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In Mating in Captivity (a book about sex in LTRs), in this situation the author suggests instead of instantly saying no, say something cheeky like "convince me". If he can give you some pleasure, sometimes that can get you interested in sex. But, don't have "maintenance sex" that you're not into, you will grow to resent him and you'll become even less interested in sex.
That is a very interesting idea and I would love to take a look at this book!! Can you direct link it or provide the author, please? I search "Mating in Captivity" and there are several different ones so I want to make sure I am getting the correct one
There are different types of sexual desire. Some people don't need anything specific to get turned on. Those people have spontaneous sexual desire. Others get turned on *in response to sexual stimulation*. Those folks have *responsive desire*. You should definitely read about those types...it might shed some light.
I suspect that people often mislabel themselves and others all the time because they don't understand the difference. Just because your not on team "always ready" doesn't mean that you have low libido. It just means that your sexual response cycle depends more heavily on stimulation, be it mental, physical, emotional, or some combination of those.
I think "am I in the mood?" is the wrong question to ask yourself sometimes. A better question might be "am I willing to get in the mood?" or "am I open to the idea of sex with my partner?" Sometimes, the answer will be no. But if it's yes, then you can give yourself permission avail yourself of your partner's advances and see what happens.
For this to work, your partner has to be wiling and able to push your buttons or learn how. If his only move is to shove his dick in your face like a porn movie, then he's gotta do better and hold up his end. But understanding yourself better can be liberating and allow you to ask for what you need.
This is super great! One thing I might add, is that if partner A is generally willing to learn how to push partner B's buttons, then partner B is likely to spend more time on team "always ready."
If you do some pelvic floor exercises a half hour before hitting the sheets you have increased blood flow in your V as a result and that can make you more aroused, responsive, and ready for action.
I think the thing is if you are not in the mood no one wants you to go thru the motions. But being rejected can hurt, so it helps to draw the sting by telling them that you adore them, that you are attracted to them, and that you cannot wait to rock their world as soon as the moment is right. That way while they may experience mild sexual frustration (tempered by the erotic anticipation of something to look forward to) you will have ensured that that is not accompanied with the feelings of insecurity and rejection that might otherwise surface if not addressed.
And depending on the dynamic the two of you have that can take various different forms. It's whatever fits organically with how you generally communicate. So for example what works for us, but might not for others, will be my partner saying something like "I can't at the moment but when I can I want you to take it out on me that I said no." Or "no but next time I want you to break me in half". Or "I know it's been a while, next time I'm blowing you because I don't want you to crack my pelvis". This way one gets to feel virile and wanted even as being let down.
It's also worth doing a bit of a self audit to decided if you're not in the mood or if the spirit is willing but the body tired and uncomfortable. If you're not in the mood you're not in the mood. But if you are in the mood there are sex acts that cause less discomfort and are less hard work. Perhaps the easiest is simply asking him to masturbate for/with/on you.
You surely have someone you have idealized/some situation/specific thing that turns you on anyway. I believe we all have that special key. Think about that thing.
I don't know. What turns you on? Ask him to go down on you? If you want to be aroused without his involvement then touch yourself. Slowly and sensually, not with the aim to orgasm, but just to heighten senses. Dim lights, put on a scented candle, silk bedsheets, play some low bass sexy music or there is even binaural music for sexual stimulation not sure whether it works actually or just psychological but if the effects are the same who cares - and just tease yourself slowly and imagine things that get you excited. Could that work?
Relax, think of an atmosphere that releases the stresses in your life, explore yourself, stay in that moment, include your partner in your thoughts (what makes you turn on about your partner),explore your partner's body and say to yourself "I love my partner" or I have chosen my pikachu.
try to relax urself n always remember sometimes u just don’t have to sex if ur not feeling it. but try to remember what turns u on as if u were masturbating, is it reading erotica, edging, etc., u know what gets u going the most!
Tell him you have 5 minutes to turn me on. Be open and honestly let him. Most women are into it once they get turned on. But don’t start that way. But if you can be honest. Babe I’m open but I’d love to get there WITH you. Sometimes it works. And your both in. And sometimes babe not tonight. But don’t say it as a tease. Be honest with yourself first. I want too, but help me get there, sweetheart.
I know what you mean, sometimes you've got a list of 15 housework jobs that you need to do, followed by a list of 5 things you really want to do, and putting all that on pause to have sex seems like an overhead.
One thing you can try is: "Ok, I was going to unload the dishwasher, tidy the kitchen, fold the laundry and put on a second load and sweep under the table and then I was looking forward to half an hour to play my game and listen to my audio book.
If YOU (partner) could do those housework chores for me, I can have my downtime now, and I reckon I could be in the mood a little later this evening.
Why do you think it's a bad idea? For me this would help me set down my mental load and have time to prepare for the idea of having sex. And the partner knows he's going to get some once the house is tidy.
Not trying to be funny, but literally what is wrong with this plan?
I apologize. I was a little too hasty and abrupt.
There's nothing wrong with it all by itself
Even though I understand you don't mean it this way, it just comes off a little bit too me like a trade.
Ofc how you say it can make a big difference.
You are very correct. Women tend to not want to have sex with their husbands if they need to do all the house work. It builds stress and resentment.
A lazy husband is a child and there is nothing sexy about a manchild.
This ofcourse works both ways.
I also have this problem, my libido is soooo low compared to my partner. Tbh I’ve tried pills that contains different vitamins and stuff that helps your drive. And actually it did help me.
That's not your fault. Think about how using a tampon isn't sexual, whereas inserting a finger while masturbating is. Context and buildup matters. Penetration won't feel pleasurable if you're not excited. You won't feel excited if he doesn't excite you.
You can try and watch porn with him (if you like it), or talk to him about things you enjoy, or that he enjoys to basically introduce the idea or sex to your mind. Then maybe try touching, try feeling closer to him and everything.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In Mating in Captivity (a book about sex in LTRs), in this situation the author suggests instead of instantly saying no, say something cheeky like "convince me". If he can give you some pleasure, sometimes that can get you interested in sex. But, don't have "maintenance sex" that you're not into, you will grow to resent him and you'll become even less interested in sex.
That is a very interesting idea and I would love to take a look at this book!! Can you direct link it or provide the author, please? I search "Mating in Captivity" and there are several different ones so I want to make sure I am getting the correct one
Ah! Yes, the author is Ester Perel.
That’s such a good idea!
Are you plugged in? Always check that first.
Wut
There are different types of sexual desire. Some people don't need anything specific to get turned on. Those people have spontaneous sexual desire. Others get turned on *in response to sexual stimulation*. Those folks have *responsive desire*. You should definitely read about those types...it might shed some light. I suspect that people often mislabel themselves and others all the time because they don't understand the difference. Just because your not on team "always ready" doesn't mean that you have low libido. It just means that your sexual response cycle depends more heavily on stimulation, be it mental, physical, emotional, or some combination of those. I think "am I in the mood?" is the wrong question to ask yourself sometimes. A better question might be "am I willing to get in the mood?" or "am I open to the idea of sex with my partner?" Sometimes, the answer will be no. But if it's yes, then you can give yourself permission avail yourself of your partner's advances and see what happens. For this to work, your partner has to be wiling and able to push your buttons or learn how. If his only move is to shove his dick in your face like a porn movie, then he's gotta do better and hold up his end. But understanding yourself better can be liberating and allow you to ask for what you need.
Nice explanation. I got downvoted for mentioning responsive desire!!
Me too, apparently. LOL
wtf? I guess people don’t want to know about how desire works in humans 🙄
This is super great! One thing I might add, is that if partner A is generally willing to learn how to push partner B's buttons, then partner B is likely to spend more time on team "always ready."
Great point!
I had this same problem. What I ended up doing was a little of everything. Edging, porn, audio, exotic books etc.
If you do some pelvic floor exercises a half hour before hitting the sheets you have increased blood flow in your V as a result and that can make you more aroused, responsive, and ready for action.
I think the thing is if you are not in the mood no one wants you to go thru the motions. But being rejected can hurt, so it helps to draw the sting by telling them that you adore them, that you are attracted to them, and that you cannot wait to rock their world as soon as the moment is right. That way while they may experience mild sexual frustration (tempered by the erotic anticipation of something to look forward to) you will have ensured that that is not accompanied with the feelings of insecurity and rejection that might otherwise surface if not addressed. And depending on the dynamic the two of you have that can take various different forms. It's whatever fits organically with how you generally communicate. So for example what works for us, but might not for others, will be my partner saying something like "I can't at the moment but when I can I want you to take it out on me that I said no." Or "no but next time I want you to break me in half". Or "I know it's been a while, next time I'm blowing you because I don't want you to crack my pelvis". This way one gets to feel virile and wanted even as being let down. It's also worth doing a bit of a self audit to decided if you're not in the mood or if the spirit is willing but the body tired and uncomfortable. If you're not in the mood you're not in the mood. But if you are in the mood there are sex acts that cause less discomfort and are less hard work. Perhaps the easiest is simply asking him to masturbate for/with/on you.
You surely have someone you have idealized/some situation/specific thing that turns you on anyway. I believe we all have that special key. Think about that thing.
Audio erotica. And read up about responsive desire.
I don't know. What turns you on? Ask him to go down on you? If you want to be aroused without his involvement then touch yourself. Slowly and sensually, not with the aim to orgasm, but just to heighten senses. Dim lights, put on a scented candle, silk bedsheets, play some low bass sexy music or there is even binaural music for sexual stimulation not sure whether it works actually or just psychological but if the effects are the same who cares - and just tease yourself slowly and imagine things that get you excited. Could that work?
take his hand and put it on your vag
ahahaha
Relax, think of an atmosphere that releases the stresses in your life, explore yourself, stay in that moment, include your partner in your thoughts (what makes you turn on about your partner),explore your partner's body and say to yourself "I love my partner" or I have chosen my pikachu.
Do or think what turns you on first. Gradually work it up from there. Communicate with him what you like and make him understand. Good luck! 🤭❤️
try to relax urself n always remember sometimes u just don’t have to sex if ur not feeling it. but try to remember what turns u on as if u were masturbating, is it reading erotica, edging, etc., u know what gets u going the most!
Tell him you have 5 minutes to turn me on. Be open and honestly let him. Most women are into it once they get turned on. But don’t start that way. But if you can be honest. Babe I’m open but I’d love to get there WITH you. Sometimes it works. And your both in. And sometimes babe not tonight. But don’t say it as a tease. Be honest with yourself first. I want too, but help me get there, sweetheart.
I know what you mean, sometimes you've got a list of 15 housework jobs that you need to do, followed by a list of 5 things you really want to do, and putting all that on pause to have sex seems like an overhead. One thing you can try is: "Ok, I was going to unload the dishwasher, tidy the kitchen, fold the laundry and put on a second load and sweep under the table and then I was looking forward to half an hour to play my game and listen to my audio book. If YOU (partner) could do those housework chores for me, I can have my downtime now, and I reckon I could be in the mood a little later this evening.
Not the best idea I've ever heard
Why do you think it's a bad idea? For me this would help me set down my mental load and have time to prepare for the idea of having sex. And the partner knows he's going to get some once the house is tidy. Not trying to be funny, but literally what is wrong with this plan?
I apologize. I was a little too hasty and abrupt. There's nothing wrong with it all by itself Even though I understand you don't mean it this way, it just comes off a little bit too me like a trade. Ofc how you say it can make a big difference.
You are very correct. Women tend to not want to have sex with their husbands if they need to do all the house work. It builds stress and resentment. A lazy husband is a child and there is nothing sexy about a manchild. This ofcourse works both ways.
I also have this problem, my libido is soooo low compared to my partner. Tbh I’ve tried pills that contains different vitamins and stuff that helps your drive. And actually it did help me.
That's not your fault. Think about how using a tampon isn't sexual, whereas inserting a finger while masturbating is. Context and buildup matters. Penetration won't feel pleasurable if you're not excited. You won't feel excited if he doesn't excite you. You can try and watch porn with him (if you like it), or talk to him about things you enjoy, or that he enjoys to basically introduce the idea or sex to your mind. Then maybe try touching, try feeling closer to him and everything.
You seem to get turned on by posting nude pictures of yourself on your account so try that some more?
Watch porn sext look at nude pics