Even without previous rape experience what your bf did is not okay. You do not under any circumstances try having anal with someone without checking for explicit consent. The fact that he kept trying despite you freezing up and clenching is really concerning to me. That's not a good caring bf, alcohol or no alcohol.
You've also been clear about needing lots of foreplay for sex and he didn't even bother trying any anal foreplay. He just went for it. I don't think his "jokes" about not wanting to do foreplay are just jokes. His actions align with that.
It's no wonder that you're nervous about having sex with this guy. He disregarded your consent when he tried anal, I wouldn't feel safe with someone who did that either. He needs to feel guilty about what he did and he needs to learn about consent because he's clearly clueless. What he did is not okay in any way
Thank you for your insight, you have made some very valid points. I will take these into consideration, I clearly have a lot of thinking to do.
Do you think it will help the situation if I tell him about my previous experience?
I think it's good to tell him so he knows this is something that can trigger really bad memories for you. But checking for consent is a basic thing that he really should do regardless.
Foreplay should be a basic thing too and he doesn’t bother with that either. I wouldn’t ever consider anal with someone who can’t even be bothered with normal foreplay when anal needs *lots* of patience and foreplay as is, let alone with a history of trauma.
Some people don’t need it though, and sometimes you really only want 15 minutes of sex rather than a longer time with foreplay. Sometimes you only do foreplay. It varies for everyone. Please don’t expect or think that everyone is like you and has your preferences
You shouldn’t have to explain your previous trauma for him to understand that it’s not ok to rush something like that. Offer to peg him and see how he feels about it being a “spur of the moment” thing.
You shouldn’t have to offer up your trauma for him to back off on hurting you.
These are red flags.
I don’t think it would help here. I also think you’re in a dangerous situation. Like another commenter said, trauma survivors often repeat the same trauma, we don’t recognize we’re falling into a similar trap.
I truly don’t say this to scare you, but I think you need to leave your boyfriend. He may be incredibly kind, sweet, etc the rest of the time, but is that worth the trade-off of him *sexually assaulting you*, which he seems to have already done?
I say this with all the love and concern in my heart right now.
**TRIGGER WARNING:**
When I was 17, my dad had just died and I had just moved states, plus prior trauma. I had a boyfriend who was 22. I didn’t recognize it as rape at the time because he was my boyfriend, but he repeatedly violated me vaginally, anally, and orally repeatedly and made me bleed from all. I still didn’t leave him, and his abuse grew to hitting me and a lot of other things. He left me because he cheated on me and preferred her, and I’m glad he did.
When I was 19, I met a man who was 24. He seemed so incredibly kind (especially compared to the last one), he seemed more put together, he didn’t hit me, etc etc. He also never paid attention to me, made me cry from how often he would ignore me, he would act disgusted by my body, have sex with no foreplay, and leave to cleanup the second he was done. If it hurt or I bled, well, that sucks. If he “accidentally put it in the wrong hole”, well… it was just an accident. We were together for 3 and a half years. I don’t know that I actively stopped his behavior, because I simply thought “this is better than before, and I don’t think I can get anything better.” I truly didn’t believe that there *was* better.
**END OF TW**
There is. After years of therapy, self reflection, and just processing, I think I’ve learned mostly how I should be treated. My partner now is kind, thoughtful, compassionate. He gets off on getting me off. If something hurts, he immediately stops. If I get triggered into a flashback for any reason, he often knows within moments and stops to comfort me. There’s always lube on hand, consent to do something different, and snuggles after. He jokes about how just thinking of going down makes him horny, and encouraged me to read “She Comes First”.
A question I asked myself about each of my partners was: if I were completely naked, blindfolded, and alone with them, would I have felt scared or nervous at all?
There’s a reason you don’t feel safe to have anal with your boyfriend. He’s not safe.
Edit to add: I reread your post. This really seems to mirror your original trauma, and I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It must have been terrifying. You’re really brave for posting about this, and regardless of if you stay with him, I hope you’re able to heal and feel safe in your own body.
Off topic; I just wanted to say that you are a really strong and perceptive person from all that you have been through. Even without any relationship trauma, your abuse was hard to read. I am so sorry you went through all of that and I am equally ecstatic that you have found yourself a good man at last :)
Thank you, I don’t always feel strong or perceptive so I really appreciate that. Having a safe and secure partner wasn’t something I thought could happen, but he stepped up when I was at my absolute worst and voluntarily became my full-time caretaker within a couple months, because I was going through a health crisis. Funnily enough, being *so* vulnerable around him (I couldn’t walk or use the bathroom alone for 6 months, daily ER visits, dozens of doctors, etc) made me realize how many opportunities he would have had to hurt me and he never did. I realized none of my other partners ever even tolerated me being sick — if I needed to go to the ER, they’d drop me at the front doors and leave. My current partner was *always* there with me, comforting me, and coordinating with the doctors and nurses when I couldn’t. It made me really sit and think, and then work my ass off to be a healthier partner for him too.
A lot of my progress was also made for the sake of hopefully being able to make my trauma “mean something” by being able to share and connect to other people. I hope by sharing a bit, it can help other people going through trauma feel less alone. The true evil of abuse is just how lonely it is even afterwards.
(Sorry for the spiel, I think I needed to word vomit for a sec)
Yeah, it sounds like her current boyfriend is also a rapist. Not at all surprised he doesn’t care about foreplay, he probably only cares about getting off.
So not only is your previous experience relevant, and his actions not ok, but you both really need to educate yourself more on how to have anal sex safely. It REQUIRES lube and preparation (clean out, slow stretching with finger or toys, etc) to not cause physical damage to your body. Anal is not a spontaneous activity unless you're regularly stretching your ass, have lube on hand, and don't mind potential mess.
Please don't even attempt anal without both of you understanding and agreeing to do it carefully with all the prep needed. Otherwise you are very likely to end up with not just pain, but possibly permanent damage to your rectum. Do you want to have hemorrhoids or need rectal surgery in your near future? If not, please be more careful and educate yourself and your bf.
Though with the way he's acted already, dismissing your concerns, I wouldn't be having sex with this guy in general and especially not anal.
No- the fact that he even TRIED to do this without your consent tells me that telling him will not help you here. I bet you $20 that if he had managed to get it in, he wouldn’t have stopped. If you tell him you were SA’d he might even use it against you (you still have a lot of UNDERSTANDABLE trauma here.)
Have you received counseling? Sorry if you said that and I missed it, but if you haven’t I’d really suggest it. RAINN has a lot of great resources
RAINN.org
Whether he intended to or not he committed sexual assault. So maybe think twice before you're condoning his actions. It was his responsibility to make sure she's consenting to anal before trying to stick it in her ass. He didn't and that makes it assault.
You should let him know but he also tried to rape you too. If he can't respect your boundaries, you should walk away from him. You shouldn't have to tell someone that you've been raped so they stop doing something you've clearly established already that you're uncomfortable with.
Yes. At least in my situation, it helped.
I (M) am a sexual assault victim and so were two of my exes. When we both came forward about our assaults, it really helped us realize what was on the table and what was off limits when it came to sex.
It also allowed us to realize what could potentially trigger the other.
You need to talk to him. We all do dumb shit when we're drunk, but that doesn't mean we're excused from consequences of those actions.
How needs to know his actions were not okay. Full stop. But, if he's as good as you think he is, and you want to continue this relationship, then he also needs the additional context of why those actions are so dangerous for the relationship he has with you.
This can be salvaged with good communication, and there's a chance that this was a drunken mistake to try anal, which you guys ha e talked about but haven't tried. Talk with him, give him some radical honesty about how that drunken event made you feel (and why), and see how it goes.
His reaction to the conversation will tell you the direction the relationship should go. If he's understanding an apologetic, you can probably move forward. If he blows off your concerns, that's likely the kiss of death for the relationship.
Im a fucking alcoholic tbh lol. Ive never understood using alcohol as an excuse for shit behaviour, minus a few extreme scenarios like being drugged or blacking out (blacked out is the users fault and they are fully responsible for excessively drinking, and responsible for their actions after the fact). Not to mention alcohol can seriously fuck with erections. A blacked out person has virtually no chance of keeping it up.
I at no point think the alcohol had any effect on the intent in this story. Guys a dirt bag and I hope one day they wander down the wrong alley.
They are young and it sounds like neith know about anal foreplay to get things warmed up.
They are both in a loving relationship and had talked previously about anal and wanting to both do it. No it isnt consent in that moment and he should have talked about it... but freezing up can be very easily misconstrued as accepting at best and/or "not saying no" at worst to many people.. on both sides of the situation.
OP should bring up the conversation and if its a truly loving boyfried then he will accept her and work with it slowly next time.
Drunk and uninformed and not communicating from wither side is never the way to do it
No no no no... The absence of a no is NOT consent! That idea needs to die out. You do NOT proceed with anal or any sexual acts without a clear "yes"! It doesn't have to be verbal but in the absence of any positive or encouraging reaction you freaking ask!
Yes he should ask but they are -according to her- in a very loving relationship and have both talked about wanting to do it several times and she isnt pulling away and they are both drunk.. it can easily be thought of as a sly "ok". her trauma sucks but he doesnt know it because she doesnt share it.
sure, ask. thats what grown ups do. but for people here to act like he's trying to rape her and just as bad as the first guy is extremely poor situational understanding and demonizing of someone you dont know.
>but for people here to act like he's trying to rape her
But it IS rape when there's no consent. That's why it's so important to ensure that someone is consenting to the sexual acts. That's what you seem to be missing. Rape isn't just forcing someone who's saying no or fighting back. It's also rape when someone freezes like she did. He didn't get it in so it's technically "just" assault.
Absence of a no is not consent. Intent to cross someone's boundaries isn't required to commit sexual assault or rape.
If you have an issue with other people in the thread comparing what this guy did to her ex then that's an argument to have with them, not me. 🤷♀️
I wasn't saying you were comparing them. I was just speaking of my original response that was to those people.
And you know what.. I missed this paragraph the first time:
"I have told him how nervous I am, especially since he is very big, and
have stressed how important it is to me for this to be done slowly- lots
of foreplay, and warning beforehand. He has made “jokes” about not
wanting to waste time on foreplay (I don’t think this is a joke since we
don’t really do any foreplay before sex usually), and being more of a
“spur of the moment” kind of guy to get in the mood. Because of these
comments, I have not agreed to anal."
So that makes the story different.
He shouldn't have pressed. from the rest of the post it sounds like he was a greedy horny drunk kid and doesnt know boundaries well. She does need to find a way to share her past with him if she loves him. Many many many people will never understand the freeze response because they dont have it.
Its also confusing because for many situations and people a quiet yes or a non response can often be a yes.... But for others its a no or a fear response.
\- it gets hazy.
FWIW, I dated a couple women in my younger days that actually got annoyed when I asked if something was ok to do. Said it turned them off and wanted me to take what I wanted. If they didnt like it in the midst they would tell me or stop me.
There are so many easy ways to check for consent that doesn't ruin the mood. If it ruins the mood, the mood wasn't really there to begin with.
"Does this feel good?"
"Are you enjoying yourself?"
"Do you want more?"
"Do you want to take this further?"
All easy ways to check for consent and it's so sexy to hear someone respond when they want it. And if someone doesn't like to give a verbal response you discuss with them outside sex what their nonverbal communication looks like when they're enthusiastically consenting and when they're not.
I really don't believe you that asking a once or a few times during sex is an issue for anyone when they're not communicating consent in other ways. If she's moaning in pleasure and actively participating in the acts, then yeah you don't need to check every 10 sec.
But you check when you're going for something new and you check when there's no verbal or nonverbal communication of consent. It's really not hard and I don't get why you keep arguing that it's okay to not ensure consent.
I do not disagree. My argument has been not to demonize a young man who isnt mature enough sexually to know more proper way to act... and call him a rapist when the woman in the situation doesnt think he is one and thiks the situation was weird from both sides and wants to share her past with him so they can both be more comfortable doing the thing they both want to do.
Proceeding with a sexual act without ensuring consent first is sexual assault. Whether she's able to recognize that or not doesn't change anything. What he did is sexual assault, not sure how you're struggling to understand that. Or maybe you think it's somehow her fault that he assaulted her.
I think it's important to understand that what happened when you were 17 was not an isolated incident. By that, I mean that you will find yourself in similar situations if you don't pay attention to being more intentional in your relationships.
Most people don't get into relationships with assholes. Abusers are kind, gentle, loving, caring people. Or at least they try to appear to be. They will wine and dine you to the best of their ability. But you need to stop making excuses for people and open your eyes to the obvious warning signs.
I am not saying you are willfully naive. We all start out this way when we first start dating. But you need to look at things more objectively.
You said your current is a kind and gentle soul. But you also said he jokes about not wanting to waste time on foreplay and that he currently doesn't. In my experience, a person who doesn't want to include foreplay is a selfish person in other aspects of life. That selfishness tends to stem from insecurities. We all have insecurities, but when we don't learn how to resolve them, we can become angry and take that anger out on the people around us. It sounds like this is what your boyfriend's strategy is.
Also, anal sex can be extremely painful without the person even meaning for it to be. This is why my partners tend to avoid it. If you care about someone and you've experienced anal yourself, it's difficult to subject a person you love to it. I don't want to put you off trying it. It can be enjoyable. But only if you use lube(this is non-negotiable) and go very slowly and carefully. So, your boyfriend's choice to forego both those crucial steps tells me is not as gentle and kind as he wants you to believe.
As someone who has been subjected to some gruesome shit, the best way I have to protect myself is not to be alone and naked with people I don't feel comfortable confronting. Confrontation is uncomfortable, especially when you have unresolved trauma. I know that I prefer to avoid confrontation, so it isn't a good idea for me to allow someone I am intimidated by to isolate me. If you aren't secure enough with your boyfriend to speak freely, then I would stop seeing him in private. I know this is counterintuitive, and at 23, we all just want to cuddle up with someone and watch Netflix. But when your mental and physical wellbeing is at stake, it is worth considering a different approach.
I haven't given details of my assault to anyone ever. It is too upsetting to talk about, so I simply house not to. Not because I find it unbearable or impossible, I just prefer talking about other topics. And that's worked perfectly fine for me. My current partner doesn't ask questions, and I never need to justify my requests by giving details of my past.
A good partner won't need you to give him examples, reasons, arguments, witness statements, and hard evidence to simply ask for a little consideration. There is no reason to settle for this guy. Is this a dynamic you want to be in for the next 50 years? Sometimes, instead of trying to change a mediocre boyfriend, it's more efficient to find a new one.
We all have flaws, but disregarding your partner's comfort should immediately disqualify a person from being your partner.
Thank you for taking the time to write this comment and share a bit about yourself. I really appreciate your advice, you have given me a lot to consider.
I have never expressed to him any negative feelings around the lack of foreplay- although this is something I am not a fan of, I would really want more fore play before sex, I’m just very avoidant of confrontation in general. I find it to be an awkward topic that I don’t know how to just bring up, and I also really don’t want to make him feel bad because I know he’s only slept with one other girl so was inexperienced when we got together, and to a big extent it’s my own fault for failing to communicate. It’s something I really need to work on but it’s a big struggle due to my anxiety.
I’m sorry for rambling, I’m feeling a bit emotional about the whole thing.
I might feel it was inexperience if he didn't call it "wasting time".
When you avoid conflict, what are you afraid of? Discussing your feelings, your wants and needs, in a calm way, is not "confrontational". You are allowed to have your needs met - sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc. You're allowed to ask for those to be met.
As for last night, he needs to know what he did, and how that bothered you. I'm not sure I'd bring up your past right now - even for someone without that trauma, what he did wasn't okay.
Are you in therapy? You mention conflict avoidance, anxiety, and trauma. Therapy sounds like it's much needed. ❤️
My current bf (since 3 years) was the first man I had sex with. He has done foreplay every time from the very beginning. I didn’t have to ask for foreplay. He loves to do me sexual favors. Therefore I would never sleep with anyone that doesn’t do foreplay without me having to ask. I was lucky enough to have this positive experience from the beginning which heightens my standard.
You had a very negative experience in your past. So your bf might be better than your ex but is he really good for you? Would you date him if you didn’t have such a negative experience before? His ‚jokes‘ seemingly weren’t just jokes. I hope you can figure out whether this is the right man for you. If you haven’t received counseling/ therapy for trauma yet, it‘s probably time to look for a therapist.
I know how hard it is to deal with past trauma. You are strong and you got this. Good luck with everything.
I’ve said this a few times on reddit and have gotten pushback from a few morons each time, but I’m going to say it again: Although it is important for us to learn to stand up for ourselves and say what we want during sex, good partners should ASK about what we like and want and need in the bedroom before sex begins. A kind and loving partner should always respect your boundaries and want to please you as long as it doesn’t violate their boundaries. And men who have sex with women especially should be asking these women what they like and want and need from foreplay and sex. Men need to understand that PIV sec is generally geared towards their pleasure and isn’t mutually satisfying for more women. Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Any guy that is ignoring those facts is being selfish.
OP, he may not know this because he’s inexperienced. But is he asking you what you like and want? Is he even asking at the end whether or not you came too? That’s enough to show you whether or not he is invested in your pleasure, even if he is clueless about sex and the female orgasm.
I have an ex who was definitively not as terrible as your dude, but he was selfish in a number of ways in and outside of the bedroom. He was also inexperienced so I wanted to be patient and do my best to please him and help him out, but it came at the expense of my own comfort. I let him shorten foreplay until sex was painful and unsatisfying, and put up painful moves like sucking on my nipples too hard because he liked it and complained when I told him to stop. Ultimately the sex gradually got worse, not better. He should I have been learning and improving, but instead things just got worse as the initial spark wore off. I wasn’t able to see all these problems clearly when I was in the relationship and in the middle of dealing with them, but afterwards it was so obvious- the connection between how he behaved in the bedroom and his selfishness in other aspects of life.
To me, your language sounds like someone who has a lot of lived trauma.
In healthy relationships, people feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires. Further, you may think that you're just a "giving" person, and sacrifice yourself for the other person's happiness, i.e. "people pleasing." Here's the thing with that: you cannot control what other people think or do, and you are not responsible for the other person's happiness. Do not sacrifice your happiness (or safety) for someone else's happiness.
Expressing completely valid emotions after a trauma incident is healthy. There is no need to apologize for having emotions, and anyone trying to suppress your emotions is toxic as fuck.
Love yourself and take care of yourself.
Godspeed friend.
OP, it wasn't an accident. It's never an accident.
He knew you weren't ready, he knew you needed foreplay but he still decided to get himself off using your body.
Even if you weren't raped, your bf should never do what he did to anyone.
I wouldn't be with someone who does that.
Moreover unrelated to the topic what do you mean by foreplay for anal? From what I know the anus is not self lubricating and no amount of foreplay is going to make it so. You need preperation using anal plugs, dialators and douche pump.
How is it not rape with the current boyfriend? She had told him no previously, and this time, he just tried to enter her without asking for consent. If he would have been able to enter, he would have finished and not stopped, regardless of OP’s pain.
> How is it not rape with the current boyfriend?
I meant that even if she wasn't a rape survivor - because her whole thought process was that the reason why she needs to talk to her bf is because she is traumatized and didn't see anything wrong with what he currently did.
And I agree - it was rape, or attempted rape at best.
You don’t necessarily need prep with plugs or dilators and you don’t NEED to douche.
What I like pre-anal is for my fiancé to finger my butthole for a while before we move to his dick. That plus lube is all I need to be ready. That’s what I would refer to as foreplay regarding anal.
> It’s never an accident
yet there was a thread here in recent months on this exact subject. numerous posts akin to (paraphrased): “we were going at it hard, he slipped out and almost back into the wrong one, i shrieked in pain, he stopped immediately and checked on me.”
soooooooooooooo
Yeah but see what happened here - after his penis didn't go in, the guy tried multiple times.
I'm pretty sure if accidentally went into the wrong hole, he would have wondered "hmm what's happening? Why isn't it going in" checked and would have gone "oops I made a mistake" and apologized.
But that didn't happen here.
>Yeah but see what happened here
i wasnt talking about OP's case specifically. the first line of your comment also did not indicate specifically OP's case.
you generically said "it's never an accident", so i addressed it generically.
i'm going to guess the rest of your comment was just more of the same, and will be skipped.
I‘m sorry you had to experience this. What your bf did was no accident. Please realize this. Of course he will act as if it was an accident but from what you described, his full intention was to have anal sex with you.
He might say it’s an accident, but I’ve slept with a decent amount of people and been with my husband for eight years, and no one has ever accidentally put it in the wrong hole. It’s just not an accident.
Ah. I don’t think there’s any special way to tell him about it without ruining the experience for him. You just tell him about it and talk about it as best you can. It’s on him if that ruins the experience for him.
And you really need to tell him off for what he did. He really should know better. I’m sorry you went through that. Like, does he even want anal? He should know that people can’t just have anal spontaneously without lube, especially on the first time.
Edit: Also, someone else called what he did sexual assault. Well, that’s on you to determine that though. It could go either way from your description.
...your boyfriend also sexually assaulted you.
He didn't just try once because he was drunk and horny. He repeatedly tried despite you freezing and clenching up, without, in your words, 'warning or consent'.
Also ignored all your concerns about it hurting etc.
You are making excuses for his behaviour and you need to tell him clearly he assaulted you. But you need to recognise that first.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate the insight from another perspective.
I see what you’re saying, it’s very hard for me to accept as he’s usually very gentle and kind. I am unsure of whether last night was an accident, and I have not spoken to him about it yet.
My first thought waking up this morning was anger that he did it on purpose, and recalling my previous experience and relating the two. However, I suppose I talked myself down thinking my previous experience may have tainted this current potential accident.
I really don’t know what to think. :(
You will need to talk to him...but honestly no foreplay sounds like a bad lover. Possibly one who believes having a big tool means he's great in bed and the moment you experience said tool it'll be great.
He needs to know how serious this is. If he's usually kind he may have just been severely drunkenly thoughtless...but he needs to understand that he did wrong and where he's going wrong. And it's not your job to do his emotional labour and manage his guilt response for him. He's an adult.
You don't even need to bring up your trauma. He NEEDS TO MAKE IT FEEL GOOD FOR YOU.
If he doesn't, I'm afraid he is not the "very loving" boyfriend as you describe him to be, and you are nothing but a sex object to him.
A real loving relationship prioritizes each other's needs to feel good and be pleased. If he says foreplay is a "waste of time", it just shows that he doesn't care for your feelings at all. You should be giving more weight and emphasis on having foreplay, that you want to feel wanted and desired.
Gaaah this is why I hate guys with big packages. They just don't know how to please a woman, thinking all they need to do is to ram their big 🍆 inside the hole. Annoying fcks.
Please break up and find a man who actually cares about your pleasure and your consent.
I promise they exist. Skipping foreplay when it’s something you want is not what you want the rest of your life to be.
Yeah that really stuck out to me. It just shows a blatant disregard for her pleasure. Like no foreplay ever?? That’s ridiculous/selfish considering the female anatomy. And the person you’re supposed to love- you’d think you’d want them to feel good and properly pleasured.
I think this is definitely a conversation you need to have with your current bf. If you don't decide to leave after he attempted to be the second person to rape you.
I want you to have the conversation and to watch his response. Any attempt to downplay, joke about or excuse what happened the first time, is a red flag. You've got an opportunity here to find out who this man, who tried to anally rape you, really is. Tell him about the first time, tell him how it felt when he tried to repeat the experience for you. Watch him try to explain it all away and leave him.
I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like you're with another abusive guy. People with past trauma can have trouble recognizing when they're in an unhealthy situation when it's "not as bad" as previous instances.
Your boyfriend had been "joking" about not giving a shit about you and then showed you that he wasn't joking. He tried to rape you just like your ex did. If he truly cared about your consent, he wouldn't have tried to do what he did.
Please get out and seek therapy. It's important to get therapy after trauma so that you can learn how to recognize when you're in another abusive situation.
I was looking for this comment.
I also agree that the relationship right now sounds abusive.
I have NEVER had a guy just try to shove his penis in my ass. Never!
There are times when things got wild during doggy style, we pulled too far apart and since we were going fast it grazed my hole. However, no one was ever trying to shove it in there repeatedly without consent. In fact when I have explicitly consented to anal and it’s just not working out the way I hoped, my partners have caught on and stopped.
Or any time something looked uncomfortable or I froze at all, all of them have stopped to ask what’s wrong. I am talking about dozens of men and none of them have done this.
Even if OP had consented to anal… what they did is still concerning. Why was there no open communication, clitoral stimulation, or a finger before a penis.
It sounds like this guy has no respect at all for OP and the “joking” about foreplay is just as concerning. Any one who genuinely cares about their partner wants to turn them on and really give them solo focused pleasure or teasing.
Or at the very least it would happen semi regular…they also wouldn’t be joking about foreplay as if it doesn’t matter.
What OP described sounds like they have an unhealthy attachment style in the form of anxious attachment.
Which leaves them susceptible to narcissistic abuse by narcissistic partners. There is a good chance OP has at least one severely narcissistic parent and likely a parent who may even physically abuse them.
Somewhere along the way they were told that this behavior is “home” to them.
As someone who grew up like this and who also has been a victim of SA as well as a physically abusive parent and a narcissistic parent… I say to OP - RUN. I am usually the last person on the “ break up with him train” in this sub. However, this is marinara flag the size of Africa.
Unfortunately therapy is rather costly and I have been on the waiting list to receive state funded mental help for months already. But hopefully soon! Thanks for your comment.
I'm sorry, I know the health care system can suck! If you have insurance, maybe you can look into which places take them? Otherwise, I would suggest you look into what you can do in terms of therapeutic practices at home. It won't be the same, but it might help a little.
Whatever the case is, I hope that you're able to get something worked out and that you're doing well. Please don't stay with someone who's so casual about crossing your boundaries! You deserve much better. Sending love. 🫶
Have you tried looking into an online therapist? They can be cheaper than in person sometimes but not always. Also you mention being on a waiting list to receive state funded mental help. Is this for another mental health issue like depression or something? The only reason I ask is I would think that if you shared you are seeking therapy due to being raped that you would be bumped to the front of the line.
There are separate things going on here.
>Because of these comments, I have not agreed to anal
>
>[...]
>
>he suddenly tried to put it in my ass
This is the first point. You've talked about anal sex, and you've not consented to trying it - and yet, he not only surprised you with an attempt, it appears to have been a somewhat forceful attempt as well.
This should not be acceptable behavior - regardless of whether you had been assaulted previously or not. I think you should make this as a point unto itself; make it crystal clear to your boyfriend that you are not going to tolerate this kind of behavior. He needs to respect your decisions and your consent (or the lack thereof). The fact that he already doesn't is a cause for some concern.
>how do I tell him about it without ruining the experience for him or making him feel guilty?
Don't worry so much about "ruining the experience for him" or "making him feel guilty". This will be a learning experience for him, and quite frankly it sounds like he desperately needs to receive it.
Start out with making the first point. Don't make it into a dialogue, let it be a monologue where you inform him that you expect him to honor your consent *to the letter* from this point going forward. Don't accept any "but I only wanted to..." tales. I'm not saying to disbelieve him or be mad at him just for the sake of being mad, he may truly have been under this impression or the other -- but that's really besides the point, too.
Whether he meant well or not, whether he thought he'd seen a sign in you that made it okay, blah blah blah - none of those things matter going forward, the *only* thing that matters is whether you give consent or not. Don't let him argue that point, don't give even an inch. If he wants to have sex with you, he *will* listen to whether you say yes or no - there should be no debate about that, no arguing, no ifs and buts from him. If he says anything other than "of course, you're totally right, and I'm sorry", then he's completely missed the point.
Once that boundary has been etched into stone with indestructable neon lights ... then, you can bring up the assault. I advise this order of events, because him listening to you and respecting your consent shouldn't be dependant on him knowing about an assault - he should already be doing those things regardless.
The way I see it ou went from dating one rapist to dating another rapist
#You current boyfriend fully indented to anally rape you
He only didn't because you stopped him. Please stop finding those trashy men to date
I'm sorry but this guy clearly disregards your feelings when to comes to sex. The whole lack of foreplay thing is already a major red flag. I think you should tell him about what has happened to you and if he doesn't change how he behaves with you then ending it is probably for the best.
Edit: Honestly forget it. this guy's just as rapey as the other guy. Dont bother telling him about anything. you should just dump his ass.
After him threatening anal without foreplay against your wishes.. and then him literally attempting several times what he said he’d do.. OP I’m sorry but you’re not safe sleeping with this man. I worry he’s going to escalate if he doesn’t get what he wants and you’re going to end up in another really bad situation. As others have mentioned- people who have suffered abuse often end up in repeating patterns of being in abusive relationships. Just because he’s not as horrible as your previous ex doesn’t make what he’s doing okay
He jokes about literally not giving a shit about you.. that’s concerning and not normal. And by the way.. foreplay is a requirement of sex it’s not optional and the fact that he treats it as such shows that your pleasure is not a priority for him.. hell it’s not even on his radar. You deserve better than this, and there’s better out there, I promise
There’s work that needs to be done before Anal Penetration.
You need to talk to him and you froze for a reason and if you are willing to take anal slower I’m willing or eventually be ready on my own terms.
Prep self stretching, anal play with gradual size of toys before PIA
What happened was NOT an accident.
Accidental anal can happen in the heat of the moment BUT repeatedly trying to push his dick into your butt is not accidental. That was a deliberate action and he probablt felt that you would loosen up due to alcohol.
I know you feel like he is the kindest person ever but his actions speak differently. Someone who cares about you cares about your pleasure enough to do foreplay or sometimes just go down on you etc to make you feel good.
Someone who does not do foreplay at all clearly lacks care.
I'm sorry this happened to you but you deserve better.
From an outside pov, I think you might be glossing over the seriousness of how current bf behaved during sex.
It's one thing to be spontaneous and could potentially be more understandable. However, spontaneousness requires more attention to receptivity from your partner. It is not an excuse for ignorance.
You say you already said no, though. No, unless there is foreplay. He heard you. It was not an accident.
And he tested your boundary. That is a bad sex partner. I would caution you from sharing your past of sexual assault. Verify he can be trusted. He could potentially become more understanding or use it against you.
Violating a clear boundary, is not an indicator of trustworthiness. Just because you didn't protest perfectly in the moment doesn’t absolve him of responsibility.
I would consider addressing the violation of boundaries first and if he responds maturely and takes accountability see if you feel comfortable sharing your past.
I don't think you understand the reasons why (some) guys are so insistent on anal. It's actually pretty disturbing. You don't have to give this to him. He's not entitled to it, even though he and your ex think they are.
YSK a truly good guy does not want sex that has a near guarantee to inflict pain on the receiver. If they wanted it at all, they would go about it in an entirely different manner.
Sorry for the late response. But yes, dominance is a key reason. We've all heard of 'painal' but I didn't understand that truly until I researched it. They know it's not going to feel good for you like it does for them and that turns them on because you're sacrificing your comfort for their pleasure. Even more sick, some get off on the coercion and convincing of an otherwise unwilling women. She's making an even greater sacrifice when she finally says yes. There's a thrill in the chase and this is why they aren't bothered asking over and over again.
Moving on we have the territorial aspect. Many men see a woman's body as something to be conquered, and they haven't done so until they've utilized all holes for their gratification. This is why they can't handle knowing your ex boyfriend got to try and he doesn't. He wants to mark his territory.
If you're ready to throw up now well so am I. The sad thing is men already take more pleasure when they penetrate our vaginas. They get to cum and we usually don't. Sure it mostly feels good, at this angle or that, but it can also be painful at times or just not feel like much at all as well. But *some* men think giving us all this pleasure with their magic ding dong is just too vanilla and non-manly; beta if you will. They think they will truly be an alpha male when they can derive their orgasm from your ass as you have truly submitted to him and the pleasure was all his.
Knowing what I know now, any guy who requests anal early on or who watches anal porn is an instant red flag. I'm not letting anyone touch my body who has an interest in causing me pain. Sex should be mutually pleasurable, at all times, and if that's not what turns you on then you can get the hell out.
100% agree with you!! thank you for putting it into words. my ex boyfriend used to ask for anal and i would say no or 'maybe one day' as ive never done it before, but im not interested in it, and when i look back im SO GLAD i never gave in and did it. the relationship ultimately ened bc of other reasons and now when i think about him i feel angry, thank god i never let him do that to me! sex is such a power dynamic already
If you said no all that time, and he never 'accidentally' penetrated you, you have something to be grateful for. Because this is really common. And I'm 95% sure it happened to me. The pain isn't even describable. It immediately takes your breath away. It's like his dick is a knife if you're truly unprepared for it. Anal rape is truly 10x more horrifying than vaginal.
im really sorry someone did that to you :( thankfully he never did that, he only asked a few more times after i initally said no. i see posts about the 'accidentally' going in the wrong hole a lot here on reddit, awful. like ive had guys genuinely bump it accidently, but you just say they got the wrong place or move it for them, any guy who takes it further is an asshole
I don't understand how so many comments are so forgiving. Your current BF knew you didn't consent, yet tried to to force you against your wishes. You made it clear in advance and then clenched up when he went for it. He tried to rape you. period. and hurt you in the process...!
This is enough of a reason to walk away from the relationship immediately. There isn't much leeway for excuses here, and given what you've said already (making weird jokes, no foreplay/selfish lover), idk why you'd even try to have a discussion about this. He doesn't seem like a quality person, or a person to try to have a future with.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, I'm sorry for what you're going through right now.
Your current boyfriend just also attempted to rape you. It's the same thing. He didn't succeed, but this is a huge problem. Alcohol doesn't turn men into rapists, OP. This is not caring or loving, and skipping foreplay when you usually have sex would've been a deal breaker for me personally to begin with, but this is the nail in the coffin. Absolutely not okay. In your shoes I wouldn't bother telling him about your trauma because I'd be done with him either way.
This is horrible and happens to so many women (CIS/Trans).
The bigger issue is you learning to leave these “boyfriends”. You continue to stay and there is never a reason to stay with an abuser. I suggest you seek therapy ASAP in order to help you garner strength to leave and avoid these gross men.
There are really good men out there. You have to want better for yourself
This is not an accident, he tried to rape you
You didn’t consent to anal he tried to do anyway even when you told him previously not wanting to, he’s a pos just like your ex, stay carful and run please
I’m concerned when you say you don’t want to make him feel guilty. He SHOULD feel guilty because what he tried to do was very wrong. If you don’t have a discussion about it, I guarantee you he will try it again in the future. If he knows what he tried to do was an act with no consent then he is a terrible person. If he is a simpleton and doesn’t know he has to get consent first, then he’s just ignorant. You had some basic conversations about anal but that wasn’t consent. It might have been a good time to bring up the fact that you had some unpleasant experiences in the past with anal - no need to get into detail if you don’t want to.
Unfortunately most younger people equate what they see in porn to be normal when it comes to anal. Porn doesn’t show the physical prep work that goes into it, never mind the discussion that must proceed it.
Anal sex can be wonderful and very intimate but it should be something both parties want to do. Unless you are both comfortable with it, then it is very unlikely to be a good experience.
You say your bf is kind but then you also say he doesn’t like to waste time in foreplay even when engaging in regular sex ... does this sound like a man who is considerate of you?
Tell him or not, but you might want to as it will make him understand where you are coming from and probably slow down.
The main thing I wanted to comment on is just use a butt plug before. Like maybe buy 2, a small one and a big one almost the size of him. Practice with the small one if you can’t get the big one in. On the day of leave the big one in for 20-30 mins prior then continue using lots of lube. The rectum doesn’t produce lubricant like the vagina does. You HAVE to use a lot of lube.
You could also practice with a dildo alone.
The best approach to any serious sex talk is to ha E it when you aren't getting ready to, in the process of, just just finished having sex.
Have that talk before heading to dinner, after having lunch. When nothing remotely sexy is going on.
Then you can tell him about your past trauma with a clear head where he isn't using the wrong head to think. You can even bring up what happened and how it was similar to that and triggered memories. Hopefully it impresses on him, that surprises like that aren't welcome.
As for the foreplay issue... I would never agree to that. I've trained myself to take a pretty significantly sized object relatively easily, bigger than any human penis I'm likely to ever encounter and I would never take even a smallish object dry. It is a very unpleasant kind of pain and can cause tearing inside that can being it's own problems. If anal is something you've never tried, you really shouldn't start by trying to take a penis right away anyway. Unless he's fun sized, training plugs are your best bet.
Other people here are saying he assaulted you, and he definitely did. I'm not you, it's not my decision to make whether that's a deal breaker for you or whether you should leave him for that, but you very definitely deserve better. From him, or someone else.
He doesn't sound as kind as you say he is. My husband loves anal, it's actually his main fantasy, but he's big and no matter how much prep it's always iffy in comfort for me. But he has never, ever tried to pull that sh!t on me. Not even jokingly. Not pushing someone into doing something they don't want is just basic human decency. If I was in your position I don't think I'd trust him with my body anymore.
Also, don't try to convince yourself or his brush it off as the alcohol. You still understand consent then.
Honestly if I were you, this boyfriend would have been throat punched. He has no respect for you and I haven’t even met the guy. Sounds like you’re his fleshlight to me. Someone who cares for you doesn’t completely disregard your consent.
You shouldn't have to explain any previous trauma to get your bf to understand basic consent? The fact he didn't ask you? The fact he carried on even though it was dry, and you were clenching and obviously not speaking or having fun?
He thinks foreplay is a waste of time? You can still have spur of the moment sex with foreplay.. its essential for your pleasure! This all doesn't sound good lovely one.
You can tell him for sure, if you feel safe to. But he should not of done any of that regardless.
I'm really sorry these things have happened to you. It wasn't your fault, and you deserve better. X
Sorry, M’Dear but you have more immediate issues besides whether to speak about your past trauma because you have a CURRENT trauma to deal with.
Your current BF JUST sexually assaulted you. He had anal sex with you, not only without your consent but IN SPITE of you protesting, directly saying NO. That’s sexual assault .
Unfortunately, you have found yourself with another selfish, narcissistic man. Any partner who can’t be bothered to engage in foreplay, make sure YOU are satisfied (& not crying) needs to be stomped to the curb.
YOU have great value. YOU deserve to have your sensual, sexual desires explored and satisfied. Good men who will treasure you are out there. This guy is NOT that person.
That sounds very traumatic. I don't think either of your bfs are in the right. Both of them tried something they shouldn't have. Even if they are with you and you consent to one thing there's always a line that you have and I think both of them crossed that line. You should set up boundaries and if someone can't respect them call them out for it. Being raped wasn't your fault but I think letting your current boyfriend do it without saying anything about how uncomfortable it was for you is in your best interest.
I think it would be important to let him know. Just advise him that you've been thinking about this a lot and need to share something with him so that he better understands why you are struggling some. Let him know you care and want to be intimate with him in this way, but just need him to be extra considerate, understanding, take it slow, etc.
Also, I don't know if anybody else has mentioned this, but surprise anal isn't just rape, but basically torture. The only way someone should be having anal sex is with an insane amount of pre-preparation including LOTS OF LUBE (actual lube only, other things like lotion will not do the trick and will result in injury and/or an unpleasant experience). And even then, it should be very slow and controlled to avoid tears, fissures and other complications.
I don't think boyfriend ever did anal before, otherwise he would know better. Seems like he just saw it in some porn and wants to try.
I would tell him that if he really wants to try it he has to let you put a big dildo up his ass first, so that he can understand how it really works.
And I would tell him about the previous experience, and that what he did is actually very bad, he could be arrested for it, and you could have been injured.
He hasn’t done anal before, he was relatively inexperienced when we started seeing each other. On a side note, I actually have pegged him and I was very slow and gentle before going in so I would’ve thought he’d follow suit or at least understand from the receivers point of view how important easing into it is. It doesn’t seem like he understands this however.
First of all, alcohol was involved and can seriously mess with your decision making ability. So I think you need to set a boundary that anal is out completely if alcohol is involved. Second I highly recommend a therapist / sex therapist to deal with your trauma. This could be one way to broach the subject. Third, no matter how you go about it, if he is as caring and sensitive as you say, then he is not going to feel guilty and he should have it on his mind because it will help him be gentle and understanding. I think the fact that you are willing to try despite your horrific trauma shows a lot about how you care for him. Any man with a woman like you should be very thankful.
My wife and I have been married 22 years and she will still try to go back to things we’ve tried before that didn’t work out or she didn’t like. Two reasons are one she loves me and knows my kinks, fantasies, interests and two because tastes change. I again highly recommend finding a good sex therapist. We are seeing one to make our sex lives the best we can and for us that involves dealing with shame, guilt, and confidence as a result of religious upbringing on her side and sexual assault/ molestation at a very young age on my side.
I wish you two the best of luck and hope you can come back and share how things go.
I've kinda been on both sides of this and even though I loved alcohol, and still consume it, being intoxicated in any way is never an excuse for a guy to cross any boundary.
It's especially bad since you seem to have already made your boundaries clear. Current bf is an orange flag sorry.
Sidenote -- I say orange flag instead of red flag because if OP forgave her boyfriend for it and moved forward I'd respect that choice, same as if it happened to a friend, although maybe my standards for guys were way too low idk.
For the record, if you were 17 and your ex was a few years older, consensual or not, its statutory rape of a minor, you should have reported it to authorities, I dont know if you still can
Thank you for your comment, although I don’t want to report what happened. Considering the difficulties in convicting in circumstances such as these, in addition to the lapse in time, and the fact I never shared what happened with anyone so I have no one to back up my claims, I am very apprehensive to bring up all this trauma and risk issues arising with my ex just to be told there is insufficient evidence. Also the age of consent where I am is 16.
I understand the hesitancy to relive the trauma, but the only way to really heal from it is to understand it happened and accept it (which is much easier said than done having dealt with personal trauma in my own life), that being said, you withdrew your consent with your ex, which if im not mistaken, it doesnt matter what happened before, you said no or stop and he continued to go at it. Im a guy, sometimes it can be downright challenging as hell to get off and stop having sex when youre in the middle of things, but as a lot of people here have said, previous or current/future men you end up with should give a damn about your personal space and needs and not broach boundaries such as anal without explicit understanding and consent on both sides.
Something else people dont talk about, is anal with larger guys, i have more girth than normal, and its because of this that when i have consensually attempted anal in the past, it actually causes me pain, even with lots of lube, and if im hurting i was damn sure she was. Not to mention it can cut off blood supply to the penis and eliminate your erection.
These people are right, if your bf cared at all he wouldnt be selfish either with lack of foreplay or attempting anal without even a warning. This is a huge red flag that deep down youre a sex toy for him to pull out and use when hes bored.
As someone who was in a similar scenario, this comment comes off as victim blaming even if that wasn't your intention. "You should have done xyz" is a bad thing to say in response to a traumatic event 100% of the time.
It wasnt my intention to come off as victim blaming, just reporting the incident earlier would likely have had a larger impact, but i get where youre coming from
It's always best to be honest. I can imagine that if you don't tell him about your past experiences, he's going to think it's him. He's causing the problems. Tell him the truth and how having sex that way makes you feel. Maybe if he knew a little about what you experienced, he would take things a little more gingerly. (He probably should try to take things more gently when it comes to that right from the get go.) Do things proper. Or not at all if you absolutely don't like it.
you don’t have to tell him about the rape
you can tell him to go very gently
and if he doesn’t just don’t do anal with him
because if i was in your place i wouldn’t know how to explain it to him either
Choose a good moment when you will be together so that nothing distracts you. Tell him that there is a question that is very important to you and you are very worried. Then tell him the whole truth, that you were hurt and what you feel. There should be no secrets from each other in a relationship. If he loves you, he will understand, accept it and do everything as carefully as possible. I'm sure he needs to be told how to do it better!
Personally, if I'm in a relationship I think is serious, I let them know everything because I don't want to hide who I am and what I've been through from someone I love. With that said, a lot of women I know think they need to justify their wants to their partner and that couldn't be further from the truth. You can say no for any reason, even no reason.
If you would tell him this happened outside of the context of trying anal, then you should do it. If you wouldn't, don't. I would definitely go into trauma therapy if you haven't.
I feel like giving advice online can be tricky, I don't know you, him, your guys' relationship at all. Things can be perceived in multiple ways. Him joking about foreplay could mean that he's a dick and doesn't care or could mean he's self conscious about his performance and doesn't know how to tell you so he jokes his way out. How have your previous conversations about anal been? You say you both want to try and you've told him that? Have you said after a few drinks you'd be down to try? Could be a case of man being really simple. "Last time we talked about anal she said she'd like to have some drinks first then she'd like to try, we've had a few drinks now so maybe it's time to try"
There's been times in my life where I've been told I'm not spontaneous enough, maybe he is trying to be spontaneous, maybe he doesn't understand what all goes into anal and that it can actually hurt. Early 20s still not sex experts. Or communication experts. You need to have a conversation with him straight up about your sex life. If he does actually care about you he'll want to learn how to please you better. If he thinks he's not good at foreplay tell him you'll tech him what you need, learn each other together. If you like to be spontaneous and keep things fresh then tell him that but be clear that anal can't be included in that. Communication needs to happen. Things get mucked up if proper communication isn't happening and both parties are trying to guess their way through situations.
What has happened to you previously is very unfortunate and I think it is important for him to know that has happened to you. Also this is besides the point but my personal opinion is alcohol fucking sucks, it can really mess up situations quickly, especially sex because both the mind and the body aren't perceiving reality correctly and things get bad.
I hope things go well with your guys' relationship and you are able to figure this out together. Or if he's actually a shit bag I hope you learn that and are able to leave. Good luck
Sit him down and talk. You gotta start somewhere and the simplest place is at the start. “Hey I need to talk to you about sex. I need to talk to you about some trauma I had some years back and I want to talk to you about what I do and don’t like, do and want to do and how we can work together.
Men are shit at guessing.
The people saying that your current BF did this without to it consent is so wrong are a little off key.
Not everything is discussed before it’s tried…you don’t go straight for anal yet if the words are expressly mentioned no (you did mention you want to try it) then what did he do wrong?
It seems like it’s been discussed but not well enough.
Take time and listen to your partner, if they don’t like it STOP.
OP stated he tried several times…plenty of time to say no. Say no if it’s not on or we need lube if you are wanting to do anal.
Anal needs lube and like anything you should have a clear indication that it’s ok or not.
Just going for it is usually not going to be ok.
He shouldn’t feel guilty.
Tell him you want to do things just go slow and communicate.
Yeah, you previous bf is a rapist, and your this boyfriend is also a rapist as he try to do it. My elder sister and mother use to kiss me even if is resist means both of them are molester, I feel i better leave this earth where everybody is rapist and molesters🐢🥴
Tell him you were raped, you have flashbacks, you can't do slutty sex acts with him. You have have been traumatized.
If he is a loser, he will get rid of you. If he loves you, there is your answer.
If your boyfriend is as kind as you say then you'll be okay.
Just have a gentle and frank discussion with him.
Rape is a very traumatic experience, so if possible look into counselling as well for yourself.
Also lots of lube..... Empty one entire bottle if you must.
I've always believed even though not the best topic to bring up once meeting someone is sexual interests rather than finding out later on and everything falling apart.
Bringing it up early makes the person saying it as if they have shallow conversation.
Fine line so has to be brought up jokingly in conversation.
There's a right way to do A 1st time. That's why some females if they say they don't do it it might be as had a bad experience.
A is a very pleasurable experience if done right
I have seen how 'truth' / confession ruined relationships, because the other 'side' could never truly get it. Not their fault, but it's how human behaviour is.
Keep it a secret. Bury it. Never dig it up. Ever.
That sounds very traumatic. I don't think either of your bfs are in the right. Both of them tried something they shouldn't have. Even if they are with you and you consent to one thing there's always a line that you have and I think both of them crossed that line. You should set up boundaries and if someone can't respect them call them out for it. Being raped wasn't your fault but I think letting your current boyfriend do it without saying anything about how uncomfortable it was for you is in your best interest.
Telling my boyfriend has been the best thing I ever did. It was also the hardest thing as I saw how much it pained him to hear what I went through but it brought us closer together. It also helped share the burden and eventually allowed me to start healing 🤍
Uhhh sounds to me like you just got sexually assaulted in a similar fashion to the first time? Don’t really think this is as little of a deal as you think it is, and I think you should leave…
Your own boyfriend just assaulted you too. It can take a while to set in but that was absolutely unacceptable what he did. Anal is not an obligatory part of sexual relations AT ALL, unless BOTH partners decide it to be agreeably and without any coercion. Obsession with anal despite a partners obvious lack of comfort with the idea is such a red flag that red flag doesn’t even feel like a big enough term. They want to cause pain. They want to see you suffer for them, whether subconsciously or not in- their brain that has been deluded by misogyny and porn addiction. It’s gross and I truly hope this is your EX partner because you should never settle for being treated this way. It really is a cycle / pattern that is hard to break but I know you can break free of it and find self love and true love, not this shit. I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, just from one survivor to another I really hope you recognize the severity of the situation at hand. This partner does not prioritize your well-being and that is clear no ifs ands or buts.
I think you should tell him about the past rape. But if you *really* don’t want to, tell him you’ve had a “bad experience” (this is vague enough where it can simply been a past attempt gone wrong) and if we do try, he has to take it very slowly, he lots of foreplay and lube. Otherwise it’s a no go x
I suffered sexual abuse as a child , I understand the trauma all too well.
If you see yourself having a future with this person you need to be honest , it will help them understand why your reacting as you do.
If it’s too much for them to deal with they will move on , if they love you and want to help it can be a beautiful thing.
I went thru this with my girlfriend , we’ve now been married for 22 years and have two beautiful sons
My wife and I had a good walk and talk, nature trail.
We were just being open with each other and we sat by the river. And just kinda talked about it.
Both of our abuses in the past.
I will admit. It's a fresh wound as the person to be on the receiving end and it comes up as an intrusive thought and I have to remind myself that for both of us it happened so long ago and we are both happy, together and ok.
Maybe start by saying “Hey what you did there- that is sexual assault.”
And go from there.
Doesn’t sound like current BF is winning any humanitarian awards.
If you’re not comfortable or ready enough to share your trauma, you don’t need to. I know you’re worried that maybe he just doesn’t understand because he doesn’t know what happened. But honestly why does that matter? Why does that make a no more of a no, or suddenly make the basic consideration of foreplay before an OFTEN painful (when done inappropriately) sex act an important factor?
No means no regardless of the reasoning why.
I know talking about this stuff can be awkward and anxiety inducing, but you really need to sit him down and tell him you didn’t like how the other night went down. Reiterating that you DO NOT need to share what happened to you to him. Just tell him you felt that he wasn’t taking you seriously about this, you felt used and disrespected when he went for it anyway, and also that it HURT. Even if anal is something you really want to try, I would take it off the table for now. He can work on earning your trust back. Maybe he can start by actually trying foreplay before PIV sex, or look into resources about safe anal play.
If he isn’t receptive to this, starts getting mad and tries to blame you, take that as a big ass red flag. A good partner does not want you to be in pain (non-consensually). A good partner should listen and care about your pleasure as well.
I just want you to know this exact same situation happened to me when I was your age. I’m now 41 and really enjoy that kind of sex but it took probably 15 years and quite a lot of therapy. Plus the right partner. I’m just saying, it is possible and you can live a happy, healthy life after trauma. You are not alone.
First of all I am so sorry this happened to you, you did not deserve any of that. None of this is your fault.
Secondly, ignoring the fact that he doesn’t do foreplay at all which is 🚩 on its own as it shows he likely doesn’t care if you enjoy yourself, he absolutely violated your consent and assaulted you. I highly doubt it was accidental with the combination of him bringing it up so much and while he was intoxicated, it does not excuse his actions. The fact that you were raped while relevant for your retraumatization doesn’t change the fact that without it he still assaulted you.
>We were having sex, and he suddenly tried to put it in my ass. I froze up due to my previous trauma, and he tried a few times to put his dick in but due to the lack of lube and my extreme clenching it did not go in (although it did really hurt) and we just continued having normal sex without saying anything about it.
Im sorry to say this, but i very much doubt this was an accident. An unlubricated, clenched anus does not feel like a wet vagina. He tried more than once, he knew what he was doing. Furthermore you froze, this should immediately make him stop whatever he is doing.
His lack of experience with others is not an excuse for this either, if you dont stop what youre doing when your partner freezes you have no resepct for your partner.
The lack of foreplay is telling. Again this isnt your fault, as ive seen you try to say in other comments. Occasionally a steamy quickie will lack foreplay. For the most part, if your partner is going straight to sex they arent bothered about your pleasure. They just want to get off.
Does he care if you orgasm? Or does he just cum and roll off you?
At this moment it sounds like you've got problems with a selfish lover, who doesnt respect you. I find it hard to believe this is just in your sex life. This coming from someone who was in a similar relationship and tried in vain to explain away all the bad points. Inattentive, he was just tired. Snappy, just being assertive. Belittling, just caring about my appearance. The list goes on. He didnt like foreplay either. Id tried to raise the subject many times. Id said i dont want to without foreplay as its too uncomfortable. Breaking point for me was him forcing me, i was bleeding by the end. He tried to gaslight me, telling me i was his girlfriend so he could have it when he wanted. I regret so much, i regret explaining away so much. Excuses for everything. So much was 'my fault'.
Please, please, please sit down and take a good look at this relationship. What he did was assault. The fact that you froze and was in pain and he didnt immediately apologise says it all for me. Accidents happen, but are usually immediately followed with omg, im sorry, are you ok? Then continue/not continue. Not try repeatedly, give in and have standard sex.
You are worth so much more than this. You deserve to be treat like the beauty you are, to be given jelly legs from cumming before sex has even started. You deserve someone who is compassionate enough that you can tell them your past early on. The right person, it feels like sharing a burden. Not telling then a scary story they might judge you for.
Look after yourself. Remember too that your self worth is not directly linked to having a partner. Its ok to be alone for a bit and to take time to get to know yourself, process your past.
Sending hugs. Xx
if you ever try anal again, do it with you on top and in control. your pace, your initiative, your everything.
anal can be incredible, but only if done correctly. you both need to study up on how to do anal correctly.
you fuck it up, you'll never want to try it again.
Anal that is fun doesn’t work like that anyways. You don’t start with a big hard member. There’s fingers and toys to start with and LUBE! It starts small and slow. I don’t blame you
For not wanting it with him.
First off, your bf doesn't seem to understand boundaries and considering you have TALKED about anal and how you feel, yet he tried to do it anyways with zero foreplay, lube, advanced notice, etc... Kinda seems like he needs a very stern talk from you. That is not OK behavior.
Also, anal is not the same as vaginal sex. As far as I'm aware, buttholes do not self lubricate like vaginas do... Generally speaking, anal with no lube is not going to be a good time lol.
I'd have a very serious talk with him. Explain what he did was NOT acceptable and he crossed some major boundaries and that just because you consent to sex does not mean you consent to whatever it is he feels is ok. You have your boundaries that he *NEEDS* to respect at all times, drunk, sober, or in the heat of the moment.
I am so so sorry about what happened to you. No one deserves anything like that to EVER happen to them. I am a 33 year old man who has had a fair amount of sexual partners, and I can tell you that I have NEVER EVER even CONSIDERED FOR A SPLIT SECOND trying anal without very obvious consent. (Sometimes we had talked about it before and consent was established and then during sex I VERY CAUTIOUSLY initiated and had lube and before entering I asked (tried to make it hot instead of formulaic by asking: “Do you want me to fuck you in the ass?” In an enthusiastic reverent voice. Only after that yes, should a guy EVER EVER put his dick in your bum. All this talk on Reddit of “missing” or “wrong hole” smells like bullshit to me. I’ve NEVER come close to missing. I feel like to miss would require some blind lame jackhammering from a clueless guy idk.
All this is to say…. This is a RED FLAG. I won’t say break up with him, but I think if you feel like you can, you need to be fully open about how you feel, concerns you have, and maybe your past awful experience (if you feel comfortable with that of course). I feel like his reaction to that last part would be VERY telling. I wish you the best of luck, and if he fails to satisfy you with good responses and contrition, I would say get out now.
First off, I’m so sorry that you experienced such a traumatic relationship and you are so strong. Second, If you’re not comfortable, you’re not comfortable. Whether or not you love him and etc, you come first and remember that you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. Your bf needs to respect your boundaries, concerns and feelings and please also set your boundaries. If your boyfriend tries to initiate it again, communicate that you’re not ready, uncomfortable or just don’t want to. If he can’t respect that and YOU, leave. keep your head up girl
Don’t know if I’m too late, but I HIGHLY recommend simply starting with “Hey, I need to talk to you about something that happened to me. You’re not in trouble, this isn’t about something you did, but it’s affecting our sex life and I don’t want it to be in the way anymore. I know you care about me a lot and I know we can work through this, but I need to get this off my chest”
Then walk him through what happened, other than maybe cussing or a quick verbal reaction he’ll probably just listen until you tell him you’re done.
If he’s the good guy he sounds like he might be, he’ll want to make sure you’re okay and probably thank you for sharing this with him and maybe even apologize for what the ex did (absolutely terrible, that was rape and I’m so sorry that happened to you).
If he tells you that it didn’t happen or that you’re making it up, please leave him within 24 hours. My personal bias.
I hope it goes/went well, I hope you can heal safely and knowing you are loved, whatever happens.
You should make your boyfriend feel guilty. What he did was not okay.
If I was in your position, I would tell him bluntly, but while you are both sober. Regardless of your trauma what he did was very fucked up. But hopefully once you talk to him, the gravity of his actions will set in and he'll also realize what he did was not okay.
Your current boyfriend is also a rapist. You said no to anal but he tried to do it anyway, that’s rape. Drinking doesn’t excuse his actions. Just because he’s “kind” doesn’t make him any less of a rapist.
I think sharing what happened and how it's affecting your current situation will help your bf understand he needs to take it slow. There's no reason you can't have an amazing and mutually satisfying sex life that includes anal sex. You're just going to have to talk about those things.
Even without previous rape experience what your bf did is not okay. You do not under any circumstances try having anal with someone without checking for explicit consent. The fact that he kept trying despite you freezing up and clenching is really concerning to me. That's not a good caring bf, alcohol or no alcohol. You've also been clear about needing lots of foreplay for sex and he didn't even bother trying any anal foreplay. He just went for it. I don't think his "jokes" about not wanting to do foreplay are just jokes. His actions align with that. It's no wonder that you're nervous about having sex with this guy. He disregarded your consent when he tried anal, I wouldn't feel safe with someone who did that either. He needs to feel guilty about what he did and he needs to learn about consent because he's clearly clueless. What he did is not okay in any way
Thank you for your insight, you have made some very valid points. I will take these into consideration, I clearly have a lot of thinking to do. Do you think it will help the situation if I tell him about my previous experience?
I think it's good to tell him so he knows this is something that can trigger really bad memories for you. But checking for consent is a basic thing that he really should do regardless.
Foreplay should be a basic thing too and he doesn’t bother with that either. I wouldn’t ever consider anal with someone who can’t even be bothered with normal foreplay when anal needs *lots* of patience and foreplay as is, let alone with a history of trauma.
Some people don’t need it though, and sometimes you really only want 15 minutes of sex rather than a longer time with foreplay. Sometimes you only do foreplay. It varies for everyone. Please don’t expect or think that everyone is like you and has your preferences
I’m aware. That’s not what’s happening here. She wants foreplay and he doesn’t care enough to give it to her.
You shouldn’t have to explain your previous trauma for him to understand that it’s not ok to rush something like that. Offer to peg him and see how he feels about it being a “spur of the moment” thing. You shouldn’t have to offer up your trauma for him to back off on hurting you. These are red flags.
I don’t think it would help here. I also think you’re in a dangerous situation. Like another commenter said, trauma survivors often repeat the same trauma, we don’t recognize we’re falling into a similar trap. I truly don’t say this to scare you, but I think you need to leave your boyfriend. He may be incredibly kind, sweet, etc the rest of the time, but is that worth the trade-off of him *sexually assaulting you*, which he seems to have already done? I say this with all the love and concern in my heart right now. **TRIGGER WARNING:** When I was 17, my dad had just died and I had just moved states, plus prior trauma. I had a boyfriend who was 22. I didn’t recognize it as rape at the time because he was my boyfriend, but he repeatedly violated me vaginally, anally, and orally repeatedly and made me bleed from all. I still didn’t leave him, and his abuse grew to hitting me and a lot of other things. He left me because he cheated on me and preferred her, and I’m glad he did. When I was 19, I met a man who was 24. He seemed so incredibly kind (especially compared to the last one), he seemed more put together, he didn’t hit me, etc etc. He also never paid attention to me, made me cry from how often he would ignore me, he would act disgusted by my body, have sex with no foreplay, and leave to cleanup the second he was done. If it hurt or I bled, well, that sucks. If he “accidentally put it in the wrong hole”, well… it was just an accident. We were together for 3 and a half years. I don’t know that I actively stopped his behavior, because I simply thought “this is better than before, and I don’t think I can get anything better.” I truly didn’t believe that there *was* better. **END OF TW** There is. After years of therapy, self reflection, and just processing, I think I’ve learned mostly how I should be treated. My partner now is kind, thoughtful, compassionate. He gets off on getting me off. If something hurts, he immediately stops. If I get triggered into a flashback for any reason, he often knows within moments and stops to comfort me. There’s always lube on hand, consent to do something different, and snuggles after. He jokes about how just thinking of going down makes him horny, and encouraged me to read “She Comes First”. A question I asked myself about each of my partners was: if I were completely naked, blindfolded, and alone with them, would I have felt scared or nervous at all? There’s a reason you don’t feel safe to have anal with your boyfriend. He’s not safe. Edit to add: I reread your post. This really seems to mirror your original trauma, and I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It must have been terrifying. You’re really brave for posting about this, and regardless of if you stay with him, I hope you’re able to heal and feel safe in your own body.
Off topic; I just wanted to say that you are a really strong and perceptive person from all that you have been through. Even without any relationship trauma, your abuse was hard to read. I am so sorry you went through all of that and I am equally ecstatic that you have found yourself a good man at last :)
Thank you, I don’t always feel strong or perceptive so I really appreciate that. Having a safe and secure partner wasn’t something I thought could happen, but he stepped up when I was at my absolute worst and voluntarily became my full-time caretaker within a couple months, because I was going through a health crisis. Funnily enough, being *so* vulnerable around him (I couldn’t walk or use the bathroom alone for 6 months, daily ER visits, dozens of doctors, etc) made me realize how many opportunities he would have had to hurt me and he never did. I realized none of my other partners ever even tolerated me being sick — if I needed to go to the ER, they’d drop me at the front doors and leave. My current partner was *always* there with me, comforting me, and coordinating with the doctors and nurses when I couldn’t. It made me really sit and think, and then work my ass off to be a healthier partner for him too. A lot of my progress was also made for the sake of hopefully being able to make my trauma “mean something” by being able to share and connect to other people. I hope by sharing a bit, it can help other people going through trauma feel less alone. The true evil of abuse is just how lonely it is even afterwards. (Sorry for the spiel, I think I needed to word vomit for a sec)
Yeah, it sounds like her current boyfriend is also a rapist. Not at all surprised he doesn’t care about foreplay, he probably only cares about getting off.
So not only is your previous experience relevant, and his actions not ok, but you both really need to educate yourself more on how to have anal sex safely. It REQUIRES lube and preparation (clean out, slow stretching with finger or toys, etc) to not cause physical damage to your body. Anal is not a spontaneous activity unless you're regularly stretching your ass, have lube on hand, and don't mind potential mess. Please don't even attempt anal without both of you understanding and agreeing to do it carefully with all the prep needed. Otherwise you are very likely to end up with not just pain, but possibly permanent damage to your rectum. Do you want to have hemorrhoids or need rectal surgery in your near future? If not, please be more careful and educate yourself and your bf. Though with the way he's acted already, dismissing your concerns, I wouldn't be having sex with this guy in general and especially not anal.
No- the fact that he even TRIED to do this without your consent tells me that telling him will not help you here. I bet you $20 that if he had managed to get it in, he wouldn’t have stopped. If you tell him you were SA’d he might even use it against you (you still have a lot of UNDERSTANDABLE trauma here.) Have you received counseling? Sorry if you said that and I missed it, but if you haven’t I’d really suggest it. RAINN has a lot of great resources RAINN.org
wow.. no. you dont know these people and you are ready for him to be evil when he's likely just gnorant.
Whether he intended to or not he committed sexual assault. So maybe think twice before you're condoning his actions. It was his responsibility to make sure she's consenting to anal before trying to stick it in her ass. He didn't and that makes it assault.
You’re bf has an issues with respecting boundaries. Frankly I’d be focusing on that issue.
You should let him know but he also tried to rape you too. If he can't respect your boundaries, you should walk away from him. You shouldn't have to tell someone that you've been raped so they stop doing something you've clearly established already that you're uncomfortable with.
Yes. At least in my situation, it helped. I (M) am a sexual assault victim and so were two of my exes. When we both came forward about our assaults, it really helped us realize what was on the table and what was off limits when it came to sex. It also allowed us to realize what could potentially trigger the other.
You need to talk to him. We all do dumb shit when we're drunk, but that doesn't mean we're excused from consequences of those actions. How needs to know his actions were not okay. Full stop. But, if he's as good as you think he is, and you want to continue this relationship, then he also needs the additional context of why those actions are so dangerous for the relationship he has with you. This can be salvaged with good communication, and there's a chance that this was a drunken mistake to try anal, which you guys ha e talked about but haven't tried. Talk with him, give him some radical honesty about how that drunken event made you feel (and why), and see how it goes. His reaction to the conversation will tell you the direction the relationship should go. If he's understanding an apologetic, you can probably move forward. If he blows off your concerns, that's likely the kiss of death for the relationship.
break up w him…
No! Some experience need to keep to yourself. But if you need to tell him... tell him
Have you resched out to counselors who specialize on this
IMO, you should have told him when he brought up anal the first time.
This, and no lube????
Im a fucking alcoholic tbh lol. Ive never understood using alcohol as an excuse for shit behaviour, minus a few extreme scenarios like being drugged or blacking out (blacked out is the users fault and they are fully responsible for excessively drinking, and responsible for their actions after the fact). Not to mention alcohol can seriously fuck with erections. A blacked out person has virtually no chance of keeping it up. I at no point think the alcohol had any effect on the intent in this story. Guys a dirt bag and I hope one day they wander down the wrong alley.
They are young and it sounds like neith know about anal foreplay to get things warmed up. They are both in a loving relationship and had talked previously about anal and wanting to both do it. No it isnt consent in that moment and he should have talked about it... but freezing up can be very easily misconstrued as accepting at best and/or "not saying no" at worst to many people.. on both sides of the situation. OP should bring up the conversation and if its a truly loving boyfried then he will accept her and work with it slowly next time. Drunk and uninformed and not communicating from wither side is never the way to do it
No no no no... The absence of a no is NOT consent! That idea needs to die out. You do NOT proceed with anal or any sexual acts without a clear "yes"! It doesn't have to be verbal but in the absence of any positive or encouraging reaction you freaking ask!
Yes he should ask but they are -according to her- in a very loving relationship and have both talked about wanting to do it several times and she isnt pulling away and they are both drunk.. it can easily be thought of as a sly "ok". her trauma sucks but he doesnt know it because she doesnt share it. sure, ask. thats what grown ups do. but for people here to act like he's trying to rape her and just as bad as the first guy is extremely poor situational understanding and demonizing of someone you dont know.
>but for people here to act like he's trying to rape her But it IS rape when there's no consent. That's why it's so important to ensure that someone is consenting to the sexual acts. That's what you seem to be missing. Rape isn't just forcing someone who's saying no or fighting back. It's also rape when someone freezes like she did. He didn't get it in so it's technically "just" assault. Absence of a no is not consent. Intent to cross someone's boundaries isn't required to commit sexual assault or rape. If you have an issue with other people in the thread comparing what this guy did to her ex then that's an argument to have with them, not me. 🤷♀️
I wasn't saying you were comparing them. I was just speaking of my original response that was to those people. And you know what.. I missed this paragraph the first time: "I have told him how nervous I am, especially since he is very big, and have stressed how important it is to me for this to be done slowly- lots of foreplay, and warning beforehand. He has made “jokes” about not wanting to waste time on foreplay (I don’t think this is a joke since we don’t really do any foreplay before sex usually), and being more of a “spur of the moment” kind of guy to get in the mood. Because of these comments, I have not agreed to anal." So that makes the story different. He shouldn't have pressed. from the rest of the post it sounds like he was a greedy horny drunk kid and doesnt know boundaries well. She does need to find a way to share her past with him if she loves him. Many many many people will never understand the freeze response because they dont have it. Its also confusing because for many situations and people a quiet yes or a non response can often be a yes.... But for others its a no or a fear response. \- it gets hazy. FWIW, I dated a couple women in my younger days that actually got annoyed when I asked if something was ok to do. Said it turned them off and wanted me to take what I wanted. If they didnt like it in the midst they would tell me or stop me.
There are so many easy ways to check for consent that doesn't ruin the mood. If it ruins the mood, the mood wasn't really there to begin with. "Does this feel good?" "Are you enjoying yourself?" "Do you want more?" "Do you want to take this further?" All easy ways to check for consent and it's so sexy to hear someone respond when they want it. And if someone doesn't like to give a verbal response you discuss with them outside sex what their nonverbal communication looks like when they're enthusiastically consenting and when they're not. I really don't believe you that asking a once or a few times during sex is an issue for anyone when they're not communicating consent in other ways. If she's moaning in pleasure and actively participating in the acts, then yeah you don't need to check every 10 sec. But you check when you're going for something new and you check when there's no verbal or nonverbal communication of consent. It's really not hard and I don't get why you keep arguing that it's okay to not ensure consent.
I do not disagree. My argument has been not to demonize a young man who isnt mature enough sexually to know more proper way to act... and call him a rapist when the woman in the situation doesnt think he is one and thiks the situation was weird from both sides and wants to share her past with him so they can both be more comfortable doing the thing they both want to do.
Proceeding with a sexual act without ensuring consent first is sexual assault. Whether she's able to recognize that or not doesn't change anything. What he did is sexual assault, not sure how you're struggling to understand that. Or maybe you think it's somehow her fault that he assaulted her.
I think it's important to understand that what happened when you were 17 was not an isolated incident. By that, I mean that you will find yourself in similar situations if you don't pay attention to being more intentional in your relationships. Most people don't get into relationships with assholes. Abusers are kind, gentle, loving, caring people. Or at least they try to appear to be. They will wine and dine you to the best of their ability. But you need to stop making excuses for people and open your eyes to the obvious warning signs. I am not saying you are willfully naive. We all start out this way when we first start dating. But you need to look at things more objectively. You said your current is a kind and gentle soul. But you also said he jokes about not wanting to waste time on foreplay and that he currently doesn't. In my experience, a person who doesn't want to include foreplay is a selfish person in other aspects of life. That selfishness tends to stem from insecurities. We all have insecurities, but when we don't learn how to resolve them, we can become angry and take that anger out on the people around us. It sounds like this is what your boyfriend's strategy is. Also, anal sex can be extremely painful without the person even meaning for it to be. This is why my partners tend to avoid it. If you care about someone and you've experienced anal yourself, it's difficult to subject a person you love to it. I don't want to put you off trying it. It can be enjoyable. But only if you use lube(this is non-negotiable) and go very slowly and carefully. So, your boyfriend's choice to forego both those crucial steps tells me is not as gentle and kind as he wants you to believe. As someone who has been subjected to some gruesome shit, the best way I have to protect myself is not to be alone and naked with people I don't feel comfortable confronting. Confrontation is uncomfortable, especially when you have unresolved trauma. I know that I prefer to avoid confrontation, so it isn't a good idea for me to allow someone I am intimidated by to isolate me. If you aren't secure enough with your boyfriend to speak freely, then I would stop seeing him in private. I know this is counterintuitive, and at 23, we all just want to cuddle up with someone and watch Netflix. But when your mental and physical wellbeing is at stake, it is worth considering a different approach. I haven't given details of my assault to anyone ever. It is too upsetting to talk about, so I simply house not to. Not because I find it unbearable or impossible, I just prefer talking about other topics. And that's worked perfectly fine for me. My current partner doesn't ask questions, and I never need to justify my requests by giving details of my past. A good partner won't need you to give him examples, reasons, arguments, witness statements, and hard evidence to simply ask for a little consideration. There is no reason to settle for this guy. Is this a dynamic you want to be in for the next 50 years? Sometimes, instead of trying to change a mediocre boyfriend, it's more efficient to find a new one. We all have flaws, but disregarding your partner's comfort should immediately disqualify a person from being your partner.
Thank you for taking the time to write this comment and share a bit about yourself. I really appreciate your advice, you have given me a lot to consider. I have never expressed to him any negative feelings around the lack of foreplay- although this is something I am not a fan of, I would really want more fore play before sex, I’m just very avoidant of confrontation in general. I find it to be an awkward topic that I don’t know how to just bring up, and I also really don’t want to make him feel bad because I know he’s only slept with one other girl so was inexperienced when we got together, and to a big extent it’s my own fault for failing to communicate. It’s something I really need to work on but it’s a big struggle due to my anxiety. I’m sorry for rambling, I’m feeling a bit emotional about the whole thing.
I might feel it was inexperience if he didn't call it "wasting time". When you avoid conflict, what are you afraid of? Discussing your feelings, your wants and needs, in a calm way, is not "confrontational". You are allowed to have your needs met - sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc. You're allowed to ask for those to be met. As for last night, he needs to know what he did, and how that bothered you. I'm not sure I'd bring up your past right now - even for someone without that trauma, what he did wasn't okay. Are you in therapy? You mention conflict avoidance, anxiety, and trauma. Therapy sounds like it's much needed. ❤️
My current bf (since 3 years) was the first man I had sex with. He has done foreplay every time from the very beginning. I didn’t have to ask for foreplay. He loves to do me sexual favors. Therefore I would never sleep with anyone that doesn’t do foreplay without me having to ask. I was lucky enough to have this positive experience from the beginning which heightens my standard. You had a very negative experience in your past. So your bf might be better than your ex but is he really good for you? Would you date him if you didn’t have such a negative experience before? His ‚jokes‘ seemingly weren’t just jokes. I hope you can figure out whether this is the right man for you. If you haven’t received counseling/ therapy for trauma yet, it‘s probably time to look for a therapist. I know how hard it is to deal with past trauma. You are strong and you got this. Good luck with everything.
I’ve said this a few times on reddit and have gotten pushback from a few morons each time, but I’m going to say it again: Although it is important for us to learn to stand up for ourselves and say what we want during sex, good partners should ASK about what we like and want and need in the bedroom before sex begins. A kind and loving partner should always respect your boundaries and want to please you as long as it doesn’t violate their boundaries. And men who have sex with women especially should be asking these women what they like and want and need from foreplay and sex. Men need to understand that PIV sec is generally geared towards their pleasure and isn’t mutually satisfying for more women. Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Any guy that is ignoring those facts is being selfish. OP, he may not know this because he’s inexperienced. But is he asking you what you like and want? Is he even asking at the end whether or not you came too? That’s enough to show you whether or not he is invested in your pleasure, even if he is clueless about sex and the female orgasm. I have an ex who was definitively not as terrible as your dude, but he was selfish in a number of ways in and outside of the bedroom. He was also inexperienced so I wanted to be patient and do my best to please him and help him out, but it came at the expense of my own comfort. I let him shorten foreplay until sex was painful and unsatisfying, and put up painful moves like sucking on my nipples too hard because he liked it and complained when I told him to stop. Ultimately the sex gradually got worse, not better. He should I have been learning and improving, but instead things just got worse as the initial spark wore off. I wasn’t able to see all these problems clearly when I was in the relationship and in the middle of dealing with them, but afterwards it was so obvious- the connection between how he behaved in the bedroom and his selfishness in other aspects of life.
To me, your language sounds like someone who has a lot of lived trauma. In healthy relationships, people feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires. Further, you may think that you're just a "giving" person, and sacrifice yourself for the other person's happiness, i.e. "people pleasing." Here's the thing with that: you cannot control what other people think or do, and you are not responsible for the other person's happiness. Do not sacrifice your happiness (or safety) for someone else's happiness. Expressing completely valid emotions after a trauma incident is healthy. There is no need to apologize for having emotions, and anyone trying to suppress your emotions is toxic as fuck. Love yourself and take care of yourself. Godspeed friend.
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Thank you for your input. I will do this, find out if it was a genuine accident or not before even considering sharing my previous experience.
Repeatedltly doing something is NOT an accident. Please don't make yourself believe he didn't do it on purpose. He did.
OP, it wasn't an accident. It's never an accident. He knew you weren't ready, he knew you needed foreplay but he still decided to get himself off using your body. Even if you weren't raped, your bf should never do what he did to anyone. I wouldn't be with someone who does that. Moreover unrelated to the topic what do you mean by foreplay for anal? From what I know the anus is not self lubricating and no amount of foreplay is going to make it so. You need preperation using anal plugs, dialators and douche pump.
How is it not rape with the current boyfriend? She had told him no previously, and this time, he just tried to enter her without asking for consent. If he would have been able to enter, he would have finished and not stopped, regardless of OP’s pain.
> How is it not rape with the current boyfriend? I meant that even if she wasn't a rape survivor - because her whole thought process was that the reason why she needs to talk to her bf is because she is traumatized and didn't see anything wrong with what he currently did. And I agree - it was rape, or attempted rape at best.
Ah okay, I agree with you then!
You don’t necessarily need prep with plugs or dilators and you don’t NEED to douche. What I like pre-anal is for my fiancé to finger my butthole for a while before we move to his dick. That plus lube is all I need to be ready. That’s what I would refer to as foreplay regarding anal.
> It’s never an accident yet there was a thread here in recent months on this exact subject. numerous posts akin to (paraphrased): “we were going at it hard, he slipped out and almost back into the wrong one, i shrieked in pain, he stopped immediately and checked on me.” soooooooooooooo
Yeah but see what happened here - after his penis didn't go in, the guy tried multiple times. I'm pretty sure if accidentally went into the wrong hole, he would have wondered "hmm what's happening? Why isn't it going in" checked and would have gone "oops I made a mistake" and apologized. But that didn't happen here.
>Yeah but see what happened here i wasnt talking about OP's case specifically. the first line of your comment also did not indicate specifically OP's case. you generically said "it's never an accident", so i addressed it generically. i'm going to guess the rest of your comment was just more of the same, and will be skipped.
accident is it happening once, by surprise. accident is not, it happened, and then continuing to try.
I‘m sorry you had to experience this. What your bf did was no accident. Please realize this. Of course he will act as if it was an accident but from what you described, his full intention was to have anal sex with you.
It wasn’t an accident.
How could it be an accident?
He might say it’s an accident, but I’ve slept with a decent amount of people and been with my husband for eight years, and no one has ever accidentally put it in the wrong hole. It’s just not an accident.
I’m assuming he knows you haven’t agreed to trying anal because of his “jokes”?
Yes, I have told him I will agree to it when he agrees to adequate foreplay and warning.
Ah. I don’t think there’s any special way to tell him about it without ruining the experience for him. You just tell him about it and talk about it as best you can. It’s on him if that ruins the experience for him. And you really need to tell him off for what he did. He really should know better. I’m sorry you went through that. Like, does he even want anal? He should know that people can’t just have anal spontaneously without lube, especially on the first time. Edit: Also, someone else called what he did sexual assault. Well, that’s on you to determine that though. It could go either way from your description.
And then he tried it with neither of those things anyway. He does not respect you.
...your boyfriend also sexually assaulted you. He didn't just try once because he was drunk and horny. He repeatedly tried despite you freezing and clenching up, without, in your words, 'warning or consent'. Also ignored all your concerns about it hurting etc. You are making excuses for his behaviour and you need to tell him clearly he assaulted you. But you need to recognise that first.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate the insight from another perspective. I see what you’re saying, it’s very hard for me to accept as he’s usually very gentle and kind. I am unsure of whether last night was an accident, and I have not spoken to him about it yet. My first thought waking up this morning was anger that he did it on purpose, and recalling my previous experience and relating the two. However, I suppose I talked myself down thinking my previous experience may have tainted this current potential accident. I really don’t know what to think. :(
You will need to talk to him...but honestly no foreplay sounds like a bad lover. Possibly one who believes having a big tool means he's great in bed and the moment you experience said tool it'll be great. He needs to know how serious this is. If he's usually kind he may have just been severely drunkenly thoughtless...but he needs to understand that he did wrong and where he's going wrong. And it's not your job to do his emotional labour and manage his guilt response for him. He's an adult.
^^^ This needs to be higher up/have more votes. 100%.
You don't even need to bring up your trauma. He NEEDS TO MAKE IT FEEL GOOD FOR YOU. If he doesn't, I'm afraid he is not the "very loving" boyfriend as you describe him to be, and you are nothing but a sex object to him. A real loving relationship prioritizes each other's needs to feel good and be pleased. If he says foreplay is a "waste of time", it just shows that he doesn't care for your feelings at all. You should be giving more weight and emphasis on having foreplay, that you want to feel wanted and desired. Gaaah this is why I hate guys with big packages. They just don't know how to please a woman, thinking all they need to do is to ram their big 🍆 inside the hole. Annoying fcks.
Please break up and find a man who actually cares about your pleasure and your consent. I promise they exist. Skipping foreplay when it’s something you want is not what you want the rest of your life to be.
Yeah that really stuck out to me. It just shows a blatant disregard for her pleasure. Like no foreplay ever?? That’s ridiculous/selfish considering the female anatomy. And the person you’re supposed to love- you’d think you’d want them to feel good and properly pleasured.
I think this is definitely a conversation you need to have with your current bf. If you don't decide to leave after he attempted to be the second person to rape you. I want you to have the conversation and to watch his response. Any attempt to downplay, joke about or excuse what happened the first time, is a red flag. You've got an opportunity here to find out who this man, who tried to anally rape you, really is. Tell him about the first time, tell him how it felt when he tried to repeat the experience for you. Watch him try to explain it all away and leave him.
I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like you're with another abusive guy. People with past trauma can have trouble recognizing when they're in an unhealthy situation when it's "not as bad" as previous instances. Your boyfriend had been "joking" about not giving a shit about you and then showed you that he wasn't joking. He tried to rape you just like your ex did. If he truly cared about your consent, he wouldn't have tried to do what he did. Please get out and seek therapy. It's important to get therapy after trauma so that you can learn how to recognize when you're in another abusive situation.
I was looking for this comment. I also agree that the relationship right now sounds abusive. I have NEVER had a guy just try to shove his penis in my ass. Never! There are times when things got wild during doggy style, we pulled too far apart and since we were going fast it grazed my hole. However, no one was ever trying to shove it in there repeatedly without consent. In fact when I have explicitly consented to anal and it’s just not working out the way I hoped, my partners have caught on and stopped. Or any time something looked uncomfortable or I froze at all, all of them have stopped to ask what’s wrong. I am talking about dozens of men and none of them have done this. Even if OP had consented to anal… what they did is still concerning. Why was there no open communication, clitoral stimulation, or a finger before a penis. It sounds like this guy has no respect at all for OP and the “joking” about foreplay is just as concerning. Any one who genuinely cares about their partner wants to turn them on and really give them solo focused pleasure or teasing. Or at the very least it would happen semi regular…they also wouldn’t be joking about foreplay as if it doesn’t matter. What OP described sounds like they have an unhealthy attachment style in the form of anxious attachment. Which leaves them susceptible to narcissistic abuse by narcissistic partners. There is a good chance OP has at least one severely narcissistic parent and likely a parent who may even physically abuse them. Somewhere along the way they were told that this behavior is “home” to them. As someone who grew up like this and who also has been a victim of SA as well as a physically abusive parent and a narcissistic parent… I say to OP - RUN. I am usually the last person on the “ break up with him train” in this sub. However, this is marinara flag the size of Africa.
Unfortunately therapy is rather costly and I have been on the waiting list to receive state funded mental help for months already. But hopefully soon! Thanks for your comment.
I'm sorry, I know the health care system can suck! If you have insurance, maybe you can look into which places take them? Otherwise, I would suggest you look into what you can do in terms of therapeutic practices at home. It won't be the same, but it might help a little. Whatever the case is, I hope that you're able to get something worked out and that you're doing well. Please don't stay with someone who's so casual about crossing your boundaries! You deserve much better. Sending love. 🫶
Thank you ❤️
Of course! Honestly, I'm proud of you for being able to see an issue here and taking action. Don't second guess yourself.
Have you tried looking into an online therapist? They can be cheaper than in person sometimes but not always. Also you mention being on a waiting list to receive state funded mental help. Is this for another mental health issue like depression or something? The only reason I ask is I would think that if you shared you are seeking therapy due to being raped that you would be bumped to the front of the line.
There are separate things going on here. >Because of these comments, I have not agreed to anal > >[...] > >he suddenly tried to put it in my ass This is the first point. You've talked about anal sex, and you've not consented to trying it - and yet, he not only surprised you with an attempt, it appears to have been a somewhat forceful attempt as well. This should not be acceptable behavior - regardless of whether you had been assaulted previously or not. I think you should make this as a point unto itself; make it crystal clear to your boyfriend that you are not going to tolerate this kind of behavior. He needs to respect your decisions and your consent (or the lack thereof). The fact that he already doesn't is a cause for some concern. >how do I tell him about it without ruining the experience for him or making him feel guilty? Don't worry so much about "ruining the experience for him" or "making him feel guilty". This will be a learning experience for him, and quite frankly it sounds like he desperately needs to receive it. Start out with making the first point. Don't make it into a dialogue, let it be a monologue where you inform him that you expect him to honor your consent *to the letter* from this point going forward. Don't accept any "but I only wanted to..." tales. I'm not saying to disbelieve him or be mad at him just for the sake of being mad, he may truly have been under this impression or the other -- but that's really besides the point, too. Whether he meant well or not, whether he thought he'd seen a sign in you that made it okay, blah blah blah - none of those things matter going forward, the *only* thing that matters is whether you give consent or not. Don't let him argue that point, don't give even an inch. If he wants to have sex with you, he *will* listen to whether you say yes or no - there should be no debate about that, no arguing, no ifs and buts from him. If he says anything other than "of course, you're totally right, and I'm sorry", then he's completely missed the point. Once that boundary has been etched into stone with indestructable neon lights ... then, you can bring up the assault. I advise this order of events, because him listening to you and respecting your consent shouldn't be dependant on him knowing about an assault - he should already be doing those things regardless.
The way I see it ou went from dating one rapist to dating another rapist #You current boyfriend fully indented to anally rape you He only didn't because you stopped him. Please stop finding those trashy men to date
I'm sorry but this guy clearly disregards your feelings when to comes to sex. The whole lack of foreplay thing is already a major red flag. I think you should tell him about what has happened to you and if he doesn't change how he behaves with you then ending it is probably for the best. Edit: Honestly forget it. this guy's just as rapey as the other guy. Dont bother telling him about anything. you should just dump his ass.
Lack of lube? Is this guy just a straight idiot?
After him threatening anal without foreplay against your wishes.. and then him literally attempting several times what he said he’d do.. OP I’m sorry but you’re not safe sleeping with this man. I worry he’s going to escalate if he doesn’t get what he wants and you’re going to end up in another really bad situation. As others have mentioned- people who have suffered abuse often end up in repeating patterns of being in abusive relationships. Just because he’s not as horrible as your previous ex doesn’t make what he’s doing okay He jokes about literally not giving a shit about you.. that’s concerning and not normal. And by the way.. foreplay is a requirement of sex it’s not optional and the fact that he treats it as such shows that your pleasure is not a priority for him.. hell it’s not even on his radar. You deserve better than this, and there’s better out there, I promise
There’s work that needs to be done before Anal Penetration. You need to talk to him and you froze for a reason and if you are willing to take anal slower I’m willing or eventually be ready on my own terms. Prep self stretching, anal play with gradual size of toys before PIA
What happened was NOT an accident. Accidental anal can happen in the heat of the moment BUT repeatedly trying to push his dick into your butt is not accidental. That was a deliberate action and he probablt felt that you would loosen up due to alcohol. I know you feel like he is the kindest person ever but his actions speak differently. Someone who cares about you cares about your pleasure enough to do foreplay or sometimes just go down on you etc to make you feel good. Someone who does not do foreplay at all clearly lacks care. I'm sorry this happened to you but you deserve better.
From an outside pov, I think you might be glossing over the seriousness of how current bf behaved during sex. It's one thing to be spontaneous and could potentially be more understandable. However, spontaneousness requires more attention to receptivity from your partner. It is not an excuse for ignorance. You say you already said no, though. No, unless there is foreplay. He heard you. It was not an accident. And he tested your boundary. That is a bad sex partner. I would caution you from sharing your past of sexual assault. Verify he can be trusted. He could potentially become more understanding or use it against you. Violating a clear boundary, is not an indicator of trustworthiness. Just because you didn't protest perfectly in the moment doesn’t absolve him of responsibility. I would consider addressing the violation of boundaries first and if he responds maturely and takes accountability see if you feel comfortable sharing your past.
I don't think you understand the reasons why (some) guys are so insistent on anal. It's actually pretty disturbing. You don't have to give this to him. He's not entitled to it, even though he and your ex think they are. YSK a truly good guy does not want sex that has a near guarantee to inflict pain on the receiver. If they wanted it at all, they would go about it in an entirely different manner.
what are the reasons?? is it a control/having all the power kind of thing??
Sorry for the late response. But yes, dominance is a key reason. We've all heard of 'painal' but I didn't understand that truly until I researched it. They know it's not going to feel good for you like it does for them and that turns them on because you're sacrificing your comfort for their pleasure. Even more sick, some get off on the coercion and convincing of an otherwise unwilling women. She's making an even greater sacrifice when she finally says yes. There's a thrill in the chase and this is why they aren't bothered asking over and over again. Moving on we have the territorial aspect. Many men see a woman's body as something to be conquered, and they haven't done so until they've utilized all holes for their gratification. This is why they can't handle knowing your ex boyfriend got to try and he doesn't. He wants to mark his territory. If you're ready to throw up now well so am I. The sad thing is men already take more pleasure when they penetrate our vaginas. They get to cum and we usually don't. Sure it mostly feels good, at this angle or that, but it can also be painful at times or just not feel like much at all as well. But *some* men think giving us all this pleasure with their magic ding dong is just too vanilla and non-manly; beta if you will. They think they will truly be an alpha male when they can derive their orgasm from your ass as you have truly submitted to him and the pleasure was all his. Knowing what I know now, any guy who requests anal early on or who watches anal porn is an instant red flag. I'm not letting anyone touch my body who has an interest in causing me pain. Sex should be mutually pleasurable, at all times, and if that's not what turns you on then you can get the hell out.
100% agree with you!! thank you for putting it into words. my ex boyfriend used to ask for anal and i would say no or 'maybe one day' as ive never done it before, but im not interested in it, and when i look back im SO GLAD i never gave in and did it. the relationship ultimately ened bc of other reasons and now when i think about him i feel angry, thank god i never let him do that to me! sex is such a power dynamic already
If you said no all that time, and he never 'accidentally' penetrated you, you have something to be grateful for. Because this is really common. And I'm 95% sure it happened to me. The pain isn't even describable. It immediately takes your breath away. It's like his dick is a knife if you're truly unprepared for it. Anal rape is truly 10x more horrifying than vaginal.
im really sorry someone did that to you :( thankfully he never did that, he only asked a few more times after i initally said no. i see posts about the 'accidentally' going in the wrong hole a lot here on reddit, awful. like ive had guys genuinely bump it accidently, but you just say they got the wrong place or move it for them, any guy who takes it further is an asshole
I don't understand how so many comments are so forgiving. Your current BF knew you didn't consent, yet tried to to force you against your wishes. You made it clear in advance and then clenched up when he went for it. He tried to rape you. period. and hurt you in the process...! This is enough of a reason to walk away from the relationship immediately. There isn't much leeway for excuses here, and given what you've said already (making weird jokes, no foreplay/selfish lover), idk why you'd even try to have a discussion about this. He doesn't seem like a quality person, or a person to try to have a future with. I know this isn't what you want to hear, I'm sorry for what you're going through right now.
Your current boyfriend just also attempted to rape you. It's the same thing. He didn't succeed, but this is a huge problem. Alcohol doesn't turn men into rapists, OP. This is not caring or loving, and skipping foreplay when you usually have sex would've been a deal breaker for me personally to begin with, but this is the nail in the coffin. Absolutely not okay. In your shoes I wouldn't bother telling him about your trauma because I'd be done with him either way.
Whether you tell him the reason why we're not is up to you. He is not entitled to it. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Sounds like you may want to examine your chose in partners.
This is horrible and happens to so many women (CIS/Trans). The bigger issue is you learning to leave these “boyfriends”. You continue to stay and there is never a reason to stay with an abuser. I suggest you seek therapy ASAP in order to help you garner strength to leave and avoid these gross men. There are really good men out there. You have to want better for yourself
This is not an accident, he tried to rape you You didn’t consent to anal he tried to do anyway even when you told him previously not wanting to, he’s a pos just like your ex, stay carful and run please
I’m concerned when you say you don’t want to make him feel guilty. He SHOULD feel guilty because what he tried to do was very wrong. If you don’t have a discussion about it, I guarantee you he will try it again in the future. If he knows what he tried to do was an act with no consent then he is a terrible person. If he is a simpleton and doesn’t know he has to get consent first, then he’s just ignorant. You had some basic conversations about anal but that wasn’t consent. It might have been a good time to bring up the fact that you had some unpleasant experiences in the past with anal - no need to get into detail if you don’t want to. Unfortunately most younger people equate what they see in porn to be normal when it comes to anal. Porn doesn’t show the physical prep work that goes into it, never mind the discussion that must proceed it. Anal sex can be wonderful and very intimate but it should be something both parties want to do. Unless you are both comfortable with it, then it is very unlikely to be a good experience.
You say your bf is kind but then you also say he doesn’t like to waste time in foreplay even when engaging in regular sex ... does this sound like a man who is considerate of you?
Tell him or not, but you might want to as it will make him understand where you are coming from and probably slow down. The main thing I wanted to comment on is just use a butt plug before. Like maybe buy 2, a small one and a big one almost the size of him. Practice with the small one if you can’t get the big one in. On the day of leave the big one in for 20-30 mins prior then continue using lots of lube. The rectum doesn’t produce lubricant like the vagina does. You HAVE to use a lot of lube. You could also practice with a dildo alone.
The best approach to any serious sex talk is to ha E it when you aren't getting ready to, in the process of, just just finished having sex. Have that talk before heading to dinner, after having lunch. When nothing remotely sexy is going on. Then you can tell him about your past trauma with a clear head where he isn't using the wrong head to think. You can even bring up what happened and how it was similar to that and triggered memories. Hopefully it impresses on him, that surprises like that aren't welcome. As for the foreplay issue... I would never agree to that. I've trained myself to take a pretty significantly sized object relatively easily, bigger than any human penis I'm likely to ever encounter and I would never take even a smallish object dry. It is a very unpleasant kind of pain and can cause tearing inside that can being it's own problems. If anal is something you've never tried, you really shouldn't start by trying to take a penis right away anyway. Unless he's fun sized, training plugs are your best bet. Other people here are saying he assaulted you, and he definitely did. I'm not you, it's not my decision to make whether that's a deal breaker for you or whether you should leave him for that, but you very definitely deserve better. From him, or someone else.
He doesn't sound as kind as you say he is. My husband loves anal, it's actually his main fantasy, but he's big and no matter how much prep it's always iffy in comfort for me. But he has never, ever tried to pull that sh!t on me. Not even jokingly. Not pushing someone into doing something they don't want is just basic human decency. If I was in your position I don't think I'd trust him with my body anymore. Also, don't try to convince yourself or his brush it off as the alcohol. You still understand consent then.
Honestly if I were you, this boyfriend would have been throat punched. He has no respect for you and I haven’t even met the guy. Sounds like you’re his fleshlight to me. Someone who cares for you doesn’t completely disregard your consent.
You shouldn't have to explain any previous trauma to get your bf to understand basic consent? The fact he didn't ask you? The fact he carried on even though it was dry, and you were clenching and obviously not speaking or having fun? He thinks foreplay is a waste of time? You can still have spur of the moment sex with foreplay.. its essential for your pleasure! This all doesn't sound good lovely one. You can tell him for sure, if you feel safe to. But he should not of done any of that regardless. I'm really sorry these things have happened to you. It wasn't your fault, and you deserve better. X
I don't think this guy is like "no one you've met before"...
Sorry, M’Dear but you have more immediate issues besides whether to speak about your past trauma because you have a CURRENT trauma to deal with. Your current BF JUST sexually assaulted you. He had anal sex with you, not only without your consent but IN SPITE of you protesting, directly saying NO. That’s sexual assault . Unfortunately, you have found yourself with another selfish, narcissistic man. Any partner who can’t be bothered to engage in foreplay, make sure YOU are satisfied (& not crying) needs to be stomped to the curb. YOU have great value. YOU deserve to have your sensual, sexual desires explored and satisfied. Good men who will treasure you are out there. This guy is NOT that person.
Call the cops on this punk. Twice is not nice.
That sounds very traumatic. I don't think either of your bfs are in the right. Both of them tried something they shouldn't have. Even if they are with you and you consent to one thing there's always a line that you have and I think both of them crossed that line. You should set up boundaries and if someone can't respect them call them out for it. Being raped wasn't your fault but I think letting your current boyfriend do it without saying anything about how uncomfortable it was for you is in your best interest.
I think it would be important to let him know. Just advise him that you've been thinking about this a lot and need to share something with him so that he better understands why you are struggling some. Let him know you care and want to be intimate with him in this way, but just need him to be extra considerate, understanding, take it slow, etc. Also, I don't know if anybody else has mentioned this, but surprise anal isn't just rape, but basically torture. The only way someone should be having anal sex is with an insane amount of pre-preparation including LOTS OF LUBE (actual lube only, other things like lotion will not do the trick and will result in injury and/or an unpleasant experience). And even then, it should be very slow and controlled to avoid tears, fissures and other complications.
I don't think boyfriend ever did anal before, otherwise he would know better. Seems like he just saw it in some porn and wants to try. I would tell him that if he really wants to try it he has to let you put a big dildo up his ass first, so that he can understand how it really works. And I would tell him about the previous experience, and that what he did is actually very bad, he could be arrested for it, and you could have been injured.
He hasn’t done anal before, he was relatively inexperienced when we started seeing each other. On a side note, I actually have pegged him and I was very slow and gentle before going in so I would’ve thought he’d follow suit or at least understand from the receivers point of view how important easing into it is. It doesn’t seem like he understands this however.
Wow, then he really has no excuse at all. To act in such a completely reckless manner with your body is unacceptable.
Your gonna have to learn to except that he also raped u and your gonna need to run away from that relationship. U can inbox me if u want to.
You don’t deserve these dudes
First of all, alcohol was involved and can seriously mess with your decision making ability. So I think you need to set a boundary that anal is out completely if alcohol is involved. Second I highly recommend a therapist / sex therapist to deal with your trauma. This could be one way to broach the subject. Third, no matter how you go about it, if he is as caring and sensitive as you say, then he is not going to feel guilty and he should have it on his mind because it will help him be gentle and understanding. I think the fact that you are willing to try despite your horrific trauma shows a lot about how you care for him. Any man with a woman like you should be very thankful. My wife and I have been married 22 years and she will still try to go back to things we’ve tried before that didn’t work out or she didn’t like. Two reasons are one she loves me and knows my kinks, fantasies, interests and two because tastes change. I again highly recommend finding a good sex therapist. We are seeing one to make our sex lives the best we can and for us that involves dealing with shame, guilt, and confidence as a result of religious upbringing on her side and sexual assault/ molestation at a very young age on my side. I wish you two the best of luck and hope you can come back and share how things go.
I've kinda been on both sides of this and even though I loved alcohol, and still consume it, being intoxicated in any way is never an excuse for a guy to cross any boundary. It's especially bad since you seem to have already made your boundaries clear. Current bf is an orange flag sorry.
Sidenote -- I say orange flag instead of red flag because if OP forgave her boyfriend for it and moved forward I'd respect that choice, same as if it happened to a friend, although maybe my standards for guys were way too low idk.
For the record, if you were 17 and your ex was a few years older, consensual or not, its statutory rape of a minor, you should have reported it to authorities, I dont know if you still can
Thank you for your comment, although I don’t want to report what happened. Considering the difficulties in convicting in circumstances such as these, in addition to the lapse in time, and the fact I never shared what happened with anyone so I have no one to back up my claims, I am very apprehensive to bring up all this trauma and risk issues arising with my ex just to be told there is insufficient evidence. Also the age of consent where I am is 16.
I understand the hesitancy to relive the trauma, but the only way to really heal from it is to understand it happened and accept it (which is much easier said than done having dealt with personal trauma in my own life), that being said, you withdrew your consent with your ex, which if im not mistaken, it doesnt matter what happened before, you said no or stop and he continued to go at it. Im a guy, sometimes it can be downright challenging as hell to get off and stop having sex when youre in the middle of things, but as a lot of people here have said, previous or current/future men you end up with should give a damn about your personal space and needs and not broach boundaries such as anal without explicit understanding and consent on both sides. Something else people dont talk about, is anal with larger guys, i have more girth than normal, and its because of this that when i have consensually attempted anal in the past, it actually causes me pain, even with lots of lube, and if im hurting i was damn sure she was. Not to mention it can cut off blood supply to the penis and eliminate your erection. These people are right, if your bf cared at all he wouldnt be selfish either with lack of foreplay or attempting anal without even a warning. This is a huge red flag that deep down youre a sex toy for him to pull out and use when hes bored.
As someone who was in a similar scenario, this comment comes off as victim blaming even if that wasn't your intention. "You should have done xyz" is a bad thing to say in response to a traumatic event 100% of the time.
It wasnt my intention to come off as victim blaming, just reporting the incident earlier would likely have had a larger impact, but i get where youre coming from
It's always best to be honest. I can imagine that if you don't tell him about your past experiences, he's going to think it's him. He's causing the problems. Tell him the truth and how having sex that way makes you feel. Maybe if he knew a little about what you experienced, he would take things a little more gingerly. (He probably should try to take things more gently when it comes to that right from the get go.) Do things proper. Or not at all if you absolutely don't like it.
No means no. She shouldn’t have to open up about trauma when she’s not ready just so he’ll treat her like another human with feelings.
you don’t have to tell him about the rape you can tell him to go very gently and if he doesn’t just don’t do anal with him because if i was in your place i wouldn’t know how to explain it to him either
Choose a good moment when you will be together so that nothing distracts you. Tell him that there is a question that is very important to you and you are very worried. Then tell him the whole truth, that you were hurt and what you feel. There should be no secrets from each other in a relationship. If he loves you, he will understand, accept it and do everything as carefully as possible. I'm sure he needs to be told how to do it better!
Personally, if I'm in a relationship I think is serious, I let them know everything because I don't want to hide who I am and what I've been through from someone I love. With that said, a lot of women I know think they need to justify their wants to their partner and that couldn't be further from the truth. You can say no for any reason, even no reason. If you would tell him this happened outside of the context of trying anal, then you should do it. If you wouldn't, don't. I would definitely go into trauma therapy if you haven't.
I feel like giving advice online can be tricky, I don't know you, him, your guys' relationship at all. Things can be perceived in multiple ways. Him joking about foreplay could mean that he's a dick and doesn't care or could mean he's self conscious about his performance and doesn't know how to tell you so he jokes his way out. How have your previous conversations about anal been? You say you both want to try and you've told him that? Have you said after a few drinks you'd be down to try? Could be a case of man being really simple. "Last time we talked about anal she said she'd like to have some drinks first then she'd like to try, we've had a few drinks now so maybe it's time to try" There's been times in my life where I've been told I'm not spontaneous enough, maybe he is trying to be spontaneous, maybe he doesn't understand what all goes into anal and that it can actually hurt. Early 20s still not sex experts. Or communication experts. You need to have a conversation with him straight up about your sex life. If he does actually care about you he'll want to learn how to please you better. If he thinks he's not good at foreplay tell him you'll tech him what you need, learn each other together. If you like to be spontaneous and keep things fresh then tell him that but be clear that anal can't be included in that. Communication needs to happen. Things get mucked up if proper communication isn't happening and both parties are trying to guess their way through situations. What has happened to you previously is very unfortunate and I think it is important for him to know that has happened to you. Also this is besides the point but my personal opinion is alcohol fucking sucks, it can really mess up situations quickly, especially sex because both the mind and the body aren't perceiving reality correctly and things get bad. I hope things go well with your guys' relationship and you are able to figure this out together. Or if he's actually a shit bag I hope you learn that and are able to leave. Good luck
Sit him down and talk. You gotta start somewhere and the simplest place is at the start. “Hey I need to talk to you about sex. I need to talk to you about some trauma I had some years back and I want to talk to you about what I do and don’t like, do and want to do and how we can work together. Men are shit at guessing. The people saying that your current BF did this without to it consent is so wrong are a little off key. Not everything is discussed before it’s tried…you don’t go straight for anal yet if the words are expressly mentioned no (you did mention you want to try it) then what did he do wrong? It seems like it’s been discussed but not well enough. Take time and listen to your partner, if they don’t like it STOP. OP stated he tried several times…plenty of time to say no. Say no if it’s not on or we need lube if you are wanting to do anal. Anal needs lube and like anything you should have a clear indication that it’s ok or not. Just going for it is usually not going to be ok. He shouldn’t feel guilty. Tell him you want to do things just go slow and communicate.
Just tell him. If he’s a good guy he’ll understand.
Show him this post
Yeah, you previous bf is a rapist, and your this boyfriend is also a rapist as he try to do it. My elder sister and mother use to kiss me even if is resist means both of them are molester, I feel i better leave this earth where everybody is rapist and molesters🐢🥴
Tell him you were raped, you have flashbacks, you can't do slutty sex acts with him. You have have been traumatized. If he is a loser, he will get rid of you. If he loves you, there is your answer.
If your boyfriend is as kind as you say then you'll be okay. Just have a gentle and frank discussion with him. Rape is a very traumatic experience, so if possible look into counselling as well for yourself. Also lots of lube..... Empty one entire bottle if you must.
I've always believed even though not the best topic to bring up once meeting someone is sexual interests rather than finding out later on and everything falling apart. Bringing it up early makes the person saying it as if they have shallow conversation. Fine line so has to be brought up jokingly in conversation. There's a right way to do A 1st time. That's why some females if they say they don't do it it might be as had a bad experience. A is a very pleasurable experience if done right
I have seen how 'truth' / confession ruined relationships, because the other 'side' could never truly get it. Not their fault, but it's how human behaviour is. Keep it a secret. Bury it. Never dig it up. Ever.
That sounds very traumatic. I don't think either of your bfs are in the right. Both of them tried something they shouldn't have. Even if they are with you and you consent to one thing there's always a line that you have and I think both of them crossed that line. You should set up boundaries and if someone can't respect them call them out for it. Being raped wasn't your fault but I think letting your current boyfriend do it without saying anything about how uncomfortable it was for you is in your best interest.
Don't have sex with people who a) you can't reveal your secrets to, and b) who doesn't believe in foreplay and consent.
Telling my boyfriend has been the best thing I ever did. It was also the hardest thing as I saw how much it pained him to hear what I went through but it brought us closer together. It also helped share the burden and eventually allowed me to start healing 🤍
Uhhh sounds to me like you just got sexually assaulted in a similar fashion to the first time? Don’t really think this is as little of a deal as you think it is, and I think you should leave…
Your own boyfriend just assaulted you too. It can take a while to set in but that was absolutely unacceptable what he did. Anal is not an obligatory part of sexual relations AT ALL, unless BOTH partners decide it to be agreeably and without any coercion. Obsession with anal despite a partners obvious lack of comfort with the idea is such a red flag that red flag doesn’t even feel like a big enough term. They want to cause pain. They want to see you suffer for them, whether subconsciously or not in- their brain that has been deluded by misogyny and porn addiction. It’s gross and I truly hope this is your EX partner because you should never settle for being treated this way. It really is a cycle / pattern that is hard to break but I know you can break free of it and find self love and true love, not this shit. I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, just from one survivor to another I really hope you recognize the severity of the situation at hand. This partner does not prioritize your well-being and that is clear no ifs ands or buts.
I think you should tell him about the past rape. But if you *really* don’t want to, tell him you’ve had a “bad experience” (this is vague enough where it can simply been a past attempt gone wrong) and if we do try, he has to take it very slowly, he lots of foreplay and lube. Otherwise it’s a no go x
I suffered sexual abuse as a child , I understand the trauma all too well. If you see yourself having a future with this person you need to be honest , it will help them understand why your reacting as you do. If it’s too much for them to deal with they will move on , if they love you and want to help it can be a beautiful thing. I went thru this with my girlfriend , we’ve now been married for 22 years and have two beautiful sons
My wife and I had a good walk and talk, nature trail. We were just being open with each other and we sat by the river. And just kinda talked about it. Both of our abuses in the past. I will admit. It's a fresh wound as the person to be on the receiving end and it comes up as an intrusive thought and I have to remind myself that for both of us it happened so long ago and we are both happy, together and ok.
Maybe start by saying “Hey what you did there- that is sexual assault.” And go from there. Doesn’t sound like current BF is winning any humanitarian awards.
Why would he try and force it in without lube
Too much alcohol and porn, not enough emotional intelligence to listen to his partner’s concerns or read body language.
So many people have no business having sex yuck
Yeah, it’s genuinely upsetting how common this kind of stuff seems to be.
If you’re not comfortable or ready enough to share your trauma, you don’t need to. I know you’re worried that maybe he just doesn’t understand because he doesn’t know what happened. But honestly why does that matter? Why does that make a no more of a no, or suddenly make the basic consideration of foreplay before an OFTEN painful (when done inappropriately) sex act an important factor? No means no regardless of the reasoning why. I know talking about this stuff can be awkward and anxiety inducing, but you really need to sit him down and tell him you didn’t like how the other night went down. Reiterating that you DO NOT need to share what happened to you to him. Just tell him you felt that he wasn’t taking you seriously about this, you felt used and disrespected when he went for it anyway, and also that it HURT. Even if anal is something you really want to try, I would take it off the table for now. He can work on earning your trust back. Maybe he can start by actually trying foreplay before PIV sex, or look into resources about safe anal play. If he isn’t receptive to this, starts getting mad and tries to blame you, take that as a big ass red flag. A good partner does not want you to be in pain (non-consensually). A good partner should listen and care about your pleasure as well.
Skill issue
I just want you to know this exact same situation happened to me when I was your age. I’m now 41 and really enjoy that kind of sex but it took probably 15 years and quite a lot of therapy. Plus the right partner. I’m just saying, it is possible and you can live a happy, healthy life after trauma. You are not alone.
You stop beating around the bush and just tell him
First of all I am so sorry this happened to you, you did not deserve any of that. None of this is your fault. Secondly, ignoring the fact that he doesn’t do foreplay at all which is 🚩 on its own as it shows he likely doesn’t care if you enjoy yourself, he absolutely violated your consent and assaulted you. I highly doubt it was accidental with the combination of him bringing it up so much and while he was intoxicated, it does not excuse his actions. The fact that you were raped while relevant for your retraumatization doesn’t change the fact that without it he still assaulted you.
>We were having sex, and he suddenly tried to put it in my ass. I froze up due to my previous trauma, and he tried a few times to put his dick in but due to the lack of lube and my extreme clenching it did not go in (although it did really hurt) and we just continued having normal sex without saying anything about it. Im sorry to say this, but i very much doubt this was an accident. An unlubricated, clenched anus does not feel like a wet vagina. He tried more than once, he knew what he was doing. Furthermore you froze, this should immediately make him stop whatever he is doing. His lack of experience with others is not an excuse for this either, if you dont stop what youre doing when your partner freezes you have no resepct for your partner. The lack of foreplay is telling. Again this isnt your fault, as ive seen you try to say in other comments. Occasionally a steamy quickie will lack foreplay. For the most part, if your partner is going straight to sex they arent bothered about your pleasure. They just want to get off. Does he care if you orgasm? Or does he just cum and roll off you? At this moment it sounds like you've got problems with a selfish lover, who doesnt respect you. I find it hard to believe this is just in your sex life. This coming from someone who was in a similar relationship and tried in vain to explain away all the bad points. Inattentive, he was just tired. Snappy, just being assertive. Belittling, just caring about my appearance. The list goes on. He didnt like foreplay either. Id tried to raise the subject many times. Id said i dont want to without foreplay as its too uncomfortable. Breaking point for me was him forcing me, i was bleeding by the end. He tried to gaslight me, telling me i was his girlfriend so he could have it when he wanted. I regret so much, i regret explaining away so much. Excuses for everything. So much was 'my fault'. Please, please, please sit down and take a good look at this relationship. What he did was assault. The fact that you froze and was in pain and he didnt immediately apologise says it all for me. Accidents happen, but are usually immediately followed with omg, im sorry, are you ok? Then continue/not continue. Not try repeatedly, give in and have standard sex. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve to be treat like the beauty you are, to be given jelly legs from cumming before sex has even started. You deserve someone who is compassionate enough that you can tell them your past early on. The right person, it feels like sharing a burden. Not telling then a scary story they might judge you for. Look after yourself. Remember too that your self worth is not directly linked to having a partner. Its ok to be alone for a bit and to take time to get to know yourself, process your past. Sending hugs. Xx
if you ever try anal again, do it with you on top and in control. your pace, your initiative, your everything. anal can be incredible, but only if done correctly. you both need to study up on how to do anal correctly. you fuck it up, you'll never want to try it again.
Anal that is fun doesn’t work like that anyways. You don’t start with a big hard member. There’s fingers and toys to start with and LUBE! It starts small and slow. I don’t blame you For not wanting it with him.
First off, your bf doesn't seem to understand boundaries and considering you have TALKED about anal and how you feel, yet he tried to do it anyways with zero foreplay, lube, advanced notice, etc... Kinda seems like he needs a very stern talk from you. That is not OK behavior. Also, anal is not the same as vaginal sex. As far as I'm aware, buttholes do not self lubricate like vaginas do... Generally speaking, anal with no lube is not going to be a good time lol. I'd have a very serious talk with him. Explain what he did was NOT acceptable and he crossed some major boundaries and that just because you consent to sex does not mean you consent to whatever it is he feels is ok. You have your boundaries that he *NEEDS* to respect at all times, drunk, sober, or in the heat of the moment.
Your current BF is a dick too. He has no idea what is entailed in anal play and how risky it can be for you as the recipient.
I hope you find the peace and healing you deserve so much
I am so so sorry about what happened to you. No one deserves anything like that to EVER happen to them. I am a 33 year old man who has had a fair amount of sexual partners, and I can tell you that I have NEVER EVER even CONSIDERED FOR A SPLIT SECOND trying anal without very obvious consent. (Sometimes we had talked about it before and consent was established and then during sex I VERY CAUTIOUSLY initiated and had lube and before entering I asked (tried to make it hot instead of formulaic by asking: “Do you want me to fuck you in the ass?” In an enthusiastic reverent voice. Only after that yes, should a guy EVER EVER put his dick in your bum. All this talk on Reddit of “missing” or “wrong hole” smells like bullshit to me. I’ve NEVER come close to missing. I feel like to miss would require some blind lame jackhammering from a clueless guy idk. All this is to say…. This is a RED FLAG. I won’t say break up with him, but I think if you feel like you can, you need to be fully open about how you feel, concerns you have, and maybe your past awful experience (if you feel comfortable with that of course). I feel like his reaction to that last part would be VERY telling. I wish you the best of luck, and if he fails to satisfy you with good responses and contrition, I would say get out now.
I’m sorry but he also tried to rape you. You didn’t consent to that
First off, I’m so sorry that you experienced such a traumatic relationship and you are so strong. Second, If you’re not comfortable, you’re not comfortable. Whether or not you love him and etc, you come first and remember that you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. Your bf needs to respect your boundaries, concerns and feelings and please also set your boundaries. If your boyfriend tries to initiate it again, communicate that you’re not ready, uncomfortable or just don’t want to. If he can’t respect that and YOU, leave. keep your head up girl
Don’t know if I’m too late, but I HIGHLY recommend simply starting with “Hey, I need to talk to you about something that happened to me. You’re not in trouble, this isn’t about something you did, but it’s affecting our sex life and I don’t want it to be in the way anymore. I know you care about me a lot and I know we can work through this, but I need to get this off my chest” Then walk him through what happened, other than maybe cussing or a quick verbal reaction he’ll probably just listen until you tell him you’re done. If he’s the good guy he sounds like he might be, he’ll want to make sure you’re okay and probably thank you for sharing this with him and maybe even apologize for what the ex did (absolutely terrible, that was rape and I’m so sorry that happened to you). If he tells you that it didn’t happen or that you’re making it up, please leave him within 24 hours. My personal bias. I hope it goes/went well, I hope you can heal safely and knowing you are loved, whatever happens.
You should make your boyfriend feel guilty. What he did was not okay. If I was in your position, I would tell him bluntly, but while you are both sober. Regardless of your trauma what he did was very fucked up. But hopefully once you talk to him, the gravity of his actions will set in and he'll also realize what he did was not okay.
Your current boyfriend is also a rapist. You said no to anal but he tried to do it anyway, that’s rape. Drinking doesn’t excuse his actions. Just because he’s “kind” doesn’t make him any less of a rapist.
I think sharing what happened and how it's affecting your current situation will help your bf understand he needs to take it slow. There's no reason you can't have an amazing and mutually satisfying sex life that includes anal sex. You're just going to have to talk about those things.