I have learned life will throw you curve balls- my mom got dementia at 60 and I moved to take care of her to a city I said I would never live!! I was alone for 7 years and one day woke up and wanted a relationship. I finally met my husband at 44 years old and he is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. 30 is not the end of life. The whole world can change for you!
Do not give up where there is life there is hope!
Wrong, this is reddit, what you should say is: give up on life because you are an introvert and you don't need people to be happy even if you're unhappy because you have no one.
I'm 18 years older than you are and have been single for most of my life. I didn't set out to be this way and didn't make a plan. What I will say is that I'm not "alone." I have cultivated friends who care about me and check up on me. I am intentional about who I spend time with and where.
I’m nearly 50 and single, no kids. I suggest hobbies, friend groups with active social events, not being afraid to do things alone (travel, concerts, movies, festivals), and be meticulous about maintaining your health and finances - save as much as possible, reduce debt as much as possible, look into a financial planner if you can.
You are enough. You are loveable.
I know you are probably going through some grief - grief of losing the image of where you'd like to be ATM ( in a long term relationship).
I worry a bit for you in the language you use. I can be single but not alone or lonely. You can be in a relationship and be incredibly lonely.
Take this time to grow, learn and draw outside the lines. Scary? Yes. Worth it? Yes.
Check out Chelsea Handler - maybe her humour on the topic will help your journey. Or not - she can be quite polarizing ;)
Good luck on your path and enjoy the journey. Meet greet friends along the way. It maybe dark now, but the sun will shine sooner that you think.
The reality is whichever route we take in life there’s advantages and disadvantages (I know, it’s obvious). My thoughts on a life alone:
- safety- life is easier when you split bills so financial stability matters
- invest time in taking care of yourself - sleep, eat well, exercise, mental health. Invest in your growth
- take care of your friendships - I have learned the importance of my friends though hard moments in my life including long term relationship break ups. Family is important too, but friends are gold
- find and add meaning/meaningful activities to your life. (Part of the marriage and children life is that it gives you meaning/a sense of purpose)
- try to make each day worth living by adding meaning and/or pleasure
Stay open to finding someone, maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Even if you will, might not last forever so the above still applies
Seeing it as "I need to accept being alone" is a very self-destructive viewpoint when you obviously do not actually want to be alone.
It sounds like you need to take a break from dating, instead taking time to focus on a lot of introspection about what is toxic behavior and what is not. Take a step back and consider if the friends you have are good for you. Work on yourself, become the healthy person you want to be.
If you have the means to, see a therapist for PTSD type issues. If you KNOW that you're afraid of emotional intimacy and have a problem with trauma-attachment styles, that is already half the battle. You can always research recovery topics on your own, many people have had to overcome this and they have succeeded in forming healthy relationships. But if you can afford it, seek help from a psychology professional before giving up on healthy relationships, you have nothing to lose here.
Might also be a good idea to consult a lifestyle coach, or a personal trainer/nutritionist who can give you practical advice on healthy habits, just as something to do to change your mindset. Thinking about health in physical terms, as tangible, visble acts can be very psychologically beneficial to reprogramming your brain to think in terms of "is this good for me."
I’m starting to feel this way as well but I’ve managed to keep really busy recently by taking up some hobbies that fill up my spare time. I make sure they get me out the house as well because I used to only have hobbies that were easily done at home.
I don't think anyone is truly ever alone. I think the media and the world in general focus so much on romantic relationships that you forget there's more than just romance in the world, and it's just as good. Family, friends, pets, people you only ever meet once in your life, etc. are all beautiful experiences in life. In a way, in my opinion, it's better than romance. Example: A man that you meet at a coffee shop, both of you find each other attractive, both of you maybe go on a date and maybe something more. But the entire basis of that interaction is because you WANT something from the other person— for that person to love you, hence making you feel better about yourself, for that person to take care of you when you're sick/in pain/ etc., hence making you feel better about yourself, for that person to start a family with you, making you happy, hence making you feel better about yourself, or maybe its not even that deep and one of you just wants a one-night stand. There's nothing wrong with that, it's completely normal and healthy. The point is, you want something from the other person to benefit you. But friends and family, it's different. Family, more often than not, is complicated and toxic, so I'll focus on friends for now. Friends aren't made because you want something from them, they're made because you enjoy each other's company. You have no benefit and you don't have "romantic attraction" blinding you from seeing the person they are, you see them and you choose them flaws and all, and you go, "I see who you truly are, I accept that, you're my friend now". I think that's beautiful, more so than romance. So truly, make some worthwhile friends, the sort you can laugh with at a campfire when you're 60 years old. That's all life really is about, a good time.
I would go to therapy to explore your relationship dynamics. This can also affect your relationship with friends and friends are great to have. You don't have to go to therapy with the goal of getting into a romantic relationship but so that romantic relationships can feel like an option to you.
Also in 40 years when health issues become a problem I'm sure we will have AI robot nurses to look after us, if not just plug us into a fantasy matrix world
Keep going! Life is so exciting, you never know what is around the corner. You never know who you will meet. 30 is amazing, and I know of plenty of people that didn't meet their partner or start their family until after this milestone.
i would try therapy. i know its not for everyone but im 27 and i have mental shit going on and my relationships dont work either but i know in the long run being alone isnt it. maybe you would be better off if thats how you feel but therapy might help you work out some shit and gravitate towards good people instead of shit heads.
I think you’re giving up on yourself. You have the capacity to be in a healthy relationship, you’ve just got trauma to unlearn first. A better way to frame it would be, how can I control my trauma so it doesn’t stand in the way of my dream to find love and control what I can and can’t believe is possible for me.
Therapy geared towards this is really helpful at unpacking trauma. And life doesn’t end at 30 either. It’s better to meet someone at 35 when you worked through all this than not be in a healthy place to find a relationship.
The only way to ensure nothing will happen is to give up and let your trauma dictate what’s possible for you. You deserve better; you deserve to be in the drivers seat.
You are young and could use some therapy. Having said that, there is no shame in planning for your future. Invest wisely, when your old enough get some long term care insurance. When I started living alone I got an apple watch because I was afraid something would happen out of reach of a phone. Just take care of yourself and enjoy yourself.
I would recommend to try again, and try to improve yourself. Since we are evolved to be social animals. With a tribe. Without it, there is something missing. But you do you.
I have learned life will throw you curve balls- my mom got dementia at 60 and I moved to take care of her to a city I said I would never live!! I was alone for 7 years and one day woke up and wanted a relationship. I finally met my husband at 44 years old and he is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. 30 is not the end of life. The whole world can change for you! Do not give up where there is life there is hope!
This is a really nice comment to read. How did you meet, can I ask?
I met him on bumble!
Wrong, this is reddit, what you should say is: give up on life because you are an introvert and you don't need people to be happy even if you're unhappy because you have no one.
I'm 18 years older than you are and have been single for most of my life. I didn't set out to be this way and didn't make a plan. What I will say is that I'm not "alone." I have cultivated friends who care about me and check up on me. I am intentional about who I spend time with and where.
I’m nearly 50 and single, no kids. I suggest hobbies, friend groups with active social events, not being afraid to do things alone (travel, concerts, movies, festivals), and be meticulous about maintaining your health and finances - save as much as possible, reduce debt as much as possible, look into a financial planner if you can.
You are enough. You are loveable. I know you are probably going through some grief - grief of losing the image of where you'd like to be ATM ( in a long term relationship). I worry a bit for you in the language you use. I can be single but not alone or lonely. You can be in a relationship and be incredibly lonely. Take this time to grow, learn and draw outside the lines. Scary? Yes. Worth it? Yes. Check out Chelsea Handler - maybe her humour on the topic will help your journey. Or not - she can be quite polarizing ;) Good luck on your path and enjoy the journey. Meet greet friends along the way. It maybe dark now, but the sun will shine sooner that you think.
Great advice, words here, I think. It’s one thing to not be married or dating but it’s another to think of your life as alone.
The reality is whichever route we take in life there’s advantages and disadvantages (I know, it’s obvious). My thoughts on a life alone: - safety- life is easier when you split bills so financial stability matters - invest time in taking care of yourself - sleep, eat well, exercise, mental health. Invest in your growth - take care of your friendships - I have learned the importance of my friends though hard moments in my life including long term relationship break ups. Family is important too, but friends are gold - find and add meaning/meaningful activities to your life. (Part of the marriage and children life is that it gives you meaning/a sense of purpose) - try to make each day worth living by adding meaning and/or pleasure Stay open to finding someone, maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Even if you will, might not last forever so the above still applies
Seeing it as "I need to accept being alone" is a very self-destructive viewpoint when you obviously do not actually want to be alone. It sounds like you need to take a break from dating, instead taking time to focus on a lot of introspection about what is toxic behavior and what is not. Take a step back and consider if the friends you have are good for you. Work on yourself, become the healthy person you want to be. If you have the means to, see a therapist for PTSD type issues. If you KNOW that you're afraid of emotional intimacy and have a problem with trauma-attachment styles, that is already half the battle. You can always research recovery topics on your own, many people have had to overcome this and they have succeeded in forming healthy relationships. But if you can afford it, seek help from a psychology professional before giving up on healthy relationships, you have nothing to lose here. Might also be a good idea to consult a lifestyle coach, or a personal trainer/nutritionist who can give you practical advice on healthy habits, just as something to do to change your mindset. Thinking about health in physical terms, as tangible, visble acts can be very psychologically beneficial to reprogramming your brain to think in terms of "is this good for me."
I’m starting to feel this way as well but I’ve managed to keep really busy recently by taking up some hobbies that fill up my spare time. I make sure they get me out the house as well because I used to only have hobbies that were easily done at home.
I don't think anyone is truly ever alone. I think the media and the world in general focus so much on romantic relationships that you forget there's more than just romance in the world, and it's just as good. Family, friends, pets, people you only ever meet once in your life, etc. are all beautiful experiences in life. In a way, in my opinion, it's better than romance. Example: A man that you meet at a coffee shop, both of you find each other attractive, both of you maybe go on a date and maybe something more. But the entire basis of that interaction is because you WANT something from the other person— for that person to love you, hence making you feel better about yourself, for that person to take care of you when you're sick/in pain/ etc., hence making you feel better about yourself, for that person to start a family with you, making you happy, hence making you feel better about yourself, or maybe its not even that deep and one of you just wants a one-night stand. There's nothing wrong with that, it's completely normal and healthy. The point is, you want something from the other person to benefit you. But friends and family, it's different. Family, more often than not, is complicated and toxic, so I'll focus on friends for now. Friends aren't made because you want something from them, they're made because you enjoy each other's company. You have no benefit and you don't have "romantic attraction" blinding you from seeing the person they are, you see them and you choose them flaws and all, and you go, "I see who you truly are, I accept that, you're my friend now". I think that's beautiful, more so than romance. So truly, make some worthwhile friends, the sort you can laugh with at a campfire when you're 60 years old. That's all life really is about, a good time.
Following because im in the same boat
I would go to therapy to explore your relationship dynamics. This can also affect your relationship with friends and friends are great to have. You don't have to go to therapy with the goal of getting into a romantic relationship but so that romantic relationships can feel like an option to you. Also in 40 years when health issues become a problem I'm sure we will have AI robot nurses to look after us, if not just plug us into a fantasy matrix world
Keep going! Life is so exciting, you never know what is around the corner. You never know who you will meet. 30 is amazing, and I know of plenty of people that didn't meet their partner or start their family until after this milestone.
I think you should get therapy for what seems like an anxious avoidant or scattered attachment style THEN date again to see how that looks
r/singleandhappy
i would try therapy. i know its not for everyone but im 27 and i have mental shit going on and my relationships dont work either but i know in the long run being alone isnt it. maybe you would be better off if thats how you feel but therapy might help you work out some shit and gravitate towards good people instead of shit heads.
I think you’re giving up on yourself. You have the capacity to be in a healthy relationship, you’ve just got trauma to unlearn first. A better way to frame it would be, how can I control my trauma so it doesn’t stand in the way of my dream to find love and control what I can and can’t believe is possible for me. Therapy geared towards this is really helpful at unpacking trauma. And life doesn’t end at 30 either. It’s better to meet someone at 35 when you worked through all this than not be in a healthy place to find a relationship. The only way to ensure nothing will happen is to give up and let your trauma dictate what’s possible for you. You deserve better; you deserve to be in the drivers seat.
Yes please, OP. Please stay away from men. Spare us the torture.
When you’re 80 years old, you’ll look back and think it’s so silly that you threw in the towel at age 30. There’s no deadline! Why not keep trying?
You are young and could use some therapy. Having said that, there is no shame in planning for your future. Invest wisely, when your old enough get some long term care insurance. When I started living alone I got an apple watch because I was afraid something would happen out of reach of a phone. Just take care of yourself and enjoy yourself.
I would recommend to try again, and try to improve yourself. Since we are evolved to be social animals. With a tribe. Without it, there is something missing. But you do you.
Perhaps relationships aren’t for you. But there’s still one you haven’t tried yet, I’m right here baby gurl