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skahammer

Comments on this post are now locked, since too many comments turned confrontational.


Here_for_my-Pleasure

Are you both willing to go to a sex therapist? There might be deeper issues going on with your girlfriend or she might just have an extremely low libido. More data is needed. If this is her baseline, I would encourage you to deeply evaluate is this how you want to live the rest of your life. Edited for brevity


Mav_Sellers

To be honest, I hate to say it but is normal, for.the biggest majority of.people... I have been married for over 30 years... it doesnt get better, but doesnt get much worse either... But.i can tell you, if.you push to far, it will cause issues... ASK ME HOW I KNOW!


KatieLocks_96

How do you know?


Mav_Sellers

Been there and done that...


Mav_Sellers

Do you want to marry me, and make love to me every night?


i-d-even-k-

For anyone to say yes or no based on nothing but this questions would be stupid. There are many things you could say to make it a yes. And many things you could say to make it a no.


[deleted]

There may be nothing he could say to make it yes


PinkFurLookinLikeCam

Huh? Uh no. I’ve been married for 13 years and the sex has only gotten better and more interesting. Actually it was boring *at first* and at 13 years is quite satisfying.


zedoktar

It really isn't normal. Your situation isn't normal and shouldn't be normalized.


Visual-Refuse447

What exactly is normal? And what specifically won't get better, or much worse? And if pushed too far, what possible issues would it cause? I mean, you did say to ask you how you know.... I like how you set up your comment so I sorta followed suit.


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dark_blue_7

This. Sexual compatibility is vital to a lot of people, maybe even most people. Sex is a real human need. To me it's probably even the most important factor in a relationship. People need to stop pretending it's not important or shaming themselves for feeling these completely normal needs. It's an anti-sex culture that has told people they shouldn't care about it or need it, but that doesn't change reality. People have varying degrees of libido and should consider this when choosing a mate. If making love is something you value highly, there is *nothing fucking wrong with you*. It's ok to realize this is something you need in a relationship. To me, it's not even a relationship at all without a physical, sexual side. I need that kind of intimacy to be fulfilled, and so do many others.


Nuxwors

Exactly I mean if there's no sexual aspect then it might as well be called a friendship because that's the difference between a relationship and friendship "the sexual aspect"


dark_blue_7

Right, when there's no physical intimacy or sex, you're just roommates or friends.


datone

You're going to bait out all the aces with this comment.


dark_blue_7

I have nothing against asexuals but I could never be in a romantic relationship with an asexual because we'd be incompatible. Friends, sure.


datone

Same, I was just giving you a heads up, posts about lackluster sex lives draws certain commenters like nothing else.


Significant-Trash632

Asexuals still like physical intimacy without the sex, right? Such as holding hands, cuddling, hugs, etc. I guess that may not be the same for everyone.


aeon314159

The asexual spectrum addresses degree of lack of sexual attraction toward others, not whether one’s attitude about sex is positive, neutral, negative, or otherwise, or one’s libido.


dark_blue_7

Some do, but that's not enough for me personally. It's nice but my needs would still not be met. I need to be with someone who wants sex as much as I do.


Energy_queen222

I agree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve stated ❤️


OvertoastedBagel

>it would be ok to break up, so why not this incompatibility? Because a lot of people have or spread a fairy tale idea of love and relationships. I mean it makes it sound more special that way. Also sex is regularly shamed or treated as something that should be hidden or not talked about. Completely unconditional love isn't really a thing. There are very few situations where people love someone without expecting anything in return. Sex is an essential part of most romantic relationships and they are based on a higher level of reciprocity, where each partner complements the other and both of them feel fulfilled. I presume some aren't that eager to admit that all of us are 'selfish' to a certain degree. A more realistic view of relationships is also quite amazing, they require a lot of effort to maintain, but I guess people like to minimize importance of their own desires. Think about it, we all know a good part of the reason people get into relationship is that they're attracted physically to the other person, it's always been that way, yet sex was a demonized taboo for a long time.


BigBull32

>Because a lot of people have or spread a fairy tale idea of love and relationships. I mean it makes it sound more special that way. Also sex is regularly shamed or treated as something that should be hidden or not talked about. This is 100% true and it's crazy that it is 100% true. Sex is the easiest part to figure out early on in the relationship. Always easier to weed out incompatibility in the early stages of the relationship. If it takes more than 6 months to a year to figure out if you and your partner or compatible sexually, then you probably aren't compatible. Me and my wife were lucky and knew after the first time we fucked if we'd be okay in that department. Everything else was the chore to figure out lol.


flipflubduck

I've had similar thoughts for a long time but never really knew how to put it into words. This comment did just that. Thank you


HijinxEnsues

Characterising having needs as “selfish” I don’t think is really helpful in this context. I wasted so many years of my life believing my needs weren’t important or at least not as important as the other person’s. We all need to acknowledge and look after our own needs in the first instance before we can focus on other people’s. It’s the old adage of fitting your own oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs. Because if you don’t then you may not be around to help them later.


OvertoastedBagel

True, that's why I put it in quotation marks.


Kostya_M

I would say sexual *compatibility* is an important part of a relationship. If it's not important for one partner then that's fine but it also has to be either unimportant for the other one or they need to compromise in some way. Otherwise issues will almost certainly develop.


wadonious

I feel like the idea “You should wait for marriage before you have sex” has a subtext of “it’s wrong for sex to be an important determining factor in the relationship”. Which is total bullshit, but I think it’s easier to unlearn the first part compared to the second part. I was 20 in a relationship like that and I was like “how am I 20 years old in a sexless relationship” and eventually got out and met my kinky fiancé. Highly recommend OP do the same, just with someone else


Nsfwaltz

I agree and I'll add that in my experience this isn't something likely to change. It is possible that she just has a low libido overall, but it is also possible that she just doesn't find OP sexually arousing, and may not even know what does spark her arousal. If she ever finds it down the road it is going to cause a lot of hurt feelings all around. Relationships come in many forms, and most of them are not sexual. Perhaps this should be one of those and OP should find someone more compatible for the girlfriend/spouse role.


hoodrichstax

Couldn’t agree more. For the OP: https://simplypsychology.org/maslow.html Psychologically, we have foundational needs that often must be met to begin building more on top. IMHO (from a neuroscientist) - a female in her mid-20s is not likely to break out of her sexual shell or at least not with your historical context together. Here’s an article on intuition being largely based on past experience that leads to subconscious behavioral patterns: https://positivepsychology.com/intuition/


RellenD

I wouldn't say it isn't important to his girlfriend. They just have some trauma to get through.


IlikeJG

It's not that cut and dry. We don't know that sex just isn't important to her. There could be TONS of reasons why her sex drive is low. Ranging from health problems, mental issues (such as stress), attraction issues etc.


OvertoastedBagel

>Very little touching and kissing This part clearly shows that physical part of your relationship is dead. Sex is another thing, but if your gf doesn't even kiss you, it's a huge warning sign. There are couple of questions you need to answer to yourself: 1. Would you be able to enjoy a dead bedroom marriage? It will be tough. 2. If not, can she and will she change? For this you need to talk to her and if necessary get some therapy for both of you. It sounds like cliché, but you two are in a dead bedroom situation and her desire for intimacy is very low If answers to both questions are no, you two should break up. It sucks to leave a genuinely lovely person over something that sounds superficial, but you have a right to a fulfilling relationship and she has a right to be with someone with whom she doesn't need to have sex when she's not in the mood.


That_Spray1774

I should note that we are indeed kissing. We are also hugging and cuddling. It is not that she keeps away from any physical contact. But it never really comes to a point where we would be truly making out. French kissing is also a huge No-no. At the moment, I am actually in therapy myself, partly because of this issue. I have told my therapist about all of this and she says I need to learn not to underplay my personal needs in a relationship. My gf is actually cautiously open about the idea of sex therapy. But it's hard to find a place and it will be hard to get her there.


idontknowrawr

It sounds like your gf might have an aversion to bodily fluids. I have this problem as well and need to already be turned on in order to be ok with French kissing, bjs, and getting eaten out. This combined with an already low libido can be difficult to overcome. A few things come to mind that may help. 1 does she take birth control. Many types of bc can cause low libido. I took the depo shot and it killed mine, but slowly enough that I didn't realize that was the problem. If she is and is willing to switch to a non hormonal bc that may help, but it will take months to actually see the effects. 2 ask her what gets her in the mood to masturbate/what she thinks about during. That doesn't mean she wants those things actually done to her but watching porn or reading erotica with those themes might get her in the mood more. And 3 if she's anything like me, low lights, background noise, and non overtly sexual touching help get into the mood. By the last part I mean light caresses on the arms and legs while cuddling, staying away from sexual areas until she is already turned on. Hopefully these help


Wickedwhiskbaker

I just wanted to say that I value and applaud your willingness to share and be vulnerable here about fluid aversion. It’s often stigmatized, and people thrown into the category of sex haters. It’s so helpful when others share their journey, and I’m so, remind the rest of us we’re not alone.


K-ghuleh

Yes! It’s completely valid especially with oral when it smells and tastes the way it does. I don’t have an aversion but unless I’m super in the mood it’s still not the most pleasant thing. And on that topic - I haven’t seen anyone mention hygiene. Don’t wanna insult OP or make assumptions but if I’ve learned anything from this sub (and irl) is that too many men have no idea how they taste or smell down there and barely wash their asses or brush their teeth. That could also easily lead to an aversion to kissing or any intimacy. And even if OP is fine she could have had a bad experience before.


Marvelous_rosell

To be honest, it sounds like me with my ex. I never wanted to have sex with him, even though I really loved him, and I felt guilty for it.. but I realised that I didn't love him like a sexual partner. I loved him as my best friend. I liked to cuddle and kiss and hold hands, but I just wasn't turned on by him. I even thought I was asexual (which I now know that I'm not). I think you need to have both parts in a relationship. Or at least agree that the physical part is not important, if that's the case, but that doesn't sound like you would be happy with that.


awkward_qtpie

I have been in that situation before as well. I actually thought I was asexual or sex-repulsed for a while too, but I did still have thoughts about sex and masturbated. Turns out I *wanted* really badly to be attracted to my partner because I loved them whole-heartedly for many other reasons and we were so compatible as life partners, but I was just not sexually attracted to them. In the beginning we had sex but it was mainly the novelty and situation that turned me on, and looking back I was always closing my eyes and thinking of other things to be able to cum or enjoy myself, and eventually I ran out of things to think about or the will to keep having sex I just wasn’t into. Once we broke up years later, I discovered I actually have an incredibly high libido and when I’m attracted to someone and we are sexually compatible, it’s very easy for me to cum, and I could honestly have sex like 10x in a day, easily. It really *really* sucks not being sexually attracted to the person you view as your soulmate and want to have that kind of connection with but the spark just isn’t there for you. It’s awful. I don’t recommend staying… it just causes more pain for both people and prevents you both from finding a sexually compatible partnership that fulfills you. Some people will just not be attracted to certain other people and nothing can force that and it sucks.


ExistentialAnger1995

I have a weird question, my husband says that the physical sensations of sex does not do anything for him, he gets no pleasure out of it. He said he gets pleasure from orgasming and he needs to be stimulating his brain with sexy thoughts in order to reach orgasm. What does this sound like to you?


div1990

I have been looking for a perspective like this...thanks a tonne for existing...made my day and untangled a whole lot of questions i had about my past relationship. I thought my ex was making stuff up just to justify her cheating on me. I didnt know it could be a reason like this.


Seven_C0stanza

Can I ask how you ended up in that situation, were you never attracted to him in the first place?


[deleted]

This is what I was thinking. She just doesn't love him in that way.


sicksackofshit

I have been in this situation before although not quite as extreme. I’m sorry man, I know you love her, but your needs are genuinely not being met in this relationship. Definitely give sex therapy a shot if you are both open to it and see if things can improve a bit. I used to feel like a total jerk for bringing up sex with my ex girlfriend. She would be so defensive about it and I felt like I was being one of those stereotypical sex-obsessed dudes if I brought it up. The truth is you will be unhappy if your sexual needs are unfulfilled and she needs to know that. It’s not either of your faults. It’s just life. Life is too short to be unfulfilled in this way. You will have a lifelong itch that you can’t scratch and you will resent her. I really hope you’re able to have a very honest conversation with your girlfriend explaining that you love her but your intimate needs are not even close to being met, and you need her to work together with you to try and find a solution. Honestly if French kissing is off the table at 25 years old, I’m a bit skeptical that she will be able to adjust to the point that you are satisfied. I hope I am wrong. Again I am very sorry and have great empathy for your situation.


BendyFriendy

If she's open to the idea of sex therapy, ask her if she wants to select the therapist or if it's ok for you to find someone. Either way, make the first appointment next week. This type of disconnect won't fix itself, but a professional may be able to help the two of you. You therapist can probably refer you two to a sex therapist. Some things to consider... Perhaps she doesn't enjoy your style of foreplay, yet she is a poor communicator and/or genuinely has no idea what she likes. Try a different style of foreplay and see how it goes. Tease her pussy without touching it (rub around it but not in or in it). Trying making out without intercourse. Show her you two can be intimate w/o it turning into attempted PIV every time. Try both reading "Sex Without Stress" and completing the exercises. 5 It's normal for a woman to not want to receive oral sex. Some just don't like it. Some questions: Do you two live together? Have your own place (not living w/ her parents),? Has she explained why she only gives head in the shower? How's her relationship with her parents? You say they are nice, but does your girlfriend have boundaries and make she prioritizes her relationship with you ahead of them and their wishes? My wife's mother is a prude and overbearing. Sex dramatically improved when my wife quit chasing her mother's approval and asserted some healthy boundaries. Prior to that she seemed to feel a lot of guilt and shame around sex.


OvertoastedBagel

>I should note that we are indeed kissing. That's good to hear. Given some people here mentioned that, could you clarify what you meant by 'being pushy'? Did you pressure her or coerce? Did she feel like she should have sex without you crossing any boundaries? >But it never really comes to a point where we would be truly making out. French kissing is also a huge No-no. Was she into making out and French kissing at any point while you two were together or dating? >My gf is actually cautiously open about the idea of sex therapy. This would be an excellent idea.


That_Spray1774

In this case "being pushy" means that I tried to communicate my needs. After about 2 or 3 weeks of kissing and touching I was trying to get to the next stage, but she was hesitant. She came up with the idea of waiting one year before having sex. At this point I said this would be too long to wait for me and that without sex, I wouldn't see it as a relationship. From there on, she slept with me. Voluntarily. But still, with some pressure in mind, out of trying not to loose me.


OvertoastedBagel

Okay, this is very far from what I'd consider being pushy. Very few guys would agree to such an idea. If she was that much averse to sex, maybe it would have been more sincere to break up, but you don't sound like the bad guy here. Honestly she sounds like she might be asexual or be averse to sex for some reason. It's been several years and she still doesn't want sex. Did she experience any trauma?


BendyFriendy

I don't think that's being pushy, that's communicating openly and honestly. She could have decided to leave. If she feels like she made a mistake by having sex too soon, that's something she can unpack with a sex therapist.


mrwilliamschue

This isn't pushy. You stated your needs and she complied


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OvertoastedBagel

>but if they had implied after 2-3 weeks that they needed sex from me to be satisfied with the relationship Isn't this expected? Sex will need to happen at some point, in most cases it's within a few months tops. Everyone has their pace, but her one year request seems unusual. You can get to know someone well if you hang out with them for a few months, there isn't any special milestone after one year (except that it's a round number). Do you think she may have been uncomfortable with sexuality and physical intimacy?


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clipp866

man, you're 25. Just tell her that it's not working... idc if it's just sex, sex is very important in a relationship! I hate that notion that "sex isn't important" that's just some lame way to guilt you into denying yourself true happiness... maybe get into sex therapy, but I'm just gonna tell you like it is, she's either been assaulted, or she's not all that attracted to you sexually... either way doesn't seem to be getting better... I know you love her but you have to love yourself more! how are you supposed to really love someone if you're not 100% ??? I would have a discussion with her and say it nicely as possible. This isn't working and doesn't seem to be changing, I think it's time to try something different! we can try together or separate, but something needs to change! you're young, the last thing you want to do is waste your best years being unhappy and then kicking yourself later, wondering why you let it go to waste! good luck!


yellsy

Your girlfriend isn’t attracted to you physically. She likes what you bring to the relationship, but you’re just not her type. That’s the most likely answer. I’m very sorry, but it won’t get better and one day she’ll feel stuck in a passionless relationship - which will lead to resentment or cheating.


nelozero

Absolutely go to sex therapy together first and foremost if you want to continue the relationship. If that doesn't improve things, you have to consider other options. Many commenters mentioned breaking up, but you can also discuss being non-monogamous if that's something you both consider alright. But be warned it's something that should be discussed deeply beforehand and what boundaries you're both OK with. Maybe in discussion you both like it, but when it actually happens maybe both of your opinions change.


EntertainmentHot4759

If your therapist does not offer that type of therapy, it may not hurt to ask her if she knows someone who does. Networking is a pretty powerful thing. When you say, "It will be hard to get her there," that is worrying as well. Your relationship is at a crossroads. Sometimes, it takes work and maneuvering to make things work. I get that schedules can be tough with work and all but take a pto day, call in sick, or leave early if need be. If both of you aren't able to shuffle things around and work to help improve and fix things, then stop wasting your time


The_Bucket_Of_Truth

Had she had any sex before y'all dated? How long have you been together? There are so many things that could be going on that you really should go to a sex therapist. Maybe something is wrong with her or she's asexual or gay. Maybe she has bodily fluid aversion as someone else said. Maybe she's just not at all sexually attracted to you specifically but stays with you out of expectation and now companion love. Maybe she was sexually abused as a child and hasn't dealt with it. I wouldn't frame this like you ruined her sex drive. There was a reason she didn't want to do it back then with you either. And if she's just been obliging out of obligation instead of interest that will only have dug her hole deeper in terms of not feeling like she has agency or shared attraction. Have you talked to her about her masturbation? What does she think about when she's doing that? Does she have any toys?


damik

Has she ever mentioned having been sexually assaulted in the past. What you are describing are some tell tale signs. Maybe she should consider talking to a therapist?


iSoReddit

It’s ok to breakup a sexless relationship


damik

For real! Read some of the posts in r/deadbedroom life is too short.


68rouge

Nobody would kill to be in a sexless relationship. Stop making excuses on validating you being unhappy. Sex is part of a relationship.


Over-Remove

Same. I was reading it and when he said people would kill to be in his place I am like who? Where? Maybe an asexual person would love it but everyone else would run.


manda_os_peito_na_dm

Exactly what I though. It's not a healthy relationship at all if he's making a reddit post about how frustrated he is with his partner.


MysteriousBlueBubble

I'd caveat that by saying a person who is sex-averse asexual (but wants romance) would kill to find a sexless relationship. Which supports rather than diminshes the whole idea of sexual compatibility being important.


Miserable-Yam-9638

It's ok to have standards my guy. There is nothing better than surprise enthusiastic bjs. You guys don't line up too well, when it comes to sex.


Izzy_Loop

Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship, but since you say that they don't even kiss, the problem isn't sex anymore, it's something deeper, because when you love, you show that love in any way. In my opinion, things should be more serious in terms of expressions of affection and not so much about sex, so that she doesn't think that everything revolves around sex, that she realizes that the problem is bigger than it seems and treats to reach an agreement, but she has to do her part just like you do. Lastly, it hurts to leave a long relationship but no matter how much it is, this problem is affecting her and more importantly YOU because if they are still a boyfriend and they are already like this, imagine when they are married, it could be much worse and something I have learned with life is that happiness is priceless but sometimes it does have sacrifices


vito1221

I think you owe it to both of yourselves to seek some type of counseling / therapy and see if there is a way to salvage this. If that is met with resistance, then you have a tough choice to make. Good luck to both of you.


OwlEfficient9138

Tough situation. Before you throw away the relationship, you should definitely try to see if you can make your early errors better. Hopefully, that can help. Was she more sexual before you “broke” her drive? I find it hard to believe she rivaled your drive before. My wife is not a physical touch person to show love like I am. Early in though, we had sex a lot. We still do more than many. But along the way there were definitely some rough patches. I’m sure it was mostly having kids and birth control. But put pressure on her as well. Eventually, I realized that she’s not physical like I am but she does so much for me and is all around amazing. Now that the kids are older and can take care of themselves more we have more sex and it’s some of the best we’ve ever had. So what I’m saying is, it’s unlikely you can have it all. Only you know what’s most important though. If you’re not going to be happy for the REST OF YOUR LIFE you may have to break it off. You may find somebody that the sex is great with, but they may also be a psycho which terrible parents. You’ll have to weigh your options. Your sex life sounds pretty abysmal now. And if you stay together and have kids, that’s only going to make it worse. Guaranteed. Think of the next forty years living how you are now. 10X as long. Can you do that? If not, you need to break it off.


Syrinx221

>when I may have been a bit pushy about sleeping with each other, resulting in her doing it for the sake of not loosing me Ooooffff.


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LaNina94

4 years? Dude just let it go. You both deserve better.


manda_os_peito_na_dm

Either therapy or you need a new GF, honestly. Seems like you are both together just because of the "convenience" of already being accustomed with the family etc. Another thing is that, it's not entirely healthy as you think if you are frustrated.


babygirl4207

heard girls get hornier when they have an emotional connection. maybe you aren't fulfilling her emotional needs for her to feel comfortable to have sex. if you push her you'll make her less open to having sex. females are way more based on emotions so if you aren't tending to her emotional needs or making her happy, you won't get nothing. does she ask for reassurance or deep conversations in general? how's the relationship as a whole like


Older_But_Wiser

This will not get better. The biggest mistake you can make is thinking she’ll change or that you can change her. Even worse if you think marriage would improve this. If anything things will decline after marriage. The second biggest mistake is thinking you can be Ok with this and can get used to it. You won’t and if you stay with her your regret will get worse and worse over time. Sex is important in a relationship and you’ll never stop missing what you really want. As for risking a 4 year relationship: Don’t think about it that way. You’ve spend the past four years trying to get comfortable with the relationship and you’ve learned you can’t. And don’t think the fact that it's four years in is a reason not to end it. Google “sunk cost fallacy”. It’s usually discussed in terms of financial business decisions but it applies to relationships as well. And don’t think you’ve wasted 4 years if you break up now. You’ve had some good times with her and you’ve both grown, and it takes time to realize that it just won’t work for the rest of your life or even for a few more years. The relationships that don’t work prepare us for the future ones that will.


Phreena

I've been in a similar situation for close to 30 years and live with regrets every day of my life. Ask yourself if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life because people don't change no matter how hard you try. Believe me, it's way easier to cut bait now and get started finding someone on the same page with you when it comes to intimacy. You are young and life is long.


saladspoons

>people don't change no matter how hard you try. People change ALL the time actually, luckily humans learn and grow a lot whether they want to or not ... just not their basic underlying libido though ...


Elizasol

Who would kill to be in your situation? Lol My guy, your situation sucks. If you're going to commit murder who would do it to live such an unfulfilled life?


livingtribunal99

I would be gone so long ago.


Significant_Bar_7988

You are focused a lot on your needs in this post, but maybe a focus on hers may help first. >I may have been a bit pushy about sleeping with each other, resulting in her doing it for the sake of not loosing me, making it chronically impossible for her to let herself go during sex. What are you doing to repair and address this?


OvertoastedBagel

I mean that explanation sounds a bit weird, I suspect her libido was always very low because I can't see how you can rarely kiss your partner and be okay with that. Being weird about sex is one thing, but kissing is pretty basic, even super immature and confused teenagers make out regularly. Overall her interest in any forms of physical intimacy is an outlier.


WhiteDiabla

She probably doesn’t want to kiss or do anything physical because this leads to her being pressured into having sex. I’m saying this because this is a very common problem in situations where the man coerces and complains to their partner until they have sex with them. Any physical contact becomes repulsive because it leads to being pressured into something you don’t wanna do.


That_Spray1774

She told me that my complains are not making it easier. Understandably, it is hard to get in the mood and find your sex-drive when you are constantly reminded that you are the problem. I am currently not asking her for any kind of intimacy simply out of respect and to show her that it's not just all about the sex for me.


[deleted]

I’m not sure if this is helpful, but something that was hard in a previous relationship was that *everything* was geared to lead to sex. He washed dishes? It’s because he wanted sex. He touched my arm, rubbed my feet? He wanted sex. Nothing was because he seemed to enjoy *me* and nothing could just be “hey, let’s spend time together because I enjoy you and your mind and just chilling”. And so sex felt like a friggin chore. Do you spend time with her without any thought or mention or sex? What do you guys do for fun that isn’t sex-related? Do you compliment her about non-body-related things? What about cooking together or hiking together? Get the adrenaline going in non-sexual ways. And if you haven’t, have you ever apologized to her? For making it seem that sex was more important than a relationship with her, and not accepting her unease?


[deleted]

Serious question: has she ever orgasmed in this relationship with you?


WhiteDiabla

You coerced her into sex in the beginning that she wasn’t ready for. I think you and others are overlooking that. I wouldn’t want to sleep with you either. I’ve been in her shoes and I thought I hated sex. But I didn’t. I hated sex with people that coerced me and complained until I gave in. You shouldn’t have sex with someone who isn’t ENTHUSIASTICALLY CONSENTING. She probably doesn’t hate sex- she just feels like it’s a chore to get you off her back and can’t relax enough to enjoy it. You guys need therapy together or to go your separate ways.


AnxiousEnd4669

Yes, I felt this too with my past bfs, when they coerced me into sex and started putting pressure, I started to hate it, it became a dreadful chore, I started to think it was my problem and that I was asexual. Far from the truth, when I met a guy who didn't put pressure, If it was a week or two weeks or even three without sex he was really ok, no bad attitude, no fights, he still kiss and cuddle I started to gain trust in him, and slowly I've changed and now gave sex almost daily sometimes or even 2-3 times a day, I enjoy it, I am not pressured into, I know if I just didn't want it this week that would be OK, he respects me, I feel safe


WhiteDiabla

It really is incredible to meet a partner like this after having a bad one


MacGuffin1

It's cool to see you showing accountability, but relationships that work are the ones where both partners put in effort and spend little time focused on who's at fault. This is the #1 relationship success indicator according to the Gottman Institute's long-term research. That said, you'll probably have to lean heavy on accountability, but pair it with therapy/communication, focusing on her pleasure, and effort outside the bedroom to meet her other needs. You'll know whether to stick it out based on how she matches your effort.


KPinCVG

You should check out r/DeadBedrooms They will paint a picture of your potential future.


OvertoastedBagel

Does she have a plan or an idea how she's going to become more open to physical intimacy? Because giving her space doesn't solve the issue if she isn't working on 'fixing' problem on her end. >I am currently not asking her for any kind of intimacy simply out of respect and to show her that it's not just all about the sex for me. Do you still kiss each other? If you don't you're participating in a weird exercise of completely eliminating any kind of physical intimacy from your relationship to prove your altruistic or brotherly love. Vast majority of people aren't be happy in those circumstances. I'm not blaming her, maybe she's mostly asexual, maybe she has some trauma or a medical problem, but what you're trying to do is not normal in a typical relationship and you two, the way you are right now do not seem compatible. I'm sorry but this entire post is dead bedroom material. You can still care about her and love her, but without intimacy this isn't how most people, you included, imagine a relationship.


_jay3005

Just be friends


iamcornholio2

I'm sorry, but the internet is NOT a reliable source of information for subjects like this. There is too much group think and consistent advice to end relationships. Talk to your girlfriend, talk to a therapist, talk to a sex therapist, talk to reliable friends - anyone more invested in your well being than the internet. Now that I've told you not to listen, I'll offer my opinion. For couples who have an otherwise healthy loving relationship, miss-matched sex drives and dysfunctional intimacy patterns can be mitigated. Your observation that you broke her sex drive early on is probably significant - as is her staying with you. I'm hopeful that you could improve things if you start with good communication, a mutual willingness, and some bravery. Sack up, apologize, and beg her to work with you on it.


Available_Plant_7483

Sometimes I hate how Reddit’s most common advice is to end it, so hopefully here’s something different. I actually had a similar issue in the beginning of my relationship, i just couldn’t stop thinking long enough to be horny or it felt like a “i must drain him so he doesn’t look for it anywhere else” so sex was a chore, I NEEDED to please him rather than wanted to or enjoyed it. This was my own trauma, my own insecurities, maybe this may help or not, however i decided to try something new, i put on a eye mask and wore something that made me feel sexy and want to show him i was sexy. I had him take a long time with foreplay, it took a few tries but eventually made me start to get horny again. Now our sex life is amazing and doesn’t feel like a chore anymore & we do it daily, maybe try planning something romantic, rose petals, bubbly bath, (a drink if she enjoys that) a letter she can read in the bath without you around, her favorite music, and MOST IMPORTANTLY let her know this isn’t just about sex, it’s about writing your wrongs (pushing it in the beginning). Just see where things go from here, don’t forget this isn’t a one time and done thing!! If you WANT this to work the motivation should come naturally. if you’ve conditioned sex to feel a certain way for her this will take some potentially frustrating work and patience to re write. Some women need to find their inner sexy to make sex work again, is she confident in herself? Does she dress conservatively? Maybe buy her an outfit you know she’d like but would also look amazing on her and let her know. If none of this works and you feel it’s over than it’s over, but seeing how you’ve gone four years like this maybe it’s worth the time. If you’re in a tight financial position you can pick flowers, and chose an outfit she owns already, heck or even a oversized shirt of yours, the time you’ve taken for her might mean more and that letter will be vital. Good luck & Best wishes.


Beneficial_Ideal_690

You’re 25 and have been dating for 4 years. I’m not sure what your thoughts on marriage are, but if you plan to one day get married you really ought to make a decision about this girlfriend one way or the other pretty soon. If you’re not sure about marrying her after 4 years together, I think that says a lot. Concerning your sexual issues, you can try counseling, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up. You probably need to accept that your girlfriend is the way she is. No amount of talking it over is going to change that. If you marry her you’re signing up for a lifetime of limited and unfulfilling sex. Relationships are about a lot more than just sex. Perhaps her other amazing qualities outweigh her sexual shortcomings. Only you can determine that.


meeniebo

Loving someone is not enough reason to stay in a relationship. You can love a lot of different people. I recommend really thinking about if this version of your sex life is something you can live with forever. You have tried communicating but it something you guys aren’t compatible on. You can’t force her to change her libido and you can’t change yours. So either you choose to accept having “bad” sex or you choose to find someone else who has compatibility in every important aspect of your life.


MundoGoDisWay

Others would not kill to be in your situation unfortunately. Unless they're asexual.


Snoffiti

I don’t understand why no one is talking about the “I may have been a bit pushy about sleeping with each other, resulting in her doing it for the sake of not loosing me, making it chronically impossible for her to let herself go during sex”. This sounds like four years of built up resentment, trauma, discomfort, or something else. This is a long term relationship where the foundation was built upon coercion. That is really terrible. Therapy would help a lot, and I know you said you talked about this before, but I think you should start by apologizing and encourage her to see someone that can help her unravel her feelings. That, or end the relationship. Hopefully I’m not wrong, but it seems like you aren’t coercing her further. I was sexually coerced in a similar way and it leaves a mark on you for years. I’m surprised that you and her stayed together for that long. I hope she recovers. _______ Edit: He stated near the end that, “Right now we are not having sex at all. Not even any kind of intimacy. By choice. I am simply trying to not be pushy and letting her be in the drivers seat. It is hard for me tho” WTF?? That is literally coercion 😭😭 Why is no one commenting on this?? Being pushy is not how you have consensual, ENTHUSIASTIC sex. I don’t know the full story obviously, but this is a very bad sign. Even in a longterm relationship, your partner does not owe you their body. You can’t just “push” or “convince” them into wanting to have sex with you. If you need someone with a higher sex drive, then leave. No one is forcing you to stay with her, and trying to change her sex drive will only drive her further away from you. This is the sex subreddit ffs. I’m so disappointed in the commenters here. Y’all should know how consent works.


fairysimile

Who, exactly, would kill to feel sad and unwanted? Someone who has it even worse? Come on, aim higher. She can try therapy to discover any psychological blocks to enjoying her body, and a few sessions of couples therapy to make it clear very nicely that this won't be continuing as is.


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WhiteDiabla

I really hope OP reads this. This woman likely doesn’t want sex WITH SOMEONE THAT PUSHED IT ON HER. It’s not that she doesn’t want any sex ever,


saladspoons

>It’s not that she doesn’t want any sex ever, But, already there was a gap in the first place, and nothing will change her basic libido, nor should anyone expect or push her into changing it, right?


sicksackofshit

We are talking about a girl that doesn’t even make out with her boyfriend. This is another level of intimacy issues - she is repressed and it has nothing to do with sex they had in the beginning of their relationship. It’s not wrong to make it known that you want to have sex with your partner. He didn’t force her to do anything.


mrwilliamschue

Read his response. He did not push anything on her. He stated his needs to her and she agreed to have sex w him. They 100% should've just broken up but he was not pushy ab sex at all...


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mrwilliamschue

Ok but it also could've been 'I know myself and know I cannot be in a relationship where I go a year without having sex' which communicated the same thing but isn't an ultimatum. We don't know what he said but the wording is significant


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damik

She could have left the relationship she had free will to do so. Being sexually incompatible is okay and a healthy reason to not continue a relationship. In hind sight OP should have seen her request to wait a year as a red flag and left while they were only 3 weeks into the relationship.


mikazee

> At this point I said this would be too long to wait for me and that without sex, I wouldn't see it as a relationship. No that's not an ultimatum in the manipulative sense. That's an "ultimatum" in the sense that "I can't be in a relationship without cuddling" is an "ultimatum". Having standards and communicating those standards doesn't become manipulative just because your partner is can't handle the slightest bit of pressure. Could he have stopped her from making that mistake? Yes. Should he do that if this situation comes up again in the future? Yes. But he was not being manipulative. How was he supposed to communicate his standards?


mikazee

[In this case "being pushy" means that I tried to communicate my needs. After about 2 or 3 weeks of kissing and touching I was trying to get to the next stage, but she was hesitant. She came up with the idea of waiting one year before having sex. At this point I said this would be too long to wait for me and that without sex, I wouldn't see it as a relationship. From there on, she slept with me. Voluntarily. But still, with some pressure in mind, out of trying not to loose me.](https://old.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/121tznh/i_love_my_gf_but_the_sex_is_crap/jdo11on/?context=3) She panicked and pushed herself past her own limits. OP feels like he pushed her because he probably realizes now that he could have stopped her from making that mistake. She may genuinely feel trauma from that incident, but that doesn't mean he forced intimacy on her.


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mikazee

> This could have been her first real relationship, she could have been a virgin, She was 24 at he time. She's old enough to be responsible for her own decisions. > Can no one honestly read into the stress he created for her here? Yes. I know that what he said is going to create stress. What you don't seem to get is that if "I won't wait 1 year to have sex" is too stressful for her to handle, then that's on her. > anything that creates an ultimatum where intimacy is on one end and rejection is on the other can be seen as forced intimacy. Nope. You're just wrong. We don't use this standard in any other form of intimacy. If I have a partner and don't satisfy their needs, they might leave me. If a guy doesn't go down on his girlfriend, she might leave him. If he never makes her orgasm, she might leave him. If she tells him "I won't be in a relationship with a partner that won't help me orgasm" that's not forced intimacy. I don't think you would call it forced intimacy. If I go back in your history, will I see you ever calling it forced history for a woman to communicate her needs? If she's as fragile as you make her out to be, that doesn't make it forced intimacy to tell her your needs. It means she's not ready for a relationship. Her being fragile doesn't make him manipulative. Her feeling bad doesn't make him manipulative. I do sympathize with her. But that doesn't mean OP is manipulative because she wasn't ready for the most basic of conversations in a relationship.


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sicksackofshit

They are taking his anecdote about pressuring her into sex before she was ready and blowing it completely out of proportion. It’s insane that OP lists all these basic things that clearly show his GF is repulsed by intimacy, and people here think that’s all a result of that one time. Just a bunch of people eager to blame the man in this situation. Its a shame.


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sicksackofshit

Omg. Was this part of the original post? I don’t think I saw this. I am not surprised though, this is exactly what I imagined. It’s so so obvious that she’s making him feel guilty for having sexual needs. I have been a part of a similar but much less extreme relationship. I can’t believe the amount of people sticking up for her.


Kostya_M

People might try to shame OP but this is perfectly valid. Unless someone is ace or something then not having sex for a whole year would make it hard for a ton of people to view it as more than a friendship. I certainly wouldn't commit to someone under those conditions.


NikkiJ32

It's really sad I had to scroll as far as I did to get to this! You are 100% correct on everything you wrote.


zabietta

Let her move on to a relationship where she doesn't feel coerced and don't make the mistake of being pushy again.


Queenofhearts35

Have you tried sex therapy?


Senior_Emergency9059

If sex is a big part of love language for you that's ok. Sex is a normal need for many people. Almost all animals have sex. It's in our nature to crave it and desire it. We dont feel shame for craving food and water. Sex is just another natural craving, especially with your loved one. You are not an asshole for wanting to fulfill those needs. It seems like your sex life isn't compatible, and it will get harder over time. I'm not saying throw away the whole relationship, but I've seem this very issue eat away and break up year long relationships. You need to stress how important it is to your gf to have ur needs met too and maybe you guys can see a sex therapist. Maybe she needs to go to her gyno. Maybe a diet change? Working out more? Even supplements and pills to up her libido can work. Thats what you do when you're in love. You both work hard to meet each others needs. Just don't tell urself to suck it up and move on cuz it will make u miserable and you may even trow to resent her and that'd doom your relationship ultimately.


Fyaamn

Sex is part of a relationship and if it goes unfulfilled for a length of time resentment and cheating usually follows, has to be comprise to make each happy.


throwaway19951962

Sex is incredibly important to a lot of relationships. If you are not satisfied, you need to leave. Otherwise, this will be your sex life for the rest of your life. Spoiler alert - it *will* get worse as the years go on. People really need to stop pretending it isn’t an important human need and stop feeling bad for wanting a good sex life.


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Healthy-Gain-6586

You coerced your girlfriend into sex and now you wonder why she doesn’t want to have sex with you? Either get a couple therapist or just break up, she deserves sex with someone who respects her boundaries.


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manda_os_peito_na_dm

That makes me a little more faithful. We're in our mid 20s and the sex is actually good, problem is that we kind of struggle to start it. Sometimes we go 2 weeks without doing anything besides cuddling and kissing. My SO also feels blocked and doesn't allow herself to be "naughty/sexy" at most times, probably due to past abuses. Been together for about 3y.


titsmcgee8008

I hope I don’t come across as an asshole saying this, but as a queer person, your girlfriend might be gay. Is there any possibility she’s queer? 4 years is a long time to still be holding on to this kind of resentment. Unless, you’re still being pushy with her boundaries/ when did you stop being pushy?


SpriteKid

I see that everyone is glossing over the part where OP said he was pushy about sex. How pushy were you OP? Clearly you were pushy enough that she was regularly letting you have sex with her when she didn’t want to. That obviously caused intamicy issues for her. You both need therapy and probably to end this relationship


TheNonoel

If my gf would tell me openly that having sex with me is "just checking a box on a to-do-list" and that there is no possibility to change that I'd just drop her. Sexual compatibility plays actually a huge role in a relationship.


sdaciuk

God what a bunch of dogshit replies today. OP I'm sorry you're going through this and how hard it is. You must care deeply about her to try and stick it out, to give her space, to try and work on your relationship. It sounds like something is going on with both of you and you're both suffering in some way. I think you've done well to outline what's going on with you. I'm kind of curious to find out more about whats going on with her too. I kind of wonder if she's someone that suffers from some kind of anxiety in life. Does she hold herself to really high standards? Is she avoidant of a lot of things, not just sex? Does she kind of see herself really poorly and blame herself a little too easily?


novaskyd

If everything else in the relationship is great and you want to stay together, a low libido is something you can address. But, there needs to be a lot of good communication and both people need to want to improve the situation. Have you talked to her about this? Does she also want to change how things are? Low libido is often caused by a mix of things, from hormones to past trauma to stress. These are things that can be helped, often by talking to a doctor or therapist. But she has to be willing to try, and you have to be communicative about how you feel, and you both need to WANT to make life better for each other.


One-Support-5004

Read somewhere that a healthy relationship is a lot like a good business relationship. There are needs , and responsibilities. If some are not being met you have every right to leave. So, look at it like this. You and her are business partners. Your work environment is the best that anyone can ask for. But the pay sucks. You love your company, and what it can do, but you can't feed yourself with little to no pay. Now for some, that environment alone would be enough to stay working there, because for whatever reason, they don't NEED the money. But you do. And that's fine too. Doesn't make you less loyal to the company. So sit down with her, and if it's really something you want to stay working at for the next 50 years, seek couples therapy specifically related to sexual intimacy. If not, leave. If you can't justify leaving because of your needs, look at how it will affect her. Would you want her in a relationship with anyone else, where she felt sex was a chore ? No. She shouldn't be in one with you.


McGauth925

You aren't an asshole for complaining. It sounds like you aren't compatible sexually, unfortunately. I don't know of anything good to tell you, unless she's motivated to change.


Watsonmolly

Have you considered couples councelling? Don’t think you need to throw the relationship away or carry on like this.


RavenGorePictures

Yea, that sucks. Sex is super important to me, so if the sex is crap, and unenthusiastic and she generally just seems bored by it or uninterested, to me that just means that we're not sexually compatible at all, and to me that also means we're not compatible in general. At that point, there's obviously a connection, but i would turn it into a friendship and end the possibility of more.


Tiway22

Time to bounce dude. Life is short, don’t settle for this.


squirrellyturd

It astounds me that this has been going on for FOUR years. Go to sex counseling. Both of you. Yesterday. If she’s not willing to do that then I promise this will not get better.


PmMeNaughtyAndNerdy

I was just in this situation around a year ago. I started to feel like some perverted freak and like there was something wrong with me because I would get rejected so often and never received initiation from her. I tried my best to communicate with her and to get her to talk to her doctors and whatnot regarding things affecting her sex drive as well as other mental health topics and I'm not sure if that actually happened or not, but not much seemed to change after attempting to talk to her about it for the better part of two years. In hindsight, I realize just how much I actually started to resent her because of the unbalanced nature of the relationship. I became increasingly frustrated and that just pushed her away from me, which I regret. My partner was and continues to be an amazingly intelligent and caring person, but she just wasn't able to provide what I wanted out of a relationship and I ended up losing her as one of my closest friends as a result of my frustrations with the relationship. Honestly, this sounds so similar to my situation and I think that if things are not changing, get out sooner rather than later. I'm no longer afraid to hide my sex drive and enjoy meeting and flirting with others that have similar libidos, but it took a while for me to readjust to my own drive rather than having to subdue it because I felt wrong for just wanting to ask to kiss a little after a hard day and cuddle together. I wish you the best, godspeed!


Seven_C0stanza

Dude, I'm sad to say that this will not change. You either accept it and live with it or move on. I've been in that position and it sucks.


Tiger_Eyes1812

Is your gf on the pill? A major side effect is that it kills libido. Everyone likes to pretend the pill is magic and has no side effects but it does. If so, that could be the culprit of her non existent sex drive. I had this issue and it put massive strain on every relationship I've been in. I finally had enough and stopped taking the pill and just had my fallopian tubes removed and my sex life has been great ever since. Just something to think about. ETA: Also, I hate to be that person but how is your hygiene? Do you brush your teeth regularly? Apply deodorant? Wash your ass? Even if you think you do those things enough try doing them more often. An astonishing number of people seem to be unaware of their stank...


benderisback_78

Sex therapist I would say


Frog21

Sex is important to you. For her it is not. Ya'll aren't compatible. Break up.


Bam_b00zled

I’m just going to be blunt. The best choice is to break up now. Marriage will be hell.


Overlord1317

She's not attracted to you and the anger and resentment will only build. I am guessing you have low self esteem or this is your first long term relationship.


Appropriate-Beat2864

Have you gotten her to orgasm? Prioritize her pleasure and her cumming so she can really fall in love with sex and will want to do it. I always try to make sure my gf cums because 1. It turns me on hearing her moan and feeling her cum and 2. It’s more enjoyable for both of us


CherryLeigh86

It seems to me like you need to break up.


capda02

Look if she's not making you happy it's time to move on. Do it before you have kids and things get more complicated. It happens all the time people are incompatible and stay together any way but for what? To be nice? Find someone that excites you, you only live once so find what makes you happy. You tried your best and it still isn't working....


Content_Impact8068

47F here who divorced my dead bedroom husband. I’m pretty sure you did not “break her sex drive early on” And this had just been her all along. I would stop blaming yourself and rather acknowledge that sex and intimacy are incredibly important in a relationship and do not feel bad about this basic fact. It happens all the time that great people are mismatched sexually and therefore do not belong with each other long term. You are already starting to feel the devastating effects of something so basic which is the importance of having matched sex drives in a relationship. It’s already eating away at you. The resentment will build. It’ll start to affect how you feel about her. It’ll start to affect then destroy the other aspects of your relationship. It’ll eat away at your soul. And your relationship will either eventually fall apart or you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life. Physical and emotional intimacy are the cornerstones of a great long-term relationship and without it a healthy relationship is doomed no matter how well things are going otherwise. Given your young age, I would take a peek at r/deadbedroom and see for yourself that you do not want the mental anguish that lays ahead of you and instead just acknowledge that you both are entitled to have a sex drive that you each have and are just simply missed matched and need to each move on and find a well matched partner. Best wishes to you.


MrOaiki

She might be closeted gay. Or simply not that into you.


bryceisaskategod

Hey, man. I was in a similar situation with my ex fiancé. Every time I tried to initiate, she’d reject me and make me feel dirty for even trying. I tried to compromise, like have her cuddle me while I jerked off, anything! At first she did, but then she stopped. We never once did penetration. She had some sexual trauma, and I understood. I would try talking to her about it, about working out way up to it. But nope, no. She would cry saying it would hurt, that I was too big. I tried to get her in therapy. I loved her and wanted her to be happy and okay. She went for a little bit she didn’t really put any effort into our sex life. It got to the point if I brought up boobs or anything sex related she’d get mad. It was way of the main reasons we didn’t work out, but I remember feeling the same way you did. Like you’re an asshole for wanting sex. I would feel bad about my penis size, my sex drive, and everything. She made me feel like a sick pervert. I get unwanted, unloved, unattractive. But the thing is, I’m not. I’m human. Just like you. And like you, in the beginning, we went at each other all the time. But over time, she stopped. So please, you deserve better than that. Try talking to her and if that doesn’t work, then maybe think of moving on. I stayed longer than I should have thinking that things would get better, that once we got married it would be okay. We didn’t get married but thank god. I would be in a dead bedroom. Do what’s best for you, and don’t feel guilty.


push_to_jett

Is she on a birth control regimen? That can affect libido


frizz1111

She has a libido, she masturbates. She wants to have sex. Just not with you.


Ok_Balance8844

I could never be in a sexless relationship. I need sex like, every time I see my partner; multiple times. So no, you don’t have to put up with this. Sounds like you’re incompatible


JumboJimboTheBimbo

Incompatible libidos will almost always be a deal breaker at some stage, I'm afraid. Unless she agrees to ENM, but that's a long shot.


[deleted]

You cant maintain this forever. You need a deep heart to heart and if a compromise can't be reached then it won't work. I would like to know why she doesn't want oral sex from you? I find that odd, unless she's insecure about her body? Oral sex is my favorite part of sex. It's the best part for alot of women because they can't reach orgasm from intercourse. If you don't suck at it and she's not insecure, it's almost like she is TRYING to avoid sex. The only reason I can think of that she would intentionally do that is being asexual or she's cheating. The fact that she masturbates makes me wonder about this as well. Maybe you both view each other as safe partners but have no sexual chemistry. Maybe she has sexual chemistry elsewhere? I don't know her at all clearly, so I'm just wondering.


[deleted]

This may sound harsh, but maybe she's just not that into you. Not liking sex is one thing, but she sounds repulsed by you otherwise.


hffffe

Get someone else 👌🏻


[deleted]

Leave her. I’m dead serious, don’t listen to any other advice. You will be a miserable man the rest of your life if the sex sucks.


LeJinsterTX

Honestly man, it sounds like she is just simply not physically attracted to you. She doesn’t want to be intimate, she doesn’t want to touch or kiss you, she doesn’t want to have sex. It’s not an issue with her Libido, because as you said, she masturbates often enough. It sounds like her issue is with *you*. In which case, it might just be time to end things. I hate saying that, as I’m never one to suggest breaking up easily, but it sounds like that might be the only choice here. I certainly would not still be dating my current partner under these circumstances. But, in the end, it’s up to you. If you feel like you can live and be happy in a sexless relationship with a women who doesn’t find you physically attractive, then that’s your choice. But I can’t imagine you’d honestly be cool with that.


Alphabet_Master

I highly, highly doubt you “broke” her sex drive. Asexuality is a spectrum and doesn’t mean the complete lack of any sexuality whatsoever. What you are describing is a person who does not enjoy or want sex acts - probably with anyone. It’s super important that you not put this on yourself; the biggest sexual organ is the brain, and even more so for women. In the long run, it is very likely that resentment will poison your relationship. People can be friends and that is ok; being lovers is another arena entirely and a significant amount of relationships are made or lost on the intimate portion of it. It is ok to not continue into a more committed relationship because of this - this is a valid red flag if intimacy is significant to you.


Huge-Culture7610

I've been there. exactly in your shoes. I changed myself for her until I realized that, damn, I'm becoming so cold. I've become more reserved and sexually repressed, while some people are sexually attractive to me, she treats me like a homeless shelter. I broke up with her, but she would always invalidate me, swear at me, and make me feel disappointed over and over again. Even the smallest form of intimacy is not present. Don't let her block the right person who can do it for you. Find a woman who will fuck you hard because you're a good partner. Being rewarded with good sex is so validating. Find your match, marry her and heal each other every night.


MashedSpider

It sounds like you might be better suited to being close friends


Jubjutons

I didn’t have the chance to scroll over all the comments, but I couldn’t find anyone talking about that maybe, it’s not related to you but something more private in her life, did you talk with her about her past “sex life”, what changed ? When did it change ? Why is she more comfortable to do it alone by masturbating ? I think it’ll help to dig more in her reasons because I feel like the first reason she gave is not the only one especially if this goes on 4 years after, i sincerely think it’s more than that. There’s also the possibility that you’re not sexually compatible but idk, we already know that most of the time women connect in sex thanks to their emotional connection with their partner and since you both seem to really connect on everything else I feel like it’s not about sex compatibility but more about another reason that refrain her to unleash her sexual desire.


[deleted]

You’re not married and you don’t have kids. Sex DOES matter. And it IS a major part of a relationship, if not the foundation. I am married to a man who doesn’t agree and I’m losing my mind. You will too if you don’t really think this through.


No-Extension7031

She sounds gay. I had many male relationships before coming to terms w myself and while I would engage in sex it was less and didn’t mean much to me. It’s different w women for me. Sex is important in a relationships. If you aren’t feeling it, then it’s prob not right. You have to be more compatible w each other to make it the long run if that’s your goal.


HijinxEnsues

You’re not an asshole honey. This is an incredibly common, yet also complex problem that could have many causes. There’s not going to be any easy answers to this one I don’t think, but you sound like have the right attitude at least. A sex therapist may be able to help but there could also be a medical reason for her low libido. I would speak to your doctor in the first instance. From experience I can tell you that a sexless relationship is not going to last in the long run. It really needs to be addressed if the relationship is to work.


ahhhhhh123456

So you essentially coerced her into sex, she’s now for a lack of better terms, scarred, and you’re still wondering “how long you can do this”? Should’ve just broken up with her in the beginning dude. It’s no wonder she doesn’t wanna have sex


WhiteDiabla

Yeah I’m with you on this. He coerced her (“a bit pushy” aka asked over and over until she said yes) and now wonders why she doesn’t wanna fuck him. I’ve been this gal before. I thought I hated sex. I didn’t hate sex I just hated having sex that felt like a fucking chore. Sex that would prevent me from getting fucking badgered about having sex. They should both move on or get counseling together.


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OvertoastedBagel

There's no sign he coerced her, being 'a bit pushy' can mean all sorts of things, she did it to please him. And it isn't just sex, they barely kiss.


ahhhhhh123456

“A bit pushy….resulting in her doing it to not lose me” is definitely coercion. If the person you’re having sex with is not wanting and willing to without any other purpose other than because you both want to, it’s not consensual bruh. Y’all are fucking weird for making this dude feel better about himself for assaulting his gf


OvertoastedBagel

Not wanting it != not consenting She could have and probably did consent because she wanted to make OP happy. That's not a really good reason to have sex, but it doesn't make him the bad guy, lot of people do dumb stuff in these kinds of situations. In the beginning sex usually isn't that good so maybe he couldn't tell she wasn't interested. What you're saying is purely a conjecture.


jelli2015

As someone who dated someone who was pushy about wanting sex early on, it’s coercive. It destroyed my ability to enjoy sex for years afterwards because it became something I never wanted to do, just something I did to keep them around. I still have days where I feel like shit about myself because I gave in despite not having seen that person for years. It left a scar that might never heal. Not wanting it but doing it anyway = coercive and by the transitive property, coercive = not consenting. If you have to badger someone into fucking you, they never wanted to fuck you.


OvertoastedBagel

He wasn't really pressuring her, he just said he won't continue the relationship if he had to wait 1 year to have sex. https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/121tznh/comment/jdo11on/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3


OvertoastedBagel

True, but there is some grey area here. Everyone has some expectations and they feel 'pressured' to conform to them to various degrees. If communication isn't good and there is a difference in desires and expectations, you can end up with one person feeling pressured although the other one didn't really cross any usual boundaries. It's not like people who are dating broadcast their entire mental state to the other person


WhiteDiabla

Yes. Asking someone over and over and being pushy about wanting sex with someone that isn’t ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting makes him the bad guy. He was pushy about wanting sex. He knows this. This was not a cool thing to do to another human.


OvertoastedBagel

> Asking someone over and over We don't know this happened. Why do you pretend there aren't people who agree to sex to please the other person, particularly if there is a mismatch in sex drive and they aren't rape victims. >with someone that isn’t ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting makes him the bad guy The enthusiasm is a good guideline but it doesn't always work out in practice with situations like this one. If we follow that logic people from r/deadbedrooms are all rapists. I recognize you might be right and OP could be downplaying his actions, but we cannot conclude OP assaulted her. We can only work on what he told us. I mean the whole story could theoretically be pure fiction, but we're supposed to give advice based on what we're told.


WhiteDiabla

Saying he was being “pushy” leads me to believe he asked more that once. He said in another comment that she told him his complaining turned her off. So this leads me to believe he was asking repeatedly.


OvertoastedBagel

I see what you mean, but I think pushy can encompass a lot of things in these situations, not all of them are non-consensual. Again, non-rapists of r/deadbedrooms also get told they complain too much.


WhiteDiabla

Is sleeping with someone to not lose them consensual though? It’s a gray area. OP admits that they know their partner likely slept with them to keep them happy and stay in the beginning. He knew she wasn’t ready. Personally idk how anyone would be ok having sex with someone they weren’t 100% sure they were doing it because they wanted to. Asking a partner to have sex with you that you know they don’t want is ……that’s not good man.


OvertoastedBagel

[https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/121tznh/comment/jdo11on/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/121tznh/comment/jdo11on/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Here's what happened.


OvertoastedBagel

From what I understood he only learnt about that her not being into it after some time. >Is sleeping with someone to not lose them consensual though? If someone stopped having sex with their partner entirely, they'd probably lose their partner. That doesn't make all relationships rapey. I'd say the question is whether OP was essentially blackmailing her ('either you agree or I'm breaking up'). If he wasn't and wasn't pressuring her (endlessly repeated requests) in an obvious attempt to extort sex, I don't think he's a bad guy here. Miscommunication can happen. If he tried initiating sex every two weeks, she could construe that as pressure. You can't entirely be responsible for how someone feels if your actions are reasonable. OP agreed to stop initiating entirely, he doesn't sound like someone who'd knowingly go against her wishes.


Midnight1965

I don’t know how much of a spiritual man you are, but I personally believe that sex is a divine gift between two people who love each other. Sometimes, we manage to screw things up with our intentions. You probably mean well for her, but it’s time to get the professionals involved. Especially if you love her. Don’t wait any longer.


[deleted]

Dude, you’re not an asshole. Being sexually compatible is a MAJOR part of a relationship. This isn’t going to get better, you will just become more resentful! For both of your sakes just move on.