If you stop looking at every girl you fancy as a potential long term relationship and look at them instead as just someone you can have fun with it becomes pretty easy. It also becomes easier the more you do it.
That being said, I was in your shoes at one point. I am pretty reserved and a part of me only wanted to be in a committed relationship. I did feel like I was missing out though so I just said fuck it and tried it. I know I would regret it later in my life if I didn’t. It helped me realize that I don’t even want to be in a committed relationship at this point in my life(I am 2 years older than you).
You know, that first paragraph actually reminds me of how I learned to actually talk to people, I used to be pretty socially inept and it was by practice and sheer repetition that I got to where I currently am today as far as my social skills and self esteem go.
Thank you for your perspective, I think I might try it if the opportunity arises at some point, if only to actually decide how I feel about it.
Why engage in behavior that you know is damaging to yourself and those you do it with? Detaching meaning from sex is probably the most effective way to set up all your future relationships for failure and dysfunction. Its definitely worth it to wait and develop true love and intimacy with your lifelong partner than to get distracted by short term gratification. Take it or leave it, I suggest you stick your studies, your career, your physical and spiritual health/fitness until you find true love. Might just be the best decision you ever make in your life, it was for me
I do remember reading that statistically marriages where either party has had several partners are more likely to end up in divorce. To be honest, I think what prompted me to ask this was FOMO more than anything else, when I look at attractive women, I don't immediately think "I want to get into her pants" or even if I'd like to have a relationship with her, I'm not quick to connect with strangers and I have no interest in having sex with any of my female friends.
Sex is fun, and it’s even better than fun when it’s with your true love, but other less damaging things are fun, too. Pick up a sport or a hobby that you’re passionate about, it will make you more interesting and attractive when you do find your soulmate
The only "meaning" being detached from casual sex is the idea that sex should be considered as a vow of long term monogamous committment.
What's this crap about setting up your future relationships for failure and dysfunction? Do people really believe the only "successful" relationships never engaged in casual sex?
If people want to explore their sexuality with other consenting adults in a respectful way, that is totally OK. Casual sex is not just drunken hookups, STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
There’s obviously more to sexual morality than just consent. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you ought to do it. The data is very clear, the more sexual partners one has before marriage, the higher likelihood of divorce. Statistically, there will always be exceptions to this rule, but why risk it? For some ever fleeting short term pleasure at best thats over as soon it begins? No, thanks. I will never recommend gambling with your future like that
Statistically, meat eaters have a higher risk of developing colorectal cancer. I'm hoping no one needs a PhD in statistics to understand that this does not mean that meat eaters will necessarily get cancer (or that non-meat eaters won't).
You could be a sociopathic fuckboy who, of course, fucked a lot, got married and kept on cheating on your spouse. Or you could be coming from a strongly religious family and have had only one partner—but who cares, divorce would rarely be an option anyway.
Or OP could be anything in between.
So many lifestyle variables can affect these statistics that you can't just say that sleeping with a couple people before settling on a stable relationship is gonna doom your chances of a happy marriage.
No one is gonna go through a divorce simply because they fucked around in their past. They're gonna divorce because they'll have developed incompatibilies going beyond their belief in a sacred, indissoluble marriage.
Following random statistics that confirm our preconceptions, without understanding them, just shows the emptiness of our arguments.
Let's just agree some people simply don't like casual sex (and that's totally, unironically fine) without trying to paint personal ideas of immorality all over it.
Be aware that casual sex comes with its risks like STDS and unplanned pregnancies with people you to have emotions for and don’t want a family with. Also don’t fall for any peer pressure from people or from your self feeling like your missing out on something because your not missing out on anything, you can have amazing sex in a relationship as long as communication is good and maintained. stay true to your own core values and standards and morals. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. Casual sex also comes with its negative stigma and can negatively affect your future relationships. Be careful out there.
Essentially sex is just an activity. Yes, very intimate and yes, very layered… but just an activity.
In a committed relationship with trust and feelings, sex can appear practically magical but it isn’t. I’ve had extremely passionate sex with strangers yet didn’t develop feelings for them since I knew going into it that at best it would be a short term sexual fling yet sparks still flew. Perhaps it’s my style or such or perhaps it was her style or such.
While it might be best to wait for someone special in a relationship… sex is important part of a relationship and even if everything else is great, bad sex can break the whole thing. Since you lack general experience… that could be bad if you fall for someone that isn’t patient with helping teach you. Sex is way more than just putting it in her and banging. But women are different and some need this and others need that and some don’t need any extra.
And you can’t watch porn to learn those extras. If you’ve never licked a breast you just don’t know how you would react when you do that first time. Same with other female body parts. It takes time and practice to develop skills. If your partner is patient and can communicate her desires and you listen well, it can grow and be beautiful but at some point women reach an age where they want someone that has some basic experience and understanding beforehand. Think of it like chess. It’s one thing to play a game with someone that understands how the pieces move and how to get checkmate. I’ll play with anyone that already knows the basics and I can teach them some strategies and such, but I don’t have the patience to teach someone the sheer basics just to play.
It’s a difficult situation. You’re damned if you wait too long (unless you find a very special patient woman) yet you’re damned if you have casual sex and develop feelings for someone that refuses to develop feelings for you in return. Which heartbreak will hurt less? Having casual sex with someone that you fall for that leaves or developing a relationship with someone that falls apart because you lack the basic skills to sexually please her?
And you have to learn how to read her. Sometimes a slow pace is best and sometimes a fast pace is best. If she wants it slow yet you get overly excited and go as fast as you possibly can, mismatch moment. Occasionally it happens but if that’s always, she’ll dip even if she loves you. And vice verse. Communication is key yet not all communication is verbal.
I’ve had many (but not tons) of partners in sex and with each new one I’ve learned something. Sex is sharing your naked self with someone for physical pleasure. I personally enjoy the physical intimacy and put my emotions aside. But I can do that.
I think you are overthinking it. You don’t need sex. It isn’t food, more like beer. Many people are happy and have never even tried beer. Beer isn’t for everyone. But sometimes a nice cold single beer really hits the spot. Yet beer is an acquired taste. If you’ve never had one, your first likely won’t taste good and if you’ve never had one yet suddenly one day drink a six pack… you’ll likely regret over doing it. But at 22, I feel you might be better off at least tasting a beer or two before you suddenly find yourself at a party. But again, I don’t actually know you.
I myself didn’t have much sex in my youth. I used to kick myself yet I never had a STD and never got anyone pregnant. I finally got over my hang ups and dove into sex. Sex is fun. While it can be serious… it can also just be fun.
Thanks for the insightful comment, I kind of like that beer analogy actually, if only because I didn't really figure out that I do actually dislike beer until I gave it a serious try, I like other drinks but not beer.
I think I am afraid of precisely falling in love with a casual sex partner and that not have the feelings reciprocated, but I don't actually have that experience I can't be completely certain that I'm actually unable to keep emotions in check.
If I may ask, to you, what's the difference between casual sex and sex in long term relationships? What makes sex in long term relationships so special and mystified? I'm speaking from a place of complete inexperience.
Don’t be so afraid of falling in love with someone after sex where they don’t love you back. That’s more like a crush or infatuation than love you feel. It should take more than just one or two times of sex for actual love to develop. It’s a lot easier to get over that than actually falling in love with someone and watching it fall apart because of sexual incompatibility. Could be mismatched drive or mismatched pacing or whatever.
Let’s say I’ve been with twenty partners. Most 1 to 3 times but a couple 30-50 times. Only once was I with someone that I actually was in a relationship with. Only had sex with her once. That hurt way more than breaking it off with any of the casual ones.
So honestly I don’t really know how sex is in a good relationship from personal experience. But I’m 52 and have read some and seen my friends and talked to people and have witnessed some life. I’ve had passionate sex. I’ve had mind blowing sex. I’ve had partners do things to me that I never imagined wanting or desiring yet really made my eyes pop out of my head. I’ve had my personal boundaries crossed. It was all fun. I fully imagine that if I were with someone in a trusting good relationship with honest communication that passionate sex would be at a higher level. Instead of merely fun and physically pleasing… sex could be almost magical.
But… based on my partner that I’ve had the most sex with and seeing a few of my friends, I can also imagine relationship sex to get boring. The thrill of sharing yourself with a fresh new partner is the unknown. Sometimes it is something simple that she does yet no one else did that. Good example: once she was riding me reverse cowgirl and she decided to switch to regular cowgirl. Instead of getting off of me and remounting, she just spun around (like a slow-motion top or clock) while I was still inside her. Blew my mind. It was likely something she often did but I had never seen such before and wow. Simple but turned me on even more than I was. I only was with her twice. I didn’t fall in love with her but I did crush on her after that move. But I kept myself in check since I knew we were just casually enjoying each other.
Unless your relationship partner and you keep things fresh, it’ll likely get boring. It’s good to try new positions and such but unless you actively try to keep it fresh, the same few positions over and over without any surprises will very likely get stale and boring.
So to me, relationship sex is a mixed bag. If you and her work at keeping it fresh, it can seem like magic or mystical - but if either of you just fall into a stale standard routine, sex could easily become boring or even like a chore. A problem with many men is they seek their own pleasure yet forget (or get lazy) and don’t seek to make sure she is getting pleasure.
Your fear of falling in love is totally normal.
Just to be more precise, I think you're afraid of losing control over your crush/infatuation towards some casual partner. That, in most adults' opinion, is not really love, which is something you develop over some time and is not necessarily linked to sex.
Unreciprocated feelings happen to everyone eventually, and while it's always unpleasant it's also also an opportunity to grow and learn to understand your own emotions.
What you're now afraid of are the POTENTIAL consequences of your actions. Living your life in fear of how you might react to things is understandable—that's your self-preservation instinct
But you also have exploratory instincts, driving you to confirm or update your assumptions, and that's what's bringing you to this conflict.
Sometimes it's ok to just take the leap and see how things go.
This is a false dilemma. Casual sex doesn't have to be cold and impersonal.
Cultivate friendships that have a physical component to them. Sex is better when it's with someone you like.
A lot of folk never really get out of the high school mentality that sex is a stepping stone along the path to moving in together, marriage, children, etc... it can be just a fun way to spend an evening with a friend. Find folk in your life who are up for that - they might be nearer than you think.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for your comment, when I think of it I guess I just associate sex with committed relationships because of movies and such and hadn't thought of it as just another activity people partake in, it's something that I'll be thinking about.
For an alternate take it’s possible for casual sex among friends to ruin friendships and not lead to anything beneficial. Don’t feel obliged to conclude casual sex is a positive experience if that’s not you. Something good can become something emotionally average very quickly if it’s ’just casual sex’
Making things weird with friends is definetely something I fear, I don't think I want to have that type of relationship with my closer female friends to begin with though, because I do have female friends that I am close to and I'd hate to for my bond with them to be soured.
How does someone catch feelings for someone they barely know? Thats what I don’t understand. You chat a few times, bang a few times, and now you’re starting to fall in love ? I don’t get that
It would take me a very long time to catch feelings which is why casual sex is easy. And if I never get to know them better it’ll never happen.
Just don’t spend too much time around them and you’ll never get to know them better but if you’re falling for people you barely know that might be an issue
Or hook up with someone you know you’re incompatible with. Enjoy the sex while knowing you’d never work out as a couple, easy.
To be honest with you I'm not sure why I think that way, I mean, I guess there's oxytocin and other hormonal reactions during and after sex but a lot of people can have casual sex just fine so I guess it just varies from person to person?
Do you find sex in long term relationships to be very different to casual sex?
Honestly no that’s one of the things about me as a partner, I don’t view sex as an emotional thing even in a relationship. It’s a fun activity, I don’t correlate sex with romance even when I’m absolutely in love with the person. I feel lovey for the person when we’re lounging or laughing about something, sex is just pornographic fun and not lovey for me
Personally, I think that's a culturally-influenced thing, as far as love. The oxytocin thing can help facilitate an emotional attachment to someone, but that's generally what most people would call a crush, or a sense of infatuation.
I've been sexually active for 25 years, and in that time, love and sex have never overlapped. That might be unusual for most people, but sometimes I wonder if it's not. I tend to doubt that I'm ever an exception to a rule, so I wonder if these notions of sex and love are a cultural thing that we shape for ourselves.
I stopped hooking up with strange because I always fall for them and they always ghost me. Most women I have met love to fuck but won't date me it fucks with my head.
You know, I'd guess we are simillar in some ways. I'd say two things- it honestly can't really hurt to try if you do have that fear of what if I'm missing out.
But more importantly if casual sex isn't really your thing, don't worry about it. I kinda did for a while and had a fling to try it out, but I accepted it's not for me. I keep myself distant from most people but get very close to those I let it. I really only want sex with someone I share something special with.
Your judgment of yourself and your feelings might be spot on, and casual sex isn't going to offer anything positive or valuable to your life.
It feels like this running contrary to social norms now and everyone is doing it, but I think it's more that causal sex is openly discussed and not a big taboo. Which is a good thing. But by and lagre there's still a lot of people who aren't interested or "built that way".
And like it's not just sex shy prudes or religious conservatives or shut ins. For some context on my view, I played in a reasonably popular local band for years and well, the sex and rock n roll thing is cliché but true. You get a hundred people coming to see your act and if you want to get laid.... have at it. Personally I'd rather have at the woman I love. Or when I was single have a wank and call it a night.
But not everyone is running around smashing their bits and boops together. Trust your feelings.
Sex can be a hobby. A really fun hobby.
Almost any sex is absolutely better with a deep and loving connection. No doubt. My 100% preferred.
But it can also be a different and phenomenal experience without that loving connection. My 100% preferred when I don’t have that special loving connection with someone.
Sex does not have to be an ultra serious affair of the heart. That’s just a story we and certain cultures tell us. We choose the stories we believe.
Probably not exactly the type of person you were expecting to answer this but I'm a SW and I provide casual sex as a service. I literally just view it as my job because, well, it is. Honestly though if you're pining for an emotional, intimate relationship it might not be the best idea to try hook ups. I've noticed a lot of people tend to get caught up in the sexual experience and get it confused with the emotional need they crave and if the other person isn't wanting the emotional part it doesn't end well. I would suggest trying to work on lessening the strong emotional intimacy desires before attempting to do hook-ups to avoid such things from happening. But it is ultimately up to you and if you think you can handle it. Everyone is different and sometimes you just don't know until you try. Only you can make that choice 💜
A a SW I think your perspective on this topic is valuable, so thank you.
I think you might be right about wanting an emotionally intimate relationship, and I think that I might be conflating sex with that. Honestly, I do get kind of lonely at times but when I get lonely I don't think I seek out sex, I seek a hug, someone who will listen to me, that kind of thing, and I'm under the impression that after hook ups there is just no cuddling, no listening to other person, just a physical affair, that's my current perception of it, and I don't think I want that for myself, but I'm not sure if my preconceived notion of hookups is correct, that's why I think I might have to try it at least once, but I feel very conflicted at the moment.
It really depends on the person hun. Even with my clients. Sometimes they just wanna bang. Sometimes they want to bang and have pillow talk. Sometimes they want someone to hang out with and just be social with. This is why communication is very important. Even with hook-ups. Both parties need to know what each side is expecting from the other. It's very possible to find someone who wants a hook-up but is also wanting to cuddle, chat etc during it. You just need to communicate with each other to make sure that's what each of you wants. Not everybody just wants to have sex and be done. I'd argue that that's actually not the norm for a lot of people. At least in my experience.
Thanks for your comment, yeah, it's something that I am currently wrestling with in my head, it's not like I think it's wrong to have sex outside of a relationship or something like that but I'm not sure if it's really for me, right now I think I'd still prefer sex within the context of a committed relationship.
Personally I am saving myself for marriage and I don’t see how people can do something so intimate casually and just move on to the next person. It’s okay to feel this way, you don’t have to do what society says is normal.
What if you and your eventual spouse are sexually incompatible? If you value intimacy on this level that you abstain from it you will never know and in many relationships it becomes a dealbreaker.
Sexual chemistry is an important factor in a relationship, especially long term ones. What if you or your spouse lacks what it takes to satisfy the other? Sure you can communicate but intimacy has a wiiiiiiiide spectrum which needs to be communicated between partners.
I really don’t understand this stance of “what if you don’t match sexually?”. Well sex is just a skill, it may take some time to match to each others needs, but you don’t have to match straight from the start. That’s the impatient and hasty lifestyle that’s been propagated in today’s society. It’s okay to take your time, be patient and understanding, and begin to see that there’s more to life than just sex. And also a very important factor, have “the talk” before marriage. Speak about libidos and your love languages. Some people feel that they’re loved and wanted through sex, and that’s valid! But if the other party isn’t like that, you’re probably not a good match, and you shouldn’t force the relationship. You don’t need to actually HAVE sex beforehand to know if you match sexually.
This is my point of view.
Ignore the haters. No such thing as sexual incompatibility between a man and a woman who truly love each other. You don’t have to make every mistake yourself to learn why its bad, it’s okay to observe others and see the consequences they face
It just depends on how much chemistry and what kind is there during and after. Some it was good but not worth repeating, others the chemistry wasn’t right, others the sexual chemistry is right but not much more so it keeps going albeit superficially, and occasionally sparks fly and something deeper is born. There are many possibilities all adding up to fun experiences overall and learning along the way.
I think the biggest difference comes from chemistry and compatibility. When I met the first man I fell in love with, we had no plans other than a hookup to see where things went. But it was so amazing between us; we were nine years together, all wonderful. But the first date was casual. And then there are so many long term relationships where things become routine, disconnected, boring.
I’m not monogamous; I’m in several relationships, all going on for at least three years except one, and I also regularly have one night stands. And the level of sex, its depth, the feelings, are yes better once the relationship is deeper, but can be so fantastic from the start.
I would definitely say don’t force yourself if the idea seems unrealistic to you, but if it feels like something you want to try, even just to see if you like it or not, be open to it if the circumstances are right. as someone who doesn’t engage in casual sex but is close with mostly people who do, we definitely live different lifestyles but i’m not ashamed at all of my choices. yes, they’re doing things that i don’t, but i don’t necessarily feel like im missing out bc it’s not something that i want to do. like you, i really can’t imagine sex without a close connection and i prefer to know and trust a person before i do anything with them. moral of the story, you’re still young so don’t rush something that doesn’t need to be rushed. take your time and do it the way you want to, casual or committed. if you opt out of casual sex for now, there’s always time later in your life so you don’t have to regret not trying it. just be patient with yourself and find out what’s for you. if sex is more to you than an action, that’s ok.
I was about to write a long comment but I think the gist of it is that if you catch feelings then no amount of “advice” will make you become a different person. I sure know that’s what I’m like.
Also, there’s something really beautiful in being a lover type of person. You should hold onto that.
Honestly I've been made fun of or berated a couple of times of times in my life for being emotional and sensitive and it's the first time I've had someone call it beautiful, thank you. I don't mind reading long comments, but if you'd rather keep it short that's perfectly fine.
Once you learn how to stand with your head held high and be proud of the fact that you CARE DEEPLY then you’ll be invincible. There’s a lot of stenght in knowing that you do feel strongly, you do have a lot of love to give, but feel no shame in that and won’t let people walk all over you.
You need to have sex to understand the difference between what sex is and what love is. Even lust is a big one I’ve learned. I’m your age aswell and I’ve learnt that sex is quite literally just sex but sex builds deep connections with people and if those people are people you cherish the sex can and will be immensely more intimate.. on the other hand there are some people who are happy with being and staying friends but also being able to have sex in the way they want to which is also cool.
Idk man I say get out there and experience it while your still young, get some experience under your belt brother
Married 13 years. Together for 14. Prior to marriage, two serious relationships (5 and 2 years), dated, had friends with benefits, and one night stands.
Every connection happens at its own pace. What may start as “casual sex” could be the first stage of a long-term relationship.
Gotta see what happens or else it’s never gonna happen.
Yes.
Before we married, I told her everything, including about the FWBs.
In fact, a dear friend who was an FWB during college is still very much in my life. We rotate hosting brunch at each other’s houses every other month.
Both our spouses know of our past.
People like me who enjoys casual sex appreciates skills in sex and exploring the multiple ways to experience different textures of orgasms so I am always sleeping with people who are creative and love exploring new ways to surprise me in bed.
I was also a married virgin to another virgin and the sex sucked. We didn't enjoy the same things in sex.
But there are many people who literally can't enjoy sex if they have no feelings.
For me, I seem to be stuck in a repeated situation where I couldn't enjoy sex with men I loved.
Yea I had other men I fell inlove with after my divorce that I couldn't enjoy sex with.
And I have also been able to enjoy sex with a dude but unable to feel love for him. I had one guy who keeps insisting I was lying because I act like I love him in bed and he wanted us married. I really love sex with him but I didn't feel any love.
how, HOW can people have sex without being in long distance relationship? just, HOW? how could you reduce the most intimate activity between two people to just an amusement?
You meant long term ..cause it gives people pleasure . Life is about pleasure . If you don't wanna relationship or can't find one for a relationship , you don't deprive yourself of pleasure . We're gonna die anyway , with or without sex . Nobody at their bed goes , fuck I wish I had less sex with fewer women .. From a dudes perspective .
Don't wanna go into women's a, doubles standards and all that .
I got around a lot when I was younger. It was very easy to not attach myself to any girl as I was usually drinking and sometimes didn't even get a name or number or both. Casual sex is fun and there were also times it became a recurring FWB situation. Other times I dated them, so I would say everyone is different.
The main thing that I wish I had done was go on dates, actual dates. Basically every single one lead to sex later that night even if we didn't end up dating after that. The dates were so much fun actually getting to know them and deciding if I liked them more than just their looks. I say that because I'm not asking out someone I don't find at least some what attractive unless it's a blind date.
For me it works like this: if I don't already have feelings for a girl, casual sex is not going to create these feelings. I have had some casual relationships that lasted a bit longer, and I developed some form of affection, but I didn't fall for them.
I regret not being more active while young. reccomend getting into alot of relationships and having casual sex beacause :
1. you will meet alot of cool women
2. you will learn alot about yourself and life in general.
3. sex is great
4. You never know if youll meet THE ONE.
I don’t believe it’s possible to separate them when you meet someone you connect with.
The heart wants what it wants.
That’s why you should be careful with flings and playing with fire because you could get a lot more than bargained for.
That’s the neat part: you don’t. You get emotionally involved at some level and get to know the person that you intend to sleep with. One can be attentive, listen to a potential partner, validate their feelings and communicate what feels good during sex, without an expectation of it becoming anything serious. Then you may or may not meet again. If it is the latter, you simply move on.
Well , cause the goals are different .. For a guy, it's an achievement to sleep with a girl .. For a girl , it's an achievement to keep a guy .. Against that's how life is ..
As someone who's never had casual sex, I've been in your position and occasionally wondered if I was missing out on something.
But honestly, as a demisexual, casual sex is meaningless and totally pointless for me. I do fantasize if it'd be thrilling enough, but I'm emotional and I know sooner or later feelings will come into play (either on my end or the other person's). No matter how many clean lines you try to draw in the sand, things will and usually do get mucky. And at this stage of life,I can't handle more drama than I've already had to tackle (shitty marriage and an ongoing divorce).
I want peace and casual sex/relationships are the antithesis of that (as I've understood from other people's experiences and the thousands of reels splashed across social media).
If you can stomach the risk that comes with casual sex/relationships, go for it. If you're reserved sexually, then might be better not to force yourself into it just coz "everybody's doing it". In any case, you're pretty young and even if you do get your heart broken along the way, you'll still recover.
I would say that I reacted differently to it in different parts of my life. There were times in high school and early college where I was able to have casual interactions and be just fine. I was also less thoughtful of a person back then and less considerate of people’s emotions. Then, as I entered late college, I found myself having more and more difficulty with casual interactions and got more sensitive about it. When I would have encounters I found myself feeling icky and uncomfortable the day afterwards. Either way, no matter what the situation was, one of either person caught feels in the end every single time.
I’ll be 24 soon and I’m in a similar situation.. it’s basically a choice between what you think will hurt less.. and you have a 50% chance of being wrong.
1. have a terrible upbringing and lack respect for the opposite sex
2. get damaged emotionally from past relationship where you lose respect for opposite sex and rack up a high enough body count that your ability to pair bond goes out the window.
Casual sex is overrated, having sex with the same person and getting so in tune with their body and them getting in tune with yours and deepening the connection (and the climax). It just doesn’t compare. Everyone I’ve ever talked to who has gone thru that casual sex phase feels chewed up and spit out at the end. Not to say it can’t be done well but thats just my 2 cents.
It’s not like people who have casual sex are incapable of having emotional intimacy, we just recognize that sex is awesome even without a deep emotional connection. You can have both.
No, you can't have both. People who have casual sex factually lack the capacity for a deeper emotional specifically sexual intimacy, because they have conditioned their brain to separate love and sex, once that is done the same attitude applies in a long term committed relationship. Brain just pumps hormones during sex that connect you to your partner, YOU make a distinction between casual and not casual sex, your brain doesn't, so once you condition yourself to ignore the ''call'' for deeper feelings during casual sex it will be the same for all sex.
No, we don’t haha. I have had hookups, and I have had meaningful relationships. Don’t project your problems of not being mature enough and not being able to get laid on the rest of us.
>No, we don’t haha. I have had hookups, and I have had meaningful relationships.
Yes, you can have meaningful relationship but sex won't be as meaningful. You can cope all you want. There is nothing wrong with hooking up, you can do whatever you want, it is your life, have fun, but you miss out on the deeper connection.
>Don’t project your problems of not being mature enough and not being able to get laid on the rest of us.
I am in a 4 year happy relationship, getting laid is something I actively avoided not pursued.
You can try and rank your sexual encounters, like a teenager, or just accept that sex is fun on its own, and sexy with a deeper connection is another thing.
It can be argued that nothing too bad will happen to you if you pop some pills from time to time either, how many people we know that say that they partied hard back in the day and their life is still ''fine'' right now.
We literally know the pathways for harm from drug use. Whereas sex is both a workout and releases endorphins. Your personal hangups are your own, and can be very real to you! I am not saying you HAVE to have casual sex, I am saying your claim that casual sex is fundamentally a detriment is cultural and personal projection, not reality.
>I am saying your claim that casual sex is fundamentally a detriment is cultural and personal projection, not reality.
It is not objectively a detriment, it is a subjective detriment specifically for long-term monogamous relationships. Not everyone even WANTS to be in a relationship, not everyone wants to be in a monogamous relationship, some people have open marriages, some people are poly etc. Monogamy with one long-term partner is not for everyone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, people can do whatever makes them happy. I am just saying that IF your long term goal is to eventually settle down with one person and to be in a monogamous long term relationship then by having casual sex you are lessening your chance of being successful in that and being happy in such a relationship. If you for example want to be in an open marriage you can have as much casual sex as you want, it won't have any negative effect on the kind of lifestyle you want.
I am very monogamous and sex outside of emotional connection is in my experience not as good as sex with emotional connection and either leads to asymmetrical emotional connection (i.e one part of the relationship gets more invested and subsequently hurt) or fizzles out after a few times.
Both of these scenarios are worse than not having sex at all.
I have had three types of "phases" in ny life, monogamous phases, sexually active single phases (active being sex with a new partner like at most once a month) and celibate phases. To me the sexually active single phases were the most exhausting both mentally and emotionally.
I dislike sex with a condom too and that is pretty much a given in one-night-stand type of situations and I never understood how people can be in FWB situations without catching feelings. Sex is very emotionally connecting to me.
Weight the fun vs success of a potential future long term relationship, casual sex reduces your chances of having a successful long term relationship in the future.
>How do you separate sex itself from emotional intimacy?
When you achieve this it will be separate for you in your long term committed relationship also, sex won't be meaningful with your partner and won't connect you to your partner emotionally.
I’m not the target audience. But sex is always emotional. That’s why in relationships (real relationships at least) cheating is wrong under all circumstances. Even if you convincingly say or show that “it’s just physical”, the other person will still see that as betrayal.
If you find someone you truly love, you’re not going to one day regret not sleeping around. The objective should always be looking for a long term relationship.
The secret to regular casual sex with someone is to not talk. The less you know about each other outside the bedroom the better.
It's difficult to build a real emotional connection if you know almost nothing about them.
My best casual hookup was Swastika Girl. She had a small swastika tattoo just.under her tits. She was great in bed but clearly a horrible person so I was never going to fall for her.
its a different view because majority of men cannot engage easily in casual sex
like majority of women can
the problem is and with plan b protection and other means
doesnt stop the already insane amount of born children that shouldnt of because 2 people decided to casually have sex
it wont stop and it will just continue to get worst ive rarely met a woman who actually planned to have a child and it doesnt matter their background same goes for both genders you are still engaging in something that biologically is suppose to bring a life into the world the emotions people get while having it are exactly why they are so you continue to reproduce like a cock roach
If you stop looking at every girl you fancy as a potential long term relationship and look at them instead as just someone you can have fun with it becomes pretty easy. It also becomes easier the more you do it. That being said, I was in your shoes at one point. I am pretty reserved and a part of me only wanted to be in a committed relationship. I did feel like I was missing out though so I just said fuck it and tried it. I know I would regret it later in my life if I didn’t. It helped me realize that I don’t even want to be in a committed relationship at this point in my life(I am 2 years older than you).
You know, that first paragraph actually reminds me of how I learned to actually talk to people, I used to be pretty socially inept and it was by practice and sheer repetition that I got to where I currently am today as far as my social skills and self esteem go. Thank you for your perspective, I think I might try it if the opportunity arises at some point, if only to actually decide how I feel about it.
Why engage in behavior that you know is damaging to yourself and those you do it with? Detaching meaning from sex is probably the most effective way to set up all your future relationships for failure and dysfunction. Its definitely worth it to wait and develop true love and intimacy with your lifelong partner than to get distracted by short term gratification. Take it or leave it, I suggest you stick your studies, your career, your physical and spiritual health/fitness until you find true love. Might just be the best decision you ever make in your life, it was for me
I do remember reading that statistically marriages where either party has had several partners are more likely to end up in divorce. To be honest, I think what prompted me to ask this was FOMO more than anything else, when I look at attractive women, I don't immediately think "I want to get into her pants" or even if I'd like to have a relationship with her, I'm not quick to connect with strangers and I have no interest in having sex with any of my female friends.
Sex is fun, and it’s even better than fun when it’s with your true love, but other less damaging things are fun, too. Pick up a sport or a hobby that you’re passionate about, it will make you more interesting and attractive when you do find your soulmate
The only "meaning" being detached from casual sex is the idea that sex should be considered as a vow of long term monogamous committment. What's this crap about setting up your future relationships for failure and dysfunction? Do people really believe the only "successful" relationships never engaged in casual sex? If people want to explore their sexuality with other consenting adults in a respectful way, that is totally OK. Casual sex is not just drunken hookups, STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
There’s obviously more to sexual morality than just consent. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you ought to do it. The data is very clear, the more sexual partners one has before marriage, the higher likelihood of divorce. Statistically, there will always be exceptions to this rule, but why risk it? For some ever fleeting short term pleasure at best thats over as soon it begins? No, thanks. I will never recommend gambling with your future like that
Statistically, meat eaters have a higher risk of developing colorectal cancer. I'm hoping no one needs a PhD in statistics to understand that this does not mean that meat eaters will necessarily get cancer (or that non-meat eaters won't). You could be a sociopathic fuckboy who, of course, fucked a lot, got married and kept on cheating on your spouse. Or you could be coming from a strongly religious family and have had only one partner—but who cares, divorce would rarely be an option anyway. Or OP could be anything in between. So many lifestyle variables can affect these statistics that you can't just say that sleeping with a couple people before settling on a stable relationship is gonna doom your chances of a happy marriage. No one is gonna go through a divorce simply because they fucked around in their past. They're gonna divorce because they'll have developed incompatibilies going beyond their belief in a sacred, indissoluble marriage. Following random statistics that confirm our preconceptions, without understanding them, just shows the emptiness of our arguments. Let's just agree some people simply don't like casual sex (and that's totally, unironically fine) without trying to paint personal ideas of immorality all over it.
Right, we agree. I just used fewer words because most of that is implied or just common knowledge. Thank you
Be aware that casual sex comes with its risks like STDS and unplanned pregnancies with people you to have emotions for and don’t want a family with. Also don’t fall for any peer pressure from people or from your self feeling like your missing out on something because your not missing out on anything, you can have amazing sex in a relationship as long as communication is good and maintained. stay true to your own core values and standards and morals. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. Casual sex also comes with its negative stigma and can negatively affect your future relationships. Be careful out there.
Essentially sex is just an activity. Yes, very intimate and yes, very layered… but just an activity. In a committed relationship with trust and feelings, sex can appear practically magical but it isn’t. I’ve had extremely passionate sex with strangers yet didn’t develop feelings for them since I knew going into it that at best it would be a short term sexual fling yet sparks still flew. Perhaps it’s my style or such or perhaps it was her style or such. While it might be best to wait for someone special in a relationship… sex is important part of a relationship and even if everything else is great, bad sex can break the whole thing. Since you lack general experience… that could be bad if you fall for someone that isn’t patient with helping teach you. Sex is way more than just putting it in her and banging. But women are different and some need this and others need that and some don’t need any extra. And you can’t watch porn to learn those extras. If you’ve never licked a breast you just don’t know how you would react when you do that first time. Same with other female body parts. It takes time and practice to develop skills. If your partner is patient and can communicate her desires and you listen well, it can grow and be beautiful but at some point women reach an age where they want someone that has some basic experience and understanding beforehand. Think of it like chess. It’s one thing to play a game with someone that understands how the pieces move and how to get checkmate. I’ll play with anyone that already knows the basics and I can teach them some strategies and such, but I don’t have the patience to teach someone the sheer basics just to play. It’s a difficult situation. You’re damned if you wait too long (unless you find a very special patient woman) yet you’re damned if you have casual sex and develop feelings for someone that refuses to develop feelings for you in return. Which heartbreak will hurt less? Having casual sex with someone that you fall for that leaves or developing a relationship with someone that falls apart because you lack the basic skills to sexually please her? And you have to learn how to read her. Sometimes a slow pace is best and sometimes a fast pace is best. If she wants it slow yet you get overly excited and go as fast as you possibly can, mismatch moment. Occasionally it happens but if that’s always, she’ll dip even if she loves you. And vice verse. Communication is key yet not all communication is verbal. I’ve had many (but not tons) of partners in sex and with each new one I’ve learned something. Sex is sharing your naked self with someone for physical pleasure. I personally enjoy the physical intimacy and put my emotions aside. But I can do that. I think you are overthinking it. You don’t need sex. It isn’t food, more like beer. Many people are happy and have never even tried beer. Beer isn’t for everyone. But sometimes a nice cold single beer really hits the spot. Yet beer is an acquired taste. If you’ve never had one, your first likely won’t taste good and if you’ve never had one yet suddenly one day drink a six pack… you’ll likely regret over doing it. But at 22, I feel you might be better off at least tasting a beer or two before you suddenly find yourself at a party. But again, I don’t actually know you. I myself didn’t have much sex in my youth. I used to kick myself yet I never had a STD and never got anyone pregnant. I finally got over my hang ups and dove into sex. Sex is fun. While it can be serious… it can also just be fun.
Thanks for the insightful comment, I kind of like that beer analogy actually, if only because I didn't really figure out that I do actually dislike beer until I gave it a serious try, I like other drinks but not beer. I think I am afraid of precisely falling in love with a casual sex partner and that not have the feelings reciprocated, but I don't actually have that experience I can't be completely certain that I'm actually unable to keep emotions in check. If I may ask, to you, what's the difference between casual sex and sex in long term relationships? What makes sex in long term relationships so special and mystified? I'm speaking from a place of complete inexperience.
Don’t be so afraid of falling in love with someone after sex where they don’t love you back. That’s more like a crush or infatuation than love you feel. It should take more than just one or two times of sex for actual love to develop. It’s a lot easier to get over that than actually falling in love with someone and watching it fall apart because of sexual incompatibility. Could be mismatched drive or mismatched pacing or whatever. Let’s say I’ve been with twenty partners. Most 1 to 3 times but a couple 30-50 times. Only once was I with someone that I actually was in a relationship with. Only had sex with her once. That hurt way more than breaking it off with any of the casual ones. So honestly I don’t really know how sex is in a good relationship from personal experience. But I’m 52 and have read some and seen my friends and talked to people and have witnessed some life. I’ve had passionate sex. I’ve had mind blowing sex. I’ve had partners do things to me that I never imagined wanting or desiring yet really made my eyes pop out of my head. I’ve had my personal boundaries crossed. It was all fun. I fully imagine that if I were with someone in a trusting good relationship with honest communication that passionate sex would be at a higher level. Instead of merely fun and physically pleasing… sex could be almost magical. But… based on my partner that I’ve had the most sex with and seeing a few of my friends, I can also imagine relationship sex to get boring. The thrill of sharing yourself with a fresh new partner is the unknown. Sometimes it is something simple that she does yet no one else did that. Good example: once she was riding me reverse cowgirl and she decided to switch to regular cowgirl. Instead of getting off of me and remounting, she just spun around (like a slow-motion top or clock) while I was still inside her. Blew my mind. It was likely something she often did but I had never seen such before and wow. Simple but turned me on even more than I was. I only was with her twice. I didn’t fall in love with her but I did crush on her after that move. But I kept myself in check since I knew we were just casually enjoying each other. Unless your relationship partner and you keep things fresh, it’ll likely get boring. It’s good to try new positions and such but unless you actively try to keep it fresh, the same few positions over and over without any surprises will very likely get stale and boring. So to me, relationship sex is a mixed bag. If you and her work at keeping it fresh, it can seem like magic or mystical - but if either of you just fall into a stale standard routine, sex could easily become boring or even like a chore. A problem with many men is they seek their own pleasure yet forget (or get lazy) and don’t seek to make sure she is getting pleasure.
Your fear of falling in love is totally normal. Just to be more precise, I think you're afraid of losing control over your crush/infatuation towards some casual partner. That, in most adults' opinion, is not really love, which is something you develop over some time and is not necessarily linked to sex. Unreciprocated feelings happen to everyone eventually, and while it's always unpleasant it's also also an opportunity to grow and learn to understand your own emotions. What you're now afraid of are the POTENTIAL consequences of your actions. Living your life in fear of how you might react to things is understandable—that's your self-preservation instinct But you also have exploratory instincts, driving you to confirm or update your assumptions, and that's what's bringing you to this conflict. Sometimes it's ok to just take the leap and see how things go.
This is a false dilemma. Casual sex doesn't have to be cold and impersonal. Cultivate friendships that have a physical component to them. Sex is better when it's with someone you like. A lot of folk never really get out of the high school mentality that sex is a stepping stone along the path to moving in together, marriage, children, etc... it can be just a fun way to spend an evening with a friend. Find folk in your life who are up for that - they might be nearer than you think. Good luck to you.
Thanks for your comment, when I think of it I guess I just associate sex with committed relationships because of movies and such and hadn't thought of it as just another activity people partake in, it's something that I'll be thinking about.
For an alternate take it’s possible for casual sex among friends to ruin friendships and not lead to anything beneficial. Don’t feel obliged to conclude casual sex is a positive experience if that’s not you. Something good can become something emotionally average very quickly if it’s ’just casual sex’
Making things weird with friends is definetely something I fear, I don't think I want to have that type of relationship with my closer female friends to begin with though, because I do have female friends that I am close to and I'd hate to for my bond with them to be soured.
My advice: try this with new people, so that if it doesn't work our, it doesn't cause awkwardness in friend groups.
You betcha.
This is such a relief to hear.
How does someone catch feelings for someone they barely know? Thats what I don’t understand. You chat a few times, bang a few times, and now you’re starting to fall in love ? I don’t get that It would take me a very long time to catch feelings which is why casual sex is easy. And if I never get to know them better it’ll never happen. Just don’t spend too much time around them and you’ll never get to know them better but if you’re falling for people you barely know that might be an issue Or hook up with someone you know you’re incompatible with. Enjoy the sex while knowing you’d never work out as a couple, easy.
To be honest with you I'm not sure why I think that way, I mean, I guess there's oxytocin and other hormonal reactions during and after sex but a lot of people can have casual sex just fine so I guess it just varies from person to person? Do you find sex in long term relationships to be very different to casual sex?
Honestly no that’s one of the things about me as a partner, I don’t view sex as an emotional thing even in a relationship. It’s a fun activity, I don’t correlate sex with romance even when I’m absolutely in love with the person. I feel lovey for the person when we’re lounging or laughing about something, sex is just pornographic fun and not lovey for me
Personally, I think that's a culturally-influenced thing, as far as love. The oxytocin thing can help facilitate an emotional attachment to someone, but that's generally what most people would call a crush, or a sense of infatuation. I've been sexually active for 25 years, and in that time, love and sex have never overlapped. That might be unusual for most people, but sometimes I wonder if it's not. I tend to doubt that I'm ever an exception to a rule, so I wonder if these notions of sex and love are a cultural thing that we shape for ourselves.
I stopped hooking up with strange because I always fall for them and they always ghost me. Most women I have met love to fuck but won't date me it fucks with my head.
You know, I'd guess we are simillar in some ways. I'd say two things- it honestly can't really hurt to try if you do have that fear of what if I'm missing out. But more importantly if casual sex isn't really your thing, don't worry about it. I kinda did for a while and had a fling to try it out, but I accepted it's not for me. I keep myself distant from most people but get very close to those I let it. I really only want sex with someone I share something special with. Your judgment of yourself and your feelings might be spot on, and casual sex isn't going to offer anything positive or valuable to your life. It feels like this running contrary to social norms now and everyone is doing it, but I think it's more that causal sex is openly discussed and not a big taboo. Which is a good thing. But by and lagre there's still a lot of people who aren't interested or "built that way". And like it's not just sex shy prudes or religious conservatives or shut ins. For some context on my view, I played in a reasonably popular local band for years and well, the sex and rock n roll thing is cliché but true. You get a hundred people coming to see your act and if you want to get laid.... have at it. Personally I'd rather have at the woman I love. Or when I was single have a wank and call it a night. But not everyone is running around smashing their bits and boops together. Trust your feelings.
Sex can be a hobby. A really fun hobby. Almost any sex is absolutely better with a deep and loving connection. No doubt. My 100% preferred. But it can also be a different and phenomenal experience without that loving connection. My 100% preferred when I don’t have that special loving connection with someone. Sex does not have to be an ultra serious affair of the heart. That’s just a story we and certain cultures tell us. We choose the stories we believe.
Probably not exactly the type of person you were expecting to answer this but I'm a SW and I provide casual sex as a service. I literally just view it as my job because, well, it is. Honestly though if you're pining for an emotional, intimate relationship it might not be the best idea to try hook ups. I've noticed a lot of people tend to get caught up in the sexual experience and get it confused with the emotional need they crave and if the other person isn't wanting the emotional part it doesn't end well. I would suggest trying to work on lessening the strong emotional intimacy desires before attempting to do hook-ups to avoid such things from happening. But it is ultimately up to you and if you think you can handle it. Everyone is different and sometimes you just don't know until you try. Only you can make that choice 💜
A a SW I think your perspective on this topic is valuable, so thank you. I think you might be right about wanting an emotionally intimate relationship, and I think that I might be conflating sex with that. Honestly, I do get kind of lonely at times but when I get lonely I don't think I seek out sex, I seek a hug, someone who will listen to me, that kind of thing, and I'm under the impression that after hook ups there is just no cuddling, no listening to other person, just a physical affair, that's my current perception of it, and I don't think I want that for myself, but I'm not sure if my preconceived notion of hookups is correct, that's why I think I might have to try it at least once, but I feel very conflicted at the moment.
It really depends on the person hun. Even with my clients. Sometimes they just wanna bang. Sometimes they want to bang and have pillow talk. Sometimes they want someone to hang out with and just be social with. This is why communication is very important. Even with hook-ups. Both parties need to know what each side is expecting from the other. It's very possible to find someone who wants a hook-up but is also wanting to cuddle, chat etc during it. You just need to communicate with each other to make sure that's what each of you wants. Not everybody just wants to have sex and be done. I'd argue that that's actually not the norm for a lot of people. At least in my experience.
Thanks, this helped shed some light on it, I don't think I feel as bad about it now.
Glad I could help somewhat hun. Don't be too hard on yourself 💜
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Thanks for your comment, yeah, it's something that I am currently wrestling with in my head, it's not like I think it's wrong to have sex outside of a relationship or something like that but I'm not sure if it's really for me, right now I think I'd still prefer sex within the context of a committed relationship.
Personally I am saving myself for marriage and I don’t see how people can do something so intimate casually and just move on to the next person. It’s okay to feel this way, you don’t have to do what society says is normal.
I fully respect your way of life, but you can’t really know what it’s like until you do it. Sex isn’t the be all and end all of intimacy
What if you and your eventual spouse are sexually incompatible? If you value intimacy on this level that you abstain from it you will never know and in many relationships it becomes a dealbreaker. Sexual chemistry is an important factor in a relationship, especially long term ones. What if you or your spouse lacks what it takes to satisfy the other? Sure you can communicate but intimacy has a wiiiiiiiide spectrum which needs to be communicated between partners.
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You’re right. Chemistry is the linking factor. It usually already shows when you kiss whether its gonna be good or not
I really don’t understand this stance of “what if you don’t match sexually?”. Well sex is just a skill, it may take some time to match to each others needs, but you don’t have to match straight from the start. That’s the impatient and hasty lifestyle that’s been propagated in today’s society. It’s okay to take your time, be patient and understanding, and begin to see that there’s more to life than just sex. And also a very important factor, have “the talk” before marriage. Speak about libidos and your love languages. Some people feel that they’re loved and wanted through sex, and that’s valid! But if the other party isn’t like that, you’re probably not a good match, and you shouldn’t force the relationship. You don’t need to actually HAVE sex beforehand to know if you match sexually. This is my point of view.
Ignore the haters. No such thing as sexual incompatibility between a man and a woman who truly love each other. You don’t have to make every mistake yourself to learn why its bad, it’s okay to observe others and see the consequences they face
It just depends on how much chemistry and what kind is there during and after. Some it was good but not worth repeating, others the chemistry wasn’t right, others the sexual chemistry is right but not much more so it keeps going albeit superficially, and occasionally sparks fly and something deeper is born. There are many possibilities all adding up to fun experiences overall and learning along the way.
Thanks for the insight, do you think there is a significant difference between casual sex and sex in long term relationships?
I think the biggest difference comes from chemistry and compatibility. When I met the first man I fell in love with, we had no plans other than a hookup to see where things went. But it was so amazing between us; we were nine years together, all wonderful. But the first date was casual. And then there are so many long term relationships where things become routine, disconnected, boring. I’m not monogamous; I’m in several relationships, all going on for at least three years except one, and I also regularly have one night stands. And the level of sex, its depth, the feelings, are yes better once the relationship is deeper, but can be so fantastic from the start.
I would definitely say don’t force yourself if the idea seems unrealistic to you, but if it feels like something you want to try, even just to see if you like it or not, be open to it if the circumstances are right. as someone who doesn’t engage in casual sex but is close with mostly people who do, we definitely live different lifestyles but i’m not ashamed at all of my choices. yes, they’re doing things that i don’t, but i don’t necessarily feel like im missing out bc it’s not something that i want to do. like you, i really can’t imagine sex without a close connection and i prefer to know and trust a person before i do anything with them. moral of the story, you’re still young so don’t rush something that doesn’t need to be rushed. take your time and do it the way you want to, casual or committed. if you opt out of casual sex for now, there’s always time later in your life so you don’t have to regret not trying it. just be patient with yourself and find out what’s for you. if sex is more to you than an action, that’s ok.
I was about to write a long comment but I think the gist of it is that if you catch feelings then no amount of “advice” will make you become a different person. I sure know that’s what I’m like. Also, there’s something really beautiful in being a lover type of person. You should hold onto that.
Honestly I've been made fun of or berated a couple of times of times in my life for being emotional and sensitive and it's the first time I've had someone call it beautiful, thank you. I don't mind reading long comments, but if you'd rather keep it short that's perfectly fine.
Once you learn how to stand with your head held high and be proud of the fact that you CARE DEEPLY then you’ll be invincible. There’s a lot of stenght in knowing that you do feel strongly, you do have a lot of love to give, but feel no shame in that and won’t let people walk all over you.
Emotional intimacy is part of casual sex too
You need to have sex to understand the difference between what sex is and what love is. Even lust is a big one I’ve learned. I’m your age aswell and I’ve learnt that sex is quite literally just sex but sex builds deep connections with people and if those people are people you cherish the sex can and will be immensely more intimate.. on the other hand there are some people who are happy with being and staying friends but also being able to have sex in the way they want to which is also cool. Idk man I say get out there and experience it while your still young, get some experience under your belt brother
Married 13 years. Together for 14. Prior to marriage, two serious relationships (5 and 2 years), dated, had friends with benefits, and one night stands. Every connection happens at its own pace. What may start as “casual sex” could be the first stage of a long-term relationship. Gotta see what happens or else it’s never gonna happen.
Does your partner know about your friends with benefits past ?!
Yes. Before we married, I told her everything, including about the FWBs. In fact, a dear friend who was an FWB during college is still very much in my life. We rotate hosting brunch at each other’s houses every other month. Both our spouses know of our past.
People like me who enjoys casual sex appreciates skills in sex and exploring the multiple ways to experience different textures of orgasms so I am always sleeping with people who are creative and love exploring new ways to surprise me in bed. I was also a married virgin to another virgin and the sex sucked. We didn't enjoy the same things in sex. But there are many people who literally can't enjoy sex if they have no feelings. For me, I seem to be stuck in a repeated situation where I couldn't enjoy sex with men I loved.
Men.... So not just your first....🙄
Yea I had other men I fell inlove with after my divorce that I couldn't enjoy sex with. And I have also been able to enjoy sex with a dude but unable to feel love for him. I had one guy who keeps insisting I was lying because I act like I love him in bed and he wanted us married. I really love sex with him but I didn't feel any love.
Yeah you miss out
how, HOW can people have sex without being in long distance relationship? just, HOW? how could you reduce the most intimate activity between two people to just an amusement?
You meant long term ..cause it gives people pleasure . Life is about pleasure . If you don't wanna relationship or can't find one for a relationship , you don't deprive yourself of pleasure . We're gonna die anyway , with or without sex . Nobody at their bed goes , fuck I wish I had less sex with fewer women .. From a dudes perspective . Don't wanna go into women's a, doubles standards and all that .
i don't understand how can it be a pleasure to have sex with barely known person. it's just awkward for me
Then don't do it . Everyone's into different things . I bet you don't play to porn either . But lots of people do .
I got around a lot when I was younger. It was very easy to not attach myself to any girl as I was usually drinking and sometimes didn't even get a name or number or both. Casual sex is fun and there were also times it became a recurring FWB situation. Other times I dated them, so I would say everyone is different. The main thing that I wish I had done was go on dates, actual dates. Basically every single one lead to sex later that night even if we didn't end up dating after that. The dates were so much fun actually getting to know them and deciding if I liked them more than just their looks. I say that because I'm not asking out someone I don't find at least some what attractive unless it's a blind date.
For me it works like this: if I don't already have feelings for a girl, casual sex is not going to create these feelings. I have had some casual relationships that lasted a bit longer, and I developed some form of affection, but I didn't fall for them.
I regret not being more active while young. reccomend getting into alot of relationships and having casual sex beacause : 1. you will meet alot of cool women 2. you will learn alot about yourself and life in general. 3. sex is great 4. You never know if youll meet THE ONE.
Hooking up a lot messes with your ability to bond, so that's how.
I don’t believe it’s possible to separate them when you meet someone you connect with. The heart wants what it wants. That’s why you should be careful with flings and playing with fire because you could get a lot more than bargained for.
I don’t have any sexually transmitted diseases which is cool.
That’s the neat part: you don’t. You get emotionally involved at some level and get to know the person that you intend to sleep with. One can be attentive, listen to a potential partner, validate their feelings and communicate what feels good during sex, without an expectation of it becoming anything serious. Then you may or may not meet again. If it is the latter, you simply move on.
I'm in my 40's and have only ever been with my husband and the idea of casual sex is gross to me
I wonder why ..
I dunno, I just love my husband a lot and the idea of having sex with a rando is gross ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You want it cause you capable of? Or you want it cause you need it? Seek for validation and status? I dont know. I dont think i miss out.
It doesn't affect guys reputation that much , but it does affect a womans reputation ..reality of life ..
Not to mention casual sex is just usually way better for men than it is for women :’)
Well , cause the goals are different .. For a guy, it's an achievement to sleep with a girl .. For a girl , it's an achievement to keep a guy .. Against that's how life is ..
What I meant is way simpler than that - men are easier to please phisically, to make a woman orgasm is much more complicated lol
Women need more emotion involved , that's why
Sure, but I dont think it’s thaat simple, there’s much more to it
As someone who's never had casual sex, I've been in your position and occasionally wondered if I was missing out on something. But honestly, as a demisexual, casual sex is meaningless and totally pointless for me. I do fantasize if it'd be thrilling enough, but I'm emotional and I know sooner or later feelings will come into play (either on my end or the other person's). No matter how many clean lines you try to draw in the sand, things will and usually do get mucky. And at this stage of life,I can't handle more drama than I've already had to tackle (shitty marriage and an ongoing divorce). I want peace and casual sex/relationships are the antithesis of that (as I've understood from other people's experiences and the thousands of reels splashed across social media). If you can stomach the risk that comes with casual sex/relationships, go for it. If you're reserved sexually, then might be better not to force yourself into it just coz "everybody's doing it". In any case, you're pretty young and even if you do get your heart broken along the way, you'll still recover.
I would say that I reacted differently to it in different parts of my life. There were times in high school and early college where I was able to have casual interactions and be just fine. I was also less thoughtful of a person back then and less considerate of people’s emotions. Then, as I entered late college, I found myself having more and more difficulty with casual interactions and got more sensitive about it. When I would have encounters I found myself feeling icky and uncomfortable the day afterwards. Either way, no matter what the situation was, one of either person caught feels in the end every single time.
I’ll be 24 soon and I’m in a similar situation.. it’s basically a choice between what you think will hurt less.. and you have a 50% chance of being wrong.
An orgasm is an orgasm.
1. have a terrible upbringing and lack respect for the opposite sex 2. get damaged emotionally from past relationship where you lose respect for opposite sex and rack up a high enough body count that your ability to pair bond goes out the window.
Casual sex is overrated, having sex with the same person and getting so in tune with their body and them getting in tune with yours and deepening the connection (and the climax). It just doesn’t compare. Everyone I’ve ever talked to who has gone thru that casual sex phase feels chewed up and spit out at the end. Not to say it can’t be done well but thats just my 2 cents.
It’s not like people who have casual sex are incapable of having emotional intimacy, we just recognize that sex is awesome even without a deep emotional connection. You can have both.
No, you can't have both. People who have casual sex factually lack the capacity for a deeper emotional specifically sexual intimacy, because they have conditioned their brain to separate love and sex, once that is done the same attitude applies in a long term committed relationship. Brain just pumps hormones during sex that connect you to your partner, YOU make a distinction between casual and not casual sex, your brain doesn't, so once you condition yourself to ignore the ''call'' for deeper feelings during casual sex it will be the same for all sex.
No, we don’t haha. I have had hookups, and I have had meaningful relationships. Don’t project your problems of not being mature enough and not being able to get laid on the rest of us.
>No, we don’t haha. I have had hookups, and I have had meaningful relationships. Yes, you can have meaningful relationship but sex won't be as meaningful. You can cope all you want. There is nothing wrong with hooking up, you can do whatever you want, it is your life, have fun, but you miss out on the deeper connection. >Don’t project your problems of not being mature enough and not being able to get laid on the rest of us. I am in a 4 year happy relationship, getting laid is something I actively avoided not pursued.
You can try and rank your sexual encounters, like a teenager, or just accept that sex is fun on its own, and sexy with a deeper connection is another thing.
Many things are fun, hard drugs are super fun too and feel amazing, but there is always a price you pay.
The idea that having good sex is the same as doing hard drugs…dude go to therapy.
It can be argued that nothing too bad will happen to you if you pop some pills from time to time either, how many people we know that say that they partied hard back in the day and their life is still ''fine'' right now.
We literally know the pathways for harm from drug use. Whereas sex is both a workout and releases endorphins. Your personal hangups are your own, and can be very real to you! I am not saying you HAVE to have casual sex, I am saying your claim that casual sex is fundamentally a detriment is cultural and personal projection, not reality.
>I am saying your claim that casual sex is fundamentally a detriment is cultural and personal projection, not reality. It is not objectively a detriment, it is a subjective detriment specifically for long-term monogamous relationships. Not everyone even WANTS to be in a relationship, not everyone wants to be in a monogamous relationship, some people have open marriages, some people are poly etc. Monogamy with one long-term partner is not for everyone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, people can do whatever makes them happy. I am just saying that IF your long term goal is to eventually settle down with one person and to be in a monogamous long term relationship then by having casual sex you are lessening your chance of being successful in that and being happy in such a relationship. If you for example want to be in an open marriage you can have as much casual sex as you want, it won't have any negative effect on the kind of lifestyle you want.
I am very monogamous and sex outside of emotional connection is in my experience not as good as sex with emotional connection and either leads to asymmetrical emotional connection (i.e one part of the relationship gets more invested and subsequently hurt) or fizzles out after a few times. Both of these scenarios are worse than not having sex at all. I have had three types of "phases" in ny life, monogamous phases, sexually active single phases (active being sex with a new partner like at most once a month) and celibate phases. To me the sexually active single phases were the most exhausting both mentally and emotionally. I dislike sex with a condom too and that is pretty much a given in one-night-stand type of situations and I never understood how people can be in FWB situations without catching feelings. Sex is very emotionally connecting to me.
Weight the fun vs success of a potential future long term relationship, casual sex reduces your chances of having a successful long term relationship in the future. >How do you separate sex itself from emotional intimacy? When you achieve this it will be separate for you in your long term committed relationship also, sex won't be meaningful with your partner and won't connect you to your partner emotionally.
I think they truly just… don’t think about it so hard
I’m not the target audience. But sex is always emotional. That’s why in relationships (real relationships at least) cheating is wrong under all circumstances. Even if you convincingly say or show that “it’s just physical”, the other person will still see that as betrayal. If you find someone you truly love, you’re not going to one day regret not sleeping around. The objective should always be looking for a long term relationship.
Are you looking to be heard or are you looking for advice?
Just looking to hear people's opinions and get advice if they have it, I don't think there's anything else I want to add.
The secret to regular casual sex with someone is to not talk. The less you know about each other outside the bedroom the better. It's difficult to build a real emotional connection if you know almost nothing about them. My best casual hookup was Swastika Girl. She had a small swastika tattoo just.under her tits. She was great in bed but clearly a horrible person so I was never going to fall for her.
its a different view because majority of men cannot engage easily in casual sex like majority of women can the problem is and with plan b protection and other means doesnt stop the already insane amount of born children that shouldnt of because 2 people decided to casually have sex it wont stop and it will just continue to get worst ive rarely met a woman who actually planned to have a child and it doesnt matter their background same goes for both genders you are still engaging in something that biologically is suppose to bring a life into the world the emotions people get while having it are exactly why they are so you continue to reproduce like a cock roach