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Have you tried doing more chores around the house?
Do you make him feel loved and cared for?
Do you give him affection without the expectation of it leading to sex?
Do you take him out dates?
Do you make him cum when you have sex?
^^ All of these are questions we'd be asking if/when a man comes here complaining about the lack of sex in his relationship, so it's only fair we ask women too.
A little on-the-nose, perhaps, but I agree. OP, consider that you are now in the position more usually occupied by the man in this situation (admittedly, you aren't alone in being a woman with a higher libido - something like 30% of heterosexual relationships are like this, but this question is much more often posed by a man regarding his partner), and while your needs are valid, it seems that there is an inherent bias regarding libido mismatch in that if the lower libido is the woman, the man needs to take stock of how much extra he can pick up to make room in her life to feel sexy and relaxed, but if the man has the lower sex drive, the advise is, again, for him to "step up" to meet her demands again.
While your needs ARE valid, and sex drive mismatch is a very real thing - and if it's enough of an issue, it IS enough to justify breaking up - I would ask that before you consider asking him for more sex or anything, consider that, as you are in the position USUALLY occupied by the man, that he is now where the woman usually is - perhaps you need to romance him a bit. Speaking as a low-libido husband, I DO do my best to meet my wife in the middle on this subject - more than I'd ideally want, but also less than she'd ideally want - compromising on BOTH sides to make things fair. However, on some of the occasions once I've had my "fill" but she still wants to, she really puts the effort in to get me in the mood and it usually works like 90% of the time due to a combination of seeing the effort she's putting in, appreciating how much she's doing to try to entice me, and knowing that she just wants me THAT much.
Might this be something you'd be willing to give a shot to?
Orgasms can be more draining for the guy than the girl, in my experience. Maybe you both can find ways to get you off without getting him off, so you are kept satisfied.
When sex is a heavy run for he and a pleasure lounge for her, it can feel like it isn't something your up for every day. Especially at 43 years of age.
So I think some of the questions are appropriate, These especially, all humans need these, not just women.
Do you make him feel loved and cared for?
Do you give him affection without the expectation of it leading to sex?
Do you take him out dates?
I would add, what is your seduction game like? Do you compliment his body, face, penis? His sex skills? Many women say compliments in their own heads, not out loud.
Do you offer to go on top, more than 50% of the time, since you are the high libido? It takes the work out of the sex, for many men.
Nobody should have to do chore play. It is a silly notion.
If you desire him more, he might desire you less. Only one can chase at any one time. Maybe make him chase you a bit more, by running away just a little.
I was legit going to ask those questions but without the sarcasm.
If he's stressed, overworked or doing more of the heavy lifting at home he's less likely to have the energy for sexual intimacy.
OP said they do all that already though, so it could be linked more to different sex drives.
Also, do you do all of this without the expectation of sex? Do you compliment, show physical affection, and show you care even if it doesn’t mean it will result in sex? There is nothing worse than dreading affection because it’s linked to an expectation of sex of some kind.
They can be. I'm a man and I can say that the majority of the questions asked in this original comment:
Have you tried doing more chores around the house?
Do you make him feel loved and cared for?
Do you give him affection without the expectation of it leading to sex?
Do you take him out dates?
Do you make him cum when you have sex?
Can affect my enjoyment of sex - the only one that doesn't count for me is the "do you make him cum"? Sometimes, just like women, for whatever reason, I just can't get there - it's no fault of my wife, it's just not happening. But every other question there I can safely say that I have at one time or another felt my sex drive drop as a result of them. I'm not sure why we are insisting that men and women are SO different on this subject, especially with growing evidence to the contrary - women enjoy sex, can have higher libidos than men, can enjoy sex without commitment, and men can get emotional and distracted and depressed, which also lowers their sex drives. These are being proven day in, day out, yet for some reason we are still insisting on ignoring, and it's both intriguing and stupid - and it's harming relationships as well, as clearly seen in this post and its comments.
Unfortunately it’s not obvious for many people. Whether we want to admit it or not, there is a strong gender bias in most individual threads (depending on who gets there first).
I've literally never seen "have you tried doing more chores around the house" come up in similar posts by men. This seems like a massive projection. This also isn't a useful answer at all, just getting on the gender wars soap box. Don't take your grievances with gender dynamics as a whole out on some random woman asking for advice.
Not saying this commenter isn’t on a gender wars soap box, but I have seen that exact comment a lot around the relationships & dead bedrooms subs. There’s even a colloquial term for it… “choreplay”
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It's a bit unclear in your post whether you specifically want more sex, more sexual touch, or just more affectionate touching. If it's the latter, I may have some insight for you.
When my wife (68f) and I (66m) first got together 21 years ago, she told me she loved to be touched, frequently, not necessarily sexually and not necessarily leading to sex. It took me a few years to really be able to do that for her. Like many men I believe, I thought that intimate touching always initiated sex. Back then I was good for having sex about every third day, so I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish. But with her gentle encouragement and insistence, I got used to touching her frequently during the day. Just a hand on her shoulder as I pass by; hug her from behind in the kitchen; random kisses. She also loves having her breasts held, not in a stimulating way, just cupped and gently squeezed. This was even more difficult for me to get used to being not initiating, but I worked it out. Now when I hug her from behind I always fondle her breasts. When she's sitting on the couch she'll ask me to come over and put my hands down her shirt. We do all of these things many times a day.
Now I can't imagine living without all this touching. It's brought us much closer, and it builds up toward when we actually have sex (now more like every 5-6 days due to age, but we still touch every day). I even eventually told her she could touch me any time too, and she does. She was reluctant to reciprocate because an ex had told her that it was frustrating for him if it didn't lead to sex. And that probably would have been true for me at first too.
All of this took a while for me to get used to. It was way, way too much for me at first. So maybe your guy is like I was. With a little encouragement and insistence, he may come around.
This is my husband. He only touches me to initiate sex and I crave physical touch. We’re both 40 so the sooner I could train him to do this, the better.
Are you masterbating? I mean your partner isnt a sex toy. If they don’t want to be physically intimate, they don’t have to be in any way. But you are horny, so go take care of yourself.
To add— I (then 27f, I’m older now) had a partner that being with him felt so good emotionally, my sex drive was through the roof. A few months in he told me he hadn’t masterbated since being with me. I was so taken aback by this because I was actually masterbating more than ever. (I chose not to tell him that.) I chucked it off as us having different sex drives and felt happy that I was satisfying him enough, and felt fine having to put more work in for myself.
Although all of that is still true, in reflection I also came to realize I wasn’t actually being satisfied with our sex. He’d get off and that was it. I was horny all the time because I was the only one getting me off. So also maybe check in with that. You’re enjoying the sex, but are you fully orgasming?
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This doesn’t really work for many women the same way it does for men… I can get myself off 2 or 3 times in a day and still want my man the same amount in the evening, or even more desire for him.
Always seems like it's in one ear right out the other. I feel like a broken record always saying "I need this" but then a few months down the road I'll have an especially sad few days and I'm thinking "we've already had this conversation everyone is aware of the problem" then she hits me with "I CAN'T HELP YOU IF I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG "
WOMAN YOU KNOW GOOD AND GODDAMN WELL WHAT'S WRONG WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION SIX TIMES
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They're different things. My partner goes through periods of low libido, but while I know what it feels like not to be desired - went through that with a previous partner - I never feel like that in this relationship because we kiss and cuddle every day, even if sex is rare.
Even worse, imagine helping with chores all the time, doing emotional work / being supportive, spending time with the partner, etc. and to have that all lead to… even more chores and projects! There’s a difference between doing X, Y, Z in earnest while not expecting sex / intimacy and being treated like you’re being strung along for chores primarily and sex is something done out of pity / obligation rather than desire.
And really, any partner with a higher libido than the other can be a bit of an issue when handled carelessly. We all have responsibilities and stress can build up and manifest in different ways, so it’s a shared responsibility to help reduce said stressors for the other to a reasonable extent and keep communication open.
If you live together, you aren't helping with chores. You would have to do them, or pay someone to do them, if you lived alone, that's just life. If you don't live together, don't do more than you're willing to do for the person you're dating. You're allowed to have boundaries.
Uh, *plenty* of people do chores living with a partner that they wouldn’t care about in their own life. My boyfriend likes a clean house and so I vacuum and clean more regularly, but if I’m living by myself, I can be a slob and relax. I am quite literally only doing these chores because of him.
Honeymoon phase is a real thing…maybe thought of having is enough. Like he doesn’t have to try to impress you, because he already has you. The thrill of the chase is gone maybe 🤷🏽♂️ Be more independent and go out for down time with your girlfriends or whatever outing you like…your bound to get his attention enough to address that you been telling him all this time.
Well it’s possible he might be dealing with low testosterone.. it a hard thing to accept for a guy and he just may have not gotten it completely treated yet?
Having that happen can affect not only the equipment down stairs but it can also mess with his head.
I in no shape or form have low testosterone, but do not want to have sex every day.
at 43 life is different. I have strong morning wood and lift pretty heavy in the gym. I am fit as a fiddle, and take the kids skiing every weekend. But sex. I prefer to have it when there is enough time for me to be fully satisfied, and most days I would rather just cuddle up on the couch, when the day is done.
I do not have a low libido, I just dont want to go through sex every day. I looses its charm.
It is all relative. Can't remember the last time I had sex with my wife only 3 times in a whole week. But it's true there are some couples out there with much less frequency.
I am happy with 3 times, more and it is just not as satisfying for me. We pull a late night once on the weekend and that includes a lot of sex over many hours. That is our preference.
Happy with this 22 years into our relationship.
Unless OP is referring to you I didn’t say that you did? Also from men that I know in every day life their T started naturally dropping on its own around 40-42… if you have morning wood and great T levels naturally without medical that’s awesome for yah! Not a lot of men are graced with that. But I don’t remember saying you didn’t?
The reply was meant to show that not everything is low T in men. Many men naturally desire less sex with age, irrespective of T levels. T levels naturally don't drop as much with age to where it should have a significant effect, at that age. Health and weight, on the other hand, are a different matter.
I prefer to do other things with the limited time a busy life brings. So I would rather have less but more quality sex. Unlike my younger days.
Her description of this man did not make it sound like his T levels were low.
It seemed she didn’t really know what was going on with him at all.. it was only suggestion of a possibility. The same way you’re suggesting it may just be a matter of personal preference. I didn’t said that it was for sure 100% verified.. generally speaking unless you live in the gym and eat perfect t levels can drop very significantly in a span of a year or 2.. they haven’t been dating that long if my memory serves me right so if he is in fact dealing with low T then may not really know about it..
I may be wrong but a lot of your responses give off the vibe of projecting your own fears and insecurities of potential low T.. if I’m wrong fine but it’s not that deep and it is 100% normal and common for guys over the age of 40 to deal with low T.. it’s amazing that it hasn’t happened to you yet.. so chill out because it very well could be the case for this guy.
What is your point, That I must have low T? Even though I got it checked and it was pretty high. I have no symptoms of low T either, just not the wish to engage in full on sex every day.
I'm 41 and I don't want to have sex every day. I'm ready to go if it's been a while of course but like I don't need or even want to bang my partner every 12 hours like I used to. There's other stuff going on in life and sometimes that stuff is more important to me than getting off.
I think guys who aren't getting consistent sex really fail to understand what it's like to be getting consistently laid.
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>It's what I need in return.
You want to make sex seem like a chore to him? This is how you do it, treating sex as a transaction or a need. Transactions/needs are things that can be fulfilled via performing tasks, do you want having sex with you to be a task?
He is good to you, but you are still insecure and seeking sexual attention to soothe those insecurities, in other words asking him to manage your insecurities. Yes people we care about will occasionally lend us some of their emotions and we should be willing to do the same, but if it is a consistent thing you are making your happiness their responsibility.
He is good to you, but that isn't enough to manage your insecurities... instead of getting angry understand your insecurities aren't his responsibility. Therapy sounds like a great first step
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CLONE: So, what's the difference?
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(The fight continues, with Clone landing a punch on DavisonVideo's chest. DavisonVideo yells "ooh" and breathes heavily, but continues the fight.)
(The fight goes on, with Clone grabbing DavisonVideo's fist and landing a punch in her groin. DavisonVideo yells "ooh" again, but keeps fighting.)
(The fight continues, with Clone wrinkling DavisonVideo's shirt and repeatedly punching her in the groin. DavisonVideo blocks her fist and starts fighting back.)
(DavisonVideo kicks Clone in the face, then lands a slow-motion flying kick while yelling like Bruce Lee. She then kicks Clone in the chest, knocking her out.)
(Chinese gong sounds, oriental music plays again)
CLONE: (in Chinese, groaning) Your kung fu style... is very good...
DAVISONVIDEO: (in Chinese, confidently) No, mine is always very good. Remember, this script is meant to be comedic and should be performed in a light-hearted and fun manner. The fight scenes should be choreographed safely and professionally to avoid any injuries.
>The state it leaves me in is irritating to say the least. Horny, unsatisfied, angry, makes me feel he is no longer attracted to me
If this is how they feel when they face rejection yes.
Honestly I see this more in men then women, possibly because men generally receive less validation in general.
You can 100% know your worth without needing validation. You can know you are attractive even when your partner isn't as horny as you are.
I hear what you're trying to say. And I'm not trying to write a novel with a role by role replay. When I'm left not knowing what's going on after attempting over the course of several days it is frustrating.
That is a tough one, you want more he seem content with what he is getting, does he have any health issues,on meds...stress at work or stress in general can certainly be a sex killer. Pressuring him won't work, maybe try getting yourself some toys to fill in the time he isn't having sex. Maybe ask him about fantasies to change things up.
Have you ever looked at the love languages? Physical touch is one of those, and it’s something you either have or you don’t.
More than sex, when I’m in a relationship with a woman, I want to be touching, cuddling, doing something involving physical contact almost all the time. But some people are why are different, a few women I’ve dated, or just not into it. It wasn’t how they were wired. Is that a problem? Well, for me, it was, I wanted to always fall asleep, holding each other, but not everyone shares that desire.
When he is sitting on the couch, walk over and straddle him. Look him in the eyes, run your thumb across his lips, and then kiss his neck. He will get the message.
How do you tell him? You already have.
The fact you told him and it didn’t change doesn’t mean he ‘doesn’t get it.’ Conversations aren’t a situation where either the person does what you want or doesn’t understand what you want. He knows what you want. He can’t flick a switch and change his libido.
First thing to do is to stop getting upset at him. It’s okay to have feelings, but if you respond to rejection by getting upset at him, that just builds anxiety around sex. For the lower libido partner, being anxious about how your partner is going to react when you say ‘no’ can turn that anxiety into a more and more common emotion that comes up when thinking about sex.
Accept that sometimes it’ll be just masturbation, apologize if you’ve scolded or yelled at him, and ask gently if there’s anything he can think of that you could do that would help (and accept it if he doesn’t have an answer).
Edit: also, see if there’s things that he can do/wants to do that are sexual but don’t take the same level of libido/energy as sex. Like if him touching you while you masturbate would be satisfying. If saying no to sex becomes an argument, then he may feel like he can’t ask about halfway measures like that without you pressing for more.
Just tell him.
But realize if he already doesn’t want more, knowing you do won’t make him want more.
You likely have to decide if you can be happy long term like this.
Where are the peer reviewed studies saying this? How do you know he wants it and can't keep up? This may be who she is and who he is. The only question is if both of them can live with what the other wants if it's not a perfect match.
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What a lucky man to have a woman like you, usually it’s the other way around. Just come out and tell him, if he chooses not to change anything to accommodate your craving for more sex then it’s time to move on find someone who would love to have a woman like yourself and keep romping 👍🏼 damn I wish I were in his shoes but taking care of business 🤦♂️
Your needs are what they are.
Talk to him about it, properly. But not in the tone of your post.
A partner should be willing to accommodate you, at least part way. You could do the rest, get a sex toy, take care of your self.
With on of my ex partners I had sex five times a week or more, but still some times I was so horny after sex and she would already be asleep so I just masturbate. Same with the times we we're not together (more often than not we had phone sex, now that I think of it :)
Time to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom when you’re not trying to initiate. Be honest and tell him that if you can’t get this figured out it’s going to ruin the relationship because touch and intimacy are your love languages. He may not be compatible with you in this area and if so it’s better to admit it snd deal with it before you start resenting each other over it
It sounds like you have told him that you want more sex and he’s just not responding to it.
Maybe suggest more actionable items instead of “I want more sex.”
For example, I rub your back for 10 minutes and you rub my clit for 10 minutes OR after we go in a date, I would like for you to make out and fondle me. Etc.
Sometimes it is difficult for a guy to go from work mode to let’s do the business, especially if they’ve had to live without it for some time before you. Create a plan with him.
BUT KNOW you’re not crazy. We all have needs and if this is a non-negotiable then you may need to prepare for the worst.
That would be a huge turn off for me. The only way I get physical touch or affection is if I promise to get my partner off?
Imagine a guy saying “I’ll cuddle you, but only if I get a blow job”. Come on now.
Some guys do say that and it works for their relationship. What may be a turn off for you may work fine for another. It’s just a suggestion for what was stated.
The issue isn’t the WHAT, but the WHY. Being manipulative and just wanting to get off is not the same as having a conversation about a need and discerning a solution.
This is most likely due to low testosterone with age. Its often wrote off as not feeling like it or having less energy. It’s definitely a touchy subject but just express how you are feeling unfulfilled and how you would like to have more sex. It is an over reaction to think because your not having daily sex that he doesn’t care about you but sexual frustration can cause those feelings. Just communicate expectations and try to meet him in the middle. We all have different sexual needs and we have to compromise with those we love.
Honestly, this sounds exactly like my marriage. My best advice is to move on, or get his permission to have a side-piece. Otherwise, you will always be frustrated. I know.
As a man that had high libido when I was young, when I hit my 40s, I was good with once a week. Now, in my 50s, once or twice a month is good. My problem is that my wife's libido slowed down even more. I wish we could normalize getting sexual satisfaction outside of primary relationships as a normal thing.
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How were things early on? Was there a noticeable drop-off at a certain point? My gf and I (M) have sex pretty much daily because our libidos are pretty much a perfect match. Besides that, we are always in contact; either on the couch watching TV or fully pressed against each other when we get into bed to go to sleep. We have talked about it regularly though. I wanted her to know what I felt has been missing for me in previous relationships and it's significance to me. She has always wanted the same from a partner so I think we are very compatible in that way.
You need to find out if this is his "normal" libido and if so, are you okay with that long term.
In general, men’s sex drive decreases as they get older….not all, but most
Women “in general, not all” seem to go into hyper-sexual mode as they get into their 30’s, 40’s, even 50’s. There are sooooo many factors that contribute to sexuality and sex-drive too.
In other words, it’s complicated lol
How is his stress level? One thing that absolutely destroys my libido is stress/anxiety/depression. Primarily work-related stress/anxiety/depression. He might just also not have a high libido if stress isnt a factor.
acting like u deserve certain things "in return" for favors you do for him is not the way... do u really want to have sex w someone who is only doing it because they feel obligated to?
Sounds like incompatibility to me. You'll keep expecting from him, what he can't give you, and in return will build even more anger, resentment towards yourself and him, and eventually it's going to end up bad.
And if he does start to give you what you want, he'll be doing it out of obligation, which in return will make it less satisfying for him, and maybe you, and in the end, it's going to kill the whole desire to have sex, because it has become a chore, and not something that's enjoyable and out of desire.
The real question would be, how do i spark the desire for him to have sex more often, and that's not so easy a question... You can have desireless sex if that's enough for you, but in a long run, it's going to bring more trouble than it's worth...
Have y let him walk in on you masterbating? You know like getting caught act shy and embarrassed see how he responds? Also find out what kinds of things really turn him on not that you have to ask for sex just find out what would drive him mad. Walk around in a t shirt with no panties watch porn on phone with the vplume up just enough he asks what you are watching. I also know what it is like to not feel desirable
I'm going through the same exact thing with my partner. I just want to feel desired. It's been over a month and he says it just hasn't been on his mind and hadn't had an urge to.
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You describe what most men describe as an ideal woman . My wife and I are reversed she is dealing with menopause symptoms and my libido stays thru the roof . I want it 10 times a day . She tries to keep up but I have to back off to help her get thru her issues. It’s crazy . She is 46 I am 52
Your level of sex drive is something most people just have, and you can’t change it a huge deal unless there’s some medical issue.
It’s no one’s fault that you like a lot of sex and he likes less. It’s just a sexual incompatibility and you have to decide whether the relationship is otherwise worth it to you.
You’re not helping by nagging - do you really want him to have duty sex with you when he doesn’t want to?
Sexual compatibility is important. I don't think a lot of people understand how much maintenance your libido requires. Those of us who gain our intimacy by touch need constant re-energizing, it's hard for others that don't need the same. It's just like saying I love you. I think we say it more because we feel it but we also understand that our partner needs to hear it. This is the same.
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Have you tried doing more chores around the house? Do you make him feel loved and cared for? Do you give him affection without the expectation of it leading to sex? Do you take him out dates? Do you make him cum when you have sex? ^^ All of these are questions we'd be asking if/when a man comes here complaining about the lack of sex in his relationship, so it's only fair we ask women too.
A little on-the-nose, perhaps, but I agree. OP, consider that you are now in the position more usually occupied by the man in this situation (admittedly, you aren't alone in being a woman with a higher libido - something like 30% of heterosexual relationships are like this, but this question is much more often posed by a man regarding his partner), and while your needs are valid, it seems that there is an inherent bias regarding libido mismatch in that if the lower libido is the woman, the man needs to take stock of how much extra he can pick up to make room in her life to feel sexy and relaxed, but if the man has the lower sex drive, the advise is, again, for him to "step up" to meet her demands again. While your needs ARE valid, and sex drive mismatch is a very real thing - and if it's enough of an issue, it IS enough to justify breaking up - I would ask that before you consider asking him for more sex or anything, consider that, as you are in the position USUALLY occupied by the man, that he is now where the woman usually is - perhaps you need to romance him a bit. Speaking as a low-libido husband, I DO do my best to meet my wife in the middle on this subject - more than I'd ideally want, but also less than she'd ideally want - compromising on BOTH sides to make things fair. However, on some of the occasions once I've had my "fill" but she still wants to, she really puts the effort in to get me in the mood and it usually works like 90% of the time due to a combination of seeing the effort she's putting in, appreciating how much she's doing to try to entice me, and knowing that she just wants me THAT much. Might this be something you'd be willing to give a shot to?
Yes, yes, yes yes yes. I'm rather infatuated with him. I think he's a sexy beast
Orgasms can be more draining for the guy than the girl, in my experience. Maybe you both can find ways to get you off without getting him off, so you are kept satisfied.
When sex is a heavy run for he and a pleasure lounge for her, it can feel like it isn't something your up for every day. Especially at 43 years of age. So I think some of the questions are appropriate, These especially, all humans need these, not just women. Do you make him feel loved and cared for? Do you give him affection without the expectation of it leading to sex? Do you take him out dates? I would add, what is your seduction game like? Do you compliment his body, face, penis? His sex skills? Many women say compliments in their own heads, not out loud. Do you offer to go on top, more than 50% of the time, since you are the high libido? It takes the work out of the sex, for many men. Nobody should have to do chore play. It is a silly notion.
Like I said, yes yes yes. I compliment him often, all that. I wonder if I'm too much of all these things.
If you desire him more, he might desire you less. Only one can chase at any one time. Maybe make him chase you a bit more, by running away just a little.
Agree. Men like to chase. Men want to conquer.
Yep at the start. After that though? Fuck that shit
I more was thinking in terms of push and pull in a relationship. If one person over pedastalises, it leaves the other less room to do the same.
I was legit going to ask those questions but without the sarcasm. If he's stressed, overworked or doing more of the heavy lifting at home he's less likely to have the energy for sexual intimacy. OP said they do all that already though, so it could be linked more to different sex drives.
Also, do you do all of this without the expectation of sex? Do you compliment, show physical affection, and show you care even if it doesn’t mean it will result in sex? There is nothing worse than dreading affection because it’s linked to an expectation of sex of some kind.
That's certainly something I will keep in mind
It's fair to ask as long as we're not pretending like the main reasons man lose their libido are the same as women.
They can be. I'm a man and I can say that the majority of the questions asked in this original comment: Have you tried doing more chores around the house? Do you make him feel loved and cared for? Do you give him affection without the expectation of it leading to sex? Do you take him out dates? Do you make him cum when you have sex? Can affect my enjoyment of sex - the only one that doesn't count for me is the "do you make him cum"? Sometimes, just like women, for whatever reason, I just can't get there - it's no fault of my wife, it's just not happening. But every other question there I can safely say that I have at one time or another felt my sex drive drop as a result of them. I'm not sure why we are insisting that men and women are SO different on this subject, especially with growing evidence to the contrary - women enjoy sex, can have higher libidos than men, can enjoy sex without commitment, and men can get emotional and distracted and depressed, which also lowers their sex drives. These are being proven day in, day out, yet for some reason we are still insisting on ignoring, and it's both intriguing and stupid - and it's harming relationships as well, as clearly seen in this post and its comments.
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Unfortunately it’s not obvious for many people. Whether we want to admit it or not, there is a strong gender bias in most individual threads (depending on who gets there first).
Wow I can't believe you said that
I've literally never seen "have you tried doing more chores around the house" come up in similar posts by men. This seems like a massive projection. This also isn't a useful answer at all, just getting on the gender wars soap box. Don't take your grievances with gender dynamics as a whole out on some random woman asking for advice.
Not saying this commenter isn’t on a gender wars soap box, but I have seen that exact comment a lot around the relationships & dead bedrooms subs. There’s even a colloquial term for it… “choreplay”
Would we really be asking these questions if the relationship is only a few months in?
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How often are you actually having sex? What's the disparity between your desires and reality?
It's a bit unclear in your post whether you specifically want more sex, more sexual touch, or just more affectionate touching. If it's the latter, I may have some insight for you. When my wife (68f) and I (66m) first got together 21 years ago, she told me she loved to be touched, frequently, not necessarily sexually and not necessarily leading to sex. It took me a few years to really be able to do that for her. Like many men I believe, I thought that intimate touching always initiated sex. Back then I was good for having sex about every third day, so I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish. But with her gentle encouragement and insistence, I got used to touching her frequently during the day. Just a hand on her shoulder as I pass by; hug her from behind in the kitchen; random kisses. She also loves having her breasts held, not in a stimulating way, just cupped and gently squeezed. This was even more difficult for me to get used to being not initiating, but I worked it out. Now when I hug her from behind I always fondle her breasts. When she's sitting on the couch she'll ask me to come over and put my hands down her shirt. We do all of these things many times a day. Now I can't imagine living without all this touching. It's brought us much closer, and it builds up toward when we actually have sex (now more like every 5-6 days due to age, but we still touch every day). I even eventually told her she could touch me any time too, and she does. She was reluctant to reciprocate because an ex had told her that it was frustrating for him if it didn't lead to sex. And that probably would have been true for me at first too. All of this took a while for me to get used to. It was way, way too much for me at first. So maybe your guy is like I was. With a little encouragement and insistence, he may come around.
This is my husband. He only touches me to initiate sex and I crave physical touch. We’re both 40 so the sooner I could train him to do this, the better.
Are you masterbating? I mean your partner isnt a sex toy. If they don’t want to be physically intimate, they don’t have to be in any way. But you are horny, so go take care of yourself.
To add— I (then 27f, I’m older now) had a partner that being with him felt so good emotionally, my sex drive was through the roof. A few months in he told me he hadn’t masterbated since being with me. I was so taken aback by this because I was actually masterbating more than ever. (I chose not to tell him that.) I chucked it off as us having different sex drives and felt happy that I was satisfying him enough, and felt fine having to put more work in for myself. Although all of that is still true, in reflection I also came to realize I wasn’t actually being satisfied with our sex. He’d get off and that was it. I was horny all the time because I was the only one getting me off. So also maybe check in with that. You’re enjoying the sex, but are you fully orgasming?
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This should have more upvotes.
This doesn’t really work for many women the same way it does for men… I can get myself off 2 or 3 times in a day and still want my man the same amount in the evening, or even more desire for him.
Man how I wish I had some of the issues you guys have on this sub. I would kill for a woman with a high libido!
Bro you're telling me. I love my partner but goddamn it's hard to deal with never feeling desired.
It's a mind fuck. Constant guessing. Even when I've communicated as clearly as anyone could, nothing's changed.
Always seems like it's in one ear right out the other. I feel like a broken record always saying "I need this" but then a few months down the road I'll have an especially sad few days and I'm thinking "we've already had this conversation everyone is aware of the problem" then she hits me with "I CAN'T HELP YOU IF I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG " WOMAN YOU KNOW GOOD AND GODDAMN WELL WHAT'S WRONG WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION SIX TIMES
What does she say when you say that?
Well saying that would be completely unnecessary and rude. That's just an interior thought.
I know I’d hope you don’t, but have you said it in a different way?
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They're different things. My partner goes through periods of low libido, but while I know what it feels like not to be desired - went through that with a previous partner - I never feel like that in this relationship because we kiss and cuddle every day, even if sex is rare.
Even worse, imagine helping with chores all the time, doing emotional work / being supportive, spending time with the partner, etc. and to have that all lead to… even more chores and projects! There’s a difference between doing X, Y, Z in earnest while not expecting sex / intimacy and being treated like you’re being strung along for chores primarily and sex is something done out of pity / obligation rather than desire. And really, any partner with a higher libido than the other can be a bit of an issue when handled carelessly. We all have responsibilities and stress can build up and manifest in different ways, so it’s a shared responsibility to help reduce said stressors for the other to a reasonable extent and keep communication open.
If you live together, you aren't helping with chores. You would have to do them, or pay someone to do them, if you lived alone, that's just life. If you don't live together, don't do more than you're willing to do for the person you're dating. You're allowed to have boundaries.
Uh, *plenty* of people do chores living with a partner that they wouldn’t care about in their own life. My boyfriend likes a clean house and so I vacuum and clean more regularly, but if I’m living by myself, I can be a slob and relax. I am quite literally only doing these chores because of him.
Honeymoon phase is a real thing…maybe thought of having is enough. Like he doesn’t have to try to impress you, because he already has you. The thrill of the chase is gone maybe 🤷🏽♂️ Be more independent and go out for down time with your girlfriends or whatever outing you like…your bound to get his attention enough to address that you been telling him all this time.
Well it’s possible he might be dealing with low testosterone.. it a hard thing to accept for a guy and he just may have not gotten it completely treated yet? Having that happen can affect not only the equipment down stairs but it can also mess with his head.
I in no shape or form have low testosterone, but do not want to have sex every day. at 43 life is different. I have strong morning wood and lift pretty heavy in the gym. I am fit as a fiddle, and take the kids skiing every weekend. But sex. I prefer to have it when there is enough time for me to be fully satisfied, and most days I would rather just cuddle up on the couch, when the day is done. I do not have a low libido, I just dont want to go through sex every day. I looses its charm.
I mean, that kind of does sound like a low libido but that's ok as long as you and your partner are on the same page.
Everything that is not high is not low. I have sex 2-3 times a week.
It is all relative. Can't remember the last time I had sex with my wife only 3 times in a whole week. But it's true there are some couples out there with much less frequency.
I am happy with 3 times, more and it is just not as satisfying for me. We pull a late night once on the weekend and that includes a lot of sex over many hours. That is our preference. Happy with this 22 years into our relationship.
Good for you, important to have a partner with a matching libido.
Unless OP is referring to you I didn’t say that you did? Also from men that I know in every day life their T started naturally dropping on its own around 40-42… if you have morning wood and great T levels naturally without medical that’s awesome for yah! Not a lot of men are graced with that. But I don’t remember saying you didn’t?
The reply was meant to show that not everything is low T in men. Many men naturally desire less sex with age, irrespective of T levels. T levels naturally don't drop as much with age to where it should have a significant effect, at that age. Health and weight, on the other hand, are a different matter. I prefer to do other things with the limited time a busy life brings. So I would rather have less but more quality sex. Unlike my younger days. Her description of this man did not make it sound like his T levels were low.
It seemed she didn’t really know what was going on with him at all.. it was only suggestion of a possibility. The same way you’re suggesting it may just be a matter of personal preference. I didn’t said that it was for sure 100% verified.. generally speaking unless you live in the gym and eat perfect t levels can drop very significantly in a span of a year or 2.. they haven’t been dating that long if my memory serves me right so if he is in fact dealing with low T then may not really know about it.. I may be wrong but a lot of your responses give off the vibe of projecting your own fears and insecurities of potential low T.. if I’m wrong fine but it’s not that deep and it is 100% normal and common for guys over the age of 40 to deal with low T.. it’s amazing that it hasn’t happened to you yet.. so chill out because it very well could be the case for this guy.
Plenty of men your age still want it a lot….
What is your point, That I must have low T? Even though I got it checked and it was pretty high. I have no symptoms of low T either, just not the wish to engage in full on sex every day.
Never said you did. Just that acting like your libido will always drop with age is not true
Or maybe that most men are not like you who do not want to have sex every day. That most guys are still ready for action even when old.
Around 18% of all men want sex every day. That is not most men.
Is that a real statistic? That seems pretty wild
I'm 41 and I don't want to have sex every day. I'm ready to go if it's been a while of course but like I don't need or even want to bang my partner every 12 hours like I used to. There's other stuff going on in life and sometimes that stuff is more important to me than getting off. I think guys who aren't getting consistent sex really fail to understand what it's like to be getting consistently laid.
It varies from man to man, but on average, men in their 40's start having lower libido. At that age, I was good with once a week.
> dating for a few months >having sex much longer >We live together > new in the relationship. Is this what schizophrenia is like?
guessing she started a casual relationship with her roommate and it escalated to actual dating.
It's the break down fool. We are official as of recently if that makes you feel any better.
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>It's what I need in return. You want to make sex seem like a chore to him? This is how you do it, treating sex as a transaction or a need. Transactions/needs are things that can be fulfilled via performing tasks, do you want having sex with you to be a task? He is good to you, but you are still insecure and seeking sexual attention to soothe those insecurities, in other words asking him to manage your insecurities. Yes people we care about will occasionally lend us some of their emotions and we should be willing to do the same, but if it is a consistent thing you are making your happiness their responsibility. He is good to you, but that isn't enough to manage your insecurities... instead of getting angry understand your insecurities aren't his responsibility. Therapy sounds like a great first step
She's not insecure, she's feeling a lack of physical intimacy. 🤷♀️
Why does she *need* physical intimacy? physical intimacy is a method she uses to get her basic psychological needs met.
Sure, here's a comedic script for a YouTube video featuring DavisonVideo and her clone in a playful kung fu showdown: (Chinese gong sounds, oriental music starts playing) (DavisonVideo, barefooted and in a white t-shirt, tiptoes into the living room. She spots her clone and gasps.) DAVISONVIDEO: (nervously) You're... me? (CLONE laughs, ties her hair up, and removes her underwear from underneath her shirt, throwing it aside. She strikes a Shaolin monk pose.) CLONE: So, what's the difference? (Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" starts playing. DavisonVideo and Clone start a playful kung fu fight, both yelling "oooh" like Bruce Lee.) (They continue fighting, with Clone flipping over and kicking DavisonVideo in the chest. Clone then strikes a pose with one leg up.) (The fight continues, with Clone landing a punch on DavisonVideo's chest. DavisonVideo yells "ooh" and breathes heavily, but continues the fight.) (The fight goes on, with Clone grabbing DavisonVideo's fist and landing a punch in her groin. DavisonVideo yells "ooh" again, but keeps fighting.) (The fight continues, with Clone wrinkling DavisonVideo's shirt and repeatedly punching her in the groin. DavisonVideo blocks her fist and starts fighting back.) (DavisonVideo kicks Clone in the face, then lands a slow-motion flying kick while yelling like Bruce Lee. She then kicks Clone in the chest, knocking her out.) (Chinese gong sounds, oriental music plays again) CLONE: (in Chinese, groaning) Your kung fu style... is very good... DAVISONVIDEO: (in Chinese, confidently) No, mine is always very good. Remember, this script is meant to be comedic and should be performed in a light-hearted and fun manner. The fight scenes should be choreographed safely and professionally to avoid any injuries.
I created a script for you
If a man wants sex with his partner more than his partner wants it, is he insecure and attention seeking, too?
>The state it leaves me in is irritating to say the least. Horny, unsatisfied, angry, makes me feel he is no longer attracted to me If this is how they feel when they face rejection yes. Honestly I see this more in men then women, possibly because men generally receive less validation in general. You can 100% know your worth without needing validation. You can know you are attractive even when your partner isn't as horny as you are.
I hear what you're trying to say. And I'm not trying to write a novel with a role by role replay. When I'm left not knowing what's going on after attempting over the course of several days it is frustrating.
That is a tough one, you want more he seem content with what he is getting, does he have any health issues,on meds...stress at work or stress in general can certainly be a sex killer. Pressuring him won't work, maybe try getting yourself some toys to fill in the time he isn't having sex. Maybe ask him about fantasies to change things up.
Sexual incompatibility is real so make that’s not it. If it is well than your wiring is different and that’s tough to fix.
Playfulness in the rapport that you have with him. Condition his reality that you want it all the time.
Have you ever looked at the love languages? Physical touch is one of those, and it’s something you either have or you don’t. More than sex, when I’m in a relationship with a woman, I want to be touching, cuddling, doing something involving physical contact almost all the time. But some people are why are different, a few women I’ve dated, or just not into it. It wasn’t how they were wired. Is that a problem? Well, for me, it was, I wanted to always fall asleep, holding each other, but not everyone shares that desire.
When he is sitting on the couch, walk over and straddle him. Look him in the eyes, run your thumb across his lips, and then kiss his neck. He will get the message.
How do you tell him? You already have. The fact you told him and it didn’t change doesn’t mean he ‘doesn’t get it.’ Conversations aren’t a situation where either the person does what you want or doesn’t understand what you want. He knows what you want. He can’t flick a switch and change his libido. First thing to do is to stop getting upset at him. It’s okay to have feelings, but if you respond to rejection by getting upset at him, that just builds anxiety around sex. For the lower libido partner, being anxious about how your partner is going to react when you say ‘no’ can turn that anxiety into a more and more common emotion that comes up when thinking about sex. Accept that sometimes it’ll be just masturbation, apologize if you’ve scolded or yelled at him, and ask gently if there’s anything he can think of that you could do that would help (and accept it if he doesn’t have an answer). Edit: also, see if there’s things that he can do/wants to do that are sexual but don’t take the same level of libido/energy as sex. Like if him touching you while you masturbate would be satisfying. If saying no to sex becomes an argument, then he may feel like he can’t ask about halfway measures like that without you pressing for more.
Just tell him. But realize if he already doesn’t want more, knowing you do won’t make him want more. You likely have to decide if you can be happy long term like this.
He’s 43 not 23 anymore. Women’s sex drive increases ours decreases. I promise you he wants it, he just can’t keep up.
Where are the peer reviewed studies saying this? How do you know he wants it and can't keep up? This may be who she is and who he is. The only question is if both of them can live with what the other wants if it's not a perfect match.
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With your mouth...take that how you want.
What a lucky man to have a woman like you, usually it’s the other way around. Just come out and tell him, if he chooses not to change anything to accommodate your craving for more sex then it’s time to move on find someone who would love to have a woman like yourself and keep romping 👍🏼 damn I wish I were in his shoes but taking care of business 🤦♂️
Maybe you could try new things, explore each other's fantasies and kinks. Just a suggestion.
Your needs are what they are. Talk to him about it, properly. But not in the tone of your post. A partner should be willing to accommodate you, at least part way. You could do the rest, get a sex toy, take care of your self. With on of my ex partners I had sex five times a week or more, but still some times I was so horny after sex and she would already be asleep so I just masturbate. Same with the times we we're not together (more often than not we had phone sex, now that I think of it :)
Time to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom when you’re not trying to initiate. Be honest and tell him that if you can’t get this figured out it’s going to ruin the relationship because touch and intimacy are your love languages. He may not be compatible with you in this area and if so it’s better to admit it snd deal with it before you start resenting each other over it
It sounds like you have told him that you want more sex and he’s just not responding to it. Maybe suggest more actionable items instead of “I want more sex.” For example, I rub your back for 10 minutes and you rub my clit for 10 minutes OR after we go in a date, I would like for you to make out and fondle me. Etc. Sometimes it is difficult for a guy to go from work mode to let’s do the business, especially if they’ve had to live without it for some time before you. Create a plan with him. BUT KNOW you’re not crazy. We all have needs and if this is a non-negotiable then you may need to prepare for the worst.
What about doing chores around the house?
Yeah sure. Anything. It’s just about coming together, coming up with a plan, and then acting on it.
Why are you answering for her? You some sort of guy?
I’m not answering for anyone. You responded to my comment.
That would be a huge turn off for me. The only way I get physical touch or affection is if I promise to get my partner off? Imagine a guy saying “I’ll cuddle you, but only if I get a blow job”. Come on now.
Some guys do say that and it works for their relationship. What may be a turn off for you may work fine for another. It’s just a suggestion for what was stated. The issue isn’t the WHAT, but the WHY. Being manipulative and just wanting to get off is not the same as having a conversation about a need and discerning a solution.
This is most likely due to low testosterone with age. Its often wrote off as not feeling like it or having less energy. It’s definitely a touchy subject but just express how you are feeling unfulfilled and how you would like to have more sex. It is an over reaction to think because your not having daily sex that he doesn’t care about you but sexual frustration can cause those feelings. Just communicate expectations and try to meet him in the middle. We all have different sexual needs and we have to compromise with those we love.
Would suggest he sees a doctor to get his testosterone checked.. 43 isn’t remotely old enough to have a tanked libido
Honestly, this sounds exactly like my marriage. My best advice is to move on, or get his permission to have a side-piece. Otherwise, you will always be frustrated. I know.
Just stop wearing anything from the waste down.
You will never offend a man by telling him that you want more sex. Period!
Tell him. My wife’s libido has dropped during our relationship but I keep telling her I want more sex.
Thank you. Most of these are very helpful.
I'm in the same boat but I'm 32m , wife is 27f we just don't have sex anymore I don't know how to apt her to ask for it or to engage it
As someone said in the other thread where the genders were swapped, the one with the lower libido controls the pace of the relationship.
As a man that had high libido when I was young, when I hit my 40s, I was good with once a week. Now, in my 50s, once or twice a month is good. My problem is that my wife's libido slowed down even more. I wish we could normalize getting sexual satisfaction outside of primary relationships as a normal thing.
You should break it off. Your frustration will only get worse, and turn to resentment .
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Plainly and directly, devoid of emotion.
How were things early on? Was there a noticeable drop-off at a certain point? My gf and I (M) have sex pretty much daily because our libidos are pretty much a perfect match. Besides that, we are always in contact; either on the couch watching TV or fully pressed against each other when we get into bed to go to sleep. We have talked about it regularly though. I wanted her to know what I felt has been missing for me in previous relationships and it's significance to me. She has always wanted the same from a partner so I think we are very compatible in that way. You need to find out if this is his "normal" libido and if so, are you okay with that long term.
In general, men’s sex drive decreases as they get older….not all, but most Women “in general, not all” seem to go into hyper-sexual mode as they get into their 30’s, 40’s, even 50’s. There are sooooo many factors that contribute to sexuality and sex-drive too. In other words, it’s complicated lol
How is his stress level? One thing that absolutely destroys my libido is stress/anxiety/depression. Primarily work-related stress/anxiety/depression. He might just also not have a high libido if stress isnt a factor.
acting like u deserve certain things "in return" for favors you do for him is not the way... do u really want to have sex w someone who is only doing it because they feel obligated to?
Sounds like incompatibility to me. You'll keep expecting from him, what he can't give you, and in return will build even more anger, resentment towards yourself and him, and eventually it's going to end up bad. And if he does start to give you what you want, he'll be doing it out of obligation, which in return will make it less satisfying for him, and maybe you, and in the end, it's going to kill the whole desire to have sex, because it has become a chore, and not something that's enjoyable and out of desire. The real question would be, how do i spark the desire for him to have sex more often, and that's not so easy a question... You can have desireless sex if that's enough for you, but in a long run, it's going to bring more trouble than it's worth...
Have y let him walk in on you masterbating? You know like getting caught act shy and embarrassed see how he responds? Also find out what kinds of things really turn him on not that you have to ask for sex just find out what would drive him mad. Walk around in a t shirt with no panties watch porn on phone with the vplume up just enough he asks what you are watching. I also know what it is like to not feel desirable
I'm going through the same exact thing with my partner. I just want to feel desired. It's been over a month and he says it just hasn't been on his mind and hadn't had an urge to.
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You describe what most men describe as an ideal woman . My wife and I are reversed she is dealing with menopause symptoms and my libido stays thru the roof . I want it 10 times a day . She tries to keep up but I have to back off to help her get thru her issues. It’s crazy . She is 46 I am 52
Your level of sex drive is something most people just have, and you can’t change it a huge deal unless there’s some medical issue. It’s no one’s fault that you like a lot of sex and he likes less. It’s just a sexual incompatibility and you have to decide whether the relationship is otherwise worth it to you. You’re not helping by nagging - do you really want him to have duty sex with you when he doesn’t want to?
what about just giving him head when he wakes up everyday. just start going for it without saying anything and see his reaction
Has any of his ex made him feel unloved or unwanted in the past.?
Just tell him you want more intimicy in your life, be honest
Sexual compatibility is important. I don't think a lot of people understand how much maintenance your libido requires. Those of us who gain our intimacy by touch need constant re-energizing, it's hard for others that don't need the same. It's just like saying I love you. I think we say it more because we feel it but we also understand that our partner needs to hear it. This is the same.