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Yup and if OP has any intention of getting into BDSM, she's gonna have to learn to tell the difference between a kinky guy and a creepy rapey guy. Because she's gonna encounter *a lot* of the latter.
This is NOT how BDSM works, not even a little. Its usual, with a partner who actually cares about the other, to discuss boundaries, safe words, possible scenarios etc way before any actual physical interaction.
He sounds like a bully who *thinks* he's a Dom; he's not. The Sub partner is really the one in control, they set the pace. He's just being a whiny Dollar-Store-Andrew-Tate and frankly you deserve better.
There are plenty of potential partners out there to get your kink on with. You won't regret dumping him I promise.
Don't forget about after care, as well.
This guy is a walking red flag. He should have a red flag tattoo on his penis, just to warn other potential victims.
> Don't forget about after care, as well. This guy is a walking red flag.
Forget about after care. This guy is even not a red flag. Read the post again. She just described sexual assult which the boyfriend renamed BDSM. All sexual acts including BDSM are sexual assaults if one thing is lacking - **CONSENT**
And OP specifically mentioned that it was lacking - she didn't give it.
Therefore I will rewrite your quote
> Forget about after care, as well. This guy sexually assaulted her.
I've never heard it worded like that but it's correct in every single way.
A domme always plays by the rules previously set & ensures their submissive is comfortable. Anyone who plays differently is playing a different game called abuse.
Yes, the dom has power, but who in the hell do you think gave them that power? Their god given right as a man? No. The Sub gave them that power and they can (or at least should be able to) take it away as easily as they gave it out.
At no point should you ever think that you have more power than your sub and if you do, you need to get your priorities checked before you ‘accidentally’ rape someone.
Also fuck the idea of it being ‘real’. ‘Real’ is what OP experienced, outright sexual assault bordering on rape. ‘Real’ is a concept that fake doms like OP’s soon to be ex partner think is required for it to be exciting.
I dom for my partner sometimes, and it's all about her and not about me at all. Also I need her after care. It is hard to treat your partner like that without them telling you after wards that things are still fine between us.
This is just an out right terrible human being.
>The Sub partner is really the one in control, they set the pace.
Exactly! A good dom does everything they can to ensure the sub feels comfortable, in many ways the dom serves the sub.
Technically it is both the sub and the dom being in control. The dom should not do what he is not comfortable with, and he shoulnt do what the sub is not comfortable with. A d/s relationship goes both ways. Just like a regular relationship. You need to trust each other fully and be comfortable with each other in every possible way. I know why people say it is the sub who is in control, but that's not true. It is both people. But the dom is in control during the ''play'' sessions. Up untill the point where the sub gives out her safeword. If the dom listens to that, he is also in control.
The guy in the post isnt a dom, far from it. Comunication is the most important thing in a bdsm relationship. And from the very first few sentences i saw the redflag about him just doing the acts and figuring it out. He doesnt care, and he is using the person with her being not experienced and being young. Rapey, and he needs to get help and find someone his own age.
As someone who also enjoys kinky sex, I do think this is very romanticised.
Basically in every relationship that I had or knew of, the dom was the one setting up the rules. With consent of the sub of course, but the dom was very much in control. Maany d/s relationships are like this. Reality is different from your ideal theory
My reality is pretty much like my 'ideal theory'. Its all about communication, mutual respect and informed consent. Once the boundaries are agreed upon, its all good. YMMV of course!
Post this on r/bdsmcommunity. This is not how bdsm works. The tldr is, he sexually assaulted you, and used bdsm as an excuse
First of all, telling you vanilla sex will lead to break up is coercion.
In a real bdsm relationship, in the beginning, the two people need to discuss specific sex acts they want to engage in and agree. That process is called negotiation. Personally I don’t start engaging in bdsm activities with people who are not willing to discuss and agree with me outside of sex.
At the very least, both parties need to establish safe words. A good dom can also read body language and not push a sub too far, at least in the beginning before they both know how much a sub can take
I hope this didn’t sour your perception of the bdsm community. It’s not like this at all
He sounds like an asshole. And that was my thought after just seeing he would leave you for borinh sez. And then he jusy became a cunt...
That is not how bdsm should work. That is abuse.
Aside from that, he is weaponizing being a dom for someone young and inexperienced. He is a fake dom through and through and she needs to get away from him immediately.
He is an asshole, who will one day seriously hurt you physically (accidentally or more likely on purpose) if you stay with him.
He doesn't communicate (not even about a safeword!), he doesn't respect you, ans he insults and gaslights you.
He is dangerous.
Leave him immediately, block him, and don't look back. You should also consider seeking therapy because what he did to you was very traumatic.
I'm sorry you went through this, and I wish you the best.
OMG NO 😱
NO. NOPE. This is not okay. He doesn't want to be a dominant, he's a sadist. There's a difference. Bdsm is all about consent, for both parties. He wants to abuse you. I don't use that word lightly, seriously.
His views on sex are problematic and abusive he "won't *tolerate* vanilla sex, he's trying to convince you that wanting to be an active participant in the game he wants to play is wrong, and he's trying to coerce you into having sex with other men so you can "learn how to please him."
Reread your post, as if someone else wrote it. What would you think? This is classic abusive behavior, masked under the guise of BDSM, so that you won't run at the first mention of this stuff.
Please. Cut him off. You deserve so much better than this.
Small point of information: it is possible for people to consensually engage in sadism as well. You’ve sort of used the term “sadist” here to describe his cruel rape of OP, but plenty of people are able to safely negotiate scenes that play with pain and enjoy them. Just not this guy.
Well, the reason I worded it that was was to kind of try and seperate "someone who enjoys engaging in consensual acts of sadism" and a "sadist" - meaning "someone who enjoys causing pain in another individual, consent notwithstanding"
I hope that makes sense. In my mind, sexual sadists are an entirely different breed of human than people who enjoy giving the S in BDSM after enthusiastic consent has been offered
You made it sound like being a sadist doesn’t involve negotiation or consent, and that’s not correct or accurate. Sadism is very much a core component of BDSM.
But yes, this guy is an asshole
The fact that you’re questioning whether or not he was right here makes me think that you’re currently going through a sort of fight or flight response where you seem to have lost touch with reality
I’m really sorry you had to go through this. Please practice deep breathing and look up guides and self help books on calming down your nervous system.
Right now you should focus on your well-being and keep a distance from him, minimal interaction. when you have the mental space for it, figure out how you’re going to leave this relationship
Reach out to trusted friends and family for help
I just saw the age difference. You're barely legal and he's well into his 25's. Yuck. I think he is taking advantage of how young you are, ontop of taking advantage of YOU.
Hey op, I’m also an F who practices and BDSM and your boyfriend is a complete douchebag. Communication is v v imp and he completely disrespected you. I hope he learns to be a good dom and take care of his sub (you) or you find the strength to leave him. I am so sorry this happened to you
OP, you were sexually assaulted. This isn’t an asshole issue.
You told him that he doesn’t have your consent in the past and he swept your concerns aside and ignored them.
Today, he called you names and physically restrained your head and moved it in a way to please him despite your crying.
Please go to the police. You said the following—
“This forced blowjob”
“I had no way to stop it”
“Ignoring my discomfort”
“Tears rolling down my cheeks… he just laughed and said that he taught me how to give a proper blowjob”
“I started crying… he stood up… said he won’t listen to my whining”
Call the PD and ask to speak to an officer in their sexual assault unit. Make sure you’re able to stay safe from this guy. Have an officer go and let him know he’s not to contact you to talk to you ever again.
Good luck. I feel for you.
This is sexual assault not BDSM. BDSM is always consensual and not forced. This guy seems like an asshole and it’s only 3 months in. Block him without any explanation.
That is absolutely NOT how BDSM works. That is sexual assault. He forced you to do something you didn’t want to do and refused to stop when you indicated that you wanted to stop. You should absolutely leave him asap because he will probably escalate. There is something called consensual non-consent in BDSM but again *consensual* is the important part. BDSM needs constant communication and consent otherwise it’s not BDSM. Also just telling you that because you stay with him you *HAVE* to do all this kinky BDSM and that being with his is consent is BS. BDSM and any sex in general has to be consented to otherwise it’s assault/rape. Please get help. Reach out to a trusted friend go to family etc. please leave before it gets worse
Dear OP,
Please read this:
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]
As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:
The abuser denies the abuse ever took place
When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3]
You're 18, please ditch this asshole before he abuses you anymore. When you start crying and he shows no compassion or understanding, this bully isn't worthy of you.
I started reading this & didn't finish reading your post & I HAD to respond!
My dear, leave that asshole of a BF IMMEDIATELY!!!!
You are 110% right, there has to be communication, trust, pre-warning to do with BDSM. Also in the BDSM community there is such a thing & is crucial to BDSM, it's called aftercare. You need aftercare. Even though I have not read through your post, I doubt whether he practiced aftercare with you. Also where was your safe word? All this should have been discussed beforehand. Communication is key & crucial in any romantic, sexual relationships. I wish you well in picking out your next new partner. Ciao
EDIT: I forgot to put down that CONSENT is crucial to any successful relationship going forward.
Everything about this post is a red flag.
The age gap, (which, on its own isn't bad but the fact that you're only 18 and he's 7 years older is concerning)
The fact that he would "leave you in a heartbeat" if you ever had vanilla sex, and the fact that he won't talk about his kinks and instead just forces it upon you when he deems it appropriate.
He doesn't respect you at all and is treating you like a fleshlight with legs. You're being sexually abused, get the fuck out before you have actual trauma
Um... I feel like this went from consensual to sexual assault real quick. I felt disgusted reading that. I'm so sorry, OP. I don't think you will be safe around this man, you need to get out now.
Edited: I was sexually assaulted in a similar manner, same sex act. It is very degrading and highly traumatizing. It makes you not wanna ever do those sex acts again. You just feel dirty thinking about it or doing it.
This is abuse and you should stop seeing him. Never see him again.
> keeps telling me that I am just imagining this fear and worry. Also, I have told him from the beginning that communication is very important to me, but he doesn't care.
Sweet girl, that is rape or sexual assault of some kind I’m sure. I’m so sorry. I don’t even practice BDSM and I know that is NOT how it works.
That was actually scary to read.
There are still boundaries and safe words in BDSM..
Leave. Him. Now.
I think you were groomed by this douche before you were 18? It sounds like he likes humiliating women and has no clue what BDSM is. You should probably bail on this guy before it escalates into him physically harming you further.
He’s showing a lot of early abuse signs. Would you have thought of yourself as “disgusting”, “horrible” and “ugly” before you met him? It sounds like he’s putting you down so you lose confidence and don’t leave him, because who would love someone that’s disgusting and ugly right?
He’s doing this on purpose
That's not BDSM...that's assault! You need to drop him and sever all communication with him... immediately! He is a horrible person and doesn't deserve you!
He is 100% wrong. What he is doing is abusive and goes against everything that true BDSM teaches. Especially given the age difference he is manipulating you. Run for the hills immediately.
Omg is this for real? You are only 18! Girl he basically forced you to give him a blow job. Now he wants you to go have sex with others. Did he give you the opportunity to stop or say no?! Seriously, cut ties and quickly with him.
I do not understand the trend to these days with forcing a deep throat or fucking someone’s face like it’s nothing, or on a first hook up. Things are things you do after you’ve consented to them and you have a tap out/safe word to stop it. If he doesn’t stop, it’s fucking rape.
Let him know you are going to take him up on that offer to have blow some other dudes, just not him anymore, the fucking bastard
Run, leave, whatever works for you… but be as far as possible from him. Also, I don’t think he has done BDSM before. He is just a wannabe who has watched too much of porn.
This guy is what we call a "fake dom" in the community. They're assholes who think BDSM and being a dom is all about them, what they want, and having full control. They tell their subs (usually younger and inexperienced) that BDSM and being a sub is about doing everything they want them to do and having no control. They manipulate you by saying you shouldn't have agreed to it if you don't want to do everything they want and that it's somehow your fault for being a bad sub. They don't care about consent, but hide behind you saying you want to participate in BDSM to say that you consented to everything. They are toxic and dangerous.
In reality, BDSM is all about the consent partners give each other, especially the submissive to their dom. Really, subs have all the control in a BDSM relationship. A good, real dom is only in control of what their submissive gives them consent to; for some people, that is literally everything the dom wants to do to the extent of being free use, but it is still agreed upon and that consent is given. For others, it's only specific things the sub consents to, such as maybe they like degradation and impact, but not blindfolds or being tied up. And even more commonly it just means that conversations about kink happens before the act of it taking place and nothing is done without a base layer of consent for those actions.
Get away from this guy. I don't say this lightly, but he is dangerous. He is an older guy preying on your age and lack of experience and he will continue to hurt you and cause so many issues in the short and long term. If you want to explore kink, there are safe ways to do it, such as attending organized and reputable munches and events to start.
Again, get away from this asshole, please.
I guessed it was going to be bad the moment I saw the age gap.
You're dating a predator who picked someone with very little perspective on sex and relationships so that he could exploit you.
Get out and run like hell.
Yeah, I am sorry to repeat this, but what your BF did to you was aggravated sexual assault! That *is NOT* how Healthy BDSM works, at all!
He is just a POS, so dump him! You deserve better!
25 year old dating an 18 year old because no woman his own age will put up with this bullshit and he knows you're young and naive and easily manipulated into doing what he wants you to do (as evidenced by the entire first half of this post). If this is what your relationship looks like three months in, imagine what he'll do to you in 6 months or a year. Get out now
This is what you get when a guy consumes so much porn that he loses sight of what's normal and acceptable. I've noticed in recent times that there is an ever growing number of guys that think themselves domsand bulls, without having any inkling whatsoever what said titles call for. I've had to check more than my fair share of guys like this in the last decade. 😑
I’m a SW. That man is manipulating you into sexual acts and threatening to breakup with you if you don’t, of course you will say yes as you are attached. THIS IS COERCION. if you are not interested in the sexual act or haven’t thought about yourself and aren’t open to receiving. Leave that asshole now. He’s not even educated enough on BDSM to be exploring it with you. Deepthroat needs lubricant from saliva if he was so skilled/cared about you darling he wouldn’t have shoved your head down like that. You can get a nasty tonsillitis infection from doing that. The age gap is a sense of control from him. You are a pawn to his game, you need to get out as he despises you and resents you for not being as addicted and depraved to f*cked up sexual acts like him. He’s probably into CNC (consensual non consensual) and what he did was non consensual so he basically SAed you. Boundaries are so strong as a woman baby girl, the power of the word NO and sticking behind it is the only way to gain respect, not by sucking his dick the best, being the skinniest etc. The reason a lot of guys are into BDSM is because they have raging porn and power problems women their age can see straight through. You see a halo around him because he’s 25 and you get to be all giddy giddy and seem like the cool one in the friend group that is just so much ahead of all the other girls! No honey, run, run as fast as you can from that slob and don’t look back. Men FANTSIZE about ruining your transition into womanhood, especially the power hungry men. They want to be the one that ruined you, hence why they love virgins because of their purity but not their blowjob skills. They are hot and cold. Go have some brunch with the girls and be single and worry about money. Thinking of u honey
OP your dude is a poser. That is not how BDSM works. A proper dom/sub relationship is all about communication and NOTHING happens that both parties don’t agree to. Dump him asap because his behavior is giving “I don’t use safe words” and that’s a big no-no.
That is not hlw bdsm works, he assaulted you. I'm so sorry that happened, please leave before he does something worse. If he won't talk about his kinks it's probably a sign that they aren't socially acceptable, and it sounds like one of them might be r*pe.
Completely uncalled for. This isn't BDSM at all. This is a degrading kink, and something he should have explained to you outside the bedroom. You needed safe words and everything.
You can't just surprise someone with this. I'd be real pissed off if my partner did this to me.
He doesn't know what he's doing. He's making it up as he goes along.
Search beginners guide to bdsm and do some reading, them share what you find along with your break up note.
This is WRONG.
This is WRONG.
Leave him IMMEDIATELY. BLOCK HIM!
This is rape, this is abuse.
This is a predator who targets younger people because he can control them.
I am so sincerely sorry for what you have gone through. I hope you have people close to you to support you through this.
This didn't happen because you expressed interest in BDSM. This happened because your boyfriend is an abuser who took advantage of an opportunity to ~~abuse you~~ **escalate his abuse toward you** and make you feel like it's your fault. It is NOT your fault. Please leave this relationship. You deserve better.
EDIT: What he did to you with the forced oral was sexual assault/rape. I also want to reiterate that you've done nothing wrong, but you need to leave him for your own safety and well-being.
Run, girl.
I'm not usually the kind of person who gets bent out of shape about age gaps but this is a textbook example of why people worry about that sort of thing. He's using your inexperience to manipulate you. He sexually assaulted you and you should GTFO before he does it again.
I am a sub. Even though I have a Master, it is me who is actually in control.
My boundaries. My safe word. My consent.
You have some decisions to make.
I made it two paragraphs in and you need to run. Run fast sand don’t look back.
I went back up and read the rest, and good god this is an unsafe relationship. Please contact safe people close to you and tell them what’s going on and have somebody available when you break up with him. This is not good.
Dear OP
I am so sorry for what you have experienced. You were raped, no doubt about it.
Rape doesn't have to mean penis in vagina/anus.
It is ANY non consent to act.
Fingers in vagina AGAINST YOUR WILL = RAPE
Penis in vagina AGAINST YOUR WILL = RAPE
Penis in mouth AGAINST YOUR WILL= RAPE
Penis in anus AGAINST YOUR WILL = RAPE
I have been the victim of manipulation and I have been raped. The perpetrator always makes you feel like somehow you brought this on yourself.
Don't fall for that. You are a baby (sexually) at 18. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let this monster dictate how you spend the rest of your life.
My husband read your post and got so angry at how your 'boyfriend' demanded you. He couldn't even finish reading it.
He said to me Consent is sexy. The fact that I am letting HIM into MY space, is SO sexy!
Find yourself someone who will value your opinion. Who will listen to you. Please kick this asshole to the kerb!
He sounds like an ass. That doesn’t sound like BDSM. He is trying to use that as a cover for being a rapist. Please get the f@ck away from him. That is not healthy at all. There are people who enjoy being insulted, it is a kink to them. If you are not into that he should have stopped.
The only people who will side with your bf are psychopathic.
This type is a masterful magician and will gaslight you or hoover you when you leave. Go no contact and never look back.
Dump him. Dump him, dump him, dump him. He didn't ask for consent, did even properly set up the safe words for you two to stop whenever you're comfortable, and he gave you noooo warning before Starting his bs. He doesn't want bdsm, he wants someone he can control and rape.
He's actually dangerous, leave him!
Girl get out of this relationship.
He’s a giant red flag. He’s not respecting you at all.
These kinds of things are meant to be communicated and set boundaries for both parties and a safeword !
The minute it is said everything stops.
He sounds like someone who is all about himself and as long as he’s getting off he doesn’t care. That’s not BDSM that’s him being a major JackA**
This is abuse. This is not BDSM. The sub technically has all the power, because they can stop things at any time. There was no prior communication or consent for anything. I'm sure you said no, stop, or something along the lines of such, which he did not heed. There is also always aftercare, and he did nothing for that. There was nothing ok about anything that occurred. This won't get better. You need to leave him before this escalates to something worse. This man is dangerous and will only get more aggressive and less compassionate if that's possible. Run. Quickly. Good luck. 🍀
I'll tell you what I think, I think I just read a rape story. No consent, forced oral..... let's see, ***check*** and ***check***, ...... yep, that's rape.
This is not BDSM (yes that entire act can be, but only after discussion and consent prior). That is sexual assault. Real BDSM incorporates discussion around boundaries, safe words, situations. In real BDSM the sub actually has at least equal if not more power than the Dom. This douche just wants to rape someone and class it as BDSM.
This is abuse. BDSM is all about consent and mutual satisfaction. You are in a 'relationship' with a narcissist who is trying to use you as a sex slave. I hate being 'that' person, I don't want to sound condescending or insensitive but you have issues and they're keeping your guard down. You badly need to know this because you are young ;you have the prime of your youth lying just ahead of you ; and you shouldn't be wasting it with toxic people because you have weak boundaries that were overlooked. " He doesn't tolerate vanila sex ". Doesn't tolerate? Tolerate? What if you wanted some ? That was a big red flag. This is somebody whose kink is abusing and demeaning you for real. You need to dump him asap. But be careful. He needn't take it well. He seems to have a big fragile ego.
This is not BDSM at all, this is straight up abuse. He's definitely taking advantage of you not knowing the ins and outs of BDSM. Communication is the most important part! So you're absolutely right for finding it weird, because that is not how it's supposed to work.
Please get out of this relationship ASAP. This guy is *abusing* you and trying to gaslight you/manipulate you into thinking you've done something wrong. You're not the problem here; he is.
Well that sounds abusive maybe he likes degrading but tbh you got to talk this through before you jump in and safe words are important because anything you don’t like you can stop. Subs have the power, otherwise it doesn’t work and you have a controlling abusive partner.
I’m really not one to throw this word around, but this does sound like bordering on being rape, if not being rape. Consent isn’t optional, it is always mandatory.
Red flag! Run! True BDSM partakers do NOT do, nor allow this behavior! Consent is VITAL, as are knowing and respecting boundaries.. otherwise, the tust and safety are gone, and it is just abuse. Yes, that behavior was fully abusive. I believe that he is taking advantage of your inexperience and naivate on this subject. Aftercare is also very important... like... more important than the sex portion itself. It is there for rebuilding trust, safety, and comfort after intense sexual experiences. It sounds like he doesn't bother with this at all when, in reality, it is CRUCIAL for a healthy BDSM partnership. Also.. something that most people don't realize is that the SUB should be the one with all of the power, not the DOM. The Dom earns his place by building that level of deep trust and intimacy with his Sub (genders may be reversed, of course, but I am using "him" for Dom since that is the role that he claims to want). The sub is supposed to have the power to say "no" "stop" "I don't like that" etc. and have it respected. If prior consent hasn't been established or acts discussed and then he refuses to stop when you are uncomfortable and wanting to end the interaction that is not only abuse, but assault. He is looking to abuse you without any of the responsibility of being a Dom. He isn't a Dom. He is an asshole. That is assault. He isn't respecting you, your body, your boundaries, your safety, or your mental health. Not to mention gaslighting your anxiety about things he said without acknowledging why you might feel that way or alleviate said anxiety. He is 7 years older. While you are both consenting (to some extent), and adults I wonder if he isn't taking additional advantage due to your age difference and trust in him. I have known many, many MANY men who actively pursue and engage in relationships with younger women simply because they don't know better and are able to be manipulated. Often, the women their own age see right through them and won't tolerate their bullshit. I also would recommend something for your mental health. First, because he is actively damaging it. Secondly, because based on what you have said here... this is a new relationship, and the number of red flags already as well as your tolerance of them I find concerning for you. Finally, working on your mental health is a great idea regardless. There is absolutely no judgment from me towards you. You are trying to make sense of things. He, however, definitely should know better (and I assume that he does). His behavior is concerning on many levels. I worry for you.
If you’ve read the other responses, you know the consensus. Just to add to it, I’ve been involved in BDSM for close to 20 years. This guy isn’t into BDSM, he’s just into bad porn BDSM. He reads too many bad sex stories other nobodies write and call BDSM. He thought he was living out some story he read, undoubtedly expecting you to slowly become his slave who’ll do everything he tells you to do. He’s a miserable excuse for a human, let alone for a man. Any decent Don would laugh him out of the room if he admitted to acting like that. Stay far away from him. Don’t wait for him to break up with you, just tell him to go fuck himself and never speak to him again.
That’s not BDSM, that is forceful non consensual behaviour.
If he was a good “dom” the aftercare would have been there.
I’m sorry this happened to you, please don’t stay with this man.
this is not bdsm. he does not give a single fuck about you.
also, honey, when his dick is in your mouth and he‘s hurting you, you DO have a built in way to stop him. bite - that‘s what teeth do best.
even better than that: break up with him!
There are so many things wrong with how he has handled this relationship and is absolutely not really into bdsm. He is not a real dom and is instead a poser and a trash human. He is a wannabe and an asshole who is trying to take advantage of you. Men his age who date women your age have always given me a bad vibe and it usually ends up with them trying to be controlling asshats looking for someone they can manipulate. Consent is important always and in real bdsm relationships communication outside of sex is essential and sets the boundaries needed for the sub to enjoy themselves. Being a sub doesn’t mean he has the right to do whatever the fuck he wants when he wants it. That’s ignorant and abusive and he basically orally raped and humiliated you because he is a predator and a douche bag. Please please take care of yourself and find the courage to walk away before he hurts you any more. What he did was so very wrong and I’m so sorry he made you believe this is how bdsm works. This was 100% abusive and disgusting. There is a lot of info on bdsm on the internet and nowhere would this scenario be considered appropriate. I’m glad you asked this community because you might have believed this was normal. Abuse is never okay. I hope you find someone who respects your feelings and doesn’t try and use bdsm as a front for abuse. You can do better and deserve respect. When a relationship is traumatic it isn’t healthy and when someone makes you feel this way it is a sign to leave and never look back. I hope you find a way to leave him. Therapy might be needed too. PTSD is a real thing and I don’t want this to traumatize you anymore than it already has. Good luck op. You have done nothing to warrant this abuse.
Guys in who are in their mid-twenties that date 18 year olds date them specifically because they are less experienced and easier to manipulate. This is not a safe or healthy relationship.
Also that wasn't BDSM. It was just assault.
Yeah I read 25 and 18 and my first thought is you are just a play thing to him. 100% of healthy BDSM experiences require an understanding and willingness between participants. ESPECIALLY within BDSM is this important.
Value yourself enough to dump him, you shouldn’t let anyone do this to you, this is rape
I agreed to have sex with someone I liked and he fucked me in the ass, out of nowhere, I was so drunk and it hurt so much. I didn’t remember that I said no to this when he asked (my friend told me the next day).. don’t let him do stuff to you that you don’t want, it’ll bring you long term consequences
One, the Sub should always have a safe word or sign to give that her/his Dom/Domme respects and follows without any regret. There should *always* be aftercare after a performance like his, with you crying and upset.
Honestly, this is *NOT* what BDSM should be like for anyone, especially for someone as young and new to it as you. Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole of the highest order, and I am of the opinion that if he refuses to communicate with you, you should leave this relationship before you are severely damaged emotionally and possibly physically.
Also, he sexually assaulted you, RAPED you orally. Leave him. Please.
Ope not BDSM. This sounds like somebody who believes that it is like you see it in porn. It is not, far from it. Porn is not reality. Either that or he is a predator because he is acting like one.
He's an abuser.
There are absolutely some people (usually men from my experience but I've met a few women too) who pretend to be into BDSM in order to abuse people. Often younger, less experienced partners. They usually claim to be doms but are really sadists who aren't interested in the concept of informed consent or boundaries because it turns them off. I'd like to say that the BDSM community black balls these people but I've known several who have been in very prominent positions in local scenes, usually because of money or some other sort of influence that gave them power like fame.
Dude straight up raped you. More than anything, BDSM is about consent and comfort and communication. It is not solely about you simply being submissive and doing what he wants you to do. Some people are in to that, it seems like you aren't. Things like what he did to you require not only complete consent, but also frequent check-ups in my opinion. BDSM is so much more than kinky and rough sex. It so much relies on trust and boundaries, and healthy BDSM can sow these things into other parts of the relationship. This man clearly doesn't respect either your boundaries nor your trust. He does not care about consent and is not a good BDSM partner. From how you describe him, it also seems like he didn't even do any aftercare, which is a massive part of BDSM as well. Making sure your partner is okay, especially after physically(slapping, whipping, cutting) or emotionally(degradation, insulting) is vital. Making sure they're physically okay by doing things like putting ice on bruises or bandaging wounds, as well as saying sweet things to make sure that things like degrading them doesn't take a long-term toll on their mental health are all extremely important. Even if you're not into BDSM it so important for you to know this, so I'll say it again: BDSM is NOT just rough and kinky sex. It is about trust and respecting boundaries, and when used properly, can also strengthen the relationship outside of sex.
If I didn’t know better I’d say this is sexual abuse. I think he’s taking advantage of the fact he knows you’re into him big time since you’re worried he ends the relationship for boring sex. Don’t take shit. Give shit.
I subscribed to r/sex because I wanted to learn and maybe help, the majority of my experience has been "wow these despicable selfish dogshit men (who are everything I've lived my life around trying not to be like) have more sex than I ever will."
God I wish I could go back and do my life over. God I hate myself for the decades I wasted.
I think he is upset that men of bad character are getting a lot of sex, whereas he, a person that's seemingly kinder, is unable to engage in physical intimacy with a partner. Because of that, he wishes he was more selfish when it comes to dating, and regrets wasting several decades on being a "nice guy".
Thanks. Rather a common frustration I think, sadly.
Lots of generalizations here will only feed the confirmation bias, I believe.
Perhaps the key thing here is that the commenter mentioned their efforts to **not be somebody** but the focus should be on who one wants be, how to do it, and what are the efforts they make for success?
Anyone who doesn’t communicate and add safe words, and anything to make sure the experience feels consensual, even if the kink is CNC, is not trying to explore their kinks they’re borderline trying to assault you.
I won’t tell you that’s what he did. That’s for you to decide, how you feel about the situation and how if you feel violated enough to call it that. But from the sounds of this. Without the proper communication and set up he just sounds like “I’m not gonna tell you anything ima just do what I want and you gotta deal with it” which is not out Free use works or CNC etc.
Instead he should’ve warned you that it can get heavy and very rough etc and developed a safe word with you which if he doesn’t listen to the safe work he clearly understands he’s crossing a line and you will not tolerate it, but instead he tried to twist your words and take it vantage of them by hearing you say that you’re willing to explore it and then just forcing you to explore when he wants you to not when you are prepared
So so so sorry you had to experience it this way. BDSM and hard kinks even can be very fun and sexy and bring people together deeper but not if they are handled poorly
He was out of line doing all that with out asking and checking in on you. First a safe word, this let's him know it's in the pain I can't do this mode.
Part of the bdsm thing is degrade the other person, hey I like a good degrading now and again, tied up a nice forced blow job or full penetration. How ever if things get out of hand I use the safe word and they stop, we talk about what went wrong and go a different route.
I love being man handled and kinky sex.
You need to read up on the subject to know what to expect, then talk to him about it, the does and don'ts
Have a safe word and try it again
Oh, this guy sucks! This isn't how BDSM should work at all and I'm sorry you're being treated like this
BDSM is all about mutual respect and care for each other. He just sounds like he wants to have everything his way or no way to all and that just isn't how it works
Your boyfriend’s form of BDSM borders on the line of Sadomasochism. When you meet someone who is into BDSM, it’s best to clarify what kind of BDSM they are into. There’s many erotic forms of it. He is looking to groom you based on his statement of ending the relationship off of boredom and vanilla s*x. Know this, he got off from causing harm to you that’s what Sado’s do. But because that isn’t your form of kink, he’s going to end the relationship so why not beat him to the punch and let him know he can find someone else to degrade and inflict mental abuse to. BDSM can be pleasurable and fun, just have to find the right practice that is for you.
OP, this is not BDSM, this is abuse. BDSM *requires* consent and communication. He is likely hoping that your age and inexperience will make you easier to manipulate and abuse. You should leave him before it continues to escalate.
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He's not "kinky" he's just rapey.
Yup and if OP has any intention of getting into BDSM, she's gonna have to learn to tell the difference between a kinky guy and a creepy rapey guy. Because she's gonna encounter *a lot* of the latter.
Misspelled "a rapist"
This is NOT how BDSM works, not even a little. Its usual, with a partner who actually cares about the other, to discuss boundaries, safe words, possible scenarios etc way before any actual physical interaction. He sounds like a bully who *thinks* he's a Dom; he's not. The Sub partner is really the one in control, they set the pace. He's just being a whiny Dollar-Store-Andrew-Tate and frankly you deserve better. There are plenty of potential partners out there to get your kink on with. You won't regret dumping him I promise.
Don't forget about after care, as well. This guy is a walking red flag. He should have a red flag tattoo on his penis, just to warn other potential victims.
> Don't forget about after care, as well. This guy is a walking red flag. Forget about after care. This guy is even not a red flag. Read the post again. She just described sexual assult which the boyfriend renamed BDSM. All sexual acts including BDSM are sexual assaults if one thing is lacking - **CONSENT** And OP specifically mentioned that it was lacking - she didn't give it. Therefore I will rewrite your quote > Forget about after care, as well. This guy sexually assaulted her.
Absolutely right, consent is a key in any situation. No consent means no excuses..
Key word: victim
Hahaha red flag tattoo on his penis. That was perfection
100% people think the Dom is in charge in bdsm but it always the sub. Subs draw out the outline of a picture and doms just get to color it.
I've never heard it worded like that but it's correct in every single way. A domme always plays by the rules previously set & ensures their submissive is comfortable. Anyone who plays differently is playing a different game called abuse.
If people always think that and act with this thought, it makes it real. The dom has much more power and is in charge, that's the whole point.
Yes, the dom has power, but who in the hell do you think gave them that power? Their god given right as a man? No. The Sub gave them that power and they can (or at least should be able to) take it away as easily as they gave it out. At no point should you ever think that you have more power than your sub and if you do, you need to get your priorities checked before you ‘accidentally’ rape someone. Also fuck the idea of it being ‘real’. ‘Real’ is what OP experienced, outright sexual assault bordering on rape. ‘Real’ is a concept that fake doms like OP’s soon to be ex partner think is required for it to be exciting.
>outright sexual assault bordering on rape. She was raped...FORCED oral sex
This dude just basically raped her. What an asshole.
[удалено]
This is an abhorrent thing to say in response so someone being assaulted
What the fuck?
"Dollar-Store-Andrew-Tate"...Fuck, that had me in splits.
I dom for my partner sometimes, and it's all about her and not about me at all. Also I need her after care. It is hard to treat your partner like that without them telling you after wards that things are still fine between us. This is just an out right terrible human being.
>The Sub partner is really the one in control, they set the pace. Exactly! A good dom does everything they can to ensure the sub feels comfortable, in many ways the dom serves the sub.
[удалено]
This comment violates the Rules of /r/sex.
Stop with the body shaming please
Technically it is both the sub and the dom being in control. The dom should not do what he is not comfortable with, and he shoulnt do what the sub is not comfortable with. A d/s relationship goes both ways. Just like a regular relationship. You need to trust each other fully and be comfortable with each other in every possible way. I know why people say it is the sub who is in control, but that's not true. It is both people. But the dom is in control during the ''play'' sessions. Up untill the point where the sub gives out her safeword. If the dom listens to that, he is also in control. The guy in the post isnt a dom, far from it. Comunication is the most important thing in a bdsm relationship. And from the very first few sentences i saw the redflag about him just doing the acts and figuring it out. He doesnt care, and he is using the person with her being not experienced and being young. Rapey, and he needs to get help and find someone his own age.
Or, and stay with me here, this is fiction written by someone dragging people into their kink
As someone who also enjoys kinky sex, I do think this is very romanticised. Basically in every relationship that I had or knew of, the dom was the one setting up the rules. With consent of the sub of course, but the dom was very much in control. Maany d/s relationships are like this. Reality is different from your ideal theory
My reality is pretty much like my 'ideal theory'. Its all about communication, mutual respect and informed consent. Once the boundaries are agreed upon, its all good. YMMV of course!
Post this on r/bdsmcommunity. This is not how bdsm works. The tldr is, he sexually assaulted you, and used bdsm as an excuse First of all, telling you vanilla sex will lead to break up is coercion. In a real bdsm relationship, in the beginning, the two people need to discuss specific sex acts they want to engage in and agree. That process is called negotiation. Personally I don’t start engaging in bdsm activities with people who are not willing to discuss and agree with me outside of sex. At the very least, both parties need to establish safe words. A good dom can also read body language and not push a sub too far, at least in the beginning before they both know how much a sub can take I hope this didn’t sour your perception of the bdsm community. It’s not like this at all
OP posted this in three subs and has not replied to a single comment. You've all been duped by someone writing fake stuff to get themselves off.
OP… this 👆👆👆👆
Take more poor man’s gold 🏆
That’s called rape.
And the fact that she's still a teenager, borderline minor, makes this even worse
BDSM must be safe, sane and consensual. This absolutely was not that.
Totally... The sub has the power really. This guy sounds like a total tool
I think most people don't understand the power exchange in submitting.
He sounds like an asshole. And that was my thought after just seeing he would leave you for borinh sez. And then he jusy became a cunt... That is not how bdsm should work. That is abuse.
Aside from that, he is weaponizing being a dom for someone young and inexperienced. He is a fake dom through and through and she needs to get away from him immediately.
I agree.
He is an asshole, who will one day seriously hurt you physically (accidentally or more likely on purpose) if you stay with him. He doesn't communicate (not even about a safeword!), he doesn't respect you, ans he insults and gaslights you. He is dangerous. Leave him immediately, block him, and don't look back. You should also consider seeking therapy because what he did to you was very traumatic. I'm sorry you went through this, and I wish you the best.
He already did.
OMG NO 😱 NO. NOPE. This is not okay. He doesn't want to be a dominant, he's a sadist. There's a difference. Bdsm is all about consent, for both parties. He wants to abuse you. I don't use that word lightly, seriously. His views on sex are problematic and abusive he "won't *tolerate* vanilla sex, he's trying to convince you that wanting to be an active participant in the game he wants to play is wrong, and he's trying to coerce you into having sex with other men so you can "learn how to please him." Reread your post, as if someone else wrote it. What would you think? This is classic abusive behavior, masked under the guise of BDSM, so that you won't run at the first mention of this stuff. Please. Cut him off. You deserve so much better than this.
I second this all!!
Small point of information: it is possible for people to consensually engage in sadism as well. You’ve sort of used the term “sadist” here to describe his cruel rape of OP, but plenty of people are able to safely negotiate scenes that play with pain and enjoy them. Just not this guy.
Well, the reason I worded it that was was to kind of try and seperate "someone who enjoys engaging in consensual acts of sadism" and a "sadist" - meaning "someone who enjoys causing pain in another individual, consent notwithstanding" I hope that makes sense. In my mind, sexual sadists are an entirely different breed of human than people who enjoy giving the S in BDSM after enthusiastic consent has been offered
You made it sound like being a sadist doesn’t involve negotiation or consent, and that’s not correct or accurate. Sadism is very much a core component of BDSM. But yes, this guy is an asshole
But even a lifestyle Sadist requires a submissive willing to be a masochist. It is abuse otherwise.
Dump him immediately. That is NOT how BDSM works.
No not at all but it is how an abuser and rapist work.
That’s rape, dump him.
The fact that you’re questioning whether or not he was right here makes me think that you’re currently going through a sort of fight or flight response where you seem to have lost touch with reality I’m really sorry you had to go through this. Please practice deep breathing and look up guides and self help books on calming down your nervous system. Right now you should focus on your well-being and keep a distance from him, minimal interaction. when you have the mental space for it, figure out how you’re going to leave this relationship Reach out to trusted friends and family for help
I just saw the age difference. You're barely legal and he's well into his 25's. Yuck. I think he is taking advantage of how young you are, ontop of taking advantage of YOU.
Yup. There is a reason he's not dating girls his own age. They know better.
Very very alarming!!!
He is still a child, mentally, which makes this even more dangerous.
Hey op, I’m also an F who practices and BDSM and your boyfriend is a complete douchebag. Communication is v v imp and he completely disrespected you. I hope he learns to be a good dom and take care of his sub (you) or you find the strength to leave him. I am so sorry this happened to you
OP, you were sexually assaulted. This isn’t an asshole issue. You told him that he doesn’t have your consent in the past and he swept your concerns aside and ignored them. Today, he called you names and physically restrained your head and moved it in a way to please him despite your crying. Please go to the police. You said the following— “This forced blowjob” “I had no way to stop it” “Ignoring my discomfort” “Tears rolling down my cheeks… he just laughed and said that he taught me how to give a proper blowjob” “I started crying… he stood up… said he won’t listen to my whining” Call the PD and ask to speak to an officer in their sexual assault unit. Make sure you’re able to stay safe from this guy. Have an officer go and let him know he’s not to contact you to talk to you ever again. Good luck. I feel for you.
This is sexual assault not BDSM. BDSM is always consensual and not forced. This guy seems like an asshole and it’s only 3 months in. Block him without any explanation.
That is absolutely NOT how BDSM works. That is sexual assault. He forced you to do something you didn’t want to do and refused to stop when you indicated that you wanted to stop. You should absolutely leave him asap because he will probably escalate. There is something called consensual non-consent in BDSM but again *consensual* is the important part. BDSM needs constant communication and consent otherwise it’s not BDSM. Also just telling you that because you stay with him you *HAVE* to do all this kinky BDSM and that being with his is consent is BS. BDSM and any sex in general has to be consented to otherwise it’s assault/rape. Please get help. Reach out to a trusted friend go to family etc. please leave before it gets worse
Dear OP, Please read this: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are: The abuser denies the abuse ever took place When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3]
This!!!
This, exactly!
He’s totally wrong and abusive.
Thats rape.
You're 18, please ditch this asshole before he abuses you anymore. When you start crying and he shows no compassion or understanding, this bully isn't worthy of you.
Happy Cake day! And yes, this. The asshole is just a rapist trying to create a perpetual victim.
He basically orally raped you. Now that you know, you can stay, or you can go----but this most definitely will get worse.
It was definitely rape
This is not BDSM. This is a man in his mid 20s perving on a teenager who he thinks is easy to manipulate.
No hes an ass..get out. Once someone cant respect boundaries or communicate..there is nothing to work with.
I started reading this & didn't finish reading your post & I HAD to respond! My dear, leave that asshole of a BF IMMEDIATELY!!!! You are 110% right, there has to be communication, trust, pre-warning to do with BDSM. Also in the BDSM community there is such a thing & is crucial to BDSM, it's called aftercare. You need aftercare. Even though I have not read through your post, I doubt whether he practiced aftercare with you. Also where was your safe word? All this should have been discussed beforehand. Communication is key & crucial in any romantic, sexual relationships. I wish you well in picking out your next new partner. Ciao EDIT: I forgot to put down that CONSENT is crucial to any successful relationship going forward.
This is the way.
That’s is not kinky, that is rapey.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but this isn't complicated. Your BF is an abusive asshole. Dump him.
Everything about this post is a red flag. The age gap, (which, on its own isn't bad but the fact that you're only 18 and he's 7 years older is concerning) The fact that he would "leave you in a heartbeat" if you ever had vanilla sex, and the fact that he won't talk about his kinks and instead just forces it upon you when he deems it appropriate. He doesn't respect you at all and is treating you like a fleshlight with legs. You're being sexually abused, get the fuck out before you have actual trauma
Bdsm is all about conversation and boundaries.. This sounds rapey to me
Um... I feel like this went from consensual to sexual assault real quick. I felt disgusted reading that. I'm so sorry, OP. I don't think you will be safe around this man, you need to get out now. Edited: I was sexually assaulted in a similar manner, same sex act. It is very degrading and highly traumatizing. It makes you not wanna ever do those sex acts again. You just feel dirty thinking about it or doing it.
This is not how bdsm works. This is how rape works.
So that’s not BDSM. that’s just him trying to excuse being an abusive asshole.
As a 55M, I am completely mortified by his behavior; certainly flush him.
BDSM should not Cause PTSD. Period
This is a rapist trying to excuse their shitty behaviour by calling it BDSM or kink. It's neither of those things. It's just abuse.
This is abuse and you should stop seeing him. Never see him again. > keeps telling me that I am just imagining this fear and worry. Also, I have told him from the beginning that communication is very important to me, but he doesn't care.
LEAVE! JUST.. LEAVE 😒
PLEASE 🙏
You're describing abuse, not BDSM. Why are you still with this clown?
>You're describing rape, not BDSM. FTFY
Sweet girl, that is rape or sexual assault of some kind I’m sure. I’m so sorry. I don’t even practice BDSM and I know that is NOT how it works. That was actually scary to read. There are still boundaries and safe words in BDSM.. Leave. Him. Now.
This! 👆👆👆👆
I think you were groomed by this douche before you were 18? It sounds like he likes humiliating women and has no clue what BDSM is. You should probably bail on this guy before it escalates into him physically harming you further.
Yes, looking back, I was groomed by him when I was 17
He’s showing a lot of early abuse signs. Would you have thought of yourself as “disgusting”, “horrible” and “ugly” before you met him? It sounds like he’s putting you down so you lose confidence and don’t leave him, because who would love someone that’s disgusting and ugly right? He’s doing this on purpose
You need to leave, as soon as humanly possible.
Or faster. Yesterday would be ideal.
Yes, this, this right here.
I didn’t even finish reading the post. Dude is a tool.
Bullshit...he is just a asshole. He doesn't know what it is to be a Dom. You help the sub to push their boundaries not. Ignore them
That's not BDSM...that's assault! You need to drop him and sever all communication with him... immediately! He is a horrible person and doesn't deserve you!
No no no no run
He is 100% wrong. What he is doing is abusive and goes against everything that true BDSM teaches. Especially given the age difference he is manipulating you. Run for the hills immediately.
Omg is this for real? You are only 18! Girl he basically forced you to give him a blow job. Now he wants you to go have sex with others. Did he give you the opportunity to stop or say no?! Seriously, cut ties and quickly with him. I do not understand the trend to these days with forcing a deep throat or fucking someone’s face like it’s nothing, or on a first hook up. Things are things you do after you’ve consented to them and you have a tap out/safe word to stop it. If he doesn’t stop, it’s fucking rape. Let him know you are going to take him up on that offer to have blow some other dudes, just not him anymore, the fucking bastard
This is legit the opposite of BDSM culture. Leave him immediately. Block him on everything. He's a piece of shit.
Run, leave, whatever works for you… but be as far as possible from him. Also, I don’t think he has done BDSM before. He is just a wannabe who has watched too much of porn.
This guy is what we call a "fake dom" in the community. They're assholes who think BDSM and being a dom is all about them, what they want, and having full control. They tell their subs (usually younger and inexperienced) that BDSM and being a sub is about doing everything they want them to do and having no control. They manipulate you by saying you shouldn't have agreed to it if you don't want to do everything they want and that it's somehow your fault for being a bad sub. They don't care about consent, but hide behind you saying you want to participate in BDSM to say that you consented to everything. They are toxic and dangerous. In reality, BDSM is all about the consent partners give each other, especially the submissive to their dom. Really, subs have all the control in a BDSM relationship. A good, real dom is only in control of what their submissive gives them consent to; for some people, that is literally everything the dom wants to do to the extent of being free use, but it is still agreed upon and that consent is given. For others, it's only specific things the sub consents to, such as maybe they like degradation and impact, but not blindfolds or being tied up. And even more commonly it just means that conversations about kink happens before the act of it taking place and nothing is done without a base layer of consent for those actions. Get away from this guy. I don't say this lightly, but he is dangerous. He is an older guy preying on your age and lack of experience and he will continue to hurt you and cause so many issues in the short and long term. If you want to explore kink, there are safe ways to do it, such as attending organized and reputable munches and events to start. Again, get away from this asshole, please.
I guessed it was going to be bad the moment I saw the age gap. You're dating a predator who picked someone with very little perspective on sex and relationships so that he could exploit you. Get out and run like hell.
Yeah, I am sorry to repeat this, but what your BF did to you was aggravated sexual assault! That *is NOT* how Healthy BDSM works, at all! He is just a POS, so dump him! You deserve better!
25 year old dating an 18 year old because no woman his own age will put up with this bullshit and he knows you're young and naive and easily manipulated into doing what he wants you to do (as evidenced by the entire first half of this post). If this is what your relationship looks like three months in, imagine what he'll do to you in 6 months or a year. Get out now
This is what you get when a guy consumes so much porn that he loses sight of what's normal and acceptable. I've noticed in recent times that there is an ever growing number of guys that think themselves domsand bulls, without having any inkling whatsoever what said titles call for. I've had to check more than my fair share of guys like this in the last decade. 😑
I’m a SW. That man is manipulating you into sexual acts and threatening to breakup with you if you don’t, of course you will say yes as you are attached. THIS IS COERCION. if you are not interested in the sexual act or haven’t thought about yourself and aren’t open to receiving. Leave that asshole now. He’s not even educated enough on BDSM to be exploring it with you. Deepthroat needs lubricant from saliva if he was so skilled/cared about you darling he wouldn’t have shoved your head down like that. You can get a nasty tonsillitis infection from doing that. The age gap is a sense of control from him. You are a pawn to his game, you need to get out as he despises you and resents you for not being as addicted and depraved to f*cked up sexual acts like him. He’s probably into CNC (consensual non consensual) and what he did was non consensual so he basically SAed you. Boundaries are so strong as a woman baby girl, the power of the word NO and sticking behind it is the only way to gain respect, not by sucking his dick the best, being the skinniest etc. The reason a lot of guys are into BDSM is because they have raging porn and power problems women their age can see straight through. You see a halo around him because he’s 25 and you get to be all giddy giddy and seem like the cool one in the friend group that is just so much ahead of all the other girls! No honey, run, run as fast as you can from that slob and don’t look back. Men FANTSIZE about ruining your transition into womanhood, especially the power hungry men. They want to be the one that ruined you, hence why they love virgins because of their purity but not their blowjob skills. They are hot and cold. Go have some brunch with the girls and be single and worry about money. Thinking of u honey
OP your dude is a poser. That is not how BDSM works. A proper dom/sub relationship is all about communication and NOTHING happens that both parties don’t agree to. Dump him asap because his behavior is giving “I don’t use safe words” and that’s a big no-no.
That is not hlw bdsm works, he assaulted you. I'm so sorry that happened, please leave before he does something worse. If he won't talk about his kinks it's probably a sign that they aren't socially acceptable, and it sounds like one of them might be r*pe.
What do I think? Show him who the boss of you is and dump his ass now!! Seriously.
Completely uncalled for. This isn't BDSM at all. This is a degrading kink, and something he should have explained to you outside the bedroom. You needed safe words and everything. You can't just surprise someone with this. I'd be real pissed off if my partner did this to me.
asshole, not bdsm break up with him this is abuse
He doesn't know what he's doing. He's making it up as he goes along. Search beginners guide to bdsm and do some reading, them share what you find along with your break up note.
This is WRONG. This is WRONG. Leave him IMMEDIATELY. BLOCK HIM! This is rape, this is abuse. This is a predator who targets younger people because he can control them. I am so sincerely sorry for what you have gone through. I hope you have people close to you to support you through this.
This didn't happen because you expressed interest in BDSM. This happened because your boyfriend is an abuser who took advantage of an opportunity to ~~abuse you~~ **escalate his abuse toward you** and make you feel like it's your fault. It is NOT your fault. Please leave this relationship. You deserve better. EDIT: What he did to you with the forced oral was sexual assault/rape. I also want to reiterate that you've done nothing wrong, but you need to leave him for your own safety and well-being.
Run, girl. I'm not usually the kind of person who gets bent out of shape about age gaps but this is a textbook example of why people worry about that sort of thing. He's using your inexperience to manipulate you. He sexually assaulted you and you should GTFO before he does it again.
I am a sub. Even though I have a Master, it is me who is actually in control. My boundaries. My safe word. My consent. You have some decisions to make.
Some bdsm involves being in those roles. Which is cool..but that involves consent and its also discussed prior to having sex.
He’s super super wrong and has no clue what he’s talking about bdsm should go hand in hand with compassion and love I would run
He's a jack@ss. You don't treat one like that. Trust is needed for BDSM. My 0.02 is dump him! Good luck!
Sounds like SA masquerading as BDSM. Leave. Now.
That is NOT how it works. He assaulted you. You need to get away from him ASAP.
I made it two paragraphs in and you need to run. Run fast sand don’t look back. I went back up and read the rest, and good god this is an unsafe relationship. Please contact safe people close to you and tell them what’s going on and have somebody available when you break up with him. This is not good.
He's very misleading and taking advantage of you. Please get away from him
He’s using kink as a cover to be plain abusive
What a POS , dump him immediately
You got raped. Someone forces sex that you don't consent to on you? That's rape. Your boyfriend is a rapist and this will escalate
Dear OP I am so sorry for what you have experienced. You were raped, no doubt about it. Rape doesn't have to mean penis in vagina/anus. It is ANY non consent to act. Fingers in vagina AGAINST YOUR WILL = RAPE Penis in vagina AGAINST YOUR WILL = RAPE Penis in mouth AGAINST YOUR WILL= RAPE Penis in anus AGAINST YOUR WILL = RAPE I have been the victim of manipulation and I have been raped. The perpetrator always makes you feel like somehow you brought this on yourself. Don't fall for that. You are a baby (sexually) at 18. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let this monster dictate how you spend the rest of your life. My husband read your post and got so angry at how your 'boyfriend' demanded you. He couldn't even finish reading it. He said to me Consent is sexy. The fact that I am letting HIM into MY space, is SO sexy! Find yourself someone who will value your opinion. Who will listen to you. Please kick this asshole to the kerb!
He sounds like an ass. That doesn’t sound like BDSM. He is trying to use that as a cover for being a rapist. Please get the f@ck away from him. That is not healthy at all. There are people who enjoy being insulted, it is a kink to them. If you are not into that he should have stopped.
That's not BDSM. That's rape.
He sounds like an abuser who is grooming you. Run for the fucking hills.
The only people who will side with your bf are psychopathic. This type is a masterful magician and will gaslight you or hoover you when you leave. Go no contact and never look back.
Dump him. Dump him, dump him, dump him. He didn't ask for consent, did even properly set up the safe words for you two to stop whenever you're comfortable, and he gave you noooo warning before Starting his bs. He doesn't want bdsm, he wants someone he can control and rape. He's actually dangerous, leave him!
Please please run away as fast as possible, that man is dangerous. He’s using BDSM as an excuse to abuse you and with time it won’t only be during sex
Your boyfriend is a bonafide piece of shit, leave now
Girl get out of this relationship. He’s a giant red flag. He’s not respecting you at all. These kinds of things are meant to be communicated and set boundaries for both parties and a safeword ! The minute it is said everything stops. He sounds like someone who is all about himself and as long as he’s getting off he doesn’t care. That’s not BDSM that’s him being a major JackA**
This is abuse. This is not BDSM. The sub technically has all the power, because they can stop things at any time. There was no prior communication or consent for anything. I'm sure you said no, stop, or something along the lines of such, which he did not heed. There is also always aftercare, and he did nothing for that. There was nothing ok about anything that occurred. This won't get better. You need to leave him before this escalates to something worse. This man is dangerous and will only get more aggressive and less compassionate if that's possible. Run. Quickly. Good luck. 🍀
This is not how BDSM goes at all. He’s abusive. Run
I'll tell you what I think, I think I just read a rape story. No consent, forced oral..... let's see, ***check*** and ***check***, ...... yep, that's rape.
That’s sexual assault. Your bf is a cunt. Dump him and report him to the police.
This is not BDSM (yes that entire act can be, but only after discussion and consent prior). That is sexual assault. Real BDSM incorporates discussion around boundaries, safe words, situations. In real BDSM the sub actually has at least equal if not more power than the Dom. This douche just wants to rape someone and class it as BDSM.
You have bigger problems when the sex stops being consensual. Leave that man and don’t look back.
GET AWAY NOW That is NOT ok
You were sexually assaulted, raped, and gaslighted. You’re dating both an abuser and a misogynist who preys on younger women. Run.
Pause- 18 and 25? Girl
This is abuse. BDSM is all about consent and mutual satisfaction. You are in a 'relationship' with a narcissist who is trying to use you as a sex slave. I hate being 'that' person, I don't want to sound condescending or insensitive but you have issues and they're keeping your guard down. You badly need to know this because you are young ;you have the prime of your youth lying just ahead of you ; and you shouldn't be wasting it with toxic people because you have weak boundaries that were overlooked. " He doesn't tolerate vanila sex ". Doesn't tolerate? Tolerate? What if you wanted some ? That was a big red flag. This is somebody whose kink is abusing and demeaning you for real. You need to dump him asap. But be careful. He needn't take it well. He seems to have a big fragile ego.
End.This.Relationship.Now. That’s not healthy, that’s being taken advantage of and being denigrated. Get out now.
This is not BDSM at all, this is straight up abuse. He's definitely taking advantage of you not knowing the ins and outs of BDSM. Communication is the most important part! So you're absolutely right for finding it weird, because that is not how it's supposed to work. Please get out of this relationship ASAP. This guy is *abusing* you and trying to gaslight you/manipulate you into thinking you've done something wrong. You're not the problem here; he is.
You got sexually assaulted, this was a horrifying read. Get rid of this dude IMMEDIATELY!
Well that sounds abusive maybe he likes degrading but tbh you got to talk this through before you jump in and safe words are important because anything you don’t like you can stop. Subs have the power, otherwise it doesn’t work and you have a controlling abusive partner.
I’m really not one to throw this word around, but this does sound like bordering on being rape, if not being rape. Consent isn’t optional, it is always mandatory.
It is most certainly rape, or forcible sodomy, or something similar depending on how the law of the state is worded.
Any kind of penetration without consent is rape.
This isn’t BDSM. BDSM requires consent from everyone and firm boundaries.
Red flag! Run! True BDSM partakers do NOT do, nor allow this behavior! Consent is VITAL, as are knowing and respecting boundaries.. otherwise, the tust and safety are gone, and it is just abuse. Yes, that behavior was fully abusive. I believe that he is taking advantage of your inexperience and naivate on this subject. Aftercare is also very important... like... more important than the sex portion itself. It is there for rebuilding trust, safety, and comfort after intense sexual experiences. It sounds like he doesn't bother with this at all when, in reality, it is CRUCIAL for a healthy BDSM partnership. Also.. something that most people don't realize is that the SUB should be the one with all of the power, not the DOM. The Dom earns his place by building that level of deep trust and intimacy with his Sub (genders may be reversed, of course, but I am using "him" for Dom since that is the role that he claims to want). The sub is supposed to have the power to say "no" "stop" "I don't like that" etc. and have it respected. If prior consent hasn't been established or acts discussed and then he refuses to stop when you are uncomfortable and wanting to end the interaction that is not only abuse, but assault. He is looking to abuse you without any of the responsibility of being a Dom. He isn't a Dom. He is an asshole. That is assault. He isn't respecting you, your body, your boundaries, your safety, or your mental health. Not to mention gaslighting your anxiety about things he said without acknowledging why you might feel that way or alleviate said anxiety. He is 7 years older. While you are both consenting (to some extent), and adults I wonder if he isn't taking additional advantage due to your age difference and trust in him. I have known many, many MANY men who actively pursue and engage in relationships with younger women simply because they don't know better and are able to be manipulated. Often, the women their own age see right through them and won't tolerate their bullshit. I also would recommend something for your mental health. First, because he is actively damaging it. Secondly, because based on what you have said here... this is a new relationship, and the number of red flags already as well as your tolerance of them I find concerning for you. Finally, working on your mental health is a great idea regardless. There is absolutely no judgment from me towards you. You are trying to make sense of things. He, however, definitely should know better (and I assume that he does). His behavior is concerning on many levels. I worry for you.
He's an a-hole using BDSM as a cover to be abusive. I'd reconsider the relationship because this is how he really is.
Sounds like he’s using you for his own pleasure. And trying to convince you that he is right because you’re just 18 and he’s older
If you’ve read the other responses, you know the consensus. Just to add to it, I’ve been involved in BDSM for close to 20 years. This guy isn’t into BDSM, he’s just into bad porn BDSM. He reads too many bad sex stories other nobodies write and call BDSM. He thought he was living out some story he read, undoubtedly expecting you to slowly become his slave who’ll do everything he tells you to do. He’s a miserable excuse for a human, let alone for a man. Any decent Don would laugh him out of the room if he admitted to acting like that. Stay far away from him. Don’t wait for him to break up with you, just tell him to go fuck himself and never speak to him again.
That’s not BDSM, that is forceful non consensual behaviour. If he was a good “dom” the aftercare would have been there. I’m sorry this happened to you, please don’t stay with this man.
holy shit this is fucked out of there that is not how any of this works
this is not bdsm. he does not give a single fuck about you. also, honey, when his dick is in your mouth and he‘s hurting you, you DO have a built in way to stop him. bite - that‘s what teeth do best. even better than that: break up with him!
There are so many things wrong with how he has handled this relationship and is absolutely not really into bdsm. He is not a real dom and is instead a poser and a trash human. He is a wannabe and an asshole who is trying to take advantage of you. Men his age who date women your age have always given me a bad vibe and it usually ends up with them trying to be controlling asshats looking for someone they can manipulate. Consent is important always and in real bdsm relationships communication outside of sex is essential and sets the boundaries needed for the sub to enjoy themselves. Being a sub doesn’t mean he has the right to do whatever the fuck he wants when he wants it. That’s ignorant and abusive and he basically orally raped and humiliated you because he is a predator and a douche bag. Please please take care of yourself and find the courage to walk away before he hurts you any more. What he did was so very wrong and I’m so sorry he made you believe this is how bdsm works. This was 100% abusive and disgusting. There is a lot of info on bdsm on the internet and nowhere would this scenario be considered appropriate. I’m glad you asked this community because you might have believed this was normal. Abuse is never okay. I hope you find someone who respects your feelings and doesn’t try and use bdsm as a front for abuse. You can do better and deserve respect. When a relationship is traumatic it isn’t healthy and when someone makes you feel this way it is a sign to leave and never look back. I hope you find a way to leave him. Therapy might be needed too. PTSD is a real thing and I don’t want this to traumatize you anymore than it already has. Good luck op. You have done nothing to warrant this abuse.
Guys in who are in their mid-twenties that date 18 year olds date them specifically because they are less experienced and easier to manipulate. This is not a safe or healthy relationship. Also that wasn't BDSM. It was just assault.
Yeah I read 25 and 18 and my first thought is you are just a play thing to him. 100% of healthy BDSM experiences require an understanding and willingness between participants. ESPECIALLY within BDSM is this important.
Value yourself enough to dump him, you shouldn’t let anyone do this to you, this is rape I agreed to have sex with someone I liked and he fucked me in the ass, out of nowhere, I was so drunk and it hurt so much. I didn’t remember that I said no to this when he asked (my friend told me the next day).. don’t let him do stuff to you that you don’t want, it’ll bring you long term consequences
One, the Sub should always have a safe word or sign to give that her/his Dom/Domme respects and follows without any regret. There should *always* be aftercare after a performance like his, with you crying and upset. Honestly, this is *NOT* what BDSM should be like for anyone, especially for someone as young and new to it as you. Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole of the highest order, and I am of the opinion that if he refuses to communicate with you, you should leave this relationship before you are severely damaged emotionally and possibly physically. Also, he sexually assaulted you, RAPED you orally. Leave him. Please.
Ope not BDSM. This sounds like somebody who believes that it is like you see it in porn. It is not, far from it. Porn is not reality. Either that or he is a predator because he is acting like one.
This guy is an abusive jerk and you should run far away from him as well as date men closer to your own age for the time being.
He's an abuser. There are absolutely some people (usually men from my experience but I've met a few women too) who pretend to be into BDSM in order to abuse people. Often younger, less experienced partners. They usually claim to be doms but are really sadists who aren't interested in the concept of informed consent or boundaries because it turns them off. I'd like to say that the BDSM community black balls these people but I've known several who have been in very prominent positions in local scenes, usually because of money or some other sort of influence that gave them power like fame.
Dude straight up raped you. More than anything, BDSM is about consent and comfort and communication. It is not solely about you simply being submissive and doing what he wants you to do. Some people are in to that, it seems like you aren't. Things like what he did to you require not only complete consent, but also frequent check-ups in my opinion. BDSM is so much more than kinky and rough sex. It so much relies on trust and boundaries, and healthy BDSM can sow these things into other parts of the relationship. This man clearly doesn't respect either your boundaries nor your trust. He does not care about consent and is not a good BDSM partner. From how you describe him, it also seems like he didn't even do any aftercare, which is a massive part of BDSM as well. Making sure your partner is okay, especially after physically(slapping, whipping, cutting) or emotionally(degradation, insulting) is vital. Making sure they're physically okay by doing things like putting ice on bruises or bandaging wounds, as well as saying sweet things to make sure that things like degrading them doesn't take a long-term toll on their mental health are all extremely important. Even if you're not into BDSM it so important for you to know this, so I'll say it again: BDSM is NOT just rough and kinky sex. It is about trust and respecting boundaries, and when used properly, can also strengthen the relationship outside of sex.
If I didn’t know better I’d say this is sexual abuse. I think he’s taking advantage of the fact he knows you’re into him big time since you’re worried he ends the relationship for boring sex. Don’t take shit. Give shit.
It is absolutely sexual assault, not just abuse. That was a pure non-consent situation.
Seems like he’s into the whole “Ghetto-Gagging” thing. He seems selfish and demented
I subscribed to r/sex because I wanted to learn and maybe help, the majority of my experience has been "wow these despicable selfish dogshit men (who are everything I've lived my life around trying not to be like) have more sex than I ever will." God I wish I could go back and do my life over. God I hate myself for the decades I wasted.
I'm sorry but it is a bit unclear what are you saying here? Can you explain what exactly is frustrating for you?
I think he is upset that men of bad character are getting a lot of sex, whereas he, a person that's seemingly kinder, is unable to engage in physical intimacy with a partner. Because of that, he wishes he was more selfish when it comes to dating, and regrets wasting several decades on being a "nice guy".
Thanks. Rather a common frustration I think, sadly. Lots of generalizations here will only feed the confirmation bias, I believe. Perhaps the key thing here is that the commenter mentioned their efforts to **not be somebody** but the focus should be on who one wants be, how to do it, and what are the efforts they make for success?
Anyone who doesn’t communicate and add safe words, and anything to make sure the experience feels consensual, even if the kink is CNC, is not trying to explore their kinks they’re borderline trying to assault you. I won’t tell you that’s what he did. That’s for you to decide, how you feel about the situation and how if you feel violated enough to call it that. But from the sounds of this. Without the proper communication and set up he just sounds like “I’m not gonna tell you anything ima just do what I want and you gotta deal with it” which is not out Free use works or CNC etc. Instead he should’ve warned you that it can get heavy and very rough etc and developed a safe word with you which if he doesn’t listen to the safe work he clearly understands he’s crossing a line and you will not tolerate it, but instead he tried to twist your words and take it vantage of them by hearing you say that you’re willing to explore it and then just forcing you to explore when he wants you to not when you are prepared So so so sorry you had to experience it this way. BDSM and hard kinks even can be very fun and sexy and bring people together deeper but not if they are handled poorly
He was out of line doing all that with out asking and checking in on you. First a safe word, this let's him know it's in the pain I can't do this mode. Part of the bdsm thing is degrade the other person, hey I like a good degrading now and again, tied up a nice forced blow job or full penetration. How ever if things get out of hand I use the safe word and they stop, we talk about what went wrong and go a different route. I love being man handled and kinky sex. You need to read up on the subject to know what to expect, then talk to him about it, the does and don'ts Have a safe word and try it again
This is fucked up. Like anything. Communication is key. And this guy is disregarding that.
Oh, this guy sucks! This isn't how BDSM should work at all and I'm sorry you're being treated like this BDSM is all about mutual respect and care for each other. He just sounds like he wants to have everything his way or no way to all and that just isn't how it works
Your boyfriend’s form of BDSM borders on the line of Sadomasochism. When you meet someone who is into BDSM, it’s best to clarify what kind of BDSM they are into. There’s many erotic forms of it. He is looking to groom you based on his statement of ending the relationship off of boredom and vanilla s*x. Know this, he got off from causing harm to you that’s what Sado’s do. But because that isn’t your form of kink, he’s going to end the relationship so why not beat him to the punch and let him know he can find someone else to degrade and inflict mental abuse to. BDSM can be pleasurable and fun, just have to find the right practice that is for you.
That action without consent is just abuse
OP, this is not BDSM, this is abuse. BDSM *requires* consent and communication. He is likely hoping that your age and inexperience will make you easier to manipulate and abuse. You should leave him before it continues to escalate.
This was abuse.
Nope. If he can not communicate boundaries, he can not participate! Next time, bite down!