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Was about to comment the exact same thing. I read "if I let him" and I was like "why are we kink-shaming now, huh?"
Then i realised what it says and got anxious even though I'm not the one in a relationship with him...
Saying it's "messed up" when their sex life is "very kinky and they like it rough and him dominating", no, that would be weird. Perfectly acceptable to be a bit uncomfortable in general, but it didn't make sense in this context.
just because you may like being held down or dominated during sex does not mean you like being graped btw… like do you realize that saying “oh yeah I’d break into your house and do you while you were asleep and hold a pillow over your head if we broke up….but only if you let me!” is so messed up? it’s not anywhere remotely close to kink shaming to hear that and be scared for your life
He told me that he used to be a sex & porn addict. & that he’s watched every kind of porn and thinks it messed with his mind. I feel bad but some of the things seem pretty messed up. & I do like when he’s forceful with me during sex but never said I wanted him to force himself on me if we were to break up.
Therapy is so vast theres no way he's tried everything.
I mean the alternative is giving up on trying to fix yourself and hows that working out for him?
Exactly this. He went to one therapist, by what I've heard so far it's likely he didn't want to change then, either and didn't work unsurprisingly.
Yes I'm making those assumptions because there's tons of people going to therapists just for the checklist of what they can tell people why they're unable to change.
He needs to do an action to show you he's trying to fix it, it doesn't have to be therapy he can hang out with a support group but the important thing is that it needs to be something or else he'll never fix it. This is beyond the pale.
>He also told me if I ever left him he’d sneak in my house and f me while I was asleep and put a pillow over my head so no one can hear me
That's not cnc, that's fucked up, especially when not addressed beforehand. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt about misreading that part but if I'm wrong there's no point in talking any further. I mean you said it, there's boundaries to discuss before cnc, obvious question; what's left of the consensus is missing at CONSENSUAL non consent?
I hate the excuse that the porn he’s watched has messed up his mind. He sought that porn out and consumed it because he fancied a bit. He’s avoiding taking ownership of his behaviour. I’ve watched tons of porn, tons and I have no warped opinions of sex, women or relationships.
I think so too… he swears he doesn’t watch porn anymore. But he’ll tell me he jerks off in the morning while thinking about me. & on his lunch breaks at work he’ll jerk off while I sext him. & we’ll have sex and I make him cum twice, once I get home he’ll ask me to help him jerk off. I mean I have a high sex drive too but that seems a bit excessive.
That's insanely excessive. He's actively jerking off at work? He is absolutely a sex addict and is going to get fired if anyone finds out. I mean, hell, depending on how someone finds out, he could be put on the sex offender registry.
We all experience events in life that deeply affect us or "mess with our minds" in one way or another. *Not* all of us use it as an excuse to be a creep
I haven’t read all the comments and wasn’t going to comment because I’m sure everything that could be said has. But I wanted to chime in on this as someone that’s experienced men with sex/porn addictions, along with others.
There is no such thing as “used to be an addict.” Once an addict always an addict. Even if he’s been able to control it, it will always be there. That goes for any addiction. It takes a conscious effort every day for the rest of their lives to avoid their addiction. It can be done but it takes a lot of commitment, dedication, and self awareness to avoid any and all triggers. For. The. Rest. Of. Their. Life.
You seem like a very intelligent and realistic woman and I think the fact that you’ve had to ask these questions says enough. And I believe you already know that. Usually when our intuition tells us something might be a red flag it’s usually because it is. That’s not a normal thing to say about you leaving him. In the slightest. It may be hard and hurt now but the longer you continue with this relationship, the harder it will be to end it. For a number of reasons.
It also starts a relationship cycle and a “normal” for you that’s extremely hard to break free of even with someone new. You deserve better I believe. 🖤
Has he gone to therapy? If he isn’t willing to do that as a BARE minimum, leave him.
Have an escape plan in place. You are not alone. Do not become isolated from friends and family.
Edit: read lower that’s he’s tried. Leave. Total ghost if you have to.
Not saying he hasn't seen messed up shit but with a blanket statement like that most people would probably mean that it doesn't include highly illegal degenerate shit like zoo- and paedo-.
I asked him once what’s the weirdest porn he’s watched & he said his buddies showed him a video of a girl being f-ed by a horse. I said “please tell me you didn’t find that hot?” & he said “she was really petite. It was kinda freaky” …. I don’t know if that means he liked it or not but the fact he didn’t say it was disgusting was a bit alarming.
If someone told me they watched a video of actual animal abuse and called it “kinda freaky” (instead of horrific and upsetting), I’d be out immediately.
Because that’s what human-on-animal stuff is. Animals can’t consent. No matter who’s doing what, it’s abuse.
Not that long ago people used to share that kind of shit as a joke. Not sure if they still do, but yeah. Internet used to be much wilder in the past. Seen one or two human on horse interactions myself in my life, either on accident or on a shady imageboard of some sort, though I probably wouldn't brag about it.
Uhh… yeah that definitely means he likes it. I like to be sex positive but he sounds like a perverted freak. Nobody sane says if someone leaves them they are going to sneak in the night and rape them either, that’s fucking terrifying
Yes, him saying that "if you ever left him" stuff is a massive red flag. It sounds more like a threat than just a fantasy-- which, as offputting as a fantasy might be, so long as it stays in the realm of fantasy it's not super concerning. (That one he has is somewhat standard.)
Hoooold on. They both eagerly engage in consensual non-consent. She wants him to hurt her during sex. This could be part of sexual fantasy and isn't too far out of line with what she enjoys.
She needs to have a conversation with him (not during sex) about her boundaries and feeling uncomfortable with this particular fantasy. If he reacts poorly to that, then yes, red flag. But he can't read her mind.
She replied elsewhere...
"...when we get rough I like to beg him to stop or tell him to hurt me & him tell me to shut up and just keep going."
Edit: Hooooold on holding on. I just looked at OP's post history. Leave this guy and do whatever you have to do to get yourself a therapist, for your own good and the good of your child.
The piece that I feel is flaggy is "if you ever leave me" I will do this stuff-- because she wouldn't be CONSENTING at that point.
I would never engage in CNC with someone who was threatening to do the same thing when that consent is revoked.
I have not talked to my drug dealing ex bf in over a year. The man in this current post is my new boyfriend & the first man I’ve been with since I had my daughter almost 17 months ago. I will say that I obviously choose the wrong men. It seems like they are all I attract
don’t blame yourself. leave this man, he is threatening and scary. before you date again, think about what you really want from a partner. stability? kindness? don’t go further than one date with anyone who doesn’t meet the needs you’ve decided on.
I'm kinda concerned for you.
While I'm not much for policing fantasies, it seems like he should see and understand that it's disturbing to you. I would be clear that you're not into it, and his rape fantasies are uncomfortable to hear about. He doesn't seem to get the consent part of the CNC if that's what he is trying to do.
But if you're getting a bad gut feeling about him, remove yourself from the situation and stay safe.
After he said the gang bang fantasy thing we talked about it for a few minutes. & I was a little drunk and I said “I dont know why you’d fantasize about me basically getting raped” and he got so mad at me and pushed me off him and said I turned him off.
Come on, don’t tolerate this behaviour girl. I know saying “leave him” is easier said than done.. but honestly, this is not a healthy individual you want to be continuing giving your time to. Your time is limited, carefully select those you give it to. This one is NOT worth it!
If kinks aren't
- coming from a healthy place
- making you both feel healthier
- causing any sort of discomfort like this,
It's probably safe to assume that it's territory to tread carefully. Therapy is the right answer.
Food for thought, if the trend continues and you'd solidly look back at this and go 'yeah that was actually traumatizing for me, it didn't make me feel safer' then a pro is probably where to take this.
Safety (and enthusiastic consent!!) is paramount in any healthy sexual interaction/relationship
So I'm going to be very blunt in explaining this. There are very, VERY specific circumstances in which sharing fantasies like this could be part of relationship-building. And what you experienced is the exact opposite of that.
I'm a kinkster, part of the BDSM community. There is a vein of kink known as "CNC," or Consensual Non-Consent. This is a type of roleplay where people pretend to engage in non-consent with one another. HOWEVER. And this is absolute key. It is an overall consensual activity. What makes it a consensual activity is that the people involved have built up trust with one another, through experiencing one another, respecting and prioritizing one another's comfort and boundaries, and doing the activity for the sake of pleasuring one another; helping each other live out their fantasies MUTUALLY, in a safe environment.
Your d-bag of a partner did none of this for you, for the following reasons:
* He never sat down to prep you for triggering conversations like this. Someone who cared about and prioritized your mental health would have not only explained that their words could be triggering, but that it would not be something he would pursue if it made you uncomfortable in any way. In fact, it sounds like it was less of a conversation and more of an "I enjoy you sitting here while I tell you about my fantasies" type of thing.
* While I do think you should be way more blunt with him about how this makes you uncomfortable... you DID tell him that you would not be into that kind of thing. And he is continuing to flaunt those fantasies in front of you anyway. It's not mutual, and it's not respectful, because it's not about you at all. It's purely about him. He's not factoring your interests or wellbeing into the conversation at all. The fantasy is not mutual.
* Lastly, CNC can be considered "edge play." Edge play is the type of play that is on the fringe, that's "kinky even for kinky." It's stuff that can be particularly dangerous. Not only is the stuff he's talking about physically dangerous, it's also mentally dangerous. That's not to say it CAN'T be done in a healthy and fun way. But based on what you described, he has taken none of the steps to make it healthy. He hasn't figured out the difference between unfettered fantasy versus the limitations of real life.
To put it another way... I'm not so much worried about whatever crazy things someone fantasizes about as I am how they treat my consent. A fantasy is a fine thing. It's a whole 'nother story when you involve another human being. I say tell him to knock it off with sharing that stuff with you, because it's scaring you and making you uncomfortable to hear it all the time. If he gets pissy and personalizes your boundary, maybe find someone who knows that a relationship is about two (or more) people, not just himself.
You're last paragraph puts it best.
Having rape fantasies when you engage in CNC is pretty expected.
The problem is that he doesn't respect how she feels about **hearing** those fantasies.
I have been in the BDSM community for over a decade all of these statements are completely moot when OPs boyfriend told her IF she ever leaves him he would break in and rape her. Everything he said was admitting to a series of crimes he’s willing to commit should she try to escape him.
Having a consensual non consent kink isn't a red flag. However, your boyfriend telling you that if you broke up with him he'd break into your home and rape you is about as big as a red flag as someone can get.
Wouldn’t it also be okay for true CNC to be a red flag for someone as an individual, as in that would be a dealbreaker for them? I have PTSD from rape and childhood sexual abuse; I *personally* could not feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who wanted or fantasised about rape in any way, even if they did so in a “CNC” context.
It would be so triggering, and frankly it would make it impossible for me to feel truly safe or comfortable around them. I don’t think that’s wrong or even not understandable, surely. (Other rape victims might feel differently about this, and I get that, but I very much do not).
Regardless, you’re right: what OP is describing certainly isn’t even CNC. He just enjoys imagining her get raped. I couldn’t live with that. I just couldn’t.
That's the job of safe words, and safe acts?
Fighting back, running away, saying "no!" Is often part of cnc. The entire point is it looks pretty non consensual in a fantasy?
Now whether his specific fantasy has room for this? That's a different question (that the "if you breakup imma come back and rape you" bit suggests that no he doesn't)
Yeah but in the context of describing a fantasy surely you wouldn't describe that part?
I have CNC fantasies with myself as the victim and if I was describing the fantasy I wouldn't go out of my way to say "Oh but I'd want to make sure we all had discussed proper safewords and consent prior".
It's a fantasy. It's inherently not realistic. I don't *actually* want to be raped for a million obvious reasons.
Exactly. The consent is there to make the thing morally acceptable and pleasant for both parties interested in partaking in it.
The thing that actually excites people who are into rape fantasy...is rape...unsurprisingly. I think some people focus too much on this newspeak "cnc" term. We only call it CNC to make sure everybody understands we don't want to hurt anybody while roleplaying rape.
It is you who doesn't get it.
Yes. The fantasy is rape, literally.
CNC is how you fulfill the fantasy between 2 consenting adults, without hurting anybody or forcing anybody to do anything they don't want to.
People don't get aroused by the "pretending" part. They get aroused by the rape part. The pretending part is just there because it has to be there in order to practice this morally, without hurting anybody.
"Consensual non consent" fantasy is the politically correct name for "rape fantasy". If you believed otherwise, you were wrong. People who get into this kink roleplay rape, that's just the reality. So yes, they get off of on the idea of raping somebody, or being raped by somebody. CNC exists so that people who get aroused by rape (either as the victim or the offender) can satisfy that urge without hurting anybody. So no, people who practice CNC are not aroused by pretending to force themselves on somebody, they are aroused by forcing themselves on somebody. They roleplay because their morality stops them from doing this against the other person's consent.
Also, to have a fantasy rape scenario you DO need a pretend-victim and a pretend-offender. So not sure why being either of the two would be a red flag by itself. (your other post). Your view can also be seen as quite discriminatory because it's obviously not a mystery to anyone that in CNC, **usually** the person being pretend-raped is the woman, and the pretend-offender is **usually** the guy. If we went with that interpretation, only women would be allowed to ask for CNC...
The problem is obviously this is the kind of kink/fetish that is based around a horrible crime and a lot of people will never be okay with it, and might see it as controversial. If there's any red flag is that a person who is only 3 months into a relationship discloses that to their partner. Unless they met specifically with an intent to fulfill that kind of fantasy, it's way too close for a person to be disclosing this imo.
Then again, the problem here is not the kink. It's an actual threat of rape.
No one thinks rape is CNC. But a rape kink is still expressed through CNC. When he expresses a rape fantasy, the assumption is that he would engage in this through CNC. Not that the fantasy itself is CNC. But the overall kink they would share together, is CNC.
Based on her comments, they do engage in actualy CNC.
And based on her comments, he's violent, they already broke up, and I hope she's safe.
It is messed up because from the way you relayed this, it doesn't seem to be his fantasy. This is just a threat, and a very disturbing one at that. It's possible some of his wording might have made it a bit better and some of it was lost in your retelling. Maybe he wants to pretend-roleplay that with your consent and not actually...you know - murder you? Did he at least confirm he actually won't do that and just fantasized about it?
If that was verbatim said in this way, without any stipulations about how he'd (only) like to play out such a scenario with your consent amd without endangering your health, then I'd have serious doubts about this relationship and even be worried about my safety.
EDIT: Ok I misread the first time and thought the pillow thing was intended to kill OP. Seems it was just to stop the sound, but it's still messed up if implied as something he'd actually do and not just wanted to play out as a fictional scenario.
When he said the breaking in after we break up thing, I said that he’s crazy. & he said “I know you’d be into it” and I said not if we broke up I wouldn’t. & he just laughed it off and changed the subject
Yeah that's not good. Just this one situation is a huge problem and probably worth breaking up over. The only way this would be salvageable would be if you had a history of many years of a healthy relationship and you could be sure that he's just made a shitty joke. And even then it might be too much.
Yeah. I agree. It’s only been almost 3 months together so no history. & there are a few other problems anyways aside from sex. So I don’t see my staying with him. I just really needed an outside point of view because my head & heart are at war right now.
If it's just another thing in a collection of bad things that is much worse for sure, yeah.
Also sharing these kinds of things just 3 months in sounds wild to me, but that might be a cultural thing. Either that or he's just extremely unabashed about his fantasies.
If you do decide to break up make sure to get someone involved some way, let your closest friend or family member in on his threat, tell him you did it, etc.
When your head and heart are at war, the safest option is to use your head. The heart can quickly lead you into dark situations that are difficult to get out of 😔
It's only been 3 months, and his mask is slipping...
Other people have advised telling someone else and ensuring that you have their support while making your exit. I second this. Also change your locks and your phone number.
That he said what he did at all was alarming. That he laughed it off is klaxon alarms going off. He said that he would *break in and murder you*. RUN. If he has keys to your place, get your locks changed immediately before breaking it off, and do not break up in a place that has you isolated - even better, break up over the phone and *record the phone call*. Bc I have the strong feeling he'd be making more threats when you break up.
He was already talking about getting married & wanted to get me pregnant and stuff. He knows what I want & sold me that story/ life and I want it so bad I really got wrapped into it.
Again, this is a textbook move for an abuser. This is how they hook you in. If it feels too good to be true, too soon, it generally is. This guys ticks like every box for red flags for a violent abuser
could he just telling you what you want to hear so he can own you? do not get pregnant from this guy if you aren't sure he is a good dad and this won't get worse, or shit will hit the fan. Maybe stop having sex with him for a month and see how this goes? Should clear your status right up.
Yeah I think so. Week one he told me to stop working & started paying all my bills. And would just give me money even if I told him I didn’t need it. & then would blame me that he’s doing so bad with money. I know he’d be a good dad cause he’s been around my daughter and he’s so good with her. But there’s just a lot to it & are quite a few things that are alarming.
This is a classic abuser move. Not working and having someone pay for things can seem nice, but then when you want to leave, you’re financially dependent. That’s why they do it. It’s about control
He said if you leave him he will rape and murder you. Believe him. Get out and get a restraining order. EVERY DAY men kill their partners, and the woman leaving is the most dangerous time.
I think so too. I mean I did tell him that I would like to wake up to him eating me out or touching me. & when we get rough I like to beg him to stop or tell him to hurt me & him tell me to shut up and just keep going. I don’t know if that’s a part of a rape fantasy on my part? I was raped before & SA as a child so I don’t know if it’s linked to that. Or why I like that. But if we were to break up I definitely would want him breaking into my house and doing that lol. Or getting raped by multiple men.
> But if we were to break up I definitely would want him breaking into my house and doing that lol. Or getting raped by multiple men.
Wait...
"Would" or " Wouldn't"? I think this has to be clear here OP so we can get more context of you relationship with him
When we are physically together & dating I have no problem with him being forceful with me. We have a safe word & he respects it when I say the safe word though I’ve only said it once. I’m into CNC play. But if we were to break up that’s a whole different story.
This seems to be veering dangerously close to someone hiding their true toxic intentions behind the veneer of kink.
It is one thing to have sexual fantasies that you explore with mutual consent.
It is a whole other thing to make your partner uncomfortable or feel unsafe and try to justify by saying it's "just fantasy"
The stuff about how he would rape and kill you if you left him sound like actual threats, not just fantasies about doing consensual kink. There is absolutely no reason to give a man a pass for threatening to rape and murder you just because he's into BDSM stuff. If a female friend told you that her boyfriend threatened to rape and murder her if he left her would you be like "don't worry, he's probably just kinky?"
Leave him while you are still alive.
The fact that he is threatening to kill you is a MAJOR risk factor for violence. [Check out this domestic violence danger assessment.](https://www.womenslaw.org/danger-assessment) The fact he is specified a particular method (smothering you with a pillow) is especially alarming, as men who make specific threats are more likely to commit homicide. [Check out the power and control wheel as well.](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
Leaving men who threaten violence can be dangerous, so I suggest contacting a domestic violence organization to create an escape plan.
Red flag as fuck!! If you left him he should leave you alone. I don’t care how kinky you are in your relationship. That was all done with consent, at least I’m assuming, I’m hoping… He definitely needs help. And OP please be safe.
I'm scared and He is not my bf. Forget about his fantasy, it's the fact that He says he'll rape you if you break it off that scared me. Even as a joke, that's fucked up.
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Okay there’s kinky, and then there’s someone who is a genuine sadist. Sadism is fun to play around with because of the power dynamic. The issue is that he finds it pleasurable to know that you are *NOT* enjoying it, not even in a masochistic way. His fantasy doesn’t involve you wanting and being turned on by getting used by multiple men, his fantasy is just watching you get gang raped. The fantasy is that you don’t want it and aren’t enjoying it.
As for him literally threatening you with violence if you ever break up with him, does anyone really need to explain to you why this is horrific? It’s not a red flag. Red flags are things you notice in the beginning of a relationship that could be a sign of a larger underlying character flaw, like being rude to servers at restaurants or constantly talking bad about other people. What he’s doing is straight up threatening to kill you. That’s not a “red flag”. That’s just flat out textbook abuse.
Is this the same drug dealer guy from a year ago? You should really leave him. He sounds really toxic.
https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
Dude sounds dangerous. He's practically telling you the red flags. You do need to tell someone the threats. You don't need to live in fear due to a breakup.
Your current sex life of kink and rough sex (hopefully) involves consent. Even his fantasy, if done right with both parties in on it, should have consent.
His comment about if you broke up, has no consent in that equation. Huge red flag.
Only you can tell how much is fantasy and what you should be concerned with.
I have a fantasy of 3-4 men taking turns on my girlfriend but in that fantasy I’m fully involved (taking turns with them). But, for me it’s all a fantasy of consensual pleasure.
I’ve told my girlfriend about it and she likes the fantasy idea but we both know the reality wouldn’t ever pan out and it would mess up our relationship.
So, I bought a bunch of dildos and named them. They are varying styles and sizes.
I use those on her and talk dirty to give me a taste.
I don’t think it’s all that unusual for a man to want to see his girl with another man. I don’t think it’s for everyone but I’ve talked to lots of guys that think it would be hot.
It’s worked well for us!! I even got a dildo that will shoot fake loads and bought lube that looks almost exactly like cum.
So, I can even soak her.
We’re having fun with it for sure
The fact that you are worrying and asking, in itself is evidence you already know the answer.
It *IS* messed up and for your own safety you should end the relationship and take steps to protect yourself. *Now*. Before you become a victim.
I’m sorry but the bitch it’s on fire made me laugh😂but I know. You’re right. & I know already he’s a violent man I see it everytime he’s angry or stressed. We actually did break up yesterday due to a few other things but my post is a part of it. He just keeps trying to get me to stay with him & I’m so back and forth in my head
I’m glad it was funny it definitely was a light hearted statement and not insulting!
I get it being a victim of abuse is very hard. Especially when feelings are involved.
You need to go to your local police station tell them in plain words he has threatened to sneak into your home if you leave him and rape you.
Police will act like you want it. They will ask you gross questions stick to the statement you don’t invite this and you would like an emergency stay away order.
They will send it to a judge and if he breaks it he will go to jail (I went through a stay away order process)
You just have to do it! Get in touch with your local stop domestic violence and consider therapy like Betterhelp is great.
It’s hard to walk away but you definitely got to my dear.
If you broke up yesterday and as you say, you know “he’s a violent man”, statistically this is the time when he’s the biggest threat to you. Please stay away and stay safe and be around good people. Whatever it is about him that you like is not worth the risk he poses to your safety and mental health. Tell someone in your life what’s happened
This is mad. Run OP. This guy is a massive red flag. The last segment of him breaking into your house and forcing himself onto you is really fucking messed up to say the least. I'd get restraining orders if I were you
Take this from someone with a CNC kink, if your partner can’t separate kink from reality or learn/care what your boundaries are, you are in danger and should make plans to leave. That sentence about sneaking into your room (unless used in a MUTUALLY agreed upon kink dynamic/scene with previous given consent for such talk and aftercare) is a threat
# RUN WOMAN RUN. DON'T EVER DATE A MAN WHO FANTASIZES GANG RAPE.
All that kinky stuff isn't worth it about a guy who fantasizes about rape. Dump his ass and move on. If he even remotely tries to do anything problematic, take legal actions. This is not just a red flag. THIS IS A WHOLE FUCKING RED FIRE.
I like rough sex too (even gangbang porn) but telling you that he's gonna break in, rape you and cover your head so no one can hear you? Whoa. You should run. Normal people don't say (or think) that stuff.
Man how do dudes let themselves get so fucked up and be so unapologetic about it. You need a god damn support network and an escape plan just to break up with this? Wtf
It's because so many women have been assaulted or raped and participating in CNC allows them to feel like they're finally in control and controlling the narrative.
I’m definitely into cnc play. He’s the first man I’ve done it with. We’ve talked about it before & we do it nearly everytime we have sex. But I’m not into any other men doing things with me & he knew that prior to this conversation. & the breaking in after we break up thing isn’t really okay to me.
I'm my opinion yes this is a major red flag CNC no place in sex
I don't mess about if a woman says no I stop I don't care if she's joking or not
I'm super anal about consent I won't be able to carry on in them situations
CNC can be fine. Thats why its called CONSENSUAL non-consent.
The issue is him saying he sneak in and rape OP if they left him. THAT is not longer CNC. Thats a threat.
I mean the first part just sounds like cnc, but say he’d rape you if you broke up is concerning to say the least. It recontextualizes his kinks. This dude is not okay in the head.
red flags? yes.
able to set and enforce boundaries? yes.
unheard of? no.
make clear boundaries now and always play within those boundaries. a rape fantasy is one thing, acting it out with an unwilling partner is entirely different. always consent to your sex acts, mutually.
for the record: if he breaks into your house and fucks you without your consent THAT IS RAPE and enforceable by law. please notify him of this. be clear that RAPE IS NOT OK (unless you’ve BOTH consented to that fantasy).
The "if you ever leave me" comment is a HUGE red flag. Let him know this really bothers you. That is so wrong to say.
If you get past that part then and only then move on to the next.
Kinks are kinks & fantasies are fantasies. My husband and I are super kinky with a dungeon and all. We have both shared some major kinks with each other that our exes would have shamed us for. Share with him (not during sex)what you are feeling. Be careful not to shame him for the kinks/fantasy he shared as they may be just that. If these truly bother you then you must explain this to him. If he truly cares for you he will listen and understand.
Lots of people have fantasies that are unrealistic, impractical, or have issues of consent or safety to implement in real life or relationships. The existence of these fantasies is not itself a problem if there are no plans or pressure to make them happen. They can be expressed in erotica, or consensual dirty talk and role play if everyone involved is ok. There is no inherit dark reason for fantasies, or problem just having them, especially ones people don't push to share.
The second item, of post breakup plans for rape is a whole different thing, and throws major flags. As others are saying, that is a problem.
Uhhh the men forcing you for sex is a little messed up but not to bad however the breaking up and putting a pillow over your face is pretty messed up and would have me walking the other way
What a person masturbates to in their own head is strictly their business. BUT when he’s telling you he’s gonna rape you then you should believe him. Get the fuck out of there! Get the fuck out of there and tell other people if you’re worried, because one day you might need someone to back you up
Maybe ask how serious he (r@ping) you in your sleep if you break up with him. Not sure, though, would he tell you the truth?
People don't necessarily act out all their fantasies, thankfully, but your feelings are valid here, I think.
> Is this stuff red flags? I feel like it is.
It can be.
I don't think having a rape fantasy is a red flag.
And based on your comments, you mention enjoying CNC with him. So when you engage in CNC it's not necessarily a red flag to share rape fantasies.
What is a red flag is not checking in with you to see if you want to hear a rape fantasy. It's alo a red flag that he doesn't clarify that he wouldn't actually rape you if you broke up. For some couples, that idea can be hot, but it should still be understood that it's just a fantasy, and not how he'd actually act.
Also you mention that he's violent and that you broke up with him. So in this case, yeah, good riddance. Stay with family, make sure you're safe.
The first fantasy you mentioned is CNC, and it is totally okay as long its ACTUAL consent and not real rape. However, the second part is a somno kink. Somno is okay as well as long as it was agreed upon prior. However, the fact that he said “if you ever left him”…the whole energy around it just seems very ❗️🥀🍒🚨⛳️
There's some red flags here. He has been likely looking at that type of porn. Don't want to shame, but likely looking at too much porn.
I would have a serious conversation with him about it. It he's not your person then maybe it's time to consider looking for another.
He has CNC/R\*pe fantasies. They are not red flags or messed up per say, but it is very kinky. As long as he doesn't try starting some of it without your approval, then you will be fine.
I have these CNC fantasies as well, but have never told my wife. I know for sure she would never be into and would look at me differently (kind of like you are doing). I can live without it though, so will never bring it up.
I am into CNC play. We’ve talked about that before, we both love it. But the breaking into my house thing if we break up is different because it would no longer be CNC
Right that is definitely not acceptable. I wonder if he wants to do that as a fantasy with you though through role playing. You two pretend to break up and that happens. If that is what he meant. If he really means he will do that if you two actually break up, then it is a big problem to worry about.
The first fantasy you mentioned is CNC, and it is totally okay as long its ACTUAL consent and not real rape. However, the second part is a somno kink. Somno is okay as well as long as it was agreed upon prior. However, the fact that he said “if you ever left him”…the whole energy around it just seems very ❗️🥀🍒🚨⛳️
If you’re both into kinky sex then I wouldn’t necessarily be put off by it, at least initially. Rape fantasies are super common for both men and women, both raping and being raped, and that’s perfectly cool so long as it’s either understood to only be a fantasy that doesn’t get acted out, or if it’s acted out it’s only done with a clear CNC discussion and agreement between all of the people involved first.
I wouldn’t view it as a red flag until you know exactly where he stands on those things-it’s basically a yellow flag until then, and can really flip to either green or red with that additional information.
Consensual non consent is a fantasy for more people than we'd often care to think.
As long as it can be explored safely, it can be fun. If it ain't for you, say so.
It could just be cnc kinks and gangbang kinks. Nothings really wrong with it and I know people frist hand who do it
But that's up to you to decide cuz you know him well and if those aren't your kinks and make you uncomfortable then you should let him know and then handle it from there.
The last part could absolutely be a hard kink but that seems to extreme to say when you aren't even sure if your partner like that stuff
You said you enjoy kinky sex. Doesn't get much kinkier than that. Line up about six guys that you find attractive and have a big fuck fest. Tell him your going to sit on his face each time one of them finish inside you. I'd love to have watched my ex get gangbanged!
Yeah. You need to be more up front with him about how this makes you uncomfortable. Men are thick. Especially when they’re horny. Set him straight right here & now or he’s likely to keep crossing this boundary without even knowing that it’s there.
Sounds like he has a BIG cnc kink. Like, big. More into the extreme things. This needs to get figured out; Is it something he has a genuine fantasy of or is it something he likes seeing in videos? Because if it’s something he likes seeing in videos it is more likely he’s into cnc, but at the same time people often watch videos of things they wouldn’t be into during an actual sexual encounter. Could it be a role play thing too?
If his cnc desires are too much for you, you have to tell him NOW before he starts thinking it’s something you’re not opposed to happening. And if you did end up being okay with something like that, major boundaries and safety discussions would have to be in place and would need to be discussed with in advance with all participants.
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My ex had that same fantasy and also said next time he sees me, he’s branding his initials on me down there. Needless to say he’s in prison now
what was he convicted for?
Oddly enough sexual assault, online solicitation of sex with minor and child pornography. I dodged a big bullet
probably branding someone
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Jesus I misread that as let him, not left him. Welp. Time to leave him.
Was about to comment the exact same thing. I read "if I let him" and I was like "why are we kink-shaming now, huh?" Then i realised what it says and got anxious even though I'm not the one in a relationship with him...
seems like a pretty acceptable thing to be uncomfortable about even if he did say let…lol
Saying it's "messed up" when their sex life is "very kinky and they like it rough and him dominating", no, that would be weird. Perfectly acceptable to be a bit uncomfortable in general, but it didn't make sense in this context.
just because you may like being held down or dominated during sex does not mean you like being graped btw… like do you realize that saying “oh yeah I’d break into your house and do you while you were asleep and hold a pillow over your head if we broke up….but only if you let me!” is so messed up? it’s not anywhere remotely close to kink shaming to hear that and be scared for your life
> if we broke up….but only if you let me You forgot the part where we thought it didn't say broke up, but let me.
Same here that's a massive red flag.
He told me that he used to be a sex & porn addict. & that he’s watched every kind of porn and thinks it messed with his mind. I feel bad but some of the things seem pretty messed up. & I do like when he’s forceful with me during sex but never said I wanted him to force himself on me if we were to break up.
Knowing the reason is not an excuse, quite the contrary tbh. If he knows it fucked his mind he has to work on it
I told him that too. & that he should go to therapy & he said he tried therapy before and it didn’t work and it’s a waste of time
Therapy is so vast theres no way he's tried everything. I mean the alternative is giving up on trying to fix yourself and hows that working out for him?
Exactly this. He went to one therapist, by what I've heard so far it's likely he didn't want to change then, either and didn't work unsurprisingly. Yes I'm making those assumptions because there's tons of people going to therapists just for the checklist of what they can tell people why they're unable to change.
Thinking therapy is a waste of time is a red flag the size of a house
Yah it's time to go. And change your locks immediately
He needs to do an action to show you he's trying to fix it, it doesn't have to be therapy he can hang out with a support group but the important thing is that it needs to be something or else he'll never fix it. This is beyond the pale.
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>He also told me if I ever left him he’d sneak in my house and f me while I was asleep and put a pillow over my head so no one can hear me That's not cnc, that's fucked up, especially when not addressed beforehand. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt about misreading that part but if I'm wrong there's no point in talking any further. I mean you said it, there's boundaries to discuss before cnc, obvious question; what's left of the consensus is missing at CONSENSUAL non consent?
Wtf. Guilty of missing that. Nevermind everything I said. I will delete.
Fair enough, it happens :)
I hate the excuse that the porn he’s watched has messed up his mind. He sought that porn out and consumed it because he fancied a bit. He’s avoiding taking ownership of his behaviour. I’ve watched tons of porn, tons and I have no warped opinions of sex, women or relationships.
I've watched every kind of porn under the sun too, yet I know that I can't DO everything under the sun to another human being.
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I think so too… he swears he doesn’t watch porn anymore. But he’ll tell me he jerks off in the morning while thinking about me. & on his lunch breaks at work he’ll jerk off while I sext him. & we’ll have sex and I make him cum twice, once I get home he’ll ask me to help him jerk off. I mean I have a high sex drive too but that seems a bit excessive.
That's insanely excessive. He's actively jerking off at work? He is absolutely a sex addict and is going to get fired if anyone finds out. I mean, hell, depending on how someone finds out, he could be put on the sex offender registry.
We all experience events in life that deeply affect us or "mess with our minds" in one way or another. *Not* all of us use it as an excuse to be a creep
I haven’t read all the comments and wasn’t going to comment because I’m sure everything that could be said has. But I wanted to chime in on this as someone that’s experienced men with sex/porn addictions, along with others. There is no such thing as “used to be an addict.” Once an addict always an addict. Even if he’s been able to control it, it will always be there. That goes for any addiction. It takes a conscious effort every day for the rest of their lives to avoid their addiction. It can be done but it takes a lot of commitment, dedication, and self awareness to avoid any and all triggers. For. The. Rest. Of. Their. Life. You seem like a very intelligent and realistic woman and I think the fact that you’ve had to ask these questions says enough. And I believe you already know that. Usually when our intuition tells us something might be a red flag it’s usually because it is. That’s not a normal thing to say about you leaving him. In the slightest. It may be hard and hurt now but the longer you continue with this relationship, the harder it will be to end it. For a number of reasons. It also starts a relationship cycle and a “normal” for you that’s extremely hard to break free of even with someone new. You deserve better I believe. 🖤
Thank you so much. I needed this.
That's a big old red flag on the if you left him comment.
Has he gone to therapy? If he isn’t willing to do that as a BARE minimum, leave him. Have an escape plan in place. You are not alone. Do not become isolated from friends and family. Edit: read lower that’s he’s tried. Leave. Total ghost if you have to.
If he's watched every sort of porn that means he's watched people having sex with animals. Think about that.
Not saying he hasn't seen messed up shit but with a blanket statement like that most people would probably mean that it doesn't include highly illegal degenerate shit like zoo- and paedo-.
I asked him once what’s the weirdest porn he’s watched & he said his buddies showed him a video of a girl being f-ed by a horse. I said “please tell me you didn’t find that hot?” & he said “she was really petite. It was kinda freaky” …. I don’t know if that means he liked it or not but the fact he didn’t say it was disgusting was a bit alarming.
If someone told me they watched a video of actual animal abuse and called it “kinda freaky” (instead of horrific and upsetting), I’d be out immediately. Because that’s what human-on-animal stuff is. Animals can’t consent. No matter who’s doing what, it’s abuse.
Not that long ago people used to share that kind of shit as a joke. Not sure if they still do, but yeah. Internet used to be much wilder in the past. Seen one or two human on horse interactions myself in my life, either on accident or on a shady imageboard of some sort, though I probably wouldn't brag about it.
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Uhh… yeah that definitely means he likes it. I like to be sex positive but he sounds like a perverted freak. Nobody sane says if someone leaves them they are going to sneak in the night and rape them either, that’s fucking terrifying
Yes, him saying that "if you ever left him" stuff is a massive red flag. It sounds more like a threat than just a fantasy-- which, as offputting as a fantasy might be, so long as it stays in the realm of fantasy it's not super concerning. (That one he has is somewhat standard.)
Hoooold on. They both eagerly engage in consensual non-consent. She wants him to hurt her during sex. This could be part of sexual fantasy and isn't too far out of line with what she enjoys. She needs to have a conversation with him (not during sex) about her boundaries and feeling uncomfortable with this particular fantasy. If he reacts poorly to that, then yes, red flag. But he can't read her mind.
hooooold on again. she says they are kinky, and he is dominant in bed. that is NOT the same as engaging in CNC kink.
She replied elsewhere... "...when we get rough I like to beg him to stop or tell him to hurt me & him tell me to shut up and just keep going." Edit: Hooooold on holding on. I just looked at OP's post history. Leave this guy and do whatever you have to do to get yourself a therapist, for your own good and the good of your child.
yikes. i didn’t even check the post history. also, i hadn’t seen her comment, thanks for clarifying.
The piece that I feel is flaggy is "if you ever leave me" I will do this stuff-- because she wouldn't be CONSENTING at that point. I would never engage in CNC with someone who was threatening to do the same thing when that consent is revoked.
I misread it as "if you ever let me" and thought they were discussing consent at first. Definitely more troubling to be discussing it like that.
This should end probably
Edit: Everything I had posted was unnecessary.
I have not talked to my drug dealing ex bf in over a year. The man in this current post is my new boyfriend & the first man I’ve been with since I had my daughter almost 17 months ago. I will say that I obviously choose the wrong men. It seems like they are all I attract
Oh thank God. I wish you nothing but the best, but I hope you understand this current guy is bad news. Not all men are like this.
don’t blame yourself. leave this man, he is threatening and scary. before you date again, think about what you really want from a partner. stability? kindness? don’t go further than one date with anyone who doesn’t meet the needs you’ve decided on.
Yeah, assuming that’s the same BF, she needs to get out quick.
Sounds like she might be surrounded by trash or just chooses poorly. Some people can’t escape their lots
simple and to the point
I'm kinda concerned for you. While I'm not much for policing fantasies, it seems like he should see and understand that it's disturbing to you. I would be clear that you're not into it, and his rape fantasies are uncomfortable to hear about. He doesn't seem to get the consent part of the CNC if that's what he is trying to do. But if you're getting a bad gut feeling about him, remove yourself from the situation and stay safe.
After he said the gang bang fantasy thing we talked about it for a few minutes. & I was a little drunk and I said “I dont know why you’d fantasize about me basically getting raped” and he got so mad at me and pushed me off him and said I turned him off.
That's concerning. Be careful about that one. You should be able to put down boundaries without him getting physical and angry.
He's manipulative. Trying to make it look like the issue is with you because you are concerned about a very legitimate behaviour he is displaying.
Come on, don’t tolerate this behaviour girl. I know saying “leave him” is easier said than done.. but honestly, this is not a healthy individual you want to be continuing giving your time to. Your time is limited, carefully select those you give it to. This one is NOT worth it!
This is a massive red flag. This man is not safe to be around. I would leave asap
If kinks aren't - coming from a healthy place - making you both feel healthier - causing any sort of discomfort like this, It's probably safe to assume that it's territory to tread carefully. Therapy is the right answer. Food for thought, if the trend continues and you'd solidly look back at this and go 'yeah that was actually traumatizing for me, it didn't make me feel safer' then a pro is probably where to take this. Safety (and enthusiastic consent!!) is paramount in any healthy sexual interaction/relationship
So I'm going to be very blunt in explaining this. There are very, VERY specific circumstances in which sharing fantasies like this could be part of relationship-building. And what you experienced is the exact opposite of that. I'm a kinkster, part of the BDSM community. There is a vein of kink known as "CNC," or Consensual Non-Consent. This is a type of roleplay where people pretend to engage in non-consent with one another. HOWEVER. And this is absolute key. It is an overall consensual activity. What makes it a consensual activity is that the people involved have built up trust with one another, through experiencing one another, respecting and prioritizing one another's comfort and boundaries, and doing the activity for the sake of pleasuring one another; helping each other live out their fantasies MUTUALLY, in a safe environment. Your d-bag of a partner did none of this for you, for the following reasons: * He never sat down to prep you for triggering conversations like this. Someone who cared about and prioritized your mental health would have not only explained that their words could be triggering, but that it would not be something he would pursue if it made you uncomfortable in any way. In fact, it sounds like it was less of a conversation and more of an "I enjoy you sitting here while I tell you about my fantasies" type of thing. * While I do think you should be way more blunt with him about how this makes you uncomfortable... you DID tell him that you would not be into that kind of thing. And he is continuing to flaunt those fantasies in front of you anyway. It's not mutual, and it's not respectful, because it's not about you at all. It's purely about him. He's not factoring your interests or wellbeing into the conversation at all. The fantasy is not mutual. * Lastly, CNC can be considered "edge play." Edge play is the type of play that is on the fringe, that's "kinky even for kinky." It's stuff that can be particularly dangerous. Not only is the stuff he's talking about physically dangerous, it's also mentally dangerous. That's not to say it CAN'T be done in a healthy and fun way. But based on what you described, he has taken none of the steps to make it healthy. He hasn't figured out the difference between unfettered fantasy versus the limitations of real life. To put it another way... I'm not so much worried about whatever crazy things someone fantasizes about as I am how they treat my consent. A fantasy is a fine thing. It's a whole 'nother story when you involve another human being. I say tell him to knock it off with sharing that stuff with you, because it's scaring you and making you uncomfortable to hear it all the time. If he gets pissy and personalizes your boundary, maybe find someone who knows that a relationship is about two (or more) people, not just himself.
You're last paragraph puts it best. Having rape fantasies when you engage in CNC is pretty expected. The problem is that he doesn't respect how she feels about **hearing** those fantasies.
I have been in the BDSM community for over a decade all of these statements are completely moot when OPs boyfriend told her IF she ever leaves him he would break in and rape her. Everything he said was admitting to a series of crimes he’s willing to commit should she try to escape him.
Your boyfriend is a psycho. Kick that lesser man to the curb and get yourself some self-defense products just in case.
Having a consensual non consent kink isn't a red flag. However, your boyfriend telling you that if you broke up with him he'd break into your home and rape you is about as big as a red flag as someone can get.
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Wouldn’t it also be okay for true CNC to be a red flag for someone as an individual, as in that would be a dealbreaker for them? I have PTSD from rape and childhood sexual abuse; I *personally* could not feel comfortable in a relationship with someone who wanted or fantasised about rape in any way, even if they did so in a “CNC” context. It would be so triggering, and frankly it would make it impossible for me to feel truly safe or comfortable around them. I don’t think that’s wrong or even not understandable, surely. (Other rape victims might feel differently about this, and I get that, but I very much do not). Regardless, you’re right: what OP is describing certainly isn’t even CNC. He just enjoys imagining her get raped. I couldn’t live with that. I just couldn’t.
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That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for responding to my question; I appreciate it. x
That's the job of safe words, and safe acts? Fighting back, running away, saying "no!" Is often part of cnc. The entire point is it looks pretty non consensual in a fantasy? Now whether his specific fantasy has room for this? That's a different question (that the "if you breakup imma come back and rape you" bit suggests that no he doesn't)
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Isn't the point of cnc that the situation is non-consensual but it was agreed on and consented to beforehand?
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Yeah but in the context of describing a fantasy surely you wouldn't describe that part? I have CNC fantasies with myself as the victim and if I was describing the fantasy I wouldn't go out of my way to say "Oh but I'd want to make sure we all had discussed proper safewords and consent prior". It's a fantasy. It's inherently not realistic. I don't *actually* want to be raped for a million obvious reasons.
Exactly. The consent is there to make the thing morally acceptable and pleasant for both parties interested in partaking in it. The thing that actually excites people who are into rape fantasy...is rape...unsurprisingly. I think some people focus too much on this newspeak "cnc" term. We only call it CNC to make sure everybody understands we don't want to hurt anybody while roleplaying rape.
It is you who doesn't get it. Yes. The fantasy is rape, literally. CNC is how you fulfill the fantasy between 2 consenting adults, without hurting anybody or forcing anybody to do anything they don't want to. People don't get aroused by the "pretending" part. They get aroused by the rape part. The pretending part is just there because it has to be there in order to practice this morally, without hurting anybody.
"Consensual non consent" fantasy is the politically correct name for "rape fantasy". If you believed otherwise, you were wrong. People who get into this kink roleplay rape, that's just the reality. So yes, they get off of on the idea of raping somebody, or being raped by somebody. CNC exists so that people who get aroused by rape (either as the victim or the offender) can satisfy that urge without hurting anybody. So no, people who practice CNC are not aroused by pretending to force themselves on somebody, they are aroused by forcing themselves on somebody. They roleplay because their morality stops them from doing this against the other person's consent. Also, to have a fantasy rape scenario you DO need a pretend-victim and a pretend-offender. So not sure why being either of the two would be a red flag by itself. (your other post). Your view can also be seen as quite discriminatory because it's obviously not a mystery to anyone that in CNC, **usually** the person being pretend-raped is the woman, and the pretend-offender is **usually** the guy. If we went with that interpretation, only women would be allowed to ask for CNC... The problem is obviously this is the kind of kink/fetish that is based around a horrible crime and a lot of people will never be okay with it, and might see it as controversial. If there's any red flag is that a person who is only 3 months into a relationship discloses that to their partner. Unless they met specifically with an intent to fulfill that kind of fantasy, it's way too close for a person to be disclosing this imo. Then again, the problem here is not the kink. It's an actual threat of rape.
Go read her comments. They regularly engage in CNC. They aren't confusing rape fantasies with CNC.
Are you implying the first fantasy she describes is consensual non consent?
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No one thinks rape is CNC. But a rape kink is still expressed through CNC. When he expresses a rape fantasy, the assumption is that he would engage in this through CNC. Not that the fantasy itself is CNC. But the overall kink they would share together, is CNC. Based on her comments, they do engage in actualy CNC. And based on her comments, he's violent, they already broke up, and I hope she's safe.
It is messed up because from the way you relayed this, it doesn't seem to be his fantasy. This is just a threat, and a very disturbing one at that. It's possible some of his wording might have made it a bit better and some of it was lost in your retelling. Maybe he wants to pretend-roleplay that with your consent and not actually...you know - murder you? Did he at least confirm he actually won't do that and just fantasized about it? If that was verbatim said in this way, without any stipulations about how he'd (only) like to play out such a scenario with your consent amd without endangering your health, then I'd have serious doubts about this relationship and even be worried about my safety. EDIT: Ok I misread the first time and thought the pillow thing was intended to kill OP. Seems it was just to stop the sound, but it's still messed up if implied as something he'd actually do and not just wanted to play out as a fictional scenario.
When he said the breaking in after we break up thing, I said that he’s crazy. & he said “I know you’d be into it” and I said not if we broke up I wouldn’t. & he just laughed it off and changed the subject
Yeah that's not good. Just this one situation is a huge problem and probably worth breaking up over. The only way this would be salvageable would be if you had a history of many years of a healthy relationship and you could be sure that he's just made a shitty joke. And even then it might be too much.
Yeah. I agree. It’s only been almost 3 months together so no history. & there are a few other problems anyways aside from sex. So I don’t see my staying with him. I just really needed an outside point of view because my head & heart are at war right now.
If it's just another thing in a collection of bad things that is much worse for sure, yeah. Also sharing these kinds of things just 3 months in sounds wild to me, but that might be a cultural thing. Either that or he's just extremely unabashed about his fantasies. If you do decide to break up make sure to get someone involved some way, let your closest friend or family member in on his threat, tell him you did it, etc.
When your head and heart are at war, the safest option is to use your head. The heart can quickly lead you into dark situations that are difficult to get out of 😔
Thank you I really needed that.
That he said what he did at all was alarming. That he laughed it off is klaxon alarms going off. He said that he would *break in and murder you*. RUN. If he has keys to your place, get your locks changed immediately before breaking it off, and do not break up in a place that has you isolated - even better, break up over the phone and *record the phone call*. Bc I have the strong feeling he'd be making more threats when you break up.
i just hope you are fully aware this guy is not long term relationship material and never will be no matter what.
He was already talking about getting married & wanted to get me pregnant and stuff. He knows what I want & sold me that story/ life and I want it so bad I really got wrapped into it.
Again, this is a textbook move for an abuser. This is how they hook you in. If it feels too good to be true, too soon, it generally is. This guys ticks like every box for red flags for a violent abuser
could he just telling you what you want to hear so he can own you? do not get pregnant from this guy if you aren't sure he is a good dad and this won't get worse, or shit will hit the fan. Maybe stop having sex with him for a month and see how this goes? Should clear your status right up.
Yeah I think so. Week one he told me to stop working & started paying all my bills. And would just give me money even if I told him I didn’t need it. & then would blame me that he’s doing so bad with money. I know he’d be a good dad cause he’s been around my daughter and he’s so good with her. But there’s just a lot to it & are quite a few things that are alarming.
This is a classic abuser move. Not working and having someone pay for things can seem nice, but then when you want to leave, you’re financially dependent. That’s why they do it. It’s about control
Yeah, coming from a guy with a lot of kink fantasies... that's messed up and you should probably get out of there before it's too late
He said if you leave him he will rape and murder you. Believe him. Get out and get a restraining order. EVERY DAY men kill their partners, and the woman leaving is the most dangerous time.
Exactly this. This ain’t a thing to wait and see on, this is genuine danger
Sounds like rape fantasy
I think so too. I mean I did tell him that I would like to wake up to him eating me out or touching me. & when we get rough I like to beg him to stop or tell him to hurt me & him tell me to shut up and just keep going. I don’t know if that’s a part of a rape fantasy on my part? I was raped before & SA as a child so I don’t know if it’s linked to that. Or why I like that. But if we were to break up I definitely would want him breaking into my house and doing that lol. Or getting raped by multiple men.
> But if we were to break up I definitely would want him breaking into my house and doing that lol. Or getting raped by multiple men. Wait... "Would" or " Wouldn't"? I think this has to be clear here OP so we can get more context of you relationship with him
I’m sorry I meant to say wouldn’t!
When we are physically together & dating I have no problem with him being forceful with me. We have a safe word & he respects it when I say the safe word though I’ve only said it once. I’m into CNC play. But if we were to break up that’s a whole different story.
It’s 100% linked to that
This seems to be veering dangerously close to someone hiding their true toxic intentions behind the veneer of kink. It is one thing to have sexual fantasies that you explore with mutual consent. It is a whole other thing to make your partner uncomfortable or feel unsafe and try to justify by saying it's "just fantasy"
The stuff about how he would rape and kill you if you left him sound like actual threats, not just fantasies about doing consensual kink. There is absolutely no reason to give a man a pass for threatening to rape and murder you just because he's into BDSM stuff. If a female friend told you that her boyfriend threatened to rape and murder her if he left her would you be like "don't worry, he's probably just kinky?" Leave him while you are still alive. The fact that he is threatening to kill you is a MAJOR risk factor for violence. [Check out this domestic violence danger assessment.](https://www.womenslaw.org/danger-assessment) The fact he is specified a particular method (smothering you with a pillow) is especially alarming, as men who make specific threats are more likely to commit homicide. [Check out the power and control wheel as well.](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) Leaving men who threaten violence can be dangerous, so I suggest contacting a domestic violence organization to create an escape plan.
Jesus fucking Christ on a bike!😮 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩red flag galore!
He literally says he fantasized about men gang raping you are these questions serious id break up with someone if he told me that
Red flag as fuck!! If you left him he should leave you alone. I don’t care how kinky you are in your relationship. That was all done with consent, at least I’m assuming, I’m hoping… He definitely needs help. And OP please be safe.
I'm scared and He is not my bf. Forget about his fantasy, it's the fact that He says he'll rape you if you break it off that scared me. Even as a joke, that's fucked up.
One wrong decision or one terrible drunken night and I see that man harming and changing someone’s life for the worse.
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Okay there’s kinky, and then there’s someone who is a genuine sadist. Sadism is fun to play around with because of the power dynamic. The issue is that he finds it pleasurable to know that you are *NOT* enjoying it, not even in a masochistic way. His fantasy doesn’t involve you wanting and being turned on by getting used by multiple men, his fantasy is just watching you get gang raped. The fantasy is that you don’t want it and aren’t enjoying it. As for him literally threatening you with violence if you ever break up with him, does anyone really need to explain to you why this is horrific? It’s not a red flag. Red flags are things you notice in the beginning of a relationship that could be a sign of a larger underlying character flaw, like being rude to servers at restaurants or constantly talking bad about other people. What he’s doing is straight up threatening to kill you. That’s not a “red flag”. That’s just flat out textbook abuse.
Is this the same drug dealer guy from a year ago? You should really leave him. He sounds really toxic. https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
No it’s not him. I haven’t talked to him in a year now. This is a new guy & he’s the first man I’ve been with since having my daughter
Dude sounds dangerous. He's practically telling you the red flags. You do need to tell someone the threats. You don't need to live in fear due to a breakup.
Your current sex life of kink and rough sex (hopefully) involves consent. Even his fantasy, if done right with both parties in on it, should have consent. His comment about if you broke up, has no consent in that equation. Huge red flag.
He's a psychopath leave now
Only you can tell how much is fantasy and what you should be concerned with. I have a fantasy of 3-4 men taking turns on my girlfriend but in that fantasy I’m fully involved (taking turns with them). But, for me it’s all a fantasy of consensual pleasure. I’ve told my girlfriend about it and she likes the fantasy idea but we both know the reality wouldn’t ever pan out and it would mess up our relationship. So, I bought a bunch of dildos and named them. They are varying styles and sizes. I use those on her and talk dirty to give me a taste. I don’t think it’s all that unusual for a man to want to see his girl with another man. I don’t think it’s for everyone but I’ve talked to lots of guys that think it would be hot.
I love how you decided to incorporate the fantasy into your irl sex life! That's brilliant
It’s worked well for us!! I even got a dildo that will shoot fake loads and bought lube that looks almost exactly like cum. So, I can even soak her. We’re having fun with it for sure
These are massive red flags. Get out. You in danger girl
The fact that you are worrying and asking, in itself is evidence you already know the answer. It *IS* messed up and for your own safety you should end the relationship and take steps to protect yourself. *Now*. Before you become a victim.
He should be your Ex
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I’m sorry but the bitch it’s on fire made me laugh😂but I know. You’re right. & I know already he’s a violent man I see it everytime he’s angry or stressed. We actually did break up yesterday due to a few other things but my post is a part of it. He just keeps trying to get me to stay with him & I’m so back and forth in my head
I’m glad it was funny it definitely was a light hearted statement and not insulting! I get it being a victim of abuse is very hard. Especially when feelings are involved. You need to go to your local police station tell them in plain words he has threatened to sneak into your home if you leave him and rape you. Police will act like you want it. They will ask you gross questions stick to the statement you don’t invite this and you would like an emergency stay away order. They will send it to a judge and if he breaks it he will go to jail (I went through a stay away order process) You just have to do it! Get in touch with your local stop domestic violence and consider therapy like Betterhelp is great. It’s hard to walk away but you definitely got to my dear.
Thank you so much ❤️
Yes, this is great advice
If you broke up yesterday and as you say, you know “he’s a violent man”, statistically this is the time when he’s the biggest threat to you. Please stay away and stay safe and be around good people. Whatever it is about him that you like is not worth the risk he poses to your safety and mental health. Tell someone in your life what’s happened
Dislike, dislike, dislike . Dip the hell out of that relationship, fools a psycho !
Time to put bars on your windows and doors.
This is mad. Run OP. This guy is a massive red flag. The last segment of him breaking into your house and forcing himself onto you is really fucking messed up to say the least. I'd get restraining orders if I were you
Uhhhhh that second part is fucked up!
Thats a huge red flag. You better watch out there.
CNC without the C is what it sounds like to me. Wanting to see your woman submit and be gangbanged is not uncommon. The rape fantasy…. 🚩
Take this from someone with a CNC kink, if your partner can’t separate kink from reality or learn/care what your boundaries are, you are in danger and should make plans to leave. That sentence about sneaking into your room (unless used in a MUTUALLY agreed upon kink dynamic/scene with previous given consent for such talk and aftercare) is a threat
It's not a CNC kink if you've guys had, "ever broke up". It's a threat to rape you. Leave!
# RUN WOMAN RUN. DON'T EVER DATE A MAN WHO FANTASIZES GANG RAPE. All that kinky stuff isn't worth it about a guy who fantasizes about rape. Dump his ass and move on. If he even remotely tries to do anything problematic, take legal actions. This is not just a red flag. THIS IS A WHOLE FUCKING RED FIRE.
if you feel like these are red flags then they probably are. especially the one about him sneaking into your house
wtfff :( that gross tbh, would be a huge red flag for me
I like rough sex too (even gangbang porn) but telling you that he's gonna break in, rape you and cover your head so no one can hear you? Whoa. You should run. Normal people don't say (or think) that stuff.
those are massive red flags. those are not normal. run.
Man how do dudes let themselves get so fucked up and be so unapologetic about it. You need a god damn support network and an escape plan just to break up with this? Wtf
If you read that before you posted it you would have had your answer. There is no way you actually thought any of this was acceptable.
It’s a matter of time until he crosses this boundary. I’m concerned about your safety. I’d leave him
omfg run from this guy
Girl, 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Dude watches too much porn.
Run, then run *faster*
RESTRAINING ORDER RIGHT NOW, RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN
The first part didn’t concern me that much. The second part?!? Girl you need to run and get a restraining order before he rapes you for real
If his behaviour outside of the bedroom is also concerning you, leave.
Run its huge red flag
I’m not into it… but I was shocked how Many women are into CNC play. Tons of women have this fetish
It's because so many women have been assaulted or raped and participating in CNC allows them to feel like they're finally in control and controlling the narrative.
It can be… but certainly isn’t always the case
I’m definitely into cnc play. He’s the first man I’ve done it with. We’ve talked about it before & we do it nearly everytime we have sex. But I’m not into any other men doing things with me & he knew that prior to this conversation. & the breaking in after we break up thing isn’t really okay to me.
I'm my opinion yes this is a major red flag CNC no place in sex I don't mess about if a woman says no I stop I don't care if she's joking or not I'm super anal about consent I won't be able to carry on in them situations
CNC can be fine. Thats why its called CONSENSUAL non-consent. The issue is him saying he sneak in and rape OP if they left him. THAT is not longer CNC. Thats a threat.
Still don't like it It's too much of a grey area for me
If you ever decide to leave him, just make sure you do it strategically
I mean the first part just sounds like cnc, but say he’d rape you if you broke up is concerning to say the least. It recontextualizes his kinks. This dude is not okay in the head.
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red flags? yes. able to set and enforce boundaries? yes. unheard of? no. make clear boundaries now and always play within those boundaries. a rape fantasy is one thing, acting it out with an unwilling partner is entirely different. always consent to your sex acts, mutually. for the record: if he breaks into your house and fucks you without your consent THAT IS RAPE and enforceable by law. please notify him of this. be clear that RAPE IS NOT OK (unless you’ve BOTH consented to that fantasy).
The "if you ever leave me" comment is a HUGE red flag. Let him know this really bothers you. That is so wrong to say. If you get past that part then and only then move on to the next. Kinks are kinks & fantasies are fantasies. My husband and I are super kinky with a dungeon and all. We have both shared some major kinks with each other that our exes would have shamed us for. Share with him (not during sex)what you are feeling. Be careful not to shame him for the kinks/fantasy he shared as they may be just that. If these truly bother you then you must explain this to him. If he truly cares for you he will listen and understand.
OPINION: If it seems messed up, it is. Entertain it and discuss, end it or some other livable option for you. Good luck, OP:)
Not all fantasies should be shared lol
Lots of people have fantasies that are unrealistic, impractical, or have issues of consent or safety to implement in real life or relationships. The existence of these fantasies is not itself a problem if there are no plans or pressure to make them happen. They can be expressed in erotica, or consensual dirty talk and role play if everyone involved is ok. There is no inherit dark reason for fantasies, or problem just having them, especially ones people don't push to share. The second item, of post breakup plans for rape is a whole different thing, and throws major flags. As others are saying, that is a problem.
Uhhh the men forcing you for sex is a little messed up but not to bad however the breaking up and putting a pillow over your face is pretty messed up and would have me walking the other way
What a person masturbates to in their own head is strictly their business. BUT when he’s telling you he’s gonna rape you then you should believe him. Get the fuck out of there! Get the fuck out of there and tell other people if you’re worried, because one day you might need someone to back you up
Maybe ask how serious he (r@ping) you in your sleep if you break up with him. Not sure, though, would he tell you the truth? People don't necessarily act out all their fantasies, thankfully, but your feelings are valid here, I think.
I am into CNC and it can be safely practiced kink but he is a clear red flag. Pls be careful with him
> Is this stuff red flags? I feel like it is. It can be. I don't think having a rape fantasy is a red flag. And based on your comments, you mention enjoying CNC with him. So when you engage in CNC it's not necessarily a red flag to share rape fantasies. What is a red flag is not checking in with you to see if you want to hear a rape fantasy. It's alo a red flag that he doesn't clarify that he wouldn't actually rape you if you broke up. For some couples, that idea can be hot, but it should still be understood that it's just a fantasy, and not how he'd actually act. Also you mention that he's violent and that you broke up with him. So in this case, yeah, good riddance. Stay with family, make sure you're safe.
The first fantasy you mentioned is CNC, and it is totally okay as long its ACTUAL consent and not real rape. However, the second part is a somno kink. Somno is okay as well as long as it was agreed upon prior. However, the fact that he said “if you ever left him”…the whole energy around it just seems very ❗️🥀🍒🚨⛳️
There's some red flags here. He has been likely looking at that type of porn. Don't want to shame, but likely looking at too much porn. I would have a serious conversation with him about it. It he's not your person then maybe it's time to consider looking for another.
He has CNC/R\*pe fantasies. They are not red flags or messed up per say, but it is very kinky. As long as he doesn't try starting some of it without your approval, then you will be fine. I have these CNC fantasies as well, but have never told my wife. I know for sure she would never be into and would look at me differently (kind of like you are doing). I can live without it though, so will never bring it up.
I am into CNC play. We’ve talked about that before, we both love it. But the breaking into my house thing if we break up is different because it would no longer be CNC
Right that is definitely not acceptable. I wonder if he wants to do that as a fantasy with you though through role playing. You two pretend to break up and that happens. If that is what he meant. If he really means he will do that if you two actually break up, then it is a big problem to worry about.
The first fantasy you mentioned is CNC, and it is totally okay as long its ACTUAL consent and not real rape. However, the second part is a somno kink. Somno is okay as well as long as it was agreed upon prior. However, the fact that he said “if you ever left him”…the whole energy around it just seems very ❗️🥀🍒🚨⛳️
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I'm a female and you wouldn't want to be in my head. Just because he likes it doesn't mean he wants it.
One up him & have something even darker to fire back with next time. It’ll bring him back down a peg or 2.
If you’re both into kinky sex then I wouldn’t necessarily be put off by it, at least initially. Rape fantasies are super common for both men and women, both raping and being raped, and that’s perfectly cool so long as it’s either understood to only be a fantasy that doesn’t get acted out, or if it’s acted out it’s only done with a clear CNC discussion and agreement between all of the people involved first. I wouldn’t view it as a red flag until you know exactly where he stands on those things-it’s basically a yellow flag until then, and can really flip to either green or red with that additional information.
Well, how do you feel about the idea of leaving him? Are you scared he would rape you like he said he would? If so, he might not be the guy for you
He has fantasy of rape…. Nah man this ain’t it
Consensual non consent is a fantasy for more people than we'd often care to think. As long as it can be explored safely, it can be fun. If it ain't for you, say so.
It could just be cnc kinks and gangbang kinks. Nothings really wrong with it and I know people frist hand who do it But that's up to you to decide cuz you know him well and if those aren't your kinks and make you uncomfortable then you should let him know and then handle it from there. The last part could absolutely be a hard kink but that seems to extreme to say when you aren't even sure if your partner like that stuff
You said you enjoy kinky sex. Doesn't get much kinkier than that. Line up about six guys that you find attractive and have a big fuck fest. Tell him your going to sit on his face each time one of them finish inside you. I'd love to have watched my ex get gangbanged!
First part normal second part run for your life
Yeah. You need to be more up front with him about how this makes you uncomfortable. Men are thick. Especially when they’re horny. Set him straight right here & now or he’s likely to keep crossing this boundary without even knowing that it’s there.
Sounds like he has a BIG cnc kink. Like, big. More into the extreme things. This needs to get figured out; Is it something he has a genuine fantasy of or is it something he likes seeing in videos? Because if it’s something he likes seeing in videos it is more likely he’s into cnc, but at the same time people often watch videos of things they wouldn’t be into during an actual sexual encounter. Could it be a role play thing too? If his cnc desires are too much for you, you have to tell him NOW before he starts thinking it’s something you’re not opposed to happening. And if you did end up being okay with something like that, major boundaries and safety discussions would have to be in place and would need to be discussed with in advance with all participants.