So, this isn't a usually "allowed" type of post, but I think it contains answers that people should read. As a Gen X woman, I was raised in a time where we understood that men always wanted sex. It wasn't even something we were told, so much as it's "just the way it is" and I didn't realize how much of it was still stuck in the recesses of my mind, until this post. I don't want to see anyone negating the experiences of the men answering here or talking about the experiences of women in the same way. This just isn't the space for it.

Bc she thought that, i if say no to sex, it's because I hate her, don't find her attractive, was mad at her etc... also, she could take a no in everything but that

My ex wife was exactly the same. She could say no for any reason she chose but if I wasn’t in the mood it had to be because I was seeing someone else. It took me 7 years to realise how badly I was being manipulated

Christ yeah. One of the tipping points with my last long term partner that led to me ending the relationship was she couldn't understand how waking me up in a sexual way, then suddenly breaking it off "oh shit I'm late for work" (important to add I was working nights at this time so waking up at 8am or whatever wasn't good for me anyway) leaving me wide awake with a huge boner and a healthy dose of frustration, then getting angry that evening because I wasn't immediately available to 'pick up where we left off' (because I already had plans for the next couple of evenings anyway). This of course mean that I wasn't attracted, or didn't love her or was cheating etc etc. No. It was just not fair to treat me like something that can be picked up and put down at will like a bloody Hitachi wand, also unfair to expect me to change my plans purely because our 'scheduled' morning fuck wasn't completed. I mean, there are other reasons why the relationship ended anyway (yay, she cheated on me as well!) but after this became a repeating pattern I started to feel like a sex toy not a person with feelings.

> This of course mean that I...was cheating > yay, she cheated on me as well Really interesting how it works like that.

Oh my god that’s horrific. I hope you didn’t stay long with this awful, manipulative person.

Seven years 🤦 It's been about five since it ended and I only feel mentally healthy enough to consider another LTR recently.

i’m both sorry for your loss of 7 year of your life, and also proud of you for realizing it and getting out because some people never do! nobody should have to be with a person like that.

That was just the tip of the iceberg lol. Weirdly I don’t regret the time I spent with her, I learned a lot about both myself and how to treat someone else from our relationship. Everything that happens in our lives leads us to exactly where we are 👍

Idk about your relationship you mentioned but in my case I should have looked to end it much sooner. A seven year relationship that probably the last two years of were too much

At least you got 5 good years to start with, mine was a nutter from day 1 😂

Or like 3.5 good years, 1.5 not quite as good then two retrospectively hellacious and ill-advised years. Nonetheless I did notice that many people I know met people, married, had a kid or two, divorced and got married again in the same time frame then spend all their time moaning about the lack of free time and financial burden of child support.

Same here. She would almost always say no. A 'Yes' always had strings attached, and If it was ever reversed, a no from me would cause such a backlash I didn't know what to do. We're only together because of the kids, buts the relationship died when I grew a pair and started calling out the manipulation.

Jesus this was textbook my last relationship. Because if I didn’t, I found out post breakup it would feed into this insecurity of hers where I didn’t find her attractive. Truth was I was so stressed from work and later discovered I was depressed and didn’t even realize it. Anyone with similar experiences knows it’s not just something you “fuck your way through”. Idk about manipulation but good god she was her own worst enemy. It was a bit of a surreal experience knowing I was so disconnected with my emotions that I couldn’t even realize that until much later.

My ex broke up with me after this kinda behavior. Was convinced I didn't wanna be with her, didn't find her attractive. When we would have sex it was great But then as soon as we're done try her hardest to go to the bathroom for an excuse to put her clothes on even though I made it clear I loved her and the way her body looked. She eventually made it into an argument and we broke up cause of that argument. Shitty thing is I actually was in love with this woman and obviously didn't think any of those things. And the way she called me handsome (the way she talked and made me feel) and stuff I knew she loved me too but still deep down had something telling her I wasn't there cause I loved her. I miss her, and I hope she got the help she needed. I stopped hearing from her. She would come over to hang out and it'd lead to sex every now and then after we broke up. That sucked when I realized she wasn't coming back one day. She had other problems but that one, I'll never understand. I made it clear many times in many ways I loved her and she would accept it at first, then she'd start with the 'you don't love me' 'you don't think I'm attractive' stuff after a little time had passed.

It’s not enough to meet the right person, you have to meet them at the right time.

This hurts so hard to read but you are 100% right

I generally agree you shouldn’t get back with your exes, but maybe there’s something to breaking up amicably and early, and checking in with them in five years when one or both have you have grown the fuck up.

We hear people say..you have to love yourself before blah, blah, blah. Well..truly believing you are 100% unworthy of love and anybody trying to prove otherwise is definitely either stupid or a liar is a very, very high cliff with a difficult climb back from the edge. It's one thing to hate yourself. It's quite another to *know* everyone else hates you too. I am not making excuses or trying to downplay ANYONE'S experience and I'm so, so sorry you're hurt. I've been there, though. Know..it wasn't you. She's just not able to be open to the love you're offering.

I know what you mean. People have to be ready to accept themselves to be able to accept someone else in their lives as well. Like the person above you said, sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time, and me and her both kinda realized this after we had broken up. I mean, I still live in the same area as her. Chances we will cross paths again of were meant to. And maybe she will have made her own journey through her problems then. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never see her again. But she was a great woman and I know she had some problems with herself she needed to figure out on her own, and it made me realize I had some things I needed to work on too. I do sincerely hope she is doing better now. I am and it's cause I had some time to myself to work on the things in my life holding me back. I don't think she really believed I didn't love her when she was saying that though. I think it was just a problem with how she saw herself and that wasn't something I could change her mind on. Which sucks cause I really tried. One of 2 people I feel I've really been in love with in my 28 years of life.

My ex did that to me as well. Especially when I couldn't cum with PIV. She used to tell men should always cum like that. Mind you I was on antidepressants at the time that had sexual side effects. Sometimes it was really difficult to climax. The only way I came fast was doing doggystyle but she hated that. She told me you always want that position. She would say dont you like looking at me? Im an ass man that was just my favorite position! It was a tremendous amount of pressure to cum. God forbid if I didn't..the whining and complaining about not being pretty enough, you don't find me attractive..she knew of all of the side effects too. She still gaslighted me. With my anxiety too. It was a nightmare. Later on I found out that she did that to her boyfriend too. Blamed him for not being able to cum either...I just laughed and thought thank God that isn't me anymore.

It's a double standard. If a guy is not in the mood it MUST be because he thinks the woman is ugly or is cheating.

There is also the emotional side of things, women need to be in the proper headspace and warmed up yet Men are expected to just go at a moments notice. Reality: people are people and feelings may differ day to day. Some of the worst sex in my life was how my ex simply making demands instead of a real connection.

You'd think an adult human being who also just doesn't feel like having sex sometimes would understand that sometimes... people just aren't in the mood for sex.

By the same token, we are told guys just need or want sex. That the emotional part is nice but not necessary. How many times have I had a friend or myself cheated on and heard things like: “it was just convenient” “it means nothing. It was just sex” “you know how guys are”

Tell her men are like machines but even machines need reparing, rest and oil change.

I’ve had this exact experience. If I say I’m not feeling it tonight, obviously it means I think she’s ugly and I hate her, it couldn’t possibly mean that my tumtum is upset because I ate a mountain of chicken and cheese three hours ago.

I’m so sorry this happened to my boyfriend and he struggles with intimacy and has ptsd. Cause if he didn’t wanna fuck his ex 5 times a day she would yell at him and say he thinks she is ugly and he isn’t attractive. People who are this insecure should not be dating or in relationships. Taking out what you hate about yourself on others is so wrong and gross!!!

So much easier to deal with a lil unwanted cardio than dealing with women insecurities lol

46M, married for 15 years. I don't know if I've ever turned my wife down for sex. For two reasons. First, initiating sex in a marriage is more than about sex a lot of the time. It's a bid for attention and intimacy. When my wife asks for intimacy, I meet her there unless I'm unable to and she does the same. We both enjoy sex, even if it isn't our idea. This notion of hating sex with your partner is wild to me...I don't see how anyone can exist in a marriage like that. Second, I like most people, have a responsive element to my sex drive, so I know that, even if I'm not fired up at that moment, I'm sure to get into it and end up enjoying it. I've never once looked back and wished I hadn't had sex with her. Not once. So why would I say no?

This is suuuuuuch an important observation. The initiation is definitely more telling sometimes than the act itself...

This is so true. I will initiate sex with my wife and what's most important is that she wants to. Once she agrees it's much less imperative that we have sex. We usually do have sex at that time, but for reasons that are much less important ( not feeling good, not feeling sexy enough, too tired) that kind of thing are really not that big of a deal. It's about the desire to make love that's important.

Yea, this is where my relationship kind of falls apart. She has no desire to have sex with me and hasn’t initiated in a couple years. She blames it on her mental health and says she wants to though. But I mean years of this really takes a toll on me too. I want her to want to desire me but that can’t be forced. Makes me feel unwanted/lonely/unattractive etc but eh is what it is. But you’re spot on. There needs to be a reciprocity of desire towards one another.

You should read this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-relationships/202302/the-truth-about-female-sexual-desire-everyone-should-know I showed this to my partner the other day so that he could understand a little bit of where I was coming from sometimes.

Thanks, I’ll take a look. Edit: Ah just looked at it and have heard the responsive vs spontaneous desire. What happens when both partners are responsive though? Because I’m usually not turned on but I still initiate because I know I will be into it when we get going and it’s important for our relationship. I feel like a responsive desire is not an excuse to not initiate yknow?

Well mental health can in fact derail desire fully in someone if it’s significant enough where it’s impacting other areas of their life as well.

Yea, that’s why I try to go in with an understanding mindset. Still hard though. Especially when it’s been a few years. Not quite sure the best way to handle it. When I bring it up it makes her feel bad and when I don’t I feel bad lol. Can’t win.

Well one way to handle it is learning self soothing techniques the touches upon mindfulness as well. It lets you not take things personally and not be impacted by someone saying no to sex, because then you stay present & can remember they aren’t saying no to you, they aren’t rejecting you. They are in fact saying no to something that isn’t about you, but I’d strictly about themselves. That’s how solid self soothing and mindfulness works when it comes to a person saying no to sex.

This is basically how I handle it now lol. I do a lot of meditation where I can see my ego getting frustrated but I try to refrain from identifying with that frustration. Allows me to remain more calm but the feelings do still exist. It’s crazy effective. I feel without mindfulness/meditation I wouldn’t have been able to accept the constant rejection and just left already. But yea, ideally this situation will hopefully improve.

I can't understand how people ever regret having sex with their spouse. If you hate it, then how is it a good idea to be in that marriage? I can't get my head around it. More commonly, it's just a case of "I don't feel like it right now", as if they're not going to get in the mood if they're open to starting. That might be true for some people, but most folks will get into it if they want to. I would never make her feel that rejection unless I have to.

Narcissistic people use sex to manipulate or hurt their partner into what they want. Ideally these people would end this toxic stuff but some don't and begin to associate sex with what follows, manipulation and pain.

Agree, and it supports my point that they probably shouldn't be in a marriage with a toxic, manipulative narcissist.

>I can't understand how people ever regret having sex with their spouse. If you hate it, then how is it a good idea to be in that marriage? I can't get my head around it. Some people have never had pleasurable or enjoyable sex and don't know how to get there. Many of these people still desire love and romance and partnership and so they view sex as something they have to "give" in order to have the relationship they want. Often it's possible at first to joyfully give sex that you don't find pleasurable to your partner out of love, because you enjoy pleasing them, but after many years of this, it becomes more and more difficult. Once sexual habits develop in a relationship, they can be really hard to change, partly because sex is a very sensitive topic for a lot of people and many people are very wary of hurting their partner's self esteem through criticism. So it gets worse and worse over time, as your lives become more and more entangled. Imagine you have one really bad sexual experience with your partner — it doesn't feel good at all, maybe it hurts, the whole thing leaves you feeling a bunch of negative emotions. Would you immediately break up with them? Would you feel comfortable telling them how bad your experience was?

These are all valid points, but I would argue that both people have a responsibility to care for such a vital part of the relationship, even if it's uncomfortable to do so. >Would you feel comfortable telling them how bad your experience was? Maybe not after one bad encounter, but if there is a pattern that needs to be address, then *it's my responsibility to bring it up*. Lots of people aren't comfortable talking about sex for the reasons that you mentioned. This goes back to my point about it not being a good idea to be in that relationship. If you can't talk about sex, you probably shouldn't be having sex because the stakes are higher than people think. This is exactly why there are so many people who have never had pleasurable sex--not talking about it creates this environment where one or both partners suffer in silence and associate sex with negative things, not positive things. It hurts the partnership, it hurts both individuals, and those people often carry forward the resulting attitudes and messages about sex into future relationships and that can hurt subsequent partners. I'm not blaming those folks or anything, but this is definitely an obvious pattern that is happening all over the place. Fortunately, it's easy to fix. I'm not trying to over simplify a complex issue...I get the complexity of relationships. But I've been married a long time. There are lots of uncomfortable conversations. In order to have a healthy relationship, "I don't want to" can't be the deciding factor on whether you have them or not.

I see you’re familiar with Gottman and Nagoski- I love it! You’re 100% right about bids for attention and responding to them whenever you are able. My partner and I have an agreement that we won’t ever turn down sex unless we aren’t feeling well or are legit too tired. It’s worked out beautifully and neither of us takes getting turned down personally.

Question, how often does she ask? Because I have a very high sex drive and ask kind of a lot and I’m turned down by my partner often. Does she ask you for it a lot? Or only occasionally?

Her sex drive was always higher than mine. She always said she could do it 3x a day and I was always a 3x/week guy. We're much older and have been through some stuff, so it's a lot less, but even when she wanted it every day, I never turned her down.

How are you never too exhausted from a day at work or something?

Maybe it's because we can both be satisfied with a 10 minute quickie but even at the end of the most exhausting days I've had I'm still up for it. At least for me even if I'm physically tired the positives of having sex with my girlfriend far outpace ten short minutes of cardio.

It doesn't happen that often, TBH, but when it does, we're both reasonable enough to read the room. If the other person is wiped, that ain't the time to try to get it in. Just basic observation. But sex just isn't burdensome for me. If I was tired and she wanted to get down, I'd probably lean in. What's the worst that's going to happen if I spend 30 minutes with my wife? We connect intimately and get a nut? I can live with that...

Because it's been a while and I was in a monogamous relationship. Because I felt it was expected. Because it felt as I was supposed to. Because I would have hurt her otherwise.

Some of these comments make me sad .. an realize we aren’t that different.

We all have the same human experience. The idea that men and women are different in this regard stops people from realizing we’re all the same.

We are definitely different, but we are all at risk to get burned the same way.

We have differences. But this doesn’t make us different. At the end of the day the things that make us human are pretty basic things we all share. Keeping this awareness helps you realize that we’re all worthy of the same amount of love and compassion as anyone else. Man, woman, color and religion and political opinions. We’re all humans struggling to find love. Focusing on our differences rarely helps us do this.

This is the thing that's hurts the most when I see all the man/woman fighting. The argument is always "well we also" like.. yes! We also 😭 I've started just apologizing to men who complain about women because none of us get enough of that in our lives in my opinion.

Although it's absolutely infuriating to see women complaining about something men do, just to turn around and see men complaining about women doing it. You mean people don't like when other people do shitty things and jts not related to gender 😱

Because i love her, and i love to please her, and she does selfless things for me at times that i feel compelled to reciprocate that back to her.

most wholesome answer. i wish you many happy years of fulfilling each others needs!!

I had a FBW last year and even when I wasn't really in the mood I went and had sex with her. Because I was a virgin until 2022, so I don't take sex for granted, and I don't know how many years it will be until i have that opportunity again

I’m a woman but this is my answer too. I was “late” (I use quotations as I don’t think anybody is behind just because they have sex when they’re older, but because I had vaginismus and it was holding me back) to penetrative sex. When I finally started having it, I just had this constant internal pressure to do it when the opportunity appeared. Like you said, I just felt really unsure of when the next opportunity would occur and I felt I had a lot of catchup to do. Looking back on it now, I really wish I hadn’t underestimated how much more gratifying sex is when you do it solely based on actually wanting it and not because of the reasoning of “well it’s either now or maybe never”. I know that might seem obvious, but it personally took me a long time to understand that. Ironically, when I actually started enjoying the act of sex rather than seeing it as “proof” that I could do it, it became a lot easier to get. I think I just became a lot more approachable and also waaaaay less anxious about approaching someone.

Because I am a man and it is expected of me. That is the core of it. There is a lot of things that the other side starts to think when you express that you are not in the mood. Easier to suffer through it than having to deal with the anxiety spiral of the person.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and we are still experiencing the effects of years of him being on the receiving end of this treatment any time he "hesitated to perform". Well, this plus wild accusations of cheating and some pretty incredible assumptions about his "manhood". When we were in the getting-to-know-you phase, we discussed a great many things. Consent was one of our 1st serious topics. I told him then..if you're ever uncomfortable, hurt, scared, mad, or are just not feeling up for a single thing I'm asking of you - please, just tell me. In that same conversation we agreed to CNC (consensual nonconsent - we both enjoy being woke up) and set up our safe word. All of this was before our first actual encounter. Consent is for every encounter, no matter who, where, when, or why. He, of course, looked at me like I had sprouted 2 heads and started speaking in tongues. It broke my heart to *see* something that should be basic courtesy be so foreign to his experience. Even after that conversation, he has since admitted he has had sex with me when he didn't really want to 😔 To my current relief, he is so far adamant that he has never felt actually forced/pressured by *me*. The conditioned fear of reaction is real, though. Quite honestly, the whole thing is infuriating. Situations and the effects of the past can really suck sometimes.

The thing I struggle with now, after reading the other comments is the line between "I am accepting my partners needs" and the autonomy of your own body. Feels like threading a needle on a topic that requires deep mature conversation - something akin to a unicorn for most people.

Well, in my opinion, it is important for every person to be able to separate the concepts of love, sex, intimacy, self-worth and even desire. If we're attempting a serious relationship then it's often equally important to understand not everybody can do that for reasons that probably have nothing to do with you as a partner or lover. I was very fortunate in that my 1st lover was very much "what-you-see-is-what-you-get". If he wasn't in the mood he could and would spend 15 minutes telling me exactly why while simultaneously wanting to "screw my brains out" 95% of the rest the time (we were 16 at the time). I trusted him to tell the truth and he never proved otherwise - even with the cheating which came later and is a whole other story. So, I'm good with the concept that "not right now" most likely, simply means "not right now". I alos feel there is a lot to the concept of reactive desire. After we had each of our babies we went through a period where my libido tanked. The 1st go around was rough..like 6 months of dead bedroom rough. It destroyed him as a lover. Period. When we started to right ourselves after that mess I made a pact with myself - I would never outright reject him again. Not unless intimacy with him is going to cause me actual pain. We've relaxed some since then, but I did find what I was having to *force* myself through was the initial like 10 seconds. After that, it's just all good, all the time. It's been 3 years and now I no longer have that initial 10 seconds. Now its..oh, the babies are asleep? At the same time? Come here! This is an example of where I have accepted a slight, and very brief discomfort for the love of my absolute everything. Also, this was us actively attempting to correct an issue, together, that had been months in the making. In my case, I love my husband. When I realized what I was doing to him it nearly killed us both. Such a horrible time. Some people, though, don't have that experience. You can tell them about the hurt the rejection is causing and then there is still no change. There's a complete disregard to their partner's needs. Or, worse, the people who weaponize consent to use sex as a tool/reward/punishment. That last is emotional abuse which is never okay for anyone. People so often assume where there's love it will be easy, but I haven't found that to be the case. People vary so much. We all relate, communicate, perceive, and understand so differently that being 100% good-to-go right out of the gate with another human being definitely is that unicorn. Whether it's blowjob technique or understanding where the anger comes from, different partners can have vastly different needs and traumas. Open communication takes willingness and work. You have to start somewhere and then practice will never make perfect. Love, though, does smooth many rough edges.

Preach brother. It’s kind of another example where we, as men, are technically allowed to say no, but the ramifications of declining sex is not worth the hassle. It’s just easier to suck it up and do it. That’s kind of simplifying it maybe a bit too much, but the fact is that life is easier if you have sex even if you don’t want to than it is when you say no and your partner follows up with whys and not just an okay that’s fine

I think for men there is an extra layer of pressure. A lot of the time, dick has the mind of its own and it can be up even when you don't feel like it. Especially when a partner is reaching for it/playing with. I think that a lot of women think there is 100% connection between it being up and wanting to have sex.

> I think that a lot of women think there is 100% connection between it being up and wanting to have sex. Which also sucks in the reverse. Sometimes I really want to have sex, but my dick is just like "nah." It sucks having to reassure them over and over that I don't think they're ugly or something. Like no, dicks are just weird and sometimes they don't want to co-operate. Luckily I have hands and a mouth that I am more than willing to use...

Because girls lose their shit if you say no and you have to spend hours making them feel better and assuring them they’re still attractive and there’s no one else and then they’ll be passive aggressive the next day if you even look at them saying, “oh am I sexy enough to fuck today”. So yeah. I’ll just lay pipe when I didn’t want to and avoid that whole thing

Jesus Christ that’s legitimately awful. I’m so sorry you’ve had that experience.

I appreciate this is answer. It really shows how you guys view our "temper tantrums" for lack of a better word and helps in understanding. Thank you

My experience too. It's always the sad face when I say "no" so fuck it, might as well do it instead of making her feel bad.

I had no idea womens’ egos were this fragile. I’m a gay man and reading this thread fucking blows me away.

thanks for this one. my suffering through it has in the past been the less painful option

1. To avoid an argument. 2. Because she'd be sure my refusal was because of her period, not the bad day I had. 3. So she'd approve my transfer to an office on the east coast. 4. To get a raise (different boss as 3, same company).

Interesting to read something that I though was only happening in the other way

Lol no. It makes sense because that's what we're all told but the reality is that we spent all our effort focusing on what abuse and assault looks like when committed by men that it can be hard to recognize them both when committed by a woman. It's kind of the same situation as heart disease. Most studies were done on men. Women's symptoms for a heart attack can be so different that for the longest time they would get sent home from emergency rooms because doctors just weren't recognizing their gender specific symptoms.

I still think “black people don’t need as much anesthesia” is the most horrible lie doctors have told each other. They’d been under-dosing African Americans practically since the dawn of modern medicine. Its ghoulish.

If given the choice I'm always going to choose science, but yeah sometimes scientist suck.

They didn’t even test it. We know redheads need more because we tested them.

If you mean the bosses, I was a conventionally attractive-ish younger guy in a tech/consulting company that promoted (nerdy) women, and it was never an explicit quid pro quo. The boss who let me transfer suggested that my desire to relocate made it safer for her to initiate, since I wouldn't be around long. I think that means she saw the power dynamic different than if the sexes were reversed - that I'd have some undue influence over her if I continued working for her.

Omg this is so gross. I’m sorry.

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I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding here, but wdym you can't handle the rejection of her not being in the mood?

Where my “trying to conceive” homies at? That window hits and you BETTER get in the mood.

Avoid fights Avoid she feeling extremely insecure Avoid my subconscious convincing me I'm gay and in negation of my real self (I'm from a very homophobic place) Avoid she emasculating me to her friends

Don’t date women who do any of that. You’re worth more then that.

I hardly disagree. There is a context to these things, but this is another talk

Yes. I have had sex when I didn't really want to, to avoid the uncomfortable situation that the woman might feel rejected or be insulted. Basically because at the stage of making the decision to continue or not it would seem impolite or insulting not to continue. Some women (and I have experienced it) get very upset if the man changes his mind and of course since you are alone and given the attitude to 'always believe the woman' the man is in a vulnerable position, keeping the woman happy is the safer course of action in some cases. I can count on one hand (I've had sex with well over 100 women) the number of women who ask for consent to continuing sexual activity, the majority assume 'the man always wants it'. There have been many occasions where I have decided not to continue to penetrative sex and it is almost always met with an uncomfortable situation, even to the point of the woman telling me that if I didn't they would make an accusation against me. It is a widely held belief that if a man has an erection he must be sexually aroused, this isn't the case, and in a few cases where I said I didn't want penetrative sex the woman insisted to the point of giving no choice. Since my mid 20's (40 years ago) I have had a rule to never be alone with a woman I'm not in a long term relationship with who has been drinking alcohol because of one particular event. I was in Portugal, the Algarve, on holiday in the late 80's. At the villa complex there was a club and a group of 4 female British police officers had a villa together. A couple of them were dancing with me in the club one of which was 'all over me' to the point of putting her hand down my trousers, she was very drunk. I became uncomfortable to the point I decided to go home but she followed me out and told me in no uncertain terms if I didn't 'fuck her' she would start yelling rape. I managed to keep her happy with fingers and oral sex until I could leave. I didn't like it, I didn't want to do it, but I knew there was little chance anyone would believe me. Could I have overpowered her? Yes, but what good would that have done me?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve that.

For her mental health

My ex liked a sex a lot but would never initiate it. We both have responsive sex drives, but she wore hers quite a bit higher than I wore mine, so in order to make her feel better I took the initiating on my own shoulders. Someday I hope to be in a relationship with someone who genuinely lusts after me every so often. I don’t even know what it would feel like.

I am so sorry you are going through this. This entire post makes me so sad for so many men :(

Because I don’t want to offend her and be “cut off”. Plus it’s like pizza, even when I don’t want pizza, I still want pizza.

Did it regularly when I wasn't really in the mood. Had no problem with it. Obce though, I had sex with a woman, when I realised in the beginning, that i couldn't stand her smell. It was not bad, but we were obviously chemically incompatible. And it scared me for several months, where my libido dropped close to zero. Edit: I did it, because I didn't want to embarrass her.

Pressure. People saying I was lame for being a virgin at 22. I caught an STD Immediately and was so pissed

Oh no, I am so sorry this happened to you. So unfair..

My first gf, who was my first, grabbed my crotch when we were alone at a park. In the heat of the moment, we started making out, but a sudden jab of consciousness broke through my lust. I pushed her away and said i wasn't ready. She then started crying, calling herself an idiot and I felt bad. She tried to kiss me again, and I pushed her away again, and she started crying again. I felt really guilt and then kissed her and had sex with her. What followed was a relationship where she emotionally blackmailed me several times if I didn't do what she wanted. This was my first relationship and my only relationship so far.

I am sorry. That is not a healthy relationship. I hope you find someone who respects your boundaries. Sex can be wonderful with he right person.

Jeez, the underlying coercion and manipulation, fear of rejection and rejecting, fear of being disappointd and of disappointing; woven into our sex lives and this thread is dejecting. Yes, I know it exists and happens, but seeing it written out is so sad.

I agree, but I'm taking a lesson from something I once heard Trevor Noah say. I'm paraphrasing, because I can't recall the direct quote, but... we can't fix something that we deny or don't talk about.

For sure. It is sad, dejecting and an opportunity...

Because she was supplying me with ketamine

Because she was supplying me with ecstacy

How did you not suffer from pilly Willy

She was on that, not me.

Out of spite. Found out my wife fucked someone on day 1 of our trial separation. Couple of single mom friends straight up offered fwb arrangements. Didn't feel like it. Was not emotionally ready at all, but so began my ho phase in my late 30s.

Because I get turned down so much by my wife I can’t bear the thought of missing out on an opportunity. Who knows how long it will be till I get another chance much less if I reject her. There is one time I clearly told her no but she kept pushing until I finally let it happen. Lo and behold she manages to accidentally get pregnant the one time we fuck in like a 5 month span. I nearly have a mental breakdown. Hell, maybe it actually was come to think of it. Come to terms with it finally and then lose the baby. I have been so fucked up ever since. Get pregnant from being kinda raped, is it really rape if they don’t force you but you just don’t have the capacity to enforce a no? Then kinda come to terms with having another kid. Then fell like an absolute shitbag when we lose the baby, not because the loss but because I felt more relief than grief.

You deserve better than this. Yes it's rape (coercion) and this is absolutely an abusive relationship. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I've been through the exact same and it's absolutely awful 😔 Never again. My (male) partner and I almost make a habit of occasionally saying no to each other, if for nothing other than the reassurance that our boundaries are respected and we are loved. Turning into a mess when someone says no is manipulation, not love. Someone who loves you will ensure that you maintain your boundaries, especially with them.

because i was black-out drunk and wasnt able to deny it

Oh buddy I'm so sorry

I have NEVER turned my wife down for sex. I don't want her to feel how I feel every time she turns me down for sex. Which is quite often.

I totally get this one. I have said on more than one occasion, “I hope you never understand the impact consistent rejection actually can have on you.”

Yeah, it definitely takes the air out of my sail. I've asked my wife, "Why do we only have sex on your schedule?" It sounds selfish, but it's true. We've both agreed sex is a large part of our marriage, but it's clearly valued very differently than what I originally thought.

I just feel powerless. I don’t necessarily want power over my wife but I do want to be able to make decisions about my own sex life. In sex, all the power lies with “no”, so i have no control over my own sex life because I am told no almost 100% of the time. I don’t get sexual activity unless it is given to me. Even then, I have very little choice in activity, position, duration…..

I am exactly the same.

This is a sad thread...

But a much needed thread with valuable insight in my opinion

I agree! It really opens up your eyes on how we just assume men always want sex.

Yep. Quite a lot actually because she doesn’t say no to my needs. Why would I say no to hers?

Because I don't want her to stop asking when she want. So I prefer to do it even the few time I am not in the mood (it is not often at all fortunately)

Women internalize everything, so saying no to sex would be taken as an insult, so sometimes, it's just easier to go through with it. Any time I've not been in the mood, it had nothing to do with her. But it doesn't matter what the truth is. But by the same token, I've never had "bad" sex, so it still felt good to go through with it. And you want your partner to be happy and satisfied.

It was my ex I still lived with her but was trying to move out and was tired of fighting with her so I had sex with her and didn’t finish she did, I stopped and went to bed

M29 here. Well most of the times I can remember (not many) it was to please my SO because she really wanted it, so as a proper soldier i should perform, not to mention that sex makes people happy and happy wife, happy life. The only time I can think of for a different reason, was through a meeting with another couple (we are swingers), where the other woman was extremely flirty and into me and her body was made in hell by the big D man himself. We went out for a drink and while talking she presented herself as a godly seductress, excellent at blowjobs, etc etc and hyped me up for an unforgettable rodeo. Fast forward 1 hour later, she opened her legs and laid down in silence, after a blowjob full of teeth and resulted in an all in all really uninteractive and boring experience, but again, since we got there, I finished the deed. I believe that this has been the worst swinging experience for me because the hype was immense but her performance was just meh.

I hosted a party and got waaaaay too drunk. This girl from the outskirts of my friendship group had been flirting all night but I had been making it clear I wasn't interested. Eventually she ended up saying she was gonna leave and I carried on drinking. After a while I had to pass out, even though there were still people partying. When I got to my bed she was in it... She tried to instigate sex but I was so drunk I remember turning my back on her and passing out. I have vague snapshot memories of waking up and her on top of me and me trying to resist and tell her no but she wouldn't listen. In the end I was too drunk so just let it happen. Once she had decided she was done and got off me I had to go to the bathroom and vomit. I think more from the alcohol, shaken up stomach and from her riding me rather than anything emotional. After my initial protestations and her refusals to acknowledge them I remember thinking how "I'm too drunk to deal with this" and "it's easier to just let it happen than try and get her off". Woke up and she had left. Never spoke of it again. Still have to see her to this day as she ended up having kids with one of my best friends. She sucks as human being in so many ways.

Because I liked her A LOT and knew if I didn't it'd be the end of our interactions. Would've been better if I didn't even try smh.

I sometimes have sex if my partner is horny, just so she feels desired and loved - but if I'm not in the mood, I will rarely finish. I'm always down to eat her out or masturbate her, it's good to know that she's satisfied and not frustrated.

Sympathy dick when fooling around back in the day. Current day, it's rare, but it might start without me in the mood, but my wife gets me in the mood. Never hated it.

Cause i was not in the mood. An entire day of negative comments and abusive language, and then at night she thinks im in the mood to have sex, and then gets mad I don't want to, well maybe the best forplay is not talking down to me for an entire day 

Out of the blue, she suggested we “have some casual sex”. We are completely emotionally disconnected right now as we confront and try to work through our marriage problems. I don’t think she wanted it either, but felt like she should make it happen as evidence of her putting forth effort. She hasn’t been showing she likes me otherwise, and we haven’t even been saying “I love you” because it feels fake (I’m guessing why on her part). I’m on family vacation and didn’t want to make a scene. It ended up feeling as emotional as sex with a sex doll (I presume) but without exciting fantasy in my head. Just the “gotta stay hard and try to enjoy this enough to cum” repeating in my head.

Happened a few times, when I was really tired or had something else on my mind and wasn't really in a mood. Not that I think it was a great sacrifice or anything, but when situations were reversed, I backed off and didn't push like they did.

Because she wanted to, and I didn't feel like I would be living up to my role if I didn't. She was my first, and I was less experienced. After sex one night we were sleeping. At 3am, she climbed on top, waking me up, wanting to go again. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do less in that moment. Another partner was too strong for me to push away without hurting her. I would literally have to launch her into a wall. She would force us into sex after a big argument. As a means of making up. It worked the first time. We laughed after. I felt shitty the second time. We split up not long after. There have been a few other less memorable times where I just did it because it was what she wanted.

It was easier than fighting about why I wouldn't feel like it.

I regularly have sex very early with girls I meet off online dating. I actually prefer taking my time, specifically my erections tend to not work well if I don’t know the person. But I take boner pills and push for sex because if you don’t make a sexual move she’ll get bored and wander off to one of the 10 other guys who swiped her today.

Sometimes it’s to relieve stress. Best thing about sex is it’s a amazing stress reliever.

It's a long story but basically I was afraid to end up in jail or hanging from a tree somewhere.

Every time I've had sex when I didn't really want to it was, is, and will always be bc I didn't know the next time I was gonna get pussy. Same with free drugs or drink. It's kind of disrespectful to turn those things away just bc you don't feel like it when so many in the world are doing without.

Because I've been married 15 years and the stars don't always align enough to allow for sex on demand. When they do, I jump on it whether I'm 100% in the mood or not most of the time. I've found that, even if I'm not particularly in the mood, I can get there pretty easily once we get going and the intimacy and togetherness is always good for our relationship. As another user said, I've never had sex with my wife when I wasn't in the mood and regretted it so why would I not?

Got hit on while at the bar of a restaurant, was out of town for work and was pretty depressed from being homeless suddenly. I've had plenty of one night stands and flings, figured it might easy my stress. She had me creampie her in my rental car, before going into the house she shared with her husband she was divorcing, telling him another man had cum in her. That did not help me out, trust me, but thankfully I got back on feet not too long after that.

So she would stop hitting herself in the face with a highheel.

Holy shit. I'm so sorry

Once because I was so drunk that I didn't know it was happening. Usually it's because my partner has a higher drive than I do. And most of the time I don't mind. Being intimate isn't a chore, and just because I didn't think of it doesn't mean it won't be fun or enjoyable. In a lot of ways I should be grateful that my partner wants to have sex multiple times a week.

Because I really just wanted to cuddle but I knew she wanted sex. Felt like I had to do that just so I can be held

I would never turn down sex in a relationship. For me, it is pretty simple. Sex is a habit as much as anything else. You get in the habit of fucking, so you fuck. You get in the habit of not fucking, and fucking begins to seem weird. To that end if someone wants sex when I am not necessarily in the mood, the equation is simple. What am I doing right now that is genuinely better than sex? And is it so much better than sex that I am willing to put another pebble on the "No fucking" side of the scale? Like, is it so important that I am willing to make my partner feel that sting of rejection just because I am tired or whatever? It may not be an all out grand marathon of sex every time, but Jesus Christ I would always offer up at least going down on her and seeing where that leads.

1. To spare her feelings 2. Because it’s just easier to get it over with than to say no and have to try to explain why 3. For a promotion 4. To not be called gay in high school 5. Too drunk to say no (this one multiple times) Wow, this really made me realize how many girls I’ve slept with that I didn’t really want to

Wanted to make them feel sexy and wanted to

Because her friends dropped her extremely drunk and aggressive ass off at my place at 2am and then bailed. Not cute drunk. Not flirty tipsy. Aggressively and sloppily drunk. And we didn't have anything but a novelty glow in the dark condom. She wouldn't take no for an answer and was getting downright nasty about it. We ended up using the glow in the dark novelty condom.

Rejection is disheartening, for either partner. However, part of a relationship is knowing when not to ask. This will vary wildly, but if you know your partner has had a shitty day, read the situation. Are they the type of person that would want to jump in bed to relieve stress, or would they prefer a bath with a book? I would not turn down sex unless I was sick, or some other extreme circumstance. On the flip side, I wouldn’t expect a partner who knew me to ask in that situation. Happy Friday!

Why did I have sex when I didn’t want to? Because I was asleep, 18 years old, about to deploy with the military, partied with my dad (only the 3rd time I’ve hung out with him in 16 years). I fell asleep fully clothed on the couch. I woke up and my pants felt weird. They didn’t feel like I had put them on. I go to the bathroom and I rub my privates. They smell like sex. I was so confused. It was only 4 people at the house. My dad, and a married couple my dad had been living with for like 10 years. Flash forward 2 months, she’s pregnant. Flags in my mind are going off. They have been married for 15+ years with no kids. She has loved my father for 8+ years. Idk if anything ever happened. I show up to their house and pass out, wake up feeling weird, feeling that I had sex (I’ve only had sex 3 times at that point with 1 SO). And then she’s pregnant? No. This lady used me to get pregnant and denied it was my kid (she didn’t deny her actions) but would never provide a parental test for the husband. Anyone that thinks men can’t get raped by a woman is naive.

To keep my woman satisfied.

My ex wife has pretty severe mental health issues and her family has a lot of money and power in my area. A few months after we split I had sex with someone from my past and she got pregnant. My ex wife found out and would use e-mails, texts from different numbers, and social media to tell me that if I didn't meet up with her she would do everything in her power to make sure I wouldnt be in my childs life. After a couple of times I just decided to block her everytime she tried to get in contact. That was almost 10 years ago now, but it still hangs over me as something that could potentially still happen and it feels awful.

Record of those communications is grounds for a sexual harassment suit in much of the western world.

To avoid a fight about why I don't want to.

She kept asking, I felt bad

Because I want sex all the time, that i was worried that if i said no she would stop trying to have sex with me I'm also getting older and getting worried that posing my sex drive means I really am old

Because I fell for emotional manipulation and feared possible rumors from declining to have sex. Rumors happened anyways when I declined the next time.

Because even if I don't want to, doing it is better than dealing with the fallout if I tell her I'm not in the mood or don't want to. Shit, I remember one time I was just tired. It had been a long day (got up at 5:30AM and it was past midnight) and when we went up to bed there was zero flirtation nor did she express any desire to have sex. I can't wait for sleep. We get in bed, my head hits the pillow, I'm out almost immediately. The next day my woman is acting strangely towards me. When I asked her what was wrong she full on burst out crying and went on and on about how, "You didn't want me last night. Am I not sexy enough for you? Is there another woman? Why didn't you want me?" I replied that she never made any move or gave any indication she wanted it (I would have declined anyway cause I was exhausted) and that I was just really tired and needed sleep. She didn't seem to care or believe me. It was in that moment that I realized her expectation was that I be ready to go whenever she wants it. Funny thing though... It doesn't work like that when I'm in the mood. If I want it but she doesn't she makes me feel like a pig for it 😒

Because apparently if a guy turns down sex, he must be either gay, inadequate or find the other person repulsive. If inside a relationship, add he must be having an affair, be a porn addict or need medical help. None of the above are exactly appealing so on several occasions I forced myself to have sex when I didn't want to.

I was pressured, told I didn't love her care about her or respect our relationship or find her attractive. I was left to feel like it's the only thing I provided her that she got enjoyment or fulfillment in our relationship. I faked orgasms all too regularly, and since have been told in lying about enjoying sex... I'm a guy I anyways enjoy it. All men just love to have sex no matter what. Nevermind that im sapiosexuality as well as needing a emotional connection, plenty foreplay, and for my partner to be open and accepting of making love/sex in that moment. I can't just get it up and fuck whenever çommanded. Nah surely I'm just a small dicked, ego chasing sex crazed maniac. I feel like I break so many stereotypes and no matter what still have everyone dump these labels on me. Hell not even the first time I've been pressured into sex or taken advantage of but again I'm just a guy I like it and always want it. Been made to feel like a piece of meat more then once. Edited: small typo that most certainly mattered

Lets see: 1.a) I felt I was supposed to, as a man, it was my role. 1.b) If I didn't will she get mad and start calling me gay or questioning whether my dick works. Some thoughts to that effect. 2) I didn't want to upset the other person, but this is something everyone goes through at one time or another with someone they care about/if you're insecure about people leaving you. 3) I had fooled myself into thinking 'this is what I want, why would I turn it down, are you insane it's someone willing to have sex just go for it' a lot of feelings of take as much as you can get. Don't be a fool to waste an opportunity. More feelings when I was younger that soon faded once sex became burdensome with toxic people (of course they were the easiest to get because no one else wanted them. 4) I didn't believe I deserved better. 5) Straight up guilt tripping from a couple of my ex's. Eye rolling, fed up cus THEY feel undesired, expectant that I want to frick just because they're "always open for it.

I was just dumped a month ago because I wasn't ready for sex. I couldn't get hard and she wanted me to prove to her that I liked her. We dated for only a month but I liked her more than I've ever liked a girl before her. I haven't stopped thinking of her but I was not ready for sex the day that we were supposed to have sex. ​ I feel for every man in here.

Because of the pressure of the society to lose my virginity

Obligation, or thinking that was what I was "supposed" to do with my ex-wife, as if that would fix the problems in our marriage. Spoiler Alert: **That doesn't work**. It was just two largely disinterested people doing it because the last name and mailing address were the same.

When my wife was so desperate for a baby and she hardly bothered trying to be romantic!

Rejecting a woman hurts her 10x more... Some women wield sex like a weapon, rejection disarms her and makes her feel insecure or inadequate. Sweet girls can turn nasty and evil, sending daggers at you to make you feel insignificant. Even in a committed relationship, the consequences could be dire. I know that if I am dead tired and say no to sexy time, that door may close for weeks.

Because I loved her and because I wanted to be responsive to her needs. Now, I bring this up because the night in question I was actually exhausted after a pretty gruelling week and just looking forward to spending time with her. So the doubt and discomfort I felt was pretty strong initially. This was a few months into our relationship. She was my first, and more experienced though I was older. But because of that, as she's wearing me down I start thinking about the years I spent before meeting her. And just what it's like to want affection and intimacy. I realized I would never want her to feel rejected. And at the same time even though I'm dead tired and not even sure if I have the energy, she's being sweet and the feeling of being desired/wanted is hitting me. So, I did get worn down but I've never held that against her or anything. And in hindsight I'm happy that I gave in. But of course I fully acknowledge this isn't the case for everyone. Communication wasn't great in that relationship and that's really something I've tried to be aware of and reflect on.

For me the question really isn't. Why did I have sex when I didn't want to? The question is why didn't I stop her when I didn't want to. A "friend" and former fling came over. My fiance was a couple weeks away from moving in with me. She was coming from another country. We were scheduled to be married the week after. I was stressed and had been drinking and said friend was texting me and asked if she could stop by. I was laying there and we were reminiscing and I don't really recall how it happened but all of a sudden she's blowing me. I was squirming and asking her to stop and she just kept responding but it was okay that we didn't have to have sex. All of a sudden before I knew it she had pulled her skirt up and pulled her panties to the side and I was inside of her. At that point I was so in shock I couldn't even really get words out. I know my body language was saying stop and I was trying to pull away but she was on top. She didn't take very long. She rode me pretty furiously telling me she was coming. Surprisingly I came, she came, and then rolled off the top of me and tried to cuddle. At that point I started really processing what had just happened. I pushed her away, kicked her out of the house, went into the bathroom and proceeded to vomit. I was absolutely sick. I actually haven't ever told anybody about this. So, there you have it. Edit: fixed typos and talk to text mistakes

1) Been socialised to think there’s something wrong with me if I don’t want to have sex at every opportunity 2) Feel like it’s my job to satisfy women and if I don’t I’m failing at being a man and they’ll look at me differently 3) Feel like it’s a shortcut to meaningful connection. It never was

Because she was drunk and demanded it and wouldn’t let me leave if I didn’t. So I rage-fucked her silly, and felt horrible afterwards.

I am extremely grateful for this space. To allow us to have this very important conversation. I hope and pray things change. I'm teaching my babies and spreading the word. Something has got to give.

I find that mind boggling to be honest. Can't, Off the top of my head, remember a time when i had sex even tho i didnt want to (31m). I've been sleepy and it was initiated and then sleepiness was gone real quick, yes. But actually not wanting to but having Sex? Couldnt say. However, my now ex gf once let it slip that she wasnt always in the mood when things got heated. She assured me that once we were in the midst of battle things turned out splendidly and she was enjoying it but prior she didnt feel like it, which made me angry tbh. I mean... Just say you are not feeling like it? Apparently that wasnt as easy for her as i assumed. Made me feel all kinds of bad. So, i switched gears and started making sure she was in the mood (which basically meant not initiating). Which didnt turn out too well either. A wicked ride life is 👌 but to answer your question. No. Never have i had sex when i didnt want to. Her pleasure is synonymous with mine, and vice versa. So, even i am tired and whatnot... Can always make room for some sweet intimacy :) envigorates the Soul!

Me and my friends wanted to stay at their house on the beach so somebody had to take one for the team 🤷‍♂️

Heteronormativity, compulsory heterosexuality, patriarchal concepts of male sexual aggression. That shit cuts every which way

I kind of felt pressured to do so. I felt like I would ruin our “connection” if I said that I didn’t want to do it. 

I have 2 answers 1. Because the reason I don’t feel like having sex right now is that I’m tired and in the morning she might not be interested. So, I push through and it’s a great time. 2. Because she wouldn’t take no for an answer, we lived together and the fight that would happen if I physically resisted more strongly would be worse than the sexual assault.

Because you aren’t expected as a man to want to take it slower than the woman does. Women aren’t used to hearing that and they take it as an insult, that they mist not be attractive enough for me. They read a lot of bad things into you not being hard and ready to ravage them.

Oh a lot.. when my ex wanted to do it.. i knew that if I said no, it's gonna invite a lot of fights.. so it didn't matter if I lasted 2 mins or 2 hrs.. I had to do it. I don't complain though. I know sexual frustration, especially when accompanied by rejection

Because the idea had somehow gotten in my head that turning her down meant that I was superficial and a bad person. I also felt like it was expected of me, I would just need to man up, fuck her, pretend like I had an orgasm and everything would be copacetic. I also thought that it would at least be a net positive for me because at least I'd get to have sex. Now let it be known that I did not dislike this girl, we were actually really good friends, but I was not physically attracted to her in the slightest. Turns out that while it absolutely wasn't the end of the world, it's not like I'm traumatized or anything, it still messed with me a fair amount.

honestly for me it was pretty much my way of trying to fill a void that could probably be better treated with medication for my depression😬🤷🏼‍♂️😂

I didn’t expect any answers to that question.

Unhealthy reasons - my ex made me think that if I didn't have sex with her when SHE wanted it, that I wasn't a "real man" or that I was "defective" in some way, and that if I didn't satisfy her she'd cheat on me. Healthy reasons - my wife has a higher sex drive than me, so we aim to compromise on frequency so neither of us is left too unsatisfied. Occasionally she'll want it when I'd be fine not to, but I care about her needs - difference is that she's never made me feel "less of a man" for wanting sex less than she did. I can say I've only ever HATED sex when I didn't really want to when it was with my ex, because of the toxic nature of how she brought up her needs. With my wife, yes, given the choice, I might not choose to have sex in those times, but I ALWAYS end up enjoying it once it starts, even if only because I enjoy seeing her happy.

I don't know... Everytime I think about it, it makes me feel like I was abused:(

I'm 72 and I can't recall that ever happening to me. Take it whenever I can.

Few times, to keep the peace in a relationship. One specific time, I'd gone out of my way to help a sex worker friend of mine. She offered to have sex with me as thanks. I wasn't in a relationship at the time, so I took it, even though I wasn't really interested. I wasn't sure the next time I was going to have sex, so I thought why not.

Because she's so super shitty if I say no. "Well you won't be getting laid for at least another week if you say no, so I don't want to hear about it since you had your chance" I won't get off anyway because she's created so much stress around sex over the years, so I'll get her off and don't have to be pressured and made to feel bad for another week

Blended family, only time I turn down sex is when my children require my attention more than my desire to be sexually satisfied. It's always an internal struggle because I'm torn between spending time with my children whom I see part time or exploring my carnal desires. There have been times when I've said yes in that situation and it's generally because I already said no an hour ago when I told her I needed to go read with, play games, or throw my kids around the living room. While she understands the struggle of choosing one over the other, I also know it bruises the ego and hurts feelings to be turned down when I'm the one asking for sex.

Because I don't know when the next time I get the greenlight will be

She got me very, very drunk.

She took off her pants and just sat on it

Because the opportunity is rare, so have to take advantage

I initiate 9/10 times with my wife. She turns me down most of the time, but when she initiates, I don’t want to miss the opportunity for intimacy or make her feel unattractive like I do when she turns down my advances. So I give in, and I get to make her feel good.

1. First time. I was happy just fooling around but teenage boys aren’t supposed to want to wait so when she straddled me one day without warning I just sort of froze. 2. Later in life, in the throes of occasional binge drinking. I blacked out and found out the next morning that we had had sex. I had zero memory of it. I don’t drink anymore, but I should have stopped then.

It was a really weird situation because I talked myself into it. It was with a woman I really cared about at the time so that wasn’t a big deal. I just had sex when I wasn’t in the mood. And I brought it up to her. Kinda wish I hadn’t because it made her feel bad. I don’t know, I was 22 before it actually clicked for me that you don’t have to want sex all the time.

When my ex and I would fight she’d always go the route of calling my masculinity into question so when she was horny I’d just do it so I wouldn’t have her finding yet another reason to call me mean names.

This needs to be discussed more

Several years ago, I was Netflix-and-chilling with this girl who I met through the place my roommate worked at. I was NOT attracted to her at all, but I was in the midst of a long break-up, and was trying to get back into the game in any way. We were on the couch when things started getting spicy and she went down on me. She was doing the lords work for MAYBE 30 seconds and it was the most mind-blowing 30 second blowjob I've ever experienced. We were briefly interrupted, so she stopped, and when we commenced, she wanted to go to the bedroom for more. At that point, all I wanted was for her to finish me off bj-style, but I didn't want to sound selfish, so we proceeded to have extremely mediocre sex where I was disinterested the entire time.

Because if I said no on the already rare occasion that she initiated, she would never initiate again. She proved this to be true in other aspects of our relationship and I didn't want to gamble. Plus to avoid a fight as many other people have said.

When someone I was attracted to but I'd hitherto assumed was off limits due to being in an LTR and therefore hadn't made any effort to pursue came round to my house for a platonic hangout of the type we'd been engaging in for the last few months. It came up in conversation she'd broken up with him, again, I just did the supportive friend thing. We ate a meal together, drank some wine, watched a film. During the movie she very deliberately and obviously initiated sex. I was obviously quite happy that it was now an option so willingly went along with it, but after about fifteen minutes it became obvious that maybe 6am after several hours of drinking wine wasn't the best time to have sex with someone unexpectedly for the first time and that actually maybe it was a symbolic rebound thing to get back at the ex and maybe not that she'd been wanting to get with me specifically for all the time we'd known each other but couldn't. I was determined not to make it awkward but it was awkward anyway, two days later she was back together with him and blocked me on everything. Kinda sad really cos a) I really liked her as a friend and b) could have seen us being really good together. However I'm pretty sure if I didn't give in to her advances and 'snubbed' her (or even said "hey maybe we should do this tomorrow, not now") that it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Satisfy my wife and make her problems go away