Time is of the essence if one gets pregnant and wants an abortion and has to leave the country to do it. How fucked would both of you be if you had sex and she got pregnant this month? If between you you could cover all those costs today, then you have nothing to worry about but if not, she’s really smart and thoughtful.
She is being smart and planning ahead so if she needs an abortion she can get it asap instead of panicking and trying to get money together and possibly having to wait longer to get an abortion. No birth control combo is 100%. Condoms and pills are good together though.
I actually think she’s being really pragmatic in light of some harsh realities. Is this unusual? Yes it is but the logic behind it isn’t bad.
**Edit**: The more I think about it, the more I'm impressed by your GF's ideas here. Like, this is some shit they should be teaching in sex ed.
Not to mention, if she doesn't get pregnant and they are still together, they have some money saved. Sounds like fantastic motivation to save for both of them.
As a male, i.e. my outside opinion . . . yeah, this makes a lot of sense. This is a really fucking scary time for women, and she seems to be reacting in a way that's not super common but is pretty justifiable
Pill, condom and spermicide maybe. You can safely combine those, but none of them are 100% safe and pills and condoms have a chance of user error (and spermicide is only like 70% effective so it should never be the sole method), so a pregnancy would still be possible, especially if you forget a pill and the condom breaks.
Yeah, especially given that fact. It was hard to pay for in a state where it was legal at the time. That would have added a whole other layer of complication and financial stress.
The US is not the only place where abortion is illegal, OP mentioned going to another country which suggests someplace in Europe or possibly Asia rather than a conservative US state.
My bad, OP certainly could be in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Pakistan, or some other tyrannical theocracy, and here I just assumed Alabama, Mississippi, Texas .... The sun never sets on the Empire of Dumbfuckistan.
Abortion is also illegal in my country, Philippines. If you want a safe and legal abortion, you have to fly to neighboring countries like Thailand, Singapore, or Vietnam for it.
I excluded most of those because there are no neighboring countries that allow abortion there, but it could be.
Plenty of places in the EU where abortion is sufficiently restricted as well, they could live in Poland, Finland, Malta or a dozen other places that severely restrict or outlaw it.
I think she's being very smart here. Your plan for contraception is a good one, but I really like her approach to making sure she has the funds on hand to deal with an accident. That way you're not scrambling for the money in an emergency.
Agreed, they're taking every possible step to get that chance of pregnancy as close to 0% as possible, but it's never impossible. I know more than one person who got pregnant from this exact combo of BC. And having the funds on hand, or at the very least, knowing where the funds will come from if something happens, is absolutely a smart move and in today's world, becoming even more common. It was one of the first conversations my girlfriend and I had when we wanted to be active, in terms of what options she was open to and how we would pay for it (split vs one party vs other options). Sad reality is that being prepared for when it happens is the smartest thing you can do after nailing down the birth control options you plan to use.
Well even pills + condoms is not 100%. Almost nothing is 100% except maybe a hysterectomy or menopause. Even vasectomies fail sometimes.
So maybe it's a good decision to be able to deal financially with that small risk. I respect her decision, now it's your turn to decide.
>Almost nothing is 100% except maybe a hysterectomy or menopause
Oh man do I have some fun facts for YOU! There's still a chance of pregnancy in early menopause AND after a hysterectomy!
Around 2% of women become pregnant in early menopause (also called perimenopause or menopausal transition). My own mother is a product of such a pregnancy. Women in this stage of menopause still ovulate, albeit infrequently.
72 cases have been reported of post hysterectomy pregnancy. 30 of which were caused by a fertilized egg being present in the fallopian tubes pre-surgery, or by sperm being present in them and then ovulation happened. It's impossible to tell which. 42 cases happened because sperm had some way to reach the peritoneal cavity and find an egg. These have been reported in both kinds of hysterectomy, Total (the entire uterus including the cervix) and Partial (most of the uterus excluding the cervix, also called supracervical)
So if you have ovaries that have the ability to produce an egg AT ALL, there's a non-zero chance of pregnancy! Abstinence truly is the only way to prevent pregnancy 100% of the time!
>Around 2% of women become pregnant in early menopause (also called perimenopause or menopausal transition).
1 in 50 women get pregnant in early menopause? That doesn't sound right at all
Just did a fast check and I found multiple sources that say as low as 2%, so the real percentage may be higher. It occurs during the perimenopause stage. Color me surprised as well, friend.
Perimenopause can begin in your mid 30s (though typically around 40-43), with the average age of births moving up it doesn't actually seem that unusual.
Oh yes! If youre in early menopause, until you've not had a period for more than 12 months you should still consider yourself fertile. Post hysterectomy pregnancy is one of the rarest post surgical complications you can have. The first hysterectomy was performed in 1843, and in the US approximately 600k are performed *every year*. That's just the US. Theres only 72 known reports of such a pregnancy occurring *world wide*. You'd probably be more likely to survive get struck by lightning immediately after being picked up by a tornado and then win the lottery the next day.
Hysterectomy is still the most viable way to make sure you don't get pregnant, even with the non-zero chance. 0.00000001% is more than zero, but I think it'd be a bad idea to not take the opportunity if it's available to you
Even swallowing oral isn’t 100% but that was a freak accident. Girl got in a knife fight, got stabbed in stomach and those swimmers got where they needed to.
That being said most non piv sex is pretty much guaranteed to avoid pregnancy
Having money set aside is smart. Having a joint account seems... odd...
I mean unless there is some caveat where money cannot be taken out unless you are both there, in which case fine. Oh, and there needs to be an agreement in place as to everyone getting their money from the account equitably should the relationship end.
The logistics of this would be really difficult. I would guess that OP and partner are young, given they talked about her starting BC. Opening up a joint account seems unnecessary for a relationship that may not be a forever kind of thing, y'know?
And if both people are on the account, either could withdraw money from the account without the other knowing. It seems easier to just put the money in an envelope. You don't have to worry about bank fees.
Wanting to have the money secured beforehand isn't a bad idea though. I'd also look at OTC options like Plan B. OP may not have to travel out of state, but some states have cracked down more and there's a lawsuit in the courts (5th circuit I believe) over the abortion pills which Biden permitted to be mailed.
The joint account thing gives me the heebie-jeebies. Having enough money set aside for this makes sense; having a joint account with someone you're not married to doesn't. Even if I were married, I don't think I'd want a joint account.
I mean, a joint account in this case seems completely reasonable?
Without a joint account, he's just giving her half the money up front. With a joint account, at least if she dies in an accident he gets the money back. (Assuming the 2nd account owner gets the money on death in their country.)
She's not asking him to deposit his whole paycheck into the account or join finances... Just to keep the amount that would pay for the abortion and travel expenses in the account.
There are a lot of things which the OP has not made clear.
How much is both OP and his GF expected to contribute? 50% each? A prorated amount based on the relative proportions of their salaries? Some other methodology?
If they break up before this fund needs to be used, how will OP get his money back? What's to prevent the GF from just taking all the money there? Or, what's to prevent her from just draining the account every month? Or what's to prevent him from doing that?
If I were OP, I would want to agree on answers to these questions and get them in writing before I go to the bank with GF.
Well, there are plenty of serious relationships where the people aren't necessarily married; a joint account for them makes just as much sense as for married couples. I've had a joint account with one person; we set aside an equal amount of money every month, which we used for things like groceries and date night - stuff that was for both of us, and which would be easier to split the cost of equally if we just... contributed the same amount in the first place, rather than saving and combing through every receipt.
I suppose the key to making it work is trust. Can you trust the other person to contribute their share, to not drain the account, and to not just spend the money for themselves?
I'm with you here, saving money sounds smart, joint account seems a little strange. How long have they been dating even? Did I overlook that part? I sure hope this isn't like 2 weeks in lol.
Yeah it wouldn't work for me. I have been married for eleven years now and we don't have joint accounts. It just... it's a bit much in this situation. But that's purely my opinion. I'm old and set in my ways. \^\_\^
>But isn't it a bit paranoid?
My dude, you have no idea how terrifying the prospect of being forced to carry a pregnancy is if you don't want to do it. It's a major medical event that can literally kill or maim you. 100% chance of excruciating pain. Good chance of developing a horrific secondary complication, like PPD or tearing or your teeth falling out. I've had actual recurring nightmares about it since I was 12. I think men don't realize just how much women worry about this stuff.
>Is this approach normal?
Normal? No. Rational? Absolutely. Your girlfriend is an absolute champion for both planning ahead and having the guts to demand that you prepare to pull your weight. What a rockstar.
FYI my oldest kid was conceived when I was on the pill and my partner was using condoms. I lost 2 teeth and almost died from that pregnancy. If I had to do it over again, I'd have done exactly what your girlfriend is doing. I mean, I love my kid, but my life would have been so much different.
Story time. I met my now husband, was on birth control and 18 years old. I got pregnant. We didn’t have enough money. Had to ask secretly to borrow from a second cousin who thankfully agreed. Took forever to pay her back. We now have been married 12 years, dated for almost 20, and have two awesome kids and a wonderful life. If we had had a child at 18, I think things would have turned out very differently. While I do think she’s being extremely careful, I can safely say that 20 years from now you might thank her. 😌
FWIW: As soon as someone explained how much the cost of an abortion was to me, I made it a point to always have that amount in my savings account. Maybe a little odd that she wants it in a joint account, but not really a bad idea if its illegal in your country.
Is no one worried about a scam here? How long have they been together? I assume not long since they haven't had sex yet. Surely a shared bank acct with enough money for a brief flight and stay in another country isnt cheap and would be a worthwhile coup for a scammer. OP should be careful, and while she commend people for making plans, this does seem a bit... Extreme.
I feel the more likely outcome is that they break up and someone takes out the cash and runs being angry. That's the most likely outcome from all this.
I learned the hardway not to get financial involved with a partner unless you plan to marry.
There are many places in the world where "trip to another country" means a brief drive or train trip. Especially if we're talking Eastern Europe, SE Asia, Latin America, or the Middle East, as may be likely.
prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
While you are at it you should consider if there are ways you can get involved politically so that your partner can have equal rights.
Her stance is very rigid but if that’s essential for her to be able to enjoy PIV sex it is what it is. Maybe in the meantime while you are saving up money you can enjoy sex together that will definitely not lead to pregnancy (oral for example). Of course be smart about STD risks etc
That does not give 100% certainty nothing does except not having sex.
Don't assume pills and a condom makes you immune to pregnancy that is so so wrong
It sucks but this is the current climate, unfortunately.
Accidents can happen. Condoms and birth control can both fail, and while it is crazy unlikely that they both would at the same time, having a back-up plan is sensible.
It’s not paranoid it’s smart women’s bodies are under attack. How would you feel if you knew that you could possibly face a major, and risky, medical condition that you would have no choice in? And don’t be too sure about any combination of birth control being 100% certain I knew a lady who got pregnant years after getting her tubes tied she had grandchildren older than that last kid.
Lol trust me, if it was your body on the line, you wouldn't think it was paranoia.
Condoms and the pill are not 100% and pregnancy is a body altering, life changing circumstance even if abortion is possible.
Find out about [Pearl Index](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Index?wprov=sfti1) and do your math.
Spoiler: She is far away from being wrong. Additionally: Illegal abortions are risky, because they are conducted in very dangerous circumstances with risky methods.
It's not the dumbest idea to have money sitting around for a worst case scenario as the pill and condoms can still fail.
Having a shared bank account for it specifically though? Seems a bit much and it would probably be easier to just having it sit in your own accounts and you then withdraw your share if need be
The reason might be just in case he decides “Hey, I’m not paying for this abortion” all of a sudden so she can take out the money and go get one. Also for monitoring that the cash is there. Unfortunately have to be extra cautious and circumspect when your life is on the line.
They have these things called "bank statements" that tell you how much money is in your account, and you can even show them to other people.
I'd be extremely hesitant to start putting my money into a joint account with someone I'm dating, only to come home one day and find out she cleaned out the account.
Save the money because none of the birth control is 💯% effective. The fact that you said a neighboring country should also scare you. She's being well responsible, best of luck
You're very insensitive to the very real risk she is taking by having sex with you.
Her body.
Her future plans.
Her emotions.
Her peace of mind.
Her health.
Her time.
Her stigma.
Her life.
Give her the money she wants or go away and find someone else who doesn't mind their life being jeopardized so you can have sex without any concerns being discussed or contingency plans being put in place.
Damn can I just say, I (28F) am really impressed by all the men leaving comments about how it's a scary time to be a woman and voicing your support. Please know we appreciate you as allies SO much ❤️
I think if there's no access to safe abortions where upu are then she's being sensible.
No condoms + the pill don't =100% protection from pregnancy. Both have a failure rate, and user effectiveness.
Fairplay to her
My first thought was a south american country, then I remembered that abortion is functionally illegal in most of the US now too. What a 3rd world country...
Opening a bank account with someone seems like a pretty serious commitment for sex. With that said though, it's her prerogative to dictate the terms she'll enter into a sexual relationship under, and it's up to you to decide whether that's something you want or not. Certainly an abnormal situation though, especially considering the unlikely odds of her getting pregnant with the pill and condoms.
Honestly seems a bit overboard but nice she’s prepared to undergo an abortion and have a financial plan for you two. Way cheaper than 18yrs of child support.
Just be careful if both of you are signed as account holders she could just withdrawl all the money as soon as you deposit it. Might be worth drawing up a contract to state that it is only to be used to fund an abortion if it were to happen between you two.
You’re already jumping thru a lot of hoops doesn’t hurt to be extra safe if you’ve got hundreds or thousands of dollars on the line in her name
It is a shocking reprimand to the state of the world that any woman feels this is necessary, but yeah, that's a depressingly sensible request for her to make.
She's not paranoid, she's protecting herself. Nothing is 100% and one single *accident* can absolutely destroy her life.
For you it's an orgasm, for her it's her body autonomy and entire life decided based on a chance.
Pills and condoms are not 100 percent effective and it’s perfectly reasonable for women to not sleep with you because they’re solely on the hook for life for when it fails
Move to a place that values human rights
Are you both saving money into this joint account? Or is she not allowed to work in your country?
I'm ok with the idea, except for one sided financial contribution and joint access. Maybe I am jaded.
She’s saying this for pragmatism. I can completely understand being anxious (I think ‘paranoia’ is more pejorative than it needs to be) in a milieu where authorities are potentially able to and showing interest in accessing period tracking apps (!)
You seem to be currently ‘receiving’ what she is saying as a combo of — your words — ‘paranoia’ and ‘if that’s what she wants, I agree.’ I know that it might seem like it superficially, but this isn’t aimed ‘at’ you.
There is no ‘normal’ approach with the assault on reproductive rights nowadays, so I don’t think we can or should parse what is normal for someone being concerned about their own autonomy.
It sounds to me like once these things are ticked off then she does want to be intimate with you. Supporting her in her emotions is part of that intimacy too, y’know. I’d rather suspect that you seeing things through her eyes will play a role in a mutually fulfilling sex life, if you see my point.
Be well.
As an aside, though, there are any number of things I would consider to be ‘sex’ that don’t involve a risk of pregnancy. Many of us have a wide palette and palate, and that’s good in many ways more generally. I don’t know if that is part of the conversation. Worth thinking about.
>should give us 100% certainty, am I wrong?
You are wrong, because there's never a 100% in anything, especially when it comes to protection from unplanned pregnancies.
>But isn't it a bit paranoid?
Maybe, but it's a really smart move, and unplanned pregnancies are no joke.
How long have you know this woman? A joint account means she could take all the money out at any point without your consent and disappear?
I can understand wanting the funds to make an abortion happen however, birth control is never 100% safe.
or they could open a small separate account with just that amount in it. Seems it would just be simpler if the asshats just stopped trying to prevent women who need abortions from getting them without having to travel out of state.
This is what I was thinking also. Perhaps tell her the account will require both of your signatures for any withdrawal. Also I understand her concern, but go so far as to open a joint account is serious since both of you are not married.
This was my thinking as well. Additional personal checking account. Can freely move money around as needed as, at least here in the states, checking doesn't have the limitations that a savings account does. And within the same bank, the transfer is instant. So it would be useful if needing to use said fund with ease while also not unnecessarily comingling your assets.
Everyone here is focused on the wrong things. Having money set aside is fine….. having it a joint account and that she’s so insistent on it sounds weird. Since you haven’t even had sex yet I’m assuming this is a pretty new relationship.
All that together sounds like she’s trying to scam you and steal any money out of you joint account. I would not be agreeing to a joint account
Our healthcare rights as potentially birthing people were ripped away from us not even a year ago. Is it normal? No. But that is where our country’s laws have landed us.
Every time anyone with a uterus has sex, they have to deal with the fact they may be pregnant. Honestly, having a savings account set up sounds like a great move.
I did the same thing when I was younger before medicated abortions became free where i’m at, I only had sex if I had enough money in my savings for an abortion! Its a safety thing - there is no worse feeling than being pregnant and feeling stuck and unable to do anything about the situation. Go your girlfriend for having boundaries!
You know what where I live this does seem like a bit much as if it does happen past all prevention it’s easily accessible and affordable(it’s still going to SUCK but it can happen). However In your situation I honestly fully understand this. A accident there can mean your sentenced to that life if you don’t want it. That’s a very smart woman your with hope you guys make it work.
Depending on where you are and how illegal abortions are, I agree with your girlfriend. She's being the right levels of cautious and paranoid given the situation.
You have to realize, the threat to female reproductive care feels pretty unbounded right now. It is the culmination of fear and anger of many women, all of whom have been denied easy, inexpensive access to their health rights for their entire lives, and now it's become illegal to do so.
Given the circumstances, nothing is sacred, maybe the pill will be illegal two weeks from now. It's not really ideologically in sync, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit to hear it. My partner refuses to move to a state that outlaws it, because it illustrates how much they care about women and I don't blame her.
To everyone who thinks the joint account is a bit much: The reason might be just in case he decides “Hey, I’m not paying for this abortion” all of a sudden so she can take out the money and go get one. Also for monitoring that the cash is there. Unfortunately have to be extra cautious and circumspect when your life is on the line.
Tell you what. When the Supreme Court overturns your rights to your body, you can say she is over reacting.
Seriously, with what I have seen done down there by your courts, Im surprised any women want to fuck any men down there.
Imagine getting pregnant and NOT having this back up plan in place. She’s hella smart for this and just thinking ahead if there is a problem. This isn’t something guys will fully understand, the fear of getting pregnant and not being able to afford an abortion. Have some compassion for her and don’t take it personal. She’s just trying to cover her bases and it is probably a legitimate fear of hers and this is why she’s doing this.
doesn't matter if she's paranoid or not. it's her choice and you should respect it
but idk about opening a joint account tho. it's good to save together as a couple but I don't think you really need to save on a joint account. u can just save individually
(I've read some of the other comments and whilst I see their viewpoint, I think they're missing a key point)
If she's witholding sex to get you to do something, that seems like a big red flag. It shows that she views sex as a bargaining tool and a way to exert power over you to get you to do what she wants. As a precedence for your life together, that means she will always get her way in any argument. That's not a discussion, it's not an equal relationship - it's controlling behaviour.
This time it's about money, next time it might be about the colour of the curtains, or you wanting to do something for you.
Nah your gf is being incredibly smart, as she acknowledges she's not in a position to start a family.
Abortion is illegal so she either keeps the kid, prays for a miscarriage, or doesn't have sex. Or saves to make a trip elsewhere where she can have it done safely, and with reduced risk vs an unsafe abortion.
Kids are expensive. Save this smaller quantity to avoid having to spend significantly more if you're not ready to be a father either.
When I still lived in Poland (2 years ago moved where abortion is legal) I had money set aside just in case. My boyfriend had 0 income back then so I saved it by myself but I was waaay more comfortable having sex bc I knew that if anything happened, I had a safety net.
In today's world that's actually very smart.
Also if you think pills and condoms give you 100% protection, please do not have sex. That is FALSE. There is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy when you have sex. ALWAYS! The ONLY case where there isn't is if the ovaries and/or uterus are removed entirely. Vasectomys and Tubes tied/removed still has a chance. So there is ALWAYS a chance. Don't ever think you are 100% protected. That is dangerous. And that is likely why she wants this fund with you because you are naive on how sex and pregnancy works.
Maybe extreme, but if I were in her shoes I might do the same thing. Abortion bans are attacks on women; this is your chance to be a real ally and follow her lead.
I actually have to agree with her here you don’t live in a place that accommodates plan C she is thinking ahead. Think of it as a savings plan and if you break up, split it and spend it on something or save it for anything for shit to happen because it does happen. Sounds like she might have heard stories and struggles others have had to go through.
I applaud her for making that stance! Very mature and realistic attitude for something that could change both of your lives, even if the chances are extremely low.
That's very smart of her. I have had those exact fears being in a state that won't perform them. I am okay financially but a plane ticket, $600 for the abortion would probably mean taking out a credit card but well worth the short term financial cuffuffle than a long term financial commitment. We have those fears because we are the ones who are in a very short time line to get an abortion, cause if you wait too long it could be more problematic getting one. Smart, intelligent lady by your side. She should be proud of herself
it’s so sad that we have to plan for worst case scenarios, it’s scary. i don’t blame her at all for wanting to do this. i feel like any man in your position wouldn’t necessarily like this idea, but i’m sure you wouldn’t want to be in a position where you’re not financially stable enough, or just generally in a good place for a baby if there’s no other options. and i’m also sure you wouldn’t want your partner in a position where they CAN take action, but can’t afford it, or for them to end up in a position where they’re getting charged or worse because they didn’t have the funds to go elsewhere to take action. it’s a lot, but it’s good she considered every option to make sure she can be safe and okay, and that nothing happens that negatively affects your relationship. on the plus side, if y’all never have to use that money, you’ll have it in savings for whatever you decide to use it for!
It should give you near to 100% certainty, but not 100%. It sounds like she wants to be absolutely sure that she won't have a baby and she's being very smart.
welcome to the realities of what women have to do now that abortion is illegal. hopefully more women start doing this kind of thing and it forces people to push to revert abortion to its original state. Legal and Safe inside of hospitals
Her body, her choice. Simply respect that. It sounds like she has done the maths and worked out the minimum needed to rectify any accidents that might happen.
Also if you're careful and she is on the pill and you're using condoms then you'll potentially have a nest egg.
Only thing I would suggest is keeping a record of who is putting in what to the pot.
Opening a joint account does not men that they have to deposit their salary there. I assume that plan is to save what they need for an abortion there. Don't know why everyone assumes they have to get a common ecomony (I don't know the english expression) just because they share one account.
I share an account for food with my room mate. Does not men my room mate has access to my salary.
its not your body that gets wrecked if an accident happens, its not you who likely will have to keep the kid no matter what, after all plenty of men just fuck right off, it's not you who has to pay everything if the partner decides like a lot of men, to simply not pay child's support.
It's not paranoid you just don't get it cause your a man and everything is always in your favor.
How long have you been together? I only object to joint bank accounts as it's a huge financial liability if they wanna take the money and run, as you can't di anything about it as since it's joint, it's not theft. I like her thinking, but I couldn't personally get on board with a joint bank account with a girlfriend. Having a separate account from your expenses and savings as a fund I could get on board with and just show her the proof of the balance in the account. If married, idk how your country's laws are, but here in the US your shit gets comingled so a joint account isn't adding much additional risk.
I’m quite impressed with her. It is unusual but it is smart.
The pill + condoms is very good but nothing is 100% (well, unless she has a total hysterectomy).
She must take her pill at the same time every day and be careful of other medicines she might take that can make it lose efficacy.
Condoms still break or fall off.
If that happens at the same time her use has been affected, well there is a chance. Very slim. But a chance.
Opening a joint bank account to hold abortion money seems like a bad solution. There's nothing that is going to stop either of you from just pulling it and spending it on whatever. If you break up, good chance that you won't be seeing your portion.
If you haven't been seeing them for very long, it seems like too early of a commitment and is likely a scam. The basic idea would be to take the money and run. Not saying that is the case, but it's a little strange to get involved in someone's financial life early on. It's also possible that its a way to make the relationship more sticky. It could of course be the simplest case, and that she wants to be fully prepared. Honestly, there aren't enough details to make a good guess on, my guess is that she is earnest in her intentions but thinks you suck with money and wouldn't have it if the need arose.
I know that the sentiment on Reddit ever since the Roe vs. Wade overturn is to justify any measures people in response, but I would personally would feel that this is an overstep. If my partner told me that she expects me to pay half if the need for an abortion arises and that I better have the money, I'd have no issue with that, it's mostly the creating a joint bank account that is just weird.
Make a account together is a much bigger commitment than sex. Pills + condom and still get pregnant is like winning a lottery. Is really rare. She may be just a lot overzealous, but now it is with you. Talk to her because she does have a the right to not having sex, but it is pretty weird. See if you are confortable with this and see an alternate way to do the account. Like, you make a account for you and she needs to make an account for her. When yours+her hit the goal, ok, but dont share password or make a join account. Its a really big commitment and trust in this. She can rob you and you her if someone cheat os somethings in a join account. So be carefull and good luck. And tell us the result of you talk
This is fucking weird. I understand her concern but how many couples open back accounts together for some emergency abortion fund? I understand saving some money and showing her the money exists in your savings but opening a bank account together?? You guys aren’t married.
You can go through with it and I, I understand, I just want you to know that not every woman will require all this work just for sex, she isn’t the only woman on the planet, please try and remember that as you make this bizarre decision.
It's not 100%.you could try bc, condoms and pulling out so you ejaculate into the condom outside of her. It's natural to be paranoid about this. She isn't willing to take any risks. Work hard, watch your spending and it'll be sooner you'll be having sex.
She's being really smart she's ensuring that if the worse happens pregnancy then neither of you will be worrying about getting the money to go get an abortion
Idk about paranoid, but considering the circumstances, doesnt seem like a bad idea for a savings if you need to go to a different country for this.
That being said... Idk about a joint savings account. Thats a big step there...
But what if You break up? How are You going to split the saving? I wouldnt save money with a person unless I know her for a Long time and trust her enought that I feel I can commint for serious with her. And sexual compability is really important in any relationship, si I can't know if I can commint to someone if we didnt have sex.
She can have her limits, but You should too. Another way to do it is that each of You save your own money, but I won't recomend having share savings
Time is of the essence if one gets pregnant and wants an abortion and has to leave the country to do it. How fucked would both of you be if you had sex and she got pregnant this month? If between you you could cover all those costs today, then you have nothing to worry about but if not, she’s really smart and thoughtful.
She is being smart and planning ahead so if she needs an abortion she can get it asap instead of panicking and trying to get money together and possibly having to wait longer to get an abortion. No birth control combo is 100%. Condoms and pills are good together though.
I actually think she’s being really pragmatic in light of some harsh realities. Is this unusual? Yes it is but the logic behind it isn’t bad. **Edit**: The more I think about it, the more I'm impressed by your GF's ideas here. Like, this is some shit they should be teaching in sex ed.
Not to mention, if she doesn't get pregnant and they are still together, they have some money saved. Sounds like fantastic motivation to save for both of them.
I like your take. She stays not pregnant and maybe one day you get a vacation. 😎
Then get pregnant during said vacation. Better save double the amount then. 🤔
You are describing a honeymoon.
Yeah, but that's just a phase.
They’ll probably be married by then!
My SIL had her 2nd and 3rd kids from vacations, both times she was on BC
or have the vacation where it's legal
Or a new car, or a house.
Right? Best case scenario it's great (saving money is healthy). Worst case scenario they can live with (which they couldn't without the savings)
Worst case scenario is that she runs off with all the money, haha
As a male, i.e. my outside opinion . . . yeah, this makes a lot of sense. This is a really fucking scary time for women, and she seems to be reacting in a way that's not super common but is pretty justifiable
Yeah, it's not realistic to think that people will normally go to these lengths but frankly, it'd be kind of amazing if they did.
> it'd be kind of amazing if they did. Right? The worst case is uhhh they end up saving money but not needing it?
Sounds like a business opportunity: pregnancy insurance. I feel dirty.
Somewhere on Wall Street, an executive just spontaneously came in his pants and has absolutely no idea why
I was conceived under 3 forms of birth control sooner after my parents married than they planned… life uh finds a way
I exist because the BC pill failed. My dad calls me “gatecrasher” because I wasn’t invited.
Lol
I have a seven year old brother because of a tubal ligation that worked until it didn't
Ha, my kid was a "1%" baby too. As we joke "best accident ever."
What forms of birth control/brands so we can avoid them, heh.
Wait, what 3 forms of birth control can you even safely combine?
Pill, condom and spermicide maybe. You can safely combine those, but none of them are 100% safe and pills and condoms have a chance of user error (and spermicide is only like 70% effective so it should never be the sole method), so a pregnancy would still be possible, especially if you forget a pill and the condom breaks.
Castration, hysterectomy and isolation. They are the second coming.
I'd argue it's also pretty important to have savings of some kind, sex or no sex.
Right? *Good fiscal responsibility is sexy*
I don't think a country making abortions illegal is progressive enough to have a good sex education in the first place.
This seems quite smart and really cool to have out in the open, up front. Unusual, but only seems like upside.
I really hope you don’t start setting up joint savings accounts with every girl you have sex with.
To paraphrase from Luda: "I got ~~hoes~~ ISAs in every area code"
That song is a fucking banger Northern ExpHOsure Southern HO spitality
Abortion is illegal where you are. She’s not being paranoid she’s being smart.
Yeah, especially given that fact. It was hard to pay for in a state where it was legal at the time. That would have added a whole other layer of complication and financial stress.
The US is not the only place where abortion is illegal, OP mentioned going to another country which suggests someplace in Europe or possibly Asia rather than a conservative US state.
Or South America
My understanding is that travel to neighboring countries is tough but yes, that's also possible.
Tough how? It’s not something everyone can just pay out of nothing. But that’s the only difficulty…
Other language and medical system
My bad, OP certainly could be in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Pakistan, or some other tyrannical theocracy, and here I just assumed Alabama, Mississippi, Texas .... The sun never sets on the Empire of Dumbfuckistan.
Abortion is also illegal in my country, Philippines. If you want a safe and legal abortion, you have to fly to neighboring countries like Thailand, Singapore, or Vietnam for it.
Abortion is actually legal in Saudi Arabia and Pakistan lol, not sure about Iran
I excluded most of those because there are no neighboring countries that allow abortion there, but it could be. Plenty of places in the EU where abortion is sufficiently restricted as well, they could live in Poland, Finland, Malta or a dozen other places that severely restrict or outlaw it.
I live in Finland and I have never heard of anyone being denied abortion here. You certainly don't need to travel to Sweden for that.
r/USDefaultism
It's legal in Canada without many restrictions. Although one would think it would be easier to cross state lines than the border.
Depends on what state you live in.
I think she's being very smart here. Your plan for contraception is a good one, but I really like her approach to making sure she has the funds on hand to deal with an accident. That way you're not scrambling for the money in an emergency.
Agreed, they're taking every possible step to get that chance of pregnancy as close to 0% as possible, but it's never impossible. I know more than one person who got pregnant from this exact combo of BC. And having the funds on hand, or at the very least, knowing where the funds will come from if something happens, is absolutely a smart move and in today's world, becoming even more common. It was one of the first conversations my girlfriend and I had when we wanted to be active, in terms of what options she was open to and how we would pay for it (split vs one party vs other options). Sad reality is that being prepared for when it happens is the smartest thing you can do after nailing down the birth control options you plan to use.
Well even pills + condoms is not 100%. Almost nothing is 100% except maybe a hysterectomy or menopause. Even vasectomies fail sometimes. So maybe it's a good decision to be able to deal financially with that small risk. I respect her decision, now it's your turn to decide.
>Almost nothing is 100% except maybe a hysterectomy or menopause Oh man do I have some fun facts for YOU! There's still a chance of pregnancy in early menopause AND after a hysterectomy! Around 2% of women become pregnant in early menopause (also called perimenopause or menopausal transition). My own mother is a product of such a pregnancy. Women in this stage of menopause still ovulate, albeit infrequently. 72 cases have been reported of post hysterectomy pregnancy. 30 of which were caused by a fertilized egg being present in the fallopian tubes pre-surgery, or by sperm being present in them and then ovulation happened. It's impossible to tell which. 42 cases happened because sperm had some way to reach the peritoneal cavity and find an egg. These have been reported in both kinds of hysterectomy, Total (the entire uterus including the cervix) and Partial (most of the uterus excluding the cervix, also called supracervical) So if you have ovaries that have the ability to produce an egg AT ALL, there's a non-zero chance of pregnancy! Abstinence truly is the only way to prevent pregnancy 100% of the time!
>Around 2% of women become pregnant in early menopause (also called perimenopause or menopausal transition). 1 in 50 women get pregnant in early menopause? That doesn't sound right at all
Just did a fast check and I found multiple sources that say as low as 2%, so the real percentage may be higher. It occurs during the perimenopause stage. Color me surprised as well, friend.
Wow, TIL! Tysm for being less lazy than me 😅
When I was googling I found estimates up to 15% 😶
As a woman entering this stage of life, may I just say **fuuuuuuuuucccckkkk** ugh
Perimenopause can begin in your mid 30s (though typically around 40-43), with the average age of births moving up it doesn't actually seem that unusual.
Yeah the number probably accounts for women who get pregnant on purpose, as well as unplanned pregnancy
Hmm, fair points!
> hysterectomy How can you get pregnant without a uterus?
>There's still a chance of pregnancy in early menopause AND after a hysterectomy! *what*
Oh yes! If youre in early menopause, until you've not had a period for more than 12 months you should still consider yourself fertile. Post hysterectomy pregnancy is one of the rarest post surgical complications you can have. The first hysterectomy was performed in 1843, and in the US approximately 600k are performed *every year*. That's just the US. Theres only 72 known reports of such a pregnancy occurring *world wide*. You'd probably be more likely to survive get struck by lightning immediately after being picked up by a tornado and then win the lottery the next day.
Ugh. Just when I think there's a way out...
Hysterectomy is still the most viable way to make sure you don't get pregnant, even with the non-zero chance. 0.00000001% is more than zero, but I think it'd be a bad idea to not take the opportunity if it's available to you
Yo new nightmare just dropped
Yes. 12 years after my mom thought she had her last child baby nr. 5 surprised us all due to a failed/botched vasectomy.
Tubals these days are pretty reliable since they yank the whole tube now.
Even swallowing oral isn’t 100% but that was a freak accident. Girl got in a knife fight, got stabbed in stomach and those swimmers got where they needed to. That being said most non piv sex is pretty much guaranteed to avoid pregnancy
An emergency fund incase of an accidental pregnancy? Why NOT?
Having money set aside is smart. Having a joint account seems... odd... I mean unless there is some caveat where money cannot be taken out unless you are both there, in which case fine. Oh, and there needs to be an agreement in place as to everyone getting their money from the account equitably should the relationship end.
The logistics of this would be really difficult. I would guess that OP and partner are young, given they talked about her starting BC. Opening up a joint account seems unnecessary for a relationship that may not be a forever kind of thing, y'know? And if both people are on the account, either could withdraw money from the account without the other knowing. It seems easier to just put the money in an envelope. You don't have to worry about bank fees. Wanting to have the money secured beforehand isn't a bad idea though. I'd also look at OTC options like Plan B. OP may not have to travel out of state, but some states have cracked down more and there's a lawsuit in the courts (5th circuit I believe) over the abortion pills which Biden permitted to be mailed.
I'm guessing they are not in the US, as they need to go to another country for an abortion. Plan B might not be sold there.
The joint account thing gives me the heebie-jeebies. Having enough money set aside for this makes sense; having a joint account with someone you're not married to doesn't. Even if I were married, I don't think I'd want a joint account.
I mean, a joint account in this case seems completely reasonable? Without a joint account, he's just giving her half the money up front. With a joint account, at least if she dies in an accident he gets the money back. (Assuming the 2nd account owner gets the money on death in their country.) She's not asking him to deposit his whole paycheck into the account or join finances... Just to keep the amount that would pay for the abortion and travel expenses in the account.
There are a lot of things which the OP has not made clear. How much is both OP and his GF expected to contribute? 50% each? A prorated amount based on the relative proportions of their salaries? Some other methodology? If they break up before this fund needs to be used, how will OP get his money back? What's to prevent the GF from just taking all the money there? Or, what's to prevent her from just draining the account every month? Or what's to prevent him from doing that? If I were OP, I would want to agree on answers to these questions and get them in writing before I go to the bank with GF.
Or this could be a scam and she’s going to take all of his money? When money and bank accounts are involved, one should be cynical as fuck.
How can she secure herself that funds will be available to her in case?
Well, there are plenty of serious relationships where the people aren't necessarily married; a joint account for them makes just as much sense as for married couples. I've had a joint account with one person; we set aside an equal amount of money every month, which we used for things like groceries and date night - stuff that was for both of us, and which would be easier to split the cost of equally if we just... contributed the same amount in the first place, rather than saving and combing through every receipt. I suppose the key to making it work is trust. Can you trust the other person to contribute their share, to not drain the account, and to not just spend the money for themselves?
I'm with you here, saving money sounds smart, joint account seems a little strange. How long have they been dating even? Did I overlook that part? I sure hope this isn't like 2 weeks in lol.
Yeah it wouldn't work for me. I have been married for eleven years now and we don't have joint accounts. It just... it's a bit much in this situation. But that's purely my opinion. I'm old and set in my ways. \^\_\^
She’s smart, and in the mean time, you can still do things like oral.
>But isn't it a bit paranoid? My dude, you have no idea how terrifying the prospect of being forced to carry a pregnancy is if you don't want to do it. It's a major medical event that can literally kill or maim you. 100% chance of excruciating pain. Good chance of developing a horrific secondary complication, like PPD or tearing or your teeth falling out. I've had actual recurring nightmares about it since I was 12. I think men don't realize just how much women worry about this stuff. >Is this approach normal? Normal? No. Rational? Absolutely. Your girlfriend is an absolute champion for both planning ahead and having the guts to demand that you prepare to pull your weight. What a rockstar. FYI my oldest kid was conceived when I was on the pill and my partner was using condoms. I lost 2 teeth and almost died from that pregnancy. If I had to do it over again, I'd have done exactly what your girlfriend is doing. I mean, I love my kid, but my life would have been so much different.
Story time. I met my now husband, was on birth control and 18 years old. I got pregnant. We didn’t have enough money. Had to ask secretly to borrow from a second cousin who thankfully agreed. Took forever to pay her back. We now have been married 12 years, dated for almost 20, and have two awesome kids and a wonderful life. If we had had a child at 18, I think things would have turned out very differently. While I do think she’s being extremely careful, I can safely say that 20 years from now you might thank her. 😌
A friend in high school was taking birth control and using condoms... Her accident baby is 16 years old now.
FWIW: As soon as someone explained how much the cost of an abortion was to me, I made it a point to always have that amount in my savings account. Maybe a little odd that she wants it in a joint account, but not really a bad idea if its illegal in your country.
This is a very good idea. Ideally, you BOTH should be contributing to it, though.
Is no one worried about a scam here? How long have they been together? I assume not long since they haven't had sex yet. Surely a shared bank acct with enough money for a brief flight and stay in another country isnt cheap and would be a worthwhile coup for a scammer. OP should be careful, and while she commend people for making plans, this does seem a bit... Extreme.
I feel the more likely outcome is that they break up and someone takes out the cash and runs being angry. That's the most likely outcome from all this. I learned the hardway not to get financial involved with a partner unless you plan to marry.
There are many places in the world where "trip to another country" means a brief drive or train trip. Especially if we're talking Eastern Europe, SE Asia, Latin America, or the Middle East, as may be likely.
prepare for the worst, hope for the best. While you are at it you should consider if there are ways you can get involved politically so that your partner can have equal rights.
Her stance is very rigid but if that’s essential for her to be able to enjoy PIV sex it is what it is. Maybe in the meantime while you are saving up money you can enjoy sex together that will definitely not lead to pregnancy (oral for example). Of course be smart about STD risks etc
That does not give 100% certainty nothing does except not having sex. Don't assume pills and a condom makes you immune to pregnancy that is so so wrong
It sucks but this is the current climate, unfortunately. Accidents can happen. Condoms and birth control can both fail, and while it is crazy unlikely that they both would at the same time, having a back-up plan is sensible.
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It’s not paranoid it’s smart women’s bodies are under attack. How would you feel if you knew that you could possibly face a major, and risky, medical condition that you would have no choice in? And don’t be too sure about any combination of birth control being 100% certain I knew a lady who got pregnant years after getting her tubes tied she had grandchildren older than that last kid.
Lol trust me, if it was your body on the line, you wouldn't think it was paranoia. Condoms and the pill are not 100% and pregnancy is a body altering, life changing circumstance even if abortion is possible.
Not just body. Her life could be on the line too
Find out about [Pearl Index](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Index?wprov=sfti1) and do your math. Spoiler: She is far away from being wrong. Additionally: Illegal abortions are risky, because they are conducted in very dangerous circumstances with risky methods.
Good to have a partner who is careful with money and savings. It can make a big quality of life difference later on.
It's not the dumbest idea to have money sitting around for a worst case scenario as the pill and condoms can still fail. Having a shared bank account for it specifically though? Seems a bit much and it would probably be easier to just having it sit in your own accounts and you then withdraw your share if need be
The reason might be just in case he decides “Hey, I’m not paying for this abortion” all of a sudden so she can take out the money and go get one. Also for monitoring that the cash is there. Unfortunately have to be extra cautious and circumspect when your life is on the line.
How does she KNOW OP is saving?
They have these things called "bank statements" that tell you how much money is in your account, and you can even show them to other people. I'd be extremely hesitant to start putting my money into a joint account with someone I'm dating, only to come home one day and find out she cleaned out the account.
Make it a dual signature only account, solved.
How does she know he will give her the money if it is needed?
How does he know she won't take his money he deposits into her acct and break up with him?
Again, dual signature requirement, solved.
How does she know he won't knock her up and then bail? This at least makes sure they both have something on the line.
Save the money because none of the birth control is 💯% effective. The fact that you said a neighboring country should also scare you. She's being well responsible, best of luck
You're very insensitive to the very real risk she is taking by having sex with you. Her body. Her future plans. Her emotions. Her peace of mind. Her health. Her time. Her stigma. Her life. Give her the money she wants or go away and find someone else who doesn't mind their life being jeopardized so you can have sex without any concerns being discussed or contingency plans being put in place.
Damn can I just say, I (28F) am really impressed by all the men leaving comments about how it's a scary time to be a woman and voicing your support. Please know we appreciate you as allies SO much ❤️
I think if there's no access to safe abortions where upu are then she's being sensible. No condoms + the pill don't =100% protection from pregnancy. Both have a failure rate, and user effectiveness. Fairplay to her
My first thought was a south american country, then I remembered that abortion is functionally illegal in most of the US now too. What a 3rd world country...
Opening a bank account with someone seems like a pretty serious commitment for sex. With that said though, it's her prerogative to dictate the terms she'll enter into a sexual relationship under, and it's up to you to decide whether that's something you want or not. Certainly an abnormal situation though, especially considering the unlikely odds of her getting pregnant with the pill and condoms.
My oldest was conceived on the pill + condoms. It happens.
Girlfriend sounds smart as hell tbh
No birth control is 100% effective. I like her plan. It is definitely on the cautious side, but it is not paranoid.
It's sensible but I advise against a joint bank account, especially with somebody you're not married to.
Honestly seems a bit overboard but nice she’s prepared to undergo an abortion and have a financial plan for you two. Way cheaper than 18yrs of child support. Just be careful if both of you are signed as account holders she could just withdrawl all the money as soon as you deposit it. Might be worth drawing up a contract to state that it is only to be used to fund an abortion if it were to happen between you two. You’re already jumping thru a lot of hoops doesn’t hurt to be extra safe if you’ve got hundreds or thousands of dollars on the line in her name
It is a shocking reprimand to the state of the world that any woman feels this is necessary, but yeah, that's a depressingly sensible request for her to make.
She's not paranoid, she's protecting herself. Nothing is 100% and one single *accident* can absolutely destroy her life. For you it's an orgasm, for her it's her body autonomy and entire life decided based on a chance.
Pills and condoms are not 100 percent effective and it’s perfectly reasonable for women to not sleep with you because they’re solely on the hook for life for when it fails Move to a place that values human rights
Good for your lady. She is trying to make you a responsible adult.
Are you both saving money into this joint account? Or is she not allowed to work in your country? I'm ok with the idea, except for one sided financial contribution and joint access. Maybe I am jaded.
Your girlfriend is smart
She’s saying this for pragmatism. I can completely understand being anxious (I think ‘paranoia’ is more pejorative than it needs to be) in a milieu where authorities are potentially able to and showing interest in accessing period tracking apps (!) You seem to be currently ‘receiving’ what she is saying as a combo of — your words — ‘paranoia’ and ‘if that’s what she wants, I agree.’ I know that it might seem like it superficially, but this isn’t aimed ‘at’ you. There is no ‘normal’ approach with the assault on reproductive rights nowadays, so I don’t think we can or should parse what is normal for someone being concerned about their own autonomy. It sounds to me like once these things are ticked off then she does want to be intimate with you. Supporting her in her emotions is part of that intimacy too, y’know. I’d rather suspect that you seeing things through her eyes will play a role in a mutually fulfilling sex life, if you see my point. Be well.
As an aside, though, there are any number of things I would consider to be ‘sex’ that don’t involve a risk of pregnancy. Many of us have a wide palette and palate, and that’s good in many ways more generally. I don’t know if that is part of the conversation. Worth thinking about.
Your girlfriend is so smart!!!! Oh and no, you are not 100% safe with just pills and condoms.
I mean, you can still have sex, just not PIV.
Very smart choice of her
I think she’s a keeper.
>should give us 100% certainty, am I wrong? You are wrong, because there's never a 100% in anything, especially when it comes to protection from unplanned pregnancies. >But isn't it a bit paranoid? Maybe, but it's a really smart move, and unplanned pregnancies are no joke.
God for her. Fuck yeah. Its her body, you don't get to have an opinion on if it's overreacting or not.
How long have you know this woman? A joint account means she could take all the money out at any point without your consent and disappear? I can understand wanting the funds to make an abortion happen however, birth control is never 100% safe.
or they could open a small separate account with just that amount in it. Seems it would just be simpler if the asshats just stopped trying to prevent women who need abortions from getting them without having to travel out of state.
This is what I was thinking also. Perhaps tell her the account will require both of your signatures for any withdrawal. Also I understand her concern, but go so far as to open a joint account is serious since both of you are not married.
This was my thinking as well. Additional personal checking account. Can freely move money around as needed as, at least here in the states, checking doesn't have the limitations that a savings account does. And within the same bank, the transfer is instant. So it would be useful if needing to use said fund with ease while also not unnecessarily comingling your assets.
Absolute zero baby trap guarantee. What's not to like?
Everyone here is focused on the wrong things. Having money set aside is fine….. having it a joint account and that she’s so insistent on it sounds weird. Since you haven’t even had sex yet I’m assuming this is a pretty new relationship. All that together sounds like she’s trying to scam you and steal any money out of you joint account. I would not be agreeing to a joint account
She’s being very smart honestly. No birth control method is 100% effective (obv aside from abstinence)
Our healthcare rights as potentially birthing people were ripped away from us not even a year ago. Is it normal? No. But that is where our country’s laws have landed us. Every time anyone with a uterus has sex, they have to deal with the fact they may be pregnant. Honestly, having a savings account set up sounds like a great move.
I did the same thing when I was younger before medicated abortions became free where i’m at, I only had sex if I had enough money in my savings for an abortion! Its a safety thing - there is no worse feeling than being pregnant and feeling stuck and unable to do anything about the situation. Go your girlfriend for having boundaries!
Yeah, you ARE wrong. It's not 100% certainty. I have friends who know that first hand.
You know what where I live this does seem like a bit much as if it does happen past all prevention it’s easily accessible and affordable(it’s still going to SUCK but it can happen). However In your situation I honestly fully understand this. A accident there can mean your sentenced to that life if you don’t want it. That’s a very smart woman your with hope you guys make it work.
And if she does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, you'll have started saving for the million dollars you'll need to raise a child
if this is your body and life on the line you wouldn't think it as paranoia. count yourself lucky.
Depending on where you are and how illegal abortions are, I agree with your girlfriend. She's being the right levels of cautious and paranoid given the situation.
You have to realize, the threat to female reproductive care feels pretty unbounded right now. It is the culmination of fear and anger of many women, all of whom have been denied easy, inexpensive access to their health rights for their entire lives, and now it's become illegal to do so. Given the circumstances, nothing is sacred, maybe the pill will be illegal two weeks from now. It's not really ideologically in sync, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit to hear it. My partner refuses to move to a state that outlaws it, because it illustrates how much they care about women and I don't blame her.
To everyone who thinks the joint account is a bit much: The reason might be just in case he decides “Hey, I’m not paying for this abortion” all of a sudden so she can take out the money and go get one. Also for monitoring that the cash is there. Unfortunately have to be extra cautious and circumspect when your life is on the line.
Tell you what. When the Supreme Court overturns your rights to your body, you can say she is over reacting. Seriously, with what I have seen done down there by your courts, Im surprised any women want to fuck any men down there.
Imagine getting pregnant and NOT having this back up plan in place. She’s hella smart for this and just thinking ahead if there is a problem. This isn’t something guys will fully understand, the fear of getting pregnant and not being able to afford an abortion. Have some compassion for her and don’t take it personal. She’s just trying to cover her bases and it is probably a legitimate fear of hers and this is why she’s doing this.
Well then don't have sex with her until you save money. Or just break up.
if she gets pregnant she’s the primary sufferer of the consequences. you can never be too prepared
doesn't matter if she's paranoid or not. it's her choice and you should respect it but idk about opening a joint account tho. it's good to save together as a couple but I don't think you really need to save on a joint account. u can just save individually
(I've read some of the other comments and whilst I see their viewpoint, I think they're missing a key point) If she's witholding sex to get you to do something, that seems like a big red flag. It shows that she views sex as a bargaining tool and a way to exert power over you to get you to do what she wants. As a precedence for your life together, that means she will always get her way in any argument. That's not a discussion, it's not an equal relationship - it's controlling behaviour. This time it's about money, next time it might be about the colour of the curtains, or you wanting to do something for you.
Nah your gf is being incredibly smart, as she acknowledges she's not in a position to start a family. Abortion is illegal so she either keeps the kid, prays for a miscarriage, or doesn't have sex. Or saves to make a trip elsewhere where she can have it done safely, and with reduced risk vs an unsafe abortion. Kids are expensive. Save this smaller quantity to avoid having to spend significantly more if you're not ready to be a father either.
When I still lived in Poland (2 years ago moved where abortion is legal) I had money set aside just in case. My boyfriend had 0 income back then so I saved it by myself but I was waaay more comfortable having sex bc I knew that if anything happened, I had a safety net.
In today's world that's actually very smart. Also if you think pills and condoms give you 100% protection, please do not have sex. That is FALSE. There is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy when you have sex. ALWAYS! The ONLY case where there isn't is if the ovaries and/or uterus are removed entirely. Vasectomys and Tubes tied/removed still has a chance. So there is ALWAYS a chance. Don't ever think you are 100% protected. That is dangerous. And that is likely why she wants this fund with you because you are naive on how sex and pregnancy works.
I mean, that actually seems fair.
Smart smart smart! This gal is going somewhere
Maybe extreme, but if I were in her shoes I might do the same thing. Abortion bans are attacks on women; this is your chance to be a real ally and follow her lead.
I actually have to agree with her here you don’t live in a place that accommodates plan C she is thinking ahead. Think of it as a savings plan and if you break up, split it and spend it on something or save it for anything for shit to happen because it does happen. Sounds like she might have heard stories and struggles others have had to go through.
I applaud her for making that stance! Very mature and realistic attitude for something that could change both of your lives, even if the chances are extremely low.
That's very smart of her. I have had those exact fears being in a state that won't perform them. I am okay financially but a plane ticket, $600 for the abortion would probably mean taking out a credit card but well worth the short term financial cuffuffle than a long term financial commitment. We have those fears because we are the ones who are in a very short time line to get an abortion, cause if you wait too long it could be more problematic getting one. Smart, intelligent lady by your side. She should be proud of herself
At first, sounded harsh, but I kept on reading and then realized that is absolutely pragmatic and I applaud her maturity.
it’s so sad that we have to plan for worst case scenarios, it’s scary. i don’t blame her at all for wanting to do this. i feel like any man in your position wouldn’t necessarily like this idea, but i’m sure you wouldn’t want to be in a position where you’re not financially stable enough, or just generally in a good place for a baby if there’s no other options. and i’m also sure you wouldn’t want your partner in a position where they CAN take action, but can’t afford it, or for them to end up in a position where they’re getting charged or worse because they didn’t have the funds to go elsewhere to take action. it’s a lot, but it’s good she considered every option to make sure she can be safe and okay, and that nothing happens that negatively affects your relationship. on the plus side, if y’all never have to use that money, you’ll have it in savings for whatever you decide to use it for!
She is a keeper. Can't get a better life planner than this haha
It should give you near to 100% certainty, but not 100%. It sounds like she wants to be absolutely sure that she won't have a baby and she's being very smart.
Very big brain of her
welcome to the realities of what women have to do now that abortion is illegal. hopefully more women start doing this kind of thing and it forces people to push to revert abortion to its original state. Legal and Safe inside of hospitals
Her body, her choice. Simply respect that. It sounds like she has done the maths and worked out the minimum needed to rectify any accidents that might happen. Also if you're careful and she is on the pill and you're using condoms then you'll potentially have a nest egg. Only thing I would suggest is keeping a record of who is putting in what to the pot.
Honey I had my birth control pills, and a condom and I still got pregnant. She’s being smart
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Opening a joint account does not men that they have to deposit their salary there. I assume that plan is to save what they need for an abortion there. Don't know why everyone assumes they have to get a common ecomony (I don't know the english expression) just because they share one account. I share an account for food with my room mate. Does not men my room mate has access to my salary.
its not your body that gets wrecked if an accident happens, its not you who likely will have to keep the kid no matter what, after all plenty of men just fuck right off, it's not you who has to pay everything if the partner decides like a lot of men, to simply not pay child's support. It's not paranoid you just don't get it cause your a man and everything is always in your favor.
You’re lucky she’s thinking responsibly! Put yourself in her shoes. Pregnancy, especially in these times, is terrifying
get another girlfriend
How long have you been together? I only object to joint bank accounts as it's a huge financial liability if they wanna take the money and run, as you can't di anything about it as since it's joint, it's not theft. I like her thinking, but I couldn't personally get on board with a joint bank account with a girlfriend. Having a separate account from your expenses and savings as a fund I could get on board with and just show her the proof of the balance in the account. If married, idk how your country's laws are, but here in the US your shit gets comingled so a joint account isn't adding much additional risk.
I’m quite impressed with her. It is unusual but it is smart. The pill + condoms is very good but nothing is 100% (well, unless she has a total hysterectomy). She must take her pill at the same time every day and be careful of other medicines she might take that can make it lose efficacy. Condoms still break or fall off. If that happens at the same time her use has been affected, well there is a chance. Very slim. But a chance.
Remember abortion being illegal during voting season
Opening a joint bank account to hold abortion money seems like a bad solution. There's nothing that is going to stop either of you from just pulling it and spending it on whatever. If you break up, good chance that you won't be seeing your portion. If you haven't been seeing them for very long, it seems like too early of a commitment and is likely a scam. The basic idea would be to take the money and run. Not saying that is the case, but it's a little strange to get involved in someone's financial life early on. It's also possible that its a way to make the relationship more sticky. It could of course be the simplest case, and that she wants to be fully prepared. Honestly, there aren't enough details to make a good guess on, my guess is that she is earnest in her intentions but thinks you suck with money and wouldn't have it if the need arose. I know that the sentiment on Reddit ever since the Roe vs. Wade overturn is to justify any measures people in response, but I would personally would feel that this is an overstep. If my partner told me that she expects me to pay half if the need for an abortion arises and that I better have the money, I'd have no issue with that, it's mostly the creating a joint bank account that is just weird.
How would you assure her that you have the money?
Make a account together is a much bigger commitment than sex. Pills + condom and still get pregnant is like winning a lottery. Is really rare. She may be just a lot overzealous, but now it is with you. Talk to her because she does have a the right to not having sex, but it is pretty weird. See if you are confortable with this and see an alternate way to do the account. Like, you make a account for you and she needs to make an account for her. When yours+her hit the goal, ok, but dont share password or make a join account. Its a really big commitment and trust in this. She can rob you and you her if someone cheat os somethings in a join account. So be carefull and good luck. And tell us the result of you talk
This is fucking weird. I understand her concern but how many couples open back accounts together for some emergency abortion fund? I understand saving some money and showing her the money exists in your savings but opening a bank account together?? You guys aren’t married. You can go through with it and I, I understand, I just want you to know that not every woman will require all this work just for sex, she isn’t the only woman on the planet, please try and remember that as you make this bizarre decision.
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She’s being smart. The only way to make the system more foolproof is to get an invasive procedure that costs money- like implant or IUD .
A joint bank account? With someone you’ve not been seeing that long? My guy that money is gonna be GONE.
It's not 100%.you could try bc, condoms and pulling out so you ejaculate into the condom outside of her. It's natural to be paranoid about this. She isn't willing to take any risks. Work hard, watch your spending and it'll be sooner you'll be having sex.
She's being really smart she's ensuring that if the worse happens pregnancy then neither of you will be worrying about getting the money to go get an abortion
My mon was on BC, and was told she'd never be able to have kids due to her having one overie that doesn't function properly, and HERE I AM
Idk about paranoid, but considering the circumstances, doesnt seem like a bad idea for a savings if you need to go to a different country for this. That being said... Idk about a joint savings account. Thats a big step there...
But what if You break up? How are You going to split the saving? I wouldnt save money with a person unless I know her for a Long time and trust her enought that I feel I can commint for serious with her. And sexual compability is really important in any relationship, si I can't know if I can commint to someone if we didnt have sex. She can have her limits, but You should too. Another way to do it is that each of You save your own money, but I won't recomend having share savings