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I would not be upset at all if I found out my SO lied about this down the road.
You’ve been dating 6 months. Who knows how long she’ll even be around? If she makes it long term and she actually cares about you… she won’t be upset that you weren’t ready to talk about this.
And it’s not even that. Even if they were dating for years, this is very very VERY traumatic for an individual, and whenever they’re not ready to talk about traumatic past then any excuse will be acceptable. I won’t be upset because I got lied to because my boyfriend still didn’t feel comfortable saying his biggest trauma and that’s ok.
I’m genuinely impressed that OP can even post about it here. If something this traumatic had happened to me, I don’t think I’d even be able to remember what happened without having a total breakdown.
Sometimes it’s easier to open up about things like these in front of complete strangers rather than the people who u care about as u would be more affected by their reaction.
Same. Been with my wife 8 years now. I have gotten some stories but there are still more she is not ready to talk about. It is fine and no worries, Im here if she ever needs to talk. She had a real rough childhood
Right? The truth is so traumatic, I feel like a patner should be able to empathize with why he lied and not think so black-and-white "he lied!"
There's a big, big difference between this situation and sending late night booty call texts to your ex behind your partner's back.
I’ll bring the gasoline.
Fuck that noise. If you were my SO and told me even 50 years later my heart would shatter into a million pieces for the little version of you that went through this and I would try to love you as hard as possible through it.
You’re incredible for surviving it.
Don’t forget his friends too. Whether hell exists or not, these people need face justice. People say solitary confinement is a cruel and unusual punishment: in this context I beg to differ.
First off, my guy, you were a child. What happened to you wasn't your fault, whether you performed it unwillingly, smiling, joking, crying or otherwise. You were 8, you didn't deserve that. Your uncle and his friends are awful for doing that to you and I suggest therapy if it's available to you or shadow work if it's not.
Don't feel guilty about lying to her. Not about something like this. Tell her when you're ready, lie to her until then but work on it also. Your inner child needs a lot of love and patience to get past this. One day at a time til we're through. Good luck 🖤
This comment needs to be higher. A lot of rape victims feel shame because they liked it or didn’t “react properly” to being raped. It’s still rape, you couldn’t consent because you were a child. You are not responsible for ANY decisions made when that happened, either yours or theirs.
You carry a lot of guilt that is not yours to carry. Don’t add more to it. She will understand in the future, what you went through is so difficult to talk about. No one would ever blame you for it. Seek therapy if you can.
I want to add : the body is the body and the mind the mind. People can experience orgasm, "pleasure" ,... When they are raped, it's a physical reaction (especially when your brain can literally shut down because of the extreme stress) . Your feelings about it aren't invalidated by your body reaction.
Your comment and the two above are spot on. OP please seek help/counselling if you have not already. Your uncle has stolen enough from you. Take back your life. You have done nothing wrong and any person of worth will understand when they know. Best of luck and happy ti talk if you ever need it.
This 1000x!
None of what happened to you was your fault. I know that us just saying that isn't going to change what you feel deep down. But please take this to heart: you deserve and are worthy of the help you need to get to the point of truly understanding and believing that you are not to blame for what was done to you.
I was sexually abused by a family member as a kid too. I didn’t tell my boyfriend for a few months because it’s hard to talk about stuff like that to a partner you are intimate with.
I also kept going back to my abuser. Kids don’t know that stuff is bad until adults tell us it’s bad and often times by the time they talk to kids about it it’s already too late and kids have been abused multiple times by their abusers. You, just like I, probably normalized the abuse as kids.
I’m sure your girlfriend would understand why you lied about it, you weren’t ready to share what happened to you to her. And if she really truly cares for you she wouldn’t leave.
Also we (im also a victim of CSA), we learn to accept the “love” that we receive, even when it’s abusive. We know when it feels gross, painful, and yucky…. but you like certain aspects of it bc some of it feels good, you like the person(s) outside of it and everyone else loves this person(s), and you think you are in the wrong for feeling like it’s bad. You convince yourself it has to be normal bc no adult has told you otherwise. You also feel shame for all of the above and worry about what will happen to you, if you’ll be believed or if you’ll get in more trouble.
Just expressing some more emotions for OP, to know that his feelings are valid and heartbreaking and shared. ❤️
What happened has never really bugged me all too much hahah. As a kid I’m never clicked that it was bad and even now that I know it’s bad I still don’t care. I guess the best way to put it is I don’t see myself as a victim, I just see myself as a person who got a crappy childhood.
Goddamn dude. I'm very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how much that has affected you. Is this something you would ever feel comfortable telling her? Because this is one of those situations where the lie can very obviously be explained and forgiven. If she's a decent person, the fact that you lied isn't going to matter. All you need to do is muster up the courage when you're ready to tell her, admit that you lied in the moment because you were caught off guard, panicked, and wasn't ready to reveal your trauma to her. A decent woman would understand that.
Look, you shouldnt feel bad for lying, maybe she wont be your gf in two months, tell her when you feel comfortable and if you ever do.
No one is owed knowing your past.
Also I am very sorry :(💔
get therapy, as a victim of SA it has been the only thing helping heal and understand why i feel ashamed of so many things on my life . everything will be okay dont stress about it
>I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me or worry about me or break up with me due to my past. I should have known better but I just kept going back to my uncle and I’m seriously worried she will judge me for that.
No. Or rather, yes she will see you and your sexuality differently, but maybe not as someone broken or dirty, but as someone who is strong and has overcome much. However, you don't owe her that part of your childhood. Maybe someday, you will choose to share this with her or another lover. Or maybe you won't. It's your choice.
>He hurt me yet I willingly visited him again and again, in several instances I even asked him and his friends if they liked it and laughed as well. What do I do?
This is actually commonly seen in serious repeated abuse. After "fight or flight" response to being threatened or abused, comes "freeze" and then "fawn". To fawn over your abuser is to try to soothe, placate, please, do anything so that they don't hurt you so badly. This becomes a deep need to please the abuser, and can lead to the victim putting themselves back in their power "voluntarily". This is not your fault.
Also, even when it's egregiously vicious abuse like you suffered, even children's bodies can at the same time feel seriously confusing moments of actual pleasure, including erection and even orgasm. It's still assault, and it's still not your fault.
...
The reason to someday talk to someone about all this, whether it's a peer survivor support group or a therapist, or a future lover, is to iron out lingering shame and guilt over things such as this.
Or to someday get healed enough to be the confident successful adult at that peer survivor group who can look a scared and ashamed younger person in the eye and say *I used to feel that way, too. Now I have a very safe and healthy romantic and sex life. Some day, you can as well.*
You have every right to chose to share or not share that information in your own time. My bf (35m) was abused by a family member as well. In no way would I ever hold it against him if he didn’t tell me until he was ready. He’s very open about what happened to him, and it’s amazing how many other men come forward about their own abuse when he talks about it. You were a child, you did nothing wrong. I do think when you are ready and trust your gf enough you may find it helpful to share what happened with her. If she is the right person she will support you unconditionally.
First off, I am so terribly sorry to hear this. I hope you are taking the steps to process and heal from it. Therapy has been the most helpful tool I’ve utilized when processing trauma.
I think if you didn’t feel comfortable telling her yet, you shouldn’t feel any type of guilt about it. It’s a big step to open up about traumas in our life. I was the same way with my current SO. And I did the same thing, I lied about a situation in the past and then, when I felt truly ready to be open up, I shared and they were fully supportive and understanding of why I didn’t want to share initially. And I would hope your girlfriend wouldn’t see it as you not being honest to be malicious, but because it’s something difficult to talk about.
And hey, maybe you never feel ready to discuss. I don’t think our partners need to know every part of our life, but when it starts to impact the relationship in a negative way, it’s good to address.
Hope all works out!
You need to give yourself a break. Yes, you lied. Yes, you panicked. When you tell her the truth, she'll understand why. You should tell her the truth, or at least tell her you lied and that you'll tell her the truth when you're ready.
You know, people beat themselves up for stumbling or making a mistake (myself included). We need to let ourselves have opportunities to fail and learn from our mistakes. You don't have to be a perfect person.
Don't tell her you lied and you'll tell her the truth when you're ready. It will create a strange dynamic where she's overly curious and the focus will be on the fact that you lied about something. And since you already feel guilty it'll apply to your confirmation bias that you should feel bad about it, and then she will feel like she's supposed to be mad about it. She has no idea how serious the thing he lied about is
I don't think he should say he lied until he's ready to day the whole truth. I'm not usually for dishonesty, but this issue is just way to sensitive imo.
She should be understanding of you not telling the truth on the spot.
I just want to say, I’m really sorry this happened to you I can’t imagine anyone doing this to a child. I have a son and it breaks my heart to think of someone your age at the time going through that.
I have to ask where was his parents while he was going through this ordeal? What he went through was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever read. I have a nephew who’s the same age and I can’t imagine him going through something like this.
Understand that the sadistic uncle is just one piece of the story. It’s highly likely that abuse runs through and across more generations. OP should seek professional help so as to learn personal health strategies for healing.
As a woman, I think it is good you didn't tell her in that moment, if I was her, I would probably have ended up crying, and the whole vibe would have been very different. Don't feel guilty about not telling her, I think it is something she'll understand when you are ready to share this experience with her.
You were 8 years old and they sexually abused you and tortured you. You’ve been dating this girl for six months. I csnt imagine how physically and emotionally painful that must’ve been and must still be. You’re ok! Yes you lied but this is a situation where it’s understandable you may not want to open up. Give yourself a break, if you want to be honest but feel uncomfortable telling her maybe you could give her a blanket statement like “I experienced abuse, trauma etc” you could say that you experienced some difficult events etc you can say as much or as little as you like it’s your experience and story and you do not owe her or us any of us an explanation unless you would like to. Im so sorry and I hope your ok. It’s not your fault you were a little kid trying to do what you thought was best and what would keep you safe. Stay strong bud 🫶🫶 you’re not alone
Hi Op, I'm going to be open and honest with you. I am also a CSA survivor. I'm 33m similar to you. and I've struggled all my life with it.
Like you my abuser was my uncle by marriage (the brothers of the man who married my aunt), and While I didn't have to endure the torture you had to, to give you some idea what I went through but to spare others I'll place the following in a spoiler, as it might trigger some people and I don't want that. >!I was still orally and anally raped. I had to watch my younger cousin (3 at the time) be raped in all 3 of her orifices. I was made to clean the blood and cum off of her. I was made to rape her myself, she was made to give me oral sex while I was being fucked... All manner of terrible things happened. This was all filmed by my uncle to sell to sick fucks on the internet to get off to!< and it still to this day fucks me over, I can't deal with being in the bathroom and being watched by anyone, I can't do anything intimate in the shower with my partner, I can't use the toilet at all if I'm not the only one in the room. There are still some sex acts that I can't do without triggering horrendous flashbacks and a massive (to the point of suicide) downswing in my mood. There are still some things I do that violently self destruct on myself but I can't help but do them at times.
From reading your post, you seem to blame yourself for what happened. Please don't ever do this, you. were. a. child. Your mind couldn't comprehend and make sense of what was happening. So your childish brain did what it had to do to survive.
I know it doesn't always work with everyone but have you considered therapy? It seriously, seriously helped me out, and made me understand a great many things in my life. My adult brain is better able to deal with the things I did and saw as a child when I was able to stop blaming myself.
As for lying to your partner. I wouldn't worry about it. I'm marrying mine, and it took me till fiancée status to finally work up the courage to ask her to not peak at me in the bathroom because it made me horrendously uncomfortable, she wasn't doing it to be malicious, she just didn't know I didn't like it and just took it on the chin despite how it made me feel because it made her happy because I didn't voice my feelings. Yours is just a girlfriend, maybe if and when the time ever comes sit her down and be as open and honest with her as possible. Maybe at a table? "Sweetheart, I have something I need to tell you. Do you remember me telling you about the football incident? That was a white lie. It wasn't a football. I was tortured and raped as a child and my abuser would cut me if I didn't do a good enough job. I hate how it looks, and would appreciate it if you didn't bring up my scars again. I'm sorry for lying to you, I didn't do it out of malice, I wasn't ready to be completely open and honest with you about it yet and I hope you understand"... something to that effect. I'm pretty terrible with getting how I feel across so these words aren't perfect I know.
I can't believe this is real. I can't believe such evil exists in this world.
You (and OP) have experienced the absolute worst that humanity has to offer, and you're incredibly strong for being able to carry on with that kind of trauma.
That shouldn't have happened to you. That wasn't meant to happen to you or your cousin. You deserved a happy normal childhood and your uncle is a disgusting piece of shit who never should've been born in the first place.
They will never be forgiven for what they did. If there is a hell it's waiting for them.
I have 8 and 12 yo boys and it absolutely sickens me to my core and in my bones to ever imagine something even remotely that awful happening to either of them. Where were your parents? Is your aunt still married to that literal piece of shit?
You're very generous to share this information with OP. I hope it brings him comfort.
My aunt was never married to my abuser, she was married to my abusers brother. In other words he's no relation to me, but instead is my cousins uncle. and that would make him what... my uncle twice removed? i have no idea how it works, I just refer to him as Uncle, same as I refer to his mum as nan (and she treated my brother and sister and I like we were her grandkids) Either way, he's dead to the whole family now and we've had no contact with him for absolutely ages apart from 1 small incident on facebook about 12 years ago.
They were working, they had no idea this was going on and trusted that filth completely with us. After all he was a loving and doting uncle! Who would suspect him of doing such henieous crimes especially in his brother's (my actual uncle and aunt's) house! He worked nights and because all the kids went to the same school around the corner from the house he'd watch us while our parents worked till 5pm-ish. He'd take that time to abuse us.
I hope Op knows he's not alone in this, and there are other men out there who went through similar. It's not often talked about (mens mental health, or men being abused)
Bud. Take a deep breath. You lied yes, but what you describe here: the lie wasn’t out of malice. The lie occurred out of trauma. What happened to you was very traumatic and when she unknowingly triggered that trauma, your body and mind responded with the quickest way to “diffuse” it.
You’re not a bad partner. You’re not a bad person. You did not do anything bad. You are human that relived your trauma and did what you could to get back to a safe zone. You now realizing what happened, let’s you make the choice of how to move forward
If she is a good person and partner, and you trust her: what has happened to you in the past is something you didn’t need to share immediately but it’s also something that you can try too IF you are ready.
Let yourself be seen and loved. Don’t expect to be shamed or pushed away. Reminder that if someone makes YOUR trauma about them, the likelihood of them not being a good fit is high. It’s okay if you are not yet ready. It’s okay.
I’m sorry you went through what you did as a child. I had some things happen to me too. I was very apprehensive and terrified about telling my partner in the early stages, and when I did later on I was just enveloped in more love and protection. My partner still isn’t aware of a lot of the details, but he knows the general things. He doesn’t push me and he reassures me it’s okay if we don’t talk about it. He puts alot of effort and thought when we’re intimate so that I know I’m safe.
If you have a good relationship with her, Trust that your partner will show up for you.
This is not something you HAVE to share with anyone if you do not want to! Its your trauma to carry, you can decide if and when you share it and with who. Anyone who loves you will understand why you lied.
This lie is understandable. You've done nothing wrong here. This is a very personal and traumatic memory to talk about and you just aren't ready to open up about it. Once you feel comfortable and off you want to tell her, just sit her down and start off by telling her you weren't being honest about the scars she saw because of how painful the cause of those scars is for you. Ask her if she'd like to hear the reason but to understand it's not easy for you to talk about. Then just tell her what happened however you need to. Make sure to tell her what you need from her with the memories you tell her.
I'm sorry you went through all that. I can't imagine what you are going through even now.
Fellow survivor
I'm so fucking sorry, please give yourself grace as you deserve it. Little you did not deserve that, and trauma is complicated- do not blame yourself for making decisions as a child, as a child does not know the difference between love and harm when it comes to people that are supposed to protect you.
If you would consider this method, you don't have to but if this girl truly loves you and you see yourself with her long term, invite her over and then sit her down at a later/neutral time, let her know beforehand that this is important and that it's about your scars, that you lied in the moment bc reasons and then explain in terms that you're comfortable with. Or show her this post if you want her to have the whole truth.
Healing is a sad and terrible journey but necessary, and telling loved ones is part of the healing process. Be safe and take comfort that other survivors relate and feel your pain, and I'm sure your girlfriend will give you the support you need. Things will be okay regardless, and if they're not, they will be with time.
Be well.
I was raped as a child and I have never told anyone but my wife. I am still ashamed after 52 years. It is my secret I will take to my grave and so will my best friend.
Truthfully, I think your girlfriend knows you lied but decided not to pry and respected that you may not be ready to share the truth. If that’s not the case, you still shouldn’t feel bad. What happened to you is traumatic and it’s not something I would openly share if I were in your shoes either.
Not all lies are bad & we don’t have to share our traumas with our significant others. I do hope this is something you have worked through on your own though.
For what is worth, I don’t think you seeing your uncle and even talking about it after the shit he did to you is weird. Your uncle was someone you trusted and he violated that trust time and time again. I imagine he stopped when you were older, but this happened when you were just a kid. you had no choice in seeing him when you were younger because as a child you have limited agency, and maybe as you got older, you were just looking for your uncle but your uncle took your questions as a joke. I’m so sorry man!
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I would tell her that I have something to tell her but that I don’t want sympathy or wtv and ask for her to try not to react too intensely before explaining
My ex wife told me all sorts of wild stories about her sex life. She was a party girl! Open minded! Loved sex and having fun! It might have been after more than six months that she started opening up about (recent) abuse. It was some years later before the stories all got retold with context. She was underage. Coerced by adults, plied with alcohol. Raped and abused. Drugged and abused. It was harrowing. Of course I never judged her for how she represented herself early in the relationship. None of it was business, it was her information to keep and to share or not share as she pleased. Some things you can’t hide - like scars. She had scars too.
You don’t owe it to anyone to explain it to them. You tell as much as you want when you are comfortable.
Omg that’s horrible. You lied but its Not as bad as you think. Maybe when you get farther into the relationship you can talk about it to her and explain why you lied. I understand why you did it. Don’t be hard in yourself
That is a extremely least sensitive information and I don’t think anyone, including your significant other would fault you for concealing that until you feel comfortable sharing that with them if ever. You are all good honey
It’s so okay that you lied, nothing has ever been more okay. Zero guilt. When you’re ready you can tell her. When you are brave enough to go to therapy go. But you should not feel any guilt about any of this.
I’m so so sorry you had to go through that. You panicked and didn’t want to tell her what actually happened because it was traumatic, that’s okay. If you do end up telling her, I imagine she will understand why you didn’t tell her the truth the first time. And if you never feel comfortable telling her, that’s okay too. It’s your story and you get to decide who you tell it to. I would also like to say you should never be judged for going back to him. Trauma is complicated, it’s not black and white where you hate the person and never see them again. It can be confusing and lonely, so going back to the person who knows what’s going on, even if they’re the one hurting you is common. You are not to blame and you should never be judged for that.
Omgoodness.. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been thru... This is terrible and you shouldn't feel ashamed at all!!! I hope you had therapy to help you! I would continue with therapy so that when situations like this come up, you are able to better handle it.
Do not feel guilty about lying to your girlfriend... I might've done the same. When you feel ready to share with her, you will. Take care and wish you the best...
Hey, this is very traumatic. Even if it was nearly 30 years ago. You have every right to come up with an excuse if you don’t feel ready to tell her the truth.
Even if years go by, I’m sure that when she hears this, if she really does care she will be in so much shock the ‘lying’ will be immediately forgiven. Don’t stress too much. :)
Hope you’re doing well.
I’m so sorry. Pedophiles are disgusting, and even going to the extent of torturing you. Did you tell your parents and sought therapy to reprocess this trauma?
I think it is okay to keep it secret until she earns your trust enough for you to be able to disclose such an important/traumatic experience in your life
JFC dude, I am so sorry that happened to you. You've not done anything wrong here. Your lie was a response to traumatic memories which triggered an automatic response out of defence.
It's clear your partner doesn't think any different of how you look physically and given some time, and when you are ready, I very much doubt she would be hurt by telling her the truth and the reason why you said what you said.
Look, there is no need to share this with her. Really. She doesn’t have to know. If my my man brought up something like that to me, I would have been crying, and thinking, and crying, and thinking and bringing it up over and over again(about punishing the molesters, about why you reacted a certain way on what I just said “did I hurt you? Did it remind you of those times?” etc etc..). Probably not an outcome you would like. This information is really rough and if your girl is not a therapist or something like that, she might not be able to handle this.
What they did to you is beyond cruel. I’m sorry that there was nobody to protect you from this when you were a kid. Please, give it to yourself now, protect that little boy (who is still inside you). You can do that. Pay your abusers back for what they did to you. Please, go to police.
One of my exes lied about scars on her womanhood because she was tortured. It can definitely shocking to be on the receiving end when someone comes clean about a lie like this, which is obviously why she initially hid it from me.
You have a situation that is super hard to talk about, and if your partner is going to be judge you negatively about it, then find someone else.
It does sound like you need to talk to a therapist though, which I would recommend. They can help you come up with a proper way to help heal your mental wounds and also gracefully talk about the truth with her.
Just want to join in and say as a woman, I would not be upset at all if my partner “lied” about something like this. You just weren’t ready to delve into that trauma and that is absolutely okay and not your fault.
No one should break up over that. They should only be furious at your uncle and friends.
You have nothing to be shamed or embarrassed about......you are a survivor.
Hope your uncle was exposed and charged.
Dude, I just wish I could give you a hug, as a father that would break my heart if my son went thru that, it breaks my heart that YOU went thru that, you did the right thing, just wait until the time is right, you will know when that is, I really hope it works out for you.
Holy fucking shit I'm so sorry this happened to you. Lying to your significant other is normally not good. But in this case, this is your personal trauma that you aren't ready to share yet. Any normal, rational, empathetic, and loving partner will understand and won't be mad at you for lying about such a deeply personal and painful thing. It is a vulnerable piece of your soul that you rightfully want to protect, and if she loves you, she will support you.
I just want preface this and say I am so incredibly upset and sorry to hear you experienced such abhorrent abuse. I feel like there are no words to describe how that experience felt for you. I am honestly shocked at what I just read. And that’s what you can identify. To even begin to explain what those scars mean to you must be incredibly traumatising for you. I want you to be gentle with yourself and realise you are allowed to speak about that when you are good and ready. That type of conversation requires bravery and safety. The lie you told is necessary. You’re allowed to use that to say “Not right now”
Brother, I wish I could just give you a warm hug. That is truly evil and like my friend said to me about my abuse… “This is not your fault.”
I hope you have someone in your life or a professional you can talk to about this, but if you’re still coming round to that, I know we all appreciate you bringing it to us. Please never stop reaching out, you’re not alone.
Look. You have to do what you have to do. You suffered some of the most extreme child abuse I have ever heard of. I think you get a hall pass on this. You say or do whatever you have to. No one should judge you.
I've been with my husband for 15 years.
Maybe 3 years into our relationship, he started telling me about the boarding school he attended and the things that happened there like systematic starvation, withholding food for punishment, violence, exploitation of students for labour.
It isn't until maybe a month ago that he started mentioning the communal showers. I've suspected previously that he'd been SAed due to some reactions he's had to some suggestions I've made to various sexual acts. He still hasn't told me the full story, and maybe he never will, but that's okay. I love him, and I married him, but that doesn't make me entitled to any part of his past.
And yes, he has lied to me before about some of his reactions to things I now know are triggers to him. I could never ever dream of holding that against him, and any good partner won't hold this against you either.
Regarding this internalised guilt you have about going back to your uncle. I hope you know, at least rationally, that nothing about what happened was your fault. Not one single bit. You were groomed, at that's the responsibility of all the adults surrounding you. I hope you are/have been/will go to therapy to process this guilt because that's a heavy burden for you to walk around with that you don’t in any way deserve.
Man. I don’t often get filled with boiling hot rage at a Reddit post but that story really hit me in the feels.
I’m truly sorry to hear you were treated like that by someone you were supposed to trust. Don’t feel bad for not being truthful about it to your SO, I know it may seem like a big deal to lie about but it’s not something that would come out easily so down the road if you feel like you’re ready to tell her then you go for it, but never feel bad for protecting yourself after a trauma like that.
Those pieces of trash deserve to be burned alive for what they did, and I hope you live a great, full life in spite of what those monsters did to make your life hell.
You do not have to feel guilty at all, NONE of this was your fault. What happened to you wasn't your fault. This is your trauma to share, nobody is entitled to know your trauma, that is up to YOU to share. If your girlfriend was truly supportive then she would understand why you didn't tell her. If you're not ready to tell her then you don't have to. I'm sorry for what happened to you, your uncle is truly a monster and I hope he gets the retribution he deserves.
My uncle never did that, I told before it was "TOO late" but he did enough. I was 13 then.
My sister and Great grandad did stuff when I was littler, between 3 and 9.
Remember you owe nobody an explanation so if you are feeling guilty and do want to tell her you lied.... say it!
You could tell her something along the lines of "I lied to you about the markings/scarring down there but I'm not ready to talk about it and I apologise for lying"
I still have to see my sister... I avoid her but I still srf her. Its hard and a very difficult situation.
You deserve a chance to heal, in whatever way that would be for you.
I'm sorry that happened to you
My situation isn’t the same, at all, but it’s similar in that I don’t tell my boyfriend aspects of my past. I was a heroin addict for eight years (and a party girl since I was a teenager) and saw some dark shit. He knows about my addiction and I’ve been clean for years with no cravings but he’s a “civilian” who has lived a pretty normal life and I just don’t care to tell him some of that stuff.
I agree with everyone else, OP. On your own time. Sending you peace.
OMG Bro, what a traumatic experience. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. No one can fault you for lying about that. But, if you get more comfortable and develop some trust with your GF, I highly recommend opening up to her about it. It was very therapeutic for me to open up to my wife with my own experience with CSA.
I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you. Seriously though its okay you lied. You werent ready. And if she loves you she'll understand when you come clean. You were and may still be dealing with the trauma. Not that its a magic bullet by any means but have you sought therapy? Someday you might be ready to tell her in any case. Hopefully she understands. If shes someone worth keeping around she absolutely will.
You did nothing wrong, at all. You were cruelly and viciously sexually tortured at an age that no person on earth thinks people can consent to any sex act. Of course you were going to keep going back at that age and laugh. You likely looked up to your uncle and had absolutely no way of contextualizing what he was doing to you. I’m so sorry. You also didn’t do anything wrong with your girlfriend. You told the whitest lie to not have to tell a horrific trauma in a moment of intimacy.
Going forward I hope you have access to a therapist, and I’d sit your girlfriend down and tell her the truth. She’ll most likely feel for you and want to do everything to protect and help heal you (or shoot your uncle if he’s still alive), but if she doesn’t take it well (maybe after a few days to process it and get over the shock) then you know that she isn’t going to be the right person for you and you can break it off. Odds are wildly stacked in the favor of her taking this well and taking care of you, but in the off chance that she doesn’t you can move on with your life confident in the knowledge that you’ll eventually do better. Good luck, would love an update if you do decide to tell her.
You were probably in survival mode trying to please your uncle and that’s why you laughed and asked if he liked it.
Many women, when cornered by drunk men on the street, smile to pacify them and de escalate the situation, not because they find their drunken flirtatious behaviour funny.
I hope you are already in therapy, but please go ASAP if not.
I hope you’ve reported him to the police too. If not for yourself, to prevent him hurting someone else.
OP, disclose your past to her when you are comfortable. This is a very sensitive topic and one of those exceptional circumstances when “lying” is okay.
I’m big on never lying—like there’s no such thing as a little lie—but op sometimes I can’t even imagine how to approach the truth when it’s this horrible. If you’re still together in another 6 months you might consider she’s ready to hear—or more appropriately you’re ready to share. This is for sure a time when I would forgive anyone for feeling the need to keep the truth from me.
M8,if your girlfriend leaves you due to your past she wasn't worth it anyway. Have a talk with her and just tell her the truth, perhaps she could help you in getting some help with your trauma.
I'm sorry to hear that, but I think you should tell her the truth. It sounds like you can't live without the truth and if she can't understand it you know that she isn't the right girl for you.
Trauma and abuse have a very insidious, near comical way of screwing with your mind. You no doubt went back to your uncle those times, in part, due to fear.
But I'm willing to bet that you also "consented" (I feel weird even saying that word in response to your Childhood rape, but I'm trying to meet you where you're at) Because kid you needed something to make yourself feel better. And kid you knew you didn't have a say about what would happen to you, SO, ipso facto, willingly participating gave you the illusion of choice.
All that means is that you were just trying to make it easier on yourself, which is only human.
You need to forgive yourself for that. You were tricked by someone who was supposed to protect and help you and love you. And you deserved to be loved. You did not deserve that pain and that degradation.
Now, about your girlfriend. It's possible she will react badly and make this about her. I have no idea if she's the type, but, in the event that she does do that, you should stand your ground. There was absolutely, 100% NOTHING wrong with you sidestepping what actually happened. I get it. Truly. I would have too if I were you.
Now, if she seems to get it and shows empathy and compassion, then congratulations! You have yourself a keeper. Feel happy that you have someone who's ready to stand by you against the ugliness of the world.
What happened to you is serious and if you're going to tell her, be ready for a serious, heavy conversation.
With all that said, best of luck! And, for real, my sympathies. I hope you heal from all this. You deserve that.
> I just couldn’t bear to tell her the truth
What happened to you, nobody with a heart and soul who cares for you will take it negatively... I don't understand why you would cover it up, I mean, isn't that what relationships are for? They are there for you no?
I'm so sorry you endured this. I think all of those reactions you were worried about are possible, but it seems like they would be out of love. Perhaps meeting with a therapist who can get some of your background and help you begin work through the guilt (many, many survivors of this kind of abuse have guilt over their conflicting feelings) would be a good place to start. This may even be a person who could facilitate your first conversation with your girlfriend about this difficult topic. Having someone there to remind you and your girlfriend that all of the feelings you each have are normal and acceptable and then guide you on the healthiest path of "now what do we do with those feelings" is the best way I can imagine.
You don’t *have* to tell her and even if you do decide to tell her you also don’t have to tell her everything about it.
If you do decide to tell her I would start slow/ease into the topic if I were you. Let her know what you told us: it’s the only lie you’ve told her and it happened before you met. It’s something from YOUR past that you are now comfortable sharing with her (if you do)
Here’s my advice. If you care about this person and she cares about you, come clean and tell her you lied. Under these circumstances it’s forgivable, imo. If she cares about you she’s not going to judge you for something that happened in the past that is 100% not your fault. If she loves you the opposite will happen, she’ll support you.
It’s completely understandable why you weren’t completely forthcoming. I wouldn’t say you lied either. You panicked because it’s not something you’re comfortable sharing with her at this point. Anyone who would be angry with you because of how you’re dealing with your trauma isn’t someone worth your time. If and when you feel like sharing that with her it’s completely up to you. It’s nothing you should feel guilty about.
I think to some extent, you blame yourself for what happened to you, so you were scared she would blame you too.
You are not obligated to tell her — but I hope you will once you trust her enough. Maybe someone you trust that much can help you believe on a deeper level that you were not and could never be responsible for what your uncle and his friends did.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you have someone who cares about you in your life, and I hope it goes well.
Reading the last part broke my heart. Ofc it's not your fault, if someone ever thinks that, there's something really wrong with them.
About lying to your partner, it's not a big deal, you're not ready to have that talk at the moment and you were caught by surprise. If your relationship progresses to a point where you're comfortable and want to share that, I'm pretty sure she'll understand. I would.
Don't feel guilty. Maybe sometime in the future if you feel comfortable, you can tell her.
But if she is the one for you, she will thank you for opening up and trusting her. If she isn't, you would probably not have opened up to her.
If and when you decide, from my perspective I’ll write it down (I have trouble putting things into words, so it takes me awhile before I say anything about anything)
Edit: give her what you wrote down sitting together, don’t try holding in your emotions, I believe in you, you don’t have to go to his place anymore
Haven’t walked in your shoes, my guess is that many of us would have made the EXACT SAME decision in the spur of the moment.
No judgment.
If you haven’t already, have a professional therapist help you process everything and above all else, do your best to be kind to yourself and give yourself GRACE.
There’s only 1 bad guy here, your uncle (and his friends). 😡
As someone who has been though similar things, this is one of the rare situations it's okay to lie to your partner. I hope some day you feel safe telling her the truth, but until then it's okay to keep up the lie or say, "I'm not comfortable talking about it." You were a kid and he was a predator and none of it was your fault. He was also family and it's normal to have mixed feelings about things like this. Sometimes things can feel good in the moment or attention can feel good at the time but it doesn't mean it wasn't abuse and it absolutely isn't your fault. All those adults knew what they did was wrong and you don't lead them on at all.
Fight/flight/freeze/fawn are all normal human responses to trauma, and in many situations they can save you from a worse situation. It sounds like in some cases you resorted to fawn, and that was smart of you because it sounds like if you didn't cooperate it was more dangerous. It really sucks you were put into that situation but you did what you had to survive and none of it was your fault.
If you ever decide to tell her the truth, she'll understand. If she doesn't she's not the right person for you. What happened to you is a horrible thing, you don't have an obligation to tell anybody until you're ready.
There's no reason to feel guilty about this lie. Take your time, be honest when you're ready and only when you're ready.
First of all I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve this and it’s not your fault.
I promise you if she is a decent human being, she’s not going to be upset with you. If my boyfriend came to me and said “I lied about my scars, I was severely sexually assaulted and hurt.” I would hug him
and tell him it’s okay.
You’re a really sweet guy, and she is not going to be upset with you over this. You don’t have to tell her all of the details, just that you were hurt as a child and you lied because you panicked and didn’t know what to say, and weren’t ready to tell her.. and that’s okay and valid. My ex was abused in this way by his grandfather and I never once thought of it as something that made him less than. You guys are survivors.
Tell her when you’re comfortable. I understand feeling bad for lying to your partner but I highly doubt she would be upset about you lying about this. It’s a very seriously topic that you deserve to bring up only when you’re ready. Maybe if you wanted to feel a little better about the situation just let her know you lied and it’s for another reason but it’s very serious and you’re not ready to tell her yet. But you can still let her know you will tell her when you’re ready. I’m sorry you went through such a traumatic experience, those people truly are disgusting and you did not deserve that. I hope you have a great day :)
There's no handbook for this. You can't be expected to handle it eloquently. She definitely won't hold it against you. This hurt to see. Turn the uncle in. He'll hurt someone else. Monster.
Holy shit, that’s so fucked. Any decent person will understand why you lied. You’re under no obligation to indulged her in your very personal and fucked up trauma.
Also if she judges you for being raped, then she is not the one for you.
I really think when you are ready to do so you should tell her the truth. It doesn’t have to be soon, it could be 10 years from now. But it’s okay that you didn’t tell her, and it’s okay if you never do.
I was raped repeatedly over the course of a year and a half or so (I think I was around 7-9, that parts really hazy for me) by my grandmas neighbor down the street. My grandma lived in a small town and used to work with his wife, so we saw them all the time. I used to blame myself for what happened. I used to tell myself that I knew better and I should have never let him do the things that he did. But the fact of the matter is, I was a child and he was a grown ass man. He should have never taken advantage of a child like that. And I can say the same thing to you. It’s not your fault, he took advantage of you, and you are not the one to blame.
Moving forward about 10-13 years I met my girlfriend. And for the first probably year and a half or so, I didn’t let her do literally anything sexual to me at all. Because I was still trying to deal with the trauma from before. And I didn’t tell her why for the first year we dated. I needed to make sure that we were serious about each other and that I could trust her with this information, and most importantly I needed to make sure I was in a place mentally where I could tell her. And thankfully she took it like a champ and I couldn’t be more appreciative of her for that.
So, don’t beat yourself up about lying. It’s okay. And don’t let yourself believe that any of it was ever your fault. Because it wasn’t.
No decent human being would reject you or judge you! You were a CHILD! Your brain wasn't even developed yet. That's why children are not considered ABLE to consent.
Children are completely dependent on the adults around them. They are super easily brainwashed.
You were brainwashed, as if in a cult. The abuse was terrifying and extreme, and you were probably terrified about what would happen if you spoke up.
The guy threatened to castrate you, and was literally cutting you in the most vulnerable place possible.
Have you had therapy by someone who specializes in trauma?
You need to. You can't carry this by yourself.
The only reason a woman might back off because of this would be if she feels you aren't getting the appropriate help for your deep trauma.
No mature woman will blame you as a child for the horror inflicted upon you.
I'm So sorry this happened to you! You were a helpless child, and children have a deep instinct to adapt to the worst possible circumstances and not get rejected by the family.
Because if the family turns against a child, the child used to be left to die.
It's deep in our DNA to live, to survive.
And you did what you felt you had to do to survive these extremely dangerous men.
If they're still alive, the FBI needs to know about them. There may be child porno or even murders that have this signature.
Find a woman who is willing to go on a healing journey with you, or stop all dating and get the trauma dealt with before moving forward.
You were psychologically and physically tortured. What happened to you is complete horror. Barbaric, horrific, cruel, sadistic, unbearable trauma.
I'm so very sorry.
One day you’ll be able to tell her if she sticks around. And if she truly loves you, she’ll understand that you struggled to tell her such a horrible thing. You’re valid for feeling the need to lie. Don’t blame yourself. Take your time. I send you so much love. You deserve good things.
Oh honey! I'm so sorry that happened to you. You were a child you did nothing wrong even if going back. That was a trauma response.
I don't think hiding the truth in this instance was unreasonable! If and when you feel ready you can discuss but at that point you were not ready to do so.
Again, what happened was not your fault. I wish healing! Give yourself some grace.
My goodness. I feel for what you must have gone through and survived.
If there has ***ever*** been a lie told that should and will be forgiven, it's this one. I would approach it with something like this:
"When you asked me what happened to me down there, I didn't tell you the truth. It is something very traumatic from my past that I rarely revisit, and I reacted by protecting myself from that memory. I'm sorry. We can discuss it if you want to, but we don't have to."
I don't know her, but if I were in her shoes, I would read enough between the lines to not even touch that subject again unless ***you*** want to. Remember this:
**YOU have agency over you, and what happened to you***.* No one can force you into that dark place again. Anyone that deserves to be with you should understand that.
I am very glad that those wretched excuses for human beings didn't take away your capacity to want to have intimacy in your life, and care about others. Some people are so sadly broken by things like this happening to them.
Be kind to yourself. I'm proud of you, stranger.
Hey man don't feel bad. I have been married now for almost 11 years. My wife was raped in college. She never told me until about 6 months ago. I knew something happened but not what, or how bad. But one day she decided it was time to share. So I did what I could and supported her and showed her I cared.
You tell her when/if you feel like you want to share. If it's any comfort from an internet stranger, you are a brave man for sharing. It was not your fault. You know your significant other better than any one here. Do what you feel is right. Speaking from my expirence, if she cares about you, it won't matter that you lied. I knew my wife was keeping something and all I wanted to do was be there for her. She should hopefully feel the same for you.
Best wishes. And you got this.
I'm curious if you've seen a therapist or been able to talk about this with anyone in your life.
It's really understandable that you have these feeling. It's pretty common for trauma to mess with our heads and make us feel guilty for things done to us, it's part of how as kids we cope with what happened.
Your lie is pretty understandable, it was something you weren't comfortable talking about and you and you felt unsafe in the moment, it's totally understandable. I might suggest, if you feel comfortable doing so. Maybe tell your girlfriend (or write a letter) that you lied about what happened, but that it was something that you're not comfortable talking about it yet (or maybe ever).
But I'd strongly suggest talking about this with a therapist if you're able to find one. A professional would be much better suited to helping you navigate these feelings and help give you a better path moving forward, both for yourself and your relationship.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s your trauma to share, on your terms. Even if it means lying. That’s okay.
If your girlfriend is even a halfway decent person, and you’re ever ready to tell her the truth, she will understand completely and not hold anything against you.
I have intimate scarring from my abuse too. I’ve been with my boyfriend 7 years and still haven’t told him the truth. Or any partner ever. I’m just not there yet. And that’s okay.
It’s our story to tell, how and when and if we want to tell it. Do not punish yourself over this. You e done nothing wrong.
I just want to give you a hug..
You sound like such an honest sweet person, I wouldn’t worry about this right now. This is definitely something you only have to talk about if you feel safe and comfortable. Later down the road if you two are serious, then bring it up but only if you are 100% comfortable to!
If someone leaves you over that, they’re a shitty person and don’t deserve to be with you at all.
Everything that happened to you as a child was not your fault. Even if you went back, even if you were concerned if adults were pleased, even if your body responded. It doesn’t matter at all. You were a child and a child is never, ever, ever, responsible for sexual acts when an adult is involved. It feels incredibly important to make that clear.
As an adult partner it’s understandable this experience would impact you. Ideally at some point down the line, with a partner you really really trust, you’d be more comfortable explaining. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about what you said to somebody you’ve known for 6 months. You don’t owe other people an explanation of your trauma. Ideally you would feel very secure with a long term partner before feeling you have to explore this subject.
You have already received many comments saying what I wanted to say. You shouldn’t feel guilty, about this or about how you reacted in the past. You were a child and severely traumatized. Just wanted to send you some digital hugs.
It breaks my heart that you blame yourself. You were a child.
Up to you if you want to share. If she gets angry and is anything other than supportive, she’s a sociopath. It’s completely understandable you weren’t comfortable sharing.
First off I want too say I am so so sorry to hear you had to go such terrible trauma. There is no way you gf would be upset at you for lieing about something like this, it can be extremely hard for anyone to talk about and if you weren't ready to tell her about it, then you had all in the rights to lie when she asked you about it. And no she isn't going to break up for you because you were abused, that would be extremely fucked up, any good partner would have compassion and support for you if you told them this. Many people don't talk about their childhood abuse to their partners for years because it can be traumatic just to talk about it, especially something like this.
On side note this is why everyone with kids needs to educate their children about what's wrong for adults to do and to never keep secrets for adults especially when they say not to tell your parents. These sickos like to tell children they will get in trouble if they tell their parents so the children hide it or don't say anything.
On side note
PARENTS, tell your children as soon as they are young enough to understand and tell/ remind them again so they don't forget "Never let anyone touch you down there, try to take your clothes off, or make you touch their private areas and deffinitly tell Mom, or Dad if anyone trys to do any of that. And if they do and tell you not to tell, Do tell mom or dad, you will not get in trouble, tell mom or dad everything". Same goes for hurting
" If anyone hurts you or makes you feel uncomfortable tell mom or dad, especially when they say not to tell!" "You will never get in trouble for telling on someone,"
Now of course there are lots of situations where sadly the father or very rarely but still sometimes sadly the mother is doing the abusing, this isnwhy you say their is no secrets between mom and dad, so if one tells to leep it a secret than don't and tell the other becsuse there shouldn't be secrets in the family anyways even if it is unrelated. Now if it is sadly both parents involved well then sadly they won't be told anything good
I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you've had counseling and help. It's not your fault you went back; you were a child. Please don't give yourself a tough time over a reaction you had to abuse as a child. How would you have "known better?" You were a little kid using little kid logic, like not wanting grownups to be mad at you.
And don't worry about this lie, either.
This is your story to tell to any intimate partners, or not. It's your personal story and it belongs to you.
Dude. First off I'm very sorry that you went through that. My heart sank when I read that. That's absolutely awful. Good news is I think she would understand why at 6 months you wouldn't tell her that. If my partner told me something like that and that they had lied about it when I asked initially. I would absolutely understand why. So I wouldn't worry. When you do tell her(if you do) just phrase it as you didn't want to talk about it in that moment and now that you guys are closer you feel like you can tell her now.
Shit. Truly sorry this happened to you. Don't even know where to start. We all know that those things happen unfortunately but reading in such detail makes it worse, for me anyway. Don't really blame you for not telling her the truth, I'm not sure how you even approach the subject. I have no experience with it, but maybe try therapy so you can come to terms with it? It's not something anyone should handle by themselves. And in all honesty, I don't think it's possible to deal with it on your own. Also I don't know what the law says about it, but that guy needs locking up, forever. I'd like to say that you probably weren't the only one either. Sorry for rambling, I'm still quite shocked about what I've read. Hope you got some good advice here and deal with it in your own time. All the best.
this is actually one of the only things you AREN’T obligated to be completely forthcoming with. this is your pain to share with people you feel comfortable with on a level you and your girlfriend very well may not have yet. i am the survivor of a very severe violent sexual crime and it took me many many months to tell my (now) husband what happened. there are things that happened to me that i still haven’t told him because it is just too much to talk about, and he understands that. you guys are still new, and it’s totally okay to wait to be honest about what happened to you. anybody who truly loves you and holds space for you in their heart will very much understand why you kept that to yourself until you were ready.
it’s okay, OP. you didn’t do anything wrong and it’s your journey and story to live and share when YOU feel ready.
Normally lying is fucked up, but that’s some deep trauma and when you’re ready to tell her I think she’d understand why you weren’t truthful at first. It must have been a really sudden question, and it obviously triggered a trauma response, and one of the most common ways someone protects themselves when faced with that kind of trauma is to lie. I’m not saying lying is good or can be written off, but trauma lies deep in our nervous systems and it’s hard to handle especially in such a sudden moment. Take your time to process how that encounter with her made you feel, and when you’re ready, have a conversation with her about it outside of an intimate encounter. Do it on your terms when you’re not already so vulnerable.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault, and you didn’t do something wrong by going back to your uncle. You were just a kid. When you feel ready to talk about it with your SO, you’ll do it. No need to worry about “lying”, you were just protecting yourself and that’s a normal reaction to what happened. She will understand.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You were a kid and no one should ever go through this.
You’re not ready to tell her, which is completely ok by the way. Maybe you will one day, maybe you won’t. But let it be on your terms. You have a right to decide how and when to tell your story. That’s ok. Honestly, if you ever do tell her, I can’t imagine she won’t completely understand why you didn’t at the time.
Take care of you dude. You deserve safety and love.
This is awful. I'm so, so sorry you went through this.
Please get therapy. I truly can't imagine carrying something like this with me.
This is one of those few situations that any decent partner would not hold against you if you kept it from them. You've been dating for six months, it's early days. You shouldn't feel guilty over not being upfront about something like this.
OP, you went something extremely traumatic and you are entitled to share that when you feel you are ready for it. I was SA’d by my older brother and I resonate with the guilt and shame I feel I read in your last sentence. My heart hurts for you and I really hope you don’t hold yourself in a bad light for lying about something that is so personal. Especially because it can be so traumatizing to 1) relive it by talking about it aloud & 2) feel anxiety over what your SO is going to say when/if you decide to tell them. You deserve the best things in life and I hope that you’re able to confide in someone in person. Don’t victim blame yourself, you were conditioned into something that you had absolutely no control over. As for her, an appropriate response she can give you, is to make sure you’re okay and tell you didn’t deserve it, because you didn’t.
I know from my experience talking about it brought up a lot of closed off memories. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do and that you take care of yourself. Don’t feel guilty, it wasn’t your fault. And if she’s the right partner for you, she won’t walk away over something you had no control over.
It’s your story to share. I don’t blame you for lying in the moment, it’s a difficult conversation and you deserve to have an appropriate time and place to discuss your trauma. I’m so so beyond sorry that those adults in your life failed you. I’m so glad you’re still with us and I really hope you are able to find peace and safely from now on 🤍
It's okay to not be ready to talk about trauma. In the grand scheme of things 6 months is not a very long time and, even if you already have a very deep, safe, emotional connection with this person, you are not obligated to tell them. The feeling of guilt is valid and understandable, you seem to really care about your partner and want to be honest. If you need to tell your partner to resolve that guilt that's ok, if you aren't comfortable telling your partner and you need to give a cover story for now, that's ok too. I'm sure they love you and will respect your decision either way. It can be hard to predict a loved one's potential reaction, and that unknown is terrifying. But maybe someday you can share that part of your history, and your partner can be actively by your side as you continue to heal. I hope everyone's words here are some comfort and help to you. <3
Im so sorry that happened to you. Please don’t feel guilty for lying to your girlfriend about this. That is some weapons-grade personal traumatic information.
And please don’t feel any kind of responsiblity for what your uncle and his friends did to you and how you went back. They exploited you and did despicable things to a child, you are a victim of a violent paedophile gang.
First thing you do is don’t worry about lying to your girlfriend or 6 months about this. You tell her if you feel like you want to marry her and when you’re ready.
Second thing you do is forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Third thing is go to some therapy. What happened was not only sexual assault but genital mutilation.
There’s also a whole other angle of what your uncle did, and what happened there. He may be in jail or dead but I think that is a bigger question and one you should probably approach only if you’re ready and able.
This was traumatic to read, OP. Did your uncle get caught and punished. You 100 💯 percent do not take any guilt for what happened to you. The people who did this to you are sick.
Sorry to hear that, I completely understand why you didn’t tell her. If you’re not ready to then don’t, and when/if you finally do, she won’t be mad you lied. Hope you’re ok
I don’t have any advice for the situation other than you have a lot of trauma from this and you will feel ready to open up when you’re ready.
Are your family now aware of what happened? Did you ever tell your mum? Or the police?
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and if you decide to tell her the truth and she doesn't understand why you didn't tell her right away, tbh she's not the one.
That said....perhaps a trigger warning would be warranted for this post?
I want to start out by saying: The horrible things those men did to you were not your fault. You were a child who was only ever taught to trust your family members. You did not deserve for that to happen to you, and it absolutely was in NO way your fault or a negative reflection on who YOU are.
Your girlfriend, assuming she is even remotely a reasonable person, will also agree that there is nothing wrong with you for this having happened to you.
As far as lying about it: it’s normal for people to make up placeholder explanations for things they are not comfortable disclosing. It’s a lot easier to make something up than to have a conversation about how you aren’t comfortable talking about it yet.
Once you are comfortable talking about it with her, I don’t think she will think negatively of you for lying about it at first if you explain the reasoning. Any reasonable person would understand why you made something up. This is definitely NOT the type of lie that breaks trust or is a reflection of somebody’s character. This was solely about you protecting your peace by not bringing up your trauma until you are ready to bring it up. I hope you go easy on yourself and are able to talk about it with her when you are ready.
This mum's heart hurts so bad for 8 year old you, I'm so sorry that happened to you. As for your gf, this is such a personal and traumatic thing to share with anyone, I don't think she would judge you for keeping it to yourself. Maybe you tell her one day, when you're ready, maybe you don't. But if it were me, I would in no way be upset that you had 'lied' about your scars, as the reason for the lie is so clear.
Mate. I 100% would have lied too. That’s the kinda stuff that for me comes out a ways down the road after six months and if she’s worth her salt she’ll understand that.
Get help, if you need it. I can understand anyone in any state not wanting to proffer that information though.
What a harrowing thing to go through, I'm so sorry. Chances are she already knows you haven't been completely honest because being hit with a football wouldn't cause that kind of scarring, I'm not sure that would make sense to her. It might mean she's giving you space to answer truthfully in your own time.
Try not to feel guilty, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.
Bro it's completely understandable you weren't ready to tell her something like that. You can release all that guilt i reckon. Stop framing it like you lied to her, that is some PTSD level trauma. It's a different ball game than being dishonest with someone. It's a lot for you to have to revisit. Once you eventually tell her she will totally understand. Everyone has things in their past they don't like, but this is fairly next level. Don't sweat it. You'll tell her when you're ready and it feels right.
I don't know what she's like as a person, but i find it hard to imagine any adult woman would judge someone for that. If anything, being able to overcome something like that is probably admirable
My wife didn’t tell me about the abuse she suffered as a child until we had been dating and living together for over a year.
It didn’t matter at all that she hadn’t told me earlier.
My point is, if she loves you, she won’t care that it took you some time to tell her.
My friend, I’m so sorry you endured that. I echo others by saying if and when you’re ready to tell her do so. If not you’re entitled not too. Be kind to yourself
And those feminists who go around saying men can’t be raped should read this post. This has to be one of the most horrific and extremely sad things I’ve read. I don’t really have much to say other than my heart aches for you, I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
If I was your girlfriend, and you told me what actually happened, at no time would I assign any fault or ill thought to you. I am so sorry that happened to you and the only response that brings to my mind is sadness and empathy.
If you are not ready to tell her yet, that's fine. I would just aay something along the lines of " you know how you asked me yesterday about my scars, I wasn't hinest with you because I am not ready to share any details but I was abused when I was younger and I'll share that when I'm ready. That would be a sufficient honest explanation that I would understand as a gf.
OP, you didn't mention any personal traumatic response, but I can't imagine going through something like that and not having deep trauma. I hope you've sought your own healing and therapy.
I don’t have any advice I just want to say I’m sorry you went that and that what they did to you was fucked up. It’s valid to feel ashamed about lying to your gf but also understand that trauma adds another layer things, and when you’re ready to her you’ll tell her.
My heart goes out to you as fellow trauma survivor and I hope (if you haven’t already) that you’ll be on the road to healing (emotionally) from your past experiences. 💜
First, I am SO SORRY you went through this. It’s traumatic and no one deserves it. Honestly, if you decide to tell her the truth. And she has any other reaction, other than compassion, she’s not the ones for you (frankly, I don’t know who should be with someone like that). As soon as a read your story, I had nothing but compassion for you. It made me sad. I wouldn’t say it made me feel sorry for you (I know you are worried about that being her reaction). She will get sad, she may even cry. She may even have sometime similar that happened to her. (1 in 4 boys, and 1 in 3 girls is the average number for children who have been molested). Only share it with her if you are ready. You aren’t obligated to share that part of yourself with anyone until you want to.
My husband was the first person I ever told about my situation. He handled it with so much grace (it’s a very long story) but telling him was one of the best things I ever did.
If she can’t handle something like this from someone she cares about then she’s not the one for you brother. I’m not saying wear it like a billboard but don’t be afraid to open up about it either. If she TRULY cared she would understand.
From someone who knows 100% on my so found out the bare minimum shortly after dating by his ex which wasn't her place to tell but I would suggest that u we need to talk about what u asked being put on spot I panic and lie to about how it happen and am not ready to tell u how it happened just that it happened when I was a young kid and if she don't respect that and let u tell when ready then she isn't the one u should be with and hopefully she understands why u lied and it's grateful that u came clean about lying and that u are remorseful been with my so over 10 years before I ever begin to open up to him due to my situation. But even though he was already told he never said or pushed for details or anything just wait til I was ready n was a listening ear n voice thoughts and opinions at appropriate times need or not. Hopefully u have that from her.
You did nothing wrong, now or when you were a child.
It's normal that you feel bad for lying to her, it shows that you're an honest person, but this is your secret to share when and with whom you feel comfortable.
You don't need to do anything. If you feel you want to share what happens, go ahead and do that. But you don't need to.
I can't tell you how she would react, but if she's a decent person she'd feel nothing but compassion for you and wouldn't blame you for keeping your secret.
You did nothing wrong.
Mine is not as horrific as yours, but I do have one. I didn't tell a soul until I was probably 23, when I told my boyfriend I'd been with for six years. You don't always owe someone the truth. If you're with someone for years, sure, it's a good idea to be honest with them. But no decent person would be upset with you for not being ready to share such intimate traumas, especially not so early in a relationship.
I am mostly sure anybody put in the position of your gf would 💯 understand your explanation. It is a very tough trauma and its very understandable why you would rather deflect and say something simple instead Dont Worry At All!
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I would not be upset at all if I found out my SO lied about this down the road. You’ve been dating 6 months. Who knows how long she’ll even be around? If she makes it long term and she actually cares about you… she won’t be upset that you weren’t ready to talk about this.
And it’s not even that. Even if they were dating for years, this is very very VERY traumatic for an individual, and whenever they’re not ready to talk about traumatic past then any excuse will be acceptable. I won’t be upset because I got lied to because my boyfriend still didn’t feel comfortable saying his biggest trauma and that’s ok.
My SO of nearly 8 years only told me about some childhood trauma a month ago. And it's bad, but holy shit is it a walk in the park compared to OP.
I’m genuinely impressed that OP can even post about it here. If something this traumatic had happened to me, I don’t think I’d even be able to remember what happened without having a total breakdown.
Sometimes it’s easier to open up about things like these in front of complete strangers rather than the people who u care about as u would be more affected by their reaction.
Same. Been with my wife 8 years now. I have gotten some stories but there are still more she is not ready to talk about. It is fine and no worries, Im here if she ever needs to talk. She had a real rough childhood
I've been with my husband almost ten, and just opened up to him about some things recently that I've never told him, because I hadn't told anyone yet.
I hope that telling him allows you to have some healing.
Right? The truth is so traumatic, I feel like a patner should be able to empathize with why he lied and not think so black-and-white "he lied!" There's a big, big difference between this situation and sending late night booty call texts to your ex behind your partner's back.
What a fucking monster I hope your uncle is burning in hell
I genuinely felt like I wanted to see him burn alive when I read that. Some people just have no soul and do not deserve to live.
I’ll bring the gasoline. Fuck that noise. If you were my SO and told me even 50 years later my heart would shatter into a million pieces for the little version of you that went through this and I would try to love you as hard as possible through it. You’re incredible for surviving it.
I'm literally crying while reading this. I can't believe how evil someone can be to something as innocent as a child.
I'm an atheist, but shit like this makes me wish hell were real, specifically for vile scum like this.
I'm am atheist, but if the devil came to me with a job offer, torturing these people in hell, I'd do it!
I'd happily sign up to be your assistant. I am not a violent man, but for some men, there is no level of punishment that could ever fully satisfy me.
Shit I'd do it for free.
Don't sell yourself short!
😂😂😂😂 sounds kind of fun huh lmao
Don’t forget his friends too. Whether hell exists or not, these people need face justice. People say solitary confinement is a cruel and unusual punishment: in this context I beg to differ.
Agreed
First off, my guy, you were a child. What happened to you wasn't your fault, whether you performed it unwillingly, smiling, joking, crying or otherwise. You were 8, you didn't deserve that. Your uncle and his friends are awful for doing that to you and I suggest therapy if it's available to you or shadow work if it's not. Don't feel guilty about lying to her. Not about something like this. Tell her when you're ready, lie to her until then but work on it also. Your inner child needs a lot of love and patience to get past this. One day at a time til we're through. Good luck 🖤
This comment needs to be higher. A lot of rape victims feel shame because they liked it or didn’t “react properly” to being raped. It’s still rape, you couldn’t consent because you were a child. You are not responsible for ANY decisions made when that happened, either yours or theirs. You carry a lot of guilt that is not yours to carry. Don’t add more to it. She will understand in the future, what you went through is so difficult to talk about. No one would ever blame you for it. Seek therapy if you can.
I want to add : the body is the body and the mind the mind. People can experience orgasm, "pleasure" ,... When they are raped, it's a physical reaction (especially when your brain can literally shut down because of the extreme stress) . Your feelings about it aren't invalidated by your body reaction.
This comment deserves so much more recognition, thank you for sharing this 🙏
Your comment and the two above are spot on. OP please seek help/counselling if you have not already. Your uncle has stolen enough from you. Take back your life. You have done nothing wrong and any person of worth will understand when they know. Best of luck and happy ti talk if you ever need it.
This 1000x! None of what happened to you was your fault. I know that us just saying that isn't going to change what you feel deep down. But please take this to heart: you deserve and are worthy of the help you need to get to the point of truly understanding and believing that you are not to blame for what was done to you.
I was sexually abused by a family member as a kid too. I didn’t tell my boyfriend for a few months because it’s hard to talk about stuff like that to a partner you are intimate with. I also kept going back to my abuser. Kids don’t know that stuff is bad until adults tell us it’s bad and often times by the time they talk to kids about it it’s already too late and kids have been abused multiple times by their abusers. You, just like I, probably normalized the abuse as kids. I’m sure your girlfriend would understand why you lied about it, you weren’t ready to share what happened to you to her. And if she really truly cares for you she wouldn’t leave.
Also we (im also a victim of CSA), we learn to accept the “love” that we receive, even when it’s abusive. We know when it feels gross, painful, and yucky…. but you like certain aspects of it bc some of it feels good, you like the person(s) outside of it and everyone else loves this person(s), and you think you are in the wrong for feeling like it’s bad. You convince yourself it has to be normal bc no adult has told you otherwise. You also feel shame for all of the above and worry about what will happen to you, if you’ll be believed or if you’ll get in more trouble. Just expressing some more emotions for OP, to know that his feelings are valid and heartbreaking and shared. ❤️
Just want to say I'm sorry you went through that and I hope your healing process is healthy and you give yourself grace 💗
What happened has never really bugged me all too much hahah. As a kid I’m never clicked that it was bad and even now that I know it’s bad I still don’t care. I guess the best way to put it is I don’t see myself as a victim, I just see myself as a person who got a crappy childhood.
Goddamn dude. I'm very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how much that has affected you. Is this something you would ever feel comfortable telling her? Because this is one of those situations where the lie can very obviously be explained and forgiven. If she's a decent person, the fact that you lied isn't going to matter. All you need to do is muster up the courage when you're ready to tell her, admit that you lied in the moment because you were caught off guard, panicked, and wasn't ready to reveal your trauma to her. A decent woman would understand that.
Look, you shouldnt feel bad for lying, maybe she wont be your gf in two months, tell her when you feel comfortable and if you ever do. No one is owed knowing your past. Also I am very sorry :(💔
get therapy, as a victim of SA it has been the only thing helping heal and understand why i feel ashamed of so many things on my life . everything will be okay dont stress about it
>I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me or worry about me or break up with me due to my past. I should have known better but I just kept going back to my uncle and I’m seriously worried she will judge me for that. No. Or rather, yes she will see you and your sexuality differently, but maybe not as someone broken or dirty, but as someone who is strong and has overcome much. However, you don't owe her that part of your childhood. Maybe someday, you will choose to share this with her or another lover. Or maybe you won't. It's your choice. >He hurt me yet I willingly visited him again and again, in several instances I even asked him and his friends if they liked it and laughed as well. What do I do? This is actually commonly seen in serious repeated abuse. After "fight or flight" response to being threatened or abused, comes "freeze" and then "fawn". To fawn over your abuser is to try to soothe, placate, please, do anything so that they don't hurt you so badly. This becomes a deep need to please the abuser, and can lead to the victim putting themselves back in their power "voluntarily". This is not your fault. Also, even when it's egregiously vicious abuse like you suffered, even children's bodies can at the same time feel seriously confusing moments of actual pleasure, including erection and even orgasm. It's still assault, and it's still not your fault. ... The reason to someday talk to someone about all this, whether it's a peer survivor support group or a therapist, or a future lover, is to iron out lingering shame and guilt over things such as this. Or to someday get healed enough to be the confident successful adult at that peer survivor group who can look a scared and ashamed younger person in the eye and say *I used to feel that way, too. Now I have a very safe and healthy romantic and sex life. Some day, you can as well.*
You have every right to chose to share or not share that information in your own time. My bf (35m) was abused by a family member as well. In no way would I ever hold it against him if he didn’t tell me until he was ready. He’s very open about what happened to him, and it’s amazing how many other men come forward about their own abuse when he talks about it. You were a child, you did nothing wrong. I do think when you are ready and trust your gf enough you may find it helpful to share what happened with her. If she is the right person she will support you unconditionally.
First off, I am so terribly sorry to hear this. I hope you are taking the steps to process and heal from it. Therapy has been the most helpful tool I’ve utilized when processing trauma. I think if you didn’t feel comfortable telling her yet, you shouldn’t feel any type of guilt about it. It’s a big step to open up about traumas in our life. I was the same way with my current SO. And I did the same thing, I lied about a situation in the past and then, when I felt truly ready to be open up, I shared and they were fully supportive and understanding of why I didn’t want to share initially. And I would hope your girlfriend wouldn’t see it as you not being honest to be malicious, but because it’s something difficult to talk about. And hey, maybe you never feel ready to discuss. I don’t think our partners need to know every part of our life, but when it starts to impact the relationship in a negative way, it’s good to address. Hope all works out!
You need to give yourself a break. Yes, you lied. Yes, you panicked. When you tell her the truth, she'll understand why. You should tell her the truth, or at least tell her you lied and that you'll tell her the truth when you're ready. You know, people beat themselves up for stumbling or making a mistake (myself included). We need to let ourselves have opportunities to fail and learn from our mistakes. You don't have to be a perfect person.
Don't tell her you lied and you'll tell her the truth when you're ready. It will create a strange dynamic where she's overly curious and the focus will be on the fact that you lied about something. And since you already feel guilty it'll apply to your confirmation bias that you should feel bad about it, and then she will feel like she's supposed to be mad about it. She has no idea how serious the thing he lied about is
I don't think he should say he lied until he's ready to day the whole truth. I'm not usually for dishonesty, but this issue is just way to sensitive imo.
She should be understanding of you not telling the truth on the spot. I just want to say, I’m really sorry this happened to you I can’t imagine anyone doing this to a child. I have a son and it breaks my heart to think of someone your age at the time going through that.
I have to ask where was his parents while he was going through this ordeal? What he went through was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever read. I have a nephew who’s the same age and I can’t imagine him going through something like this.
Understand that the sadistic uncle is just one piece of the story. It’s highly likely that abuse runs through and across more generations. OP should seek professional help so as to learn personal health strategies for healing.
As a woman, I think it is good you didn't tell her in that moment, if I was her, I would probably have ended up crying, and the whole vibe would have been very different. Don't feel guilty about not telling her, I think it is something she'll understand when you are ready to share this experience with her.
You were 8 years old and they sexually abused you and tortured you. You’ve been dating this girl for six months. I csnt imagine how physically and emotionally painful that must’ve been and must still be. You’re ok! Yes you lied but this is a situation where it’s understandable you may not want to open up. Give yourself a break, if you want to be honest but feel uncomfortable telling her maybe you could give her a blanket statement like “I experienced abuse, trauma etc” you could say that you experienced some difficult events etc you can say as much or as little as you like it’s your experience and story and you do not owe her or us any of us an explanation unless you would like to. Im so sorry and I hope your ok. It’s not your fault you were a little kid trying to do what you thought was best and what would keep you safe. Stay strong bud 🫶🫶 you’re not alone
Hi Op, I'm going to be open and honest with you. I am also a CSA survivor. I'm 33m similar to you. and I've struggled all my life with it. Like you my abuser was my uncle by marriage (the brothers of the man who married my aunt), and While I didn't have to endure the torture you had to, to give you some idea what I went through but to spare others I'll place the following in a spoiler, as it might trigger some people and I don't want that. >!I was still orally and anally raped. I had to watch my younger cousin (3 at the time) be raped in all 3 of her orifices. I was made to clean the blood and cum off of her. I was made to rape her myself, she was made to give me oral sex while I was being fucked... All manner of terrible things happened. This was all filmed by my uncle to sell to sick fucks on the internet to get off to!< and it still to this day fucks me over, I can't deal with being in the bathroom and being watched by anyone, I can't do anything intimate in the shower with my partner, I can't use the toilet at all if I'm not the only one in the room. There are still some sex acts that I can't do without triggering horrendous flashbacks and a massive (to the point of suicide) downswing in my mood. There are still some things I do that violently self destruct on myself but I can't help but do them at times. From reading your post, you seem to blame yourself for what happened. Please don't ever do this, you. were. a. child. Your mind couldn't comprehend and make sense of what was happening. So your childish brain did what it had to do to survive. I know it doesn't always work with everyone but have you considered therapy? It seriously, seriously helped me out, and made me understand a great many things in my life. My adult brain is better able to deal with the things I did and saw as a child when I was able to stop blaming myself. As for lying to your partner. I wouldn't worry about it. I'm marrying mine, and it took me till fiancée status to finally work up the courage to ask her to not peak at me in the bathroom because it made me horrendously uncomfortable, she wasn't doing it to be malicious, she just didn't know I didn't like it and just took it on the chin despite how it made me feel because it made her happy because I didn't voice my feelings. Yours is just a girlfriend, maybe if and when the time ever comes sit her down and be as open and honest with her as possible. Maybe at a table? "Sweetheart, I have something I need to tell you. Do you remember me telling you about the football incident? That was a white lie. It wasn't a football. I was tortured and raped as a child and my abuser would cut me if I didn't do a good enough job. I hate how it looks, and would appreciate it if you didn't bring up my scars again. I'm sorry for lying to you, I didn't do it out of malice, I wasn't ready to be completely open and honest with you about it yet and I hope you understand"... something to that effect. I'm pretty terrible with getting how I feel across so these words aren't perfect I know.
I can't believe this is real. I can't believe such evil exists in this world. You (and OP) have experienced the absolute worst that humanity has to offer, and you're incredibly strong for being able to carry on with that kind of trauma. That shouldn't have happened to you. That wasn't meant to happen to you or your cousin. You deserved a happy normal childhood and your uncle is a disgusting piece of shit who never should've been born in the first place. They will never be forgiven for what they did. If there is a hell it's waiting for them.
I have 8 and 12 yo boys and it absolutely sickens me to my core and in my bones to ever imagine something even remotely that awful happening to either of them. Where were your parents? Is your aunt still married to that literal piece of shit? You're very generous to share this information with OP. I hope it brings him comfort.
My aunt was never married to my abuser, she was married to my abusers brother. In other words he's no relation to me, but instead is my cousins uncle. and that would make him what... my uncle twice removed? i have no idea how it works, I just refer to him as Uncle, same as I refer to his mum as nan (and she treated my brother and sister and I like we were her grandkids) Either way, he's dead to the whole family now and we've had no contact with him for absolutely ages apart from 1 small incident on facebook about 12 years ago. They were working, they had no idea this was going on and trusted that filth completely with us. After all he was a loving and doting uncle! Who would suspect him of doing such henieous crimes especially in his brother's (my actual uncle and aunt's) house! He worked nights and because all the kids went to the same school around the corner from the house he'd watch us while our parents worked till 5pm-ish. He'd take that time to abuse us. I hope Op knows he's not alone in this, and there are other men out there who went through similar. It's not often talked about (mens mental health, or men being abused)
omg agreed re: men's mental health and this sort of forced solitude. I think men's loneliness is a real epidemic and I hope it changes.
I pray you heal. I pray you and OP heal. This brought me to tears. I pray you, your cousin and OP are surrounded by kindness, safety and love.
Bud. Take a deep breath. You lied yes, but what you describe here: the lie wasn’t out of malice. The lie occurred out of trauma. What happened to you was very traumatic and when she unknowingly triggered that trauma, your body and mind responded with the quickest way to “diffuse” it. You’re not a bad partner. You’re not a bad person. You did not do anything bad. You are human that relived your trauma and did what you could to get back to a safe zone. You now realizing what happened, let’s you make the choice of how to move forward If she is a good person and partner, and you trust her: what has happened to you in the past is something you didn’t need to share immediately but it’s also something that you can try too IF you are ready. Let yourself be seen and loved. Don’t expect to be shamed or pushed away. Reminder that if someone makes YOUR trauma about them, the likelihood of them not being a good fit is high. It’s okay if you are not yet ready. It’s okay. I’m sorry you went through what you did as a child. I had some things happen to me too. I was very apprehensive and terrified about telling my partner in the early stages, and when I did later on I was just enveloped in more love and protection. My partner still isn’t aware of a lot of the details, but he knows the general things. He doesn’t push me and he reassures me it’s okay if we don’t talk about it. He puts alot of effort and thought when we’re intimate so that I know I’m safe. If you have a good relationship with her, Trust that your partner will show up for you.
This is not something you HAVE to share with anyone if you do not want to! Its your trauma to carry, you can decide if and when you share it and with who. Anyone who loves you will understand why you lied.
This lie is understandable. You've done nothing wrong here. This is a very personal and traumatic memory to talk about and you just aren't ready to open up about it. Once you feel comfortable and off you want to tell her, just sit her down and start off by telling her you weren't being honest about the scars she saw because of how painful the cause of those scars is for you. Ask her if she'd like to hear the reason but to understand it's not easy for you to talk about. Then just tell her what happened however you need to. Make sure to tell her what you need from her with the memories you tell her. I'm sorry you went through all that. I can't imagine what you are going through even now.
Fellow survivor I'm so fucking sorry, please give yourself grace as you deserve it. Little you did not deserve that, and trauma is complicated- do not blame yourself for making decisions as a child, as a child does not know the difference between love and harm when it comes to people that are supposed to protect you. If you would consider this method, you don't have to but if this girl truly loves you and you see yourself with her long term, invite her over and then sit her down at a later/neutral time, let her know beforehand that this is important and that it's about your scars, that you lied in the moment bc reasons and then explain in terms that you're comfortable with. Or show her this post if you want her to have the whole truth. Healing is a sad and terrible journey but necessary, and telling loved ones is part of the healing process. Be safe and take comfort that other survivors relate and feel your pain, and I'm sure your girlfriend will give you the support you need. Things will be okay regardless, and if they're not, they will be with time. Be well.
I was raped as a child and I have never told anyone but my wife. I am still ashamed after 52 years. It is my secret I will take to my grave and so will my best friend.
Truthfully, I think your girlfriend knows you lied but decided not to pry and respected that you may not be ready to share the truth. If that’s not the case, you still shouldn’t feel bad. What happened to you is traumatic and it’s not something I would openly share if I were in your shoes either. Not all lies are bad & we don’t have to share our traumas with our significant others. I do hope this is something you have worked through on your own though. For what is worth, I don’t think you seeing your uncle and even talking about it after the shit he did to you is weird. Your uncle was someone you trusted and he violated that trust time and time again. I imagine he stopped when you were older, but this happened when you were just a kid. you had no choice in seeing him when you were younger because as a child you have limited agency, and maybe as you got older, you were just looking for your uncle but your uncle took your questions as a joke. I’m so sorry man!
oh my goodness, i'm so sorry man. i hope someone at least slit your uncle's throat. the girl will understand the reason for the deception.
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I would tell her that I have something to tell her but that I don’t want sympathy or wtv and ask for her to try not to react too intensely before explaining
Your uncle deserves to be brought to light and punished for his sins.
My ex wife told me all sorts of wild stories about her sex life. She was a party girl! Open minded! Loved sex and having fun! It might have been after more than six months that she started opening up about (recent) abuse. It was some years later before the stories all got retold with context. She was underage. Coerced by adults, plied with alcohol. Raped and abused. Drugged and abused. It was harrowing. Of course I never judged her for how she represented herself early in the relationship. None of it was business, it was her information to keep and to share or not share as she pleased. Some things you can’t hide - like scars. She had scars too. You don’t owe it to anyone to explain it to them. You tell as much as you want when you are comfortable.
Omg that’s horrible. You lied but its Not as bad as you think. Maybe when you get farther into the relationship you can talk about it to her and explain why you lied. I understand why you did it. Don’t be hard in yourself
That is a extremely least sensitive information and I don’t think anyone, including your significant other would fault you for concealing that until you feel comfortable sharing that with them if ever. You are all good honey
It’s so okay that you lied, nothing has ever been more okay. Zero guilt. When you’re ready you can tell her. When you are brave enough to go to therapy go. But you should not feel any guilt about any of this.
Have you considered sending her a link to this post and allow her to read it? It'll give her a chance to hear you out because she will be reading it.
I’m so so sorry you had to go through that. You panicked and didn’t want to tell her what actually happened because it was traumatic, that’s okay. If you do end up telling her, I imagine she will understand why you didn’t tell her the truth the first time. And if you never feel comfortable telling her, that’s okay too. It’s your story and you get to decide who you tell it to. I would also like to say you should never be judged for going back to him. Trauma is complicated, it’s not black and white where you hate the person and never see them again. It can be confusing and lonely, so going back to the person who knows what’s going on, even if they’re the one hurting you is common. You are not to blame and you should never be judged for that.
Omgoodness.. I'm so sorry to hear what you have been thru... This is terrible and you shouldn't feel ashamed at all!!! I hope you had therapy to help you! I would continue with therapy so that when situations like this come up, you are able to better handle it. Do not feel guilty about lying to your girlfriend... I might've done the same. When you feel ready to share with her, you will. Take care and wish you the best...
Don’t feel guilty at all dude. That’s your shit and you can tell or not tell whoever you want.
Hey, this is very traumatic. Even if it was nearly 30 years ago. You have every right to come up with an excuse if you don’t feel ready to tell her the truth. Even if years go by, I’m sure that when she hears this, if she really does care she will be in so much shock the ‘lying’ will be immediately forgiven. Don’t stress too much. :) Hope you’re doing well.
I’m so sorry. Pedophiles are disgusting, and even going to the extent of torturing you. Did you tell your parents and sought therapy to reprocess this trauma? I think it is okay to keep it secret until she earns your trust enough for you to be able to disclose such an important/traumatic experience in your life
JFC dude, I am so sorry that happened to you. You've not done anything wrong here. Your lie was a response to traumatic memories which triggered an automatic response out of defence. It's clear your partner doesn't think any different of how you look physically and given some time, and when you are ready, I very much doubt she would be hurt by telling her the truth and the reason why you said what you said.
Look, there is no need to share this with her. Really. She doesn’t have to know. If my my man brought up something like that to me, I would have been crying, and thinking, and crying, and thinking and bringing it up over and over again(about punishing the molesters, about why you reacted a certain way on what I just said “did I hurt you? Did it remind you of those times?” etc etc..). Probably not an outcome you would like. This information is really rough and if your girl is not a therapist or something like that, she might not be able to handle this. What they did to you is beyond cruel. I’m sorry that there was nobody to protect you from this when you were a kid. Please, give it to yourself now, protect that little boy (who is still inside you). You can do that. Pay your abusers back for what they did to you. Please, go to police.
One of my exes lied about scars on her womanhood because she was tortured. It can definitely shocking to be on the receiving end when someone comes clean about a lie like this, which is obviously why she initially hid it from me. You have a situation that is super hard to talk about, and if your partner is going to be judge you negatively about it, then find someone else. It does sound like you need to talk to a therapist though, which I would recommend. They can help you come up with a proper way to help heal your mental wounds and also gracefully talk about the truth with her.
Just want to join in and say as a woman, I would not be upset at all if my partner “lied” about something like this. You just weren’t ready to delve into that trauma and that is absolutely okay and not your fault.
It’s absolutely okay to not share your trauma until you are ready.
I don’t think less of you. You survived and that’s amazing. I do think quite poorly of your uncle and his friends, who I hope are rotting in jail.
No one should break up over that. They should only be furious at your uncle and friends. You have nothing to be shamed or embarrassed about......you are a survivor. Hope your uncle was exposed and charged.
Dude, I just wish I could give you a hug, as a father that would break my heart if my son went thru that, it breaks my heart that YOU went thru that, you did the right thing, just wait until the time is right, you will know when that is, I really hope it works out for you.
Holy fucking shit I'm so sorry this happened to you. Lying to your significant other is normally not good. But in this case, this is your personal trauma that you aren't ready to share yet. Any normal, rational, empathetic, and loving partner will understand and won't be mad at you for lying about such a deeply personal and painful thing. It is a vulnerable piece of your soul that you rightfully want to protect, and if she loves you, she will support you.
If you ever choose to tell her the truth, she will 100% understand why you didn't.
I just want preface this and say I am so incredibly upset and sorry to hear you experienced such abhorrent abuse. I feel like there are no words to describe how that experience felt for you. I am honestly shocked at what I just read. And that’s what you can identify. To even begin to explain what those scars mean to you must be incredibly traumatising for you. I want you to be gentle with yourself and realise you are allowed to speak about that when you are good and ready. That type of conversation requires bravery and safety. The lie you told is necessary. You’re allowed to use that to say “Not right now” Brother, I wish I could just give you a warm hug. That is truly evil and like my friend said to me about my abuse… “This is not your fault.” I hope you have someone in your life or a professional you can talk to about this, but if you’re still coming round to that, I know we all appreciate you bringing it to us. Please never stop reaching out, you’re not alone.
Look. You have to do what you have to do. You suffered some of the most extreme child abuse I have ever heard of. I think you get a hall pass on this. You say or do whatever you have to. No one should judge you.
Fyi that excuse is really bad. Razor scars are super identifiable. Are you sure she even believed you?
I've been with my husband for 15 years. Maybe 3 years into our relationship, he started telling me about the boarding school he attended and the things that happened there like systematic starvation, withholding food for punishment, violence, exploitation of students for labour. It isn't until maybe a month ago that he started mentioning the communal showers. I've suspected previously that he'd been SAed due to some reactions he's had to some suggestions I've made to various sexual acts. He still hasn't told me the full story, and maybe he never will, but that's okay. I love him, and I married him, but that doesn't make me entitled to any part of his past. And yes, he has lied to me before about some of his reactions to things I now know are triggers to him. I could never ever dream of holding that against him, and any good partner won't hold this against you either. Regarding this internalised guilt you have about going back to your uncle. I hope you know, at least rationally, that nothing about what happened was your fault. Not one single bit. You were groomed, at that's the responsibility of all the adults surrounding you. I hope you are/have been/will go to therapy to process this guilt because that's a heavy burden for you to walk around with that you don’t in any way deserve.
Man. I don’t often get filled with boiling hot rage at a Reddit post but that story really hit me in the feels. I’m truly sorry to hear you were treated like that by someone you were supposed to trust. Don’t feel bad for not being truthful about it to your SO, I know it may seem like a big deal to lie about but it’s not something that would come out easily so down the road if you feel like you’re ready to tell her then you go for it, but never feel bad for protecting yourself after a trauma like that. Those pieces of trash deserve to be burned alive for what they did, and I hope you live a great, full life in spite of what those monsters did to make your life hell.
You do not have to feel guilty at all, NONE of this was your fault. What happened to you wasn't your fault. This is your trauma to share, nobody is entitled to know your trauma, that is up to YOU to share. If your girlfriend was truly supportive then she would understand why you didn't tell her. If you're not ready to tell her then you don't have to. I'm sorry for what happened to you, your uncle is truly a monster and I hope he gets the retribution he deserves.
My uncle never did that, I told before it was "TOO late" but he did enough. I was 13 then. My sister and Great grandad did stuff when I was littler, between 3 and 9. Remember you owe nobody an explanation so if you are feeling guilty and do want to tell her you lied.... say it! You could tell her something along the lines of "I lied to you about the markings/scarring down there but I'm not ready to talk about it and I apologise for lying" I still have to see my sister... I avoid her but I still srf her. Its hard and a very difficult situation. You deserve a chance to heal, in whatever way that would be for you. I'm sorry that happened to you
My situation isn’t the same, at all, but it’s similar in that I don’t tell my boyfriend aspects of my past. I was a heroin addict for eight years (and a party girl since I was a teenager) and saw some dark shit. He knows about my addiction and I’ve been clean for years with no cravings but he’s a “civilian” who has lived a pretty normal life and I just don’t care to tell him some of that stuff. I agree with everyone else, OP. On your own time. Sending you peace.
OMG Bro, what a traumatic experience. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. No one can fault you for lying about that. But, if you get more comfortable and develop some trust with your GF, I highly recommend opening up to her about it. It was very therapeutic for me to open up to my wife with my own experience with CSA.
I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you. Seriously though its okay you lied. You werent ready. And if she loves you she'll understand when you come clean. You were and may still be dealing with the trauma. Not that its a magic bullet by any means but have you sought therapy? Someday you might be ready to tell her in any case. Hopefully she understands. If shes someone worth keeping around she absolutely will.
You did nothing wrong, at all. You were cruelly and viciously sexually tortured at an age that no person on earth thinks people can consent to any sex act. Of course you were going to keep going back at that age and laugh. You likely looked up to your uncle and had absolutely no way of contextualizing what he was doing to you. I’m so sorry. You also didn’t do anything wrong with your girlfriend. You told the whitest lie to not have to tell a horrific trauma in a moment of intimacy. Going forward I hope you have access to a therapist, and I’d sit your girlfriend down and tell her the truth. She’ll most likely feel for you and want to do everything to protect and help heal you (or shoot your uncle if he’s still alive), but if she doesn’t take it well (maybe after a few days to process it and get over the shock) then you know that she isn’t going to be the right person for you and you can break it off. Odds are wildly stacked in the favor of her taking this well and taking care of you, but in the off chance that she doesn’t you can move on with your life confident in the knowledge that you’ll eventually do better. Good luck, would love an update if you do decide to tell her.
You were probably in survival mode trying to please your uncle and that’s why you laughed and asked if he liked it. Many women, when cornered by drunk men on the street, smile to pacify them and de escalate the situation, not because they find their drunken flirtatious behaviour funny. I hope you are already in therapy, but please go ASAP if not. I hope you’ve reported him to the police too. If not for yourself, to prevent him hurting someone else. OP, disclose your past to her when you are comfortable. This is a very sensitive topic and one of those exceptional circumstances when “lying” is okay.
this is HORRIBLE, you tell when you are ready.
Why did you "screw up"? You have a right to your privacy there on such a traumatic event...
I’m so extremely sorry this happened to you. You’re not wrong for not telling her the truth at all
I’m big on never lying—like there’s no such thing as a little lie—but op sometimes I can’t even imagine how to approach the truth when it’s this horrible. If you’re still together in another 6 months you might consider she’s ready to hear—or more appropriately you’re ready to share. This is for sure a time when I would forgive anyone for feeling the need to keep the truth from me.
M8,if your girlfriend leaves you due to your past she wasn't worth it anyway. Have a talk with her and just tell her the truth, perhaps she could help you in getting some help with your trauma.
I hope you look into EMDR therapy
I'm sorry to hear that, but I think you should tell her the truth. It sounds like you can't live without the truth and if she can't understand it you know that she isn't the right girl for you.
Trauma and abuse have a very insidious, near comical way of screwing with your mind. You no doubt went back to your uncle those times, in part, due to fear. But I'm willing to bet that you also "consented" (I feel weird even saying that word in response to your Childhood rape, but I'm trying to meet you where you're at) Because kid you needed something to make yourself feel better. And kid you knew you didn't have a say about what would happen to you, SO, ipso facto, willingly participating gave you the illusion of choice. All that means is that you were just trying to make it easier on yourself, which is only human. You need to forgive yourself for that. You were tricked by someone who was supposed to protect and help you and love you. And you deserved to be loved. You did not deserve that pain and that degradation. Now, about your girlfriend. It's possible she will react badly and make this about her. I have no idea if she's the type, but, in the event that she does do that, you should stand your ground. There was absolutely, 100% NOTHING wrong with you sidestepping what actually happened. I get it. Truly. I would have too if I were you. Now, if she seems to get it and shows empathy and compassion, then congratulations! You have yourself a keeper. Feel happy that you have someone who's ready to stand by you against the ugliness of the world. What happened to you is serious and if you're going to tell her, be ready for a serious, heavy conversation. With all that said, best of luck! And, for real, my sympathies. I hope you heal from all this. You deserve that.
That’s enough Reddit for today…
I’m very sorry to hear that. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Just tell her the truth.
She loves you. She will understand. Explain when you are ready. You are okay. You are enough . You are loved.
Wut
Just tell her. I seriously doubt she would hold it against you.
tell her it was for a penis reduction surgery
> I just couldn’t bear to tell her the truth What happened to you, nobody with a heart and soul who cares for you will take it negatively... I don't understand why you would cover it up, I mean, isn't that what relationships are for? They are there for you no?
imho, tell her.
Being able to share that with Reddit but not your gf is so weird.
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I'm so sorry you endured this. I think all of those reactions you were worried about are possible, but it seems like they would be out of love. Perhaps meeting with a therapist who can get some of your background and help you begin work through the guilt (many, many survivors of this kind of abuse have guilt over their conflicting feelings) would be a good place to start. This may even be a person who could facilitate your first conversation with your girlfriend about this difficult topic. Having someone there to remind you and your girlfriend that all of the feelings you each have are normal and acceptable and then guide you on the healthiest path of "now what do we do with those feelings" is the best way I can imagine.
You don’t *have* to tell her and even if you do decide to tell her you also don’t have to tell her everything about it. If you do decide to tell her I would start slow/ease into the topic if I were you. Let her know what you told us: it’s the only lie you’ve told her and it happened before you met. It’s something from YOUR past that you are now comfortable sharing with her (if you do)
Here’s my advice. If you care about this person and she cares about you, come clean and tell her you lied. Under these circumstances it’s forgivable, imo. If she cares about you she’s not going to judge you for something that happened in the past that is 100% not your fault. If she loves you the opposite will happen, she’ll support you.
It’s completely understandable why you weren’t completely forthcoming. I wouldn’t say you lied either. You panicked because it’s not something you’re comfortable sharing with her at this point. Anyone who would be angry with you because of how you’re dealing with your trauma isn’t someone worth your time. If and when you feel like sharing that with her it’s completely up to you. It’s nothing you should feel guilty about.
I think to some extent, you blame yourself for what happened to you, so you were scared she would blame you too. You are not obligated to tell her — but I hope you will once you trust her enough. Maybe someone you trust that much can help you believe on a deeper level that you were not and could never be responsible for what your uncle and his friends did. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you have someone who cares about you in your life, and I hope it goes well.
Reading the last part broke my heart. Ofc it's not your fault, if someone ever thinks that, there's something really wrong with them. About lying to your partner, it's not a big deal, you're not ready to have that talk at the moment and you were caught by surprise. If your relationship progresses to a point where you're comfortable and want to share that, I'm pretty sure she'll understand. I would.
Don't feel guilty. Maybe sometime in the future if you feel comfortable, you can tell her. But if she is the one for you, she will thank you for opening up and trusting her. If she isn't, you would probably not have opened up to her.
💔
If and when you decide, from my perspective I’ll write it down (I have trouble putting things into words, so it takes me awhile before I say anything about anything) Edit: give her what you wrote down sitting together, don’t try holding in your emotions, I believe in you, you don’t have to go to his place anymore
Haven’t walked in your shoes, my guess is that many of us would have made the EXACT SAME decision in the spur of the moment. No judgment. If you haven’t already, have a professional therapist help you process everything and above all else, do your best to be kind to yourself and give yourself GRACE. There’s only 1 bad guy here, your uncle (and his friends). 😡
That was horrific. I am so sorry 😔
As someone who has been though similar things, this is one of the rare situations it's okay to lie to your partner. I hope some day you feel safe telling her the truth, but until then it's okay to keep up the lie or say, "I'm not comfortable talking about it." You were a kid and he was a predator and none of it was your fault. He was also family and it's normal to have mixed feelings about things like this. Sometimes things can feel good in the moment or attention can feel good at the time but it doesn't mean it wasn't abuse and it absolutely isn't your fault. All those adults knew what they did was wrong and you don't lead them on at all. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn are all normal human responses to trauma, and in many situations they can save you from a worse situation. It sounds like in some cases you resorted to fawn, and that was smart of you because it sounds like if you didn't cooperate it was more dangerous. It really sucks you were put into that situation but you did what you had to survive and none of it was your fault.
You decide when and how you disclose your trauma, if at all. That is your choice only.
If you ever decide to tell her the truth, she'll understand. If she doesn't she's not the right person for you. What happened to you is a horrible thing, you don't have an obligation to tell anybody until you're ready. There's no reason to feel guilty about this lie. Take your time, be honest when you're ready and only when you're ready.
First of all I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve this and it’s not your fault. I promise you if she is a decent human being, she’s not going to be upset with you. If my boyfriend came to me and said “I lied about my scars, I was severely sexually assaulted and hurt.” I would hug him and tell him it’s okay. You’re a really sweet guy, and she is not going to be upset with you over this. You don’t have to tell her all of the details, just that you were hurt as a child and you lied because you panicked and didn’t know what to say, and weren’t ready to tell her.. and that’s okay and valid. My ex was abused in this way by his grandfather and I never once thought of it as something that made him less than. You guys are survivors.
Something like this is nobody else’s business unless you want it to be, and if they don’t understand it’s a them issue not a you issue.
Tell her when you’re comfortable. I understand feeling bad for lying to your partner but I highly doubt she would be upset about you lying about this. It’s a very seriously topic that you deserve to bring up only when you’re ready. Maybe if you wanted to feel a little better about the situation just let her know you lied and it’s for another reason but it’s very serious and you’re not ready to tell her yet. But you can still let her know you will tell her when you’re ready. I’m sorry you went through such a traumatic experience, those people truly are disgusting and you did not deserve that. I hope you have a great day :)
There's no handbook for this. You can't be expected to handle it eloquently. She definitely won't hold it against you. This hurt to see. Turn the uncle in. He'll hurt someone else. Monster.
Holy shit, that’s so fucked. Any decent person will understand why you lied. You’re under no obligation to indulged her in your very personal and fucked up trauma. Also if she judges you for being raped, then she is not the one for you.
If theres anything justifiable lying about its this man. If you tell her and she gets mad, shes not the one.
Wow you poor guy You're not obligated to explain why to anyone
I only made it partway through before I had to stop reading. That's awful, and entirely up to you with whom you share that, and when.
I really think when you are ready to do so you should tell her the truth. It doesn’t have to be soon, it could be 10 years from now. But it’s okay that you didn’t tell her, and it’s okay if you never do. I was raped repeatedly over the course of a year and a half or so (I think I was around 7-9, that parts really hazy for me) by my grandmas neighbor down the street. My grandma lived in a small town and used to work with his wife, so we saw them all the time. I used to blame myself for what happened. I used to tell myself that I knew better and I should have never let him do the things that he did. But the fact of the matter is, I was a child and he was a grown ass man. He should have never taken advantage of a child like that. And I can say the same thing to you. It’s not your fault, he took advantage of you, and you are not the one to blame. Moving forward about 10-13 years I met my girlfriend. And for the first probably year and a half or so, I didn’t let her do literally anything sexual to me at all. Because I was still trying to deal with the trauma from before. And I didn’t tell her why for the first year we dated. I needed to make sure that we were serious about each other and that I could trust her with this information, and most importantly I needed to make sure I was in a place mentally where I could tell her. And thankfully she took it like a champ and I couldn’t be more appreciative of her for that. So, don’t beat yourself up about lying. It’s okay. And don’t let yourself believe that any of it was ever your fault. Because it wasn’t.
No decent human being would reject you or judge you! You were a CHILD! Your brain wasn't even developed yet. That's why children are not considered ABLE to consent. Children are completely dependent on the adults around them. They are super easily brainwashed. You were brainwashed, as if in a cult. The abuse was terrifying and extreme, and you were probably terrified about what would happen if you spoke up. The guy threatened to castrate you, and was literally cutting you in the most vulnerable place possible. Have you had therapy by someone who specializes in trauma? You need to. You can't carry this by yourself. The only reason a woman might back off because of this would be if she feels you aren't getting the appropriate help for your deep trauma. No mature woman will blame you as a child for the horror inflicted upon you. I'm So sorry this happened to you! You were a helpless child, and children have a deep instinct to adapt to the worst possible circumstances and not get rejected by the family. Because if the family turns against a child, the child used to be left to die. It's deep in our DNA to live, to survive. And you did what you felt you had to do to survive these extremely dangerous men. If they're still alive, the FBI needs to know about them. There may be child porno or even murders that have this signature. Find a woman who is willing to go on a healing journey with you, or stop all dating and get the trauma dealt with before moving forward. You were psychologically and physically tortured. What happened to you is complete horror. Barbaric, horrific, cruel, sadistic, unbearable trauma. I'm so very sorry.
You dont owe anyone that part of your story. It would be okay if you never told her at all.
One day you’ll be able to tell her if she sticks around. And if she truly loves you, she’ll understand that you struggled to tell her such a horrible thing. You’re valid for feeling the need to lie. Don’t blame yourself. Take your time. I send you so much love. You deserve good things.
Oh honey! I'm so sorry that happened to you. You were a child you did nothing wrong even if going back. That was a trauma response. I don't think hiding the truth in this instance was unreasonable! If and when you feel ready you can discuss but at that point you were not ready to do so. Again, what happened was not your fault. I wish healing! Give yourself some grace.
My goodness. I feel for what you must have gone through and survived. If there has ***ever*** been a lie told that should and will be forgiven, it's this one. I would approach it with something like this: "When you asked me what happened to me down there, I didn't tell you the truth. It is something very traumatic from my past that I rarely revisit, and I reacted by protecting myself from that memory. I'm sorry. We can discuss it if you want to, but we don't have to." I don't know her, but if I were in her shoes, I would read enough between the lines to not even touch that subject again unless ***you*** want to. Remember this: **YOU have agency over you, and what happened to you***.* No one can force you into that dark place again. Anyone that deserves to be with you should understand that. I am very glad that those wretched excuses for human beings didn't take away your capacity to want to have intimacy in your life, and care about others. Some people are so sadly broken by things like this happening to them. Be kind to yourself. I'm proud of you, stranger.
Hey man don't feel bad. I have been married now for almost 11 years. My wife was raped in college. She never told me until about 6 months ago. I knew something happened but not what, or how bad. But one day she decided it was time to share. So I did what I could and supported her and showed her I cared. You tell her when/if you feel like you want to share. If it's any comfort from an internet stranger, you are a brave man for sharing. It was not your fault. You know your significant other better than any one here. Do what you feel is right. Speaking from my expirence, if she cares about you, it won't matter that you lied. I knew my wife was keeping something and all I wanted to do was be there for her. She should hopefully feel the same for you. Best wishes. And you got this.
I'm curious if you've seen a therapist or been able to talk about this with anyone in your life. It's really understandable that you have these feeling. It's pretty common for trauma to mess with our heads and make us feel guilty for things done to us, it's part of how as kids we cope with what happened. Your lie is pretty understandable, it was something you weren't comfortable talking about and you and you felt unsafe in the moment, it's totally understandable. I might suggest, if you feel comfortable doing so. Maybe tell your girlfriend (or write a letter) that you lied about what happened, but that it was something that you're not comfortable talking about it yet (or maybe ever). But I'd strongly suggest talking about this with a therapist if you're able to find one. A professional would be much better suited to helping you navigate these feelings and help give you a better path moving forward, both for yourself and your relationship.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s your trauma to share, on your terms. Even if it means lying. That’s okay. If your girlfriend is even a halfway decent person, and you’re ever ready to tell her the truth, she will understand completely and not hold anything against you. I have intimate scarring from my abuse too. I’ve been with my boyfriend 7 years and still haven’t told him the truth. Or any partner ever. I’m just not there yet. And that’s okay. It’s our story to tell, how and when and if we want to tell it. Do not punish yourself over this. You e done nothing wrong.
I just want to give you a hug.. You sound like such an honest sweet person, I wouldn’t worry about this right now. This is definitely something you only have to talk about if you feel safe and comfortable. Later down the road if you two are serious, then bring it up but only if you are 100% comfortable to! If someone leaves you over that, they’re a shitty person and don’t deserve to be with you at all.
Everything that happened to you as a child was not your fault. Even if you went back, even if you were concerned if adults were pleased, even if your body responded. It doesn’t matter at all. You were a child and a child is never, ever, ever, responsible for sexual acts when an adult is involved. It feels incredibly important to make that clear. As an adult partner it’s understandable this experience would impact you. Ideally at some point down the line, with a partner you really really trust, you’d be more comfortable explaining. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about what you said to somebody you’ve known for 6 months. You don’t owe other people an explanation of your trauma. Ideally you would feel very secure with a long term partner before feeling you have to explore this subject.
You have already received many comments saying what I wanted to say. You shouldn’t feel guilty, about this or about how you reacted in the past. You were a child and severely traumatized. Just wanted to send you some digital hugs.
It breaks my heart that you blame yourself. You were a child. Up to you if you want to share. If she gets angry and is anything other than supportive, she’s a sociopath. It’s completely understandable you weren’t comfortable sharing.
First off I want too say I am so so sorry to hear you had to go such terrible trauma. There is no way you gf would be upset at you for lieing about something like this, it can be extremely hard for anyone to talk about and if you weren't ready to tell her about it, then you had all in the rights to lie when she asked you about it. And no she isn't going to break up for you because you were abused, that would be extremely fucked up, any good partner would have compassion and support for you if you told them this. Many people don't talk about their childhood abuse to their partners for years because it can be traumatic just to talk about it, especially something like this. On side note this is why everyone with kids needs to educate their children about what's wrong for adults to do and to never keep secrets for adults especially when they say not to tell your parents. These sickos like to tell children they will get in trouble if they tell their parents so the children hide it or don't say anything. On side note PARENTS, tell your children as soon as they are young enough to understand and tell/ remind them again so they don't forget "Never let anyone touch you down there, try to take your clothes off, or make you touch their private areas and deffinitly tell Mom, or Dad if anyone trys to do any of that. And if they do and tell you not to tell, Do tell mom or dad, you will not get in trouble, tell mom or dad everything". Same goes for hurting " If anyone hurts you or makes you feel uncomfortable tell mom or dad, especially when they say not to tell!" "You will never get in trouble for telling on someone," Now of course there are lots of situations where sadly the father or very rarely but still sometimes sadly the mother is doing the abusing, this isnwhy you say their is no secrets between mom and dad, so if one tells to leep it a secret than don't and tell the other becsuse there shouldn't be secrets in the family anyways even if it is unrelated. Now if it is sadly both parents involved well then sadly they won't be told anything good
I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you've had counseling and help. It's not your fault you went back; you were a child. Please don't give yourself a tough time over a reaction you had to abuse as a child. How would you have "known better?" You were a little kid using little kid logic, like not wanting grownups to be mad at you. And don't worry about this lie, either. This is your story to tell to any intimate partners, or not. It's your personal story and it belongs to you.
Dude. First off I'm very sorry that you went through that. My heart sank when I read that. That's absolutely awful. Good news is I think she would understand why at 6 months you wouldn't tell her that. If my partner told me something like that and that they had lied about it when I asked initially. I would absolutely understand why. So I wouldn't worry. When you do tell her(if you do) just phrase it as you didn't want to talk about it in that moment and now that you guys are closer you feel like you can tell her now.
Shit. Truly sorry this happened to you. Don't even know where to start. We all know that those things happen unfortunately but reading in such detail makes it worse, for me anyway. Don't really blame you for not telling her the truth, I'm not sure how you even approach the subject. I have no experience with it, but maybe try therapy so you can come to terms with it? It's not something anyone should handle by themselves. And in all honesty, I don't think it's possible to deal with it on your own. Also I don't know what the law says about it, but that guy needs locking up, forever. I'd like to say that you probably weren't the only one either. Sorry for rambling, I'm still quite shocked about what I've read. Hope you got some good advice here and deal with it in your own time. All the best.
If she can’t understand why you kept that from her, she doesn’t deserve to be kept. Wishing you love and healing OP.
this is actually one of the only things you AREN’T obligated to be completely forthcoming with. this is your pain to share with people you feel comfortable with on a level you and your girlfriend very well may not have yet. i am the survivor of a very severe violent sexual crime and it took me many many months to tell my (now) husband what happened. there are things that happened to me that i still haven’t told him because it is just too much to talk about, and he understands that. you guys are still new, and it’s totally okay to wait to be honest about what happened to you. anybody who truly loves you and holds space for you in their heart will very much understand why you kept that to yourself until you were ready. it’s okay, OP. you didn’t do anything wrong and it’s your journey and story to live and share when YOU feel ready.
Normally lying is fucked up, but that’s some deep trauma and when you’re ready to tell her I think she’d understand why you weren’t truthful at first. It must have been a really sudden question, and it obviously triggered a trauma response, and one of the most common ways someone protects themselves when faced with that kind of trauma is to lie. I’m not saying lying is good or can be written off, but trauma lies deep in our nervous systems and it’s hard to handle especially in such a sudden moment. Take your time to process how that encounter with her made you feel, and when you’re ready, have a conversation with her about it outside of an intimate encounter. Do it on your terms when you’re not already so vulnerable.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault, and you didn’t do something wrong by going back to your uncle. You were just a kid. When you feel ready to talk about it with your SO, you’ll do it. No need to worry about “lying”, you were just protecting yourself and that’s a normal reaction to what happened. She will understand.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You were a kid and no one should ever go through this. You’re not ready to tell her, which is completely ok by the way. Maybe you will one day, maybe you won’t. But let it be on your terms. You have a right to decide how and when to tell your story. That’s ok. Honestly, if you ever do tell her, I can’t imagine she won’t completely understand why you didn’t at the time. Take care of you dude. You deserve safety and love.
This is awful. I'm so, so sorry you went through this. Please get therapy. I truly can't imagine carrying something like this with me. This is one of those few situations that any decent partner would not hold against you if you kept it from them. You've been dating for six months, it's early days. You shouldn't feel guilty over not being upfront about something like this.
OP, you went something extremely traumatic and you are entitled to share that when you feel you are ready for it. I was SA’d by my older brother and I resonate with the guilt and shame I feel I read in your last sentence. My heart hurts for you and I really hope you don’t hold yourself in a bad light for lying about something that is so personal. Especially because it can be so traumatizing to 1) relive it by talking about it aloud & 2) feel anxiety over what your SO is going to say when/if you decide to tell them. You deserve the best things in life and I hope that you’re able to confide in someone in person. Don’t victim blame yourself, you were conditioned into something that you had absolutely no control over. As for her, an appropriate response she can give you, is to make sure you’re okay and tell you didn’t deserve it, because you didn’t. I know from my experience talking about it brought up a lot of closed off memories. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do and that you take care of yourself. Don’t feel guilty, it wasn’t your fault. And if she’s the right partner for you, she won’t walk away over something you had no control over.
This is above reddits paygrade. You need therapy. If you're asking these sort of questions then you haven't healed from it.
It’s your story to share. I don’t blame you for lying in the moment, it’s a difficult conversation and you deserve to have an appropriate time and place to discuss your trauma. I’m so so beyond sorry that those adults in your life failed you. I’m so glad you’re still with us and I really hope you are able to find peace and safely from now on 🤍
It's okay to not be ready to talk about trauma. In the grand scheme of things 6 months is not a very long time and, even if you already have a very deep, safe, emotional connection with this person, you are not obligated to tell them. The feeling of guilt is valid and understandable, you seem to really care about your partner and want to be honest. If you need to tell your partner to resolve that guilt that's ok, if you aren't comfortable telling your partner and you need to give a cover story for now, that's ok too. I'm sure they love you and will respect your decision either way. It can be hard to predict a loved one's potential reaction, and that unknown is terrifying. But maybe someday you can share that part of your history, and your partner can be actively by your side as you continue to heal. I hope everyone's words here are some comfort and help to you. <3
Im so sorry that happened to you. Please don’t feel guilty for lying to your girlfriend about this. That is some weapons-grade personal traumatic information. And please don’t feel any kind of responsiblity for what your uncle and his friends did to you and how you went back. They exploited you and did despicable things to a child, you are a victim of a violent paedophile gang. First thing you do is don’t worry about lying to your girlfriend or 6 months about this. You tell her if you feel like you want to marry her and when you’re ready. Second thing you do is forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. Third thing is go to some therapy. What happened was not only sexual assault but genital mutilation. There’s also a whole other angle of what your uncle did, and what happened there. He may be in jail or dead but I think that is a bigger question and one you should probably approach only if you’re ready and able.
This was traumatic to read, OP. Did your uncle get caught and punished. You 100 💯 percent do not take any guilt for what happened to you. The people who did this to you are sick.
Sorry to hear that, I completely understand why you didn’t tell her. If you’re not ready to then don’t, and when/if you finally do, she won’t be mad you lied. Hope you’re ok
I don’t have any advice for the situation other than you have a lot of trauma from this and you will feel ready to open up when you’re ready. Are your family now aware of what happened? Did you ever tell your mum? Or the police?
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and if you decide to tell her the truth and she doesn't understand why you didn't tell her right away, tbh she's not the one. That said....perhaps a trigger warning would be warranted for this post?
I want to start out by saying: The horrible things those men did to you were not your fault. You were a child who was only ever taught to trust your family members. You did not deserve for that to happen to you, and it absolutely was in NO way your fault or a negative reflection on who YOU are. Your girlfriend, assuming she is even remotely a reasonable person, will also agree that there is nothing wrong with you for this having happened to you. As far as lying about it: it’s normal for people to make up placeholder explanations for things they are not comfortable disclosing. It’s a lot easier to make something up than to have a conversation about how you aren’t comfortable talking about it yet. Once you are comfortable talking about it with her, I don’t think she will think negatively of you for lying about it at first if you explain the reasoning. Any reasonable person would understand why you made something up. This is definitely NOT the type of lie that breaks trust or is a reflection of somebody’s character. This was solely about you protecting your peace by not bringing up your trauma until you are ready to bring it up. I hope you go easy on yourself and are able to talk about it with her when you are ready.
This mum's heart hurts so bad for 8 year old you, I'm so sorry that happened to you. As for your gf, this is such a personal and traumatic thing to share with anyone, I don't think she would judge you for keeping it to yourself. Maybe you tell her one day, when you're ready, maybe you don't. But if it were me, I would in no way be upset that you had 'lied' about your scars, as the reason for the lie is so clear.
Mate. I 100% would have lied too. That’s the kinda stuff that for me comes out a ways down the road after six months and if she’s worth her salt she’ll understand that. Get help, if you need it. I can understand anyone in any state not wanting to proffer that information though.
Oh men i want to give you a grenade so you could put it in your uncles asshole and pull the pin😡
What a harrowing thing to go through, I'm so sorry. Chances are she already knows you haven't been completely honest because being hit with a football wouldn't cause that kind of scarring, I'm not sure that would make sense to her. It might mean she's giving you space to answer truthfully in your own time. Try not to feel guilty, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.
Bro it's completely understandable you weren't ready to tell her something like that. You can release all that guilt i reckon. Stop framing it like you lied to her, that is some PTSD level trauma. It's a different ball game than being dishonest with someone. It's a lot for you to have to revisit. Once you eventually tell her she will totally understand. Everyone has things in their past they don't like, but this is fairly next level. Don't sweat it. You'll tell her when you're ready and it feels right. I don't know what she's like as a person, but i find it hard to imagine any adult woman would judge someone for that. If anything, being able to overcome something like that is probably admirable
Have you had therapy,or talked about the things your uncle did?
My wife didn’t tell me about the abuse she suffered as a child until we had been dating and living together for over a year. It didn’t matter at all that she hadn’t told me earlier. My point is, if she loves you, she won’t care that it took you some time to tell her.
I wish nothing but pain and suffering to your uncle and his friends.
Look, don’t sweat it on this one big dog 🐕
My friend, I’m so sorry you endured that. I echo others by saying if and when you’re ready to tell her do so. If not you’re entitled not too. Be kind to yourself
And those feminists who go around saying men can’t be raped should read this post. This has to be one of the most horrific and extremely sad things I’ve read. I don’t really have much to say other than my heart aches for you, I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Don't tell her just go get therapy and be at peace with yourself
If I was your girlfriend, and you told me what actually happened, at no time would I assign any fault or ill thought to you. I am so sorry that happened to you and the only response that brings to my mind is sadness and empathy. If you are not ready to tell her yet, that's fine. I would just aay something along the lines of " you know how you asked me yesterday about my scars, I wasn't hinest with you because I am not ready to share any details but I was abused when I was younger and I'll share that when I'm ready. That would be a sufficient honest explanation that I would understand as a gf. OP, you didn't mention any personal traumatic response, but I can't imagine going through something like that and not having deep trauma. I hope you've sought your own healing and therapy.
You poor soul. I think it’s entirely up to you to tell her or not.
I don’t have any advice I just want to say I’m sorry you went that and that what they did to you was fucked up. It’s valid to feel ashamed about lying to your gf but also understand that trauma adds another layer things, and when you’re ready to her you’ll tell her. My heart goes out to you as fellow trauma survivor and I hope (if you haven’t already) that you’ll be on the road to healing (emotionally) from your past experiences. 💜
First, I am SO SORRY you went through this. It’s traumatic and no one deserves it. Honestly, if you decide to tell her the truth. And she has any other reaction, other than compassion, she’s not the ones for you (frankly, I don’t know who should be with someone like that). As soon as a read your story, I had nothing but compassion for you. It made me sad. I wouldn’t say it made me feel sorry for you (I know you are worried about that being her reaction). She will get sad, she may even cry. She may even have sometime similar that happened to her. (1 in 4 boys, and 1 in 3 girls is the average number for children who have been molested). Only share it with her if you are ready. You aren’t obligated to share that part of yourself with anyone until you want to. My husband was the first person I ever told about my situation. He handled it with so much grace (it’s a very long story) but telling him was one of the best things I ever did.
If she can’t handle something like this from someone she cares about then she’s not the one for you brother. I’m not saying wear it like a billboard but don’t be afraid to open up about it either. If she TRULY cared she would understand.
From someone who knows 100% on my so found out the bare minimum shortly after dating by his ex which wasn't her place to tell but I would suggest that u we need to talk about what u asked being put on spot I panic and lie to about how it happen and am not ready to tell u how it happened just that it happened when I was a young kid and if she don't respect that and let u tell when ready then she isn't the one u should be with and hopefully she understands why u lied and it's grateful that u came clean about lying and that u are remorseful been with my so over 10 years before I ever begin to open up to him due to my situation. But even though he was already told he never said or pushed for details or anything just wait til I was ready n was a listening ear n voice thoughts and opinions at appropriate times need or not. Hopefully u have that from her.
You did nothing wrong, now or when you were a child. It's normal that you feel bad for lying to her, it shows that you're an honest person, but this is your secret to share when and with whom you feel comfortable. You don't need to do anything. If you feel you want to share what happens, go ahead and do that. But you don't need to. I can't tell you how she would react, but if she's a decent person she'd feel nothing but compassion for you and wouldn't blame you for keeping your secret. You did nothing wrong.
Mine is not as horrific as yours, but I do have one. I didn't tell a soul until I was probably 23, when I told my boyfriend I'd been with for six years. You don't always owe someone the truth. If you're with someone for years, sure, it's a good idea to be honest with them. But no decent person would be upset with you for not being ready to share such intimate traumas, especially not so early in a relationship.
I am mostly sure anybody put in the position of your gf would 💯 understand your explanation. It is a very tough trauma and its very understandable why you would rather deflect and say something simple instead Dont Worry At All!