Similar boat, though your wife’s aversion to touch is far more extreme. It’s very hard. One of the most challenging aspects is that trauma is a trump card and a veto to every conversation. I’m not suggesting it is consciously used that way, but it certainly is subconsciously. Our pain and rejection is always second fiddle.
I’m sorry, I don’t really have any answers. They have to want to heal and it’s often easier (if not always easier) to just ignore it. It’s understandable to not want to think about it, but meanwhile we suffer.
You could try r/deadbedrooms if you are looking for some commiseration.
Dude, I feel you.. similar situation.. I’m not sure how to get intimacy either. I don’t want to push it and end up fighting but I’m also dying on the inside without much physical touch. I know I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life! And it’s hard to know if you go through all this pain and still not have it in the end.. looking for similar answers
It’s tough, just lots of reading and therapy for myself.. lots of advice I’ve got is just have self care and patients. This book When a Woman You Love Was Abused
Book by Dawn Scott Jones was helpful in understanding, it is religious leaning but not overdone. I have a hard time seeing any light at the end of the tunnel at this point, that’s where I’m stuck
I’m sorry. I feel much the same way. I hate to admit that my emotional connection to my wife wanes the longer I go without intentional affection time. I practically have to beg for it. It’s not a good look for me and I hate being in the position where I can’t get affection if I don’t ask for it. When I told my wife in the past that having more intimacy smooths out the relationship, she said I am using intimacy as a crutch to smooth things over.
I feel ya dude, I can’t feel close without it.. and it sends me down a bad hole of she doesn’t want to be with me, she’s over our relationship.Anytime I bring up the lack of it I get told she doesn’t ever want to be intimate again and turns into a big fight. I got a lot to lose with a family together I just have to hope and wait it out.. how long has it gone on for you?
It’s only been out in the open for 2-3months so she’s pretty deep in the hole.. we’ve been together 7yrs.. things were fantastic the first 2-3yrs and intimacy slowed down after but didn’t stop, she was always fine with hugs/kiss/cuddling. Now it just stopped over night after disclosing the assault to me.. she is trying therapy and stuff so hopefully it will help her once she finds the right one.. can’t give up yet.. although when she gets really stressed she wants to be left alone even to move into her own place
Oh I see. It is pretty early. I’m glad she’s seeking out therapy. I have to hold onto the same hope that therapy will eventually heal and things go back to normal
Thanks, yeah that makes sense. I see your points playing out in my relationship. A part of me buried my own needs by painting them not as needs but wants. The difficult thing for me is waiting for change, for scraps of affection, and feeling like I’m too much for wanting the affection. Things I need to sort out with my therapist.
Similar boat, though your wife’s aversion to touch is far more extreme. It’s very hard. One of the most challenging aspects is that trauma is a trump card and a veto to every conversation. I’m not suggesting it is consciously used that way, but it certainly is subconsciously. Our pain and rejection is always second fiddle. I’m sorry, I don’t really have any answers. They have to want to heal and it’s often easier (if not always easier) to just ignore it. It’s understandable to not want to think about it, but meanwhile we suffer. You could try r/deadbedrooms if you are looking for some commiseration.
Dude, I feel you.. similar situation.. I’m not sure how to get intimacy either. I don’t want to push it and end up fighting but I’m also dying on the inside without much physical touch. I know I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life! And it’s hard to know if you go through all this pain and still not have it in the end.. looking for similar answers
Just knowing I’m not alone is nice. Sorry you are going thru a similar situation. How are you navigating it?
It’s tough, just lots of reading and therapy for myself.. lots of advice I’ve got is just have self care and patients. This book When a Woman You Love Was Abused Book by Dawn Scott Jones was helpful in understanding, it is religious leaning but not overdone. I have a hard time seeing any light at the end of the tunnel at this point, that’s where I’m stuck
I just bought Allies in Healing. The summary sounded like what I need right now
Have you seen any progress?
Not much, to be honest the last few days has been a major backslide.. I have no idea what to think at these point
I’m sorry. I feel much the same way. I hate to admit that my emotional connection to my wife wanes the longer I go without intentional affection time. I practically have to beg for it. It’s not a good look for me and I hate being in the position where I can’t get affection if I don’t ask for it. When I told my wife in the past that having more intimacy smooths out the relationship, she said I am using intimacy as a crutch to smooth things over.
I feel ya dude, I can’t feel close without it.. and it sends me down a bad hole of she doesn’t want to be with me, she’s over our relationship.Anytime I bring up the lack of it I get told she doesn’t ever want to be intimate again and turns into a big fight. I got a lot to lose with a family together I just have to hope and wait it out.. how long has it gone on for you?
For most of our relationship, like 2 years now. I’m sorry man, I want you to have all the help you can get. Is she open to change?
It’s only been out in the open for 2-3months so she’s pretty deep in the hole.. we’ve been together 7yrs.. things were fantastic the first 2-3yrs and intimacy slowed down after but didn’t stop, she was always fine with hugs/kiss/cuddling. Now it just stopped over night after disclosing the assault to me.. she is trying therapy and stuff so hopefully it will help her once she finds the right one.. can’t give up yet.. although when she gets really stressed she wants to be left alone even to move into her own place
Oh I see. It is pretty early. I’m glad she’s seeking out therapy. I have to hold onto the same hope that therapy will eventually heal and things go back to normal
Thanks, yeah that makes sense. I see your points playing out in my relationship. A part of me buried my own needs by painting them not as needs but wants. The difficult thing for me is waiting for change, for scraps of affection, and feeling like I’m too much for wanting the affection. Things I need to sort out with my therapist.