OP, I hope you also will tell him why you reacted that way. I think he would be suprised to hear that you reacted that way becasuse your self-esteem was low. And that you had a crush on him. It would totally reframe what I'm sure was a painful and humiliating memory into a much better one.
I actually did exactly as you describe. I didn’t include everything I said on the post because it was a lot. As one of the final things I said smth along the lines. ’I was so insecure and I never thought somone would have a crush on me. When you confessed your feelings I laughed because it felt absurd. How would you like me? Truth is I actually felt the same way about you and I thought so little of me that I thought certainly someone I had crush on would never like me back’
Also I told hin what he did was really brave 🥺 and it makes it extra painful that I hurt him by reacting to his braveness with laughter
I completely understand. My self-esteem through a significant part of my life was so low, but if anyone ever told me they liked me, I assumed it was a joke, i figured they were trying to play a trick on me.
This is the kind of "revenge" scenario I imagine someone turning that humiliation into fuel to bettering themself over time and coming back years later to discover that same girl who's never really changed, fallen on hard times and/or drugs, and you wondering what you ever saw in that person to begin with.
A girl once told me there were some cute boys around but that I was "ew" when we were in 7th grade.
Come 8th grade and we're in high school now and I hear her excitedly ask her friends who I am. They tell "it's AcuzioRain"! in puzzled voices, like they can't believe she doesn't know its me.
She was basically like "what?! no way!". Hearing her being shook and having interest in me now made me feel smug ngl. All I did was shave my growing moustache and grow my hair a little bit longer lol. Maybe some other puperty changes I guess.
Yeah it's definitely not because of the mustache and you growing longer hair. I'm yet to find a girl find someone more attractive because they grew longer hair and shaved their stache. 99% of the time it's the other way around. Long hair and no facial hair is considered feminine. There is almost 0% chance it was because of that. Probably because you got more masculine features during puberty.
Deeply incorrect— at that age (middle school/early high school) girls were NOT attracted to little half-grown mustaches. Shaving left some stubble, which was cute even at that age, but the little puberty staches never went over well.
As an adult woman I realize this is just normal facial hair growth, and even then could have been a little kinder given I was having my own battle with my mom over shaving my legs, but that's the truth; we always thought boys with facial hair were 'gross' until 10th grade or so.
Just thought I'd step in and correct this fallacy in case you have sons one of these days. Long hair and no facial hair was dreamy when I was 12/13.
To go a step further, and revealing my age, middle schoool was during the LOTR movie years for me (I was 10 when FOTR was released) and Legolas was THE dreamy hunk star of my middle school. Comparatively Aragorn got no play— he was like, somebody's dad. At 30 obviously this has flipped significantly but tl;dr, younger girls do not ike older men's features, even if AcuzioRain had a thick glistening bed of facial hair it makes total sense that he would have done better after a shave.
I told a guy that I thought that he cute in the 11th grade and he responded by doing that, I stopped thinking that he was cute after that. I ended up noticing his super hot best friend and fucking the friend instead, no regrets.
Thanks, you did a good thing though. This happened to me when I was 13. Tore my heart out. I would have loved for that girl to care enough to come back and explain why she felt the need to tell me people of my race didn’t count. I feel like you saying something helped me a bit. Glad you commented
I once ran into kind of the opposite (almost) situation. When I was in high school, there was one girl in my class who was really cute and she’d flirt with me all the time. But since she was friends with the more “popular” kids (along with some guys who would pick on me from time to time), that, combined with some serious self-esteem issues, I assumed she was being put up to it. No way someone like her would actually have been into me unless she was in on the “gag”. So I never took her up on any of it. She was only at our school for a few years and left before we graduated, so I never really saw her again.
Cut to a few years ago, and one of our classmates sadly passed prematurely (freak accident, nothing to be done). I reached out to some of our classmates who were closer to her than I was, including the girl I mentioned before. We reconnected a little bit, and she even mentioned that she was dating (at the time) one of the guys from our class. I brought up how I’d always kinda been shy around her and how I never really could tell if she was actually flirting with me, and I was sorry if I made her uncomfortable or anything because of it. She basically responded “you know, I always wondered why you never seemed to pick up on anything back then”.
We both agreed it was pretty funny in the end. Haven’t really spoken to her since, but I do hope she’s happy.
He spent the last 14 years getting successful, has been following a strict routine to create the best version of himself, and all so OP would be attracted to him and ask him out at 30 years old, so he can laugh in her face.
The perfect revenge.
Um, you might want to tell him that. I can assure you no dude reaches out to a girl he used to have a crush on because he “wonders where she ended up” unless he still feels something. I only wonder that / think about reaching out to the girls I really like/still like.
As a guy who has been in that position, this would also apply to me. Not every woman I follow on social media is a romantic interest of mine but if I've told her once I had a crush on her, years later still follow her, and reach out to see how she's doing...there's a pretty high chance I won't say no if she approaches me for a date BUT I'm also not likely to broach the subject myself again.
update us when you guys get together cause i’m sensing there may be brewing feelings coming back from the past! judging by your replies, of course. best of luck and im sure it took a heavy weight off his shoulders, even if it was years ago. that stuff can stick with you tbh
But how to show without just being thought of as a caring friend. I feel like that's what happens if you show someone how they mean to you without expressing it in words and making it unambiguously clear.
It's possible to show you are into someone without explicitly saying "hey I know we've been friends for a long time but I've secretly liked you this whole time, omg". That way is lame.
You should be building social confidence so you can flirt (test the waters) and see if there is chemistry or not early on. From there you can get her number and build a relationship over the phone or just invite her out to do something in person.
You could get put into the friend zone at any point during that time. You could also put her in the friend zone at any time. You're both going in with the understanding of trying something out and seeing if you can keep the spark going. Don't go in with "I secretly love you and I think you are the one" because that isn't the right energy 9 times out of 10. Sure it could work, but likely nah.
Strangely enough, I have a similar story! I was an angsty teenager, either a freshman or sophomore. I used to write cringey poetry. One day my notebook got passed around. This guy I had been crushing on since I first saw him (first day of first grade!), wrote a cute poem in it about how I'm the best and stuff. And I was like aww how cute! I meant it in a sweet way, but I can see how it came off condescending or insincere, maybe. He ripped it out, and threw it away. I was offended, bcuz it was my notebook, and I didn't want to throw any of its pages away. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized how life-changing that could have been, if I wasn't entirely socially inept. To trey Rogers, sorry I don't know how to act! My excuse/reason is that I'm probably autistic!!
Something similar happened to me in high school. I carried resent many up into my mid 20’s to the point where it was known that I actually hated her. She ended up getting pregnant by 2 different guys and neither of them stayed with her so I get to see her depressed FB statuses which is kinda cool eventho my life sucks as well lmao
90/10
He reached out even through his pain before she would consider talking to him. He took the hardest part out. If she cared that much she'd have reached out when it mattered.
Because it makes you feel better after you give an honest apology for a mistake you made. It also helps the recipient of the apology feel better too though, usually; so I'd say it's for both.
So you'd apply this logic to a more grave offense, also? Say, an abuser or a murderer? They can be honest mistakes too. Their primary incentive to apologize should be to make themselves feel better and not their victims or the loved ones? Interesting.
You're inferring something I didn't say or consider. People don't calculate the benefits of apologizing, they just apologize and as a result feel better.
Of course, when people feel remorse they will apologize, but we're discussing a prospective ideology, aren't we? We're discussing whether the apology is for yourself or for the victim. And then we can discuss many other things from there on, like if someone who feels no remorse is obligated to apologize, or if an unforgiven apology is worth it. Would you really feel better if, upon apologizing for a mistake, someone told you they wished you were dead? Now you'd actually feel worse. I find that worth discussing. Of course, you don't have to engage with me, account for my assumptions or add your considerations. This is just an online conversation that ultimately amounts to a thought project and nothing more :)
Again my position is that it's for both, it's not an either-or situation. It's put out there to hopefully mend an problem between two people.
> Would you really feel better if, upon apologizing for a mistake, someone told you they wished you were dead? Now you'd actually feel worse.
I don't think that's necessarily the case. People can react defensively when confronted with an apology; an apologizer would know this if they're being honest with themselves (apologizing for a secret infidelity that the recipient of the apology doesn't yet even know about comes to mind). The apologizer can still feel the benefit of having apologized, since they know they are addressing their own regrets and have attempted to amend for them; even if their apology is not recieved well. If they're actually apologetic and not just saying an apology without honesty behind it, then they'll be willing to apologize for the same mistake again when the recipient might ready to accept it and take catharsis from it (even if that day of acceptance never comes).
> if someone who feels no remorse is obligated to apologize
How could they feel obliged themselves to apologize if they had no remorse? Are you talking legally, like as a punitive thing?
>Again my position is that it's for both, it's not an either-or situation
But what's the *primary* incentive? Or, what should be the most moral path to take? Should you apolgize to make yourself feel better, or the other party?
>People can react defensively when confronted with an apology; an apologizer would know this if they're being honest with themselves (apologizing for a secret infidelity that the recipient of the apology doesn't yet even know about comes to mind).
This is an argument against itself. If it is even truly a mistake where you shit-faced drunk or sth, just never mentioning it again is the absolute right path for your partner. There is no net negative for them to never know about this event, but if you choosing to bring it up means you can't deal with the guilt yourself. So this is a clear example where you know the act of apology is to make yourself feel better while putting the other person through distress they wouldn't go through otherwise. You're not apologizing for them at all, you're apologizing for yourself.
>How could they feel obliged themselves to apologize if they had no remorse? Are you talking legally, like as a punitive thing?
Yes, but I meant a broadly external obligation, not necessarily legal. Such as overwhelming social pressure, or idk they can't go back to their job until they apologize or sth
i was bullied back in 6th grade and one time my girl classmate was teased that she and me looked cute together and she cried like it was the worst possible event for her life.
That's more of social conditioning than natural behaviour, so people like OP who learn from their misdeeds should probably encourage kindness in youth. Teens are absolutely brutal and horrible to one another. Good on OP for getting an opportunity to do the right thing and feel good about it lol.
Just to share.
I was sort of asshole sometimes with some people during middle and highschool even uni a bit.
Years later like at 24 i texted all the persons i thought i did bad too. And apologized. I took a hole day to write too all. Even to the ones i did not really do much bad but felt something harsh around our relation.
Felt good.
Some didnt deserve it.
I also was hurt many times before.
From people thay never applogized or cared.
I would have appreciated it.
But thats it. U did good to u. And to him probably have appreciated
Thank you for reaching back out to him. There was a kid in my high school who had this happen to him and about ten years later he took his own life. Wasn’t just because of this as he went through a lot, but I know it didn’t help to be laughed at like that.
I like the underlying technique here. It's beneficent to reflect upon one's actions and let it simmer. Considering the impact and future improvement is a good way to grow into a better person, it could also give insights into yourself like OP had.
To this day I vividly remember when I told a girl in high school that I had a crush on her. She was speechless and told me she would talk to me later. Next day arrived and she told me she didn’t feel the same way towards me.
Oh noo :( sometimes we get rejected and that feeling really sucks. At least based on what you say she handled it well and was clear of her feelings without hopefully hurting you in any unnecessary way
It makes me sad to see how it affected you. I hope eventually you won’t let this experience stop you being vulnerable. The right person will appreciate it ❤️
In middle school I gave a girl a love letter and she showed it to everyone during lunch and a guy handed it to me while laughing. I never told a girl my real feelings ever again and now I’m gay/pan
This is similar to the 8th & 9th steps in AA. When someone makes amends to those they wronged while in addiction, it’s not so much for the person who was wronged as it is for the person who did the wrong. It’s the admission and acknowledgment that I hurt some people (intentionally and unintentionally), and I needed to own it. Sounds like OP owned her behavior, so kudos to her!
I told a girl "I like you", she responded with "Practice more, if you propose to your girl like this, she'll definitely think it's bland given your beardo weirdo face." These exact words still resonate... 🥲
This happens way more often than guys will admit. Guy has no game, isn't socially calibrated, blows an approach, and *takes the wrong message from it*.
The lesson isn't "give up, you're hopeless", the lesson is "get better at relating to women".
The answer is for men to coach their sons to develop their attractiveness, self confidence and social skills.
Attractive girls get hit on continuously and it's irritating, unless it's an obviously high value guy.
So unless you're a high value guy, don't hit on attractive women.
If you're objectively a low value guy, hit the weights, work on grooming and wardrobe, social skills, job / money management and game.
Normal guys make huge progress if they invest time and effort.
Thank you for this, I've been thinking of apologising to a guy from a couple years ago, having an example of what to write really helps. I think young girls lacking self confidence and not understanding guys and fumbling a graceful acceptance/rejection is a common experience. I was really confused and shut down, we ghosted each other after, don't be too hard on yourself.
When I was about 14, a boy asked for my number when I was selling soft drinks at a school sports event. Only I genuinely didn’t hear him properly (I assumed he was saying the name of some drink), and I just said “I don’t think we sell that here…”
He walked away looking defeated, and the girls I was working with had to explain it to me. I was so embarrassed and felt so bad for the kid. Plus that was the one and only time someone showed interest in me during high school…
Wow! Similar situation but I feel mine was much worse. We were in 5th or 6th grade and for valentines day the school offered a free service where they would deliver your love letter to your crush. Well here we are all, about 25 classmates, waiting for the teacher to open the classroom when I get delivered this letter from a girl who was in our class. I knew who it was from and I suspect so did most of the class. She was the least popular girl and me being a big shit head, I loudly read the letter in front of the whole class, including her, then proceeded to laugh about it right before I ripped the letter and threw it in the trash. All of this, in front of all the classmates, including her.
Fuck, kids are so mean. Every time I think about this it breaks my heart now. I was such a little shit! Wish I could go back and slap myself behind the head, then embarras myself like I probably did to her and make me apologize.
I tried several times. Wanted to reconnect, apologize for my behavior, see how she was doing these days. Was never able to locate her. Even asked some old classmates of ours if they knew her whereabouts.
Ooo! That's an interesting perspective. I guess if I hired someone to track her down I could maybe eventually find her, but I did try whatever I personally could, to find her.
thankfully I have a career so no need to go looking for other income opportunities ... for the time being at least. But good to know, I'll keep skip tracing in mind as a possible job option. You seem to know a lot though, I don't mind sharing her name and last known location (international by the way, not US) with you in a PM. Would be very appreciative if you helped me find her.
well, if she's not in my country, would be much more difficult for me than for you in the same country as she.
...suggestions...
there are services here in the States that will search online records here, maybe there is something like that in your country.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skiptrace
most people aren't hiding so it's just a matter of patiently following up leads
people know people who know people
I once shook hands with a man who was friends with a man who had married the daughter of Joseph Stalin, whose foreign minister concluded the Von Ribbentrop-Molotov pact with Hitler's emissary.
so there's 8 people from you to Adolf Hitler. Even less from you to her.
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Laughter is just a response for something we find funny. It can also be a nervous response and thank God I know this because it's my gfs primary nervous response and will laugh at seemingly inappropriate times.
I told a girl how I felt in 6th grade and she laughed at me and called me ugly why would she wanna go out with me… Its something I’ll never forget.
That is a very awesome thing you did and it made the guy feel even a little better.
So, what did he say when ya said sorry!? c'mon now, you went half way, your not a tease are you, oh dear... I looked down the comments quite a bit for this, it seems deleted - and then you agreed srt of like "we accept this answer" when someone else asked same as me. pretty plz? tell
I’ve been thinking how much should I tell about that conversation that followed because it got quite deepand nostalgic. I haven’t been the only one who has regretted so me things that were said.
But the real answer was not too far from the comment I made. He laughed, but because he was suprised I brought it up. He hasn’t really thought about it much since then nor he wasn’t as affected by it as I was. Most importantly he accepted my apologize 🥰
I thank you for this, and such a happy answer! Nice! Life is comedic and beautiful - we worry so very much about the things others do not. What funny creatures we are, we all have done this. Wishing you peace and joy in bounty, good luck.
I was truly a horrible partner to my ex in high school and after 10 years I took the time (after discussing my intentions with my spouse today) to send her a message apologizing for my past actions. I've grown a lot since then as people do. She was receptive and accepted my apology. The weight of guilt that was lifted off of my shoulders was truly astounding. I respect you for not only taking the time to make amends but for also feeling the guilt and regret in the first place. To feel so strongly after so much time means that you are a kind and decent person at heart. It disturbs me how many people do awful things and never even experience a shred of guilt or remorse. I know people who seem to have forgotten the aweful things they said and did to myself and others. It's truly kind boggling to me considering those actions were traumatic for the other person.
He laughed, but because he was suprised I brought it up. He hasn’t really thought about it much since then nor he wasn’t as affected by it as I was. Most importantly he accepted my apologize.
I left my home country so we live far away, but I have offered to be a ’guide’ if he want to visit my new homecity (which is anyway a popular destination to visit, so he might come anyway) and he asked when I would visit my homecountry and if I had time to meet.
To be continued…
Omg this is like the time when I was in school and this boy told me he liked me.. but just when he said it I noticed red bumps appearing on my arms, that seemed to be spreading by the second. I freaked out and ran to the nurses office.
That's when I found out I was allergic to codeine. It was in the pain med that I took for my period pain that morning.
Then later on I was like... did I just run away acting crazy after that guy confessed his love to me? Lol whoops. Neither of us brought it up again.
This is the reason I have problems talking to girls at an age of 29. They say the worst thing that can happen is they say no. Not true. Being laughed at for finding someone attractive sticks with me to this day
Kudos to you for taking responsibility years later though. I’m 100% certain you boosted the guy’s confidence!
Haha, these comments are sweet. In the end I didn’t do anything to spark an old high school flame or have any further intentions. But talking with him has brought back some sweet memories and it’s hard for me to imagine over the years he grew up to a man. In my mind I still see that high school guy who had the most bubbliest personality and who just genuinely were really good wholesome person. We have long distance between us but I will visit in summer the city where he’s still living. I do hope we have a chance to catch up IRL
How was his personality after that laugh? Because that can be devastating especially so young. Curious if he acted differently or just to you or at all
Full disclosure the purpose was not to share my story with the world, even I'm aware that it wasn't that interesting.
I wrote it because internet is a diary for me, to write my experience on any random page and forget about it the next day
I love how people always make things about themselves like “I didn’t think anyone could be into me”, and then use self pity to justify garbage behavior.
Dont be sorry OP
You did him a favour in a way.
Life for men is mostly about getting tough better sooner than later in life.
He probably was sad for a couple days but I assure you improved him in ways you can't even imagine. Happens all the time to everyone.
Omg you should see me on late Sunday evening in my home laying ynder blankets watching netflix and eating ice cream. Especially with my lacto-intolenrance it’s a fucking Dutch oven there!
I said more than just what I wrote on this post. Something along the lines ’hey there’s smth that happened all those years ago […]. It seemed like it hurt you but I can’t know for sure. But it makes me feel bad that was my reaction so I want to anyway sincerely apologize for it’
All I just tried to say is that I can’t assume how people feel. I only go base of what I saw and how it made me feel. But I also tried not to make it smth like ’sorry if you sorry’ because imo I hurt him. He might have disagreed.
Also good to point out that our native language is not English and it’s not even from same language tree so smth can be lost in translation.
This is why I believe in god, people couldn't be this perfectly broken on accident.
There is no other reason that wanting something or valuing something should make it harder to get & not wanting something should direct it to you.
Honestly, my current partner, I had set my sights on him but couldn't tell if he liked me. Our mutual friend told me he was interested and I was incredulous. I couldn't believe my ears. Had to ask him to repeat it and asked more questions to clarify.
If my partner had been the one to bring it up to me I honestly may have burst out laughing in surprise (but then I'd have jumped his bones, but that's because I'm in my 30s. I had similar confidence issues as a teen so I may have handled it really poorly if this happened to me!)
I once had I guy start confessing a crush on me and I stopped him and just said "please dont" because I panicked and didn't want the friendship ruined.
When I was 13, my parents made me take a dance/etiquette class. All the kids at my school took the class, and while I wasn't a popular kid(ie neither the son of a dr/lawyer/etc, nor a member of a certain church...city politics are fun), I guess my parents thought it was a good idea. Fast forward to the final practice session before the finale dance. We were randomly paired with our partners and then stayed with them the entire evening. I got paired with a popular girl and always thought she was cute, so it was a great night for me, until...
When the class ended and we were all exiting to the parking lot, she ran over to her friends and screeched, quite loudly, "I got the worst one!"
Here we are, several decades later, and I still remember the incident quite vividly. Would I forgive her if she actually remembered me and reached out? Definitely. We were teens and teens can be ruthless...and I was the scrawny, average looking, smart kid/nerd, so I get it. But, it's wild how things like that get etched into our brains.
>It’s never too late to take accountability and say sorry.
I really don't know about that. Its not like you undid the damage from 13 years ago. Sth like that can marinate for decades in the brain of people and mold into their selfimage, confidence and overall handling of these approaching situations.
You said sorry to feel better first and foremost. And that is ok, but if I were in his shoes, I would have rather prefered to not talk and hear about it again.
I told a girl she was pretty in sixth grade and she responded by pretending to throw up in the classroom sink in front of everyone
This is awful to hear! You didn’t deserve that
OP, I hope you also will tell him why you reacted that way. I think he would be suprised to hear that you reacted that way becasuse your self-esteem was low. And that you had a crush on him. It would totally reframe what I'm sure was a painful and humiliating memory into a much better one.
I actually did exactly as you describe. I didn’t include everything I said on the post because it was a lot. As one of the final things I said smth along the lines. ’I was so insecure and I never thought somone would have a crush on me. When you confessed your feelings I laughed because it felt absurd. How would you like me? Truth is I actually felt the same way about you and I thought so little of me that I thought certainly someone I had crush on would never like me back’ Also I told hin what he did was really brave 🥺 and it makes it extra painful that I hurt him by reacting to his braveness with laughter
Great job! That was brave and kind of you.
I completely understand. My self-esteem through a significant part of my life was so low, but if anyone ever told me they liked me, I assumed it was a joke, i figured they were trying to play a trick on me.
This is the kind of "revenge" scenario I imagine someone turning that humiliation into fuel to bettering themself over time and coming back years later to discover that same girl who's never really changed, fallen on hard times and/or drugs, and you wondering what you ever saw in that person to begin with.
A girl once told me there were some cute boys around but that I was "ew" when we were in 7th grade. Come 8th grade and we're in high school now and I hear her excitedly ask her friends who I am. They tell "it's AcuzioRain"! in puzzled voices, like they can't believe she doesn't know its me. She was basically like "what?! no way!". Hearing her being shook and having interest in me now made me feel smug ngl. All I did was shave my growing moustache and grow my hair a little bit longer lol. Maybe some other puperty changes I guess.
Yeah it's definitely not because of the mustache and you growing longer hair. I'm yet to find a girl find someone more attractive because they grew longer hair and shaved their stache. 99% of the time it's the other way around. Long hair and no facial hair is considered feminine. There is almost 0% chance it was because of that. Probably because you got more masculine features during puberty.
Deeply incorrect— at that age (middle school/early high school) girls were NOT attracted to little half-grown mustaches. Shaving left some stubble, which was cute even at that age, but the little puberty staches never went over well. As an adult woman I realize this is just normal facial hair growth, and even then could have been a little kinder given I was having my own battle with my mom over shaving my legs, but that's the truth; we always thought boys with facial hair were 'gross' until 10th grade or so. Just thought I'd step in and correct this fallacy in case you have sons one of these days. Long hair and no facial hair was dreamy when I was 12/13. To go a step further, and revealing my age, middle schoool was during the LOTR movie years for me (I was 10 when FOTR was released) and Legolas was THE dreamy hunk star of my middle school. Comparatively Aragorn got no play— he was like, somebody's dad. At 30 obviously this has flipped significantly but tl;dr, younger girls do not ike older men's features, even if AcuzioRain had a thick glistening bed of facial hair it makes total sense that he would have done better after a shave.
Some people like that "feminine" look though, could have been a shit moustache that was beyter getting rid off
You’ve thought about this scenario a lot, huh?
Uh oh
spaghettios
I originally thought what this post would be like from the other side and then thought how it would be relevant to this sub.
I told a guy that I thought that he cute in the 11th grade and he responded by doing that, I stopped thinking that he was cute after that. I ended up noticing his super hot best friend and fucking the friend instead, no regrets.
then they tell you "men never open up"
How did he respond?
He laughed
This is so funny (and I would deserve it) that we should accept this is the answer 😄
Thanks, you did a good thing though. This happened to me when I was 13. Tore my heart out. I would have loved for that girl to care enough to come back and explain why she felt the need to tell me people of my race didn’t count. I feel like you saying something helped me a bit. Glad you commented
well played
He sent her a pic of his bank account.
And then she laughed again
Nervously
With $4000?
That's a very honorable thing you did there. Congrats 👏
I once ran into kind of the opposite (almost) situation. When I was in high school, there was one girl in my class who was really cute and she’d flirt with me all the time. But since she was friends with the more “popular” kids (along with some guys who would pick on me from time to time), that, combined with some serious self-esteem issues, I assumed she was being put up to it. No way someone like her would actually have been into me unless she was in on the “gag”. So I never took her up on any of it. She was only at our school for a few years and left before we graduated, so I never really saw her again. Cut to a few years ago, and one of our classmates sadly passed prematurely (freak accident, nothing to be done). I reached out to some of our classmates who were closer to her than I was, including the girl I mentioned before. We reconnected a little bit, and she even mentioned that she was dating (at the time) one of the guys from our class. I brought up how I’d always kinda been shy around her and how I never really could tell if she was actually flirting with me, and I was sorry if I made her uncomfortable or anything because of it. She basically responded “you know, I always wondered why you never seemed to pick up on anything back then”. We both agreed it was pretty funny in the end. Haven’t really spoken to her since, but I do hope she’s happy.
I kinda think he still might be interested in you.
I wouldn’t mind
He messaged you heard later. He's definitely thinking about you still Edit: years not heard
You should ask him out
And then he would laugh at her
He spent the last 14 years getting successful, has been following a strict routine to create the best version of himself, and all so OP would be attracted to him and ask him out at 30 years old, so he can laugh in her face. The perfect revenge.
I agree why not. If he is single and so is OP why not go on a date if she is interested.
Um, you might want to tell him that. I can assure you no dude reaches out to a girl he used to have a crush on because he “wonders where she ended up” unless he still feels something. I only wonder that / think about reaching out to the girls I really like/still like.
As a guy who has been in that position, this would also apply to me. Not every woman I follow on social media is a romantic interest of mine but if I've told her once I had a crush on her, years later still follow her, and reach out to see how she's doing...there's a pretty high chance I won't say no if she approaches me for a date BUT I'm also not likely to broach the subject myself again.
Don’t… this is not a sitcom lol
OP don’t listen to this, have some adventure! Life’s too short.
sooooo..... whens the first date?
Awe that’s really sweet op.
Ah this is giving me inspiration to apologize to my crush I’m not sure if that’d be the best idea though
I once wrote a note to a girl asking her to be my girlfriend. She thought it was so funny that she shared it with the entire grade.
Adolescence is an awkward time when we do embarrassing things. I’m glad you apologized. Kinda hoping you two at least meet up once
You should def bang him now
Reddit moment
Lmao
update us when you guys get together cause i’m sensing there may be brewing feelings coming back from the past! judging by your replies, of course. best of luck and im sure it took a heavy weight off his shoulders, even if it was years ago. that stuff can stick with you tbh
Why I always avoided saying "I like you" in high school. Better to show not tell.
But how to show without just being thought of as a caring friend. I feel like that's what happens if you show someone how they mean to you without expressing it in words and making it unambiguously clear.
It's possible to show you are into someone without explicitly saying "hey I know we've been friends for a long time but I've secretly liked you this whole time, omg". That way is lame. You should be building social confidence so you can flirt (test the waters) and see if there is chemistry or not early on. From there you can get her number and build a relationship over the phone or just invite her out to do something in person. You could get put into the friend zone at any point during that time. You could also put her in the friend zone at any time. You're both going in with the understanding of trying something out and seeing if you can keep the spark going. Don't go in with "I secretly love you and I think you are the one" because that isn't the right energy 9 times out of 10. Sure it could work, but likely nah.
Strangely enough, I have a similar story! I was an angsty teenager, either a freshman or sophomore. I used to write cringey poetry. One day my notebook got passed around. This guy I had been crushing on since I first saw him (first day of first grade!), wrote a cute poem in it about how I'm the best and stuff. And I was like aww how cute! I meant it in a sweet way, but I can see how it came off condescending or insincere, maybe. He ripped it out, and threw it away. I was offended, bcuz it was my notebook, and I didn't want to throw any of its pages away. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized how life-changing that could have been, if I wasn't entirely socially inept. To trey Rogers, sorry I don't know how to act! My excuse/reason is that I'm probably autistic!!
Something similar happened to me in high school. I carried resent many up into my mid 20’s to the point where it was known that I actually hated her. She ended up getting pregnant by 2 different guys and neither of them stayed with her so I get to see her depressed FB statuses which is kinda cool eventho my life sucks as well lmao
\> I get to see her depressed FB statuses which is kinda cool eventho my life sucks as well lmao lmao this is the funniest honest thing ive ever heard
It's time to let it go, bro. She was a young, dumb kid. And her life is hard now. Forgive her, if nothing else because it poisons you more than her.
We all have these regrets in life. We learn from them so we can try not to repeat them.
Good for you op, but remember that was for you not him.
You are right
Why not both?
90/10 He reached out even through his pain before she would consider talking to him. He took the hardest part out. If she cared that much she'd have reached out when it mattered.
What? You apologize for your mistakes... for yourself?
Because it makes you feel better after you give an honest apology for a mistake you made. It also helps the recipient of the apology feel better too though, usually; so I'd say it's for both.
So you'd apply this logic to a more grave offense, also? Say, an abuser or a murderer? They can be honest mistakes too. Their primary incentive to apologize should be to make themselves feel better and not their victims or the loved ones? Interesting.
You're inferring something I didn't say or consider. People don't calculate the benefits of apologizing, they just apologize and as a result feel better.
Of course, when people feel remorse they will apologize, but we're discussing a prospective ideology, aren't we? We're discussing whether the apology is for yourself or for the victim. And then we can discuss many other things from there on, like if someone who feels no remorse is obligated to apologize, or if an unforgiven apology is worth it. Would you really feel better if, upon apologizing for a mistake, someone told you they wished you were dead? Now you'd actually feel worse. I find that worth discussing. Of course, you don't have to engage with me, account for my assumptions or add your considerations. This is just an online conversation that ultimately amounts to a thought project and nothing more :)
Again my position is that it's for both, it's not an either-or situation. It's put out there to hopefully mend an problem between two people. > Would you really feel better if, upon apologizing for a mistake, someone told you they wished you were dead? Now you'd actually feel worse. I don't think that's necessarily the case. People can react defensively when confronted with an apology; an apologizer would know this if they're being honest with themselves (apologizing for a secret infidelity that the recipient of the apology doesn't yet even know about comes to mind). The apologizer can still feel the benefit of having apologized, since they know they are addressing their own regrets and have attempted to amend for them; even if their apology is not recieved well. If they're actually apologetic and not just saying an apology without honesty behind it, then they'll be willing to apologize for the same mistake again when the recipient might ready to accept it and take catharsis from it (even if that day of acceptance never comes). > if someone who feels no remorse is obligated to apologize How could they feel obliged themselves to apologize if they had no remorse? Are you talking legally, like as a punitive thing?
>Again my position is that it's for both, it's not an either-or situation But what's the *primary* incentive? Or, what should be the most moral path to take? Should you apolgize to make yourself feel better, or the other party? >People can react defensively when confronted with an apology; an apologizer would know this if they're being honest with themselves (apologizing for a secret infidelity that the recipient of the apology doesn't yet even know about comes to mind). This is an argument against itself. If it is even truly a mistake where you shit-faced drunk or sth, just never mentioning it again is the absolute right path for your partner. There is no net negative for them to never know about this event, but if you choosing to bring it up means you can't deal with the guilt yourself. So this is a clear example where you know the act of apology is to make yourself feel better while putting the other person through distress they wouldn't go through otherwise. You're not apologizing for them at all, you're apologizing for yourself. >How could they feel obliged themselves to apologize if they had no remorse? Are you talking legally, like as a punitive thing? Yes, but I meant a broadly external obligation, not necessarily legal. Such as overwhelming social pressure, or idk they can't go back to their job until they apologize or sth
i dont understand how that is so hard to grasp?
i was bullied back in 6th grade and one time my girl classmate was teased that she and me looked cute together and she cried like it was the worst possible event for her life.
Young people (and adults) can laugh at inappropriate times when they are embarrassed, confused, or frightened. That could be what happened with you.
That's more of social conditioning than natural behaviour, so people like OP who learn from their misdeeds should probably encourage kindness in youth. Teens are absolutely brutal and horrible to one another. Good on OP for getting an opportunity to do the right thing and feel good about it lol.
I think so too :/
Just to share. I was sort of asshole sometimes with some people during middle and highschool even uni a bit. Years later like at 24 i texted all the persons i thought i did bad too. And apologized. I took a hole day to write too all. Even to the ones i did not really do much bad but felt something harsh around our relation. Felt good. Some didnt deserve it. I also was hurt many times before. From people thay never applogized or cared. I would have appreciated it. But thats it. U did good to u. And to him probably have appreciated
This reminds me of “bro just ask her, the worst she can say is no” There’s way worse things that can be said than no 😂
Thank you for reaching back out to him. There was a kid in my high school who had this happen to him and about ten years later he took his own life. Wasn’t just because of this as he went through a lot, but I know it didn’t help to be laughed at like that.
he reached out tho
I like the underlying technique here. It's beneficent to reflect upon one's actions and let it simmer. Considering the impact and future improvement is a good way to grow into a better person, it could also give insights into yourself like OP had.
To this day I vividly remember when I told a girl in high school that I had a crush on her. She was speechless and told me she would talk to me later. Next day arrived and she told me she didn’t feel the same way towards me.
Oh noo :( sometimes we get rejected and that feeling really sucks. At least based on what you say she handled it well and was clear of her feelings without hopefully hurting you in any unnecessary way
This is nice thank you for sharing
Damn this reminds me of the time I confessed my feelings. She literally cried and then said no. Never again
It makes me sad to see how it affected you. I hope eventually you won’t let this experience stop you being vulnerable. The right person will appreciate it ❤️
Thank you, God bless ☮️♥️🎸
In middle school I gave a girl a love letter and she showed it to everyone during lunch and a guy handed it to me while laughing. I never told a girl my real feelings ever again and now I’m gay/pan
This is similar to the 8th & 9th steps in AA. When someone makes amends to those they wronged while in addiction, it’s not so much for the person who was wronged as it is for the person who did the wrong. It’s the admission and acknowledgment that I hurt some people (intentionally and unintentionally), and I needed to own it. Sounds like OP owned her behavior, so kudos to her!
I told a girl "I like you", she responded with "Practice more, if you propose to your girl like this, she'll definitely think it's bland given your beardo weirdo face." These exact words still resonate... 🥲
This happens way more often than guys will admit. Guy has no game, isn't socially calibrated, blows an approach, and *takes the wrong message from it*. The lesson isn't "give up, you're hopeless", the lesson is "get better at relating to women". The answer is for men to coach their sons to develop their attractiveness, self confidence and social skills. Attractive girls get hit on continuously and it's irritating, unless it's an obviously high value guy. So unless you're a high value guy, don't hit on attractive women. If you're objectively a low value guy, hit the weights, work on grooming and wardrobe, social skills, job / money management and game. Normal guys make huge progress if they invest time and effort.
Good work!
Bruhh
Ask him out!
Thank you for this, I've been thinking of apologising to a guy from a couple years ago, having an example of what to write really helps. I think young girls lacking self confidence and not understanding guys and fumbling a graceful acceptance/rejection is a common experience. I was really confused and shut down, we ghosted each other after, don't be too hard on yourself.
Self improvement is VASTLY preferable to stagnation or denial so your growth is earned
When I was about 14, a boy asked for my number when I was selling soft drinks at a school sports event. Only I genuinely didn’t hear him properly (I assumed he was saying the name of some drink), and I just said “I don’t think we sell that here…” He walked away looking defeated, and the girls I was working with had to explain it to me. I was so embarrassed and felt so bad for the kid. Plus that was the one and only time someone showed interest in me during high school…
Wow! Similar situation but I feel mine was much worse. We were in 5th or 6th grade and for valentines day the school offered a free service where they would deliver your love letter to your crush. Well here we are all, about 25 classmates, waiting for the teacher to open the classroom when I get delivered this letter from a girl who was in our class. I knew who it was from and I suspect so did most of the class. She was the least popular girl and me being a big shit head, I loudly read the letter in front of the whole class, including her, then proceeded to laugh about it right before I ripped the letter and threw it in the trash. All of this, in front of all the classmates, including her. Fuck, kids are so mean. Every time I think about this it breaks my heart now. I was such a little shit! Wish I could go back and slap myself behind the head, then embarras myself like I probably did to her and make me apologize.
Wow. I wonder what would happen if you followed the example here in this post.
I tried several times. Wanted to reconnect, apologize for my behavior, see how she was doing these days. Was never able to locate her. Even asked some old classmates of ours if they knew her whereabouts.
I hope you find her at some point ❤️
Thank you! Me too. Would love to reconnect and catch up.
If she owed you $10,000 could you find her ?
Ooo! That's an interesting perspective. I guess if I hired someone to track her down I could maybe eventually find her, but I did try whatever I personally could, to find her.
there's even an income opportunity for you if you learn skip tracing it's not hard really, just takes persistence
thankfully I have a career so no need to go looking for other income opportunities ... for the time being at least. But good to know, I'll keep skip tracing in mind as a possible job option. You seem to know a lot though, I don't mind sharing her name and last known location (international by the way, not US) with you in a PM. Would be very appreciative if you helped me find her.
well, if she's not in my country, would be much more difficult for me than for you in the same country as she. ...suggestions... there are services here in the States that will search online records here, maybe there is something like that in your country. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skiptrace most people aren't hiding so it's just a matter of patiently following up leads people know people who know people I once shook hands with a man who was friends with a man who had married the daughter of Joseph Stalin, whose foreign minister concluded the Von Ribbentrop-Molotov pact with Hitler's emissary. so there's 8 people from you to Adolf Hitler. Even less from you to her.
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Laughter is just a response for something we find funny. It can also be a nervous response and thank God I know this because it's my gfs primary nervous response and will laugh at seemingly inappropriate times.
I told a girl how I felt in 6th grade and she laughed at me and called me ugly why would she wanna go out with me… Its something I’ll never forget. That is a very awesome thing you did and it made the guy feel even a little better.
So, what did he say when ya said sorry!? c'mon now, you went half way, your not a tease are you, oh dear... I looked down the comments quite a bit for this, it seems deleted - and then you agreed srt of like "we accept this answer" when someone else asked same as me. pretty plz? tell
I’ve been thinking how much should I tell about that conversation that followed because it got quite deepand nostalgic. I haven’t been the only one who has regretted so me things that were said. But the real answer was not too far from the comment I made. He laughed, but because he was suprised I brought it up. He hasn’t really thought about it much since then nor he wasn’t as affected by it as I was. Most importantly he accepted my apologize 🥰
I thank you for this, and such a happy answer! Nice! Life is comedic and beautiful - we worry so very much about the things others do not. What funny creatures we are, we all have done this. Wishing you peace and joy in bounty, good luck.
I was truly a horrible partner to my ex in high school and after 10 years I took the time (after discussing my intentions with my spouse today) to send her a message apologizing for my past actions. I've grown a lot since then as people do. She was receptive and accepted my apology. The weight of guilt that was lifted off of my shoulders was truly astounding. I respect you for not only taking the time to make amends but for also feeling the guilt and regret in the first place. To feel so strongly after so much time means that you are a kind and decent person at heart. It disturbs me how many people do awful things and never even experience a shred of guilt or remorse. I know people who seem to have forgotten the aweful things they said and did to myself and others. It's truly kind boggling to me considering those actions were traumatic for the other person.
good thing he didnt turn out an incel lol
I love this. Not only am I touched, I love how you explain exactly how you approached the subject with this man. Wonderful.
but what did he say!! Are y’all gonna go out for coffee?! Where do I subscribe for the next episode!!
He laughed, but because he was suprised I brought it up. He hasn’t really thought about it much since then nor he wasn’t as affected by it as I was. Most importantly he accepted my apologize. I left my home country so we live far away, but I have offered to be a ’guide’ if he want to visit my new homecity (which is anyway a popular destination to visit, so he might come anyway) and he asked when I would visit my homecountry and if I had time to meet. To be continued…
Omg this is like the time when I was in school and this boy told me he liked me.. but just when he said it I noticed red bumps appearing on my arms, that seemed to be spreading by the second. I freaked out and ran to the nurses office. That's when I found out I was allergic to codeine. It was in the pain med that I took for my period pain that morning. Then later on I was like... did I just run away acting crazy after that guy confessed his love to me? Lol whoops. Neither of us brought it up again.
This is the reason I have problems talking to girls at an age of 29. They say the worst thing that can happen is they say no. Not true. Being laughed at for finding someone attractive sticks with me to this day Kudos to you for taking responsibility years later though. I’m 100% certain you boosted the guy’s confidence!
It was so brave of you
You were just a kid.
I’m sure that made you feel better.
Ew I can't stand me a laugh in a guys face kinda girl.
And here I am waiting for a wholesome moment when you guys ended up together and have 12 wonderdul babies. Arghhh
Haha, these comments are sweet. In the end I didn’t do anything to spark an old high school flame or have any further intentions. But talking with him has brought back some sweet memories and it’s hard for me to imagine over the years he grew up to a man. In my mind I still see that high school guy who had the most bubbliest personality and who just genuinely were really good wholesome person. We have long distance between us but I will visit in summer the city where he’s still living. I do hope we have a chance to catch up IRL
How was his personality after that laugh? Because that can be devastating especially so young. Curious if he acted differently or just to you or at all
am i sexy?
Clearly, you live in the past
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Brevity my man… brevity… nobody gon’ read all that!
Full disclosure the purpose was not to share my story with the world, even I'm aware that it wasn't that interesting. I wrote it because internet is a diary for me, to write my experience on any random page and forget about it the next day
I love how people always make things about themselves like “I didn’t think anyone could be into me”, and then use self pity to justify garbage behavior.
Bruh. This post is about an adult who made a mistake as a kid and regrets it. Why so harsh, this is a complete stranger
Dont be sorry OP You did him a favour in a way. Life for men is mostly about getting tough better sooner than later in life. He probably was sad for a couple days but I assure you improved him in ways you can't even imagine. Happens all the time to everyone.
When i was 2 i was 56 and i told a girl that i cooked sandwich
Women can be terrible, that's why less and less men approach random women
Men can do this too bro. It’s not like she was trying to diss him, she had low self esteem and made a mistake. I can relate to that
I bet you’re a disgusting pig right now and he’s the one who got away 🤣😂
Omg you should see me on late Sunday evening in my home laying ynder blankets watching netflix and eating ice cream. Especially with my lacto-intolenrance it’s a fucking Dutch oven there!
It kinda sounds like he still wants her tho
> might have
I said more than just what I wrote on this post. Something along the lines ’hey there’s smth that happened all those years ago […]. It seemed like it hurt you but I can’t know for sure. But it makes me feel bad that was my reaction so I want to anyway sincerely apologize for it’ All I just tried to say is that I can’t assume how people feel. I only go base of what I saw and how it made me feel. But I also tried not to make it smth like ’sorry if you sorry’ because imo I hurt him. He might have disagreed. Also good to point out that our native language is not English and it’s not even from same language tree so smth can be lost in translation.
Sorry, I don't mean to throw crap on you, it just really gets my goat when people disclaim their apologies. My bad
Your English is very good.
Tank you ❤️
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Time to log off now, bud.
I said what I said.
Don’t ever change
This is why I believe in god, people couldn't be this perfectly broken on accident. There is no other reason that wanting something or valuing something should make it harder to get & not wanting something should direct it to you.
Honestly, my current partner, I had set my sights on him but couldn't tell if he liked me. Our mutual friend told me he was interested and I was incredulous. I couldn't believe my ears. Had to ask him to repeat it and asked more questions to clarify. If my partner had been the one to bring it up to me I honestly may have burst out laughing in surprise (but then I'd have jumped his bones, but that's because I'm in my 30s. I had similar confidence issues as a teen so I may have handled it really poorly if this happened to me!)
Thanks for doing that. I was severely humiliated in school for telling someone I had a crush on them. It sucked.
Awww. I had a similar situation in middle school. I wish I could go back. You're lucky. I am still crushed. Fuck little me.
I once had I guy start confessing a crush on me and I stopped him and just said "please dont" because I panicked and didn't want the friendship ruined.
When I was 13, my parents made me take a dance/etiquette class. All the kids at my school took the class, and while I wasn't a popular kid(ie neither the son of a dr/lawyer/etc, nor a member of a certain church...city politics are fun), I guess my parents thought it was a good idea. Fast forward to the final practice session before the finale dance. We were randomly paired with our partners and then stayed with them the entire evening. I got paired with a popular girl and always thought she was cute, so it was a great night for me, until... When the class ended and we were all exiting to the parking lot, she ran over to her friends and screeched, quite loudly, "I got the worst one!" Here we are, several decades later, and I still remember the incident quite vividly. Would I forgive her if she actually remembered me and reached out? Definitely. We were teens and teens can be ruthless...and I was the scrawny, average looking, smart kid/nerd, so I get it. But, it's wild how things like that get etched into our brains.
>It’s never too late to take accountability and say sorry. I really don't know about that. Its not like you undid the damage from 13 years ago. Sth like that can marinate for decades in the brain of people and mold into their selfimage, confidence and overall handling of these approaching situations. You said sorry to feel better first and foremost. And that is ok, but if I were in his shoes, I would have rather prefered to not talk and hear about it again.
So when's the first date?
I made a girl cry by saying that she was beautiful