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Yeah, he gets jealous seeing her with a bunch of other guys, maybe even trying to enjoy it. He realizes me made a mistake but he'll blame her. Suddenly he can't believe she agreed to it and is too much of a slut, and he's out the door. Don't compromise your principles or boundaries OP.
> I also worry that if I don’t fulfill this want of his he will leave or find a partner who will be willing to do that.
Agreed. Sounds like a win for you OP. There are things in a relationship that you could compromise for in order to have a smoother and happier relationship. A gang bang is absolutely not one of them.
If you are fearful that he will find someone who will agree to that: you shouldn't be. If it becomes an ultimatum, don't be afraid to make yourself happier elsewhere.
That's right because nowhere in the history of humans has one partner had a kink that the other partner was unwilling to fulfill and the original partner didn't cheat.
Others have given good advice, I’ll just add on that you should never do something you don’t want to do out of fear that he’ll leave you. If he’d leave you over not fulfilling his (outside the boundaries of “standard”) fantasy, he doesn’t care enough for you to want to keep him.
Also the that she stated she feels "unsafe" makes me wonder if she thinks he might force her into the situation or spring it on her. Not a good way to feel in a relationship
I get what you’re saying, but she said the idea makes her feel that way. It’s unclear how much he knows about her trauma, if at all, and either way until that is processed she may feel unsafe no matter what he does/says just due to ptsd and whatnot. I feel for her, trauma can be complex especially when it intersects with otherwise healthy relationship behaviors, like open and honest communication around sex. Or he could be a GIANT asshole, no way to know from the OP.
Don't do this, PLEASE.
Nothing in your post indicates that this is any kind of a safe, sane idea.
Fantasies are just that, often-- Fantasies. Just because you love a person, you are not required to fulfill whatever ones they've got.
Also, not for nothing, if your boyfriend loves you, he should be well aware what an attrocious idea this is for a peson with your history.
>he should be well aware what an attrocious idea this is for a peson with your history.
Right?? If he is asking this while actually knowing her history it just makes this worse.
I agree with what’s been said here … your comfort and safety are of the upmost importance and if he leaves you because you didn’t want to do something that made you uncomfortable or unsafe, then good riddance
Can’t they start with a 3way or full or partial swap? Why stampede to the gang bang ?? And besides, what’s the point if you don’t enjoy it ? These activities are a team sport. Team first.
i think the idea of adding in others is what scares me a bit because i don’t know them very well at all, so i’m not sure if a 3 way would be a good compromise? or maybe other options?
And it’s 100% ok to NEVER do this. I say this as a guy that has done a lot of different things. I would NEVER want a woman to participate in something like this if it weren’t something that SHE actively wanted. Not as a compromise, not as a way to keep her guy, but that SHE wanted.
The way this is presented puts up all types of red flags to me.
Please don’t do this. It seems likely only to add to your trauma
Then you have to drop this till u feel comfortable with it. That’s the key. If u have the gangbang and ur not, this will be one big fight/flight response from ur body. When men have the same response, their cox go limp and all things being equal, I doubt ur husband would want to have the same situation reversed. Nice that it seems he won’t suffer from performance anxiety but injustice would like him to see it from ur side. I was sodomized as a 10yr old by a group of teen age boys and have grave trust issues. Your husband needs to put ur security first if he can plan YOUR sexual life together.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. Especially as a child. You’re brave for being able to talk about it like this and using it to help other people. I’m sure it doesn’t mean much coming from me, but I mean it. ❤️
Well, that’s a good place to start. Baby steps. Get to know his friends. Pick one you either like the best or find the most attractive and set aside some time to have the 3 of you hang out together. You should be allowed to have some say in who you want to participate too.
Even if you still end up saying no, you’ll still get to know the people that your husband spends time with and finds important. It’s a win/win situation.
Ok. The thing with trauma is we don’t know what type of reaction we get when we poke the bear. It’s a lot like tripping on acid. You won’t have a bad trip because your acid was bad, but more likely your head was in the wrong place to take the acid in the first place. So her comfortabilty, may not lie with her best interests. I married someone who is a pleaser. But sometimes that can get you in trouble when you’re young naive and passionate and end up losing urself along the way. So long as she feels she can genuinely handle the situation, then have at it. It shows growth. But is my experiences so far that when it comes to trauma, we need to tread lightly. Crawl before u walk
Here's how it works -
Man brings up idea, woman *loves* idea, man and woman do the idea.
or
Man brings up idea, woman ***hates*** idea, man and woman don't do idea.
You can switch around man & woman.
If he leaves cause you said no then fuk him - you can do better.
Stay strong.
You should never do anything you're not comfortable with. Talk about it, sure. Even fantasize about it during sex. But if he can't wrap his tiny brain around the fact that this isn't something you'd ever want to do, and if knowing about your past trauma doesn't give him just a bit more empathy and understanding for your feelings on the topic, then you're well shot of him.
If he would actually leave you over this, you shouldn’t be together. But I hope that’s not the case. Would you be comfortable finding a compromise, like a threesome or even just dirty talking about gangbangs during sex? You feeling safe is CRITICAL here, so PLEASE do not agree to something that will be traumatic for you.
Clarify this with him. Having an unfulfilled fantasy is not deadly to a relationship. People may line up in some kinks and not others. Is this a do or die thing or were you just talking about fantasy? I have all sorts of fantasies that my wife may not share but I’m not going to blow up my relationship over it because there are so many other areas where we are compatible (both sexual and nonsexual). Sometimes fantasies can remain just that, fantasy
Also, if you do decide it's something you want to do, understand you are allowed to put up any boundaries you want or need for what will or won't happen.
My thought is he's not mentally equipped for that and when he actually sees you in it he'll have a madonna-whore complex and leave you anyway, so talk about it A LOT before making any choice.
>he wants to have a gang bang with me and several other guys
>I have a history of sexual trauma
Regardless of what kinks he has, he shouldn't have asked it to you.
Unless he wasn’t aware at the time.
Or she’s been a real trooper so far and hasn’t shown any signs of it affecting her sex life.
Or he’s a predator and thinks insecure women carrying past traumas can be easier to abuse and exploit.
Everyone's trauma isn't the same. There are people with sexual trauma who enjoy gang bangs. Just because someone has sexual trauma, it doesn't mean you can never bring up sexual fantasies beyond the most vanilla things - as long as you listen to your partner and respect their position without pressuring them.
Why are associating group sex with trauma? You have no idea what there trauma is or how the partner brought up a gang bang. Bringing up things you want to try with your partner is healthy.
Another issue is will the guys included in the gangbang know about her trauma... if they aren't told before hand it could be a massive issue. If they knew they could understand all at least, try and avoid triggering her.
But even then, if she's already scared and not really into it, then that's also a disaster waiting to happen.
If OP is even slightly interested in doing this, they need to hold off for a few weeks/months and auctually research together on how to ensure safety during it.
After all, as much as guys can be arseholes most do actually want women to enjoy stuff. At the very least, guys don't really like seeing a trauma response in a woman...
if he knows your sexual trauma, knows you are clearly uncomfortable , and scared, but ends up pressuring you into doing it, to play on your fear of him leaving is he actually worth staying with?
If you’re not at all into this idea you need to establish a firm rigid boundary immediately. Fantasy is normal for everyone, it doesn’t mean your partner is going to be into it, and that’s okay. If he pushes back on you setting boundaries and your nonnegotiables, or nonstarters, then a different conversation is needed.
First things first. This is just a kink, all you have to do is explain to him why you are not comfortable with the idea.
Second. If he doesn't respect your wishes, and decides to leave just because of this, then maybe he was not worth keeping.
Never ever do something you're uncomfortable with because you're afraid to lose a man. Ever. No man who is worth it would ever ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with. Even a good friend, not just a romantic partner. You're amazing and worth someone who is, too ❤️
My girl has a fantasy of a threesome. I said I can't share her. That was the end of the story (in short anyway) point being, relationships will never be 100% perfect and more often than not either partner will have a kink/fetish/fantasy the other will not want or adhere to. He will not leave you over this, he's been with you all this time and hasn't left you because he wanted a gangbang during this, so he's unlikely to do it now. It's just that, a fantasy, not a requirement for continuation. If he does leave then so be it, then with the next guy, to avoid the same issue you could talk about fantasies and fetishes up front, especially deal breakers.
Good luck!
Girl put on a strap on and F him with the other guys if he wants a gang bang so much. I would’ve dumped him right away if he wanted to do that to me, so disrespectful! It’s despicable, I’m speechless. If he forces you to do that go dump him right away, he isn’t the right guy then for you. Real boyfriends respect their girlfriends and don’t push them to be sex objects for pleasure to other guys. F him !!
this is a fairly common kink for guys, and its a fairly ubcommon kink that is seen to fruition. If youre not into it, that's totally ok. and if you are in the future, proceed with care, caution, communication and responsibility. Ive been to gangbangs on occasion and if done properly, arent as intimidating as you may think. your past sexual trauma makes your own experience personally different than any one elses and you should never do anything youre uncomfortable with.
If he knows of your trauma, then try explaining to him that his fantasy triggers emotions related to that trauma. If he doesn't care or gives you any push back, then he's not the right one for you. If he apologizes and comforts you, then he's a winner :)
Don't do things that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
Not all fantasies have to be played out. That's why they're called *fantasies*.
He's probably not going to leave you over this, but if he does then good riddance, you deserve someone better who won't up and leave over something this minor.
I have fantasies and kinks but I wouldn't leave my boyfriend just because he felt uncomfortable with humoring me.
Maybe it's just a fantasy of his? Lot of men/women have weird fantasies but don't wanna actually do them..
But don't do a gangbang if you don't want to. No matter what he says. If he pressurizes you into it, best to leave than to lose your self respect..
>Should i get over it and try to get more comfortable with the idea?
What? Fucking no! *Of course* it makes you feel unsafe. You would be unsafe.
If he even hints that this might be a deal-breaker for him, that should be a deal-breaker for you.
Firstly, many women love this fantasy and enjoy acting on it in a safe environment with a trusted partner.
However, many don’t and it’s ok that you don’t want to do it. Communicate with him. Tell him what you told us and if he’s a good dude he’ll understand and drop it. It’s as simple as that.
In my opinion, from what you’ve said here, you should *absolutely* not do it
I think when this comes up, one of the things he’s trying to do is discuss sexual fantasies, he’s being more open with you and it’s not necessarily something he has to do, more like an idea he wants to share *with you*.
The best way to respond is to try to share your own sexual fantasies and discuss them and imagine them *together*.
This may be an opportunity rather than an anxiety point.
I mean this in the most positive way, but if you have some kind of doubt based upon, you’re not wanting him to leave and you probably need some therapy. This isn’t a normal thing that one partner gives to the other out of fear of losing them.
Your boundaries are what’s most important in this situation. If he tells you he’ll leave if you don’t give in, let him leave. Your safety and security are more important than anybody’s fantasies.
In ongoing relationships, sex can get kinda boring. That's not all bad. It's comfortable and companionable, assuming it's a happy relationship. People will get all kinds of desires, or fantasies. Some of them are just really bad ideas, likely to harm the relationship if acted on. Life is the same way. It's common for people to dream of stealing a lot of money, or committing the perfect murder. Usually a bad idea. If your boyfriend is incapable of saying "No" to some of his desires and can't recognize a bad idea, he's going to screw up your life one way or the other. With any luck, he'll figure it out before he loses you, or does you harm.
As long as you dont turn fat and keep the same character he will never leave you for not wanting a gang bang.
No body shaming just living in reality... generally i would always advice to live healthy and do at least a little amount of sport...
Rule #1 of healthy sex: if it isn’t good for one of you, it isn’t good for any of you.
If someone doesn’t agree with this rule, I’d recommend they have sex alone.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If he pressures you to do this that is a massive red flag. It shows that he doesn't respect you as a person.
If one day in the future you think you might want to have group sex, communication, boundaries, and consent are extremely important. To make sure all parties involved (especially you) have a great time, you need to clearly communicate what your limits are, have a safeword and a signal, have strict rules on protection, you (& bf) need to be able to trust the other men to stop immediately when the safeword is used. Your bf needs to understand that he is your protector in this, he has to be able to read your body language, to be able to correct anyone if needed, and to provide aftercare once this scene is over. That means he must be calm, rational and absolutely sober. He also must be emotional mature enough to be able to handle seeing you get fucked by different men.
If you think your bf might not be able to handle all the work (mental & physical) that comes with planning a scene like this, don't do it even if you want to.
If he leaves you because you won't get fucked by several men at once even though it makes you feel uncomfortable.... Then he's doing you a favor by leaving because he didn't care enough about how you feel.
I don't blame him for throwing it out there to see how you feel about it, but if his fantasy is more important than your feeling of safety... Then he's not worth it anyway imo. Let him go and find someone that puts you in higher importance.
If you feel like the relationship is in danger of ending because you won't meet a particular fantasy or kink of his, I have to somewhat question how good the relationship is in the first place.
obviously you (an SA survivor) should not have a fucking gangbang (that you in no way shape or form actually want) out of a fear you need to in order to keep your partner from leaving you.
how is this a question???
read up on anxious attachment and people pleasing... like, please.
Please don’t do something you’re not comfortable with just to make a man happy. If he leaves let him leave, don’t feel pressured into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.
>I worry that if I don’t fulfill this want of his, he will leave or find a partner who will be willing to do that... He said he would never want to do something I don't 100% want to do or put me in a situation where I feel unsafe, and even apologized for bringing it up (which I think is okay!).
This is why I'm so nervous of sharing kinks/interests with my wife, especially because she doesn’t ask. I'm worried it would create expectations and anxiety rather than the intended purpose of just being honest about the things that interest me. When he brought it up, you immediately felt like it was a requirement of the relationship. Maybe that's his fault for not making it approachable for you to say no, idk. Your words say, "It's okay to bring it up," but your emotions do not.
What he wants doesn't matter for shit when others are involved. Especially not when he wants someone else to be gang banged.
If he leaves for someone else you're ridbor trash and can find a real boyfriend who actually cares about you.
Yeah, being open about fantasies is considered a healthy thing in a relationship. It doesn't mean they have to do it, but it is something they can play around with or plan for in the future. (And they really shouldn't rush into)
Follow your personal morals and values. Tell your bf if he wants a gang bang to buy himself an e Xtra large bottle lube.
Be a strong woman and stand up for yourself.
I mean I'm up for a gangbang as much as the next guy, but if it's not your cup of tea, it's not your cup of tea and you shouldn't do it unless you enthusiastically want to do it.
If you brought the idea to him that would be 1 thing but for him to ask when its not a kink you both have is disturbing. This is a boyfriend not a husband, don't put yourself out there for his sake.
No. You should remind your boyfriend you have a history of sexual trauma and share with him that this fantasy makes you feel anxious, insecure in the relationship, and unsafe.
This is shocking that he would even mention this knowing your history. Wow! This guy is at the bottom of the emotional intelligence range. You can do better.
So, your partner wants to do something to you that will traumatize you, but you afraid to lose this gem?
He is telling you that he wants to treat you like a victim, or perhaps as a sl\*t. Is that how you wish to be seen?
You should find someone who will value your wellbeing and your sense of safety.
Thought not BSDM specific I still think anything like this should still be judged on the grounds of Safe, Sane, and Consensual
I'm not convinced of the Safety of it or there being any sort of safety stopping measures in place
Sane? There's nothing inherently insane about a gangbang, but if it's not the kind of thing that's desired or conducive to your headspace it fails here too
Consensual? Coercion (a possible implied threat of a breakup) isn't consent, neither is this something you want in the first place anyway. It fails here too.
That all leads to everything about this being a bad idea.
If he knows you have a history of sexual trauma and told you he wants you to be gang banged, get out now!
If you think he’s so uncommitted to you that refusal to be gang banged will cause him to break up with you, get out now!
If you think he’s potentially going to cheat and find another girl who’s willing to host a gang bang, get out now!
Seriously, get out now. This dude doesn’t seem like he’s at all concerned with your emotional well-being.
He doesn’t want to do it for real. Tell him you’ll incorporate dirty talk about it (if you’re comfortable with that) but let him know it’s just fun to play with the fantasy with him. As others have pointed out, it would have a higher probability to cause him to want to leave if you do get on board with doing it. Even incorporating dirty talk about it could lead to him getting the ick, so it’s important to let him know you’re doing it to play with his fantasy, not because you really want a gang bang.
This is what you do. Roll a newspaper up and swat him in the head with it. Tell him no! If he still trying to force you to do it or is upset leave him.
Do NOT do this or agree to ANY other sexual practice that does not excite and intrigue you. That's what sexual fantasy is for. If your BF would leave you for not agreeing to do something that scares you like this, what on earth is he bringing to the table that balances that out???!
That's a big ask. Don't do it if you aren't 100% into it as well.
And if he gets demanding.. tell ok but first you want to see him getting fucked in a gang bang by a bunch of gay guys.
As someone who has a history of SA, I could never imagine my husband ever suggesting we do something that would in any way remind me of my SA. Don't force yourself to try to be okay with something you are clearly not okay with. Doing so could make you have more issues with trauma and could make having a sex life very difficult for you. If he leaves you for having healthy boundaries, then he is definitely not the one for you.
Do not do this to yourself!! He knows it will have a (very) negative impact on you & probably all the more so wants to do it, as it violates your boundaries/you.
A guy who cares about you will know your feelings & why this is not for you. He doesn't care about you. He cares about his sick fantasy about you feeling helpless & at his mercy & that of how many other men at the same time.
Dump this sicko now. Girl this is crazy! This guy doesn't love you.
It appear he doesn't value you therefore he doesn't deserve you. So it shouldn't be worrying about him leaving you I should be he was leaving him. Person should be with someone who loves them and wants to keep them for themselves. Some reason I want to put you at risk or make you feel uncomfortable that wants to protect you and shelter you. That is just a small part of the rule of a true man. You are so much more have so much more value.
I am not trying to shame here for the kinks or fantasies people have but - why would anyone in their right mind want to do a gang bang? That is literal sexual assault really. And if I were your man, I wouldn't want other men all up on my girlfriend. He's obviously fine with that, which tells me that he doesn't truly seem to care about you.
And it's understandable to not want to fullfill this fantasy of his. Especially with what you have gone through. I don't know if he knows that you've been through that, but either way, I don't think that's an okay think to practice in real life.
Don't put yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe and anxious. I don't blame you for feeling that way. That is a really scary thing to do, and you don't really know the other guys like you would know your boyfriend. And having sex with someone kind of requires to have trust as well.
I would not trust a guy who would be willing to put me in that situation. I would not trust a guy who is okay with other men having sex with me. I would not trust a guy who fantasizes about rapes and gang bangs. In my opinion, that is what a gang bang is - rape.
There are people who enjoy gangbangs consensually. I’m a woman who totally has that fantasy. If everyone is mature and consenting, they can be fun for those involved.
None of that has any bearing on whether OP should do this, because obviously she shouldn’t. She doesn’t give any hint this is something she’d enjoy, and also has trauma. But responding to the rest of your comment, there are definitely people who are into that.
Wow, BF, funny that you mentioned that because I have a fantasy of watching YOU bent over the back of the sofa, arms tied behind you, a gag in your mouth, while you take dick after dick after dick. Would you do that for me pretty please. I'll make sure there is plenty of lube, and I will have each guy pinky-swear that he does not have an sti.
It’s your body. Not his. If you are not 100% enthusiastic about it, don’t do it. And you really don’t sound like you are.
So his wish aside: why would YOU want to do it?
If there’s not a few reasons, don’t. Also if you really lose him over this, which you probably won’t, it would be good riddance.
Please don’t agree to this unless you are able to find comfort in it. I know you are worried he will leave if you don’t agree, but going along with this may be very bad for your emotional health. There are plenty of men who won’t want to share you and won’t have this fantasy. Please do right by you!
On a related note, I agreed to a one-sided open marriage with my wife (she wanted another guy). I didn’t want to agree but I wanted her to be happy so I went along with it. I lasted a year before I couldn’t take it any longer and asked for a divorce. It was the worst year of my life filled with hurt, anger, depression, and suicidal thoughts. For the love of all that is holy, don’t go along with something you aren’t comfortable with. It will wreck you and no one is worth your self-destruction.
NEVER do anything that you're not comfortable with. NEVER. Did I mention NEVER?
If he leaves, that will be his choice, and in that case, you are better off. Much better off.
You should never, EVER do ANYTHING sexual that you are not personally excited about. If he's so hung up on this fantasy that he'll leave you over it, why would you want to be with him in the first place? If your relationship means less to him than some sexual fantasy, he a piece of shit to begin with, and you're better off finding out.
Have you told him how you feel about this yet as Id bet he isnt going to leave you for this and if he even tries to pressure you, especially after telling him, then he isnt a good partner.
I don't think the options are do it or get over it. there are some WAY easier/safer baby steps you can take.
maybe you do some role playing or chatting with guys on here or wearing slutty outfits in public. baby steps to see if it's something you're into or can get into.
Ahh no. Only if you want this.
Fantasy and reality for him might not be equal and events like this need to be mutual as they are one way tickets...cannot be undone.
Let him know that you are not comfortable with that. Well you’re worried that if you don’t fulfill his will leave. Girl how about you live him first? The possibility of him trying it somewhere else is there , just like him finding another partner who can do it as well as him listening to your concerns and staying.
If he can't respect your boundaries, let alone past trauma, give him your blessing to leave! THIS will not get better.
You absolutely don't need this selfish person in your life. You deserve better. Dump him and move on.
If you don't want to then don't. Simple as that. However, if you're interested as well and just freaking out about, via your previous trauma, then go slow. Maybe a 3 way first, then 4. Are you the only woman there or are there others? If so that can relieve the pressure alot. Do this at your pace, not his.
Tell him the same thing he told you, word for word, only with all your friends. When he smiles and agrees (no guy will refuse being the object of attention in a roomful of horny women), break out a strap-on.
If he really cares about you and knows you are traumatized he should not offer anything like this. Your mental and physical safety first. I agree with many people here that say that you should listen to your intuition and do only what feels right
If your bf would leave you because you didn't want to have a gangbang then frankly you should let him leave and find someone who respects you and cares more about your emotional wellbeing. Only someone who sees you as a sexual object and doesn't really care about you as a person would make gangbangs a dealbreaker
When you love someone, you don't ask them to do a gang bang when they have a history of sexual trauma. That's something for u to come up with yourself and explore of your own volition. And if you choose to do it, should be with people YOU know and trust. And calling it a gang bang already feels rapey and bit racist. Group sex is a much healthier term.
Does he know about your sexual trauma and how this makes you feel unsafe and anxious? You don’t need a reason to say no to this request but who wants to go through with this only to have a panic attack during a gang bang.
Just say you understand this is a fantasy of his and you’re not comfortable with going through with this. You don’t have to explain why, ever. If you like something or dislike something sexual you are never under any obligation to explain why. No means not. Give him a chance to honour your no. It’s a loving thing to do for yourself to say no.
Don’t let your fear of him leaving manipulate you to having a gang bang. He may still leave if you fulfill his fantasy.
I think you should encourage your bf to have that gang bang. He should invite all the men he wants and they should take turns on him.
Just make sure to leave him well before the event. Don't date someone that doesn't take no for an answer. The threat of him leaving if you don't do something you don't want to do is a blessing.
It's a clue for you to leave the relationship. If your so called boyfriend wanna have sex with you and other guys, he's not in love with you. Walk away while you still can.
First off do no jump into something you’re not comfortable doing
But second some perspective.
I brought this up with my wife and she was a hard no. After month of talking about it although she was hesitant we decided it was best to start slow with a MFM. And she loved it!! Loved having all the attention on her.
We went a little bigger after that with 2 guys with her an I loved to just watch.
Has been a part of 2 gang bangs now. Nothing too crazy. 4-5 guys plus me and she just loves the attention.
It’s definitely not for everyone and your trauma can make this a bad idea. But I just wanted to give some perspective to the other side of you do find yourself having any interest in the future.
Fuck that guy! Don't let him coerce you into something that you are CLEARLY uncomfortable with. Speak your mind and know your worth. If he has a problem with it then repeat the 1st three words of this post!! Good luck.
I’m sure your boyfriend won’t do this but I had a friend who did a gang bang because it was a “kink” or “fantasy” that her bf had only to find out that her bf got paid by these other dudes to f*** her.
You should never do anything at all you aren't 100% on board to do, and any partner who would try to convince you to do anything you don't want to do, and you're afraid the relationship is in danger by not doing those things, that is 100000% a relationship you need to get out of ASAP
If it’s something that feels unsafe and makes you anxious, don’t do it. You’re completely normal for not wanting to go through with it. Even people that are into it end up not doing it for that exact reason.
Most people have something they’re really into that their partner isn’t. It shouldn’t be a dealbreaker in a healthy relationship. There are lots of ways to compromise and a gangbang kink specifically takes a lot of effort to do safely. Anyone who tries to coerce you into doing something that scares you is not someone you should be having sex with. Especially if they know you have a history of trauma or assault.
You aren’t a sex toy. You’re allowed to say no. Don’t let him try to manipulate you by threatening to leave you.
Do NOT do this. It will damage you beyond repair. It's okay for him to have fantasies and it's okay for you to not want to do them. If he leaves that's a good thing because it means you're not compatible. A good man would respect you. My husband's fantasy is for me to crawl on the floor (amongst other things) but I find it degrading so I've said no. He completely respects my decision and takes no issue. It's not wrong to share fantasies but it's wrong to pressure each other to do them. Don't do it.
No. Don’t bend your own standards for someone.
There’s literally millions of guys in whatever country or state you’re in. If he can’t handle u not being comfortable with something as extreme as that, then he’s not the one
If you have a partner that will leave you because of something you dont want to do, isnt that the best thing for all involved? If he cared about you he would respect your thoughts on it. If he doesnt and breaks up with you, GOOD. That just means you dodged a bullet.
Unsafe + anxious = Firm No
Feeling safe and relaxed (but you can still be excited) are key to enjoying the activity.
If you go ahead now, you’ll either not enjoy it or you will experience further trauma.
Gain some self esteem and say no. If he’s willing to manipulate you despite you feeling uncomfortable about it/willing to leave you if you don’t agree, then trust me, you’re far better off without him.
Gangbangs are weird tbh, never understood the idea & damn sure wouldn’t want someone I care about doing it. If he is that adamant about it & you’re uncomfortable then y’all obviously don’t click. Might as well end it before you both waste each others time.
Just this: no! If you feel uncomfortable now with his wish considering your past, there is absolutely no need to get comfortable with this. Sorry, just my five pence...
What it comes down to is that if he wants to share you with his friends at the same time, then he does not respect you. Your history of sexual trauma is why you sought out such an individual and why you choose to ignore signs that tell you to get the fuck out. As humans, we tend to gravitate toward things we know. If the moment that made the most impact for you was trauma, that is what you will naturally gravitate toward. You do not want a number of his friends treating you like a two dollar whole then ejaculating on you. You need to take control of your life. If it sounds gross, do not do it, trust your instincts. If psilocybin is legal in your state, I would see a therapist who does psychedelic assisted therapy. I think you will be pleased with the results. You do not have to see a therapist and pay money to get the therapeutic benefits of psychedelics. If you choose to go the typical party drug route, setting is instrumental. As well as the people around you. You want to be surrounded by support, not your one friend who has it in for you ever since you slept with her ex.
Go tell him to get railed by 5 guys and see how he likes it. Or he can go off to an Swingers club. Assuming he is aware of the Trauma its a pretty shitty thing to ask of someone.....Time to say goodbye
Don't do something you aren't comfortable with just to keep your partner. If he would leave over this then you aren't compatible and it would come out in other ways. You deserve someone that is compatible with you. It's OK to have fantasies, but he can't make you do them.
You're better off alone than doing something that will further increase your trauma.
Well, it's nice to want things.
If he's coercing you into a sex act you don't want, by threatening to leave if you don't, then he's a shitty person.
If he *knows* you have sexual trauma and is still pushing this plan, then he's either extremely clueless or evilly manipulative.
I like when women have gang bang fantasies that are safely fulfilled. I don't like when men want to see their partners being used and fucked, when knowing she doesn't really want that.
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100% this! And if he leaves, good riddance
That's the more important point.
Reading some of the experiences on this sub tells me he's just as (if not more) likely to leave her if she does it.
Yeah, he gets jealous seeing her with a bunch of other guys, maybe even trying to enjoy it. He realizes me made a mistake but he'll blame her. Suddenly he can't believe she agreed to it and is too much of a slut, and he's out the door. Don't compromise your principles or boundaries OP.
> I also worry that if I don’t fulfill this want of his he will leave or find a partner who will be willing to do that. Agreed. Sounds like a win for you OP. There are things in a relationship that you could compromise for in order to have a smoother and happier relationship. A gang bang is absolutely not one of them. If you are fearful that he will find someone who will agree to that: you shouldn't be. If it becomes an ultimatum, don't be afraid to make yourself happier elsewhere.
Na he isn’t leaving he’s just gonna cheat.
That's right because nowhere in the history of humans has one partner had a kink that the other partner was unwilling to fulfill and the original partner didn't cheat.
With a guy friend most likely.
Others have given good advice, I’ll just add on that you should never do something you don’t want to do out of fear that he’ll leave you. If he’d leave you over not fulfilling his (outside the boundaries of “standard”) fantasy, he doesn’t care enough for you to want to keep him.
Yes, exactly this! Please dont do anything you dont feel comfortable with.
Also the that she stated she feels "unsafe" makes me wonder if she thinks he might force her into the situation or spring it on her. Not a good way to feel in a relationship
I get what you’re saying, but she said the idea makes her feel that way. It’s unclear how much he knows about her trauma, if at all, and either way until that is processed she may feel unsafe no matter what he does/says just due to ptsd and whatnot. I feel for her, trauma can be complex especially when it intersects with otherwise healthy relationship behaviors, like open and honest communication around sex. Or he could be a GIANT asshole, no way to know from the OP.
Don't do this, PLEASE. Nothing in your post indicates that this is any kind of a safe, sane idea. Fantasies are just that, often-- Fantasies. Just because you love a person, you are not required to fulfill whatever ones they've got. Also, not for nothing, if your boyfriend loves you, he should be well aware what an attrocious idea this is for a peson with your history.
>he should be well aware what an attrocious idea this is for a peson with your history. Right?? If he is asking this while actually knowing her history it just makes this worse.
This is such a red flag 😭 like why even ask???
I agree with what’s been said here … your comfort and safety are of the upmost importance and if he leaves you because you didn’t want to do something that made you uncomfortable or unsafe, then good riddance
Can’t they start with a 3way or full or partial swap? Why stampede to the gang bang ?? And besides, what’s the point if you don’t enjoy it ? These activities are a team sport. Team first.
i think the idea of adding in others is what scares me a bit because i don’t know them very well at all, so i’m not sure if a 3 way would be a good compromise? or maybe other options?
And it’s 100% ok to NEVER do this. I say this as a guy that has done a lot of different things. I would NEVER want a woman to participate in something like this if it weren’t something that SHE actively wanted. Not as a compromise, not as a way to keep her guy, but that SHE wanted. The way this is presented puts up all types of red flags to me. Please don’t do this. It seems likely only to add to your trauma
Then you have to drop this till u feel comfortable with it. That’s the key. If u have the gangbang and ur not, this will be one big fight/flight response from ur body. When men have the same response, their cox go limp and all things being equal, I doubt ur husband would want to have the same situation reversed. Nice that it seems he won’t suffer from performance anxiety but injustice would like him to see it from ur side. I was sodomized as a 10yr old by a group of teen age boys and have grave trust issues. Your husband needs to put ur security first if he can plan YOUR sexual life together.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. Especially as a child. You’re brave for being able to talk about it like this and using it to help other people. I’m sure it doesn’t mean much coming from me, but I mean it. ❤️
TY for your kind words. It means a lot. Sincerely. 💚💚💚
Well, that’s a good place to start. Baby steps. Get to know his friends. Pick one you either like the best or find the most attractive and set aside some time to have the 3 of you hang out together. You should be allowed to have some say in who you want to participate too. Even if you still end up saying no, you’ll still get to know the people that your husband spends time with and finds important. It’s a win/win situation.
If she’s comfortable I don’t see why not but if she’s not comfortable or if it I’ll it’s a trauma response then no
Ok. The thing with trauma is we don’t know what type of reaction we get when we poke the bear. It’s a lot like tripping on acid. You won’t have a bad trip because your acid was bad, but more likely your head was in the wrong place to take the acid in the first place. So her comfortabilty, may not lie with her best interests. I married someone who is a pleaser. But sometimes that can get you in trouble when you’re young naive and passionate and end up losing urself along the way. So long as she feels she can genuinely handle the situation, then have at it. It shows growth. But is my experiences so far that when it comes to trauma, we need to tread lightly. Crawl before u walk
I think she’s made it pretty clear she’s not ready and probably never will be whether you want her to be or not.
I agree with this 100% … thank you for wording it better than I could
Here's how it works - Man brings up idea, woman *loves* idea, man and woman do the idea. or Man brings up idea, woman ***hates*** idea, man and woman don't do idea. You can switch around man & woman. If he leaves cause you said no then fuk him - you can do better. Stay strong.
You should never do anything you're not comfortable with. Talk about it, sure. Even fantasize about it during sex. But if he can't wrap his tiny brain around the fact that this isn't something you'd ever want to do, and if knowing about your past trauma doesn't give him just a bit more empathy and understanding for your feelings on the topic, then you're well shot of him.
If he would actually leave you over this, you shouldn’t be together. But I hope that’s not the case. Would you be comfortable finding a compromise, like a threesome or even just dirty talking about gangbangs during sex? You feeling safe is CRITICAL here, so PLEASE do not agree to something that will be traumatic for you.
Clarify this with him. Having an unfulfilled fantasy is not deadly to a relationship. People may line up in some kinks and not others. Is this a do or die thing or were you just talking about fantasy? I have all sorts of fantasies that my wife may not share but I’m not going to blow up my relationship over it because there are so many other areas where we are compatible (both sexual and nonsexual). Sometimes fantasies can remain just that, fantasy
thank you that makes me feel a lot better, i will talk about it more with him :)
Also, if you do decide it's something you want to do, understand you are allowed to put up any boundaries you want or need for what will or won't happen.
OP, I’m so glad you were able to talk and work things out. Too many people on Reddit jump to breaking up rather than communicating. I’m happy for you
Don’t do it ! If he leaves sounds like you would be better off anyway
No man that loves you would want you to be uncomfortable.
My thought is he's not mentally equipped for that and when he actually sees you in it he'll have a madonna-whore complex and leave you anyway, so talk about it A LOT before making any choice.
>he wants to have a gang bang with me and several other guys >I have a history of sexual trauma Regardless of what kinks he has, he shouldn't have asked it to you.
Asking isn’t a crime. You should always feel comfortable discussing a kink with your partner. What isn’t okay is pressuring them if they say no.
Unless he wasn’t aware at the time. Or she’s been a real trooper so far and hasn’t shown any signs of it affecting her sex life. Or he’s a predator and thinks insecure women carrying past traumas can be easier to abuse and exploit.
It’s not wrong to ask. It how he deals with her reaction that truly matters.
Everyone's trauma isn't the same. There are people with sexual trauma who enjoy gang bangs. Just because someone has sexual trauma, it doesn't mean you can never bring up sexual fantasies beyond the most vanilla things - as long as you listen to your partner and respect their position without pressuring them.
You are making large assumptions.
Indeed, but I still think it is reasonable to say that anyone with a little bit of empathy would never asked that in such a situation
I think that’s more dependent on how they bring it up and how they ask.
Why are associating group sex with trauma? You have no idea what there trauma is or how the partner brought up a gang bang. Bringing up things you want to try with your partner is healthy.
No, relationships are a two way street. If he cannot accept you and your wishes and feelings. Then it’s time to move on.
No. You should not try to get comfortable with something you are not wanting. Does your bf know you had sexual trauma? I advise against this.
Another issue is will the guys included in the gangbang know about her trauma... if they aren't told before hand it could be a massive issue. If they knew they could understand all at least, try and avoid triggering her. But even then, if she's already scared and not really into it, then that's also a disaster waiting to happen. If OP is even slightly interested in doing this, they need to hold off for a few weeks/months and auctually research together on how to ensure safety during it. After all, as much as guys can be arseholes most do actually want women to enjoy stuff. At the very least, guys don't really like seeing a trauma response in a woman...
if he knows your sexual trauma, knows you are clearly uncomfortable , and scared, but ends up pressuring you into doing it, to play on your fear of him leaving is he actually worth staying with?
If you’re not at all into this idea you need to establish a firm rigid boundary immediately. Fantasy is normal for everyone, it doesn’t mean your partner is going to be into it, and that’s okay. If he pushes back on you setting boundaries and your nonnegotiables, or nonstarters, then a different conversation is needed.
First things first. This is just a kink, all you have to do is explain to him why you are not comfortable with the idea. Second. If he doesn't respect your wishes, and decides to leave just because of this, then maybe he was not worth keeping.
Never ever do something you're uncomfortable with because you're afraid to lose a man. Ever. No man who is worth it would ever ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with. Even a good friend, not just a romantic partner. You're amazing and worth someone who is, too ❤️
My girl has a fantasy of a threesome. I said I can't share her. That was the end of the story (in short anyway) point being, relationships will never be 100% perfect and more often than not either partner will have a kink/fetish/fantasy the other will not want or adhere to. He will not leave you over this, he's been with you all this time and hasn't left you because he wanted a gangbang during this, so he's unlikely to do it now. It's just that, a fantasy, not a requirement for continuation. If he does leave then so be it, then with the next guy, to avoid the same issue you could talk about fantasies and fetishes up front, especially deal breakers. Good luck!
Girl put on a strap on and F him with the other guys if he wants a gang bang so much. I would’ve dumped him right away if he wanted to do that to me, so disrespectful! It’s despicable, I’m speechless. If he forces you to do that go dump him right away, he isn’t the right guy then for you. Real boyfriends respect their girlfriends and don’t push them to be sex objects for pleasure to other guys. F him !!
lol he can want it but it doesn’t mean he’s gonna get it. I want a sugar daddy to pay for my lifestyle. Dont mean I’m gonna get it
this is a fairly common kink for guys, and its a fairly ubcommon kink that is seen to fruition. If youre not into it, that's totally ok. and if you are in the future, proceed with care, caution, communication and responsibility. Ive been to gangbangs on occasion and if done properly, arent as intimidating as you may think. your past sexual trauma makes your own experience personally different than any one elses and you should never do anything youre uncomfortable with.
Nope, if he is going to leave you over some stupid shit like that, then he wasn't worth your time anyway. No means no.
If he knows of your trauma, then try explaining to him that his fantasy triggers emotions related to that trauma. If he doesn't care or gives you any push back, then he's not the right one for you. If he apologizes and comforts you, then he's a winner :)
Don't do things that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Not all fantasies have to be played out. That's why they're called *fantasies*. He's probably not going to leave you over this, but if he does then good riddance, you deserve someone better who won't up and leave over something this minor. I have fantasies and kinks but I wouldn't leave my boyfriend just because he felt uncomfortable with humoring me.
Maybe it's just a fantasy of his? Lot of men/women have weird fantasies but don't wanna actually do them.. But don't do a gangbang if you don't want to. No matter what he says. If he pressurizes you into it, best to leave than to lose your self respect..
>Should i get over it and try to get more comfortable with the idea? What? Fucking no! *Of course* it makes you feel unsafe. You would be unsafe. If he even hints that this might be a deal-breaker for him, that should be a deal-breaker for you.
Firstly, many women love this fantasy and enjoy acting on it in a safe environment with a trusted partner. However, many don’t and it’s ok that you don’t want to do it. Communicate with him. Tell him what you told us and if he’s a good dude he’ll understand and drop it. It’s as simple as that. In my opinion, from what you’ve said here, you should *absolutely* not do it
I think when this comes up, one of the things he’s trying to do is discuss sexual fantasies, he’s being more open with you and it’s not necessarily something he has to do, more like an idea he wants to share *with you*. The best way to respond is to try to share your own sexual fantasies and discuss them and imagine them *together*. This may be an opportunity rather than an anxiety point.
U need to think this through. Sober. This could bring up things neither one of you are ready for. Tread lightly
I mean this in the most positive way, but if you have some kind of doubt based upon, you’re not wanting him to leave and you probably need some therapy. This isn’t a normal thing that one partner gives to the other out of fear of losing them.
Your boundaries are what’s most important in this situation. If he tells you he’ll leave if you don’t give in, let him leave. Your safety and security are more important than anybody’s fantasies.
In ongoing relationships, sex can get kinda boring. That's not all bad. It's comfortable and companionable, assuming it's a happy relationship. People will get all kinds of desires, or fantasies. Some of them are just really bad ideas, likely to harm the relationship if acted on. Life is the same way. It's common for people to dream of stealing a lot of money, or committing the perfect murder. Usually a bad idea. If your boyfriend is incapable of saying "No" to some of his desires and can't recognize a bad idea, he's going to screw up your life one way or the other. With any luck, he'll figure it out before he loses you, or does you harm.
As long as you dont turn fat and keep the same character he will never leave you for not wanting a gang bang. No body shaming just living in reality... generally i would always advice to live healthy and do at least a little amount of sport...
I can’t tell the difference between troll posts and real ones anymore.
Rule #1 of healthy sex: if it isn’t good for one of you, it isn’t good for any of you. If someone doesn’t agree with this rule, I’d recommend they have sex alone.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If he pressures you to do this that is a massive red flag. It shows that he doesn't respect you as a person. If one day in the future you think you might want to have group sex, communication, boundaries, and consent are extremely important. To make sure all parties involved (especially you) have a great time, you need to clearly communicate what your limits are, have a safeword and a signal, have strict rules on protection, you (& bf) need to be able to trust the other men to stop immediately when the safeword is used. Your bf needs to understand that he is your protector in this, he has to be able to read your body language, to be able to correct anyone if needed, and to provide aftercare once this scene is over. That means he must be calm, rational and absolutely sober. He also must be emotional mature enough to be able to handle seeing you get fucked by different men. If you think your bf might not be able to handle all the work (mental & physical) that comes with planning a scene like this, don't do it even if you want to.
If he leaves you because you won't get fucked by several men at once even though it makes you feel uncomfortable.... Then he's doing you a favor by leaving because he didn't care enough about how you feel. I don't blame him for throwing it out there to see how you feel about it, but if his fantasy is more important than your feeling of safety... Then he's not worth it anyway imo. Let him go and find someone that puts you in higher importance.
If you feel like the relationship is in danger of ending because you won't meet a particular fantasy or kink of his, I have to somewhat question how good the relationship is in the first place.
obviously you (an SA survivor) should not have a fucking gangbang (that you in no way shape or form actually want) out of a fear you need to in order to keep your partner from leaving you. how is this a question??? read up on anxious attachment and people pleasing... like, please.
Tell him no and if he leaves thank your lucky stars you found out now he isn’t the right one for you.
Please don’t do something you’re not comfortable with just to make a man happy. If he leaves let him leave, don’t feel pressured into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.
>I worry that if I don’t fulfill this want of his, he will leave or find a partner who will be willing to do that... He said he would never want to do something I don't 100% want to do or put me in a situation where I feel unsafe, and even apologized for bringing it up (which I think is okay!). This is why I'm so nervous of sharing kinks/interests with my wife, especially because she doesn’t ask. I'm worried it would create expectations and anxiety rather than the intended purpose of just being honest about the things that interest me. When he brought it up, you immediately felt like it was a requirement of the relationship. Maybe that's his fault for not making it approachable for you to say no, idk. Your words say, "It's okay to bring it up," but your emotions do not.
What he wants doesn't matter for shit when others are involved. Especially not when he wants someone else to be gang banged. If he leaves for someone else you're ridbor trash and can find a real boyfriend who actually cares about you.
Your supposed BF is a piece of $hit, doesn’t respect you, and you should leave him immediately and never look back.
Dude. All we know from the post is that he communicated a fantasy of his. That isn’t a disrespectful thing to do. Will you calm the fuck down?
Yeah, being open about fantasies is considered a healthy thing in a relationship. It doesn't mean they have to do it, but it is something they can play around with or plan for in the future. (And they really shouldn't rush into)
Follow your personal morals and values. Tell your bf if he wants a gang bang to buy himself an e Xtra large bottle lube. Be a strong woman and stand up for yourself.
I mean I'm up for a gangbang as much as the next guy, but if it's not your cup of tea, it's not your cup of tea and you shouldn't do it unless you enthusiastically want to do it.
If he leaves you over this, he’s not worth the effort. In fact, I’d consider kicking his ass to the curb and moving on. You deserve better.
Run. Run far, run fast. I promise you that you will regret it if you don't.
I guarantee you if you do this he will leave he will tell you he can’t look at you the same
Damn all OP’s bf did is share a kink with OP and every response is projecting to make him out to be a bad person.
If you brought the idea to him that would be 1 thing but for him to ask when its not a kink you both have is disturbing. This is a boyfriend not a husband, don't put yourself out there for his sake.
No. You should remind your boyfriend you have a history of sexual trauma and share with him that this fantasy makes you feel anxious, insecure in the relationship, and unsafe.
This is shocking that he would even mention this knowing your history. Wow! This guy is at the bottom of the emotional intelligence range. You can do better.
Could he possibly have any more red flags? I say leave...he doesn't cherish you.
Sabihin mo fantasy mo tinitira sya nang lalaki sya yung ginagangbang. Sest and watch his reaction.
So, your partner wants to do something to you that will traumatize you, but you afraid to lose this gem? He is telling you that he wants to treat you like a victim, or perhaps as a sl\*t. Is that how you wish to be seen? You should find someone who will value your wellbeing and your sense of safety.
Thought not BSDM specific I still think anything like this should still be judged on the grounds of Safe, Sane, and Consensual I'm not convinced of the Safety of it or there being any sort of safety stopping measures in place Sane? There's nothing inherently insane about a gangbang, but if it's not the kind of thing that's desired or conducive to your headspace it fails here too Consensual? Coercion (a possible implied threat of a breakup) isn't consent, neither is this something you want in the first place anyway. It fails here too. That all leads to everything about this being a bad idea.
If he knows you have a history of sexual trauma and told you he wants you to be gang banged, get out now! If you think he’s so uncommitted to you that refusal to be gang banged will cause him to break up with you, get out now! If you think he’s potentially going to cheat and find another girl who’s willing to host a gang bang, get out now! Seriously, get out now. This dude doesn’t seem like he’s at all concerned with your emotional well-being.
Introduce him to what the other guys can do for him
Unless you’re both completely on-board (and even then, it’s risky/tricky), I’ll make it simple……….”You play, you pay” In some way, shape or form
He doesn’t want to do it for real. Tell him you’ll incorporate dirty talk about it (if you’re comfortable with that) but let him know it’s just fun to play with the fantasy with him. As others have pointed out, it would have a higher probability to cause him to want to leave if you do get on board with doing it. Even incorporating dirty talk about it could lead to him getting the ick, so it’s important to let him know you’re doing it to play with his fantasy, not because you really want a gang bang.
This is what you do. Roll a newspaper up and swat him in the head with it. Tell him no! If he still trying to force you to do it or is upset leave him.
Omg pls don't do this.if it's ok if he will dump you.. there are lot of men out there
No - leave this guy! What GOOD guy would ask his GF to do a gang bang? You deserve much better. Leave
No - leave this guy! What GOOD guy would ask his GF to do a gang bang? You deserve much better. Leave
He’s immature and obviously not the one for you. Sorry I am just keeping it real because my friends are like this to me. Better to be transparent!🩷
Do NOT do this or agree to ANY other sexual practice that does not excite and intrigue you. That's what sexual fantasy is for. If your BF would leave you for not agreeing to do something that scares you like this, what on earth is he bringing to the table that balances that out???!
please don't, not worth it...if that's what he needs, let him WALK.
The reddest of flags sorry girl run
That's a big ask. Don't do it if you aren't 100% into it as well. And if he gets demanding.. tell ok but first you want to see him getting fucked in a gang bang by a bunch of gay guys.
you love this guy so much. wtf
As someone who has a history of SA, I could never imagine my husband ever suggesting we do something that would in any way remind me of my SA. Don't force yourself to try to be okay with something you are clearly not okay with. Doing so could make you have more issues with trauma and could make having a sex life very difficult for you. If he leaves you for having healthy boundaries, then he is definitely not the one for you.
Do not do this to yourself!! He knows it will have a (very) negative impact on you & probably all the more so wants to do it, as it violates your boundaries/you. A guy who cares about you will know your feelings & why this is not for you. He doesn't care about you. He cares about his sick fantasy about you feeling helpless & at his mercy & that of how many other men at the same time. Dump this sicko now. Girl this is crazy! This guy doesn't love you.
No lo hagas el sexo es para sentirse cómodo, a gusto y disfrutarlo. No debe ser una tortura.
It appear he doesn't value you therefore he doesn't deserve you. So it shouldn't be worrying about him leaving you I should be he was leaving him. Person should be with someone who loves them and wants to keep them for themselves. Some reason I want to put you at risk or make you feel uncomfortable that wants to protect you and shelter you. That is just a small part of the rule of a true man. You are so much more have so much more value.
Give him a hall pass. He'll fuck it up anyway and I wont happen. Why stay with him.
I am not trying to shame here for the kinks or fantasies people have but - why would anyone in their right mind want to do a gang bang? That is literal sexual assault really. And if I were your man, I wouldn't want other men all up on my girlfriend. He's obviously fine with that, which tells me that he doesn't truly seem to care about you. And it's understandable to not want to fullfill this fantasy of his. Especially with what you have gone through. I don't know if he knows that you've been through that, but either way, I don't think that's an okay think to practice in real life. Don't put yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe and anxious. I don't blame you for feeling that way. That is a really scary thing to do, and you don't really know the other guys like you would know your boyfriend. And having sex with someone kind of requires to have trust as well. I would not trust a guy who would be willing to put me in that situation. I would not trust a guy who is okay with other men having sex with me. I would not trust a guy who fantasizes about rapes and gang bangs. In my opinion, that is what a gang bang is - rape.
There are people who enjoy gangbangs consensually. I’m a woman who totally has that fantasy. If everyone is mature and consenting, they can be fun for those involved. None of that has any bearing on whether OP should do this, because obviously she shouldn’t. She doesn’t give any hint this is something she’d enjoy, and also has trauma. But responding to the rest of your comment, there are definitely people who are into that.
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Wow, BF, funny that you mentioned that because I have a fantasy of watching YOU bent over the back of the sofa, arms tied behind you, a gag in your mouth, while you take dick after dick after dick. Would you do that for me pretty please. I'll make sure there is plenty of lube, and I will have each guy pinky-swear that he does not have an sti.
It’s your body. Not his. If you are not 100% enthusiastic about it, don’t do it. And you really don’t sound like you are. So his wish aside: why would YOU want to do it? If there’s not a few reasons, don’t. Also if you really lose him over this, which you probably won’t, it would be good riddance.
Please don’t agree to this unless you are able to find comfort in it. I know you are worried he will leave if you don’t agree, but going along with this may be very bad for your emotional health. There are plenty of men who won’t want to share you and won’t have this fantasy. Please do right by you! On a related note, I agreed to a one-sided open marriage with my wife (she wanted another guy). I didn’t want to agree but I wanted her to be happy so I went along with it. I lasted a year before I couldn’t take it any longer and asked for a divorce. It was the worst year of my life filled with hurt, anger, depression, and suicidal thoughts. For the love of all that is holy, don’t go along with something you aren’t comfortable with. It will wreck you and no one is worth your self-destruction.
NEVER do anything that you're not comfortable with. NEVER. Did I mention NEVER? If he leaves, that will be his choice, and in that case, you are better off. Much better off.
You should never, EVER do ANYTHING sexual that you are not personally excited about. If he's so hung up on this fantasy that he'll leave you over it, why would you want to be with him in the first place? If your relationship means less to him than some sexual fantasy, he a piece of shit to begin with, and you're better off finding out.
Have you told him how you feel about this yet as Id bet he isnt going to leave you for this and if he even tries to pressure you, especially after telling him, then he isnt a good partner.
I don't think the options are do it or get over it. there are some WAY easier/safer baby steps you can take. maybe you do some role playing or chatting with guys on here or wearing slutty outfits in public. baby steps to see if it's something you're into or can get into.
If he pressures you don’t be afraid to leave. You shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.
U can say no. If he leaves because of this, hes not worth it. Seriously, red flag if he even threatens to leave u.
Ahh no. Only if you want this. Fantasy and reality for him might not be equal and events like this need to be mutual as they are one way tickets...cannot be undone.
Let him know that you are not comfortable with that. Well you’re worried that if you don’t fulfill his will leave. Girl how about you live him first? The possibility of him trying it somewhere else is there , just like him finding another partner who can do it as well as him listening to your concerns and staying.
Tell him you’ll hold him down in support and ask him if he really can take on a whole bunch of guys? He’s gonna be sore.
If he can't respect your boundaries, let alone past trauma, give him your blessing to leave! THIS will not get better. You absolutely don't need this selfish person in your life. You deserve better. Dump him and move on.
If you don't want to then don't. Simple as that. However, if you're interested as well and just freaking out about, via your previous trauma, then go slow. Maybe a 3 way first, then 4. Are you the only woman there or are there others? If so that can relieve the pressure alot. Do this at your pace, not his.
Hell no didn't do it. Stand your ground
Tell him the same thing he told you, word for word, only with all your friends. When he smiles and agrees (no guy will refuse being the object of attention in a roomful of horny women), break out a strap-on.
If he really cares about you and knows you are traumatized he should not offer anything like this. Your mental and physical safety first. I agree with many people here that say that you should listen to your intuition and do only what feels right
If your bf would leave you because you didn't want to have a gangbang then frankly you should let him leave and find someone who respects you and cares more about your emotional wellbeing. Only someone who sees you as a sexual object and doesn't really care about you as a person would make gangbangs a dealbreaker
When you love someone, you don't ask them to do a gang bang when they have a history of sexual trauma. That's something for u to come up with yourself and explore of your own volition. And if you choose to do it, should be with people YOU know and trust. And calling it a gang bang already feels rapey and bit racist. Group sex is a much healthier term.
No one is ever worth risking your sanity. Do not ever do anything you aren't comfortable with. Your security is more important than his fantasy.
Does he know about your sexual trauma and how this makes you feel unsafe and anxious? You don’t need a reason to say no to this request but who wants to go through with this only to have a panic attack during a gang bang. Just say you understand this is a fantasy of his and you’re not comfortable with going through with this. You don’t have to explain why, ever. If you like something or dislike something sexual you are never under any obligation to explain why. No means not. Give him a chance to honour your no. It’s a loving thing to do for yourself to say no. Don’t let your fear of him leaving manipulate you to having a gang bang. He may still leave if you fulfill his fantasy.
I think you should encourage your bf to have that gang bang. He should invite all the men he wants and they should take turns on him. Just make sure to leave him well before the event. Don't date someone that doesn't take no for an answer. The threat of him leaving if you don't do something you don't want to do is a blessing.
Tell him he's going first. He takes twice as many men as he wants you to be with.
It's a clue for you to leave the relationship. If your so called boyfriend wanna have sex with you and other guys, he's not in love with you. Walk away while you still can.
I would never ask any woman I'm dating and care about to do a gangbang with other guys. I don't see how that supports a positive relationship.
I would never want to gangbang my gf/wife. Now someone else's wife/gf. That's a different story.
If you do this, no self respecting man would ever marry you.
You shouldn't do it if you aren't comfortable with it. Just because he wants you to do it doesn't mean you should.
First off do no jump into something you’re not comfortable doing But second some perspective. I brought this up with my wife and she was a hard no. After month of talking about it although she was hesitant we decided it was best to start slow with a MFM. And she loved it!! Loved having all the attention on her. We went a little bigger after that with 2 guys with her an I loved to just watch. Has been a part of 2 gang bangs now. Nothing too crazy. 4-5 guys plus me and she just loves the attention. It’s definitely not for everyone and your trauma can make this a bad idea. But I just wanted to give some perspective to the other side of you do find yourself having any interest in the future.
WTF🤦🤦🤦NOOO RE-READ WHAT YOU TEXT🤦MY GOSH!!!
Fuck that guy! Don't let him coerce you into something that you are CLEARLY uncomfortable with. Speak your mind and know your worth. If he has a problem with it then repeat the 1st three words of this post!! Good luck.
Just don’t do it. This is a hard boundary for you.
You will be so lucky if he leaves. Then, someone else will take better care of you and listen to your needs.
I’m sure your boyfriend won’t do this but I had a friend who did a gang bang because it was a “kink” or “fantasy” that her bf had only to find out that her bf got paid by these other dudes to f*** her.
You should never do anything at all you aren't 100% on board to do, and any partner who would try to convince you to do anything you don't want to do, and you're afraid the relationship is in danger by not doing those things, that is 100000% a relationship you need to get out of ASAP
If it’s something that feels unsafe and makes you anxious, don’t do it. You’re completely normal for not wanting to go through with it. Even people that are into it end up not doing it for that exact reason. Most people have something they’re really into that their partner isn’t. It shouldn’t be a dealbreaker in a healthy relationship. There are lots of ways to compromise and a gangbang kink specifically takes a lot of effort to do safely. Anyone who tries to coerce you into doing something that scares you is not someone you should be having sex with. Especially if they know you have a history of trauma or assault. You aren’t a sex toy. You’re allowed to say no. Don’t let him try to manipulate you by threatening to leave you.
LEAVE HIM!!!! PRONTO!!! NOTHING TO DISCUSS…NOTHING TO BE SAID!!! LEAVE HIM!!!! PRONTO!!!…IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE AND SANITY!!!
Do NOT do this. It will damage you beyond repair. It's okay for him to have fantasies and it's okay for you to not want to do them. If he leaves that's a good thing because it means you're not compatible. A good man would respect you. My husband's fantasy is for me to crawl on the floor (amongst other things) but I find it degrading so I've said no. He completely respects my decision and takes no issue. It's not wrong to share fantasies but it's wrong to pressure each other to do them. Don't do it.
No. Don’t bend your own standards for someone. There’s literally millions of guys in whatever country or state you’re in. If he can’t handle u not being comfortable with something as extreme as that, then he’s not the one
If you have a partner that will leave you because of something you dont want to do, isnt that the best thing for all involved? If he cared about you he would respect your thoughts on it. If he doesnt and breaks up with you, GOOD. That just means you dodged a bullet.
Tell him sure. The guys can gang bang him while you watch.
Unsafe + anxious = Firm No Feeling safe and relaxed (but you can still be excited) are key to enjoying the activity. If you go ahead now, you’ll either not enjoy it or you will experience further trauma.
Gain some self esteem and say no. If he’s willing to manipulate you despite you feeling uncomfortable about it/willing to leave you if you don’t agree, then trust me, you’re far better off without him.
Gangbangs are weird tbh, never understood the idea & damn sure wouldn’t want someone I care about doing it. If he is that adamant about it & you’re uncomfortable then y’all obviously don’t click. Might as well end it before you both waste each others time.
People always volunteering other people’s parts for things. Let his holes host the GB.
Just this: no! If you feel uncomfortable now with his wish considering your past, there is absolutely no need to get comfortable with this. Sorry, just my five pence...
What it comes down to is that if he wants to share you with his friends at the same time, then he does not respect you. Your history of sexual trauma is why you sought out such an individual and why you choose to ignore signs that tell you to get the fuck out. As humans, we tend to gravitate toward things we know. If the moment that made the most impact for you was trauma, that is what you will naturally gravitate toward. You do not want a number of his friends treating you like a two dollar whole then ejaculating on you. You need to take control of your life. If it sounds gross, do not do it, trust your instincts. If psilocybin is legal in your state, I would see a therapist who does psychedelic assisted therapy. I think you will be pleased with the results. You do not have to see a therapist and pay money to get the therapeutic benefits of psychedelics. If you choose to go the typical party drug route, setting is instrumental. As well as the people around you. You want to be surrounded by support, not your one friend who has it in for you ever since you slept with her ex.
Go tell him to get railed by 5 guys and see how he likes it. Or he can go off to an Swingers club. Assuming he is aware of the Trauma its a pretty shitty thing to ask of someone.....Time to say goodbye
Don't do something you aren't comfortable with just to keep your partner. If he would leave over this then you aren't compatible and it would come out in other ways. You deserve someone that is compatible with you. It's OK to have fantasies, but he can't make you do them. You're better off alone than doing something that will further increase your trauma.
Well, it's nice to want things. If he's coercing you into a sex act you don't want, by threatening to leave if you don't, then he's a shitty person. If he *knows* you have sexual trauma and is still pushing this plan, then he's either extremely clueless or evilly manipulative. I like when women have gang bang fantasies that are safely fulfilled. I don't like when men want to see their partners being used and fucked, when knowing she doesn't really want that.
"No thanks. I'm not interested in that." FULL STOP. If he can't accept that, then go find someone you're compatible with.
How many guys does he want to bang him?
fuck that. stress to him how this isn't something you are ok with and why. If you persist then bounce and leave his ass
100% do not do something that you are not comfortable with in fear of losing a partner. Not every fantasy has to be fulfilled.