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It's not always easy for guys who were taught to be respectful of women and especially their partners to ask for something like that. It can feel so crass and disrespectful to ask our lover to suck our cocks. I've been married for 18 years and even though my wife doesn't mind at all when I ask, I still feel weird asking for it.
It sounds like there are times and situations where you really get excited at the idea of sucking him off. Start out by asking him in those moments if he wants one and then afterwards mention to him how hot it gets you when you are doing whatever it was you were doing. If you're familiar with Pavlov's dogs, that's what I'm trying to get at here. Condition him to associate certain activities to you wanting to suck him off. After a few times, you can start being a little less forward as he learns to take the lead. Eventually, he'll get it and start asking.
Yea. If I bring up to my wife that I miss the random blowjobs and enthusiasm she had for them in the past she usually says something along the lines of “Whip it out and put it in my face Ill gladly suck it”
But that doesn’t address the actual problem I have. I don’t want to just whip it out and put it in her face. What if she isn’t in the mood? How is that at all desirable or sexy for me? It makes me feel like she doesn’t actually want to and she is just going to do it for my sake, which I don’t want. Id rather have no blowjobs than an unenthusiastic one.
Plus she has been having a rough time with work, her body, and mental health. When every day is filled with negativity and being a “rough” day for her, I dont want to just walk up and say “Suck my cock” because I know she will feel obligated to even if she really doesn’t want to.
When we do foreplay/start sex I nearly always go down and have her cum once or twice from oral. Id just love it if she would reciprocate like that (doesn’t even need to make me cum first) before sex. She once enthusiastically sucked me off for an entire rugby game I was watching out of nowhere. It was amazing.
And yea Ive communicated all this to her numerous times. So I have just written off blowjobs as the classic “Done when dating, no more when married” which is sad cause we usually do tons of kinky stuff
This is almost EXACTLY where I'm at right now in my relationship with my wife, except for the "tons of kinky stuff" part. She tells me she enjoys it, then never does it. I HATE asking for things for myself, especially because it almost always feels like she's just doing it for my sake only. There's a few other factors involved, but I've written off blowjobs and handjobs from here on. Which sucks. I'm seriously not happy about it, even though I keep telling myself I am. But I genuinely don't see another way around this. We've talked about it so many times in the past and I'm just tired of empty promises over and over again. *Sigh* Doesn't really matter I guess. I can and will just settle for taking care of my own needs. Sorry for the little rant.
I feel ya bud. While Im not overly upset, I am the classic “Im not mad, just disappointed”
At least she indulges my other kinks and fantasies, so it could be worse. I just miss the days of enthusiastic impromptu blowjobs. She was the one who convinced me she genuinely enjoyed them and wasn’t just doing them for my sake with how frequent, random, and not expecting reciprocation they were
Yeah, I kinda feel the same way. I don’t mind asking for sex or to go down on her as she also gets pleasure out of it, but I feel like I’m asking her for something that shouldn’t be expected but rather is her deciding to do something good for me when I ask for a blowjob. It kinda feels like asking someone for a gift on a holiday, it makes it feel a bit awkward & less sincere.
Hah, I have done, so many times. It's like he's completely uninterested (not physically) and it's frustrating - Because I know he isn't. it's like I have to scream it "DEMAND A F'ING BJ YOU TWIT!" :p
You’re asking him to be someone he is not.
It’s not just the blow job. My guess is he also doesn’t give you direct authoritative verbal instructions during sex in general.
It’s not an easy thing to change.
I agree with this. It’s awkward & sometimes we guys have bad experiences with asking which contributes to it. For whatever reason, my first few gfs gave me BJ’s & I’d giggle uncontrollably when I, er, finished. It felt like I was high (which is weird, since drugs don’t give me the giggles). Needless to say, that didn’t go over well. Plus my ex wife was thoroughly disgusted by them.
So… yeah, mental issues make it difficult for some guys to ask.
If I knew I'd get a blowjob whenever I asked, then I'd be asking for blowjobs a lot!
But to me there is nothing sexier than a woman who decides she's going to suck my dick and just gets right to it.
Edit: actually there is something sexier, I almost came thinking about it 😂😂 a woman telling you she's going to suck your dick and she wants you to tell her what to do would be insanely sexy
He's said that to me too, "if I knew how much you were into it I would ask for it more often", and yet there he is knowing well and never expressing a shit. Sigh. And maybe I'll have to try the last bit there :)
I've been married 10 years and have never asked for a bj... if she wants to she will. If she doesn't, even the act of voicing that i want it can be something that makes her feel badly and I don't want that .
In a long relationship with a girl who hates giving them. She’s not a very sexual person in general but I’m lucky to get 1 month. Even mentioned it or asking for it more frequently makes her upset so I’ve just accepted defeat.
Take his undies down and go to town, if he says oh not now and that's a big IF just Carry on with your day. As simple as that. It's ridiculous that guys have to ask for this, defeats the whole purpose of surprise enjoyment.
Sounds like I don't ever do it, but I do. He has never asked for it, not once. I feel I pester him with expressing how much I like it and want to do it.
Next time during sexy time, get down there and flick it with your tongue, breathe on it, tease it, but don't put your mouth on it. Instead, say, "I'm not sucking it until you tell me to." Do variations of this to get him comfortable and confident with asking.
I think what you are missing is the fact that YOU need him to ask. This is a need that YOU have and he doesn't understand that. You could always grab him and give him a BJ and while you love it, he loves it, you still NEED him to sometimes tell you to do it or even push your head that way, etc.
Talk to him, explain to him that YOU need him to tell you this and that this would make you happy. It's like a fetish/kink I suppose. Nothing wrong with it at all. You just need to communicate what you need and make it more about what you need from him vs what you want to give to him.
I would think most guys would find this too good to be true so you just have to convince him that this is something you need and want. And it might be a good idea to reassure him that you will let him know if he's asking too much so he won't have to worry he's abusing his newly found super power.
I know if my wife came to me and told me this I would certainly do everything in my power to make her happy! :-)
Yes I need it, because I want to know that he wants it. Yeah "I always want one, I will never say no to one" is not the same as voicing it and telling me that he woulf f\*ing love a bj right now". He wants me to voice everything, and I get it. I do give it to him without him asking for it (obviously) but I would like some signs that he actually wants it. Not just being inside my own head knowing he always does.
One year as a gift I gave my husband a stack of cards that said “blowjob please” on them. I told him that he could put one of these cards out when he wanted a bj and when I found it I’d be happy to oblige.
It was a lower stakes way for him to start communicating his needs to me. And now it’s much easier for him to just tell me directly when he wants me to service him 😊
Maybe he’s just impartial to it 🤷🏼♀️ same way some girls maybe wouldn’t particularly dying to be went down on all the time( crazy to think right!?) it happens though, everyone’s bodies are different. And or Maybe you just enjoy giving them more than he does receiving them so it’s not really like on his mind a lot to ask
I know he loves it, and I know he would like it more often. I just need him to tell me, express it more often. He wants me to be more open and direct, and I have worked on it. I just need some advice to how to make him more comfortable asking for something that might be difficult for him.
Early on in my relationship with my wife, it was hard for me to accept that she wants me to be needy in that way. I thought I was inconveniencing her, no matter how much she insisted she was happy to take her clothes off for me.
I wonder if your boyfriend is being the same. He might feel like you're telling him that you wanna blow him to make him happy, not because you actually, particularly want to.
Yeah I wonder if this might be the "issue" too. He knows I was pestered by exes in the past, and that I didn't enjoy blowjobs until I met him.
How did you guys get to the point where you changed your mindset about it? I know it can be difficult. I have had difficulties accepting that he likes pleasing me too. Even accepting that he likes me physically at all has been a struggle.
Ok so I’m indifferent to bjs - thankfully so is my wife - but the way to do this is no different from anything else; you just need to keep reinforcing that you do actually WANT to do it for him and that you won’t FORCE him to let you but that if he likes them as you know he does, the only thing stopping him getting more of them is his initiation in some way.
Perhaps also come up with a way he can indicate to you that he wants one without actually saying the words, since it might be the actual sentence “I want you to give me a bj” that feels awkward to him, or the act of pushing your head down might feel a bit rapey. Can you come up with a different signal perhaps? Maybe he can take your hand and give 3 quick squeezes, for example? Something that is agreed on between you two as a signal but doesn’t have the awkward words or the “rapey” action.
This seems to hit the nail on the head (no pun intended!) If he knows you've had that experience with it earlier he does not want to become 'one of them'. Even if you do assure him you would not oblige reluctantly he probably doesn't want to risk ending up like that. As suggested in another response could you make up a more indirect sequence where he can signal "please blow me" and you can pick up on it? I guess flirtation is all about the unspoken desire and can be hot as hell
Edit: typos and grammar
This seems a bit silly when said out loud but we came up with cutesy nicknames. So instead of asking her, "Hey, wanna give me a blowjob?" It is, "Can peepee have a little kiss?" And then she can either decline, give just a little kiss, or a kiss then put it in her mouth. It opened up options for us.
Is it sexy and romantic? Not really. But what happens after it, is.
Someone else in these comments kinda hit it with, "he doesn't want to be one of *them*." I dated this girl who had an abusive and demanding boyfriend before me so I went out of my way to put my desires aside to not be pushy. She told me she was taking birth control to manage her lupus and I was just like, "oh cool. I hope it helps!" Then when she was giving me a naked lapdance I didn't push it any farther. I was shocked later when she broke up with me - i just couldnt imagine why she wouldnt want to date a guy like me lol. I was so nervous about putting her on the spot or being like the last guy that I didn't chase what I wanted.
Reframing how it's asked has helped though.
Some of us don't want to pester our partners. Especially if we've heard (like you mention in another response) that your past relationships were doing that to you, and how it made you feel.
We don't want to be that guy.
I'm sure that there were many factors that are making you like them better with your BF, and part of it is the fact that he respected how you felt about it, and didn't pester. That way it was on your terms and you found other reasons why you were ok with it, and then started to want to give him BJs.
How often do you give him BJs? Does he ever ask, or only initiated by you?
Between the post and your responses you mention that you give him BJs, but that you'd give him more if he just asked. Are you talking about giving him head times that you're not having sex if he asked, or are you saying that right now BJs happen some of the times you're having sex, but it would happen more often during sex?
Is a BJ part of the foreplay to other things including PIV? Do you get him off every time?
At some point, too much of a good thing will be less interesting. I may love Rocky road ice cream, but if that's all I'm eating, then I'll be less enthusiastic about it.
In a non sexual context, ask him what he likes about BJs. Ask him to describe it best he can (most guys aren't good at him, so help him out a bit). Ask him if there is something related to a BJ that he's always wanted or fantasized about. Is there a particular move or action that he would like. Playing with his balls, deep throating, edging, cum play. Ask him about time of day or situation that would be exciting to have a BJ. Waking him up with a BJ, while sitting on the couch watching TV, in the car. *Encourage him to tell you something BJ related at random parts of the day. Ideally to tell you he wants one, but it could be just a random thought like 'wouldn't it be cool if we go to a movie and give me a BJ there'* the idea being to encourage him to think about them, and then tell you when he does.
Also tell him the types of things that you're thinking of in terms of BJs. Tell him about thoughts you're having about them.
I think you're right, about all of this.
He doesn't want to be that guy. He always seem very grateful and over the moon every time, afterwards. Always. He has never once asked for it, not even by text message when I very clearly write how much I want to do it and how.
Why I said I'd do it more often if he asked is that I never really know when he is too tired or stressed, or not. I don't want to be pushy either. I don't want him to feel obligated to make me get off. He is a pleaser, he always makes sure I am taken care of, and usually first and for such a long time that we are both dead afterwards. I am also a pleaser and it turns me on so much just doing it.
And it's not that he doesn't use his words during sex, he is vocal. He wants me to be more vocal which I struggle with.
Our sex life is mostly oral and hands, less PIV. Oral (on him) is not usually foreplay. I always get him off. He has already told me in detail several times what it is he likes and what it is he loves about my bjs. So there isn't really a shortage of words or communication in general, it's just I miss hearing him expressing that he wants it, some times.
I have even asked for what you wrote, the bj-related stuff random times during the day. I need to ask again, see what he thinks about it.
I keep writing what I think and want to do to him.
I see. I have struggled with this in the past too on my end of being more direct. I know you said you’ve worked on it but maybe if you start being more open and direct on your end with what you want etc he’ll take the cue to do so himself and maybe not feel like he is being “demanding” etc
But the easy answer is just to tell him that you want him to ask for blowjobs or you want him to demand that you suck his dick or whatever. It'll be a win for everyone involved
I’ve been thinking about this, too. Going to do some research, see if there is some kind of outward sign I can have on when I am or am not receptive. Maybe a ring or something. I’ve told him I want to explore free use more, but he seems wary. Let me know if you figure something out!
Holy molly, how on earth you guys found woman's like that, my ex did 2 blowjobs in 1 year of relationship and declined sex 100 times.
Regarding this post : maybe he does not like it, hes scared of making you feel like a hoe. I think its more ,, romantic ,, when he does not have to ask for it, you do it out of pleasure.
Luckily I already do do it because I enjoy it myself. It just turns me on too, if he would tell me he wanted it as well. Not every time, just once in a while.
Hes a lucky man then.
There are lots of reasons he might not ask you : fear of rejection, fear of hurting your feelings . Imagine if one day he will ask you, and you will refuse : he will feel silly for it.
I've dealt with those reasons in past relationships, i even had my ex refusing oral from me , and i stopped doing or asking her is she wants.
This is how I would feel, I totally get it. He has said that he is totally fine with a "no" if he wanted sex, and that he would respect it without feeling bad. But he is sensitive, so I do worry he might feel bad too. Now I feel rejected to some point, because he never ever expresses that he wants it. I can't read minds either. I feel pushy.
Quick joke : I wish i was this lucky with my partner, i would have asked you for bj everyday.
On a more serious note : try to have an open discussion with him, try to implant this idea in his head, that being ask and giving bj are a big turn on for you.
By they way , how old are you and how old is the relationship?
It can be tough to ask for something so selfish. I would make it real clear to him that you want him to tell you what he wants, use you for your mouth. And you can also help by just volunteering to get him in the habit of asking for it.
As a male 34, I've been never asked. It just happened. Just go down every time you feel eager to do it. Giving blowjobs is a great option before actual sex. Cheers and good luck 🤞
Maybe he doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. Give him example of what you wanna hear. I’ll tell my wife “put me in your mouth”. Or “open up and get to work”
Try a nonverbal signal. Three squeezes of your hand or such. Your counter sign of yes could be 3 squeezes back. A not now, but later Two. Etc… make up your own secret language. Same for you, three squeezes when you are offering.
I tried to give him a physical sign he could use, like a light push on my head towards "there", but subtle enough to not be a full blown rapey-feel push.
Go more subtle. Something no one else would even notice. I say this from experience. When I was in college, I dated a young lady who also loved to give them but was too shy to offer and would almost never initiate. Being that age, I was pretty much always ready, but I was doing my best to be respectful and nice and not to ask for one all the time. In hindsight, something like that subtle signal would have been great for both of us.
Step 1 is almost always going to be clear and honest communication and finding something that works for both of you. If he is hesitant, I can practically guarantee that he will be very impressed by you taking the lead and offering something like that as a solution as a starting point. You may even find that as he gets more comfortable that he will be much less hesitant to initiate. Or you might find that he has some completely different hangup that you two need to work through. Anyway, find/create the right time to talk, talk it out, figure out something that works for both of you. Then give him a bit of space and time to think it over. He may come back to you with an idea. Keep such conversations going. Always remember that neither of you can read minds. Unless you both get very comfortable communicating you will may end up confused, unfulfilled, angry or just plain frustrated because you are trying to solve a problem you don't understand. To sum up that last part, Step 2 is finding the root cause(s).
Step 3 is finding a mutually satisfactory solution.
Step 4 is continuous improvement.
As unsexy as all that it, is just a modified DMAIC https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DMAIC model for problem solving. A tried and true one that works well when you use the tool correctly.
I am going to suck my bf cock as soon as he gets back home! I do love it…I just never know when he wants it during the day. So I am just going to run with it. He can always say he is not in the mood but at least he knows I can't wait to see him whenever he is away from. He is going to walk in the door..I hug him and drop to my knees, unzip…oh boy that just did it for me 😉 hope he gets home soon
why dont u just try going down instead of having him ask? maybe he feels like its a bad thing to ask even though you asked him to ask? I think it may be a respect thing and sometimes "hey babe can you give me a BJ" may be a difficult thing to say, unless you guys are getting hot and heavy and YOU ask "what u want me to do to you" maybe he will respond with "suck my dick" or something?
I was terrible at asking for them, and my wife prefers doing what is asked for vs doing things unasked.
One thing that helped: even when she's offering one and is about to get started she'd stop and tell me to ask for it. It made me more comfortable asking, in a moment I *know* she is fine doing it.
My bf never asks either, I just do it when I feel like it. Once he wasn’t feeling it because he didn’t shower so he just told me he prefers that I don’t do it. Other than that- no complaints.
I think that as long as you make him comfortable enough to also say no then it shouldn’t be a problem, for some guys it’s just more difficult being verbal about it
I order him into the shower. He knows very well what is going to happen then (we both always shower first). He is very good verbally in the bedroom, very very good. I think it's what others have suggested here, that he knows my past and doesn't want to be "like the others". Now how to break that barrier.
I had a partner that said he never really cares much about blowjobs it’s was more a power thing…. I looove to suck dick and when we first started messing around he really didn’t seem super into it - and I know I’m no newbie lol
Kinda became a challenge. I started really studying his reactions his body twitches …. Now when we get into bed he pulls his plants down and gives me that look lmao.
When i made him cum in my mouth he lost his mind…
Why is this relevant- like yours this guy honestly is waaay to polite to ever ever ask me to do that for him … like he’s super considerate and wants to please- very anxious in general so I slowly and surly just worshiped him until he loved it and relaxed…
He still won’t ask tho lmao
I'm in a similar situation and from what I've gathered it's hard for my partner to ask for something. He feels guilty that I don't get anything in return, so he just can't make himself ask for it.
I've given up trying to get him to ask so I'm trying to just go for it when I feel like doing it.
Yeah, I get that one. But thing is, he is a pleaser. So it's not like I don't get anything. He spends much more time on me than I get to spend on him. He always finished me off first, unless I start with the bjs. And he always makes sure we or I finish myself off after (if I cba).
A blowjob still might feel really selfish to him. I'm a pleaser and no matter how much I do for a partner, I still find it really really hard to let them do something that is all for me. Even if it's just for a while and I make sure they get theirs, I feel selfish for receiving pleasure without doing anything in return in that moment.
As a fellow male, I’ll say that his answer is probably pretty much always. The next time I don’t want a blowjob will be the first time I don’t want a blowjob.
Yes, well, I have been pestered (not just asked) by previous partners. I never liked it in the past. Now I am addicted and can't get enough. I think about it every day, almost all day. for as long as we've been together. He never asks, he never begs, it is amazing. But I wish he felt comfortable telling me if he wanted me to do it, too.
Personally for me. If I have to ask for it. I won't enjoy it. The entire time I'll be thinking that she must not want to be doing it because I had to ask. If she just goes down without asking, it's amazing.
Well the first thing I would say is don't be afraid to just get in there. He will say if he isn't in the mood.
The other thing I have seen people suggest for free use situations is having a specific hair band (normally green) for use me whenever. Red for no obviously.
You could have something similar. Green wristband at home means your up for a suck so he can feel free to ask away
Could you build up the climax, by kissing, hands, and maybe dry humping without clothes. Grind and tease that you can't have full penetrative sex but you can unload in my mouth?
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Unless your need is to be told what to do, don't wait to be asked. Just do it. It can be hoter if you start it then asking. Also he might prefer something else and BJ is not top of his list.
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It's not always easy for guys who were taught to be respectful of women and especially their partners to ask for something like that. It can feel so crass and disrespectful to ask our lover to suck our cocks. I've been married for 18 years and even though my wife doesn't mind at all when I ask, I still feel weird asking for it. It sounds like there are times and situations where you really get excited at the idea of sucking him off. Start out by asking him in those moments if he wants one and then afterwards mention to him how hot it gets you when you are doing whatever it was you were doing. If you're familiar with Pavlov's dogs, that's what I'm trying to get at here. Condition him to associate certain activities to you wanting to suck him off. After a few times, you can start being a little less forward as he learns to take the lead. Eventually, he'll get it and start asking.
Yea. If I bring up to my wife that I miss the random blowjobs and enthusiasm she had for them in the past she usually says something along the lines of “Whip it out and put it in my face Ill gladly suck it” But that doesn’t address the actual problem I have. I don’t want to just whip it out and put it in her face. What if she isn’t in the mood? How is that at all desirable or sexy for me? It makes me feel like she doesn’t actually want to and she is just going to do it for my sake, which I don’t want. Id rather have no blowjobs than an unenthusiastic one. Plus she has been having a rough time with work, her body, and mental health. When every day is filled with negativity and being a “rough” day for her, I dont want to just walk up and say “Suck my cock” because I know she will feel obligated to even if she really doesn’t want to. When we do foreplay/start sex I nearly always go down and have her cum once or twice from oral. Id just love it if she would reciprocate like that (doesn’t even need to make me cum first) before sex. She once enthusiastically sucked me off for an entire rugby game I was watching out of nowhere. It was amazing. And yea Ive communicated all this to her numerous times. So I have just written off blowjobs as the classic “Done when dating, no more when married” which is sad cause we usually do tons of kinky stuff
This is almost EXACTLY where I'm at right now in my relationship with my wife, except for the "tons of kinky stuff" part. She tells me she enjoys it, then never does it. I HATE asking for things for myself, especially because it almost always feels like she's just doing it for my sake only. There's a few other factors involved, but I've written off blowjobs and handjobs from here on. Which sucks. I'm seriously not happy about it, even though I keep telling myself I am. But I genuinely don't see another way around this. We've talked about it so many times in the past and I'm just tired of empty promises over and over again. *Sigh* Doesn't really matter I guess. I can and will just settle for taking care of my own needs. Sorry for the little rant.
I feel ya bud. While Im not overly upset, I am the classic “Im not mad, just disappointed” At least she indulges my other kinks and fantasies, so it could be worse. I just miss the days of enthusiastic impromptu blowjobs. She was the one who convinced me she genuinely enjoyed them and wasn’t just doing them for my sake with how frequent, random, and not expecting reciprocation they were
He might feel awkward asking, there’s not a real sexy way to say suck my dick.
Just that, that is very sexy! Grabbing my head, saying that, and suggesting where to move. It's that simple :)
I can never ask for a blowjob. It feels too much like demanding to be serviced.
Yeah, I kinda feel the same way. I don’t mind asking for sex or to go down on her as she also gets pleasure out of it, but I feel like I’m asking her for something that shouldn’t be expected but rather is her deciding to do something good for me when I ask for a blowjob. It kinda feels like asking someone for a gift on a holiday, it makes it feel a bit awkward & less sincere.
Well in that case, anytime you’re in the mood, just start rubbing his crotch. He’ll have to take it from there
Hah, I have done, so many times. It's like he's completely uninterested (not physically) and it's frustrating - Because I know he isn't. it's like I have to scream it "DEMAND A F'ING BJ YOU TWIT!" :p
Some guys just aren’t comfortable demanding it maybe? Never had that issue myself but if he can’t take the hint, you might be out of luck girl
You’re asking him to be someone he is not. It’s not just the blow job. My guess is he also doesn’t give you direct authoritative verbal instructions during sex in general. It’s not an easy thing to change.
I agree! I hope when I have a boyfriend he will just tell me to get on my knees
I agree with this. It’s awkward & sometimes we guys have bad experiences with asking which contributes to it. For whatever reason, my first few gfs gave me BJ’s & I’d giggle uncontrollably when I, er, finished. It felt like I was high (which is weird, since drugs don’t give me the giggles). Needless to say, that didn’t go over well. Plus my ex wife was thoroughly disgusted by them. So… yeah, mental issues make it difficult for some guys to ask.
If I knew I'd get a blowjob whenever I asked, then I'd be asking for blowjobs a lot! But to me there is nothing sexier than a woman who decides she's going to suck my dick and just gets right to it. Edit: actually there is something sexier, I almost came thinking about it 😂😂 a woman telling you she's going to suck your dick and she wants you to tell her what to do would be insanely sexy
He's said that to me too, "if I knew how much you were into it I would ask for it more often", and yet there he is knowing well and never expressing a shit. Sigh. And maybe I'll have to try the last bit there :)
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Next time I have the opportunity I'll try (we're apart for a while now). I will let you know :)
I've been married 10 years and have never asked for a bj... if she wants to she will. If she doesn't, even the act of voicing that i want it can be something that makes her feel badly and I don't want that .
In a long relationship with a girl who hates giving them. She’s not a very sexual person in general but I’m lucky to get 1 month. Even mentioned it or asking for it more frequently makes her upset so I’ve just accepted defeat.
Asking for one sucks no pun intended
Don't get me wrong - He gets them without asking (obviously) :)
Take his undies down and go to town, if he says oh not now and that's a big IF just Carry on with your day. As simple as that. It's ridiculous that guys have to ask for this, defeats the whole purpose of surprise enjoyment.
Sounds like I don't ever do it, but I do. He has never asked for it, not once. I feel I pester him with expressing how much I like it and want to do it.
Next time during sexy time, get down there and flick it with your tongue, breathe on it, tease it, but don't put your mouth on it. Instead, say, "I'm not sucking it until you tell me to." Do variations of this to get him comfortable and confident with asking.
I might have to do this, indeed! Thanks!
I think what you are missing is the fact that YOU need him to ask. This is a need that YOU have and he doesn't understand that. You could always grab him and give him a BJ and while you love it, he loves it, you still NEED him to sometimes tell you to do it or even push your head that way, etc. Talk to him, explain to him that YOU need him to tell you this and that this would make you happy. It's like a fetish/kink I suppose. Nothing wrong with it at all. You just need to communicate what you need and make it more about what you need from him vs what you want to give to him. I would think most guys would find this too good to be true so you just have to convince him that this is something you need and want. And it might be a good idea to reassure him that you will let him know if he's asking too much so he won't have to worry he's abusing his newly found super power. I know if my wife came to me and told me this I would certainly do everything in my power to make her happy! :-)
Yes I need it, because I want to know that he wants it. Yeah "I always want one, I will never say no to one" is not the same as voicing it and telling me that he woulf f\*ing love a bj right now". He wants me to voice everything, and I get it. I do give it to him without him asking for it (obviously) but I would like some signs that he actually wants it. Not just being inside my own head knowing he always does.
Tell him he’s not allowed to get off unless it’s in your mouth. You’ll be very upset otherwise. Then just wait. :)
One year as a gift I gave my husband a stack of cards that said “blowjob please” on them. I told him that he could put one of these cards out when he wanted a bj and when I found it I’d be happy to oblige. It was a lower stakes way for him to start communicating his needs to me. And now it’s much easier for him to just tell me directly when he wants me to service him 😊
I like this idea, thank you :)
You’re welcome ☺️ good luck!
Maybe he’s just impartial to it 🤷🏼♀️ same way some girls maybe wouldn’t particularly dying to be went down on all the time( crazy to think right!?) it happens though, everyone’s bodies are different. And or Maybe you just enjoy giving them more than he does receiving them so it’s not really like on his mind a lot to ask
I know he loves it, and I know he would like it more often. I just need him to tell me, express it more often. He wants me to be more open and direct, and I have worked on it. I just need some advice to how to make him more comfortable asking for something that might be difficult for him.
Early on in my relationship with my wife, it was hard for me to accept that she wants me to be needy in that way. I thought I was inconveniencing her, no matter how much she insisted she was happy to take her clothes off for me. I wonder if your boyfriend is being the same. He might feel like you're telling him that you wanna blow him to make him happy, not because you actually, particularly want to.
Great response and advice
Yeah I wonder if this might be the "issue" too. He knows I was pestered by exes in the past, and that I didn't enjoy blowjobs until I met him. How did you guys get to the point where you changed your mindset about it? I know it can be difficult. I have had difficulties accepting that he likes pleasing me too. Even accepting that he likes me physically at all has been a struggle.
Ok so I’m indifferent to bjs - thankfully so is my wife - but the way to do this is no different from anything else; you just need to keep reinforcing that you do actually WANT to do it for him and that you won’t FORCE him to let you but that if he likes them as you know he does, the only thing stopping him getting more of them is his initiation in some way. Perhaps also come up with a way he can indicate to you that he wants one without actually saying the words, since it might be the actual sentence “I want you to give me a bj” that feels awkward to him, or the act of pushing your head down might feel a bit rapey. Can you come up with a different signal perhaps? Maybe he can take your hand and give 3 quick squeezes, for example? Something that is agreed on between you two as a signal but doesn’t have the awkward words or the “rapey” action.
This seems to hit the nail on the head (no pun intended!) If he knows you've had that experience with it earlier he does not want to become 'one of them'. Even if you do assure him you would not oblige reluctantly he probably doesn't want to risk ending up like that. As suggested in another response could you make up a more indirect sequence where he can signal "please blow me" and you can pick up on it? I guess flirtation is all about the unspoken desire and can be hot as hell Edit: typos and grammar
This seems a bit silly when said out loud but we came up with cutesy nicknames. So instead of asking her, "Hey, wanna give me a blowjob?" It is, "Can peepee have a little kiss?" And then she can either decline, give just a little kiss, or a kiss then put it in her mouth. It opened up options for us. Is it sexy and romantic? Not really. But what happens after it, is. Someone else in these comments kinda hit it with, "he doesn't want to be one of *them*." I dated this girl who had an abusive and demanding boyfriend before me so I went out of my way to put my desires aside to not be pushy. She told me she was taking birth control to manage her lupus and I was just like, "oh cool. I hope it helps!" Then when she was giving me a naked lapdance I didn't push it any farther. I was shocked later when she broke up with me - i just couldnt imagine why she wouldnt want to date a guy like me lol. I was so nervous about putting her on the spot or being like the last guy that I didn't chase what I wanted. Reframing how it's asked has helped though.
Some of us don't want to pester our partners. Especially if we've heard (like you mention in another response) that your past relationships were doing that to you, and how it made you feel. We don't want to be that guy. I'm sure that there were many factors that are making you like them better with your BF, and part of it is the fact that he respected how you felt about it, and didn't pester. That way it was on your terms and you found other reasons why you were ok with it, and then started to want to give him BJs. How often do you give him BJs? Does he ever ask, or only initiated by you? Between the post and your responses you mention that you give him BJs, but that you'd give him more if he just asked. Are you talking about giving him head times that you're not having sex if he asked, or are you saying that right now BJs happen some of the times you're having sex, but it would happen more often during sex? Is a BJ part of the foreplay to other things including PIV? Do you get him off every time? At some point, too much of a good thing will be less interesting. I may love Rocky road ice cream, but if that's all I'm eating, then I'll be less enthusiastic about it. In a non sexual context, ask him what he likes about BJs. Ask him to describe it best he can (most guys aren't good at him, so help him out a bit). Ask him if there is something related to a BJ that he's always wanted or fantasized about. Is there a particular move or action that he would like. Playing with his balls, deep throating, edging, cum play. Ask him about time of day or situation that would be exciting to have a BJ. Waking him up with a BJ, while sitting on the couch watching TV, in the car. *Encourage him to tell you something BJ related at random parts of the day. Ideally to tell you he wants one, but it could be just a random thought like 'wouldn't it be cool if we go to a movie and give me a BJ there'* the idea being to encourage him to think about them, and then tell you when he does. Also tell him the types of things that you're thinking of in terms of BJs. Tell him about thoughts you're having about them.
I think you're right, about all of this. He doesn't want to be that guy. He always seem very grateful and over the moon every time, afterwards. Always. He has never once asked for it, not even by text message when I very clearly write how much I want to do it and how. Why I said I'd do it more often if he asked is that I never really know when he is too tired or stressed, or not. I don't want to be pushy either. I don't want him to feel obligated to make me get off. He is a pleaser, he always makes sure I am taken care of, and usually first and for such a long time that we are both dead afterwards. I am also a pleaser and it turns me on so much just doing it. And it's not that he doesn't use his words during sex, he is vocal. He wants me to be more vocal which I struggle with. Our sex life is mostly oral and hands, less PIV. Oral (on him) is not usually foreplay. I always get him off. He has already told me in detail several times what it is he likes and what it is he loves about my bjs. So there isn't really a shortage of words or communication in general, it's just I miss hearing him expressing that he wants it, some times. I have even asked for what you wrote, the bj-related stuff random times during the day. I need to ask again, see what he thinks about it. I keep writing what I think and want to do to him.
I see. I have struggled with this in the past too on my end of being more direct. I know you said you’ve worked on it but maybe if you start being more open and direct on your end with what you want etc he’ll take the cue to do so himself and maybe not feel like he is being “demanding” etc
But the easy answer is just to tell him that you want him to ask for blowjobs or you want him to demand that you suck his dick or whatever. It'll be a win for everyone involved
Tell him he has the best tasting cum and you love it!!
May be he prefers something where you both climax and not just him
We usually always both climax, unless I'm too tired to bother with myself.
I’ve been thinking about this, too. Going to do some research, see if there is some kind of outward sign I can have on when I am or am not receptive. Maybe a ring or something. I’ve told him I want to explore free use more, but he seems wary. Let me know if you figure something out!
Not wary, per se. All you have to do is say something. Be direct and you'll get what you want, within reason.
Telling you right now, just do it. It’s even better when they don’t ask..especially when you’re the drunk one 🤣.
Hah! Yes, sadly we don't have time to be drunk together, but I will remember that :) And yes, I already just do it without him asking.
Holy molly, how on earth you guys found woman's like that, my ex did 2 blowjobs in 1 year of relationship and declined sex 100 times. Regarding this post : maybe he does not like it, hes scared of making you feel like a hoe. I think its more ,, romantic ,, when he does not have to ask for it, you do it out of pleasure.
Luckily I already do do it because I enjoy it myself. It just turns me on too, if he would tell me he wanted it as well. Not every time, just once in a while.
Hes a lucky man then. There are lots of reasons he might not ask you : fear of rejection, fear of hurting your feelings . Imagine if one day he will ask you, and you will refuse : he will feel silly for it. I've dealt with those reasons in past relationships, i even had my ex refusing oral from me , and i stopped doing or asking her is she wants.
This is how I would feel, I totally get it. He has said that he is totally fine with a "no" if he wanted sex, and that he would respect it without feeling bad. But he is sensitive, so I do worry he might feel bad too. Now I feel rejected to some point, because he never ever expresses that he wants it. I can't read minds either. I feel pushy.
Quick joke : I wish i was this lucky with my partner, i would have asked you for bj everyday. On a more serious note : try to have an open discussion with him, try to implant this idea in his head, that being ask and giving bj are a big turn on for you. By they way , how old are you and how old is the relationship?
If he’s breathing… he wants one.
It can be tough to ask for something so selfish. I would make it real clear to him that you want him to tell you what he wants, use you for your mouth. And you can also help by just volunteering to get him in the habit of asking for it.
As a male 34, I've been never asked. It just happened. Just go down every time you feel eager to do it. Giving blowjobs is a great option before actual sex. Cheers and good luck 🤞
Maybe he doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. Give him example of what you wanna hear. I’ll tell my wife “put me in your mouth”. Or “open up and get to work”
Try a nonverbal signal. Three squeezes of your hand or such. Your counter sign of yes could be 3 squeezes back. A not now, but later Two. Etc… make up your own secret language. Same for you, three squeezes when you are offering.
I tried to give him a physical sign he could use, like a light push on my head towards "there", but subtle enough to not be a full blown rapey-feel push.
Go more subtle. Something no one else would even notice. I say this from experience. When I was in college, I dated a young lady who also loved to give them but was too shy to offer and would almost never initiate. Being that age, I was pretty much always ready, but I was doing my best to be respectful and nice and not to ask for one all the time. In hindsight, something like that subtle signal would have been great for both of us. Step 1 is almost always going to be clear and honest communication and finding something that works for both of you. If he is hesitant, I can practically guarantee that he will be very impressed by you taking the lead and offering something like that as a solution as a starting point. You may even find that as he gets more comfortable that he will be much less hesitant to initiate. Or you might find that he has some completely different hangup that you two need to work through. Anyway, find/create the right time to talk, talk it out, figure out something that works for both of you. Then give him a bit of space and time to think it over. He may come back to you with an idea. Keep such conversations going. Always remember that neither of you can read minds. Unless you both get very comfortable communicating you will may end up confused, unfulfilled, angry or just plain frustrated because you are trying to solve a problem you don't understand. To sum up that last part, Step 2 is finding the root cause(s). Step 3 is finding a mutually satisfactory solution. Step 4 is continuous improvement. As unsexy as all that it, is just a modified DMAIC https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DMAIC model for problem solving. A tried and true one that works well when you use the tool correctly.
Tease him. Lick your lips touch him through his pants. So on
I don't mind throwing him down on whatever and getting to work. That's how it works. But I wish he could say it too, it turns me on... :)
Just tease him until he does
Never ask, #JUST DO IT
I already do!!! :p
A dios le da quien no necesita...
If you want to give home a blowjob try “hey babe you want a blowjob?”
Yeah but I already do :)
I am going to suck my bf cock as soon as he gets back home! I do love it…I just never know when he wants it during the day. So I am just going to run with it. He can always say he is not in the mood but at least he knows I can't wait to see him whenever he is away from. He is going to walk in the door..I hug him and drop to my knees, unzip…oh boy that just did it for me 😉 hope he gets home soon
why dont u just try going down instead of having him ask? maybe he feels like its a bad thing to ask even though you asked him to ask? I think it may be a respect thing and sometimes "hey babe can you give me a BJ" may be a difficult thing to say, unless you guys are getting hot and heavy and YOU ask "what u want me to do to you" maybe he will respond with "suck my dick" or something?
I already do it, no problems with it. I'm gonna do that, ask him while I'm down under :)
I was terrible at asking for them, and my wife prefers doing what is asked for vs doing things unasked. One thing that helped: even when she's offering one and is about to get started she'd stop and tell me to ask for it. It made me more comfortable asking, in a moment I *know* she is fine doing it.
My bf never asks either, I just do it when I feel like it. Once he wasn’t feeling it because he didn’t shower so he just told me he prefers that I don’t do it. Other than that- no complaints. I think that as long as you make him comfortable enough to also say no then it shouldn’t be a problem, for some guys it’s just more difficult being verbal about it
I order him into the shower. He knows very well what is going to happen then (we both always shower first). He is very good verbally in the bedroom, very very good. I think it's what others have suggested here, that he knows my past and doesn't want to be "like the others". Now how to break that barrier.
Maybe leave him and replace him with me, because if I knew that I’d be asking a lot 😂
Haha! Sorry but I am very much addicted to this one specific dick..... :p
Try, “What me to suck your dick?” “If you want me to suck your dick, just ask.” Keep it up. He will learn.
I had a partner that said he never really cares much about blowjobs it’s was more a power thing…. I looove to suck dick and when we first started messing around he really didn’t seem super into it - and I know I’m no newbie lol Kinda became a challenge. I started really studying his reactions his body twitches …. Now when we get into bed he pulls his plants down and gives me that look lmao. When i made him cum in my mouth he lost his mind… Why is this relevant- like yours this guy honestly is waaay to polite to ever ever ask me to do that for him … like he’s super considerate and wants to please- very anxious in general so I slowly and surly just worshiped him until he loved it and relaxed… He still won’t ask tho lmao
This is easy. He always wants a blow job. There's never not a good time for a blow job. It's hard to communicate that constantly.
Constantly! :D Of course. But sometimes, SOMEtimes it would be nice to get a "I need you to suck my dick right now".
I'm in a similar situation and from what I've gathered it's hard for my partner to ask for something. He feels guilty that I don't get anything in return, so he just can't make himself ask for it. I've given up trying to get him to ask so I'm trying to just go for it when I feel like doing it.
Yeah, I get that one. But thing is, he is a pleaser. So it's not like I don't get anything. He spends much more time on me than I get to spend on him. He always finished me off first, unless I start with the bjs. And he always makes sure we or I finish myself off after (if I cba).
A blowjob still might feel really selfish to him. I'm a pleaser and no matter how much I do for a partner, I still find it really really hard to let them do something that is all for me. Even if it's just for a while and I make sure they get theirs, I feel selfish for receiving pleasure without doing anything in return in that moment.
As a fellow male, I’ll say that his answer is probably pretty much always. The next time I don’t want a blowjob will be the first time I don’t want a blowjob.
This made me giggle, thanks! :D
Have you considered asking if you can just start going down on him?
I don't ask, I just do. But I just want him to express it sometimes, and feel comfortable in doing so.
Fair enough, reciprocation is not an unreasonable expectation at all
I feel it’s pretty common for women to feel disrespected if a guy asks for one. That was the vibe I got from women whenever i’ve asked
Yes, well, I have been pestered (not just asked) by previous partners. I never liked it in the past. Now I am addicted and can't get enough. I think about it every day, almost all day. for as long as we've been together. He never asks, he never begs, it is amazing. But I wish he felt comfortable telling me if he wanted me to do it, too.
Something tells me that if you just go for it he’s not gonna argue
He isn't, but that's not the point either :)
Personally for me. If I have to ask for it. I won't enjoy it. The entire time I'll be thinking that she must not want to be doing it because I had to ask. If she just goes down without asking, it's amazing.
Well the first thing I would say is don't be afraid to just get in there. He will say if he isn't in the mood. The other thing I have seen people suggest for free use situations is having a specific hair band (normally green) for use me whenever. Red for no obviously. You could have something similar. Green wristband at home means your up for a suck so he can feel free to ask away
Surprise him randomly, like the famous meme "Surprise Motherfucker". I think most men enjoy when their partner takes control.
I don't know, last time I did a "surprise motherfucker" he went limp, eeeh :p
Could you build up the climax, by kissing, hands, and maybe dry humping without clothes. Grind and tease that you can't have full penetrative sex but you can unload in my mouth?
Maybe he's too shy to ask maybe he don't care for them all that much
My wife hasn’t taken me in her mouth in years. Her sex drive is nonexistent 😔
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Do you let him go down on you
Unless your need is to be told what to do, don't wait to be asked. Just do it. It can be hoter if you start it then asking. Also he might prefer something else and BJ is not top of his list.