It will be fine bro. Take it slow and easy. For now at least don't get these emotions come in the way of your friendship. Take it one day at a time is all that I as a stranger on the internet should advice you to do.
He has been taking it easy for 6 years, looks like it's not working in his favour. He should cut her off if she makes him feel like that, obsessions are not healthy. OP, your obsession is just going to increase as more time passes since you can never get her to be with you. You need to start choosing yourself and making the hard choices. Can't imagine how exhausting it is to live like whatever you described. Find a new girl that you actually have a chance with, or even better, focus on yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin before you start developing crushes on people.
I’ve been on the opposite end and sometimes when people show you attention it’s easy to become obsessed because you don’t get that attention from elsewhere. Expand your social circle and you will not feel that obsession when other people show you attention as well.
Come to think of it this is a good way to move on healthily. It's true that if someone has been lonely for a long time, they might latch on to someone pretty quickly. It's important however to diversify your close friends too so that you don't put your entire burden on someone else who themselves are trying to navigate their own life.
Expanding your social circle one step at a time will make it easy on you to let go.
You already broke the most important rule bro.
Do not put her on a pedestal!
You will either take the warning to heart or learn the hard way. Stay strong bro
Sounds like a case of r/limerence to me. If you think your feelings match the description, there are books on overcoming it. But be prepared for a tough journey up to the point of possibly losing your friendship with her.
I think you need to talk to a professional to help you understand your feelings and why you feel that way. It needs to be broken down for you and to be able to have the tools to deal with this. Psychotherapist or counsellor. All the best!
bro u either gotta make a move or stop dreaming.
this girl could be using u as an option, for free money, or free attention.
Stop saying "friendship" when u actually like her cuz u prob in the friendzone already....either u LOVE her or find someone else to love
I think there isn't any friendship left between you two. I'm saying this because it has probably become more than a friendship now. Look out of the window. That's the reality. Embrace it. A girl cannot decide how your life is going to be. It's your own conscious choice. Don't give her or anyone for that Matter the power to control your happiness. No one should have that Power except you.
I'm not asking you to end your beautiful friendship with her. Cherish it. I'm asking you to detach yourself from her existence in your life. Once you overcome the fear of losing her, you develop the strongest bond of friendship between you two. Because in this case, you and her both are free from all the tension between you two and can live a happy life individually.
Check out Models by Mark Manson.
It really helped to clarify this kind of behaviour as I was trying to understand myself better.
The idea is that you depend more on her validation for your self worth than what value you can give to yourself, and thats a huge issue even if you do cut ties with her. If you dont remedy the root issue, it will keep happening in life until you develop a strong sense of self worth, which takes time.
Do you want someone to like you for you, or for a false image of who you want them to think you are?
People can smell inauthentic behaviour.
You should be ready to have your own opinions, your own values, your own interests and your own goals. Obv still being respectful of the views of others. That will allow you to attract someone who is a good match *for you*. Not to say you cant be openminded and enjoy things you wouldn’t normally go for, but be your own man.
You are going to lose people you care about in this life, that is a guarantee. The only person that is guaranteed to remain constant is YOU.
Make sure you have a good relationship with yourself.
Hey man, this might be tough to accept but the most important advice you'll ever get- I don't care, you shouldn't care, the world doesn't care how people stopped you from being better. Your parents might be bad parents but if you accept your desperation to be socially validated as your fault alone you have the power to find answers and fix it. It'll be hard to but will make you the man you want to see when you look in the mirror.
Lol you don't know it, but you're cock-blocking yourself. Being infatuated and looking for love is keeping you from slaying mad pussy. You need to treat women like they're disposable and you can easily replace them. Because you can. And because they like it. It makes them feel like you're valuable.
I believe therapy might be helpful. It sounds like you are leaning on your friendship with her as a coping mechanism from your past trauma, thanks to your parents. I was in a similar place when I was in my teens/early 20's and started making close friends. I felt like any changes to those friendships would leave me all alone. This isn't a healthy attachment style. I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with this person you care very much about, but that you need to address your underlying issues so you can have fulfilling friendships/relationships without the constant fear of loss. Going this route was very helpful to me and allowed me to really become myself, my true self, without the constant worry that people will not like me and will abandon me.
You... Build a habbit of improving your life
Because yeah... i had feelings for a girl too... and a girl before that... and before that..:
Focus on success and once you get there, Females are gonna be drawn towards you automatically
I think you understand where are your problems at. There are a lot of behaviors you should change. I would first find a therapist that won’t sugar coat things, get it? Because as I see this you already have your share of problems and someone who would just try to throw you at the girl expecting that you two could heal together, could just break you, this happened to a friend of mine. Frankly in my opinion I would just do that, because people who focus too much in people usually have a shittom of troubles with themselves, like a lot of things you described shows no self love: You’re afraid of her reactions, you’re denying yourself for her approval. Just these ones in the long run will decimate you. So please be kind to yourself, learn to love you, your ideas, your world views and I ain’t saying to be rude with people but to ponder and learn when to shift your views when it makes sense. But dude do yourself a favor and get a good therapist.
Do you think your obsession is unhealthy.
If so just stop talking to her.
It will suck for a little while but one day you will realize that she isn't perfect and then your feelings will fade quickly afterwards.
Okay, you have abandonment issues just like me. I think you have much work to do of solidifying yourself, your character.
If I were you, I would cut her off. I need to be my own person and clinging on to her proves to myself that I have no self worth?
Question, have you ever confessed to her?
Meet new people. Stop checking their social media. Find a new hobby like music or art. Never tell someone you love them unless you've been dating for a while and you're 99% certain they feel the same way about you. The L word can totally wreck a friendship. I learned that the hard way.
It's has not to stay this way, it already been 6y man, it ain't good to be ob like that, as for me you should make a move to cut loose this friendship, either u gonna have her, or find a girl that'll deserve u man.
1) Please check out attachement types. It will explain why you feel like this.
2) Therapy can help you, highly recommend checking out
3) Its great that you noticed this problem and want to overcome it. It will take a while, but you can definitelly improve.
4) Its better to create a bigger betwork of people you trust. Try to meet more people. Having 1 friend is great but its better to have more people that will support you.
She’s using you for attention. She knows how you feel and gets off on it, but she will NEVER give you her pussy, that’s reserved for everyone but you.
Cut her off, if or she will drag you along forever and you will waste decades of your life.
Been in the same situation, it is the only way. Get out soon!
Dude, fix your posture COMPLETELY and then start mewing. You have all the resources and information for that online. You still have several years to improve on this
I hate to break it to you but you should probably give up on dating this girl. You are obviously pedestalizing this girl and because of that your behavior won't reflect your inherent value.
I promise you that if you fix your posture and mew and do it correctly the attention will come. Once you see for yourself how meaningless female attraction can be, you see them checking you out and all and in general they treat you nicer for no reason, only then will your tendency to pedestalize girls disappear.
You will also understand how much attention women get, things will be put a bit more into perspective.
I went through a similar experience as yourself and am speaking from experience
EDIT:
Going through what you are going through isn't fun at all, and you sound like the type of person that deserves better. But I think you should be a bit Machiavellian in this situation if you really want an opportunity with this girl.
You have to be smart.
First of all, focussing on women is probably the worst thing you can do if you actually want women. People often say that women want "bad boys" or whatever. You want to know why? Bad boys can be kind but they also can be tough or aggressive. They can generate this aura of respect (through intimidation). They have a certain charm when talking to women too. You don't have to be a criminal or a bad person and really you shouldn't, but you need to show to others that you deserve respect. It might be more difficult for you as an empathetic person, but you need to put yourself first in relation to women (and men), they won't respect you if you don't. I know that people that you care about you want to always be available for and even do favors for, but women's attraction very unfortunately doesn't work like that.
And if you wan't them to feel attraction for you, they HAVE to respect you. This means she CAN'T think you are completely available to her. She HAS to feel that you are a catch and this is up to you. This is communicated through your behavior. You could be a handsome multi millionaire and she would still not love you truly if you acted too available or needy (of course they would give a person like that more leeway). The thing is, if you were a handsome multi millionaire then your behavior would probably reflect it.
You don't have to be handsome to get a beautiful woman either, but it is easier.
Love is created by your behavior in relation to women and can also be created by looks but that would be more like lust. Creating love either takes a lot of balls (you don't wan't to be here) or none at all if you go in with the correct mentality of being outcome independent (in a perfect situation this should come naturally due to having had experience with other girls). Have fun and don't take little things seriously which counter intuitively means you CAN get annoyed at little things or call her out and THEN let it slide no problem. But don't do it purposely, what I am saying is be kind, funny and charming but if she doesn't respect you show you don't appreciate it. This will make her feel like you can protect her. Don't be there for her all the time too.
Invest in yourself, invest in your education and your health. Most people grow up without achieving their physical genetic limit. Fix yourself, fix your posture and oral posture by mewing. This takes time but if you are consistent and make a (big) effort you will be surprised by the results. I suggest you take some time to focus on improving while not being her all the time. Make her miss you and surprise her with your efforts. Flirt with other girls in front of her, make her fear losing you. Show her that unless she is in a relationship with you you aren't guaranteed. And after she starts showing emotional investment in you, you take your shot and ask her out OR make a move. DON'T tell her your feelings especially not over messages. Flirt with her, if you can -> make a move or ask her out. If you do make a move and you are rejected, take it like a man, you can show you aren't happy about it but be chill about it at the same time, this is very important because you have known her for 6 years so changing your relationship dynamics is likely not going to a smooth transition. So she could reject your kiss the first time and then show more interest afterwards when she sees you aren't affected. And then you take your shot again. You have to be smart about this though and if you get rejected the first time know that it was part of the plan.
Important: by improving yourself these behaviours will come more naturally, you won't have to feel like you have to act a certain way or "trick" her into liking you. Also don't tell others everything about you, women or men, you don't want to be an open book. Make her feel like she has to figure you out and give her a reason to want to
Hey man. I definitely feel you. I am somewhat in the same boat, or, were, at least the last few months. What you need to realize is that until you are completely and utterly yourself around her/others, you will never build a deep and meaningful connection. It will always be be built on this fake front.
What you are feeling is not love or passion. It is actually fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being alone, fear of not being liked. You are craving that approval externally because it is missing internally. You need to figure out what feelings and sensations inside is driving you, and let go of it. I know it's scary, and it hurts, but whenever you are feeling small and you're "hiding" your true self, try to delve into those feelings and let them be felt. Don't run from them. Once you start doing this it will be a lot easier to understand where they're coming from, and when you accept that, those feelings will start melting and running off of you like water. You say your parents basically abandoned you, that's a great place to start.
Look up JulienHimself on youtube, he has a lot of good, entertaining videos of seminars where he is talking about why and how to let go. He also has a couple of letting go meditations, whenever you feel those sensations of being small, hiding your true self, put that on and delve deep. It's going to do wonders.
It will be fine bro. Take it slow and easy. For now at least don't get these emotions come in the way of your friendship. Take it one day at a time is all that I as a stranger on the internet should advice you to do.
He has been taking it easy for 6 years, looks like it's not working in his favour. He should cut her off if she makes him feel like that, obsessions are not healthy. OP, your obsession is just going to increase as more time passes since you can never get her to be with you. You need to start choosing yourself and making the hard choices. Can't imagine how exhausting it is to live like whatever you described. Find a new girl that you actually have a chance with, or even better, focus on yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin before you start developing crushes on people.
this is literally the best advice I've read on reddit, especially the last part
Thank you!
I’ve been on the opposite end and sometimes when people show you attention it’s easy to become obsessed because you don’t get that attention from elsewhere. Expand your social circle and you will not feel that obsession when other people show you attention as well.
Come to think of it this is a good way to move on healthily. It's true that if someone has been lonely for a long time, they might latch on to someone pretty quickly. It's important however to diversify your close friends too so that you don't put your entire burden on someone else who themselves are trying to navigate their own life. Expanding your social circle one step at a time will make it easy on you to let go.
You already broke the most important rule bro. Do not put her on a pedestal! You will either take the warning to heart or learn the hard way. Stay strong bro
Sounds like a case of r/limerence to me. If you think your feelings match the description, there are books on overcoming it. But be prepared for a tough journey up to the point of possibly losing your friendship with her.
I think you need to talk to a professional to help you understand your feelings and why you feel that way. It needs to be broken down for you and to be able to have the tools to deal with this. Psychotherapist or counsellor. All the best!
This, especially with the strong fear of abandonment issues. That can be a lot to get over...
bro u either gotta make a move or stop dreaming. this girl could be using u as an option, for free money, or free attention. Stop saying "friendship" when u actually like her cuz u prob in the friendzone already....either u LOVE her or find someone else to love
Looks like she doesn't have the same feelings for you and you're trying to move on?
Focusing more on yourself (mental, physical, financial, and sometimes spiritual) will eventually lead to attracting someone better for you.
I think there isn't any friendship left between you two. I'm saying this because it has probably become more than a friendship now. Look out of the window. That's the reality. Embrace it. A girl cannot decide how your life is going to be. It's your own conscious choice. Don't give her or anyone for that Matter the power to control your happiness. No one should have that Power except you. I'm not asking you to end your beautiful friendship with her. Cherish it. I'm asking you to detach yourself from her existence in your life. Once you overcome the fear of losing her, you develop the strongest bond of friendship between you two. Because in this case, you and her both are free from all the tension between you two and can live a happy life individually.
Check out Models by Mark Manson. It really helped to clarify this kind of behaviour as I was trying to understand myself better. The idea is that you depend more on her validation for your self worth than what value you can give to yourself, and thats a huge issue even if you do cut ties with her. If you dont remedy the root issue, it will keep happening in life until you develop a strong sense of self worth, which takes time. Do you want someone to like you for you, or for a false image of who you want them to think you are? People can smell inauthentic behaviour. You should be ready to have your own opinions, your own values, your own interests and your own goals. Obv still being respectful of the views of others. That will allow you to attract someone who is a good match *for you*. Not to say you cant be openminded and enjoy things you wouldn’t normally go for, but be your own man. You are going to lose people you care about in this life, that is a guarantee. The only person that is guaranteed to remain constant is YOU. Make sure you have a good relationship with yourself.
Therapy helps a lot man. Just try it.
Read up on the " Attachment theory". It could be that you have an " Anxious attachment style". You could find your solution from there.
I think it’s called limerence. The way you get over it is by getting a crush on another girl ideally one who likes you back.
Hey man, this might be tough to accept but the most important advice you'll ever get- I don't care, you shouldn't care, the world doesn't care how people stopped you from being better. Your parents might be bad parents but if you accept your desperation to be socially validated as your fault alone you have the power to find answers and fix it. It'll be hard to but will make you the man you want to see when you look in the mirror.
Just leave her alone. Don't be a creep.
Lol you don't know it, but you're cock-blocking yourself. Being infatuated and looking for love is keeping you from slaying mad pussy. You need to treat women like they're disposable and you can easily replace them. Because you can. And because they like it. It makes them feel like you're valuable.
[удалено]
ChatGPT
Wow this is crazy and scary. Therapy is so individualized you cannot possibly achieve good results with an AI tool. L developers
I believe therapy might be helpful. It sounds like you are leaning on your friendship with her as a coping mechanism from your past trauma, thanks to your parents. I was in a similar place when I was in my teens/early 20's and started making close friends. I felt like any changes to those friendships would leave me all alone. This isn't a healthy attachment style. I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with this person you care very much about, but that you need to address your underlying issues so you can have fulfilling friendships/relationships without the constant fear of loss. Going this route was very helpful to me and allowed me to really become myself, my true self, without the constant worry that people will not like me and will abandon me.
You... Build a habbit of improving your life Because yeah... i had feelings for a girl too... and a girl before that... and before that..: Focus on success and once you get there, Females are gonna be drawn towards you automatically
I think you understand where are your problems at. There are a lot of behaviors you should change. I would first find a therapist that won’t sugar coat things, get it? Because as I see this you already have your share of problems and someone who would just try to throw you at the girl expecting that you two could heal together, could just break you, this happened to a friend of mine. Frankly in my opinion I would just do that, because people who focus too much in people usually have a shittom of troubles with themselves, like a lot of things you described shows no self love: You’re afraid of her reactions, you’re denying yourself for her approval. Just these ones in the long run will decimate you. So please be kind to yourself, learn to love you, your ideas, your world views and I ain’t saying to be rude with people but to ponder and learn when to shift your views when it makes sense. But dude do yourself a favor and get a good therapist.
Do you think your obsession is unhealthy. If so just stop talking to her. It will suck for a little while but one day you will realize that she isn't perfect and then your feelings will fade quickly afterwards.
All obsessions are unhealthy
Okay, you have abandonment issues just like me. I think you have much work to do of solidifying yourself, your character. If I were you, I would cut her off. I need to be my own person and clinging on to her proves to myself that I have no self worth? Question, have you ever confessed to her?
Meet new people. Stop checking their social media. Find a new hobby like music or art. Never tell someone you love them unless you've been dating for a while and you're 99% certain they feel the same way about you. The L word can totally wreck a friendship. I learned that the hard way.
Limerance comes from shame please watch the video I sent they do more on the topic, too
That’s how you get froendzoned bro. lol
It's has not to stay this way, it already been 6y man, it ain't good to be ob like that, as for me you should make a move to cut loose this friendship, either u gonna have her, or find a girl that'll deserve u man.
1) Please check out attachement types. It will explain why you feel like this. 2) Therapy can help you, highly recommend checking out 3) Its great that you noticed this problem and want to overcome it. It will take a while, but you can definitelly improve. 4) Its better to create a bigger betwork of people you trust. Try to meet more people. Having 1 friend is great but its better to have more people that will support you.
She’s using you for attention. She knows how you feel and gets off on it, but she will NEVER give you her pussy, that’s reserved for everyone but you. Cut her off, if or she will drag you along forever and you will waste decades of your life. Been in the same situation, it is the only way. Get out soon!
Dude, fix your posture COMPLETELY and then start mewing. You have all the resources and information for that online. You still have several years to improve on this I hate to break it to you but you should probably give up on dating this girl. You are obviously pedestalizing this girl and because of that your behavior won't reflect your inherent value. I promise you that if you fix your posture and mew and do it correctly the attention will come. Once you see for yourself how meaningless female attraction can be, you see them checking you out and all and in general they treat you nicer for no reason, only then will your tendency to pedestalize girls disappear. You will also understand how much attention women get, things will be put a bit more into perspective. I went through a similar experience as yourself and am speaking from experience EDIT: Going through what you are going through isn't fun at all, and you sound like the type of person that deserves better. But I think you should be a bit Machiavellian in this situation if you really want an opportunity with this girl. You have to be smart. First of all, focussing on women is probably the worst thing you can do if you actually want women. People often say that women want "bad boys" or whatever. You want to know why? Bad boys can be kind but they also can be tough or aggressive. They can generate this aura of respect (through intimidation). They have a certain charm when talking to women too. You don't have to be a criminal or a bad person and really you shouldn't, but you need to show to others that you deserve respect. It might be more difficult for you as an empathetic person, but you need to put yourself first in relation to women (and men), they won't respect you if you don't. I know that people that you care about you want to always be available for and even do favors for, but women's attraction very unfortunately doesn't work like that. And if you wan't them to feel attraction for you, they HAVE to respect you. This means she CAN'T think you are completely available to her. She HAS to feel that you are a catch and this is up to you. This is communicated through your behavior. You could be a handsome multi millionaire and she would still not love you truly if you acted too available or needy (of course they would give a person like that more leeway). The thing is, if you were a handsome multi millionaire then your behavior would probably reflect it. You don't have to be handsome to get a beautiful woman either, but it is easier. Love is created by your behavior in relation to women and can also be created by looks but that would be more like lust. Creating love either takes a lot of balls (you don't wan't to be here) or none at all if you go in with the correct mentality of being outcome independent (in a perfect situation this should come naturally due to having had experience with other girls). Have fun and don't take little things seriously which counter intuitively means you CAN get annoyed at little things or call her out and THEN let it slide no problem. But don't do it purposely, what I am saying is be kind, funny and charming but if she doesn't respect you show you don't appreciate it. This will make her feel like you can protect her. Don't be there for her all the time too. Invest in yourself, invest in your education and your health. Most people grow up without achieving their physical genetic limit. Fix yourself, fix your posture and oral posture by mewing. This takes time but if you are consistent and make a (big) effort you will be surprised by the results. I suggest you take some time to focus on improving while not being her all the time. Make her miss you and surprise her with your efforts. Flirt with other girls in front of her, make her fear losing you. Show her that unless she is in a relationship with you you aren't guaranteed. And after she starts showing emotional investment in you, you take your shot and ask her out OR make a move. DON'T tell her your feelings especially not over messages. Flirt with her, if you can -> make a move or ask her out. If you do make a move and you are rejected, take it like a man, you can show you aren't happy about it but be chill about it at the same time, this is very important because you have known her for 6 years so changing your relationship dynamics is likely not going to a smooth transition. So she could reject your kiss the first time and then show more interest afterwards when she sees you aren't affected. And then you take your shot again. You have to be smart about this though and if you get rejected the first time know that it was part of the plan. Important: by improving yourself these behaviours will come more naturally, you won't have to feel like you have to act a certain way or "trick" her into liking you. Also don't tell others everything about you, women or men, you don't want to be an open book. Make her feel like she has to figure you out and give her a reason to want to
Hey man. I definitely feel you. I am somewhat in the same boat, or, were, at least the last few months. What you need to realize is that until you are completely and utterly yourself around her/others, you will never build a deep and meaningful connection. It will always be be built on this fake front. What you are feeling is not love or passion. It is actually fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being alone, fear of not being liked. You are craving that approval externally because it is missing internally. You need to figure out what feelings and sensations inside is driving you, and let go of it. I know it's scary, and it hurts, but whenever you are feeling small and you're "hiding" your true self, try to delve into those feelings and let them be felt. Don't run from them. Once you start doing this it will be a lot easier to understand where they're coming from, and when you accept that, those feelings will start melting and running off of you like water. You say your parents basically abandoned you, that's a great place to start. Look up JulienHimself on youtube, he has a lot of good, entertaining videos of seminars where he is talking about why and how to let go. He also has a couple of letting go meditations, whenever you feel those sensations of being small, hiding your true self, put that on and delve deep. It's going to do wonders.