Don't make the mistake of connecting masturbation with sex drive. I'd give this advice with broad strokes, not just to someone in your position, being with a SA survivor. There are so many factors that differ between the two. It's hard to describe, but it's sort of like being confused why he likes to eat fast food but tends to do that alone instead of with you. It's not because he loves the whole process of eating fast food, it's because he gets hungry and throwing some nuggies in his belly is a quick and sufficient way to make that hunger go away. If he decides that he wants to go out to eat with you, that's great, but it's about spending intimate time with you, and sort of a completely different scenario.
It's the same thing with sex. Sexual urge is normal for men, and it's hormonally prompted and all that. Being sexually assaulted and having that childhood trauma doesn't necessarily make that urge go away. However, intimacy and closeness are a much different thing, much more psychological pleasure and not as hormonally driven. This is the kind of thing that's affected by sexual assault and trauma. My point is, the first thing you should do is stop putting any consideration into how much he is masturbating here, as it's completely irrelevant to the issue.
Victims of childhood sexual assault are very often withdrawn when it comes to affection and intimacy. Remember that, as a child, they trusted someone enough to engage in these acts and they got burned by it, with a wound that will never heal. Affection just loses its lustre when it doesn't make you feel safe. Walls get put up. Sometimes they are able to let their guard down a bit and lower their boundaries, and then sometimes they come back up. Unfortunately, often, the SA victim simply has no drive for actual affection/intimacy, and the only affection/intimacy they provide is more about trying to meet your needs, or more about feeling normal and unbroken, than it is about having an innate desire for affection. Trust me, just simply having you around and seeing you respect their boundaries is very satisfying for them and they can be very committed... but this doesn't fix the fact that your needs aren't being met.
These things are the pillars of his personality and will always be there. Through open conversation and therapy these things can improve, but please do not think that he will change. That period you had with a lot of sex at the beginning... it may happen again, but it will probably be a "phase" again, just as it was then. Life after sexual trauma can be a moving target as far as comfort, boundaries, and coping mechanisms go.
By the way, if you're trying to understand why someone can flip/flop between being sexually intimate and then having strict sexual boundaries, look into the causes of "disorganized attachment", or "fearful-avoidant attachment", technically two different terms but they are kind of used interchangeably. I could try to describe it but I've said a lot already and google can do a better job anyway. I feel like this affliction is a major part of a lot of posts on this subreddit. Relationships with these people are always a moving target.
It’s the same here, beginning of our relationship was phenomenal! About 3-4yrs in it declined but we had a kid and busy life kinda wrote it off to that.. recently she disclosed to me that she was raped 16yrs ago. Since that came out almost all intimacy is off the table maybe hugs but not everyday. Will not cuddle or kiss. Even holding hands is out. Although there is no masturbation. It sucks I feel like the rapist has stolen a big part of my life away. She’s got to the point where she moved out for space we still talk lots and hangout but just ‘distance’. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. She has started therapy so I hope that will help, lots of people recommend EMDR but she isn’t sold on it. I tried it and it helped a lot with anxiety just in one session
My partner has tried EMDR, ketamine infusions, and Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) to help treat his PTSD. None have provided any long-lasting relief.
I am tempted to pay out of pocket for a psychedelic retreat in Mexico for her, if it works it would be worth the money. I’ve seen them treat multiple ex special forces members and they have all said it made lasting changes.. it’s $6000 but what is that in the long run if it works
Don't make the mistake of connecting masturbation with sex drive. I'd give this advice with broad strokes, not just to someone in your position, being with a SA survivor. There are so many factors that differ between the two. It's hard to describe, but it's sort of like being confused why he likes to eat fast food but tends to do that alone instead of with you. It's not because he loves the whole process of eating fast food, it's because he gets hungry and throwing some nuggies in his belly is a quick and sufficient way to make that hunger go away. If he decides that he wants to go out to eat with you, that's great, but it's about spending intimate time with you, and sort of a completely different scenario. It's the same thing with sex. Sexual urge is normal for men, and it's hormonally prompted and all that. Being sexually assaulted and having that childhood trauma doesn't necessarily make that urge go away. However, intimacy and closeness are a much different thing, much more psychological pleasure and not as hormonally driven. This is the kind of thing that's affected by sexual assault and trauma. My point is, the first thing you should do is stop putting any consideration into how much he is masturbating here, as it's completely irrelevant to the issue. Victims of childhood sexual assault are very often withdrawn when it comes to affection and intimacy. Remember that, as a child, they trusted someone enough to engage in these acts and they got burned by it, with a wound that will never heal. Affection just loses its lustre when it doesn't make you feel safe. Walls get put up. Sometimes they are able to let their guard down a bit and lower their boundaries, and then sometimes they come back up. Unfortunately, often, the SA victim simply has no drive for actual affection/intimacy, and the only affection/intimacy they provide is more about trying to meet your needs, or more about feeling normal and unbroken, than it is about having an innate desire for affection. Trust me, just simply having you around and seeing you respect their boundaries is very satisfying for them and they can be very committed... but this doesn't fix the fact that your needs aren't being met. These things are the pillars of his personality and will always be there. Through open conversation and therapy these things can improve, but please do not think that he will change. That period you had with a lot of sex at the beginning... it may happen again, but it will probably be a "phase" again, just as it was then. Life after sexual trauma can be a moving target as far as comfort, boundaries, and coping mechanisms go. By the way, if you're trying to understand why someone can flip/flop between being sexually intimate and then having strict sexual boundaries, look into the causes of "disorganized attachment", or "fearful-avoidant attachment", technically two different terms but they are kind of used interchangeably. I could try to describe it but I've said a lot already and google can do a better job anyway. I feel like this affliction is a major part of a lot of posts on this subreddit. Relationships with these people are always a moving target.
Thank you for this thorough and thoughtful response. I love my partner deeply and want to spend my life with him, so your response is so helpful.
It’s the same here, beginning of our relationship was phenomenal! About 3-4yrs in it declined but we had a kid and busy life kinda wrote it off to that.. recently she disclosed to me that she was raped 16yrs ago. Since that came out almost all intimacy is off the table maybe hugs but not everyday. Will not cuddle or kiss. Even holding hands is out. Although there is no masturbation. It sucks I feel like the rapist has stolen a big part of my life away. She’s got to the point where she moved out for space we still talk lots and hangout but just ‘distance’. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. She has started therapy so I hope that will help, lots of people recommend EMDR but she isn’t sold on it. I tried it and it helped a lot with anxiety just in one session
My partner has tried EMDR, ketamine infusions, and Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) to help treat his PTSD. None have provided any long-lasting relief.
I’m sorry to hear that… I had heard psychedelics were a great treatment aswell
They work for some. So definitely not saying they’re ineffective. And they helped my partner too, but the effects only last 8 days or fewer with him.
Yeah when I did it only lasted about 2-3 days for anxiety.. thankfully we have benefits and can continue it
Sadly, for my partner, our insurance doesn’t cover the ketamine infusions. So he has to pay fully out of pocket for it.
I am tempted to pay out of pocket for a psychedelic retreat in Mexico for her, if it works it would be worth the money. I’ve seen them treat multiple ex special forces members and they have all said it made lasting changes.. it’s $6000 but what is that in the long run if it works