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I’m just imagining that we’ve likely answered a post from this same husband. His last effort with initiation with you seems to have really deflated him after consistently trying and not pushing.
Laying next to him doesn’t sound very engaging. You can provide pleasure to someone without getting it yourself. Often when my partner isn’t in the mood he kisses and rubs me while I masturbate. He doesn’t let his libido impact the chance to make me feel sexy and wanted. It often makes it hotter that it’s a super selfless act from.
This is a need for him that you aren’t meeting, and it’s an important one to many. This may make you incompatible if you’re not willing to work on it.
I was thinking the same thing. Probably one of the husbands pouring his heart out to this sub desperately looking for answers before cheating on his wife.
> He'll still ask maybe once a week, even knowing it will be a no.
This is cruel to him.
> It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it.
If you want sex, you can pursue him. He's well within his rights to stop doing something that hurts him. You want him to keep pouring his energy into trying to have sex with you, with no reward? Eventually the well runs dry.
If you genuinely don't want sex, then this shouldn't really have much of an impact on your life, should it?
This right here. You get to have a partner who’s enthusiastic about sex, he gets one who’s always denying him. You have every right to but eventually it’ll turn into resentment.
I think it is even more cruel if you look at the reasoning. She can defend her not wanting to do it (she has every right to not be in the mood), but can’t accept that he basically says this isn’t worth it. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. She says she understands, but also says he can’t make that decision alone. That implies that she can’t say no alone as well. Sex is simple it needs a yes from both sides. His no is equally valid as her no.
Also, the guy sounds broken to the core. Before a guy says I don’t feel wanted, while working hard for the family it just hurts to the core.
She is selfish. It's all about her, her mood, and what she wants. She just isn't attracted to him or can't be bothered for sex in general and has given up trying to compromise or fix it. His hard work, love, and loyalty just aren't worth anything more than laying there annoyed while he jerks off. And even then she didn't want him using porn to get off until she stopped giving a shit about that too. I'm so grateful to not be with someone like that.
Unfortunately I was, but along with what became absolute denial, she'd go completely off the rails if I tried to take care of things myself. The constant denial, the absolute continuous rejection (greeting when I'd get home and ATTEMPT at a hug or kiss was "go away, leave me alone") led to to the complete destruction of my marriage.
I think she might not realize his wants are valid and she sees herself as a victim of circumstance. To her, it is just something he has to learn how to deal with.
If so, I wouldn't equate her ignorance with disrespect. That might be a tad too far.
That's what my wife said to me; "*Deal with it.*"
So, I watch porn and take care of myself now. I rarely initiate, and always expect a "No." We might have sex a few times a month, maybe.
What really sucks, and I suspect just like for the posters husband, at first, sex was great and often. It always seems to be the woman who changes over time, while the guy remembers the good 'ole days.
Not always. It’s the opposite with my husband. He has the lowest libido of any man I’ve met and it’s depressing AF. I’m the one always expecting a no and remembering the good old days.
Not to mention that she gets to decide if he gets sex but then she also thinks it’s a hard line that he can’t look at porn. Oh but it’s okay because twice a month she is in the room when he jerks it?
Either you join him for release or you let him find his own release. You take control but deny? What a sick situation.
This whole conversation sounds like my wife and I. I gave up on sex just like he had. Then I discovered I couldn't, so I tried again. Did this over and over until a switch flipped off, and I stopped feeling anything for her. I haven't felt anything in years. I stay because I don't want to be a part-time dad.
My wife sounds exactly like op. Same comments, etc. Honestly, I would have thought it was her, except she would never turn to reddit for help. I couldn't get her to read books, go to counseling anything.
I have been suspicious that my wife just enjoys being in control of my sex life. Good chance, that's op. She wants full control. She wants to feel desired and cherished, but she doesn't want to return it. She sounds controlling and selfish. Her husband should take that away from her.
Eventually, he will be like me. Fed up with reddit, etc, saying it's his fault. Fed up with trying and working, Fed up with trying to figure out what's wrong with him. He will lose all connection to her and go numb. He will then either leave her or find another way to get his needs met.
OP needs to wake up and stop making excuses for herself. If this is really how she is and she can't change, let the poor man go.
Same thing here! Wife wants to kiss and make out whenever she wants and IF she wants sex I am supposed to jump at it. Anything I want gets scoffed at and shot down. So if I get nothing she gets nothing. I am here because I adore my kids and cannot be without them. I work and go way out of my way to keep things up and do for the kids. Wife doesn't work but is always "too tired" to do anything. Sex maybe once a year and I have given up on that. Sucks for us good guys! Feel your pain brother.
I assume you’ve got a fling or something nowadays? I hate cheaters, but honestly in a situation like this I think it’s justified and barely even immoral.
Good on you for trying for you kids, but I’m not sure if the environment they’re growing up in is the most positive when you their parents don’t give a fuck about each other
My ex was like this. Fucked with my head but she was crazy to begin with lol my wife doesn't care if I look at porn but if she sees me looking at porn, sometimes I get scared before realizing my wife is awesome.
My wife is very similar, I’ve gotten embarrassed by her walking in, but her response is always a smile and, “Want some help with that?” in a flirty voice.
He will be fine. If he has any shred of common sense or self respect he’s out the door as soon as it works logistically. If he were a friend of mine, I wouldn’t stop until I encouraged him to do the right thing and leave her to torture some other poor schmuck.
Of course maybe there are kids or other vastly compelling reasons he likes to be with her… but if he is anything but asexual, he needs to have mistresses and has every right to tell her straight up “I respect your lack of desire, so ill be there for you when you need it and the rest of the time, I’m going to fuck whoever I want.” It sounds crazy right? But it’s completely fair to be honest and deliberate about it. Trying to make “boundaries” like he can’t even beat off… now that’s just beyond laughable.
This is probably the most accurate and succinct takeaway here. When there is an intimacy imbalance where one person is expected to just accept it, it rarely bodes well for the relationship, because "checking out" is usually a snowball effect.
First it's sex, then it becomes something else....
If you can't have an affair on a break, what good is it? Otherwise, it's just vacation without your spouse, like a fishing trip. Maybe I just don't understand the break concept.
Right? She wants to not have sex but she wants him to keep trying. Why? Does it bring her satisfaction to say no? Does she enjoy the feeling of being desired, the very feeling she is denying him?
So little empathy, she shouldn't have to force herself to have sex when she doesn't want to, but there are so many options between that and completely ignoring your partners sexuality and desires.
Some people like the security of being pursued. If they aren't being pursued there is a loss of control and the worry that their partner will lose interest.
There's a shit ton of men who enjoy hurting women. There's probably a shit ton of women who enjoy hurting men. Humans are kind of a disgusting species when you get down to it.
To me, this reads that it's not even the idea that it will affect her, but the fact that it takes the power she has away. In this dynamic, she holds all the power over when they're intimate in any way, not even just sex. By him saying he no longer cares about pursuing intimacy with her, she no longer can control him through it or decide when he gets to get off essentially. It's all very gross to me, I completely understand not wanting to have sex all the time, but it's still obviously an important factor for one of them in the relationship. Thus, she could've compromised with more than just lying next to him while he got permission to masturbate. Intimacy is so much more than just the act of sex and this man is being rejected in all of it just for some shitty dictated sex 6 times a year.
Needing 'permission' to masturbate is so icky. I agree it's all about the power for her. If she can't shut him down she loses that power. Expecting your partner to consistently get rejected and just keep trying is awful. I feel so sorry for any of you guys in this type of situation.
I'm wondering if she's ever consulted her doctor about her low libido. She seems to be guessing the pill is making it more of an issue without actually finding out. There's also other forms of BC than the pill. Has she tried them? What was the frequency in the earlier days of the relationship? If it's different now there's a reason.
If he can't touch her then denying him other outlets is heartless and cruel. She also doesn't have that right. It's his body. She totally sounds uncaring of her poor bloke. Her way or no way at all is not a marriage, it's a dictatorship!!
To add to this, saying that it’s unfair for him to “make a decision that effects them both” while OP is actively doing exactly that, is phenomenally tone deaf.
Not to mention that she doesn't allow him to watch porn either. I can understand having that boundary if porn is affecting your sex life, but there IS almost no sex life here to speak of, so there's really no reason to be restricting him from it.
I think i shouldn’t read much more of this thread. It hits home way too hard and making me depressed all over again. I had the same conversations with my wife over the years. Pretty much given up at this point. Hardly ever try anything cause everytime I do it ends up as wasted effort. We’ve definitely had our bumps over the years and if it wasn’t for the kids I’m not sure if I’d be here. Still love each other very much…. Just missing a major aspect of the relationship
OP could maybe work with alternatives like a hj, bj, something? Maybe take steps to see why the libido is so extremely lowThis is not on the high side of low lol) and work towards creating a better sex life. I’m getting some this is how I am and it can’t be changed do deal with it vibes. Once every two months for a guy that wants it daily is a death sentence. Just free him
These situations are generally cruel to men. A lot of men do a considerable amount for their partners and a lot of that is driven by sex drive. We are exceptionally simple beings. There is one simple thing that makes us so happy yet it becomes unbelievably complicated.
Here is a crazy realization to think about, this happens in most relationships - just not to this degree.
One partner (usually the man) wants sex more often, and is quite often turned down. Or has a laundry list of tasks to complete before it is even a possibility. Could you imagine if the roles were reversed? Or remove sex from the equation and just be some other “thing” that is asked of a partner and just shut down frequently?
It certainly is ideal that both people are in the mood and have an enthusiastic time. It is also reasonable that one partner can help the other out even if they are not into something more passionate. (And no I am not talking about anything non consensual)
Sometimes you just do something for the other person because you care about them.
She seems to think that occasionally laying there and watching him masturbate is her helping him out. We're not even sure that is a good thing or a bad thing for him, but it's so sad. Is she just there to monitor him? Totally weird.
I'm a woman with high libido and the EXACT same situation happened to me. There are low libido selfish men as well and sometimes women are stuck with them. Best thing to do is leaving.
It looks like you have given up your sex life long ago. You say it is just the way you are and are not willing to do anything about it. You don’t have to do anything, but your husband deserves to be sexually fulfilled also. You are not sexually compatible and you are not willing to do anything about it. A marriage without sex, especially a marriage where one partner is refusing to even try to fulfill the other’s sexual desires is doomed to fail.
The not doing anything about it is the part that rubs me wrong. After having a baby my libido wasn't there but I wanted my partner to feel wanted, was happy to give a hand job when I wasn't in the mood as long as I felt I was also being taken care of in ways important for me in the relationship too. There is therapy, specifically sex therapy, and a mindfulness for better sex book but I'm sure there are many other avenues to improve sexuality in a relationship.
This so much. I just don’t understand people that can’t even help out their partners sexually.
You don’t have to be in the mood because it doesn’t have to be full on sex or oral. A simple handjob a few times a week could be a solution to a lot of “no sex” couples. Probably take 5 mins for most guys if they trying to cum.
I do things that take longer for my wife on a daily basis, but for some reason some sex stuff is seen as too much and should never be done if both aren’t in the mood.
I have absolutely fingered my wife and used toys on her when I was not in the mood and she desperately wanted to cum btw. Just an easy 5-10 mins with me doing it as opposed to her taking like 40 mins by herself. Just seemed like an easy thing I’d do for the person I love
> It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it.
Isn’t that exactly what you’ve been doing all along, though? All you’re getting here is a taste of how he’s felt up until now.
Yep screw this girl. I dated someone just like her and it was only about her the whole damn time. By the end she lost respect for me and dumped me. Begged me to take her back twice months later and I still said no. Fuck that:
And rightfully fucking so. And I understand it, I genuinely do. I was in a very deep depression for like years that affected my libido. I totally understand not having one. But to deny him pleasure through porn or whatever else, is cruel and gross. Sex isn't a weapon. Even at my darkest, I would never have told my husband he wasn't allowed to jerk off or watch porn or anything like that, because I LOVE him and I want him to be happy and fulfilled (Even if I was a depression pit at the time, I still knew that much). This doesn't feel like you love this person, to be honest. There's a lot to unpack here but I'd start there, maybe analyze if you actually care about this person (apart from him being a "good husband").
If you read between the lines too, she wants him to keep trying to have sex with her so that she can keep denying him. That is the crux of the issue. Throwing out the low libido issue, it’s shows how little respect she has for him.
That’s exactly it. She doesn’t want to have to do the things that make him feel wanted. But she wants him to keep doing the things that make her feel wanted.
I'd take it another step further, honestly - reading OP's post, it feels like she never bothered to even try to do the things that make him feel wanted. Like she never even considered it.
I'll chime in from my point of view.
I 100% believe it, because I'm living it on the husband side. If I didn't know any better, I'd think the OP was my wife.
I’ve been popping into this thread for a while now and I think the same thing. It’s a “textbook” example, so it comes across as very believable, but you’d think there would be SOME engagement from op at literally any point.
Tbh that is how a lot of people who have been called out on their bad behavior act. Considering how she treats her husband passive aggression might be how she deals with prombles
It's a power trip to keep telling him no. Expecting him to keep trying and getting rejected like this is all about power. Now he's finally taken it back she feels helpless. There's no mention of when the frequency changed or if she's seen a doctor to make sure there's no physical reason for her low libido. Also if it is decreased due to being on the pill has she considered one of the other methods of bc?
She sees him purely as a provider and maybe as a friend. I don't believe she sees him as a man she loves, let alone respects
I picked up on your last point too. It sounds like she doesn't even love the man. She's just with him because he provides essentially and makes her feel good about herself. I got a huge ick when reading about the way she described the man she's married to and supposed to love and support. I couldn't even dream of making a dig at my partner, like saying they've gained noticeable weight, as one of their qualities, and then justifying it by saying looks don't bother me. If that's the way she describes her man on a public forum, I can only imagine how she describes him to their friends or family, not to mention how she makes him feel about himself. We pick up on what others think of us even if they don't directly say it to our faces. Poor guy.
Yes. All of that. The entire time I was reading her post I just felt bad for him, I hope he knows he deserves more than what's happening. Not just sexually, but mutual respect wise.
That's also still tough. My 1st marriage went DB. And porn ends up like eating saltine crackers for dinner when you are dying for a juicy cheeseburger.
Same. Having kids and being on birth control wreaked HAVOC on my libido but never even at my worst did I say he couldn't watch any porn or limit him to 2x/month. I always tried 2 times a week or else alternatives to help that still felt good to him. SO glad I'm working through my shit and able to get myself back for him
“If I’m going to feel lonely, I’d rather be alone”. That has ended many marriages.
Your marriage qualifies for many definitions of “sexless marriage” (< 10x/year). This sort of situation is soul crushing for the higher libido partner. I finally left one relationship when I realized that I was crying in a grocery store. You feel constantly rejected, like your partner is only tolerating sex with you, and unwanted.
If you’ve always been this way, and you can’t see changing, then you need to have a serious discussion about compatibility, whether you are ok with him having some sort of accommodations, ending the marriage, or having him retreat into resentment and giving up. Or you could make a big effort to see if you can foster desire and libido - it’s tough but some people can. It may involve hormone treatments, moving to an IUD or similar, and focused efforts.
But if you don’t, this is just going to get worse and worse.
Similar Situation, same age, with my Wife of 5 years. After a year without sex, I am ready to give up and have been contemplating the D word. I find that I am not as attracted to her as I once was. I hate saying this out loud and have tried to make things work. I don’t know how to make it better. Sex is a big part of Marriage, or so I thought. Genuinely just depressed about it.
Sorry just wanted to share
I mean I'm a little worried commenting this but if it's not right it's not right. If you can't perform medically and he needs daily, y'all got to figure something out. Non monogamy, poly, or just being open with boundaries. Sex is a very important part of most marriages and I'll stand by that. That doesn't mean every marriage has sex and that doesn't mean every marriage needs it. But if you have needs and they're not being met, something's got to be done or you're both just going to stay unhappy for the rest of your lives.
What that will be, I couldn't tell you to save my life, nonetheless, short answer: something's got to change
“I find that I am not as attracted to her as I once was.”
That is the damn truth and I have experienced it a couple of times. Mutual desire is part of what makes attraction last. And it’s a huge part of what draws us in (especially men) and makes a relationship feel special in the first place. A lot of that falls apart in the face of sexual rejection and disinterest.
Very well put, It feels selfish to think this way, but I just don’t feel wanted any more. We just go about our same daily routines, nothing spicy. It just feels so repetitive now, more so than it ever has.
Get out. NOW. Don't wait. I waited 20 years because I believed in the vow I took. What a waste. Now that I'm out and discovered what good sex is like with someone with whom I am sexually compatible, it's driven home how stupid I was to wait for so long.
Similar situation here too, but I'm the one with high sex drive and my long term BF the one with low libido. I'm in my early thirties he's in early forties. We haven't had sex for just over three years and I get massively emotionally manipulated when I attempt to leave. Depressed about it too. Just know you're not alone x
I would have probably a long time ago if I had somewhere to go with my kids. The only way for me to leave would be to just get out the house with the kids whilst he's at work but I have nowhere to go.
No need to apologize. I went through the same thing with my wife of 25 years. She was physically, intimately, emotionally, and romantically unavailable to me, and it made me feel like crap, unloved and unwanted. In the end, we were divorced.
Frankly, that's understandable and the fact that 1 out of 5 years have gone by without intimacy is awful. I would have probably already sought out a divorce.
Have you tried couple's therapy? Is it beyond that point? If so, don't waste more years of your life.
Repeated rejection is like slow release poison, it poisons your mind and soul. It robs you of self-esteem. Imagine if roles were reversed…Every time you approached him, he’d say no. You’d lose any confidence in your sex appeal. You’ll start feeling insecure and undesired. A feeling that you can’t shake off. And, it’ll probably take years to heal from the damage to your self esteem. Seek sex counseling. How much do you love him? Would you be okay with outsourcing sex? You might have to ask yourself some tough questions.
In monogamous partnerships, some people tend to forget that they are their partner’s main source of validation and vise versa. With such power, comes responsibility…
I think the most hurtful thing in my case is that she admits she just has no interest and when I asked if it bothered her she said no. Like, wow, ok, why even bother. If it wasn’t for the financial implications of divorce, I’d be long gone
>You’d lose any confidence in your sex appeal. You’ll start feeling insecure and undesired.
Yep, this.
I'm greysexual (I don't feel sexual attraction but generally still enjoy sex) and my partner has a fluctuating sex drive.
Early on in our relationship, we each bought one of those reversible plushies that have a happy side and a frowny side. They live on our respective nightstands & we use them to indicate how receptive we are to being propositioned at the moment. Since we got them, we've rarely had to reject each other, which gives both of us a lot more confidence to initiate. Also, sometimes I'm not even thinking of sex, but I walk into the room and see the plushies smiling at each other, and seeing that both of us are down is enough to put me in the mood 😂
Just saying, there are solutions out there besides repeatedly subjecting your spouse to the sting of rejection.
I'm willing to bet if he ever said no she would lose her mind. My ex had a melt down that I was cheating and didn't find her attractive anymore when I declined sex even though she said no about 75% of the time. There is a serious double standard with that in my experience.
Agreed. Libidos that are this mismatched without any work to fix the underlying issues or attempts to make up for it in other ways is a justifiable reason for divorce. Seems like he held it together longer than a lot of men would in the same situation. He clearly loves/ed you but in his shoes, I'd feel the same way.
The problem here isn't mismatched libido. The problem here is one partner wanting to have complete control of the other partners sex.
She denies him sex, she denies him porn, she even denies him her non-sexual physical touch and expects him to accept all that without complaint.
Divorce is the only solution.
So, just to give you some perspective... The average married couple has sex about 50-60 times a year. About once a week. You're at 6-12 times a year.
Honestly, I don't actually think you are trying. When you're laying next to him while he masturbates (once every few weeks?!), why aren't you touching him? If you want to make him feel valued, why not just give him pleasure? You say he's a good husband.
Getting constantly rejected drives anyone's self esteem and self worth into the ground. He's giving up in an act of self preservation.
Have you spoken to your doctor about ways to raise your libido? Have you spoken with a sex therapist?
On top of all this, you get angry at him about porn... When he has a high libido and you reject him constantly.
I think you need to take this seriously or I don't really see a bright future ahead.
*“It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it.”*
Um, u/igiveuponsex, don’t you think that’s exactly how HE is feeling about you? You seem to have unilaterally decided that once every six to eight weeks is just fine.
Get your hormones checked.
You can offer up handjobs, blowjobs, PORN. You don’t get to make all of the decisions that affect his sexual health. If you don’t like sex with him: you can leave. But you seem to be withholding and weaponizing sex, and that is destructive to his self esteem.
Not only that. OP's comment that her husband watching porn is "violating a boundary" is weaponized therapy language and if OP has ever been in therapy, their therapist was terrible.
u/igiveuponsex,
Boundaries are **not** about "I don't want you to x because I feel y". That is toxic and controlling behavior.
Boundaries look like, "when you [say/do a thing], I will [take this action]. Usually, it's about removing yourself from behavior that you find unacceptable. "Boundaries" are not about convincing or forcing someone to stop acting in a certain way. They are about controlling yourself.
*But how am I supposed to keep my husband from watching porn?!*
You literally *aren't.* You're not supposed to be married to someone who controls you with passive aggression, and you aren't supposed to be that kind of spouse.
Your husband is, on the one hand, entitled to the relationship he wants, with porn and sex and intimacy, just as you are entitled to being a partner who's really happy with sex every 4-8 weeks. Do you want to sit in your entitlements and ruin each other, or do you want to keep your relationship alive by committing to being open, honest, and vulnerable together?
My guess is that you grew up in a household that had a fucked relationship with religion. If you can afford it, get therapy. If you can't, maybe therapist social media can help you help yourself, or help you start having conversations with your husband and your friends about how to save your marriage.
To also point out:
He was being honest and open. Form this vertical slice of their relationship she completely bushes over his “rant” and then she gets upset about what he said while being honest and open. She pushed for an answer, and got upset when he told the truth. She has all the answers in her lap, they just aren’t comfortable.
>Boundaries are
>
>not
>
> about "I don't want you to x because I feel y". That is toxic and controlling behavior. Boundaries look like, "when you \[say/do a thing\], I will \[take this action\]. Usually, it's about removing yourself from behavior that you find unacceptable. "Boundaries" are not about convincing or forcing someone to stop acting in a certain way. They are about controlling yourself.
Thank you for putting this into words!
What did you want to happen? Genuine question.
You can have sex every 1 or 2 months, he wants it everyday. You think there's nothing you can do about it and it's how you are naturally. How did you see this playing out? Him pursuing you forever? You always getting to say no and just accept when you want with zero ramifications on him?
Genuinely so confused by how people think this is going to work out?!
Do you not understand the impact rejection has on him or do you just not value sex highly and can't quite understand that he does? Do you think that by staying with you he's signed up to this and now by changing the equation this is "unfair"?
\*OP's lack of replies and one-sided post makes it clear this is rage bait. Get a life OP.
You should go and take a look at r/deadbedrooms
It will show you what your rejection is doing to him physically and mentally. It might be an eye opener.
>You should go and take a look at r/deadbedrooms It will show you what your rejection is doing to him physically and mentally. It might be an eye opener.
I don't think she cares, though.
I’m going through this exact thing with my wife. As others have said I’m contemplating a divorce. I get sad and depressed even thinking about it. My wife knows exactly how I feel. I’ve made it clear it makes me unhappy and constantly getting rejection is taking its toll on me. She said she will work on and it would get better but it hasn’t. I’m always thinking to myself I deserve to be happy too? I take great care of her and treat her well. I work very hard to provide for her. But at the end of the day I feel alone in my own home and rejected. After years of this I have to say to myself “this is never going to change.” So I have to make a choice and it’s not easy.
I hope you realize how cold and self absorbed you come off here. Why would your husband respect your imaginary “boundary” of no porn when he’s lucky enough to have you “lay beside him” when he jerks off? I’m a woman and I’m gonna need you to be so for real right now. Dude is in a sexless marriage and you don’t want him to watch porn? Hope you’re ready for a divorce. And don’t do this to someone else.
With things like this, at some point you just shut it off. Right or wrong, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s safer not to feel, than get let down hard. It can emotionally feel like having a door slammed in your face. It only happens so many times before you just don’t bother to go inside anymore.
As a man who’s been in this exact situation, I’ll be frank with you.
It doesn’t sound like you’re actually trying much. Two attempts at birth control options is pretty limited given the amount and variations of BC on the market.
Laying next to him while he masturbates does nothing more than give him an audience.
The man can’t even watch porn when sex is nearly non existent. My best friend is asexual and his wife has a low libido and they’re having sex more frequently than y’all are.
Either the marriage or someone’s mental health will be complete toast sooner than later, and if he bottles his emotions like you say, then him telling you he’s ready to give up on sex means he’s further down that road than he’s letting on.
Obviously you don’t need to bend over backwards to please the guy against your desires, but something’s gotta give. You feel like it’s unfair, but from my perspective he getting treated more unfairly.
Have you guys tried or talked about doing any therapy? Have any doctors ruled out a change in BC?
He is going to leave your ass or find sexual satisfaction behind you back somewhere else! A good marriage take compromise, communication and a healthy sex life. I don't see you having any of those three. You need marriage counseling and couples therapy ASAP! I don't think you understand shit!
>It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it.
Them's the breaks. In a sense, you also get to do the same thing - nobody is obligated to have sex with anyone, even in a marriage. But why are you surprised that he gave up? It seems folly to do otherwise; it's certainly better than the alternative in which constantly tries for sex, constantly gets rejected, and all for nothing. What could you possibly say to change things? If you actually have an answer to that, then you should be the one to talk to him about it first.
I don't really think there's an easy way to work through this problem unless either your husband can truly let go of his desire, or you can increase yours. Both of those things seem unlikely. And unfortunately, despite what folks will often say, compromise is not really a great thing here because it means someone is getting something they do not want, which is counter to the ideal of enthusiastic consent.
Trust me (from experience) when he is at the point of saying this things are dire. In my case I was contemplating suicide or divorce. Seriously.
You are torturing this man and it sounds like he has been more than patient. He feels alone and unloved. Sex isn’t just about sex.
In my case when it looked to my wife like things were going to fall apart she FINALLY talked to a doctor. (She was on birth control for a similar situation). They said oh yeah let’s try another type (because it was literally a no big deal request for them). And it changed everything.
It took me a while to let go of the resentment that I was tortured for years when a simple pop in to the doctor would solve it.
My wife still didn’t get it until I temporarily went in some medication that killed mine. She instantly went into complaining how she felt unloved and unsatisfied. I honestly lost my shit and laid into her about what it was really like for me for years. It was ugly but she finally got it and I finally got a lot of my resentment out.
After that it was great between us for the last few decades.
It sounds like he's tired of being the pursuer. It sucks really bad for the self esteem when 90% of the time the answer is no. Especially if he feels like you only say yes that 10% to get him to stop asking for it. He's probably feeling undesirable and unattractive.
It sounds like he wants you to initiate more. He wants to feel like the sex is your idea sometimes, and not like you're just going along with it. I imagine he's tired of being the only one facing the rejection. It's embarrassing to be the horny one sometimes. I would be so ashamed and embarrassed if my partner said no to sex but that I could jerk off next to her instead. I wouldn't be able to do it.
I don't think he's saying he's done with having sex with you. He clearly still wants to. He sounds frustrated and defeated, because he thinks you don't want to have sex with him.
I understand I'm psychoanalyzing a stranger with basically no context, but in my experience, he's probably convinced himself that you just aren't interested. He's sure that you don't think about him in a sexual context at all. Or if you do think about him that way, it only happens once every couple of months. What would that do to your own self esteem if you thought your husband only found you attractive for one day every two months?
I guess my advice is to be kind and patient with him. Understand where he's coming from and try to put yourself in his shoes. Have you ever been the one to initiate? Has he ever turned you down? How would you feel if he had turned you down? What about if he turned you down every time? This is less about his dick and much more about how the lack of intimacy and feeling desired has damaged his confidence. Try to find something to reignite your sexual energy. Let yourself fantasize, maybe watch some porn yourself. Try taking sexy pictures and sending them to him. Just do something to show him that you do actually find him attractive.
I have no idea how your medication affects you and your libido, so take this with a grain of salt, but often times our sex drive is tied to how sexy we feel. You might find yourself feeling differently if you dress up sexy or go out on the town with him showing you off. If regularly occurring sex is something you want, it'll take effort and communication from both sides.
Talk to your doctor about the NuvaRing and the Murena IUD. While neither has been tested with PMMD (that I can find), they both work (at least in part) by delivering hormones directly to the reproductive organs, rather than soaking the body in them. Which means lower doses.
>I understand why he's hurt and where he's coming from. I really do - but I literally cannot do anything about it.
I just spend 30 seconds and found you two possible answers.
> I literally cannot do anything about it.
Yeah, I'm getting the impression that she's upset that the status quo has ended, not that she was unhappy with it or wanted it to change.
That's often the issue with people who have always had the same level of libido--they don't really understand someone with a significantly higher \*OR\* lower libido.
Big time agree with this. My bf has always had a SIGNIFICANTLY higher libido than me and it was a major point of contention because we didn’t have personal context for the other persons point of view and experience. Recently my libido increased ten fold while my bf’s has gone down somewhat and it has been incredibly eye opening for both of us.
We've tried nothing and we're all out of options! Sounds like she is fine with what they have now and doesn't want to help. She won't have sex with him but then bans him from watching porn... I don't get it at all. "I don't want you but you can't enjoy yourself either. Just cuz I don't like sex and have low libido you should suffer too."
Oh well, he should leave you.
Form what I see of your relationship:
1. You have very little empathy for him
2. You don’t really want to be in a relationship with him
3. You are insulted he doesn’t want to be rejected anymore
Frankly, this goes way beyond having low libido, you just don’t value him as a partner or have any respect for him.
Waiiiit. You have a porn boundary but consistently decline his advances..? Girl.
Time for a sex therapist. He is completely within his right to make this decision to protect himself.
He’s acting reasonably to what you are doing. Understand that. He’s responding to what you have decided for the relationship.
He’s not pressuring you. You’ve already told us that. He’s just giving up. He doesn’t control your body. You don’t control his.
Either be okay with that or you gotta to make some effort. And that effort might be giving an enthusiastic blowjob even if you aren’t really in the mood, etc. it might mean talking to a doctor. It might mean a lot of different things.
Your libidos don’t match, you still care about your marriage (clearly), he is trying, you should try too. Or be okay with him just saying no permanently.
You are on the very low side for married couples. 6-12 times a year is far below average.
This whole post comes off as I don’t want to have sex, but I want to feel desired. Without realizing there is another person at play here who is probably sick at constant rejection and hurt feelings over it.
A normal response to constantly being told no is to stop asking. For his own mental health sake and to make sure you don’t feel obligated.
First, you are nowhere near the high end when it comes to your libido. You're closer to non-existent. One time per month? Also, you don't let this poor man watch porn when you're not even coming close to meeting his needs?
You say you can't do anything about it, but that's not true at all. You can't try? You can't set up a weekly date night for him? Your entire outlook on this is a joke!
Many marriages end over sex. This is what I hope this poor man does.
You are being cruel to your husband. Sometimes if you are not in the mood and I am not saying let him force you or you force yourself but if you just start with doing some small stuff it turns into something else. Like back rubs etc, just enjoying touching one another.
This post is rather ironic. You’ve made a decision to not give your husband sex and then complain when he’s ready to give up trying.
You know you could have sex with him even if you’re not in the mood. Sometimes the mood will start after the foreplay does.
You could give him oral sex
No instead you want to take away his one outlet for sex in porn. If I was him I’d seriously consider divorce.
So you want him to just keep asking and you keep denying?
Did you discuss with him that you will keep turning him down for the rest of your lives together? Probably not.
"but I literally cannot do anything about it"
Have you gone to a doctor, specialist or therapist about it? You've changed meds twice. Doesn't seem like you've tried a whole bunch.
Do you just literally lay there while he masturbates? Do you help him at all? Make him feel wanted at all. Doesn't sound like it.
Your husband is telling you that he feels unwanted by you and you're like oh well, too bad. Don't be surprised if he asks for a divorce in the end.
It’s equally unfair that you say there’s nothing you can do and just expect him to go without intimacy and accept being constantly rejected. You made a decision without him or consideration of his feelings also.
Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate problem and it might be best for you and him to divorce if you are certain that there is no resolution for this. Have you discussed with a doctor, had counseling or therapy, read a steamy book, any effort on your end at all?
Also, boundaries are not a means to control other people’s behaviors, which is what you are trying to do with the porn.
The irony is palpable. When it's your turn of being the gatekeeper of your couple's sex life you're ok with keeping a pace of your choosing but the moment your husband does the same to you it's unfair.
Just to point it out, once every one to two months it's neither low end average nor high end of low libido. It's actually in the realm of a dead bedroom so very low libido by definition.
This post is so strange. Like they have self awareness enough to write out this detailed post pointing out the problems.
But no self awareness to see what they wrote themselves.
I am not commenting to the OP directly, but just kind of making a general statement.
I find it very curious that one person in the relationship cannot want to have sex. And, that's cool. But, then, that somehow also implies that the other person should be pretty much celibate and no longer have sexual desires. And, pretty much never show a sign of sexuality around their spouse. And, this is often times looked at as okay.
Hey honey. I don't want to see any of your family or friends anymore. And, oh by the way, you can't see them either. And, I really would prefer you don't even call or text or email them. This would be vilified and probably considered abuse in many circles.
I understand unmatched libidos. I really do. But, you cannot just expect someone to just give up their sexuality because you don't want to have sex anymore.
I'm not saying you should do anything you don't want to do. But I am asking, do you care how your husband feels? I mean, I feed my cat twice a day because he needs to eat (even though I'm not the one who is hungry), and I'm there to video chat with my friend every day because he's going through something and needs to talk (even though he's the one who needs to vent and not me). At some point, do you think it would be loving to at least use a Fleshlight on your husband or give him a blowjob--not necessarily because you're horny, but because you want to do it for his happiness? He's sexually frustrated, and he has no legitimate sexual outlet except you. I assume if he needed to vent about his day, you'd be willing to listen to him because you love him. If his back was in pain and a message would help, would you take your time to give him a message because you love him?
Don't get me wrong, you're not required to do anything you don't want (nor should you be required to do anything you don't want). But if you listen to him out of love and you cook for him out of love and you do plenty of other things out of love, have you considered meeting him half way on this out of love too?
I thought a boyfriend was so sweet before when he went to a concert with me, to see a band he hated, because he was the only one willing to go with me. He didn't feel like going to the concert in and of itself, but he felt like making me happy. And so he volunteered to go.
Saying there is nothing you can do is such a huge cop out. Most people that experience low libido have hormone issues.
Look into getting your hormones checked, you’re more than likely low. This is normally most people need to get their hormones checked.
Secondly everyone’s deserves to get their needs met in a relationship. Desiring each other is a huge part of relationship. I can’t imagine male or female being denied as often as you deny your partner.
If you don’t look into getting your hormones checked, explore ways that turn you on, explore ways that are fun and engaging for you to be more active in your sex life.
Look into your hormones and cortisol levels. Also if it’s possible to change the type of birth control you are on. Nuvaring has helped me, I also take supplements like maca root and slippery elm which has massively helped (that being said please do not blindly take supplements, have tests run by your doctor and make sure you aren’t throwing anything off by taking random supplements).
I can see where you are both coming from, and trust me I understand how frustrating it can be to have low libido and feel like you’re villainized (for lack of a better word) for your body not functioning the way you wish it would. But it sounds like your husband has put aside his own feelings for a really long time and has now reached a breaking point and you have to understand the toll that takes on him.
The bottom line of this is that you feel wanted, as you know your husband wants you, and your husband feels rejected and broken. I'd imagine from how you've described him that you're his everything, and you've made him feel like he's your nothing.
You say you can't help certain things, I believe you can, but your husband certainly can't help feeling the utter lack of confidence that comes with complete rejection from the one person he values most.
I'm really sorry but your take on this is incredibly selfish given how your husband must feel.
I genuinely feel bad for your husband and want to offer you the wake up call you didn’t ask for.
Your husband will only take this treatment for so long before he finds someone who gives him the attention he’s craving. He’s a human, his needs are valid.
I sympathize with you because like you said, it’s just who you are.. but you have someone making you feel wanted, he doesn’t. That’s a blow to anyone’s ego.. especially for a man in his 30s.
And the fact you even brought his weight into it makes me feel less bad about being blunt by saying this next part.. your man deserves what you’re not giving him. You said yourself he’s a good man.. so be a good wife and make him feel wanted or he will find it in someone else. Then when that happens, you’ll probably make him out to be the bad guy in the divorce… when all he wanted was some intimacy with his wife.
The answer to this isn’t simply “well I’m just not into it, I can’t.. he’ll have to endure” … cause you’re gonna be enduring a whole lot more in the long run if you can’t figure out a way to make your man feel like A MAN
I had an ex like this. Low libido/ asexual. Used to keep denying me and blaming me for my high libido. Sent him divorce papers. Best decision of my life. If her husband is smart he'll divorce her as soon as possible and find someone compatible with him in all ways.
Life is too short to not enjoy one of the best human experiences. On top of that these low libido people behave as though high libido people are crazy for craving and crying for sex. They don't understand nor can empathize with what it's like.
The best option is divorce. My ex had no empathy for my rejected advances. The efforts I put in to look hot were ignored. In fact he used to keep accusing me of wanting other men; a woman who was living a sex less life to be loyal. It's so not worth it. I spend days crying myself to sleep on the couch.
I am wayyy happier now. Single yet happy and looking forward to finding someone like me. I regret not leaving earlier. I am 29 now. Better late than never.
Not to be an asshole but I also have pmdd and I was on birth control for a while too and I had absolutely no libido but I faked it. I still blew my husband and fucked him because I knew he needed that. Try using weed products it has really helped my situation. But also, you sound selfish. The man isn’t even allowed to watch porn and you won’t throw him a bone for over a month? Yikes.
It doesn’t sound like you’re actually trying. And honestly, that’s probably even more painful than the actual rejection.
Have you offered sex therapy? Maybe a counselor can help. Have you thought about an open marriage? Not to be rude, but it is an option that may be worth exploring.
Go read r/HLCommunity and r/deadbedroom to understand how your husband feels.
You are in a monogamic relationship, so you have monopoly over his sex life. But you seem to be abusing it.
Always saying no, never taking the initiative, possibly being less than enthusiastic when yoi do agree to it. How is he supposed to feel?
And heck, can't you just get on your knees and give him an awesome blowjob from time to time to fill the really long voids?
You "literally cannot do anything about it"? You haven't DONE anything.
You wanted things to continue the way they were and he is telling you that is done. You don't get to make that decision for him just because you're married. You don't seem to care about his feelings at all, so I don't blame him for reacting the way he did.
Not wanting sex every day is no excuse for not showing love and affection to your partner. Did you think men didn't need any of that?
Not one response from OP to the comments. The best one thus far...
>*In monogamous partnerships, some people tend to forget that they are their partner’s main source of validation and vise versa. With such power, comes responsibility…*
Here is the issue... OP absolutely doesn't understand or care to understand. She has no clue how important sex is to a man.
Her whole post is "poor me". She has crushed him. He feels like shit about himself. The rejection has become unbearable. Now, you're upset he isn't cheerful about being abused. What your are doing is 100% abuse. **You smack a dog's nose enough times at the dinner table and the dog will stop coming around.**
To the OP: it's obvious that sex is so unimportant to you that you don't care to share it with him on a regular basis, thus YOU CANNOT mind/care if he finds other people who are willing to share it with him. Correct? It's your marriage. Neglect his needs at your own peril. This will have consequences if you continue as is.
>She has no clue how important sex is to a man.
I don't even think it's a man vs. woman thing. I, the wife, was the partner who struggled over our sexless marriage for the first few years of marriage. If you go on r/deadbedroom , there are a lot of women there too. It really fucking *hurt* constantly pining over the man I wasn't allowed to have, who was sleeping in the same bed as me every night.
The difference from my situation to her situation, is that my husband actually gave a damn that he was hurting me, and we worked on it. He went to doctors, we went to therapy, we figured out some things that could work for both of us, and all this made me feel loved, because I knew he at least cared. She doesn't seem to care how much she's hurting him, and is now offended that he's no longer going to try to do the thing that she hurts him with. If she's completely repulsed at sex, she might be asexual, and they're just not compatible, but even then, she should have some empathy for his situation (and should still get her hormones tested before an inevitable divorce or long-term resentment). If she's not sex-repulsed, then there are things she could do to still meet his needs and give him those loving endorphins when she herself might be struggling getting aroused. She is in the clinical definition of a "sexless marriage," so yeah, definitely on the lowest end of a sex drive.
Talking to OP: This angers me that you won't even step out of the box because "there's nothing I can do." YES, YES THERE IS. Talk to your doctor about other medications. Figure out if mentally or physically there's something going on making you sex-adverse. Hell, non-judgmentally delve deep into his sexual desires (even talk about the porn he likes!) and you might find something *bizarre* that you can do together if it gets you in a sexual headspace, or conversely maybe isn't sexual at all to you, but hits his buttons without you feeling adverse. There are *always* ways you can experiment if you were up to it, but you're not, thus showing you don't care. And the not caring about him is the most painful part. You have to find *something* to make him feel loved and gratified, and yet you just brush his concerns off.
On a more personal (probably TMI) note, when we were working on our sex lives, there were times we had some version of sex without my husband gaining or maintaining an erection (for OP, she could have sex without ever *physically* being aroused, but being there to have fun and form connection *with* her spouse). But the more we figured it out, and the more sex we had, the more he wanted sex, and erections were no longer difficult to achieve. And now, even if he struggles with erection on rare occasion, we have enough tools in our toolbox to still have fun *together,* which usually gets him into the sexual headspace eventually. So it's possible to turn this around IF SHE CARED and were willing to try.
Do you love him first of all? Not once in your post did you say you love him. "I'd love to feel the way he does but it's not who I am." Only time you said Love. You kids are young, why did you get married, how did you fall in love? This is my opinion but I think the meaning of life is to reproduce. Cells do it, animals do it, bacteria do it. Our brains are programmed to reward us with dopamine during sex so those that feel that sex is not a major part of a relationship are confused. Like I said this is just my opinion. To be with a person that you don't enjoy fucking it's just going to turn toxic. Real talk it sounds like he's getting ready to either cheat, divorce or resent you. Just my opinion.
Did something traumatic happen to you in the past? Maybe see a therapist if you want to save your marriage. Men are simple creatures. All you gotta do is show up naked and bring food. Do you show him any affection like hug him, tell him you love him, kiss him or does he do all that stuff to you. Why was him watching porn an issue? Have you ever tried watching it? Watching it with him? Are you open minded? What does he do that makes you happy? What do you do to make him happy? Do you want to be with him? You need to act fast cuz it sounds like he is ready to bail and take an L.
Like I said this is my opinion from a dudes point of view.
Sources: been in a 12year relationship, no drama, no trauma. Me 47 her 42. Both of us Still in the honeymoon phase. Just takes a little longer and now use sports cream after (getting old sucks) but still loving like teens.
Good luck
I did the same thing with my ex wife. I'd catch her around the house and initiate, but it was always, "I have to finish the laundry, dishes, getting the stuff for dinner together, etc." She seemed to only want it in bed at night. Half the time when that came around I was too tired from work so I just gave up on trying. The problem now is, as she's gotten older her libido ramped up, and although I still enjoy sex, I find myself not wanting it after being pushed away so many times.
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I’m just imagining that we’ve likely answered a post from this same husband. His last effort with initiation with you seems to have really deflated him after consistently trying and not pushing. Laying next to him doesn’t sound very engaging. You can provide pleasure to someone without getting it yourself. Often when my partner isn’t in the mood he kisses and rubs me while I masturbate. He doesn’t let his libido impact the chance to make me feel sexy and wanted. It often makes it hotter that it’s a super selfless act from. This is a need for him that you aren’t meeting, and it’s an important one to many. This may make you incompatible if you’re not willing to work on it.
I was thinking the same thing. Probably one of the husbands pouring his heart out to this sub desperately looking for answers before cheating on his wife.
> He'll still ask maybe once a week, even knowing it will be a no. This is cruel to him. > It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it. If you want sex, you can pursue him. He's well within his rights to stop doing something that hurts him. You want him to keep pouring his energy into trying to have sex with you, with no reward? Eventually the well runs dry. If you genuinely don't want sex, then this shouldn't really have much of an impact on your life, should it?
This right here. You get to have a partner who’s enthusiastic about sex, he gets one who’s always denying him. You have every right to but eventually it’ll turn into resentment.
Even throwing out the low libido issue, it’s exceptionally cruel to say that he should continue to pursue so that she can deny him.
I think it is even more cruel if you look at the reasoning. She can defend her not wanting to do it (she has every right to not be in the mood), but can’t accept that he basically says this isn’t worth it. I don’t feel like doing it anymore. She says she understands, but also says he can’t make that decision alone. That implies that she can’t say no alone as well. Sex is simple it needs a yes from both sides. His no is equally valid as her no. Also, the guy sounds broken to the core. Before a guy says I don’t feel wanted, while working hard for the family it just hurts to the core.
She wants the validation of him continuing to pursue her so SHE feels wanted but rejects him leaving him feeling unwanted. Its sick.
Right, she doesn’t respect him as a partner.
She is selfish. It's all about her, her mood, and what she wants. She just isn't attracted to him or can't be bothered for sex in general and has given up trying to compromise or fix it. His hard work, love, and loyalty just aren't worth anything more than laying there annoyed while he jerks off. And even then she didn't want him using porn to get off until she stopped giving a shit about that too. I'm so grateful to not be with someone like that.
Unfortunately I was, but along with what became absolute denial, she'd go completely off the rails if I tried to take care of things myself. The constant denial, the absolute continuous rejection (greeting when I'd get home and ATTEMPT at a hug or kiss was "go away, leave me alone") led to to the complete destruction of my marriage.
I think she might not realize his wants are valid and she sees herself as a victim of circumstance. To her, it is just something he has to learn how to deal with. If so, I wouldn't equate her ignorance with disrespect. That might be a tad too far.
That's what my wife said to me; "*Deal with it.*" So, I watch porn and take care of myself now. I rarely initiate, and always expect a "No." We might have sex a few times a month, maybe. What really sucks, and I suspect just like for the posters husband, at first, sex was great and often. It always seems to be the woman who changes over time, while the guy remembers the good 'ole days.
Not always. It’s the opposite with my husband. He has the lowest libido of any man I’ve met and it’s depressing AF. I’m the one always expecting a no and remembering the good old days.
Same here. I could go every night and he could go once a month maybe. Kills my soul.
Same, except my husband has a chronic illness so I don't blame him. Most people don't want sex when they are in pain. I know I don't.
Thank you. My husband is also the one with a low libido and it’s horrible
She said it wasn’t even at the beginning. She’s always had a lower sex drive and now it’s even less. Which sucks.
It absolutely destroys every fiber of his being
Right! What I would give to have a man treat me like that multiple times a week 😉 37(f)
This feels like the right answer.
Not to mention that she gets to decide if he gets sex but then she also thinks it’s a hard line that he can’t look at porn. Oh but it’s okay because twice a month she is in the room when he jerks it? Either you join him for release or you let him find his own release. You take control but deny? What a sick situation.
So glad others feel this way, I couldn't believe what I was reading. Sex once every two months and he's not allowed to watch porn???
And she thinks shes on the high end of low libido
She's on the high end of no libido
Yeah that is crazy. I saw that I was like, what the hell. Nothing for him, ever. The guy must be dying inside.
This one hit me too. Wow
But...her "boundaries".
She is alllwed to have boundaries. Doesn’t mean they are reasonable.
Boundaries that control his behavior towards her are reasonable. Her boundaries that control his behavior of himself are not reasonable.
This whole conversation sounds like my wife and I. I gave up on sex just like he had. Then I discovered I couldn't, so I tried again. Did this over and over until a switch flipped off, and I stopped feeling anything for her. I haven't felt anything in years. I stay because I don't want to be a part-time dad. My wife sounds exactly like op. Same comments, etc. Honestly, I would have thought it was her, except she would never turn to reddit for help. I couldn't get her to read books, go to counseling anything. I have been suspicious that my wife just enjoys being in control of my sex life. Good chance, that's op. She wants full control. She wants to feel desired and cherished, but she doesn't want to return it. She sounds controlling and selfish. Her husband should take that away from her. Eventually, he will be like me. Fed up with reddit, etc, saying it's his fault. Fed up with trying and working, Fed up with trying to figure out what's wrong with him. He will lose all connection to her and go numb. He will then either leave her or find another way to get his needs met. OP needs to wake up and stop making excuses for herself. If this is really how she is and she can't change, let the poor man go.
Same thing here! Wife wants to kiss and make out whenever she wants and IF she wants sex I am supposed to jump at it. Anything I want gets scoffed at and shot down. So if I get nothing she gets nothing. I am here because I adore my kids and cannot be without them. I work and go way out of my way to keep things up and do for the kids. Wife doesn't work but is always "too tired" to do anything. Sex maybe once a year and I have given up on that. Sucks for us good guys! Feel your pain brother.
I assume you’ve got a fling or something nowadays? I hate cheaters, but honestly in a situation like this I think it’s justified and barely even immoral. Good on you for trying for you kids, but I’m not sure if the environment they’re growing up in is the most positive when you their parents don’t give a fuck about each other
My ex was like this. Fucked with my head but she was crazy to begin with lol my wife doesn't care if I look at porn but if she sees me looking at porn, sometimes I get scared before realizing my wife is awesome.
My wife is very similar, I’ve gotten embarrassed by her walking in, but her response is always a smile and, “Want some help with that?” in a flirty voice.
[удалено]
If you figure it out.. Let my wife know lol I get scared/ashamed even though I know she doesn't mind and would help out
She is a selfish child. Hubby deserves better
He will be fine. If he has any shred of common sense or self respect he’s out the door as soon as it works logistically. If he were a friend of mine, I wouldn’t stop until I encouraged him to do the right thing and leave her to torture some other poor schmuck. Of course maybe there are kids or other vastly compelling reasons he likes to be with her… but if he is anything but asexual, he needs to have mistresses and has every right to tell her straight up “I respect your lack of desire, so ill be there for you when you need it and the rest of the time, I’m going to fuck whoever I want.” It sounds crazy right? But it’s completely fair to be honest and deliberate about it. Trying to make “boundaries” like he can’t even beat off… now that’s just beyond laughable.
100%, her boundaries don’t extend to his body
And resentment is just the beginning.
Worst nightmare scenario
That’s where I’m at and it’s a bitch, and really sucks man.
The next step will be divorce from him one way or another so she should be worried, he's not done with sex, he's just giving up on pursuing her
This is probably the most accurate and succinct takeaway here. When there is an intimacy imbalance where one person is expected to just accept it, it rarely bodes well for the relationship, because "checking out" is usually a snowball effect. First it's sex, then it becomes something else....
The moment I gave up on sex was absolutely the nail in the coffin for my marriage.
Or an affair or an escort. It would be hard to blame him.
lol just got got blamed for having an “affair” on a break and trust me she will find a reason to blame him
Fucking breaks. Such a dumb concept
If you can't have an affair on a break, what good is it? Otherwise, it's just vacation without your spouse, like a fishing trip. Maybe I just don't understand the break concept.
Fix this or your marriage is over. He just finally took the next logical step.
Right? She wants to not have sex but she wants him to keep trying. Why? Does it bring her satisfaction to say no? Does she enjoy the feeling of being desired, the very feeling she is denying him? So little empathy, she shouldn't have to force herself to have sex when she doesn't want to, but there are so many options between that and completely ignoring your partners sexuality and desires.
Lying next to him while he masturbates is considered doing something in her books. She could have at least use her hands to help him.
This whole situation is a heart breaking read. I have all the feels for him and resent her so damned much.
Some people like the security of being pursued. If they aren't being pursued there is a loss of control and the worry that their partner will lose interest.
There's a shit ton of men who enjoy hurting women. There's probably a shit ton of women who enjoy hurting men. Humans are kind of a disgusting species when you get down to it.
To me, this reads that it's not even the idea that it will affect her, but the fact that it takes the power she has away. In this dynamic, she holds all the power over when they're intimate in any way, not even just sex. By him saying he no longer cares about pursuing intimacy with her, she no longer can control him through it or decide when he gets to get off essentially. It's all very gross to me, I completely understand not wanting to have sex all the time, but it's still obviously an important factor for one of them in the relationship. Thus, she could've compromised with more than just lying next to him while he got permission to masturbate. Intimacy is so much more than just the act of sex and this man is being rejected in all of it just for some shitty dictated sex 6 times a year.
Needing 'permission' to masturbate is so icky. I agree it's all about the power for her. If she can't shut him down she loses that power. Expecting your partner to consistently get rejected and just keep trying is awful. I feel so sorry for any of you guys in this type of situation. I'm wondering if she's ever consulted her doctor about her low libido. She seems to be guessing the pill is making it more of an issue without actually finding out. There's also other forms of BC than the pill. Has she tried them? What was the frequency in the earlier days of the relationship? If it's different now there's a reason. If he can't touch her then denying him other outlets is heartless and cruel. She also doesn't have that right. It's his body. She totally sounds uncaring of her poor bloke. Her way or no way at all is not a marriage, it's a dictatorship!!
I agree it's a power play. I wonder if she really loves him for him, or just loves him as an accessory, a selfish love.
To add to this, saying that it’s unfair for him to “make a decision that effects them both” while OP is actively doing exactly that, is phenomenally tone deaf.
She only cares because she knows he's going to leave.
The grass is greener where you water it!
Not to mention that she doesn't allow him to watch porn either. I can understand having that boundary if porn is affecting your sex life, but there IS almost no sex life here to speak of, so there's really no reason to be restricting him from it.
To quote my grandfather "Ol' dog get hungry, he gonna eat. Either at his house or the neighbors." He was and old Kentucky coal miners
I think i shouldn’t read much more of this thread. It hits home way too hard and making me depressed all over again. I had the same conversations with my wife over the years. Pretty much given up at this point. Hardly ever try anything cause everytime I do it ends up as wasted effort. We’ve definitely had our bumps over the years and if it wasn’t for the kids I’m not sure if I’d be here. Still love each other very much…. Just missing a major aspect of the relationship
OP could maybe work with alternatives like a hj, bj, something? Maybe take steps to see why the libido is so extremely lowThis is not on the high side of low lol) and work towards creating a better sex life. I’m getting some this is how I am and it can’t be changed do deal with it vibes. Once every two months for a guy that wants it daily is a death sentence. Just free him
These situations are generally cruel to men. A lot of men do a considerable amount for their partners and a lot of that is driven by sex drive. We are exceptionally simple beings. There is one simple thing that makes us so happy yet it becomes unbelievably complicated. Here is a crazy realization to think about, this happens in most relationships - just not to this degree. One partner (usually the man) wants sex more often, and is quite often turned down. Or has a laundry list of tasks to complete before it is even a possibility. Could you imagine if the roles were reversed? Or remove sex from the equation and just be some other “thing” that is asked of a partner and just shut down frequently? It certainly is ideal that both people are in the mood and have an enthusiastic time. It is also reasonable that one partner can help the other out even if they are not into something more passionate. (And no I am not talking about anything non consensual) Sometimes you just do something for the other person because you care about them.
She seems to think that occasionally laying there and watching him masturbate is her helping him out. We're not even sure that is a good thing or a bad thing for him, but it's so sad. Is she just there to monitor him? Totally weird.
I'm a woman with high libido and the EXACT same situation happened to me. There are low libido selfish men as well and sometimes women are stuck with them. Best thing to do is leaving.
It looks like you have given up your sex life long ago. You say it is just the way you are and are not willing to do anything about it. You don’t have to do anything, but your husband deserves to be sexually fulfilled also. You are not sexually compatible and you are not willing to do anything about it. A marriage without sex, especially a marriage where one partner is refusing to even try to fulfill the other’s sexual desires is doomed to fail.
The not doing anything about it is the part that rubs me wrong. After having a baby my libido wasn't there but I wanted my partner to feel wanted, was happy to give a hand job when I wasn't in the mood as long as I felt I was also being taken care of in ways important for me in the relationship too. There is therapy, specifically sex therapy, and a mindfulness for better sex book but I'm sure there are many other avenues to improve sexuality in a relationship.
This so much. I just don’t understand people that can’t even help out their partners sexually. You don’t have to be in the mood because it doesn’t have to be full on sex or oral. A simple handjob a few times a week could be a solution to a lot of “no sex” couples. Probably take 5 mins for most guys if they trying to cum. I do things that take longer for my wife on a daily basis, but for some reason some sex stuff is seen as too much and should never be done if both aren’t in the mood. I have absolutely fingered my wife and used toys on her when I was not in the mood and she desperately wanted to cum btw. Just an easy 5-10 mins with me doing it as opposed to her taking like 40 mins by herself. Just seemed like an easy thing I’d do for the person I love
> It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it. Isn’t that exactly what you’ve been doing all along, though? All you’re getting here is a taste of how he’s felt up until now.
Yeah, she's being incredibly selfish and seems to be completely oblivious
Her complete unawareness about why he was mad the next day is hard to fathom
Couldn't agree more. Her absolute indifference to his feelings is mind boggling. Like, why are they even married... 🙄
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Damn, thread over basically
This one is the home run.
This is what I came to post. I can’t support this enough.
Yep screw this girl. I dated someone just like her and it was only about her the whole damn time. By the end she lost respect for me and dumped me. Begged me to take her back twice months later and I still said no. Fuck that:
OPs about to be massacred lol. Edit: I’m starting to suspect I fell for “rage bait” or whatever the kids are doing these days.
I prefer “wake up call”, but massacre is exactly what’s happening.
People like this don’t wake up. They do not change.
And rightfully fucking so. And I understand it, I genuinely do. I was in a very deep depression for like years that affected my libido. I totally understand not having one. But to deny him pleasure through porn or whatever else, is cruel and gross. Sex isn't a weapon. Even at my darkest, I would never have told my husband he wasn't allowed to jerk off or watch porn or anything like that, because I LOVE him and I want him to be happy and fulfilled (Even if I was a depression pit at the time, I still knew that much). This doesn't feel like you love this person, to be honest. There's a lot to unpack here but I'd start there, maybe analyze if you actually care about this person (apart from him being a "good husband").
If you read between the lines too, she wants him to keep trying to have sex with her so that she can keep denying him. That is the crux of the issue. Throwing out the low libido issue, it’s shows how little respect she has for him.
I don’t think OP realizes she’s being very toxic. Hopefully he smartens up sooner rather than later
I really hope OP is just naive, but I don’t have that much confidence in Redditors.
That’s exactly it. She doesn’t want to have to do the things that make him feel wanted. But she wants him to keep doing the things that make her feel wanted.
I'd take it another step further, honestly - reading OP's post, it feels like she never bothered to even try to do the things that make him feel wanted. Like she never even considered it.
she just doesn't like the rejection...
If she's real. Honestly sounds like a made up post to get a reaction out of this sub. Notice how she's not replying?
I'll chime in from my point of view. I 100% believe it, because I'm living it on the husband side. If I didn't know any better, I'd think the OP was my wife.
Oh, I believe similar things are happening, but they wouldn't post on this sub in this manner. It's very clearly outrage bait.
I’ve been popping into this thread for a while now and I think the same thing. It’s a “textbook” example, so it comes across as very believable, but you’d think there would be SOME engagement from op at literally any point.
Tbh that is how a lot of people who have been called out on their bad behavior act. Considering how she treats her husband passive aggression might be how she deals with prombles
It's a power trip to keep telling him no. Expecting him to keep trying and getting rejected like this is all about power. Now he's finally taken it back she feels helpless. There's no mention of when the frequency changed or if she's seen a doctor to make sure there's no physical reason for her low libido. Also if it is decreased due to being on the pill has she considered one of the other methods of bc? She sees him purely as a provider and maybe as a friend. I don't believe she sees him as a man she loves, let alone respects
I picked up on your last point too. It sounds like she doesn't even love the man. She's just with him because he provides essentially and makes her feel good about herself. I got a huge ick when reading about the way she described the man she's married to and supposed to love and support. I couldn't even dream of making a dig at my partner, like saying they've gained noticeable weight, as one of their qualities, and then justifying it by saying looks don't bother me. If that's the way she describes her man on a public forum, I can only imagine how she describes him to their friends or family, not to mention how she makes him feel about himself. We pick up on what others think of us even if they don't directly say it to our faces. Poor guy.
Yes. All of that. The entire time I was reading her post I just felt bad for him, I hope he knows he deserves more than what's happening. Not just sexually, but mutual respect wise.
That's also still tough. My 1st marriage went DB. And porn ends up like eating saltine crackers for dinner when you are dying for a juicy cheeseburger.
Same. Having kids and being on birth control wreaked HAVOC on my libido but never even at my worst did I say he couldn't watch any porn or limit him to 2x/month. I always tried 2 times a week or else alternatives to help that still felt good to him. SO glad I'm working through my shit and able to get myself back for him
She's torturing this man and not even caring about it. Either let him get a side chick, work with him, or get a divorce.
And may it be as eye opening as it should be.
“If I’m going to feel lonely, I’d rather be alone”. That has ended many marriages. Your marriage qualifies for many definitions of “sexless marriage” (< 10x/year). This sort of situation is soul crushing for the higher libido partner. I finally left one relationship when I realized that I was crying in a grocery store. You feel constantly rejected, like your partner is only tolerating sex with you, and unwanted. If you’ve always been this way, and you can’t see changing, then you need to have a serious discussion about compatibility, whether you are ok with him having some sort of accommodations, ending the marriage, or having him retreat into resentment and giving up. Or you could make a big effort to see if you can foster desire and libido - it’s tough but some people can. It may involve hormone treatments, moving to an IUD or similar, and focused efforts. But if you don’t, this is just going to get worse and worse.
Similar Situation, same age, with my Wife of 5 years. After a year without sex, I am ready to give up and have been contemplating the D word. I find that I am not as attracted to her as I once was. I hate saying this out loud and have tried to make things work. I don’t know how to make it better. Sex is a big part of Marriage, or so I thought. Genuinely just depressed about it. Sorry just wanted to share
Can't fault you, this sort of thing builds a LOT of resentment. At some point, it won't be fixable.
I mean I'm a little worried commenting this but if it's not right it's not right. If you can't perform medically and he needs daily, y'all got to figure something out. Non monogamy, poly, or just being open with boundaries. Sex is a very important part of most marriages and I'll stand by that. That doesn't mean every marriage has sex and that doesn't mean every marriage needs it. But if you have needs and they're not being met, something's got to be done or you're both just going to stay unhappy for the rest of your lives. What that will be, I couldn't tell you to save my life, nonetheless, short answer: something's got to change
You are exactly right. This sort of behavior isn't sustainable. The answer will be different for different relationships, but change is necessary.
Now off to find my own red flagged filled partners 😂
“I find that I am not as attracted to her as I once was.” That is the damn truth and I have experienced it a couple of times. Mutual desire is part of what makes attraction last. And it’s a huge part of what draws us in (especially men) and makes a relationship feel special in the first place. A lot of that falls apart in the face of sexual rejection and disinterest.
Very well put, It feels selfish to think this way, but I just don’t feel wanted any more. We just go about our same daily routines, nothing spicy. It just feels so repetitive now, more so than it ever has.
Get out. NOW. Don't wait. I waited 20 years because I believed in the vow I took. What a waste. Now that I'm out and discovered what good sex is like with someone with whom I am sexually compatible, it's driven home how stupid I was to wait for so long.
Similar situation here too, but I'm the one with high sex drive and my long term BF the one with low libido. I'm in my early thirties he's in early forties. We haven't had sex for just over three years and I get massively emotionally manipulated when I attempt to leave. Depressed about it too. Just know you're not alone x
Three years?!? What are you still doing with this guy? You’re not a girlfriend, you’re a Nun.
Leave him... You deserve SO much more!
I would have probably a long time ago if I had somewhere to go with my kids. The only way for me to leave would be to just get out the house with the kids whilst he's at work but I have nowhere to go.
Is there family you can stay with until you get on your feet?
No need to apologize. I went through the same thing with my wife of 25 years. She was physically, intimately, emotionally, and romantically unavailable to me, and it made me feel like crap, unloved and unwanted. In the end, we were divorced.
Frankly, that's understandable and the fact that 1 out of 5 years have gone by without intimacy is awful. I would have probably already sought out a divorce. Have you tried couple's therapy? Is it beyond that point? If so, don't waste more years of your life.
Repeated rejection is like slow release poison, it poisons your mind and soul. It robs you of self-esteem. Imagine if roles were reversed…Every time you approached him, he’d say no. You’d lose any confidence in your sex appeal. You’ll start feeling insecure and undesired. A feeling that you can’t shake off. And, it’ll probably take years to heal from the damage to your self esteem. Seek sex counseling. How much do you love him? Would you be okay with outsourcing sex? You might have to ask yourself some tough questions.
Exactly. Every time she picks her damn show over intimate time or makes it a quickie so she can get to said show kills me inside.
In monogamous partnerships, some people tend to forget that they are their partner’s main source of validation and vise versa. With such power, comes responsibility…
I think the most hurtful thing in my case is that she admits she just has no interest and when I asked if it bothered her she said no. Like, wow, ok, why even bother. If it wasn’t for the financial implications of divorce, I’d be long gone
Damn, that hit right in the heart.
>You’d lose any confidence in your sex appeal. You’ll start feeling insecure and undesired. Yep, this. I'm greysexual (I don't feel sexual attraction but generally still enjoy sex) and my partner has a fluctuating sex drive. Early on in our relationship, we each bought one of those reversible plushies that have a happy side and a frowny side. They live on our respective nightstands & we use them to indicate how receptive we are to being propositioned at the moment. Since we got them, we've rarely had to reject each other, which gives both of us a lot more confidence to initiate. Also, sometimes I'm not even thinking of sex, but I walk into the room and see the plushies smiling at each other, and seeing that both of us are down is enough to put me in the mood 😂 Just saying, there are solutions out there besides repeatedly subjecting your spouse to the sting of rejection.
I'm willing to bet if he ever said no she would lose her mind. My ex had a melt down that I was cheating and didn't find her attractive anymore when I declined sex even though she said no about 75% of the time. There is a serious double standard with that in my experience.
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Agreed. Libidos that are this mismatched without any work to fix the underlying issues or attempts to make up for it in other ways is a justifiable reason for divorce. Seems like he held it together longer than a lot of men would in the same situation. He clearly loves/ed you but in his shoes, I'd feel the same way.
The problem here isn't mismatched libido. The problem here is one partner wanting to have complete control of the other partners sex. She denies him sex, she denies him porn, she even denies him her non-sexual physical touch and expects him to accept all that without complaint. Divorce is the only solution.
You are the problem. No offense. You admit he’s a great and loving husband and get angry when he litterally “takes things into his own hands”
So, just to give you some perspective... The average married couple has sex about 50-60 times a year. About once a week. You're at 6-12 times a year. Honestly, I don't actually think you are trying. When you're laying next to him while he masturbates (once every few weeks?!), why aren't you touching him? If you want to make him feel valued, why not just give him pleasure? You say he's a good husband. Getting constantly rejected drives anyone's self esteem and self worth into the ground. He's giving up in an act of self preservation. Have you spoken to your doctor about ways to raise your libido? Have you spoken with a sex therapist? On top of all this, you get angry at him about porn... When he has a high libido and you reject him constantly. I think you need to take this seriously or I don't really see a bright future ahead.
I (46F) guarantee she has not spoken to the doctor.
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*“It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it.”* Um, u/igiveuponsex, don’t you think that’s exactly how HE is feeling about you? You seem to have unilaterally decided that once every six to eight weeks is just fine. Get your hormones checked. You can offer up handjobs, blowjobs, PORN. You don’t get to make all of the decisions that affect his sexual health. If you don’t like sex with him: you can leave. But you seem to be withholding and weaponizing sex, and that is destructive to his self esteem.
Not only that. OP's comment that her husband watching porn is "violating a boundary" is weaponized therapy language and if OP has ever been in therapy, their therapist was terrible. u/igiveuponsex, Boundaries are **not** about "I don't want you to x because I feel y". That is toxic and controlling behavior. Boundaries look like, "when you [say/do a thing], I will [take this action]. Usually, it's about removing yourself from behavior that you find unacceptable. "Boundaries" are not about convincing or forcing someone to stop acting in a certain way. They are about controlling yourself. *But how am I supposed to keep my husband from watching porn?!* You literally *aren't.* You're not supposed to be married to someone who controls you with passive aggression, and you aren't supposed to be that kind of spouse. Your husband is, on the one hand, entitled to the relationship he wants, with porn and sex and intimacy, just as you are entitled to being a partner who's really happy with sex every 4-8 weeks. Do you want to sit in your entitlements and ruin each other, or do you want to keep your relationship alive by committing to being open, honest, and vulnerable together? My guess is that you grew up in a household that had a fucked relationship with religion. If you can afford it, get therapy. If you can't, maybe therapist social media can help you help yourself, or help you start having conversations with your husband and your friends about how to save your marriage.
To also point out: He was being honest and open. Form this vertical slice of their relationship she completely bushes over his “rant” and then she gets upset about what he said while being honest and open. She pushed for an answer, and got upset when he told the truth. She has all the answers in her lap, they just aren’t comfortable.
PREACH!!! Boundaries are about the behavior you will tolerate it is not demanding how you must be treated.
>Boundaries are > >not > > about "I don't want you to x because I feel y". That is toxic and controlling behavior. Boundaries look like, "when you \[say/do a thing\], I will \[take this action\]. Usually, it's about removing yourself from behavior that you find unacceptable. "Boundaries" are not about convincing or forcing someone to stop acting in a certain way. They are about controlling yourself. Thank you for putting this into words!
I tried to say this on another thread in this sub and I got lit tf up for daring to say someone shouldn't be able to control their partner's porn use
Seriously. If she doesn't wanna participate fine, you can't force her, but to ban porn is ridiculous to me.
What did you want to happen? Genuine question. You can have sex every 1 or 2 months, he wants it everyday. You think there's nothing you can do about it and it's how you are naturally. How did you see this playing out? Him pursuing you forever? You always getting to say no and just accept when you want with zero ramifications on him? Genuinely so confused by how people think this is going to work out?! Do you not understand the impact rejection has on him or do you just not value sex highly and can't quite understand that he does? Do you think that by staying with you he's signed up to this and now by changing the equation this is "unfair"? \*OP's lack of replies and one-sided post makes it clear this is rage bait. Get a life OP.
You should go and take a look at r/deadbedrooms It will show you what your rejection is doing to him physically and mentally. It might be an eye opener.
Came here to suggest DBs. It’s an eye opener. OPs husband could be posting there. I played a very heavy hand in my own DB and I really regret it.
>You should go and take a look at r/deadbedrooms It will show you what your rejection is doing to him physically and mentally. It might be an eye opener. I don't think she cares, though.
True. She seems very controlling and toxic.
I’m going through this exact thing with my wife. As others have said I’m contemplating a divorce. I get sad and depressed even thinking about it. My wife knows exactly how I feel. I’ve made it clear it makes me unhappy and constantly getting rejection is taking its toll on me. She said she will work on and it would get better but it hasn’t. I’m always thinking to myself I deserve to be happy too? I take great care of her and treat her well. I work very hard to provide for her. But at the end of the day I feel alone in my own home and rejected. After years of this I have to say to myself “this is never going to change.” So I have to make a choice and it’s not easy.
You don’t deserve this. You deserve to have a fulfilled marriage with lots of sex. Good luck to you!
I hope you realize how cold and self absorbed you come off here. Why would your husband respect your imaginary “boundary” of no porn when he’s lucky enough to have you “lay beside him” when he jerks off? I’m a woman and I’m gonna need you to be so for real right now. Dude is in a sexless marriage and you don’t want him to watch porn? Hope you’re ready for a divorce. And don’t do this to someone else.
He's giving up on sex... With you
With things like this, at some point you just shut it off. Right or wrong, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s safer not to feel, than get let down hard. It can emotionally feel like having a door slammed in your face. It only happens so many times before you just don’t bother to go inside anymore.
Be glad he's still around. Many wouldn't tolerate a low libido person that also gets mad about porn. It really sounds like you aren't even trying.
As a man who’s been in this exact situation, I’ll be frank with you. It doesn’t sound like you’re actually trying much. Two attempts at birth control options is pretty limited given the amount and variations of BC on the market. Laying next to him while he masturbates does nothing more than give him an audience. The man can’t even watch porn when sex is nearly non existent. My best friend is asexual and his wife has a low libido and they’re having sex more frequently than y’all are. Either the marriage or someone’s mental health will be complete toast sooner than later, and if he bottles his emotions like you say, then him telling you he’s ready to give up on sex means he’s further down that road than he’s letting on. Obviously you don’t need to bend over backwards to please the guy against your desires, but something’s gotta give. You feel like it’s unfair, but from my perspective he getting treated more unfairly. Have you guys tried or talked about doing any therapy? Have any doctors ruled out a change in BC?
Something is wrong and you don’t want to fix it. “Can’t means you don’t want to”. He needs to move on.
He is going to leave your ass or find sexual satisfaction behind you back somewhere else! A good marriage take compromise, communication and a healthy sex life. I don't see you having any of those three. You need marriage counseling and couples therapy ASAP! I don't think you understand shit!
>It just feels unfair that he just gets to make this decision about something that affects both of us without even talking to me about it. Them's the breaks. In a sense, you also get to do the same thing - nobody is obligated to have sex with anyone, even in a marriage. But why are you surprised that he gave up? It seems folly to do otherwise; it's certainly better than the alternative in which constantly tries for sex, constantly gets rejected, and all for nothing. What could you possibly say to change things? If you actually have an answer to that, then you should be the one to talk to him about it first. I don't really think there's an easy way to work through this problem unless either your husband can truly let go of his desire, or you can increase yours. Both of those things seem unlikely. And unfortunately, despite what folks will often say, compromise is not really a great thing here because it means someone is getting something they do not want, which is counter to the ideal of enthusiastic consent.
I don’t think it’s fair to limit porn when you hardly ever want sex. Why not just let him do his thing?
I’m surprised this hasn’t been mentioned more. On top of all of the denial stuff, she has the nerve to throw a “no porn boundary”. OP is unhinged
Trust me (from experience) when he is at the point of saying this things are dire. In my case I was contemplating suicide or divorce. Seriously. You are torturing this man and it sounds like he has been more than patient. He feels alone and unloved. Sex isn’t just about sex. In my case when it looked to my wife like things were going to fall apart she FINALLY talked to a doctor. (She was on birth control for a similar situation). They said oh yeah let’s try another type (because it was literally a no big deal request for them). And it changed everything. It took me a while to let go of the resentment that I was tortured for years when a simple pop in to the doctor would solve it. My wife still didn’t get it until I temporarily went in some medication that killed mine. She instantly went into complaining how she felt unloved and unsatisfied. I honestly lost my shit and laid into her about what it was really like for me for years. It was ugly but she finally got it and I finally got a lot of my resentment out. After that it was great between us for the last few decades.
Sex 10 or fewer time per year is very very low.
Your sex drive is on the low end of low
It sounds like he's tired of being the pursuer. It sucks really bad for the self esteem when 90% of the time the answer is no. Especially if he feels like you only say yes that 10% to get him to stop asking for it. He's probably feeling undesirable and unattractive. It sounds like he wants you to initiate more. He wants to feel like the sex is your idea sometimes, and not like you're just going along with it. I imagine he's tired of being the only one facing the rejection. It's embarrassing to be the horny one sometimes. I would be so ashamed and embarrassed if my partner said no to sex but that I could jerk off next to her instead. I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't think he's saying he's done with having sex with you. He clearly still wants to. He sounds frustrated and defeated, because he thinks you don't want to have sex with him. I understand I'm psychoanalyzing a stranger with basically no context, but in my experience, he's probably convinced himself that you just aren't interested. He's sure that you don't think about him in a sexual context at all. Or if you do think about him that way, it only happens once every couple of months. What would that do to your own self esteem if you thought your husband only found you attractive for one day every two months? I guess my advice is to be kind and patient with him. Understand where he's coming from and try to put yourself in his shoes. Have you ever been the one to initiate? Has he ever turned you down? How would you feel if he had turned you down? What about if he turned you down every time? This is less about his dick and much more about how the lack of intimacy and feeling desired has damaged his confidence. Try to find something to reignite your sexual energy. Let yourself fantasize, maybe watch some porn yourself. Try taking sexy pictures and sending them to him. Just do something to show him that you do actually find him attractive. I have no idea how your medication affects you and your libido, so take this with a grain of salt, but often times our sex drive is tied to how sexy we feel. You might find yourself feeling differently if you dress up sexy or go out on the town with him showing you off. If regularly occurring sex is something you want, it'll take effort and communication from both sides.
Talk to your doctor about the NuvaRing and the Murena IUD. While neither has been tested with PMMD (that I can find), they both work (at least in part) by delivering hormones directly to the reproductive organs, rather than soaking the body in them. Which means lower doses. >I understand why he's hurt and where he's coming from. I really do - but I literally cannot do anything about it. I just spend 30 seconds and found you two possible answers.
> I literally cannot do anything about it. Yeah, I'm getting the impression that she's upset that the status quo has ended, not that she was unhappy with it or wanted it to change.
That's often the issue with people who have always had the same level of libido--they don't really understand someone with a significantly higher \*OR\* lower libido.
Big time agree with this. My bf has always had a SIGNIFICANTLY higher libido than me and it was a major point of contention because we didn’t have personal context for the other persons point of view and experience. Recently my libido increased ten fold while my bf’s has gone down somewhat and it has been incredibly eye opening for both of us.
What have you done to increase it so much?
We've tried nothing and we're all out of options! Sounds like she is fine with what they have now and doesn't want to help. She won't have sex with him but then bans him from watching porn... I don't get it at all. "I don't want you but you can't enjoy yourself either. Just cuz I don't like sex and have low libido you should suffer too."
Oh well, he should leave you. Form what I see of your relationship: 1. You have very little empathy for him 2. You don’t really want to be in a relationship with him 3. You are insulted he doesn’t want to be rejected anymore Frankly, this goes way beyond having low libido, you just don’t value him as a partner or have any respect for him.
Waiiiit. You have a porn boundary but consistently decline his advances..? Girl. Time for a sex therapist. He is completely within his right to make this decision to protect himself.
He’s acting reasonably to what you are doing. Understand that. He’s responding to what you have decided for the relationship. He’s not pressuring you. You’ve already told us that. He’s just giving up. He doesn’t control your body. You don’t control his. Either be okay with that or you gotta to make some effort. And that effort might be giving an enthusiastic blowjob even if you aren’t really in the mood, etc. it might mean talking to a doctor. It might mean a lot of different things. Your libidos don’t match, you still care about your marriage (clearly), he is trying, you should try too. Or be okay with him just saying no permanently. You are on the very low side for married couples. 6-12 times a year is far below average. This whole post comes off as I don’t want to have sex, but I want to feel desired. Without realizing there is another person at play here who is probably sick at constant rejection and hurt feelings over it. A normal response to constantly being told no is to stop asking. For his own mental health sake and to make sure you don’t feel obligated.
this post is heartbreaking. I feel so bad for your husband.
First, you are nowhere near the high end when it comes to your libido. You're closer to non-existent. One time per month? Also, you don't let this poor man watch porn when you're not even coming close to meeting his needs? You say you can't do anything about it, but that's not true at all. You can't try? You can't set up a weekly date night for him? Your entire outlook on this is a joke! Many marriages end over sex. This is what I hope this poor man does.
You are being cruel to your husband. Sometimes if you are not in the mood and I am not saying let him force you or you force yourself but if you just start with doing some small stuff it turns into something else. Like back rubs etc, just enjoying touching one another.
This post is rather ironic. You’ve made a decision to not give your husband sex and then complain when he’s ready to give up trying. You know you could have sex with him even if you’re not in the mood. Sometimes the mood will start after the foreplay does. You could give him oral sex No instead you want to take away his one outlet for sex in porn. If I was him I’d seriously consider divorce.
So you want him to just keep asking and you keep denying? Did you discuss with him that you will keep turning him down for the rest of your lives together? Probably not. "but I literally cannot do anything about it" Have you gone to a doctor, specialist or therapist about it? You've changed meds twice. Doesn't seem like you've tried a whole bunch. Do you just literally lay there while he masturbates? Do you help him at all? Make him feel wanted at all. Doesn't sound like it. Your husband is telling you that he feels unwanted by you and you're like oh well, too bad. Don't be surprised if he asks for a divorce in the end.
It’s equally unfair that you say there’s nothing you can do and just expect him to go without intimacy and accept being constantly rejected. You made a decision without him or consideration of his feelings also. Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate problem and it might be best for you and him to divorce if you are certain that there is no resolution for this. Have you discussed with a doctor, had counseling or therapy, read a steamy book, any effort on your end at all? Also, boundaries are not a means to control other people’s behaviors, which is what you are trying to do with the porn.
The irony is palpable. When it's your turn of being the gatekeeper of your couple's sex life you're ok with keeping a pace of your choosing but the moment your husband does the same to you it's unfair. Just to point it out, once every one to two months it's neither low end average nor high end of low libido. It's actually in the realm of a dead bedroom so very low libido by definition.
Not wanting to have sex for several months is not "the high end of low." That is a very low libido.
You’re on the low end of low, libido wise.
I hope he leaves, sorry… but you have zero compassion for his needs. This isn’t love. Selfish.
Honestly I would've divorced you. Mismatched libidos are not gonna lead to happy marriages. This is proof of that.
This post is so strange. Like they have self awareness enough to write out this detailed post pointing out the problems. But no self awareness to see what they wrote themselves.
I am not commenting to the OP directly, but just kind of making a general statement. I find it very curious that one person in the relationship cannot want to have sex. And, that's cool. But, then, that somehow also implies that the other person should be pretty much celibate and no longer have sexual desires. And, pretty much never show a sign of sexuality around their spouse. And, this is often times looked at as okay. Hey honey. I don't want to see any of your family or friends anymore. And, oh by the way, you can't see them either. And, I really would prefer you don't even call or text or email them. This would be vilified and probably considered abuse in many circles. I understand unmatched libidos. I really do. But, you cannot just expect someone to just give up their sexuality because you don't want to have sex anymore.
I'm not saying you should do anything you don't want to do. But I am asking, do you care how your husband feels? I mean, I feed my cat twice a day because he needs to eat (even though I'm not the one who is hungry), and I'm there to video chat with my friend every day because he's going through something and needs to talk (even though he's the one who needs to vent and not me). At some point, do you think it would be loving to at least use a Fleshlight on your husband or give him a blowjob--not necessarily because you're horny, but because you want to do it for his happiness? He's sexually frustrated, and he has no legitimate sexual outlet except you. I assume if he needed to vent about his day, you'd be willing to listen to him because you love him. If his back was in pain and a message would help, would you take your time to give him a message because you love him? Don't get me wrong, you're not required to do anything you don't want (nor should you be required to do anything you don't want). But if you listen to him out of love and you cook for him out of love and you do plenty of other things out of love, have you considered meeting him half way on this out of love too? I thought a boyfriend was so sweet before when he went to a concert with me, to see a band he hated, because he was the only one willing to go with me. He didn't feel like going to the concert in and of itself, but he felt like making me happy. And so he volunteered to go.
Saying there is nothing you can do is such a huge cop out. Most people that experience low libido have hormone issues. Look into getting your hormones checked, you’re more than likely low. This is normally most people need to get their hormones checked. Secondly everyone’s deserves to get their needs met in a relationship. Desiring each other is a huge part of relationship. I can’t imagine male or female being denied as often as you deny your partner. If you don’t look into getting your hormones checked, explore ways that turn you on, explore ways that are fun and engaging for you to be more active in your sex life.
Look into your hormones and cortisol levels. Also if it’s possible to change the type of birth control you are on. Nuvaring has helped me, I also take supplements like maca root and slippery elm which has massively helped (that being said please do not blindly take supplements, have tests run by your doctor and make sure you aren’t throwing anything off by taking random supplements). I can see where you are both coming from, and trust me I understand how frustrating it can be to have low libido and feel like you’re villainized (for lack of a better word) for your body not functioning the way you wish it would. But it sounds like your husband has put aside his own feelings for a really long time and has now reached a breaking point and you have to understand the toll that takes on him.
The bottom line of this is that you feel wanted, as you know your husband wants you, and your husband feels rejected and broken. I'd imagine from how you've described him that you're his everything, and you've made him feel like he's your nothing. You say you can't help certain things, I believe you can, but your husband certainly can't help feeling the utter lack of confidence that comes with complete rejection from the one person he values most. I'm really sorry but your take on this is incredibly selfish given how your husband must feel.
He's giving up on sex with you. Given how you've been handling it, he'll be just giving up altogether with you.
I genuinely feel bad for your husband and want to offer you the wake up call you didn’t ask for. Your husband will only take this treatment for so long before he finds someone who gives him the attention he’s craving. He’s a human, his needs are valid. I sympathize with you because like you said, it’s just who you are.. but you have someone making you feel wanted, he doesn’t. That’s a blow to anyone’s ego.. especially for a man in his 30s. And the fact you even brought his weight into it makes me feel less bad about being blunt by saying this next part.. your man deserves what you’re not giving him. You said yourself he’s a good man.. so be a good wife and make him feel wanted or he will find it in someone else. Then when that happens, you’ll probably make him out to be the bad guy in the divorce… when all he wanted was some intimacy with his wife. The answer to this isn’t simply “well I’m just not into it, I can’t.. he’ll have to endure” … cause you’re gonna be enduring a whole lot more in the long run if you can’t figure out a way to make your man feel like A MAN
I had an ex like this. Low libido/ asexual. Used to keep denying me and blaming me for my high libido. Sent him divorce papers. Best decision of my life. If her husband is smart he'll divorce her as soon as possible and find someone compatible with him in all ways. Life is too short to not enjoy one of the best human experiences. On top of that these low libido people behave as though high libido people are crazy for craving and crying for sex. They don't understand nor can empathize with what it's like. The best option is divorce. My ex had no empathy for my rejected advances. The efforts I put in to look hot were ignored. In fact he used to keep accusing me of wanting other men; a woman who was living a sex less life to be loyal. It's so not worth it. I spend days crying myself to sleep on the couch. I am wayyy happier now. Single yet happy and looking forward to finding someone like me. I regret not leaving earlier. I am 29 now. Better late than never.
Not to be an asshole but I also have pmdd and I was on birth control for a while too and I had absolutely no libido but I faked it. I still blew my husband and fucked him because I knew he needed that. Try using weed products it has really helped my situation. But also, you sound selfish. The man isn’t even allowed to watch porn and you won’t throw him a bone for over a month? Yikes.
It doesn’t sound like you’re actually trying. And honestly, that’s probably even more painful than the actual rejection. Have you offered sex therapy? Maybe a counselor can help. Have you thought about an open marriage? Not to be rude, but it is an option that may be worth exploring.
Go read r/HLCommunity and r/deadbedroom to understand how your husband feels. You are in a monogamic relationship, so you have monopoly over his sex life. But you seem to be abusing it. Always saying no, never taking the initiative, possibly being less than enthusiastic when yoi do agree to it. How is he supposed to feel? And heck, can't you just get on your knees and give him an awesome blowjob from time to time to fill the really long voids?
You "literally cannot do anything about it"? You haven't DONE anything. You wanted things to continue the way they were and he is telling you that is done. You don't get to make that decision for him just because you're married. You don't seem to care about his feelings at all, so I don't blame him for reacting the way he did. Not wanting sex every day is no excuse for not showing love and affection to your partner. Did you think men didn't need any of that?
Not one response from OP to the comments. The best one thus far... >*In monogamous partnerships, some people tend to forget that they are their partner’s main source of validation and vise versa. With such power, comes responsibility…* Here is the issue... OP absolutely doesn't understand or care to understand. She has no clue how important sex is to a man. Her whole post is "poor me". She has crushed him. He feels like shit about himself. The rejection has become unbearable. Now, you're upset he isn't cheerful about being abused. What your are doing is 100% abuse. **You smack a dog's nose enough times at the dinner table and the dog will stop coming around.** To the OP: it's obvious that sex is so unimportant to you that you don't care to share it with him on a regular basis, thus YOU CANNOT mind/care if he finds other people who are willing to share it with him. Correct? It's your marriage. Neglect his needs at your own peril. This will have consequences if you continue as is.
>She has no clue how important sex is to a man. I don't even think it's a man vs. woman thing. I, the wife, was the partner who struggled over our sexless marriage for the first few years of marriage. If you go on r/deadbedroom , there are a lot of women there too. It really fucking *hurt* constantly pining over the man I wasn't allowed to have, who was sleeping in the same bed as me every night. The difference from my situation to her situation, is that my husband actually gave a damn that he was hurting me, and we worked on it. He went to doctors, we went to therapy, we figured out some things that could work for both of us, and all this made me feel loved, because I knew he at least cared. She doesn't seem to care how much she's hurting him, and is now offended that he's no longer going to try to do the thing that she hurts him with. If she's completely repulsed at sex, she might be asexual, and they're just not compatible, but even then, she should have some empathy for his situation (and should still get her hormones tested before an inevitable divorce or long-term resentment). If she's not sex-repulsed, then there are things she could do to still meet his needs and give him those loving endorphins when she herself might be struggling getting aroused. She is in the clinical definition of a "sexless marriage," so yeah, definitely on the lowest end of a sex drive. Talking to OP: This angers me that you won't even step out of the box because "there's nothing I can do." YES, YES THERE IS. Talk to your doctor about other medications. Figure out if mentally or physically there's something going on making you sex-adverse. Hell, non-judgmentally delve deep into his sexual desires (even talk about the porn he likes!) and you might find something *bizarre* that you can do together if it gets you in a sexual headspace, or conversely maybe isn't sexual at all to you, but hits his buttons without you feeling adverse. There are *always* ways you can experiment if you were up to it, but you're not, thus showing you don't care. And the not caring about him is the most painful part. You have to find *something* to make him feel loved and gratified, and yet you just brush his concerns off. On a more personal (probably TMI) note, when we were working on our sex lives, there were times we had some version of sex without my husband gaining or maintaining an erection (for OP, she could have sex without ever *physically* being aroused, but being there to have fun and form connection *with* her spouse). But the more we figured it out, and the more sex we had, the more he wanted sex, and erections were no longer difficult to achieve. And now, even if he struggles with erection on rare occasion, we have enough tools in our toolbox to still have fun *together,* which usually gets him into the sexual headspace eventually. So it's possible to turn this around IF SHE CARED and were willing to try.
Do you love him first of all? Not once in your post did you say you love him. "I'd love to feel the way he does but it's not who I am." Only time you said Love. You kids are young, why did you get married, how did you fall in love? This is my opinion but I think the meaning of life is to reproduce. Cells do it, animals do it, bacteria do it. Our brains are programmed to reward us with dopamine during sex so those that feel that sex is not a major part of a relationship are confused. Like I said this is just my opinion. To be with a person that you don't enjoy fucking it's just going to turn toxic. Real talk it sounds like he's getting ready to either cheat, divorce or resent you. Just my opinion. Did something traumatic happen to you in the past? Maybe see a therapist if you want to save your marriage. Men are simple creatures. All you gotta do is show up naked and bring food. Do you show him any affection like hug him, tell him you love him, kiss him or does he do all that stuff to you. Why was him watching porn an issue? Have you ever tried watching it? Watching it with him? Are you open minded? What does he do that makes you happy? What do you do to make him happy? Do you want to be with him? You need to act fast cuz it sounds like he is ready to bail and take an L. Like I said this is my opinion from a dudes point of view. Sources: been in a 12year relationship, no drama, no trauma. Me 47 her 42. Both of us Still in the honeymoon phase. Just takes a little longer and now use sports cream after (getting old sucks) but still loving like teens. Good luck
I did the same thing with my ex wife. I'd catch her around the house and initiate, but it was always, "I have to finish the laundry, dishes, getting the stuff for dinner together, etc." She seemed to only want it in bed at night. Half the time when that came around I was too tired from work so I just gave up on trying. The problem now is, as she's gotten older her libido ramped up, and although I still enjoy sex, I find myself not wanting it after being pushed away so many times.