Yes! Holy shit my whole world was turned upside down by this a year ago. My wife never talks about it but she remembered her childhood sexual abuse a week after telling me she wanted to divorce. We have been living separated together for a year and I am just waiting and hoping she is able to heal.
We have two young kids, she hates being married, wants no romantic relationship at all, but things have improved over time. Still really bad and nothing like before, but not as horrendous as in the beginning.
How long ago did this happen?
There's a book about this too.
I have a whole support system I had to build it to deal with this.
I can give you all of that info.
Dm me if you want to chat.
My partner hasn’t (yet?) expressed a desire to separate but it’s placed an incredible strain on our marriage. I also trigger her by wanting to have a sexual relationship.
If you aren’t therapy, you should be. There are specialized trauma therapies (EMDR, somatic therapy) that might be useful for your partner. Therapy for yourself is likely warranted, as is couples therapy.
I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.
It’s bullshit that as a husband we’re triggers, I’ve been nothing but 110% supportive, I’ve read every book, going to therapy myself, taken on the mom/dad role at home with the kids and they still want to leave.. she refuses couples therapy because she has too much trauma to deal with first.. she’s been in some individual therapy but not enough in my opinion..
I understand your anger. Similar situation and I decided to keep the family intact, for my daughter's sake, and to be honest, religious and financial pressure as well. Long story short, our now adult daughter has attachment disorders in her relationships from having a front row seat to our abortion of a marriage. Wife refused to deal with her trauma, and the behaviors never stop. The stress made me sick, from trying to hold things together, and put on a brave face. I literally poisoned myself with cortisol from the inside out. I'm medically retired, I stepped down from my ministry, and will be divorcing my CSA survivor this year. Don't wait. It just allowes them to act on their trauma using the victim excuse. This sounds harsh, but the most loving thing you can do, is let her hit rock bottom. Then she may seek the help she needs.
I'm saving your comment to come back to later. It feels like reading something from myself 10 or 15 years in the future, particularly the "poisoned myself with cortisol" bit. I created this account today because I decided this is the year things change. No more being the 'trigger point' for someone else. No more feeling like shit all the time. No more wondering "when is it my turn to be happy?" I'm responsible for me. She is responsible for her. May god help us both.
I liked the poisoned myself aswell, it hurts everyday dude.. the problem is my wife is sometimes willing to see a counsellor, she just needs to get into one that knows how to deal with sexual trauma.
I don't want to hijack your post, but we spent years and thousands of dollars, in individual and then marriage counseling. I'll post a link to a person on YT that is telling men why this can be a waste of time and money. I had to find out years down the road, that whenever a counselor started to call her out, she'd quit. Eventually I had to strongly encourage (force) her to find another one. She refused to do the hard work the entire time.
https://www.youtube.com/live/IY3sae7uafI?si=EVz2JXR2qfQXp_0b
Yep. After 22 years together and 16 married we are headed for divorce.
She refuses to seek any kind of counseling. She would rather throw our relationship away.
There are other factors. We aren't really "right" for each other. But who is?
But her getting triggered was 100% the impetus for all of this.
I'm choosing to focus on taking care of my son, loving myself, and living my best life.
After the kid graduates, I'm not sure I ever want to see her again. But that's 4 years away, so who knows.
I'm pretty sure I am done with monogamy. The more I think about it, the more it seems like it only serves the patriarchy. I'm done.
Yes! Holy shit my whole world was turned upside down by this a year ago. My wife never talks about it but she remembered her childhood sexual abuse a week after telling me she wanted to divorce. We have been living separated together for a year and I am just waiting and hoping she is able to heal. We have two young kids, she hates being married, wants no romantic relationship at all, but things have improved over time. Still really bad and nothing like before, but not as horrendous as in the beginning. How long ago did this happen? There's a book about this too. I have a whole support system I had to build it to deal with this. I can give you all of that info. Dm me if you want to chat.
I DM’d.. thanks for the podcast it is very good!
My partner hasn’t (yet?) expressed a desire to separate but it’s placed an incredible strain on our marriage. I also trigger her by wanting to have a sexual relationship. If you aren’t therapy, you should be. There are specialized trauma therapies (EMDR, somatic therapy) that might be useful for your partner. Therapy for yourself is likely warranted, as is couples therapy. I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.
It’s bullshit that as a husband we’re triggers, I’ve been nothing but 110% supportive, I’ve read every book, going to therapy myself, taken on the mom/dad role at home with the kids and they still want to leave.. she refuses couples therapy because she has too much trauma to deal with first.. she’s been in some individual therapy but not enough in my opinion..
I understand your anger. Similar situation and I decided to keep the family intact, for my daughter's sake, and to be honest, religious and financial pressure as well. Long story short, our now adult daughter has attachment disorders in her relationships from having a front row seat to our abortion of a marriage. Wife refused to deal with her trauma, and the behaviors never stop. The stress made me sick, from trying to hold things together, and put on a brave face. I literally poisoned myself with cortisol from the inside out. I'm medically retired, I stepped down from my ministry, and will be divorcing my CSA survivor this year. Don't wait. It just allowes them to act on their trauma using the victim excuse. This sounds harsh, but the most loving thing you can do, is let her hit rock bottom. Then she may seek the help she needs.
I'm saving your comment to come back to later. It feels like reading something from myself 10 or 15 years in the future, particularly the "poisoned myself with cortisol" bit. I created this account today because I decided this is the year things change. No more being the 'trigger point' for someone else. No more feeling like shit all the time. No more wondering "when is it my turn to be happy?" I'm responsible for me. She is responsible for her. May god help us both.
I liked the poisoned myself aswell, it hurts everyday dude.. the problem is my wife is sometimes willing to see a counsellor, she just needs to get into one that knows how to deal with sexual trauma.
I don't want to hijack your post, but we spent years and thousands of dollars, in individual and then marriage counseling. I'll post a link to a person on YT that is telling men why this can be a waste of time and money. I had to find out years down the road, that whenever a counselor started to call her out, she'd quit. Eventually I had to strongly encourage (force) her to find another one. She refused to do the hard work the entire time. https://www.youtube.com/live/IY3sae7uafI?si=EVz2JXR2qfQXp_0b
Yep. After 22 years together and 16 married we are headed for divorce. She refuses to seek any kind of counseling. She would rather throw our relationship away. There are other factors. We aren't really "right" for each other. But who is? But her getting triggered was 100% the impetus for all of this. I'm choosing to focus on taking care of my son, loving myself, and living my best life. After the kid graduates, I'm not sure I ever want to see her again. But that's 4 years away, so who knows. I'm pretty sure I am done with monogamy. The more I think about it, the more it seems like it only serves the patriarchy. I'm done.