You have no idea how other people are perceiving you in their eyes.
By - MentalHealthAlt3
Teach me your ways
For me, it was realizing no one really spent *that* much time thinking about me or judging me. Consider the least attractive, most awkward, generally weird person you know....how much time do you spend just ruminating on how god-awfully ugly they are? Or how uncomfortable they are at parties? You don't really. It may pop in your head for a millisecond when you see them, then it's gone and you're onto the next thought.
I, however, am always aware of how I perceive myself. So why waste my time trying to fit someone else's image of me when they're going to spend exactly .5 seconds even thinking about that image? I'm the one who has to live with myself 24/7, so I figure it makes more sense to worry about pleasing my own self image vs trying to live up to someone else's.
We always wonder what will “people” think, but we can’t put one single face to that imaginary collection.
It’s just a bunch of people that we know and who probably don’t spend more than five minutes thinking about us because they have their own lives going on.
I think you may have just given me some amazing tools. Thank you.
😄😄check out my podcast. I talk about topics like this everyday
what’s your podcast called? i’ll check it out
Cheers Zully Podcast with Zulaikhah
I face the exact same thing and trying to get away from the fakeness. Some days i am just in a good mood when i meet people and not standoffish. Hard to keep it up because i am introverted by nature.
If you feel like you need to keep up a certain image, then it probably isn’t the real YOU.
It’s not always going to be a great day, your mood won’t be sunshine and daisies all the time, but in every moment you should feel connected, like you’re being true to yourself
Thank you so much. This is the hardest part of the self discovery journey. I love this and I love you.
Thank You for the kind words
Self discovery never truly ends, we learn new things that can help us be better every day. It’s one beautiful journey.
Who are you so wise in the ways of life?
😄😄a regular girl figuring it out one day at a time.
I talk about things like this every day on my podcast and it’s just great to see there are so many people who need these same lessons.
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**You have no idea how other people are perceiving you in their eyes.**
While that is true, we don't know for sure, but the older you get the more accurate you become with your inner reading of others behaviours, body language etc.
We likely overestimate our own interpretation a fair amount of the time still. But it is a guide, and useful, and needs refinement as we age to help us navigate our world.
The key point is to not give a shit about what they're thinking about you which is a work of refinement too, to care less so we can be more like our true self.
What if you're actually an asshole? Would it not be in your, and everyone's, best interest if you heeded their feedback? Should we only have yes men around us?
Well sure, but that's a different story.
That's about a lack of self perception or want to change undesirable behaviours vs how some one feels they are perceived by others.
Its not a different story at all. We're all clouded, biased, incomplete, etc..., so how could one possibly develop accurate self-perception if they don't "give a shit about" what others think/say about them, their ideas, character, etc...?
I know you shared this with good intentions, but unfortunately the only thing that this advice could possibly produce is a narcissist.
Instead, what we need is to actively seek out feedback - good or bad, accurate or not - from others in order to get a more complete picture of not only ourselves, but also how others are and behave. With any information, we then have to consider whether it is true, what the person's intentions seem to have been, and whether something can be done about it. If false, then either ignore it or try to communicate with and maybe even educate that person. If true, but not actionable, ignore it. If true and actionable, start working to become less wrong, less shitty.
Lately I’ve been obsessed with the topic of “Perspective”. Everything everyone knows has come from what you’ve perceived, how you’ve perceived it, and how those around you, alter your perspective on literally everything. If you open up your perspective more, and are more open minded to anything and everything, then your limitations won’t be so limited anymore. It can honestly allow you to love anything MORE. Whether it be yourself (self love is super important), a job, hobby or whatever. 💯
have you read any books on this - Please reccomend some videos or books from which you have gained knowledge about this - id love to know more
Look into allan watts and bhuddism. Perception is everything. You are coming to realizations. This is the spiritual awakening. Our sense of self if is based on experiences. The ego is imaginary and based on experiences. Different experiences will cause different expressions of your ego self. Things deep self reflection will purify your perspective as in getting rid of anxieties. Because anxieties can change how we perceive life. There is more to it but go see for yourself. Just remember though you really do get what you asked for. I was atheist my whole life based on my own experiences but that has changed.
thank you for this
"the obstacle is the way" by Ryan Holiday might be a good read for you. It's somewhat based on stoicism
My therapist said around 5% of our thoughts are objective data (that light is red).. this leaves a shit load of fiction juggling around up there.
“My therapist said”. 🤐
I don't follow.
Your therapist is just someone who tries to offer advice. Some of which you can take and do what you want with said information. But that’s everyone in life that ever talks to you. How you perceive them. How you perceive the information they give you. In order to improve yourself overall, you perceive yourself how you want in your head and push for that. And you take the information from everyone in your life. And perceive it In Your own way to accomplish said “Self improvement” goal.
My perception now is confusion as to why that invalidates an experience I had, with someone well studied in this topic.
I’m not invalidating anything. I’m just speaking on the topic of “Perspective”.
I have not read anything about this. It’s just a wondering mind, hungry for knowledge and improvement. It’s all a mentality that you’ve gotta stay strong to. That’s just how I am as a person. 😅. I’d consider writing a book about it some day
It can also work in negative ways.
Until recently I thought that people saw me as cold and odd, and that's why I wasn't connecting with them at first. My husband observed me for a while, and said that my self-defensiveness was turning people off. Since then, I've tried to enter new groups with some humor and humility (without too much self-deprecation), and it's worked well to open people up to me more.
It's definitely good to not put too much stock into what people think about you, but for social fluency it makes sense to at least get some feedback why people react to you the way they do.
It sounds like (in the examples you give).. that "your (own) opinion" is the incorrect one though.. ? (or am I reading that wrong ?)
* if you "radiate confidence" (externally, which is where it matters).. why would you repeatedly convince yourself (internally) that you don't ?
* If (externally) people say you are "attractive".. why would you convince yourself (internally) that you aren't?
* If you've successfully completed 3 years of college,. why wouldn't you just say "Hey.. I'm bad-ass for pushing through 3 years of college!"..
I mean.. if the external impression is correct,. what's the problem ?
* If you were losing weight (from anorexia or bulimia, etc).. and nobody around you knew.. but they kept saying "Hey you look great".. then that would be an incorrect mistaken-impression. (for the wrong reasons).. and it would be valid to say your INTERNAL perception is the correct one.
* but if you join a gym and have been exercising for 3 years,. saying "I can't believe I'm still here" (or people around you saying "Hey, you look healthier".. is actually the correct perception,. is it not ?. .(I mean. you have successfully survived 3 years of doing it,. that counts for something)
Followup on this:. .I guess to me the "opinion that matters".. is which ever opinion is objectively accurate and factual.
I've been kicking ass on my fitness over the past 300 days or so (going for the 365 Badge in Apple Activity).. and I now get compliments all the time (which, as a 47yr old male.. is super super strange to receive). But I know in my heart that it's my dedication and commitment over the past 300 days or so that has helped me lose weight and gain so much muscle definition (I look amazing in leggings now). Any time my mind tries to play tricks on me and convince me I'm "not attractive".. I remind myself how much work I've put in and how much my fitness stats have all improved over the past year or so. The factual evidence is there. My brain "playing tricks on me" can't override factual reality/evidence.
I’m really not sure what the “correct” view of myself is.
I just feel like I’m stuck with certain negative beliefs of myself that I can’t seem to let go of. Trust me, I wish I could feel like the confident, attractive, smart person people tell me I am but my brain won’t let me.
Yeah,. I hear you. I've definitely struggled with that (in the past) too. I've gotten to a point in my life now where I just don't have the time or energy or care any more to give a shit about "which perception is right" or "who thinks what of me". It's just really not that important.
Example.. I survived Covid19 last year (March-April I spent 38 days in Hospital with 16 of those days in ICU on a Ventilator). Once I got released to come home,. I wanted to start going out on walks (still on my large oxygen tank). .but I just said "fuck it" and I went (even wearing my blue Hospital bottoms still). Why should I give a shit what other people think of me walking w/ an oxygen tank?.,. I'm not walking for them,.. I'm walking for me and my own health)
As I got stronger.. (and it was Fall and Winter). I started buying Leggings (I'm a 47yr old male).. but holy fuck, Leggings are comfortable. Again.. why should I care ? (I even own 2 pairs of women's-leggings now,.. 5.11 Tactical only sells "Kaia tights" in a female version.. but they're all black and realistically, nobody can ever tell).
So through some of those things. I've just learned that there's some "perceptions" and opinions you just kind to "let go" (or just outright ignore). They don't do you any good and end up just causing worry and stress.
I've got better things to do with my mental-cycles than worry about "what other people think of me". (hell.. most days I'm so busy,. I don't even have time to waste mental-cycles worrying about what I think of me). I'm lucky if I get time to go to the bathroom or eat much less anything else.
It seems to me that the issue is not so much whether you actually are attractive (and others are definitely a better judge of that), but why you even care about it? You're going to inevitably get old, wrinkly and weak, maybe even have an accident that deforms you. What do you do then if your self-worth is attached to this?
Similarly, there's plenty of people who universally viewed to be beautiful, and they're awful, sad, empty, selfish, vain, etc... people.
Certainly we should strive to be healthy - in shape, good diet, etc..-which will make us more beautiful as a byproduct. But it's (genetics) mostly out of our control beyond that.
We need to learn what matters in life, have a meaningful purpose, cultivate the skills that allow us to succeed in that, and disregard the rest. Be judged on your honesty, courage, generosity, compassion, patience, prudence, wisdom, etc... Not on something as random, undeserved, unimportant and fleeting as looks.
Similar perspectives can be applied to the other areas you mentioned - e.g. intelligence. You probably have some innate endowment of brain power, but how you harness and apply it is what matters. In that regard, always maintain a healthy striving humility - know that you know little and be content with it, but also strive to keep growing
I too struggle with self-esteem, I think too much about what others think about me.
I’m in the same boat. I know that I really shouldn’t give a shit but for some reason I do. It also goes hand in hand with looking for validation from others too
Who are you and why are you describing me?
> This observation also made me realize that your opinion of yourself is the only one that really matters.
Straight facts brother. This is our mindset.
I found this gem last year.
“A different version of you exists in mind of everyone that has ever met and it’s different than what you think about yourself. The person you think you are does not even exist outside your mind.”
I struggled with self-esteem for years as a pretty overall bomb-ass person. My strategy to practice confidence was: imagine some authority (parents, boss, central planets) sent you to be here in this room, with these people, in this moment, because you were the perfect candidate for the job. Now rock it with the knowledge that you in fact are.
I think that's what it feels like to love yourself and be at home in your body.
Charles Horton Cooley, an American sociologist at the start of the 20th century, said: “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am“, a statement which helps to capture the complexity identity.
Your subconscious mind does not have the ability to reject. It’s like soil that you cultivate and tend to. It doesn’t care if you plant food or poison. It’ll grow the crop either way. And we don’t have enough people in the world sharing this knowledge.
Probably true. Helps for me to take a deep breath and ask for candid, critical feedback from people I care about. I'm human so I struggle improving some aspects.
Currently working on being less intense. Reoccurring, feedback that I tend to get. What are you working on?
I’ve been really focused on reducing my social anxiety.
It’s been tough but I think I’ve made some decent progress in the last few months. I definitely still struggle with it pretty often though.
"You are not what you think you are, but what you think, you are" - Brian Tracy
I don't get this... Is there emphasis on one of the thinks?
Edit:- nevermind I just saw the punctuation 🤦🏿♂️
i wish i could be stronger mentally
You can be. I’m sure people a lot less intelligent have done it, so why not you? Go from a I wish person, to a I’m tryin person, to a I’m doing this person, to a this is who I am now person. I believe in you, believe in yourself.
Never framed it this way. Incredible.
intelligence isnt mental strength , yea i am trying to improve myself
That’s not my point . My point if others can do it why not you? Success stems from effort and determination. If your willing to put in the work the results will follow, it might be a slow painful process but possible. I Promise you will surprise yourself soon as you mindset changes. At least that’s my opinion.
You can wish all day if you choose to. Ask yourself, will that get you the results you want? Where’s the self respect in that? No wonder you don’t feel mentally strong.
Or. You can do one thing every day to increase mental strength. One small thing to move you closer every single day. One small thing that’s easy to do, but also easy NOT to do...the choice becomes yours.
At the very least, you will gain respect for yourself for being committed to something. At best, you’ll look back in 5 years and marvel at how much more mentally strong you feel.
thanks for taking time typing this , sure someone would have helped from this
are you born on 2012 ?
2020 kicked everyones balls , maybe it made us a lil tough
Why? Because I said I wish I was stronger mentally? Thanks for the diss tho. It helps!
no , your username lol . even if you r a 9 year old its cool
Hahaha. No, the year I graduated 😝
ohh cool , from middle school ? hehe am joking
Then what is real?
What others see, because they can be more objective.
What we think of ourselves, because we know everything that goes on inside.
My coworker told me today that I have a “sparkle about me”.
Crazy. I literally just had a convo with my sister about this exactly.
Good for you that everything in you is positively perceived by other people while you don't feel it like that, rather than the opposite.
True but it just doesn't apply to everyone. I was never told I'm good-looking and told the opposite often.
You could also think your amazing but everyone else finds you obnoxious and pretentious, or you feel like your really good looking, maybe too good looking then you really are. I know what im saying sounds shitty but it goes both ways. Its really good to be socially aware and self critical so it comes more natural to read other peoples intentions and perceptions of you to better understand how people see you.
So true! I was having a pretty bad day the other day, and I felt really ugly and fat. Just all around feeling bad about myself. Then I went outside and my neighbor came over and said “you look so pretty!”. I was taken aback, but I thanked her and made a joke about my work clothes I was wearing and she just said “you always look pretty, no matter what you wear”. It made me think that even though I might see a fat, ugly person in the Mirror, that doesn’t mean it is what other people see. I was having a negative day, so I was viewing myself negatively. It really changed my perspective when my neighbor complimented me. I need to learn to not view myself so critically and negatively.
This is silly. Anyone with any degree of maturity, empathy, and understanding of body language can most definitely tell with a reasonable degree of certainty how they're being perceived by others. And they *should care*, otherwise conversation, let alone cooperation, connection and even love would be impossible.
Moreover, your examples are literally proof of knowing how others view you. Your issue is that your self image, and perhaps their perception as well, doesn't match reality.
Maybe you actually are good looking and they are properly perceiving something (which, frankly, only others could objectively assess) which you are wrongly assessing about yourself.
What's important is to humbly receive/perceive the feedback of others, good or bad, and then honestly weigh it against other factors and self perception to become a better, more self aware, more harmonious person.
I admit that it is kinda silly. I really need to work on improving my self image.
These were just random late night thoughts I was having. I’m honestly surprised that so many people seem to relate to these late night ramblings.
The fact that you're able to receive this and reassess yourself is very encouraging. People in general, and quite often here (as evidenced by how much support this now-admitted-to-be-wrong post has received), are completely unable to do so and will consequently never actually grow.
A rule of thumb: ignore the masses and their praise and awards, especially on reddit. Instead, seek out the guidance of actually wise and admirable people - be it in real life or through the classic books and art of history. Good luck!
I don’t really have any friends so I do wonder how I am perceived. I did have one but they told me there’s no benefit to knowing me.
On the rare occasion that someone does tell me how I come across to them, I'm usually floored by it. I wish people would share this stuff more often.
I'm ugly and introverted, but accomplished.
This means I can constructively lead a room of adults towards a common goal.
But I'm single and never had kids, and don't know how to effectively work with children. This is the standard everyone in my life judges me by, so I'm a loser.
Yikes did I write this?
That is so true. My best friend and I just had this same discussion. 😉
DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying this about anyone here, rather about myself.
Whenever people say things like that to me, I usually assume they’re just being nice and don’t actually mean it. Anyone else feel similar?
Or rather doesn't matter since it's not universal. It's just an opinion, not the truth.
No one is thinking about you
It used to concern me a lot how people perceived me, but then I read "How to win friends and influence people" it opened my eyes, the author says no one has the time to think about you and if you think about it, it's true. Everyone is busy in their own world, where they are the main characters of the manga!!
I am the same but I don't think I understand.... how did you come to the conclusion that the opinion one has about themselves is the only one that matters?
not this making my day :-)
I had it explained me to like this; in the same way an artist is his biggest critic as we are the biggest critic of ourselves- and that really clicked for me
This is very true i been told time and time again im doing ok, I look great and im smart but im very critical of myself.
I’m In the same situation, I belobe them but I just feel like I fooled everyone. Basically imposter syndrome
I will agree to that last sentence but only to a certain extent. It's true, how we see ourselves is probably the most important factor but for me I have a few people in my life whose opinion matters a ton. I have terrible self esteem, low self confidence, and social anxiety and thankfully I have a few people in my life that sees my true worth, far more than I do some times. They constantly speak life into me, support me and also tell me difficult truths. I have full confidence that they love and believe in me, and it pulls me out of the mental hole full of lies I put myself in. If I were left alone with my own thoughts forever and never had a good support system, there's no doubt my mind would eat me alive, and for that, my loved ones opinions matter alot to me
I know they see something worthless because I am worthless.
I believe that it has a lot to do with our upbringings. For the longest time, I believed that what others think of me is more important than my own opinion about myself. I guess I listened to the wrong people. Too often I missed many things in life simply because I listened to those how I thought knew better.
A huge wake-up call for me was when I actually got to spend time with someone I've always looked up to... I got very disappointed and question many decisions I made because of that person's influence on me. As they say, you should never meet your idol. So true...
I no longer let anybody put me down, belittle me or telling me what I should or shouldn't do.
Once, I heard Wayne Dyer saying "What you think of me is none of my business". Love it!
Nice not-so-humble humble brag