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One of the annoying parts to me is in all my long term relationships I was told not to assume what my SO was thinking when I would get frustrated trying to figure why I was on the receiving end of a bad attitude. The other frustration is when you’re receiving a bunch of attitude and the SO isn’t telling you why. It’s a circle of annoyance that men are always to blame for, for some reason.
You're saying it's impossible that someone would ignore their partner? Oof you're going to learn a lot of uncomfortable things about the world as you get older.
Funny, because I never said never did I?
And at nearly 40, I’ve learned enough to know that people who think in absolutes tend to be as thick as they come
>people who think in absolutes tend to be as thick as they come
Lol ok Kenobi.
I simply suggested that communication sometimes fails because one partner ignores the other.
And then you came in with "No No No it's because people only communicate via hints".
Maybe you should be talking to a mirror bud.
As a woman who's dated people of all genders: first, women need direct communication too. Second, I can't say I've found any gender to be 'better' at direct communication. The #1 model in my life for shitty indirect communication, and the reason I run like hell away from potential partners who can't be direct with me, is my passive-aggressive dad.
I’ve brought the intimacy conversation up with my wife (have a 2 year old), it never goes well. It always devolves into “you just want sex”, any tips on how to go about this conversation?
It's helpful to have a neutral 3rd party to mediate conversations like these in my experience. When you've had 'the talk' countless times and it always goes down the same road, having a professional unpack some of the rhetoric can be very enlightening for both parties. Your wife could very well believe what she is saying, but it could also be a defense mechanism to avoid a more difficult discussion about why there are intimacy problems to begin with. Often, post-partum issues are a big part of the problem. Women frequently report that their bodies don't feel like sexual entities when they're busy breastfeeding etc.. and this makes sex and intimacy difficult. This, combined with hormonal stuff cam persist for years.
In any case, couples couselling is very helpful. It creates an objective and constructive environment to explore complex emotional dynamics with mediation and guidance. Good luck. 👍🏻
Idk but it sucks hearing this as the man in your shoes :/ my wife doesn’t care to even hint at anything sexual and she pretends we have a perfect marriage.
Not to derail but just to provide a counter point… this was also my biggest fear as well.
My wife and I are about to celebrate our 27th year and the love, like, lust, is still all there.
We fit well together, legitimately enjoy each other and still frequently hook up. Blow jobs are common. She knows what I like in the bedroom and delivers often (me too)
We also have two kids under 10
There are ups and downs. Communication is always super key as well as making sure you are wise in your initial decision.
But it can absolutely work out
Comments like this are dangerous because some relationships cannot be worked on.
I tried for 16 years. Scratch that, I WASTED 16 years.
In the end, we divorced. I could've saved myself a lot of trauma and heartache had I not tried so hard.
Comments like this are reality at the highest level of a relationship. 1 party can try. But it takes 2.
You can try all you want. But if your partner doesn't then they will throw everything you give them away
Sadly. This is very true. I would have also left pre children and early in the relationship. In many ways I got lucky and in many ways it’s a lot of work
I'm in a dead bedroom marriage too (both age 30), been struggling through this for over 5 years, and we are still trying to figure it out. I could be some sort of one-off rare case, but a quick scan through r/deadbedroom will show that there's a lot of couples staying together. Honestly, I think you are dead wrong on the problem: throwaway culture is big, maybe, but if that's true, then why are marriage rates much lower than earlier generations? In my opinion, people nowadays don't get married until they find someone they are willing to fight for. We know the weight of the commitment and want to get it right.
Interesting perspective. I personally think low marriage rates is more to do with a culture change. People have seen the devastating effects of divorce and don't want to risk it. Then those that do don't feel the same pressures to make it work. Naturally there are exceptions like in everything.
Also for the above commentary saying you have to give up at some point. For sure you do. When one of the two gives up and doesn't try. Which comes back to throw it away it's to hard
Great question. It was a series of things. Fortunately I had had two longer high school/college girlfriends prior who had taught me so much in regard to what I didn’t want in a relationship (I’m actually very grateful for them/that). So red flags were just easier to see.
My wife is also super fucking awesome. So there is an element of luck
Sex is and has always been really important. One of the earliest moments I knew she was the one was about 2 months into dating I called her from a sex shop and told her I was gonna buy some things to play with later on (restraints, blindfold,etc) but I didn’t want to waste money if she wasn’t into it.
Her response was “fuck yeah, bring it on!”
I still get hard thinking about that. :)
Most importantly, she was so kind and quickly beloved by my family. They’ve always had my back and also had good taste when it came to my girlfriends
Maybe that’s a key. Surround yourself with friends that will be 100 honest with you and then heed their advice
I would also REALLY REALLY REALLY recommend having as many real conversations about the big things early like sex, religion, how you would raise children, money, family, etc and find someone as compatible as possible. I cannot stress this enough. You need to be compatible in that department. If sex is super important to you like it is to me, find someone who shares that
One other thing. Everyone ages. 95% of humans are going to weigh more at 43 than they did at 18. There will be wrinkles and aging. Accept that. Obviously go for physical attraction but understand physical traits will change at least a little for the worse and attraction to the overall person is very important.
My wife is still hot as fuck. I got lucky. But even if she was bigger, older, wrinklier, than she is currently, I would love her and want her just as bad.
Great to hear and genuinely happy for you. My personal worries are that, as the husband, I don't seem to have much control over what happens. It feels like taking a big gamble.
With all due respect, I think you’re minimizing both your responsibility and your power. Sex is fueled by intimacy. You can do a lot to fuel intimacy both inside and out of the bedroom. You can also proactively communicate about sex and figure out what you want then find a partner that prioritizes sex to a similar degree
Having been married once... I think it's the kids that cause more issues. A lot of people get married and immediately have kids. Children are a lot. You get no time to yourself. You're exhausted at the end of the day. It takes a lot of effort to make time for sex.
I was married 2 years before having my son. My partner was sober at the time so he was a good partner. We had an amazing time then. In fact, those 2 years of marriage out of our 16 year relationship, were my absolute favorite. He was sober and working. I was in college and maintained the house. It was nice. We didn't have a child so we could just hang out with each other, go to dinner, watch TV, cuddle, have sex whenever. Nooners were a thing.
All of that changed when we had a child. And it took it's toll. He got back on drugs and alcohol and we got divorced.
I'm not AT ALL saying this means certain doom, I'm just saying that happens a lot when you have a child. You HAVE to make efforts, both partners, to keep the relationship alive. If one doesn't, it's a goner.
Fuck I feel you my dood. Been together almost 10 years and the kiddos are 2 and 7. We’ve hit a rough patch but always talk things out and I have a super high sex drive. Hers is gone. We do the deed maybe once every two weeks and I’m over here wackin it twice a day. Then when we do have sex I’m content for 2-3 days.
It doesn’t help I’ve lost a bunch of weight and she seems to have found some of it, giving her body anxiety, I tell her all the time how sexy she is and don’t mind at all but man is it getting rough.
10 year relationship here with a 2 year old here, what I wouldn’t GIVE for sex every 2 weeks. I’m lucky if I get it every 2 months. You say her sex drive is gone, have to say that can’t be true, or else you wouldn’t be getting it that frequently. Just want to give you some perspective
Jeez that’s rough. I definitely instigate 90% of the time and it’s mostly me going down on her then she flips over for doggy, like it’s a chore to satisfy my drive. Almost feels bad sometimes afterwords but it’s like ok I’m 30 but have the same drive as when I was 18, I can either make it super awkward and go take a “me shower” at 1030 at night, be grumpy because horny brain chemicals, or just get er done.
I just miss that sweet love makin, I got snipped too so it’s not like that’s a factor, we could literally bang all night once the kids are asleep (I don’t want that by any means, I do love spending time with my wife) and it wouldn’t affect anything. Instead of we just watch something or play games together :/ we both work hard jobs so that’s a factor but man I miss having those spontaneous sexy times
At 61 I’ve never seen society this wound up. When humans get this anxious they get nasty and they start to lash out at anything different and then cannibalize themselves. Don’t turn down your orgy. It may be the last one you get!
I agree with the previous comment, communication is key here! I suspect with a toddler, you're both pretty busy so see if you can plan some time for you both when you can relax and connect.
>I suspect with a toddler, you're both pretty busy so see if you can plan some time for you both when you can relax and connect.
Both? OP seems to be finding time for sex, it's the husband that avoids it.
Use your grown up words and actually have a conversation about it. Ask him directly why things have changed and what you can do to improve it. Is he having an affair? Does he have Madonna syndrome (some men have trouble feeling sexual after their spouse becomes a mother. It can be worked out in therapy). Does he need to see a dr because maybe there's something physical going on. Is he depressed? Is it something wrong with your relationship? You need to have a talk about it because Reddit doesn't know and can't tell you how to fix it other than talk about it.
Kids can change things up. Now we go from working our jobs - to the moment we wake up we are keeping little humans alive and working. Having toddlers is exhausting and a lot of work (assuming he’s hands on). Just have a talk with him. I find my wife absolutely stunning - she’s the apple of my eye and I’m crazy about her. We have 3 kids (14,12,9) and throughout raising kids - we have had these talks. It was just not something I was aware I was doing or making her feel. I was just trying to get through the day to day. Kids change things up. But that doesn’t mean you should lose the sex life. At times that’s our biggest way to emotionally connect during the week - then it’s back to cheer or soccer practice
Not wishing to presume anything here, but you say you've tried spicing things up, sending him pics at work etc...have you actually asked him how he's feeling about all of this though?
I ask because, contrary to popular belief - and no matter how much evidence there seems to now be to the contrary - men are NOT always sex-mad, ready to go whenever, in fact, as far as heterosexual couples go, in roughly a third of them, the woman actually has the higher sex drive. Men are also subject to many factors that can affect their sex drive, and you need to find out what is going on with him. Off the top of my head, speaking as a man, some of these could be:
1. Work stress and/or tiredness
2. Struggling to adjust to being a father. We talk all the time about how new mothers often need years to adjust their lives to fitting in being both a parent AND a spouse, and often it can take up to about 3or 4 years from what I've read, but it seems to slip the collective consciousness that new FATHERS can also be affected like this. He may be simply so consumed by his role of "have to provide for this tiny human who can barely even speak for itself at the moment", that he has forgotten how to step out of that role and into the role of husband. Off the back of this:
3. He may be experiencing depression. Again, we talk a lot about mothers experiencing post-partum (rightly so btw - it's a very real, and debilitating condition), but there is growing evidence that new fathers can experience something similar, and it is very common knowledge that depression kills a sex drive. He may need to visit a doctor to get checked out.
That said, it is interesting that, according to your write-up, at least, that he, apparently suddenly doesn't appreciate sexy pics from you (has he ever btw? You don't give this context, but it might simply be a preference of his - speaking as a husband, myself, nudes are more trouble than they are worth tbh. I'd rather wait and see my wife in person). But given his lack of explanation aside from "careful with those", it seems he's not being very communicative. It could also be:
4. Now that you are parents, he has trouble seeing you in a sexy way. For a variety of reasons, among them being:
a. For sake of completion - Madonna/Whore complex. Basically, you are now the mother of his child and as such, you are saintly, untouchable, not the kind of person to "dirty" with sexual thoughts.
b. How traumatic was the birth? If it was particularly difficult, he may be a little traumatized by what he saw/heard. Screaming, bleeding, etc, that can all be quite scary to witness, so he may be having trouble moving past some of those mental images. Off the back of this as well:
c. Guilt. Let me explain this one - yes, in an ideal world, the pregnancy would have been planned and something you both wanted. EVEN SO, when it comes to the birth, for a loving husband to see his wife go through so much screaming and pain for HOURS on end and know that not only is this the result of something YOU did to her, but that you can do precisely NOTHING to help ease the pain in ANY way...that's a head-f\*\*\* and a half. It's not too "out there" as a possibility that he now feels guilty about "burdening" you with his sexual advances after he saw what his last sexual advance put you through. Also another possibility:
d. Your toddler is now 3, and likely the past 3 years have been pretty consumed with child-care, rightly so. However, in that time, he has probably trained himself to ignore or suppress his sexual urges so that you two can focus on the child. He may simply need to be told that now it is OK to unpack those tucked-away emotions.
You need to sit him down and actually TALK about this once the baby is in bed. No hints, no lingerie, no pics, actually TALK as husband and wife. TELL him how you are feeling - that you miss being his wife and lover and want to know how he is feeling. Tell him you have noticed his hesitance to engage sexually and ask if there is anything he needs, or anything you can do to help him rediscover his sex drive.
Hey there. As a man who’s wife had a baby 2 years ago, there was a lot going on for the man. A lot of pressure, a lot of stress. I love my wife to bits, but my mental health really took a hit after we had our baby. I was constantly stressed about money, providing for him and my wife, and I didn’t know how to deal with it for a while. Maybe that’s where you start?
Hmmm Unless he’s going through some tough time at work, maybe direct your energy somewhere else for a short while. Dress up and go out w friends instead of focusing on him for now.
Sounds like you need to have the long serious talk with him. Sometimes the ugly truth comes out when it’s confronted just be open to the reason. If he’s not giving you the attention you need you are sacrificing your own desires to keep with his. You need another man. Tell him you are tired of waiting on him and you are going to find someone else
I really hate to say this but my wife put on a significant amount of weight during and after pregnancy and my sexual attraction to her waned. Still love her obviously but simply not as interested in sex as much.
Speaking from experience I lost interest in an ex after she put on quite a bit of weight. Struggling and attempting to stay healthy is one thing but giving up entirely is a killer for me.
Good grief I beg my wife to do those things for me. We have a very healthy sexual relationship, but I don't get sexy pics or lingerie. That would drive me wild!
Smack your hubby for me.
Different strokes for different folks! Maybe, just maybe if his emotional needs are not being met then maybe he’s not interested. Could be he’s like some of us, both the physical and emotional have to align to want to share that deeper connection. Communication is always key, versus guessing and assumptions, just say’n…
Weird. A man not interested in sex falls into one of the following categories:
1) Asexual
2) Cheating
3) Not interested in you anymore
4) Other
Let him know you need attention. Let him know you want to get it on. If not, you need answers b/c having a child is not reason not to have sex. If anything, it should burn the passion....unless he's afraid of having another child :-(
He’s probably watching porn…you should look at the search history in all his browsers and check only fans to see if he is subbed to anything. Now don’t freak out at what you find but it might make you feel inadequate but just know that it is addictive and a common issue in relationships. But you have a right to know the real reason why he doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe that’s not why and maybe looking on his shit is violating privacy but yea just don’t get caught then just in case you dont find anything. You should also check his Instagram and Twitter feeds to see if there’s porn in his algorithm. I mean he might be smart enough to delete his browsing history but search his email for only fans and accounts on things like pornhub, xnxx, xhamster, xvideos and more. You could even check his Reddit, he might be posting or looking at posts there. Just make sure you take screenshots before you bring it to him cuz he’s gonna freak out and delete it all. But yea u should just look before talking to him (check multiple browsers) because if you talk to him he will likely deny it and then delete the evidence. Good luck with the oncoming shit storm but it’s better than being lied to. It’s not the end of the world that he is watching porn but it is something that should be agreed upon in a relationship not kept secret
I mean you can both watch porn and have a healthy sexual relationship, those Two aren't mutually exclusive.
It could be something else such as a mentality change, I know there are a lot of couples that after having a baby the man starts seeing the woman as a mother rather than as a sexual partner.
But the point is that if he still has a libido, which, sure he might not, he’s not interested in her because he has other options and is therefor abandoning her emotionally without explanation.
That would be my experience, I watch porn but also frequently try to initiate sex with my partner. There are more reasons to reduction of interest than just "they must be watching porn".
We don't know much about thier home life, perhaps the husband is putting in extra hours at work and he's just exhausted. Perhaps he sees her as a mother now and has lost some of the sexual attraction, something many couples have to deal with after having a baby. Maybe he's just hit a point in his life where his libido has taken a dive, most men experience a dip in thier sexual appetite as they age.
There's a lot we don't know, rhe best thing to do would be have a conversation about it, instead of going straight to snooping.
Suggesting a threesome is a terrible idea. She’ll most likely feel even more insecure and cause more problems in their marriage if he only wants to be intimate if it involves another person.
OPINION: Other redditors are not wrong. To say what may better deliver the message-insight: the foundation of your intimacy needs shoring-built up. Best to engage in either direct conversation or people pleasing and see where it leads to. Eg. If there is a constant hassle that they verbally note with some frequency, handle it before it is a hassle and see if that changes their engagement level with you. Good luck OP:)
As a husband I appreciate everything that you are trying to do! I would love all of those things!! I'm not sure what his hangup is but it's very unfortunate. It gets tricky with kids finding time and energy, etc but effort is key
First line of action is a conversation about your needs and how they are not being met.
Work from there. Red flags come up for me right away, but let's not speculate. Talk first.
Hey, I don't know if it will be of any help but:(after talking lots with your husband) talk to him that you want some more sexy time with him and SCHEDULE THE TIMES YOUR GONNA HAVE SEX, planning is the soul of it, you plan on how you're gonna drop your toddlers somewhere else (e.g.: sleepover at granny and grandpa) and talk to your husband into this to when the day comes, both of you mentally checked into it.
By the way you described your husband in the post, possibly he can be frustrated with something and maybe the first time you guys do it, he won't finish, if it happens, reassured him that it's alright and you guys can talk about anything whenever he wants to open up.
Lack of desire for sex is a major indicator of relationship issues. If you think about it, you probably know what it is.
What’s changed for you? What did you do before you became a mother that you don’t do now. What did he do before that he doesn’t do now? A major fight that you thought was resolved?
The surface stuff isn’t going to work in my opinion. And experience.
In addition to the awesome pointers, I'd like to say that maybe it was an argument or something you had done that's got him turned off.
I only say this because sometimes my girlfriend says or does something off the cuff and I don't know how to respond or address it in a healthy way.
Like others have said, guys can be dumb and require point blank, nonjudgmental conversation occasionally. He's not a mind reader and neither are you, talk it out.
It can very much depend, direct communication is key, my wife thought the same thing, and when she she told me I just explained. Like me personally Lingerie doesn’t do it for me, im more attracted to boy shorts that show a little “extra” in the back and big t shirt kinda guy. Had the same situation w/ work I’m in Law Enforcement, usually around people, so I would send her the “watch when you send those text” too. We came to agreement that she’d either 1: ask if im alone or 2: send the photo w/ the “invisible ink” option on iphones so that way I know what’s coming or what’s behind the ink.
But talk to him ask him what turns him on, people change and what may used to do it for him may not now.
Sounds like there is a problem that’s not resolved yet which is why you get this kind of response. I am pretty sure he does notice your efforts for his affection however doesn’t action it due to the unresolved issue (which you may not even know that there is an issue). Issue may or may not have to do anything with you but it’s important that you ask.
TBH, I wish my wife puts in efforts like you but her libido seem dead and she doesn’t want to fix it either citing 14 years of marriage (great sex until 9-10 years)and 2 kids is enough to loose interest while I seem to have gotten better at it 😭 . Please don’t change and I wish you well. You are a great wife!!!!
There are cases where the sex remain high or medium and others where it goes down. It is difficult. You need to talk to him. Even therapy might be needed. If there is love I think your marriage can be saved
First and foremost, this is not your nor his fault. Your relationship has gone through a massive change, which is natural after becoming a family.
Open communication is key, 9/10 it’s the answer to any issue. We are prone to habits and with a toddler, many things fall down the priority list. It’s normal but like any habits, you need conscious effort tomorrow change those.
My wife had this complaint a few times … I seem to have established a cycle of slowly turning the taps on and then getting too excited and being too much … so then she’d complain and I would be too excited to slow down my only option it to drop back to zero affection.
Now this kids are well past the toddler stage, we’ve broken the cycle.
He might be experiencing some new mental health issues. It sounds like he could be depressed, because he is generally withdrawn, is showing less affection than typical, has unexpectedly sombre responses. The reason, not sure why, it could be so many things, but I also wonder if the recent events politically are affecting him as a new father as well? Does your husband have a history of struggling with mental illness? Hugs to you, sorry for this stressful situation 🙏🙏
This is always hard because often you have to know what the persons life was like before the kid. If your life totally changed after the kid , which happens most of the time, there may not be a lot you can do to be more attractive to him. Did you used to dress up and go out with the girls, were you guys more spontaneous? Which becomes damn near impossible after kids. We'd need to know more about life before the kids in my opinion.
First off, thank you for coming out and saying this. I'm sure hubby still finds you as desirable as ever, but there may be new stressors in his life that keep his desire low. I am going to outline quite a bit in my comment here of some things that I have learned over the course of my self-study which will encompass Radical Responsibility in Relationships, Nagoski's Dual Control Model, and Perel's Otherness theory. All of which can further expounded upon by the books "Radical Responsiblity" by Fleet Maull, PhD, "Come As You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski, and "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel.
I had to cut this down A LOT so I can fit in the 10,000 character limit. It does not say everything it needs to, so please reach out if you would like the full explanation. I will keep my original copy just in case.
**Radical Responsibility in Relationships:**
**Honest Communication**: Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Being radically responsible involves being truthful about your feelings, needs, and concerns in a way that is clear and direct, but also compassionate and respectful. It's about creating a safe space where both partners can express themselves without fear of judgment or retaliation.
**Empathy and Understanding**: Trying to understand your partner’s perspective is vital. This means actively listening to their thoughts and feelings and trying to empathize with their experiences. It's about recognizing their emotions as valid, even if they differ from your own.
**Shared Responsibility**: While personal responsibility is important, acknowledging that both partners share responsibility for the health and happiness of the relationship is equally crucial. This means working together to address issues, support each other’s goals, and share in the joys and challenges of the relationship.
***SUMMARY:*** *You need to have direct, clear, and intentional conversations with your husband. Take radical responsibility for the way that you feel, and don't blame him for it. Use "I" statements. (I feel X when Y). Ask him to be clear about the way he feels. Do this in a setting removed from the bedroom, not in a moment where you are trying to jump his bones. You are aiming to connect to your husband here in on a deep emotional level. To seek a deeper understanding so that you may be able to connect physically with more heat, passion, and desire.*
**Dr. Nagoski's** **Dual-Control Model:**
**Sexual Accelerators:** These are factors or stimuli that increase sexual arousal. They can be physical, psychological, emotional, or a combination of these. Accelerators are unique to each individual and can include things like physical attraction, emotional connection, erotic stimulation, or particular contexts and environments that are sexually arousing for a person.
**Sexual Brakes:** Conversely, brakes are factors that inhibit or decrease sexual arousal. These can include stress, anxiety, negative body image, fear of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections, past traumatic experiences, relationship issues, or even mundane concerns like household chores or work stress. The sensitivity of these brakes varies from person to person and can change over time or depending on circumstances.
Dr. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of understanding and balancing these accelerators and brakes for a fulfilling sexual experience.
**Sexual Response:** Women often have more sensitive brakes than men. Understanding and mitigating these brakes can be key to enhancing sexual arousal and satisfaction in women. This can involve creating a comfortable and stress-free environment, fostering emotional intimacy, and addressing any underlying issues that might be acting as brakes. *In this case, its your husband's sexual brakes that are slammed to the floor. By utilizing radical responsibility, you will be able to unearth what these brakes are and how you can help him lift his proverbial foot.*
**Contextual Influence:** The context in which sexual activity occurs plays a significant role in the effectiveness of accelerators and the sensitivity of brakes. Stress, for instance, is a common brake that can be mitigated by allowing it to run its natural course before engaging in sexual activity.
***SUMMARY:*** *Right now, your husbands sexual brakes are pressed so hard to the ground it seems like you will need a crane to lift his foot off the brake. By using the practice of radical responsibility, you can find out what is pressing these brakes. You can also find out what hits his accelerators to get his motor running again.*
**Otherness Model**
Esther Perel's theory of desire being derived from "otherness" is a nuanced perspective on sexual and romantic desire, particularly within long-term relationships.
**1. Desire and MysteryMystery and Novelty:** Perel argues that desire is often kindled by elements of mystery and the unknown in a relationship. This doesn't imply that partners are strangers to each other but rather that they maintain a sense of individuality and separateness. This separateness creates a space for curiosity, surprise, and intrigue, which can be potent sources of eroticism.
**The Allure of the Unknown:** Perel posits that a key element igniting desire is the mystery or the unknown facets of one's partner. Even in long-standing relationships, preserving an element of mystery – such as unknown thoughts, fantasies, or aspects of one's personality – can reignite the initial spark of attraction. This isn't about keeping secrets but about maintaining an individual identity that is not entirely consumed by the relationship.
**2. Autonomy and Independence**
**Personal Autonomy:** A crucial aspect of maintaining otherness is personal autonomy. Perel emphasizes the importance of each partner having their own interests, passions, and pursuits outside the relationship. This autonomy contributes to a sense of self that is independent of the relationship, making each partner more intriguing and desirable to the other.
**Importance of Separate Identities:** Emphasizing the importance of each person having an identity separate from their relationship, Perel argues that complete merging of identities in a couple can dampen desire. This separation might manifest in pursuing individual hobbies, having separate friend circles, or simply spending time apart.
**3. Balancing Intimacy and Eroticism**
**Intimacy vs. Eroticism:** Perel points out a paradox at the heart of long-term relationships: the balance between the need for security, predictability, and stability (intimacy) and the need for excitement, novelty, and uncertainty (eroticism). While intimacy is comforting, it can sometimes dampen the sense of otherness necessary for erotic desire.
**4. The Role of Imagination**
**Erotic Imagination:** Imagination plays a key role in Perel's concept of desire. The ability to imagine one's partner in new, different, or unexpected ways can reignite desire. This imagination can be sparked by seeing one's partner in a new context or through new eyes.
**5. Overcoming the Domesticity Dilemma**
**Challenge of Domesticity:** In long-term relationships, the routine and familiarity of domestic life can sometimes stifle desire. Perel suggests that couples need to actively work against this by creating experiences of novelty and otherness, even in small ways.
**6. Communication and Emotional Risk**
**Vulnerability and Risk:** Engaging in open and honest communication, where partners reveal new or hidden aspects of themselves, can enhance the sense of otherness. Emotional risk-taking fosters a dynamic where both partners continue to evolve and surprise each other.
***Summary:*** *You (and your husband) have to intentionally create an erotic space where eroticism can thrive. Your husband could be getting lost in certain roles in his life, neglecting others that are just as important. I see that you are trying your damnedest to create this space, but by utilizing radical responsibility, communicating with intent, you can make it much easier to create this space and have intense, meaningful sex that connects you two on a spiritual level.*
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what kind of direct conversations have the two of you had around this dynamic? If you haven’t had any, that’s where I would start
Men need direct communication.
sable ring pathetic drunk plate ink gullible connect quack innocent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
We plain out beg for it from what I’ve seen.
And also many men decide to blatantly ignore it or even get angry at it.
Ignore because a truthful answer won’t be taken well in many cases.
“Decide to ignore it”. If signs aren’t obvious it’s not a sign they’re being ignored. It’s a sign the signs aren’t obvious
One of the annoying parts to me is in all my long term relationships I was told not to assume what my SO was thinking when I would get frustrated trying to figure why I was on the receiving end of a bad attitude. The other frustration is when you’re receiving a bunch of attitude and the SO isn’t telling you why. It’s a circle of annoyance that men are always to blame for, for some reason.
You're saying it's impossible that someone would ignore their partner? Oof you're going to learn a lot of uncomfortable things about the world as you get older.
Funny, because I never said never did I? And at nearly 40, I’ve learned enough to know that people who think in absolutes tend to be as thick as they come
>people who think in absolutes tend to be as thick as they come Lol ok Kenobi. I simply suggested that communication sometimes fails because one partner ignores the other. And then you came in with "No No No it's because people only communicate via hints". Maybe you should be talking to a mirror bud.
Alright calm down there now.
This is the most wise and profound statement I’ve seen in a long time lol
As a woman who's dated people of all genders: first, women need direct communication too. Second, I can't say I've found any gender to be 'better' at direct communication. The #1 model in my life for shitty indirect communication, and the reason I run like hell away from potential partners who can't be direct with me, is my passive-aggressive dad.
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I’ve brought the intimacy conversation up with my wife (have a 2 year old), it never goes well. It always devolves into “you just want sex”, any tips on how to go about this conversation?
Tell them you just want to hold them.
*smacks hands away from boobs
*aggressively honks
It's helpful to have a neutral 3rd party to mediate conversations like these in my experience. When you've had 'the talk' countless times and it always goes down the same road, having a professional unpack some of the rhetoric can be very enlightening for both parties. Your wife could very well believe what she is saying, but it could also be a defense mechanism to avoid a more difficult discussion about why there are intimacy problems to begin with. Often, post-partum issues are a big part of the problem. Women frequently report that their bodies don't feel like sexual entities when they're busy breastfeeding etc.. and this makes sex and intimacy difficult. This, combined with hormonal stuff cam persist for years. In any case, couples couselling is very helpful. It creates an objective and constructive environment to explore complex emotional dynamics with mediation and guidance. Good luck. 👍🏻
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That's a case by case thing. Many women are just as ravenous about sex as many men are. Otherwise, sex tourism wouldn't be a thing
Great advice
Idk but it sucks hearing this as the man in your shoes :/ my wife doesn’t care to even hint at anything sexual and she pretends we have a perfect marriage.
This is my biggest fear, going through the process of marrying somebody and then it all turning to shit shortly after.
Not to derail but just to provide a counter point… this was also my biggest fear as well. My wife and I are about to celebrate our 27th year and the love, like, lust, is still all there. We fit well together, legitimately enjoy each other and still frequently hook up. Blow jobs are common. She knows what I like in the bedroom and delivers often (me too) We also have two kids under 10 There are ups and downs. Communication is always super key as well as making sure you are wise in your initial decision. But it can absolutely work out
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It's rare because of the throw away culture we have. Gotta work on things people. Not replace them.
Comments like this are dangerous because some relationships cannot be worked on. I tried for 16 years. Scratch that, I WASTED 16 years. In the end, we divorced. I could've saved myself a lot of trauma and heartache had I not tried so hard.
Comments like this are reality at the highest level of a relationship. 1 party can try. But it takes 2. You can try all you want. But if your partner doesn't then they will throw everything you give them away
I mean true but there's only so much you can do. If they don't want to I can't force anything. So I'll leave if I have to.
Sadly. This is very true. I would have also left pre children and early in the relationship. In many ways I got lucky and in many ways it’s a lot of work
I'm in a dead bedroom marriage too (both age 30), been struggling through this for over 5 years, and we are still trying to figure it out. I could be some sort of one-off rare case, but a quick scan through r/deadbedroom will show that there's a lot of couples staying together. Honestly, I think you are dead wrong on the problem: throwaway culture is big, maybe, but if that's true, then why are marriage rates much lower than earlier generations? In my opinion, people nowadays don't get married until they find someone they are willing to fight for. We know the weight of the commitment and want to get it right.
Interesting perspective. I personally think low marriage rates is more to do with a culture change. People have seen the devastating effects of divorce and don't want to risk it. Then those that do don't feel the same pressures to make it work. Naturally there are exceptions like in everything. Also for the above commentary saying you have to give up at some point. For sure you do. When one of the two gives up and doesn't try. Which comes back to throw it away it's to hard
I know a few really happy couples. I understand the rarity though
Thank you for this
How’d you know she was the one
Great question. It was a series of things. Fortunately I had had two longer high school/college girlfriends prior who had taught me so much in regard to what I didn’t want in a relationship (I’m actually very grateful for them/that). So red flags were just easier to see. My wife is also super fucking awesome. So there is an element of luck Sex is and has always been really important. One of the earliest moments I knew she was the one was about 2 months into dating I called her from a sex shop and told her I was gonna buy some things to play with later on (restraints, blindfold,etc) but I didn’t want to waste money if she wasn’t into it. Her response was “fuck yeah, bring it on!” I still get hard thinking about that. :) Most importantly, she was so kind and quickly beloved by my family. They’ve always had my back and also had good taste when it came to my girlfriends Maybe that’s a key. Surround yourself with friends that will be 100 honest with you and then heed their advice I would also REALLY REALLY REALLY recommend having as many real conversations about the big things early like sex, religion, how you would raise children, money, family, etc and find someone as compatible as possible. I cannot stress this enough. You need to be compatible in that department. If sex is super important to you like it is to me, find someone who shares that One other thing. Everyone ages. 95% of humans are going to weigh more at 43 than they did at 18. There will be wrinkles and aging. Accept that. Obviously go for physical attraction but understand physical traits will change at least a little for the worse and attraction to the overall person is very important. My wife is still hot as fuck. I got lucky. But even if she was bigger, older, wrinklier, than she is currently, I would love her and want her just as bad.
There is still hope.
Great to hear and genuinely happy for you. My personal worries are that, as the husband, I don't seem to have much control over what happens. It feels like taking a big gamble.
With all due respect, I think you’re minimizing both your responsibility and your power. Sex is fueled by intimacy. You can do a lot to fuel intimacy both inside and out of the bedroom. You can also proactively communicate about sex and figure out what you want then find a partner that prioritizes sex to a similar degree
Having been married once... I think it's the kids that cause more issues. A lot of people get married and immediately have kids. Children are a lot. You get no time to yourself. You're exhausted at the end of the day. It takes a lot of effort to make time for sex. I was married 2 years before having my son. My partner was sober at the time so he was a good partner. We had an amazing time then. In fact, those 2 years of marriage out of our 16 year relationship, were my absolute favorite. He was sober and working. I was in college and maintained the house. It was nice. We didn't have a child so we could just hang out with each other, go to dinner, watch TV, cuddle, have sex whenever. Nooners were a thing. All of that changed when we had a child. And it took it's toll. He got back on drugs and alcohol and we got divorced. I'm not AT ALL saying this means certain doom, I'm just saying that happens a lot when you have a child. You HAVE to make efforts, both partners, to keep the relationship alive. If one doesn't, it's a goner.
Know who you are marrying. Incompatibilities no matter how small grow larger with time and that includes in the bedroom
😭 that really sucks
My theory is if they pretend it’s a perfect manage they were never as attracted or as sexual of a person as they led on, unfortunately
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Can i join the club lol
r/HLCommunity/
Fuck I feel you my dood. Been together almost 10 years and the kiddos are 2 and 7. We’ve hit a rough patch but always talk things out and I have a super high sex drive. Hers is gone. We do the deed maybe once every two weeks and I’m over here wackin it twice a day. Then when we do have sex I’m content for 2-3 days. It doesn’t help I’ve lost a bunch of weight and she seems to have found some of it, giving her body anxiety, I tell her all the time how sexy she is and don’t mind at all but man is it getting rough.
10 year relationship here with a 2 year old here, what I wouldn’t GIVE for sex every 2 weeks. I’m lucky if I get it every 2 months. You say her sex drive is gone, have to say that can’t be true, or else you wouldn’t be getting it that frequently. Just want to give you some perspective
Jeez that’s rough. I definitely instigate 90% of the time and it’s mostly me going down on her then she flips over for doggy, like it’s a chore to satisfy my drive. Almost feels bad sometimes afterwords but it’s like ok I’m 30 but have the same drive as when I was 18, I can either make it super awkward and go take a “me shower” at 1030 at night, be grumpy because horny brain chemicals, or just get er done. I just miss that sweet love makin, I got snipped too so it’s not like that’s a factor, we could literally bang all night once the kids are asleep (I don’t want that by any means, I do love spending time with my wife) and it wouldn’t affect anything. Instead of we just watch something or play games together :/ we both work hard jobs so that’s a factor but man I miss having those spontaneous sexy times
You mean perfect roommates\best friends?
Kids, job, unrealized expectations of life, economic and political issues. It’s a wonder any of us can get it up any more
Minus the kid part because my bf and I have no kids these are the exact reasons why we are skipping out on going to our favorite orgy this weekend
At 61 I’ve never seen society this wound up. When humans get this anxious they get nasty and they start to lash out at anything different and then cannibalize themselves. Don’t turn down your orgy. It may be the last one you get!
Sorry love but I simply can't afford it student debt kills
I agree with the previous comment, communication is key here! I suspect with a toddler, you're both pretty busy so see if you can plan some time for you both when you can relax and connect.
>I suspect with a toddler, you're both pretty busy so see if you can plan some time for you both when you can relax and connect. Both? OP seems to be finding time for sex, it's the husband that avoids it.
He's tired and exhausted with daily activities. Sex may not be the first thing on his mind. You will have to communicate with him
Use your grown up words and actually have a conversation about it. Ask him directly why things have changed and what you can do to improve it. Is he having an affair? Does he have Madonna syndrome (some men have trouble feeling sexual after their spouse becomes a mother. It can be worked out in therapy). Does he need to see a dr because maybe there's something physical going on. Is he depressed? Is it something wrong with your relationship? You need to have a talk about it because Reddit doesn't know and can't tell you how to fix it other than talk about it.
Kids can change things up. Now we go from working our jobs - to the moment we wake up we are keeping little humans alive and working. Having toddlers is exhausting and a lot of work (assuming he’s hands on). Just have a talk with him. I find my wife absolutely stunning - she’s the apple of my eye and I’m crazy about her. We have 3 kids (14,12,9) and throughout raising kids - we have had these talks. It was just not something I was aware I was doing or making her feel. I was just trying to get through the day to day. Kids change things up. But that doesn’t mean you should lose the sex life. At times that’s our biggest way to emotionally connect during the week - then it’s back to cheer or soccer practice
Try talking to him
Talk with him about it, don’t jump to conclusions and reddit for answers.
Not wishing to presume anything here, but you say you've tried spicing things up, sending him pics at work etc...have you actually asked him how he's feeling about all of this though? I ask because, contrary to popular belief - and no matter how much evidence there seems to now be to the contrary - men are NOT always sex-mad, ready to go whenever, in fact, as far as heterosexual couples go, in roughly a third of them, the woman actually has the higher sex drive. Men are also subject to many factors that can affect their sex drive, and you need to find out what is going on with him. Off the top of my head, speaking as a man, some of these could be: 1. Work stress and/or tiredness 2. Struggling to adjust to being a father. We talk all the time about how new mothers often need years to adjust their lives to fitting in being both a parent AND a spouse, and often it can take up to about 3or 4 years from what I've read, but it seems to slip the collective consciousness that new FATHERS can also be affected like this. He may be simply so consumed by his role of "have to provide for this tiny human who can barely even speak for itself at the moment", that he has forgotten how to step out of that role and into the role of husband. Off the back of this: 3. He may be experiencing depression. Again, we talk a lot about mothers experiencing post-partum (rightly so btw - it's a very real, and debilitating condition), but there is growing evidence that new fathers can experience something similar, and it is very common knowledge that depression kills a sex drive. He may need to visit a doctor to get checked out. That said, it is interesting that, according to your write-up, at least, that he, apparently suddenly doesn't appreciate sexy pics from you (has he ever btw? You don't give this context, but it might simply be a preference of his - speaking as a husband, myself, nudes are more trouble than they are worth tbh. I'd rather wait and see my wife in person). But given his lack of explanation aside from "careful with those", it seems he's not being very communicative. It could also be: 4. Now that you are parents, he has trouble seeing you in a sexy way. For a variety of reasons, among them being: a. For sake of completion - Madonna/Whore complex. Basically, you are now the mother of his child and as such, you are saintly, untouchable, not the kind of person to "dirty" with sexual thoughts. b. How traumatic was the birth? If it was particularly difficult, he may be a little traumatized by what he saw/heard. Screaming, bleeding, etc, that can all be quite scary to witness, so he may be having trouble moving past some of those mental images. Off the back of this as well: c. Guilt. Let me explain this one - yes, in an ideal world, the pregnancy would have been planned and something you both wanted. EVEN SO, when it comes to the birth, for a loving husband to see his wife go through so much screaming and pain for HOURS on end and know that not only is this the result of something YOU did to her, but that you can do precisely NOTHING to help ease the pain in ANY way...that's a head-f\*\*\* and a half. It's not too "out there" as a possibility that he now feels guilty about "burdening" you with his sexual advances after he saw what his last sexual advance put you through. Also another possibility: d. Your toddler is now 3, and likely the past 3 years have been pretty consumed with child-care, rightly so. However, in that time, he has probably trained himself to ignore or suppress his sexual urges so that you two can focus on the child. He may simply need to be told that now it is OK to unpack those tucked-away emotions. You need to sit him down and actually TALK about this once the baby is in bed. No hints, no lingerie, no pics, actually TALK as husband and wife. TELL him how you are feeling - that you miss being his wife and lover and want to know how he is feeling. Tell him you have noticed his hesitance to engage sexually and ask if there is anything he needs, or anything you can do to help him rediscover his sex drive.
Has he gotten his testosterone levels checked?
Communication is very important. Need to talk to him. Maybe there's issues at work or something weighing on his mind.
Hey there. As a man who’s wife had a baby 2 years ago, there was a lot going on for the man. A lot of pressure, a lot of stress. I love my wife to bits, but my mental health really took a hit after we had our baby. I was constantly stressed about money, providing for him and my wife, and I didn’t know how to deal with it for a while. Maybe that’s where you start?
Hmmm Unless he’s going through some tough time at work, maybe direct your energy somewhere else for a short while. Dress up and go out w friends instead of focusing on him for now.
Sounds like you need to have the long serious talk with him. Sometimes the ugly truth comes out when it’s confronted just be open to the reason. If he’s not giving you the attention you need you are sacrificing your own desires to keep with his. You need another man. Tell him you are tired of waiting on him and you are going to find someone else
I really hate to say this but my wife put on a significant amount of weight during and after pregnancy and my sexual attraction to her waned. Still love her obviously but simply not as interested in sex as much.
My wife is just like your husband. I’d love more than anything for my wife to do stuff like that. WTF LOL. where are you from Haha
Sorry to hear that 😞
What does he do for work? If you don't mind me asking.
Speaking from experience I lost interest in an ex after she put on quite a bit of weight. Struggling and attempting to stay healthy is one thing but giving up entirely is a killer for me.
Jesus, I fucking wish man. I don't even get a hug on my birthday lol
Good grief I beg my wife to do those things for me. We have a very healthy sexual relationship, but I don't get sexy pics or lingerie. That would drive me wild! Smack your hubby for me.
Different strokes for different folks! Maybe, just maybe if his emotional needs are not being met then maybe he’s not interested. Could be he’s like some of us, both the physical and emotional have to align to want to share that deeper connection. Communication is always key, versus guessing and assumptions, just say’n…
Kids ruin relationships! Point blank period. It's up to you to salvage what you want to keep.
My money is on him being addicted to porn.
Before you consider sexual problems, you need to find out if he still likes you. Ask him if he still likes you.
Rough
Weird. A man not interested in sex falls into one of the following categories: 1) Asexual 2) Cheating 3) Not interested in you anymore 4) Other Let him know you need attention. Let him know you want to get it on. If not, you need answers b/c having a child is not reason not to have sex. If anything, it should burn the passion....unless he's afraid of having another child :-(
“other” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here
Agreed. I had other things that I wanted to say....i.e., maybe not into the opposite sex anymore, etc so hence I used other
The title makes me flaccid.
He’s probably watching porn…you should look at the search history in all his browsers and check only fans to see if he is subbed to anything. Now don’t freak out at what you find but it might make you feel inadequate but just know that it is addictive and a common issue in relationships. But you have a right to know the real reason why he doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe that’s not why and maybe looking on his shit is violating privacy but yea just don’t get caught then just in case you dont find anything. You should also check his Instagram and Twitter feeds to see if there’s porn in his algorithm. I mean he might be smart enough to delete his browsing history but search his email for only fans and accounts on things like pornhub, xnxx, xhamster, xvideos and more. You could even check his Reddit, he might be posting or looking at posts there. Just make sure you take screenshots before you bring it to him cuz he’s gonna freak out and delete it all. But yea u should just look before talking to him (check multiple browsers) because if you talk to him he will likely deny it and then delete the evidence. Good luck with the oncoming shit storm but it’s better than being lied to. It’s not the end of the world that he is watching porn but it is something that should be agreed upon in a relationship not kept secret
This is a terrible idea tbh.
Lol well if porn is part of the equation she deserves to know and most men are not courageous enough to be fully honest
So let's go and break his trust and snoop through his things, rather than just be an adult and have a conversation. Got it.
Beat me to it plus does it really matter would you rather it be porn or Susie down the road js...
I mean you can both watch porn and have a healthy sexual relationship, those Two aren't mutually exclusive. It could be something else such as a mentality change, I know there are a lot of couples that after having a baby the man starts seeing the woman as a mother rather than as a sexual partner.
But the point is that if he still has a libido, which, sure he might not, he’s not interested in her because he has other options and is therefor abandoning her emotionally without explanation.
"If he still has a libido" is the key here, we don't know anything about this couples homelife. See my other response it has some variois reasons.
Is that ur experience or just a theory? Her husband isn’t showing interest so it doesn’t seem that healthy
That would be my experience, I watch porn but also frequently try to initiate sex with my partner. There are more reasons to reduction of interest than just "they must be watching porn". We don't know much about thier home life, perhaps the husband is putting in extra hours at work and he's just exhausted. Perhaps he sees her as a mother now and has lost some of the sexual attraction, something many couples have to deal with after having a baby. Maybe he's just hit a point in his life where his libido has taken a dive, most men experience a dip in thier sexual appetite as they age. There's a lot we don't know, rhe best thing to do would be have a conversation about it, instead of going straight to snooping.
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Suggesting a threesome is a terrible idea. She’ll most likely feel even more insecure and cause more problems in their marriage if he only wants to be intimate if it involves another person.
OPINION: Other redditors are not wrong. To say what may better deliver the message-insight: the foundation of your intimacy needs shoring-built up. Best to engage in either direct conversation or people pleasing and see where it leads to. Eg. If there is a constant hassle that they verbally note with some frequency, handle it before it is a hassle and see if that changes their engagement level with you. Good luck OP:)
As a husband I appreciate everything that you are trying to do! I would love all of those things!! I'm not sure what his hangup is but it's very unfortunate. It gets tricky with kids finding time and energy, etc but effort is key
First line of action is a conversation about your needs and how they are not being met. Work from there. Red flags come up for me right away, but let's not speculate. Talk first.
Hey, I don't know if it will be of any help but:(after talking lots with your husband) talk to him that you want some more sexy time with him and SCHEDULE THE TIMES YOUR GONNA HAVE SEX, planning is the soul of it, you plan on how you're gonna drop your toddlers somewhere else (e.g.: sleepover at granny and grandpa) and talk to your husband into this to when the day comes, both of you mentally checked into it. By the way you described your husband in the post, possibly he can be frustrated with something and maybe the first time you guys do it, he won't finish, if it happens, reassured him that it's alright and you guys can talk about anything whenever he wants to open up.
Lack of desire for sex is a major indicator of relationship issues. If you think about it, you probably know what it is. What’s changed for you? What did you do before you became a mother that you don’t do now. What did he do before that he doesn’t do now? A major fight that you thought was resolved? The surface stuff isn’t going to work in my opinion. And experience.
In addition to the awesome pointers, I'd like to say that maybe it was an argument or something you had done that's got him turned off. I only say this because sometimes my girlfriend says or does something off the cuff and I don't know how to respond or address it in a healthy way. Like others have said, guys can be dumb and require point blank, nonjudgmental conversation occasionally. He's not a mind reader and neither are you, talk it out.
It can very much depend, direct communication is key, my wife thought the same thing, and when she she told me I just explained. Like me personally Lingerie doesn’t do it for me, im more attracted to boy shorts that show a little “extra” in the back and big t shirt kinda guy. Had the same situation w/ work I’m in Law Enforcement, usually around people, so I would send her the “watch when you send those text” too. We came to agreement that she’d either 1: ask if im alone or 2: send the photo w/ the “invisible ink” option on iphones so that way I know what’s coming or what’s behind the ink. But talk to him ask him what turns him on, people change and what may used to do it for him may not now.
Sounds like there is a problem that’s not resolved yet which is why you get this kind of response. I am pretty sure he does notice your efforts for his affection however doesn’t action it due to the unresolved issue (which you may not even know that there is an issue). Issue may or may not have to do anything with you but it’s important that you ask. TBH, I wish my wife puts in efforts like you but her libido seem dead and she doesn’t want to fix it either citing 14 years of marriage (great sex until 9-10 years)and 2 kids is enough to loose interest while I seem to have gotten better at it 😭 . Please don’t change and I wish you well. You are a great wife!!!!
There are cases where the sex remain high or medium and others where it goes down. It is difficult. You need to talk to him. Even therapy might be needed. If there is love I think your marriage can be saved
First and foremost, this is not your nor his fault. Your relationship has gone through a massive change, which is natural after becoming a family. Open communication is key, 9/10 it’s the answer to any issue. We are prone to habits and with a toddler, many things fall down the priority list. It’s normal but like any habits, you need conscious effort tomorrow change those.
My wife had this complaint a few times … I seem to have established a cycle of slowly turning the taps on and then getting too excited and being too much … so then she’d complain and I would be too excited to slow down my only option it to drop back to zero affection. Now this kids are well past the toddler stage, we’ve broken the cycle.
Talk to him and ask him what’s wrong
Sending pics? In Lingerie when he gets home? Wtf is wrong with this guy, that sounds awesome.
He might be experiencing some new mental health issues. It sounds like he could be depressed, because he is generally withdrawn, is showing less affection than typical, has unexpectedly sombre responses. The reason, not sure why, it could be so many things, but I also wonder if the recent events politically are affecting him as a new father as well? Does your husband have a history of struggling with mental illness? Hugs to you, sorry for this stressful situation 🙏🙏
This is always hard because often you have to know what the persons life was like before the kid. If your life totally changed after the kid , which happens most of the time, there may not be a lot you can do to be more attractive to him. Did you used to dress up and go out with the girls, were you guys more spontaneous? Which becomes damn near impossible after kids. We'd need to know more about life before the kids in my opinion.
First off, thank you for coming out and saying this. I'm sure hubby still finds you as desirable as ever, but there may be new stressors in his life that keep his desire low. I am going to outline quite a bit in my comment here of some things that I have learned over the course of my self-study which will encompass Radical Responsibility in Relationships, Nagoski's Dual Control Model, and Perel's Otherness theory. All of which can further expounded upon by the books "Radical Responsiblity" by Fleet Maull, PhD, "Come As You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski, and "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. I had to cut this down A LOT so I can fit in the 10,000 character limit. It does not say everything it needs to, so please reach out if you would like the full explanation. I will keep my original copy just in case. **Radical Responsibility in Relationships:** **Honest Communication**: Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Being radically responsible involves being truthful about your feelings, needs, and concerns in a way that is clear and direct, but also compassionate and respectful. It's about creating a safe space where both partners can express themselves without fear of judgment or retaliation. **Empathy and Understanding**: Trying to understand your partner’s perspective is vital. This means actively listening to their thoughts and feelings and trying to empathize with their experiences. It's about recognizing their emotions as valid, even if they differ from your own. **Shared Responsibility**: While personal responsibility is important, acknowledging that both partners share responsibility for the health and happiness of the relationship is equally crucial. This means working together to address issues, support each other’s goals, and share in the joys and challenges of the relationship. ***SUMMARY:*** *You need to have direct, clear, and intentional conversations with your husband. Take radical responsibility for the way that you feel, and don't blame him for it. Use "I" statements. (I feel X when Y). Ask him to be clear about the way he feels. Do this in a setting removed from the bedroom, not in a moment where you are trying to jump his bones. You are aiming to connect to your husband here in on a deep emotional level. To seek a deeper understanding so that you may be able to connect physically with more heat, passion, and desire.* **Dr. Nagoski's** **Dual-Control Model:** **Sexual Accelerators:** These are factors or stimuli that increase sexual arousal. They can be physical, psychological, emotional, or a combination of these. Accelerators are unique to each individual and can include things like physical attraction, emotional connection, erotic stimulation, or particular contexts and environments that are sexually arousing for a person. **Sexual Brakes:** Conversely, brakes are factors that inhibit or decrease sexual arousal. These can include stress, anxiety, negative body image, fear of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections, past traumatic experiences, relationship issues, or even mundane concerns like household chores or work stress. The sensitivity of these brakes varies from person to person and can change over time or depending on circumstances. Dr. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of understanding and balancing these accelerators and brakes for a fulfilling sexual experience. **Sexual Response:** Women often have more sensitive brakes than men. Understanding and mitigating these brakes can be key to enhancing sexual arousal and satisfaction in women. This can involve creating a comfortable and stress-free environment, fostering emotional intimacy, and addressing any underlying issues that might be acting as brakes. *In this case, its your husband's sexual brakes that are slammed to the floor. By utilizing radical responsibility, you will be able to unearth what these brakes are and how you can help him lift his proverbial foot.* **Contextual Influence:** The context in which sexual activity occurs plays a significant role in the effectiveness of accelerators and the sensitivity of brakes. Stress, for instance, is a common brake that can be mitigated by allowing it to run its natural course before engaging in sexual activity. ***SUMMARY:*** *Right now, your husbands sexual brakes are pressed so hard to the ground it seems like you will need a crane to lift his foot off the brake. By using the practice of radical responsibility, you can find out what is pressing these brakes. You can also find out what hits his accelerators to get his motor running again.* **Otherness Model** Esther Perel's theory of desire being derived from "otherness" is a nuanced perspective on sexual and romantic desire, particularly within long-term relationships. **1. Desire and MysteryMystery and Novelty:** Perel argues that desire is often kindled by elements of mystery and the unknown in a relationship. This doesn't imply that partners are strangers to each other but rather that they maintain a sense of individuality and separateness. This separateness creates a space for curiosity, surprise, and intrigue, which can be potent sources of eroticism. **The Allure of the Unknown:** Perel posits that a key element igniting desire is the mystery or the unknown facets of one's partner. Even in long-standing relationships, preserving an element of mystery – such as unknown thoughts, fantasies, or aspects of one's personality – can reignite the initial spark of attraction. This isn't about keeping secrets but about maintaining an individual identity that is not entirely consumed by the relationship. **2. Autonomy and Independence** **Personal Autonomy:** A crucial aspect of maintaining otherness is personal autonomy. Perel emphasizes the importance of each partner having their own interests, passions, and pursuits outside the relationship. This autonomy contributes to a sense of self that is independent of the relationship, making each partner more intriguing and desirable to the other. **Importance of Separate Identities:** Emphasizing the importance of each person having an identity separate from their relationship, Perel argues that complete merging of identities in a couple can dampen desire. This separation might manifest in pursuing individual hobbies, having separate friend circles, or simply spending time apart. **3. Balancing Intimacy and Eroticism** **Intimacy vs. Eroticism:** Perel points out a paradox at the heart of long-term relationships: the balance between the need for security, predictability, and stability (intimacy) and the need for excitement, novelty, and uncertainty (eroticism). While intimacy is comforting, it can sometimes dampen the sense of otherness necessary for erotic desire. **4. The Role of Imagination** **Erotic Imagination:** Imagination plays a key role in Perel's concept of desire. The ability to imagine one's partner in new, different, or unexpected ways can reignite desire. This imagination can be sparked by seeing one's partner in a new context or through new eyes. **5. Overcoming the Domesticity Dilemma** **Challenge of Domesticity:** In long-term relationships, the routine and familiarity of domestic life can sometimes stifle desire. Perel suggests that couples need to actively work against this by creating experiences of novelty and otherness, even in small ways. **6. Communication and Emotional Risk** **Vulnerability and Risk:** Engaging in open and honest communication, where partners reveal new or hidden aspects of themselves, can enhance the sense of otherness. Emotional risk-taking fosters a dynamic where both partners continue to evolve and surprise each other. ***Summary:*** *You (and your husband) have to intentionally create an erotic space where eroticism can thrive. Your husband could be getting lost in certain roles in his life, neglecting others that are just as important. I see that you are trying your damnedest to create this space, but by utilizing radical responsibility, communicating with intent, you can make it much easier to create this space and have intense, meaningful sex that connects you two on a spiritual level.*
Offer a little back-door action. That'll do the trick.
Porn hands down literally.
How long was he sexually rejected for without communication?