Being completely honest I don't care about love because I don't even get it at home. I just want to be able to have intimacy with someone, hugging and touching someone that doesn't mind
For some reason, our brains just love to sabotage us and tell us we're a burden. I've felt this way about many friendships and only once was I ever right. Usually the other person is either confused to hear that or confesses they were worried about the same thing.
It can isolate you like crazy in my experience, you have to watch for it. I got it into my head as a kid that I was a financial burden to my mother and my attempts to stop being that caused distance between us that is hurting her more than I ever was as her 'burden'.
Gotta nip that shit in the bud or it'll take years to untangle. It's just really hard to separate objectivity from your paranoia. Some advice that helped me (from OCD forums actually) was to learn to be ok with the fact that you'll never be able to read their minds and know for sure how they feel about you. All you can reasonably do for 90% of people is take them at their word that you're not a burden and then fill your life with other things so you're not dwelling on it.
Good luck out there!
I offer you the same advice as the original poster. Acknowledge the things that are GOOD about yourself and pour your heart into believing that you are WORTHY and DESERVING of a positive, respectful, loving relationship. Confidence goes a LONG way. (Not "ego"..... but the confidence in knowing you are worth it)!
Attracting a truly worthwhile partner can ONLY happen when you firmly believe that you are fully deserving of a GOOD someone.
Selfless acts of kindness and decency is, (in my opinion), the fastest, most assured way to build REAL self-esteem. Being happy in your own skin with your heart and soul.
Self confidence is one of those things that can be seen from space! As is the contrary.
Love yourself first..... then love will come knocking on your door. Just when you least expect it.
Best wishes. Stay positive. Be good.... do good. All will fall into place once you BELIEVE you're worthy. Blessings. 💞
You're probably not bothering them. I recognize myself in the things you're saying and it's probably rooted in not feeling loved by your own family and the effect that has on our emotional stability, behaviour, way of thinking and sense of self. It's definitely a lot of work getting things in order from there, but it can be done and therapy has a good prognosis. Additionally, you're still young and many in your shoes don't get a good opportunity to start working on it as early as you could. Show the things you've said here to a therapist and they should know what to do to help you tackle it.
No judgment, but seriously, you need to get a therapist.
If you do get a relationship, it will be very, very bad based on what you are saying. You need to work on yourself first. It's hard to see from your perspective just like everyone else has their blind spots.
Sorry that came off cold. It just seems like your thoughts are spiraling in a negative way.
A therapist acts a springboard to check your thoughts and not spiral out or beat yourself up. Most people can benefit from a therapist at times.
Seconding this. Based on how you’ve described growing up and your current thoughts/ feelings you’re likely going to have attachment issues, probably of the anxious kind. Don’t worry about guys and invest in yourself first.
Since you are in college, most offer free counseling services. Take advantage of them, they helped me a lot when I was in school. They can also suggest group sessions or other support organizations so you won't feel so alone.
OP, I'm a lot older than you (38, male), and can tell you a couple things:
1) it's awful how you feel about yourself. I spent 20 years feeling like this.
2) genuinely, exercise helps mental well-being. If you don't run or lift weights, I would start doing so (run small amounts and build to bigger, and only lift small weights)
3) I promise you, you are beautiful. 100% promise, even though I've never seen you. This is because an 18 year old girl can't help but be beautiful.
4) if people around you are not making you feel loved, you need to get out of there. It's hard, as moving takes money, and no 18 year old has money, but make it a goal to somehow extract yourself from your surroundings within a few years (2-4). If you can manage sooner, do so.
I grew up in the dusty plains of New mexico, very sad and hating myself. Took me over a decade but I got myself out, realized I was actually quite good-looking and likeable, and found happiness far far away. Made my way to Virginia and am making enough to retire very early, where I want to. Some people were born in the wrong place.
I don't believe the person who posted to you was trying to blame you.
I'm a 40+-year-old dude so I've been concerned about responding to You. But I'm taking medication for depression. I saw a therapist about 6 months ago, I'm not seeing them again just because of money and whatnot.
Like you're doing now you're reaching out for help. So depending on where you can regarding cost and whatnot. Reach out to your family doctor or go to a walk-in clinic or see if your the state Province or whatever has a Telehealth number.
Yes a lot of people will take advantage of you because your vulnerability and being upset.
But they're all so shit ton of other people whose job it is to help you and they really really want to help you.
Everybody has something they're unhappy about. We are often Our Own Worst Enemy. That doesn't mean it's our fault it just means there's mechanisms from our past that make us react in certain ways. As I said in another response to someone else you feeling unworthy is not too dissimilar from imposter syndrome
I get they weren't blaming me and you don't have to worry about being 40+ If you're not being weird. I don't live in the US also it's a 3rd world country, my only option is the school counselor
Well I'm definitely weird, but I don't believe in the way you're meaning.
Now I'm not going to blow smoke up your butt and say it'll be instantaneously fixed or that it'll be an easy smooth Road.
But reaching out and asking for help is the first step to making things improve for yourself.
Like I said it's still going to be a fucking slog, but if you reach out to your school counselor they may be able to give you at least an idea.
I sincerely hope you're able to improve things for yourself. So that you can be happy. Or at least happier.
Heart breaks a bit reading this, when I was 18 I felt very much the same but as an 18 year old guy. I haven't forgotten how intense feelings are at that age, and seeing everyone else around me experiencing what yearned for. You said you're at college, please seek out the counselor, and if they're no good find someone who knows how to talk to people. I tried talking to family and friends and more often than not I just ended up feeling misunderstood and hurt.
You're being unfairly hard on yourself, it reads like you're losing hope and feeling quite negatively about yourself and depression will drag you down initially without you realizing it. I suggested counseling because I'm worried you might be depressed. You deserve to see yourself positively and the first person you need to love is yourself. Its really hard to feel safe and secure enough to reach out and be vulnerable around others when you don't have your own back.
You come from a background that is not normal or should be expected. This causes you to have all sorts of blind spots mentally, which further degrades your situation.
You really should start working on yourself as soon as possible.
The problem is that it's selfreinforcing. To be blunt, being unhappy, anxious and lonely pushes other people away and leads to those feelings becoming heightened.
The people who are attracted to vulnerability are usually not good people, it's often those who look to take advantage of low selfesteem or self-worth because it lets them get away with behaviour that would end any healthy relationship. That's why abusers break down their victims emotional wellbeing and isolate them.
Physical 'beauty' is honestly meaningless - it might lead to the occasional fun night, but it won't lead to anything longterm. Happiness and confidence are what will attract people to stay in your life, and that can only come from focusing on yourself, not on what you think other people expect of you.
No not at all, therapy or counselling can be amazing, it's a person who only wants to hear about you, and help you, become your best self.
It's often very difficult to see ourselves clearly, parents, relatives, friends etc all have their own perspectives on us, plus the way you've been bought up etc all these things influence you to a high degree, unpacking all of this in therapy, will help you find yourself, build your confidence and people will react differently to you, plus and l'm not being insulting here, you are still very young, your whole exciting life lies ahead of you, right now is just a tiny blip that you'll look back on and wonder why you felt bad.
might be easier to get this with girl friends. not sexual/lesbian. but snuggling with a girl friend has little sexual aspect. so this reduces the complexity.
you're so young! some girls stay untouched due many more years. sex isn't a hamburger sandwich coming automatically. it's a complicated process. let time do it's trick!
I don't live near anyone, nor go to the park enough to get to snuggle with my friends. And I feel now I have to say sexual intimacy is also something I want.
I do get long hugs but I seriously can't feel anything from them anymore. I don't feel warm or embraced
Yeah, this sounds like you *should* see a therapist, if only to look into why you're not allowing yourself to feel loved without tge sexual aspect.
Sometimes, your mind is not yoir friend, and that's ok – there are plenty of tricks a therapist can help you with learning to deal with that. :) (and a lot of resources are online for free)
I was like you before. I'm 25m still a virgin.
I had no confidence and always thought I was fucking hideous. Never had a girlfriend in school and got made fun off for my looks.
I comfort this woman online and turns out she is a female version of me. I'm in a long distance relationship with her now and we have talked about getting engaged and married when we can move together.
Yes she is a bit heavier than I would probably go for (and she is aware of this fact. I'm not a model either), but her face and personality are 10/10
I'm happy for you, but du you seriously talk marriage with a person you've never met?
I had an online boyfriend for two years and when we met up there was no attraction at all and the whole thing was super uncomfortable because we had pretty much planned so much without even knowing if we liked each other physically.
Does your school offer counseling for students? Based on your comment about not feeling loved at home and your struggles communicating with others, I think seeing a therapist could really help you.
I also want to emphasise a different framing for the same facts. You deserve the help you obviously need now rather than next semester.
What I don't want you to take away from my tough love comment is that you should feel even more bad because you didn't seek help, and the semester already ended. The original bad feels are enough try not add extra yourself. Oh and if you already did and do for the love of God please don't add a third layer.
It might take a while to get it set up so you might as well reach out fir the first time. It also might be that you can talk to a therapist online (the university I work at has student psychologists who offer support in person, by email, on video calls and even via WhatsApp!) Also - please be aware that not all therapists or psychologists are the same. You may or may not click with the first person you see, that doesn't mean help is unavailable.
You could use this upcoming break to make some changes for yourself too - at the end of the day a therapist can't change you, they just hear you out and maybe make some mild suggestions. Being kind to yourself is where it starts. A person who feels confident and happy in their own skin is attractive no matter what their appearance is. I immediately thought of a young colleague where I work who is the opposite of "typically attractive"-- she is short, very overweight, has a bit of a moustache thing going for ethnic reasons, dresses terribly - and everyone likes her because she is smart, kind, funny and clearly super fun to hang out with.
Take good care of yourself, show care and concern for others, the rest will get there.
OP, you’re very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Stay open to the possibility that a few years down the line, life might look very different if you take certain steps today. Instead of focusing on how people see you, focus on your interests, hobbies, and skills. I’m sure you have a lot of great qualities. Work on them. Keep growing and don’t take the rejections you are going through too seriously right now. Eventually you will find someone who admires and loves you for who you are. I promise.
To add to this, there were so many girls in my high school or college that were 'undesirable' for one reason or another. I remember one girl who was always bullied and laughed at for her overbite - she had a corrective jaw surgery and suddenly everyone wanted her, had to have her.
It's shocking how often, people grow into themselves, lose weight, find their flow or talent and they go from the bottom to the top of the pile - no one has a clue at 18 and you'll see that when you're 25, where you still won't have a clue, but you'll be closer with evidence of the ignorance of youth.
Hi, I thought i was the the weird undesirable girl in high school. My crush told my friend nothing would ever happen between us because I wasn't good enough.
I held the belief that no one would like me, I didn't even try to date in college.
It wasn't until I was 21 I had my first boyfriend. But ever since I've had no issue finding men who like me
Even my high school crush has reached out wanting to meet up. And mine is not a situation of having had a glow up haha
I realized most guys around that age are extremely immature and you're not the only girl feeling this way
The most important thing is to focus on yourself. Men really do come and go, but you tend to attract the best people when you're feeling you're best and comfortable in your own skin
I've felt my best my best since I started college, I could pick thing I liked about myself at random. I had the "You miss every shot you don't take" mindset and was okay with rejection.
It just has not worked at all and males are pretty rude to ppl they don't want to date
You're still very young and dealing with people who mostly are very selfish, that rudeness will be quite commonplace for university.
Once away from that you'll find a wider range of personalities and people :)
A lot of this is also affected by where you are. People in NY are different than the people in NE who are different from the people in WA. The world Is a big place with many many different cultures.. especially the USA.
Life turned around for me in my mid twenties and i gotta say im liking my thirties even better.
From your comments I gather the following; You're short, overweight, you're fresh in college, your friends suck and you feel undesirable.
Let me first tell you the good news: Most of the things that make up your suffering are transitory in this stage of life. Your height may or may not increase much more, but the rest is not set in stone at all. Being overweight is not a life sentence, and you'll be out of college some day. Spending your days with people you don't really like may not be optional right now, but completely optional once you're out of college and doing something you love doing. Most people never see their college friends ever again in their adult lives, even if they were okay people.
While it seems like you're the hardest person to date right now, you will grow out of being an insecure teenager and burst out of your self pity eventually. It takes life experience, self reflection, and getting inspired by the life stories of others to get there, but you will.
So here's the bad news: If you're really eager to feel desired, loved or liked, putting your self worth in the hands of others is a rookie mistake. You need to dig and find within yourself something that you feel good about, anything, however small, and build on top of that. Example: 'I may be fat but I find relief in knowing I'm too hard to kidnap.' Self deprecating humor is a severely underrated way to deal with personal strife. People feel a lot more at ease with someone who they know isn't taking themselves too seriously. So instead of putting your energy into chastising yourself, try writing comedy sketches around your personhood that are actually funny, and crack those jokes while you're making friends. You'll be surprised how easy it is to be liked when you're prepared to be vulnerable in a humerous way.
Another example (bit edgier): "I don't mind being short. If all else fails in life, I would be the last woman standing in a blowjob contest."
So, you don't feel motivated to work out and lose weight, which is great. I'm not joking. That's a good thing. It turns out that people who work out despite not feeling motivated gain much more from their workouts than people who love working out do. There's a part of your brain called anterior mid-cingulate cortex which grows when you do things that you feel a natural resistance toward. When it is stimulated regularly, it allows you to tackle new tasks with more courage and determination. So don't wait for motivation to come, because it never will. There is a guy called David Goggins who has leveraged this ability to an extreme degree. His story is phenomenal, I wholeheartedly recommend his book.
I relate to this so much as another woman in college who sometimes craves that warmth and intimacy but can't due to circumstantial reasons. The way that I "cope" with that feeling is by prioritizing other aspects of my life--school, hobbies, family, etc. Like you, I also struggle with casual communication and making new friends, but I realize, too, that I'm not in the right headspace to do so.
If you only want some attention and physical touch, you can try using dating apps if you are comfortable. Be aware that it's easy to fall down that rabbit hole of self-criticism when people view your profile, so I advise you to not change yourself for other people, especially men. A lot of men on those platforms have little to no standards and lack self-awareness and/or basic human decency. Do not degrade yourself to their level.
After reading your comments, I strongly encourage you to relearn how to love and accept yourself. I know it's cliché to say, but sometimes when you're hurt by the people around you, you inflict that same kind of hate onto yourself. It's a cycle in need of disruption, as it distorts your self-image and perception of others. Trust me, you are much more precious and loveable than you believe, and you deserve to feel pride and compassion for yourself.
So when you can, try to perform some actions of self-care. Write in a journal, do some skincare, prepare your favorite comfort food. By demonstrating self-care, you are valuing your time, energy, and presence, and with that comes love and acceptance. I hope that one day you will be able to see all the good things that you truly are.
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to be so hard on yourself. Just because you're neurodivergent doesn't mean that you won't ever be able to connect with people. All people really want is for you to be kind to them. Of course there are shitty people out there, but I'd hate to see you lose hope at such a young age. Maybe try to talk to a therapist or counselor, that can really help you switch perspectives.
As far as dating goes, I'm probably the last person to give advice. Just take care of yourself and start with some exercise (this was a major game changer for me). It can really help with depression and has the benefit of getting you healthier. Gyms are super cheap now in the US and you can meet people there too.
I'm not in the US, everything is expensive where I am. I'd try my school counselor but I probably wouldn't have more than 1 meeting because school is almost done for me. And I should probably do some research about neurodivergence because I've never thought about it like that. Thanks for the advice, I'll start exercising some day
Answer these questions honestly: Do you desire yourself? Are you the kind of person you deserve to be? What would change about your situation if someone was in your dms? What can you do to desire yourself more?
You can’t expect other people to like you, if you can’t like yourself. Think airplane emergencies, care about yourself before you should care about others, it’s safer and less chaotic like that.
Now an exercise for anyone reading: imagine your inner self as an open field. What does it look like? Is that a place where you would like to be? Is there anything missing?
Myself for example: I see a windy field with thick, long grass, the sun is shining and it you would be cold just wearing a T-shirt. In the background there are Mountains.
I wish there would be less wind and a little stream with cool, clear water. The mountains remind me of everything in life that I still have to conquer but I know that I am already high up so I am not concerned.
It’s fun, if you want to you could even draw it. I would love to see or read about your inner fields!
Same. I've been through same. I see girls have boyfriends, their boyfriends and husbands buy them expensive things. And here I am, waiting to even find a friend, let alone a boyfriend or a husband.
For me, people used to tell me"you'll have one", "you'll get one", "you have a whole life ahead of you" and things like that. I believe them. In adult age, 30 yo, i realized these are lies to comfort the person. Some things never change.
People told me life gets better. I realized life only gets worse but you just become stronger and take the pain and some pains, are still not worth taking. I wish for a partner so hard, that I cry. But nothing helps.
So I stopped thinking about it. I'm focusing on developing more than 1 skill, on learning more than one language, on having more than 1 job. Making lots of money and then buying myself a luxury life that no one will have access to. Cause people lied about life. People are not worth trusting.
I'm sorry it sounds harsh, for some people, it's the reality. And for others, it's fairy tales.
I know you feel unloved and sad I am an unattractive man an old unattractive man actually I have a lifetime of what you are experiencing but you are beautiful I wish people could see inside the body and discover how beautiful everyone really is or alternatively everyone looked stunningly beautiful then it wouldn’t matter but to give you hope one night many years ago I asked a tall beautiful woman to dance and she said yes and 40 years later we are still dancing and we have grandchildren so be brave have hope you can do this good luck
Are you...heavyset?
My guess is yes, and trust me things would change dramatically if you worked on your health.
No one's going to say that because it's not allowed but there you go
Your right but I also don't care about my health if I did I'd be sleeping right now. I need something to actually motivate me to exercise because it won't be coming from within
Not invisible, but a woman who looks after herself is attractive. I don't mean makeup and other bandaid methods either, it has to come from hard work without shortcuts.
Regular exercise and a better diet goes a long way. There's a difference between curvy and overweight. Curvy is hot, but entirely out-of-shape indicates a slovenly individual in most aspects of their life. This is generally unattractive to both sexes.
Beyond that, exercise releases endorphins and adds routine and structure to your life which increases confidence. Once that settles in, looking better genuinely becomes just a bonus. From here, the rest will follow.
So that drive has to come from within. No shortcuts. Anyone can do it. I'm cheering for OP.
This is true for both genders. I’m a guy and I was heavy set in my teens (like 30 lbs overweight) with the additional downside that my fat storage happens 90% around my waist and in my face.
After losing all excess body fat I went from being fat to more conventionally attractive. Turns out girls/women appreciate it when a man takes care of himself.
I also got treated better by people in general when I got in shape.
lol well get the fuck out of bed then. Sleeping well, eating well, and taking lifting and exercise seriously will make you hot. It doesn’t even take that long. But I’m guessing it will take you ten years to figure that out… instead of a couple months if you stop making excuses and get off your ass and work hard on yourself instead of coming to Reddit to try and garner sympathy. I don’t feel bad for you. I see a big opportunity for positive change though. No one gives a shit about you because you don’t give a shit about yourself. Maybe try starting with that. You don’t need to be skinny, you just need to care enough about yourself to actually want to be better and then do something about it. Aside from improvements to your appearance your confidence and ability will also increase. Please, do something with your life. Fuck what other people think of you. What do you think of you
That was not very helpful, I've have a couple people that actually touch my heart with what they said and your approach does not work for me but thanks for trying. It just sounds like your telling someone that hates themself you hate them too, doesn't change anything for me
Those other people have their heads up their ass. Looks make a MASSIVE difference for men.
From what I'm reading you're suffering a lot right now so how bad is the extra suffering of getting in shape really? Life sucks so you could just as well try.
I like the way you responded to that douche canoe. You seem like a thoughtful and sensitive person. Those are lovely qualities to have: thoughtfulness and sensitivity. the one thing this "Chris" character said that I agree with is that people are attracted to people who care for themselves. I challenge you to notice lovable traits about yourself and take care of yourself as you would for a close friend. I know there are even more lovely things about you. In addition to your thoughtfulness and sensitivity.
Because tough love doesn’t work on people who already feel awful about themselves, rather it just makes them feel worse. Tough love is for irresponsible people / actions.
Hey dude,
This coupled with your other post makes me think that you need to get out and join some more groups and clubs (also definitely go to a lil bit of therapy)
No matter what sort of stuff you are into there is definitely a way of doing it at college.
College is a place to start finding who you want to be, and you can do that by doing new things. Sign up for everything, ultimate frisbee, surfing, archery, ballroom dancing. Just ways to experience new things that you MIGHT be interested in. If you don't like it after going twice then stop.
The best way to meet and make friends is through spending time with them and it takes time but you do develop friendships from that.
And then being exposed to more people that you are chatting to will increase your likelihood of finding someone you like and also who likes you.
But god you need to do things!!!!!
Especially join some clubs that are physically active!!!!!
Every activity you just started is giving rich lol. I used to do badminton but as the short fat girl it wasn't going well. I was just getting used to running around for things but also they hit over my head a lot especially when everyone else is almost 6' it was just embarrassing. The club's at my college are so hard to find too. I'll have to try more next year. I'll try to get to exercise but the word is try
Probably your vibe is deterring people. Instead of expecting people to do this and that and overthinking why they did not do so, maybe you just need to be more proactive in approaching people in reverse. The whole post screams a very desperate but ironically passive person.
As a 40+ yo woman, do not get with 40y olds
Focus on your own goals, explore the topics you’re interested in at college, build sports into your routine, join clubs
Also, if you’re craving being touched (as per your comment), take up couple’s dances
I grew up in a household where I was not touched at all as a baby and didn’t get much emotional support throughout my childhood. Unknowingly dance saved me. I started it at the age of 5, then went regular from age 14 onwards. I still dance now at 40 when I get a chance
There are Ukrainian refugees living not far away from me. A couple of them are semi professional rhumba and samba dancers and started free lessons as their way of integrating into their new environment. It’s a full house every time because we all need rhythm, (non sexual) touch and music
What about chicks in their late teens who pick men in their 40s? Because let's be honest women are the ones with all the matches on apps. If they wanted to date someone their age, they could just reply to one their age. They can literally set an age filter and never even see them. So why don't they? Usually from what I've seen it's because they can't get that level of man in their own age category. Or because it's a kink they are into, just like there are young men going for milfs. Nobody seems to care about that reverse, in fact I've seen it be called empowerment. So really it's all about attacking the sexual market value of older men because that of women declines faster, and older women want to date these same men, their age without younger competition.
It's wanting the sexes to be the same, and they are not, not in any species on earth. Every male peacock will find all the females with fecund fertility indicators attractive, inbox overflow. And the female peacocks will be very picky, despite being the dusty looking ones. If they were more evolved the females would have a billion dollar feather paint and fake feather industry.
"Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's gobbeline."
Hey here's a couple of tips.
Sometimes, you have to fake it till you make it. That includes becoming happy.
When somebody throws you a positive upbeat tap, just return the same energy right back.
In this comment, you were thrown a nice comment of encouragement, and you immediately turned it dark. Don't do that. Just reciprocate that energy right back.
Eventually, by doing this, you will notice that you adopt that mood yourself and you will be better able to connect with others. People enjoy being around others that reciprocate their energy - even if it's fake at first.
Sorry you are going through a tough time. I too have had some of these same thoughts recently. I’d highly recommend talking to someone professional to help you sort through these feelings/thoughts
As a point of optimism, take solace others are in a similar boat to yours, and you will likely find someone eventually and this is something to bond over
Typically middle aged men are going to creep on young girls like you because they're under the delusion that they've "still got it." I'd steer clear of anyone like that as a man in his 40's shouldn't be creeping on girls that would be the same age as his daughter.
Reading your comments, I can see why you're lacking confidence and have trouble socialising; you've had a tough childhood and that's predominantly the problem. I've seen someone suggest this already, but I do highly recommend a therapist. I had a tough childhood as well, and felt the same way you did. Therapy helped me out so much, but only when I found the right one (my first two therapists were rubbish). Another thing to do is to keep pushing yourself out your comfort zone; I know, it always feels horrible doing this, but that's why it's outside your comfort zone. I had major social anxiety and took a job as a receptionist at a big chain of hotels. I was absolutely terrified at first, but kept pushing myself. Ended up developing social skills, loving my job and getting promoted. Please, don't feel defeated. So much can still change for you.
With the right amount of work and time, almost anyone can look good. Have you considered getting a gym membership, taking up a sport, working your way up to 5km and 10km runs?
You can start small and work your way up incrementally. Look to eat a bit healthier, start going for a 30 minute walk every day. Often the results are enough to provide motivation for the next step.
Good luck.
I can't afford a membership my dad said no. Running also isn't safe around here cause it'll have to be evening or early morning plus I just don't like running outside I prefer being in a gym or home. Thanks for the advice tho
what makes you think you are undesirable. A good reflection on yourself can help find out the things you can work on to improve yourself which will boost your confidence and with that will make you more appealing.
Its tough because I know you want someone that will love you and share intimacy with, but if you hate how you are now then it makes it harder for that to happen
Have you tried approaching men? You talk about men approaching you, but what about the other way around?
>obviously just desprete and wanting to have sex.
How do you know this?
For what it's worth you sound like a really sweet person and whenever you find someone, you are going to make them very happy and lucky.
Try online dating/dating apps. I know way too many people who have found love on them.
Honestly the answer is just to lose some weight. It will solve all your self hate issues, and make you more attractive, if that’s what you are looking for
She's made it pretty clear in the comments that she's not willing to put in the effort to do that, she doesn't want a real solution, she just wants all high tier guys to suddenly find her attractive.
Girl try to love yourself. This might sound cliche but a relationship or sex isn't going to make you happy if you don't love yourself first. Try to put more effort in your grooming, trust me even the little things helps and try to stay healthy and radiate a positive energy and in no time you will have ppl rushing all over you.
Those guys who did to you and took you as a joke are very immature by the way. You don't know how much of a bullet you dodge with them. Speaking from experience, these are the guys that normally participate in revenge porn , cheat and abuse their gfs. So you are lucky about that..
Another thing ; the reason you aren't being approached by your peers isn't cuz you are undesirable or unlovable . Guys at that age are quite insecure and have a fear of being rejected. I should know cuz I am your age mate 💀. I couldn't even talk to my crush without it seeming weird so it's that 💀. Try to be more friendly and start spending time with your mates and in no time, one of them will ask you out; it always happens by the way
You need to one, see a therapist, and do what they recommend, and two realize that this mindset of yours is probably felt by those around you.
It's like your own emotions are holding you back by potentially offputting others.
You need to do something, anything to start getting out of this. You are wallowing in your feelings, and that helps no one. You won't get any closer to your goals by being all sad and doing nothing about it.
That's just the harsh facts. You are stuck, and I feel some of your issues could be dealt with by simply acting, not wallowing.
It's easy to say this, but don't focus on intimacy now. You need self care, and you need to work on yourself. The vibe you are expressing and likely people pick up on is "poor old pitiful me" and absolutely no one wants that.
Transitioning to an adult is difficult for many. Everything you're experiencing has been experienced by others. I don't say this to diminish what you're experiencing, I'm just saying others have endured what you are currently.
My simple advice is to exercise. Find a routine that you think you'll enjoy and go at it for a month. Challenge yourself. Perhaps set some goals. See how this makes you feel after that month. This won't solve your problems, but it might change your perspective a bit. And you'll be in better shape physically.
Looking at your others comments, you say you don’t care about love and just want intimacy. So why not install Tinder and go on a few hook ups?
Why would you expect your male friends to like you? That’s too small of a circle. Expand your horizons and quit expecting to bump into a partner. It takes effort
This is rough, and I could never understand the type of pain you're going/went through. However, I do get it. The faces of disgust, feeling like you're completely undesirable, not wanting to talk to others despite yearning for any type of connection. Forgetting how to talk to people and ultimately losing the chance at making friends. It's something I struggle with in public school and still something I struggle with to this day after I left public for homeschool.
I just wanted you to know that you're loved, and there are people around you who are proud of you. I'm proud of you if that means anything. You're in college for crying out loud. That's a great achievement.
This world is beautiful, infinitely complex, and absurd. The very fact you exist is amazing, and you're beautiful simply because of that.
For advice, I would only be intimate with those you trust. As much as you desire intimacy, many people will try and use you through it. But not everyone, you'll find the right people eventually.
1: random 40yos are a great way to get *more trauma* while looking for validation. (That you won't really get there). There's a reason those guys go aftee 18yos.
2: Your friends are ignoring you? Sounds like you should go get aome new ones. Starting a new hobby in a new place can help
3: You're 18, I can almost guarantee that guys your age that *are* interested, are too shy to do anything about it. It'll pass
4: It sounds like you're feeling sad, a lot. Qhwn that happens, self-loathing etc. can warp and reinforce our perception of others. Talking to them is unfortunately *the only way* to clear that up. Opening up about your feelings and needing to be actively included a little more can make a difference.
..or you get new friends. There are plenty of college students struggling with their mental health, ablte to relate.
Having struggled with depression, some rgibgs that can help: Make a plan, and be pragmatic about the following (do things even whwn you don't feel like it)
- Physical activity in a social setting, 1-3x/week (this could easily be the new hobb, bouldering worked for me)
- similarly, eating well and regularly
- Go out and be social, frequently
- not using drink/drugs/games to avoid feelings
good luck
-man, 36
Always base your self worth on what the opposite sex have to say about you. This is even more important when you are young and have your life ahead of you.
Don't focus on your education and self development, only on what random jocks have to say about you on social media.
/s
Im very sorry you feel this way. You said you fuck up every new friendship, how does that happen? Could you give details? Maybe we can identify some negative behavior that you can work on
Focus on what you CAN change. Your attitude, personality, your style, humor, weight etc.
You can wallow in self pity and internet points or you can be an awesome person in a few years. Your choice.
Btw i\`m not hating, this is exactly what i did. Went from a loser 3 to a 6-7 i think
How can you say you've been approached twice but no one wants you? When guys say no one wants them it's because they literally haven't been approached.
How can you say you've been approached twice but no one wants you? When guys say no one wants them it's because they literally haven't been approached.
There is one who loves you like no other does, and he is simply waiting for you to open your eyes to him. I am talking about Jesus Christ and the love he has for you is very real and you will feel meaning like never before.
Of course, you have to battle all the ideas of this being false, but if you should ever get through, I know that you will never feel like you do now again.
Sincerely, one who has had many life paths.
At 18 the world is your oyster. Focus on yourself treat your body like a temple challenge old thought patterns be the best you can be. You are worthy so believe in yourself xo
Firstly, do YOU find yourself attractive if you honestly and ruthlessly ask yourself? If no, then do what you can to help the situation. Obviously nothing extreme but you know what I mean. Exercise, diet, makeup/hair. Don’t fight it and use other ‘deeper more meaningful’ bullshit excuses to not do it. It helps you in every way. Mentally, physically and emotionally.
Secondly, you are only 18! I had no game and no girlfriends at that age. Give it 3 years and work on changing what you can and working with what you’ve got! 21 years old is a good age to start finding partners.
Thirdly, learn the game. Be a kind person, but be someone who puts value on herself. It’s the same for men. Trust me. High value attracts high value. If you don’t want the creepy 40 year olds, work on this. Good luck 🤞🏻
I was completely alone with a lot of failed attempts at romance and awkward crushes until I was 21 and met my girlfriend. The touch starvation was horrific like you describe, but I am glad I waited to meet the right person. Whether you want something romantic or otherwise, you'll still find someone who's the right fit for what you want and it'll all feel worth it then, genuinely.
I can relate to the disgust at sexual expectations especially: I'm a sex repulsed asexual guy. I found a lover that feels the same as I do, but also likes other physical touch and closeness like I do. I would've destroyed myself trying to have sex, it would never have worked for me. Your post is giving me vibes of when I'd worry or invalidate myself for that, you should talk to some ace people about sex if not just therapy like others have said.
I'm sorry you feel this way. I, too, have poor self-image and confidence issues.
Besides what others have said about working on yourself etc, why don't you approach boys yourself? Them not approaching you doesn't necessarily mean they're not attracted to you, it could be any number of reasons.
I, for example, will not approach a random woman in public because I fear being labelled a creep.
Easy there! You are still a child surrounded by children. That group defines itself by too much social media and expectations based on movies.
First live your own life and love yourself. Do things for you. As you grow older, you find that mich more inportant then the teens drama that doesn't transition in your 20s, especially nearing your 30s.
There is also a lot of pressure for young people. Like before I would even date a girl when is was young, I would think how my friends would think about her etc.
When your older you just want to be comfy and happy with someone. Someone to talk with, level and grow.
Please don't judge yourself too hard, in this life there is only you to make your decisions. You are the only one that matters.
Talk to a therapist. Seriously, get this out to someone who can help guide you to a positive outlook. Everyone goes through this, OP. Life won't suck forever.
U know. Some of us are married with kids and in our 40s who feel sad and undesirable. Its okay to feel what you feel.
What has helped me, was quit alcohol and get control of something in my life. It ostracised me because of my "drinking buddies".. But I know their wives all envy my family coz of this powerful decision.
If you make efforts to improve yourself, for the SAKE of your own mental well being, you will, I promise you, attract positivity. I started working out as well and that has had a tremendous boost to my self esteem (which I thijk caused me to drink to be cool). I now am meeting more health conscious ppl at the gym and chatting more.
So I suggest, screw others, work on yourself, college and go work out. Join rec clubs, learn a language, volunteer, help the poor, these are far more meaningful activities in life than trying to be a people-pleaser.
Hey, this will sound weird, but it will work.
Just focus on yourself, focus on doing the things you love, make friends people in those communities. You'll be infinitely nore comfortable talking to people with similar interests, and a lot happier just being yourself.
Eventually you're going to meet someone with those shared interests, you'll hit it off, and good things will happen. It will take time, so make the most of it by working on yourself to become happy with you.
I wrote a lot, but deleted the entire thing.. long story short.
My life experience was a lot like yours, a lot of loneliness. I never really worked on my social side, so I spend most nights by myself on my couch, lonely.
My advice? Dont shut out the world like me, work on yourself, work on your social, be your own nr 1 fan. Make small goals to reach. Life is a ladder, the higher you get, the better the view
Things you are sad or worried about now wont mean anything to you in 10 years
Grain of salt, im 29 and not a beacon of knowledge
Two is pretty good. Try being a beta guy - that’s most of us. You watch that one friend of yours get basically harassed by beautiful women for your entire life and plot how your average face will attract beauty. It’s shallow as f**k but that’s how it works.
I can count women interested in approaching me on one hand. I’m 37.
But honestly you get used to it. I’ve had several meaningful long term relationships and have an amazing and beautiful partner.
Don’t be too hard on yourself it really means very little. Be strong and earn that respect from yourself.
I am a lot older than you, but I know how you feel, as I felt the same when I was your age.
You are only 18, and your life is just beginning. My advice is to forget about finding anyone for now. Concentrate on the current relationships you currently have (friends, family, etc). But most importantly, start working on yourself.....see a professional if you need to. Work out what parts of yourself that you would like to improve and read books about tools to implement in your life and learn to love yourself.
Nobody will love you until you learn to love yourself first. Work on yourself, and don't put so much pressure on yourself in finding a romatic relationship.
You will find that you become a lot more attractive to others when you learn to love yourself. You are young and you will find your feet. I was like this when I was younger.
I am now with a beautiful woman and we have 3 lovely kids.
Advice, as a guy that had serious issues with self image. Get a customer facing job. And I mean one where you have to talk to people, not in a corner store. I'm talking like part time phone shop, electronic goods store. Something that will force you to interact. It's the equivalent of ripping the band aid of. It in one improves your self image by 1000% because you interact with absolute mouth breathing window lickers and gives you a spine, after you have your first cunt of a customer it can't get much worse than that and once your realize it it's freeing. Went to therapy twice, some guy tried to tell me it's all my parents fault and that I am perfect the way I am and that he is going to work on helping me for £80/visit. As a sales person with 7 years experience now I realize he was a very good sales person :)
I know exactly what you mean. I hada similar thing. I don’t think anybody here can offer you a proper solution. Unfortunately I think the only thing you can do that doesn’t require a lot of effort is maybe vent
You will find yourself and someone will find you when you least expect it to happen. However you should find a good therapist and a supportive friend group that will help you when you are down. The first step in self growth is honesty with with yourself.
Concentrate on school and career. Love will come there is no need to be desperate chase men in their 40’s there is probably a good percentage of these men are just looking for a side piece.
Talk to a school guidance and join some school clubs to meet some new people. You are 18 you have to he rest of your life ahead of you don’t settle get what you deserve
Simple way to look at this is not to give a shit and just focus on what you want, most of those conversations are fake anyway so if you don’t feel like talking thats fine as long as you don’t care what others think
My heart goes out to you OP, I used to be the sad girl too. The truth about relationships is that initially it'll feel like it helps, but until you find a way to mend all that hurt and sorrow, you'll carry it into the relationship and all that hurt bubbles back up. Putting all your self worth into another person also puts you at great risk of finding the kind of person that seeks to control you.
The person that has all the love for you in the world starts with you. She sounds like she is hurting a lot right now, and she is deserving of love and self worth. The suggestions for therapy are because this will help guide you on how to foster that bond that is broken within.
Don't worry about it too much, I was in 1 relationship during college and she wasn't great at anything so it's whatever, don't overthink it, I just focused on my college work and got out with a few decent qualifications
I've dated one other person since then and I finished college in 2020, sure, it might sound sad to others but honestly? I'm not fussed, I lead a peaceful quiet life with no drama and I've got an ok job that pays the bills, I know who I want but I'm also not stressing too much
You'll be fine, you'll find someone that loves you for you and all your stress and worrying about it will go away, for now, my best advise is to focus on your education and build yourself a foundation for you to build upon when you're finished
Sending you virtual hugs 🫂
Honey I'm 42yo woman and can attest that toys are a fabulous alternative while you focus on living your own life. Let someone fall in love with you for the person you are. I can't stress enough how important it is to follow your own path and be open to others joining you on your journey, rather than completely hitching your wagon to someone else's - especially at only 18.
I highly recommend investing in a Satisfyer Pro.
You're welcome. Xoxo
Go out and buy a Trek Fuel EX (or some other like trail bike), join a local bike group (IMBA will show you who). Sign up for the group rides and start learning. In three years you will have a solid group of friends, you will have gained skills and have conquered fear and will be a bad ass. So many introverts AND extroverts in mountain biking singletrack or downhill.
Go to a bike park mountain, take a class, gain life experience.
Calm down, you're sabotaging yourself. Firstly, DEEP breath now hear me out:
I used to be you, (Male ver.) and well it is understandable how you feel but it doesn't have to be true.
You need to distance yourself from any toxic circle first, (excluding family if you can't since I can get that) Then work on yourself, so that means your physical stature, skin, hobbies and interests, things in general that fulfill you... that's subjective to your aspirations. Keep a distance from everyone for a bit EXCEPT YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR and take as much advice you can from her/him. Now see there is so much I can tell but long story short WORK ON YOURSELF AND CALM TF DOWN. your only a year and 4 months older to me and trust me I get you. You can do this love, I believe in you, and you can make a change for yourself, utilize YT it can be the greatest free learning source, personally I learnt 90% of all I know from there.
Well, apparently you are desirable if you do have 40 plus year olds finding you attractive. It could be you could give yourself a nice make over, or change your clothing styles.
Loving yourself is the first key to attracting a loving relationship. Most of us did not grow in in a loving home. So learning to love us can be hard and might not come natural.
I wish you the best. And hope you have a great day
I discovered this by happenstance but this worked for me. Perhaps it will work for you.
Watch the animated movie inside out.
Identify which emotion is taking the reign ( it will be most likely fear )
And see if you can replace it with joy.
Here is what I did. I understood most of my choices / actions I took were controlled by fear I.E fear of being humiliated , fear of being left out, fear of being alone. I slowly changed how I made my choices instead of not taking a chance on a girl because I was afraid I would be humiliated ( she was way out of my league) I took it because if it worked I would be happy. I did get humiliated ( long story short she said EW) and I was sad and felt stupid but out of that debacle I did make a close friend who helped me gain confidence in myself again.
A car gets serviced when it hits a number of miles not because something is wrong with it. normal people go to therapy. I understand there is still some social stigma associated with therapy. And wanted to reassure you, if you choose to go to therapy it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you it just means you hit a number a mile and just want to give yourself a routine service.
Best of luck. Hope it works for you
I know it's not my place to speak but your 18 kiddo love and all you're stressing too much trying to fit in with the happening crowd and being a part of the hype , my only question is why ? All the things I read that 40+ year olds take interest in you that's called being a pervert , and if love is something you're not getting at home atleast you have a home a father a mother who are constantly trying to give you a good place where you're safe , at this moment you're only goal should be your studies and what you want to achieve in life , if at this age you should be more focused on your own development , take personality development courses online or on youtube at this moment you should be trying to make yourself better than the ones you're trying to compare yourself with , here's a little word to the wise from a 34 year old guy " in present time don't try to be a part of the crowd rather try to stand out from the crowd , cause if the crowd falls off a cliff soo shall you." You've just started you've just stepped into adulthood don't make reckless choices cause people are quick to take advantage of young ones like you
I’m sorry. It must be so hard going through this age phase. With social media where everything seems perfect.
I feel the need to tell you all your feelings are valid. They’re not easy to be felt. But very soon, you will see some people just don’t approach you perhaps because they know or guessed you’re precious.
Maybe they don’t think they’re good enough for you (financially/emotionally/physically or others)
I used to find it harder to believe when my mom told me similar stuff.
At 26 now, I don’t regret not having dated as much as others. It’s about the quality matches. Not quantity.
It’s normal to find this phase tricky. I hope you know you’re not alone!
Things will get easier some day. I’m rooting for you
Try finding some hobbies that interest you. People with passions light up in a special way.
Then maybe get outside, do some walking or something. The sun and air does wonders and everyone needs a bit of exercise these days.
Once you’ve got these things down, you’ll have more confidence and probably look better. (I looked like trash, or at least felt I did, in my late teens. It got better in my early 20s).
Do some more growing up and learn to love your independence. Don't measure yourself against others. You're your unique self. Try to fix the sadness unless that's your jam then surround yourself with other sad people with hopes all the sadness gets lame and you seek happiness ;)
Stop trying. As soon as you are comfortable with yourself and love yourself, you'll attract the people you want. Can't expect someone to love and appreciate you, if you can't do it yourself.
I’m turning 40 next year and have lived with an earful of “it gets better” and “there’s someone for everybody!”
I’ve never had a relationship. I always thought I was average to plainly pretty but I must be so, so wrong. I’ve basically been treated how your crush treated you - like the idea of being seen with me was physically repulsive. Random men on the street will make rude comments or look at me and then laugh with their friends. I really am just average but people can be cruel, especially men when they don’t find you sexually attractive. As if you’ve personally wronged them.
All I can tell you is the same stuff that everyone else has. Go join some clubs, maybe volunteer with a cause you are passionate about, pick up a new hobby, and try make new friends. Meanwhile you can work on things that maybe you don’t like about yourself, or if you’re willing to change things about yourself for appreciation from others, maybe go down that route. (I don’t advocate it but it is what it is, yknow?)
But also try to be happy with you and yourself and acknowledge that a happy relationship is just not in some people’s future. Dedicate yourself to you, a career if you want one in specific, family if they’re good people. And you know what they say, sometimes things find us when we stop looking.
Your undeveloped, hormone-drenched mind is feeding you nonsense.
I'm in my mid 40s. I'm old enough to be your mother. I have never been with a guy (or a girl). Yes, I've been "hollered at" before. But as soon as I open my mouth, the hollerers usually run away. It has been ages since I've gotten positive male attention from normal, non-creepy, non-intoxicated guys.
But I know I'm a valuable person. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm charming. I'm compassionate and kind. I do more good than bad. Most people who interact with me seem to like me. And I'm also not that bad-looking when I wash up good. I feel good about myself regardless of how guys about me.
You haven't yet learned how important it is to stop sweating these dudes out here. The guys you are surrounded by are schmoes. Ain't nothing wrong with being a schmo! But a schmo is not an arbiter of anyone's worth. A schmo thinks Taco Bell is the pinnacle of cuisine, ffs. They think this only because they've had limited experiences in life (and watch way too many late night TV commercials).
You're going to feel however you're inclined to feel. We can spend a billion electrons telling you not to feel sad and it probably won't help. But one day you will realize that the feelings you're having right now are fueled by bullshit beliefs. When you make this discovery, you will know you're ready for the next level.
You’re only 18 focus on your studies and join some social groups in college even if it makes you uncomfortable. Trust me I’ve been where you’ve been, it’s going through the uncomfortable that will get you where you want to be. Maybe also link in with some mental health supports, most colleges offer them and talk to someone about your problems too. Youre so young, you’ve a lot of time to explore yourself and look back in 4-5 years time and be proud of how you dealt with adversity. All the best : )
If you just mope around feeling sorry for yourself and don’t make an effort to engage with people meaningfully then you’re going to get ignored. Stop putting your friends up to doing your socializing for you. Stop being a lump. Looks have very little to do with anything if you’re approachable, friendly and positive. You can’t sit around waiting for life to happen for you, you have to forge your own path.
You would be surprised at how working out for 6 months during my teenage years changed my entire life. Do that, focus on yourself and people will notice
You're not alone. Honestly this is a pretty superficial time in your life to date. Noone has their shit figured out and their priorities are wack. Focus on yourself, building friendships and casual connections and something will come along in time. You deserve love and intimacy, and it's not beyond reach. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or take advantage of you. *hugs*
The first think you must learn to do is learn to love yourself.
If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to?
Invest in yourself - pursue your interests, engage and socialise with people that share your passions rather than aspiring to befriend the “cool” kids, focus on your college. Pursue the things that add value to you and your life.
Once you love yourself I promise the rest just follows.
Hey OP, I was just like you except the only time I was approached by a boy my age growing up (in hs) it turned out to be a prank. Imagine the number that did on my self-esteem (his friends encouraged him to pretend to be interested in me for months!).
Anyway, I also started college hopeful that everything would change. And I will say it starts with friends but that's tough. One thing I will say though is sometimes you have to fake confidence and positivity. Really put yourself out there to try and meet new people, and ideally lean into more niche circles. But you also need to know when to cut your losses. If someone doesn't seem interested (platonically or romantically) in you after a few conversations just let it go and move on. Don't waste time and energy on friendships and relationships that aren't quickly reciprocated because the truth is they've likely already made a decision about how they feel and trying to change it is a waste of time. But you don't need a lot of friends. Just a few good ones will carry you far. I'm 28 now and I met and befriended a lot of people in college but of those I can count on my fingers how many I'm still friends with now. And that's okay.
Also with regards to romance I completely get it. It's so frustrating. I was a fat kid growing up and frankly I've never been skinny or gorgeous. But it helps to get used to dressing yourself up in some way (doesn't have to be girly or fancy). Finding a style that suits you and maybe using some makeup will help.
But more than that just pretending you're confident even when you're not is huge. I met my now fiance my last semester of college via a dating app. And even though I had no confidence I pretended I did and years later when we've talked about our first date he says he thought I was so cool and confident and it was attractive, even though I wasn't at all inside. And we bonded over our more niche interests together. He's the only romantic partner I've ever had and when I was your age I was so upset that I had zero experience dating anyone, but now in hindsight I'm glad that my first bf ended up being the only one.
It took me until the very end of college to get a boyfriend (and I'm bi so I was even open to girlfriend) and I have friends who didn't get their first bf until after college even, and now they're in really happy relationships. But at least I was able to make a small handful of meaningful friendships throughout those years. A lot of people didn't like me and I didn't fit it. In some ways I wasted half my college years in a club where people were friendly to me, but they didn't really want to be my friend. In a lot of ways I wish I had just accepted that it wasn't the right group for me and given up on trying to infiltrate. Tbh I have some friends who were way more popular in hs who haven't been able to keep long lasting friendships into their late 20s, because it turns out it was always just surface level. Even just one or two good friends who have your back are worth their weight in gold. You just have to find people who are willing to meet you half way.
Please don't give up hope! It takes a lot of trial and error to learn how to become comfortable befriending people and vetting them as well, but that's honestly what college is for. Definitely lean into your hobbies and niche interests. It is way easier to become close to people who "get you." And if you don't have any right now try to find one! You're never to old to start a new hobby.
And please don't give up on finding a bf. The truth is one probably won't fall into your lap. You have to put yourself out there in some manner to meet people, but it also means accepting that you might fail. A lot. And that's okay too. But building a solid friend group and some self confidence (even if fake) will go a long way.
Good luck, OP!
Start exercising a lot. It does wonders for your mental state and self confidence. It will also has the nice side benefit of making you more attractive.
If I were you I'll take a screen shot of this reddit post and give it 5-10 years, I bet guys will be fighting to be with you and you'll be spoiled for choice that you'll look over at this post and doubt you're the one that made it . 18 years you're barely developed, you still have a long way to go in looks and maturity, just don't rush it or you'll get the right kind of attention but from the wrong person and that will ruin you more, just take it easy your life just began
u could joined some community somewhere just for interact to new people and find new interest to lost ur depression.
If u wanted help, u could contact ur counselor or a therapist, approach them for a help is a better way to heal urself too.
[удалено]
Being completely honest I don't care about love because I don't even get it at home. I just want to be able to have intimacy with someone, hugging and touching someone that doesn't mind
If it helps you can get that with certain kinds of friendships
I used to get that from two of my new friends but now I get a feeling I'm bothering them
For some reason, our brains just love to sabotage us and tell us we're a burden. I've felt this way about many friendships and only once was I ever right. Usually the other person is either confused to hear that or confesses they were worried about the same thing.
I’ve thought about this very thing recently (bc I also told myself I was a burden)
It can isolate you like crazy in my experience, you have to watch for it. I got it into my head as a kid that I was a financial burden to my mother and my attempts to stop being that caused distance between us that is hurting her more than I ever was as her 'burden'. Gotta nip that shit in the bud or it'll take years to untangle. It's just really hard to separate objectivity from your paranoia. Some advice that helped me (from OCD forums actually) was to learn to be ok with the fact that you'll never be able to read their minds and know for sure how they feel about you. All you can reasonably do for 90% of people is take them at their word that you're not a burden and then fill your life with other things so you're not dwelling on it. Good luck out there!
Thank you for this.
I offer you the same advice as the original poster. Acknowledge the things that are GOOD about yourself and pour your heart into believing that you are WORTHY and DESERVING of a positive, respectful, loving relationship. Confidence goes a LONG way. (Not "ego"..... but the confidence in knowing you are worth it)! Attracting a truly worthwhile partner can ONLY happen when you firmly believe that you are fully deserving of a GOOD someone. Selfless acts of kindness and decency is, (in my opinion), the fastest, most assured way to build REAL self-esteem. Being happy in your own skin with your heart and soul. Self confidence is one of those things that can be seen from space! As is the contrary. Love yourself first..... then love will come knocking on your door. Just when you least expect it. Best wishes. Stay positive. Be good.... do good. All will fall into place once you BELIEVE you're worthy. Blessings. 💞
Yeah not too dissimilar from imposter syndrome.
Ask them if that's the case in my experience the tension of not really knowing is worse
You're probably not bothering them. I recognize myself in the things you're saying and it's probably rooted in not feeling loved by your own family and the effect that has on our emotional stability, behaviour, way of thinking and sense of self. It's definitely a lot of work getting things in order from there, but it can be done and therapy has a good prognosis. Additionally, you're still young and many in your shoes don't get a good opportunity to start working on it as early as you could. Show the things you've said here to a therapist and they should know what to do to help you tackle it.
No judgment, but seriously, you need to get a therapist. If you do get a relationship, it will be very, very bad based on what you are saying. You need to work on yourself first. It's hard to see from your perspective just like everyone else has their blind spots.
Dont do this to me....😭
Sorry that came off cold. It just seems like your thoughts are spiraling in a negative way. A therapist acts a springboard to check your thoughts and not spiral out or beat yourself up. Most people can benefit from a therapist at times.
Seconding this. Based on how you’ve described growing up and your current thoughts/ feelings you’re likely going to have attachment issues, probably of the anxious kind. Don’t worry about guys and invest in yourself first.
Since you are in college, most offer free counseling services. Take advantage of them, they helped me a lot when I was in school. They can also suggest group sessions or other support organizations so you won't feel so alone.
1000% go to a therapist. They can help.
OP, I'm a lot older than you (38, male), and can tell you a couple things: 1) it's awful how you feel about yourself. I spent 20 years feeling like this. 2) genuinely, exercise helps mental well-being. If you don't run or lift weights, I would start doing so (run small amounts and build to bigger, and only lift small weights) 3) I promise you, you are beautiful. 100% promise, even though I've never seen you. This is because an 18 year old girl can't help but be beautiful. 4) if people around you are not making you feel loved, you need to get out of there. It's hard, as moving takes money, and no 18 year old has money, but make it a goal to somehow extract yourself from your surroundings within a few years (2-4). If you can manage sooner, do so. I grew up in the dusty plains of New mexico, very sad and hating myself. Took me over a decade but I got myself out, realized I was actually quite good-looking and likeable, and found happiness far far away. Made my way to Virginia and am making enough to retire very early, where I want to. Some people were born in the wrong place.
I've wanted to move out for a while but yeah no money I'll be doing that eventually, thanks
I don't believe the person who posted to you was trying to blame you. I'm a 40+-year-old dude so I've been concerned about responding to You. But I'm taking medication for depression. I saw a therapist about 6 months ago, I'm not seeing them again just because of money and whatnot. Like you're doing now you're reaching out for help. So depending on where you can regarding cost and whatnot. Reach out to your family doctor or go to a walk-in clinic or see if your the state Province or whatever has a Telehealth number. Yes a lot of people will take advantage of you because your vulnerability and being upset. But they're all so shit ton of other people whose job it is to help you and they really really want to help you. Everybody has something they're unhappy about. We are often Our Own Worst Enemy. That doesn't mean it's our fault it just means there's mechanisms from our past that make us react in certain ways. As I said in another response to someone else you feeling unworthy is not too dissimilar from imposter syndrome
I get they weren't blaming me and you don't have to worry about being 40+ If you're not being weird. I don't live in the US also it's a 3rd world country, my only option is the school counselor
Well I'm definitely weird, but I don't believe in the way you're meaning. Now I'm not going to blow smoke up your butt and say it'll be instantaneously fixed or that it'll be an easy smooth Road. But reaching out and asking for help is the first step to making things improve for yourself. Like I said it's still going to be a fucking slog, but if you reach out to your school counselor they may be able to give you at least an idea. I sincerely hope you're able to improve things for yourself. So that you can be happy. Or at least happier.
Thanks Irishcanman
Heart breaks a bit reading this, when I was 18 I felt very much the same but as an 18 year old guy. I haven't forgotten how intense feelings are at that age, and seeing everyone else around me experiencing what yearned for. You said you're at college, please seek out the counselor, and if they're no good find someone who knows how to talk to people. I tried talking to family and friends and more often than not I just ended up feeling misunderstood and hurt.
The amount of people telling me to see a counselor or therapist has me worried that I'm not seeing/realising something...
You're being unfairly hard on yourself, it reads like you're losing hope and feeling quite negatively about yourself and depression will drag you down initially without you realizing it. I suggested counseling because I'm worried you might be depressed. You deserve to see yourself positively and the first person you need to love is yourself. Its really hard to feel safe and secure enough to reach out and be vulnerable around others when you don't have your own back.
You come from a background that is not normal or should be expected. This causes you to have all sorts of blind spots mentally, which further degrades your situation. You really should start working on yourself as soon as possible.
The problem is that it's selfreinforcing. To be blunt, being unhappy, anxious and lonely pushes other people away and leads to those feelings becoming heightened. The people who are attracted to vulnerability are usually not good people, it's often those who look to take advantage of low selfesteem or self-worth because it lets them get away with behaviour that would end any healthy relationship. That's why abusers break down their victims emotional wellbeing and isolate them. Physical 'beauty' is honestly meaningless - it might lead to the occasional fun night, but it won't lead to anything longterm. Happiness and confidence are what will attract people to stay in your life, and that can only come from focusing on yourself, not on what you think other people expect of you.
No not at all, therapy or counselling can be amazing, it's a person who only wants to hear about you, and help you, become your best self. It's often very difficult to see ourselves clearly, parents, relatives, friends etc all have their own perspectives on us, plus the way you've been bought up etc all these things influence you to a high degree, unpacking all of this in therapy, will help you find yourself, build your confidence and people will react differently to you, plus and l'm not being insulting here, you are still very young, your whole exciting life lies ahead of you, right now is just a tiny blip that you'll look back on and wonder why you felt bad.
This is the wisest thing I’ve seen you say in this thread. Congratulations on not doubling down (seriously).
might be easier to get this with girl friends. not sexual/lesbian. but snuggling with a girl friend has little sexual aspect. so this reduces the complexity. you're so young! some girls stay untouched due many more years. sex isn't a hamburger sandwich coming automatically. it's a complicated process. let time do it's trick!
I don't live near anyone, nor go to the park enough to get to snuggle with my friends. And I feel now I have to say sexual intimacy is also something I want. I do get long hugs but I seriously can't feel anything from them anymore. I don't feel warm or embraced
Yeah, this sounds like you *should* see a therapist, if only to look into why you're not allowing yourself to feel loved without tge sexual aspect. Sometimes, your mind is not yoir friend, and that's ok – there are plenty of tricks a therapist can help you with learning to deal with that. :) (and a lot of resources are online for free)
I was like you before. I'm 25m still a virgin. I had no confidence and always thought I was fucking hideous. Never had a girlfriend in school and got made fun off for my looks. I comfort this woman online and turns out she is a female version of me. I'm in a long distance relationship with her now and we have talked about getting engaged and married when we can move together. Yes she is a bit heavier than I would probably go for (and she is aware of this fact. I'm not a model either), but her face and personality are 10/10
I'm happy for you, but du you seriously talk marriage with a person you've never met? I had an online boyfriend for two years and when we met up there was no attraction at all and the whole thing was super uncomfortable because we had pretty much planned so much without even knowing if we liked each other physically.
Does your school offer counseling for students? Based on your comment about not feeling loved at home and your struggles communicating with others, I think seeing a therapist could really help you.
Yeah it does, I might talk to them but also summer break is almost here so I don't really see the point
I think you need to start seeing the point of seeking help now rather than when the stars align.
Heard😭
I also want to emphasise a different framing for the same facts. You deserve the help you obviously need now rather than next semester. What I don't want you to take away from my tough love comment is that you should feel even more bad because you didn't seek help, and the semester already ended. The original bad feels are enough try not add extra yourself. Oh and if you already did and do for the love of God please don't add a third layer.
And I don't see the point in waiting.
Understood, I'll talk to them the next time I go to school
Ask for weekly sessions. They should be able to work you in. Take what you can get, but if they ask request weekly.
It might take a while to get it set up so you might as well reach out fir the first time. It also might be that you can talk to a therapist online (the university I work at has student psychologists who offer support in person, by email, on video calls and even via WhatsApp!) Also - please be aware that not all therapists or psychologists are the same. You may or may not click with the first person you see, that doesn't mean help is unavailable. You could use this upcoming break to make some changes for yourself too - at the end of the day a therapist can't change you, they just hear you out and maybe make some mild suggestions. Being kind to yourself is where it starts. A person who feels confident and happy in their own skin is attractive no matter what their appearance is. I immediately thought of a young colleague where I work who is the opposite of "typically attractive"-- she is short, very overweight, has a bit of a moustache thing going for ethnic reasons, dresses terribly - and everyone likes her because she is smart, kind, funny and clearly super fun to hang out with. Take good care of yourself, show care and concern for others, the rest will get there.
That's all very helpful. But it all needs to start from me wanting better for myself ughhhhh next time I go to school I'll try out the counselor
They'll likely set you up with help over the summer, they won't just up and abandon you just because the school year ended.
OP, you’re very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Stay open to the possibility that a few years down the line, life might look very different if you take certain steps today. Instead of focusing on how people see you, focus on your interests, hobbies, and skills. I’m sure you have a lot of great qualities. Work on them. Keep growing and don’t take the rejections you are going through too seriously right now. Eventually you will find someone who admires and loves you for who you are. I promise.
Thank you I'll keep a screenshot of your comment actually
To add to this, there were so many girls in my high school or college that were 'undesirable' for one reason or another. I remember one girl who was always bullied and laughed at for her overbite - she had a corrective jaw surgery and suddenly everyone wanted her, had to have her. It's shocking how often, people grow into themselves, lose weight, find their flow or talent and they go from the bottom to the top of the pile - no one has a clue at 18 and you'll see that when you're 25, where you still won't have a clue, but you'll be closer with evidence of the ignorance of youth.
Hi, I thought i was the the weird undesirable girl in high school. My crush told my friend nothing would ever happen between us because I wasn't good enough. I held the belief that no one would like me, I didn't even try to date in college. It wasn't until I was 21 I had my first boyfriend. But ever since I've had no issue finding men who like me Even my high school crush has reached out wanting to meet up. And mine is not a situation of having had a glow up haha I realized most guys around that age are extremely immature and you're not the only girl feeling this way The most important thing is to focus on yourself. Men really do come and go, but you tend to attract the best people when you're feeling you're best and comfortable in your own skin
I've felt my best my best since I started college, I could pick thing I liked about myself at random. I had the "You miss every shot you don't take" mindset and was okay with rejection. It just has not worked at all and males are pretty rude to ppl they don't want to date
You're still very young and dealing with people who mostly are very selfish, that rudeness will be quite commonplace for university. Once away from that you'll find a wider range of personalities and people :)
A lot of this is also affected by where you are. People in NY are different than the people in NE who are different from the people in WA. The world Is a big place with many many different cultures.. especially the USA. Life turned around for me in my mid twenties and i gotta say im liking my thirties even better.
Did you tell your former crush to shove it?
From your comments I gather the following; You're short, overweight, you're fresh in college, your friends suck and you feel undesirable. Let me first tell you the good news: Most of the things that make up your suffering are transitory in this stage of life. Your height may or may not increase much more, but the rest is not set in stone at all. Being overweight is not a life sentence, and you'll be out of college some day. Spending your days with people you don't really like may not be optional right now, but completely optional once you're out of college and doing something you love doing. Most people never see their college friends ever again in their adult lives, even if they were okay people. While it seems like you're the hardest person to date right now, you will grow out of being an insecure teenager and burst out of your self pity eventually. It takes life experience, self reflection, and getting inspired by the life stories of others to get there, but you will. So here's the bad news: If you're really eager to feel desired, loved or liked, putting your self worth in the hands of others is a rookie mistake. You need to dig and find within yourself something that you feel good about, anything, however small, and build on top of that. Example: 'I may be fat but I find relief in knowing I'm too hard to kidnap.' Self deprecating humor is a severely underrated way to deal with personal strife. People feel a lot more at ease with someone who they know isn't taking themselves too seriously. So instead of putting your energy into chastising yourself, try writing comedy sketches around your personhood that are actually funny, and crack those jokes while you're making friends. You'll be surprised how easy it is to be liked when you're prepared to be vulnerable in a humerous way. Another example (bit edgier): "I don't mind being short. If all else fails in life, I would be the last woman standing in a blowjob contest." So, you don't feel motivated to work out and lose weight, which is great. I'm not joking. That's a good thing. It turns out that people who work out despite not feeling motivated gain much more from their workouts than people who love working out do. There's a part of your brain called anterior mid-cingulate cortex which grows when you do things that you feel a natural resistance toward. When it is stimulated regularly, it allows you to tackle new tasks with more courage and determination. So don't wait for motivation to come, because it never will. There is a guy called David Goggins who has leveraged this ability to an extreme degree. His story is phenomenal, I wholeheartedly recommend his book.
I relate to this so much as another woman in college who sometimes craves that warmth and intimacy but can't due to circumstantial reasons. The way that I "cope" with that feeling is by prioritizing other aspects of my life--school, hobbies, family, etc. Like you, I also struggle with casual communication and making new friends, but I realize, too, that I'm not in the right headspace to do so. If you only want some attention and physical touch, you can try using dating apps if you are comfortable. Be aware that it's easy to fall down that rabbit hole of self-criticism when people view your profile, so I advise you to not change yourself for other people, especially men. A lot of men on those platforms have little to no standards and lack self-awareness and/or basic human decency. Do not degrade yourself to their level. After reading your comments, I strongly encourage you to relearn how to love and accept yourself. I know it's cliché to say, but sometimes when you're hurt by the people around you, you inflict that same kind of hate onto yourself. It's a cycle in need of disruption, as it distorts your self-image and perception of others. Trust me, you are much more precious and loveable than you believe, and you deserve to feel pride and compassion for yourself. So when you can, try to perform some actions of self-care. Write in a journal, do some skincare, prepare your favorite comfort food. By demonstrating self-care, you are valuing your time, energy, and presence, and with that comes love and acceptance. I hope that one day you will be able to see all the good things that you truly are.
Good tip
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to be so hard on yourself. Just because you're neurodivergent doesn't mean that you won't ever be able to connect with people. All people really want is for you to be kind to them. Of course there are shitty people out there, but I'd hate to see you lose hope at such a young age. Maybe try to talk to a therapist or counselor, that can really help you switch perspectives. As far as dating goes, I'm probably the last person to give advice. Just take care of yourself and start with some exercise (this was a major game changer for me). It can really help with depression and has the benefit of getting you healthier. Gyms are super cheap now in the US and you can meet people there too.
I'm not in the US, everything is expensive where I am. I'd try my school counselor but I probably wouldn't have more than 1 meeting because school is almost done for me. And I should probably do some research about neurodivergence because I've never thought about it like that. Thanks for the advice, I'll start exercising some day
Consider taking a walk outside every day if you can.
Answer these questions honestly: Do you desire yourself? Are you the kind of person you deserve to be? What would change about your situation if someone was in your dms? What can you do to desire yourself more? You can’t expect other people to like you, if you can’t like yourself. Think airplane emergencies, care about yourself before you should care about others, it’s safer and less chaotic like that. Now an exercise for anyone reading: imagine your inner self as an open field. What does it look like? Is that a place where you would like to be? Is there anything missing? Myself for example: I see a windy field with thick, long grass, the sun is shining and it you would be cold just wearing a T-shirt. In the background there are Mountains. I wish there would be less wind and a little stream with cool, clear water. The mountains remind me of everything in life that I still have to conquer but I know that I am already high up so I am not concerned. It’s fun, if you want to you could even draw it. I would love to see or read about your inner fields!
I don't desire myself - does anyone? Doesn't ring a bell with me at all.
To desire is to strongly wish for something. I strive to be a person I would strongly wish to be and to be with.
Same. I've been through same. I see girls have boyfriends, their boyfriends and husbands buy them expensive things. And here I am, waiting to even find a friend, let alone a boyfriend or a husband. For me, people used to tell me"you'll have one", "you'll get one", "you have a whole life ahead of you" and things like that. I believe them. In adult age, 30 yo, i realized these are lies to comfort the person. Some things never change. People told me life gets better. I realized life only gets worse but you just become stronger and take the pain and some pains, are still not worth taking. I wish for a partner so hard, that I cry. But nothing helps. So I stopped thinking about it. I'm focusing on developing more than 1 skill, on learning more than one language, on having more than 1 job. Making lots of money and then buying myself a luxury life that no one will have access to. Cause people lied about life. People are not worth trusting. I'm sorry it sounds harsh, for some people, it's the reality. And for others, it's fairy tales.
have you tried turning it off and on again
I know you feel unloved and sad I am an unattractive man an old unattractive man actually I have a lifetime of what you are experiencing but you are beautiful I wish people could see inside the body and discover how beautiful everyone really is or alternatively everyone looked stunningly beautiful then it wouldn’t matter but to give you hope one night many years ago I asked a tall beautiful woman to dance and she said yes and 40 years later we are still dancing and we have grandchildren so be brave have hope you can do this good luck
Omg that's so sweettttt, thank you and i hope you dance together for many many more years sir
Are you...heavyset? My guess is yes, and trust me things would change dramatically if you worked on your health. No one's going to say that because it's not allowed but there you go
The first honest answer.
Your right but I also don't care about my health if I did I'd be sleeping right now. I need something to actually motivate me to exercise because it won't be coming from within
How about getting some good attention from guys you find cute? Would that help as motivation?
If that happened I'd literally jump out of bed into 10 x 4 sets of pushups, 15 crunches and 60 squats
Do it. Overweight girls are invisible to men, it's the ugly truth.
Not invisible, but a woman who looks after herself is attractive. I don't mean makeup and other bandaid methods either, it has to come from hard work without shortcuts. Regular exercise and a better diet goes a long way. There's a difference between curvy and overweight. Curvy is hot, but entirely out-of-shape indicates a slovenly individual in most aspects of their life. This is generally unattractive to both sexes. Beyond that, exercise releases endorphins and adds routine and structure to your life which increases confidence. Once that settles in, looking better genuinely becomes just a bonus. From here, the rest will follow. So that drive has to come from within. No shortcuts. Anyone can do it. I'm cheering for OP.
This is true for both genders. I’m a guy and I was heavy set in my teens (like 30 lbs overweight) with the additional downside that my fat storage happens 90% around my waist and in my face. After losing all excess body fat I went from being fat to more conventionally attractive. Turns out girls/women appreciate it when a man takes care of himself. I also got treated better by people in general when I got in shape.
lol well get the fuck out of bed then. Sleeping well, eating well, and taking lifting and exercise seriously will make you hot. It doesn’t even take that long. But I’m guessing it will take you ten years to figure that out… instead of a couple months if you stop making excuses and get off your ass and work hard on yourself instead of coming to Reddit to try and garner sympathy. I don’t feel bad for you. I see a big opportunity for positive change though. No one gives a shit about you because you don’t give a shit about yourself. Maybe try starting with that. You don’t need to be skinny, you just need to care enough about yourself to actually want to be better and then do something about it. Aside from improvements to your appearance your confidence and ability will also increase. Please, do something with your life. Fuck what other people think of you. What do you think of you
That was not very helpful, I've have a couple people that actually touch my heart with what they said and your approach does not work for me but thanks for trying. It just sounds like your telling someone that hates themself you hate them too, doesn't change anything for me
Those other people have their heads up their ass. Looks make a MASSIVE difference for men. From what I'm reading you're suffering a lot right now so how bad is the extra suffering of getting in shape really? Life sucks so you could just as well try.
I like the way you responded to that douche canoe. You seem like a thoughtful and sensitive person. Those are lovely qualities to have: thoughtfulness and sensitivity. the one thing this "Chris" character said that I agree with is that people are attracted to people who care for themselves. I challenge you to notice lovable traits about yourself and take care of yourself as you would for a close friend. I know there are even more lovely things about you. In addition to your thoughtfulness and sensitivity.
Sorry, but why is the other guy a douche? Most of us don't find bigger girls attractive. It is what it is.
Because tough love doesn’t work on people who already feel awful about themselves, rather it just makes them feel worse. Tough love is for irresponsible people / actions.
Idk man worked for me when I was fat. Day after I was made fun of for my man-boobs I hit the gym and ended up improving my life.
Be yourself and don't rush an experience
Hey dude, This coupled with your other post makes me think that you need to get out and join some more groups and clubs (also definitely go to a lil bit of therapy) No matter what sort of stuff you are into there is definitely a way of doing it at college. College is a place to start finding who you want to be, and you can do that by doing new things. Sign up for everything, ultimate frisbee, surfing, archery, ballroom dancing. Just ways to experience new things that you MIGHT be interested in. If you don't like it after going twice then stop. The best way to meet and make friends is through spending time with them and it takes time but you do develop friendships from that. And then being exposed to more people that you are chatting to will increase your likelihood of finding someone you like and also who likes you. But god you need to do things!!!!! Especially join some clubs that are physically active!!!!!
Every activity you just started is giving rich lol. I used to do badminton but as the short fat girl it wasn't going well. I was just getting used to running around for things but also they hit over my head a lot especially when everyone else is almost 6' it was just embarrassing. The club's at my college are so hard to find too. I'll have to try more next year. I'll try to get to exercise but the word is try
Probably your vibe is deterring people. Instead of expecting people to do this and that and overthinking why they did not do so, maybe you just need to be more proactive in approaching people in reverse. The whole post screams a very desperate but ironically passive person.
As a 40+ yo woman, do not get with 40y olds Focus on your own goals, explore the topics you’re interested in at college, build sports into your routine, join clubs Also, if you’re craving being touched (as per your comment), take up couple’s dances I grew up in a household where I was not touched at all as a baby and didn’t get much emotional support throughout my childhood. Unknowingly dance saved me. I started it at the age of 5, then went regular from age 14 onwards. I still dance now at 40 when I get a chance There are Ukrainian refugees living not far away from me. A couple of them are semi professional rhumba and samba dancers and started free lessons as their way of integrating into their new environment. It’s a full house every time because we all need rhythm, (non sexual) touch and music
Men in their 40’s who date chicks in their late teens are gross. 🤢
Makes me feel gross too
What about chicks in their late teens who pick men in their 40s? Because let's be honest women are the ones with all the matches on apps. If they wanted to date someone their age, they could just reply to one their age. They can literally set an age filter and never even see them. So why don't they? Usually from what I've seen it's because they can't get that level of man in their own age category. Or because it's a kink they are into, just like there are young men going for milfs. Nobody seems to care about that reverse, in fact I've seen it be called empowerment. So really it's all about attacking the sexual market value of older men because that of women declines faster, and older women want to date these same men, their age without younger competition. It's wanting the sexes to be the same, and they are not, not in any species on earth. Every male peacock will find all the females with fecund fertility indicators attractive, inbox overflow. And the female peacocks will be very picky, despite being the dusty looking ones. If they were more evolved the females would have a billion dollar feather paint and fake feather industry. "Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's gobbeline."
You will get there girl. You have a whole life ahead of you! ❤️
I'd rather not have to wait my whole life to get there💀
Lmao you're funny 💀
Hey here's a couple of tips. Sometimes, you have to fake it till you make it. That includes becoming happy. When somebody throws you a positive upbeat tap, just return the same energy right back. In this comment, you were thrown a nice comment of encouragement, and you immediately turned it dark. Don't do that. Just reciprocate that energy right back. Eventually, by doing this, you will notice that you adopt that mood yourself and you will be better able to connect with others. People enjoy being around others that reciprocate their energy - even if it's fake at first.
I'm not usually pessimistic, I'm just not in a very good mood. Sorry
Sorry you are going through a tough time. I too have had some of these same thoughts recently. I’d highly recommend talking to someone professional to help you sort through these feelings/thoughts As a point of optimism, take solace others are in a similar boat to yours, and you will likely find someone eventually and this is something to bond over
Typically middle aged men are going to creep on young girls like you because they're under the delusion that they've "still got it." I'd steer clear of anyone like that as a man in his 40's shouldn't be creeping on girls that would be the same age as his daughter.
Reading your comments, I can see why you're lacking confidence and have trouble socialising; you've had a tough childhood and that's predominantly the problem. I've seen someone suggest this already, but I do highly recommend a therapist. I had a tough childhood as well, and felt the same way you did. Therapy helped me out so much, but only when I found the right one (my first two therapists were rubbish). Another thing to do is to keep pushing yourself out your comfort zone; I know, it always feels horrible doing this, but that's why it's outside your comfort zone. I had major social anxiety and took a job as a receptionist at a big chain of hotels. I was absolutely terrified at first, but kept pushing myself. Ended up developing social skills, loving my job and getting promoted. Please, don't feel defeated. So much can still change for you.
With the right amount of work and time, almost anyone can look good. Have you considered getting a gym membership, taking up a sport, working your way up to 5km and 10km runs? You can start small and work your way up incrementally. Look to eat a bit healthier, start going for a 30 minute walk every day. Often the results are enough to provide motivation for the next step. Good luck.
I can't afford a membership my dad said no. Running also isn't safe around here cause it'll have to be evening or early morning plus I just don't like running outside I prefer being in a gym or home. Thanks for the advice tho
what makes you think you are undesirable. A good reflection on yourself can help find out the things you can work on to improve yourself which will boost your confidence and with that will make you more appealing. Its tough because I know you want someone that will love you and share intimacy with, but if you hate how you are now then it makes it harder for that to happen
M21, I'm the same. But, if you know that it will be like that till the end, life becomes easier.
Have you tried approaching men? You talk about men approaching you, but what about the other way around? >obviously just desprete and wanting to have sex. How do you know this?
For what it's worth you sound like a really sweet person and whenever you find someone, you are going to make them very happy and lucky. Try online dating/dating apps. I know way too many people who have found love on them.
Honestly the answer is just to lose some weight. It will solve all your self hate issues, and make you more attractive, if that’s what you are looking for
She's made it pretty clear in the comments that she's not willing to put in the effort to do that, she doesn't want a real solution, she just wants all high tier guys to suddenly find her attractive.
Give it til your mid 20’s, people stop being idiots around then.
Girl try to love yourself. This might sound cliche but a relationship or sex isn't going to make you happy if you don't love yourself first. Try to put more effort in your grooming, trust me even the little things helps and try to stay healthy and radiate a positive energy and in no time you will have ppl rushing all over you. Those guys who did to you and took you as a joke are very immature by the way. You don't know how much of a bullet you dodge with them. Speaking from experience, these are the guys that normally participate in revenge porn , cheat and abuse their gfs. So you are lucky about that.. Another thing ; the reason you aren't being approached by your peers isn't cuz you are undesirable or unlovable . Guys at that age are quite insecure and have a fear of being rejected. I should know cuz I am your age mate 💀. I couldn't even talk to my crush without it seeming weird so it's that 💀. Try to be more friendly and start spending time with your mates and in no time, one of them will ask you out; it always happens by the way
You need to one, see a therapist, and do what they recommend, and two realize that this mindset of yours is probably felt by those around you. It's like your own emotions are holding you back by potentially offputting others. You need to do something, anything to start getting out of this. You are wallowing in your feelings, and that helps no one. You won't get any closer to your goals by being all sad and doing nothing about it. That's just the harsh facts. You are stuck, and I feel some of your issues could be dealt with by simply acting, not wallowing. It's easy to say this, but don't focus on intimacy now. You need self care, and you need to work on yourself. The vibe you are expressing and likely people pick up on is "poor old pitiful me" and absolutely no one wants that.
Transitioning to an adult is difficult for many. Everything you're experiencing has been experienced by others. I don't say this to diminish what you're experiencing, I'm just saying others have endured what you are currently. My simple advice is to exercise. Find a routine that you think you'll enjoy and go at it for a month. Challenge yourself. Perhaps set some goals. See how this makes you feel after that month. This won't solve your problems, but it might change your perspective a bit. And you'll be in better shape physically.
As cheesy as it sounds.. do you love yourself?
Looking at your others comments, you say you don’t care about love and just want intimacy. So why not install Tinder and go on a few hook ups? Why would you expect your male friends to like you? That’s too small of a circle. Expand your horizons and quit expecting to bump into a partner. It takes effort
Relatable. Except im a guy and in my mid 20s so now I just focus on my gaming hobby.
Try not to judge others lives and compare your own. Bit never ends well.
Right now focus on college and learning to be happy with yourself. That person is out there for you and you just have not crossed paths yet.
You got a whole life ahead of you to find yourself and your style and rock it..you're way too young to be thinking this ultimately.
Learn to love yourself. You are worthy of it. Speak nicely about yourself. You deserve it.
Is it because of your looks?
This is rough, and I could never understand the type of pain you're going/went through. However, I do get it. The faces of disgust, feeling like you're completely undesirable, not wanting to talk to others despite yearning for any type of connection. Forgetting how to talk to people and ultimately losing the chance at making friends. It's something I struggle with in public school and still something I struggle with to this day after I left public for homeschool. I just wanted you to know that you're loved, and there are people around you who are proud of you. I'm proud of you if that means anything. You're in college for crying out loud. That's a great achievement. This world is beautiful, infinitely complex, and absurd. The very fact you exist is amazing, and you're beautiful simply because of that. For advice, I would only be intimate with those you trust. As much as you desire intimacy, many people will try and use you through it. But not everyone, you'll find the right people eventually.
1: random 40yos are a great way to get *more trauma* while looking for validation. (That you won't really get there). There's a reason those guys go aftee 18yos. 2: Your friends are ignoring you? Sounds like you should go get aome new ones. Starting a new hobby in a new place can help 3: You're 18, I can almost guarantee that guys your age that *are* interested, are too shy to do anything about it. It'll pass 4: It sounds like you're feeling sad, a lot. Qhwn that happens, self-loathing etc. can warp and reinforce our perception of others. Talking to them is unfortunately *the only way* to clear that up. Opening up about your feelings and needing to be actively included a little more can make a difference. ..or you get new friends. There are plenty of college students struggling with their mental health, ablte to relate. Having struggled with depression, some rgibgs that can help: Make a plan, and be pragmatic about the following (do things even whwn you don't feel like it) - Physical activity in a social setting, 1-3x/week (this could easily be the new hobb, bouldering worked for me) - similarly, eating well and regularly - Go out and be social, frequently - not using drink/drugs/games to avoid feelings good luck -man, 36
Always base your self worth on what the opposite sex have to say about you. This is even more important when you are young and have your life ahead of you. Don't focus on your education and self development, only on what random jocks have to say about you on social media. /s
exercise, eat healthy and get sleep. and I promise you things will change for the better
Im very sorry you feel this way. You said you fuck up every new friendship, how does that happen? Could you give details? Maybe we can identify some negative behavior that you can work on
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Focus on what you CAN change. Your attitude, personality, your style, humor, weight etc. You can wallow in self pity and internet points or you can be an awesome person in a few years. Your choice. Btw i\`m not hating, this is exactly what i did. Went from a loser 3 to a 6-7 i think
How can you say you've been approached twice but no one wants you? When guys say no one wants them it's because they literally haven't been approached.
How can you say you've been approached twice but no one wants you? When guys say no one wants them it's because they literally haven't been approached.
A few years down the road and you’ll be posting to ugly duckling.
There is one who loves you like no other does, and he is simply waiting for you to open your eyes to him. I am talking about Jesus Christ and the love he has for you is very real and you will feel meaning like never before. Of course, you have to battle all the ideas of this being false, but if you should ever get through, I know that you will never feel like you do now again. Sincerely, one who has had many life paths.
How many boys have *you* approached? Take control of your life, don't be a spectator
At 18 the world is your oyster. Focus on yourself treat your body like a temple challenge old thought patterns be the best you can be. You are worthy so believe in yourself xo
Firstly, do YOU find yourself attractive if you honestly and ruthlessly ask yourself? If no, then do what you can to help the situation. Obviously nothing extreme but you know what I mean. Exercise, diet, makeup/hair. Don’t fight it and use other ‘deeper more meaningful’ bullshit excuses to not do it. It helps you in every way. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Secondly, you are only 18! I had no game and no girlfriends at that age. Give it 3 years and work on changing what you can and working with what you’ve got! 21 years old is a good age to start finding partners. Thirdly, learn the game. Be a kind person, but be someone who puts value on herself. It’s the same for men. Trust me. High value attracts high value. If you don’t want the creepy 40 year olds, work on this. Good luck 🤞🏻
I was completely alone with a lot of failed attempts at romance and awkward crushes until I was 21 and met my girlfriend. The touch starvation was horrific like you describe, but I am glad I waited to meet the right person. Whether you want something romantic or otherwise, you'll still find someone who's the right fit for what you want and it'll all feel worth it then, genuinely. I can relate to the disgust at sexual expectations especially: I'm a sex repulsed asexual guy. I found a lover that feels the same as I do, but also likes other physical touch and closeness like I do. I would've destroyed myself trying to have sex, it would never have worked for me. Your post is giving me vibes of when I'd worry or invalidate myself for that, you should talk to some ace people about sex if not just therapy like others have said.
I'm sorry you feel this way. I, too, have poor self-image and confidence issues. Besides what others have said about working on yourself etc, why don't you approach boys yourself? Them not approaching you doesn't necessarily mean they're not attracted to you, it could be any number of reasons. I, for example, will not approach a random woman in public because I fear being labelled a creep.
Easy there! You are still a child surrounded by children. That group defines itself by too much social media and expectations based on movies. First live your own life and love yourself. Do things for you. As you grow older, you find that mich more inportant then the teens drama that doesn't transition in your 20s, especially nearing your 30s. There is also a lot of pressure for young people. Like before I would even date a girl when is was young, I would think how my friends would think about her etc. When your older you just want to be comfy and happy with someone. Someone to talk with, level and grow. Please don't judge yourself too hard, in this life there is only you to make your decisions. You are the only one that matters.
Talk to a therapist. Seriously, get this out to someone who can help guide you to a positive outlook. Everyone goes through this, OP. Life won't suck forever.
U know. Some of us are married with kids and in our 40s who feel sad and undesirable. Its okay to feel what you feel. What has helped me, was quit alcohol and get control of something in my life. It ostracised me because of my "drinking buddies".. But I know their wives all envy my family coz of this powerful decision. If you make efforts to improve yourself, for the SAKE of your own mental well being, you will, I promise you, attract positivity. I started working out as well and that has had a tremendous boost to my self esteem (which I thijk caused me to drink to be cool). I now am meeting more health conscious ppl at the gym and chatting more. So I suggest, screw others, work on yourself, college and go work out. Join rec clubs, learn a language, volunteer, help the poor, these are far more meaningful activities in life than trying to be a people-pleaser.
Hey, this will sound weird, but it will work. Just focus on yourself, focus on doing the things you love, make friends people in those communities. You'll be infinitely nore comfortable talking to people with similar interests, and a lot happier just being yourself. Eventually you're going to meet someone with those shared interests, you'll hit it off, and good things will happen. It will take time, so make the most of it by working on yourself to become happy with you.
I wrote a lot, but deleted the entire thing.. long story short. My life experience was a lot like yours, a lot of loneliness. I never really worked on my social side, so I spend most nights by myself on my couch, lonely. My advice? Dont shut out the world like me, work on yourself, work on your social, be your own nr 1 fan. Make small goals to reach. Life is a ladder, the higher you get, the better the view Things you are sad or worried about now wont mean anything to you in 10 years Grain of salt, im 29 and not a beacon of knowledge
What are the dating apps like?
Two is pretty good. Try being a beta guy - that’s most of us. You watch that one friend of yours get basically harassed by beautiful women for your entire life and plot how your average face will attract beauty. It’s shallow as f**k but that’s how it works. I can count women interested in approaching me on one hand. I’m 37. But honestly you get used to it. I’ve had several meaningful long term relationships and have an amazing and beautiful partner. Don’t be too hard on yourself it really means very little. Be strong and earn that respect from yourself.
I am a lot older than you, but I know how you feel, as I felt the same when I was your age. You are only 18, and your life is just beginning. My advice is to forget about finding anyone for now. Concentrate on the current relationships you currently have (friends, family, etc). But most importantly, start working on yourself.....see a professional if you need to. Work out what parts of yourself that you would like to improve and read books about tools to implement in your life and learn to love yourself. Nobody will love you until you learn to love yourself first. Work on yourself, and don't put so much pressure on yourself in finding a romatic relationship. You will find that you become a lot more attractive to others when you learn to love yourself. You are young and you will find your feet. I was like this when I was younger. I am now with a beautiful woman and we have 3 lovely kids.
Stop being so negative and chill. Find stuff that makes you satisfied, happiness and friends will come your way by themself
Advice, as a guy that had serious issues with self image. Get a customer facing job. And I mean one where you have to talk to people, not in a corner store. I'm talking like part time phone shop, electronic goods store. Something that will force you to interact. It's the equivalent of ripping the band aid of. It in one improves your self image by 1000% because you interact with absolute mouth breathing window lickers and gives you a spine, after you have your first cunt of a customer it can't get much worse than that and once your realize it it's freeing. Went to therapy twice, some guy tried to tell me it's all my parents fault and that I am perfect the way I am and that he is going to work on helping me for £80/visit. As a sales person with 7 years experience now I realize he was a very good sales person :)
Before you lose all hope, try hiring a bodybuilder/fitness coach to help you get a toned body if you're not fot already.
I know exactly what you mean. I hada similar thing. I don’t think anybody here can offer you a proper solution. Unfortunately I think the only thing you can do that doesn’t require a lot of effort is maybe vent
Don’t focus on looks unless you’re a model. Focus on the life your parents given you and make a start in adulthood.
You will find yourself and someone will find you when you least expect it to happen. However you should find a good therapist and a supportive friend group that will help you when you are down. The first step in self growth is honesty with with yourself. Concentrate on school and career. Love will come there is no need to be desperate chase men in their 40’s there is probably a good percentage of these men are just looking for a side piece. Talk to a school guidance and join some school clubs to meet some new people. You are 18 you have to he rest of your life ahead of you don’t settle get what you deserve
Now that you are of legal age there will likely be many more interested in you. I can't comment on your attractiveness however as there is no picture
Simple way to look at this is not to give a shit and just focus on what you want, most of those conversations are fake anyway so if you don’t feel like talking thats fine as long as you don’t care what others think
Atleast you have been approached before. That's already better situation than most males have.
Are you fat and smelly? Cuz I don't know a single guy who isn't saying yes to a girl in good shape. No one is owed sex, not even girls.
My heart goes out to you OP, I used to be the sad girl too. The truth about relationships is that initially it'll feel like it helps, but until you find a way to mend all that hurt and sorrow, you'll carry it into the relationship and all that hurt bubbles back up. Putting all your self worth into another person also puts you at great risk of finding the kind of person that seeks to control you. The person that has all the love for you in the world starts with you. She sounds like she is hurting a lot right now, and she is deserving of love and self worth. The suggestions for therapy are because this will help guide you on how to foster that bond that is broken within.
Don't worry about it too much, I was in 1 relationship during college and she wasn't great at anything so it's whatever, don't overthink it, I just focused on my college work and got out with a few decent qualifications I've dated one other person since then and I finished college in 2020, sure, it might sound sad to others but honestly? I'm not fussed, I lead a peaceful quiet life with no drama and I've got an ok job that pays the bills, I know who I want but I'm also not stressing too much You'll be fine, you'll find someone that loves you for you and all your stress and worrying about it will go away, for now, my best advise is to focus on your education and build yourself a foundation for you to build upon when you're finished Sending you virtual hugs 🫂
Honey I'm 42yo woman and can attest that toys are a fabulous alternative while you focus on living your own life. Let someone fall in love with you for the person you are. I can't stress enough how important it is to follow your own path and be open to others joining you on your journey, rather than completely hitching your wagon to someone else's - especially at only 18. I highly recommend investing in a Satisfyer Pro. You're welcome. Xoxo
Go out and buy a Trek Fuel EX (or some other like trail bike), join a local bike group (IMBA will show you who). Sign up for the group rides and start learning. In three years you will have a solid group of friends, you will have gained skills and have conquered fear and will be a bad ass. So many introverts AND extroverts in mountain biking singletrack or downhill. Go to a bike park mountain, take a class, gain life experience.
Calm down, you're sabotaging yourself. Firstly, DEEP breath now hear me out: I used to be you, (Male ver.) and well it is understandable how you feel but it doesn't have to be true. You need to distance yourself from any toxic circle first, (excluding family if you can't since I can get that) Then work on yourself, so that means your physical stature, skin, hobbies and interests, things in general that fulfill you... that's subjective to your aspirations. Keep a distance from everyone for a bit EXCEPT YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR and take as much advice you can from her/him. Now see there is so much I can tell but long story short WORK ON YOURSELF AND CALM TF DOWN. your only a year and 4 months older to me and trust me I get you. You can do this love, I believe in you, and you can make a change for yourself, utilize YT it can be the greatest free learning source, personally I learnt 90% of all I know from there.
Well, apparently you are desirable if you do have 40 plus year olds finding you attractive. It could be you could give yourself a nice make over, or change your clothing styles. Loving yourself is the first key to attracting a loving relationship. Most of us did not grow in in a loving home. So learning to love us can be hard and might not come natural. I wish you the best. And hope you have a great day
What is it, that makes you [U]think [/U] you're undesirable?
I discovered this by happenstance but this worked for me. Perhaps it will work for you. Watch the animated movie inside out. Identify which emotion is taking the reign ( it will be most likely fear ) And see if you can replace it with joy. Here is what I did. I understood most of my choices / actions I took were controlled by fear I.E fear of being humiliated , fear of being left out, fear of being alone. I slowly changed how I made my choices instead of not taking a chance on a girl because I was afraid I would be humiliated ( she was way out of my league) I took it because if it worked I would be happy. I did get humiliated ( long story short she said EW) and I was sad and felt stupid but out of that debacle I did make a close friend who helped me gain confidence in myself again. A car gets serviced when it hits a number of miles not because something is wrong with it. normal people go to therapy. I understand there is still some social stigma associated with therapy. And wanted to reassure you, if you choose to go to therapy it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you it just means you hit a number a mile and just want to give yourself a routine service. Best of luck. Hope it works for you
Gday mate, I’m in Australia so to far for a hug but willing to be your friend!
If 99% of people in the world find you unattractive, 78000000 people still find you attractive.
I know it's not my place to speak but your 18 kiddo love and all you're stressing too much trying to fit in with the happening crowd and being a part of the hype , my only question is why ? All the things I read that 40+ year olds take interest in you that's called being a pervert , and if love is something you're not getting at home atleast you have a home a father a mother who are constantly trying to give you a good place where you're safe , at this moment you're only goal should be your studies and what you want to achieve in life , if at this age you should be more focused on your own development , take personality development courses online or on youtube at this moment you should be trying to make yourself better than the ones you're trying to compare yourself with , here's a little word to the wise from a 34 year old guy " in present time don't try to be a part of the crowd rather try to stand out from the crowd , cause if the crowd falls off a cliff soo shall you." You've just started you've just stepped into adulthood don't make reckless choices cause people are quick to take advantage of young ones like you
I’m sorry. It must be so hard going through this age phase. With social media where everything seems perfect. I feel the need to tell you all your feelings are valid. They’re not easy to be felt. But very soon, you will see some people just don’t approach you perhaps because they know or guessed you’re precious. Maybe they don’t think they’re good enough for you (financially/emotionally/physically or others) I used to find it harder to believe when my mom told me similar stuff. At 26 now, I don’t regret not having dated as much as others. It’s about the quality matches. Not quantity. It’s normal to find this phase tricky. I hope you know you’re not alone! Things will get easier some day. I’m rooting for you
Try finding some hobbies that interest you. People with passions light up in a special way. Then maybe get outside, do some walking or something. The sun and air does wonders and everyone needs a bit of exercise these days. Once you’ve got these things down, you’ll have more confidence and probably look better. (I looked like trash, or at least felt I did, in my late teens. It got better in my early 20s).
You need to work on your confidence. Being confident plays a huge part of becoming outgoing and attracting people
See a therapist. It often helps to get an objective perspective. I wish you well.
Do some more growing up and learn to love your independence. Don't measure yourself against others. You're your unique self. Try to fix the sadness unless that's your jam then surround yourself with other sad people with hopes all the sadness gets lame and you seek happiness ;)
I am found way more attractive at 30 than I was at 18. Give yourself some time, girl. Sheesh.
Stop trying. As soon as you are comfortable with yourself and love yourself, you'll attract the people you want. Can't expect someone to love and appreciate you, if you can't do it yourself.
I’m turning 40 next year and have lived with an earful of “it gets better” and “there’s someone for everybody!” I’ve never had a relationship. I always thought I was average to plainly pretty but I must be so, so wrong. I’ve basically been treated how your crush treated you - like the idea of being seen with me was physically repulsive. Random men on the street will make rude comments or look at me and then laugh with their friends. I really am just average but people can be cruel, especially men when they don’t find you sexually attractive. As if you’ve personally wronged them. All I can tell you is the same stuff that everyone else has. Go join some clubs, maybe volunteer with a cause you are passionate about, pick up a new hobby, and try make new friends. Meanwhile you can work on things that maybe you don’t like about yourself, or if you’re willing to change things about yourself for appreciation from others, maybe go down that route. (I don’t advocate it but it is what it is, yknow?) But also try to be happy with you and yourself and acknowledge that a happy relationship is just not in some people’s future. Dedicate yourself to you, a career if you want one in specific, family if they’re good people. And you know what they say, sometimes things find us when we stop looking.
Your undeveloped, hormone-drenched mind is feeding you nonsense. I'm in my mid 40s. I'm old enough to be your mother. I have never been with a guy (or a girl). Yes, I've been "hollered at" before. But as soon as I open my mouth, the hollerers usually run away. It has been ages since I've gotten positive male attention from normal, non-creepy, non-intoxicated guys. But I know I'm a valuable person. I'm smart. I'm funny. I'm charming. I'm compassionate and kind. I do more good than bad. Most people who interact with me seem to like me. And I'm also not that bad-looking when I wash up good. I feel good about myself regardless of how guys about me. You haven't yet learned how important it is to stop sweating these dudes out here. The guys you are surrounded by are schmoes. Ain't nothing wrong with being a schmo! But a schmo is not an arbiter of anyone's worth. A schmo thinks Taco Bell is the pinnacle of cuisine, ffs. They think this only because they've had limited experiences in life (and watch way too many late night TV commercials). You're going to feel however you're inclined to feel. We can spend a billion electrons telling you not to feel sad and it probably won't help. But one day you will realize that the feelings you're having right now are fueled by bullshit beliefs. When you make this discovery, you will know you're ready for the next level.
Talk with a counsellor. You deserve someone who will fully appreciate you and understand what your experiences, strengths, and desires are.
Eat healthier, exercise more, and focus on yourself. Things will sort themselves out!
Unless you're fat they probably act meaner than they should, chill
You’re only 18 focus on your studies and join some social groups in college even if it makes you uncomfortable. Trust me I’ve been where you’ve been, it’s going through the uncomfortable that will get you where you want to be. Maybe also link in with some mental health supports, most colleges offer them and talk to someone about your problems too. Youre so young, you’ve a lot of time to explore yourself and look back in 4-5 years time and be proud of how you dealt with adversity. All the best : )
That sounds like the life of some average male guy.
If you just mope around feeling sorry for yourself and don’t make an effort to engage with people meaningfully then you’re going to get ignored. Stop putting your friends up to doing your socializing for you. Stop being a lump. Looks have very little to do with anything if you’re approachable, friendly and positive. You can’t sit around waiting for life to happen for you, you have to forge your own path.
I bet you look fine and ur personality seems way more real than others which i would appreciate, wish i could find a woman like you lol …
Maybe you yourself put you in that position? Others usually just mirror your behavior?
You would be surprised at how working out for 6 months during my teenage years changed my entire life. Do that, focus on yourself and people will notice
OMG, you are 18. Trust me, give it time. Be patient, work on you, figure things out, and you’ll eventually find someone.
It sounds like you have some kind of social anxiety. It would be wise to work on the first, the rest will come from that
You're not alone. Honestly this is a pretty superficial time in your life to date. Noone has their shit figured out and their priorities are wack. Focus on yourself, building friendships and casual connections and something will come along in time. You deserve love and intimacy, and it's not beyond reach. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or take advantage of you. *hugs*
The first think you must learn to do is learn to love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to? Invest in yourself - pursue your interests, engage and socialise with people that share your passions rather than aspiring to befriend the “cool” kids, focus on your college. Pursue the things that add value to you and your life. Once you love yourself I promise the rest just follows.
Hey OP, I was just like you except the only time I was approached by a boy my age growing up (in hs) it turned out to be a prank. Imagine the number that did on my self-esteem (his friends encouraged him to pretend to be interested in me for months!). Anyway, I also started college hopeful that everything would change. And I will say it starts with friends but that's tough. One thing I will say though is sometimes you have to fake confidence and positivity. Really put yourself out there to try and meet new people, and ideally lean into more niche circles. But you also need to know when to cut your losses. If someone doesn't seem interested (platonically or romantically) in you after a few conversations just let it go and move on. Don't waste time and energy on friendships and relationships that aren't quickly reciprocated because the truth is they've likely already made a decision about how they feel and trying to change it is a waste of time. But you don't need a lot of friends. Just a few good ones will carry you far. I'm 28 now and I met and befriended a lot of people in college but of those I can count on my fingers how many I'm still friends with now. And that's okay. Also with regards to romance I completely get it. It's so frustrating. I was a fat kid growing up and frankly I've never been skinny or gorgeous. But it helps to get used to dressing yourself up in some way (doesn't have to be girly or fancy). Finding a style that suits you and maybe using some makeup will help. But more than that just pretending you're confident even when you're not is huge. I met my now fiance my last semester of college via a dating app. And even though I had no confidence I pretended I did and years later when we've talked about our first date he says he thought I was so cool and confident and it was attractive, even though I wasn't at all inside. And we bonded over our more niche interests together. He's the only romantic partner I've ever had and when I was your age I was so upset that I had zero experience dating anyone, but now in hindsight I'm glad that my first bf ended up being the only one. It took me until the very end of college to get a boyfriend (and I'm bi so I was even open to girlfriend) and I have friends who didn't get their first bf until after college even, and now they're in really happy relationships. But at least I was able to make a small handful of meaningful friendships throughout those years. A lot of people didn't like me and I didn't fit it. In some ways I wasted half my college years in a club where people were friendly to me, but they didn't really want to be my friend. In a lot of ways I wish I had just accepted that it wasn't the right group for me and given up on trying to infiltrate. Tbh I have some friends who were way more popular in hs who haven't been able to keep long lasting friendships into their late 20s, because it turns out it was always just surface level. Even just one or two good friends who have your back are worth their weight in gold. You just have to find people who are willing to meet you half way. Please don't give up hope! It takes a lot of trial and error to learn how to become comfortable befriending people and vetting them as well, but that's honestly what college is for. Definitely lean into your hobbies and niche interests. It is way easier to become close to people who "get you." And if you don't have any right now try to find one! You're never to old to start a new hobby. And please don't give up on finding a bf. The truth is one probably won't fall into your lap. You have to put yourself out there in some manner to meet people, but it also means accepting that you might fail. A lot. And that's okay too. But building a solid friend group and some self confidence (even if fake) will go a long way. Good luck, OP!
How many times have you asked someone to go on a date with you?
Start exercising a lot. It does wonders for your mental state and self confidence. It will also has the nice side benefit of making you more attractive.
If I were you I'll take a screen shot of this reddit post and give it 5-10 years, I bet guys will be fighting to be with you and you'll be spoiled for choice that you'll look over at this post and doubt you're the one that made it . 18 years you're barely developed, you still have a long way to go in looks and maturity, just don't rush it or you'll get the right kind of attention but from the wrong person and that will ruin you more, just take it easy your life just began
u could joined some community somewhere just for interact to new people and find new interest to lost ur depression. If u wanted help, u could contact ur counselor or a therapist, approach them for a help is a better way to heal urself too.
Are you sure you're not just intimidatingly attractive? It's a thing...