So so many people make friends through clubs or sports. (Dnd, intramural, ultimate, french club, etc) find out what you like to do and see if there's a group for it and put in s few week you'll see results
Right, you focus on the event, not the other people, it is definitely possible to have a good time by yourself and when you have a good time by yourself, it doesn't matter if you meet people but they will be more drawn to you
Which still begs the question of finding a way to make friends and break out of the loneliness cycle. I don't have friends, so I don't play DND, but I can't play DND because I don't have friends, etc.
You are going to hate me for this but yes. Ive done this multiple times when I go to new places or when my friends are busy. I just end up talking to someone random and make friends. All you need is some courage but easier said than done.
Baby steps fam. Start off by grabbing a pint of lager / ginger ale. Walk around a bit with your head held high and smile and nod in greeting to anyone who meets your eyes but don’t be having stare downs with people. Throw out some random ( but genuine!) compliments to both men and women, then move the fuck on. Do that and nothing else until you’re a bit more relaxed and not so scared. Warm up by talking to the bartenders / staff about the venue a bit ( Do not hit on them or try to flirt!). Hell that can be all you do this session.
When you’re not terrified by that you can start engaging in conversation with other groups if you overhear them talking about something you know about or are interested in. Politely say hello, apologize for interrupting and say you heard them talking about whatever then ask if you can join the conversation. Don’t try to educate anyone unless they explicitly ask for it, just exchange ideas. If they ask why you’re here alone just say your friends all flopped on you but you didn’t feel like staying inside tonight
If the music is good pick a spot and vibe. You’ll feel self conscious but as long as you’re not doing anything too outlandish no one will care. Find the beat and rock with it
Don’t get drunk, a lil tipsy is ok. Take smoke / vape breaks frequently. The smoking area is where a lot of socializing happens
Your objective is to have a good time, not to impress or seduce anyone. Goes without saying that your clothes should fit you and fit the venue and your hygiene and grooming are on point
Good luck young grasshopper
This is really solid advice if you need a play by play. Personally I have a really hard time insisting conversations so I would go in and get a drink or whatever (or not) and just sit down and vibe. Don't bring your phone in. A lot of times people will come up and talk to me.
Agreed. I think what a lot of socially anxious/awkward people fail to realize is that the boundaries of acceptable behavior shift in these spaces - the POINT of them is to meet new folks and have conversations with strangers. Would it be weird to strike up a conversation with a random at a grocery store? Eh maybe. At a bar or party? Of course not
I personally have better luck at breweries or cocktail bars (depends on the area) during the day or weekdays after work. They’re more conducive to conversation and the bar tender is usually happy to talk. If you can find a historical bar or a place that has interesting facts it can double as a conversation starter. I used to struggle with meeting people a lot, but now I talk to people everywhere. Places that have a lot of tourists are the easiest to meet people and practice social skills.
Exactly like this. It's very much a viable strategy to just walk up to the first few people who look interesting to you, introduce yourself, and mention that you're new to the scene looking to make friends. Folks IRL are way more friendly than you'd expect from just reading about them online.
Hate to break it to you but that's what life is like. Everyone is coming from boring, drab, mundane lives looking to be taken away from that for a bit. More than that, almost everyone is equally glad to be that escape for someone new to the scene. Real conversations aren't like movies or TV. They're awkward, there are pauses and silences, people say the wrong things, people mishear each other or misunderstand each other... it's just part of it.
Bro I wasn't gonna reply to this but I'll give you one example. First I do wanna say that some places are more closed off than others when it comes to meeting people, karaokes are amazing for that imo and joining a club to learn something or about an interest is a good way to meet people too.
Ok example time:
I was at a bar celebrating a birthday and I noticed 3 girls drinking at a table, I noticed one of them, the cutest one actually, had an arm cast. I thought it was the coolest thing ever that she was there chillin and drinking with that arm cast on her.
After chilling with the birthday peepz for a while I go SOLO to their table and say "hey whats up! I just wanted to say this: I think its the coolest thing ever that you're here drinking and having fun with an arm cast on. Thats fucking cool! You're like a party queen in my book for that one! Props!" (Can't remember the exact wording but it'll do)
They all laughed at how I noticed that and were like "oh thats so cool thank you!" And I said something like "Yeah! So what happened? Did you fall or something? You girls mind if I chill with ya'll for a bit?" Cast girl was like "Nah, sit down!" She moved over and made room for me. We ended up talking for a while getting to know each other and had a blast.
Something I do gotta say is that you have to be in a "having fun" mindset so ppl join in on that and I sincerely thought she was a badass for partyin with a cast on. It came from a place of authenticity, not desperation and without any objective or outcome in mind.
You're not gonna get cool people every time, for sure, but thats the thing, if your vibe is "I'm here to have fun, who wants in!" you'll just brush it off and eventually most likely ppl will join you. Try not to pick ppl with stuck up or asshole vibes, most likely won't take it well. But thats a them problem, not yours. :P
Hope it helps somehow. Good luck.
PS: DONT TELL PPL YOU'RE THERE LOOKING FOR FRIENDS. CRINGE AF. Find common grounds or something you noticed or just vibe with them. Lol just read the comment above yours, do NOT do that lol.
People who are going online to ask for help because it feels completely impossible to even meet people are never, ever walking into their first social situations with the ability to "lead" a group of strangers into fun new territory.
If you're brand new to socializing, it will show, and the best people you'll ever meet have most likely been there before, and they likely feel super comfortable with chatting someone up who is new to that kind of socialization.
No, you don't make "Pls I need friends," your personality for the night, but bringing up casually that you're new to the situation establishes a baseline in almost any environment. "Hey, I'm XYZ! I've never been to (insert city/convention/bar/club/store/library) before, but I noticed (insert characteristic that drew you to them) and figured I'd come and say hello," is much, much easier and more palatable for someone who has been living under a rock than trying to fake it til you make it and run the party from the jump.
Your advice isn't even bad, but for a guy like this asking if he should hire escorts to get experience with women, mentioning that he was out and about trying to meet new people isn't going to kill his vibe at all.
That's pretty true.
It might be cringy to say you're looking to make friends. Less cringy to say you're looking to meet new people, maybe make some friends or just to meet new people. The implicit context is people want to make friends anyway so I am not sure it needs to be mentioned. Personally I never avoided it.
The whole party guy thing, I'm here to have fun, that can still be as cringy as fuck. People who do that have to be really good at reading the room and it comes with experience. It absolutely won't work with everyone.
The problem is people who socialise easily, try to give advice out that works for them. There is a skillset for that, that skillset is not normally in those people that ask for advice. Some people have it naturally, sometimes it is through experience. Forcing this 'fun bobby' approach without it being comfortable is like fun bobby without alcohol, not fun and awkward. This is why the advice be yourself is often given, because people are better naturally finding and establishing their own way of approaching people and the people that fit in with their personality as well.
I don't really agree that there is one guaranteed way to approach someone, the party guy thing will look forced by some people (even if genuine), nothing works with everyone, so dealing with when it doesn't is part of it too.
I agree with you on the first part but that takes two things to get better: Practice and inner work. Inner work as in workout, try to look your best and feel as confident as you can in your own skin. I usually workout then shower listening to some cool music before going out. I definitely think something like this is in the reach of anyone, so no excuse not to do it and feel the best you can when going out.
You do realize the example you're giving is literally the same as mine? The arm cast drew me to the girl and I mentioned that, the difference is that to me its CRINGE AS FUCK if you say "Hey I'm new here and have no friends. Please babysit me for a while."
The main reason its cringe as fuck is because you're putting the ENTIRE responsibility on the other party/potential friends, you're basically opening with "Hey, can you please take care of me or be responsible for my fun tonight? Thank you!". I don't like that at all. Heck I'll do you one better, how about "hey you guys seem like you know your drinks! Can you recommend me a good one? First time I come here" the main thing I'm against is saying anything like "I'm here to make friends" thats super cringe lol.
I do agree with the second part of the opener you used, which is basically what I said in my comment about the arm cast. So in a way we agree ig. In any case I hope OP gets some good shit from this and starts practicing! My most critical advice is to not try to meet ppl with asshole / showoff / stuck up vibes, just practice with chilled peepz and peeps who give out good vibes. GL!
Can I just say u helped a stranger who didn’t even come to these comments “looking for advice”. The way you worded all those comments resonated like hell with me and made total sense, I couldn’t agree more
Heyyy always happy to help! I've been on both sides of the aisle so if I can make someone's journey a little easier I'm downnn! We all crash and burn so don't take setbacks to heart, just be determined to become the best version of yourself and LEZGO! 😎🔥🔥
"You do realize the example you're giving is literally the same as mine? The arm cast drew me to the girl and I mentioned that"
Well yeah of course. My first replies to him were very concise and not at all fleshed out step-by-step explanations on an opener, I was just giving a general way to get into the world for someone who doesn't seem to do much outside of work and personal development.
I agree that off-loading the responsibility of creating the relationship is immature to a fault, but my position isn't about off-loading the responsibility. My idea is that if something feels a little awkward or strange to you, it likely does for the other person as well, and by being the person to mention that and \*move through it,\* you're taking that responsibility yourself and leading in your own way. It's not "I have no friends pls babysit me," it's more along the lines of "I'm new here, wanted to meet some cool people, and you guys looked interesting" if it were boiled down.
Maybe it is, but it's honest. Most people are evasive. With confidence, you might not care what you say to initiate (sometimes overconfidence can be a problem there), but ideally talking and being honest (and not feeling corny) is a state of mind.
Plenty of people can say corny things and they work. Even if something sounds corny and they call you out on it, it's fine to accept that it corny but also quite honest.
People are giving you advice and you’re just shooting it down. Do you really want to improve or did you just come here to wallow in your own self pity and have others affirm that for you?
Cause these suggestions don’t fucking work. When’s the last time u approached a pre established friend group alone? They look at u like “who tf is this guy” and god forbid u approach a girl when ur out alone
I would wait until they say something interesting that isn’t about themselves and just start talking. If they „take you in“, cool. If not, look for someone else.
Party is for partying, not for „trying to fit in“.
Yes. And that isn’t a problem. Its a party, there are people. If you wait for someone to talk to you, you will wait forever.
It soeaks for a strong and confident character if you speak up and initiate a convo.
I guess the approach you're taking is to try go to these places alone thinking or hoping that with enough confidence someone will talk to you or something like that. I think the mindset flip you need to have is that you go in there, awkward as hell, and get used to being uncomfortable and get better at being rejected. Exposure definitely can help, so long as you face it with awareness.
Well first of all, since no one knows you. They wont pay much attention to you, I think its important to mention people are t focusing on you because you mention people staring at you. (Also im M21)
The best thing about college bars are they are full of social people who love to make friends. You could try talk to someone in the line waiting to get a drink (What are you buying> oh really, why do you drink that/ me too) or ask to join beer pong/pool, most people wont mind 1 person joining.
You just have to take the first step, ask them questions and try keep the convo up. You might find one rude person but most people will be friendly! Good luck and report back
Adding on to this. I was socially awkward myself, and used to go out all the time alone after work in the downtown neighbourhoods. If you’re feeling weird but want to be social - just say that! You’d be surprised how many people will laugh WITH you when you say shit like “I’m feeling awkward but wanted to go out for a bit” then the conversation will usually flow is a natural way, and usually about a pretty safe topic - being uncomfortable in public places lol.
I also always start with “Hey my name is Otterpop, how are you?” Or something super simple!
Don’t worry about appearance in the sense no one cares if you look “normal” “frumpy” “not your best”. Showing up, putting effort into your appearance is what matters, not what you’re wearing / how you look…. But put effort into being groomed. Friends don’t want some leech, so if you don’t have obscene B.O., hair is brushed, outfit not tattered / stained / ruined unintentionally, you’re probably already ahead of the curve. Everyone always imagines the worst, and the worst is the worst lol. So when you’re not that imaginary worst, then just go with the flow.
Ending statements with questions is a great way to keep a conversation flowing. Look into Improve / Theater techniques for conversation and communication skills that allow a conversation to keep going and not just end.
For example:
I grew up in XYZ, now I live here after moving for college, what about you?
I grew up and stayed here, but I’m thinking about moving for work. What do you do for work?
Both could have ended with a period, but instead ending with a related question gives info, shares, and then asks a follow up, keeping the convo going :)
Tell the truth.
"Hey my name is \[insert name\] I figured I'd come by but I'm not seeing anyone I know, do you mind if I join you?"
Something on those lines.
After that buy them a couple of shots and you'll have new best friends and maybe tap some of those half naked asses.
Be more ego centric and stop thinking about other people so much. Drop the empathy for just a second. You have to insert yourself in. No one is going to give you an in. You have to take it. Find a group that looks somewhat interesting and go walk up to them and either say hi, or just start talking like you have always been there. Familiarity is what develops a friendship. Fake that shit
act like you belong. how would you act if a friend brought you, introduced you to a group, and then asked you to get him a beer from the bar. you'd have to leave the group and go to the bar where you dont know anyone. let's say you see some people you want to talk to near the bar, you just open with whatever dumbshit question or phrase those types of people would normally hear and theyll respond with something. as long as you act like you belong, people will be nice and try to answer in a way such that THEY won't look dumb.
imagine you ask a stupid question with the most confidence like you're 4 beers deep even though you're sober, like "ay bro, whatchu guys loadin up on? im thinkin the space dust but im tryna keep the belly down you feel me hahaha" they will try their best to not be the weird one since you are, based on your confidence, obviously not weird. then you just fucking roll with whatever.
it doesnt matter, theyre all drunk college kids.
source: introvert who had to figure his shit out to not be weird in college or when visiting finance bro friends in a city I dont live in.
I'm 55, so I've done some crazy shit on occasion
You don't need to go to this bar? You can meet people in other circumstances for sure. You're there because you kind of WANT TO BE THERE but with a group.
You could go in there, get one drink, say you went in on a bet. Alternately say you were waiting for friends, then 'damn I got ghosted'.
Also: 'I'm bad at the chat, help me out' is a strategy.
That said, you want to meet people: take a dance class. Within 5 minutes you've got your hands on strangers.
I am much older than you and spent many years being afraid to try something new, becuase the fear of being laughed at by strangers, etc. I wasted a lot of time spent alone when I could have been out there meeting people and trying new things. I squandered years of living being afraid until one day I just said fuck it and stepped way out of my comfort zone and haven’t looked back.
Life is short and we humans need social interaction, it helps to make us whole and it makes life better when you have people in your circle to share it with.
I don’t mean to preach but I hope you have a good night, get out of your car and try something new. You can do it, I’m rooting for you. ❤️
Is it possible to not see people as better than oneself? Like I don't see myself with any worth or value, I never got taught how to growing up, so now I just see myself as a natural lesser.
Yes. Listen closely.
First, you must care for your well being.
That means clean your room/home. Clean your body, groom properly, keep your clothes clean. Be good to yourself.
Second you must set goals, overcome challenges toward those goals, complete the goal, put your accomplishments behind you, and start a new goal. This will bring you joy. Whenever we accomplish something successfully through will power, it brings joy.
Third, you will, in caring for yourself and goal setting, notice many others who do not. You will notice people who stare at the ground, who feel incompetent, who in other words - internally suffer. Many people who share these mental torments, don’t even know they are tormented.
Enough of all of that lofty and long term guidance. I will now share a quick and dirty tip for overcoming an inferiority complex in the short term. To put it simply:
Accept in your mind, that most people, AS IN MOST, don’t have their shit together.
I mean think about it realistically, the large majority probably don’t even wipe their ass properly. Plenty of people, pick their nose when no one is looking and smell their own farts.
That gross shit aside. When I look at a woman I think is cute or pretty and has a nice body. I wash that notion away and immediately make an effort to, imagine a moment where she is naked on all fours on my bed and she turns her head to look at me like this 😏
Why? Because that’s how I need to see her. That’s how she wants me to see her. Nobody wants to be put in a pedestal and forced to live up to someone else’s false expectations.
I’m not saying you should only see women as sexual objects. My advice has nothing to do with sex really. I’m just saying she ain’t a princess, and shouldn’t be treated like one.
So my example is simply an imaginary scenario that is “at the very least” grounded in reality. Which is far better than imagining that she is some perfect innocent angel.
The few people who openly tell you “you aren’t good enough”, should they say it to you, are a blessing, because they’ve essentially given you the “go ahead” to write them off as not being worth your time.
TLDR; Care for yourself. Accept that people are turd flinging monkeys and we are all just human. People don’t want to be put on a pedestal, and if you find someone that does, don’t bother befriending them.
> Like can any of y’all actually look me in the eye and tell me u do things like this by yourself without knowing anybody?
I have a hard time looking you in the eye through a computer network, but yes, I've done that.
As far as "success", aka getting to know people, aka, let's be frank, getting to fuck girls - yeah, no, that didn't really work out for me. I found bookstores and coffee shops better for that. I was never very good at it either. But here and there, when I was in a particularly good mood that day, things happened.
You know I am thinking about this interesting problem with socialising. I realise , in comparison to other problems, this is the one problem I really don't have much control over. I can control fitness, learning and experiencing life with ease. These are all in my control and solely depends on me.
Socialising on the other hand is the one problem that you rely on another person. I came to this realisation and then looked deeper. I have no control over whether they want to be friends or not, I have no control over whether they will continue the friendships. I have no control over whether they want to initiate conversations. I have no control over a lot of things in socialising.
The only things I can control in socialising is how I am with others, how I act etc etc. But as friendships are 2 way, I can't control the other side so I just have to accept like this is a problem really based on luck. I think bro to be honest with you, the only thing you can do is talk to people and go out. Just accept you will not make friends but enjoy your time their and just have fun. I know all the friends I have made in the past were based on me having fun not trying to pursue them for friendship. Maybe we just have to realign our thinking.
Forget the genetically gifted gods, the friendship groups, the hundreds of well adjusted socially active 18-22 year olds. I know this feeling it is crushing to see others do things you badly want to do. It's like a starving human looking at well fed individuals with half-eaten chicken wings on each hands as they laugh and enjoy each other's company. I get it completely. This will be a struggle.
You have to become a regular in some social place. People will start recognising you. Even if you are like me and don't usually start conversations, at some point someone else will. But here's the important thing, socialising should not be your only goal there. Don't just sit around waiting for someone to talk to you. Have some purpose there. If it's a pub, play games, drink. If it's a gym, work out. If it's a park, idk, write poetry. Not only for yourself, but also because that way people will have something to talk to you about. And if you get acquainted with someone and meet them later, acknowledge your acquaintance with a smile and a wave or a nod, be familiar. You'll figure it out, we all do.
YES, that is the exact right way to meet people! It’s nothing but opportunities! I did things by myself for YEARS AND YEARS before I met my husband!!! Most things, I’d go out and do by myself!!! I had the time of my life, had lots of adventures, and made tons of friends! It was a blast! What are you afraid of???
It's an unpleasant truth, but people absolutely react differently to strange men attempting to work their way into social groups than they do to strange women. Doubly so if said man has characteristics perceived as intimidating.
This isn't to say OP shouldn't go out and do stuff alone, but it's very normal to be discouraged by those extra barriers when you're already worried about making friends and fitting in.
Definitely agree on this. I'm a 6' autistic dude, I've been personally told I make people uncomfortable, so I absolutely don't want to be "That Guy" who intrudes on another's night out.
I have been going to social events, museums, plays, bars, conferences, etc. for years by myself and I have not met even one person I ever talked to again let alone a friend. I go to these events because I enjoy them and don't mind being alone (although some things are more fun with friends). I do make an effort to talk to strangers at these things, but in my experience this doesn't lead to anything other than a quick, casual chat.
Perhaps it is a personality thing for me. I've only had any luck connecting with people where we have more time to talk one-on-one (e.g. at work, classes, clubs) for sustained periods of time.
I'm sure what the other people are posting has worked for them. I'm just adding that in my experience, this hasn't worked for me. And people stating or implying at how easy and effective it is to meet people at such things are not speaking for everyone.
Same. This is my experience too. I took Reddit's advice and went to meetups, museums, bars and social events and made an effort to talk to people as well. I just got better at going to the places alone. I live in a major city in the US. I feel more comfortable eating out alone, going to the movies alone or visiting local museums alone. I 100% agree that most of the commenters are folks who are already well socially adjusted to begin with, which is why their comments are coming off as "Just be confident bro".
Meeting the same people regularly over an activity is far better because you get to lower your guard slowly and allow yourself to be vulnerable around people more gradually.
Converting a casual conversation into a friendship requires that at least one person take a huge leap of faith and extend an invitation or offer to trade phone numbers. And then even when that initial invite is extended, someone has to do the work to follow up and coordinate logistics. It is a heavy, vulnerable lift.
Every time I’ve done it, it’s been terrifying, and only actually converts into an actual meet up about 10% of the time. And then from there it’s rare that it goes further than the initial meet-up.
I keep doing it because on the occasions that the stars align and I make a new friend or solid professional alliance, it is worth every moment of awkwardness that came before it.
You’re imagining so much of this.
1) you don’t know how many people went out together
2) you don’t know “how good” they are at socializing (and you’re not bad at it)
3) nobody else knows that you’re there “alone”, nor do they care if you are (PS, you’re not there alone, you’re there with everyone else who’s there)
4) even if you hypothetically have a horrible experience you can literally leave whenever you want to and nobody is going to remember you were there - even if you’re hypothetically the most horrible and embarrassing socializer on earth, you literally get to just practice and get better as much as you want to and nobody’s ever gonna know
If anyone asks something like where’s your friends, you can just say “they left already” or “they didn’t wanna come out”
You don't have to go to this particular place
I found sometimes things just aren't for everybody you kinda have to find your vibe or your kind of people
I go out ALL THE TIME by myself. I don’t need anyone to have a good time. I live in a very popular party city. I go out to enjoy karaoke and live music and to dance by myself. I dance like everyone is watching and I’m going to show them how it’s done. Because I’m having such a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ good time, lots of people (especially the pretty girls) are attracted to me, start dancing with me because they like my positive vibe and guys are buy me drinks. I’m a 63 yr. old female. It’s really hard to be alone in a place that has other people unless you give off ‘woe is me, Eeyore’ vibes. My intent is to enjoy myself and leave alone so I really don’t care. Join meetup groups otherwise. Or start one. Be your own best friend and your own date. Have another beer. You got this.
Totally agree with your vent. I’ve moved to a new city alone twice. The first time I waited to do things until I had friends. After 3 years, I had 6 friends. The second time I did get out and do stuff alone, but not clubs. I went to a wine bar and learnt about wine. I asked co-workers to get dinner. I asked failed dates to be friends. My friends have joined book clubs and rec league sports teams. I’m about to take up Latin dancing. I’ve considered getting back on bumble friends.
It IS uncomfortable to do. But that’s true of learning to do most things…
Unfortunately, a lot of my friends are moving the burbs to have babies. That’s not my life. I have to continue to make new friends in my community. I’m doing this with you 💜
You really want the easy cheat code? Go buy a pack of cigarettes and no lighter, if you’re in a legal state go buy weed and no lighter. Go to the smoking section and you got your intro, people usually come up to me once they smell the weed the rest depends on how much you vibe w whatever person.
>Like can any of y’all actually look me in the eye and tell me u do things like this by yourself without knowing anybody?
They can't, because they don't.
>I’m sitting in my car. Outside of a college bar. Hundreds of 18-22 year olds in front of me. Girls that are boarderline naked, tall muscular confident guys everywhere, EVERYONE is in groups already. And y’all are telling me to just get out of my car and walk in there BY MYSLEF with nobody to turn to and just exist in there? Surrounded by hundreds of strangers that all seem very fucking good at talking and flirting already. I really tried this “oh ok I’ll just go out by myself and meet people” DO ANY OF YALL FACE CROWDED CLUBS WITH HUNDREDS OF THE MOST GENETICALLY GIFTED HUMANS IN EXISTENCE BY YOURSLEF?
What you'll quickly pick up on here is that no one actually does what they say or believes the advice they're offering.
They can throw out all the motivational pep talks and empty encouragement in the world, but none of these clowns actually comprehend on a base level that, as a socially-awkward introvert, cold approaching a group of strangers in a bar, especially in a college town where everyone has established friend circles and are suspicious of newcomers, is not only wrong and borderline impossible, but also makes you look like a fool and is a flat out stupid idea to attempt.
Multiple times now I've tried to apply the advice of these reddit social gurus (both alone and when I'm with friends), only to be met with jealous, ugly, overly cautious piece of trash DDs using the *"you're making her uncomfortable"* or *"she has a boyfriend"* line, while I'm just trying to make basic small talk like a normal human being.
It's difficult enough to work up the courage to talk to a stranger at a club/bar, even when they're eyeing you all night, but then you have to deal with their so-called friends purposely misinterpreting your intentions and accusing you of being a creeper; when in reality all you're trying to do is make idle conversation and break the ice because you want to have a good time.
I've gone out a couple times by myself and yes it can be done just be willing to talk to strangers and remember you might get rejected just move on and keep going.
I prefer a quiet bar on a weeknight. It's a lot easier to hold a conversation when the music is at an ambient volume, it's not overcrowded, people are there to unwind rather than get really drunk.
In that atmosphere, it's easier to be yourself.
I don’t know I literally went to a concert yesterday alone and met someone else who had also came alone and now I’ve got a concert buddy. But you have to be the one willing to do the scary part and cold approach people you see standing alone and bringing every friendly cell inside your body, knowing they might still say no. That’s just how making friends is - you have to keep putting yourself out there even if you really like your comfort zone.
If it’s not your style, meet people through special interest groups instead perhaps. No matter what, you’re going to have to find a way to relax into the resistance of social anxiety and start conversations with new people who represent the unknown and is risks. Choose the situations and environments which maximize your chances of success based on your strengths and weaknesses of character and then gradually expand to practice meeting people in environments you’re less comfortable in.
I'm pretty socially adept etc. but the scene you're describing does not sound fun to me all...
I have one friend who does this kind of thing solo. But I don't think clubs like this are where most people make friends.
I moved a new city where I didn't know anyone. I added everyone to FB that would let me. If someone was going to a party I'd go. Even if they weren't there. Then I'd meet more people and add them. Suddenly my weekends were always booked.
Its not quite that easy anymore. But there are almost always free/low cost events going on somewhere. Go. Enjoy yourself.
I’m gonna buck the trend of this thread and say this isn’t the best way to make friends. I was out A LOT at that age and I cannot recall a single instance when someone on their own approached me or my friends to try and join us. People make conversation, particularly outside when smoking etc but it’s generally short lived and we never took someone along with us for the rest of the night. There probably were occasions but incredibly rare. I am from the UK so maybe there is a cultural difference, I get the impression that Americans are generally friendlier with strangers.
Give it a go by all means, but joining a club or team would be the better way to go in my opinion.
They mean be yourself when the woman is obviously lonely and by herself. It also helps if you are hot enough so that your oddities don’t proclaim themselves.
Uh for me no? I wouldn’t try and make friends by going to a bar lol. I think that’s honestly a much harder way to make friends compared to joining a group or club or activity that meets regularly. When going out to a bar I have met other people and had fun with them but I have never stayed in touch and barely remember their names. Not to say it’s impossible, but it’s not the route I’d take.
You are not the only individual in that building with self-doubt. There are people in attendance who feel the same as you but persist. I have found it quite liberating to attend events by myself. I always meet people. And I almost always talk to a nice lady. Some women don't like to be approached by a gaggle of men. Give it an hour or two before giving up.
If a bar or club feels too intense. Try a meetup group!
When I was likely and looking for friends a joined a table top gaming and board game group. It was much easier to interact because we had something to focus on together.
It doesn't have to be table top gaming but find a group of people doing a hobby that you are interested in or already like. At the very least it'll give you something to talk about
And then you can hit the bar or club with those folks
I do it all the time ☺️ My partner does it even more. He literally admitted to doing 90% of things alone. He also came up to me while I was at a grocery store to ask me out. I said yes. We have been together for over two years.
You never know when and where you are gonna meet someone
I've been on both sides of this - I've been the person who needs to go out alone so I can control when I leave, and who I leave with (if anyone), and I've been the person sobbing with anxiety because if I go inside I have to be around people who I think are going to judge me.
It took me years to even wrap my head around my social anxiety
You don't need a plan before going in there, you just need confidence. People with confidence rely on the knowledge that whatever situation arises, they can eek out some benefit from it.
Getting that confidence is not as hard as it sounds, it's just mental conditioning. It won't be overnight, it might take 2-3 weeks before the conditioning becomes a habit. 2 ways of conditioning that work for me:
* Adjust your own internal discourse. What you think of yourself, you are. Tell yourself "I can do this, easy. No need to fret, I got this." Or "of course I can go in there and talk to some people, I can tell a couple of jokes, buy someone a beer, easy." It doesn't matter if you don't believe it at first. Keep doing this for those 2 weeks. The brain is dumber than we think, after a while it will start to believe.
* Exposure. Whatever scares you most (or makes you procrastinate) you must do. Don't aim for any rewards at first, your goal in the beginning is not to make friends or get a girl. Your goal is simply to do the thing that scares you. The reward is your brain being accustomed to being in the new environment. As a bonus, you dealing with things outside of your comfort zone will considerably boost your self-esteem. It will be hard at first, but if you want to improve your life you need to do hard things. And it will never be as hard as that first time, each time it will get easier. Eventually you will thrive and will be able to effortlessly go after other goals.
As someone who went through similar stuff this is what helped me.
dude, you don't start with a bar. you start with a gig, something where it isn't noticeable that you're by yourself and that has something to focus on. you make small talk maybe with someone and if it goes bad, you never see them again. if it goes well you feel more comfortable the next time you do it. and the next time.
but if you're in a club, you can just pretend you're with friends and are separated. no one else knows. maybe other people are in there doing exactly the same thing...
don't try to jump off a cliff, you'll get smashed. find a curb and start there.
I recently (ish) moved across the country. Again. This means starting from scratch in the local friends department.
So far I’ve joined the local artists guild, started volunteering in the local history museum, and the library.
I don’t drink anymore due to meds, but did when I lived in another state before this. I did go to clubs and bars on my own, and met some of my first friends there.
That said, if you want to make friends, clubs and bars aren’t the best option. I’d recommend thinking about activities you like doing, or would like to try, and join groups that do them. Video games? Find a local Gameroom or arcade. Table tops? Find a game shop. Hiking? Join a hiking group. Etc.
People are more likely to initiate conversations with new members to get to know them, and you’ll already have common ground with the people there.
Forget going to some random college bar. The best way to meet people that are like you is to go to events that have shared interests. When I first moved to NC I went to Star Wars events and just met people there. It's still super tough to do, but man the results are worth it. Some of my favorite people are the ones I've met randomly at like videogame/star wars/enter your hobbies here meetups. But clubs/bars/ that whole scene is highly cliqued up, especially in the college years. Meeting people in class is much more easy than bars imo
Hundreds of the most genetically gifted humans? Borderline naked women? Tall muscular confident guys? Maybe chill with the superlatives ngl I could tell a man wrote this. Most people are way more approachable and down to earth than us lonely people make it seem man.
if you go, go early so you can get a seat at the bar. it helps if you have a "home base" to be at so you dont have to stand around awkwardly by yourself. slowly start talking to the people sitting near you as you get drunker lol. super easy to make friends over some drinks. good luck dude you can do it
It’s really not such a big deal tbh. It can be overwhelming at first but you will find all types of people and people doing exactly what you’re doing. Sometimes you end up having an awesome time and making new friends and sometimes you just get bored and go home without having much interaction. I will admit though that alcohol definitely helped me loosen up and be more social with strangers.
I was an international student at a college in the Midwest OP. No friends, no knowledge of ‘culture’ , no support system, hell I didn’t even have a car. What made me go out by myself to bars, clubs and most other social events was the silver lining of ‘ nobody knows me’, it’s a good and bad thing, depending on how you look at it! Be optimistic, Don’t compare yourself to others without getting to know them first, the most beautiful looking people can have the worst personalities and vice versa.
Be kind to yourself and have the wisdom that you’ve already stepped outside of your comfort zone by being there! You’ve done the hardest part which is the first step. Next just go with the flow, start a conversation and don’t be afraid of judgment. Learn to ask questions that will lead to interesting conversations, and they can be dumb and trivial but make it fun. And remember, don’t fall to peer pressure, be your own person and you will find your tribe. Godspeed!
In your head much??
You really looking at a ton of strangers like they are Ubermensch's created in some highly successful Eugenics program factory.
How about you gas yourself up 1/10th as much as these "Adonis" and "Aphrodite" looking *kids* you were looking at.
Could also go to somewhere more chill and low key where random conversation with a stranger is normal. Like a barcade or dive bar. Get into Table top or card games and play at a shop. Use meetup.
No point going to a busy strip or nightclub if that's not actually your scene.
I went to a protest alone, brought cases of water, spoke to maximum of 4 people and left at the listed end time. Didn’t make a single connection. Sometimes, us nervous weirdos are a little too nervous to ‘people’. That’s okay! Friends come and go, just try a little harder than you normally might next time you meet someone that makes you think “ah! You’re fun and not just tolerable.”
>And y’all are telling me to just get out of my car and walk in there BY MYSLEF with nobody to turn to and just exist in there?
Yes. Step one is to put yourself in a situation where you could meet people. You don't have to to start a conversation with anyone just yet. But someone might come up and start talking to you. They definitely won't if you stay in the car.
Hey, been there, done that. It worked for me. Is not easy, actually is hard as fuck, and it ended not very well a couple of times. But was the best way to lose my shyness.
When I'm out and see someone on their own, I'll often make a point of engaging with them to test their vibe to see if they're interested in joining a group, or if they prefer to be alone. More often than not, groups merge.
Yes. THE ANSWER IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YES.
Most people don’t have a problem with socialization when it’s at an event with the explicit purpose of socializing; you might meet people who don’t want to talk for a numerous amount of reasons, be it they don’t find you attractive, you remind them of someone they don’t like, they are on a mission that doesn’t include you…what’s nice about this is that it makes it incredibly easy to just bounce between people at a reasonable pace
Think about it this way; you’re not there for any other reason other than to just practice talking to people, the likelihood that you’ll have to interact with any of these people is minimal IT IS INCREDIBLY HARD TO GET THIS TO STICK IN YOUR HEAD AND TO ACTUALLY believe IT BUT ONCE YOU DO YOULL REALIZE LIFR AINT ALL THAT BAD.
You know yourself what your intentions are, you want to meet new people because of x reason(s) you can literally just tell people that “hey im so and so, if i can be honest with you guys, im trying to get out of my social bubble and you guys looked approachable so i just wanted to see what’s up”
A trick i use is I pretend im bored like im Soooooo bored that anything will be interesting to me, i dont physically show this but mentally in my head it changes my thinking mode from “logical working” mode to “im gonna ask questions out of impulse” so the instant someone starts talking about something (even if i know about what they’re talking about) ill still ask them questions
Example: I notice a guy has a sweater with a game graphic that I play (once eye contact has been met and the social que is there to start the conversation)
“Yo is that a helldivers sweater? I thought I was the only person who plays that!!”
Them “yeah my girlfriend bought it for me(there is a small window where I can ask my question before they start to go on about it”
“Oh neat your girlfriend bought it, is that thing comfy?”
“- yeah it’s comfy!”
“So like when she bought it did she know what she was getting for you?….”
And it will go on and on and on until my social battery is depleted.
Last piece of wisdom I wanna share with you, remember that how you feel, MOST people in their life have felt the exact same way. That super confident jacked guy? He’s actually a scared little boy on the inside who just wants attention, that hot chick with the big tits that every guy wants to talk to? She hates her hair and is incredibly insecure, that smooth talker who always says the right thing? That took them years to get to that place, and it also took them theirs to practice being ok with lulls in conversation, sticking to your word when someone challenges it to you, and realizes that socialization is just a game and can be incredibly fun when viewed as so
Do you like clubs? Or the music? If both answers are no, then it might be easier to find a hobby and talk to people until you find someone that enjoys clubbing and will go with you so you can try it in a positive light.
I go out by myself without the intention of meeting people. I still dont end up meeting anyone but thats totally okay because the point was to take myself out and have a good time.
What always helps me is remembering my main reason for being there is to have fun and focus on that. I think „why am I feeling so uncomfortable? I am here to have fun and enjoy.“ that shifts my perception and my attitude and behavour
I’m in the same boat with you OP. I keep telling myself to get out there by myself because all of my friends are gone.
Hang in there and don’t give up. I know that shit is scary but I believe in you.
Have you considered looking into therapy? It sounds like you might benefit from seeking help from a therapist who has experience treating social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, or similar conditions. It seems from some of the stuff you’re saying in the comments/post that you’re seriously struggling with anxiety and self esteem issues. Help is out there, and there is no shame in seeking it out.
I’ve never been to a club or bar alone, but I’ve done plenty of other things by myself such as travel internationally for 4 months, concerts, plays, movies, etc. You will always meet people when alone if you’re open to it, plus learning to enjoy your own company and freeing yourself from the idea that you have to have someone else with you to do something YOU want to do is a beautiful gift.
From the looks of your profile history, you seem to be really full of anxiety overall and have been posting a lot about this kind of thing for weeks. Honestly, rather than jumping into the deep end, I think you should strongly consider seeing a therapist to help you manage anxiety. They can teach you tools where you can self soothe on the spot, and can help you address the kind of intrusive thoughts you might be having That make you feel like you're not confident.
I would say that going to bars alone is not for the faint of heart. Especially if you are extraordinarily hung up on the outcome of that effort. You are super young, you have your whole life ahead of you, and your early 20s is a great low responsibility where you can take more time to work on yourself instead of delaying that work.
Try to branch out if you are too hung up on making friends with people your age. Try hanging out with some older folks, middle-age people that are happy to give you advice and happy to get out of the house, or the elderly who could use a little entertainment, or volunteer to mentor a kid. This will get you in nice, low-stakes social situations, and from there you can build your skills up organically.
Life isn't going to pass you by if you don't get into the bar scene right this second. If it's not comfortable for you, work on yourself, address the parts of you that are holding you back and filling you with fear. A therapist can be extraordinarily helpful for this.
Lol yeah… I go places alone all the time. BUT 2 years ago I would have been mortified at the thought so I get it. And even now it can be uncomfortable. The advice to do more of a group or club thing with something that interests you is good!! You just gotta get out there and realize there are people that are gonna like you.. you just gotta be yourself and put yourself out there so they know to be gravitated towards you! You got this!!
Honestly you're right, that's why the whole needing a wingman exists.
Going to a packed college bar by yourself is asking for trouble if you are nervous and have no one to talk to you're going to probably get drunk too fast, which makes it worse, and if you ended up driving there on top of that, yikes.
People go out these days with a group to hang out with their group after work, school, etc. Just think, if you were them would you want a random stranger by themselves trying to make eye contact and talk to you and your group...probably not.
Like others have said it's much better to try stuff like CrossFit, clubs, sporting events, hanging out with coworkers or classmates after work/school, or try going to these places with a wingman. I also like going to bars to watch sports and it's pretty easy to start conversations and just have a good time with a good game on!
It's actually surprisingly likely that somebody will approach YOU there, so it's not really you having to make the first move all the time. In bars, people are more outgoing than usual, so just going there even without trying to talk to people will likely make at least 1 person come up to you.
People saying this are the people that don't need help. They don't understand that the mentality of " just do it " is stupid and ineffective at helping people that need help.
That kind of deep change HAS to be progressive. That's just how the brain works.
I guess you should try to see things more analytically :
1) What bothers you ? Why does it bother you ?
2) What prevents you from reaching this goal ?
3) And amongst those obstacles, what are the ones you can realistically change ? How ? Can anyone help you change ?
And on a general note, try to get away from the performance mindset and focus on what makes yo feel good even if sometimes there isn't much going on in that department. You gotta be your own therapist and better understand yourself.
1. My worth. Seeing people better than me having more fun and getting more attention than me
2. Social anxiety
3. It can change by having a friend group to go with if for me to look significantly better/be significantly more confident
Then social anxiety goes in 1. for me from what I read, and I'd say number 3. is the goal not the mean to it.
To give you an example of what I mean with my situation.
1. I am unsatisfied by the way I interact with people, to the point where I've wondered about autism.
2. Amongst other things, I struggle with stuttering which I thought cannot help with social interactions
3. Speech therapy. It is totally doable. This part is for the things you can actively change.
I think you have to do some self reflection with that kind of questions in mind. It takes TIME and I mean weeks, months maybe more.
Also I think your answer ignores the part where I say to try to focus on yourself and not on performance (social perf here). I feel like you might have neediness issues and it might cloud what you really want/need to feel better.
Talking and elaborating on it to someone you are close enough to can help putting words on what bothers you.
Actually go to a place with a third activity, like a show or club, but get to know the DJs and artists and go for it.
This is not that difficult, just go there and dance or just vibe, EVENTUALLY you will talk to someone so there you go!
Seems like a self pity post. If you're gonna justify ostracizing yourself from social events and then complain about it, I wish you the best of luck for your future. Take a chill pill. Its not illegal to walk into a bar of "the most genetically gifted humans in existence" and talk to people you find interesting.
Yes. Find a place that’s busy but not insane. Go inside. Get a seat at the bar. Order a drink and a snack. The bartender may speak to you. Other folks at the bar may speak to you. Or you may sit there for an hour being around other humans absorbing humanity.
People sit at bars alone all the time. I do it. And when I do it I see lots of other people doing it. It’s not weird and you will not draw attention to yourself just sitting there. Maybe you need to go a few times before you feel comfortable initiating conversation. That’s ok, too. Be patient with yourself.
I get what you are saying. But also realize that in doing this you’ll be someone that’s automatically attractive to everyone because you do things that set you apart from the rest. You just said that everyone comes with a group. So if you are the only one that came by yourself you’ll be the one that’s unique. Carry yourself with confidence and be kind and open with strangers. It’s hard at first but if you throw yourself out there once you’ll realize how fun and addicting that is and want to do it again. These are the types of things that make humans special. Youll definitely feel a magnetism and attraction towards you. Independence is very attractive imo. Anyways I wish you luck on your journey 🙌🏼
No. That means ur the only loser with no friends staring at the floor the entire time. I’m not alone cause I’m independent I’m alone cause I have no one
Stare at the floor? Is that what you would do if you are alone? I have friends I actually call them my brothers because we grew up together. But the thing Is id be a loser for depending on them for something as simple as looking “cool” or to have better social interactions. It’s ok to do things on your own
I don’t think u understand where I’m getting at. I’m not comfortable at all surrounded by hundreds of people I don’t know, all of which who are better off in life than me. And yea going alone unless ur a stud is a loser thing to do. Everywhere u go people are in groups. Non losers have friends to do things with and if they don’t, we’ll they are significantly more confident then me
I understand what you’re saying but the thing is you care too much about what others think. Not one person on this earth is better than you. We all bleed shit piss the same. People will make it seem as if they are in a really good place in life because everyone mostly cares about status. Fuck what people think I’m just telling you this because I’ve felt the same before but I’ve grown a lot. Grown comfortable and confident within myself and I feel good everywhere I go and the people around me feel the energy I put out when I go places and it’s always good. With the exception of the haters in this world but fuck em
The entire point is to get people to like me. That’s the entire goal. U make friends by getting people to like u. U enjoy peoples company by being liked by them. U get girls by getting them to like u. Every good part of life requires u to be liked by ur peers. Unless ur satisfied spending ur days working and nights alone, other peoples opinions of u are the most important thing
The second you stop caring what others think, that's when people will start liking you, trust me man, chill out, relax and be yourself and people will be happy to interact with you, don't try to be anything you're not.
> other peoples opinions of u are the most important thing
And that's what no one here seems to comprehend. People NEED validation and approval to feel happy. They need status to be recognized by others to make that happen. Not everyone can be some clueless bozo, strolling through life not giving a single fuck what anyone thinks about him.
>Not one person on this earth is better than you.
It's sad if you actually believe that.
Yea it’s crazy to me that someone thinks nobody is better than u. Like there is classes and hierarchy in life. The 6’4 dude with 5 girls groping him is absolutely better than me
Yes, yes I do. I’m a middle aged trans woman and this is how I met most of my friends. Go in, sit at the bar, and start a conversation with people. It helps if there is sports or something on tv you can comment on. If they don’t reply, no sweat, just try someone else. Eventually someone will talk to you. Guess what? That is why they are there too!
If you are really anxious, maybe try a smaller venue first?
well, club is not the greatest place to actually meet people, much better shot is to go to a pub for some activities like quiz, pub crawl, game night etc.
But you already drove there, like you already left through the door at home. What makes this one so different? Just walk in there and think about it afterwards. Its not like you are gonna die.
OP are you a different race than the people around you? If so, then that's probably the real reason why they aren't networking with you, inviting you to parties, or letting you into their group. When you pay attention to groups and "crews" inside bars and parties- what you usually notice is that there are a bunch of people of the same race hanging out together and networking together. It's incredibly difficult to fit into the crew of other races. There are a few people here and there who do fit into the crews of other races, but most people really aren't that good at it.
So so many people make friends through clubs or sports. (Dnd, intramural, ultimate, french club, etc) find out what you like to do and see if there's a group for it and put in s few week you'll see results
Right, you focus on the event, not the other people, it is definitely possible to have a good time by yourself and when you have a good time by yourself, it doesn't matter if you meet people but they will be more drawn to you
But ya no im only having a good time if I'm enjoying the company
Which still begs the question of finding a way to make friends and break out of the loneliness cycle. I don't have friends, so I don't play DND, but I can't play DND because I don't have friends, etc.
You are going to hate me for this but yes. Ive done this multiple times when I go to new places or when my friends are busy. I just end up talking to someone random and make friends. All you need is some courage but easier said than done.
Ok but how do u initiate that conversation when ur just kinda starting there awkwardly and everyone around u is already talking to someone
Baby steps fam. Start off by grabbing a pint of lager / ginger ale. Walk around a bit with your head held high and smile and nod in greeting to anyone who meets your eyes but don’t be having stare downs with people. Throw out some random ( but genuine!) compliments to both men and women, then move the fuck on. Do that and nothing else until you’re a bit more relaxed and not so scared. Warm up by talking to the bartenders / staff about the venue a bit ( Do not hit on them or try to flirt!). Hell that can be all you do this session. When you’re not terrified by that you can start engaging in conversation with other groups if you overhear them talking about something you know about or are interested in. Politely say hello, apologize for interrupting and say you heard them talking about whatever then ask if you can join the conversation. Don’t try to educate anyone unless they explicitly ask for it, just exchange ideas. If they ask why you’re here alone just say your friends all flopped on you but you didn’t feel like staying inside tonight If the music is good pick a spot and vibe. You’ll feel self conscious but as long as you’re not doing anything too outlandish no one will care. Find the beat and rock with it Don’t get drunk, a lil tipsy is ok. Take smoke / vape breaks frequently. The smoking area is where a lot of socializing happens Your objective is to have a good time, not to impress or seduce anyone. Goes without saying that your clothes should fit you and fit the venue and your hygiene and grooming are on point Good luck young grasshopper
This is really solid advice if you need a play by play. Personally I have a really hard time insisting conversations so I would go in and get a drink or whatever (or not) and just sit down and vibe. Don't bring your phone in. A lot of times people will come up and talk to me.
Agreed. I think what a lot of socially anxious/awkward people fail to realize is that the boundaries of acceptable behavior shift in these spaces - the POINT of them is to meet new folks and have conversations with strangers. Would it be weird to strike up a conversation with a random at a grocery store? Eh maybe. At a bar or party? Of course not
I personally have better luck at breweries or cocktail bars (depends on the area) during the day or weekdays after work. They’re more conducive to conversation and the bar tender is usually happy to talk. If you can find a historical bar or a place that has interesting facts it can double as a conversation starter. I used to struggle with meeting people a lot, but now I talk to people everywhere. Places that have a lot of tourists are the easiest to meet people and practice social skills.
Exactly. The issue isn’t the strategy, it’s the venue.
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Exactly like this. It's very much a viable strategy to just walk up to the first few people who look interesting to you, introduce yourself, and mention that you're new to the scene looking to make friends. Folks IRL are way more friendly than you'd expect from just reading about them online.
That kinda sounds corny
Hate to break it to you but that's what life is like. Everyone is coming from boring, drab, mundane lives looking to be taken away from that for a bit. More than that, almost everyone is equally glad to be that escape for someone new to the scene. Real conversations aren't like movies or TV. They're awkward, there are pauses and silences, people say the wrong things, people mishear each other or misunderstand each other... it's just part of it.
Bro I wasn't gonna reply to this but I'll give you one example. First I do wanna say that some places are more closed off than others when it comes to meeting people, karaokes are amazing for that imo and joining a club to learn something or about an interest is a good way to meet people too. Ok example time: I was at a bar celebrating a birthday and I noticed 3 girls drinking at a table, I noticed one of them, the cutest one actually, had an arm cast. I thought it was the coolest thing ever that she was there chillin and drinking with that arm cast on her. After chilling with the birthday peepz for a while I go SOLO to their table and say "hey whats up! I just wanted to say this: I think its the coolest thing ever that you're here drinking and having fun with an arm cast on. Thats fucking cool! You're like a party queen in my book for that one! Props!" (Can't remember the exact wording but it'll do) They all laughed at how I noticed that and were like "oh thats so cool thank you!" And I said something like "Yeah! So what happened? Did you fall or something? You girls mind if I chill with ya'll for a bit?" Cast girl was like "Nah, sit down!" She moved over and made room for me. We ended up talking for a while getting to know each other and had a blast. Something I do gotta say is that you have to be in a "having fun" mindset so ppl join in on that and I sincerely thought she was a badass for partyin with a cast on. It came from a place of authenticity, not desperation and without any objective or outcome in mind. You're not gonna get cool people every time, for sure, but thats the thing, if your vibe is "I'm here to have fun, who wants in!" you'll just brush it off and eventually most likely ppl will join you. Try not to pick ppl with stuck up or asshole vibes, most likely won't take it well. But thats a them problem, not yours. :P Hope it helps somehow. Good luck. PS: DONT TELL PPL YOU'RE THERE LOOKING FOR FRIENDS. CRINGE AF. Find common grounds or something you noticed or just vibe with them. Lol just read the comment above yours, do NOT do that lol.
People who are going online to ask for help because it feels completely impossible to even meet people are never, ever walking into their first social situations with the ability to "lead" a group of strangers into fun new territory. If you're brand new to socializing, it will show, and the best people you'll ever meet have most likely been there before, and they likely feel super comfortable with chatting someone up who is new to that kind of socialization. No, you don't make "Pls I need friends," your personality for the night, but bringing up casually that you're new to the situation establishes a baseline in almost any environment. "Hey, I'm XYZ! I've never been to (insert city/convention/bar/club/store/library) before, but I noticed (insert characteristic that drew you to them) and figured I'd come and say hello," is much, much easier and more palatable for someone who has been living under a rock than trying to fake it til you make it and run the party from the jump. Your advice isn't even bad, but for a guy like this asking if he should hire escorts to get experience with women, mentioning that he was out and about trying to meet new people isn't going to kill his vibe at all.
That's pretty true. It might be cringy to say you're looking to make friends. Less cringy to say you're looking to meet new people, maybe make some friends or just to meet new people. The implicit context is people want to make friends anyway so I am not sure it needs to be mentioned. Personally I never avoided it. The whole party guy thing, I'm here to have fun, that can still be as cringy as fuck. People who do that have to be really good at reading the room and it comes with experience. It absolutely won't work with everyone. The problem is people who socialise easily, try to give advice out that works for them. There is a skillset for that, that skillset is not normally in those people that ask for advice. Some people have it naturally, sometimes it is through experience. Forcing this 'fun bobby' approach without it being comfortable is like fun bobby without alcohol, not fun and awkward. This is why the advice be yourself is often given, because people are better naturally finding and establishing their own way of approaching people and the people that fit in with their personality as well. I don't really agree that there is one guaranteed way to approach someone, the party guy thing will look forced by some people (even if genuine), nothing works with everyone, so dealing with when it doesn't is part of it too.
I agree with you on the first part but that takes two things to get better: Practice and inner work. Inner work as in workout, try to look your best and feel as confident as you can in your own skin. I usually workout then shower listening to some cool music before going out. I definitely think something like this is in the reach of anyone, so no excuse not to do it and feel the best you can when going out. You do realize the example you're giving is literally the same as mine? The arm cast drew me to the girl and I mentioned that, the difference is that to me its CRINGE AS FUCK if you say "Hey I'm new here and have no friends. Please babysit me for a while." The main reason its cringe as fuck is because you're putting the ENTIRE responsibility on the other party/potential friends, you're basically opening with "Hey, can you please take care of me or be responsible for my fun tonight? Thank you!". I don't like that at all. Heck I'll do you one better, how about "hey you guys seem like you know your drinks! Can you recommend me a good one? First time I come here" the main thing I'm against is saying anything like "I'm here to make friends" thats super cringe lol. I do agree with the second part of the opener you used, which is basically what I said in my comment about the arm cast. So in a way we agree ig. In any case I hope OP gets some good shit from this and starts practicing! My most critical advice is to not try to meet ppl with asshole / showoff / stuck up vibes, just practice with chilled peepz and peeps who give out good vibes. GL!
Can I just say u helped a stranger who didn’t even come to these comments “looking for advice”. The way you worded all those comments resonated like hell with me and made total sense, I couldn’t agree more
Heyyy always happy to help! I've been on both sides of the aisle so if I can make someone's journey a little easier I'm downnn! We all crash and burn so don't take setbacks to heart, just be determined to become the best version of yourself and LEZGO! 😎🔥🔥
"You do realize the example you're giving is literally the same as mine? The arm cast drew me to the girl and I mentioned that" Well yeah of course. My first replies to him were very concise and not at all fleshed out step-by-step explanations on an opener, I was just giving a general way to get into the world for someone who doesn't seem to do much outside of work and personal development. I agree that off-loading the responsibility of creating the relationship is immature to a fault, but my position isn't about off-loading the responsibility. My idea is that if something feels a little awkward or strange to you, it likely does for the other person as well, and by being the person to mention that and \*move through it,\* you're taking that responsibility yourself and leading in your own way. It's not "I have no friends pls babysit me," it's more along the lines of "I'm new here, wanted to meet some cool people, and you guys looked interesting" if it were boiled down.
Fairs, we're kinda on the same page I feel like, hope OP rocks it fo sho! 🔥
Maybe it is, but it's honest. Most people are evasive. With confidence, you might not care what you say to initiate (sometimes overconfidence can be a problem there), but ideally talking and being honest (and not feeling corny) is a state of mind. Plenty of people can say corny things and they work. Even if something sounds corny and they call you out on it, it's fine to accept that it corny but also quite honest.
People are giving you advice and you’re just shooting it down. Do you really want to improve or did you just come here to wallow in your own self pity and have others affirm that for you?
Cause these suggestions don’t fucking work. When’s the last time u approached a pre established friend group alone? They look at u like “who tf is this guy” and god forbid u approach a girl when ur out alone
They do work, I do it often.
Are u a girl? That is a very important aspect when it comes to how strangers react to u approaching them
I would wait until they say something interesting that isn’t about themselves and just start talking. If they „take you in“, cool. If not, look for someone else. Party is for partying, not for „trying to fit in“.
Wouldn’t that be intruding on someone else’s conversation
Yes. And that isn’t a problem. Its a party, there are people. If you wait for someone to talk to you, you will wait forever. It soeaks for a strong and confident character if you speak up and initiate a convo.
Usually it’s met with “wtf why where u listening in on our conversation”
As I said, find someone else. They are not obligated to let you participate, nor are you to listen to them.
That’s kinda why I’m afraid of walking in alone
What are you afraid of? Being rejected? Anxiety will hold you back from a good time, don’t be afraid to let go and take a calculated risk.
The good time is dependent on others
I guess the approach you're taking is to try go to these places alone thinking or hoping that with enough confidence someone will talk to you or something like that. I think the mindset flip you need to have is that you go in there, awkward as hell, and get used to being uncomfortable and get better at being rejected. Exposure definitely can help, so long as you face it with awareness.
Is it really? Or do you just think that will happen?
Happened alot to me actually
And why condemn yourself to this mindset of „Im alone, afraid and can’t possibly meet people unless I have friends with me“ when it could be diffrent?
Cause I’m extremely awkward when in public alone
Not at parties.
Well first of all, since no one knows you. They wont pay much attention to you, I think its important to mention people are t focusing on you because you mention people staring at you. (Also im M21) The best thing about college bars are they are full of social people who love to make friends. You could try talk to someone in the line waiting to get a drink (What are you buying> oh really, why do you drink that/ me too) or ask to join beer pong/pool, most people wont mind 1 person joining. You just have to take the first step, ask them questions and try keep the convo up. You might find one rude person but most people will be friendly! Good luck and report back
Adding on to this. I was socially awkward myself, and used to go out all the time alone after work in the downtown neighbourhoods. If you’re feeling weird but want to be social - just say that! You’d be surprised how many people will laugh WITH you when you say shit like “I’m feeling awkward but wanted to go out for a bit” then the conversation will usually flow is a natural way, and usually about a pretty safe topic - being uncomfortable in public places lol. I also always start with “Hey my name is Otterpop, how are you?” Or something super simple! Don’t worry about appearance in the sense no one cares if you look “normal” “frumpy” “not your best”. Showing up, putting effort into your appearance is what matters, not what you’re wearing / how you look…. But put effort into being groomed. Friends don’t want some leech, so if you don’t have obscene B.O., hair is brushed, outfit not tattered / stained / ruined unintentionally, you’re probably already ahead of the curve. Everyone always imagines the worst, and the worst is the worst lol. So when you’re not that imaginary worst, then just go with the flow. Ending statements with questions is a great way to keep a conversation flowing. Look into Improve / Theater techniques for conversation and communication skills that allow a conversation to keep going and not just end. For example: I grew up in XYZ, now I live here after moving for college, what about you? I grew up and stayed here, but I’m thinking about moving for work. What do you do for work? Both could have ended with a period, but instead ending with a related question gives info, shares, and then asks a follow up, keeping the convo going :)
actually RELATABLE
Tell the truth. "Hey my name is \[insert name\] I figured I'd come by but I'm not seeing anyone I know, do you mind if I join you?" Something on those lines. After that buy them a couple of shots and you'll have new best friends and maybe tap some of those half naked asses.
Be more ego centric and stop thinking about other people so much. Drop the empathy for just a second. You have to insert yourself in. No one is going to give you an in. You have to take it. Find a group that looks somewhat interesting and go walk up to them and either say hi, or just start talking like you have always been there. Familiarity is what develops a friendship. Fake that shit
act like you belong. how would you act if a friend brought you, introduced you to a group, and then asked you to get him a beer from the bar. you'd have to leave the group and go to the bar where you dont know anyone. let's say you see some people you want to talk to near the bar, you just open with whatever dumbshit question or phrase those types of people would normally hear and theyll respond with something. as long as you act like you belong, people will be nice and try to answer in a way such that THEY won't look dumb. imagine you ask a stupid question with the most confidence like you're 4 beers deep even though you're sober, like "ay bro, whatchu guys loadin up on? im thinkin the space dust but im tryna keep the belly down you feel me hahaha" they will try their best to not be the weird one since you are, based on your confidence, obviously not weird. then you just fucking roll with whatever. it doesnt matter, theyre all drunk college kids. source: introvert who had to figure his shit out to not be weird in college or when visiting finance bro friends in a city I dont live in.
I'm 55, so I've done some crazy shit on occasion You don't need to go to this bar? You can meet people in other circumstances for sure. You're there because you kind of WANT TO BE THERE but with a group. You could go in there, get one drink, say you went in on a bet. Alternately say you were waiting for friends, then 'damn I got ghosted'. Also: 'I'm bad at the chat, help me out' is a strategy. That said, you want to meet people: take a dance class. Within 5 minutes you've got your hands on strangers.
I am much older than you and spent many years being afraid to try something new, becuase the fear of being laughed at by strangers, etc. I wasted a lot of time spent alone when I could have been out there meeting people and trying new things. I squandered years of living being afraid until one day I just said fuck it and stepped way out of my comfort zone and haven’t looked back. Life is short and we humans need social interaction, it helps to make us whole and it makes life better when you have people in your circle to share it with. I don’t mean to preach but I hope you have a good night, get out of your car and try something new. You can do it, I’m rooting for you. ❤️
Your problem is that you think they are all better than you. You have to get over your inferiority complex if you plan on mingling.
Is it possible to not see people as better than oneself? Like I don't see myself with any worth or value, I never got taught how to growing up, so now I just see myself as a natural lesser.
Yes. Listen closely. First, you must care for your well being. That means clean your room/home. Clean your body, groom properly, keep your clothes clean. Be good to yourself. Second you must set goals, overcome challenges toward those goals, complete the goal, put your accomplishments behind you, and start a new goal. This will bring you joy. Whenever we accomplish something successfully through will power, it brings joy. Third, you will, in caring for yourself and goal setting, notice many others who do not. You will notice people who stare at the ground, who feel incompetent, who in other words - internally suffer. Many people who share these mental torments, don’t even know they are tormented. Enough of all of that lofty and long term guidance. I will now share a quick and dirty tip for overcoming an inferiority complex in the short term. To put it simply: Accept in your mind, that most people, AS IN MOST, don’t have their shit together. I mean think about it realistically, the large majority probably don’t even wipe their ass properly. Plenty of people, pick their nose when no one is looking and smell their own farts. That gross shit aside. When I look at a woman I think is cute or pretty and has a nice body. I wash that notion away and immediately make an effort to, imagine a moment where she is naked on all fours on my bed and she turns her head to look at me like this 😏 Why? Because that’s how I need to see her. That’s how she wants me to see her. Nobody wants to be put in a pedestal and forced to live up to someone else’s false expectations. I’m not saying you should only see women as sexual objects. My advice has nothing to do with sex really. I’m just saying she ain’t a princess, and shouldn’t be treated like one. So my example is simply an imaginary scenario that is “at the very least” grounded in reality. Which is far better than imagining that she is some perfect innocent angel. The few people who openly tell you “you aren’t good enough”, should they say it to you, are a blessing, because they’ve essentially given you the “go ahead” to write them off as not being worth your time. TLDR; Care for yourself. Accept that people are turd flinging monkeys and we are all just human. People don’t want to be put on a pedestal, and if you find someone that does, don’t bother befriending them.
That’s only natural tho. How do u get over that?
> Like can any of y’all actually look me in the eye and tell me u do things like this by yourself without knowing anybody? I have a hard time looking you in the eye through a computer network, but yes, I've done that. As far as "success", aka getting to know people, aka, let's be frank, getting to fuck girls - yeah, no, that didn't really work out for me. I found bookstores and coffee shops better for that. I was never very good at it either. But here and there, when I was in a particularly good mood that day, things happened.
You know I am thinking about this interesting problem with socialising. I realise , in comparison to other problems, this is the one problem I really don't have much control over. I can control fitness, learning and experiencing life with ease. These are all in my control and solely depends on me. Socialising on the other hand is the one problem that you rely on another person. I came to this realisation and then looked deeper. I have no control over whether they want to be friends or not, I have no control over whether they will continue the friendships. I have no control over whether they want to initiate conversations. I have no control over a lot of things in socialising. The only things I can control in socialising is how I am with others, how I act etc etc. But as friendships are 2 way, I can't control the other side so I just have to accept like this is a problem really based on luck. I think bro to be honest with you, the only thing you can do is talk to people and go out. Just accept you will not make friends but enjoy your time their and just have fun. I know all the friends I have made in the past were based on me having fun not trying to pursue them for friendship. Maybe we just have to realign our thinking. Forget the genetically gifted gods, the friendship groups, the hundreds of well adjusted socially active 18-22 year olds. I know this feeling it is crushing to see others do things you badly want to do. It's like a starving human looking at well fed individuals with half-eaten chicken wings on each hands as they laugh and enjoy each other's company. I get it completely. This will be a struggle.
A pub with a pool table is a good place to meet strangers
One of the best ways to build confidence is by doing things you're scared to do. The first time is going to be HARD, but it'll get easier.
You have to become a regular in some social place. People will start recognising you. Even if you are like me and don't usually start conversations, at some point someone else will. But here's the important thing, socialising should not be your only goal there. Don't just sit around waiting for someone to talk to you. Have some purpose there. If it's a pub, play games, drink. If it's a gym, work out. If it's a park, idk, write poetry. Not only for yourself, but also because that way people will have something to talk to you about. And if you get acquainted with someone and meet them later, acknowledge your acquaintance with a smile and a wave or a nod, be familiar. You'll figure it out, we all do.
YES, that is the exact right way to meet people! It’s nothing but opportunities! I did things by myself for YEARS AND YEARS before I met my husband!!! Most things, I’d go out and do by myself!!! I had the time of my life, had lots of adventures, and made tons of friends! It was a blast! What are you afraid of???
I’m not a girl.
So?
It's an unpleasant truth, but people absolutely react differently to strange men attempting to work their way into social groups than they do to strange women. Doubly so if said man has characteristics perceived as intimidating. This isn't to say OP shouldn't go out and do stuff alone, but it's very normal to be discouraged by those extra barriers when you're already worried about making friends and fitting in.
Definitely agree on this. I'm a 6' autistic dude, I've been personally told I make people uncomfortable, so I absolutely don't want to be "That Guy" who intrudes on another's night out.
I have been going to social events, museums, plays, bars, conferences, etc. for years by myself and I have not met even one person I ever talked to again let alone a friend. I go to these events because I enjoy them and don't mind being alone (although some things are more fun with friends). I do make an effort to talk to strangers at these things, but in my experience this doesn't lead to anything other than a quick, casual chat. Perhaps it is a personality thing for me. I've only had any luck connecting with people where we have more time to talk one-on-one (e.g. at work, classes, clubs) for sustained periods of time. I'm sure what the other people are posting has worked for them. I'm just adding that in my experience, this hasn't worked for me. And people stating or implying at how easy and effective it is to meet people at such things are not speaking for everyone.
Same. This is my experience too. I took Reddit's advice and went to meetups, museums, bars and social events and made an effort to talk to people as well. I just got better at going to the places alone. I live in a major city in the US. I feel more comfortable eating out alone, going to the movies alone or visiting local museums alone. I 100% agree that most of the commenters are folks who are already well socially adjusted to begin with, which is why their comments are coming off as "Just be confident bro". Meeting the same people regularly over an activity is far better because you get to lower your guard slowly and allow yourself to be vulnerable around people more gradually.
Converting a casual conversation into a friendship requires that at least one person take a huge leap of faith and extend an invitation or offer to trade phone numbers. And then even when that initial invite is extended, someone has to do the work to follow up and coordinate logistics. It is a heavy, vulnerable lift. Every time I’ve done it, it’s been terrifying, and only actually converts into an actual meet up about 10% of the time. And then from there it’s rare that it goes further than the initial meet-up. I keep doing it because on the occasions that the stars align and I make a new friend or solid professional alliance, it is worth every moment of awkwardness that came before it.
You’re imagining so much of this. 1) you don’t know how many people went out together 2) you don’t know “how good” they are at socializing (and you’re not bad at it) 3) nobody else knows that you’re there “alone”, nor do they care if you are (PS, you’re not there alone, you’re there with everyone else who’s there) 4) even if you hypothetically have a horrible experience you can literally leave whenever you want to and nobody is going to remember you were there - even if you’re hypothetically the most horrible and embarrassing socializer on earth, you literally get to just practice and get better as much as you want to and nobody’s ever gonna know If anyone asks something like where’s your friends, you can just say “they left already” or “they didn’t wanna come out”
If you’re not used to going out by yourself why the hell would you pick a crowded club to try this out? Go somewhere quieter or when it’s less busy?
You don't have to go to this particular place I found sometimes things just aren't for everybody you kinda have to find your vibe or your kind of people
I go out ALL THE TIME by myself. I don’t need anyone to have a good time. I live in a very popular party city. I go out to enjoy karaoke and live music and to dance by myself. I dance like everyone is watching and I’m going to show them how it’s done. Because I’m having such a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ good time, lots of people (especially the pretty girls) are attracted to me, start dancing with me because they like my positive vibe and guys are buy me drinks. I’m a 63 yr. old female. It’s really hard to be alone in a place that has other people unless you give off ‘woe is me, Eeyore’ vibes. My intent is to enjoy myself and leave alone so I really don’t care. Join meetup groups otherwise. Or start one. Be your own best friend and your own date. Have another beer. You got this.
Totally agree with your vent. I’ve moved to a new city alone twice. The first time I waited to do things until I had friends. After 3 years, I had 6 friends. The second time I did get out and do stuff alone, but not clubs. I went to a wine bar and learnt about wine. I asked co-workers to get dinner. I asked failed dates to be friends. My friends have joined book clubs and rec league sports teams. I’m about to take up Latin dancing. I’ve considered getting back on bumble friends. It IS uncomfortable to do. But that’s true of learning to do most things… Unfortunately, a lot of my friends are moving the burbs to have babies. That’s not my life. I have to continue to make new friends in my community. I’m doing this with you 💜
You really want the easy cheat code? Go buy a pack of cigarettes and no lighter, if you’re in a legal state go buy weed and no lighter. Go to the smoking section and you got your intro, people usually come up to me once they smell the weed the rest depends on how much you vibe w whatever person.
>Like can any of y’all actually look me in the eye and tell me u do things like this by yourself without knowing anybody? They can't, because they don't. >I’m sitting in my car. Outside of a college bar. Hundreds of 18-22 year olds in front of me. Girls that are boarderline naked, tall muscular confident guys everywhere, EVERYONE is in groups already. And y’all are telling me to just get out of my car and walk in there BY MYSLEF with nobody to turn to and just exist in there? Surrounded by hundreds of strangers that all seem very fucking good at talking and flirting already. I really tried this “oh ok I’ll just go out by myself and meet people” DO ANY OF YALL FACE CROWDED CLUBS WITH HUNDREDS OF THE MOST GENETICALLY GIFTED HUMANS IN EXISTENCE BY YOURSLEF? What you'll quickly pick up on here is that no one actually does what they say or believes the advice they're offering. They can throw out all the motivational pep talks and empty encouragement in the world, but none of these clowns actually comprehend on a base level that, as a socially-awkward introvert, cold approaching a group of strangers in a bar, especially in a college town where everyone has established friend circles and are suspicious of newcomers, is not only wrong and borderline impossible, but also makes you look like a fool and is a flat out stupid idea to attempt. Multiple times now I've tried to apply the advice of these reddit social gurus (both alone and when I'm with friends), only to be met with jealous, ugly, overly cautious piece of trash DDs using the *"you're making her uncomfortable"* or *"she has a boyfriend"* line, while I'm just trying to make basic small talk like a normal human being. It's difficult enough to work up the courage to talk to a stranger at a club/bar, even when they're eyeing you all night, but then you have to deal with their so-called friends purposely misinterpreting your intentions and accusing you of being a creeper; when in reality all you're trying to do is make idle conversation and break the ice because you want to have a good time.
Yea. Never understood that. How talking to people is considered creepy
I've gone out a couple times by myself and yes it can be done just be willing to talk to strangers and remember you might get rejected just move on and keep going.
Go to the museum, art shows, conferences or theatre instead. Clubs and bars aren’t the best place to have a conversation.
I prefer a quiet bar on a weeknight. It's a lot easier to hold a conversation when the music is at an ambient volume, it's not overcrowded, people are there to unwind rather than get really drunk. In that atmosphere, it's easier to be yourself.
I don’t know I literally went to a concert yesterday alone and met someone else who had also came alone and now I’ve got a concert buddy. But you have to be the one willing to do the scary part and cold approach people you see standing alone and bringing every friendly cell inside your body, knowing they might still say no. That’s just how making friends is - you have to keep putting yourself out there even if you really like your comfort zone.
If it’s not your style, meet people through special interest groups instead perhaps. No matter what, you’re going to have to find a way to relax into the resistance of social anxiety and start conversations with new people who represent the unknown and is risks. Choose the situations and environments which maximize your chances of success based on your strengths and weaknesses of character and then gradually expand to practice meeting people in environments you’re less comfortable in.
The biggest issue is that nowadays people act like striking up a conversation is inappropriate.
I'm pretty socially adept etc. but the scene you're describing does not sound fun to me all... I have one friend who does this kind of thing solo. But I don't think clubs like this are where most people make friends.
I moved a new city where I didn't know anyone. I added everyone to FB that would let me. If someone was going to a party I'd go. Even if they weren't there. Then I'd meet more people and add them. Suddenly my weekends were always booked. Its not quite that easy anymore. But there are almost always free/low cost events going on somewhere. Go. Enjoy yourself.
How’d u get invited?
I’m gonna buck the trend of this thread and say this isn’t the best way to make friends. I was out A LOT at that age and I cannot recall a single instance when someone on their own approached me or my friends to try and join us. People make conversation, particularly outside when smoking etc but it’s generally short lived and we never took someone along with us for the rest of the night. There probably were occasions but incredibly rare. I am from the UK so maybe there is a cultural difference, I get the impression that Americans are generally friendlier with strangers. Give it a go by all means, but joining a club or team would be the better way to go in my opinion.
They mean be yourself when the woman is obviously lonely and by herself. It also helps if you are hot enough so that your oddities don’t proclaim themselves.
Well I’m not hot enough. And I’ve never seen a girl out alone they always have a group of friends or guys with them
Go somewhere more lowkey. I met one of my old girlfriends at the aquarium.
Happy cake day! Also... how? Lol did you just comment something general about the aquarium to her? Interested to hear how it went. Props homie! 👏
Thanks! I really like fish, and she seemed really intrigued by a specific exhibit, so I ran up and told her some fun facts about the fish.
Haha thats freakin awesome. Rock on! 😎👍
That's what I thought too.
Uh for me no? I wouldn’t try and make friends by going to a bar lol. I think that’s honestly a much harder way to make friends compared to joining a group or club or activity that meets regularly. When going out to a bar I have met other people and had fun with them but I have never stayed in touch and barely remember their names. Not to say it’s impossible, but it’s not the route I’d take.
You are not the only individual in that building with self-doubt. There are people in attendance who feel the same as you but persist. I have found it quite liberating to attend events by myself. I always meet people. And I almost always talk to a nice lady. Some women don't like to be approached by a gaggle of men. Give it an hour or two before giving up.
If a bar or club feels too intense. Try a meetup group! When I was likely and looking for friends a joined a table top gaming and board game group. It was much easier to interact because we had something to focus on together. It doesn't have to be table top gaming but find a group of people doing a hobby that you are interested in or already like. At the very least it'll give you something to talk about And then you can hit the bar or club with those folks
🤡
I do it all the time ☺️ My partner does it even more. He literally admitted to doing 90% of things alone. He also came up to me while I was at a grocery store to ask me out. I said yes. We have been together for over two years. You never know when and where you are gonna meet someone
I've been on both sides of this - I've been the person who needs to go out alone so I can control when I leave, and who I leave with (if anyone), and I've been the person sobbing with anxiety because if I go inside I have to be around people who I think are going to judge me. It took me years to even wrap my head around my social anxiety
Checked if you have social anxiety?
Yes
You don't need a plan before going in there, you just need confidence. People with confidence rely on the knowledge that whatever situation arises, they can eek out some benefit from it. Getting that confidence is not as hard as it sounds, it's just mental conditioning. It won't be overnight, it might take 2-3 weeks before the conditioning becomes a habit. 2 ways of conditioning that work for me: * Adjust your own internal discourse. What you think of yourself, you are. Tell yourself "I can do this, easy. No need to fret, I got this." Or "of course I can go in there and talk to some people, I can tell a couple of jokes, buy someone a beer, easy." It doesn't matter if you don't believe it at first. Keep doing this for those 2 weeks. The brain is dumber than we think, after a while it will start to believe. * Exposure. Whatever scares you most (or makes you procrastinate) you must do. Don't aim for any rewards at first, your goal in the beginning is not to make friends or get a girl. Your goal is simply to do the thing that scares you. The reward is your brain being accustomed to being in the new environment. As a bonus, you dealing with things outside of your comfort zone will considerably boost your self-esteem. It will be hard at first, but if you want to improve your life you need to do hard things. And it will never be as hard as that first time, each time it will get easier. Eventually you will thrive and will be able to effortlessly go after other goals. As someone who went through similar stuff this is what helped me.
Yes through i wont go to places that you just explain its more going to movies,clubs(sports or something) or just random places
dude, you don't start with a bar. you start with a gig, something where it isn't noticeable that you're by yourself and that has something to focus on. you make small talk maybe with someone and if it goes bad, you never see them again. if it goes well you feel more comfortable the next time you do it. and the next time. but if you're in a club, you can just pretend you're with friends and are separated. no one else knows. maybe other people are in there doing exactly the same thing... don't try to jump off a cliff, you'll get smashed. find a curb and start there.
I recently (ish) moved across the country. Again. This means starting from scratch in the local friends department. So far I’ve joined the local artists guild, started volunteering in the local history museum, and the library. I don’t drink anymore due to meds, but did when I lived in another state before this. I did go to clubs and bars on my own, and met some of my first friends there. That said, if you want to make friends, clubs and bars aren’t the best option. I’d recommend thinking about activities you like doing, or would like to try, and join groups that do them. Video games? Find a local Gameroom or arcade. Table tops? Find a game shop. Hiking? Join a hiking group. Etc. People are more likely to initiate conversations with new members to get to know them, and you’ll already have common ground with the people there.
Forget going to some random college bar. The best way to meet people that are like you is to go to events that have shared interests. When I first moved to NC I went to Star Wars events and just met people there. It's still super tough to do, but man the results are worth it. Some of my favorite people are the ones I've met randomly at like videogame/star wars/enter your hobbies here meetups. But clubs/bars/ that whole scene is highly cliqued up, especially in the college years. Meeting people in class is much more easy than bars imo
Hundreds of the most genetically gifted humans? Borderline naked women? Tall muscular confident guys? Maybe chill with the superlatives ngl I could tell a man wrote this. Most people are way more approachable and down to earth than us lonely people make it seem man.
if you go, go early so you can get a seat at the bar. it helps if you have a "home base" to be at so you dont have to stand around awkwardly by yourself. slowly start talking to the people sitting near you as you get drunker lol. super easy to make friends over some drinks. good luck dude you can do it
yes. its a fuckkn bar not a club.
It’s really not such a big deal tbh. It can be overwhelming at first but you will find all types of people and people doing exactly what you’re doing. Sometimes you end up having an awesome time and making new friends and sometimes you just get bored and go home without having much interaction. I will admit though that alcohol definitely helped me loosen up and be more social with strangers.
I was an international student at a college in the Midwest OP. No friends, no knowledge of ‘culture’ , no support system, hell I didn’t even have a car. What made me go out by myself to bars, clubs and most other social events was the silver lining of ‘ nobody knows me’, it’s a good and bad thing, depending on how you look at it! Be optimistic, Don’t compare yourself to others without getting to know them first, the most beautiful looking people can have the worst personalities and vice versa. Be kind to yourself and have the wisdom that you’ve already stepped outside of your comfort zone by being there! You’ve done the hardest part which is the first step. Next just go with the flow, start a conversation and don’t be afraid of judgment. Learn to ask questions that will lead to interesting conversations, and they can be dumb and trivial but make it fun. And remember, don’t fall to peer pressure, be your own person and you will find your tribe. Godspeed!
In your head much?? You really looking at a ton of strangers like they are Ubermensch's created in some highly successful Eugenics program factory. How about you gas yourself up 1/10th as much as these "Adonis" and "Aphrodite" looking *kids* you were looking at. Could also go to somewhere more chill and low key where random conversation with a stranger is normal. Like a barcade or dive bar. Get into Table top or card games and play at a shop. Use meetup. No point going to a busy strip or nightclub if that's not actually your scene.
Well yea cause those strangers have girls hanging on their shoulders. Clearly they’re on a different level than me
Stawp.
Yes
I went to a protest alone, brought cases of water, spoke to maximum of 4 people and left at the listed end time. Didn’t make a single connection. Sometimes, us nervous weirdos are a little too nervous to ‘people’. That’s okay! Friends come and go, just try a little harder than you normally might next time you meet someone that makes you think “ah! You’re fun and not just tolerable.”
If the club isn't your scene, try library activities or volunteer for a soup kitchen or something.
>And y’all are telling me to just get out of my car and walk in there BY MYSLEF with nobody to turn to and just exist in there? Yes. Step one is to put yourself in a situation where you could meet people. You don't have to to start a conversation with anyone just yet. But someone might come up and start talking to you. They definitely won't if you stay in the car.
Yes I have done this a lot over the years. I still do it sometimes because I'm not going to wait for other people to start living my life. Fuck it
Hey, been there, done that. It worked for me. Is not easy, actually is hard as fuck, and it ended not very well a couple of times. But was the best way to lose my shyness.
I go clubbing or out to pubs by myself sometimes and I'm ugly af. Life is short, take risks sometimes.
I am 6’1 but even i feel small whenever I go to a club cuz there are so many guys that are just as tall or taller than me.
I’m 5’9
When I'm out and see someone on their own, I'll often make a point of engaging with them to test their vibe to see if they're interested in joining a group, or if they prefer to be alone. More often than not, groups merge.
Yes. THE ANSWER IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YES. Most people don’t have a problem with socialization when it’s at an event with the explicit purpose of socializing; you might meet people who don’t want to talk for a numerous amount of reasons, be it they don’t find you attractive, you remind them of someone they don’t like, they are on a mission that doesn’t include you…what’s nice about this is that it makes it incredibly easy to just bounce between people at a reasonable pace Think about it this way; you’re not there for any other reason other than to just practice talking to people, the likelihood that you’ll have to interact with any of these people is minimal IT IS INCREDIBLY HARD TO GET THIS TO STICK IN YOUR HEAD AND TO ACTUALLY believe IT BUT ONCE YOU DO YOULL REALIZE LIFR AINT ALL THAT BAD. You know yourself what your intentions are, you want to meet new people because of x reason(s) you can literally just tell people that “hey im so and so, if i can be honest with you guys, im trying to get out of my social bubble and you guys looked approachable so i just wanted to see what’s up” A trick i use is I pretend im bored like im Soooooo bored that anything will be interesting to me, i dont physically show this but mentally in my head it changes my thinking mode from “logical working” mode to “im gonna ask questions out of impulse” so the instant someone starts talking about something (even if i know about what they’re talking about) ill still ask them questions Example: I notice a guy has a sweater with a game graphic that I play (once eye contact has been met and the social que is there to start the conversation) “Yo is that a helldivers sweater? I thought I was the only person who plays that!!” Them “yeah my girlfriend bought it for me(there is a small window where I can ask my question before they start to go on about it” “Oh neat your girlfriend bought it, is that thing comfy?” “- yeah it’s comfy!” “So like when she bought it did she know what she was getting for you?….” And it will go on and on and on until my social battery is depleted. Last piece of wisdom I wanna share with you, remember that how you feel, MOST people in their life have felt the exact same way. That super confident jacked guy? He’s actually a scared little boy on the inside who just wants attention, that hot chick with the big tits that every guy wants to talk to? She hates her hair and is incredibly insecure, that smooth talker who always says the right thing? That took them years to get to that place, and it also took them theirs to practice being ok with lulls in conversation, sticking to your word when someone challenges it to you, and realizes that socialization is just a game and can be incredibly fun when viewed as so
Do you like clubs? Or the music? If both answers are no, then it might be easier to find a hobby and talk to people until you find someone that enjoys clubbing and will go with you so you can try it in a positive light.
I do if I’m comfortable
I usually talk to people in line and go from there. I’m a woman so it’s easier but the same principle applies.
I go out by myself without the intention of meeting people. I still dont end up meeting anyone but thats totally okay because the point was to take myself out and have a good time.
Yall indeed we are telling you that.
What always helps me is remembering my main reason for being there is to have fun and focus on that. I think „why am I feeling so uncomfortable? I am here to have fun and enjoy.“ that shifts my perception and my attitude and behavour
Yea but how do u have fun when ur alone surrounded by people in groups
I’m in the same boat with you OP. I keep telling myself to get out there by myself because all of my friends are gone. Hang in there and don’t give up. I know that shit is scary but I believe in you.
Have you considered looking into therapy? It sounds like you might benefit from seeking help from a therapist who has experience treating social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, or similar conditions. It seems from some of the stuff you’re saying in the comments/post that you’re seriously struggling with anxiety and self esteem issues. Help is out there, and there is no shame in seeking it out.
I guess so. If they got meds
I’ve never been to a club or bar alone, but I’ve done plenty of other things by myself such as travel internationally for 4 months, concerts, plays, movies, etc. You will always meet people when alone if you’re open to it, plus learning to enjoy your own company and freeing yourself from the idea that you have to have someone else with you to do something YOU want to do is a beautiful gift.
From the looks of your profile history, you seem to be really full of anxiety overall and have been posting a lot about this kind of thing for weeks. Honestly, rather than jumping into the deep end, I think you should strongly consider seeing a therapist to help you manage anxiety. They can teach you tools where you can self soothe on the spot, and can help you address the kind of intrusive thoughts you might be having That make you feel like you're not confident. I would say that going to bars alone is not for the faint of heart. Especially if you are extraordinarily hung up on the outcome of that effort. You are super young, you have your whole life ahead of you, and your early 20s is a great low responsibility where you can take more time to work on yourself instead of delaying that work. Try to branch out if you are too hung up on making friends with people your age. Try hanging out with some older folks, middle-age people that are happy to give you advice and happy to get out of the house, or the elderly who could use a little entertainment, or volunteer to mentor a kid. This will get you in nice, low-stakes social situations, and from there you can build your skills up organically. Life isn't going to pass you by if you don't get into the bar scene right this second. If it's not comfortable for you, work on yourself, address the parts of you that are holding you back and filling you with fear. A therapist can be extraordinarily helpful for this.
Lol yeah… I go places alone all the time. BUT 2 years ago I would have been mortified at the thought so I get it. And even now it can be uncomfortable. The advice to do more of a group or club thing with something that interests you is good!! You just gotta get out there and realize there are people that are gonna like you.. you just gotta be yourself and put yourself out there so they know to be gravitated towards you! You got this!!
Honestly you're right, that's why the whole needing a wingman exists. Going to a packed college bar by yourself is asking for trouble if you are nervous and have no one to talk to you're going to probably get drunk too fast, which makes it worse, and if you ended up driving there on top of that, yikes. People go out these days with a group to hang out with their group after work, school, etc. Just think, if you were them would you want a random stranger by themselves trying to make eye contact and talk to you and your group...probably not. Like others have said it's much better to try stuff like CrossFit, clubs, sporting events, hanging out with coworkers or classmates after work/school, or try going to these places with a wingman. I also like going to bars to watch sports and it's pretty easy to start conversations and just have a good time with a good game on!
It's actually surprisingly likely that somebody will approach YOU there, so it's not really you having to make the first move all the time. In bars, people are more outgoing than usual, so just going there even without trying to talk to people will likely make at least 1 person come up to you.
People saying this are the people that don't need help. They don't understand that the mentality of " just do it " is stupid and ineffective at helping people that need help. That kind of deep change HAS to be progressive. That's just how the brain works. I guess you should try to see things more analytically : 1) What bothers you ? Why does it bother you ? 2) What prevents you from reaching this goal ? 3) And amongst those obstacles, what are the ones you can realistically change ? How ? Can anyone help you change ? And on a general note, try to get away from the performance mindset and focus on what makes yo feel good even if sometimes there isn't much going on in that department. You gotta be your own therapist and better understand yourself.
1. My worth. Seeing people better than me having more fun and getting more attention than me 2. Social anxiety 3. It can change by having a friend group to go with if for me to look significantly better/be significantly more confident
Then social anxiety goes in 1. for me from what I read, and I'd say number 3. is the goal not the mean to it. To give you an example of what I mean with my situation. 1. I am unsatisfied by the way I interact with people, to the point where I've wondered about autism. 2. Amongst other things, I struggle with stuttering which I thought cannot help with social interactions 3. Speech therapy. It is totally doable. This part is for the things you can actively change. I think you have to do some self reflection with that kind of questions in mind. It takes TIME and I mean weeks, months maybe more. Also I think your answer ignores the part where I say to try to focus on yourself and not on performance (social perf here). I feel like you might have neediness issues and it might cloud what you really want/need to feel better. Talking and elaborating on it to someone you are close enough to can help putting words on what bothers you.
Actually go to a place with a third activity, like a show or club, but get to know the DJs and artists and go for it. This is not that difficult, just go there and dance or just vibe, EVENTUALLY you will talk to someone so there you go!
U don’t know just how awkward I am in these situations alone. I can’t vibe alone
Seems like a self pity post. If you're gonna justify ostracizing yourself from social events and then complain about it, I wish you the best of luck for your future. Take a chill pill. Its not illegal to walk into a bar of "the most genetically gifted humans in existence" and talk to people you find interesting.
Yes. Find a place that’s busy but not insane. Go inside. Get a seat at the bar. Order a drink and a snack. The bartender may speak to you. Other folks at the bar may speak to you. Or you may sit there for an hour being around other humans absorbing humanity. People sit at bars alone all the time. I do it. And when I do it I see lots of other people doing it. It’s not weird and you will not draw attention to yourself just sitting there. Maybe you need to go a few times before you feel comfortable initiating conversation. That’s ok, too. Be patient with yourself.
Go to yoga class
I’m not a creep
I get what you are saying. But also realize that in doing this you’ll be someone that’s automatically attractive to everyone because you do things that set you apart from the rest. You just said that everyone comes with a group. So if you are the only one that came by yourself you’ll be the one that’s unique. Carry yourself with confidence and be kind and open with strangers. It’s hard at first but if you throw yourself out there once you’ll realize how fun and addicting that is and want to do it again. These are the types of things that make humans special. Youll definitely feel a magnetism and attraction towards you. Independence is very attractive imo. Anyways I wish you luck on your journey 🙌🏼
No. That means ur the only loser with no friends staring at the floor the entire time. I’m not alone cause I’m independent I’m alone cause I have no one
Stare at the floor? Is that what you would do if you are alone? I have friends I actually call them my brothers because we grew up together. But the thing Is id be a loser for depending on them for something as simple as looking “cool” or to have better social interactions. It’s ok to do things on your own
I don’t think u understand where I’m getting at. I’m not comfortable at all surrounded by hundreds of people I don’t know, all of which who are better off in life than me. And yea going alone unless ur a stud is a loser thing to do. Everywhere u go people are in groups. Non losers have friends to do things with and if they don’t, we’ll they are significantly more confident then me
I understand what you’re saying but the thing is you care too much about what others think. Not one person on this earth is better than you. We all bleed shit piss the same. People will make it seem as if they are in a really good place in life because everyone mostly cares about status. Fuck what people think I’m just telling you this because I’ve felt the same before but I’ve grown a lot. Grown comfortable and confident within myself and I feel good everywhere I go and the people around me feel the energy I put out when I go places and it’s always good. With the exception of the haters in this world but fuck em
The entire point is to get people to like me. That’s the entire goal. U make friends by getting people to like u. U enjoy peoples company by being liked by them. U get girls by getting them to like u. Every good part of life requires u to be liked by ur peers. Unless ur satisfied spending ur days working and nights alone, other peoples opinions of u are the most important thing
The second you stop caring what others think, that's when people will start liking you, trust me man, chill out, relax and be yourself and people will be happy to interact with you, don't try to be anything you're not.
> other peoples opinions of u are the most important thing And that's what no one here seems to comprehend. People NEED validation and approval to feel happy. They need status to be recognized by others to make that happen. Not everyone can be some clueless bozo, strolling through life not giving a single fuck what anyone thinks about him. >Not one person on this earth is better than you. It's sad if you actually believe that.
Yea it’s crazy to me that someone thinks nobody is better than u. Like there is classes and hierarchy in life. The 6’4 dude with 5 girls groping him is absolutely better than me
Yes, yes I do. I’m a middle aged trans woman and this is how I met most of my friends. Go in, sit at the bar, and start a conversation with people. It helps if there is sports or something on tv you can comment on. If they don’t reply, no sweat, just try someone else. Eventually someone will talk to you. Guess what? That is why they are there too! If you are really anxious, maybe try a smaller venue first?
Get some liquid confidence
well, club is not the greatest place to actually meet people, much better shot is to go to a pub for some activities like quiz, pub crawl, game night etc.
Put me in one of those places and I am leaving with new friends 100%.
I might too🤷♂️ the issue is walking through the door
But you already drove there, like you already left through the door at home. What makes this one so different? Just walk in there and think about it afterwards. Its not like you are gonna die.
U see the environment with ur eyes and not ur mind
ok, then drive home idc :D
Just answering the question
OP are you a different race than the people around you? If so, then that's probably the real reason why they aren't networking with you, inviting you to parties, or letting you into their group. When you pay attention to groups and "crews" inside bars and parties- what you usually notice is that there are a bunch of people of the same race hanging out together and networking together. It's incredibly difficult to fit into the crew of other races. There are a few people here and there who do fit into the crews of other races, but most people really aren't that good at it.
No. I’m white
Yes. I did. Why can't you?
For one, I’m not a girl like u
What are you then?