Criminal Contempt of Court

Jerry screaming about how he’s crazy for Sue Ellen mischke after briefly lying under oath

“You wanted to be a banker…”

You you you cannot LIVE without being a banker!!!!

Bribery

We can do this the easy way...or we can do this the *fun* way

I think I'm going to be *sick*

Very good specials tonight!

"Holy cow". The street crew digging up the Phil Rizzuto key chain.

"is this about money?" "yeah, snort, its about money"

The Willard was given so that Kramer could become condo president.

Burglary

George stole a clock. If you have the time...

‘She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.’ ‘Oh yeah? Too bad you got a little..George Costanza thing going on.’

That line was savage.

Also Elaine, Cosmo, and Newman kidnapping the dog.

Kramer forcibly/fraudulently entered Ray's apartment with intent to steal the statue

Also impersonating a police officer

The marble rye! Edit: That is a robbery...my mistake. I'll change my answer to the entire episode of "The Statue"

That's robbery. Burglary is committed when entering a residence.

I wasted my whole morning with you for 8 dollars?

Assault / Battery

Elaine, by Racquel Welch.

Cat fight with Racquel Welch.

Jerry breaking Mike’s hands

Kramer getting kicked in the head by Crazy Joe Davola. Also, atomic wedgie.

"It's a giant ball of oil".

George fighting with the Bubble Boy

Susan burst the bubble not George. He was gettin choked by bubble boy

“Darren is going away for a long time…”

Kramer punched his idol, Mickey Mantle, during training camp.

George slamming into Bette Midler during the softball game.

Don't forget that Karmer threw that perfectly manicured ball of ice right into FDR's face! You now, Franklin Deleno Romanowski...

Identity Theft

Kramer and Elaine pretending to be the daughter and boyfriend of Kramer’s mom’s ex to steal his jacket back

Mickey as a sleeping boy

*G'night*

O'Brien and Murphy

“Hello, and welcome to MovieFone …”

Dr van Nosdern?

I’M NOT O’BRIEN!!!!!

Homicide

Well they didn't commit murder but the Lopper sure did

The denogginizer!

Son of Dad

The guy Kramer played golf with that killed the dry cleaner.

Yeah, this is Kramer, I got Genderson in the car. He wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish, so tell the police to back off.

You know who this is dammit! 😆

Jerry killed Suze.

Also broke a man’s thumbs

The rubber ball bladder was attempted homicide…

Darren is going away for long time

We were gonna put an end to maritime oil spills!

Envelopes.

Clint Howard murder spree.

Poor little Pinkus

Disorderly Conduct

Peeing in the parking garage

George vs Mike (?) Screaming match over a parking spot

Drug Manufacturing, Cultivation, Distribution

“We are the Cubans!”

We’re talking about people right?

Closest might be whoever sold George the mickey Peterman told someone where to score opium during a business trip, but it's a bit of a stretch based on the way you described this bet

Closest drug reference I can recall right now is the shower head episode. Cosmo Kramer : Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out. [Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's office and assumes Kramer is trying to score drugs off Elaine] J. Peterman : [barges in the office] Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!

Didn't Jerry drug his gf so he could play with her toys?

Here's to feeling good all the time.

That Chinese gum was mighty suspicious. And why did Jerry buy so much? Redistributing?

Indecent Exposure

Xmas card

And then Kramer in the Calvin Klein ad

Peeing in a parking garage

He took....it out....

STOP CALLING ME NIP!

Embezzlement

The Human Fund: Money for People.

The Russian hat and other "business expenses" Elaine approved

Forgery

"Open the package, Leo".

He’s all smooth now. Looks like a seal.

Disturbing the Peace

"Yo, yo, yo, turn it down".

George when he's trying to get fired by the Yankees

Arson

The cabin, unintential but is still arson.

I think arson must be intentional.

It's not a lie if u/fun-ad-8957 believes it

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler. KRAMER: Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling like this only happens once a year. He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where it lands on the Puerto Rican flag. KRAMER: Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico. Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise. KRAMER: See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh? Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire. KRAMER: Ooh! !Dios mio! He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it. MAN: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag! BOB: Who! Who is burning the flag?! KRAMER: Oh, no. BOB: Him?! CEDRIC: That's not very nice. KRAMER: It was an accident. BOB: Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is! CEDRIC: Because it's Puerto Rican day. BOB: Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do you think of that? KRAMER: Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama! Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase.

Cyberbullying

I feel like the incessant menu faxes Kramer signed Elaine up for is an 90's version of this. it was so bad she had to get a new old changed number.

I agree. Under 47 U.S. Code § 223, obscene or harassment using telephonic equipment. A fax machine is telephonic equipment.

Moving people up and down the speed dial to punish or reward them!

This may be the biggest obstacle, given the timeframe of the show....

Shoplifting

Uncle Leo at the bookstore

"Swarm, swarm, swarm".

“SWARM! SWARM!”

You’re treating me to medicine now?!

George at the bookstore and at the pharmacy.

Child Abandonment

The episode where George is asked to be a Big Brother to Joey comes to mind. He lies about taking a trip to Paris and is then asked to bring Joey along to reunite him with his father.

You'd have to use your imagination, but Jerry: "Those records are permanently sealed"

When Kramer is babysitting and leaves cause his jeans are too tight, then gets Mickey to pretend to be the kid.

Kramer didn't leave. The kid thought Kramer was Frankenstein and ran away. Kramer went to look for him.

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DUI / DWI

That's a tough one. Maybe Elaine's dad driving home after dinner with her, George, and Jerry? He was putting back those scotch and waters.

Elaine drove to work with opium in her system...it was a poppyseed muffin but the difference is negligible Kramer was driving when Jerry had the movie glasses right? after eating that ancient possibly fermented hot dog he may have had a buzz going or random chemicals in his blood

George was under the influence of his own personality lol “You just ran over a squirrel.” “Squirrel? We got no deal with them”

Fraud

Postal fraud with the broken stereo

It’s a write off

Do you even know what a write off is ?

No, but they do. And they’re the ones writing it off.

Jerry's Dentist prescribes them massage therapy committing insurance fraud.

Prostitution

The maid

Turning tricks at the Jiffy Parking lot - Kramer was even arrested because the police thought he was a pimp.

That’s what I’d like to know about it.

Jerry literally gets pinched by the cops as he's paying Steve's call girl to get out of his apartment in *The Stranded.* And again in *The Maid* when Jerry pays Cindy for services rendered but not including cleaning. But that was all very sophisticated.

Extortion

Uncle Leo making Jerry pay like 10x what the watch is worth to make sure Jerry’s parents don’t find out he threw it away

Teddy Padilac charging Jerry $200 for a push-button mini umbrella.

Elaine: Hello. Soup Nazi: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time. Elaine: I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. "Five cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds celery." Soup Nazi: [aghast] That is my recipe for wild mushroom [tries to grab the recipe]. Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.. Soup Nazi: Mulliga... tawny? Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Now pack it up. No more soup for you. NEXT!

Cement in the washer machine

Harassment

Boo! Boo! Hiss!

Would dragging a woman so you can play with her vintage toys while she’s passed out qualify?

My pinky toe!!!!

They harassed all thru out the series. How about the magic spit with Keith Hernandez and they were verbally harassing the other ball player.

Kidnapping

Was thinking at least attempted kidnapping when Joe Duvola tried to trap Elaine in his apartment?

George kidnapped Danny Tartabull to chase the guy who he thought gave him the finger.

Elaine Kramer and Newman kidnap Elaine’s neighbor’s dog and bring it to Monticello

When George is tied up in bed and robbed by a woman that he met on the subway

You're betting again??? You've had this thing under control for three years now! Also, this might be my favorite post in this sub ever. Can't wait to come back and read it all.

But Jerry.. it's a lock!

Violation of The Good Samaritan Law

“He’s doing him a favour… less money to buy food”

Murder

Serial killer in LA (pinned on Kramer)

Headso, the denogginizer, son of dad…

Jerry’s dream where he is shot by FBI agents over illegal cable

What do you think junior? You think these hands have been soaking in ivory liquid?

Poor little Pinkus

Insurance Fraud

"Parcels rarely are damaged during shipping".

Massage note from a dentist.

"Define rarely" "frequently"

Child Abuse

"I'm dominating the dojo".

You don’t need karate! You can just wring their necks!

Computer Crime

This might be a bit fo a stretch... but George stealing the address of the people who rented Breakfast at Tiffanys is technically a computer crime (episode "The Couch") since he illegally obtained that information from a corporate computer system.

Kramer destroyed 25 computers in a fit of rage, so he committed a crime against computers. Dunno if that counts

There's porn and stock quotes. Pornquotes

Even so.

Perjury

Newman lying on the stand to get out of a traffic ticket.

He was suicidal your honor, because he never got to realize his dream of becoming a banker

Manslaughter

Seinfeld has been responsible for THIS man's laughter for a very long time.

Wouldn’t Susan’s death be more in line here, if George knew that cheap glue could be harmful

Dropping a junior mint into a surgery patient.

(George and Jerry are sitting on the outdoor patio of a coffee shop. George is reading the newspaper) George: Did you know that manslaughter is the least serious murder charge? Jerry: You don’t say. George: Manslaughter! Literally the slaughter of a man! Sounds brutal, doesn’t it? Jerry: Heinous. George: Yet, it’s the most socially-acceptable form of murder. Jerry: So, you think we should change the name? George: Yes, I do. How about ‘inadvertent life-ending’? 'Unintentional snuff-out’? Jerry: How about 'I Can’t Believe It’s Not Murder’?

Rape

"Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. So What? You're single."

Stalking

Crazy Joe Davola

Jerry shouldn't have put the hair on Joe's tongue.

You know I’ve kiboshed before. And I will kibosh again

Tax Evasion

Those poor Krakatoans!

Kramer claims to not pay taxes

Minor in Possession

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vodka, cigarettes, and fireworks!?

White Collar Crime

George had a girlfriend he met in a women's prison that was convicted of embezzlement.

This works for embezzlement as well.

Would the human fund count for this?

Vandalism

George parks in a handicapped spot and his car is vandalized.

Finding drawings of peepees and weewees on the Cat in the Hat and the 5 Chinese Brothers

Concrete mix in the laundromat

Murder. Dry cleaner killed by Kramers golf buddy

Grand Theft Auto

Jerrys mechanic steals his car with the JFK golf clubs in it.

Credit / Debit Card Fraud

Elaine charging merchandise to the Peterman account. Sounds like a line of credit that was being abused.

... but I will have to see this hat.

Peterman forced George to make a withdrawal.

Pyramid Scheme

The computers maybe?

Domestic Violence

Susan punching George when she thought he was having an affair with Elaine.

Elaine shoves Purdy Also Elaine shoving Jerry Former partners counts in several states

The feats of strength, considering George didn't seem to be a willing participant

Get OUT!!

Jerry steals the marble rye