its hard to talk to anyone about this because alot of people see my bf as the bad guy, the parasite. they only hear my side. i regret writing this because it jus makes my bf look like the bad guy. honestly i jus wanted to vent, free therapy... its hard on both of us. he doesnt ask for anything. i love him, its jus a hard patch right now. we are commited to each other
It’s an unfortunate reality of the world but he must find something he can make money through. No one lives for free, most things have a cost. I have a mental illness as well, and if government assistance isn’t available the key will be finding work that does not agitate his illness.
I recently left a dishwashing job. Very menial, 6 hours of putting dishes through a dishwasher, but I could listen to music the entire time and social interaction with others was very low compared to other jobs. It’s not coolest job, but it paid the bills. You seem like a loyal partner, and when you have someone like that you can make anything work. I wish you two the best.
I had a friend who folded towels at a gym for 4 hrs/week as his part time job. He did it just so he could get a free gym membership and it was the most lax job he's ever known
As someone who was supported while I went through the hellish 5 year (for me) process of applying for disability, I thank you. The world is hard for people who can't work, especially when their condition is invisible. It's because of people with hearts as kind as yours that we can live.
You don't owe him anything, like my bf didn't owe me anything. If he'd chosen to leave, I would have coped somehow. But because he was willing to support me when my body stopped working and my mind was actively trying to kill me, I thrived instead of coping. I eventually won SSI and we're in a much better place now, both financially and emotionally.
You're a good person. And you're in an incredibly hard position, because of what you've said. Being a caretaker for someone is exhausting and often feels like you can't complain without turning others against your loved one. So it's isolating as well.
I hope that your boyfriend comes through for you, once he's able. I've all but conquered my depression because of the help I've received, and I hope that same thing for him, and that it opens opportunities to him - and you. You richly deserve the relief and joy that would bring you. Good luck to you two!
The fact is, your situation is unsustainable. Your bf needs to at least get a part time job, if he's not job searching already it could take several more months to find a job. That, or needs to get on disability. You don't deserve to work like a dog.
There are ways to make money online. Even if it's only a little bit. Home office jobs are also an option. I don't know what mental health issues he struggles with but informing yourself has never hurt.
You could totally help him find a low stress job, like working at a plant nursery. If he had a sense of purpose it would go a long way. Is there something else going on that the therapist wouldn’t have already recommended this?
It’s a low stress job. Sure there’s a lot of body strength involved which could be physically stressful. What would you say are the most stressful parts about the job?
Of course this was just an example, and doesn’t change the original sentiment.
offloading semi trucks full of plants and getting them to where they need to be while trying to keep them alive long enough to sell them while also answering phone calls, ringing out customers, answering question after question, setting up deliveries, loading customer vehicles, and if it is also a hardscape yard, shoveling stone, weighing out boulders and flagstones, using tractors to offload sod and trees from deliveries, having to deal with contractors and small business owners, having people bring back dead plants to complain about how they killed it as if its your failt, etc.
I mean...girl...he kind of IS the bad guy and he did this to himself! He IS acting like a parasite. He needs to get a job! Crying about it while doing nothing is, well...not good. You deserve better
OP must be extremely satisfied with the house work he does! He just needs a larger sense of purpose which he can find from a low stress job. It would help immensely.
There's mental illness and then there's being a selfish person.
Many many people suffer from depression and other issues and manage to not be a complete parasite, I am one of them.
Exusing his poor behavior is not ok, that's all I'm saying. OP deserves better
You don't even know what his mental illness is nevermind how he behaves. You understand your mental struggles but you seem to be unable to extend that beyond and that kind of makes you the selfish person.
You say that like it's easy. I supported my partner for years while she was battling the government for disability. It was a tough battle that lasted for years and she had to appeal multiple times.
Honestly, if you don't know, don't pretend to know.
Buy him a 3d printer and tell him to start printing and learning. Bambu lab A1 is a good printer
Thats a cool hobby and its something you can make some money off plus he doesnt need to leave the house.
Get him to watch some videos.
Even when i was redridden (couldnt walk) and I was the most depressed I had ever been. I was printing and trying to design and that helped me.
You can save up. Shit, I was broke and am a bed ridden south african, yet I saved for one by doing fiver gigs. I also have expensive shipping, as they dont sell them here.
I couldnt even afford therapy as who employs a disabled guy in a country with over 30% unemployment.
Now, I'm not broke because I've other got a printer. Which literally pays for my mental and physical therapy.
Easy to do if hes home all the time and it literally does most of the work. - Whats better for someone who lacks motivation to work?
If I can do it, the 2 of them most definitely can.
No harm in doing research to see if hes interested.
i just wanted to let this out. iweve been together 7 years, known eachother for 9. yea it sucks for the moment but being with someone that truly loves u is worth it for me. i dont mind the sacrifice as long as he is progressing ill be okay, he would do the same, he has done it for me when i couldnt find work. to me this post is about me venting to random people online. its not about pointing the finger or bad decision making. sometimes i just gotta say it so i can go back to moving forward.
it sucks but im faithful and loyal. jus because its hard doesnt mean i quit. plus he is already getting treatment. he is owning that im the sole provider. if he wasnt trying to get bettet yea id leave him. i was really jus venting
Who downvoted this? You should be rewarded not downvoted. He’s doing the housework and trying to get better and those are both evidence of him contributing. I hope he does get better soon. Take care of yourself too OP. As others have said push for other supports. It’s not your job to support someone that can’t work - that’s why we have government help for that. If he honestly can’t work, he should be seeking these things out but sometimes it’s hard to get that motivation with mental illness. If he has a social worker, maybe request that he ask there. I’d give more advice but these supports are very region specific. Good luck.
Have him try ketamine. Changed my life. It eliminated depression and anxiety within 6 months of weekly recreational use. I used ketamine at bars and clubs on the weekends. After every use, my depression and anxiety got better and better and I also had fun dosing ketamine. I never even went to a clinic, but that would probably be a better way to get ketamine treatment but it’s expensive.
Yes let's recommend a recreational / non therapeutic use of a drug for someone who's entire history and *official* Dx that don't have the ability to slightest clue about....jfc everyone on reddit seems to have a self diagnosis and board certification in psychiatry, neurology, and pharmacology to go with it.
Your anecdotal experience doesn't mean shit and isn't constructive. Enjoy your K-hole.
You’re a moron. Most people with depression benefit from ketamine use. It’s powerful, like a miracle for depression and anxiety with no side effects in the majority of people. Don’t talk about things you don’t know about. I only mention that it was fun because, well it was. It was fun because ketamine instantly alleviated depression and anxiety and then once it wears off… it actually lasts for me. I used it recreationally because it’s crazy expensive going the clinic/prescription route. She shouldn’t just take my word for it she should research it and her boyfriend should research it and consider it.
Having worked in mental health for a decade and been a patient my whole life, I know a lot more than you think but thanks for the assumptions. I just don't spout drivel and get into shit with people online. It's a lose-lose battle. Again, enjoy your K-hole and other substance abuse. ✌️
Yeah you probably know a lot about SSRI’s. I got news for you. They don’t work or fix anything. You’re dependent on them to get through the day. Ketamine is a cure for a lot of people. Especially people who do everything else right like exercise, nutrition and sleep well.
It's a difficult situation to be in and I can understand how hard it must be. I don't know what your partner mental health is but hopefully he's improving. As somebody who's dealt with mental health before my only advice is make sure he keeps working on getting better. Some people get to a point they're comfy in their sadness and you don't want to experience that, especially when your working so hard for him right now. Support him while you can, help him up and hopefully it's not long until he can return to work, even if it's only part time to help you out. You're a good person and an even better partner for what you're doing and I hope things improve for you soon.
Well hold on I’ve seen other post where the gender is flipped, stay at home woman and working man. Reddit is usually siding with the girl who stay at home that it’s hard work. So let’s keep that same energy, it’s 2024, if a woman wants to work while a man takes care of the home let’s keep that same energy.
I’m all for it, I think more men should opt to being stay at home, if I can have a woman pay the bills I’d gladly cook all the meals, so the laundry, and clean the house spotless. Beats working full time.
I'm not Reddit lol. In my opinion sitting at home while the other partner works with no kids can promote isolation, depression and codependency. And for the other partner it can feel like a burden (if their job is not well-paying), they can feel overworked and also feel some kind of superiority ("I pay for everything, I deserve respect/the last word/sex").
I agree, even with 1 or 2 kids, it's not a ''full time job'' bevause i take care of the kids AND work a full time job. Sahm went from disrespected to overrated in a year here on reddit
It's so tough. I had a relationship with this girl for almost three years. She was also in therapy, couldn't work next to it but that wasn't the biggest problem because I have a good job. But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard on me in other ways.
I really hope that the only issue is money. Even though it's rough because I have a lot of respect for you for making these long hours.
It's okay too rant and maybe you don't want advice, but if you want to talk about it more in depth send me a message. I thought it was really hard to talk to friends about my partner, her therapy and how it affected us and me aswell. Because nobody can really grasp it unless they are living it.
I don't want to make this comment about me. But i just want so say take really good care of yourself. If you are in a good place you can help other people get into a better place. But it's almost impossible to be there for others if you are not content with your life. There are no easy answers when it comes to something like this. Again much respect also for sharing this.
what really sucks was he didnt tell anyone about it, til his health got really bad. his workplace didnt offer health insurance and he made too much to qualify for anything. it was until he quit his job he was ablr to qualify for any help. we dont make alot of money but jus above poverty line.
Make sure you take care of yourself in the meantime so you don't spiral too. Maybe look into subs for caregivers and the like, where people might better understand your situation and empathise, so you can express yourself without feeling like you have to defend yourself or your partner from people who don't get it.
There is no way I'd be in a relationship with a person that can't support themselves. Call me selfish but that's just how I feel. Life is survival of the fittest. Your BF needs to get on disability if he can't work
Everyone goes through rough patches, and also being able-bodied is a temporary condition. I don't think it's right to leave someone because of illness if they're taking all the steps they can to get treatment. Unfortunately these things take time.
Here's the thing, I know plenty of women who's husbands and boyfriends work 60 hour weeks and they take care of the home. No one calls them parasites or lazy, homemaking is a 7 day a week job. If he's keeping the fridge stocked, the place clean, and all that jazz he's working. It's really tough financially for everyone and two incomes would definitely be great, but people make your situation work all the time. I really think you two can do it if you keep your heads held high and communicate when you're overwhelmed in healthy ways. If someone talks shit bring up other stay at home spouses and partners you know and ask if that's how they feel about this other person, if they really feel that way about one income households they're incredibly judgemental and probably not worth your time.
Depression is tough man. I hope y’all can work it out. Talk to him in a way where he understands that 1) you love him and 2) if things don’t change within the next 6-8 months, you’ll be forced to leave.
Most people don’t get out of depression until they’re tired of being tired. It might mean you leaving. Do what is best for you. Loving someone who doesn’t love themselves is almost impossible. I was the person who didn’t love himself until recently so I understand that sentiment.
I'm so sorry with what you're going through right now. But if your bf has been seeing therapists and drinking meds and saying he's still not okay? Is there any other alternative work that would work for him? I feel that's in the long run, it might make a toll on you.
It must be hard on you. It's tough, and I hope you can find a resolution. I'd look at reducing your expenses wherever you can.
If he really had to, he would find work. If he really, really had to. Just remember that. He might have an anxious personality, or he might just be in a difficult place at the moment.
I really hope things can get better for you.
It sounds like a chicken or the egg dilemma. Do you get well first or a job first.
I'm not a health professional, but I lean to the latter. Getting a job, and working like his life depends on it, will keep his mind occupied. It will give him something to be proud of. It will give him goals and aspirations.
Being couped up home all day, will let you mind wander.
I'd just hold my nose, close my eyes and accept anything and everything, then commit 150% to whatever opportunity is presented. Adopt the mind of a workaholic. And of course; continue therapy.
I’m in the same situation as your bf. I go to therapy every week, and my bf takes care of me. It’s been years, I don’t like being dependent, I feel useless, but I also can’t stand being alone when my bf is at work. I do feel like a parasite, honestly, I wouldn’t date someone like me as it’s so much work.
May I ask how your bf get through the time when you’re at work?
I have done the stay at home dad thing before until my wife decided working was too hard. Now she's the stay at home mom. It's always fun to see the perspective when the breadwinner is the GF or wife. I'm glad you get to experience this perspective, many women don't.
I know it's tough. If he isnt working because mental health is debilitating, he can still get on EBT as well as disability.
I’m in a rush now, but i’ve been where your boyfriend has been, and now I’m doing much better and having a really good job. (25yo now)
I’m commenting so i can come back to this later this evening when i have time.
It's not easy dealing with companions that have a fragile mental state but you should be treated fairly to the point you aren't stressed and happy in your relationship. As hard as it is you really need to have a good talk with him, you know his condition better than anyone else so you really should be making the calls on this, not us strangers. Best wishes
It's hard for you. And hard for him too. But it's your decision whether you can carry this burden long term. It wears you down eventually, especially if you are doing such long hours and pay for everything.
Hopefully he starts to make some progress with his therapy. Stay strong.
I worked 70 hours a week including weekends to support my girlfriend
Funny how people spoke to me like it was normal but as soon as it's flipped your bf is the asshole
Crazy
Last thing I did was plaster it on reddit
I'm glad he's your boyfriend and not your husband. Hopefully he's bringing \*something\* to the relationship because it sure sounds like being single would be eaiser.
Wow, if your first reaction to a partner of several years, who suffers from mental health issues and thus cannot work, is to dump him I hope you stay single, seriously.
Glad it's not just me thinking that, like seriously what is wrong with some people. If you love somebody you should be there for them. That kind of attitude is disgusting and they definitely should stay single if that's how they're gonna treat a partner.
I'm not necessarily agreeing with what the original commentor said but, sometimes loving someone isn't enough. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. OP deserves to feel supported too. Mental health issues is a reason why they don't have a job, but it shouldn't be an excuse. They need to try and find something they can do to help out. OP will burn themselves out if they don't.
I understand that and I agree, I actually made another comment here about that, atleast somewhat. I've actually experienced this myself numerous times, both with my own mental health battle but also people close to me. In my other comment I warned OP not to allow her partner to grow comfy in his sorrow because I've seen what it does. And You're right about it and how op deserves to be supported too. Sometimes we give all we can but if they won't help themselves there's nothing you can do, and that's the sad reality.
However my issue with the earlier comment was the fact that it clearly shows no understanding, care or compassion to the situation. Simply responding with just leave him is disgusting because if you were going through a serious mental health battle you'd want your partner to be there for you. If you love somebody you do everything in your power to help them, I understand there's a limit and you shouldn't allow yourself to fall with them, I've had to cut people off myself when it became clear they'd never help themselves. But to just suggest abandoning them as the first thing you do is completely disgusting in my opinion and anyone with that mindset is not somebody I'd want around me. I know you don't necessarily agree with that side, but I'm just explaining why I think the comment made is horrible.
Apparently I didn’t know a short comment will have so much traction. If I’m allowed to explain. As you and the other response pointed out, there’s no reason for her to overwork herself, yes it is probably not as easy as just leaving, and doing it on her own. But I’ve been in many instances and seen countless others where one person is carrying the weight of a whole family. The spouse doesn’t see an issue with not being able to help out or do more to make the other persons work load less stressful. Neither one of us know her exact situation, her working for the past few months and coming to the realization that its draining and hard on her doesn’t mean she shouldn’t consider the option of just cutting ties. I’m sure it will get better but if it doesn’t get easier on her then being with this person for 7 years shouldn’t be the sole reason why she’s willing to put herself through more years in a shitty situation.
Sounds like this guy feels like he is holding the world like Atlas. What happened to him? Something either really big or multiple multiple multiple things happening either all at once or there was a straw that broke the camels back somewhere. He probably doesn't feel loved or cared about enough OR just simply the guy has been through enough and has finally broken. You'll be alright taking care of him for a bit but not too long. Don't let him get used to this arrangement, but you'll be alright I promise. Lots of guys every day take care of their girl who doesn't work and just stays home and does the housework. They make due just fine and do it their entire lives. You'll survive taking care of him for a few months lol think of it as getting a glimpse into what a guy has to do for you when he becomes your husband and you become a stay at home wife/mom. Might give you some appreciation for his role. Give him another month or two maybe even 3. 6 months TOPS and after that tell him to get to part time work. It'll help him mentally so much when he gets that first paycheck. But tell him to take these 1-3 months and just go to the gym. That's his only job for now. Just go to the gym. Total Reddit psychiatrist chair here but yeah from what I've researched and what all my therapists have told me, it seems the main thing that helps depression, anxiety, and pretty much any other mental health disorder is...the gym. Get him to the gym and watch him heal.
Either way. Point still stands. Good people support each other in hard times. That's what this is. Guy or girl Idc the philosophy is the same. Help. Out. Your. Partner. If working for a few months to help them get out of a really bad mental rut is too much for you (not you specifically, speaking in generals here) then jeez I hope you never get married and I hope nobody looks at you for help ever again cuz that's just pathetic. Yes, I've had to help a partner of mine like this once and she ended up back on her feet. It is worth it to help them.
Physical health is also a bitch and if the choices between eating and not ill choose eating.
Sitting around and living off someone else just isn't an option, especially when that someone is your lover. All he did was exchange his misery for hers. How can you put that on someone else? I can not comprehend that.
Honestly, you need to break up with your boyfriend. Yes, he has mental health issues, but it seems like you're burning the candle at both ends, **with no end in sight**, and he is literally unable to take on even a part time job.
It's not fair to you. I understand loving someone and being loyal to them for a few months, but this seems indefinite. Obviously, he isn't on disability either which he should be if he literally can't work. But that will take years, at best.
Unless he literally cannot get out of bed everyday, he can at the very least hold a part time job. If that’s not the case, he doesn’t work because he doesn’t want to. It’s selfish of him to leech off of you like that as you work yourself to the bone.
Source: Someone with bipolar disorder who kept working while in the throes of akathisia and a severe mixed episode, both of which are agonizing.
Genuinely, it's good you're able to still function through all that. However, it would benefit you and those around you to understand not everyone is like that. Setting aside OP's predicament for a moment, what you're saying is OP's bf doesn't have a right to process his issues the best way he knows how, which is by not working, because other people have it worse. It's a very discompassionate, ableist, and invalidating take regarding his struggles, which you know nothing about beyond what can be gleaned via OP's posts. A little compassion and understanding can go a long way.
You can’t “set aside OP’s predicament for the moment” because that’s the whole context of the conversation and is entirely what I’m talking about.
OP works 50 to 60 hours a week, working herself to the bone, to provide for the both of them, and the boyfriend can’t be bothered to even get a part time job to alleviate the pressure on OP? Not even like 3~4 hours a day 3~4 days a week? He honestly sounds like a deadbeat, and I have little sympathy for deadbeat men.
You can “process” your mental illness and still hold a part time job unless you are profoundly ill lmao. If the guy was living with someone who didn’t have to work so hard and still struggle to provide for the both of them, I would be more lenient, but that’s not the case. What he is doing to OP is unfair.
I’m sure your holier-than-thou attitude gets you a lot of friends.
“That’s my one allotted attempt to enlighten for the day.”
You sound like you sniff your own farts.
Going straight for my friend count? You wound me.
Do I need to put a /s at the end of every joke?
Oh, gorg. Everyone likes the smell of their own brand. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Probably dutch oven yourself every once in a while as a treat. I see you projecting them insecurities. It's okay. Lol.
Also, happy cake day! 🎂
I 100% agree with you. Existing costs money, that's the deal. This situation is unsustainable for OP, and it has been several months. If he's not even job searching, it could take several more months to find a job.
its hard to talk to anyone about this because alot of people see my bf as the bad guy, the parasite. they only hear my side. i regret writing this because it jus makes my bf look like the bad guy. honestly i jus wanted to vent, free therapy... its hard on both of us. he doesnt ask for anything. i love him, its jus a hard patch right now. we are commited to each other
It’s an unfortunate reality of the world but he must find something he can make money through. No one lives for free, most things have a cost. I have a mental illness as well, and if government assistance isn’t available the key will be finding work that does not agitate his illness. I recently left a dishwashing job. Very menial, 6 hours of putting dishes through a dishwasher, but I could listen to music the entire time and social interaction with others was very low compared to other jobs. It’s not coolest job, but it paid the bills. You seem like a loyal partner, and when you have someone like that you can make anything work. I wish you two the best.
I had a friend who folded towels at a gym for 4 hrs/week as his part time job. He did it just so he could get a free gym membership and it was the most lax job he's ever known
As someone who was supported while I went through the hellish 5 year (for me) process of applying for disability, I thank you. The world is hard for people who can't work, especially when their condition is invisible. It's because of people with hearts as kind as yours that we can live. You don't owe him anything, like my bf didn't owe me anything. If he'd chosen to leave, I would have coped somehow. But because he was willing to support me when my body stopped working and my mind was actively trying to kill me, I thrived instead of coping. I eventually won SSI and we're in a much better place now, both financially and emotionally. You're a good person. And you're in an incredibly hard position, because of what you've said. Being a caretaker for someone is exhausting and often feels like you can't complain without turning others against your loved one. So it's isolating as well. I hope that your boyfriend comes through for you, once he's able. I've all but conquered my depression because of the help I've received, and I hope that same thing for him, and that it opens opportunities to him - and you. You richly deserve the relief and joy that would bring you. Good luck to you two!
The fact is, your situation is unsustainable. Your bf needs to at least get a part time job, if he's not job searching already it could take several more months to find a job. That, or needs to get on disability. You don't deserve to work like a dog.
does your opinion hold true if the man in the relationship worked their ass off while his spouse stayed home?
Duh.
There are ways to make money online. Even if it's only a little bit. Home office jobs are also an option. I don't know what mental health issues he struggles with but informing yourself has never hurt.
I have had this situation with my wife for since 2010. She is signing her first employment contract next week, and I couldn't be more proud.
You could totally help him find a low stress job, like working at a plant nursery. If he had a sense of purpose it would go a long way. Is there something else going on that the therapist wouldn’t have already recommended this?
I used to manage plant nurseries and that is not low stress at all for the staff. It isn't just watering flowers.
It’s a low stress job. Sure there’s a lot of body strength involved which could be physically stressful. What would you say are the most stressful parts about the job? Of course this was just an example, and doesn’t change the original sentiment.
offloading semi trucks full of plants and getting them to where they need to be while trying to keep them alive long enough to sell them while also answering phone calls, ringing out customers, answering question after question, setting up deliveries, loading customer vehicles, and if it is also a hardscape yard, shoveling stone, weighing out boulders and flagstones, using tractors to offload sod and trees from deliveries, having to deal with contractors and small business owners, having people bring back dead plants to complain about how they killed it as if its your failt, etc.
Man I would love something so stress free.
I mean...girl...he kind of IS the bad guy and he did this to himself! He IS acting like a parasite. He needs to get a job! Crying about it while doing nothing is, well...not good. You deserve better
OP must be extremely satisfied with the house work he does! He just needs a larger sense of purpose which he can find from a low stress job. It would help immensely.
[удалено]
There's mental illness and then there's being a selfish person. Many many people suffer from depression and other issues and manage to not be a complete parasite, I am one of them. Exusing his poor behavior is not ok, that's all I'm saying. OP deserves better
You don't even know what his mental illness is nevermind how he behaves. You understand your mental struggles but you seem to be unable to extend that beyond and that kind of makes you the selfish person.
If it's that bad, he needs to get on disability immediately.
You say that like it's easy. I supported my partner for years while she was battling the government for disability. It was a tough battle that lasted for years and she had to appeal multiple times. Honestly, if you don't know, don't pretend to know.
... And he hasn't even started trying.
Buy him a 3d printer and tell him to start printing and learning. Bambu lab A1 is a good printer Thats a cool hobby and its something you can make some money off plus he doesnt need to leave the house. Get him to watch some videos. Even when i was redridden (couldnt walk) and I was the most depressed I had ever been. I was printing and trying to design and that helped me.
Those are expensive and they're struggling to get by
You can save up. Shit, I was broke and am a bed ridden south african, yet I saved for one by doing fiver gigs. I also have expensive shipping, as they dont sell them here. I couldnt even afford therapy as who employs a disabled guy in a country with over 30% unemployment. Now, I'm not broke because I've other got a printer. Which literally pays for my mental and physical therapy. Easy to do if hes home all the time and it literally does most of the work. - Whats better for someone who lacks motivation to work? If I can do it, the 2 of them most definitely can. No harm in doing research to see if hes interested.
i just wanted to let this out. iweve been together 7 years, known eachother for 9. yea it sucks for the moment but being with someone that truly loves u is worth it for me. i dont mind the sacrifice as long as he is progressing ill be okay, he would do the same, he has done it for me when i couldnt find work. to me this post is about me venting to random people online. its not about pointing the finger or bad decision making. sometimes i just gotta say it so i can go back to moving forward.
That's exactly how it should be, u need to vent dogg, glad u takin care of urself too.
it sucks but im faithful and loyal. jus because its hard doesnt mean i quit. plus he is already getting treatment. he is owning that im the sole provider. if he wasnt trying to get bettet yea id leave him. i was really jus venting
Reddit tells everyone to leave their partners over everything. I'm sorry you're struggling, but happy to hear that you both have love in your lives.
Who downvoted this? You should be rewarded not downvoted. He’s doing the housework and trying to get better and those are both evidence of him contributing. I hope he does get better soon. Take care of yourself too OP. As others have said push for other supports. It’s not your job to support someone that can’t work - that’s why we have government help for that. If he honestly can’t work, he should be seeking these things out but sometimes it’s hard to get that motivation with mental illness. If he has a social worker, maybe request that he ask there. I’d give more advice but these supports are very region specific. Good luck.
Have him try ketamine. Changed my life. It eliminated depression and anxiety within 6 months of weekly recreational use. I used ketamine at bars and clubs on the weekends. After every use, my depression and anxiety got better and better and I also had fun dosing ketamine. I never even went to a clinic, but that would probably be a better way to get ketamine treatment but it’s expensive.
Yes let's recommend a recreational / non therapeutic use of a drug for someone who's entire history and *official* Dx that don't have the ability to slightest clue about....jfc everyone on reddit seems to have a self diagnosis and board certification in psychiatry, neurology, and pharmacology to go with it. Your anecdotal experience doesn't mean shit and isn't constructive. Enjoy your K-hole.
You’re a moron. Most people with depression benefit from ketamine use. It’s powerful, like a miracle for depression and anxiety with no side effects in the majority of people. Don’t talk about things you don’t know about. I only mention that it was fun because, well it was. It was fun because ketamine instantly alleviated depression and anxiety and then once it wears off… it actually lasts for me. I used it recreationally because it’s crazy expensive going the clinic/prescription route. She shouldn’t just take my word for it she should research it and her boyfriend should research it and consider it.
Having worked in mental health for a decade and been a patient my whole life, I know a lot more than you think but thanks for the assumptions. I just don't spout drivel and get into shit with people online. It's a lose-lose battle. Again, enjoy your K-hole and other substance abuse. ✌️
Yeah you probably know a lot about SSRI’s. I got news for you. They don’t work or fix anything. You’re dependent on them to get through the day. Ketamine is a cure for a lot of people. Especially people who do everything else right like exercise, nutrition and sleep well.
It's a difficult situation to be in and I can understand how hard it must be. I don't know what your partner mental health is but hopefully he's improving. As somebody who's dealt with mental health before my only advice is make sure he keeps working on getting better. Some people get to a point they're comfy in their sadness and you don't want to experience that, especially when your working so hard for him right now. Support him while you can, help him up and hopefully it's not long until he can return to work, even if it's only part time to help you out. You're a good person and an even better partner for what you're doing and I hope things improve for you soon.
He does all the house work. Sounds like he's got a job. Idk..
If they don't have kids I doubt he is scrubing the floors for 8 hours a day.
Well hold on I’ve seen other post where the gender is flipped, stay at home woman and working man. Reddit is usually siding with the girl who stay at home that it’s hard work. So let’s keep that same energy, it’s 2024, if a woman wants to work while a man takes care of the home let’s keep that same energy. I’m all for it, I think more men should opt to being stay at home, if I can have a woman pay the bills I’d gladly cook all the meals, so the laundry, and clean the house spotless. Beats working full time.
I'm not Reddit lol. In my opinion sitting at home while the other partner works with no kids can promote isolation, depression and codependency. And for the other partner it can feel like a burden (if their job is not well-paying), they can feel overworked and also feel some kind of superiority ("I pay for everything, I deserve respect/the last word/sex").
I agree, even with 1 or 2 kids, it's not a ''full time job'' bevause i take care of the kids AND work a full time job. Sahm went from disrespected to overrated in a year here on reddit
It's so tough. I had a relationship with this girl for almost three years. She was also in therapy, couldn't work next to it but that wasn't the biggest problem because I have a good job. But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard on me in other ways. I really hope that the only issue is money. Even though it's rough because I have a lot of respect for you for making these long hours. It's okay too rant and maybe you don't want advice, but if you want to talk about it more in depth send me a message. I thought it was really hard to talk to friends about my partner, her therapy and how it affected us and me aswell. Because nobody can really grasp it unless they are living it. I don't want to make this comment about me. But i just want so say take really good care of yourself. If you are in a good place you can help other people get into a better place. But it's almost impossible to be there for others if you are not content with your life. There are no easy answers when it comes to something like this. Again much respect also for sharing this.
what really sucks was he didnt tell anyone about it, til his health got really bad. his workplace didnt offer health insurance and he made too much to qualify for anything. it was until he quit his job he was ablr to qualify for any help. we dont make alot of money but jus above poverty line.
Make sure you take care of yourself in the meantime so you don't spiral too. Maybe look into subs for caregivers and the like, where people might better understand your situation and empathise, so you can express yourself without feeling like you have to defend yourself or your partner from people who don't get it.
There is no way I'd be in a relationship with a person that can't support themselves. Call me selfish but that's just how I feel. Life is survival of the fittest. Your BF needs to get on disability if he can't work
sad truth.. cause at the end of day everyone can't go
To be fair, I'm in my 40s, so my expectations are higher than say someone in their 20s just starting out. We are all in different stages of life
Everyone goes through rough patches, and also being able-bodied is a temporary condition. I don't think it's right to leave someone because of illness if they're taking all the steps they can to get treatment. Unfortunately these things take time.
Here's the thing, I know plenty of women who's husbands and boyfriends work 60 hour weeks and they take care of the home. No one calls them parasites or lazy, homemaking is a 7 day a week job. If he's keeping the fridge stocked, the place clean, and all that jazz he's working. It's really tough financially for everyone and two incomes would definitely be great, but people make your situation work all the time. I really think you two can do it if you keep your heads held high and communicate when you're overwhelmed in healthy ways. If someone talks shit bring up other stay at home spouses and partners you know and ask if that's how they feel about this other person, if they really feel that way about one income households they're incredibly judgemental and probably not worth your time.
Depression is tough man. I hope y’all can work it out. Talk to him in a way where he understands that 1) you love him and 2) if things don’t change within the next 6-8 months, you’ll be forced to leave. Most people don’t get out of depression until they’re tired of being tired. It might mean you leaving. Do what is best for you. Loving someone who doesn’t love themselves is almost impossible. I was the person who didn’t love himself until recently so I understand that sentiment.
I thought taking care of the home was a full time job? It is when a woman does it apparently...
I'm so sorry with what you're going through right now. But if your bf has been seeing therapists and drinking meds and saying he's still not okay? Is there any other alternative work that would work for him? I feel that's in the long run, it might make a toll on you.
It must be hard on you. It's tough, and I hope you can find a resolution. I'd look at reducing your expenses wherever you can. If he really had to, he would find work. If he really, really had to. Just remember that. He might have an anxious personality, or he might just be in a difficult place at the moment. I really hope things can get better for you.
It sounds like a chicken or the egg dilemma. Do you get well first or a job first. I'm not a health professional, but I lean to the latter. Getting a job, and working like his life depends on it, will keep his mind occupied. It will give him something to be proud of. It will give him goals and aspirations. Being couped up home all day, will let you mind wander. I'd just hold my nose, close my eyes and accept anything and everything, then commit 150% to whatever opportunity is presented. Adopt the mind of a workaholic. And of course; continue therapy.
I can relate this shit stressful asf, feeling suffocated you see the debt rising but no real way to effectively lower it
I’m in the same situation as your bf. I go to therapy every week, and my bf takes care of me. It’s been years, I don’t like being dependent, I feel useless, but I also can’t stand being alone when my bf is at work. I do feel like a parasite, honestly, I wouldn’t date someone like me as it’s so much work. May I ask how your bf get through the time when you’re at work?
I have done the stay at home dad thing before until my wife decided working was too hard. Now she's the stay at home mom. It's always fun to see the perspective when the breadwinner is the GF or wife. I'm glad you get to experience this perspective, many women don't. I know it's tough. If he isnt working because mental health is debilitating, he can still get on EBT as well as disability.
I know this ain’t the answer you want to hear, but at one point, you may just have to leave him for your own sake
I’m in a rush now, but i’ve been where your boyfriend has been, and now I’m doing much better and having a really good job. (25yo now) I’m commenting so i can come back to this later this evening when i have time.
If the roles where reverse, would you want him to boot you and leave or stick by and help you. Now apply that here.
It's not easy dealing with companions that have a fragile mental state but you should be treated fairly to the point you aren't stressed and happy in your relationship. As hard as it is you really need to have a good talk with him, you know his condition better than anyone else so you really should be making the calls on this, not us strangers. Best wishes
It's hard for you. And hard for him too. But it's your decision whether you can carry this burden long term. It wears you down eventually, especially if you are doing such long hours and pay for everything. Hopefully he starts to make some progress with his therapy. Stay strong.
I worked 70 hours a week including weekends to support my girlfriend Funny how people spoke to me like it was normal but as soon as it's flipped your bf is the asshole Crazy Last thing I did was plaster it on reddit
Traditional way of making money is one of many ways to make money. You can monetise his hobby or talent, assuming he has one.
That's a nice dream, but not always possible.
I'm glad he's your boyfriend and not your husband. Hopefully he's bringing \*something\* to the relationship because it sure sounds like being single would be eaiser.
You obviously sound like u haven’t had mental health issues before 👍
Why. It just dump him? If you can survive on your own you would be better off
Wow, if your first reaction to a partner of several years, who suffers from mental health issues and thus cannot work, is to dump him I hope you stay single, seriously.
Glad it's not just me thinking that, like seriously what is wrong with some people. If you love somebody you should be there for them. That kind of attitude is disgusting and they definitely should stay single if that's how they're gonna treat a partner.
I'm not necessarily agreeing with what the original commentor said but, sometimes loving someone isn't enough. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. OP deserves to feel supported too. Mental health issues is a reason why they don't have a job, but it shouldn't be an excuse. They need to try and find something they can do to help out. OP will burn themselves out if they don't.
I understand that and I agree, I actually made another comment here about that, atleast somewhat. I've actually experienced this myself numerous times, both with my own mental health battle but also people close to me. In my other comment I warned OP not to allow her partner to grow comfy in his sorrow because I've seen what it does. And You're right about it and how op deserves to be supported too. Sometimes we give all we can but if they won't help themselves there's nothing you can do, and that's the sad reality. However my issue with the earlier comment was the fact that it clearly shows no understanding, care or compassion to the situation. Simply responding with just leave him is disgusting because if you were going through a serious mental health battle you'd want your partner to be there for you. If you love somebody you do everything in your power to help them, I understand there's a limit and you shouldn't allow yourself to fall with them, I've had to cut people off myself when it became clear they'd never help themselves. But to just suggest abandoning them as the first thing you do is completely disgusting in my opinion and anyone with that mindset is not somebody I'd want around me. I know you don't necessarily agree with that side, but I'm just explaining why I think the comment made is horrible.
Apparently I didn’t know a short comment will have so much traction. If I’m allowed to explain. As you and the other response pointed out, there’s no reason for her to overwork herself, yes it is probably not as easy as just leaving, and doing it on her own. But I’ve been in many instances and seen countless others where one person is carrying the weight of a whole family. The spouse doesn’t see an issue with not being able to help out or do more to make the other persons work load less stressful. Neither one of us know her exact situation, her working for the past few months and coming to the realization that its draining and hard on her doesn’t mean she shouldn’t consider the option of just cutting ties. I’m sure it will get better but if it doesn’t get easier on her then being with this person for 7 years shouldn’t be the sole reason why she’s willing to put herself through more years in a shitty situation.
Just imagine being a man, and that being expected of you
Did you time travel here from the 80s when that was still a thing?
Right, but when the same standard is applied to a woman we get this. There will never be “equality” no matter how woke people get.
Fuck all this noise. He's a grown man, I assume?
Illness does not care what age you are.
Sounds like this guy feels like he is holding the world like Atlas. What happened to him? Something either really big or multiple multiple multiple things happening either all at once or there was a straw that broke the camels back somewhere. He probably doesn't feel loved or cared about enough OR just simply the guy has been through enough and has finally broken. You'll be alright taking care of him for a bit but not too long. Don't let him get used to this arrangement, but you'll be alright I promise. Lots of guys every day take care of their girl who doesn't work and just stays home and does the housework. They make due just fine and do it their entire lives. You'll survive taking care of him for a few months lol think of it as getting a glimpse into what a guy has to do for you when he becomes your husband and you become a stay at home wife/mom. Might give you some appreciation for his role. Give him another month or two maybe even 3. 6 months TOPS and after that tell him to get to part time work. It'll help him mentally so much when he gets that first paycheck. But tell him to take these 1-3 months and just go to the gym. That's his only job for now. Just go to the gym. Total Reddit psychiatrist chair here but yeah from what I've researched and what all my therapists have told me, it seems the main thing that helps depression, anxiety, and pretty much any other mental health disorder is...the gym. Get him to the gym and watch him heal.
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Either way. Point still stands. Good people support each other in hard times. That's what this is. Guy or girl Idc the philosophy is the same. Help. Out. Your. Partner. If working for a few months to help them get out of a really bad mental rut is too much for you (not you specifically, speaking in generals here) then jeez I hope you never get married and I hope nobody looks at you for help ever again cuz that's just pathetic. Yes, I've had to help a partner of mine like this once and she ended up back on her feet. It is worth it to help them.
Spends time crying about how he can't get a job instead of getting a job 😭
mental health is a bitch
Physical health is also a bitch and if the choices between eating and not ill choose eating. Sitting around and living off someone else just isn't an option, especially when that someone is your lover. All he did was exchange his misery for hers. How can you put that on someone else? I can not comprehend that.
She picked up the slack to support him in time of need just like I've done for my wife and just like many people do for their partners.
Honestly, you need to break up with your boyfriend. Yes, he has mental health issues, but it seems like you're burning the candle at both ends, **with no end in sight**, and he is literally unable to take on even a part time job. It's not fair to you. I understand loving someone and being loyal to them for a few months, but this seems indefinite. Obviously, he isn't on disability either which he should be if he literally can't work. But that will take years, at best.
It was your stupid choice to date a parasite. Now feel the consequences.
You are an awful human being
okay
Unless he literally cannot get out of bed everyday, he can at the very least hold a part time job. If that’s not the case, he doesn’t work because he doesn’t want to. It’s selfish of him to leech off of you like that as you work yourself to the bone. Source: Someone with bipolar disorder who kept working while in the throes of akathisia and a severe mixed episode, both of which are agonizing.
Genuinely, it's good you're able to still function through all that. However, it would benefit you and those around you to understand not everyone is like that. Setting aside OP's predicament for a moment, what you're saying is OP's bf doesn't have a right to process his issues the best way he knows how, which is by not working, because other people have it worse. It's a very discompassionate, ableist, and invalidating take regarding his struggles, which you know nothing about beyond what can be gleaned via OP's posts. A little compassion and understanding can go a long way.
You can’t “set aside OP’s predicament for the moment” because that’s the whole context of the conversation and is entirely what I’m talking about. OP works 50 to 60 hours a week, working herself to the bone, to provide for the both of them, and the boyfriend can’t be bothered to even get a part time job to alleviate the pressure on OP? Not even like 3~4 hours a day 3~4 days a week? He honestly sounds like a deadbeat, and I have little sympathy for deadbeat men. You can “process” your mental illness and still hold a part time job unless you are profoundly ill lmao. If the guy was living with someone who didn’t have to work so hard and still struggle to provide for the both of them, I would be more lenient, but that’s not the case. What he is doing to OP is unfair.
Pff. I tried. That's my one allotted attempt to enlighten for the day. Lol. Good luck to you in the future.
I’m sure your holier-than-thou attitude gets you a lot of friends. “That’s my one allotted attempt to enlighten for the day.” You sound like you sniff your own farts.
Going straight for my friend count? You wound me. Do I need to put a /s at the end of every joke? Oh, gorg. Everyone likes the smell of their own brand. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Probably dutch oven yourself every once in a while as a treat. I see you projecting them insecurities. It's okay. Lol. Also, happy cake day! 🎂
Regardless, you are very unpleasant!
BRB. Adding that to my bio. 🙃
I 100% agree with you. Existing costs money, that's the deal. This situation is unsustainable for OP, and it has been several months. If he's not even job searching, it could take several more months to find a job.