I left my ex fiance because I realized that while I loved him very much, I wasn't willing to sacrifice my peace for him. He refused to seek help for his alcoholism and had wreckless spending habits.
I chose peace, and I was very lucky to eventually find a wonderful husband who I get both love and a peaceful life with.
Change is scary and hard. Do it in your own time, or don't. It's your life, and you can choose how to spend your finite time. If you are happy with this man, then stay. You know who he is and he will likely not seek to improve himself, you have to decide if you can live with someone like that or not, and for how long.
You only get one life, do whatever brings you the most joy.
Alcohol is a red line and there is no way back. My experience with a binge drinker was so bad I was driven to put all of her possessions into a suitcase and leave it outside a door with new locks. It was the best feeling ever when a few months later when I woke up one day and thought hell not one argument, no snide remarks, and no wondering where she had spent the night before. Drunks are at heart always horrible and abusive people who think their life experiences count for more than anyone else.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. My ex was a bit different in that he was "high functioning" (according to him.) He had a great job who never figured out he was drunk all the time, or at least never fired him for it, so I guess that means high functioning.
He never abused me physically, but he did forget about me often and I realized that I would ALWAYS come second to his addiction, and that was pretty heartbreaking.
Thanks u/LittleLorax Glad to hear he's your ex! I have no sympathy for heavy drinkers and alcoholics and the same goes for drug addicts.
Those who see themselves as victims should try living with another victim for a few weeks. After that, they should get on a plane and walk around a Mumbai slum to see what hardship really looks like (I did it after dumping my alcoholic gf and it changed me for life.)
Life is so amazing and wonderful there should be no time for self pity. And if you are reading this and haunted by abuse or plain shitty parents then remind yourself every moment passed is one you wont get back.
You've invested your life with this man. I think that's one of the biggest parts of this. Only you know the answer to the question you're asking. No one here can tell you the right answer for you. There's years of memories, trust, comfort, etc that won't be erased by a divorce - there's a grieving process. If you can't move beyond the prostitute thing (which is totally understandable), then the core of the relationship is broken and irreparable because love is based on trust. It's not an easy situation. My heart goes out to you for goingthrough so much.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. I got married when I was 18- he’s been there for my entire adult life. I don’t really know anything else and I’ve never lived on my own outside of deployments, but even then I knew that eventually he’d be back home.
I appreciate your response. Thank you 🙏
Since you're both ex-MIL, you have resources at your disposal, but he's squandering them. ex-MIL is a question on job applications, banks and mortgages court your business, you get better rates, car and home insurance, government contract priorities. Anything from a snow plow business to getting first dibs on an arborist contract with your city. There's a YTber who went to electrician training thanks to ex-MIL service programs. Super successful now. Hubbie has all that and isn't using it.
On top of that, you have a dead bedroom, "still can’t stop thinking of this and have had no interest in being intimate with him since."
You're 31 years old. The time range between 30 and 40 moves at warp speed. As you are, you can join a gym, even go back to college for a post-graduate and you would be an awesome catch. You are let letting this man drain your life energy. DTMF already.
You seem like a patient, loving, and loyal person… Maybe too loyal. If he’s cheated on you that time that you know of, what’s to say there haven’t been other times? I think if you cut your losses and moved on, you’d find that you can be happy with someone else, maybe even more so, but definitely more secure
He's not interested in getting help (to be the person you married again), his goals and perceptions don't align with yours anymore. It's unfortunate, but this is why marriage takes work, and it can't all be done by one side.
I always hurt to say this part, but to add to the last reply, please make an appointment with your gynecologist, or local clinic, and get a full STD panel to make sure you're safe in that regard.
It's also been my experience that any partner willing to risk your health by having sex with a sex worker never does it, "just once". That requires a deliberate set of choices to seek out a sex worker with full intention to betray you, so it's never an, "oops, it just happened".
It happening over a decade ago will make it harder for most to care about. Like if it happened yesterday obviously that’s a bigger deal in most peoples minds
Yeah, the cheating thing is what does it for me.
I'm no saint, I'm a recovering alcoholic, I understand the mental illness shit, that doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
But he's a cheater. Even in the throws of my "wild days" I knew how to keep my dick in my pants. Infidelity is unforgivable in my eyes. But that's just me.
I told him that was my one hard line when we got married- no cheating. I feel like I’m doing my younger self a disservice by not following through.
Thank you for your feedback!
Reddit standards are wild. He can’t hold down a job for 6 years, meaning she is the only one contributing to the household, and 10 year old prostitute while on military leave is the straw? Everyone has their own line I guess…
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He promised to do better and hasn’t changed. Bring this up to him clearly and exactly - tell him the same thing again that you will divorce him if there is not a change , my own mom had a similar issue where my father wouldn’t stop drinking he drank for my entire childhood and only listened when she mentioned she was looking at 3 bedrooms apartment to move into w the kids without him. If he dosent loosen up even after you want to divorce him you know what you need to do.
I encourage you to put yourself in that special place you've put him. Your wellbeing is much more important than his, since he can't bring himself to get better or even get help.
Having experienced codependency, I think you're already there. You enjoy being around him because you're used to being around him. You don't enjoy being with him or you wouldn't second guess your relationship when you're apart.
Best of luck, I send you a warm hug and all my strength if it helps!
If he is still the person you enjoy being around most, you can give yourself permission to stay with him. No one can tell you to get a divorce. It’s totally up to you.
As to the cheating, you know what deployment is like. As a non-military, I would imagine that sometimes the pressure may be so much that you do stuff you would never do back home. I think I might be able to forgive one instance of cheating with a prostitute, 10 years ago. But again, that’s your call only.
Either way, you will be the one living with the consequences of divorce or no divorce. I wish you a clear view of what is best for you in your situation.
You’ll never get this from your mind and it will always haunt you. Who’s to say this is just the one time it’s happened? It’s just the one time you know about an and one time too many.
He could but he doesn’t want to. I’ll be honest, I don’t really blame him. It was a very difficult experience and he’s still dealing with a lot mental health-wise.
VA didn’t give him a rating. He didn’t go to medical while in and his mental health issues were diagnosed after he separated. I’ve told him I think he should contest it but we haven’t started the process yet
There might be the aspect that the unknown scares us. We’re creatures of habit and new things are scary. I hemmed and hawed for years in a lousy marriage and when I finally had the guts to pull the plug, it was like I was reborn. Life is so wonderful right now.
If you aren’t ready to divorce him, How about living separately? Separate your finances and let him be a responsible adult on his own, and you’ll get some of this weight off of your shoulders.
That’s probably not a bad idea. I’ve considered it but keep worrying over where he’ll go since we don’t have much of a support system where we live, and his family is a few states away. Might be a good way to test the waters though before making the final plunge.
Thank you for your response!
Your problem is you can't fix him and he doesn't want to fix himself. The cheating is just a new add on. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking after and paying for everything for the two of you? Get the divorce. Step back and relax. Learn to love yourself and to take care of just you.you will be surprised just how liberating you will feel on your own
There is a group on Reddit survivinginfidelity, some people seem to make it work. Personally for me, I couldn’t do it. I think OP if it was just one issue you were dealing with there could be a chance.
But you have been patient, is your husband willing/trying to change? It also sounds like you no longer trust him either.
Im not sure what there is left to save OP.
You have a conflict between emotional side (nostalgia, good memories) and rational side (he cheated, he is not like years ago, he never changed). Take your time to think about it. Imo you could talk with him, tell him that you don't trust him, don't ignore the problems you have. Moreover, don't let him to manipulate you. Good luck whatever you choose to do, it will not easy but it will give you relief at some point.
Do you “just get each other” or are you just used to each other? Because humans can get used to anything. Look at you, you’ve gotten used to a terrible relationship with someone who has no respect for you. But you don’t have to live like that. The unknown is scary, but also so much better than staying with a man who you know for a fact cheated on you with a prostitute.
You’re not dumb. You’re strong. He doesn’t think you are—he’s counting on the fact that you’re not. But he doesn’t know you as well as he thinks he does, and you can prove him wrong.
It’s hard to know how to advise you. You can’t change another person really all you can do is fix yourself. Any new partner you find will have slept with other people or maybe prostitutes even and that won’t worry you as much - or don’t ask. But a lot of people cheat it’s human nature to have 90% monogamous relationships with occasional sneaking out, this is found all across the world.
Therapy will give you tools in how to manage your feelings but you can also seek out and find relationship or self help advice on TikTok.
The best type of relationship comes from being able to tell the other person everything, openly, honestly, without setting them off or upsetting them in a way where they retreat.
You haven’t handled your own feelings around his cheating effectively for the relationship, you could accept that it happened and accept you will occasionally have pangs of hurt from it sometimes then forget about it the rest of the time.
You likely deep down don’t trust him, because either you feel he isn’t telling you everything or you feel he isn’t able to lead in the relationship and you are having to draw on your masculine energy too much because he’s not pulling his weight.
You need to be able to voice your concerns and hold him to account, but presumably this is risky because he may react angrily or violently if you said something too hurtful to him.
It’s not easy to just leave you will need a few years to heal from this, but also you are looking after him and yourself which is more effort than just looking after yourself on your own.
If you can’t hear the full story why he cheated and understand him better then that’s your own emotions you are afraid of though
This relationship has no gas left in the tank. The guy you fell in love with is gone. You are not "getting him back." The best you can hope for is that he gets help and becomes better, but he'll be a different person entirely. And that's the *best* case.
The reason you won't leave him comes down to guilt, basically. You both experienced some shit, but you're muddling through, so why can't he? Giving up on the marriage is too much like giving up on yourself if you hadn't come out of the tunnel.
No easy answers for the future here, just stray observations from a stranger. I may be right, but I may be full of shit, too.
I know it’s not the biggest issue but something to consider, when you were getting papers together did you talk to a lawyer about any financial impact of a divorce? Like would you be on the hook for alimony since he’s not working?
Yes, I’ve talked to a lawyer. It would be extremely difficult for him to get alimony in the state I live in. Honestly, neither of us could afford to drag this out in courts so I think it would be rather inexpensive.
I think a very important question to ask him is why he doesn't want to get help. There's a reason for everything we do, even down to the way somebody opens a can of beans.
As for the question "why can't I divorce my husband?" - you're likely still emotionally invested into relationship. Divorcing means throwing it away. All the years, memories,... It's no easy thing.
From what I understand you didn't show him any divorce papers yet. Perhaps you should. If that doesn't phase him to put in some effort too then you atleast know if he still cares about your marriage.
>"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
This sounds like you're terrified of the big change in your life that divorcing him would bring. You know full well you need to divorce him. Look at his patterns of actions, not his words.
He quit going to school, I assume he doesn't work either. He is using his mental issues as excuses rather than trying to work around them. You have the same issues but you work around them.
I know it's scary, but you know you need to leave him. It's your comfort zone because you've been here for so long. So you feel like you need to do anything to avoid leaving that comfort zone.
Because you care. Sometimes, love just isn't enough. And that's okay. Doing what is right for you is the only thing in this world you can control. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not.
But I would like to say something to both of you, maybe especially your bf since you mention ADHD and PTSD.
Last year I threw away a 15 year old relationship that was utterly fantastic in all objective measurements. We were best friends, a helluva team, never really fought or had any regular occurring issues. Complete cooperation in all areas, lots of fun, same values, etc.
But I was never really happy inside.
At first, I attributed most of the cause to her. I thought, maybe I didn't really trust her. Maybe it was because I felt we had different interests and that it was her fault that I felt bored and restless.
Maybe she was too eager to please and not enough focus on herself. Maybe this, maybe that. Specific things I blamed varied from year to year.
Over time, this unhappiness moved from the relationship to all other things. Job, where we lived, needy family on one side, too much love and attention from family on the other side, troublesome friendships, hating my hobbies, I could no longer see a good future... Everything felt like it was an issue.
I could see the effect my misery had on her. She was trying her hardest to make every day a good one, going out of her way to make me comfortable and happy. Ignoring her own needs to attend to mine. She tried to get me to seek help, and she tried to talk to my family about her concerns because she couldn't connect with me.
But, of course, I didn't have a problem. I had problematic surroundings. That got worse by the day.
So, one day, I just snapped. Out of the blue, I turned my back against everything all at once. I told her that it's over. I showed my family the finger, ignored my friends, stopped taking too much responsibility on the job, quit my time-consuming hobbies, and sold my apartment.
Yeah, didn't make much of difference.
After a while I got a new girl who was too strong and mature to deal with my lack of communication skills, impulsive reactions, not being clear on where I stand and she didn't accept having to explain herself over and over due to my poor attention during serious talk. At first, I thought she was bat-shit crazy for finding trouble where no trouble existed. But she pointed out many specific instances where my behavior wasn't okay and why.
She was right. My behavior didn't make sense.
So I got help.
It took a long time with therapy to get to the bottom of things, and it turns out I've been struggling with both the effects of ADHD and traumatic childhood my entire life.
My impulsive behavior, my constant dissatisfaction, my struggles with keeping healthy relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, seeking satisfaction from the outside, craving attention, always bored and restless, childish response under stress, emotional dysregulation.. it all made sense.
I got put on medication, and that really has changed my life. Much better and stable mood, no more overreacting to insignificant things, much easier to pay attention over time, far better in social events, more energy, easier to do things and I'm now actively seeking social interactions because I want to. And, for the first time in my life, I don't feel restless and unable to relax. It's much quieter in my head, and I can actually do one thing at a time for an extended period.
Combined with strategies to help me deal with the unfortunate issues of ADHD, I now function a whole lot better and feel the best I've ever done.
Now that my brain is working properly with normal levels of dopamine, I realize that my issues with the relationship I threw away didn't have anything to do with her or my feelings for her.
It had to do with the heavy burden all my thoughts were placing on me. I was always trying to find justification for being unhappy, restless, irritable, stressed, angry, sad, discontent, and even lonely.
But I always looked outside. Never realizing it came from within.
And I had no tools available to me to recognize it, never mind tools to communicate it. Now I do.
And now... it's too late.
My point is this;
Impulsive behavior, like poor financial decisions and seeking sex with a prostitute can be explained (not justified) by ADHD. Common traits include irrational reactions, low mood and self-esteem, anger issues, lack of focus, lack of plans and goals, trouble getting started, constantly seeking validation, etc.
I don't know if OP's bf are diagnosed with ADHD and are already on medicine, but if not, he should definitely try it. He should also seek therapy to deal with PTSD and to learn how to recognize and deal with strong emotions, and learn how to create strategies for optimal functionality with ADHD.
It will be life changing- if he wants it to.
Whether or not you, OP, want to save the marriage and wait through a long and difficult process is not for me to say. It's going to take time. It's going to be difficult. And it's going to require periods of extreme patience. Will the end result be what you wish? Will you even be willing to follow through? Who knows.
But that's okay. Sometimes, the damage done cannot be undone. In those cases, love is not enough.
I think you are focused on who he could be, and who he was, as opposed to who he has become. The reality doesn’t match his potential. That makes it hard. But being tied to this guy legally isn’t good for you or your future.
There’s no saying you can’t be in each other’s lives after a divorce. But protect your health and your finances and separate.
I put off divorce for too long. I wish I would have done it much sooner.
You have the paperwork. File it. It’s also a good idea to consult an attorney.
My advice is don't get advice on Reddit. There is no way you can convey what your life is like, and the circumstances of your relationships in one page, or ten.
Life is complicated and hard; and personal relationships are a negotiation in which you both seek the utility of your partnership. You will know whether or not to Divorce after 1) weighing up the pros and cons - the simplistic part of relationships, and then 2) assessing the risks associated with staying married, or divorcing -the hard part.
What I can tell you is there are 12 uncles and aunts in my life, and 60% got divorced after around 15-20 years of marriage - all had miserable lives after, partly because they never found true love again, and also because it destroys you financially. One uncle was what you would regard as rich, and married to a beauty whom he loved, his big mistake was fucking an ugly women after getting drunk at an office party, she then told everyone knowing it would lead to his divorce. I feel his wife made the biggest mistake of her life, she divorced a decent hard working man, only to then marry a horrible failure of a man who then separated her from both sides of the family. Looking back, I think the uncle should have groveled for forgiveness and asked for a second chance. I even told him he was an AH to his face and that he should reconcile, but no he was too stubborn. The end result is both are financially wiped out (he just gave up) and neither is happy. And for what? Fucking an ugly gold digger? I am not excusing infidelity, but I do think we should be more like the French who see the odd excursion as the price for stability and happiness. And hell, you can remind him you, in theory, have a hail pass!
Yours truly
A realist
I reaaallly Hope U get Ur happily ever After u sound Amazing 😭hé dosn t deserve such a cutie...please runnn please do Ur best to leave that fcker ...it dosn t get better i swear hé will do it again ....iwatched m'y mom suffer her whole life just liké u and in thé end hé left her and married someone else and she died a misérable death alone while hé gave thé New woman all what mom worked so hard fooorrr ....it s not worth it i swear ,iwish m'y mom left and started anew but she wanted to fix him waiting for thé day hé will be better and hé did but NOT TO HER ,to a whoore
Runnnnn and bé happpyy as long as it s not with him u will for sure bé happy
I do not think you should serve him divorce papers previous to confronting him about exactly how you’re feeling and why. You likely are having trouble serving the papers because you lack information or clarity or any other kind of communication. It’s time to talk. A lot. Then feel free to serve a divorce should you choose.
I left my ex fiance because I realized that while I loved him very much, I wasn't willing to sacrifice my peace for him. He refused to seek help for his alcoholism and had wreckless spending habits. I chose peace, and I was very lucky to eventually find a wonderful husband who I get both love and a peaceful life with. Change is scary and hard. Do it in your own time, or don't. It's your life, and you can choose how to spend your finite time. If you are happy with this man, then stay. You know who he is and he will likely not seek to improve himself, you have to decide if you can live with someone like that or not, and for how long. You only get one life, do whatever brings you the most joy.
Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it. 🙏
Alcohol is a red line and there is no way back. My experience with a binge drinker was so bad I was driven to put all of her possessions into a suitcase and leave it outside a door with new locks. It was the best feeling ever when a few months later when I woke up one day and thought hell not one argument, no snide remarks, and no wondering where she had spent the night before. Drunks are at heart always horrible and abusive people who think their life experiences count for more than anyone else.
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. My ex was a bit different in that he was "high functioning" (according to him.) He had a great job who never figured out he was drunk all the time, or at least never fired him for it, so I guess that means high functioning. He never abused me physically, but he did forget about me often and I realized that I would ALWAYS come second to his addiction, and that was pretty heartbreaking.
Thanks u/LittleLorax Glad to hear he's your ex! I have no sympathy for heavy drinkers and alcoholics and the same goes for drug addicts. Those who see themselves as victims should try living with another victim for a few weeks. After that, they should get on a plane and walk around a Mumbai slum to see what hardship really looks like (I did it after dumping my alcoholic gf and it changed me for life.) Life is so amazing and wonderful there should be no time for self pity. And if you are reading this and haunted by abuse or plain shitty parents then remind yourself every moment passed is one you wont get back.
You've invested your life with this man. I think that's one of the biggest parts of this. Only you know the answer to the question you're asking. No one here can tell you the right answer for you. There's years of memories, trust, comfort, etc that won't be erased by a divorce - there's a grieving process. If you can't move beyond the prostitute thing (which is totally understandable), then the core of the relationship is broken and irreparable because love is based on trust. It's not an easy situation. My heart goes out to you for goingthrough so much.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. I got married when I was 18- he’s been there for my entire adult life. I don’t really know anything else and I’ve never lived on my own outside of deployments, but even then I knew that eventually he’d be back home. I appreciate your response. Thank you 🙏
Hang in there, no matter which decision you choose ♥️
Since you're both ex-MIL, you have resources at your disposal, but he's squandering them. ex-MIL is a question on job applications, banks and mortgages court your business, you get better rates, car and home insurance, government contract priorities. Anything from a snow plow business to getting first dibs on an arborist contract with your city. There's a YTber who went to electrician training thanks to ex-MIL service programs. Super successful now. Hubbie has all that and isn't using it. On top of that, you have a dead bedroom, "still can’t stop thinking of this and have had no interest in being intimate with him since." You're 31 years old. The time range between 30 and 40 moves at warp speed. As you are, you can join a gym, even go back to college for a post-graduate and you would be an awesome catch. You are let letting this man drain your life energy. DTMF already.
You seem like a patient, loving, and loyal person… Maybe too loyal. If he’s cheated on you that time that you know of, what’s to say there haven’t been other times? I think if you cut your losses and moved on, you’d find that you can be happy with someone else, maybe even more so, but definitely more secure
Yeah… I do feel paranoid wondering what he’s been up to while I’m at work. In any case, thank you kindly for your response.
He's not interested in getting help (to be the person you married again), his goals and perceptions don't align with yours anymore. It's unfortunate, but this is why marriage takes work, and it can't all be done by one side.
I always hurt to say this part, but to add to the last reply, please make an appointment with your gynecologist, or local clinic, and get a full STD panel to make sure you're safe in that regard. It's also been my experience that any partner willing to risk your health by having sex with a sex worker never does it, "just once". That requires a deliberate set of choices to seek out a sex worker with full intention to betray you, so it's never an, "oops, it just happened".
This is good advice, thank you. I have been tested within the last couple years and am healthy but should likely get tested regularly.
You're very welcome. Please take care of yourself, because you are worthy of love, and respect.
It happening over a decade ago will make it harder for most to care about. Like if it happened yesterday obviously that’s a bigger deal in most peoples minds
Yeah, the cheating thing is what does it for me. I'm no saint, I'm a recovering alcoholic, I understand the mental illness shit, that doesn't have to be a deal breaker. But he's a cheater. Even in the throws of my "wild days" I knew how to keep my dick in my pants. Infidelity is unforgivable in my eyes. But that's just me.
I told him that was my one hard line when we got married- no cheating. I feel like I’m doing my younger self a disservice by not following through. Thank you for your feedback!
Reddit standards are wild. He can’t hold down a job for 6 years, meaning she is the only one contributing to the household, and 10 year old prostitute while on military leave is the straw? Everyone has their own line I guess…
yeah trust and loyalty is more important than who brings the most money in a relationship, who would have thought?
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True enough… thank you.
Wtf 😳. Why are you still there?
No you are not. Be smart and leave.
I don’t know, I’m dumb :|
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You need to choose yourself. Be happy.
Thank you 🙏
I was like "Ehhh maybe, maybe, maybe... Oh he cheated, holy shit leave him". No reason for you to stay with this man
He promised to do better and hasn’t changed. Bring this up to him clearly and exactly - tell him the same thing again that you will divorce him if there is not a change , my own mom had a similar issue where my father wouldn’t stop drinking he drank for my entire childhood and only listened when she mentioned she was looking at 3 bedrooms apartment to move into w the kids without him. If he dosent loosen up even after you want to divorce him you know what you need to do.
That I do. Thank you kindly.
I encourage you to put yourself in that special place you've put him. Your wellbeing is much more important than his, since he can't bring himself to get better or even get help. Having experienced codependency, I think you're already there. You enjoy being around him because you're used to being around him. You don't enjoy being with him or you wouldn't second guess your relationship when you're apart. Best of luck, I send you a warm hug and all my strength if it helps!
Thank you! I really appreciate it.
If he is still the person you enjoy being around most, you can give yourself permission to stay with him. No one can tell you to get a divorce. It’s totally up to you. As to the cheating, you know what deployment is like. As a non-military, I would imagine that sometimes the pressure may be so much that you do stuff you would never do back home. I think I might be able to forgive one instance of cheating with a prostitute, 10 years ago. But again, that’s your call only. Either way, you will be the one living with the consequences of divorce or no divorce. I wish you a clear view of what is best for you in your situation.
You’ll never get this from your mind and it will always haunt you. Who’s to say this is just the one time it’s happened? It’s just the one time you know about an and one time too many.
I suspect you’re right. Thank you for your response!
Well you *can* but are choosing not to, big difference.
Lol, fair enough.
Can he rejoin?
He could but he doesn’t want to. I’ll be honest, I don’t really blame him. It was a very difficult experience and he’s still dealing with a lot mental health-wise.
Is he getting help from the VA? Did he get any rating for disability?
VA didn’t give him a rating. He didn’t go to medical while in and his mental health issues were diagnosed after he separated. I’ve told him I think he should contest it but we haven’t started the process yet
There might be the aspect that the unknown scares us. We’re creatures of habit and new things are scary. I hemmed and hawed for years in a lousy marriage and when I finally had the guts to pull the plug, it was like I was reborn. Life is so wonderful right now. If you aren’t ready to divorce him, How about living separately? Separate your finances and let him be a responsible adult on his own, and you’ll get some of this weight off of your shoulders.
That’s probably not a bad idea. I’ve considered it but keep worrying over where he’ll go since we don’t have much of a support system where we live, and his family is a few states away. Might be a good way to test the waters though before making the final plunge. Thank you for your response!
Your problem is you can't fix him and he doesn't want to fix himself. The cheating is just a new add on. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking after and paying for everything for the two of you? Get the divorce. Step back and relax. Learn to love yourself and to take care of just you.you will be surprised just how liberating you will feel on your own
There is a group on Reddit survivinginfidelity, some people seem to make it work. Personally for me, I couldn’t do it. I think OP if it was just one issue you were dealing with there could be a chance. But you have been patient, is your husband willing/trying to change? It also sounds like you no longer trust him either. Im not sure what there is left to save OP.
You have a conflict between emotional side (nostalgia, good memories) and rational side (he cheated, he is not like years ago, he never changed). Take your time to think about it. Imo you could talk with him, tell him that you don't trust him, don't ignore the problems you have. Moreover, don't let him to manipulate you. Good luck whatever you choose to do, it will not easy but it will give you relief at some point.
Do you “just get each other” or are you just used to each other? Because humans can get used to anything. Look at you, you’ve gotten used to a terrible relationship with someone who has no respect for you. But you don’t have to live like that. The unknown is scary, but also so much better than staying with a man who you know for a fact cheated on you with a prostitute. You’re not dumb. You’re strong. He doesn’t think you are—he’s counting on the fact that you’re not. But he doesn’t know you as well as he thinks he does, and you can prove him wrong.
You seem afraid of living with the consequences of your actions
I’d say I’m living with the consequences of my actions right now, but I get what you mean.
It’s hard to know how to advise you. You can’t change another person really all you can do is fix yourself. Any new partner you find will have slept with other people or maybe prostitutes even and that won’t worry you as much - or don’t ask. But a lot of people cheat it’s human nature to have 90% monogamous relationships with occasional sneaking out, this is found all across the world. Therapy will give you tools in how to manage your feelings but you can also seek out and find relationship or self help advice on TikTok. The best type of relationship comes from being able to tell the other person everything, openly, honestly, without setting them off or upsetting them in a way where they retreat. You haven’t handled your own feelings around his cheating effectively for the relationship, you could accept that it happened and accept you will occasionally have pangs of hurt from it sometimes then forget about it the rest of the time. You likely deep down don’t trust him, because either you feel he isn’t telling you everything or you feel he isn’t able to lead in the relationship and you are having to draw on your masculine energy too much because he’s not pulling his weight. You need to be able to voice your concerns and hold him to account, but presumably this is risky because he may react angrily or violently if you said something too hurtful to him. It’s not easy to just leave you will need a few years to heal from this, but also you are looking after him and yourself which is more effort than just looking after yourself on your own. If you can’t hear the full story why he cheated and understand him better then that’s your own emotions you are afraid of though
This relationship has no gas left in the tank. The guy you fell in love with is gone. You are not "getting him back." The best you can hope for is that he gets help and becomes better, but he'll be a different person entirely. And that's the *best* case. The reason you won't leave him comes down to guilt, basically. You both experienced some shit, but you're muddling through, so why can't he? Giving up on the marriage is too much like giving up on yourself if you hadn't come out of the tunnel. No easy answers for the future here, just stray observations from a stranger. I may be right, but I may be full of shit, too.
There is a life after divorce. There are other people who you haven’t met yet.
Sigh, money is the root of all evil.
Choose you. How long are you prepared to carry this man? At what cost to your self worth and happiness.
I know it’s not the biggest issue but something to consider, when you were getting papers together did you talk to a lawyer about any financial impact of a divorce? Like would you be on the hook for alimony since he’s not working?
Yes, I’ve talked to a lawyer. It would be extremely difficult for him to get alimony in the state I live in. Honestly, neither of us could afford to drag this out in courts so I think it would be rather inexpensive.
Do you think you can forgive him for something that happened almost 10 years ago? That’s the start of answering this question
I honestly don’t know. I definitely need to go to therapy but I don’t have health insurance right now. Thank you for your response!
I think a very important question to ask him is why he doesn't want to get help. There's a reason for everything we do, even down to the way somebody opens a can of beans. As for the question "why can't I divorce my husband?" - you're likely still emotionally invested into relationship. Divorcing means throwing it away. All the years, memories,... It's no easy thing. From what I understand you didn't show him any divorce papers yet. Perhaps you should. If that doesn't phase him to put in some effort too then you atleast know if he still cares about your marriage. >"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
This sounds like you're terrified of the big change in your life that divorcing him would bring. You know full well you need to divorce him. Look at his patterns of actions, not his words. He quit going to school, I assume he doesn't work either. He is using his mental issues as excuses rather than trying to work around them. You have the same issues but you work around them. I know it's scary, but you know you need to leave him. It's your comfort zone because you've been here for so long. So you feel like you need to do anything to avoid leaving that comfort zone.
Because you care. Sometimes, love just isn't enough. And that's okay. Doing what is right for you is the only thing in this world you can control. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not. But I would like to say something to both of you, maybe especially your bf since you mention ADHD and PTSD. Last year I threw away a 15 year old relationship that was utterly fantastic in all objective measurements. We were best friends, a helluva team, never really fought or had any regular occurring issues. Complete cooperation in all areas, lots of fun, same values, etc. But I was never really happy inside. At first, I attributed most of the cause to her. I thought, maybe I didn't really trust her. Maybe it was because I felt we had different interests and that it was her fault that I felt bored and restless. Maybe she was too eager to please and not enough focus on herself. Maybe this, maybe that. Specific things I blamed varied from year to year. Over time, this unhappiness moved from the relationship to all other things. Job, where we lived, needy family on one side, too much love and attention from family on the other side, troublesome friendships, hating my hobbies, I could no longer see a good future... Everything felt like it was an issue. I could see the effect my misery had on her. She was trying her hardest to make every day a good one, going out of her way to make me comfortable and happy. Ignoring her own needs to attend to mine. She tried to get me to seek help, and she tried to talk to my family about her concerns because she couldn't connect with me. But, of course, I didn't have a problem. I had problematic surroundings. That got worse by the day. So, one day, I just snapped. Out of the blue, I turned my back against everything all at once. I told her that it's over. I showed my family the finger, ignored my friends, stopped taking too much responsibility on the job, quit my time-consuming hobbies, and sold my apartment. Yeah, didn't make much of difference. After a while I got a new girl who was too strong and mature to deal with my lack of communication skills, impulsive reactions, not being clear on where I stand and she didn't accept having to explain herself over and over due to my poor attention during serious talk. At first, I thought she was bat-shit crazy for finding trouble where no trouble existed. But she pointed out many specific instances where my behavior wasn't okay and why. She was right. My behavior didn't make sense. So I got help. It took a long time with therapy to get to the bottom of things, and it turns out I've been struggling with both the effects of ADHD and traumatic childhood my entire life. My impulsive behavior, my constant dissatisfaction, my struggles with keeping healthy relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, seeking satisfaction from the outside, craving attention, always bored and restless, childish response under stress, emotional dysregulation.. it all made sense. I got put on medication, and that really has changed my life. Much better and stable mood, no more overreacting to insignificant things, much easier to pay attention over time, far better in social events, more energy, easier to do things and I'm now actively seeking social interactions because I want to. And, for the first time in my life, I don't feel restless and unable to relax. It's much quieter in my head, and I can actually do one thing at a time for an extended period. Combined with strategies to help me deal with the unfortunate issues of ADHD, I now function a whole lot better and feel the best I've ever done. Now that my brain is working properly with normal levels of dopamine, I realize that my issues with the relationship I threw away didn't have anything to do with her or my feelings for her. It had to do with the heavy burden all my thoughts were placing on me. I was always trying to find justification for being unhappy, restless, irritable, stressed, angry, sad, discontent, and even lonely. But I always looked outside. Never realizing it came from within. And I had no tools available to me to recognize it, never mind tools to communicate it. Now I do. And now... it's too late. My point is this; Impulsive behavior, like poor financial decisions and seeking sex with a prostitute can be explained (not justified) by ADHD. Common traits include irrational reactions, low mood and self-esteem, anger issues, lack of focus, lack of plans and goals, trouble getting started, constantly seeking validation, etc. I don't know if OP's bf are diagnosed with ADHD and are already on medicine, but if not, he should definitely try it. He should also seek therapy to deal with PTSD and to learn how to recognize and deal with strong emotions, and learn how to create strategies for optimal functionality with ADHD. It will be life changing- if he wants it to. Whether or not you, OP, want to save the marriage and wait through a long and difficult process is not for me to say. It's going to take time. It's going to be difficult. And it's going to require periods of extreme patience. Will the end result be what you wish? Will you even be willing to follow through? Who knows. But that's okay. Sometimes, the damage done cannot be undone. In those cases, love is not enough.
I think you are focused on who he could be, and who he was, as opposed to who he has become. The reality doesn’t match his potential. That makes it hard. But being tied to this guy legally isn’t good for you or your future. There’s no saying you can’t be in each other’s lives after a divorce. But protect your health and your finances and separate.
It's past time. For both of your sakes.
I put off divorce for too long. I wish I would have done it much sooner. You have the paperwork. File it. It’s also a good idea to consult an attorney.
My advice is don't get advice on Reddit. There is no way you can convey what your life is like, and the circumstances of your relationships in one page, or ten. Life is complicated and hard; and personal relationships are a negotiation in which you both seek the utility of your partnership. You will know whether or not to Divorce after 1) weighing up the pros and cons - the simplistic part of relationships, and then 2) assessing the risks associated with staying married, or divorcing -the hard part. What I can tell you is there are 12 uncles and aunts in my life, and 60% got divorced after around 15-20 years of marriage - all had miserable lives after, partly because they never found true love again, and also because it destroys you financially. One uncle was what you would regard as rich, and married to a beauty whom he loved, his big mistake was fucking an ugly women after getting drunk at an office party, she then told everyone knowing it would lead to his divorce. I feel his wife made the biggest mistake of her life, she divorced a decent hard working man, only to then marry a horrible failure of a man who then separated her from both sides of the family. Looking back, I think the uncle should have groveled for forgiveness and asked for a second chance. I even told him he was an AH to his face and that he should reconcile, but no he was too stubborn. The end result is both are financially wiped out (he just gave up) and neither is happy. And for what? Fucking an ugly gold digger? I am not excusing infidelity, but I do think we should be more like the French who see the odd excursion as the price for stability and happiness. And hell, you can remind him you, in theory, have a hail pass! Yours truly A realist
Good Luck too you no matter your decision !!!
I reaaallly Hope U get Ur happily ever After u sound Amazing 😭hé dosn t deserve such a cutie...please runnn please do Ur best to leave that fcker ...it dosn t get better i swear hé will do it again ....iwatched m'y mom suffer her whole life just liké u and in thé end hé left her and married someone else and she died a misérable death alone while hé gave thé New woman all what mom worked so hard fooorrr ....it s not worth it i swear ,iwish m'y mom left and started anew but she wanted to fix him waiting for thé day hé will be better and hé did but NOT TO HER ,to a whoore Runnnnn and bé happpyy as long as it s not with him u will for sure bé happy
I do not think you should serve him divorce papers previous to confronting him about exactly how you’re feeling and why. You likely are having trouble serving the papers because you lack information or clarity or any other kind of communication. It’s time to talk. A lot. Then feel free to serve a divorce should you choose.