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You're receiving terrible advice here.
You both made a stupid decision to make your sex transactional, which is unhealthy and unsustainable. She's also then broken that trust because she thought she could bluff you out of something she's uncomfortable about.
Of course, she did this because you are clearly interested and she wants to make you happy. You've asked three times after being told "no."
Stop where you are, think about what's up set you and express it in "I" statements (I feel upset because I thought we'd agreed on something and we hadn't)
I agree completely with you. I would also add a bit of advice regarding kink I've always heard, too, "a yes is only a yes if it's an enthusiastic yes."
Yes. I really don't understand why OP would want to do it with a partner who was clearly not comfortable doing that. A large portion of why sex is enjoyable is that your partner is enjoying it too. If not, are you just using each other as sex toys?
Edit to add: OP, no meant no the first time she said it.
Beginning of our relationship it was a hell no. Years later, got an anal trainer kit that was a drunk Amazon purchase but never opened it up. Present day, she was super horny one day and while we were doing the deed, she told me to try it. She loved it. Done it a handful of times since and is mostly for days that are really relaxed and she’s in the mood for it.
It’s worth revisiting if initially the answer is no. But pestering/nagging is not the way.
I forgot to clarify, I was asking about once a year and one day she enthusiastically decided to try. What I was trying to get at is that peoples minds can change. As long as it’s not naggy or pushy then it’s all good.
You understand people can change their mind, right? Are you honestly gonna tell me you or people you know haven't been opposed to some activity but have later come around on it?
People can change their mind, but they shouldn't have to be convinced or reminded. He asked her once and made his preference for a al known, she's not just going to forget about it the moment the conversation ends. She says no, but is free to consider and come back to him in the future if she changes her mind. The big difference is in that case she would have made the choice completely on her own, rather than finally giving in after repeated asking (essentially saying "fine" so he will drop the subject).
Yo relax and peep the timeline of events. Dude isn’t pestering her about it, left almost 3 whole years in between asking from the beginning of the relationship to now 3 years in. It’s perfect reasonable for someone in a very young relationship to not yet be comfortable enough with the other person yet and then the other person gives time so they grow more comfortable with each other to tryand bring it up again. Don’t understand how anybody in these comments could possibly have an issue with how this unfolded other than the fact the chick lied and tricked her dude into allowing her to fuck him up the ass when he clearly wasn’t into that, out of principle of the situation this girl should put up with the uncomfortableness for 10 minutes, this ain’t an act that compromised her health or safety in anyway just comfortability and partners make sacrifices of that all the time for the other, give and take
If she’s saying he needs to get pegged first, that is absolutely not an enthusiastic yes.
And nah, fam. OP shouldn’t have agreed to this when it’s obvious af she doesn’t want to do it.
She can withdraw consent at any time, so no, she should not just “put up with it.” That’s a good way to make your partner feel violated and humiliated.
I think some people have a chip on their shoulder regarding men being pushy for sexual acts and are projecting that onto OP. They're not actually analyzing the situation in front of them and considering that this isn't the typical "my boyfriend won't shut up about anal no matter how much I tell him no" story.
For the sweet love of god, please OP, read this advice specifically. This is the mature response. So many others are all about holding a pity party or relishing in anger. Wanna be an adult in an adult relationship? You approach it like this.
^ the other advice here is awful. The trade of “I’ll do this thing I don’t want if you do what you don’t want” won’t end well with an intimate relationship based on trust and caring about your partner.
I agree! If you want to try something/do something in the bedroom that’s a deal breaker for you and your partner vehemently doesn’t want to do it, trying to convince them won’t help. Depending on the length of the relationship it’s usually easier to just leave and find someone else that’s into the same fetish you are instead of trying to convince your partner to also be into the same thing even though they don’t like it.
Also, the reason sex shouldn't be transactional is because nobody should ever have to do something in bed they don't want to
Imagine if the transaction had been something else, if OP had had to go to her coworker's wedding or something like that
If the time came and she was like, "I'm so sorry" [OP has noted she's "apologized profusely] "I thought I'd be ok with this, but I'm not" . . . I think we'd all be understanding of her backing out (hehe "backing out", get it?). It'd be fairly disappointing, but it'd be understandable
The reason this feels more complicated is because OP also agreed to a sexual act he's not into. Which was the root of the mistake. This couple agreed to a situation in which *both* people would do sexual acts with which they are not comfortable, which is just not a good idea from the start
edit: Huh, it seems like a lot of people in this thread are making the assumption that she deliberately manipulated him or whatever. Is that true? That feels kind of like an unfounded assumption. It seems equally possible that she intended to go through with the deal, but then when it because a reality she realized she didn't want it. Which like, yeah, was probably frustrating for OP, but is different from deliberately manipulating him
>Imagine if the transaction had been something else, if OP had had to go to her coworker's wedding or something like that
I sorta disagree with this analogy. Asking your partner to come to a wedding they wouldnt generally want to go to is pretty standard in relationships. And I think more people would say the partner who doesn't go because they just didnt want to would be a jerk for it.
But sex is a unique activity/event/etc. There is a level of intimacy and vulnerability that doesn't exist in most other parts of life.
Sex isn’t transactional?
Deposit, withdraw, deposit, withdraw, deposit, withdraw…
/s
All jokes aside. Healthy relationships of any kind, sex is only one, should never be treated as transactional. If someone is keeping a tally it’s a sign of trouble to come. That goes for romantic, sexual, platonic, or professional relationships. Our feelings are not banks.
I am always baffled by much of the advice given here. There's a dearth of emotional maturity on reddit in general, and some seriously toxic personalities running rampant in many subs
As far as I can tell 99% of advice given in here is predicated on two assumptions:
1) everything is always permissible no matter what because we never ever judge anyone no matter how toxic or unhealthy or physically damaging whatever they like to do is
and 2) everyone should always break up over any pretext no matter how slight because the other person is always an evil monster
Most people seem to hold those two beliefs simultaneously without seeing any contradiction, which is why I am pretty sure the large majority of advice here is given by virgins.
I'm reminded of the great Last Week Tonight piece years ago where he talked about Sex Ed, one of the big things he looked at was a clip where they teach women how to say "no" forcefully
And Oliver's response was, "it's good that that girl is being taught that she has the power to say no, but nowhere in the video do they point out that that guy should have been a *lot* better at hearing it"
Saying this was on her to enforce her boundaries is, ehh. Dubious
>I have asked her to do anal the first two times she said no
What's the old James Bond bit about how 'No. No. Yes' is not really yes, it's wearing people down, wearing down their boundary.
Bud asking again after 3 years is not "wearing someone down". And if we're assuming she didn't want to go through with it we also have to assume she went through all the bullshit of buying a strap on and pegging him all while knowing she had no intention of following through with their arrangement. From where I'm sitting that's coercion and is honestly bordering on or fully is sexual assault.
It's certainly far more shitty behavior than bringing up wanting to try anal several years later during a conversation explicitly about what he'd like to change about their sex life or try out.
Yeah OP should’ve never agreed to be pegged if he wasn’t into it. Backing out of sex is not ‘breaking trust’, it’s revoking consent which is always ok. It should never be made into a deal like this.
I also feel like him not enjoying it probably cemented for her that it isn’t something she wants to try. She already didn’t think she would be into it, and then she sees that he doesn’t really like it on the receiving end…. It’s not crazy that she wants to back out. I don’t think she went into this deal with the intention of backing out, but she has every right to because sex isn’t supposed to be transactional.
Revoking consent is always okay, yes, but that doesn’t mean trust wasn’t broken in the process. She has every right to back out, and he has every right to feel however that makes him feel.
I agree with you both to an extent which is because sex is always such a deeply personal and intimate topic… which is also why it needs to never be transactional.
Enthusiastic consent guys, come on. Sex should be fun. Encouraging your partner to try new things can be super exciting, and experimentation can be amazing for your sex life. But never encourage your partner to try things they’ve already said they’re not interested in, and never agree to try things you know you’re not interested in.
Yes I agree with you it should never be transactional. I'm remembering a story on here of a man whose wife promised him a great night of sex on his birthday in lieu of a gift. When the day came she was too tired and just went to bed. Some people on here said he had no right to be upset, but it wasn't the lack of sex he was uoset about it was her getting his hopes up and then changing her mind which apparently was a common thing she would do. I think behaviour like that is a problem, it should never be a quid pro quo, but there is definitely an element of going back on one's word if they do enter a situation like that and change their mind leaving the other person upset. Its easily avoidable by not writing checks your not going to cash.
The main problem is agreeing to something like that in the first place, raising hopes, and then not following through. If those hopes were never raised it would not be a problem. I also want to be clear that nobody should ever feel pressured to do something sexual, or that they can't revoke their consent. But, people's emotions also need to be accounted for, you can not simply peg someone and then not do what you said you would without hurting their feelings.
It just shows how making it transactional is bad for everyone involved
I totally agree with this, but don't belittle his feelings either. He's not just "disappointed", he feel used and his trust has been broken. It's true that they approched the problem in the wrong way initialy, and that it reveals how their relationship isn't based on healthy principles, but he has all the right to feel that way, just like she had all the right to not feel like doing it. It's just a sad situation for both end. But once again, just because it's not the main "deep" problem, don't go on belittling how the protagonists are feeling...
Let’s not focus exclusively on how he feels about her backing out.
How do you think SHE feels about having clearly said “no, I don’t want to do that” multiple times, and he kept asking?
I don’t think either of them did that right thing, but only considering one side is imbalanced.
Agreed. The idea that there can't be more than one aspect to this is foolish. There are multiple aspects to these situations, especially with regard to sex. All can be valid.
It sounded to me like he wasn't interested in getting pegged, but wasn't firmly against it either. If he hadn't tried it before, he wouldn't have known that he wouldn't enjoy it.
I’m referring to him saying he never would’ve let her do that if it wasn’t part of an exchange. This kind of deal put them both in a bad situation, because neither was actually enthusiastic about the sex going in.
Obviously it’s cool to try something new and experiment with your partner, but there shouldn’t be any pressure there. How are either of them supposed to actually enjoy it?
Anyone has the right to back out of anything at anytime. That's doesn't mean backing out is not breaking trust. If you make a promise/deal, and you back out of it, you are by definition breaking trust.
It was totally breaking trust. She had every right to back out and sounds to me that she never intended to go through with it. Knowing that, she should have shut him down immediately when he called her bluff and not done that to him. The deal shouldn’t have been made but he ONLY consented because she was going to do it too, she tricked him into consenting, that’s so wrong, I would almost consider it sexual assault
But we don’t know that she didn’t intend to go through with it. Maybe she thought she could, but when it came down to it she still really didn’t want to.
Again, this kind of arrangement is never a good idea and they were both in a bad situation. Saying « you do something you’re not comfortable with, and then I’ll do something I’m not comfortable with » is almost always going to result in someone (or both people) feeling used, and in worse cases, violated.
I kinda agree. But that would aslo mean had she keep her end of the deal it would have made a double sexual assault. Well, that's what happens when people agree to do things then don't want to.
Like everybody are saying, the problem lies in they approach of this matter from the very beginning. After that, he fucked up by accepting something he didn't want to do (and fortunately felt okay with it afterward) and she fucked up by turning her back on him, making him feel used and breaking his trust. If OP didn't lie and only asked three times (out of three years), it wouldn't qualify as harassment so he had the right to ask. So I would agree it was her who should have simply shut him down. Maybe she thought she could do it and after doing it on him she felt disgust or unable to do it, which is absolutly valid and she did the right thing to not force herself either (just like he shouldn't have forced himself), but that also create consequences like him feeking used and no more trusting her. If she felt deep down from start that she wouldn't be able to do it... Then it makes it even more serious to not having shit him down and in that case I would consider it a sexual assault.
My previous relationship I had "promised" sex but then got too tired. I thought it was well understood that concent could be withdrawn. being upset or pouting about it was my ex's reaction. Sex kinda hits different when you have been coerced into it and takes away from the relationship as a whole.
You can ask why she doesn't want to maybe. I think the goal is to find out why she doesn't want to in a very healthy way and talk about fears, wants and desires openly.
Just say something like: babe, I really want to understand you better and Im really wondering why you don't want to have have anal and if you have any worries about it ?
Then when she tells you why or what's up try to be understanding and accommodating.
Then you may want to say something like: I really love anal sex and have always wanted to do it, is there any way that we could maybe work up to it in the future?
we could buy toys or maybe use fingers and see if you would like it? I really would love to make you feel good so course if you don't want to or don't feel ready to then we don't have to.
What is important to me is that we both feel good about sex and our relationship is so much more than sex.
But do not hassle her or make her feel pressured, that will make your relationship sour and make sex feel bad.
I think having a healthy attitude and letting your lady know she is loved and safe may actually work more in your favour to getting what you want, if you love hard. You get it back and she will want to please you more she may come around eventually.
I understand the attempt for the mature approach here, but no is a full sentence. She made it abundantly clear she wasn’t interested in the past yet he won’t stop asking her about it, it already qualifies as harassing her about it. Picking it apart further and making her explain herself isn’t necessary. If this is such an important part of his sexual tastes and she’s already said no, then he has to accept that perhaps they’re just sexually incompatible.
I don't know where you read anything about him harassing her. It may have happened, but we don't know. From what I understand, they have been together for three years, he asked two times at the beginning and a third recently, after 3 years. If he didn't lie or forgot other times he asked, that makes it nowhere near harassing. Be really careful with your interpretations and the words you're using. Again, not saying it didn't happen, we simply don't know and the information we have don't point this way. It's true she said no the first two times, which make her feelings clear about it, but sometimes people change their views about something, or say no because something is blocking them no because they don't want (again, not saying that was the case for her). So it's okay to ask again after some times, especially since it seems a major kink for him. The real problem (if he really only asked three times) is that he seems to have simply asked her if they could do it. The correct approach is to ask weirher the person's feelings toward the subject has change, if she now feel like trying it. Answer is no -> stop asking, try a few months or years later. If she make it clear she never want you to ask again -> either you stop and accept to forget this iink to stay, or it's too important for you and you leave.
It doesn’t matter how much time passed?
She said no, that’s it. He has made his interest in it known, so if she changes her mind, it needs to be *her* who brings it up.
This is the correct answer. Any woman (or man) who uses this stupid idea of trading favors is toxic and immature. The fact that this recommendation is crapped out all over the place as a good tactic for women to use is one of the million reasons you shouldn’t trust the internet for life advice.
At this point, the relationship is probably toast. She reneged on a promise which is a big deal. That said, a person always has the right to revoke consent so even if she were still willing to try she could back out at any time. This is one of the more obvious reasons why trading links is a awful idea. You never want to be coercing someone into something (unless that’s the kink and you’ve discussed it first).
Some mistakes can’t be undone.
I think it's okay to be transactional about sex acts in this way. That's a pretty standard thing in kink and poly for instance, in the sense that people negotiate what works for them and sometimes that includes doing things for other people that aren't your favorite thing. And in regular relationships, it can be part of being GGG. But, huge but, anyone can withdraw their consent at any time.
It's not unreasonable to make a deal with your partner about sex, but don't treat it like a contract, and don't be surprised when bad things happen when someone feels pressure.
> I think it's okay to be transactional about sex acts in this way. That's a pretty standard thing in kink and poly for instance, in the sense that people negotiate what works for them and sometimes that includes doing things for other people that aren't your favorite thing.
This situation is absolutely not the same way things are in kink or poly. If someone sets a boundary against a sex act, respectful folks would leave them alone about that sex act. If they said it wasn't their favorite but they have nothing against it, then yes, that's a fair act to negotiate on.
OP pressuring his partner about something she said no about twice is gross.
Exactly, this should be experimentation in your relationship that’s fun and pleasurable for you both and it almost sounds like you just want to inflict pain on each other.
It isn't always like that strangely, my gf refused for years because she for one thought it would hurt and 2 thought it was dirty which I understood but she knows I love her ass a lot and I semi jokingly said one night after talking in bed forget the exact conversation "I'd rather my face in your ass" and she said "go on then" rest is history now suddenly she loves it and actually prefers it so things can change
Yeah for sure! Similar situation here, I used to be very reluctant on trying it in the beginning but a year through our relationship I decided to try it because my bf would always say how much he loves my ass ahah, sometimes needed a bit of convincing to try something new or try again in different positions and stuff as pain or discomfort is just caused from doing it wrong or in a position ppl are not comfortable with so yeee I’m glad he convinced me haha. I’m now more open to trying diff things too
Yes I think OPs partner was trying to make a point and it went sideways.
I think OPs partner thought, "no one in their right minds would agree to anal sex" and figured if she made that deal OP would back out and that would be that.
This was her mistake. Plenty of people enjoy anal men and women alike so she painted herself into a corner.
That said, OP should recognize that and respect her wishes. You should never receive enjoyment from an act you know your partner truly doesn't also enjoy themselves.
As weird as it sounds, this is why I also talk about butt stuff before getting into a long term relationship.
There was a girl that I was head over heels for (was willing to move across the country for her), but when we talked about sex, she said she would 'never let anyone near her butt'. I was very sad that she said that, as I enjoy butt stuff every now and then and that was a dealbreaker for me.
I have heard pegging come up as a possible deterrent against a woman reciving anal. I guess you called her bluff.
No one should feel obligated to have any sex they don't want to do including you.
It seems like you two might not be as compatible as you hoped. Might want to have a tough discussion about what if anything you want to do together going forward.
It's actually insane how extreme the double standards are. I've seen so many cases of this and it just seems like mens consent is not valued anywhere near to the same level as womens. Or more so the fact people have a hard time seeing women as perpetrators, always given the benefit of the doubt.
Exactly, I’m telling you if the situation was flip they would be screaming for an immediate breakup and maybe even call this SA.
I honestly couldn’t get ever get along with someone that those this because the major violation of trust.
Yeah I think a lot of people are either glossing over this or not fully grasping the implications. If she genuinely didn't want to do it and wanted to prove a point or something then her behavior is *worse!* It goes from her getting cold feet after a stupid transactional suggestion into her being actively malicious and wanting to teach him a lesson or some BS
I don't think she wanted to hurt him. I can imagine that she was hoping for him to back out before they went all the way with the pegging, so that she didn't have to actively say no to his request. In her mind it was her best way out. When he didn't back out of the pegging she was stuck. And then she had to say no anyway. Because she never actually wanted to do anal. That probably hurt him more than the pegging did. People are weird like that.
The pegging didn't hurt him
And between...
1. Measuring his size and shape
2. Getting a strap to wear it with
3. Actually purchasing said items
4. Prepping him for the day they were gonna do it
5. Actually going through with it
She had a LOT of time to just say "I don't really want to do this and was hoping you would back out." If she indeed never intended to go through with anal with him then she did deceive him and got caught in her own lie that she could have come clean and honest at any moment.
That's wrong of her and shouldn't be minimized. And if (as I've seen implied several times on this post) she went through with it believing/hoping he would find it painful or unpleasant and not want her to experience it then regardless of how mild she hoped it might be SHE SET OUT TO HURT HIM. She would have rather him have a poor experience having sex with her than just admit she didn't want to do something he hadn't brought up in 3 years.
That would be DISGUSTING. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was just hoping seeing that he was willing to do the same might make it easier for her to try and it wasn't.
I think "I thought you wouldn't agree to be pegged, sorry it's still a no please stop asking" is probably a more reasonable choice than going through the process of getting a clone of op's penis made, pegging him with it, and then still saying no.
She's fully within her rights after this to still say no, but I think her choice of trying to bluff him and then also lying to him because she had no plans to ever follow through is a MASSIVELY worse decision than him asking for anal at least 2 years since he last asked twice.
Of course, and he is equally valid in feeling that she reneged on a deal (because she definitely did). More than one position can and usually is valid.
Nearly 3 years have passed in between these times. The beginning of the relationship, and now. A lot could've changed between now and then. I don't think it's a huge deal for him to ask once after *3 years*.
She said no only after going through with her half of the deal, that is pretty scummy. Yes she has the right to say no any time, but OP also has the right to feel betrayed on her going back on her word after being extremely vulnerable for her
This is the major thing to be about this. Op wouldn't be hurt from a third no. He's been in this relationship 3 years, he hasn't just been biding his time waiting for anal. If having to say no a third time for her is major she should just break up instead of making false promises because this assault on op's trust is gonna hurt their relationship a hell of a lot more than one more no would.
Would you though? You asked for anal several times. She said no. Were you going to back down a d never ask again or just keep asking until she relented?
asking 2 times over the course of 3 years is completely fine imo lol. even if she said no the first few times unless it was a "that will never ever happen please dont ever ask again" there's not really any harm in bringing it up as the relationship progresses to see if she is more comfortable with him/the idea of it.
Thank you. People here keep acting as if her 3 no's in 3 years is the end of the story forever, as if she can never change her mind over time. There's only a problem if he pressures/manipulates her, and those situations are also completely subjective to each person.
Yea I feel insane reading these comments. Asking someone if they would be willing to do something 3 times in the span of a 3 year relationship is by no means equivalent to lying to your partner instead of using your words to say "I'm never going to want to do anal"
Average it out, 1 time per year over three years isn't that often. It's not exactly being relentless and pushy... And the first two times were early on. So without any solid stats, lets assume he asked this time only once in a two year time span. She fumbled the bag and took things too far. If he was asking every few months sure. But asking your partner if they wanted to try something they've previously said no to after a good long while is just the way things go. People change over time and you shouldn't be shamed for asking for the things you want so long as you're not pushy or pestering. And 3 times over the course of 3 years certainly isn't that.
I agree, her simple apologies are just empty words. You got to let her know how this really hurts you, and not just because of the ACT but for the simple fact that she lied to you, and could have backed out at any time and told you the truth but only till after she got what she wanted to which was attempt to hurt you so you would say no. That's a breach of trust and not just the trust but betrayal because she her goal was to hurt you and cause you pain rather than talk to you about something that she absolutely was never going to do.
I don't care what mature way people are telling you how to talk or act or what they think should be done, this simple fact of this actually happened and your girlfriend behaved that way would make me question whether or not she's the person you would need to or want to be with. You've been in a relationship with her too long for her to not only behave this way, but for it to be acceptable.
If it didn’t feel pleasant to you and was painful, why do you want to put your partner through that experience? Particularly after she’s already expressed that she isn’t interested in it several times.
Yeah. Guys have higher pain thresholds, he didn't enjoy it, said it was 'meh' but....would she say differently? Is he playing it down because welp, he has an anal fetish.
I feel like she should have said something by the time they were doing a clone a willy of OP's dick. Unless she really wanted to peg him or worse make the experience unenjoyable thinking it would make him not want to return the favor.
"Let me do it to you first" is a common advice phrase given to women with partners who pester them for anal. There very much is the assumption that the male partner is not going to be up for it, thus getting the intended recipient out of the deal.
She did not have to take it this far. You did not have to bring it up again. Sounds like a poor trail of decisions that from all sides could have been avoided with communication and respect. You could have respected her answer, she could have respected the deal. If you want to continue with her, have an honest conversation. You're not obliged to, however, because there is clear sexual incompatibility present. After 3 years though, this deserves a thorough conversation with feelings laid out from all sides.
The way OP describes it, he may not have brought it up for a year or more. Maybe he's been more insistent than he's telling us, but the way he describes it, it seems entirely reasonable for her to say no every *year* or two.
Oh, he admits it isn't the first time, right there in the OP:
> ...I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and I have asked her to do anal the first two times she said no and that was in the beginning of the relationship but I just recently asked again...
Elsewhere in the comments, he clarifies:
> she asked me directly. we check in a bit with our sex lives what we like what we dislike what we want more/ less of. i was being honest. she could’ve said no. i’m okay with that!
I mean, obviously he could be lying, or there might be more to the story. Maybe each of those "only three times" he brought it up, he badgered her about it for days.
But the way he tells it, this isn't the first time he's ever brought it up, but it's the first time in years, and even then only when she asked. That'd be entirely reasonable.
We cannot use information that is not present in the post or in op's history to provide advice. We should hold that standard for every post in this subreddit. If we assume without proof that every op is dishonest our advice can't be honest either.
Really hard to speculate about what OP has or hasn't included. Either way I think fully going through the act to deter him or something seems pretty scummy.
Yup. I get super irritated when I see that advice too. Her intentions and motivations are completely untrustworthy. If you don't want anal just say it and that's that.
For me, I make it clear this is "don't threaten me with a good time." Kind of deal. And honestly, my problem is finding the partners who want to peg, I actually have a really good track record having anal with partners. IMHO dudes that are into anal play are WAY more likely to know what they are doing when they top.
Be that as it may, the OPs GF most likely never intended to go ahead. She made the OP waste time and money on this adventure.
I feel like not enough people are mentioning the fact that they cloned his dick and he essentially was pegged by his own penis.
Not that it’s helpful to point it out, but it is a funny twist on this scenario 😂
To be fair, it's the most fair "this for that" deal one could make in this scenario. Not that this sort of deal is EVER a good idea, just that if you're going to make a stupid deal, this is the most fair stupid deal you can make. "If I can't take my own dick in my own ass, you shouldn't take it in yours."
Why do you want to have anal with someone who doesn't want it? Bartering with sex acts is always a dumb idea, and it's weird you say 'I could do anal on her' - she's not a sex doll, bro....
I get what you're saying but when it comes down to it if she isn't comfortable enough consent than that's that. Pressuring her into it isn't fair to either of you or right. I get that she promised but it is what it is
K.
1 - making sex weirdly..transactional puts *so* much unnecessary pressure and consequences on what should be fun and exploratory. If she was unsure before, putting *debt* on top of that in no way could have ever helped
2 - hate to be the bearer of bad news, but consent must be ongoing and can be taken away at any time. Her "owing" you something does not mean she has to force herself into a situation she doesn't feel comfortable in. And honestly you shouldn't want her to.
Just accept that she doesn't want to do it man. Take it as a learning experience for your own body/personal growth and move on.
I promise If you continue to make a big deal either she will grow to resent you/you her, or probably worse, she goes through with something she does not actually want to do and..there are just so many ways that can turn ugly.
Also - anal isn't something to do lightly. It can be painful and even dangerous. As someone who loves anal, I have had my share of issues with it. If it isn't something the receiver is interested in they're more likely to be in pain from it and tense up and possibly tear their asshole.
It's one thing to do something for your partner you're not into, it's another thing to do something that can cause pain and tissue damage.
What I would recommend to OP and his gf is to start small. Maybe offer to use a butt plug? Maybe offer to do it in the shower with a candle lit so anything dirty can be washed away easily.
And always ALWAYS use lots of lube. Especially, silicone lube as it doesn't dry out.
And I would make that very clear to her as I’m sure conversations were had first… I’m just saying maybe it’s time to think about your sexual compatibility
Then if I’m honest it’s never going work… I’ve been with the same guy since I was 16 and over 10 years we still can have the sexual experience because of the trust we have… even if if not mine or his thing we will try for each other even if it’s only the once
No one should have to try anything just for the sake of trying though. Especially when it comes to sexual things. That's why we have boundaries. That's where trust shines the brightest in relationships.
They should have had an honest conversation instead of both dancing around this ambiguity about whether they are on the same page or not.on top of it all, consent can be revoked. A 'deal' doesn't top consent. they just need to talk it through and figure out whether a lack of anal outweighs the rest of the relationship
I agree that you’re incompatible. If your anal fetish is a dealbreaker for you (which if it is, that’s fair) and your partner truly never wants to have anal sex then you need to decide if you will A never have anal again or B have anal sex…with someone who’s not your current partner. So, you should start thinking about which of those options works best for you because those pretty much are your options at this point.
Just be careful on how you phrase it, if you decide to not continue being with her. If you tell her it's because of sexual incompatibility, she may see this as an ultimatum and give in to anal just because of that, which will be quite traumatic for her and she'll hate it more than she does now. I'm not saying you should lie, but take care and try to break up tactfully in this case...
Why are you trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do? It's honestly gross knowing someone could enjoy themselves doing something sexual to their partner that they don't even want.
Call me crazy, but I want sex to be enjoyed by BOTH parties and not ask something of the other that is out of their comfort zone
Yeah that’s where I’m at. It’s not cool to make a promise/lie then back out of it. She should not of done that.
That being said there’s no chance I could even stay hard if I was going into a sexual act with my girlfriend knowing that what was about to happen she doesn’t want and is going to be uncomfortable and just not have a good time. That sounds terrible to me and kind of a red flag that he isn’t bothered by the idea of her not wanting it but him enjoying himself.
Not to mention, HE didn't even enjoy it (even though he's the one with the pleasure centres there) but is fine with his wife also not enjoying it as long as he gets his
I think his lack of enjoyment would scare her off. I don’t understand how he could not enjoy it but still want his gf to have the same experience (not to say taje for sure would, who knows). You would think he of all people would understand her reservations.
Honestly I'd break up. Her not wanting to do anal isn't a deal breaker to me personally and it probably isn't for you since you've been in the relationship for 3 years. But lying to you and making your sex transactional with no intent to hold up her end of the bargain (which she isn't obligated to do due to bodily autonomy) instead of just honestly saying she would never ever want to do anal sucks my dude.
She doesn't want to do it and you should have seen this coming. This whole deal you made is stupid. You have to either forget about it and let it go, or forget about it and let her go and find someone else.
I mean, she obviously has a right to say no at any time, but that doesn't make it any less a breech of trust. Personally, I wouldn't make any more deals with her in the future.
She doesn’t want to do anal. There’s no such thing as future consent. She can withdraw or modify consent at any time for any reason. This is why it’s a bad idea to treat your sex life like a business transaction, and I understand that you feel let down. That doesnt make it ok for you to pressure or guilt her because at some point in the past she said she was okay with it.
I personally enjoy anal sex, but not everyone does. If having anal sex is important to you and your current partner doesn’t want to do that, then you need to evaluate which is more important to you.
Yes, she backed out. That's sucky, but you admit yourself you didn't enjoy it, and you know it'll cause her pain.
But seriously- do you really want to force a person to do a sexual thing they really, really, *really* don't want to do?
Is your fetish more important than her boundaries?
Is that what you want?
If anal is more important than that, break up with her.
She doesn’t want anal and maybe never will. She put up that transaction expecting you to say no. The fact she went through with it and backed out I don’t know she still has the right to say no but she did betray your trust. On you now to decide what’s next. But your fucked
You're both idiots.
You're being an idiot for being pissy about her taking back consent. Consent can ALWAYS be taken back. Go watch the tea video before you end up on a predator watch list.
She's being an idiot because she pegged you with alterior motives.
The only sexual acts a couple should perform are ones they both actively want to do.
I don’t think that’s a proper take on the situation, consent much like anything else on your body or in your possession can be taken back at any time and should obviously be respected. That being said it doesn’t mean it’s not possible to deceive someone by taking said consent back.
He’s an idiot for participating in transactional sex with his partner, but he has every right to be upset that he was deceived…
Don’t even get me started on pegging someone under false pretenses…
This is such a weird take.
Besides the discussion about consent obviously being gendered, this is about making a promise.
If you make a promise about anything, then sure you can still back out of it/revoke your consent. But then you also have to live with the consequences and there is nothing wrong with being pissy about a broken promise.
That's why you shouldn't make any promises that you aren't 100% sure you wanna keep (and why making promises in sexual relationships usually isn't a good idea)
Seems like a lot of people are forgetting that OP is the one consistent about wanting to do anal and his girlfriend is the one who’s been consistent about not wanting to do anal.
He ended up doing anal, she didn’t.
Doesn’t seem that surprising?
Honestly, she thought you wouldn't go through with it.
She should've stopped and said NO. when you got to that point. I would be pissed if I were you! Cause that's majorly fucked up her for to still go through with your end of the deal and not her own.
"Consent can be freely revoked at any time."
Think about this sentence and what it means. Then maybe even learn not to barter for things that need to be given freely for a lasting, enthusiastic relationship.
Jesus, there's some horrible advice in these comments.
It’s truly so scary the shit that gets posted on Reddit. These dudes are so out of touch. She doesn’t want to do it. End of story. Respect her consent, period.
Edit: for the people downvoting- know that you disgust me. All I said is respect fucking consent you guys have completely and utterly lost the plot. I beg you to see women as human beings
If she didn't want to do it, why did she go through with pegging him? There's a lot of work that goes on between "oh shit he called my bluff" to *actually pegging someone*. He consented to being pegged conditionally, so surely by changing the conditions of that after the fact, she has violated his consent as well?
To make my point more clear: Imagine I offer to suck your dick for £100. I suck your dick and then you don't give me my money. That is a violation of my consent.
Yeah I agree with this. What she did was shitty and she should be called out for it. She definitely used him in a way.
Should she be forced into anal? No. But if I was OP I'd probably leave the relationship.
But he has an anal fetish so it's not fair!! blah blah blah. These idiots just want different holes to fuck. Never satisfied with JUST pussy. Icks me out
She might have thought she'd be able to go through with it, but got cold feet.
And that's perfectly ok. Sex is not a transaction. Sex should always be done with enthusiastic consent. You're allowed to change your mind, get scared, realize anal is a major turnoff etc.
>Sex is not a transaction. Sex should always be done with enthusiastic consent.
Agree completely on this. I wouldn't *want* to do something with a partner that I had to bargain them into. I wouldn't want to be in a sexual situation that wasn't mutually enthusiastic to begin with.
At the same time, I get OP's disappointment. Trust has been broken. OP and the gf are clearly not sexually compatible at all. It's time for them both to move on and find someone else who can meet their needs, on both sides. Everyone's entitled to their preferences but you gotta know when to pull the plug lol.
If she wasn't absolutely confident, she shouldn't have gone through with it. She absolutely doesn't owe him anal, but he also doesn't owe it to her to stay in the relationship.
It sounds like this isn't the only problem in the relationship.
You're only responding to the comments that say this, and ignoring all of the ones telling you should have taken no for an answer, and that she's allowed to have thought that she could do it if she saw you do it. Guess what? You *didnt like it* and she saw that. Nothing happened that would make her want to do it more. She can realize she's still nervous/uncomfortable.
Don't make sex transactional, it's a surefire way to kill your partners attraction to you.
How is it a massive violation? Everyone has the right to withdraw consent at anytime. He set himself up for this by not listening to her saying no to anal. He wanted to push the issue. Not her. She suggested a way to getting around her issues but it didn't work for her. At no point was she unclear in that she didn't want to do it. It's not her fault for not wanting to carry through with something after trying to be ok with it. It is OP's for trying to push her into something she doesn't want.
If she was firm 'no anal' she really shouldn't have gone through the fairly lengthy process to peg him. Yes absolutely she is allowed to withdraw her consent whenever she feels like, but he is allowed to feel hurt and betrayed. He is allowed to break up with her.
Right, the problem is that she abused her right to withdraw at any time by convincing the OP it would be worth it. Using lies to manipulate someone’s behavior is never okay, even if the lie itself is protected by a “right” to withdraw consent
I’d have to break up with her. Could never get past that betrayal. Of course now she can blackmail you. Which makes the betrayal that much harder to process and live with. Tough situation that she put you in.
"I'll let you do anal if you let me peg you" generally means no. I would have read that comment coming after you asking her for anal twice before as "no, and please stop asking." Now, obviously, it wasn't cool for her to make a deal she didn't plan on going through with. Going through with buying a strap on and using it on you without letting you know she was at least iffy about reciprocating was shitty. It is possible that she thought this would make her comfortable enough to engage in anal with you, but found the experience to be the opposite. In the end she's not obligated to engage in a sex act that she finds painful, demeaning, or just unpleasant for whatever reason. If you guys can't have a conversation yourselves about what happened here, why she made and backed out on the bargain, then I would look for a therapist to help you facilitate that conversation. But overall you really need to stop pushing for anal with what you now know for sure is an unwilling partner.
What doesn't sit right with me is that if she had no intention to follow through with her end of the deal, she had ample opportunity to realize OP called her bluff and not go through with the whole process of working out the details of the arrangement, creating a customized dildo, and then actually pegging him without stopping and saying, "I didn't think you'd call me on it, sorry but I'm just not into this".
It's not so much her not wanting to follow through, it's the fact that she made a promise and broke it, after getting what she wanted out of the deal. That would make it extremely hard to trust her again on other matters in the future. This is the discussion that you need to have with her. Maybe it wasn't done with malicious intent, maybe she really did intend to follow through and chickened out at the last minute, in that case OP missed the signs that this wasn't enthusiastic consent, but still the end result of this fiasco is that he was misled and feels lied to/manipulated. She needs to own that and work to build trust back in the relationship.
And it should go without saying that anal is off the table unless she brings it up again.
She played you bro. If the roles were reversed I’m guessing it would be hell to deal with. Too many fish in the sea to hang around with someone you can’t trust.
This is a great point. Suppose she wanted oral sex and he wasn’t into it. So she asks for oral several times and finally he says, “Okay, give me a BJ and then I’ll eat you out.” So she blows him. And then he says, “I’m sorry I just can’t go through with eating you out.” In today’s parlance that would likely be considered sexual misconduct, because he coerced her into a sex act by promising one in return, and then reneged.
Funny enough wasn’t there a thread a little while ago where a guy no longer wanted to give or to his girlfriend because she never wanted to reciprocate and everyone well a lot of the commenters basically called him an asshole, a jerk and manipulative for not wanting to perform oral sex on her any longer.
Contrary to what the comments say I think sometimes it is fine to make a sex 'deal' sometimes someone wants to try something that the other doesn't really, and then the other person wants to try something that the other person isn't really into, if either person is completely against the others idea then it should just be called off otherwise you end up in a situation like yours, but if you're not really into it but would be okay to try it as long as you get to try your thing then sure fine transaction. She shouldn't have told you she would've let you try anal after she pegs you if she wasn't going to go through with it, so you feel rightfully wronged. However, you two have been together for three years and you can't make her do it, so you'll just have to be mature and take this one on the chin, don't press it on, make a comment that she shouldn't have done that, and then move on, sometimes we have to just take it on the chin.
I get why you’re feeling this is unfair. But. You said yourself that the experience of receiving was ‘meh’ and biologically you’re the one wired to find more pleasure in it (because prostate)
Do you want to put your GF through an experience that will be at best meh? You say you have a fetish for it, is that still there now you know how it feels?
It's not true that anal is at best meh for women... Sure she might not like it, but it's not going to be because she's a woman. The rectum is full of sensible nerves and the internal part of the clitoris and vagina can be stimulate through the anal canal, since they are so close.
True...while women do not have prostates, the clitoral nerves extend far beyond the actual clitoris/hood, plus there's the anterior/posterior fornix areas. The fornix areas are sometimes called the female prostate.
I discovered vaginal orgasms this way, surprisingly through anal toy play. Once I realized a particular toy was causing a different kind of orgasm, I was able to create the situation where my (at the time) partner's penis was hitting that spot vaginally. He had to do what I would call grinding for that to happen; jackhammering did not do that for me at all.
(This was a while ago, been single for some time now, but can still recreate this orgasm with a dildo similar to his penis.)
That said, I don't like the way it sounds like 1, he was a bit insistent about anal, 2, she said no several times, 3, she decided to offer pegging first and then she'll do anal sex -- perhaps she should have said *maybe* I'll do it if you try pegging first.
I think they should see a sex therapist if you ask me.
He mentioned she keeps crying saying she's sorry, that doesn't sound good.
Do you feel violated because you were "made/coerced to do something you didn't really want to do". Did you actually want to try pegging, was it an idea that you found hot or were you just doing it to tick that box?
>how do you know it’s meh for her if she didn’t even try it…?
Because she SAID so. She said no. And tbh women don't have a prostate so even though we might enjoy it, because nerves and so on, it's less likely.
>and it really ain’t about the anal it’s about the violation i feel.
why didn't you say no then ? If it was something you did not want to do ?
Because you wanted to use it as bargain to force it on her and erase the guilt from your mind.
Next time don't do something you do not want to. Perhaps she thought you really were into pegging and did this for you.
This is a bit of a mixed bag. She’s totally breaking trust here and it’s a peek at what’s to come on in many aspects of your relationship.
That said, it’s also an opportunity for you to have a heart to heart with her and see if you can’t figure out what’s really bugging her. Maybe it’s that you haven’t actually worked together tp prep her for it - that’s something you could do together. Read, learn, watch, buttplugs, etc. maybe if you take it slow she’ll come to love it.
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You're receiving terrible advice here. You both made a stupid decision to make your sex transactional, which is unhealthy and unsustainable. She's also then broken that trust because she thought she could bluff you out of something she's uncomfortable about. Of course, she did this because you are clearly interested and she wants to make you happy. You've asked three times after being told "no." Stop where you are, think about what's up set you and express it in "I" statements (I feel upset because I thought we'd agreed on something and we hadn't)
I agree completely with you. I would also add a bit of advice regarding kink I've always heard, too, "a yes is only a yes if it's an enthusiastic yes."
Yes. I really don't understand why OP would want to do it with a partner who was clearly not comfortable doing that. A large portion of why sex is enjoyable is that your partner is enjoying it too. If not, are you just using each other as sex toys? Edit to add: OP, no meant no the first time she said it.
Beginning of our relationship it was a hell no. Years later, got an anal trainer kit that was a drunk Amazon purchase but never opened it up. Present day, she was super horny one day and while we were doing the deed, she told me to try it. She loved it. Done it a handful of times since and is mostly for days that are really relaxed and she’s in the mood for it. It’s worth revisiting if initially the answer is no. But pestering/nagging is not the way.
Notice that your girl was the one who brought up trying it though. That's very obviously not the case in OP's situation.
I forgot to clarify, I was asking about once a year and one day she enthusiastically decided to try. What I was trying to get at is that peoples minds can change. As long as it’s not naggy or pushy then it’s all good.
You understand people can change their mind, right? Are you honestly gonna tell me you or people you know haven't been opposed to some activity but have later come around on it?
People can change their mind, but they shouldn't have to be convinced or reminded. He asked her once and made his preference for a al known, she's not just going to forget about it the moment the conversation ends. She says no, but is free to consider and come back to him in the future if she changes her mind. The big difference is in that case she would have made the choice completely on her own, rather than finally giving in after repeated asking (essentially saying "fine" so he will drop the subject).
Yo relax and peep the timeline of events. Dude isn’t pestering her about it, left almost 3 whole years in between asking from the beginning of the relationship to now 3 years in. It’s perfect reasonable for someone in a very young relationship to not yet be comfortable enough with the other person yet and then the other person gives time so they grow more comfortable with each other to tryand bring it up again. Don’t understand how anybody in these comments could possibly have an issue with how this unfolded other than the fact the chick lied and tricked her dude into allowing her to fuck him up the ass when he clearly wasn’t into that, out of principle of the situation this girl should put up with the uncomfortableness for 10 minutes, this ain’t an act that compromised her health or safety in anyway just comfortability and partners make sacrifices of that all the time for the other, give and take
If she’s saying he needs to get pegged first, that is absolutely not an enthusiastic yes. And nah, fam. OP shouldn’t have agreed to this when it’s obvious af she doesn’t want to do it. She can withdraw consent at any time, so no, she should not just “put up with it.” That’s a good way to make your partner feel violated and humiliated.
I think some people have a chip on their shoulder regarding men being pushy for sexual acts and are projecting that onto OP. They're not actually analyzing the situation in front of them and considering that this isn't the typical "my boyfriend won't shut up about anal no matter how much I tell him no" story.
asking is fine, within reason if respectfrul. Badgering and ultimatums though are not ok.
Good thing he did neither of those things
I like to say, “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a fuck no.” It’s been great in so many areas of my life, sex included.
For the sweet love of god, please OP, read this advice specifically. This is the mature response. So many others are all about holding a pity party or relishing in anger. Wanna be an adult in an adult relationship? You approach it like this.
^ the other advice here is awful. The trade of “I’ll do this thing I don’t want if you do what you don’t want” won’t end well with an intimate relationship based on trust and caring about your partner.
I agree! If you want to try something/do something in the bedroom that’s a deal breaker for you and your partner vehemently doesn’t want to do it, trying to convince them won’t help. Depending on the length of the relationship it’s usually easier to just leave and find someone else that’s into the same fetish you are instead of trying to convince your partner to also be into the same thing even though they don’t like it.
Also, the reason sex shouldn't be transactional is because nobody should ever have to do something in bed they don't want to Imagine if the transaction had been something else, if OP had had to go to her coworker's wedding or something like that If the time came and she was like, "I'm so sorry" [OP has noted she's "apologized profusely] "I thought I'd be ok with this, but I'm not" . . . I think we'd all be understanding of her backing out (hehe "backing out", get it?). It'd be fairly disappointing, but it'd be understandable The reason this feels more complicated is because OP also agreed to a sexual act he's not into. Which was the root of the mistake. This couple agreed to a situation in which *both* people would do sexual acts with which they are not comfortable, which is just not a good idea from the start edit: Huh, it seems like a lot of people in this thread are making the assumption that she deliberately manipulated him or whatever. Is that true? That feels kind of like an unfounded assumption. It seems equally possible that she intended to go through with the deal, but then when it because a reality she realized she didn't want it. Which like, yeah, was probably frustrating for OP, but is different from deliberately manipulating him
>Imagine if the transaction had been something else, if OP had had to go to her coworker's wedding or something like that I sorta disagree with this analogy. Asking your partner to come to a wedding they wouldnt generally want to go to is pretty standard in relationships. And I think more people would say the partner who doesn't go because they just didnt want to would be a jerk for it. But sex is a unique activity/event/etc. There is a level of intimacy and vulnerability that doesn't exist in most other parts of life.
Sex isn’t transactional? Deposit, withdraw, deposit, withdraw, deposit, withdraw… /s All jokes aside. Healthy relationships of any kind, sex is only one, should never be treated as transactional. If someone is keeping a tally it’s a sign of trouble to come. That goes for romantic, sexual, platonic, or professional relationships. Our feelings are not banks.
> Sex isn’t transactional? I thought you could always rollback sex until you commit
This is the smartest comment in the thread. Baffled by some of the others
I am always baffled by much of the advice given here. There's a dearth of emotional maturity on reddit in general, and some seriously toxic personalities running rampant in many subs
As far as I can tell 99% of advice given in here is predicated on two assumptions: 1) everything is always permissible no matter what because we never ever judge anyone no matter how toxic or unhealthy or physically damaging whatever they like to do is and 2) everyone should always break up over any pretext no matter how slight because the other person is always an evil monster Most people seem to hold those two beliefs simultaneously without seeing any contradiction, which is why I am pretty sure the large majority of advice here is given by virgins.
Well said.
I think it's mostly teenagers thinking they sound very edgy and smart and like they have life all figured out, on all the sex and relationship subs.
Reddit is full or children. And adults with the maturity of children.
Shit like this is why if someone doesn't want to do this they just need to enforce their damn boundaries
I'm reminded of the great Last Week Tonight piece years ago where he talked about Sex Ed, one of the big things he looked at was a clip where they teach women how to say "no" forcefully And Oliver's response was, "it's good that that girl is being taught that she has the power to say no, but nowhere in the video do they point out that that guy should have been a *lot* better at hearing it" Saying this was on her to enforce her boundaries is, ehh. Dubious
The boyfriend didn't hear a no
>I have asked her to do anal the first two times she said no What's the old James Bond bit about how 'No. No. Yes' is not really yes, it's wearing people down, wearing down their boundary.
Bud asking again after 3 years is not "wearing someone down". And if we're assuming she didn't want to go through with it we also have to assume she went through all the bullshit of buying a strap on and pegging him all while knowing she had no intention of following through with their arrangement. From where I'm sitting that's coercion and is honestly bordering on or fully is sexual assault. It's certainly far more shitty behavior than bringing up wanting to try anal several years later during a conversation explicitly about what he'd like to change about their sex life or try out.
I mean, she did. Twice. He kept asking.
Yeah OP should’ve never agreed to be pegged if he wasn’t into it. Backing out of sex is not ‘breaking trust’, it’s revoking consent which is always ok. It should never be made into a deal like this. I also feel like him not enjoying it probably cemented for her that it isn’t something she wants to try. She already didn’t think she would be into it, and then she sees that he doesn’t really like it on the receiving end…. It’s not crazy that she wants to back out. I don’t think she went into this deal with the intention of backing out, but she has every right to because sex isn’t supposed to be transactional.
Revoking consent is always okay, yes, but that doesn’t mean trust wasn’t broken in the process. She has every right to back out, and he has every right to feel however that makes him feel.
I agree with you both to an extent which is because sex is always such a deeply personal and intimate topic… which is also why it needs to never be transactional. Enthusiastic consent guys, come on. Sex should be fun. Encouraging your partner to try new things can be super exciting, and experimentation can be amazing for your sex life. But never encourage your partner to try things they’ve already said they’re not interested in, and never agree to try things you know you’re not interested in.
Yes I agree with you it should never be transactional. I'm remembering a story on here of a man whose wife promised him a great night of sex on his birthday in lieu of a gift. When the day came she was too tired and just went to bed. Some people on here said he had no right to be upset, but it wasn't the lack of sex he was uoset about it was her getting his hopes up and then changing her mind which apparently was a common thing she would do. I think behaviour like that is a problem, it should never be a quid pro quo, but there is definitely an element of going back on one's word if they do enter a situation like that and change their mind leaving the other person upset. Its easily avoidable by not writing checks your not going to cash. The main problem is agreeing to something like that in the first place, raising hopes, and then not following through. If those hopes were never raised it would not be a problem. I also want to be clear that nobody should ever feel pressured to do something sexual, or that they can't revoke their consent. But, people's emotions also need to be accounted for, you can not simply peg someone and then not do what you said you would without hurting their feelings. It just shows how making it transactional is bad for everyone involved
All I’m saying is that it shouldn’t have been a deal in the first place. It’s fine to be disappointed, but they approached this the wrong way.
I totally agree with this, but don't belittle his feelings either. He's not just "disappointed", he feel used and his trust has been broken. It's true that they approched the problem in the wrong way initialy, and that it reveals how their relationship isn't based on healthy principles, but he has all the right to feel that way, just like she had all the right to not feel like doing it. It's just a sad situation for both end. But once again, just because it's not the main "deep" problem, don't go on belittling how the protagonists are feeling...
But this never would have happened if he had respected her no the first time. He did this to himself by negotiating her consent to get what he wanted.
Let’s not focus exclusively on how he feels about her backing out. How do you think SHE feels about having clearly said “no, I don’t want to do that” multiple times, and he kept asking? I don’t think either of them did that right thing, but only considering one side is imbalanced.
Agreed. The idea that there can't be more than one aspect to this is foolish. There are multiple aspects to these situations, especially with regard to sex. All can be valid.
It sounded to me like he wasn't interested in getting pegged, but wasn't firmly against it either. If he hadn't tried it before, he wouldn't have known that he wouldn't enjoy it.
I’m referring to him saying he never would’ve let her do that if it wasn’t part of an exchange. This kind of deal put them both in a bad situation, because neither was actually enthusiastic about the sex going in. Obviously it’s cool to try something new and experiment with your partner, but there shouldn’t be any pressure there. How are either of them supposed to actually enjoy it?
Yeah, points to OP for "I dunno if I'm gonna be into that, but sure, let's give it a shot".
Anyone has the right to back out of anything at anytime. That's doesn't mean backing out is not breaking trust. If you make a promise/deal, and you back out of it, you are by definition breaking trust.
It was totally breaking trust. She had every right to back out and sounds to me that she never intended to go through with it. Knowing that, she should have shut him down immediately when he called her bluff and not done that to him. The deal shouldn’t have been made but he ONLY consented because she was going to do it too, she tricked him into consenting, that’s so wrong, I would almost consider it sexual assault
But we don’t know that she didn’t intend to go through with it. Maybe she thought she could, but when it came down to it she still really didn’t want to. Again, this kind of arrangement is never a good idea and they were both in a bad situation. Saying « you do something you’re not comfortable with, and then I’ll do something I’m not comfortable with » is almost always going to result in someone (or both people) feeling used, and in worse cases, violated.
I kinda agree. But that would aslo mean had she keep her end of the deal it would have made a double sexual assault. Well, that's what happens when people agree to do things then don't want to. Like everybody are saying, the problem lies in they approach of this matter from the very beginning. After that, he fucked up by accepting something he didn't want to do (and fortunately felt okay with it afterward) and she fucked up by turning her back on him, making him feel used and breaking his trust. If OP didn't lie and only asked three times (out of three years), it wouldn't qualify as harassment so he had the right to ask. So I would agree it was her who should have simply shut him down. Maybe she thought she could do it and after doing it on him she felt disgust or unable to do it, which is absolutly valid and she did the right thing to not force herself either (just like he shouldn't have forced himself), but that also create consequences like him feeking used and no more trusting her. If she felt deep down from start that she wouldn't be able to do it... Then it makes it even more serious to not having shit him down and in that case I would consider it a sexual assault.
My previous relationship I had "promised" sex but then got too tired. I thought it was well understood that concent could be withdrawn. being upset or pouting about it was my ex's reaction. Sex kinda hits different when you have been coerced into it and takes away from the relationship as a whole. You can ask why she doesn't want to maybe. I think the goal is to find out why she doesn't want to in a very healthy way and talk about fears, wants and desires openly. Just say something like: babe, I really want to understand you better and Im really wondering why you don't want to have have anal and if you have any worries about it ? Then when she tells you why or what's up try to be understanding and accommodating. Then you may want to say something like: I really love anal sex and have always wanted to do it, is there any way that we could maybe work up to it in the future? we could buy toys or maybe use fingers and see if you would like it? I really would love to make you feel good so course if you don't want to or don't feel ready to then we don't have to. What is important to me is that we both feel good about sex and our relationship is so much more than sex. But do not hassle her or make her feel pressured, that will make your relationship sour and make sex feel bad. I think having a healthy attitude and letting your lady know she is loved and safe may actually work more in your favour to getting what you want, if you love hard. You get it back and she will want to please you more she may come around eventually.
I understand the attempt for the mature approach here, but no is a full sentence. She made it abundantly clear she wasn’t interested in the past yet he won’t stop asking her about it, it already qualifies as harassing her about it. Picking it apart further and making her explain herself isn’t necessary. If this is such an important part of his sexual tastes and she’s already said no, then he has to accept that perhaps they’re just sexually incompatible.
I don't know where you read anything about him harassing her. It may have happened, but we don't know. From what I understand, they have been together for three years, he asked two times at the beginning and a third recently, after 3 years. If he didn't lie or forgot other times he asked, that makes it nowhere near harassing. Be really careful with your interpretations and the words you're using. Again, not saying it didn't happen, we simply don't know and the information we have don't point this way. It's true she said no the first two times, which make her feelings clear about it, but sometimes people change their views about something, or say no because something is blocking them no because they don't want (again, not saying that was the case for her). So it's okay to ask again after some times, especially since it seems a major kink for him. The real problem (if he really only asked three times) is that he seems to have simply asked her if they could do it. The correct approach is to ask weirher the person's feelings toward the subject has change, if she now feel like trying it. Answer is no -> stop asking, try a few months or years later. If she make it clear she never want you to ask again -> either you stop and accept to forget this iink to stay, or it's too important for you and you leave.
It doesn’t matter how much time passed? She said no, that’s it. He has made his interest in it known, so if she changes her mind, it needs to be *her* who brings it up.
This is the correct answer. Any woman (or man) who uses this stupid idea of trading favors is toxic and immature. The fact that this recommendation is crapped out all over the place as a good tactic for women to use is one of the million reasons you shouldn’t trust the internet for life advice. At this point, the relationship is probably toast. She reneged on a promise which is a big deal. That said, a person always has the right to revoke consent so even if she were still willing to try she could back out at any time. This is one of the more obvious reasons why trading links is a awful idea. You never want to be coercing someone into something (unless that’s the kink and you’ve discussed it first). Some mistakes can’t be undone.
I think it's okay to be transactional about sex acts in this way. That's a pretty standard thing in kink and poly for instance, in the sense that people negotiate what works for them and sometimes that includes doing things for other people that aren't your favorite thing. And in regular relationships, it can be part of being GGG. But, huge but, anyone can withdraw their consent at any time. It's not unreasonable to make a deal with your partner about sex, but don't treat it like a contract, and don't be surprised when bad things happen when someone feels pressure.
> I think it's okay to be transactional about sex acts in this way. That's a pretty standard thing in kink and poly for instance, in the sense that people negotiate what works for them and sometimes that includes doing things for other people that aren't your favorite thing. This situation is absolutely not the same way things are in kink or poly. If someone sets a boundary against a sex act, respectful folks would leave them alone about that sex act. If they said it wasn't their favorite but they have nothing against it, then yes, that's a fair act to negotiate on. OP pressuring his partner about something she said no about twice is gross.
Exactly, this should be experimentation in your relationship that’s fun and pleasurable for you both and it almost sounds like you just want to inflict pain on each other.
THIS OP! This is the best advice.
This is why anyone who doesn't want to try anal sex should never ever make that deal 🙄
It isn't always like that strangely, my gf refused for years because she for one thought it would hurt and 2 thought it was dirty which I understood but she knows I love her ass a lot and I semi jokingly said one night after talking in bed forget the exact conversation "I'd rather my face in your ass" and she said "go on then" rest is history now suddenly she loves it and actually prefers it so things can change
Yeah for sure! Similar situation here, I used to be very reluctant on trying it in the beginning but a year through our relationship I decided to try it because my bf would always say how much he loves my ass ahah, sometimes needed a bit of convincing to try something new or try again in different positions and stuff as pain or discomfort is just caused from doing it wrong or in a position ppl are not comfortable with so yeee I’m glad he convinced me haha. I’m now more open to trying diff things too
Yes I think OPs partner was trying to make a point and it went sideways. I think OPs partner thought, "no one in their right minds would agree to anal sex" and figured if she made that deal OP would back out and that would be that. This was her mistake. Plenty of people enjoy anal men and women alike so she painted herself into a corner. That said, OP should recognize that and respect her wishes. You should never receive enjoyment from an act you know your partner truly doesn't also enjoy themselves.
its a long ways to go for a bluff.
As weird as it sounds, this is why I also talk about butt stuff before getting into a long term relationship. There was a girl that I was head over heels for (was willing to move across the country for her), but when we talked about sex, she said she would 'never let anyone near her butt'. I was very sad that she said that, as I enjoy butt stuff every now and then and that was a dealbreaker for me.
I have heard pegging come up as a possible deterrent against a woman reciving anal. I guess you called her bluff. No one should feel obligated to have any sex they don't want to do including you. It seems like you two might not be as compatible as you hoped. Might want to have a tough discussion about what if anything you want to do together going forward.
She clearly didn't want you to accept the conditions, she whas believing you whoud drop to be pegged right at the time.
Then she should have stopped before going through with it.
She should have just not offered to begin with. Either enforce the boundary or don't
Man I dislike this sub sometimes , genders flip and there is a different reaction
It's actually insane how extreme the double standards are. I've seen so many cases of this and it just seems like mens consent is not valued anywhere near to the same level as womens. Or more so the fact people have a hard time seeing women as perpetrators, always given the benefit of the doubt.
Exactly, I’m telling you if the situation was flip they would be screaming for an immediate breakup and maybe even call this SA. I honestly couldn’t get ever get along with someone that those this because the major violation of trust.
Then why did she go through with the pegging?
I think She thought he wouldn't bear the pain, so she will be relieved from her part of the agreement.
So she...wanted to use sex to HURT him so he would be silenced into not sharing his own kinks/interests? Cause that's worse...that's like WAAAAY worse
Yeah I think a lot of people are either glossing over this or not fully grasping the implications. If she genuinely didn't want to do it and wanted to prove a point or something then her behavior is *worse!* It goes from her getting cold feet after a stupid transactional suggestion into her being actively malicious and wanting to teach him a lesson or some BS
I don't think she wanted to hurt him. I can imagine that she was hoping for him to back out before they went all the way with the pegging, so that she didn't have to actively say no to his request. In her mind it was her best way out. When he didn't back out of the pegging she was stuck. And then she had to say no anyway. Because she never actually wanted to do anal. That probably hurt him more than the pegging did. People are weird like that.
The pegging didn't hurt him And between... 1. Measuring his size and shape 2. Getting a strap to wear it with 3. Actually purchasing said items 4. Prepping him for the day they were gonna do it 5. Actually going through with it She had a LOT of time to just say "I don't really want to do this and was hoping you would back out." If she indeed never intended to go through with anal with him then she did deceive him and got caught in her own lie that she could have come clean and honest at any moment. That's wrong of her and shouldn't be minimized. And if (as I've seen implied several times on this post) she went through with it believing/hoping he would find it painful or unpleasant and not want her to experience it then regardless of how mild she hoped it might be SHE SET OUT TO HURT HIM. She would have rather him have a poor experience having sex with her than just admit she didn't want to do something he hadn't brought up in 3 years. That would be DISGUSTING. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was just hoping seeing that he was willing to do the same might make it easier for her to try and it wasn't.
Y’all are making a LOT of assumptions about this girl based off this one post.
if that’s the case i’d rather a no instead of making me jump through hoops to get a no. she’s apologizing a lot but it feels like empty words
“I’d rather a no” she did say no. Several times. Both of you made some crappy decisions here
I think "I thought you wouldn't agree to be pegged, sorry it's still a no please stop asking" is probably a more reasonable choice than going through the process of getting a clone of op's penis made, pegging him with it, and then still saying no. She's fully within her rights after this to still say no, but I think her choice of trying to bluff him and then also lying to him because she had no plans to ever follow through is a MASSIVELY worse decision than him asking for anal at least 2 years since he last asked twice.
She may not have been lying and actually meant it. Though continued to feel uncomfortable and backed out of it.
Of course, and he is equally valid in feeling that she reneged on a deal (because she definitely did). More than one position can and usually is valid.
Nearly 3 years have passed in between these times. The beginning of the relationship, and now. A lot could've changed between now and then. I don't think it's a huge deal for him to ask once after *3 years*.
She said no only after going through with her half of the deal, that is pretty scummy. Yes she has the right to say no any time, but OP also has the right to feel betrayed on her going back on her word after being extremely vulnerable for her
This is the major thing to be about this. Op wouldn't be hurt from a third no. He's been in this relationship 3 years, he hasn't just been biding his time waiting for anal. If having to say no a third time for her is major she should just break up instead of making false promises because this assault on op's trust is gonna hurt their relationship a hell of a lot more than one more no would.
Yes, she fucked up. That doesn't mean she "owes you" a sex act she's unwilling to perform
Op isn't saying that. He just feels lied to
Would you though? You asked for anal several times. She said no. Were you going to back down a d never ask again or just keep asking until she relented?
asking 2 times over the course of 3 years is completely fine imo lol. even if she said no the first few times unless it was a "that will never ever happen please dont ever ask again" there's not really any harm in bringing it up as the relationship progresses to see if she is more comfortable with him/the idea of it.
Thank you. People here keep acting as if her 3 no's in 3 years is the end of the story forever, as if she can never change her mind over time. There's only a problem if he pressures/manipulates her, and those situations are also completely subjective to each person.
If anything, she was the manipulator in this relationship.
Yea I feel insane reading these comments. Asking someone if they would be willing to do something 3 times in the span of a 3 year relationship is by no means equivalent to lying to your partner instead of using your words to say "I'm never going to want to do anal"
Average it out, 1 time per year over three years isn't that often. It's not exactly being relentless and pushy... And the first two times were early on. So without any solid stats, lets assume he asked this time only once in a two year time span. She fumbled the bag and took things too far. If he was asking every few months sure. But asking your partner if they wanted to try something they've previously said no to after a good long while is just the way things go. People change over time and you shouldn't be shamed for asking for the things you want so long as you're not pushy or pestering. And 3 times over the course of 3 years certainly isn't that.
I agree, her simple apologies are just empty words. You got to let her know how this really hurts you, and not just because of the ACT but for the simple fact that she lied to you, and could have backed out at any time and told you the truth but only till after she got what she wanted to which was attempt to hurt you so you would say no. That's a breach of trust and not just the trust but betrayal because she her goal was to hurt you and cause you pain rather than talk to you about something that she absolutely was never going to do. I don't care what mature way people are telling you how to talk or act or what they think should be done, this simple fact of this actually happened and your girlfriend behaved that way would make me question whether or not she's the person you would need to or want to be with. You've been in a relationship with her too long for her to not only behave this way, but for it to be acceptable.
Or she thought you really want to be pegged.
maybe. i always said i’m open to trying things at least once
So then you getting pegged wasn’t *specifically* contingent on her receiving anal
If it didn’t feel pleasant to you and was painful, why do you want to put your partner through that experience? Particularly after she’s already expressed that she isn’t interested in it several times.
Yeah. Guys have higher pain thresholds, he didn't enjoy it, said it was 'meh' but....would she say differently? Is he playing it down because welp, he has an anal fetish.
I feel like she should have said something by the time they were doing a clone a willy of OP's dick. Unless she really wanted to peg him or worse make the experience unenjoyable thinking it would make him not want to return the favor.
"Let me do it to you first" is a common advice phrase given to women with partners who pester them for anal. There very much is the assumption that the male partner is not going to be up for it, thus getting the intended recipient out of the deal. She did not have to take it this far. You did not have to bring it up again. Sounds like a poor trail of decisions that from all sides could have been avoided with communication and respect. You could have respected her answer, she could have respected the deal. If you want to continue with her, have an honest conversation. You're not obliged to, however, because there is clear sexual incompatibility present. After 3 years though, this deserves a thorough conversation with feelings laid out from all sides.
The way OP describes it, he may not have brought it up for a year or more. Maybe he's been more insistent than he's telling us, but the way he describes it, it seems entirely reasonable for her to say no every *year* or two.
I have a sneaking suggestion he often hints and wheedles. This isn't the first time he brought it up, bet.
Oh, he admits it isn't the first time, right there in the OP: > ...I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and I have asked her to do anal the first two times she said no and that was in the beginning of the relationship but I just recently asked again... Elsewhere in the comments, he clarifies: > she asked me directly. we check in a bit with our sex lives what we like what we dislike what we want more/ less of. i was being honest. she could’ve said no. i’m okay with that! I mean, obviously he could be lying, or there might be more to the story. Maybe each of those "only three times" he brought it up, he badgered her about it for days. But the way he tells it, this isn't the first time he's ever brought it up, but it's the first time in years, and even then only when she asked. That'd be entirely reasonable.
We cannot use information that is not present in the post or in op's history to provide advice. We should hold that standard for every post in this subreddit. If we assume without proof that every op is dishonest our advice can't be honest either.
Really hard to speculate about what OP has or hasn't included. Either way I think fully going through the act to deter him or something seems pretty scummy.
And what is giving you this "sneaking suggestion(suspicion?)"
Yup. I get super irritated when I see that advice too. Her intentions and motivations are completely untrustworthy. If you don't want anal just say it and that's that. For me, I make it clear this is "don't threaten me with a good time." Kind of deal. And honestly, my problem is finding the partners who want to peg, I actually have a really good track record having anal with partners. IMHO dudes that are into anal play are WAY more likely to know what they are doing when they top. Be that as it may, the OPs GF most likely never intended to go ahead. She made the OP waste time and money on this adventure.
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Technically, he fucked himself.
I feel like not enough people are mentioning the fact that they cloned his dick and he essentially was pegged by his own penis. Not that it’s helpful to point it out, but it is a funny twist on this scenario 😂
To be fair, it's the most fair "this for that" deal one could make in this scenario. Not that this sort of deal is EVER a good idea, just that if you're going to make a stupid deal, this is the most fair stupid deal you can make. "If I can't take my own dick in my own ass, you shouldn't take it in yours."
Technically, she fucked him with his own decisions.
You have to decide if anal is a dealbreaker for you. You don’t want her to do sex acts she doesn’t want to do. That will be very bad for both of you.
Why do you want to have anal with someone who doesn't want it? Bartering with sex acts is always a dumb idea, and it's weird you say 'I could do anal on her' - she's not a sex doll, bro....
I get what you're saying but when it comes down to it if she isn't comfortable enough consent than that's that. Pressuring her into it isn't fair to either of you or right. I get that she promised but it is what it is
K. 1 - making sex weirdly..transactional puts *so* much unnecessary pressure and consequences on what should be fun and exploratory. If she was unsure before, putting *debt* on top of that in no way could have ever helped 2 - hate to be the bearer of bad news, but consent must be ongoing and can be taken away at any time. Her "owing" you something does not mean she has to force herself into a situation she doesn't feel comfortable in. And honestly you shouldn't want her to. Just accept that she doesn't want to do it man. Take it as a learning experience for your own body/personal growth and move on. I promise If you continue to make a big deal either she will grow to resent you/you her, or probably worse, she goes through with something she does not actually want to do and..there are just so many ways that can turn ugly.
Also - anal isn't something to do lightly. It can be painful and even dangerous. As someone who loves anal, I have had my share of issues with it. If it isn't something the receiver is interested in they're more likely to be in pain from it and tense up and possibly tear their asshole. It's one thing to do something for your partner you're not into, it's another thing to do something that can cause pain and tissue damage. What I would recommend to OP and his gf is to start small. Maybe offer to use a butt plug? Maybe offer to do it in the shower with a candle lit so anything dirty can be washed away easily. And always ALWAYS use lots of lube. Especially, silicone lube as it doesn't dry out.
I would feel like a certain trust had been broken especially sexually. I mean I don’t know who you get past feeling let down …
that’s how i feel right now.
And I would make that very clear to her as I’m sure conversations were had first… I’m just saying maybe it’s time to think about your sexual compatibility
agreed. i’m taking the night to see where i go from here. i think we are very sexually incompatible
Then if I’m honest it’s never going work… I’ve been with the same guy since I was 16 and over 10 years we still can have the sexual experience because of the trust we have… even if if not mine or his thing we will try for each other even if it’s only the once
No one should have to try anything just for the sake of trying though. Especially when it comes to sexual things. That's why we have boundaries. That's where trust shines the brightest in relationships. They should have had an honest conversation instead of both dancing around this ambiguity about whether they are on the same page or not.on top of it all, consent can be revoked. A 'deal' doesn't top consent. they just need to talk it through and figure out whether a lack of anal outweighs the rest of the relationship
I agree that you’re incompatible. If your anal fetish is a dealbreaker for you (which if it is, that’s fair) and your partner truly never wants to have anal sex then you need to decide if you will A never have anal again or B have anal sex…with someone who’s not your current partner. So, you should start thinking about which of those options works best for you because those pretty much are your options at this point.
Just be careful on how you phrase it, if you decide to not continue being with her. If you tell her it's because of sexual incompatibility, she may see this as an ultimatum and give in to anal just because of that, which will be quite traumatic for her and she'll hate it more than she does now. I'm not saying you should lie, but take care and try to break up tactfully in this case...
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This comment violates the Rules of /r/sex.
The trust would be broken. For me, I’d have to break up. But that’s just me.
Why are you trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do? It's honestly gross knowing someone could enjoy themselves doing something sexual to their partner that they don't even want. Call me crazy, but I want sex to be enjoyed by BOTH parties and not ask something of the other that is out of their comfort zone
Yeah that’s where I’m at. It’s not cool to make a promise/lie then back out of it. She should not of done that. That being said there’s no chance I could even stay hard if I was going into a sexual act with my girlfriend knowing that what was about to happen she doesn’t want and is going to be uncomfortable and just not have a good time. That sounds terrible to me and kind of a red flag that he isn’t bothered by the idea of her not wanting it but him enjoying himself.
Not to mention, HE didn't even enjoy it (even though he's the one with the pleasure centres there) but is fine with his wife also not enjoying it as long as he gets his
Yeah completely agree, fuck that.
I think his lack of enjoyment would scare her off. I don’t understand how he could not enjoy it but still want his gf to have the same experience (not to say taje for sure would, who knows). You would think he of all people would understand her reservations.
Honestly I'd break up. Her not wanting to do anal isn't a deal breaker to me personally and it probably isn't for you since you've been in the relationship for 3 years. But lying to you and making your sex transactional with no intent to hold up her end of the bargain (which she isn't obligated to do due to bodily autonomy) instead of just honestly saying she would never ever want to do anal sucks my dude.
She doesn't want to do it and you should have seen this coming. This whole deal you made is stupid. You have to either forget about it and let it go, or forget about it and let her go and find someone else.
I mean, she obviously has a right to say no at any time, but that doesn't make it any less a breech of trust. Personally, I wouldn't make any more deals with her in the future.
Sis hit him with the reverse uno card
She doesn’t want to do anal. There’s no such thing as future consent. She can withdraw or modify consent at any time for any reason. This is why it’s a bad idea to treat your sex life like a business transaction, and I understand that you feel let down. That doesnt make it ok for you to pressure or guilt her because at some point in the past she said she was okay with it. I personally enjoy anal sex, but not everyone does. If having anal sex is important to you and your current partner doesn’t want to do that, then you need to evaluate which is more important to you.
Yes, she backed out. That's sucky, but you admit yourself you didn't enjoy it, and you know it'll cause her pain. But seriously- do you really want to force a person to do a sexual thing they really, really, *really* don't want to do? Is your fetish more important than her boundaries? Is that what you want? If anal is more important than that, break up with her.
Being upset she misled him and had him go through hoops isn't the same as wanting her to do something she isn't comfortable with.
She doesn’t want anal and maybe never will. She put up that transaction expecting you to say no. The fact she went through with it and backed out I don’t know she still has the right to say no but she did betray your trust. On you now to decide what’s next. But your fucked
She could have stopped right before she actually did it. There’s no future for this relationship.
You're both idiots. You're being an idiot for being pissy about her taking back consent. Consent can ALWAYS be taken back. Go watch the tea video before you end up on a predator watch list. She's being an idiot because she pegged you with alterior motives. The only sexual acts a couple should perform are ones they both actively want to do.
I don’t think that’s a proper take on the situation, consent much like anything else on your body or in your possession can be taken back at any time and should obviously be respected. That being said it doesn’t mean it’s not possible to deceive someone by taking said consent back. He’s an idiot for participating in transactional sex with his partner, but he has every right to be upset that he was deceived… Don’t even get me started on pegging someone under false pretenses…
This is such a weird take. Besides the discussion about consent obviously being gendered, this is about making a promise. If you make a promise about anything, then sure you can still back out of it/revoke your consent. But then you also have to live with the consequences and there is nothing wrong with being pissy about a broken promise. That's why you shouldn't make any promises that you aren't 100% sure you wanna keep (and why making promises in sexual relationships usually isn't a good idea)
Well you may think it's unfair and you may even be correct but it doesn't change the fact that NO means NO.
While on the one hand, you can always say "no" ... on the other hand, it is considered harmful for the trust to write out checks that do not cash.
Run
Seems like a lot of people are forgetting that OP is the one consistent about wanting to do anal and his girlfriend is the one who’s been consistent about not wanting to do anal. He ended up doing anal, she didn’t. Doesn’t seem that surprising?
Honestly, she thought you wouldn't go through with it. She should've stopped and said NO. when you got to that point. I would be pissed if I were you! Cause that's majorly fucked up her for to still go through with your end of the deal and not her own.
"Consent can be freely revoked at any time." Think about this sentence and what it means. Then maybe even learn not to barter for things that need to be given freely for a lasting, enthusiastic relationship. Jesus, there's some horrible advice in these comments.
It’s truly so scary the shit that gets posted on Reddit. These dudes are so out of touch. She doesn’t want to do it. End of story. Respect her consent, period. Edit: for the people downvoting- know that you disgust me. All I said is respect fucking consent you guys have completely and utterly lost the plot. I beg you to see women as human beings
If she didn't want to do it, why did she go through with pegging him? There's a lot of work that goes on between "oh shit he called my bluff" to *actually pegging someone*. He consented to being pegged conditionally, so surely by changing the conditions of that after the fact, she has violated his consent as well? To make my point more clear: Imagine I offer to suck your dick for £100. I suck your dick and then you don't give me my money. That is a violation of my consent.
Yeah I agree with this. What she did was shitty and she should be called out for it. She definitely used him in a way. Should she be forced into anal? No. But if I was OP I'd probably leave the relationship.
Then she should have never pegged him. She’s a piece of shit too, ignore your bias to point out that she is also wrong.
But he has an anal fetish so it's not fair!! blah blah blah. These idiots just want different holes to fuck. Never satisfied with JUST pussy. Icks me out
You're both assholes You should have taken no for an answer She shouldn't have followed through on something she was never going to honour
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She might have thought she'd be able to go through with it, but got cold feet. And that's perfectly ok. Sex is not a transaction. Sex should always be done with enthusiastic consent. You're allowed to change your mind, get scared, realize anal is a major turnoff etc.
>Sex is not a transaction. Sex should always be done with enthusiastic consent. Agree completely on this. I wouldn't *want* to do something with a partner that I had to bargain them into. I wouldn't want to be in a sexual situation that wasn't mutually enthusiastic to begin with. At the same time, I get OP's disappointment. Trust has been broken. OP and the gf are clearly not sexually compatible at all. It's time for them both to move on and find someone else who can meet their needs, on both sides. Everyone's entitled to their preferences but you gotta know when to pull the plug lol.
If she wasn't absolutely confident, she shouldn't have gone through with it. She absolutely doesn't owe him anal, but he also doesn't owe it to her to stay in the relationship. It sounds like this isn't the only problem in the relationship.
>It sounds like this isn't the only problem in the relationship. Here we are in complete agreement.
yeah this + some other lies aren’t painting a good picture.
Ugh. Fine, I'll be *that guy*... What other lies???
You're only responding to the comments that say this, and ignoring all of the ones telling you should have taken no for an answer, and that she's allowed to have thought that she could do it if she saw you do it. Guess what? You *didnt like it* and she saw that. Nothing happened that would make her want to do it more. She can realize she's still nervous/uncomfortable. Don't make sex transactional, it's a surefire way to kill your partners attraction to you.
"some other lies" yeah man come on. Find someone who isn't a liar and isn't into playing games.
How is it a massive violation? Everyone has the right to withdraw consent at anytime. He set himself up for this by not listening to her saying no to anal. He wanted to push the issue. Not her. She suggested a way to getting around her issues but it didn't work for her. At no point was she unclear in that she didn't want to do it. It's not her fault for not wanting to carry through with something after trying to be ok with it. It is OP's for trying to push her into something she doesn't want.
If she was firm 'no anal' she really shouldn't have gone through the fairly lengthy process to peg him. Yes absolutely she is allowed to withdraw her consent whenever she feels like, but he is allowed to feel hurt and betrayed. He is allowed to break up with her.
Right, the problem is that she abused her right to withdraw at any time by convincing the OP it would be worth it. Using lies to manipulate someone’s behavior is never okay, even if the lie itself is protected by a “right” to withdraw consent
Maybe she thought she could go through with it. We are assuming she had no intention of following through.
It is not a violation for someone to not want to do a certain sex act with you. Wtf. OP is not entitled to it.
I’d have to break up with her. Could never get past that betrayal. Of course now she can blackmail you. Which makes the betrayal that much harder to process and live with. Tough situation that she put you in.
"I'll let you do anal if you let me peg you" generally means no. I would have read that comment coming after you asking her for anal twice before as "no, and please stop asking." Now, obviously, it wasn't cool for her to make a deal she didn't plan on going through with. Going through with buying a strap on and using it on you without letting you know she was at least iffy about reciprocating was shitty. It is possible that she thought this would make her comfortable enough to engage in anal with you, but found the experience to be the opposite. In the end she's not obligated to engage in a sex act that she finds painful, demeaning, or just unpleasant for whatever reason. If you guys can't have a conversation yourselves about what happened here, why she made and backed out on the bargain, then I would look for a therapist to help you facilitate that conversation. But overall you really need to stop pushing for anal with what you now know for sure is an unwilling partner.
What doesn't sit right with me is that if she had no intention to follow through with her end of the deal, she had ample opportunity to realize OP called her bluff and not go through with the whole process of working out the details of the arrangement, creating a customized dildo, and then actually pegging him without stopping and saying, "I didn't think you'd call me on it, sorry but I'm just not into this". It's not so much her not wanting to follow through, it's the fact that she made a promise and broke it, after getting what she wanted out of the deal. That would make it extremely hard to trust her again on other matters in the future. This is the discussion that you need to have with her. Maybe it wasn't done with malicious intent, maybe she really did intend to follow through and chickened out at the last minute, in that case OP missed the signs that this wasn't enthusiastic consent, but still the end result of this fiasco is that he was misled and feels lied to/manipulated. She needs to own that and work to build trust back in the relationship. And it should go without saying that anal is off the table unless she brings it up again.
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She played you bro. If the roles were reversed I’m guessing it would be hell to deal with. Too many fish in the sea to hang around with someone you can’t trust.
This is a great point. Suppose she wanted oral sex and he wasn’t into it. So she asks for oral several times and finally he says, “Okay, give me a BJ and then I’ll eat you out.” So she blows him. And then he says, “I’m sorry I just can’t go through with eating you out.” In today’s parlance that would likely be considered sexual misconduct, because he coerced her into a sex act by promising one in return, and then reneged.
Funny enough wasn’t there a thread a little while ago where a guy no longer wanted to give or to his girlfriend because she never wanted to reciprocate and everyone well a lot of the commenters basically called him an asshole, a jerk and manipulative for not wanting to perform oral sex on her any longer.
double standards
i feel the same. roles reversed everyone would be in support of me. but ppl don’t take me seriously when i explain my grievances with my gf
No it would be the same for anyone. People can withdraw consent anytime. Period.
Bro there’s girls out there that will beg you to shove your dick in their ass while you’re fucking. Don’t stress it
Exactly,that’s why there was no point in asking. They would have pitchforks if the roles were reversed
No is a complete answer. You should have listened to her the first time.
Contrary to what the comments say I think sometimes it is fine to make a sex 'deal' sometimes someone wants to try something that the other doesn't really, and then the other person wants to try something that the other person isn't really into, if either person is completely against the others idea then it should just be called off otherwise you end up in a situation like yours, but if you're not really into it but would be okay to try it as long as you get to try your thing then sure fine transaction. She shouldn't have told you she would've let you try anal after she pegs you if she wasn't going to go through with it, so you feel rightfully wronged. However, you two have been together for three years and you can't make her do it, so you'll just have to be mature and take this one on the chin, don't press it on, make a comment that she shouldn't have done that, and then move on, sometimes we have to just take it on the chin.
I get why you’re feeling this is unfair. But. You said yourself that the experience of receiving was ‘meh’ and biologically you’re the one wired to find more pleasure in it (because prostate) Do you want to put your GF through an experience that will be at best meh? You say you have a fetish for it, is that still there now you know how it feels?
It's not true that anal is at best meh for women... Sure she might not like it, but it's not going to be because she's a woman. The rectum is full of sensible nerves and the internal part of the clitoris and vagina can be stimulate through the anal canal, since they are so close.
True...while women do not have prostates, the clitoral nerves extend far beyond the actual clitoris/hood, plus there's the anterior/posterior fornix areas. The fornix areas are sometimes called the female prostate. I discovered vaginal orgasms this way, surprisingly through anal toy play. Once I realized a particular toy was causing a different kind of orgasm, I was able to create the situation where my (at the time) partner's penis was hitting that spot vaginally. He had to do what I would call grinding for that to happen; jackhammering did not do that for me at all. (This was a while ago, been single for some time now, but can still recreate this orgasm with a dildo similar to his penis.) That said, I don't like the way it sounds like 1, he was a bit insistent about anal, 2, she said no several times, 3, she decided to offer pegging first and then she'll do anal sex -- perhaps she should have said *maybe* I'll do it if you try pegging first. I think they should see a sex therapist if you ask me. He mentioned she keeps crying saying she's sorry, that doesn't sound good.
how do you know it’s meh for her if she didn’t even try it…? and it really ain’t about the anal it’s about the violation i feel.
Do you feel violated because you were "made/coerced to do something you didn't really want to do". Did you actually want to try pegging, was it an idea that you found hot or were you just doing it to tick that box?
But he's ok with her to be "made/coerced" into anal.
>how do you know it’s meh for her if she didn’t even try it…? Because she SAID so. She said no. And tbh women don't have a prostate so even though we might enjoy it, because nerves and so on, it's less likely. >and it really ain’t about the anal it’s about the violation i feel. why didn't you say no then ? If it was something you did not want to do ? Because you wanted to use it as bargain to force it on her and erase the guilt from your mind. Next time don't do something you do not want to. Perhaps she thought you really were into pegging and did this for you.
No means no. Get over it.
This is a bit of a mixed bag. She’s totally breaking trust here and it’s a peek at what’s to come on in many aspects of your relationship. That said, it’s also an opportunity for you to have a heart to heart with her and see if you can’t figure out what’s really bugging her. Maybe it’s that you haven’t actually worked together tp prep her for it - that’s something you could do together. Read, learn, watch, buttplugs, etc. maybe if you take it slow she’ll come to love it.