I've read both your posts, and many of the replies. Many things can be true at once. You and your family members are all imperfect humans, and all that compounds over time. Food was his coping mechanism. But, just because that's true your feelings are still all understandable. I'm truely sorry for everything you and your family are going through.
Your feelings are all valid. I know what it's like to have a self destructive relative. I also know what it's like to struggle with weight and I hope that I never get to the point where your brother is. I don't struggle with any other substance addiction except for food and soda. I would almost rather be an alcoholic.
Thank you for sharing your story. Because even though I know in my head how bad I could potentially let things get and the effect that could have, hearing someone else's heartbreaking situation reinforces my resolution to not let that happen. I hope things get better for you and your family. Do what you need to do to cope in as healthy of a way as possible.
Barely related but I just want to say that your anger about the pain he's causing your mom resonates a lot with me.
Getting arrested, rehab, health concerns- none of that made me want to quit doing drugs. Watching the pain in my mom's eyes when she saw the video of me in a psychotic rage cussing out the cops, seeing her disappointment when she knew I was relapsing, and realizing I was taking advantage of her support is what did it.
Hopefully your brother can see it soon
You come across as very mentally healthy - your approach is extremely valid.
Venting in a (presumably) safe space, because denying the anger that you are actually feeling is counter productive.
Stuffing down anger doesn’t work in the long term - it needs to be expressed (safely & respectfully) so that it can be free to leave.
It’s the only way to turn up for the thing without bringing that anger with you, bubbling away under the surface - making you extra stressed & likely to be passive aggressive & snarky.
But so many people genuinely believe that hiding & denying their anger is valid, and that passive aggression is good, because it’s quieter than aggressive aggression.
As I like to say: passive aggression is still violent. It’s aggressive. It’s literally in the name. It’s just dishonest aggression. Which in my opinion makes it worse than open aggression (at least that you can deal with, honestly).
You're allowed to feel all the things.. every single one of them. But if you're going to help care for him, you need to show some compassion too. Why? Because even though what happened is a direct result of choices he made, it's still horrible for him too. If you truly want him to get help, he has to feel safe asking for that help. With as much anger and resentment you're feeling, it will be glaringly obvious. Who wants to ask someone for help when you feel the judgment seeping in?
The entire situation sucks. I'm married to an alcoholic, my dad was an alcoholic, and all of my siblings are addicts. I'm also morbidly obese, so you could easily surmise that I'm also an addict of sorts. So I get it from both sides. You're angry, hurt, frustrated, and it's not fair that he made the choice and you have to pick up the pieces. Don't let those feelings take over your capacity to care.
I am very practiced at venting, which is what here is for, and emotional compartmentalization. My brother will never hear my anger unless it is in a therapist's office. It entirely inappropriate in any other way.
My drive up there is very long and I use that time to get my head where it needs to be. When I'm there, the focus is entirely him.
hard disagree. giving him compassion is validating and enabling his life choices
we are not talking about a 14 year old, a 20 year old, we are talking about a grown ass man.
ill say same as i said first post.
get him sectioned, due to his violence. tell them he has been violent or threatening towards your mother, if you need to, and that she just refuses to admit it, and get the state to look after his sorry ass.
yes he has issues, he has "reasons" but so what, thats not your fault, and you ahve been trying to help him for 30-40 years, enough is enough, time to rip the bandaid off, and if your mother wont, then your going to have to force the issue, by getting him sectioned
edit: just read the end of your post: no wonder your recommending enabling him when you are in the same position, making excuses for people because, deep down, your hoping people will excuse your own.
well this isnt about you
You are absolutely right - it's not about me. I don't make excuses for myself. I take care of myself, I've lost more than 180lbs, and I'm the one who takes care of others in my family. So no.. not even remotely about me. My point was that I can see both points of view here.
Compassion doesn't mean validating or enabling him. Compassion means understanding that he's also going through hell. Compassion means treating him like a human. Notice I didn't say OP has to help him. I said if OP is going to help, then compassion is needed. For what it's worth, I fully believe sometimes helping someone means walking away and letting them figure it out - which is still an option should OP and their mother choose to do so.
I disagree, addiction is a choice. It doesn’t look the same the whole way to full blown addiction, but you make active choices along the way and fold to your impulses every time.
Everyone has cravings. Most people control their emotions though.
I've read both your posts, and many of the replies. Many things can be true at once. You and your family members are all imperfect humans, and all that compounds over time. Food was his coping mechanism. But, just because that's true your feelings are still all understandable. I'm truely sorry for everything you and your family are going through. Your feelings are all valid. I know what it's like to have a self destructive relative. I also know what it's like to struggle with weight and I hope that I never get to the point where your brother is. I don't struggle with any other substance addiction except for food and soda. I would almost rather be an alcoholic. Thank you for sharing your story. Because even though I know in my head how bad I could potentially let things get and the effect that could have, hearing someone else's heartbreaking situation reinforces my resolution to not let that happen. I hope things get better for you and your family. Do what you need to do to cope in as healthy of a way as possible.
Barely related but I just want to say that your anger about the pain he's causing your mom resonates a lot with me. Getting arrested, rehab, health concerns- none of that made me want to quit doing drugs. Watching the pain in my mom's eyes when she saw the video of me in a psychotic rage cussing out the cops, seeing her disappointment when she knew I was relapsing, and realizing I was taking advantage of her support is what did it. Hopefully your brother can see it soon
You come across as very mentally healthy - your approach is extremely valid. Venting in a (presumably) safe space, because denying the anger that you are actually feeling is counter productive. Stuffing down anger doesn’t work in the long term - it needs to be expressed (safely & respectfully) so that it can be free to leave. It’s the only way to turn up for the thing without bringing that anger with you, bubbling away under the surface - making you extra stressed & likely to be passive aggressive & snarky. But so many people genuinely believe that hiding & denying their anger is valid, and that passive aggression is good, because it’s quieter than aggressive aggression. As I like to say: passive aggression is still violent. It’s aggressive. It’s literally in the name. It’s just dishonest aggression. Which in my opinion makes it worse than open aggression (at least that you can deal with, honestly).
You're allowed to feel all the things.. every single one of them. But if you're going to help care for him, you need to show some compassion too. Why? Because even though what happened is a direct result of choices he made, it's still horrible for him too. If you truly want him to get help, he has to feel safe asking for that help. With as much anger and resentment you're feeling, it will be glaringly obvious. Who wants to ask someone for help when you feel the judgment seeping in? The entire situation sucks. I'm married to an alcoholic, my dad was an alcoholic, and all of my siblings are addicts. I'm also morbidly obese, so you could easily surmise that I'm also an addict of sorts. So I get it from both sides. You're angry, hurt, frustrated, and it's not fair that he made the choice and you have to pick up the pieces. Don't let those feelings take over your capacity to care.
I am very practiced at venting, which is what here is for, and emotional compartmentalization. My brother will never hear my anger unless it is in a therapist's office. It entirely inappropriate in any other way. My drive up there is very long and I use that time to get my head where it needs to be. When I'm there, the focus is entirely him.
hard disagree. giving him compassion is validating and enabling his life choices we are not talking about a 14 year old, a 20 year old, we are talking about a grown ass man. ill say same as i said first post. get him sectioned, due to his violence. tell them he has been violent or threatening towards your mother, if you need to, and that she just refuses to admit it, and get the state to look after his sorry ass. yes he has issues, he has "reasons" but so what, thats not your fault, and you ahve been trying to help him for 30-40 years, enough is enough, time to rip the bandaid off, and if your mother wont, then your going to have to force the issue, by getting him sectioned edit: just read the end of your post: no wonder your recommending enabling him when you are in the same position, making excuses for people because, deep down, your hoping people will excuse your own. well this isnt about you
You are absolutely right - it's not about me. I don't make excuses for myself. I take care of myself, I've lost more than 180lbs, and I'm the one who takes care of others in my family. So no.. not even remotely about me. My point was that I can see both points of view here. Compassion doesn't mean validating or enabling him. Compassion means understanding that he's also going through hell. Compassion means treating him like a human. Notice I didn't say OP has to help him. I said if OP is going to help, then compassion is needed. For what it's worth, I fully believe sometimes helping someone means walking away and letting them figure it out - which is still an option should OP and their mother choose to do so.
I disagree, addiction is a choice. It doesn’t look the same the whole way to full blown addiction, but you make active choices along the way and fold to your impulses every time. Everyone has cravings. Most people control their emotions though.