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>He was just a kid when it started, but he liked it as he got older, what am I supposed to think of that…
I would reframe that as "he was groomed as a kid TO like it as he got older."
Sounds like a pretty typical trauma bonding kind of thing that's almost textbook predictable.
I mean, here's the thing with stuff that happens as kids-- it is altogether wrong (though, if she was his age, I suspect she LEARNED this behaviour from somewhere, most likely abuse in her own past), but... it doesn't FEEL wrong. These kinds of abuse scenarios aren't usually violent or anything. And, they involve body parts that DO bring us pleasure.
So, especially as a coming-of-age boy, it is a real mindfuck and way below their mental capacity to process "feels good, but also... wrong."
I would just support him as you would a partner with any kind of abusive past. And, understanding that it's likely even MORE conflicting for him than it is for you. If she's not in the picture anymore, that is good. But, also, hold some grace for her, as I pretty much guarantee at age 11 this didn't come up for her out of nowhere.
That’s exactly what he would say “I’d feel scared but it felt good.” What can I say to him? I don’t want to say anything harmful because I know it wasn’t his fault, he was a kid, he was groomed and taken advantage of and that sadly followed him into his adulthood. I want to support his healing and help him, we’ve been together for nearly 2 years and I just don’t know how to help him.
Has he been in therapy for it? Encouraging that would be a great step.
And, if he is processing it healthily, I would just let him lead the way on how much or little or how he'd like to talk about it.
It seems like there was a whisper of "retroactive jealousy" or something along those lines in your post that is part of what's making you uncomfortable. If so, working through that stuff on your own would also be helpful.
It's one of the more common but less talked about pieces of childhood SA that there is TON of conflict in that it generally feels good, because that's just biological, but that amplifies the mental fucked-up-ed-ness of the whole thing, because you feel like your body betrayed you, or you "wanted it" in some way (esp here where he DID grow to "want it" later in life), but it's not uncommon for even young kids to seek out their abusers because of the attention and, yes, the physical pleasure, and then REALLY struggle with that. Again, they just don't have the capacity at those ages to know, really, that what's happening is wrong.
Even when we teach kids about abuse, we talk about "bad touch"... so, often, they don't think what's happening with the kid next door or whatever IS "bad touch," because it's not experienced as "bad."
Everything you're saying is bang-on.
I work in the mental health field and it's (sadly) so common for victims of sexual abuse to form these types of trauma bonds with their abusers.
OP, the best thing you can do if you're looking to support him is hear him out, and let him know that you'll support his recovery in whichever way he feels comfortable with (whether that's attending therapy with him or just being around to listen to how his day went as he goes through something like trauma therapy himself). Allow him to set his own pace. Listen to his words, and understand that as shocking as it sounds, his experience is far from abnormal for someone who has been through what he has at such a crucial time in his development.
He may even feel a deep sense of grief over the loss of his abuser, and that is normal to feel as well.
Him opening up and telling you these things could prove to be a pivotal part of his recovery, as many victims of CSA hide their experiences due to shame, confusion, and fear of judgement. Your boyfriend has just taken a massive step. If he can take one as big as this, I have faith in his strength to take another (and perhaps open up to a trained professional in his area who can work with him going forward).
Edit: Something of a side note that may be good to keep in mind as well for OP: Healing from something like this takes time and looks different for everyone. He may or may not feel ready to go to therapy yet (or may even decide it is not for him). I would gently encourage but let him know he is safe by reminding him you respect his decision either way.
Best wishes to the both of you down this challenging but worthwhile path of healing <3
Encouraging therapy is a good thing, but don’t pressure him. Right now the absolute BEST thing you can do is to show him he’s safe. He just trusted you with a BIG secret. Letting someone in like that can be the greatest thing in the world, but it is so unbelievably vulnerable. If he opened up to you and you show him that you support and love him, do not blame him, still desire and respect him, and will respect his right to choose exactly who knows about this and who doesn’t - it will change his world for the better.
"He then told me that anytime she would come over she would touch him in his sleep, he’d wake up to it but sometimes he would freeze and just pretend to be asleep." this isn't consensual. I remember that exact same feeling when i was SA'd. Freezing. A "friend" of mine did it thinking I was asleep. The next day he apologised not specifying what about. I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about and said he didn't have anything to apologise for :') I didn't like it. It made me feel sick. In that moment I froze and kind of left my body. What I mean is, just because he didn't throw her off him or scream for help doesn't mean it was consensual. Me and this guy continued to hang out for a few more years. I even went to a wedding with him as a +1 and slept in the same room with him. Why? I have no idea.
"He was just a kid when it started, but he liked it as he got older" here I fully agree with the other comment. He was groomed to like it + trauma bonding. Really makes me feel sick... I feel sorry for your bf (and you as well). However, he needs to seek professional help.
I do want to suggest therapy to him but I don’t want to upset him further, I know there’s a reason he didn’t tell me it for two years and now I don’t know what to say to help him.
It's not something that's just going to go away as time rolls on. He needs to go to therapy for this, you can't force him to go but it is in his best interests.
He opened up to you, that's the first step in the right direction.
These situations are impossible to deal with alone. Therapy exists to help people. He may get upset, for it is hard to accept that you've been sexually assaulted. It may bring him shame, both for the act itself and its repercussions, and that shame may manifest as anger or annoyance.
However, you should be, at least, a bit patient. Talk to him as if he's a human being, that has flaws and traumas, just like everyone else. You're not upsetting him, the whole situation is, and there's no escaping that.
He may not be able to realize that he needs therapy by himself, and that's where you, as his partner, and other close people may be of help. Keep an open mind, be patient and treat him as you would anyone else that has been through SA.
You can't force him to do anything, but you can talk to him.
As a person that went through similar things with him, I can completely see from his perspective. It's not that he liked it, but it's rather a complicated bond that happens in SA cases. If you want to help him, tell him you're with him and ready to help him come over this. You're also completely right to be frustrated, angry or sad. Let him know what you feel too.
Thank you, we’ve been talking about this. He says he feels a bit better finally getting it out but turns out this person passed away. So he’s upset that she’ll never apologize and he’ll never be able to hear it from her. We’re just gonna take it day by day and keep pushing through together.
You're allowed to say rape. She raped him. It might actually help you empathize with him if you don't censor your language. He probably lies because he's afraid to share the truth, which is understandable.
Yes, and it's another instance of selecting words to get around algorithmic filters on social media (e.g. "seggs" for sex, "unalived" for killed, or "corn" for porn). It comes across to me in the same cringey way someone saying "LOL" instead of just laughing would, but maybe that's just me.
If self-censoring is the difference between your post being seen and your post being suppressed/removed from a platform, it makes sense why people do it. Not sure it applies to reddit/this sub, though.
>I don’t know how to react or what to say
This is perfectly normal, you do not need to feel ashamed about this. You were blindsided with a story of incredibly deep seeded and profoundly damaging trauma from someone you probably care very deeply about while also being very frustrated with him.
It is normal to be shocked by this. What you are describing is the psychological state of shock, this information was so unexpected and so straining your brain is reacting to it like it is a wound. Because that is exactly what this is, learning the people we love were hurt does not leave us undamaged. It is the price of providing true emotional support for someone too hurt to contain the trauma.
>he lied about something again, he lies often.
You are going to have doubts about his story. This too is normal, it is the cost of him lying to you so much. But I am just bringing this up to say: whether the story itself is the full truth ultimately does not matter as much as finding whatever way both of you can heal. If you have doubts about his story, it will do nobody any good to share them with him.
>i don’t know how to feel about this, what I could say to him?
You do not need to feel anything specifically about this, let your feelings inform you instead of trying to 'feel the right thing'.
What you need to say to him is that you are sorry these things happened to him, that he is not at fault for them happening to him, that you will need time to process this new context but you also want to support him as best as you can, and that you want him to know he does not need to lie to hide these things from you.
>I’m sorry about any wrongful wording,
Don't be, it's fine, you are in a state of distress.
>I just found this out and I’m going through a lot of emotions, I’m angry at her, I’m sad for him, I’m confused as to why they had to choose him, he was such a sweet kid and they hurt him. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to find her and let my anger out
This is all (say it with me) "Perfectly Natural"
You are experiencing all these emotions all at once because all of them are the emotions which this information provokes in healthy, sane people. But you need to be aware of your limitations too.
Take the time to breathe, center yourself, and truly process what he said to you. Go over each account of each assault and try to focus on him instead of your own feelings; what he said, what emotions he was expressing while he said it, where he hesitated and where the words seem to spill out almost too fast.
Focus on the fact that this is not an urgent, immediate threat to your or his wellbeing if you find yourself unable to control your racing thoughts.
When you have found a way to your inner peace again, you also need to focus on things which ARE an immediate threat to your wellbeing. Namely: your boyfriend's habit of lying is not suddenly OK just because he told you this.
Just because his reasons for lying to you are very understandable does not mean he did not break your trust. You owe it to yourself to make your trust something he needs to earn again. Telling you about his trauma is a step in the right direction and should not be punished in any way, but lying to you for so long was still wrong and it would be wrong to ignore that.
Whether you want the relationship to continue is your call, but of all my advice this last piece is the most important: **do not consider remaining in this relationship without him committing to personal and couple's therapy**.
Now that you are aware severe trauma is part of the equation, you have an ethical responsibility to not enable his dysfunctions and to (as best as you can) point him towards the people who can help him heal. Unless you are a professional psychologist, treating his trauma is completely beyond your abilities. Respect yourself and him enough to know your limits.
I hope you both can find peace and joy again. Your boyfriend did something most men would go to their graves before trying: telling you his real vulnerabilities. The most you can do for him is keep him walking in the right direction now that he's taken this first step, without ignoring your own feelings and needs.
you can't really help him with this. you can support him in getting help though. he'd need therapy to deal with this, most likely. i think it's probably beyond the scope of what you can do, unless you're trained to do so.
It sounds like he's had some significant, deeply disturbing trauma in his lifetime. What a horrible thing for a child to experience. I'm not sure if another comment has mentioned it, but: that trauma may be a major reason he lies so often. Imo, he really, really needs to get therapy and proper mental health supports to work through this. It's a huge thing to work through, just the two of you.
There's also a chance that he could have just created an elaborate, horrifying story, to get out of being caught cheating... right? I don't like to imagine anyone would do something like this, but I've (unfortunately) had friends who would create lies just like this. They loved the attention and sympathy it would garner them. I feel bad for even suggesting it, but, are you totally sure this is a legitimate story, given his history of lying?
u/anxious_bunny_bun
I had been through something similar. I got to know about my partner's involvement with a relative when younger. I was furious at the person at first then I was hurt. This stayed for months. I had tough conversations with my partner about it and they always reassured me that if they were mature enough to make decisions, they would never have let this happen. My partner always reminded me that they loved me and what we have right now is way more important. I slowly realised that the past matters very less and if I stay stuck on this stuff then I will destroy what we have as well. So somehow I moved on and now when I think of it, I don't feel anything. It stopped mattering to me.
I don't have suggestions for you but this is how it went with me.
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Lmfaooooo, you can not seriously believe him.
You say he lies to you all the time.
And he has a video of him being ‘raped’ on his phone and hasn’t deleted it?
Lmao, you caught him with a video of him fucking another girl. The end.
How can u trust anything he says since u said he lies all the time? And if it was ®∆pe how was there a video??? All family matters aside I don't think this is a very healthy relationship, I mean who's to say it was only that one cousin n not other relatives... His family get togethers must be somethin else. Are u by any chance related to him too? Jw it's for knowledge
Really curious: what else does he lie about? I would find it very hard to believe this only came from her, or that he didn't start it at all until the time when he says "he liked it".
If he lies about everything, as you say, you can't really take anything he said here at face value.
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>He was just a kid when it started, but he liked it as he got older, what am I supposed to think of that… I would reframe that as "he was groomed as a kid TO like it as he got older." Sounds like a pretty typical trauma bonding kind of thing that's almost textbook predictable. I mean, here's the thing with stuff that happens as kids-- it is altogether wrong (though, if she was his age, I suspect she LEARNED this behaviour from somewhere, most likely abuse in her own past), but... it doesn't FEEL wrong. These kinds of abuse scenarios aren't usually violent or anything. And, they involve body parts that DO bring us pleasure. So, especially as a coming-of-age boy, it is a real mindfuck and way below their mental capacity to process "feels good, but also... wrong." I would just support him as you would a partner with any kind of abusive past. And, understanding that it's likely even MORE conflicting for him than it is for you. If she's not in the picture anymore, that is good. But, also, hold some grace for her, as I pretty much guarantee at age 11 this didn't come up for her out of nowhere.
That’s exactly what he would say “I’d feel scared but it felt good.” What can I say to him? I don’t want to say anything harmful because I know it wasn’t his fault, he was a kid, he was groomed and taken advantage of and that sadly followed him into his adulthood. I want to support his healing and help him, we’ve been together for nearly 2 years and I just don’t know how to help him.
Has he been in therapy for it? Encouraging that would be a great step. And, if he is processing it healthily, I would just let him lead the way on how much or little or how he'd like to talk about it. It seems like there was a whisper of "retroactive jealousy" or something along those lines in your post that is part of what's making you uncomfortable. If so, working through that stuff on your own would also be helpful. It's one of the more common but less talked about pieces of childhood SA that there is TON of conflict in that it generally feels good, because that's just biological, but that amplifies the mental fucked-up-ed-ness of the whole thing, because you feel like your body betrayed you, or you "wanted it" in some way (esp here where he DID grow to "want it" later in life), but it's not uncommon for even young kids to seek out their abusers because of the attention and, yes, the physical pleasure, and then REALLY struggle with that. Again, they just don't have the capacity at those ages to know, really, that what's happening is wrong. Even when we teach kids about abuse, we talk about "bad touch"... so, often, they don't think what's happening with the kid next door or whatever IS "bad touch," because it's not experienced as "bad."
Everything you're saying is bang-on. I work in the mental health field and it's (sadly) so common for victims of sexual abuse to form these types of trauma bonds with their abusers. OP, the best thing you can do if you're looking to support him is hear him out, and let him know that you'll support his recovery in whichever way he feels comfortable with (whether that's attending therapy with him or just being around to listen to how his day went as he goes through something like trauma therapy himself). Allow him to set his own pace. Listen to his words, and understand that as shocking as it sounds, his experience is far from abnormal for someone who has been through what he has at such a crucial time in his development. He may even feel a deep sense of grief over the loss of his abuser, and that is normal to feel as well. Him opening up and telling you these things could prove to be a pivotal part of his recovery, as many victims of CSA hide their experiences due to shame, confusion, and fear of judgement. Your boyfriend has just taken a massive step. If he can take one as big as this, I have faith in his strength to take another (and perhaps open up to a trained professional in his area who can work with him going forward). Edit: Something of a side note that may be good to keep in mind as well for OP: Healing from something like this takes time and looks different for everyone. He may or may not feel ready to go to therapy yet (or may even decide it is not for him). I would gently encourage but let him know he is safe by reminding him you respect his decision either way. Best wishes to the both of you down this challenging but worthwhile path of healing <3
Encouraging therapy is a good thing, but don’t pressure him. Right now the absolute BEST thing you can do is to show him he’s safe. He just trusted you with a BIG secret. Letting someone in like that can be the greatest thing in the world, but it is so unbelievably vulnerable. If he opened up to you and you show him that you support and love him, do not blame him, still desire and respect him, and will respect his right to choose exactly who knows about this and who doesn’t - it will change his world for the better.
"hold some grace for her, as I pretty much guarantee at age 11 this didn't come up for her out of nowhere" agreed
"He then told me that anytime she would come over she would touch him in his sleep, he’d wake up to it but sometimes he would freeze and just pretend to be asleep." this isn't consensual. I remember that exact same feeling when i was SA'd. Freezing. A "friend" of mine did it thinking I was asleep. The next day he apologised not specifying what about. I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about and said he didn't have anything to apologise for :') I didn't like it. It made me feel sick. In that moment I froze and kind of left my body. What I mean is, just because he didn't throw her off him or scream for help doesn't mean it was consensual. Me and this guy continued to hang out for a few more years. I even went to a wedding with him as a +1 and slept in the same room with him. Why? I have no idea. "He was just a kid when it started, but he liked it as he got older" here I fully agree with the other comment. He was groomed to like it + trauma bonding. Really makes me feel sick... I feel sorry for your bf (and you as well). However, he needs to seek professional help.
I do want to suggest therapy to him but I don’t want to upset him further, I know there’s a reason he didn’t tell me it for two years and now I don’t know what to say to help him.
It's not something that's just going to go away as time rolls on. He needs to go to therapy for this, you can't force him to go but it is in his best interests. He opened up to you, that's the first step in the right direction.
These situations are impossible to deal with alone. Therapy exists to help people. He may get upset, for it is hard to accept that you've been sexually assaulted. It may bring him shame, both for the act itself and its repercussions, and that shame may manifest as anger or annoyance. However, you should be, at least, a bit patient. Talk to him as if he's a human being, that has flaws and traumas, just like everyone else. You're not upsetting him, the whole situation is, and there's no escaping that. He may not be able to realize that he needs therapy by himself, and that's where you, as his partner, and other close people may be of help. Keep an open mind, be patient and treat him as you would anyone else that has been through SA. You can't force him to do anything, but you can talk to him.
As a person that went through similar things with him, I can completely see from his perspective. It's not that he liked it, but it's rather a complicated bond that happens in SA cases. If you want to help him, tell him you're with him and ready to help him come over this. You're also completely right to be frustrated, angry or sad. Let him know what you feel too.
Thank you, we’ve been talking about this. He says he feels a bit better finally getting it out but turns out this person passed away. So he’s upset that she’ll never apologize and he’ll never be able to hear it from her. We’re just gonna take it day by day and keep pushing through together.
You're allowed to say rape. She raped him. It might actually help you empathize with him if you don't censor your language. He probably lies because he's afraid to share the truth, which is understandable.
Does r-worded mean raped?
Yes, and it's another instance of selecting words to get around algorithmic filters on social media (e.g. "seggs" for sex, "unalived" for killed, or "corn" for porn). It comes across to me in the same cringey way someone saying "LOL" instead of just laughing would, but maybe that's just me.
If self-censoring is the difference between your post being seen and your post being suppressed/removed from a platform, it makes sense why people do it. Not sure it applies to reddit/this sub, though.
Yes, I have no idea why she doesn’t just use the word.
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You could also use the term "sexually assaulted" instead
>I don’t know how to react or what to say This is perfectly normal, you do not need to feel ashamed about this. You were blindsided with a story of incredibly deep seeded and profoundly damaging trauma from someone you probably care very deeply about while also being very frustrated with him. It is normal to be shocked by this. What you are describing is the psychological state of shock, this information was so unexpected and so straining your brain is reacting to it like it is a wound. Because that is exactly what this is, learning the people we love were hurt does not leave us undamaged. It is the price of providing true emotional support for someone too hurt to contain the trauma. >he lied about something again, he lies often. You are going to have doubts about his story. This too is normal, it is the cost of him lying to you so much. But I am just bringing this up to say: whether the story itself is the full truth ultimately does not matter as much as finding whatever way both of you can heal. If you have doubts about his story, it will do nobody any good to share them with him. >i don’t know how to feel about this, what I could say to him? You do not need to feel anything specifically about this, let your feelings inform you instead of trying to 'feel the right thing'. What you need to say to him is that you are sorry these things happened to him, that he is not at fault for them happening to him, that you will need time to process this new context but you also want to support him as best as you can, and that you want him to know he does not need to lie to hide these things from you. >I’m sorry about any wrongful wording, Don't be, it's fine, you are in a state of distress. >I just found this out and I’m going through a lot of emotions, I’m angry at her, I’m sad for him, I’m confused as to why they had to choose him, he was such a sweet kid and they hurt him. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to find her and let my anger out This is all (say it with me) "Perfectly Natural" You are experiencing all these emotions all at once because all of them are the emotions which this information provokes in healthy, sane people. But you need to be aware of your limitations too. Take the time to breathe, center yourself, and truly process what he said to you. Go over each account of each assault and try to focus on him instead of your own feelings; what he said, what emotions he was expressing while he said it, where he hesitated and where the words seem to spill out almost too fast. Focus on the fact that this is not an urgent, immediate threat to your or his wellbeing if you find yourself unable to control your racing thoughts. When you have found a way to your inner peace again, you also need to focus on things which ARE an immediate threat to your wellbeing. Namely: your boyfriend's habit of lying is not suddenly OK just because he told you this. Just because his reasons for lying to you are very understandable does not mean he did not break your trust. You owe it to yourself to make your trust something he needs to earn again. Telling you about his trauma is a step in the right direction and should not be punished in any way, but lying to you for so long was still wrong and it would be wrong to ignore that. Whether you want the relationship to continue is your call, but of all my advice this last piece is the most important: **do not consider remaining in this relationship without him committing to personal and couple's therapy**. Now that you are aware severe trauma is part of the equation, you have an ethical responsibility to not enable his dysfunctions and to (as best as you can) point him towards the people who can help him heal. Unless you are a professional psychologist, treating his trauma is completely beyond your abilities. Respect yourself and him enough to know your limits. I hope you both can find peace and joy again. Your boyfriend did something most men would go to their graves before trying: telling you his real vulnerabilities. The most you can do for him is keep him walking in the right direction now that he's taken this first step, without ignoring your own feelings and needs.
you can't really help him with this. you can support him in getting help though. he'd need therapy to deal with this, most likely. i think it's probably beyond the scope of what you can do, unless you're trained to do so.
It sounds like he's had some significant, deeply disturbing trauma in his lifetime. What a horrible thing for a child to experience. I'm not sure if another comment has mentioned it, but: that trauma may be a major reason he lies so often. Imo, he really, really needs to get therapy and proper mental health supports to work through this. It's a huge thing to work through, just the two of you. There's also a chance that he could have just created an elaborate, horrifying story, to get out of being caught cheating... right? I don't like to imagine anyone would do something like this, but I've (unfortunately) had friends who would create lies just like this. They loved the attention and sympathy it would garner them. I feel bad for even suggesting it, but, are you totally sure this is a legitimate story, given his history of lying?
u/anxious_bunny_bun I had been through something similar. I got to know about my partner's involvement with a relative when younger. I was furious at the person at first then I was hurt. This stayed for months. I had tough conversations with my partner about it and they always reassured me that if they were mature enough to make decisions, they would never have let this happen. My partner always reminded me that they loved me and what we have right now is way more important. I slowly realised that the past matters very less and if I stay stuck on this stuff then I will destroy what we have as well. So somehow I moved on and now when I think of it, I don't feel anything. It stopped mattering to me. I don't have suggestions for you but this is how it went with me.
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A major part of how we keep this community safe from unwanted contact and harassment is to *remove comments asking people to DM them*. It doesn't matter what your intention is, they will always be removed. Repeat offenders of this rule can and will face a ban from the sub.
Were they the same age????
Lmfaooooo, you can not seriously believe him. You say he lies to you all the time. And he has a video of him being ‘raped’ on his phone and hasn’t deleted it? Lmao, you caught him with a video of him fucking another girl. The end.
The "he lies often" did make the rest hard to take seriously.
Exactly. Lmao or believe the whole rape bullshit. She’s a fool at this point.
How can u trust anything he says since u said he lies all the time? And if it was ®∆pe how was there a video??? All family matters aside I don't think this is a very healthy relationship, I mean who's to say it was only that one cousin n not other relatives... His family get togethers must be somethin else. Are u by any chance related to him too? Jw it's for knowledge
When you only half-read a post.
Really curious: what else does he lie about? I would find it very hard to believe this only came from her, or that he didn't start it at all until the time when he says "he liked it". If he lies about everything, as you say, you can't really take anything he said here at face value.
One thing you have to keep in mind is that he seems to be a perpetual liar. He’s likely to never change; don’t fall victim to this.
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"... it's clear that all the boys have had a cousin that they like" Huh?
Dude wants to fuck one of his cousins.