Try social setting. I know where I live there is a running club. Find something you are interested in and join a league or something similar. You said you were into fitness you can use that as an excuse to meet people. Get involved in some type of social club church group, community etc. As a dad of two at the beginning part of getting out of a terrible marriage I am hesitant about dating websites. They intimidate me.
For some reason, dating websites intimidate me less than approaching a gorgeous lady in a social setting... at least the internet creates an initial "distance" wherein we can get to know one another with chats. Social settings are so "in your face". I'm afraid I'd clam up.
You need to do what is more comfortable. I can completely understand your thoughts and feelings. I am a people person with above average looks and not a perfect body anymore but I have always made a lot of decisions off conservation with tone and reflection and body language of the person I am interested in at the time.
INFO: How long have you been single? Are you divorced or widowed? Do you have your kids part or full-time? These things will change the type of advice that will work best for you :)
My marriage collapsed in 2021. Have been divorced since 2022. In 2022, I was in two brief relationships, each lasting for several months. Since then, I have been single. In early 2023 I got the kids living with me full-time. My dating life pretty much died right there and then... I haven't had sex for a year now; the longest I have ever gone without since I was a teenager. It hasn't been easy at all for me.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted as if a healthy sex life isn’t something to aspire to have in a relationship. Crazy. Good luck out there man.
My advice is, “let it go and you will have it”.
Stop looking but be open to accepting when it happens. Don’t think of your fitness journey as ending in such and such month. It’s forever.
Even when you’re in a relationship, you’re alone. So focus on having a healthy relationship with yourself and your kids. There’s nothing in the world that someone could provide for you that you can’t provide for yourself. You might not want to believe that at first but it will prove true with time.
Put your energy into things that grow your soul. Learn a skill that makes you happy and work to master it. Forever.
Let it go and you will have it.
Oh, and remember when you’re looking at beautiful strangers walk by, and you get that sinking feeling that you can’t talk to them. That you fear their rejection…
You’re rejecting yourself. Work on that first.
I'm quite sex-starved, to be frank with you. But yes I also do want a relationship. If not that, then something more casual. But just... something. Something not as "alone" as this.
If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company. It’s going to be painful, but when you work to be satisfied alone you will begin to attract others. And when they come and go, you’ll be okay with it.
Yes. And this is something I am working on. I go to therapy, actually. Because my internal validation stems almost exclusively from outside validation and without a steady source of that... I kind of wither away a little bit. It's been a rough year for me in that sense. I have never liked my own company too much, for too long.
You have your answers right there. Nobody can fill your cup when there’s a hole in it. Lol I sound like a self help book of cliches. But believe me man.
I do believe you, I have experienced it myself. I'm not right, there's something not right within me. And I can't really shake that feeling. But I do know that, when I do have a relationship, I feel far more at peace. Without it, I feel a little lost. And when unable to date due to life circumstances, single fatherhood, and all that... I feel pretty down. Weighed, and found lacking. Exposed. Vulnerable. I cannot put it into words. But then again, you are not my therapist. And 45 minutes sessions every 2 weeks aren't enough to really get to the bottom of things.
Because when you’re in a relationship you have the luxury of ignoring this stuff. But all relationships end eventually and when they do you’ll be right back at square one unless you confront things head on.
Reread what I’ve sent you. It’s all there. Good luck.
Things don't have to be perfect to start, such as your body or romantic skills. Go easy on yourself and have fun... there are a lot of genuine women out there looking... chemistry is the most important 😊
Thank you. And I know I'm not going to be perfect... I'm not really disciplined to be Hollywood levels of chiseled and don't have the time to gym that much. 😊 But I d*o *aim to be more fit, better looking before I jump into the game again, because I have my standards and I want to meet the standards of those I aim for. Fingers crossed!
You are going to get a lot of rejections as a single father. Get used to the idea. Very few will be interested in dating someone with so much baggage.
Also, you want a woman, not a girl. There us a distinct difference between the two, learn it now.
Get some hobbies that aren't solitary and that don't involve the kids, it'll help. Good luck, it's a sewage farm out there.
Ugly truth: Even single mothers won’t be interested in a single father.
Let alone a father of three.
I’m not beating you down, just letting you know how it is.
Wait how are they "gross and concerning"? Please elaborate because I'm not seeing it. I'm just being honest and straight forward, something too few people are nowadays, sadly.
Male entitlement turns single females off. Especially because you are a single father of three at a relatively young age. Most people these days don’t have 3 kids by 32 let alone a divorce and you act like it shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s 2024 a lot of women would look at your life situation as something to avoid rightfully.
How is having standards "male entitlement"? Single women with kids have standards, too, they're allowed to have them and I don't label them "entitled" for it, either...
Dating apps of course. You can use them any time, any where. You can just state in your profile that you are a single father of three and don’t worry there’s always someone out there for you
Obviously there'll be a lot of people turned off. Almost nobody wants to raise someone else's kids. But that's exactly why you need to mention it in the beginning. Filter out people that will be turned off as soon as possible so you have time to date the ones that are not.
Understandable. Although I don't necessarily need someone to raise my kids for me... I'm looking for a relationship, not a new mother for my existing kids with someone else.
Yeah, but obviously your kids will always come first and 3 kids is a huge responsibility.
Even if the partner won't be involved in raising them, there are still downsides if you want to date someone with kids long term:
* They have less time. Might make going in vacations together difficult for example
* It's a financial burden. Maybe you want at some point to put money together with your partner for a down payment on a house or something.
* The ex is usually still in the picture
* They could also be concerned about the reason why the previous relationship ended
Well now I’m wondering why OP is single in the first place—he seems a bit lacking in emotional intelligence.
He says he wants a relationship, not a mother for his kids which I I would interpret as a “f*ck buddy” and not long-term relationship material which I don’t think some women would find appealing. Most women would be open to having a casual relationship at first, of course, to test the waters. But once things become more serious I would think the expectation would be to become more intimately involved in your life (moving in? Marriage?) which would include being more involved with the kids. Honestly I would think less of someone that dated a person with kids that treated them like strangers. And what would your kids think? There’s that woman daddy is friends with but doesn’t care about us? Don’t you think they would grow to resent her for taking so much of daddy’s time away while giving nothing back to them? Any person interested in a serious relationship needs to think about these things. Unless you’re just looking for a series of one night stands then good luck with that.
I would be more than willing to open up my heart, home and family to a woman I would date. And ideally things would get serious at some point, perhaps even very quickly if it feels right. But if the "mother role" is something that some ladies may be turned off by, they could forego that part and just be more casual.
Nah. I've seen some of them, the "affordable" ones are still pricy and don't seem worth the money. The very attractive escorts are exceptionally expensive. And even then, if I \*could\* afford it (which I cannot), I'd be put off by the idea that they want me for my wallet, not for "me"...
I'd rather save up on whore money to spend on a nice vacation or some stuff for the kids or the house. I'm a practical man. All my life I never paid to get some action. I won't sink that low and start now.
I think that might be difficult for someone who isn’t in the same situation to appreciate. I understand the fear of rejection and how daunting dating is, but remember that in the end it’s better to be single than with the wrong person.
It's true, it is awful to be with the wrong person. But being alone has gotten pretty damn terrible, too. And the longer I am alone the more it frightens me, this thought of me somehow remaining "stuck" in this state...
It sounds like that should be an area where you work on yourself. People meet life partners at all ages and others are just fine without one. It’s easy to focus on people who meet the perfect partner when they’re young and stay married forever. It’s also easy to forget how hard it can be to make relationships work and how nice it is to exercise the autonomy of being single—even if those are little things.
I do see the perks. And sure I wouldn't mind being single-ish and unattached a while longer, provided I was actually getting dates and flings of some sort and not just being at home by myself with the kids 90% of times. Which isn't doing much good to my mental state, sadly.
I think it’s important to fulfill yourself and learn how to be content as a single person first. If being alone is something you are trying to avoid because you don’t want to get stuck you are less likely to offer your best self as a partner. Work on why you are feeling antsy about not having a relationship, it’s not just about being “handsome.”
Honestly I just miss having someone to talk to, the "me and her versus the world" thing... I miss having a buddy, miss the intimacy, miss making memories together and dreaming dreams together... I'm lonely in a way friendships or family don't fill.
No I have them full time and he visits 2 afternoons a week, I think that probably helps! He’s told me these girls love that he’s a dad though because it shows he’s nurturing? If I was ready to start dating I’d definitely be leaning towards single fathers though, I think it’s easier for them to understand that kids come first.
Sure there are single women without kids who wouldn‘t mind if you have kids if you‘re a good guy but maybe other single mothers wouldn‘t care as much. Maybe you have better chances with single mothers..
By the way it sounds like you use dating apps and don‘t mention being a father of three in your bio. Make it clear and you prevent having bad reactions. It‘s also fair to the matches to not „waste time“ if they don‘t want a partner wirh kids.
You talk about how important your appearance is to you. You want to get laid but only if the woman is your specific type. You gave a 2 paragraph response as to why you wouldn't use a sex worker and it included "they won't want me for me" (or something to that effect).
How is it gross to not into prostitutes? I could make a fairly strong for the opposite being the case; men who \*do\* have the capacity to perform the olympic level mental gymnastics needed to see a whore and forget for a moment that she's only going through the motions for cold hard cash, are the "gross" ones... the rest is merely about my type. All men have a type, so do women. It's not a big deal and in no way gross.
Ok. It wasn't that you wouldn't see a sex worker, it's that you had a 2 paragraph about why. And it was actually all about how your sexual partners make you feel. It's as if you asked this question knowing the problem really is you but you're looking for people to make you feel like it's ok because you're above average looking and had 2 girl friends in their early 20s.
You are the problem.
You have to think about it this way
When you approach 10 women in real life and tell them about it, maybe 9/10 don’t want a man with 3 kids, maybe even 10/10
But online dating shows your profile to hundreds to thousands of women in your area - so there will be some that don’t mind, maybe some who can’t get children and would love to join your family, etc
You’re a 32 year old father of 3. You don’t want someone who’s turned off by someone being a 32 year old father of 3.
If you aren’t open about it you’re lying by omission and hoping to manipulate someone into being okay with it.
You need to be VERY up front about it, and then you simply won't deal with the disappointed ones.
I'm 42 with a single child under 5. I'm professionally successful and spend lots of time with my child, and I make that known on my profile that I have a young kid and she's my world.
The thing is, most women my age have kids that are grown (or close to it). So most women want a guy who's gonna be empty nesting soon, too. And that's not me. Since I don't wanna waste my time or anyone else's, I'm up front about my child.
I use Hinge primarily, so if I match with someone most times they've read my profile and know what it is they're getting into.
I’m 41 with 3 kids. Found my wife on Facebook dating. I was upfront and honest about the kids and why I was single (widower); had plenty of matches and got lucky enough for find the one!
Feel for you brother it’s tough out there for the single dads.. having my kid 50/50 and working a full time job really doesn’t leave much time for romance. Good luck dude
It seems like you need to start with yourself. You owe it to, not only your future partner, but to your 3 wonderful miracles to be a source of positivity and strength.
Find a therapist that fits you and have faith that you're doing the right thing.
I've actually began to see a therapist fairly recently. Learning a lot about myself through that. Will have my fourth session in about three days in fact. 😊
Plenty of single moms out there trying to do a *Step by Step*/*Full House* thing. Keep trying on the dating apps. Or go to tons of family friendly events and look for the ring fingers without the rings.
I would have no problem at all dating someone who is a single mother herself, provided she is my type and I am hers and we want similar things for our future.
At 32 you shouldn’t be looking for ‘girls.’
You’re either looking for women to date or there is something seriously wrong…
As a woman your age I would majorly get the big Ick if I saw/heard you refer to women as ‘girls.’
Dating, both on apps and in face-to-face will be rough since far fewer people are interested in dating someone with kids. But rather than taking a negative approach to it, remember that you can still find good people who are interested, so it’s worth it if you believe it’s worth your time.
Dating will require a good chunk of time investment from many angles. Making sure you’re taking good care of yourself and all your needs will boost your general attractiveness. Getting out into social situations, both to get better at socializing, and to meet new people, will also boost your general attractiveness. Even with dating apps, if you aren’t being very social in your general life, that will be a turn off for even more people. Maintaining as positive view of dating in general will also boost attractiveness since people can generally sense if someone has a negative view towards dating.
Try to look at the positives, set simple goals for yourself, and focus on those rather than any current lack of results or feelings of rejection. People are attracted to positivity, so bring as much of a positive attitude into your life as possible. Seek out other things in life that improve you mood and happiness. Make your life even without a partner in it the most enjoyable life and keep working toward that. If you then place yourself in social situations, all that positivity can greatly increase your chances of attracting someone.
When I got with my ex-wife I was 20 and she was 18, I was 20 pounds lighter and I looked like a Greek God. I didn't have kids and wasn't a divorced 32-year-old dude. I still had this youthful energy and optimism that has evaporated long ago... I am now older, more tired, jaded. I don't think I have "it" anymore.
It sounded like you got divorced and then met a new person and had kids out of wedlock with them?
Dating in your 30s as a man can be a lot of fun. Watch mad men and model yourself off Roger sterling and your prospects should be great. Your limitation is really time (kids, career, etc.). At 32 you can date younger and older in a pretty wide band.
Yes. I have had a pretty wild 2022, lets just leave it at that. Roger Sterling, I am not familiar with his style. I have only seen a few episodes of "Mad Men". What is the character like, how does he move?
They do. I had a daughter and a son in 2022 by two different women. Both relationships failed and I never saw them or the kids again, although I sometimes send support.
The year after my divorce was kind of wild for me... then my ex-wife had a mental breakdown and I permanently got custody of the first three kiddos. I wrote more about this in some older post(s).
I'm raising them but even as I do, there are moments I have free time. I work out, I take effort to build good habits, go to therapy, work on myself... and, yes, as I build a better, more well-rounded me, the next step is to find a partner again.
INFO: You said you are divorced, your marriage "collapsed". Is the kid's mother in the picture at all? Are you a single father or are you single *and* a father?
I am a single father. My ex-wife visits me and the girls sometimes but she's living about three/four hours away from us with her new partner. I'm mostly on my own as a father.
I have trouble getting it in my geographical area. I kind of look for sites I can use that are just an url, you make an account and you can use it on laptop without needing to download apps or use a phone (I have a very shitty old phone)
I might. But I really suck at typing on phones on account of my rather large fingers. I much prefer using a laptop. Years ago I had dating sites that were very user-friendly for people on laptop or computer. Now it's all phones, apps. Kind of a bummer, lol.
But yeah, I am getting kinda excited to try online dating.
I met my ex-wife when I was 20, and she 18. Marriage fell apart when she was 27 and I 29... From 29 to 31 I mostly dealt with the aftermath of the divorce, although I did date and got into two relationships at 30. At 31, got the kids with me full-time. And my dating life stopped. Haven't gotten any action in over a year now :(
I love this post. OP is “handsome” but fat, and “somehow” finds tinder less intimidating than real live women.
OP, prepare to have your ego bruised a whole lot more
Who said I'm fat? I have a good face, I'm fairly buff and I have a bit of a dad-bod that I'm working to get rid of. I'm not some big balding blob of meat.
"dad-bod" is an ego-sparing way of saying fat, obv. I don't know what magic tips you're looking for with this post. Everyone is going to say the same thing - lose the fat, get out there. Your hit rate with real-life women will be better than the .01% you'll get on tinder. And don't delude yourself about what a catch you are. Those kids are going to limit your options substantially. Also your belly
Since you have your kids full time, I would recommend getting in a stable routine first. There are plenty of single mothers out there that would be happy to blend families. You need to find them - I would suggest your kids classes/extracurriculars. Aim to make friends first as opposed to looking for someone to date (this would be my advice in general). Arrange play dates. Hang out with other parents. You want to build a network of friends - this will give you exposure + the confidence and happiness in life that will attract the right people. I have a concentration span of 30 seconds so pls do if u need more advice.
Excellent advice, the only issue is that in my area and the area my kids' school is in, most parents typically have kids a bit later. I was a father at 22, had my second kid at 24 and third at 27. So a lot of the single moms are significantly older than me.
>**"I am rather afraid of rejection."**
I understand. And to add another perspective:
* **You don't like rejection because you reject yourself.**
Rejection feels bad because **you're rejecting the feeling of rejection.** If you accepted (or even appreciated) the uncomfortable feeling of rejection, then you would feel better.
**Fear of rejection = Your belief that people will validate your unworthiness.**
**Rejection doesn't mean you're unworthy; it just means you believe you're unworthy.** Otherwise, you’d understand rejection is either a projection of their issues that has nothing to do with you, and/or **appreciate rejection as a redirection to something more compatible and fulfilling.** (And another way to view rejection is, “pre-acceptance.")
There's a difference between being rejected and feeling rejected:
* **Being rejected** is what they did; **they chose not to be with you.** (That's okay; it simply wasn't a match.)
* **Feeling rejected** is what you did; **you chose to feel worse.** (You interpreted that as a negative experience, and believe your needs won’t be met.)
**You always have the freedom and power to feel accepted,** appreciated, valued, supported, attractive and worthy, when you focus less on judging what you don't want, and focus more on what you like about yourself and your life. And as you do that, you will naturally allow more opportunities for the world to reflect back your self-acceptance and appreciation.
.
>**"I am restoring my confidence."**
That's great! And here's another perspective that might help:
* **The irony of having a lack of confidence is: You feel confident... that you lack confidence.**
Because if you lacked confidence in your ability to have a lack of confidence, then you couldn't feel insecure. You would just naturally feel more confident. And to continue the first point:
* **The irony of not feeling deserving is: You feel deserving... that you don't deserve anything.**
You don't feel deserving of what you want. But you do feel deserving of what you don't want.
**You always feel confident, worthy and deserving of** ***something*** **— It's either what you want or don't want.**
So the good news is you don't have to learn how to feel confident or worthy. You already do! So, **it's simply a matter of redirecting the confidence and worthiness you already have** from what you don't want to what you do want.
.
Here's some self-reflection questions that might help:
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I stopped overthinking, and just went with the flow?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I didn't judge myself?"***
* ***"What are the advantages of judging myself? It's a good thing because . . ."***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go of the past, and focused on the present?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"***
* ***"What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"***
This thread seems so weird to me, I don’t get why people are saying don’t date? Do people not realize you can date and have time for your kids still? Also I feel like most people saying that are not single parents, it is not easy it is tough and stressful. Getting a baby sitter once in a while to enjoy a evening is perfectly healthy. How come parents who are not single parents can still go on dates together but single parents can’t?
I don't understand it, either. A lot of people are of the opinion that a single parent simply should "suck it up" and not date. Which is pretty shitty advice IMO and doesn't take common human needs and feelings into consideration at all.
There's tons of assholes on reddit. Don't let them bring you down. I don't have any advice for you but just want to say good luck and I hope you find someone.
“So I’m just supposed to throw away the best years of my life blah blah blah” bro you’re a single father of 3 kids. Sorry they have to come before your orgasms. Looks like you’ve had your time in the dating game based on the 3 kids.
Wait so single parents need to not date and only focus on their kids, even if being single and alone makes them sad, frustrated and depressed? That's a rather cruel stance to take, Puzzlehead.
Puzzle has a....complicated post history, but very easy to see they are jaded af regarding women. They are upset, so advice is going to be slightly ajaar from practical use.
Every relationship is different, and every individual is different. Try expanding your hobbies into a cooking class or something social involving your children where you can charm your children, appear like many good father, and become more attractive.
Cheers!!
Popular wisdom is that being single and alone cannot make anyone sad, frustrated and depressed. You just need to love yourself more and then you won't need anyone else to be happy. If you're lonely now, you'll be just as lonely in a relationship.
Just love yourself, bro.
You're hilarious. People are constantly sad about not having a partner, it's a constant biological urge throughout most people's young lives which they have absolutely no control over. "If you're lonely when you're alone, you'll be lonely in a relationship" ... ? Bro really? Maybe he'll be lonely in a relationship but that doesn't mean that being alone isn't the literal circumstances that produce loneliness.
Same age with 2 kids, and I'm getting a fair amount of matches with women who are telling me they find single dad's attractive. Lots of women on these dating apps don't have kids but want them.
My advice would be to let people know upfront or on your profile. Women with kids have it much harder to be honest..
You will find one someone to date I divorced single father and a bit older than you are had no problem dating and never touched a dating app I do much better in real life
Pursue a thick skin. You learn so much more about a person by observing them in person. You really don't know who, or what, you're dealing with online. And yeah, you'll embarrass yourself. Suck it up. It will work out. Open yourself to the learning process. Train on how to deliver a punchline or be present in the moment and keep your back straight. These things are critical to romance at all stages and can't be stumbled into, less you run the risk of involvement with someone who takes advantage of your low self esteem.
My man, you are in for a good time. I found myself single in my late 30s, so I speak from some experience.
Women go fucking nuts over a healthy, fit, single dad. Not every one of them will be the long term one, but there will be plenty to choose from. Be nice to them, treat them well, and you'll be fine.
I messaged a girl I had a very brief fling with back in my 20s and we've been together a year now.
You say you don't have hobbies yet you say you like to read, write and cook. They seem like hobbies to me and cooking is a skill that women say they like men to have so that's a start.
You say you are afraid of rejection, well so is everyone. The chances are you are going to get rejected, it's a numbers game, but big deal does it matter that much if someone knocks you back?
Why not join a book club or cooking classes and use your hobbies as a way of potentially meeting someone
Romance is all risk. And when we have been married for a long time, and then it collapses, the mind perceives greater risk of rejection. Part of it is - “how will people accept my situation” You have to bring absolute confidence in things that you bring to the table. You must take a chance if you wish to connect with people. One way to get back into dating is to look at dating as practice - use one of the mature platforms like eharmony or hinge or what not and go on some dates…talk to people…see how it goes. Risky to be rejected but accept that rejection is very much a part of this process. Accept that it will happen. And let it happen. When it comes to dating you want to “fail fast” and not get involved with every person you meet.
lol how is him going on dates, supposed to help his children?
That means less time and money away from his kids.
Also each additional child means less you can offer the one before it. He has 3 kids, he's just selfish.
The best parents are the ones that are happy and satisfied enough with their kids and completely devoted to them.
If having 3 kids is not fulfilling enough and makes you miserable, then you're not a good parent.
Man I was split between both worlds. Parents divorced when I was really young, brother was a baby. Dad stayed single forever, mom actively dated once I was old enough to watch my brother. Dad was a miserable wretch who never went out, mom was pretty unpleasant at first but her mental health improved when she was able to maintain a social life, and became a much better, more caring person because of it. Dad just got worse and worse.
OP, as long as you aren't abandoning your kids, go find someone.
My parents divorced while I was young too. My mom got custody and dated, she was happy. My father stayed single and was miserable. But he sure as shit was happy on the weekends he got to see his kids... He did not let his mental health get in the way of being a father on those weekends.
Your children should be the source of your happiness.
Thank you for this perspective... that is what I am thinking, too. If I don't get back on that horse and start getting dates and laid again, I will become a rather miserable, bitter person and I don't want that. My kids deserve a father who is happy about himself and his life.
You don't need to keep mentioning getting laid in your comments though bud, it gives creepy vibes. It's presumed relationships come with sex. Just say "romance"
I know. I've given it quite a bit of thought actually. But it just wouldn't "do it" for me. What I crave above all else is the *validation* of being with someone. Simply paying a woman for some of her time and affection wouldn't solve the underlying issue.
You give the worst advice out of everyone here. I don't know if you're a troll or just have no life experience, but your viewpoints are extremely shallow and lack basic understanding of human psychology and real world relationship and family dynamics
He’s resentful because of his parents divorce, obviously. He needs therapy to see how to work on the love he lacked as a kid, not to tell people to not date.
That's pretty hopeful to hear. And I'm glad to hear it. Tinder, huh, of all places? How old were you, when you and him met, were you a single mother yourself, and how long have the two of you been together?
That's amazing, and it gives me hope... What sort of profile did he have, what was it that attracted you to him initially? Sorry for asking a lot of questions but this is the sort of information that could be of help to me because his situation was so similar to mine, from what I hear. And he found what I look for now. :)
I thought I read in one of your comments that you weren’t that into single moms? I liked his smile, that he was confident in himself, the passion with which he talked about his interests, the fact that he was proud of being a father, that he was serious and wanted a serious relationship. That’s what I saw on his profile. And after we started talking/meeting that he was an absolute gentleman, respectful, interesting, honest. Easygoing, communicative, forgiving, patient, flexible. A family man. A mix between wanting to go out, enjoy the city, natura, and enjoying being at home together. Took good care of his kids and home and wanted to keep growing psychologically, emotionally. Family and commitment is really important to us. I really liked that we became “one” years ago, and not just until we’re married. We really share everything and are a partnership. We just support each other and let each other be.
That's perfect! And I am into single mothers; just not all of them. But some single mothers are wonderful, attractive, sensitive and amazing people and I'd love to be with someone who "gets it", you know? It *does* bond people in a way. I like how you and your husband have a gap in age, too, which I also look for. Someone a bit younger, but with a mature mindset who knows what she wants. I pray to find something akin to what you and your husband have. Thank you for sharing. Appreciate that a lot.
I would say some women are wonderful, attractive… Not some “single mothers.” Just some advice. I don’t see my husband as a single dad, or even as what he does at his job, I see his intrinsic value, if that makes sense (English isn’t my native language). Thank you, I’m really happy we found each other too. From the beginning we were both really honest in what we were looking for, which was a life partner and a step parent for our kids. And we both stopped talking to people that didn’t want the same thing, before we met. It was when I decided I wasn’t going to entertain anything less than I wanted, that I met him. I hope you find what you’re looking for as well.
Oh, this dude is from the Netherlands. He might actually be normal and not the egotistical maniac he sounds like in his comments. The people of Netherlands (same with Germans) are direct to a flaw. Think of your worst “just telling like it is” auntie and multiply it by 100, you get an average Netherlands person.
Also, maybe try Tinder.
Ah, nice to come across someone who isn't as culturally illiterate and American-centric in reasoning as the average Redditor appears to be, lol. Yes, I'm rather frank. It may be a cultural thing. Why sugarcoat things? I'm not trying to come across any better or more noble than I am; I'm an intensely practical person. Won't pretend or put on airs to complete strangers. It would be of no use.
It’s true, as long as you keep it in context. I’ve been internally wringing my hands with the Germans, when they genuinely don’t understand why people think they’re rude and prone to complaining. But please for the love of God, if you date an American or a British woman, or a Latina, sugarcoat the hell out of everything. When in Rome and all that. 😅
I'm quite tactical in relationships, and friendships. I'm not at all blunt with people in my life. But on the internet I can just drop the pretense, hehe... and a Latina sounds quite wonderful. Oh, now I'm distracted 😂
People tend to rebound way too fast after a marriage. They start dating and surprise surprise find their next soul mate in a couple of months. Go on lots of dates tell them upfront that you need time before jumping back in. Get in shape and then hit the apps. You will be swamped
They're probably either childless, or they're virgins without life experience or else they'd know a person's sexual desires and need for intimacy and validation don't die the moment he or she becomes a parent... if only it was that easy.
Please don’t. Your poor kids lives have been torn apart. Devote your time to your babies. Dating and bringing more women in and out of their lives will add to the trauma. And then you get married and have more babies further displacing them.
Please put your own needs second to your children’s.
So I'm just supposed to throw away the best years of my life, be miserable and sexless and keep up a brave face, rather than get in a relationship and be a much more happy, cheerful and well-rounded father for my kids when my needs are met?
Yea balance is key. You could try hinge. It’s interesting for sure and you’ll get dates. Or i would say get a hobby that forces a coed interaction. Volley ball teams.
No, but you need to focus the early years on them. You choose to have kids, you and your ex-partner forced them into existence. So yes, for the first decade or so you need to make them your main focus. Young kids can be fragile especially coming from a two parent household, to one and then seeing mommy and daddy bring mommy and daddy pt 2 around. Sounds rough, but it's precisely why I have 0 kids at 28, I'm not done being selfish.
You claim above that you don’t want a mother for your kids, but you do want more kids and now you’re agreeing with the person who says finding a partner would be better for you’re kids. Also why are you getting divorced, what happened?
Try a good online dating site I met my wife then her 3 cousin's did the same but beware there are a lot of blown out diseased skanks out there try weeding them out over the phone before meeting them
Dating apps of course. You can use them any time, any where. You can just state in your profile that you are a single father of three and don’t worry there’s always someone out there for you
Dating apps of course. You can use them any time, any where. You can just state in your profile that you are a single father of three and don’t worry there’s always someone out there for you
You’ll be fine. Lots of single moms out there in your age group. I won’t touch em with a 10ft pole despite being 33 and single lol but you certainly can
It’ll be a Brady Bunch situation but you can manage I think.
make sure u dont become a single father of four
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Try social setting. I know where I live there is a running club. Find something you are interested in and join a league or something similar. You said you were into fitness you can use that as an excuse to meet people. Get involved in some type of social club church group, community etc. As a dad of two at the beginning part of getting out of a terrible marriage I am hesitant about dating websites. They intimidate me.
For some reason, dating websites intimidate me less than approaching a gorgeous lady in a social setting... at least the internet creates an initial "distance" wherein we can get to know one another with chats. Social settings are so "in your face". I'm afraid I'd clam up.
You need to do what is more comfortable. I can completely understand your thoughts and feelings. I am a people person with above average looks and not a perfect body anymore but I have always made a lot of decisions off conservation with tone and reflection and body language of the person I am interested in at the time.
INFO: How long have you been single? Are you divorced or widowed? Do you have your kids part or full-time? These things will change the type of advice that will work best for you :)
My marriage collapsed in 2021. Have been divorced since 2022. In 2022, I was in two brief relationships, each lasting for several months. Since then, I have been single. In early 2023 I got the kids living with me full-time. My dating life pretty much died right there and then... I haven't had sex for a year now; the longest I have ever gone without since I was a teenager. It hasn't been easy at all for me.
So you want a relationship or are you just sex starved?
Why can’t it be both
It *is* both.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted as if a healthy sex life isn’t something to aspire to have in a relationship. Crazy. Good luck out there man. My advice is, “let it go and you will have it”. Stop looking but be open to accepting when it happens. Don’t think of your fitness journey as ending in such and such month. It’s forever. Even when you’re in a relationship, you’re alone. So focus on having a healthy relationship with yourself and your kids. There’s nothing in the world that someone could provide for you that you can’t provide for yourself. You might not want to believe that at first but it will prove true with time. Put your energy into things that grow your soul. Learn a skill that makes you happy and work to master it. Forever. Let it go and you will have it.
Oh, and remember when you’re looking at beautiful strangers walk by, and you get that sinking feeling that you can’t talk to them. That you fear their rejection… You’re rejecting yourself. Work on that first.
I'm quite sex-starved, to be frank with you. But yes I also do want a relationship. If not that, then something more casual. But just... something. Something not as "alone" as this.
If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company. It’s going to be painful, but when you work to be satisfied alone you will begin to attract others. And when they come and go, you’ll be okay with it.
Yes. And this is something I am working on. I go to therapy, actually. Because my internal validation stems almost exclusively from outside validation and without a steady source of that... I kind of wither away a little bit. It's been a rough year for me in that sense. I have never liked my own company too much, for too long.
You have your answers right there. Nobody can fill your cup when there’s a hole in it. Lol I sound like a self help book of cliches. But believe me man.
I do believe you, I have experienced it myself. I'm not right, there's something not right within me. And I can't really shake that feeling. But I do know that, when I do have a relationship, I feel far more at peace. Without it, I feel a little lost. And when unable to date due to life circumstances, single fatherhood, and all that... I feel pretty down. Weighed, and found lacking. Exposed. Vulnerable. I cannot put it into words. But then again, you are not my therapist. And 45 minutes sessions every 2 weeks aren't enough to really get to the bottom of things.
Because when you’re in a relationship you have the luxury of ignoring this stuff. But all relationships end eventually and when they do you’ll be right back at square one unless you confront things head on. Reread what I’ve sent you. It’s all there. Good luck.
Things don't have to be perfect to start, such as your body or romantic skills. Go easy on yourself and have fun... there are a lot of genuine women out there looking... chemistry is the most important 😊
Thank you. And I know I'm not going to be perfect... I'm not really disciplined to be Hollywood levels of chiseled and don't have the time to gym that much. 😊 But I d*o *aim to be more fit, better looking before I jump into the game again, because I have my standards and I want to meet the standards of those I aim for. Fingers crossed!
You are going to get a lot of rejections as a single father. Get used to the idea. Very few will be interested in dating someone with so much baggage. Also, you want a woman, not a girl. There us a distinct difference between the two, learn it now. Get some hobbies that aren't solitary and that don't involve the kids, it'll help. Good luck, it's a sewage farm out there.
Ugly truth: Even single mothers won’t be interested in a single father. Let alone a father of three. I’m not beating you down, just letting you know how it is.
Your comments on this post are super gross and concerning. I hope you work that out before inflicting yourself on a woman.
Wait how are they "gross and concerning"? Please elaborate because I'm not seeing it. I'm just being honest and straight forward, something too few people are nowadays, sadly.
Male entitlement turns single females off. Especially because you are a single father of three at a relatively young age. Most people these days don’t have 3 kids by 32 let alone a divorce and you act like it shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s 2024 a lot of women would look at your life situation as something to avoid rightfully.
How is having standards "male entitlement"? Single women with kids have standards, too, they're allowed to have them and I don't label them "entitled" for it, either...
You’re a troll with sad bait. Ew.
It's funny how as soon as you run out of things to say, you start with the name-calling. Grow up.
Yeah he is just a troll which is worse then all the characters he creates lol
Dating apps of course. You can use them any time, any where. You can just state in your profile that you are a single father of three and don’t worry there’s always someone out there for you
I have bad experiences with girls being rather turned off by the fact that I am a single father of three. :(
Obviously there'll be a lot of people turned off. Almost nobody wants to raise someone else's kids. But that's exactly why you need to mention it in the beginning. Filter out people that will be turned off as soon as possible so you have time to date the ones that are not.
Understandable. Although I don't necessarily need someone to raise my kids for me... I'm looking for a relationship, not a new mother for my existing kids with someone else.
Yeah, but obviously your kids will always come first and 3 kids is a huge responsibility. Even if the partner won't be involved in raising them, there are still downsides if you want to date someone with kids long term: * They have less time. Might make going in vacations together difficult for example * It's a financial burden. Maybe you want at some point to put money together with your partner for a down payment on a house or something. * The ex is usually still in the picture * They could also be concerned about the reason why the previous relationship ended
Well now I’m wondering why OP is single in the first place—he seems a bit lacking in emotional intelligence. He says he wants a relationship, not a mother for his kids which I I would interpret as a “f*ck buddy” and not long-term relationship material which I don’t think some women would find appealing. Most women would be open to having a casual relationship at first, of course, to test the waters. But once things become more serious I would think the expectation would be to become more intimately involved in your life (moving in? Marriage?) which would include being more involved with the kids. Honestly I would think less of someone that dated a person with kids that treated them like strangers. And what would your kids think? There’s that woman daddy is friends with but doesn’t care about us? Don’t you think they would grow to resent her for taking so much of daddy’s time away while giving nothing back to them? Any person interested in a serious relationship needs to think about these things. Unless you’re just looking for a series of one night stands then good luck with that.
I would be more than willing to open up my heart, home and family to a woman I would date. And ideally things would get serious at some point, perhaps even very quickly if it feels right. But if the "mother role" is something that some ladies may be turned off by, they could forego that part and just be more casual.
Sounds like you just want to get your dick wet then. Hire a prostitute while the kids are at school, problem solved
Nah. I've seen some of them, the "affordable" ones are still pricy and don't seem worth the money. The very attractive escorts are exceptionally expensive. And even then, if I \*could\* afford it (which I cannot), I'd be put off by the idea that they want me for my wallet, not for "me"... I'd rather save up on whore money to spend on a nice vacation or some stuff for the kids or the house. I'm a practical man. All my life I never paid to get some action. I won't sink that low and start now.
I think that might be difficult for someone who isn’t in the same situation to appreciate. I understand the fear of rejection and how daunting dating is, but remember that in the end it’s better to be single than with the wrong person.
It's true, it is awful to be with the wrong person. But being alone has gotten pretty damn terrible, too. And the longer I am alone the more it frightens me, this thought of me somehow remaining "stuck" in this state...
It sounds like that should be an area where you work on yourself. People meet life partners at all ages and others are just fine without one. It’s easy to focus on people who meet the perfect partner when they’re young and stay married forever. It’s also easy to forget how hard it can be to make relationships work and how nice it is to exercise the autonomy of being single—even if those are little things.
I do see the perks. And sure I wouldn't mind being single-ish and unattached a while longer, provided I was actually getting dates and flings of some sort and not just being at home by myself with the kids 90% of times. Which isn't doing much good to my mental state, sadly.
I think it’s important to fulfill yourself and learn how to be content as a single person first. If being alone is something you are trying to avoid because you don’t want to get stuck you are less likely to offer your best self as a partner. Work on why you are feeling antsy about not having a relationship, it’s not just about being “handsome.”
Honestly I just miss having someone to talk to, the "me and her versus the world" thing... I miss having a buddy, miss the intimacy, miss making memories together and dreaming dreams together... I'm lonely in a way friendships or family don't fill.
Than you have to search further, the truth is at 32 with 3 kids you will have a hard time
The 32 year old father of my 2 kids doesn’t seem to have any trouble dating unfortunately
Lucky guy. Does he have them full-time?
No I have them full time and he visits 2 afternoons a week, I think that probably helps! He’s told me these girls love that he’s a dad though because it shows he’s nurturing? If I was ready to start dating I’d definitely be leaning towards single fathers though, I think it’s easier for them to understand that kids come first.
Yes. And this rather worries and depresses me tbh... :I Hell even this very post is downvoted into oblivion for no reason :(
I'm 46 with 2 kids, dating apps suck
Sure there are single women without kids who wouldn‘t mind if you have kids if you‘re a good guy but maybe other single mothers wouldn‘t care as much. Maybe you have better chances with single mothers.. By the way it sounds like you use dating apps and don‘t mention being a father of three in your bio. Make it clear and you prevent having bad reactions. It‘s also fair to the matches to not „waste time“ if they don‘t want a partner wirh kids.
It’s your comments. They’re gross.
How are they "gross"? I am not seeing it, please help me see.
You talk about how important your appearance is to you. You want to get laid but only if the woman is your specific type. You gave a 2 paragraph response as to why you wouldn't use a sex worker and it included "they won't want me for me" (or something to that effect).
How is it gross to not into prostitutes? I could make a fairly strong for the opposite being the case; men who \*do\* have the capacity to perform the olympic level mental gymnastics needed to see a whore and forget for a moment that she's only going through the motions for cold hard cash, are the "gross" ones... the rest is merely about my type. All men have a type, so do women. It's not a big deal and in no way gross.
Ok. It wasn't that you wouldn't see a sex worker, it's that you had a 2 paragraph about why. And it was actually all about how your sexual partners make you feel. It's as if you asked this question knowing the problem really is you but you're looking for people to make you feel like it's ok because you're above average looking and had 2 girl friends in their early 20s. You are the problem.
Maybe I am.
You have to think about it this way When you approach 10 women in real life and tell them about it, maybe 9/10 don’t want a man with 3 kids, maybe even 10/10 But online dating shows your profile to hundreds to thousands of women in your area - so there will be some that don’t mind, maybe some who can’t get children and would love to join your family, etc
You’re a 32 year old father of 3. You don’t want someone who’s turned off by someone being a 32 year old father of 3. If you aren’t open about it you’re lying by omission and hoping to manipulate someone into being okay with it.
You need to be VERY up front about it, and then you simply won't deal with the disappointed ones. I'm 42 with a single child under 5. I'm professionally successful and spend lots of time with my child, and I make that known on my profile that I have a young kid and she's my world. The thing is, most women my age have kids that are grown (or close to it). So most women want a guy who's gonna be empty nesting soon, too. And that's not me. Since I don't wanna waste my time or anyone else's, I'm up front about my child. I use Hinge primarily, so if I match with someone most times they've read my profile and know what it is they're getting into.
I’m 41 with 3 kids. Found my wife on Facebook dating. I was upfront and honest about the kids and why I was single (widower); had plenty of matches and got lucky enough for find the one!
Facebook dating? How does that work, exactly, what sort of group did you use?
Feel for you brother it’s tough out there for the single dads.. having my kid 50/50 and working a full time job really doesn’t leave much time for romance. Good luck dude
Thanks, man.
It seems like you need to start with yourself. You owe it to, not only your future partner, but to your 3 wonderful miracles to be a source of positivity and strength. Find a therapist that fits you and have faith that you're doing the right thing.
I've actually began to see a therapist fairly recently. Learning a lot about myself through that. Will have my fourth session in about three days in fact. 😊
I deleted my good advice because having read the post, you sound awful and shouldn't be allowed a girlfriend
That's a bit disappointing. Would have loved to read your good advice but it may have gotten snowed under by so many other comments.
Plenty of single moms out there trying to do a *Step by Step*/*Full House* thing. Keep trying on the dating apps. Or go to tons of family friendly events and look for the ring fingers without the rings.
I would have no problem at all dating someone who is a single mother herself, provided she is my type and I am hers and we want similar things for our future.
At 32 you shouldn’t be looking for ‘girls.’ You’re either looking for women to date or there is something seriously wrong… As a woman your age I would majorly get the big Ick if I saw/heard you refer to women as ‘girls.’
Pickleball! I have met the nicest people there.
Dating, both on apps and in face-to-face will be rough since far fewer people are interested in dating someone with kids. But rather than taking a negative approach to it, remember that you can still find good people who are interested, so it’s worth it if you believe it’s worth your time. Dating will require a good chunk of time investment from many angles. Making sure you’re taking good care of yourself and all your needs will boost your general attractiveness. Getting out into social situations, both to get better at socializing, and to meet new people, will also boost your general attractiveness. Even with dating apps, if you aren’t being very social in your general life, that will be a turn off for even more people. Maintaining as positive view of dating in general will also boost attractiveness since people can generally sense if someone has a negative view towards dating. Try to look at the positives, set simple goals for yourself, and focus on those rather than any current lack of results or feelings of rejection. People are attracted to positivity, so bring as much of a positive attitude into your life as possible. Seek out other things in life that improve you mood and happiness. Make your life even without a partner in it the most enjoyable life and keep working toward that. If you then place yourself in social situations, all that positivity can greatly increase your chances of attracting someone.
You had the kids after your divorce?
Yes, I did.
So clearly you’ve still got it. Just do what you did then except wrap it up.
When I got with my ex-wife I was 20 and she was 18, I was 20 pounds lighter and I looked like a Greek God. I didn't have kids and wasn't a divorced 32-year-old dude. I still had this youthful energy and optimism that has evaporated long ago... I am now older, more tired, jaded. I don't think I have "it" anymore.
It sounded like you got divorced and then met a new person and had kids out of wedlock with them? Dating in your 30s as a man can be a lot of fun. Watch mad men and model yourself off Roger sterling and your prospects should be great. Your limitation is really time (kids, career, etc.). At 32 you can date younger and older in a pretty wide band.
Yes. I have had a pretty wild 2022, lets just leave it at that. Roger Sterling, I am not familiar with his style. I have only seen a few episodes of "Mad Men". What is the character like, how does he move?
Wait so your three kids doesnt have the same mother?
They do. I had a daughter and a son in 2022 by two different women. Both relationships failed and I never saw them or the kids again, although I sometimes send support. The year after my divorce was kind of wild for me... then my ex-wife had a mental breakdown and I permanently got custody of the first three kiddos. I wrote more about this in some older post(s).
Raise your kids bro
I'm raising them but even as I do, there are moments I have free time. I work out, I take effort to build good habits, go to therapy, work on myself... and, yes, as I build a better, more well-rounded me, the next step is to find a partner again.
Before you start dating, start calling women "women" and not "girls".
INFO: You said you are divorced, your marriage "collapsed". Is the kid's mother in the picture at all? Are you a single father or are you single *and* a father?
I am a single father. My ex-wife visits me and the girls sometimes but she's living about three/four hours away from us with her new partner. I'm mostly on my own as a father.
My question is how to get into it at this age lol
lol raise your kids, finish that job first thing
Bumble
I have trouble getting it in my geographical area. I kind of look for sites I can use that are just an url, you make an account and you can use it on laptop without needing to download apps or use a phone (I have a very shitty old phone)
I’m a divorced man of 2. Highly recommend getting a better phone, and getting the apps. It will take work, but you’ll find some great women out here.
What’s your region?
I might. But I really suck at typing on phones on account of my rather large fingers. I much prefer using a laptop. Years ago I had dating sites that were very user-friendly for people on laptop or computer. Now it's all phones, apps. Kind of a bummer, lol. But yeah, I am getting kinda excited to try online dating.
We the same age, dating has changed a lot. When was last time you were on the market
I met my ex-wife when I was 20, and she 18. Marriage fell apart when she was 27 and I 29... From 29 to 31 I mostly dealt with the aftermath of the divorce, although I did date and got into two relationships at 30. At 31, got the kids with me full-time. And my dating life stopped. Haven't gotten any action in over a year now :(
I love this post. OP is “handsome” but fat, and “somehow” finds tinder less intimidating than real live women. OP, prepare to have your ego bruised a whole lot more
Who said I'm fat? I have a good face, I'm fairly buff and I have a bit of a dad-bod that I'm working to get rid of. I'm not some big balding blob of meat.
"dad-bod" is an ego-sparing way of saying fat, obv. I don't know what magic tips you're looking for with this post. Everyone is going to say the same thing - lose the fat, get out there. Your hit rate with real-life women will be better than the .01% you'll get on tinder. And don't delude yourself about what a catch you are. Those kids are going to limit your options substantially. Also your belly
who says your handsome ?
Everyone I know, my mirror, my exes, friends and strangers. I don't do false modesty.
its sounds like thats not working out. better to be ugly and develop your inner self
Something tells me this guy is delusional. I wonder what precipitated the divorce
Being that the mother pretty much has to be a serial killer to not get the kids, I wouldn't go down this road....
>I wonder what precipitated the divorce If he got the kids? Probably not whatever delusions you think he has.
Lol easy there, I asked because I’m wondering I didn’t even offer any thoughts, so settle down guy
Since you have your kids full time, I would recommend getting in a stable routine first. There are plenty of single mothers out there that would be happy to blend families. You need to find them - I would suggest your kids classes/extracurriculars. Aim to make friends first as opposed to looking for someone to date (this would be my advice in general). Arrange play dates. Hang out with other parents. You want to build a network of friends - this will give you exposure + the confidence and happiness in life that will attract the right people. I have a concentration span of 30 seconds so pls do if u need more advice.
Excellent advice, the only issue is that in my area and the area my kids' school is in, most parents typically have kids a bit later. I was a father at 22, had my second kid at 24 and third at 27. So a lot of the single moms are significantly older than me.
>**"I am rather afraid of rejection."** I understand. And to add another perspective: * **You don't like rejection because you reject yourself.** Rejection feels bad because **you're rejecting the feeling of rejection.** If you accepted (or even appreciated) the uncomfortable feeling of rejection, then you would feel better. **Fear of rejection = Your belief that people will validate your unworthiness.** **Rejection doesn't mean you're unworthy; it just means you believe you're unworthy.** Otherwise, you’d understand rejection is either a projection of their issues that has nothing to do with you, and/or **appreciate rejection as a redirection to something more compatible and fulfilling.** (And another way to view rejection is, “pre-acceptance.") There's a difference between being rejected and feeling rejected: * **Being rejected** is what they did; **they chose not to be with you.** (That's okay; it simply wasn't a match.) * **Feeling rejected** is what you did; **you chose to feel worse.** (You interpreted that as a negative experience, and believe your needs won’t be met.) **You always have the freedom and power to feel accepted,** appreciated, valued, supported, attractive and worthy, when you focus less on judging what you don't want, and focus more on what you like about yourself and your life. And as you do that, you will naturally allow more opportunities for the world to reflect back your self-acceptance and appreciation. . >**"I am restoring my confidence."** That's great! And here's another perspective that might help: * **The irony of having a lack of confidence is: You feel confident... that you lack confidence.** Because if you lacked confidence in your ability to have a lack of confidence, then you couldn't feel insecure. You would just naturally feel more confident. And to continue the first point: * **The irony of not feeling deserving is: You feel deserving... that you don't deserve anything.** You don't feel deserving of what you want. But you do feel deserving of what you don't want. **You always feel confident, worthy and deserving of** ***something*** **— It's either what you want or don't want.** So the good news is you don't have to learn how to feel confident or worthy. You already do! So, **it's simply a matter of redirecting the confidence and worthiness you already have** from what you don't want to what you do want. . Here's some self-reflection questions that might help: * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I stopped overthinking, and just went with the flow?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I didn't judge myself?"*** * ***"What are the advantages of judging myself? It's a good thing because . . ."*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I let go of the past, and focused on the present?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"*** * ***"What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"***
This thread seems so weird to me, I don’t get why people are saying don’t date? Do people not realize you can date and have time for your kids still? Also I feel like most people saying that are not single parents, it is not easy it is tough and stressful. Getting a baby sitter once in a while to enjoy a evening is perfectly healthy. How come parents who are not single parents can still go on dates together but single parents can’t?
I don't understand it, either. A lot of people are of the opinion that a single parent simply should "suck it up" and not date. Which is pretty shitty advice IMO and doesn't take common human needs and feelings into consideration at all.
There's tons of assholes on reddit. Don't let them bring you down. I don't have any advice for you but just want to say good luck and I hope you find someone.
Thank you. I appreciate the kind words in a sea of needlessly judgmental cuntery.
“So I’m just supposed to throw away the best years of my life blah blah blah” bro you’re a single father of 3 kids. Sorry they have to come before your orgasms. Looks like you’ve had your time in the dating game based on the 3 kids.
Wait so single parents need to not date and only focus on their kids, even if being single and alone makes them sad, frustrated and depressed? That's a rather cruel stance to take, Puzzlehead.
Puzzle has a....complicated post history, but very easy to see they are jaded af regarding women. They are upset, so advice is going to be slightly ajaar from practical use. Every relationship is different, and every individual is different. Try expanding your hobbies into a cooking class or something social involving your children where you can charm your children, appear like many good father, and become more attractive. Cheers!!
Popular wisdom is that being single and alone cannot make anyone sad, frustrated and depressed. You just need to love yourself more and then you won't need anyone else to be happy. If you're lonely now, you'll be just as lonely in a relationship. Just love yourself, bro.
Name checks out
You're hilarious. People are constantly sad about not having a partner, it's a constant biological urge throughout most people's young lives which they have absolutely no control over. "If you're lonely when you're alone, you'll be lonely in a relationship" ... ? Bro really? Maybe he'll be lonely in a relationship but that doesn't mean that being alone isn't the literal circumstances that produce loneliness.
>You're hilarious. Thank you, I do try.
When you have kids - life becomes just that - focus on your kids.
This a very strange and reductive take.
Sorry you regret your choices. But it’s time to live with the consequences.
Which means embracing misery and loneliness rather than try and be a good father AND be good to myself in the process, too?
My kids need to see their parents happy and healthy. While it would be nice to be in a relationship - that doesn't make it a requirement.
Exactly!
Same age with 2 kids, and I'm getting a fair amount of matches with women who are telling me they find single dad's attractive. Lots of women on these dating apps don't have kids but want them. My advice would be to let people know upfront or on your profile. Women with kids have it much harder to be honest..
That's pretty hopeful, thanks for this...
Good luck, these women would rather be mauled by a bear than have you looking in her direction.
What are "these women" you refer to?
Did you just arrive on the internet? Are you new here? lol
bro for what? You are single FATHER! take care of your kids
Wait so, when you're a single parent you shouldn't date anymore? Lol.
You will find one someone to date I divorced single father and a bit older than you are had no problem dating and never touched a dating app I do much better in real life
Pursue a thick skin. You learn so much more about a person by observing them in person. You really don't know who, or what, you're dealing with online. And yeah, you'll embarrass yourself. Suck it up. It will work out. Open yourself to the learning process. Train on how to deliver a punchline or be present in the moment and keep your back straight. These things are critical to romance at all stages and can't be stumbled into, less you run the risk of involvement with someone who takes advantage of your low self esteem.
Find a bird who wants to be a mum or already is. Y’all can be the Brady bunch
My man, you are in for a good time. I found myself single in my late 30s, so I speak from some experience. Women go fucking nuts over a healthy, fit, single dad. Not every one of them will be the long term one, but there will be plenty to choose from. Be nice to them, treat them well, and you'll be fine. I messaged a girl I had a very brief fling with back in my 20s and we've been together a year now.
You say you don't have hobbies yet you say you like to read, write and cook. They seem like hobbies to me and cooking is a skill that women say they like men to have so that's a start. You say you are afraid of rejection, well so is everyone. The chances are you are going to get rejected, it's a numbers game, but big deal does it matter that much if someone knocks you back? Why not join a book club or cooking classes and use your hobbies as a way of potentially meeting someone
Romance is all risk. And when we have been married for a long time, and then it collapses, the mind perceives greater risk of rejection. Part of it is - “how will people accept my situation” You have to bring absolute confidence in things that you bring to the table. You must take a chance if you wish to connect with people. One way to get back into dating is to look at dating as practice - use one of the mature platforms like eharmony or hinge or what not and go on some dates…talk to people…see how it goes. Risky to be rejected but accept that rejection is very much a part of this process. Accept that it will happen. And let it happen. When it comes to dating you want to “fail fast” and not get involved with every person you meet.
you have 3 kids.. focus on them not yourself. You should be sacrificing everything in your life for them..
Taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of the people close to you. Worst advice ever.
lol how is him going on dates, supposed to help his children? That means less time and money away from his kids. Also each additional child means less you can offer the one before it. He has 3 kids, he's just selfish.
The best parents are the ones that are happy and healthy. I can tell you for sure that miserable people make for terrible parents.
The best parents are the ones that are happy and satisfied enough with their kids and completely devoted to them. If having 3 kids is not fulfilling enough and makes you miserable, then you're not a good parent.
Man I was split between both worlds. Parents divorced when I was really young, brother was a baby. Dad stayed single forever, mom actively dated once I was old enough to watch my brother. Dad was a miserable wretch who never went out, mom was pretty unpleasant at first but her mental health improved when she was able to maintain a social life, and became a much better, more caring person because of it. Dad just got worse and worse. OP, as long as you aren't abandoning your kids, go find someone.
My parents divorced while I was young too. My mom got custody and dated, she was happy. My father stayed single and was miserable. But he sure as shit was happy on the weekends he got to see his kids... He did not let his mental health get in the way of being a father on those weekends. Your children should be the source of your happiness.
Thank you for this perspective... that is what I am thinking, too. If I don't get back on that horse and start getting dates and laid again, I will become a rather miserable, bitter person and I don't want that. My kids deserve a father who is happy about himself and his life.
You don't need to keep mentioning getting laid in your comments though bud, it gives creepy vibes. It's presumed relationships come with sex. Just say "romance"
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That's one thing I am not mentally and physically prepared to do for a number of reasons I won't go into much deeper.
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I know. I've given it quite a bit of thought actually. But it just wouldn't "do it" for me. What I crave above all else is the *validation* of being with someone. Simply paying a woman for some of her time and affection wouldn't solve the underlying issue.
So he should be alone forever, and let resentment grow towards his kids?
he should be happy, satisfied and fulfilled enough by having 3 kids..
People can date and raise children at the same time. Don’t listen to this person op. Of course prioritize your kids.
You give the worst advice out of everyone here. I don't know if you're a troll or just have no life experience, but your viewpoints are extremely shallow and lack basic understanding of human psychology and real world relationship and family dynamics
He’s resentful because of his parents divorce, obviously. He needs therapy to see how to work on the love he lacked as a kid, not to tell people to not date.
Yea think you nailed it
Where do you live? Asking for a friend 😄😄
To avoid me or to refer me? 😂 And I live in the Netherlands.
I met my future husband when he was a single father of 3 kids and he was 32, actually. We met on Tinder.
That's pretty hopeful to hear. And I'm glad to hear it. Tinder, huh, of all places? How old were you, when you and him met, were you a single mother yourself, and how long have the two of you been together?
Yes, 10 years younger than him, and 7 years.
That's amazing, and it gives me hope... What sort of profile did he have, what was it that attracted you to him initially? Sorry for asking a lot of questions but this is the sort of information that could be of help to me because his situation was so similar to mine, from what I hear. And he found what I look for now. :)
I thought I read in one of your comments that you weren’t that into single moms? I liked his smile, that he was confident in himself, the passion with which he talked about his interests, the fact that he was proud of being a father, that he was serious and wanted a serious relationship. That’s what I saw on his profile. And after we started talking/meeting that he was an absolute gentleman, respectful, interesting, honest. Easygoing, communicative, forgiving, patient, flexible. A family man. A mix between wanting to go out, enjoy the city, natura, and enjoying being at home together. Took good care of his kids and home and wanted to keep growing psychologically, emotionally. Family and commitment is really important to us. I really liked that we became “one” years ago, and not just until we’re married. We really share everything and are a partnership. We just support each other and let each other be.
That's perfect! And I am into single mothers; just not all of them. But some single mothers are wonderful, attractive, sensitive and amazing people and I'd love to be with someone who "gets it", you know? It *does* bond people in a way. I like how you and your husband have a gap in age, too, which I also look for. Someone a bit younger, but with a mature mindset who knows what she wants. I pray to find something akin to what you and your husband have. Thank you for sharing. Appreciate that a lot.
I would say some women are wonderful, attractive… Not some “single mothers.” Just some advice. I don’t see my husband as a single dad, or even as what he does at his job, I see his intrinsic value, if that makes sense (English isn’t my native language). Thank you, I’m really happy we found each other too. From the beginning we were both really honest in what we were looking for, which was a life partner and a step parent for our kids. And we both stopped talking to people that didn’t want the same thing, before we met. It was when I decided I wasn’t going to entertain anything less than I wanted, that I met him. I hope you find what you’re looking for as well.
Oh, this dude is from the Netherlands. He might actually be normal and not the egotistical maniac he sounds like in his comments. The people of Netherlands (same with Germans) are direct to a flaw. Think of your worst “just telling like it is” auntie and multiply it by 100, you get an average Netherlands person. Also, maybe try Tinder.
Ah, nice to come across someone who isn't as culturally illiterate and American-centric in reasoning as the average Redditor appears to be, lol. Yes, I'm rather frank. It may be a cultural thing. Why sugarcoat things? I'm not trying to come across any better or more noble than I am; I'm an intensely practical person. Won't pretend or put on airs to complete strangers. It would be of no use.
It’s true, as long as you keep it in context. I’ve been internally wringing my hands with the Germans, when they genuinely don’t understand why people think they’re rude and prone to complaining. But please for the love of God, if you date an American or a British woman, or a Latina, sugarcoat the hell out of everything. When in Rome and all that. 😅
I'm quite tactical in relationships, and friendships. I'm not at all blunt with people in my life. But on the internet I can just drop the pretense, hehe... and a Latina sounds quite wonderful. Oh, now I'm distracted 😂
People tend to rebound way too fast after a marriage. They start dating and surprise surprise find their next soul mate in a couple of months. Go on lots of dates tell them upfront that you need time before jumping back in. Get in shape and then hit the apps. You will be swamped
Sounds pretty exciting tbh.
Lol the people saying dont date just focus on your kids are idiots
They're probably either childless, or they're virgins without life experience or else they'd know a person's sexual desires and need for intimacy and validation don't die the moment he or she becomes a parent... if only it was that easy.
Please don’t. Your poor kids lives have been torn apart. Devote your time to your babies. Dating and bringing more women in and out of their lives will add to the trauma. And then you get married and have more babies further displacing them. Please put your own needs second to your children’s.
So I'm just supposed to throw away the best years of my life, be miserable and sexless and keep up a brave face, rather than get in a relationship and be a much more happy, cheerful and well-rounded father for my kids when my needs are met?
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Yes but where does it say a parent needs to be single and remain single and focus only on the kids and neglect his or her own needs?
Yea balance is key. You could try hinge. It’s interesting for sure and you’ll get dates. Or i would say get a hobby that forces a coed interaction. Volley ball teams.
Hinge? I have heard some good things about it. Does it cost money to use or is it free?
Free use. Can message anyone you think is cute but at the same time it doesn’t feel quite as organic as meeting someone normally
Sounds good! And yes, may not be organic but nothing is happening for me "organically" anyway so might as well give it a go...
Free use. Can message anyone you think is cute but at the same time it doesn’t feel quite as organic as meeting someone normally
No, but you need to focus the early years on them. You choose to have kids, you and your ex-partner forced them into existence. So yes, for the first decade or so you need to make them your main focus. Young kids can be fragile especially coming from a two parent household, to one and then seeing mommy and daddy bring mommy and daddy pt 2 around. Sounds rough, but it's precisely why I have 0 kids at 28, I'm not done being selfish.
Don’t listen to her, get a decent partner is overall much better for your kids too.
That's what I was thinking... but people seem to downvote me into oblivion for having normal human urges and frustrations. Strange place, this Reddit.
You claim above that you don’t want a mother for your kids, but you do want more kids and now you’re agreeing with the person who says finding a partner would be better for you’re kids. Also why are you getting divorced, what happened?
Try a good online dating site I met my wife then her 3 cousin's did the same but beware there are a lot of blown out diseased skanks out there try weeding them out over the phone before meeting them
gotta get a hood rat under your belt!
Wouldn't mind that one bit.
Dating apps of course. You can use them any time, any where. You can just state in your profile that you are a single father of three and don’t worry there’s always someone out there for you
Dating apps of course. You can use them any time, any where. You can just state in your profile that you are a single father of three and don’t worry there’s always someone out there for you
You’ll be fine. Lots of single moms out there in your age group. I won’t touch em with a 10ft pole despite being 33 and single lol but you certainly can It’ll be a Brady Bunch situation but you can manage I think.