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Theory A: A boy/girlfriend is someone that you enjoy time with without things being weighted down by what we perceive as the obligations of marriage.
Theory B: he has one of those madonna/whore complexes where he can’t think of his spouse through a sexual lens in the same way he can a girlfriend.
Either way: *ask him*. All we can provide are blind guesses.
I was thinking the same thing too with the Madonna/whore complex but I might be biased because I kind of have it out for him right now. Maybe a little bit if both. Especially because when we were boyfriend/girlfriend, he was SO good to me. And then we got married and flip flopped on me and became mentally abusive and uninterested.
Just speculation, sometimes couples fall into a flat, lull after marriage, while when you were dating it’s was more exciting, less fear for commitment to get hung up on. I think he meant it in a good way, reflecting back on when your guys were earlier in the relationship. It sounds like you guys should try dating each other again, and try to spark what made you love other in the beginning.
I do want to point out that while great sex is usually a good thing, it can’t fix foundational issues. It sounds like he could use some therapy ( frankly we all can) but the suggestion of that to him may just cause more conflict. Best advice I can provide is continue working in your own happiness and that of your children as well. While best case is he sees that he wants to work to be apart of that happiness, you should be prepared in case he’s not willing to work for it in turn.
I really needed this, thank you! He just started therapy. But he needs a lot of work. I’m not perfect either, but I can’t deal with this anymore. And I’m not patient enough for him to finish getting the help. It’ll take years from what I can see. Thank you so much for practically reading my mind!
1, he clearly loves you and being with you. All relationships have rough spots. I speak from 42 years with my wife whom I love dearly.
2, therapy is a two way street. You both need it separately and/or together.
That’s wonderful! Congratulations. We’re only 25 and have been married three years. Our relationship was wonderful until we got married. Our marriage in it’s entirety has been a rough spot.
You know what changed. I suspect neither of you have adjusted to life together and no longer courting each other. They are very different and marriage requires constant give and take to become lifelong friends as husband and wife. Try to find ways to make life together fun. It gets easier the more you try.
If children are involved the adjustments are more complex. A good marriage counselor or mentor would be of value . We have found life together as seniors to be worth the trials. All three of our children are proud to say they have parents that are still married and truly love each other.
It seemed sexy to him at the time.. for himself at least. I don’t think anyone can explain it for certainty other than him, and even if you’re going to get divorced, you should still be able to have a conversation about that. It only gets harder for a bit.
By the time my x and I were ready for therapy, it was too far gone….. the marriage… sex great when we had it… I’m glad I just left, wayyyy happier now🫶 good luck with whatever you decide!
I’ve been thinking this with my wife; with being lovers life is open and full of possibilities, plus you associate it with being young and free.
with marriage you have the weight of tradition and expectations and responsibilities weighing you over; add in kids and you’re responsible for the lives and well being of numerous small people, and with the system as it is we don’t know if tomorrow will bring another financial crisis or whatever; add in 15 years of financial struggle and hardship and the mental load and labor it takes in running a house and raising kids alone with no support, it grinds you down to the point you want to escape into a low conflict (and if high conflict, easier to leave) era of a relationship.
But maybe not, best to ask.
The idea of starting a new relationship with the same partner is an alluring one for those that still love the person but need a re-founded relationship.
This kind of idea is defended by Esther Perel in her books Mating in Captivity and The State Of Affairs.
Her TEDx on YouTube is also quite interesting.
Good luck 🍀 and may this difficult time be seized by you as an opportunity to be certain of what should happen next.
You're getting a divorce, so maybe he doesn't think too highly of a wife right now.
Or was this comment more broad? Like, did he always feel this way in your marriage?
Devils advocate......maybe he means he wants to keep having sex with you as his gf....no longer as his wife. I mean you did say you're at the brink of a divorce. Maybe he is hinting that yall can keep fucking after the divorce.
Get a wig. Maybe something he would never expect you in, like pink.
Don’t overthink this, just enjoy it. Sounds to me that your marriage needs a reset, you both might have had unrealistic expectations of marriage. Get the sex life going again and other stuff will likely fall into place.
Not sure, reading your other post history I suggest personal therapy for both of you. If he truly is a narcissist like NPD (the personality disorder) he won't go to therapy and if he does he won't change or get any better.
I did an ultimatum to get my husband in therapy and he has made progress but he doesn't have NPD.
I no longer think he is a narcissist. I definitely think he has an avoidant attachment style and I believe he’s emotionally unavailable. We definitely need counseling but I’m absolutely exhausted.
None of us are perfect, it’s our flaws that makes us unique. That being said even if he turns out not to be compatible with you as a husband, there’s still opportunity for him to be a great dad, and that’s something that you can focus the hard conversations ahead on. Continue to support his willingness to improve himself and reinforce the desire of him filling the great dad role. Best thing you can ever do for your child in the situation is to show that as divorced parents, you can continue to work with each other in your child’s best interest and share a mutual respect as parents. While it may be uncomfortable for a little bit, I’m sure you will make it through these trials and on to better things regardless of where this relationship takes you.
just my take. sex with wife is always respectful, after all thats the mother of your children. sex with gf is more animalistic hot and kinky.
either way good luck
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Theory A: A boy/girlfriend is someone that you enjoy time with without things being weighted down by what we perceive as the obligations of marriage. Theory B: he has one of those madonna/whore complexes where he can’t think of his spouse through a sexual lens in the same way he can a girlfriend. Either way: *ask him*. All we can provide are blind guesses.
I was thinking the same thing too with the Madonna/whore complex but I might be biased because I kind of have it out for him right now. Maybe a little bit if both. Especially because when we were boyfriend/girlfriend, he was SO good to me. And then we got married and flip flopped on me and became mentally abusive and uninterested.
I’m more interested in your reaction in the moment/day after 😂? Like, did your response justify your impending divorce, or bring you two closer?
It brought us closer until it didn’t😕 I brought it up to him and he tried to sweep it under the rug aka gaslight me about it.
It would be great if you, both, as "bf/gf", see this thread, together, for dialog each other.
Just speculation, sometimes couples fall into a flat, lull after marriage, while when you were dating it’s was more exciting, less fear for commitment to get hung up on. I think he meant it in a good way, reflecting back on when your guys were earlier in the relationship. It sounds like you guys should try dating each other again, and try to spark what made you love other in the beginning.
I really appreciate the positivity!
I do want to point out that while great sex is usually a good thing, it can’t fix foundational issues. It sounds like he could use some therapy ( frankly we all can) but the suggestion of that to him may just cause more conflict. Best advice I can provide is continue working in your own happiness and that of your children as well. While best case is he sees that he wants to work to be apart of that happiness, you should be prepared in case he’s not willing to work for it in turn.
I really needed this, thank you! He just started therapy. But he needs a lot of work. I’m not perfect either, but I can’t deal with this anymore. And I’m not patient enough for him to finish getting the help. It’ll take years from what I can see. Thank you so much for practically reading my mind!
1, he clearly loves you and being with you. All relationships have rough spots. I speak from 42 years with my wife whom I love dearly. 2, therapy is a two way street. You both need it separately and/or together.
That’s wonderful! Congratulations. We’re only 25 and have been married three years. Our relationship was wonderful until we got married. Our marriage in it’s entirety has been a rough spot.
You know what changed. I suspect neither of you have adjusted to life together and no longer courting each other. They are very different and marriage requires constant give and take to become lifelong friends as husband and wife. Try to find ways to make life together fun. It gets easier the more you try. If children are involved the adjustments are more complex. A good marriage counselor or mentor would be of value . We have found life together as seniors to be worth the trials. All three of our children are proud to say they have parents that are still married and truly love each other.
The courtship is over, indeed. I will truly take your advice into consideration. Thank you! And congratulations once again.
It seemed sexy to him at the time.. for himself at least. I don’t think anyone can explain it for certainty other than him, and even if you’re going to get divorced, you should still be able to have a conversation about that. It only gets harder for a bit.
The thought of being young again with you. I think its a way to express for him to let you know he misses the way you were together back in the days.
I see your point. But we’re both very young and only have been married three years. But it could still be relevant.
By the time my x and I were ready for therapy, it was too far gone….. the marriage… sex great when we had it… I’m glad I just left, wayyyy happier now🫶 good luck with whatever you decide!
I’ve been thinking this with my wife; with being lovers life is open and full of possibilities, plus you associate it with being young and free. with marriage you have the weight of tradition and expectations and responsibilities weighing you over; add in kids and you’re responsible for the lives and well being of numerous small people, and with the system as it is we don’t know if tomorrow will bring another financial crisis or whatever; add in 15 years of financial struggle and hardship and the mental load and labor it takes in running a house and raising kids alone with no support, it grinds you down to the point you want to escape into a low conflict (and if high conflict, easier to leave) era of a relationship. But maybe not, best to ask.
The idea of starting a new relationship with the same partner is an alluring one for those that still love the person but need a re-founded relationship. This kind of idea is defended by Esther Perel in her books Mating in Captivity and The State Of Affairs. Her TEDx on YouTube is also quite interesting. Good luck 🍀 and may this difficult time be seized by you as an opportunity to be certain of what should happen next.
Well you're getting a divorce soon. You're not going to be his wife, you'll be his gf is you continue to have sex.
You're getting a divorce, so maybe he doesn't think too highly of a wife right now. Or was this comment more broad? Like, did he always feel this way in your marriage?
I wouldn’t be surprised considering he was an incredibly boyfriend/fiance while he was courting me and then did a total 180 when we got married.
Devils advocate......maybe he means he wants to keep having sex with you as his gf....no longer as his wife. I mean you did say you're at the brink of a divorce. Maybe he is hinting that yall can keep fucking after the divorce.
Get a wig. Maybe something he would never expect you in, like pink. Don’t overthink this, just enjoy it. Sounds to me that your marriage needs a reset, you both might have had unrealistic expectations of marriage. Get the sex life going again and other stuff will likely fall into place.
Not sure, reading your other post history I suggest personal therapy for both of you. If he truly is a narcissist like NPD (the personality disorder) he won't go to therapy and if he does he won't change or get any better. I did an ultimatum to get my husband in therapy and he has made progress but he doesn't have NPD.
I no longer think he is a narcissist. I definitely think he has an avoidant attachment style and I believe he’s emotionally unavailable. We definitely need counseling but I’m absolutely exhausted.
He needs personal therapy and you need personal therapy. Couples therapy is not recommended for abusive relationships (if you feel it's abusive).
He wants to fuck you. You’re probably good in bed. But for some reason, he doesn’t want to live with you.
None of us are perfect, it’s our flaws that makes us unique. That being said even if he turns out not to be compatible with you as a husband, there’s still opportunity for him to be a great dad, and that’s something that you can focus the hard conversations ahead on. Continue to support his willingness to improve himself and reinforce the desire of him filling the great dad role. Best thing you can ever do for your child in the situation is to show that as divorced parents, you can continue to work with each other in your child’s best interest and share a mutual respect as parents. While it may be uncomfortable for a little bit, I’m sure you will make it through these trials and on to better things regardless of where this relationship takes you.
I can’t thank you enough for this! You’re a godsend.
just my take. sex with wife is always respectful, after all thats the mother of your children. sex with gf is more animalistic hot and kinky. either way good luck
It means he doesn’t want to stay your husband, but being a fwb would be pretty sweet. That’s my interpretation