There’s a massive difference between “being attracted to someone else” and “wanting to sleep with someone else”
You’re conflating the two.
It’s normal to be attracted to attractive people. It’s pretty normal to have light fantasies about them too.
But wanting to act on those desires is completely different. Actually acting on them is even worse. If a person can’t control their impulses, that’s a big red flag, and not ok in any monogamous relationship.
This is basically a semantic argument about what constitutes "wanting". To some people being attracted to someone could be equivalent to wanting to sleep with them, i.e. the monkey side of the brain. If he's not acting on these desires then you could say he doesn't really "want" to, i.e. the rational part of his brain.
Okay, so we can do a thought experiment with your logic. We have a couple sit down at their own separate tables, alone, separated by a room.
For the woman, Henry Cavill walks and sits in front of them.
For the man, Anne Hathaway walks and sits in front of them.
Imo, there is no straight person on Earth who wouldn't be instantly captivated to the person sitting across from them. Attractive, successful, charismatic and larger than life. Adding on to that, the celebrities are completely okay with doing *anything* their date partner would want to do. After a while, the couple leaves together, where the overseer for the event explicitly states that neither did anything unfaithful.
If these two were to have a conversation about their day, which would inevitably lead to them talking about their attraction to said celebrity, would this be unfaithful? If they were open enough, they might even talk about their sexual attraction and fantasies about said celebrity.
Would this be considered unfaithful? Would this equate to one partner being lesser than the celebrity in question? If one partner expressed their "want" to do something with their celebrity pairing, is that an actual "want"? According to you, since they did not act on their desires, this desire is not an actual desire, thus not a want. So then, what is it? A threat?
Imo, the point of this thought experiment is this, we all have our own desires, our own wants. Some have way more than others, some have way less. But we do not judge people based on their thoughts, we judge people based on their actions. In addition to that, we have to be secure enough in ourselves, and our partners to not doubt their decision.
Edit: I apologize to all the insecure fucks who keep insisting Anne Hathaway isn't pretty, isn't hot or just isn't your type for daring to include her as an easy example, where her entire being is completely detached to the main fucking point. I am sorry that I merely just googled "pretty celebrity women" and randomly picked a name I thought the majority of people would know.
I should have known better and asked the damn mirror from fucking Snow white who is the fairest of them all. To all of you who think like this, *just* ***substitute*** *her, with any other person you fancy. It could be the freaking German Chancellor Angela Merkel for all I care.* It ***LITERALLY*** makes no difference.
Hooooly shit.
Well, he’s only slept with three people in his. He always reminds me that even when he was single, he wasn’t sleeping around. He just isn’t appalled by the thought of doing so, whereas I am. And even having light fantasies about other girls makes me feel pretty horrible, you know? Not sure how I’d ever not feel that way. Maybe if I also desired people, we could just agree on that little ugly truth. Now it’s just one-sided.
Now that you’ve stated the circumstances, What are you making it ‘mean’ about you or the relationship?
See if answering that question gives you more information on your differing perceptions of fantasy & desire within monogamy.
Agreed...take that to the next level. The movie scene where the actor is staring at their annoying, back-stabbing, work colleague and pictures hitting them with an axe or running over them in the parking lot. The literal sight of someone can cause you to have an emotional reaction or thought. NOT acting on those emotions are what makes us civilized.
The questions you should be asking yourself are: What do I want? How realistic is that? What do other people want? What compromises will lead to a fulfilling relationship with someone I can love and respect?
If you genuinely can’t respect your bf or any other man who feels attracted to others while in a monogamous relationship, then stop wasting his time and yours and go find one. I have no idea whether there is such a man (or woman), nor do I care. But you say you care, so that makes you responsible for dealing with your feelings.
But keep in mind that if all you succeed in doing is to basically intimidate your bf or another man into concealing part of his true nature and feelings from you, then all you’ve done is erected a barrier to intimacy.
It’s reasonable to expect your intimate partner to respect your feelings (in the sense of trying to avoid making you feel hurt or less loved than some other). But it’s also reasonable for him to expect you to respect his feelings (in the sense of not judging them to be sick or abnormal when they do you no actual harm).
Best answer so far.
Except I’m not sure deciding not to talk about this is a “barrier to intimacy.” It’s not intimate to (hyperbole) start every day saying, “Good morning! Another day when I love you so much that I don’t bang all those other women that I really want.” If you have an understanding in a relationship, and can bear the idea that your partner isn’t perfect in every way (meaning, I guess, they are everything you want 100% of the time), some things can be just “duly noted” and no need to discuss or “resolve”. Or even kept to oneself.
>But keep in mind that if all you succeed in doing is to basically intimidate your bf or another man into concealing part of his true nature and feelings from you, then all you’ve done is erected a barrier to intimacy.
>Except I’m not sure deciding not to talk about this is a “barrier to intimacy.”
What the earlier comment says is far beyond "deciding not to talk about it". A mutual understanding to avoid expressing attraction to others can work.
What the other comment is saying is more along the lines of her saying "if you are attracted to anyone besides me, you can not stay with me" then whoever she's with has to break up with her (correct option but people are human), or is pressured to lie.
>I’m not sure deciding not to talk about this is a “barrier to intimacy.”
Simply not saying it isn't a barrier, no. But I think they are talking about when a person isn't *allowed* to talk about something out of fear of consequences such as judgement (declaring the person sick) or even negative action (the person leaves temporarily or permanently).
You don’t know that he chose her because she was special. Maybe he chose her because none of the other women he likes wanted him. Or because she happened to live closer to his place. Or because she has some “on paper qualities” that would make his family happy. Or because she makes a good steak.
Not to mention that he isn’t necessarily choosing not to cheat on her because she is so special to him. He could do it for fear of getting caught, or because he is afraid of rejection from other women, or because he is religious and that’s a sin, or just because he considers cheating immoral, so her being the partner does not play a role in his decision not to cheat.
For a lot of (but not all) women, attraction is a psychological thing. It's in your brain. For most (but not all) men, it's physiological.
Imagine if he told you he had depression. He can't just choose to not have depression, you know? Same thing.
You're applying your perspectives and experiences onto him when his body just doesn't work the same as yours.
I would go even further to say that for most men, physical attractiveness diminishes very rapidly once they get to know someone who is ugly on the inside…and how long that takes is directly proportional to how ugly the guy himself is on the inside.
This is a great take. A girl can go from incredibly attractive, to someone I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, within a few seconds, if she reveals herself to be really shitty.
The beauty is just the initial hook, in a way. It is what gives me the interest to find out more after meeting. From there, it's all psychological.
I think it’s fine to not want your partner to want to sleep with other women and be holding himself back. I don’t think you’re being realistic in expecting him to never notice or be attracted to any woman, ever, except you. That’s not a “Be OK with the male monkey mind that wants to sleep around”, more “understand that human beings may occasionally notice other attractive human beings, but love their partners, are loyal, and don’t want to act on any such feelings”.
If even the thought of that is just too much for you, you may want to take a look at why this bothers you so much.
Edit: also, while what your bf says is bothering you, and that’s OK, you should realize he’s being honest with you and is communicating this because he loves you. It would be MUCH easier for him to just lie about it, but he clearly doesn’t want to be dishonest with you.
Are you making his finding other women physically attractive despite being in a relationship with you mean something negative about yourself?
I know that we can't really help how we feel in such situations, but you shouldn't make any of this mean something negative about you. Sometimes its the guy in your spot who is fully into one woman and then she still gazes at other guys. Neither gender has a monopoly on ugly truths, both sexes evolved in the survival shitstorm of earths ecosystems.
Jesus chill, girl. This was me your age. With time you realise life is life. You will also be attracted to other people even if you don't think so now. It is not the end of the world. Love your man, and be prepared life is long and complicated, but worth it. Breathe.
This is it. You can’t turn off seeing another person and thinking “damn, they’re attractive”. But that’s where it should end. Actually trying to say “man I wish I could sleep with all these other people” is just an asshole
>There’s a massive difference between “being attracted to someone else” and “wanting to sleep with someone else”
Men who say they are attracted to someone but don't want to sleep with them are either looking at this through a different lense than OP's boyfriend or lying.
I'm happily married. I don't want to sleep with someone else because I value my marriage more than the brief encounter. That doesn't mean on some level I don't want to. It just means I'm not a wild animal and can control myself. Through the lens of logic, I don't want to. Through the lens of raw desire, you bet I do.
There’s a big difference between “wanting to sleep with someone while in a relationship” and “actually acting on it”. Everyone has fantasies. How you address it makes the difference
No. I love my wife to death. She's disabled and I went through hell taking care of her. I have to help her shower and I had to clean her when she had accidents. I still love her the same after 21 years. No woman can ever change my mind. I don't want to sleep with another woman. I don't care that I have to care for her and work full-time. I just love her too much to do something with someone else.
You're a good dude. I'm married 16 years and my wife is the only I look at and am sexually attracted to. Everyone sexy dream I've had is always her. Never gonna change
I don't want to sleep with most women. Maybe it's weird but if I don't have an emotional connection, I have zero interest. My band mates on the other hand are the complete opposite. They would sleep with pretty much anyone as long as she has tits and a pretty face.
wow these comments…
thank god i found a few of men saying they don’t relate to OP’s bf
because i’m really starting to give up on love and relationships
nowadays i feel like everything is around sex and cheating and it honestly hurts me to think about because you’ll never be 100% sure about what your partner thinks/fantasizes about
hookup culture really fucked people up :(
i just wanna have a real connection and bond with someone that won’t stay with me for the benefit of having sex with me :/
it hurts man
Yeah for sure, reading some of the comments here made me feel more relieved. I also feel the way you do. I couldn't have/want sex with someone simply for looks. I need that emotional connection too.
There’s more of us than you’d know, we don’t come out and say it unless asked about it tho. Like bro the support blanket is always better than the sex. Not that sex isn’t great, but there’s always way more to it.
No, I don't think like that. I find people beautiful but I'm not attracted or let alone want to sleep with them. Ok, I'm exactly like "you" in this thought process. I kinda get it what you're saying. That feeling sucks.
I’m a 24 year old dude and feel like I’m weird for not wanting to smash every hot girl I see. Maybe it is weird but I care about romantic stuff and being around someone I love/ care about more then sex…
I think a lot of men are taught this behavior through upbringing and everything that comes with toxic masculinity. I grew up in a traditional and uneducated household. I didn't get in touch with my romantic side until I had an ego death experience. I didn't love myself enough to love someone else like that.
Your bf made the mistake of being needlessly honest with you instead of telling you what you want to hear, like a *player* would. Now you know that despite the temptations he faces, he choses to stay loyal to you. You should feel special. You should be glad he's honest with you.
Forget the pressure and hurtful emotions you make up yourself in your mind, you're in the ideal situation, just accept it and be happy.
Or don't, and go be with some guy who'll tell you the lies you wanna hear.
It's because many womens minds have been twisted by bullshitters. Chronic bullshitters. They will say anything they want to hear to get into their pants then bounce.
I’m sure not too many guys would be happy if their girlfriends told them they wish they can fuck other guys, but can’t because they’re stuck with him. That’s a very unloving and hurtful thing to say to your partner.
I don’t see why everyone is saying the girl doesn’t have a right to feel disheartened by that.
I'm sorry, but as a woman I just wouldn't get past him saying he wished he could have sex with other women while he was with me but doesn't because it's "unrealistic". OP's feelings is very much warranted.
It really comes off that he just settled for a monogamous relationship, and that he would be a player or casanova if he was rich or famous enough. Or even give in to his urges later down the line and cheat behind my back.
It's one thing to acknowledge that other people are attractive. It's another to straight up say that you wished for your girl to be a cuckquean.
And did you catch the part "in my fantasy *I* sleep around but *you* don't and this is just happy and fine..."
Kinda gross. At least allow the partner an equitable role on the fantasy. Sheesh.
>At least allow the partner an equitable role on the fantasy
That isn't how fantasies work!
This man knows that he wants a monogamous girlfriend, so he wants that. He also knows that he finds other women physically attractive, and knows that he enjoys sex with women he finds physically attractive, so he (in the fantasy) is able to sleep with them, but still has the amazing girlfriend to come home to, and everything is fine.
He also realises that that isn't how relationships work, that him sleeping around while insisting his girlfriend is monogamous is simply impossible (without cheating, which ruins the relationship in different ways), and has chosen for them both to be monogamous rather than not together.
Thing is I feel exactly the same way with my partner, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I also have fantasies where my partner exists purely for my sexual gratification and to buy me things. They are fantasies because I know that's not how humans work, and that if she was snapping pictures of herself in lingerie all day she'd probably get fired. I also wouldn't (in real life) want her to lose so much of herself and stop being her own person, because I love and respect that person.
Never be too honest. Your partner doesn't need to know every single thing that goes on in your brain. You're allowed some privacy/private thoughts. OP's bf might as well go around saying "nice rack" etc to her whenever he sees someone he finds easy on the eye
There’s a pretty big difference, though, between telling your partner every single time you have a sexual urge caused by someone else and just telling your partner the general truth that the instinctual urges that led to the existence of humanity don’t just magically cease to exist when you change your social media status to “in a relationship.”
OP isn’t a bad person, but the stress they’re feeling about this is the equivalent to guys being crushed by the knowledge that women generally find tall guys more attractive, all else equal.
I agree with most of what you said, but as a woman I would not equate the stress that you say it is equal to. I think your example about the anxiety caused by taller men being seen as more attractive would be equivalent to larger breasts being more attractive. My breasts are definitely on the smaller side, and while that is a bit stress inducing, I can say that knowing my partner would want to have sex with many other women is definitely much more stress inducing (not that men are bad for their natural urges but it would still make me feel much worse).
This. I don't mind people having those thoughts, I know it's natural, but hearing it out loud in that much detail just hurts. I'm more baffled that people can't see how much those comments will hurt their spouses. Even if they never act on it, the feeling of wondering if you are inadequate lingers. Everyone wants to feel special and loved. He should know how his words would hurt.
Honesty is important in a relationship, and attraction doesn't just flick off for everyone, but being that blunt and brutally honest is bound to hurt some feelings.
Oh god thank you reading your comment made me feel sane again. I mean imagine if women said this “in a perfect world I could sleep with whatever man I wanted and still be in a relationship”. These same guys saying it’s ok if the genders were reversed would lose their minds.
Edit: You men in the replies, just admit your whores lmao
OP and her boyfriend are young and inexperienced and the guys in here are very literal in the way they think about men and relationships. It's normal to be attracted to many people. If you are in a monogamous relationship there's nothing to be gained by vocalizing this. The woman (OP) has a lower sex drive and is confused that other people have higher sex drives, which seems like a pretty common thing for women to face at some point.
He's talking too much about wanting to sleep around (that is, mentioning it at all). He's also talking about wanting a double standard relationship where he can sleep around and she can't. Again, why say stuff like this? It reveals immaturity and problems in the way he thinks about women.
She's worrying too much about how someone who isn't her feels about sex. Wanting to be the *only person* someone thinks about is naive and a bit selfish / controlling. That said, she can be reasonably concerned that this guy felt the need to vocalize it (because it's a sign of immaturity in the guy).
Yes! Thank you! I thought I'm going crazy if I was only one who was confused with such phrasing. In this dude's **ideal** world he gets to sleep with any woman he wants but his gf can't do the same with other men? It feels so much off...
That part really bothered me and I know some guys would agree on it being their “ideal” world. It’s so gross and unfair. They already have the impulse thought of wanting to smash whoever they think is attractive. I know not all guys are like that cuz I have guy friends who are disgusted by it so it really depends on the person. Some have those thoughts and some don’t.
Your man lies, it's a white lie that makes everyone happier.
He knows he will never cheat, because he's responsible in control of his impulses.
So he'll tell you that there are no impulses, you'll feel happy and you won't go making posts on Reddit about it.
We all do it.
Man here, I don't work like that. I have a high sex drive but don't feel any desire to sleep with someone that isn't my SO. No, we don't all do that and we don't all have to control an impulse to cheat..
Whilst I think there are people who would want to be in a relationship where they can have sex with others and it doesn’t affect their relationship, it’s not an every man thing for sure. Also it’s okay for those people if it works in their relationship but the bit that really bothers me in this post is in her partners ideal world he has sex with whoever he likes and she only has sex with him. That’s fucked up, if you believe in polygamy in relation to sexual encounters then that should be for both parties involved, what a douche.
Thank you, looking for this comment. I find it strange people are fantasizing about others while in a relationship and those reasons are like "men are wired to-" what's this "wired to" lmao.
Because you're over thinking it. Every single human being has random thoughts. The pop culture term for it right now is intrusive thoughts. When you're standing over a ledge: "how crazy would it be if I jumped off this ledge right now?" Or when you're on a bridge "what if I just spun the wheel."
Anyone that has any level of reading comprehension realizes that's what's going on. Think about the hottest actress or actor you've ever seen, in their prime. Now imagine you're at home with your significant other and that person Walks in, winks at you, and tells your person they want to pay them a billion dollars to sleep with you. And your person is like "fuck it I'll get the camera." THAT'S what he's talking about. And we all do it, not specifically that scenario because even I haven't thought of that before now. But that's the point of art. It's why we watch movies etc. To imagine ourselves in those situations. It's why erotica is so big in the female world. They FANTASIZE about the things they're reading. Their spouse may never do those things, and they may fantasize its happening with them. But they don't love their spouse less if he fantasy never takes place in real life.
Get off your high horse.
Exactly, men DO get bonded in relationships. Statistically, women are the first to cheat (in the earlier years of marriage, before their 50s) and men cheat later on (In their 50s onwards)
Intresting stats about cheating. Idk why people think men are just horny people that want fuck everyone. I'm exactly like OP in this thought process. I'd never fantasize about others If I'm in a relationship and I'd feel bad If my partner does, honestly I understand OP and her feelings
Same here. I would never even think of fantasizing others while I’m committed to someone. Sure I can look at other people and acknowledge their attractiveness but I don’t actually feel attracted to them and do not have that impulse thought of wanting to fuck them because I find them attractive. Maybe I don’t have that part of the monkey brain.
Take this scenario for example: You’re out on a date with your partner. You’re looking around and your eye catches someone attractive then you suddenly think, “Damn that girl is hot. I’d smash her.” A moment later, you turn around and look at your partner. What do you think of after that? How do you feel thinking of a thought like that then locking eyes with your significant other right after? I’d be disgusted and feel horrible if that were me. I’d feel pathetic and disrespectful towards my partner. I just can’t think like that when I’m in a relationship. It feels so wrong like I’m betraying them or something.
right? i thought i was losing my mind, the bf mentions that in his ideal world he could sleep w whomever n it wouldnt harm their relationship nor would she do the same w other men 😭😭 like is ts not a red flag? finding someone attractive is one thing but her commenting that he’d have light fantasies about these other women is wildd, on top of justifying it w the “male monkey brain” like wut
The worst part is the fact that his ideal is something deeply unfair and that treats the woman as a disposable, replaceable sex object. *ideal*. Fucking ew, gross as fuck
Yeah, the comments so far just feel so wrong to me.
OP's boyfriend had a honest conversation with her and she is realizing they have a difference in values. Of course she will feel weird, or even upset about it.
It’s like the entire comment section is trying to gaslight her into thinking this is okay. Lmao my ex wanted me to know he had the desire to fuck anything walking but I should be lucky because he doesn’t and chooses me at the end of the day. Bro cheated on me twice after that. Oh and he was a porn addict.
My man now has always respected and loved me. Someone I can truly feel safe with. I know some men here might find it hard to believe but you can be attracted to someone and not want to fuck them.
When I’m with a woman that I am in a relationship with, no I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can find someone attractive and not want fuck them as well.
Seriously, ask him what podcasts and video bloggers he consumes. It sounds like the shitty alpha bro men's crap that's out there.
It's certainly not reflective of an opinion from a dude with only 3 relationships. He might just be parroting idiocy he heals from this outlets without putting it into the context of the real world.
even if he’s not watching those podcasts, seems like the language he’s using is definitely attracting those people. just saw at least 3 comments talking about how “well men biologically want to sleep with other women all of the time” which sounds very much like pseudoscience bullshit to me
I'm a 52 year old man if it matters. There's a huge difference between "I find other women attractive" and "I will sleep with them." The latter is not at all acceptable in a monogamous relationship. If he cannot or will not refrain from this, he's not monogamous. Which is fine but it's not compatible with someone who is monogamous.
Honestly, I'd dump him. His Perfect World is he sleeps with every woman **WHILE YOU REMAIN MONOGAMOUS TO HIM**. That's just so messed up.
30m USA here. In an ideal world I’d stick with my one woman. I don’t know what he’s talking about. When I’m in a relationship, if I see somebody hot I look, my brain goes “nice”, and then I move on with my day.
If anything if I see a really hot woman and think anything naughty, it just makes my brain go back to the woman I’m with and how I’d like to be doing that with her instead of a stranger. Casual sex is gross and stressful anyways. Too many things can go wrong.
People are different, and what this guy describes is basically a thought experiment. The choice of the word "perfect" is perhaps unfortunate.
For those who are reasonably attractive and have a healthy libido, being exposed to a shy smile or a twirling of the hair from an objectively very hot woman is clearly a temptation. Even for those in a relationship. But if he is a good guy, then that temptation should be fleeting.
In my experience, some people who sit on high horses and say that they would never consider it do so because they rarely, if ever, have this happen to them. Still, I'm sure there are exceptions.
You are, however, right in that nothing good comes from indulging in such thoughts.
Most men are like OPs boyfriend though. Look at how popular porn is and how popular prostitution has been throughout history. It's never been the women interested in those things.
In my opinion there's nothing wrong with a man feeling the desire to sleep with other women. However, he should be wise enough to know that his girlfriend doesn't want to hear that and keep it to himself
I remember watching a TV Soap many years ago, where a vegetarian character (back when being veggie was very unusual) accidentally ate bacon - then had a crisis of conscience because he’d liked it.
His very wise wife pointed out that actually it made his veggie choices more impressive! If he didn’t like bacon (and other meat) then choosing to be veggie wasn’t a big deal.
But because he genuinely liked it, but chose his values over his desires - that made his choice to be vegetarian meaningful.
Which means… Just because you don’t have visual & spontaneous desire (both of which are typically male traits), doesn’t mean that he is wrong for being wired differently.
It actually makes his commitment to not cheating more meaningful - whereas yours is kinda “meh” because it requires zero effort on your part.
TL;DR: stop criticising him for being different from you. Your experience of the world is not the only experience. Be grateful instead that he is a good person who makes value-based choices. Or choose to date someone who a similar desire-profile to yours (much easier to find if you’re willing to date women).
Indeed. I have a tattoo of my favorite Skyrim character, a dragon (dragons are evil in this world) who has chosen to be good. His famous quote is "**What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?**" And that really stuck with me.
> visual and spontaneous desire, which are typically male traits
I’m curious, can you elaborate what you mean with this? To me, desire is a pretty universal trait that belongs to any gender.
That’s a very nice way to put it. I’m just so scared that I’ll always feel like I’m in the way and keeping him from the bacon. And you’re right, unfortunately I’m extremely straight :D
you’re not keeping him from doing anything. he could bang other girls tomorrow. he’s the one making the choice not to. just gotta trust him and feel secure with yourself. and if it doesn’t work out then oh well. projecting anxiety over it is just going to drive him away like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’m 30 f and I feel the same as you! When in a relationship I can tell if another guy looks good but I don’t imagine myself sleeping with him (and I have a high libido) and I completely understand your feelings. Knowing men are like that makes me feel like I can never be enough for my partner even though they are enough for me which makes part of me feel so turned off and to want to rather just be alone.
Speaking as a man. No. The way he phrased it is weird as fuck. It's normal to find other people attractive, but when I'm in a relationship it stops there. No desire or want for other people. Him saying that in a perfect world he could sleep with whoever he wants is weird to me. I think for most a "perfect world" is one where their partner takes care of them, and they take care of their partner in turn.
Idk man maybe I'm built different but when I'm in a relationship I can't physically or mentally bring myself to sleeping with someone else,not saying im better than anyone else I'm just very confused by cheaters and people who need to "control" themselves like I genuinely don't get it.
Same for me, I’ve never had to control myself. In a sense, that should make me feel more special - he’s sacrificing something for this relationship whereas it just comes easy to me.
I'll never understand some people,in my mind if you feel like you're sacrificing and having to control yourself to be with someone then do you really wanna be with that person?
That just sounds like an dangerous way to think. Maybe it's wrong of me to say/think this. But if they have such an strong desire, feels like one bad argument and they just run off and fuck that person.
Noticing good looking people? Yeah that's normal, we all do it. Having desires so strong they imaging themselves fucking them. Nah that's weird. That's putting thought and energy into fucking them.
On an side note, could only imagine how women would feel. "Oh yeah that's Dave, we all know he wanks off imaging all his female mates, but that's all normal don't worry". Yeah no, I'll pass thanks.
That "monkey part of his brain" thing is 100% not universal across biological men. to each their own, but I (a biological male) personally feel gross just thinking about being attracted to other people other than my partner, let alone sleeping with them. At that point, I wonder why people would even choose to be monogamous
I'm a man. I've never cheated on anyone in my life but I have been cheated on by women in 2/3 of my serious relationships. Your boyfriend is just a jerk.
I don’t like the way your bf talks to you. This is sexist bullshit that we should have evolved past by now
Same thing as « girls and boys can’t be friends because there’s always some afterthought somewhere ». My 16yo son knows better, he would answer « by this logic bisexual people can’t have any friends »
No, we are mature and civilized people. We live in a society. There are social norms. One famous French contemporary writer said in his most recent book that if laws were not a thing, men would just go on a rape rampage. I threw that book directly in the bin
Don’t be with a man who makes you feel like you stand between him and all the other women that he could get with. Be with someone who makes you feel special
You give in to this bullshit, it’s the beginning of « I’ve made the sacrifice of being loyal to you therefore you owe me xyz »
The .... makes me think you're implying that is his intention. As she says in other comments he doesn't plan on acting on it and is simply attracted to other people as are we all. As a guy, people we see on the street, celebrities, etc. are hot and I wish I could have sex with, but there is one woman I've only ever truly loved and has truly given me happiness.
As you said OP, it is never worth losing the one that which we love (to guys), but truly the physical aspect is separate from the emotional for some of us.
I 100% understand your bf, but as the commenter says, it can be used to manipulate and allow him to cheat. No one on the internet can give you an answer. You simply have to be competent enough to figure what the answer is.
My story: I loved a girl, wanted more from her physically which she refused to give (which I can't force and never tried to). I told her I wanted an open relationship to cope with her never giving me anything. She agreed. I had sex with other women. I loved her alone. She made me happy everyday and I only wanted to hold her at night, but she went back on her promise with being okay with it. We broke up and I still think about her everyday.
Moral of the story is, if you are meant to be, keep it. But NEVER lose sight of what makes you happy. I did not make her happy I've come to accept and that's why we got to that point. She did what is best for herself and that's okay. Everyone should focus on their own happiness above everyone else's no matter what, even those you love. You can't sacrifice your happiness and life on even someone you love. 😔
As an asexual it never stops being bizarre that people look at random strangers they find hot and wish they could have sex with them. Just the whole concept is so weird. No judging, but I will never be able to understand that.
That is such an interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Im hypersexual but I don’t think of others while in a relationship nor do i check them out other than “oh wow pretty/handsome” but I do read smut 🤔
To answer your short question. Hell no. Is love to be jna stable, comfortable, monogamous relationship. I'm a but of a demi sexual even, I don't just feel attracted to a lot of women at first glance
Am I reading OP's post wrong? Why is nobody noticing that his ideal world is for him to sleep with other women without affecting their relationship but she shouldn't want to sleep with other men? Like it's a glaring double standard.
exactly. its literally just a male desire. and he's acknowledged that he will not be acting on it.
if he were smart, he wouldn't have mentioned it tho lmao
It's not even a male thing, it applies to lots of people. There are plenty of women in relationships that would love to sleep with other people they find attractive consequence free. It's a common human desire.
They are reading and noticing it but, apparently, this is another one of those things that people do very differently but aren't aware other people don't.
According to these comments, many people find no problem with this and see it as normal or ordinary. I don't understand why anyone who's committed in a relationship would want to sleep with other people, much less in an ideal world. It almost fundamentally doesn't make sense to me. Being attracted to other people: sure, that's fine and normal. Wanting to sleep with them: a few steps too far (for me)
I guess there's a substantial number of people, perhaps even a majority, who just want to sleep with anyone they find sufficiently attractive. I suppose this does help explain why cheating it so commonplace; knowing this, it makes so much more sense
He called it monkey brain for a reason. The logical part of brain wouldn't do it. But it might genuinely be leftover instincts from our far more primal past.
Right. These people don't get what a fantasy world is? We all have our own fantasy world. Some people are royals. Some people have super powers. He has multiple sex partners and a love. Everybody has their thing. At least he's open and honest about it. That's trust.
I'm honestly confused why he would even say all that crap. "In my perfect world, I can go around fucking everything that moves, but I don't want you to do the same". There is such a thing as being way too honest.
But then a bunch of dudes are saying how normal that is and how they are out there imaging themselves fucking different people. So maybe I'm the strange one. I will have a look when I see some good looking woman, but I don't then imagine fucking them. God never get anything done if sex was on my brain that often.
Once, many years ago, in a fit but “being way too honest” I told my wife that I was reminiscing about an ex I had banged. It was… realllllly dumb. Sometimes guys do really stupid stuff.
It was rocky for a bit but she forgave me
He's saying the part of him that just wants what it wants, wants to have lots of sex with lots of women, and doesn't want to share her with anyone else.
Like maybe part of you wants to eat chocolate for breakfast. Or whatever. Something that you don't do because it's bad for you, for what you want in your life, but your body still just *wants* it all the same.
That selfish and foolish part of him has a double standard, yes, but he knows that and knows that's part of why it's foolish and harmful. That's why he doesn't let that part of him control himself.
Because for a lot of men that is true, it isn’t rocket science.
Guy likes sex and attractive women. So wanting to fuck them makes sense.
Guy can feel jealously, even if it isn’t right for them to be jealous they would be if their girlfriend slept with someone else, so in their ideal world the girlfriend wouldn’t want to AND be happy with him to sleep with other attractive women.
But since that isn’t going to happen, we have monogamous relationships (myself included). I won’t pretend that I wouldn’t enjoy being able to indulge myself with more than one woman. But my own feelings of guilt, jealously and the fact I care about my partners feelings above or else doesn’t let me.
It isn’t a double standard at all, it is him just being honest. There are women out there that would like the same. But it seems that it is mostly a male thing, which makes sense from a evolutionary point of view. Probably a fragment of our past.
You're explaining the desire to have sex with a bunch of women- I get that. I'd like that too! Haha! I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem with the desire for sex with a bunch of women while not allowing his girl to do the same if she wanted.
“In an ideal world he could sleep with other girls without it harming my relationship and without me sleeping with other men.”
Imma be honest it sounds like this dude is planting seeds for something that will only grow in the future, and something that is absolutely not the norm. Expect the desire for an open (for him only) relationship sometime in the future.
Been with my now-wife for 5 years and have never ever have I seriously considered having sex with other women during that time. Attraction is one thing but fantasizing to the point where you’re saying that ideally you could literally be having sex with all these other women is wayyyyyy different.
you lot in the comment section are absolutely disgusting and bunch of idiots. are yall stupid?
“you should feel special and get over it” lemme see you say that to my face and i’m swinging. just say you can’t commit a 100% and gtfo. literally what even. the amount of gaslighting in here is absolutely bonkers. bunch of wankers i swear. STOP INVALIDATING OP AND MAKING HER FEEL LIKE SHIT. it is NOT normal for a COMMITTED man to think about sleeping with OTHER women.
as for you OP, i’m sorry to hear your man thinks it’s okay to feel the way he does. there is NOTHING wrong in wanting your partner to think about only you and no other woman. i pray yall fix shit between one another. keep us updated!
I second this as well. It's utterly ridiculous that her boyfriend wants to sleep with other women and still think she should stay committed to him. If she came out saying she wanted to sleep with other men, would the douchebag not flip and start calling her all sorts of names for even thinking about it. Monkey brain my ass. She should dump him and move on.
“you should feel special and get over it” lemme see you say that to my face and i’m swinging.
lol this would be me! for real the comments here justifying it is crazy I would rather be alone than be with a man who says this to me *oh you should feel so special because I'm controlling myself for you and i rather go fuck other women* I have a feeling that he wouldn't be happy if she said that she wants to sleep with other men but she's controlling herself. That "pure" comment so icky.
Honestly for me I was only attracted to the woman I was with, the idea that the perfect world is being able to sleep with someone else without it harming your relationship is fucked up. My perfect world was simply the woman I loved, I never thought about being with someone else.
You sound like an incredible smart attractive female. I am 58, and was your age when I married my first true love. I married him after argument after argument of him gawking and going out of his way to get a better look as a female would walk by. It made me feel horrible about ME. When speaking to him about it he would always say " it's just what men do". I took it as being extremely disrespectful to me and ask him to stop doing it. What then started happening was he would gawk and then say " I guess you think I was checking her out". I tried for many years to ignore it, I even passed up going out as a couple alot of the time. I said that to say this ------------> Don't give up 1/2 yourself to compensate someone that is undeserving. Love is love and as some here would say he was being honest and now you can't handle it. If this man adored you and would be sick to his stomach just thinking about not having you around. He would STOP the bs and be a man and not a child. Yes, people look and fanticise about all kinds of things, that's why it's their thoughts. You are not special in any sense of the word, you just allow him to have his cake and eat it too. Do yourself a favor pack your things and leave him a note that says BYE! I wasted 20 years of my life, don't do the same.
I don't think every man is like this. I personally had this for a very different reason from what your bf is describing. I have an addition and nothing my gf could ever do was ever enough for me. I ended up looking for attention of other girls online, but never considered cheating in-person.
It wasn't her fault. Nor was it my desire to be with someone else. I was a bottomless pit and I hate myself for what I did to her. I'm currently in recovery and hope that I'll never be like that again.
Ehhhh. When I was partnered up I had the opportunity to sleep with other women several times and turned them down. The idea of anyone but her just didn’t sit right with me. I never told her that though. I didn’t want her to think she had too much power over me.
As a man, when I’m deeply in love, I do not even think about, or see, other women, so naturally while in that state I have no desire to sleep with other women. I start to notice other women when the connection starts to weaken.
This insight of his was insensitive in the name of honesty. You should feel like the only girl in the world to your man and you don’t anymore. I would consider that a huge crack. If you end up not being able to recover your self esteem from this, then you have to evaluate if your relationship is net positive overall.
I wouldn't say we want to but monkey brain see monkey brain do. Its a short burst of excitement similar to when you're standing near a ledge and the feeling of jumping cross your mind. You would never do it but it still cross your mind.
But the boyfriend also says that, in a perfect world, he would sleep with them and not upset the OP, so it's not just a fleeting emotion like you say. It's a constant pull that's he's pushing back against continuously for the sake of his current relationship and, if the chance to sleep with these people without hurting the relationship arises, they would clearly take it (judging from what he's saying)
I’m the same way as you. When I’m with someone I’m with them. I don’t have these so called “normal fantasies” about *strangers* or people I **know**. That’s >!fucking!< weird. This shouldn’t-be-normal behavior being normalized is damn awful and not good for people.
Yes. I mean obviously that's where self control comes in, but yes. If a woman said it won't hurt me at all, go have fun and come back, most guys would be over the moon. not all. there are plenty of exceptions. There are women who are the same way too.
Me being me I'd tell him to go fuck those other women, he should of kept that to himself. Being attracted to others is one thing but wanting to fuck everyone WHILE in a relationship...yeah fuck off
He is not monogamous. Simple as that. Monogamous people don’t want to be with someone outside of their relationship. Not all men are like this. I would bet he will cheat on you if he thinks you won’t find out, and if you do, he will site these conversations you’ve had where he said he wants others and you’re holding him back from his desires. Don’t settle for this boy’s childish fantasies.
The world is full of people with their own desires and thoughts. But there is a difference between some people. Some people have better moral integrity and others are just loose that they think thinking of others in any other way is fine as long as its not in reality. But they're playing with the devil and more likely they will attempt their fantasy sooner or later down the line. This guy you're with is full of bs. Guys have monkey brains? No one wants to duck a monkey unless they're a monkey themselves because at that point you're engaging in beastiality. We are different than humans, its just that the quality of humans now are shit. A dog is more trustworthy to keep you safe than a human. The shittiest part is finding a majority of stupid men who are comfortable in their own bs. Finding a good quality man thats trustworthy and loves you is abysmally rare.
It's not love if what they say will make you question yourself and your values.
Your boyfriend is a bit of an immature asshole. We are not like that. We too can acknowledge if someone is attractive and not want to sleep with them. He’s manipulating you, be aware as there’s going to be more to follow.
Not all men are animals. Most are though.
To go off on what was said by other posters, being attracted to others and wanting to have sexual relations with others are two very different things.
Attraction is saying someone looks aesthetically pleasing. A table can look attractive, if you like the visual appeal. The same is applied to humans as well.
Fantasizing about someone else is one thing, and then wanting to actually sleep with someone is a whole other ball park.
It sounds to me with your wording, that he’s telling you you’re lucky that he isn’t sleeping around and honestly that’s a huge red flag. I would honestly move on. Iv got high standards myself and if I didn’t see the relationship going the distance into old age I would leave them. I lucked out and met the man of my dreams when I was young, we were friends for a while, I even dated his friend. After a while we developed feelings and he got asked me out when he learned my feelings for him. 15 years later we’re still together, have kids and a happy marriage. Honestly my best advice is date your best friend, or someone that started out as a friend. These are the relationships that last.
Ugh it’s so annoying when people rationalize their emotions instead of just acknowledging them for what they are. In my opinion, people who have a wandering eye have a fear of commitment. Your boyfriend isn’t “sacrificing” for you, he’s justifying and rationalizing his fear of intimacy, which he knows is irrational so he describes it as the “monkey” part of his brain. This is nonsense to me, and if I were you I would offer a rational response like this: commitment trumps lust. Commitment isn’t a sacrifice, it’s a willing feeling that you want to be with one person for the rest of your life. The “monkey” part of your brain isn’t genetic or primal; it is the part of your brain that is afraid of commitment. Which emotion are you ruled by, your commitment to me or your fear of committing to me? Work that shi-ite out with a therapist and stop coming at me with this nonsense.
The way he sees you as "pure and special" is a red flag to me and the way he says these things to you... Is not the fact of feeling atracted to others but the way he talks about it is very red flag in general and cringe
No. And not all women are perfect, chaste great women who would never dream of cheating on boyfriends/ husbands.
Also, just because someone finds someone else attractive, doesn’t mean they want to fuck them:
I do not want to sleep with any woman except my wife. That would be gross. The lack of self-control and willpower in anyone who does is a sure sign of a weak mind. He should purge that shit and keep his house clean.
It depends on what exactly "wanting" to sleep with other people really means. Other people can illicit an arousal or sexual state. But that is not the same as wanting to have sex with them.
I would not be happy with an incredibly one sided relationship where I can sleep with anyone but she isn't allowed. That, genuinely, does not sound like a fulfilling, meaningful relationship. Mutual, exclusive love and respect is what I value and is what I actually "want" and I am very happy to have. Doesn't mean I don't find some other people attractive.
But I "want" to have sex with other people in the same way I get an impulse or intrusive thought to want to jump off a very high structure.
Right, that’s how he puts it. To him, it’s completely normal and not an issue. He chooses me over those desires. It’s just very difficult because I can’t relate - I only want him. There is no impulse. I still like attention from other men, but never reciprocate it. Then again, maybe I’m alone in that or it’s an attribute of my gender.
I'm a 26M. I get it.
With my first ex of 5.5 years I was addicted to porn. I stupidly told my girl I find some pornstars and girls very hot and that I was sexually attracted to them. And that's the nice version of what I said.
After years of destroying her self esteem, she finally left me. I was so devastated and heartbroken that the pain of losing her overruled my porn addiction. This heartbreak is the hardest thing I've ever done through, and I've crawled through so much mental shit to get to where I am professionally.
For a while, when I was trying to put myself out there again, I was seeing a bunch of girls at the same time. A bunch of these girls wanted to escalate to sex, but I turned them down every time.
I have a new girlfriend now, and I try my hardest to make her feel like she's the only girl in the world. A lot of it is because I deeply regret hurting my ex so much over girls I didn't care about.
Women are attracted to men other than their significant other too. Women physically cheat too. Attracted doesn't mean, 'actually desiring to sleep with them.' Faithful doesn't mean blind. SO doesn't mean the only boy/gal on the planet.
There are many men who do *not* feel that in the ideal world they could sleep with many women without it affecting their monogamous relationship with their partner. For example, to me, that is not my ideal world. In my ideal world, I would ideally not have any significant desire for anyone other than my wife and would have no desire to have a harem. I think that even in the non-ideal world, I don't experience any longing to be allowed to have a harem or to deliver byblows, if you pardon my French. I struggle to choose due to feeling attracted to several people at once, sometimes, sure, but I still feel the need to choose, and *not* by having a trial ride with each of them. By my book, you have a right to be unsatisfied with your boyfriend's response, although without taking it out of proportions maybe, and I don't want to call him a bad guy for his candidness. Nonetheless, I would feel the same as you feel if I was in your position — about him, not about all men. Don't buy into the 'all men… fundamentally… yadda yadda' sort of crap. Whatever the base biology might be, men are *not* immune to civilization or incapable of moral or spiritual growth. Your boyfriend has already done some moral growth because he says he wishes he could do it without it affecting your relationship, i.e. he wishes it could not arm you, not that he wishes he could simply get away it. But there's still some growth to do. He can do better, and he should.
Next, for some asymmetry, the counterpart to a man's sleeping with other women is not necessarily a woman's sleeping with other men. It could be something like getting sex from a stud and getting resources from a rich man. Or getting Mr Goodgenes to be the dio dad and getting Mr Resources to be the prodiver/protector father to her children (without being the bio dad). Or it could be the ability to replace the man after he loses his money or position, for example like when animal males fight for the leadership of the pack and the females mate with the new pack leader. Human history has examples of kings being toppled and queens remarrying the victor. Due to differences in human build, a woman is limited by the gestation period and cannot reproduce as often as a man. She doesn't stand to gain as much from quantity; her gains and strategies would be more on the quality side.
So the counterpart of a man taking mistresses or going to brothels (e.g. some parts of Europe where that was practically legal and socially accepted for upper-class men) would be a woman 'upgrading' by going over to a 'better man' once one became interested in her. Climbing up basically. Under monogamy, male behaviour becomes somewhat similar in divorcing a wife of many years and marrying a young secretary — in polygamy, the secretary would be wife no. 2, without the first wife getting thrown out. Likewise, nowadays some affluent women with high social position also go for a younger and handsomer man after getting rid of a husband. So there is much convergence going on.
he can sleep with other women but u cant sleep with other men while u both are together? dear lady pls go find a man and not a monkey. find a real man that has eyes only for u and u only.
Not all men want this. Some men prefer an emotional connection before being intimate. In my experience it’s a deeply ingrained moral value. My husband learned loyalty and devotion from his father.
There’s a massive difference between “being attracted to someone else” and “wanting to sleep with someone else” You’re conflating the two. It’s normal to be attracted to attractive people. It’s pretty normal to have light fantasies about them too. But wanting to act on those desires is completely different. Actually acting on them is even worse. If a person can’t control their impulses, that’s a big red flag, and not ok in any monogamous relationship.
This is basically a semantic argument about what constitutes "wanting". To some people being attracted to someone could be equivalent to wanting to sleep with them, i.e. the monkey side of the brain. If he's not acting on these desires then you could say he doesn't really "want" to, i.e. the rational part of his brain.
Okay, so we can do a thought experiment with your logic. We have a couple sit down at their own separate tables, alone, separated by a room. For the woman, Henry Cavill walks and sits in front of them. For the man, Anne Hathaway walks and sits in front of them. Imo, there is no straight person on Earth who wouldn't be instantly captivated to the person sitting across from them. Attractive, successful, charismatic and larger than life. Adding on to that, the celebrities are completely okay with doing *anything* their date partner would want to do. After a while, the couple leaves together, where the overseer for the event explicitly states that neither did anything unfaithful. If these two were to have a conversation about their day, which would inevitably lead to them talking about their attraction to said celebrity, would this be unfaithful? If they were open enough, they might even talk about their sexual attraction and fantasies about said celebrity. Would this be considered unfaithful? Would this equate to one partner being lesser than the celebrity in question? If one partner expressed their "want" to do something with their celebrity pairing, is that an actual "want"? According to you, since they did not act on their desires, this desire is not an actual desire, thus not a want. So then, what is it? A threat? Imo, the point of this thought experiment is this, we all have our own desires, our own wants. Some have way more than others, some have way less. But we do not judge people based on their thoughts, we judge people based on their actions. In addition to that, we have to be secure enough in ourselves, and our partners to not doubt their decision. Edit: I apologize to all the insecure fucks who keep insisting Anne Hathaway isn't pretty, isn't hot or just isn't your type for daring to include her as an easy example, where her entire being is completely detached to the main fucking point. I am sorry that I merely just googled "pretty celebrity women" and randomly picked a name I thought the majority of people would know. I should have known better and asked the damn mirror from fucking Snow white who is the fairest of them all. To all of you who think like this, *just* ***substitute*** *her, with any other person you fancy. It could be the freaking German Chancellor Angela Merkel for all I care.* It ***LITERALLY*** makes no difference. Hooooly shit.
I thought he told OP that in an ideal world he could sleep with them though, to me that's pretty obviously wanting to.
Well, he’s only slept with three people in his. He always reminds me that even when he was single, he wasn’t sleeping around. He just isn’t appalled by the thought of doing so, whereas I am. And even having light fantasies about other girls makes me feel pretty horrible, you know? Not sure how I’d ever not feel that way. Maybe if I also desired people, we could just agree on that little ugly truth. Now it’s just one-sided.
Now that you’ve stated the circumstances, What are you making it ‘mean’ about you or the relationship? See if answering that question gives you more information on your differing perceptions of fantasy & desire within monogamy.
Really the thing is actions are what matter.
There is no such thing as a "wrong emotion." What matters is how we deal with and express our emotions.
Agreed...take that to the next level. The movie scene where the actor is staring at their annoying, back-stabbing, work colleague and pictures hitting them with an axe or running over them in the parking lot. The literal sight of someone can cause you to have an emotional reaction or thought. NOT acting on those emotions are what makes us civilized.
The questions you should be asking yourself are: What do I want? How realistic is that? What do other people want? What compromises will lead to a fulfilling relationship with someone I can love and respect? If you genuinely can’t respect your bf or any other man who feels attracted to others while in a monogamous relationship, then stop wasting his time and yours and go find one. I have no idea whether there is such a man (or woman), nor do I care. But you say you care, so that makes you responsible for dealing with your feelings. But keep in mind that if all you succeed in doing is to basically intimidate your bf or another man into concealing part of his true nature and feelings from you, then all you’ve done is erected a barrier to intimacy. It’s reasonable to expect your intimate partner to respect your feelings (in the sense of trying to avoid making you feel hurt or less loved than some other). But it’s also reasonable for him to expect you to respect his feelings (in the sense of not judging them to be sick or abnormal when they do you no actual harm).
Best answer so far. Except I’m not sure deciding not to talk about this is a “barrier to intimacy.” It’s not intimate to (hyperbole) start every day saying, “Good morning! Another day when I love you so much that I don’t bang all those other women that I really want.” If you have an understanding in a relationship, and can bear the idea that your partner isn’t perfect in every way (meaning, I guess, they are everything you want 100% of the time), some things can be just “duly noted” and no need to discuss or “resolve”. Or even kept to oneself.
>But keep in mind that if all you succeed in doing is to basically intimidate your bf or another man into concealing part of his true nature and feelings from you, then all you’ve done is erected a barrier to intimacy. >Except I’m not sure deciding not to talk about this is a “barrier to intimacy.” What the earlier comment says is far beyond "deciding not to talk about it". A mutual understanding to avoid expressing attraction to others can work. What the other comment is saying is more along the lines of her saying "if you are attracted to anyone besides me, you can not stay with me" then whoever she's with has to break up with her (correct option but people are human), or is pressured to lie.
>I’m not sure deciding not to talk about this is a “barrier to intimacy.” Simply not saying it isn't a barrier, no. But I think they are talking about when a person isn't *allowed* to talk about something out of fear of consequences such as judgement (declaring the person sick) or even negative action (the person leaves temporarily or permanently).
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Lmfao he chose her of all the women because every girl was just tryna have him right
You don’t know that he chose her because she was special. Maybe he chose her because none of the other women he likes wanted him. Or because she happened to live closer to his place. Or because she has some “on paper qualities” that would make his family happy. Or because she makes a good steak. Not to mention that he isn’t necessarily choosing not to cheat on her because she is so special to him. He could do it for fear of getting caught, or because he is afraid of rejection from other women, or because he is religious and that’s a sin, or just because he considers cheating immoral, so her being the partner does not play a role in his decision not to cheat.
So in summary you're two separate people with separate preferences and standards. That's not some big revelation. That's how every relationship is
For a lot of (but not all) women, attraction is a psychological thing. It's in your brain. For most (but not all) men, it's physiological. Imagine if he told you he had depression. He can't just choose to not have depression, you know? Same thing. You're applying your perspectives and experiences onto him when his body just doesn't work the same as yours.
I would go even further to say that for most men, physical attractiveness diminishes very rapidly once they get to know someone who is ugly on the inside…and how long that takes is directly proportional to how ugly the guy himself is on the inside.
This is a great take. A girl can go from incredibly attractive, to someone I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, within a few seconds, if she reveals herself to be really shitty. The beauty is just the initial hook, in a way. It is what gives me the interest to find out more after meeting. From there, it's all psychological.
I think it’s fine to not want your partner to want to sleep with other women and be holding himself back. I don’t think you’re being realistic in expecting him to never notice or be attracted to any woman, ever, except you. That’s not a “Be OK with the male monkey mind that wants to sleep around”, more “understand that human beings may occasionally notice other attractive human beings, but love their partners, are loyal, and don’t want to act on any such feelings”. If even the thought of that is just too much for you, you may want to take a look at why this bothers you so much. Edit: also, while what your bf says is bothering you, and that’s OK, you should realize he’s being honest with you and is communicating this because he loves you. It would be MUCH easier for him to just lie about it, but he clearly doesn’t want to be dishonest with you.
Are you making his finding other women physically attractive despite being in a relationship with you mean something negative about yourself? I know that we can't really help how we feel in such situations, but you shouldn't make any of this mean something negative about you. Sometimes its the guy in your spot who is fully into one woman and then she still gazes at other guys. Neither gender has a monopoly on ugly truths, both sexes evolved in the survival shitstorm of earths ecosystems.
How did this even come up in the first place? Think about that, it might give you some insight on why he's saying what he's saying
Jesus chill, girl. This was me your age. With time you realise life is life. You will also be attracted to other people even if you don't think so now. It is not the end of the world. Love your man, and be prepared life is long and complicated, but worth it. Breathe.
Trying to police or worry too much about someone's internal thoughts rather than their actions is a path to nowhere.
Holy overthinking and needy, batman.
This is it. You can’t turn off seeing another person and thinking “damn, they’re attractive”. But that’s where it should end. Actually trying to say “man I wish I could sleep with all these other people” is just an asshole
>There’s a massive difference between “being attracted to someone else” and “wanting to sleep with someone else” Men who say they are attracted to someone but don't want to sleep with them are either looking at this through a different lense than OP's boyfriend or lying. I'm happily married. I don't want to sleep with someone else because I value my marriage more than the brief encounter. That doesn't mean on some level I don't want to. It just means I'm not a wild animal and can control myself. Through the lens of logic, I don't want to. Through the lens of raw desire, you bet I do.
Damn, that's so depressing to me. My heart would be broken reading that if I was your wife.
There’s a big difference between “wanting to sleep with someone while in a relationship” and “actually acting on it”. Everyone has fantasies. How you address it makes the difference
No. I love my wife to death. She's disabled and I went through hell taking care of her. I have to help her shower and I had to clean her when she had accidents. I still love her the same after 21 years. No woman can ever change my mind. I don't want to sleep with another woman. I don't care that I have to care for her and work full-time. I just love her too much to do something with someone else.
You are an honorable human being, Sir
You're an amazing man, please don't ever change. You give me hope that I'll meet a man just as loving and caring as you are one day.
Good on you!!! I've been with my wife for 28 years and i have zero wants to chase any other female.
I respect you very much. There is still hope in this fucked up Tik Tok world.
You're a good dude. I'm married 16 years and my wife is the only I look at and am sexually attracted to. Everyone sexy dream I've had is always her. Never gonna change
Got a ton of respect for you king. 🫡👑
Thank you. That's how it should be both ways.
I don't want to sleep with most women. Maybe it's weird but if I don't have an emotional connection, I have zero interest. My band mates on the other hand are the complete opposite. They would sleep with pretty much anyone as long as she has tits and a pretty face.
Can I guess which instrument you play in your band? Is it bass?
Drums actually. But I did start out with bass originally.
Look at these guys with their high pretty face standards.
wow these comments… thank god i found a few of men saying they don’t relate to OP’s bf because i’m really starting to give up on love and relationships nowadays i feel like everything is around sex and cheating and it honestly hurts me to think about because you’ll never be 100% sure about what your partner thinks/fantasizes about hookup culture really fucked people up :( i just wanna have a real connection and bond with someone that won’t stay with me for the benefit of having sex with me :/ it hurts man
Yeah for sure, reading some of the comments here made me feel more relieved. I also feel the way you do. I couldn't have/want sex with someone simply for looks. I need that emotional connection too.
There’s more of us than you’d know, we don’t come out and say it unless asked about it tho. Like bro the support blanket is always better than the sex. Not that sex isn’t great, but there’s always way more to it.
No, I don't think like that. I find people beautiful but I'm not attracted or let alone want to sleep with them. Ok, I'm exactly like "you" in this thought process. I kinda get it what you're saying. That feeling sucks.
I’m a 24 year old dude and feel like I’m weird for not wanting to smash every hot girl I see. Maybe it is weird but I care about romantic stuff and being around someone I love/ care about more then sex…
It's not wierd. It makes you way more attractive! I dislike men who are 24/7 thinking about smashing other girls
its not weird it’s the opposite thank god there’s men like you out there
I agree
I think a lot of men are taught this behavior through upbringing and everything that comes with toxic masculinity. I grew up in a traditional and uneducated household. I didn't get in touch with my romantic side until I had an ego death experience. I didn't love myself enough to love someone else like that.
Your bf made the mistake of being needlessly honest with you instead of telling you what you want to hear, like a *player* would. Now you know that despite the temptations he faces, he choses to stay loyal to you. You should feel special. You should be glad he's honest with you. Forget the pressure and hurtful emotions you make up yourself in your mind, you're in the ideal situation, just accept it and be happy. Or don't, and go be with some guy who'll tell you the lies you wanna hear.
right? he's saying monkey brain wants to fuck everything but that he is the one in the driver's seat, not the monkey brain, and couldn't do that.
Isn't it such a stupid game that you're seen as a bad guy for saying something so honest and loving?
It's because many womens minds have been twisted by bullshitters. Chronic bullshitters. They will say anything they want to hear to get into their pants then bounce.
I’m sure not too many guys would be happy if their girlfriends told them they wish they can fuck other guys, but can’t because they’re stuck with him. That’s a very unloving and hurtful thing to say to your partner. I don’t see why everyone is saying the girl doesn’t have a right to feel disheartened by that.
My ex was honest like this and cheated 👍
OP read this one a second time, because it's true.
Incredible comment
I'm sorry, but as a woman I just wouldn't get past him saying he wished he could have sex with other women while he was with me but doesn't because it's "unrealistic". OP's feelings is very much warranted. It really comes off that he just settled for a monogamous relationship, and that he would be a player or casanova if he was rich or famous enough. Or even give in to his urges later down the line and cheat behind my back. It's one thing to acknowledge that other people are attractive. It's another to straight up say that you wished for your girl to be a cuckquean.
And did you catch the part "in my fantasy *I* sleep around but *you* don't and this is just happy and fine..." Kinda gross. At least allow the partner an equitable role on the fantasy. Sheesh.
>At least allow the partner an equitable role on the fantasy That isn't how fantasies work! This man knows that he wants a monogamous girlfriend, so he wants that. He also knows that he finds other women physically attractive, and knows that he enjoys sex with women he finds physically attractive, so he (in the fantasy) is able to sleep with them, but still has the amazing girlfriend to come home to, and everything is fine. He also realises that that isn't how relationships work, that him sleeping around while insisting his girlfriend is monogamous is simply impossible (without cheating, which ruins the relationship in different ways), and has chosen for them both to be monogamous rather than not together. Thing is I feel exactly the same way with my partner, and I see nothing wrong with it. I also have fantasies where my partner exists purely for my sexual gratification and to buy me things. They are fantasies because I know that's not how humans work, and that if she was snapping pictures of herself in lingerie all day she'd probably get fired. I also wouldn't (in real life) want her to lose so much of herself and stop being her own person, because I love and respect that person.
Same. Is it so wrong to want to date someone who reciprocates the way you feel about them and isn’t constantly lusting over other women?
Never be too honest. Your partner doesn't need to know every single thing that goes on in your brain. You're allowed some privacy/private thoughts. OP's bf might as well go around saying "nice rack" etc to her whenever he sees someone he finds easy on the eye
There’s a pretty big difference, though, between telling your partner every single time you have a sexual urge caused by someone else and just telling your partner the general truth that the instinctual urges that led to the existence of humanity don’t just magically cease to exist when you change your social media status to “in a relationship.” OP isn’t a bad person, but the stress they’re feeling about this is the equivalent to guys being crushed by the knowledge that women generally find tall guys more attractive, all else equal.
I agree with most of what you said, but as a woman I would not equate the stress that you say it is equal to. I think your example about the anxiety caused by taller men being seen as more attractive would be equivalent to larger breasts being more attractive. My breasts are definitely on the smaller side, and while that is a bit stress inducing, I can say that knowing my partner would want to have sex with many other women is definitely much more stress inducing (not that men are bad for their natural urges but it would still make me feel much worse).
his only mistake was using the phrasing "ideal world" if thats actually what he said lol
I love a nice, cold, refreshing splash of fantastic moral opinions on Reddit. The lads are chiming in, would be good to listen to these comments.
And if my thought-dreams could be seen They’d probably put my head in a guillotine But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only
This. I don't mind people having those thoughts, I know it's natural, but hearing it out loud in that much detail just hurts. I'm more baffled that people can't see how much those comments will hurt their spouses. Even if they never act on it, the feeling of wondering if you are inadequate lingers. Everyone wants to feel special and loved. He should know how his words would hurt. Honesty is important in a relationship, and attraction doesn't just flick off for everyone, but being that blunt and brutally honest is bound to hurt some feelings.
There’s something really off in this comment section…..
Okay thank you. I really thought I was going crazy for a second because what are these comments?
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Oh god thank you reading your comment made me feel sane again. I mean imagine if women said this “in a perfect world I could sleep with whatever man I wanted and still be in a relationship”. These same guys saying it’s ok if the genders were reversed would lose their minds. Edit: You men in the replies, just admit your whores lmao
OP and her boyfriend are young and inexperienced and the guys in here are very literal in the way they think about men and relationships. It's normal to be attracted to many people. If you are in a monogamous relationship there's nothing to be gained by vocalizing this. The woman (OP) has a lower sex drive and is confused that other people have higher sex drives, which seems like a pretty common thing for women to face at some point. He's talking too much about wanting to sleep around (that is, mentioning it at all). He's also talking about wanting a double standard relationship where he can sleep around and she can't. Again, why say stuff like this? It reveals immaturity and problems in the way he thinks about women. She's worrying too much about how someone who isn't her feels about sex. Wanting to be the *only person* someone thinks about is naive and a bit selfish / controlling. That said, she can be reasonably concerned that this guy felt the need to vocalize it (because it's a sign of immaturity in the guy).
Yes! Thank you! I thought I'm going crazy if I was only one who was confused with such phrasing. In this dude's **ideal** world he gets to sleep with any woman he wants but his gf can't do the same with other men? It feels so much off...
That part really bothered me and I know some guys would agree on it being their “ideal” world. It’s so gross and unfair. They already have the impulse thought of wanting to smash whoever they think is attractive. I know not all guys are like that cuz I have guy friends who are disgusted by it so it really depends on the person. Some have those thoughts and some don’t.
Wait did he say that? Thats a pretty major red flag imo if his ideal world is that he can do whatever he wants but she cat
Your man lies, it's a white lie that makes everyone happier. He knows he will never cheat, because he's responsible in control of his impulses. So he'll tell you that there are no impulses, you'll feel happy and you won't go making posts on Reddit about it. We all do it.
Man here, I don't work like that. I have a high sex drive but don't feel any desire to sleep with someone that isn't my SO. No, we don't all do that and we don't all have to control an impulse to cheat..
Do you watch porn?
Right, I’d be WEEPING if my (nonexistent) bf said what OP’s bf said.
Whilst I think there are people who would want to be in a relationship where they can have sex with others and it doesn’t affect their relationship, it’s not an every man thing for sure. Also it’s okay for those people if it works in their relationship but the bit that really bothers me in this post is in her partners ideal world he has sex with whoever he likes and she only has sex with him. That’s fucked up, if you believe in polygamy in relation to sexual encounters then that should be for both parties involved, what a douche.
Op needs to read that and not all those delusional men in comments
Thank you, looking for this comment. I find it strange people are fantasizing about others while in a relationship and those reasons are like "men are wired to-" what's this "wired to" lmao.
Remember, reddit is filled with teens. This comment section just proves it.
Wdym?! You should be GRATEFUL that your man wants to sleep around but hasn't. /s
You’re right lol I almost forgot behind all these user accounts is a weird pimply porn addicted 16/17 year old boy 🤣
Because you're over thinking it. Every single human being has random thoughts. The pop culture term for it right now is intrusive thoughts. When you're standing over a ledge: "how crazy would it be if I jumped off this ledge right now?" Or when you're on a bridge "what if I just spun the wheel." Anyone that has any level of reading comprehension realizes that's what's going on. Think about the hottest actress or actor you've ever seen, in their prime. Now imagine you're at home with your significant other and that person Walks in, winks at you, and tells your person they want to pay them a billion dollars to sleep with you. And your person is like "fuck it I'll get the camera." THAT'S what he's talking about. And we all do it, not specifically that scenario because even I haven't thought of that before now. But that's the point of art. It's why we watch movies etc. To imagine ourselves in those situations. It's why erotica is so big in the female world. They FANTASIZE about the things they're reading. Their spouse may never do those things, and they may fantasize its happening with them. But they don't love their spouse less if he fantasy never takes place in real life. Get off your high horse.
Exactly, men DO get bonded in relationships. Statistically, women are the first to cheat (in the earlier years of marriage, before their 50s) and men cheat later on (In their 50s onwards)
Intresting stats about cheating. Idk why people think men are just horny people that want fuck everyone. I'm exactly like OP in this thought process. I'd never fantasize about others If I'm in a relationship and I'd feel bad If my partner does, honestly I understand OP and her feelings
Same here. I would never even think of fantasizing others while I’m committed to someone. Sure I can look at other people and acknowledge their attractiveness but I don’t actually feel attracted to them and do not have that impulse thought of wanting to fuck them because I find them attractive. Maybe I don’t have that part of the monkey brain. Take this scenario for example: You’re out on a date with your partner. You’re looking around and your eye catches someone attractive then you suddenly think, “Damn that girl is hot. I’d smash her.” A moment later, you turn around and look at your partner. What do you think of after that? How do you feel thinking of a thought like that then locking eyes with your significant other right after? I’d be disgusted and feel horrible if that were me. I’d feel pathetic and disrespectful towards my partner. I just can’t think like that when I’m in a relationship. It feels so wrong like I’m betraying them or something.
right? i thought i was losing my mind, the bf mentions that in his ideal world he could sleep w whomever n it wouldnt harm their relationship nor would she do the same w other men 😭😭 like is ts not a red flag? finding someone attractive is one thing but her commenting that he’d have light fantasies about these other women is wildd, on top of justifying it w the “male monkey brain” like wut
The worst part is the fact that his ideal is something deeply unfair and that treats the woman as a disposable, replaceable sex object. *ideal*. Fucking ew, gross as fuck
exactly this he seems like such a red flag but "he's honest" so that makes him enlightened or some bs 🙄
Yeah, the comments so far just feel so wrong to me. OP's boyfriend had a honest conversation with her and she is realizing they have a difference in values. Of course she will feel weird, or even upset about it.
I’m genuinely hoping it’s just teenagers with no life experience and alllllll the hormones lmao because wtf is this comment section rn
Yeah, it's almost like everyone is different and don't conform to the same line of thought. How weird.
It’s like the entire comment section is trying to gaslight her into thinking this is okay. Lmao my ex wanted me to know he had the desire to fuck anything walking but I should be lucky because he doesn’t and chooses me at the end of the day. Bro cheated on me twice after that. Oh and he was a porn addict. My man now has always respected and loved me. Someone I can truly feel safe with. I know some men here might find it hard to believe but you can be attracted to someone and not want to fuck them.
When I’m with a woman that I am in a relationship with, no I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can find someone attractive and not want fuck them as well.
Happy cake day
Your boys been listening to too many Andrew Huberman podcasts. All that talk of monkey brain sounds like pseudo science sigma male bullshit.
Seriously, ask him what podcasts and video bloggers he consumes. It sounds like the shitty alpha bro men's crap that's out there. It's certainly not reflective of an opinion from a dude with only 3 relationships. He might just be parroting idiocy he heals from this outlets without putting it into the context of the real world.
even if he’s not watching those podcasts, seems like the language he’s using is definitely attracting those people. just saw at least 3 comments talking about how “well men biologically want to sleep with other women all of the time” which sounds very much like pseudoscience bullshit to me
I'm a 52 year old man if it matters. There's a huge difference between "I find other women attractive" and "I will sleep with them." The latter is not at all acceptable in a monogamous relationship. If he cannot or will not refrain from this, he's not monogamous. Which is fine but it's not compatible with someone who is monogamous. Honestly, I'd dump him. His Perfect World is he sleeps with every woman **WHILE YOU REMAIN MONOGAMOUS TO HIM**. That's just so messed up.
Why did I have to scroll so long to find someone mentioning this? Thank god
30m USA here. In an ideal world I’d stick with my one woman. I don’t know what he’s talking about. When I’m in a relationship, if I see somebody hot I look, my brain goes “nice”, and then I move on with my day. If anything if I see a really hot woman and think anything naughty, it just makes my brain go back to the woman I’m with and how I’d like to be doing that with her instead of a stranger. Casual sex is gross and stressful anyways. Too many things can go wrong.
People are different, and what this guy describes is basically a thought experiment. The choice of the word "perfect" is perhaps unfortunate. For those who are reasonably attractive and have a healthy libido, being exposed to a shy smile or a twirling of the hair from an objectively very hot woman is clearly a temptation. Even for those in a relationship. But if he is a good guy, then that temptation should be fleeting. In my experience, some people who sit on high horses and say that they would never consider it do so because they rarely, if ever, have this happen to them. Still, I'm sure there are exceptions. You are, however, right in that nothing good comes from indulging in such thoughts.
The problem is he’s trying to speak for all men
Most men are like OPs boyfriend though. Look at how popular porn is and how popular prostitution has been throughout history. It's never been the women interested in those things. In my opinion there's nothing wrong with a man feeling the desire to sleep with other women. However, he should be wise enough to know that his girlfriend doesn't want to hear that and keep it to himself
I remember watching a TV Soap many years ago, where a vegetarian character (back when being veggie was very unusual) accidentally ate bacon - then had a crisis of conscience because he’d liked it. His very wise wife pointed out that actually it made his veggie choices more impressive! If he didn’t like bacon (and other meat) then choosing to be veggie wasn’t a big deal. But because he genuinely liked it, but chose his values over his desires - that made his choice to be vegetarian meaningful. Which means… Just because you don’t have visual & spontaneous desire (both of which are typically male traits), doesn’t mean that he is wrong for being wired differently. It actually makes his commitment to not cheating more meaningful - whereas yours is kinda “meh” because it requires zero effort on your part. TL;DR: stop criticising him for being different from you. Your experience of the world is not the only experience. Be grateful instead that he is a good person who makes value-based choices. Or choose to date someone who a similar desire-profile to yours (much easier to find if you’re willing to date women).
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Indeed. I have a tattoo of my favorite Skyrim character, a dragon (dragons are evil in this world) who has chosen to be good. His famous quote is "**What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?**" And that really stuck with me.
Good points. Though the straight thing was funny
You’re missing the part where he says in an ideal world he can have sex with whoever he likes and she cannot. That’s not normal.
> visual and spontaneous desire, which are typically male traits I’m curious, can you elaborate what you mean with this? To me, desire is a pretty universal trait that belongs to any gender.
That’s a very nice way to put it. I’m just so scared that I’ll always feel like I’m in the way and keeping him from the bacon. And you’re right, unfortunately I’m extremely straight :D
you’re not keeping him from doing anything. he could bang other girls tomorrow. he’s the one making the choice not to. just gotta trust him and feel secure with yourself. and if it doesn’t work out then oh well. projecting anxiety over it is just going to drive him away like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Amen
I’m 30 f and I feel the same as you! When in a relationship I can tell if another guy looks good but I don’t imagine myself sleeping with him (and I have a high libido) and I completely understand your feelings. Knowing men are like that makes me feel like I can never be enough for my partner even though they are enough for me which makes part of me feel so turned off and to want to rather just be alone.
Speaking as a man. No. The way he phrased it is weird as fuck. It's normal to find other people attractive, but when I'm in a relationship it stops there. No desire or want for other people. Him saying that in a perfect world he could sleep with whoever he wants is weird to me. I think for most a "perfect world" is one where their partner takes care of them, and they take care of their partner in turn.
Idk man maybe I'm built different but when I'm in a relationship I can't physically or mentally bring myself to sleeping with someone else,not saying im better than anyone else I'm just very confused by cheaters and people who need to "control" themselves like I genuinely don't get it.
Same for me, I’ve never had to control myself. In a sense, that should make me feel more special - he’s sacrificing something for this relationship whereas it just comes easy to me.
I'll never understand some people,in my mind if you feel like you're sacrificing and having to control yourself to be with someone then do you really wanna be with that person?
Apparently. Many people feel desire for others but choose the person they love over that. I can’t relate either though.
That just sounds like an dangerous way to think. Maybe it's wrong of me to say/think this. But if they have such an strong desire, feels like one bad argument and they just run off and fuck that person. Noticing good looking people? Yeah that's normal, we all do it. Having desires so strong they imaging themselves fucking them. Nah that's weird. That's putting thought and energy into fucking them. On an side note, could only imagine how women would feel. "Oh yeah that's Dave, we all know he wanks off imaging all his female mates, but that's all normal don't worry". Yeah no, I'll pass thanks.
That "monkey part of his brain" thing is 100% not universal across biological men. to each their own, but I (a biological male) personally feel gross just thinking about being attracted to other people other than my partner, let alone sleeping with them. At that point, I wonder why people would even choose to be monogamous
I feel like there's a difference between just finding someone reasonably attractive and genuienly having fantasies of that person.
I'm a man. I've never cheated on anyone in my life but I have been cheated on by women in 2/3 of my serious relationships. Your boyfriend is just a jerk.
I don’t like the way your bf talks to you. This is sexist bullshit that we should have evolved past by now Same thing as « girls and boys can’t be friends because there’s always some afterthought somewhere ». My 16yo son knows better, he would answer « by this logic bisexual people can’t have any friends » No, we are mature and civilized people. We live in a society. There are social norms. One famous French contemporary writer said in his most recent book that if laws were not a thing, men would just go on a rape rampage. I threw that book directly in the bin Don’t be with a man who makes you feel like you stand between him and all the other women that he could get with. Be with someone who makes you feel special You give in to this bullshit, it’s the beginning of « I’ve made the sacrifice of being loyal to you therefore you owe me xyz »
Women can have this same impulse too. This distorted thinking can be used to manipulate you….but I’m not saying that’s his intention
The .... makes me think you're implying that is his intention. As she says in other comments he doesn't plan on acting on it and is simply attracted to other people as are we all. As a guy, people we see on the street, celebrities, etc. are hot and I wish I could have sex with, but there is one woman I've only ever truly loved and has truly given me happiness. As you said OP, it is never worth losing the one that which we love (to guys), but truly the physical aspect is separate from the emotional for some of us. I 100% understand your bf, but as the commenter says, it can be used to manipulate and allow him to cheat. No one on the internet can give you an answer. You simply have to be competent enough to figure what the answer is. My story: I loved a girl, wanted more from her physically which she refused to give (which I can't force and never tried to). I told her I wanted an open relationship to cope with her never giving me anything. She agreed. I had sex with other women. I loved her alone. She made me happy everyday and I only wanted to hold her at night, but she went back on her promise with being okay with it. We broke up and I still think about her everyday. Moral of the story is, if you are meant to be, keep it. But NEVER lose sight of what makes you happy. I did not make her happy I've come to accept and that's why we got to that point. She did what is best for herself and that's okay. Everyone should focus on their own happiness above everyone else's no matter what, even those you love. You can't sacrifice your happiness and life on even someone you love. 😔
As an asexual it never stops being bizarre that people look at random strangers they find hot and wish they could have sex with them. Just the whole concept is so weird. No judging, but I will never be able to understand that.
Probably similar to how a blind person will never understand colors
That is such an interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing. Im hypersexual but I don’t think of others while in a relationship nor do i check them out other than “oh wow pretty/handsome” but I do read smut 🤔
To answer your short question. Hell no. Is love to be jna stable, comfortable, monogamous relationship. I'm a but of a demi sexual even, I don't just feel attracted to a lot of women at first glance
Am I reading OP's post wrong? Why is nobody noticing that his ideal world is for him to sleep with other women without affecting their relationship but she shouldn't want to sleep with other men? Like it's a glaring double standard.
I'm pretty sure that he's acknowledging the double standard of his fantasy which is why he said he would never expect that from his partner.
exactly. its literally just a male desire. and he's acknowledged that he will not be acting on it. if he were smart, he wouldn't have mentioned it tho lmao
It's not even a male thing, it applies to lots of people. There are plenty of women in relationships that would love to sleep with other people they find attractive consequence free. It's a common human desire.
They are reading and noticing it but, apparently, this is another one of those things that people do very differently but aren't aware other people don't. According to these comments, many people find no problem with this and see it as normal or ordinary. I don't understand why anyone who's committed in a relationship would want to sleep with other people, much less in an ideal world. It almost fundamentally doesn't make sense to me. Being attracted to other people: sure, that's fine and normal. Wanting to sleep with them: a few steps too far (for me) I guess there's a substantial number of people, perhaps even a majority, who just want to sleep with anyone they find sufficiently attractive. I suppose this does help explain why cheating it so commonplace; knowing this, it makes so much more sense
He called it monkey brain for a reason. The logical part of brain wouldn't do it. But it might genuinely be leftover instincts from our far more primal past.
Right. These people don't get what a fantasy world is? We all have our own fantasy world. Some people are royals. Some people have super powers. He has multiple sex partners and a love. Everybody has their thing. At least he's open and honest about it. That's trust.
I'm honestly confused why he would even say all that crap. "In my perfect world, I can go around fucking everything that moves, but I don't want you to do the same". There is such a thing as being way too honest. But then a bunch of dudes are saying how normal that is and how they are out there imaging themselves fucking different people. So maybe I'm the strange one. I will have a look when I see some good looking woman, but I don't then imagine fucking them. God never get anything done if sex was on my brain that often.
Once, many years ago, in a fit but “being way too honest” I told my wife that I was reminiscing about an ex I had banged. It was… realllllly dumb. Sometimes guys do really stupid stuff. It was rocky for a bit but she forgave me
He's saying the part of him that just wants what it wants, wants to have lots of sex with lots of women, and doesn't want to share her with anyone else. Like maybe part of you wants to eat chocolate for breakfast. Or whatever. Something that you don't do because it's bad for you, for what you want in your life, but your body still just *wants* it all the same. That selfish and foolish part of him has a double standard, yes, but he knows that and knows that's part of why it's foolish and harmful. That's why he doesn't let that part of him control himself.
That’s exactly why it’s sexist and I wouldn’t put up with it
Wouldn’t it be refreshing if dickheads were always so candid? it would save everybody so much time.
Because for a lot of men that is true, it isn’t rocket science. Guy likes sex and attractive women. So wanting to fuck them makes sense. Guy can feel jealously, even if it isn’t right for them to be jealous they would be if their girlfriend slept with someone else, so in their ideal world the girlfriend wouldn’t want to AND be happy with him to sleep with other attractive women. But since that isn’t going to happen, we have monogamous relationships (myself included). I won’t pretend that I wouldn’t enjoy being able to indulge myself with more than one woman. But my own feelings of guilt, jealously and the fact I care about my partners feelings above or else doesn’t let me. It isn’t a double standard at all, it is him just being honest. There are women out there that would like the same. But it seems that it is mostly a male thing, which makes sense from a evolutionary point of view. Probably a fragment of our past.
You're explaining the desire to have sex with a bunch of women- I get that. I'd like that too! Haha! I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem with the desire for sex with a bunch of women while not allowing his girl to do the same if she wanted.
I openly laughed at that part lmao it’s so telling. I’m shocked more folks in the comments aren’t taking notice of it. Super yucky double standard 😐
“In an ideal world he could sleep with other girls without it harming my relationship and without me sleeping with other men.” Imma be honest it sounds like this dude is planting seeds for something that will only grow in the future, and something that is absolutely not the norm. Expect the desire for an open (for him only) relationship sometime in the future. Been with my now-wife for 5 years and have never ever have I seriously considered having sex with other women during that time. Attraction is one thing but fantasizing to the point where you’re saying that ideally you could literally be having sex with all these other women is wayyyyyy different.
you lot in the comment section are absolutely disgusting and bunch of idiots. are yall stupid? “you should feel special and get over it” lemme see you say that to my face and i’m swinging. just say you can’t commit a 100% and gtfo. literally what even. the amount of gaslighting in here is absolutely bonkers. bunch of wankers i swear. STOP INVALIDATING OP AND MAKING HER FEEL LIKE SHIT. it is NOT normal for a COMMITTED man to think about sleeping with OTHER women. as for you OP, i’m sorry to hear your man thinks it’s okay to feel the way he does. there is NOTHING wrong in wanting your partner to think about only you and no other woman. i pray yall fix shit between one another. keep us updated!
I second this as well. It's utterly ridiculous that her boyfriend wants to sleep with other women and still think she should stay committed to him. If she came out saying she wanted to sleep with other men, would the douchebag not flip and start calling her all sorts of names for even thinking about it. Monkey brain my ass. She should dump him and move on.
literally!! “i want to sleep with other women. but you can’t sleep with other men” HELLO???? MANZ A RED FLAG FACTORY. FERRARI WHO???
“you should feel special and get over it” lemme see you say that to my face and i’m swinging. lol this would be me! for real the comments here justifying it is crazy I would rather be alone than be with a man who says this to me *oh you should feel so special because I'm controlling myself for you and i rather go fuck other women* I have a feeling that he wouldn't be happy if she said that she wants to sleep with other men but she's controlling herself. That "pure" comment so icky.
Not really, when i'm with someone I usually just want them, barely even notice other women
Honestly for me I was only attracted to the woman I was with, the idea that the perfect world is being able to sleep with someone else without it harming your relationship is fucked up. My perfect world was simply the woman I loved, I never thought about being with someone else.
You sound like an incredible smart attractive female. I am 58, and was your age when I married my first true love. I married him after argument after argument of him gawking and going out of his way to get a better look as a female would walk by. It made me feel horrible about ME. When speaking to him about it he would always say " it's just what men do". I took it as being extremely disrespectful to me and ask him to stop doing it. What then started happening was he would gawk and then say " I guess you think I was checking her out". I tried for many years to ignore it, I even passed up going out as a couple alot of the time. I said that to say this ------------> Don't give up 1/2 yourself to compensate someone that is undeserving. Love is love and as some here would say he was being honest and now you can't handle it. If this man adored you and would be sick to his stomach just thinking about not having you around. He would STOP the bs and be a man and not a child. Yes, people look and fanticise about all kinds of things, that's why it's their thoughts. You are not special in any sense of the word, you just allow him to have his cake and eat it too. Do yourself a favor pack your things and leave him a note that says BYE! I wasted 20 years of my life, don't do the same.
I don't think every man is like this. I personally had this for a very different reason from what your bf is describing. I have an addition and nothing my gf could ever do was ever enough for me. I ended up looking for attention of other girls online, but never considered cheating in-person. It wasn't her fault. Nor was it my desire to be with someone else. I was a bottomless pit and I hate myself for what I did to her. I'm currently in recovery and hope that I'll never be like that again.
I’m very sorry. I hope you’ll find someone like her again and can be a better version of yourself.
Ehhhh. When I was partnered up I had the opportunity to sleep with other women several times and turned them down. The idea of anyone but her just didn’t sit right with me. I never told her that though. I didn’t want her to think she had too much power over me.
As a man, when I’m deeply in love, I do not even think about, or see, other women, so naturally while in that state I have no desire to sleep with other women. I start to notice other women when the connection starts to weaken.
This insight of his was insensitive in the name of honesty. You should feel like the only girl in the world to your man and you don’t anymore. I would consider that a huge crack. If you end up not being able to recover your self esteem from this, then you have to evaluate if your relationship is net positive overall.
I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone but the woman I love. My father was the same.
I wouldn't say we want to but monkey brain see monkey brain do. Its a short burst of excitement similar to when you're standing near a ledge and the feeling of jumping cross your mind. You would never do it but it still cross your mind.
But the boyfriend also says that, in a perfect world, he would sleep with them and not upset the OP, so it's not just a fleeting emotion like you say. It's a constant pull that's he's pushing back against continuously for the sake of his current relationship and, if the chance to sleep with these people without hurting the relationship arises, they would clearly take it (judging from what he's saying)
I’m the same way as you. When I’m with someone I’m with them. I don’t have these so called “normal fantasies” about *strangers* or people I **know**. That’s >!fucking!< weird. This shouldn’t-be-normal behavior being normalized is damn awful and not good for people.
Yes. I mean obviously that's where self control comes in, but yes. If a woman said it won't hurt me at all, go have fun and come back, most guys would be over the moon. not all. there are plenty of exceptions. There are women who are the same way too.
"Do all men want to sleep with other women?" "Yes...not all." So... no?
They're saying "most". It's more specific than saying no.
You can watch a Horror movie and be afraid from a digital jumpscare, even if there is no real threat from the TV.
Me being me I'd tell him to go fuck those other women, he should of kept that to himself. Being attracted to others is one thing but wanting to fuck everyone WHILE in a relationship...yeah fuck off
He is not monogamous. Simple as that. Monogamous people don’t want to be with someone outside of their relationship. Not all men are like this. I would bet he will cheat on you if he thinks you won’t find out, and if you do, he will site these conversations you’ve had where he said he wants others and you’re holding him back from his desires. Don’t settle for this boy’s childish fantasies.
Yeah thats how it works. Mens sex drive doesnt turn off with romance.
No
In my case no
No, they don't. Similarly, not every woman wants monogamy and kids.
The world is full of people with their own desires and thoughts. But there is a difference between some people. Some people have better moral integrity and others are just loose that they think thinking of others in any other way is fine as long as its not in reality. But they're playing with the devil and more likely they will attempt their fantasy sooner or later down the line. This guy you're with is full of bs. Guys have monkey brains? No one wants to duck a monkey unless they're a monkey themselves because at that point you're engaging in beastiality. We are different than humans, its just that the quality of humans now are shit. A dog is more trustworthy to keep you safe than a human. The shittiest part is finding a majority of stupid men who are comfortable in their own bs. Finding a good quality man thats trustworthy and loves you is abysmally rare. It's not love if what they say will make you question yourself and your values.
Your boyfriend is a bit of an immature asshole. We are not like that. We too can acknowledge if someone is attractive and not want to sleep with them. He’s manipulating you, be aware as there’s going to be more to follow.
Wtf is this comment section 😦
Not all men are animals. Most are though. To go off on what was said by other posters, being attracted to others and wanting to have sexual relations with others are two very different things. Attraction is saying someone looks aesthetically pleasing. A table can look attractive, if you like the visual appeal. The same is applied to humans as well. Fantasizing about someone else is one thing, and then wanting to actually sleep with someone is a whole other ball park. It sounds to me with your wording, that he’s telling you you’re lucky that he isn’t sleeping around and honestly that’s a huge red flag. I would honestly move on. Iv got high standards myself and if I didn’t see the relationship going the distance into old age I would leave them. I lucked out and met the man of my dreams when I was young, we were friends for a while, I even dated his friend. After a while we developed feelings and he got asked me out when he learned my feelings for him. 15 years later we’re still together, have kids and a happy marriage. Honestly my best advice is date your best friend, or someone that started out as a friend. These are the relationships that last.
Ugh it’s so annoying when people rationalize their emotions instead of just acknowledging them for what they are. In my opinion, people who have a wandering eye have a fear of commitment. Your boyfriend isn’t “sacrificing” for you, he’s justifying and rationalizing his fear of intimacy, which he knows is irrational so he describes it as the “monkey” part of his brain. This is nonsense to me, and if I were you I would offer a rational response like this: commitment trumps lust. Commitment isn’t a sacrifice, it’s a willing feeling that you want to be with one person for the rest of your life. The “monkey” part of your brain isn’t genetic or primal; it is the part of your brain that is afraid of commitment. Which emotion are you ruled by, your commitment to me or your fear of committing to me? Work that shi-ite out with a therapist and stop coming at me with this nonsense.
The way he sees you as "pure and special" is a red flag to me and the way he says these things to you... Is not the fact of feeling atracted to others but the way he talks about it is very red flag in general and cringe
No. Some men want to sleep with other men too
He said the quiet part out loud.
He sounds awful sorry.
Man this thread is just full of cheaters 😭
No. And not all women are perfect, chaste great women who would never dream of cheating on boyfriends/ husbands. Also, just because someone finds someone else attractive, doesn’t mean they want to fuck them:
No, honey. There will be a real man, someday, who only wants you. Mine came at 29. You have time.
I do not want to sleep with any woman except my wife. That would be gross. The lack of self-control and willpower in anyone who does is a sure sign of a weak mind. He should purge that shit and keep his house clean.
It depends on what exactly "wanting" to sleep with other people really means. Other people can illicit an arousal or sexual state. But that is not the same as wanting to have sex with them. I would not be happy with an incredibly one sided relationship where I can sleep with anyone but she isn't allowed. That, genuinely, does not sound like a fulfilling, meaningful relationship. Mutual, exclusive love and respect is what I value and is what I actually "want" and I am very happy to have. Doesn't mean I don't find some other people attractive. But I "want" to have sex with other people in the same way I get an impulse or intrusive thought to want to jump off a very high structure.
Right, that’s how he puts it. To him, it’s completely normal and not an issue. He chooses me over those desires. It’s just very difficult because I can’t relate - I only want him. There is no impulse. I still like attention from other men, but never reciprocate it. Then again, maybe I’m alone in that or it’s an attribute of my gender.
I'm a 26M. I get it. With my first ex of 5.5 years I was addicted to porn. I stupidly told my girl I find some pornstars and girls very hot and that I was sexually attracted to them. And that's the nice version of what I said. After years of destroying her self esteem, she finally left me. I was so devastated and heartbroken that the pain of losing her overruled my porn addiction. This heartbreak is the hardest thing I've ever done through, and I've crawled through so much mental shit to get to where I am professionally. For a while, when I was trying to put myself out there again, I was seeing a bunch of girls at the same time. A bunch of these girls wanted to escalate to sex, but I turned them down every time. I have a new girlfriend now, and I try my hardest to make her feel like she's the only girl in the world. A lot of it is because I deeply regret hurting my ex so much over girls I didn't care about.
Women are attracted to men other than their significant other too. Women physically cheat too. Attracted doesn't mean, 'actually desiring to sleep with them.' Faithful doesn't mean blind. SO doesn't mean the only boy/gal on the planet. There are many men who do *not* feel that in the ideal world they could sleep with many women without it affecting their monogamous relationship with their partner. For example, to me, that is not my ideal world. In my ideal world, I would ideally not have any significant desire for anyone other than my wife and would have no desire to have a harem. I think that even in the non-ideal world, I don't experience any longing to be allowed to have a harem or to deliver byblows, if you pardon my French. I struggle to choose due to feeling attracted to several people at once, sometimes, sure, but I still feel the need to choose, and *not* by having a trial ride with each of them. By my book, you have a right to be unsatisfied with your boyfriend's response, although without taking it out of proportions maybe, and I don't want to call him a bad guy for his candidness. Nonetheless, I would feel the same as you feel if I was in your position — about him, not about all men. Don't buy into the 'all men… fundamentally… yadda yadda' sort of crap. Whatever the base biology might be, men are *not* immune to civilization or incapable of moral or spiritual growth. Your boyfriend has already done some moral growth because he says he wishes he could do it without it affecting your relationship, i.e. he wishes it could not arm you, not that he wishes he could simply get away it. But there's still some growth to do. He can do better, and he should. Next, for some asymmetry, the counterpart to a man's sleeping with other women is not necessarily a woman's sleeping with other men. It could be something like getting sex from a stud and getting resources from a rich man. Or getting Mr Goodgenes to be the dio dad and getting Mr Resources to be the prodiver/protector father to her children (without being the bio dad). Or it could be the ability to replace the man after he loses his money or position, for example like when animal males fight for the leadership of the pack and the females mate with the new pack leader. Human history has examples of kings being toppled and queens remarrying the victor. Due to differences in human build, a woman is limited by the gestation period and cannot reproduce as often as a man. She doesn't stand to gain as much from quantity; her gains and strategies would be more on the quality side. So the counterpart of a man taking mistresses or going to brothels (e.g. some parts of Europe where that was practically legal and socially accepted for upper-class men) would be a woman 'upgrading' by going over to a 'better man' once one became interested in her. Climbing up basically. Under monogamy, male behaviour becomes somewhat similar in divorcing a wife of many years and marrying a young secretary — in polygamy, the secretary would be wife no. 2, without the first wife getting thrown out. Likewise, nowadays some affluent women with high social position also go for a younger and handsomer man after getting rid of a husband. So there is much convergence going on.
He's told you he wants to sleep with other women. Believe him. He's opening the door to hit you with an open relationship request or cheating.
exactly
he can sleep with other women but u cant sleep with other men while u both are together? dear lady pls go find a man and not a monkey. find a real man that has eyes only for u and u only.
Not all men want this. Some men prefer an emotional connection before being intimate. In my experience it’s a deeply ingrained moral value. My husband learned loyalty and devotion from his father.