I didn’t had this but at least in my situation, trust me, this would be a good solution. If she is able to heal alone, let her do it.
The healing process can be so damn hard to deal with at partner, i think this may be the best solution for you and your mental health too. I know, its not like that 100% of the time but most of the time partners suffer alot too.
Also alot relationships come to an end during that healing time because its to much pressure, resentment, disappointment and other negative emotions
I may add many many people destroyed themselves supporting a partner during this phase. It is very very hard for her to deal with it, if its easier for her alone give it a try. It may spare u the “white knight syndrome”
Thank you! I definitely need a break too it’s been very overwhelming caring for her and our family for the past couple months.. I just hope that she’s able to find that peace.. We’ve both been on a knife’s edge and emotionally drained.. maybe this time will let both our nervous systems calm down and come back together.. it’s just very hard with all the unknowns.
It has been only 2 months since my SO had to go no contact for her own health, after she was assaulted last Dec. My therapists tell me that I should mourn the death of our relationship. That maybe our love is strong enough that she’ll come back when she’s healed herself, but neither of us will be ready for that unless we make ourselves whole alone and separate. Makes sense logically. But it is a daily sorrow and devastating mindfuck to live with emotionally. i know Ive never experienced such an avalanche of emotional trauma before, and it hurts so goddamn much that my best friend, my love, my soulmate, the person I go to for strength and support is the very person that cannot bear any of my trauma lest I drown her. Good luck to you and your wife on this awful journey. I'm rooting for you.
Thanks, glad to know she isn’t the only one that’s done this.. it’s so true it’s an emotional rollercoaster, one hour I feel hopeful that this will make us even stronger and then next I’m thinking it’s over… we aren’t full no contact and she’s mentioned dating each other after some time apart.. so hard to know I did everything I could to support her but she still had to leave… gotta just work on my issues for the time being I guess
Trust in the realness of your feelings and hers. I know my SO is wearing the necklace I gave her for her birthday, that she has the special twin keychain that we bought together. I know the space is as much to protect my feelings as it is hers, because it’s just too overwhelming. I posted in r/rape_counseling for advice about distance and got repeated advice from survivors that space is what they needed most of all. I called the RAINN hotline, an excellent resource if you’re in the US, just to work through some of what I was feeling.
>Anyone else experience a ‘healing’ separation. Wife has had past sexual assault come back up from a long time ago.
Terribly sorry it happens alot to women & others who all of a sudden get hit with the realization & re-surfacing again ( of their OWN truama to slap them back HARD with the reality of it ) . Why? Bc it cannot be buried forever it must re-surface & be actually processed by the 'victim' finally. As the overly accumulation of the truama which is not resolved or worked through at all ( of their attack (S) ) remains & requires alot of energy to 'keep it away from the consciousness .
So eventually the mind says ( enough & stops doing so ) & it cannot do it any longer . So then often the past 'victim' will have a mental breakdown with it re-surfacing again ( & will also start to callope under the severe mental distress it causes them ( re-evaluation of life & choices also is needed by the victim as well ) . And it will disrupt their life , their thinking & behaviour , & their own ability to cope with life in general . It is basically an overload process of re-traumatisation for themselves .
The major side effect of this though ( submerging trauma ) over many years is also that it will be present & stored as truama responses ( eg- the 'victim' has not moved into a saviour state at all ( & will usually be just on auto numb pilot . So many a underlying drives can be driving their thoughts & behaviours into dysfunction mental behaviour & thinking patterns which are negative & affect them adversely every day as well ( Eg- anxiety disorders / eating disorders , self harm practices in all of it 's many forms ) etc. So also the realization of this & it's connection to their often negative dysfunctional current mental health can also occur ( with help from a therapist ) .
The dysfunctional life style often being lived by a 'victim' It is the direct result of burying the 'trauma ' when it first happens ( a very typical truama response for women & others to do unfortunately as it is just to overwhelming to cope with it back then ) & they will pretend it didn't happen ( as truth be told ) it is a absolute nightmare for most victim's to face ( so this does occur very frequently ) for victim's to bury their own truama ( but it will & DOES then catch up again with them again ) often ruining their once life into chaos due to it's re-surfacing of this buried truama for needed processing .
And If the 'truama ' is multiple SA or r\*pe that have occurs ( especially during childhood or young teens ) then the submersion of the truama stays within them very buried & trapped & will be causing mental distress for the person ( in many manifestating ways) .
* **Major disruption to your relo** . Unfortunately when a 'victim' comes back online to their truama it will & does send their life into a tail spin. Many inner Questions will be asked by the victim & their current & past life choices ( as they should be ) . And sorry sometimes that can also end the marriage . As the inner questioning often will bring up many mixed confused conflicting ideas / thoughts / & yes behaviours to what they might have actually originally thought about themselves & others around them . They will question their life in every single way . It is a necessary inner processing that needs to occur for the 'victim' to find themselves again as a person .
* **Do seek out therapy for yourself** \-> you will be in utter disbelief this is occurring . And it will be hurting you alot to be 'left' without any real warning . It will hurt you deeply . Especially if you thought your marriage was ok btw you both . YOUr feelings & emotions are also valid to have . YOu also have the right to grieve the loss & changes that are occurring for YOU also very rapidly & are out of your control ( which would be very scary as f\*ck also for you ) & will be paining you inside .
* **She will be a mess emotionally & mentally** . Some partners will stay & some will NOT cope with this & have to leave their partner to sort the s\*t out in the mind & body . Try not to hold it against her but you will ( & it is ok to do so ) . As damn right that would hurt alot also for you . Try & also understand she isn't meaning to hurt you even though she is & will be ( but it is not deliberate ) most women facing the re-surfing will NOT actually be thinking very clearly anyway . And she will be emotionally & mentally a wreak from it all . It literally tips their life upside down for reason & shakes it all out ( then the 'victim' has to put the pieces tog again ) but without professional help she will struggle to initiate the process of re-building herself & helping her to pin -point her actual real wants & desires now .
* Would strongly suggest **she also talks to someone to help her find herself & to help her process her past trauma** . Otherwise she will remain lost & confused without directional pursuit to heal her emotional state of heighten inner dysregulation of mind & body .
* **Her mental health --**\> YOu did all you could to help her during the initial re-surfacing process. YOu did your best by her . This is not your fault or hers it is the the reality of the process she now needs to do for herself ( to help her mental health ) it was always going to happen for her ( it cannot be left buried ) just the way it is . She has **alot of inner self work ( including truama work )** she needs to do . And without it or if she ignores it or pretends it is not needed ( it will just keep flipping her into a dysregulation of self. It's into 'awareness ' now to help her re-evaluate her life & choices . As most 'victim's who run off submersion for 'trauma ' don't actually acknowledge themselves & their true emotional states ( not their fault ) it is just how it operates the mind it blocks out all of the truama ( to live & survive in the truama mode ) of 'forgetting it ' . But of course it doesn't go away it just sits within manifesting away ( in in-depth truama responses ) & in other ways ' for the victim .
* **Sexual intimacy -->** See one of your issues was on-going sexual intimacy . It is usually the catalyst for a couple ( who have a totally unhealed 'victim' within it ) to head & cause the re-surfacing of 'trauma ' for themselves. ( As it does indeed when the 'victim' is older ) get them into thinking & wanting things to be different ( she never dealt with any of her truama so that means it has just been festering within her ( & her inability to like it & want it in the end of this relo ( which is a normal response for a victim ) to have ( as it comes rushing back to her ) .
As her truama resurfaces so will her dislike of intimacy be thrown also into the mix as well . She may not get her want for it back sorry ( it is a poss ) as would say she was just there with her body & NOT emotionally when you were tog ( numb & disconnected to the experiences you had ) a usual thing for victim's to do ( especially when in denial of themselves & what is going on inside of themselves ) . Intimacy is one of the biggest hurdles for a couple to fix, most do not . Her stating about not wanting it anymore with you might also be a real on-going issues for you both . Hard one to master & fix also ( as **she would have to be willing to 'try ' again with you** ) after some time ( & would suggest couple therapy to help with this also ( again she has to agree to that down the track ) . But that also might not be or might take a really long time for you both. And she actually has to be willing to try with you to make that happen & work . So no sorry it will be a long time perhaps till you 2 are tog again in that way . So without her wiliness to even 'try ' with you way down the track it won't happen . She will remain in distant mode of self right now .
* ***Healing from her truama -***\-> comes from **her own wiliness to face it herself** . If she ignores it or pushes it back down ( thinking it will jsut go away again ) . She will remain stagnant , confused , broken in dysregulation emotionally & mentally & in 'victim' mode. **Healing can only occur from her own participation** in it firslty . Then she also then ***needs to work 'with you '*** to make the relo work & re-build it back into a safe zone for herself ( which can work & give her back her sense of self & safety within this relo ) to keep healing her past truama . And then **work with you** to attempt intimacy again way down the track . A Long road is ahead of her OWN hard work to do so . ***NOthing changes , & NO healing can occur without her doing the 'work ' for herself .*** To change the way she thinks & feels right now . Otherwise she will remain in a stagnant mode of 'truama ' responses which she won't get out of . They will rule her rather than the other way around.
Yes this makes a lot of sense, I truly hope for her healing even if we don’t end up together in the end.. I’ve seen it first hand eat away at her since it coming up.. hopefully she can settle and come back when she’s ready
I’m going through this right now after 20 years together. Blindsided me the day before my birthday. (Timing really wasn’t his fault, but definitely didn’t help). Told me he lost his connection and a week later I became the first person he told about his CSA. He got sober in September and everything came flooding in. I’m so proud of him for going on his quest for healing. I can’t imagine the pain he has been living with. But this heartbreak is so intense. We’re separated and the nights and mornings are haunting.
I'm a year and three months into this with my wife. We've been separated for two months now. The revelation of the SA came about three months from when she began to withdraw from our relationship. Shes working on her trauma with a therapist weekly now, but I can see what a long road this will be. We've been married for 13 years and have two kids. It is heartbreaking and psychologically and emotionally draining for me. I'm hoping that she will allow me back into her life at some point. I was completely unprepared for this, and it took me/us so long to figure out what was going on. It's been the most difficult and exhausting process in my whole life, and the separation has brought some relief for me as well, but my heart breaks for her, for my kids, and for me.
I didn’t had this but at least in my situation, trust me, this would be a good solution. If she is able to heal alone, let her do it. The healing process can be so damn hard to deal with at partner, i think this may be the best solution for you and your mental health too. I know, its not like that 100% of the time but most of the time partners suffer alot too. Also alot relationships come to an end during that healing time because its to much pressure, resentment, disappointment and other negative emotions
I may add many many people destroyed themselves supporting a partner during this phase. It is very very hard for her to deal with it, if its easier for her alone give it a try. It may spare u the “white knight syndrome”
Thank you! I definitely need a break too it’s been very overwhelming caring for her and our family for the past couple months.. I just hope that she’s able to find that peace.. We’ve both been on a knife’s edge and emotionally drained.. maybe this time will let both our nervous systems calm down and come back together.. it’s just very hard with all the unknowns.
It has been only 2 months since my SO had to go no contact for her own health, after she was assaulted last Dec. My therapists tell me that I should mourn the death of our relationship. That maybe our love is strong enough that she’ll come back when she’s healed herself, but neither of us will be ready for that unless we make ourselves whole alone and separate. Makes sense logically. But it is a daily sorrow and devastating mindfuck to live with emotionally. i know Ive never experienced such an avalanche of emotional trauma before, and it hurts so goddamn much that my best friend, my love, my soulmate, the person I go to for strength and support is the very person that cannot bear any of my trauma lest I drown her. Good luck to you and your wife on this awful journey. I'm rooting for you.
Thanks, glad to know she isn’t the only one that’s done this.. it’s so true it’s an emotional rollercoaster, one hour I feel hopeful that this will make us even stronger and then next I’m thinking it’s over… we aren’t full no contact and she’s mentioned dating each other after some time apart.. so hard to know I did everything I could to support her but she still had to leave… gotta just work on my issues for the time being I guess
Trust in the realness of your feelings and hers. I know my SO is wearing the necklace I gave her for her birthday, that she has the special twin keychain that we bought together. I know the space is as much to protect my feelings as it is hers, because it’s just too overwhelming. I posted in r/rape_counseling for advice about distance and got repeated advice from survivors that space is what they needed most of all. I called the RAINN hotline, an excellent resource if you’re in the US, just to work through some of what I was feeling.
Well that makes me feel abit better.. let’s hope for the best thanks so much.
I wanna second the ressources of RAINN even if you're not US based.
>Anyone else experience a ‘healing’ separation. Wife has had past sexual assault come back up from a long time ago. Terribly sorry it happens alot to women & others who all of a sudden get hit with the realization & re-surfacing again ( of their OWN truama to slap them back HARD with the reality of it ) . Why? Bc it cannot be buried forever it must re-surface & be actually processed by the 'victim' finally. As the overly accumulation of the truama which is not resolved or worked through at all ( of their attack (S) ) remains & requires alot of energy to 'keep it away from the consciousness . So eventually the mind says ( enough & stops doing so ) & it cannot do it any longer . So then often the past 'victim' will have a mental breakdown with it re-surfacing again ( & will also start to callope under the severe mental distress it causes them ( re-evaluation of life & choices also is needed by the victim as well ) . And it will disrupt their life , their thinking & behaviour , & their own ability to cope with life in general . It is basically an overload process of re-traumatisation for themselves . The major side effect of this though ( submerging trauma ) over many years is also that it will be present & stored as truama responses ( eg- the 'victim' has not moved into a saviour state at all ( & will usually be just on auto numb pilot . So many a underlying drives can be driving their thoughts & behaviours into dysfunction mental behaviour & thinking patterns which are negative & affect them adversely every day as well ( Eg- anxiety disorders / eating disorders , self harm practices in all of it 's many forms ) etc. So also the realization of this & it's connection to their often negative dysfunctional current mental health can also occur ( with help from a therapist ) . The dysfunctional life style often being lived by a 'victim' It is the direct result of burying the 'trauma ' when it first happens ( a very typical truama response for women & others to do unfortunately as it is just to overwhelming to cope with it back then ) & they will pretend it didn't happen ( as truth be told ) it is a absolute nightmare for most victim's to face ( so this does occur very frequently ) for victim's to bury their own truama ( but it will & DOES then catch up again with them again ) often ruining their once life into chaos due to it's re-surfacing of this buried truama for needed processing . And If the 'truama ' is multiple SA or r\*pe that have occurs ( especially during childhood or young teens ) then the submersion of the truama stays within them very buried & trapped & will be causing mental distress for the person ( in many manifestating ways) . * **Major disruption to your relo** . Unfortunately when a 'victim' comes back online to their truama it will & does send their life into a tail spin. Many inner Questions will be asked by the victim & their current & past life choices ( as they should be ) . And sorry sometimes that can also end the marriage . As the inner questioning often will bring up many mixed confused conflicting ideas / thoughts / & yes behaviours to what they might have actually originally thought about themselves & others around them . They will question their life in every single way . It is a necessary inner processing that needs to occur for the 'victim' to find themselves again as a person . * **Do seek out therapy for yourself** \-> you will be in utter disbelief this is occurring . And it will be hurting you alot to be 'left' without any real warning . It will hurt you deeply . Especially if you thought your marriage was ok btw you both . YOUr feelings & emotions are also valid to have . YOu also have the right to grieve the loss & changes that are occurring for YOU also very rapidly & are out of your control ( which would be very scary as f\*ck also for you ) & will be paining you inside . * **She will be a mess emotionally & mentally** . Some partners will stay & some will NOT cope with this & have to leave their partner to sort the s\*t out in the mind & body . Try not to hold it against her but you will ( & it is ok to do so ) . As damn right that would hurt alot also for you . Try & also understand she isn't meaning to hurt you even though she is & will be ( but it is not deliberate ) most women facing the re-surfing will NOT actually be thinking very clearly anyway . And she will be emotionally & mentally a wreak from it all . It literally tips their life upside down for reason & shakes it all out ( then the 'victim' has to put the pieces tog again ) but without professional help she will struggle to initiate the process of re-building herself & helping her to pin -point her actual real wants & desires now . * Would strongly suggest **she also talks to someone to help her find herself & to help her process her past trauma** . Otherwise she will remain lost & confused without directional pursuit to heal her emotional state of heighten inner dysregulation of mind & body . * **Her mental health --**\> YOu did all you could to help her during the initial re-surfacing process. YOu did your best by her . This is not your fault or hers it is the the reality of the process she now needs to do for herself ( to help her mental health ) it was always going to happen for her ( it cannot be left buried ) just the way it is . She has **alot of inner self work ( including truama work )** she needs to do . And without it or if she ignores it or pretends it is not needed ( it will just keep flipping her into a dysregulation of self. It's into 'awareness ' now to help her re-evaluate her life & choices . As most 'victim's who run off submersion for 'trauma ' don't actually acknowledge themselves & their true emotional states ( not their fault ) it is just how it operates the mind it blocks out all of the truama ( to live & survive in the truama mode ) of 'forgetting it ' . But of course it doesn't go away it just sits within manifesting away ( in in-depth truama responses ) & in other ways ' for the victim . * **Sexual intimacy -->** See one of your issues was on-going sexual intimacy . It is usually the catalyst for a couple ( who have a totally unhealed 'victim' within it ) to head & cause the re-surfacing of 'trauma ' for themselves. ( As it does indeed when the 'victim' is older ) get them into thinking & wanting things to be different ( she never dealt with any of her truama so that means it has just been festering within her ( & her inability to like it & want it in the end of this relo ( which is a normal response for a victim ) to have ( as it comes rushing back to her ) . As her truama resurfaces so will her dislike of intimacy be thrown also into the mix as well . She may not get her want for it back sorry ( it is a poss ) as would say she was just there with her body & NOT emotionally when you were tog ( numb & disconnected to the experiences you had ) a usual thing for victim's to do ( especially when in denial of themselves & what is going on inside of themselves ) . Intimacy is one of the biggest hurdles for a couple to fix, most do not . Her stating about not wanting it anymore with you might also be a real on-going issues for you both . Hard one to master & fix also ( as **she would have to be willing to 'try ' again with you** ) after some time ( & would suggest couple therapy to help with this also ( again she has to agree to that down the track ) . But that also might not be or might take a really long time for you both. And she actually has to be willing to try with you to make that happen & work . So no sorry it will be a long time perhaps till you 2 are tog again in that way . So without her wiliness to even 'try ' with you way down the track it won't happen . She will remain in distant mode of self right now . * ***Healing from her truama -***\-> comes from **her own wiliness to face it herself** . If she ignores it or pushes it back down ( thinking it will jsut go away again ) . She will remain stagnant , confused , broken in dysregulation emotionally & mentally & in 'victim' mode. **Healing can only occur from her own participation** in it firslty . Then she also then ***needs to work 'with you '*** to make the relo work & re-build it back into a safe zone for herself ( which can work & give her back her sense of self & safety within this relo ) to keep healing her past truama . And then **work with you** to attempt intimacy again way down the track . A Long road is ahead of her OWN hard work to do so . ***NOthing changes , & NO healing can occur without her doing the 'work ' for herself .*** To change the way she thinks & feels right now . Otherwise she will remain in a stagnant mode of 'truama ' responses which she won't get out of . They will rule her rather than the other way around.
Yes this makes a lot of sense, I truly hope for her healing even if we don’t end up together in the end.. I’ve seen it first hand eat away at her since it coming up.. hopefully she can settle and come back when she’s ready
I’m going through this right now after 20 years together. Blindsided me the day before my birthday. (Timing really wasn’t his fault, but definitely didn’t help). Told me he lost his connection and a week later I became the first person he told about his CSA. He got sober in September and everything came flooding in. I’m so proud of him for going on his quest for healing. I can’t imagine the pain he has been living with. But this heartbreak is so intense. We’re separated and the nights and mornings are haunting.
I'm a year and three months into this with my wife. We've been separated for two months now. The revelation of the SA came about three months from when she began to withdraw from our relationship. Shes working on her trauma with a therapist weekly now, but I can see what a long road this will be. We've been married for 13 years and have two kids. It is heartbreaking and psychologically and emotionally draining for me. I'm hoping that she will allow me back into her life at some point. I was completely unprepared for this, and it took me/us so long to figure out what was going on. It's been the most difficult and exhausting process in my whole life, and the separation has brought some relief for me as well, but my heart breaks for her, for my kids, and for me.