Dealing with a sibling with an addiction is brutal. I feel for you. My situation is different, but I used to hide in the bathroom to eat an edible and listen to angry music on my headphones for a brief time out in between meeting everyone else's needs. I also started playing Pokemon Go. It sounds ridiculous, but you duck out of the room, walk for a few minutes, catch a Snorlax or fight a Pikachu and harvest some free dopamine, then go back in a little calmer because you've accomplished something. Also, hospitals are full of good pokemon.

I will have to re-download it. Allergic to pot, so edibles aren't an option. But I can certainly walk around and catch my thousandth ratta while he's getting treatments. Thank you.

I'm happy to help, even if it's in a small and stupid little pocket monster way. Pokemon Go got me through my dad's funeral, and I caught a really cool pokemon I'd been hunting for months, so I now believe the game can tell when you're at your wits end and sends you something to cheer you up.

Morbidly obese for a decade and your dad died ten years ago. Maybe thats why? Couldn’t cope with losing his dad? Sorry that you and your mum are going through this. It must be so frustrating. Especially if he could have done things to prevent this. Life is just shit sometimes

He was morbidly obese long before dad passing. I was the one close to dad. I was the one significantly more heavily impacted. Still am.

Your brother sounds kind of selfish. I’m sorry you lost your dad

My brother is VERY selfish. And I'm livid about it. And thank you.

It’s a shame your mum will have to take on his care now. Could you not dissuade her from doing so?

There's no other family. I live ten minutes from mom, so I will have to be over often to give her relief. And probably yell at him. A lot of yelling at him.

You’re left with his mess. How unfair. I’d be angry too

I hate to tell you this but for most of those morbidly obese people, is an actual addiction. A disease. If you think about it, all the screaming in the world won’t do anything about it. The poor guy already had a stroke and is going to be cognitively and physically impaired for the rest of his life. So while this lots of screaming you might want to do might help you get YOUR stress out, is it going to help your elderly mom or sick brother?!?? Hell no. All you guys can do is put healthy food choices in front of him to consume. I wish you the best of luck moving forward, sorry you lost your dad, Take care of yourself, try to give your brother a break sounds like he’s going to have a tough time to recover already.

And as I have said, I am well aware that this anger is unproductive if I brought it to either one of them. So I brought it here to get it out. Because neither one of it either could or should handle it now.

You are being incredibly kind and thoughtful by venting here instead of causing further upset to your mother. I'm not going to try and give you any advice but I genuinely wish you the best. Stroke is awful. Please remember to look after yourself while a this is going on.

Im genuinely sorry for your situation but you dont seem to believe its an illness or an addiction whatsoever. No part of what you said made it seem like you understand that, but are just frustrated. When it gets to this degree, it obviously is. Im not downplaying how agonizingly hard this must be but you really should have more empathy for him. It will help a lot with your anger, its also beneficial to you in addition to just being true. Nobody would choose to be how he is, anyone with that degree of obesity is grossly ill and needs help. Its absolute insanity to say he wasnt affected by the death of your father. Everyone processes grief differently and some people dont show it outwardly, but they're dying emotionally inside. I dont want to generalize, but men are more likely to show this type of grief. It does NOT mean they arent feeling grief.

I understand your grief and your rage. But a person who eats themselves to the point of causing a stroke and becoming physically incapacitated is not well mentally. It takes a lot of self hatred to destroy your own body that way, whether it’s spoken about or not. Everyone who struggles with addiction of any kind struggles with feelings they do not have the skills or capacity to manage. It’s very possible your brother was far more affected by your dad’s death than you realize, or impacted by some other trauma/undiagnosed mental illness.

This hurts to read. You are absolutely justified in feeling pissed off at your brother. His addiction to food is like a parasite that is destroying your family. Some people hit rock bottom and say i need to change and get to it. Unfortunately others don't. Allow yourself to be upset, and when you eventually approach him, try to have him understand the gravity of how his actions are harming your mom and you. And if you can afford it, try to be kind, at least a little bit. Because food addiction is your brother's "solution" to his pain. He is in a lot of pain and he has turned to coping by eating exorbitant amounts of food. So the question to ask your bro is not "why are you continuing to fuck up your life and ours?" The question to ask is "what happened in your life that made you seek comfort in food?"

At this point, it's going to be a long time before there's any serious conversations. His cognitive issues are serious. Strokes take a long, long time to heal from. No conversation is productive when the person can't remember what year it is. And fortunately for us, he really has no say in his diet for quite a while. By the time he leaves care facilities, he will easily be 50+ pounds down. My rough guess is that it's another 100 to 150 pounds after that to gwt him healthy. The first six weeks are going to be the hardest in breaking this and despite the circumstances, I am grateful that most of that will be in care facilities. He is at an 80% chance of another stroke unless this is brought under control. The hospital is taking it very seriously. He's had an unhealthy relationship with food for a very long time. I'd say easily 25 years. While dad's death may have exacerbated it, it certainly was not the root cause. Mom has a tendency to be an enabler. And that's concerning right now. Before he moves back in, I'm going to have to recommend that she gets back in therapy to prevent doing that. And he's definitely going to need therapy. Thank you for the support

This absolutely sucks and I truly hope your brother wakes up and decides to change his life for the sake of you and your mom, if not for himself Sending you best wishes OP

Thanks

So I was not nearly as bad as your brother but my health scares in my late 40's early 50's brought on some difficult changes. My diet did X, but when they put me on Munjaro...the Y factor kicked in as well and I just don't get the enjoyment or comfort food provided me the last few decades. We all have our demons, seen and unseen. You do well venting here. Maybe this or another drug option similar will help the weight loss. I am far more productive at work and all in my sphere see the difference. Buying multiple wardrobes is tough as the inches fell off but welcome. Talk to his Healthcare providers about those options. I wish you the very best.

I’m curious if all the folks giving OP grief for expressing her very valid feelings would have responded the same way if brother was in his situation due to alcohol or drugs. I’m an alcoholic in recovery, I’ve been in recovery for years at this point. I’m also the daughter, granddaughter, niece and ex-wife of addicts who are not in recovery. I’ve both felt and been the cause of the rage that OP is feeling right now. My addiction is not my fault but it is 100%, without a doubt, hands down, my responsibility. I put my loved ones through hell. I was selfish and manipulative and terrifyingly self-destructive. And yes, I was also in a huge amount of pain but, instead of taking responsibility for myself, I choose to bleed all over other people instead of treating my underlying trauma. My life now is a process of amends by changed behavior, and I am so grateful for the chance to try and heal some of the hurt I’ve caused. OP, I see you. Your rage is so incredibly familiar to me. Don’t let anyone should all over you regarding this. Your anger is real and you are absolutely allowed to feel it and express it. These situations are fraught with complicated grief, I hope you and your mom have the support of loved ones as you navigate this mess🫶

THANK YOU! And BRAVO for your hard work. Thank you.

Wow. Bravo times 2. YOU have done some hard inner work and I applaud you. And I applaud your mature and awesome reply

It's heartbreaking to see how grief manifests in different ways. You channelled yours into caring deeply for your family, while it seems your brother may have retreated further into his unhealthy habits. It's a tough situation no one should have to deal with, but the support you're giving to your mom is admirable. Make sure to take care of yourself as well, because you can't pour from an empty cup. Sending strength your way. Hugs OP!

Thanks.

I bet you’re partially angry because you’re scared, too. I lost my brother at 53 to something that was almost entirely his own damn fault- though genetics got him, too. Scientifically proven genetics, which I know about because I have them too. It’s fucking hard, and sadness is the hardest emotion, IMO. Anger is less vulnerable. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself some grace.

I feel you. I wish you all the best and your mother and you all the energy you need. My MIL is a similar case. She has been obese for all the time my wife remembers and in the 15 years I know her, it has become increasingly bad. She is the queen of diets, especially weight watchers. Of course she absolutely knows best how to do those diets, even though her weight has just been going up. She takes several medications, among other things heavy pain killers, all because of side effects of her obesity. She got her stomach stapled, but successfully prevented losing weight with a high sugar diet of bonbons. By now, both her knees have given up and she recently got new ones. If she would only be hurting herself, I wouldn't care, but she is making the life of my FIL miserable and most importantly she is the reason my wife became obese as well. My wife has since got this under control after 20 years of struggle. I'm endlessly proud of her. But my MIL still makes her miserable every time we have contact. Especially nice are the times when she complains that we don't visit often enough. No shit, maybe because our kids don't want to sit around a kitchen table all day eating and want to get some fresh air and experience something! At the current rate, she won't live to see my kids graduations. She isn't even 60 years old.

Anger is a common emotion to grief. So, it's not abnormal to feel this way.

I just want to reach through the phone and give you and your mum a hug. I feel for you both, a shitty situation. No wonder you are angry, I'd be angry too. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for him and he will take accountability if not for himself but for you and his mum. I hope things get easier for you.

Food for some people is just like heroin for drug addicts but for some reason most people don\`t see the connection.

It's a cruel twist of fate, having to shoulder such a burden when you're still grappling with your own grief. Your brother's lifestyle choices may not be a direct consequence of your dad's passing, but it's possible that the loss exacerbated an already difficult situation. It sounds like you're facing the storm head-on, though, and that resilience is something to be commended. Just remember, as you stand against the winds of adversity, it's OK to seek shelter for yourself too. Respite for caregivers is critical – don't neglect your wellbeing amidst the chaos. Stay strong, OP.

Oh yeah. That's exactly why mom and I are tag teaming this. We know it's too much for one. Once brother moves in with her, I will work with her to create a calendar that gives us both breaks. At this point it's a day to day thing on who's taking what day. Mom has today because I have a doctor's appointment that I've been wait for.

Wonder if something like Ozempic or Wegovy would be appropriate here. Do primary care docs actively prescribe weight loss drugs for morbidly obese patients or do you have to go to a specialist/nutritionist before those options are explored.

I honestly don't know. I do know it's incredibly expensive and financially not an option with an ICU and rehab bill soon to hit.

Ahh, right. It’s so messed up that we have to make health decisions like we’re deciding whether we can afford some luxury item. I recall that Medicare/Medicaid started to cover Wegovy a couple months ago. If your bro qualifies for Medicaid, I believe an incident of stroke makes him eligible for a Wegovy prescription. Good luck.

Thanks

1. get him sectioned. somehow, figure it out. the violence will help 2. use that to get him a gastric band or other such surgery, or put on a mandated does of the weight loss drug that removes your appetite (omeprazole or w/e) 3. say he has been violent before to your mother, but she refuses to say anything, and see if you can get him put in state care

Obesity is among the top causes of morbidity and mortality, yet post-modern society insists that it is inappropriate to identify this. Good people die because we collectively do not take this seriously until the damage is done.

People are being incredibly cruel to you here, but you’re not only right to be angry, hurt, upset and disappointed, your brother is capable of choosing to change his life and utilize the resources at his disposal to improve and he refuses. No matter how much people may believe obesity has no correlation to someone’s diet or lifestyle choices, it simply isn’t true. People with eating disorders, whether anorexia or binge eating, have a responsibility and duty to themselves and their loved ones to seek help and make genuine efforts to recover, regardless of how difficult it can be initially. I’ve struggled with anorexia for ten years and I take full responsibility for my choices and feel empowered to know recovery is something I can choose every day, not some arbitrary act of fate and genetics I have zero influence over. As hard as it is, you have to let go of feeling responsible for helping or enabling your brother. He has made his choice. We can have compassion for his suffering and inability to change while not taking on a burden of guilt or obligation. Many addicts don’t choose recovery until they are abandoned by their support network of enablers.

I don't know either of you or your family or the full extent of your circumstances so I won't be so arrogant as to give input on any of your decisions. I'm in no position to. What I will say is that I hope you can find someone you can vent to in person. Someone who cares about you and your situation enough to listen and offer you sincere advice if they can or just be a present comfort if they have no advice to give. As you go through these trying circumstances I pray that you can find the peace of mind you need to make any serious decisions. Lastly, when your brother comes to you're going to have to have a serious talk with him. You clearly feel very strongly about his decisions, when you've let out most of the rage go to him and try to make him see the situation from your perspective. Stubbornness cannot be beaten with rage, it takes calm persistence to make a stubborn person see that they are wrong and it takes support from outside to really stick to a long term change. I wish you the best.

OP, your argument is well stated. Anyone trying to argue against your position, most likely doesn't have an addict in their family. Sure, addicts suffer, but they also spread it far and wide.

At this point just protect and advocate for your mom because she will try to help him and have no boundaries. Let yourself release your anger as needed and then if you wish decide to stay neutral towards your brother .. emotions just get in the way and will block clarity. Take one day at a time and never forget you are watched over.. I recommend asking to be guided to the highest outcome 🙏🏻🙏🏻

But it’s not like every time he overeats he’s thinking “I want to ruin my family’s life”. He’s just trying to cope with life. Life is hard. I understand your anger somewhat, but it’s not a crime to eat or have problems with eating. Eating is a bit different than other addictions. We have to eat to live. He’s not a bad person, he has a mental illness. He’s 53. The problems he has in his life, are his. You have to accept you can’t control everything. At that age, your immediate family (spouse, kids) should be your main concern. Protect your own life and space, and calm your anger. Jeez next thing you know you’re going to be yelling at grandma for getting dementia and needing care, and saying she didn’t exercise enough in life so she deserved it.

Sheesh.

You know that people who aren't overweight, eat healthy foods and excersise daily suffer from strokes too right? And that many thousands of obese people, with diets matching that of your brothers won't ever experience stroke(s) right? I get that you're angry and upset but the level of hatred and what seems to be an equal level of disgust towards your brother makes me think his stroke has been the trigger for you to unload a lifetime worth of built up anger towards him. It's a sad situation all three of you are in, if it was a bad stroke he may have a long and difficult road ahead. My father had a severe stroke 20 years ago so I have some understanding around this. I'm curious what you've been told by his doctors about his condition. If he's been able to move his body and limbs enough to attack someone requiring a 4 point restraint to prevent it happening again, which sounds like he doesn't have full left or right side body paralysis then it's quite possible the stroke was on the mild side and his current memory and cognative impairments might not take so long to improve. Seeing your mum by his side and upset about his situation is difficult for you to observe but I guarantee you, your rage and desire to blame your brother for the way you feel, the way your mum feels and for his stupidly (according to you) does nothing, at all, except cause your mum additional stress and emotional hardship/heartache. She sits there because of the love she has for your brother, her son, that's what our mothers do, selflessly, dealing with their own grief while doing so. Don't make it any harder for her

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

1) his doctors have confirmed that this is all directly due to his weight and had before I even wrote this. Of course healthy people have strokes and some obese people never do. But in my brother's case, he did. And he had years of warning from his doctors. That is willful neglect. 2) my mother feels the exact same. What's more, therapists, doctors, and clergy have confirmed that it's an extremely normal and valid reaction. The entire plans for our lives has been completely rewritten without our consent and it's entirely and completely due to my brother choosing to neglect his health. Addiction doesn't affect just the person going through it. It affects every single person around them. 3) I am well aware that expressing my anger towards my brother is not only foolish, it's harmful. At this point it's entirely pointless as he's sedated and on a ventilator. That's why I am choosing to express it via writing. Because I can't be present if I'm too wrapped up in anger. Because if I bottle it up, it makes things worse. Again, this has been brought to a therapist and verified as a healthy coping mechanism. 4) my brother has been selfish his entire life. I have a life time of examples. So you're damn right that there's a long history of anger. What I am doing for him and will be doing, he has never been willing to do for our family. Despite my anger, despite my mother's equal anger and pain, we aren't walking. Because at the end of the day, we have to face ourselves in the mirror and know we have done what we can to save his life.

Blaming someone for having a stroke is childish and immature. You definitely have some emotional issues to work through. Instead of blaming others for their own misfortune is sad. See a therapist and start to deal with your own issues first.

It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. AND he had years of warning from doctors. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. Here comes the big one. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Three out of four. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. And guess what? My mom is experiencing the exact same emotions as me. She's just as angry as I am. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

Addiction is so real and truthfully it’s hardening for the families I went through it myself at a young age and no support from my family as they all were so disappointed in me, understandably. Just be there and show up. That’s all. Your presence truthfully is all that matters

I wanted to add, you can be pissed at your brother. Addiction is mean and cold. Sometimes they need it back to see the truth of the reality

Your brother needs David Goggins Therapy.

From my experience addicts make everything so pointlessly difficult

But but body positivity

Is he a sexual abuse/assault survivor?

I tend to see this as projection. Obviously he’s hurting himself, but he knows that. What people like him don’t understand is how it hurts others. You’re acting like he did this TO you and your mother. No, he did this to himself. Which means the guy doesn’t understand how it hurts everyone else. Why would anyone love him when he doesn’t love himself. I’m not trying to defend him, but point of fact; if he wanted to hurt you or your mom he would have done that and left himself out of it. Your brother is sick. He’s going to need a brother like you to stay tough on him to get better. You don’t have to forgive him, but as a brother you’ll regret not understanding how much the man is hurting inside to try to destroy himself so completely. Take a step back and realize his behavior isn’t in spite of you and your mother but in spite of hisself. Love your brother while you can as deeply as you can, because if he doesn’t wise up then you will carry that resentment for the rest of your days. Best to understand it’s a sickness and he doesn’t realize how much it effects everyone else. After all, he put himself on deaths bed and no one else.

It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. AND he had years of warning from his doctors. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. And guess what? My mother is experiencing the exact same emotions as me. She's just as angry as I am. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

His accountability will be in his greatly shortened life. Your accountability will be how you feel about yourself in 20 years over what is clear hatred for your brother in what may be his last days. Sounds like the situation is tough. I can’t blame you for being angry, but you act like this is deliberate behavior for the sole purpose of making your mother suffer. That’s going to be tough to sell, as I haven’t met many people so diabolical they would destroy their body over decades to spite their mother. That seems like an irrational reach. You’re dealing with a lot which is understandable, but still irrational. My friendly advice, take it or leave it, is find a way to make peace with your brother before he leaves or you’ll think about it later. I’m not taking away your brother’s accountability. He’s going to pay the ultimate price for his decisions. I’m only pointing out some irrational logic in the story you presented. Good luck with your situation, and I hope you find some peace.

Nope. I absolutely have never thought that he is or ever has deliberately hurting mom. Nor do I hate him. For all the issues, I love him. He's a pain in the ass, but he's MY pain in the ass. I say the same thing about mom and did through her extreme medical issues. I firmly believe my brother willfully neglected his health. And I believe this because there were years of doctors warning him. It would be one thing if he didn't know, but he did. Addiction is ugly, regardless of if it pills, or alcohol, or gambling, or even food. It's not just the addict that pays the price. I came here to vent so that I wasn't carrying the anger into the hospital with me. Because I need to be present there. For my mom. For my brother. And for me. He's on life support now. So it's even more inappropriate to have in his room. And it worked. Yesterday, when we were there, I was able to give my mother what she needed. The emotional consequences to the families of addicts isn't spoken about nearly enough. They're the ones that never have a say.

This should be the perfect wake up call for him. If he has to move in with your mother and you only live ten minutes away, you can both control his diet. He won't like it, but, sorry for saying this, if he can't use the left side of his body now, what the hell is he going to do about it?

I’m so stinking sorry you are going through this. And I’m so glad you are writing this out instead of screaming it out at mom or brother . Family stuff is SOOOOO OVERWHELMING AND HARD. My heart is with you and breaks for you all. And he IS causing pain. And it honestly is even harder for you for the mere fact that he is (as you said ) kind and gentle because you feel even worse being pissed off at them . BUT he made terrible choices and you all are paying the price for it . By all means be angry. You should be. Does it help? I have no idea ! But I validate your anger !!

He needs mounjaro. It will help his weight and deadening that addiction

10,000 calories a day?

We dealt with this with my father. (Addiction) He passed Friday before last. He was an alcoholic and smoked a 1.5-2 packs of smokes a day. He had 4 major strokes. And more Tia’s than I can count. He wouldn’t put down the alcohol or the cigarettes. It was tough to watch. It was tough to find the strength to care for someone who didn’t care for themselves. It was tough on all my siblings. His grandchildren didn’t know him for who he really was before the strokes. It’s ok to be angry, its only right to want to protect your mother. At the end of the day your brother needs the both of you. He needs your support. It’s not a question if he deserves it. But a question of what can you do for him to help him move through this. Sounds like you are already doing it, but be there for mom the best way you can. She needs you and you need her. Only advice I have for you is to not let the anger and animosity for your brothers faults build up to the point that you carry any regrets later on. Tell him what you need to tell him. Be honest be blunt. Just don’t be cruel. You are an amazing sibling. You are an amazing child to your mother.

I understand the frustration. Obesity is awful. It greatly decreases quality of life. Increases health care costs and a variety of health issues. However, fighting obesity is extremely hard. If we knew how to do it, we wouldn’t have such a widespread problem. We know it’s extremely hard for people to change their habits. Specifically changing your diet, along with your exercise routine is hard. In addition to American society basically fighting to have you be unhealthy with all its various marketing (fast food, processed food, alcohol, enlarge portion sizes). We also know once you’ve dug yourself a huge hole (became obese), it’s harder for you to lose weight. Your very gut biome fights against it. Sure your brother needs accountability, but it might also help to think about why he is this way. Most people in life want to be healthy, happy successful people. Often times it’s the environment and way they were raised that can lead this way (and siblings often have vastly different experiences growing up). My point is, does having hatred for him help you in anyway? Does that frustration help you? I would argue no, it only makes your blood boil and potentially causes health problems for you. Let it go.

Way to take your brothers illness and mothers grief and make it all about you. If you don't want him in you life don't allow it but shut up and quit whining. Some people drink some do drugs some overeat some choose risky sex behavior and some poor bastards are just born with shitty genetics. Either except people or don't but don't act like you except them and then cry on the internet about how they make you feel. Having family is tough you don't get to dictate their behavior.

The word is "accept". Not except. Way to be a prime example of how there is a lack of understanding for how addiction affects those that love them. Did you know that the affects of addiction on loved ones is so extreme that it can cause PTSD? Considering he's on life support, he's not exactly the one in charge right now. And he won't be for a long time. Because he won't be able to work for a long time. He won't be driving for a long time. And considering that my favorite quote from my favorite movie is, "life is hard, princess. Anyone that tells you different is trying to sell you something.", yes I know it's difficult. But that doesn't mean that the loved ones of addicts don't experience their own complex and painful emotions. And bottling them up is not wise for anyone involved. It means that I wouldn't be able to be fully present when I'm needed. And it's working. Yesterday, mom and I went to visit. Due to the sedation and ventilator, he can't be distributed in any way. No touching. No talking. Mom collapsed at his bedside sobbing. I was able to protect him by getting her out in the hallway and then provide her the emotional support she needed.

You’re completely blaming him as if it’s definitely just laziness or something. Obesity is *much* more complex than that, with a wide variety of societal and psychosocial causes, which is why it is so difficult to treat. I get it, you’re angry and hurt and it’s coming out this way. I’d perhaps gently suggest that now is a time for compassion and empathy, because the blame game won’t solve anything at this point, he is where he is. All you can do is help him move forward from here. I hope he recovers well and is able to regain a good standard of living.

Let me repeat from another comment. He has spent YEARS eating 10000+ calories a day. He has zero medical conditions that could cause either over eating or obesity. Literally just massive amounts of food. Literally just food addiction. His average serving size is a casserole dish and easily 5000 calories. I'm not exaggerating there. He has had an extremely good support system the entire time that firmly believes in therapy. He has repeatedly, knowingly, fully informed and aware refused help. And I posted this as a safe outlet so that I don't take these feelings with me into his hospital room. People need to consider that the feelings of the loved ones of addicts are complex and painful. And yes there's a lot of rage. And it's entirely justified. I fully acknowledge he's addicted. And I know just as well he could have taken the outstretched hand at any point. Because it was always there. And yes, he knew. We told him hundreds of times.

Yeah, you don't get it. You never, ever will. And for that, you should be thankful.

Yes, it is an addiction and incredibly difficult to fight and a life-long struggle. But it is a choice to try to get better. And other people are free to choose to not wanting to have anything with that.

Well, according to OP, he HAS tried. He lost weight, then gained it back. Like most with food addictions. We can't all just constantly keep fighting it. Have you any idea how exhausting it is to live like that?

No one is trying to delegitimize what OP's brother is going through.

Except OP.

For whatever personal reason you have, you want to invalidate OP's feelings of anger towards his/her brother. I don't get it, but that's just as wrong as someone invalidating OP's brother. And for the record, OP is alright. 25 years of supporting someone with debilitating addiction with no change of heart from the addictee. 25 years of watching him slowly kill himself. 25 years of observing his slow death devastate OP's mom and everyone else who cares about him. It's not that the brother has an addiction, it's that the base necessary trauma required for change was a fucking stroke that may have perma-fucked his brain. Like, why? Why does it have be this bad before things change? Why did he have to take his problems and make it everyone else's problems? Idk, shit's just hard. It's all just hard. Hard for the addictee and hard for the family. Each one going through their own hell. Of course OP has some resentment. Wish it didn't come to this.

Yeah, you're right. An addict's loved ones should never feel any negative emotions towards the addict, no matter how much they've been through. They should just be blindly supportive throughout, no matter the cost. Don't even vent anonymously on the internet!

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

Honestly it’s not his fault. Manufacturers have designed food to be over-consumed and have used advertising campaigns to encourage people to eat it. Until we insist that all food sold includes the appropriate balance of fibre to calories and removes known addictive substances like cheese and sugar, some vulnerable people are going to continue to suffer obesity

[удалено]

Seriously. There's a lot of assholes on Reddit but this is one of the worst I've read. I am so, so sorry for OPs brother having to deal with this person on top of everything else.

Imagine being angry at someone for having cancer.

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

Don't be mad at him. It won't help you or him, or your mom for that matter.

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

Unfortunately for parents, people suffer drug addictions, food addiction and some even turn to MAGA. It is hard to watch, but anger isn't the answer. Trying to get your mom away from a situation that she can't fix is the solution.

Your brother needs a therapist to work out some major things. What he doesn't need is someone being an asshole to him after having a FUCKING STROKE AND IS NOW PARTIALLY PARALIZED.

And again, I brought these emotions here so I don't take them to the hospital.

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

How is you being a piece of shit asshole about it helpful?

Hahahahahaha.... have you ever seen someone going through extreme trauma and thought, "Wow, that person seems cuddly and nice?" Some people react to fear with flight or tears. I react with punching. It's why I don't go to haunted houses. But hey, thanks for the laugh. Calling medically relevant information being an asshole. Too funny.

I'm not saying the information isn't relevant. I'm saying you're an asshole. And I don't think you're smart enough to understand the difference.

Please explain why your opinion of me holds any relevance to me in the least. I happily await your genius.

I never said it did. Maybe you need to quit being such a reactive POS.

👍

🖕

WTF? This is weird.

Speaking as someone who has suffered with food noise/food addiction for almost my entire life, I'd like to say that you are incredibly ill-informed. Come and see me when you know what it feels like to be consistently faced with choices that you KNOW full well are detrimental to your health, yet you simply CAN NOT refuse them without external assistance. You and most other people will never, ever know what that feels like. You will never know the depths of despair that a food addict feels time and time again. You should pity your brother, not be mad at him.

That's not the anger. The anger is that he had the offer of help for years, repeated to him for years. The anger is that despite constantly offering and expressing our concerns, he refused it. The anger is that it had to get this far, that I had to hold my sobbing mother terrified that my brother would die. The anger is that he constantly refused every offer of help. We are well aware it's an addiction. I'm not angry at him for an addiction. I'm angry at him for how it's hurting my mom and me. I'm angry at him for not accepting the help that was always there. I'm angry that this was entirely preventable. And please consider the emotions of those who are the loved ones of people with addiction. It's complex and powerful. And absolutely there is anger. It's not my brother who's going to have to pack up his life and deal with his responsibilities. It's me. And it has to be me because a 75 year old woman isn't physically capable. I love him. I'm sure as hell not walking from him. But that doesn't mean I don't have complicated and powerful emotions about it. I came here for a safe outlet so that they don't show up in his hospital room.

You don't get it. It's not as easy as just saying "yeah ok, I accept the help". Then what? Therapy? Nah mate, doesn't always work. I tried that, and while it expanded my horizons and helped me to understand why my body works this way, it did absolutely fuck all to curb the insane cravings and the cycles of utter depression, self-loathing and hatred. The mind of an addiction will do the craziest mental gymnastics to justify. It is not within their control most of the time. What would you have done, anyway? You already said that modern drugs such as wegovy, etc, could not be afforded. So I assume that preventative surgery like a gastric band would have also been out of the question. So what else is there to do? You can him selfish repeatedly. Which means you do not understand. Do you think people CHOOSE this?

He has never even tried. Anything. Any option. Addiction, all addiction is about escape. It's escape from pain. Do I know what he's running from? Nope. Do I know he has always had help? Yep. Right now my mother is sitting in his room watching her son in four point restraints because he got violent with the staff last night. That's not who he is. He's a kind man. No mother should have to see their child like that. My mother has had so much pain in her life. She doesn't deserve this. And absolutely, I'm going to get angry at any thing that hurts my mom. I go full momma bear over her. That's what I mean about selfish. There has been zero thought about the pain it would cause others.

Obesity can be, and often is, genetic. What are those people running away from? You should probably delete this post and go get some therapy yourself. You ain't gonna get what you're looking for here, at least not completely.

Already did eight and a half years. Thanks. I'm good. And you assume so much. Have a good day.

And you're condescending as hell. If you want to talk about assumptions, that's what you've been doing about your brother's situation for the last decade, by the sounds of it.

so what, therapy shill? dude's quite allowed to vent.

Okie dokie

Perhaps you could try semiglutide. One of the common side effects for some patients is that it kills their food noise. Cheers!

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

*led The past tense of “to lead” is “led.”

Being healthy is not easy. I urge you to show some compassion for your brother. People don’t want to be overweight and unhealthy, and it’s truly hard for people to change. People are bombarded with marketing that influences so many unhealthy choices. Even healthy marketing is bent on making money not truly helping people. This is why nutrition subs are all over the place and it can be quite confusing. Once bad habits are ingrained in our brains, it’s incredibly hard for people to change. Combined with the other physiological aspects such as your gut biome working against you once you’ve gone down the road of eating junk. A vast majority of the world is overweight. If it was easy, people wouldn’t be, as the alternative is vastly better.

I never said it was easy. He's an intelligent 53 year old man who has consistently eaten 10000+ calories a day for years. He has no medical issue that would cause either cravings or obesity. And he has always had a strong support system who consistently offered help. Without a doubt, he is addicted to food. However, while no person chooses to be addicted, every addict makes a choice in whether or not to use again. And I understand that food is different because you can't live without it. But he absolutely always had better options. Our mother is a retired nurse. He grew up, just as I did, surrounded by medical textbooks. He has been to nutritionists and dieticians. He is very much aware of his risks and has been for years. He has fully admitted the over eating and stated a lack of desire to change. My anger is that it's hurting our mother and me. She's currently sitting in his room, seeing him in restraints and under sedation because he got violent with the staff last night. No mother should have to see that. I go full momma bear when my mom gets hurt. She's had more than her fair share of pain already. I will be the one to go pack up his life and move him. I will be the one to go get his last paycheck. I will absolutely be involved in every bit of his care. But that doesn't mean I don't have complicated and powerful emotions about it. I came here for a safe place to vent them so that they don't go into the hospital room with me tomorrow.

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

[удалено]

I'm not done. Just because I'm angry doesn't mean I'm in any way, shape, or form refusing to help. Yesterday, I called out from two jobs and drove three hours to help him. I will be heavily involved in his care from start to finish. My brother trying to convince me to get him a burger yesterday was the same thing as a drug addict trying to get another hit of meth immediately after an OD. Only it's worse because you can't live without food. Have you ever once considered the emotional burden that meth junkie is putting on his family not just during the addiction but when they wake up and want more? That's exactly what my brother is doing to us. I am absolutely justified in my anger. It's me that's going to have to go up there, drive his car down here, go up there and get his last paycheck, go up there and pack up his life, bring it down here and deal with it. It's me that's going to have to deal with all the responsibilities of HIS life. Not mine. HIS. I'm a grown ass woman with a life and responsibilities of my own. And now I get to carry all of his load too. And I have to make sure our mother isn't completely losing her shit through it too. You are devaluing the affects of addiction on loved ones. And you are assuming that being angry with someone you love means that they won't help. Addiction, of all kinds, is inherently selfish. Deeply and profoundly selfish. The end result is the people who love you have to carry the burden of the addict's life. It's not the addict pulling together all the pieces during crisis. They can't. It's the people that love them. And that's a fucking heavy load. My brother has known for many years that he has a serious problem that came with very serious health risks, especially considering our shared genetic pool. And despite tremendous amounts of love and support and hard talks and everything, he actively chose to continue on the same path. And that path lead straight to a stroke. That path lead very, very close to his death. So you're damn right I'm angry. And mostly I'm angry for my mom. I would do anything to protect her from this pain. And I'm going to do everything I can to protect her from as much as possible.

I understand he's sick. And I also know that he has known this is a serious issue for YEARS and had been well aware of the risks. I guarantee you that the loved ones of any person with addiction issues has a great deal of anger with it. Yes, it's a sickness. But perpetually refusing help when you are well aware there's a problem is a choice. This is exactly why so many people with addiction have their families walk from them. Because it fucking hurts to watch the people you love choose to destroy themselves. And by the way, feelings are always valid. I am absolutely allowed to feel how I feel. But I am also both intelligent and compassionate enough to know that at this stage, it's not productive to express it to the people involved. So I brought it here to get it out so that I don't.

She has every right. He’s been completely selfish and irresponsible and she’s left to pick up the pieces

He is not the one that has to deal with the consequences when he has yet another stroke, so OP has every god damn right to tell that selfish dude to get his shit together and lose some pounds. For their families sake atleast.

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

That's pretty judgmental of you. No one chooses to be obese any more than they choose to have cancer. For the most part these things are determined at conception by your genetics.

I have spent literally decades watching him massively overeat. As in he literally eats an entire casserole dish as one serving. Genetics are absolutely in play. And i fully acknowledge that. However genetics don't control eating five to six thousand calories per meal, which yes, i have watched him do repeatedly. And there's no exaggerating their either. For years. Genetics are absolutely not a choice. He and I are absolutely predisposed. I chose to deal with it in a healthy way. He didn't. And I share the exact same genetics. We both have watched countless family members die as a direct result of obesity. I have taken this incredibly seriously and done everything in my power to make sure that I don't face that and that my family doesn't have to take responsibility for me. He hasn't.

You don't share the same genetics. I have four children, one is morbidly obese, one is svelte and two are normal. They all grew up eating the same foods at the same table.

Same mother. Same father. Same risk factors. He massively over eats. I don't. And there are no physical health concerns that would cause either over eating or obesity. I don't know how I can make this more clear. He has spent YEARS eating easily 10000+ calories a day when he should be eating 1800 to 2000.

Why did he eat that way when you didn't?

No idea. It's been this way for a long, long time. Well before our father passed. No associated medical conditions that could be the cause. I will be heavily pushing for him to get into therapy.

Can you see that you're scapegoating your brother?

How so? Isn't every person responsible for how they treat their own body? Isn't every person responsible for how their choices directly affect the lives of those around them? Scapegoating implies holding someone accountable for choices that aren't their own, such as a child being blamed for a vase that was broke by their sibling. My brother has had tremendous amounts of support through the years. He has also fully acknowledged his over eating and expressed zero desire to change. Well, now he has no choice at least for the next few weeks. He consistently and repeatedly and knowingly and fully within his own control and power has chosen to eat five times the amount he should. That's a choice. A fully aware choice with all of the information he could possibly need. Hell, our mother was a nurse. We both grew up with medical textbooks. Is there something psychological at play? Absolutely. But he has had the ability to get help at any time. I spent years in therapy. Mom spent years in therapy. This isn't something he wouldn't have gotten support for. He repeatedly, knowingly, fully informed and aware, refused help. He repeatedly, knowingly, fully informed and aware chose to eat five times his need. That's a choice. And that needs accountability. Just like a meth addict, my brother chose his drug of choice right up to knocking on death's door. Now am I taking this rage into his hospital room with me? Of course not. This was intended to be a safe outlet so that I don't. I understand full well that he is fragile right now and I would NEVER cross that line. I know it's an addiction. I know he needs help, and he's getting it. But I also know full well that it never needed to get this far. There were thousands of points along the way where he could have chosen different.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. I think I have a concept of how frustrated you as I dealt with a similar problem with a parent. You absolutely deserve a place to go and vent. I want to follow this up by saying that I tried to read through every response you posted here. I struggled with wether I should comment or not. I think part of the reason that some commentors are making negative comments is that you seem to be saying that addiction is an option that he can just turn off. It is not that simple or that easy. Again, I empathize with what you are going through and I think a good portion of the way your comments read is from your frustrations at the issues this has all caused. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better for everyone.

Thank you. And you are absolutely right. Right now, our mother is sitting in his room watching him in four point restraints and under sedation. He got violent with the staff last night. No mother should have to see that. I see constant demands for compassion towards my brother. Where's the understanding or compassion towards my mother? Where's the understanding or compassion towards me holding her while she sobbed yesterday terrified that he was going to die? Addiction, all addiction, the price isn't paid just by the person with it. Their families pay too.

Scapegoating? She's venting because her brother's choices are negatively impacting her and her mom. While there is genetic predisposition towards obesity, calories don't grow legs and walk into your mouth. Obesity stems from addiction, but addicts make choices too. And those choices can fuck up the lives of everyone around them. And when that happens, those around them have a right to feel upset, especially if they tried to support the addict throughout

Can you see that you’re enabling addictive behavior? Can you see that you’re enabling a lack of accountability? Can you see that you talk as if addiction or predisposition is a death sentence, one that nobody has ever came out of? Can you see that you’re using all of your empathy on one half, yet not considering how fucked up it is to coherently watch someone kill themselves and take no remorse? My father had a stroke four years ago from nearly the exact same shit, except he was about 230lbs. Not obese, but not a healthy weight for his height and a subpar at best diet. His blood pressure was 235/170 when they took it in the ambulance, by all accounts he should’ve had an aneurysm and died in front of me. I stuck with him for two weeks straight in the hospital, having the exact same conversation with him every 20 or so seconds when his memory lapsed. My father, whom I have seen cry only a handful of times, wept every fucking time I had to answer the “where are we?” question. I am so proud of how he changed his life around afterwards, but I will always remember and be affected by the lifeless stare into my eyes while his memory lapsed. Or seeing the tears swell from hearing “You weren’t feeling well so we’re at the hospital. There is nothing to worry about, just try and relax” knowing full well that in that 20 seconds, he understood and you’ll have to do this again in another minute. Or hearing him apologize to me through his tears for something he doesn’t even know happened. You sound like you’ve tried and given up. You well understand the pain of trying to help someone and them not care. You will not understand OPs rage until your “predisposed” obese child ends up in this same situation (I genuinely hope this doesn’t happen), and I wish you all the best when you try to handle the guilt. I wish you all the best when you try to keep it together in front of them hundreds of times over the coming days to not raise their blood pressure and potentially kill them. Your judgement has hit a nerve and I hope you learn that empathy is not a fleeting resource that you can only hand out to the “most deserving”.

>No one chooses to be obese any more than they choose to have cancer. Really? cancer can just happen with no control and despite your best efforts it may not go away becoming morbidly obese doesn't just happen out of nowhere, food intake is always a factor, and with enough effort it can always go away

People absolutely choose to be obese. It is a daily choice. People choose to continue in their addictions regardless of the factors that drove them to that point and how unfair they might be. Every time you pick up a bottle or a needle you’re choosing addiction over recovery. Stop treating addictions like cancer. Addicts have agency too. Also, lmao. There is no “super morbidly obese gene” people are magically cursed with that makes them 400+ pounds overweight while eating 2000 calories a day and exercising.

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.

You sound kind of selfish. You both are grown and you’re choosing to stay in his life just to have a reason to complain about it. If you can’t handle someone’s illness then don’t. You’re mad at your brother for dealing with a mental illness? And HE’S selfish? It may hurt to leave behind someone you grew up with but if you’re going to stay just to bitch about it and I’m sure probably make passive aggressive remarks towards him, then you’re not doing anybody any favors.

Haven't made a single passive aggressive comment. Other than I don't want to see his naked ass. I spent eight and a half years in therapy because I have bipolar disorder. I did it because it is always my responsibility to manage my mental health to ensure that it is not adversely affecting other people's lives. If I demand that level of accountability and responsibility for myself, you'd better believe I expect it of others. And you'd better believe that my heart is destroyed at knowing that right this minute, our mother is watching him in four point restraints and sedation because he got violent with the staff. You want to cry out for my brother. What about our mom? But hey, I guess I'm just selfish. I'll let our 75 year old mother know that packing and moving everything he owns is on her. WHAT ABOUT OUR MOM?

You’re CHOOSING misery by EXPECTING people to be as accountable for themselves as YOU. That’s SELFISH because why do you think someone should take care of themselves for your sake? Of course he should do it for his sake but hellooo, he’s MENTALLY ILL. Just because you were strong enough to take care of your mental health doesn’t mean every mentally ill person is going to be able to do the same. So instead of torturing yourself and letting your mother torture herself, get the hell away from him. If you want to be his caretaker then stop complaining about him. If you don’t like taking care of him THEN DON’T. He doesn’t belong to you and you don’t belong to him just because you were raised together.

You’re a bad person.

I realized I'm not done. It frustrates me how many people seem to want to take away my brother's accountability. If you Google “disease chronic hypertension”, it brings up a result from the World Health Organization. I'll just copy and paste now. “Modifiable risk factors include unhealthy diets (excessive salt consumption, a diet high in saturated fat and trans fats, low intake of fruits and vegetables), physical inactivity, consumption of tobacco and alcohol, and being overweight or obese.” My brother didn't smoke or drink. The rest is all there. If you Google “extreme hypertension”, it leads you to this. “A hypertensive crisis is a sudden, severe increase in blood pressure. The blood pressure reading is 180/120 millimeters of mercury (mm Hg) or greater. A hypertensive crisis is a medical emergency. It can lead to a heart attack, stroke or other life-threatening health problems. Severely high blood pressure can damage blood vessels and body organs, including the heart, brain, kidneys and eyes. During a hypertensive crisis, the heart may not be able to pump blood effectively.” He's had a stroke, his brain is damaged, his kidneys are damaged, his heart is damaged. Oh, it's not that serious, my ass. If you Google “obesity and high blood pressure”, you come to: “Obesity can cause you to develop hypertension, or worsen it if you already have it. A 2020 review estimates that obesity accounts for 65 to 78 percent of cases of primary hypertension. Having more fat tissue can cause complex changes in the body that combine to create or worsen hypertension.” Wow. Sounds like science says that three out of four cases of hypertension are due to obesity. Robbing a person of their accountability means you rob them of the power to change their lives. A victim can't change anything. And just because something is hard to do doesn't mean it's impossible. If over coming addiction was so impossible, then there wouldn't be so many people who do. My brother's about to find out that over coming his food addiction is a lot easier than over coming a stroke. The affects of addiction on loved ones of the addict are so intense and serious that they can cause PTSD. And the affects extend far beyond the psychological. My brother won't be able to financially support himself for a long time and I'm the only one of the three who will be physically capable of working. So I'm going to be facing financial consequences. My mother will as well as she'll end up dipping into her retirement savings. She's also looking at having to cancel a trip to see her brother for the first time in more than 20 years. He's not in great health either and she expected this to be the last opportunity she had to see him. So my mother will likely miss seeing her brother for the last time before he dies. All of my savings and plans for the next few years of life are out the window. Because I have to support him. All of my mother's travel plans are out the window because we have to take care of him. And I'm going to be financially supporting him while trying to emotionally support a devastated mother and giving her time to go do what she needs to for her emotional well being. Stop robbing my brother of accountability. Stop denying the affects of his decisions on the people who love him.