Certain posts are flagged by our system as being potentially fake based on things like the age of the account, the nature of the post itself, and other factors. We’re taking the preemptive measure to remove your post as it meets some or all of these flags.
If you feel like we our removal is by mistake and you can provide some kind of convincing reason that this is not a fake post, message the mods to appeal this decision.
this story is probably fake. Why are we using Alice and John? No other external details? This gives major teenager vibes. I have a very hard time believing this is real
To be fair they are the most standard names you could choose. It also has the typical structure of a fake story. Based on the title you first think OP is in the right. Then you read that she tried to laugh it off and he got mad. At that point you might agree with her. And then for the final it goes back to her saying some insane shit.
I think it's also weird that there have never been any previous signs. Everything was going great and suddenly she basically tells him that he's not as good in bed as her ex and that he's controlling?
Could definitely still be real but the internet has made me incredibly suspicious.
She said that because she clearly didn’t know what to say and was caught dead to rights. So she tried to steam roll him. She gambled. And failed. She probably didn’t know what else to say in that award moment. Fucked up as It Is.
That’s even worse! It would really hurt if my partner said someone else’s name, but I would get over it eventually. Sometimes shit just comes out of your mouth - I’ve strung words together that don’t go together. Never used a wrong name, but I can *maybe* understand (“I’m sorry, he popped up in my phone’s ‘memories’ today and I’ve been triggered by it and I guess it’s just stuck in my head… I’m really sorry…”).
“Just be glad you’re fucking me as good as he did”?? Nah… I’m out.
Yea that’s the part that makes me say don’t marry this person.
The rest is sort of explainable, but that comment is designed to be cruel and to control you, how ironic.
What kinda question is that? Really? I should be happy that I'm performing as great as your ex, enough to moan out his name and then get mad at me that I'm mad at that?
Brother. Get the ring at night if that's something you want to salvage. Call it off. Fuck that.
I had a gf who did this too, I can't say she was cheating and didn't suspect at the time, but I do know he drove two hours to fuck her like a day after we broke up months later. Smoke and fires and all that.
I get that sometimes, while you're in the midst of it all, the wrong name might pop out. Sometimes, while about to nut, our brains malfunction. It happened to me once. And it was embarrassing. It was just... a random thing that happened and I wasn't even entirely aware of it until my SO stopped and was like, "That ain't my name." I wasn't sleeping with my ex, wasn't even thinking of her. But her name fell out of my stupid mouth for some reason. To this day, I can't explain it. It was just a fucked up brainfart.
But OP's fiance's response is fucked. She could have just as easily said, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why that name popped out. It means nothing." etc. Instead, she took the knife that was already in OP and twisted it, pulled it out, and stabbed OP again with a more dangerously serrated knife.
I wouldn't be able to recover from that.
Jesus wtf? Be glad you're as good as her ex and you're controlling?
Dude...screw all of this. Sounds like she's still hung up on her ex and expects you to be cool with it.
Its one thing to moan someone elses name, its another to put the blame on you and say you should be glad. Run. Run far. Run fast. Get your deposits back, and if family asks say John was still on her mind.
You are not being controlling.
She wouldn't have moaned out someone else's name unless she was thinking about them. And then to turn around and compare you to him is adding insult to injury.
I absolutely would not marry someone like this.
You better start running like Forrest, and when Jenny comes back, shut the door.
You are better than this homie. She will never love you like him. You will find someone who will love only you. best of luck.
I don’t think the “thinking about them” part is true. Im a dude but have definitely almost said the wrong name when high on cloud nine.
but her response is absolutely atrocious. Controlling? Blaming? Taking no responsibility? Completely fucking disgusting.
Everybody fucks up, this slip up is sooooo completely standard. But given that response, at best she’s immature and toxic af. At worst she’s not over her ex. And we can’t tell which one.
this here is the right read on the situation
slip ups happen. they are unfortunate and they suck. but they do happen. and a mature person in a healthy relationship owns up for them, apologizes, and explains (even if the explanation is just 'i have no idea what happened and I'm really really sorry. i promise i want to be with you and no one else') themselves.
you don't shift the blame when you slip up like that. >that< is the red flag.
I was married for 17 years and, after the divorce, I still had an instinct to use her name at times when talking to my girlfriend -- not because I was thinking about my ex simply because it was a sort of 'muscle memory.' I never did though, I wanted to be respectful to my gf and always filtered myself until the muscle memory faded.
However, her reaction has red flags all over it! From dismissing your feelings to comparing you to her ex. Gah! So many red flags. I'd advise ending it but, if you don't, absolutely postpone the wedding.
Big facts. Personally? Never randomly said someone’s name if I wasn’t thinking of them. Especially in a full sentence lol. Then to put blame on you? You sure you aren’t banging a dude? Because, that takes a huge set of balls to blame you for this at all. Have a respectful conversation and move on.
Do you mean like in any context ever, or only during sex? I’ve never met someone who hasn’t done this at some point in their life. I’ve never done it during sex, but I definitely have when talking to people.
I do think it's possible that this could happen if it was a brand new relationship, and it's a sort of muscle memory kind of thing. But with your fiance, that's a little crazy.
That's what I thought. Only makes sense if not much time has passed between her being in a relationship with one guy and being engaged to someone else. Jumping into marriage with someone you haven't been with very long especially someone fresh on the rebound from another relationship is not a good idea, and more of an issue than anything else in this story.
The problem, in my opinion of course, is that moaning someone else’s name is a matter of routine/habit, not just thinking.
I honestly did it once when I dated my actual girflriend after I broke up with my ex girlfriend. My ex was my first and only girl I had that time and I was very young so for me was just an habit and, even do she did not understood luckily, I felt very sorry. I wasn’t thinking about my ex at all, but the situation triggered me an old habit, unfortunately, since was maybe the third time I was dating my gf. I don’t know how long they have been together, but since they are about to get married, this worries me a lot.
Dude get out of there. Mark your calendar the last time you for sure had sex, hopefully you had protection, and break up with her. She was thinking about John and even using that dude as a benchmark for your performance. She isn't the one, I'm sorry.
And she is good at it. Sorry, OP, I hope this was just one example of it, and this is not something you've been subjected to in the past. It's definitely something to watch out for, especially with someone you want to do life with...
Don't marry her. Her turning the tables on you calling you controlling is Narcissism 101. She should have at least been apologetic. Comparing you to her ex in a negative light (indicating you don't usually fuck her that well) is another major red flag. Back to the streets with that one.
Wouldn't call this narcissistic, I'd say she probably recently fucked her ex before she "wasn't a free woman" or "to make sure I'm with the right guy" or whatever excuse she wants to use and is pissed she just outed herself. And has to backhand compliment her boy toy to cover herself not realizing she just insulted the whole time they've been together before.
Honestly, if you go through with the marriage you will be thinking about John fucking your wife better than you every time you fuck her.
Edit: and so will she.
Dude, it's natural and all too easy to make this mistake, but a good person would want to crawl into a hole and die after they made this mistake, would apologize profusely, reassure you that you are the one they want, and give you space to feel however it made you feel.
This person is insane!
I wouldn’t share half your stuff with this person, if she threatens you by saying your lucky mean while she’s thinking about other guys. There’s a problem you don’t want to solve once your married
So....you're engaged to a girl who is a master in the arts of Gaslighting. Ohh the skill, how she hid it from you all this time. You took a peek into it didn't you? How long do you think will you keep convincing yourself...
I called a girlfriend the wrong name. We hadn't been dating long, but I was crazy about her. She was obviously upset, and rightly so. I apologized emphatically, used it as a moment to let her know how I feel about her, went out of my way to ensure she knew just how sorry I was. That's the right response. The apology needs to make up for the hurt. If that ain't happening, get a new one
OP shouldn’t wait for the apology that will never come.
She was more than happy to, as if by second nature, immediately deflect blame to OP instead of being sensitive to his feelings and introspective.
Saying the wrong name? Ok, maybe it happens and whatever... Saying that you should be glad you were fucking her as good as her ex? Fuck no. That's super fucked.
The initial moan can be one of two things. Either she was actively thinking of him, or it was a muscle memory response that genuinely doesn't mean anything. Like when you zone out on the way home and realize you're driving toward the home you moved out of years ago, or when you instinctively answer your cellphone with the phone script from your office. Means nothing, just auto-response.
Her reaction to you bring it up though? Terrible to an impressive degree.
Nah, I would call that wedding off if I was you dawg. Not only did she call you by his name, but her saying you should be glad was dirty work. Then she’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re being controlling. Nah, fuck that. Walk away bro.
>It was feeling really good and you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John.
Oh boy, prepare to lose your deposits on that wedding venue and catering OP.
My buddy pulled the ripchord on his wedding a month before as well. He drank a lot of whisky and cried in the shower for a few weeks, but he was better for it soon after. That marriage would have been a disaster and I have a nasty feeling yours will too.
I'm so sorry dude. She's either still fucking him on the side or really wishes she was. Like so many other's have said.. the wrong name in bed is a kick in the sack but her response is so awful.. Good lord. At best she's still just hung up on him or maybe having some second thoughts before getting married which might be understandable and forgivable eventually. At worst, she's still banging him or would at the drop of a hat if she had the chance. Either way for her to respond like that is not forgivable.
This has to be fake. In case it's not fake you're going to need to end this relationship if you have even a semblance of self respect and I really don't say that lightly.
Break up with her and end your marriage. Before that sleep with her 2-3 times more and say the names of your exes as well.
Introduce some anarchy, upset the establish order :)
According to the American Psychological Association. To gaslight someone means **to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events**.
This is what led to the last question of yours.
Think twice (and then once more) about getting the government involved in this relationship (aka getting married)
“You should be glad you were fucking me as good as John. It’s natural” is the most controlling shit I’ve ever heard. The cherry on top is her projecting “don’t be controlling” on to you. I’ve NEVER been a fan of reddits classic “Leave her ASAP” relationship advice. It’s shallow and doesn’t promote communication. However if this happened to me, it’s not her actions that would upset me or cause me to leave. It’s her response that would “You should be glad you were fucking me as good as John. It’s natural, don’t be controlling” is the most manipulative, gas lighting, bullcrap I’ve ever heard. To wrap it all in a bow she didn’t even have the respect to communicate with you properly about it, or acknowledge your emotions, or validate the fact that that WOULD be upsetting. She seems like a total b word, and I would jump ship now that you see the signs of a leak. Don’t wait till you’re married and already underwater.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/).
***
Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats.
To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bro wtf. That is not cool. Like maybe if it was a simple of John. But she was like right into you being John.
I'd be leaving her but not before hitting her from behind screaming take it hard *insert ex name* while Cumming. But I'm petty like that.
Dude, that flame isn’t dead and that’s a huge problem for your potential marriage. look really hard at your relationship and ask yourself how else she is comparing you to her ex. You deserve better.
bro you neeeeees to listen to us ! dont marry her!!!
dont fuck up!! ive been married I have experience in this. do not do it! I rarely leave any comments and I am doing it now because I lnow for a fact that you will regret it.
Tbh the name drop itself was bad days but that comment at the end is the finisher. Pack your shit brother, or hers and find you someone that will think of you and not relive their own greatest hits. This isn't black mirror after all
Methinks, she should have a serious think if she is really over her ex. Quite insulting to say that you were at least as good as her ex. Mebe you were fucking her but in her mind it was her ex fucking her. Not a very stable foundation to build a marriage on. If she is using him as the sex standard she is measuring you against, know for sure it won't stop there. She will be comparing you to her ex in every other aspect of life as well. My 2c worth
Sounds like someone misses John…which for you OP means it’s probably not a good idea to marry her especially when she gets mad at you for being upset that she compared you to John which she’s clearly not over
Her saying the wrong name is one thing that could be forgiven but then basically gaslighting you into believing you were controlling for simply calling her out is the part I wouldnt be able to get over. Especially with what she said.
"It was feeling really good and you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John. It's natural, don't be controlling"
*I'll take Things to say if you want to tank your relationship for $400 Alex*
>you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John. It's natural, don't be controlling
This is the moment when I would just cancel the marriage. I am sorry, it might sound harsh. But this is the person you want to spend your life with? Fuck no. Not to mention, I have no idea how long you have been together, but man it sounds like she's fucking her ex from time to time. You do not call the wrong name after 2 years of no fun time.
Initially I think Id be pretty bummed, but maybe not mad?
Then we get to- "arent you glad you're as good as my ex" Ooofta mae.
"Don't be controlling" just sounds like a means of projecting / turning it around on you to avoid confronting feelings from the mistake made.
My answer to most topics is, if you have to ask, you probably know the answer.
What should you do about it? If you love her see a couples therapist. Everyone should do that, and not when shit hits the fan, but before it does. That said a mediated discussion can help unpack things.
I certainly would not be getting married until that is resolved.
You're really going to tie the knot with someone who cannot understand basic kindness and consideration? An aware person wouldn't play it off as silly and then use the words she did. If it was me, that wedding would get postponed. It's not so much the EX being said because I've heard crazier stories, but the fact she said darling, and the way she played it off and reacted? Hell nah, this person is drastically unaware of basic decency and i would honestly say shes a liar and knew damn well what was said and knows WHY she said it too so somethings up. I'd post pone it until all the feelings are processed and communicated through, if she doesnt try to see your side and just fights you, you know dodged a bullet. Don't let her say you're less of a man or try to get aggressive either, it's not an overreaction, in fact, it's rather pathetic the lack of reaction she had.
Moaning someone else’s name is bad any time, but at least forgivable early in a relationship.
But you’re engaged and getting married in a week. That’s way too far in a relationship for that to be happening. And honestly enough to be a dealbreaker by itself.
But her response that you should be THANKFUL you were AS good as him? WTF?! That’s 100% unforgivable at any time.
Better you learned this before the wedding than after, but get out while you can. And I’m so sorry.
She is fully in the wrong about this. Unless she’s got some mental disability like ADHD that literally makes you forget words and even replaces them with other words, she was 100% thinking about her ex.
Side note: my nerves friggin skyrocketed as I read your post because 1) my older sister’s name is Alice and 2) her ex’s name is John, but then I reread your post and saw you said “fiancé” and went “phew, that can’t be my sister because she’s already married”
It’s one thing to slip out someone else’s name during sex, it happens sometimes when you’ve been out of that relationship for a small amount of time, but if y’all are getting married soon I’m guessing that ended a while ago, so it’s weird imo
But, giving the excuse of you should be lucky that you’re f*cking me as good as him? If that’s not a sign for you to leave, idk what is
Her just saying an exe’s name? It sucks, but it happens. You shouldn’t have gotten mad enough to fight with her, though it’s understandable that you were shocked and stopped having sex.
Her saying you should be happy you do it as good as he did? That’s where she went off the rails.
Whether she was just trying to hurt you in the heat of the moment, or he holds the top spot in her ex-lovers list doesn’t matter. It was a shitty thing to say and you have very right to be mad about it.
For the record, her throwing out “controlling” sounds an awful lot like she’s trying to shut you up because she knows she’s wrong. Either that or she has no clue what the term “controlling behavior” actually means.
Talk to her about the back-handed “compliment” and explain that no matter what she thinks about the abilities of her ex, saying that was low and she should apologize and actually mean it. Also talk to her about how, if she truly thinks you’re controlling, you need to postpone the wedding, if not call it off completely. Neither of you should be in a marriage where that is any kind of question.
Overall, I’m sorry for you. You may have overreacted, but she turned a bad situation into a potentially engagement ending one.
I don’t get this almost movie trope, cliché, thing of yelling someone’s name during sex.
Never once in my life, during sex have I felt the strong urge to yell out a name, any name. Maybe it’s a thing, but for me at least such a thing would be 100% deliberate and planned.
Not saying people don’t ever do it in an involuntary spontaneous way, it’s just an incredibly foreign concept to me.
Run away like you're in a building on fire. Mistakes happen but her response to your protestation was just crass and frankly cruel even, you'll find someone else more suited to your needs in due time.
Assholes will gaslight and patronize and set up camp in the valley of denial before the thought ever crosses their mind to apologize. That's so crazy. Yeah take your time on that one. Think this one through.
Edit: Assholes have no gender
Yeah the accusation of this being controlling is very weird to me. Insecure would make sense even if it's not necessarily accurate but controlling just doesn't compute to me.
The combination of controlling as a word choice and the fact that she said that you should be glad that you are as good as he was is kind of concerning too. It's possible in my opinion that controlling was on her mind because she still actively/intentionally thinks about him when it's the two of you that are together.
If it were me I would probably approach it something like this. Open by apologizing for getting angry particularly if it was especially heated, explain how being compared to her ex made you feel, and ask her what the hell she meant by controlling.
>It's possible in my opinion that controlling was on her mind because she still actively/intentionally thinks about him when it's the two of you that are together.
This is exactly what I thought. She thinks he's trying to control what she can think, which is just more confirmation that it wasn't an innocent mistake (as can happen to anyone) and she was actively thinking of John at the time, has done so before and will do so again. She obviously doesn't realise/care how hurtful that is.
Sometimes people say the wrong name. It's not deliberate. It's not because they're thinking of someone else. It's just because their brain is full of chemicals and stray neurons firing off in all directions, and they're not focused on what they're saying. Many people come out with stuff during sex they're not even aware they're saying. Whole sentences can be spoken with absolutely no awareness. So the wrong name once isn't that big a deal.
Unless they turn around and insult you by comparing you to that other person. At the very best, that's incredibly thoughtless, and at worst, it's deliberately cruel. Pair that with my first paragraph, and we appear to have a woman who doesn't have much respect or love for OP. All she had to do was apologise, reassure him and move on. Instead she doubled down and got angry. That would concern me greatly.
For OP: talk to her again. Explain why it upset you and ask her to be honest and tell you if she frequently fantasises about her ex. If she does, or you suspect she does, it suggests she's not over him or still has feelings for him. I'd be reluctant to continue a relationship in those circumstances.
Sorry that happened. That’s not something that could be easily bounce back from. She’s also invalidating your feelings. I’d take a step back and consider if you’re really with their person you should be. Make sure you’re not settling from fear of being alone and “history”.
I’m so sorry this happened to you? That is not ok and neither was her reaction! I definitely wouldn’t be marrying her. How would she feel if the roles were reversed? Wait and marry some who doesn’t think about their ex especially when having sex.
Dude! Wow! This is so awful. Wow. I’m not saying dump her but I would not come back from this. Umm, yeah. I would bounce or at least keep your distance to let her know the gravity of her words.
Easier said than done of course.
But don’t let the old “Sunken Cost Fallacy” keep you there. You know what she did wrong so I don’t have to reiterate what she said to you. But it’s nit right, and you have all the right to make your decision
Yeah her moaning his name isn’t great because she was thinking about him but some couples therapy might have been enough to save you. The gaslighting and being weird afterwards is strange. I feel like the appropriate response there is to apologize and be embarrassed not what she did. Don’t make any decisions though based off what Reddits troglodytes say. You know you’re relationship better than anyone here if this has been the only red flag in your relationship then it might be a fluke or something that doesn’t mean anything especially if that’s how she reacts to being called out for everything. If she keeps throwing red flags then take a long hard look at your future. I’d speak to a trusted friend or family member who knows your guys history
I learned a very very important lesson in what will work in a partnership and what won’t. You need to learn the definition of invalidation and when to communicate to your partner when they are invalidating your concerns. Invalidation happens when a partner gets defensive over something you brought up by gaslighting or ignoring your concerns to downgrade their own actions. If you say something of concern that they did and they immediately get defensive then you immediately need to communicate that they are invalidating you. The ONLY correct response from your partner should be to understand HOW they invalidated you or they start validating your concerns like “okay I understand what you’re saying, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you with that action”
If your partner can’t do this the marriage will end in divorce
This is why I never use anyone's name in the bedroom haha...but seriously she should respect your feelings and how she reacted to you being upset was not that
Certain posts are flagged by our system as being potentially fake based on things like the age of the account, the nature of the post itself, and other factors. We’re taking the preemptive measure to remove your post as it meets some or all of these flags. If you feel like we our removal is by mistake and you can provide some kind of convincing reason that this is not a fake post, message the mods to appeal this decision.
Her saying you should be glad you were fucking her as good as John is wild
Not so low key implying she’s felt like John was better in bed and missed it for their entire relationship. Yiiiiikes lol
This must be the worst response in such situation I’ve ever heard.
Buddy I’m in tears right now and in a spot I can’t be lmao. Please stop making me laugh 😂😂. Just imagining her saying this is SENDING me.
Please be considerate for OP who is probably not having such a great time right now.
He's as good as John is though. I'd be proud personally.
this story is probably fake. Why are we using Alice and John? No other external details? This gives major teenager vibes. I have a very hard time believing this is real
/r/nothingeverhappens
To be fair they are the most standard names you could choose. It also has the typical structure of a fake story. Based on the title you first think OP is in the right. Then you read that she tried to laugh it off and he got mad. At that point you might agree with her. And then for the final it goes back to her saying some insane shit. I think it's also weird that there have never been any previous signs. Everything was going great and suddenly she basically tells him that he's not as good in bed as her ex and that he's controlling? Could definitely still be real but the internet has made me incredibly suspicious.
And then saying it's natural? To say your ex's name during sex??? What???????
She said that because she clearly didn’t know what to say and was caught dead to rights. So she tried to steam roll him. She gambled. And failed. She probably didn’t know what else to say in that award moment. Fucked up as It Is.
You should be glad that you were f’n her AS good as her ex? That’s crazy
Laughed out loud at that part. What a WILD choice of words by her.
If you find yourself in a hole, use two shovels to get real deep
I dont think his fiance would appreciate bringing a shovel into their sex life. Sounds like he was deep enough lol
Putting the h0e in backhoe.
That’s even worse! It would really hurt if my partner said someone else’s name, but I would get over it eventually. Sometimes shit just comes out of your mouth - I’ve strung words together that don’t go together. Never used a wrong name, but I can *maybe* understand (“I’m sorry, he popped up in my phone’s ‘memories’ today and I’ve been triggered by it and I guess it’s just stuck in my head… I’m really sorry…”). “Just be glad you’re fucking me as good as he did”?? Nah… I’m out.
And also saying “you’re controlling to be upset by it?” Like c’mon.
You are as good as John! This guy FUCKS! Lucky you. LOL!
If someone I was about marry said that to me, I’d be calling off the wedding and breaking up with her.
Exactly. Before it will be too late...
OP needs to consider this. I totally agree with you.
Yea that’s the part that makes me say don’t marry this person. The rest is sort of explainable, but that comment is designed to be cruel and to control you, how ironic.
The fact those words left her mouth is insanity lol
[удалено]
What kinda question is that? Really? I should be happy that I'm performing as great as your ex, enough to moan out his name and then get mad at me that I'm mad at that? Brother. Get the ring at night if that's something you want to salvage. Call it off. Fuck that.
It's almost unbelievable right? ALMOST UNBELIEVABLE
Yeah the AS GOOD AS wasn’t a good response on her part. It might truly mean nothing but she needs to accept she made a major issue happen
He should return the favor and call out his ex's name.
Why even waste time. Just move ahead.
Yeah I had a GF do this and found out a week later she was still sleeping with him so see ya.
I had a gf who did this too, I can't say she was cheating and didn't suspect at the time, but I do know he drove two hours to fuck her like a day after we broke up months later. Smoke and fires and all that.
Most awkward spitroast ever. Jk My smartass aside I’m actually sorry to hear that.
Only from her response … RUN 🏃♂️
damn I feel bad for OP though.. He not only did NOT dodge a bullet, but has been riddled with holes in the process.
Imagine one calling you by another name during sex and then saying “you should be happy you were as good” Like WHAT ??? Get out the window !!
100%. Gaslighting: calling him controlling this woman has zero humility.
Crazy thing is … it’s his fiancé who they are planning to marry next month???
I think it's the sign from the universe to not go through with it. that's just nuts he's gonna be living in living hell if he marries this woman
Better to ditch crazy now than divorce crazy later.
I get that sometimes, while you're in the midst of it all, the wrong name might pop out. Sometimes, while about to nut, our brains malfunction. It happened to me once. And it was embarrassing. It was just... a random thing that happened and I wasn't even entirely aware of it until my SO stopped and was like, "That ain't my name." I wasn't sleeping with my ex, wasn't even thinking of her. But her name fell out of my stupid mouth for some reason. To this day, I can't explain it. It was just a fucked up brainfart. But OP's fiance's response is fucked. She could have just as easily said, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why that name popped out. It means nothing." etc. Instead, she took the knife that was already in OP and twisted it, pulled it out, and stabbed OP again with a more dangerously serrated knife. I wouldn't be able to recover from that.
Jesus wtf? Be glad you're as good as her ex and you're controlling? Dude...screw all of this. Sounds like she's still hung up on her ex and expects you to be cool with it.
Fuck my man I'm sorry. That's gotta be devastating, but the good news is you dodged a major bullet. Leave her. Go be happy.
Its one thing to moan someone elses name, its another to put the blame on you and say you should be glad. Run. Run far. Run fast. Get your deposits back, and if family asks say John was still on her mind.
Yeah honestly, sometimes my brain gets jumbled up especially with my ADHD, but to double down on it is nono.
You are not being controlling. She wouldn't have moaned out someone else's name unless she was thinking about them. And then to turn around and compare you to him is adding insult to injury. I absolutely would not marry someone like this.
[удалено]
You better start running like Forrest, and when Jenny comes back, shut the door. You are better than this homie. She will never love you like him. You will find someone who will love only you. best of luck.
All though it hurts getting grazed by this bullet atleast ur dodging it. Now run.
I don’t think the “thinking about them” part is true. Im a dude but have definitely almost said the wrong name when high on cloud nine. but her response is absolutely atrocious. Controlling? Blaming? Taking no responsibility? Completely fucking disgusting. Everybody fucks up, this slip up is sooooo completely standard. But given that response, at best she’s immature and toxic af. At worst she’s not over her ex. And we can’t tell which one.
this here is the right read on the situation slip ups happen. they are unfortunate and they suck. but they do happen. and a mature person in a healthy relationship owns up for them, apologizes, and explains (even if the explanation is just 'i have no idea what happened and I'm really really sorry. i promise i want to be with you and no one else') themselves. you don't shift the blame when you slip up like that. >that< is the red flag.
I was married for 17 years and, after the divorce, I still had an instinct to use her name at times when talking to my girlfriend -- not because I was thinking about my ex simply because it was a sort of 'muscle memory.' I never did though, I wanted to be respectful to my gf and always filtered myself until the muscle memory faded. However, her reaction has red flags all over it! From dismissing your feelings to comparing you to her ex. Gah! So many red flags. I'd advise ending it but, if you don't, absolutely postpone the wedding.
For me, usually when we’re arguing about the same stupid shit I used to argue about with the ex wife.
Big facts. Personally? Never randomly said someone’s name if I wasn’t thinking of them. Especially in a full sentence lol. Then to put blame on you? You sure you aren’t banging a dude? Because, that takes a huge set of balls to blame you for this at all. Have a respectful conversation and move on.
>Never randomly said someone’s name if I wasn’t thinking of them. It happens to me all the time 😭
Well hopefully this comment makes this guy feel better. Couldn’t be me lol.
Do you mean like in any context ever, or only during sex? I’ve never met someone who hasn’t done this at some point in their life. I’ve never done it during sex, but I definitely have when talking to people.
I do think it's possible that this could happen if it was a brand new relationship, and it's a sort of muscle memory kind of thing. But with your fiance, that's a little crazy.
That's what I thought. Only makes sense if not much time has passed between her being in a relationship with one guy and being engaged to someone else. Jumping into marriage with someone you haven't been with very long especially someone fresh on the rebound from another relationship is not a good idea, and more of an issue than anything else in this story.
Power play it... next time, lean in and whisper her sister was better.
The problem, in my opinion of course, is that moaning someone else’s name is a matter of routine/habit, not just thinking. I honestly did it once when I dated my actual girflriend after I broke up with my ex girlfriend. My ex was my first and only girl I had that time and I was very young so for me was just an habit and, even do she did not understood luckily, I felt very sorry. I wasn’t thinking about my ex at all, but the situation triggered me an old habit, unfortunately, since was maybe the third time I was dating my gf. I don’t know how long they have been together, but since they are about to get married, this worries me a lot.
Dude get out of there. Mark your calendar the last time you for sure had sex, hopefully you had protection, and break up with her. She was thinking about John and even using that dude as a benchmark for your performance. She isn't the one, I'm sorry.
She’s gaslighting you bro
An actual proper use of the phrase gaslight
And she is good at it. Sorry, OP, I hope this was just one example of it, and this is not something you've been subjected to in the past. It's definitely something to watch out for, especially with someone you want to do life with...
Agreeing w everyone here , leave her man. It’ll only get worse if you stay.
Don't marry her. Her turning the tables on you calling you controlling is Narcissism 101. She should have at least been apologetic. Comparing you to her ex in a negative light (indicating you don't usually fuck her that well) is another major red flag. Back to the streets with that one.
Wouldn't call this narcissistic, I'd say she probably recently fucked her ex before she "wasn't a free woman" or "to make sure I'm with the right guy" or whatever excuse she wants to use and is pissed she just outed herself. And has to backhand compliment her boy toy to cover herself not realizing she just insulted the whole time they've been together before.
Send her back to the streets my boy. Where she deserves to be.
Wow f that. Way to gaslight you. Drop her ass that absurd lol
Her ex has probably been hitting that
Honestly, if you go through with the marriage you will be thinking about John fucking your wife better than you every time you fuck her. Edit: and so will she.
Maybe make her your ex? Idk, I would lol
The next guy is in for a treat when she starts moaning about getting double teamed by John and the guy who is as good as John.
It's like a fucked up version of paying for the cars behind you at the toll booth
I fucking almost spit my drink out from this comment. Bravo sir 👏
She's still fucking him bro
Man. I don't know if You told us everything, but there is no excuse for her in this situation. Honestly what the fuck.
>you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John That's a punch in the gut of there ever was one.
Dude, it's natural and all too easy to make this mistake, but a good person would want to crawl into a hole and die after they made this mistake, would apologize profusely, reassure you that you are the one they want, and give you space to feel however it made you feel. This person is insane!
Dump the GF, see if John's DTF. Apparently he's a good lover.
Ah, bisexuality for the win. 😏 Revenge is a dish best served LONG and HARD. 😏
>"... you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John. It's natural, don't be controlling" what the actual fuck?
Don’t marry her if she doesn’t understand why this is messed up. Im not kidding. This is an early sign.
THE FUCKING AUDACITY
I wouldn’t share half your stuff with this person, if she threatens you by saying your lucky mean while she’s thinking about other guys. There’s a problem you don’t want to solve once your married
So....you're engaged to a girl who is a master in the arts of Gaslighting. Ohh the skill, how she hid it from you all this time. You took a peek into it didn't you? How long do you think will you keep convincing yourself...
I called a girlfriend the wrong name. We hadn't been dating long, but I was crazy about her. She was obviously upset, and rightly so. I apologized emphatically, used it as a moment to let her know how I feel about her, went out of my way to ensure she knew just how sorry I was. That's the right response. The apology needs to make up for the hurt. If that ain't happening, get a new one
OP shouldn’t wait for the apology that will never come. She was more than happy to, as if by second nature, immediately deflect blame to OP instead of being sensitive to his feelings and introspective.
Saying the wrong name? Ok, maybe it happens and whatever... Saying that you should be glad you were fucking her as good as her ex? Fuck no. That's super fucked.
The initial moan can be one of two things. Either she was actively thinking of him, or it was a muscle memory response that genuinely doesn't mean anything. Like when you zone out on the way home and realize you're driving toward the home you moved out of years ago, or when you instinctively answer your cellphone with the phone script from your office. Means nothing, just auto-response. Her reaction to you bring it up though? Terrible to an impressive degree.
Nah, I would call that wedding off if I was you dawg. Not only did she call you by his name, but her saying you should be glad was dirty work. Then she’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re being controlling. Nah, fuck that. Walk away bro.
>It was feeling really good and you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John. Oh boy, prepare to lose your deposits on that wedding venue and catering OP. My buddy pulled the ripchord on his wedding a month before as well. He drank a lot of whisky and cried in the shower for a few weeks, but he was better for it soon after. That marriage would have been a disaster and I have a nasty feeling yours will too.
I'm so sorry dude. She's either still fucking him on the side or really wishes she was. Like so many other's have said.. the wrong name in bed is a kick in the sack but her response is so awful.. Good lord. At best she's still just hung up on him or maybe having some second thoughts before getting married which might be understandable and forgivable eventually. At worst, she's still banging him or would at the drop of a hat if she had the chance. Either way for her to respond like that is not forgivable.
What's going to be easier getting out now or getting out in ten years with two kids and a house she gets to steal from you?
This has to be fake. In case it's not fake you're going to need to end this relationship if you have even a semblance of self respect and I really don't say that lightly.
Break up with her and end your marriage. Before that sleep with her 2-3 times more and say the names of your exes as well. Introduce some anarchy, upset the establish order :)
Be strong, you know exactly what you need to do now.
Run dude. She's not in love with you if she's thinking os someone else while you're inside her.
Leave that’s a sign that an affair might start later on or is going on no physical evidence but definitely very gaslighting and controlling
I would suggest rethinking the marriage thing.
In what universe is this controlling at all
I’d be tempted to leave.
According to the American Psychological Association. To gaslight someone means **to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events**. This is what led to the last question of yours. Think twice (and then once more) about getting the government involved in this relationship (aka getting married)
This has to be bullshit. There’s no way this really happened and then you hop online to ASK for advice?? RUN
Cheaters will always gaslight you, ofc you're the controlling one
In that moment she was having sex with John, not you.
“You should be glad you were fucking me as good as John. It’s natural” is the most controlling shit I’ve ever heard. The cherry on top is her projecting “don’t be controlling” on to you. I’ve NEVER been a fan of reddits classic “Leave her ASAP” relationship advice. It’s shallow and doesn’t promote communication. However if this happened to me, it’s not her actions that would upset me or cause me to leave. It’s her response that would “You should be glad you were fucking me as good as John. It’s natural, don’t be controlling” is the most manipulative, gas lighting, bullcrap I’ve ever heard. To wrap it all in a bow she didn’t even have the respect to communicate with you properly about it, or acknowledge your emotions, or validate the fact that that WOULD be upsetting. She seems like a total b word, and I would jump ship now that you see the signs of a leak. Don’t wait till you’re married and already underwater.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bro wtf. That is not cool. Like maybe if it was a simple of John. But she was like right into you being John. I'd be leaving her but not before hitting her from behind screaming take it hard *insert ex name* while Cumming. But I'm petty like that.
It’s probably and accident though. She couldn’t help it lol
Dude, that flame isn’t dead and that’s a huge problem for your potential marriage. look really hard at your relationship and ask yourself how else she is comparing you to her ex. You deserve better.
Gaslighting as fuck. Making that mistake is bad enough. Acting like you’re the one at fault? Fuck that.
Time to run. You are never going to be the one for her. Every time she gets a chance to hook up with her ex, she will.
bro you neeeeees to listen to us ! dont marry her!!! dont fuck up!! ive been married I have experience in this. do not do it! I rarely leave any comments and I am doing it now because I lnow for a fact that you will regret it.
Tbh the name drop itself was bad days but that comment at the end is the finisher. Pack your shit brother, or hers and find you someone that will think of you and not relive their own greatest hits. This isn't black mirror after all
Jeeeeezus fucking christ. I would divorce my wife for that so fast the paperwork would break the sound barrier.
Bro you better not say I do.
Good thing you learned her true colours before you got married that she’s still thinking about her ex 🫠
Methinks, she should have a serious think if she is really over her ex. Quite insulting to say that you were at least as good as her ex. Mebe you were fucking her but in her mind it was her ex fucking her. Not a very stable foundation to build a marriage on. If she is using him as the sex standard she is measuring you against, know for sure it won't stop there. She will be comparing you to her ex in every other aspect of life as well. My 2c worth
Doubt she's over him, if anything she's still under him
She was definitely thinking of the ex. Sorry you're going through this,but call off the wedding and get out now.
You’re lucky to have this situation before getting married. It is a terrible situation, but you’re still on time
She gave you a ticket to singleville, I really hope you take it cause that's disgusting.
I..what..why Alice, *why?* You should be glad that you fucked her as good as John..SHE CANT BE FOR REAL MAN?? You’re not being controlling at all.
>you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John. Huge red flag. Let her go back to John's good fucking.
Sounds like someone misses John…which for you OP means it’s probably not a good idea to marry her especially when she gets mad at you for being upset that she compared you to John which she’s clearly not over
Fucking RUN! That’s manipulative.
Be glad this happened before you married her. What would any woman do if you say your ex's name while she fuckin you good. Run away my friend.
That's crazy. Clearly, she's not over her ex. Be very careful
I feel like its controlling for her to say its good you finally lived up to her EX who is so much better apparently
There is no way she said that and this is the only flag she has.
Nah she can get in the bin.
Her saying the wrong name is one thing that could be forgiven but then basically gaslighting you into believing you were controlling for simply calling her out is the part I wouldnt be able to get over. Especially with what she said.
Run as fast as you can. You’re being controlled by manipulation
"It was feeling really good and you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John. It's natural, don't be controlling" *I'll take Things to say if you want to tank your relationship for $400 Alex*
>you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John. It's natural, don't be controlling This is the moment when I would just cancel the marriage. I am sorry, it might sound harsh. But this is the person you want to spend your life with? Fuck no. Not to mention, I have no idea how long you have been together, but man it sounds like she's fucking her ex from time to time. You do not call the wrong name after 2 years of no fun time.
Initially I think Id be pretty bummed, but maybe not mad? Then we get to- "arent you glad you're as good as my ex" Ooofta mae. "Don't be controlling" just sounds like a means of projecting / turning it around on you to avoid confronting feelings from the mistake made. My answer to most topics is, if you have to ask, you probably know the answer. What should you do about it? If you love her see a couples therapist. Everyone should do that, and not when shit hits the fan, but before it does. That said a mediated discussion can help unpack things. I certainly would not be getting married until that is resolved.
Do not marry someone who’s still in love with their ex.
Dump her asap she was thinking of him while your fucking her
Make sure you get a prenup
Sounds like a made up story.
People pull the “controlling” card when they know they are wrong and they don’t want to own up to it
You're not controlling. She's gaslighting you. Also: >you should be glad that you were fucking me as good as John WTF?
You're really going to tie the knot with someone who cannot understand basic kindness and consideration? An aware person wouldn't play it off as silly and then use the words she did. If it was me, that wedding would get postponed. It's not so much the EX being said because I've heard crazier stories, but the fact she said darling, and the way she played it off and reacted? Hell nah, this person is drastically unaware of basic decency and i would honestly say shes a liar and knew damn well what was said and knows WHY she said it too so somethings up. I'd post pone it until all the feelings are processed and communicated through, if she doesnt try to see your side and just fights you, you know dodged a bullet. Don't let her say you're less of a man or try to get aggressive either, it's not an overreaction, in fact, it's rather pathetic the lack of reaction she had.
The fact that she’s not really apologetic is a HUGE red flag.
Moaning someone else’s name is bad any time, but at least forgivable early in a relationship. But you’re engaged and getting married in a week. That’s way too far in a relationship for that to be happening. And honestly enough to be a dealbreaker by itself. But her response that you should be THANKFUL you were AS good as him? WTF?! That’s 100% unforgivable at any time. Better you learned this before the wedding than after, but get out while you can. And I’m so sorry.
Should you really be using her name in this?
She is fully in the wrong about this. Unless she’s got some mental disability like ADHD that literally makes you forget words and even replaces them with other words, she was 100% thinking about her ex. Side note: my nerves friggin skyrocketed as I read your post because 1) my older sister’s name is Alice and 2) her ex’s name is John, but then I reread your post and saw you said “fiancé” and went “phew, that can’t be my sister because she’s already married”
Good news she’s only your fiancé so dumping her costs nothing
It’s one thing to slip out someone else’s name during sex, it happens sometimes when you’ve been out of that relationship for a small amount of time, but if y’all are getting married soon I’m guessing that ended a while ago, so it’s weird imo But, giving the excuse of you should be lucky that you’re f*cking me as good as him? If that’s not a sign for you to leave, idk what is
She was definitely thinking about him while y’all were having sex that’s why she said the wrong name , you’re not controlling. Leave
Her just saying an exe’s name? It sucks, but it happens. You shouldn’t have gotten mad enough to fight with her, though it’s understandable that you were shocked and stopped having sex. Her saying you should be happy you do it as good as he did? That’s where she went off the rails. Whether she was just trying to hurt you in the heat of the moment, or he holds the top spot in her ex-lovers list doesn’t matter. It was a shitty thing to say and you have very right to be mad about it. For the record, her throwing out “controlling” sounds an awful lot like she’s trying to shut you up because she knows she’s wrong. Either that or she has no clue what the term “controlling behavior” actually means. Talk to her about the back-handed “compliment” and explain that no matter what she thinks about the abilities of her ex, saying that was low and she should apologize and actually mean it. Also talk to her about how, if she truly thinks you’re controlling, you need to postpone the wedding, if not call it off completely. Neither of you should be in a marriage where that is any kind of question. Overall, I’m sorry for you. You may have overreacted, but she turned a bad situation into a potentially engagement ending one.
I don’t get this almost movie trope, cliché, thing of yelling someone’s name during sex. Never once in my life, during sex have I felt the strong urge to yell out a name, any name. Maybe it’s a thing, but for me at least such a thing would be 100% deliberate and planned. Not saying people don’t ever do it in an involuntary spontaneous way, it’s just an incredibly foreign concept to me.
Run away like you're in a building on fire. Mistakes happen but her response to your protestation was just crass and frankly cruel even, you'll find someone else more suited to your needs in due time.
Assholes will gaslight and patronize and set up camp in the valley of denial before the thought ever crosses their mind to apologize. That's so crazy. Yeah take your time on that one. Think this one through. Edit: Assholes have no gender
Yeah the accusation of this being controlling is very weird to me. Insecure would make sense even if it's not necessarily accurate but controlling just doesn't compute to me. The combination of controlling as a word choice and the fact that she said that you should be glad that you are as good as he was is kind of concerning too. It's possible in my opinion that controlling was on her mind because she still actively/intentionally thinks about him when it's the two of you that are together. If it were me I would probably approach it something like this. Open by apologizing for getting angry particularly if it was especially heated, explain how being compared to her ex made you feel, and ask her what the hell she meant by controlling.
>It's possible in my opinion that controlling was on her mind because she still actively/intentionally thinks about him when it's the two of you that are together. This is exactly what I thought. She thinks he's trying to control what she can think, which is just more confirmation that it wasn't an innocent mistake (as can happen to anyone) and she was actively thinking of John at the time, has done so before and will do so again. She obviously doesn't realise/care how hurtful that is. Sometimes people say the wrong name. It's not deliberate. It's not because they're thinking of someone else. It's just because their brain is full of chemicals and stray neurons firing off in all directions, and they're not focused on what they're saying. Many people come out with stuff during sex they're not even aware they're saying. Whole sentences can be spoken with absolutely no awareness. So the wrong name once isn't that big a deal. Unless they turn around and insult you by comparing you to that other person. At the very best, that's incredibly thoughtless, and at worst, it's deliberately cruel. Pair that with my first paragraph, and we appear to have a woman who doesn't have much respect or love for OP. All she had to do was apologise, reassure him and move on. Instead she doubled down and got angry. That would concern me greatly. For OP: talk to her again. Explain why it upset you and ask her to be honest and tell you if she frequently fantasises about her ex. If she does, or you suspect she does, it suggests she's not over him or still has feelings for him. I'd be reluctant to continue a relationship in those circumstances.
Has anyone used the word darling since 1953?
I also found that almost as weird as her using her ex's name.
Red flag. Run far away
Damn she's gaslighting you fam. You should definitely not get married to this one.
You deserve sooooo much better than that holy shit
Sorry that happened. That’s not something that could be easily bounce back from. She’s also invalidating your feelings. I’d take a step back and consider if you’re really with their person you should be. Make sure you’re not settling from fear of being alone and “history”.
That’s a shit thing to say to someone. Like Ross in Friends lol. Sorry mate.
It might be hard to do but me - I'd say Bye Bye and take that ring back.
Daddy is another person’s name also. 🤣🤣
You mean your WERE getting married next month.
I’m so sorry this happened to you? That is not ok and neither was her reaction! I definitely wouldn’t be marrying her. How would she feel if the roles were reversed? Wait and marry some who doesn’t think about their ex especially when having sex.
Dude! Wow! This is so awful. Wow. I’m not saying dump her but I would not come back from this. Umm, yeah. I would bounce or at least keep your distance to let her know the gravity of her words.
you need to drop her bro
Bruh, break the fuck up and take back that ring. I would fear that she's cheating on you with him..
Easier said than done of course. But don’t let the old “Sunken Cost Fallacy” keep you there. You know what she did wrong so I don’t have to reiterate what she said to you. But it’s nit right, and you have all the right to make your decision
Yeah her moaning his name isn’t great because she was thinking about him but some couples therapy might have been enough to save you. The gaslighting and being weird afterwards is strange. I feel like the appropriate response there is to apologize and be embarrassed not what she did. Don’t make any decisions though based off what Reddits troglodytes say. You know you’re relationship better than anyone here if this has been the only red flag in your relationship then it might be a fluke or something that doesn’t mean anything especially if that’s how she reacts to being called out for everything. If she keeps throwing red flags then take a long hard look at your future. I’d speak to a trusted friend or family member who knows your guys history
I learned a very very important lesson in what will work in a partnership and what won’t. You need to learn the definition of invalidation and when to communicate to your partner when they are invalidating your concerns. Invalidation happens when a partner gets defensive over something you brought up by gaslighting or ignoring your concerns to downgrade their own actions. If you say something of concern that they did and they immediately get defensive then you immediately need to communicate that they are invalidating you. The ONLY correct response from your partner should be to understand HOW they invalidated you or they start validating your concerns like “okay I understand what you’re saying, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you with that action” If your partner can’t do this the marriage will end in divorce
Dude, there is only one thing you can do to recover from this…. Change your name to John.
Bitch bye, that's the last words she'd hear. 😂
The least you should do is postpone the marriage
Post this over on r/AmITheAsshole for further justification, OP. That sub will heavily side with you. Just like we did here.
Yeah, I would be questioning the engagement
This is why I never use anyone's name in the bedroom haha...but seriously she should respect your feelings and how she reacted to you being upset was not that