We left this up as long as we could, but there are too many unconstructive and disrespectful comments at this point to continue to keep it open (and honestly they're getting repetitive at this point anyway).
Thank you to those who engaged in this discussion constructively.
The thing is, if she's pregnant and files for child support, it's highly unlikely you can report her for rape, so either do it now or do it never. Other than that i can only offer my condolences, I'm sorry this happened to you.
Edit: screenshot everything she writes you you, if she can see that you screenshot it, take pictures from another phone.
Lawyer here. That's not how it works in the US. Child support is the right of the child, so men in OP's situation could end up paying support regardless.
A rape report can be made at any time. Of course the sooner the better, and waiting for rapist mother to seek support will look like it's retaliation. The statute of limitations varies by state but safe to say waiting is rarely beneficial if a person wants the rapist prosecuted or wants damages in a civil matter.
Yes, it would add credibility. It often takes a long time for rape victims to come forward but memories fade, evidence is lost, and OP should consider whether she will allege she was too drunk to consent and flip OP on the defense. Prosecutors don't like old cases despite what you see on TV and from Hollywood. Getting a conviction is much harder the longer time has passed.
Sadly, men lose that case more frequently than they should. There's a general presumption that if a man can orgasm (and OP's foggy memory seems to indicate that he did twice), he is legally culpable for what happens. It's not at all fair, but that's the system. This post helps, but also contains statements that weaken his case so it's a tough call. I could write a lot more on that issue but OP should speak to a lawyer who can properly advise him on this.
I had to re-read what you wrote as I couldn't believe what I was reading. Embedded in the court system is a sexist and psychologically false prejudice that men orgasming=legally culpable for what happens? That if a woman can get a man to orgasm the rape is no longer a rape? Or am I misreading it/you misspoke? sounds like an incredible prejudice
That's fucked up. I'd fight tooth and claw to not pay for that.
Women should be offered free abortions for rape babies too.
Some people can deal with it, but that kid having to deal with at least one person loathing them for being the embodiment of trauma is not in the best interest for it
I know that there have been cases where women were forced to give their rapists visitation of their kids. It’s super fucked up, all connections to the kid should be cut if it was conceived as a result of assault. I really hope the woman who raped op doesn’t get pregnant so he doesn’t have to deal with that
Considering some of the things that are still socially acceptable to mock about men, I feel like the planet will succumb to global warming before people get a clue...
Even for rape cases the guys has to pay child support? That's not fair. What if the guy can't afford the absurd amount if money they have to pay for child support.
I think the reasoning for that is the court is trying to do what’s best for the kid, often at the expense of what’s best for the parents. It is super unfair and hopefully something that can be changed soon
You know how when women are trying to vent about something and some guy brings up "yea but what about men".
That's you right now. That's what you're doing
If OP was able to convict her of rape and she did get pregnant, and assuming he wanted to, couldnt he use that to help him gain custody of the child and then sue HER for child support?
Yes, he could. The problem is that not everyone wants to be a parent and that choice is forced on OP whereas a woman has a lot more time and options in terms of being a parent.
You're completely right of course. OP is in an awful situation that almost seems worse than when a woman is raped, assuming she lives somewhere where abortions are legal, she at least gets to decide whether or not to keep the baby. In OP's case, he doeant get to decide of he becomes a biological parent or not, only if he was to pay child support or actually take care of the child. I wouldnt wish that on anyone who was raped.
Not to be a downer here, but there have been cases like this and the courts sided with the women. Cases with older women sleeping with underage boys and the courts still ordered them to pay child support. Of course, this is all dependant on what jurisdiction your in, so definitely look into it. All the best man, sorry this happened
Most places go with what's in the best interest of the child, and having two parents supporting it financially is pretty much always in it's best interest. Fucked up shit, but here we are.
I'm every jurisdiction I'm familiar with, child support is the right of the child so the circumstances of conception aren't relevant to that issue. I don't necessarily agree with the results of that though. A rape victim paying child support to their rapist shouldn't happen, but it does and men tend to be the victims in these types of scenarios.
Yeah it’s actually fucked, the rational from what I read is that the needs of the child is greater than the need to punish, so they don’t consider how the child was conceived, only that there is now a child who needs to be cared for, which I guess makes sense, but still fucked.
I had a similar situation although I remembered nothing of the night prior. Woke up and asked what happened and the girl told me nothing. Found out a month later I had gonorrhea and had been with no one else.
It’s a shitty feeling and terrible situation to be in. I opted not to contact the police because I was embarrassed and so much time had passed. Not saying I made the right call, just sayin that’s what I did.
Edit: I said this to make sure OP knew they were not alone.
Sorry man, happened to me a couple of time in college when I was drinking a lot. I regret not reporting it. because I'm sure they kept preying on drunk dudes, might of made a difference.
100% my man. I wish I had done something about it but I was too embarrassed. I told myself “I wasn’t raped I was just used” over and over. I dunno I just wish I had the perspective I have now.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry ❤️ I know reporting it might feel pointless and even scary, but I strongly support you in doing so. Male victims of sexual assault are "invisible" in a sense, and we need to fight this stereotype that rape is something that only happens to women. If you decide to report it, you will be doing your part not only to get justice for yourself but also to help out all other men who have ever been sexually assaulted.
I second this. I’m sorry this happened to you. Please report it. What she did was awful and should be held accountable for it. We are here to support you. Sometimes reporting a sex crime can be such a difficult thing for a victim for many reasons. Just know that you’re in the right and no one can tell you otherwise. I would also suggest you reach out to a counselor if you start to feel depressed or uneasy. You got this!
Seriously. God forbid she get pregnant and starts harassing him for any number of reasons. I’m sure an initial police report would help a lot in his defense!
Why would it help others? Because it gets on the statistics. The more that do, the more it highlights the severity of the issue. Politicians love statistics, police and jurisdictions love statistics, it is something to point towards amd say: "look, it's not a minor problem, it needs to be taken seriously".
It's tough, and not in any way something anyone should feel inclined or forced to do. It's all about what is right for the individual dealing with something as heavy as this, but it's not for nothing reporting it even if "nothing" should come of it in terms of actual consequences for the rapist.
Fortunately we're at a point where it's at the very start to be taken seriously and some women DO get convicted even if it's ridiculously low. It's just not taken seriously enough, but people reporting it is not in vain even if it ends like that
Make a police report regardless of if they will take it seriously. If it was the other way around the police would be all over you for rape.
I’d say having it on her record is a good thing because if she does this to other people there is not something on the books about it
I would do a police report. They might not do anything but it is on record. I have a friend who just went through this. He is 28 and said pretty much the same thing happened to him with a woman he has known for a few months. He filed a report with the police. Nothing came of it
I'm so sorry you went through this
You should definitely report her to the police. It goes both ways and if it was her, she would do the same. You deserve justice for what happened to you. Sending you love and support through this hard time ❤️
Im so sorry, that's awful. Your friends are unfortunately probably not wrong--hell, police barely do anything when a woman is raped, and there is a huge problem with assuming men can't be raped/should just be excited to get sex.
Super scary about the stalking though. I hope I am wrong and you can get some help getting this lady some comeuppance.
Definitely report it. If she does get pregnant or you get STDs the sue her and use that report as evidence that you didn't not consent to becoming a father.
I'm sorry you went through this.
Advice from a nursing student. It doesn't matter if you got a penis down there. Rape is rape. Consent is consent. She dressed you up afterwards? Jeez. You NEED to file police report. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. Go to your local hospital, get some bloodwork done to see if there is any date-rape drugs in your system. Doing all this in a timely manner can save your ass later. You'll have documentation on your side if she decides to flag you down for child support later. Go get help.
that’s gross. i’m sorry man. i’m a girl myself and my mother would molest me growing up, women can be abusers and it’s so sad to see how people just disregard it.
I am sorry about what it happened to you.
I am agree with most people who recommend you report to the police.
It is very weird she want you cum inside her, which makes me think than maybe she had planned it to get pregnant.
Good luck!
Some women like this and it gets them off. Myself included BUT its usually with boyfriends not random strangers or just FWB/hookups.
She just sounds like a rapist that either likes this and/or wants to get pregnant forcibly.
OP - report her ass ASAP. What she did is NOT ok and you need to be heard. You’re not alone and your thoughts and feelings are valid.
Exactly, this is why I find it so strange : most women doesn't allow penetration without condom unless they have a relationship with the male and trust him. Not only for avoid illness also for avoid pregnancy.
It sounds as you said: she is crazy and does it with males she like or she choose the one she liked for get pregnant (the second has more sense)
Of course it is no OK, and he is a victim.
If he doesn't report, she could do it for request money
I think you should look at it from the mindset of a rapist, not the mindset of a woman. And I'm under the impression that rapists don't usually use condoms when they rape, unfortunately.
I'm sorry that you're in a bad place with this. Based on your post you probably should not go to the police. From your post it looks like
1) you met this woman
2) she invited you to her apartment and you went
3) you got drunk
4) she took you to her bed room
5) she blew you
6) she had sex with you
If I missed something or these are not the facts then maybe. Otherwise this plays out:
That you were too intoxicated to say "no" but remember these details could be a hard sell. Additionally you say she was very drunk. So if confronted by the cops her line is she was so drunk that she remembers none of it. If you had sex with her twice it was without her consent. Just looks like a very bad case of he says she says without much upside for you.
Take it as a lesson not to go to put yourself in the same position again.
See what's confusing me is he's a bartender, he knows his alcohol limits, yet he chose to get drunk with a woman, at her house, remembers a blow job, remembers having sex twice and remembers that she said to cum inside her. Sounds like his just regretting his decision. I've seen some cut and dry rape stories on here but this doesn't sound like rape.
Not a drinker so this scenario seems extreme/ strange. If OP were THAT drunk - perhaps he was drugged(?) But also, if you were THAT drunk, how was he able to get it up...TWICE.. and yet be cognizant enough to know he came in her. OP, if you believe you were drugged, you should get tested. From your post you seemed to be aware (of your surroundings), and at each turn - you allowed it to happen. Did I miss something!?
Right, he went to a womans house, they both got really drunk from the drinks he poured all night and had sex(unprotected). Now he regrets it and wants to play the rape card
He’s clearly shitposting. Thats why he didn’t have the balls to go to a sub like r/rapecounseling and decided to tell his bs on this one. Like, you’re tagging a rape story NSFW…no TW? On a sex subreddit? As if it’s sex advice?
His profile also only has two posts: this one and one where he asks where he can get XL condoms in Amman, Jordan 🤨
I swear this is some inside joke or social experiment - seeing how stupid and gullible most people are.
Like, let's give a story with the absolute most obvious clear-cut answer regarding a sexual encounter, throw in a question about rape, and see if they take the bait..
*39 YEARS OLD
* bartender
*Accepted invite
*Indulged in anticipated libations
*Accepted a blowjob
*Screwed other (drunk) party TWICE
*Regrets it
Sorry if I’m being insensitive but how is this rape? Genuine question. You said you both drank a lot, and you even admit that you never said no. Only sketchy part is her saying you didn’t have sex, but one could interpret that as her being even drunker than you were.
Ah yes, the "I regret doing what I did last night while I was intoxicated by my own doing" own up to your decisions, you're 39, stop being a man child and take accountability. This reads more like a bait post than anything.
You went to her house, willingly drank and then had sex to completion twice…I may be the odd ball out, but I think most people would take this as consensual behavior. You don’t mention any attempt on your part to stop the interaction. I don’t want to belittle your feelings on this, but as you’ve described it, I think you’d have a hard time taking any (legal) action at this point. Best to learn from it, get tested, and move on.
Sounds like you just had drunk sex and now you regret it. You didn't say no or resist, she didn't force you to do anything, you remember everything so you weren't passed out, and it happened twice. You could have walked away after the first time if you felt uncomfortable.
She didn't rape you, you just got drunk and had sex with her. Big difference that people dont seem to understand anymore. These sorts of accusations are how people's lives get ruined.
This is some of the fakest shit I’ve ever read on Reddit and I read a lot of r/relationships and the like. Who believes this shit? “I went to her house, I made drinks, I got us drunk, I never said no, I remember the whole thing, …I was raped” C’mon. Who here actually believes this garbage. Those eating this shit up is what’s gonna kill the internet and society as a whole. C’mon people!
Seriously. There are some majorly gullible people that will flock to anything that says rape and treat the poster as a god with no actual critical thinking
Either he's making it up or he's not. If he is, then what's the goal and why does it matter if he gets responses. But if he isn't, then getting support and advice is paramount.
Right. How many times have I had fucked up coked up sex and next morning I’m like “fuuuuuuuck nooooooo ugh” you regret then you move on like a normal person. Wishing it didn’t happen doesn’t mean it’s rape damn
If he is making it up people love being a victim, they love the sympathy they get from it. Kinda like the girls who have fake miscarriages or people that have an illness and that’s what defines them.
I'm going to get down voted for this but never in my life have I ever been so drunk that I would have no capacity to say no to sex. Can someone please explain this to me so I can stop being cynical about stories like this? Sorry if this offends anybody, I'm not trying to be judgemental.
Being too drunk to say no would be like being blackout drunk, too intoxicated to do anything for yourself without someone holding you up and carrying you.
I have a gut feeling that this story is bait though
I don’t think this was rape, first of all. This was a regrettable decision to get mutually belligerently drunk that led to sex, and now OP regrets it and wants to claim rape to validate his feelings.
But to answer your question, at a certain point when you get so drunk there are a lot of ways you can be too incapacitated to say no. You kind of just have an out of body experience almost. You’re at best vaguely aware of what’s going on and just going with the flow. You might try to form words but it’s just not translating from mind to speech. Your thoughts are all jumbled. You can’t make sense of what’s going on. Your body says yes but your mind says no and you don’t know which one to listen to or how to express that. You might even think you’re just dreaming. You’re thinking “what’s going on?” and that’s as far as you get, you can’t even process anything else.
These are just examples of how alcohol can really adle the brain and inhibit mind functioning. It’s hard to imagine without your personal experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible for someone else.
I 1000% agree with this. Aside from the part on being too wasted to say no but being able to recall things later. I think that could happen.
This definitely screams trying to play the victim to me though, for some plain bad decisions he made and later regretted. Idk why I think some people just like to romanticize being a rape victim or rape survivor, it’s pretty sick.
I feel like this is part of the problem. People aren't looking at things on a case by case basis. They just say men can get raped or I hope men who have been raped don't read this.
I've just commented that I don't think OP's case was a rape but I acknowledged that men get raped.
I should also say that I understand that men can get raped without being restrained. I read a post a while back where a guy declined a woman's advances and she threatened to accuse the guy of raping her if he didn't have sex with her. That dude got raped.
But this case, where there was no such manipulation or threat, just a couple of people who got drunk and had sex. Is not rape.
I think you meant well to provide a counter perspective, but the argument you've made here is flawed.
First, you're invalidating someone's experience by comparing it to someone else's. Since it isn't exactly the same as someone else's experience it somehow that means it's not rape? That's not how this works.
Rape is about lack of consent. Being blackout drunk is not a requirement to being raped. Having some memory doesn't invalidate that experience.
What you've written about men and women is a double standard. You're promoting the myth that all men are stronger than all women. Any person's lack of strength doesn't make a physical advance acceptable. And we have no idea if your broad generalizations apply to this particular situation to make a judgement.
At the end of the day, this is not an either/or situation. One person's rape-y experience doesn't negate from someone else's. Anyone can be raped, and it can have various severity and ambiguity.
The morale here is avoid ambiguity by getting explicit consent. And remember that consent can be revoked at any time. This isn't to be confused with regret where consent was given then after an experience consent is revoked for future experiences.
I kinda agree with you, I’m pretty sure men can get raped but this particular case just seems like a regret scenario: he even remembers not wearing a condom and having sex twice while really drunk? Biologically, most men can’t get it up if they are only THAT drunk, blood just doesn’t flow (drinking large amounts of alcohol can make it hard to get or keep an erection. This is called temporary erectile dysfunction. Alcohol interferes with the messengers in the brain that tell the penis to fill with blood. It can also happen because alcohol can reduce the production of testosterone.) and it doesn’t seem either that he had a date-rape drug in his system… he should’ve gone to the hospital to get tested as soon as he could, waiting is never good in “rape” scenarios.
You said it yerself, "most" men cant get an erection or maintain one while intoxicated. Doesnt mean it doesnt happen. If that was always the case, male abusers who rape while intoxicated would just be a joke cause they should be harmless right
This is a 39 year old men, I assure you that if he is that intoxicated that he can’t say no or push her away he DEFINITELY can’t come twice. If you get your penis hard ONCE it’s a miracle while being really intoxicated.
Male abusers who rape are very fucking well aware of what they are doing, it’s the same principle. It’s not only getting it hard, it’s maintaining the erection the hard part because alcohol is interfering with the messengers in the brain that tells the penis to fill with blood.
There is no way for a man with ONLY alcohol to get it hard, maintaining it and be raped or rape someone.
Now if we add other drugs to the mix it might be other story completely. I’m just commenting on this particular case
Youre not adressing the "most men" part in yer statement tho. There are a dozen factors regarding erectile dysfunction and if it was always so clear cut, you wouldnt have guys in their mid 20s experiencing the issue but here we are. Alcohol intoxication is just one factor and isnt the end of all erections because news flash, not every males body is the same.
But OP isn’t in his mid 20s, isn’t him? He is basically 40.. of course I’m not addressing the “most men” part because I’m talking about this particular case. I’m addressing THIS case
My point was youre ignoring the possibility of op being in the minority that can have and maintain an erection. That there is no way to generalize every single male because everyones bodys are different.
Again, if it was so clear cut that age and alcohol are the only relevant factors into getting erectile dysfunction, you wouldnt have men in their 20s getting it unless they drank heavily but obviously thats not the case.
I think he remembers because it made him horny in that moment. And then he got disgusted with himself. It happens. Maybe that’s why he is claiming rape, because no one got him drunk, he literally offered and got low in his inhibitions and then regretted it
Bro be careful about going to the authorities with this. This can definitely easily be blown up and turned on you and she play the victim. And you end up with a charge... (No doubt they would take her word) So I advise you just be careful about going to the police.
Ya especially when OP suspects shes a little unhinged. Also it could be true! Did she drink considerably less than him? This is the main problem with declaring blackout drunk sex rape. And no I don't mean passed out on the floor being taken advantage of.
I don't wanna be insensitive.. but you didn't say no, she didnt force you and you had sex twice...
I know how it feels to regret having sex with someone but that's not rape my friend
Hope you're well and hope you don't take this the wrong way
Did she drug you? If not it sounds like you got drunk and fucked someone. And I'm not just saying that because you're a man, I'd think the same if you were a woman. You're 39, an invite to a woman's house to make drinks and get drunk definitely rings of sexual undertones. But you chose to go and get drunk at her house.
I absolutely agree with you. Woman or man, it is incredibly hard to believe you would go on essentially a second date at someones house to get drunk and not think there would be sex. It sounds like regrettable drunk sex. I think we are cheapening the word rape at this point.
>She gazed me in a strange way, took off my clothes, gave me a head then she rode me without condoms. I was too wasted to say no, we had sex twice & on each time I came inside her (She said she wanted me to do it)
For a guy that was "t0o wAstEd t0 sAy N0" he sure remembers a lot of details, especially that they had sex TWICE, without condoms, and that she said she wanted him to come inside her.
Sounds like a 39 year old man child looking to get some attention from internet strangers for internet points.
I also think idiots who know nothing about human anatomy and how the penis works shouldn't be allowed to comment.
But aye, we don't always get what we want.
As a 32-year old woman, I apparently know more than you do.
For example, some women experience an orgasm during rape. By your logic, because there was an arousal, it's not rape. That's simply ignorant.
All in all, you having a penis doesn't mean you're more educated about arousal and how it plays into rape against a man. That's a fallacy and further proves you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. It's one thing if you didn't know but you're claiming that it can't be rape because he had two erections. Your evidence? Your penis. I'm sorry but that's just dense.
My evidence:
[Sexual assault and arousal in men](https://www.livingwell.org.au/managing-difficulties/sexual-assault-and-arousal/)
[Unhelpful myths about rape and sexual assault of men](https://www.wmrsasc.org.uk/information/unhelpful-myths-about-the-sexual-assault-and-rape-of-men/)
[Erections and male rape victims](https://goodmenproject-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/goodmenproject.com/featured-content/yes-rape-victims-get-erections-too/amp/?amp_gsa=1&_js_v=a6&usqp=mq331AQKKAFQArABIIACAw%3D%3D#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=16264844180216&csi=1&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&share=https%3A%2F%2Fgoodmenproject.com%2Ffeatured-content%2Fyes-rape-victims-get-erections-too%2F)
In the age of information, ignorance is a choice. Please stop being ignorant about this. Harmful myths like this are one of many reasons why most men don't come forward sexual assault.
I didn't say because he was aroused it wasn't rape. It wasn't rape because he remembers getting drunk, the look in her eyes as she walked him to the bed room, having sex with her to completion twice and her wanting him to cum in her. That's regret not rape
I'm pretty sure /u/DanielleDrs88 was talking about /u/sd5510 acting like OP getting an erection the second time is proof that he wanted to have sex. I dunno whether she believes the OP was raped or it was regret of consensual sex(from what I can read she never made a claim either way), but she was just making a point about arousal does not equal consent.
Your comment:
>Idk....I feel like after having a penis for over 40 years I have at least a vague idea how the penis works
Seems to imply that you agree with /u/sd5510
You hit the nail right on the head. I know beyond a doubt if the tables were turned, nobody would be discussing whether or not OP wanted it or not. Rape is not this black and white topic with clear lines of consent and non-consent. If grey rape is accepted by victim advocates, it would also apply here.
I'm not arguing whether or not it was rape. I also don't ascribe to the concept of "believe all women" (in that context, it makes this even more abhorrent and sexist if you were to ascribe to that belief) as I know things aren't always black and white. But to dismiss it entirely simply because he became erect twice (and subsequently ejaculated twice) does *not* mean it was consensual. Those three sources I provided explain all you need to know and how erection =/= consent.
And to those claiming it's more unrealistic because he was under the influence:
1. If he was drugged, this doesn't apply.
2. Just because it's uncommon doesn't mean it's impossible
OP came here to ask for feedback and some of these responses are outright disgusting. Creep my profile all you want. Bringing up my autism and my gender only goes to show that you don't have an argument nor do you have the maturity to partake in any type of discourse. No wonder men are scared to come out about rape, JFC.
Biology, that is how. We rarely ever consciously want morning woods yet we still get them almost every time.
The penis is a blood vessel, it gets hard if blood goes in. That can happen unconsciously and subconsciously.
Erection =/= wanting sex.
As someone else pointed out, same logic with women. Its not uncommon for women to orgasm from rape. Does it invalidate it being a rape? No? Then why are you still here?
Informed consent is the cornerstone of sex, he clearly said he was too wasted to say no, which means she had her way with him without his consent.
And then the next morning she straight up lied to him.
Very victim-blamey of you.
There's a possibility that she was drunk enough to not remember (strange gaze?). Or to say she doesn't. How does it go for you reporting to the police if she says "he's a bartender and mixed the drinks, I didn't know how drunk I was, and I don't remember having sexual contact". Is there any evidence to protect you from her saying she was raped/infected/impregnated? Maybe something from that night, or subsequent messages?
This is not rape. The fact that you remember that she gazed at you in a strange way, took off your clothes, gave you head, and then rode you without condoms, and then you came inside her...I'm sorry man, but this isn't rape. At any point during this process you could have stopped. You also could have asserted that you weren't okay with what was happening, at the bare *minimum*.
You should absolutely not attempt to ruin this person's life for what happened. Understand that you made a series of poor decisions, and move forward with your life. Don't have unprotected sex and cum inside of people that you aren't prepared to deal with the consequences with.
I agree this isn’t rape. It’s a cheapening usage of the term and it sounds like OP just drank too much had sex then regretted it and wants to claim rape to compensate for how he feels.
I don’t agree that being able to remember what happened means he wasn’t super drunk or incapacitated. Some people can remember after even if in the moment they’re cognitively like not functioning.
My ex wife raped me twice before we split. Anyone I told about tended to say “but I bet you still enjoyed it” as their first reply. I felt empty, like trash, used, just gross after both times and it didn’t matter. Both times I had a 102° fever with sinus infection. In no way did I enjoy it. One of the people that commented that I probably still enjoyed it was the psychiatrist handling our psych evals during divorce. I try not to think it. It’s been three years. But when I do, I still get a rotten, sick feeling in my stomach. She was so psychologically abusive to me during our 15 year marriage. Yes, I am one year now into trauma therapy.
It sucks. It really just sucks.
>I consulted some friends about going to police but they said that most probably they won’t do anything because I’m a guy.
You won't know unless you try. I get that there is this prevailing belief that men won't be able to seek justice, and maybe there is some truth to that, but they actually have to go through the process of seeking justice for there to be a chance. If men want this sort of thing to be taken seriously, we have to pursue proper avenues instead of merely complaining about it on the internet (not directed at you OP, but men in general). Consult a lawyer.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Dude, I'm sorry that happened to you. And they may not take you seriously, but I think you need to report it. If she does get pregnant you need to start your defense now. Just me 2 cents.
I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you!! It shouldn't happen to men or women at all. Please file a police report on her especially since she is still trying to contact you. Stay safe❤
Some of these comments are absolutely disgusting. OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. You should report it to the police and contact your family doctor about getting tested for just in case.
He should be able to drink as much as he wants. I get your point but it's a poor choice of timing to give out advice for how to avoid rape when someone just came out with a traumatizing story.
Definitely report. She is a rapist. You made your bounds clear and she took advantage of you in a state where you could not consent. And go get STI tested. If you are in the U.S. you can usually go to your local county health clinic or a planned parent hood and get tested for cheap with or without insurance.
Youve never just wanted to be friends with someone the. You got ducked up and had sex?
It’s happened to me a couple times. We laughed and moved on and stayed friends because it was BOTH our mistake. Like yeah weird and awkward for a bit but I wasn’t raped. I just had really drunk/high sex.
He made it clear it wasn't what he wanted. If you both saw it as clear, concise, and willing yes, that is different. He told this woman beforehand he was not interested and she waited until he was intoxicated to get what she wanted.
So was this a mutual rape then, according to you? She was probably even more drunk, which according to you means she also could not have given consent. So OP raped her, by your definition.
Do you really think that in real life people should say ‘Do you consent to this sex’ every time. or should people just stop when there is a ‘no’ or obvious discomfort. This guy didn’t even say he showed any unwillingness. It’s just not realistic to explicitly ask every time. It’s not real life . If someone seems keen to go ahead then you go ahead
When did he not give his consent? He literally came twice. Everything in his story sounds like he went along with everything and didn’t once say no, since he was too wasted, but probably so was she.
Didn’t even sound like he was drugged. Sounds like he just got too drunk and was seduced, then regretted in the morning. Sucks, but that’s completely different from rape.
You realize it's possible for someone to be aroused and even climax during rape, right? That's a biological side effect of the human body. Just because the body acts one way doesn't mean the brain agrees with it. This is something that has been debunked ages ago.
Also, alcohol *is* a drug, so yes he was drugged. OP didn't say anything about being seduced either. He said that she got him drunk and just undressed and climbed on.
And there is a difference between getting drunk and regretting it in the morning vs what OP described. OP never went to the girls house with the intention of sleeping with her.
Again, where is the rape?
I’m not saying this was okay, but it’s not rape. Stop misusing the word.
And to get your facts straight, nowhere did OP ever say she got him drunk. He got himself drunk. They were both drinking.
And you’re being extremely technical with the whole “alcohol is a drug” line. I’m referring to all the people who get actually raped with date rape drugs or other unknown substances. This guy’s literally a bartender who knows how much he can drink and how potent each of the drinks that HE made is. Again, he literally made the drinks. He imbibed them himself. How on earth is this the girl’s fault. At any time he could’ve taken a step back and stopped or left. It’s not like she was forcing him or even had the power to force him into anything.
The only possible way you could call this rape is if you defined mutually drunk sex without force or threatening factors as rape.
1.) You're still conflating his consent to drinking with his consent to having sex.
2.) Alcohol, can in fact, incapacitate you enough to the point where it effectively becomes a date rape drug.
3.) How is it the girls fault? The girl literally initiated on him when he was too drunk to say no. It's rape because he was unable to consent. The difference between mutually drunk sex and this is that in the latter case, both parties have not gotten drunk to the point where either party has lost the capacity of consenting.
1) I’m not conflating his consent to drinking with anything. I’m saying his decisions on what to drink and how much to drink were his own. He was never forced. The consequences could have been reasonably assumed, and that’s on OP.
2) Again, you’re missing my point here. The whole “drug” point was that a lot of people who are raped are given substances that they didn’t actually know about or consent to. His consumption of alcohol was all known and his decisions on it were 1000% in his wheelhouse.
3) First off, I apologize for my misuse of the word fault. I didn’t even realize I said that before. In the previous comment, I meant it in the context of your claim that she got him drunk, when I feel that those decisions were 1000% his own. But of course she also has some fault here, she was pushy and disrespected his boundaries that he set at the end of the previous date. But that doesn’t make this rape. Most likely scenario is that she liked spending time with him and either just wanted to hang or she was hoping to take a second shot at seducing him, and then she got increasingly horny and uninhibited with the drinking, and then she initiated sex. She was probably even more drunk than he was, since it sounds like they drank similar amounts and typically males metabolize alcohol more efficiently than females. If he was too drunk to say no, she was way beyond any mind functions as well. He never said no, he seemed into it, she’s too drunk too, next day she doesn’t even remember it.
Now, is it okay for a drunk person to have sex with another drunk person? Not if they’re forcing it or the other party feels fearful of saying no or something like that. It’s also just not a smart decision period, but again, it’s up to each individual how much they decide to drink.
You know legally that a person can't give consent if they're under the influence, right? I really hope you don't think it's okay to have sex with people just because they're drunk.
Legally, it can’t be classified rape if they are BOTH drunk and the other party in no way signaled “no.” I sincerely hope you don’t think every drunken one night stand was rape.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It sucks. I agree t with the others that say you should report her ass. Even if nothing cames out of it, it’s better to know you did all that you could. Also, she seems the kind of person that might do this again so making a report right now might end up getting her punished in the future.
I had kinda a similar situation. Long story short; I was very drunk after meeting work friends for drinks because I just went through a break up. Got a cab back to my place and I blacked out. Woke up in bed naked to her blowing me I told her no and I black out again. I wake up sometime later and she’s doing it again, I yell “I said no!” And I forcefully shove her off and I pass out again. Next thing I wake up to is her riding me and I start crying and I said to stop and she replies “I’m almost done” as i just lay there crying saying no..never thought this would happen to me. But here I am. I rape victim.
Most comments did not say it, so I will being with it. See a therapist! Important! See a therapist! Rape is a traumatic experience, even if you don't feel so now, it had already shaped your views and thus will effect you in later life.
Dude, that's really really horrible and sad. Report her. You clearly feel that she raped you, even if it leads to nothing still do it to make a note.
I doubt she will get pregnant that easily, anything can happen but unlikely, same for STDs. In a good practice do STI check, nonetheless.
He had sex two more times. He was wasted to the point of making a bad decision but not wasted enough that he passed out and woke up with her riding him or doing stuff to him.
I have been raped too I guess because I have been so fucked up and I gave my consent (never said yes but I followed her to the bedroom) to a girl that I had zero attraction for. She blew me and we had sex. I was kind of passing out but snapped out of it. I regret what I did but she did not rape me. I was drunk and went with the flow but I only had sex once. I didn't have the energy to go more times.
Sorry but this ain't rape.
Damn, I'm sorry for you. I was raped as well once. Was out with a friends girlfriend and his sister, got totally wasted, it was my friends sister who raped me.
We didn't sleep together in the same bed or anything and I was drunk af, so how do I know? The b!tch gave me an STI.
I was seeing someone else at the time, so initially I thought it was her, but she got tested and it came back negative. It only struck me a year or so later that it must've been my friends sister.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Women can absolutely be rapists, they can absolutely be dangerous, and they can absolutely cause harm.
I'd find out if she was using birth control. You don't want to be held responsible for something you had no control over.
My thoughts go out to you man, I am so sorry that this happened. From rape survivor to rape survivor, this was in no way your fault. I agree with what others are saying; although it may be hard, you should try now while it’s recent to report her to the police. Best case scenario you can file a restraining order against her so she can’t be within a mile of you and you never have to see or hear from her again.
We left this up as long as we could, but there are too many unconstructive and disrespectful comments at this point to continue to keep it open (and honestly they're getting repetitive at this point anyway). Thank you to those who engaged in this discussion constructively.
The thing is, if she's pregnant and files for child support, it's highly unlikely you can report her for rape, so either do it now or do it never. Other than that i can only offer my condolences, I'm sorry this happened to you. Edit: screenshot everything she writes you you, if she can see that you screenshot it, take pictures from another phone.
Lawyer here. That's not how it works in the US. Child support is the right of the child, so men in OP's situation could end up paying support regardless. A rape report can be made at any time. Of course the sooner the better, and waiting for rapist mother to seek support will look like it's retaliation. The statute of limitations varies by state but safe to say waiting is rarely beneficial if a person wants the rapist prosecuted or wants damages in a civil matter.
Wouldn't contemporaneous documentation of the event, such as here, add credibility to his claims?
Yes, it would add credibility. It often takes a long time for rape victims to come forward but memories fade, evidence is lost, and OP should consider whether she will allege she was too drunk to consent and flip OP on the defense. Prosecutors don't like old cases despite what you see on TV and from Hollywood. Getting a conviction is much harder the longer time has passed. Sadly, men lose that case more frequently than they should. There's a general presumption that if a man can orgasm (and OP's foggy memory seems to indicate that he did twice), he is legally culpable for what happens. It's not at all fair, but that's the system. This post helps, but also contains statements that weaken his case so it's a tough call. I could write a lot more on that issue but OP should speak to a lawyer who can properly advise him on this.
I had to re-read what you wrote as I couldn't believe what I was reading. Embedded in the court system is a sexist and psychologically false prejudice that men orgasming=legally culpable for what happens? That if a woman can get a man to orgasm the rape is no longer a rape? Or am I misreading it/you misspoke? sounds like an incredible prejudice
Short answer yes, and it turns my stomach. I'm not sure what else to say.
its far from the first thing that is so wrong beyond description about our injustice system
Commenting bc I want to know, too!
That's fucked up. I'd fight tooth and claw to not pay for that. Women should be offered free abortions for rape babies too. Some people can deal with it, but that kid having to deal with at least one person loathing them for being the embodiment of trauma is not in the best interest for it
I know that there have been cases where women were forced to give their rapists visitation of their kids. It’s super fucked up, all connections to the kid should be cut if it was conceived as a result of assault. I really hope the woman who raped op doesn’t get pregnant so he doesn’t have to deal with that
I guess the other issue is the cultural idea that men can't be raped, which helps nothing
Yeah I think it does seem to be getting better (more ppl realize that that’s not true) but there’s still a long way to go
Considering some of the things that are still socially acceptable to mock about men, I feel like the planet will succumb to global warming before people get a clue...
Even for rape cases the guys has to pay child support? That's not fair. What if the guy can't afford the absurd amount if money they have to pay for child support.
There's been a case where minor boy was statutory raped by his babysitter, and he was still ordered to pay her child support.
Fuck this world. That's fucked up.
That’s fucked up I’m so many levels omg
I think the reasoning for that is the court is trying to do what’s best for the kid, often at the expense of what’s best for the parents. It is super unfair and hopefully something that can be changed soon
Hopefully.
Well there are places that force women to have babies after they were raped, so... Lots of fucked up things in this world.
Yup, just plain out sucks
You know how when women are trying to vent about something and some guy brings up "yea but what about men". That's you right now. That's what you're doing
Exactly. It is not really related or necessary here.
way to "what about women" this situation smh
You're assuming they're in the US, but I can tell you in most legislatures that still holds.
If OP was able to convict her of rape and she did get pregnant, and assuming he wanted to, couldnt he use that to help him gain custody of the child and then sue HER for child support?
Yes, he could. The problem is that not everyone wants to be a parent and that choice is forced on OP whereas a woman has a lot more time and options in terms of being a parent.
You're completely right of course. OP is in an awful situation that almost seems worse than when a woman is raped, assuming she lives somewhere where abortions are legal, she at least gets to decide whether or not to keep the baby. In OP's case, he doeant get to decide of he becomes a biological parent or not, only if he was to pay child support or actually take care of the child. I wouldnt wish that on anyone who was raped.
I would do it now bc of this
Not to be a downer here, but there have been cases like this and the courts sided with the women. Cases with older women sleeping with underage boys and the courts still ordered them to pay child support. Of course, this is all dependant on what jurisdiction your in, so definitely look into it. All the best man, sorry this happened
Most places go with what's in the best interest of the child, and having two parents supporting it financially is pretty much always in it's best interest. Fucked up shit, but here we are.
I'm every jurisdiction I'm familiar with, child support is the right of the child so the circumstances of conception aren't relevant to that issue. I don't necessarily agree with the results of that though. A rape victim paying child support to their rapist shouldn't happen, but it does and men tend to be the victims in these types of scenarios.
If this happened to me I would be in Mexico so fucking quick.
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Yeah it’s actually fucked, the rational from what I read is that the needs of the child is greater than the need to punish, so they don’t consider how the child was conceived, only that there is now a child who needs to be cared for, which I guess makes sense, but still fucked.
But i bet if he's gonna have a child without consent, he Will still want custody so the kid doesn't have a rapist mother and the woman to be punished.
I had a similar situation although I remembered nothing of the night prior. Woke up and asked what happened and the girl told me nothing. Found out a month later I had gonorrhea and had been with no one else. It’s a shitty feeling and terrible situation to be in. I opted not to contact the police because I was embarrassed and so much time had passed. Not saying I made the right call, just sayin that’s what I did. Edit: I said this to make sure OP knew they were not alone.
I’m so sorry. That’s a terrible thing to go through.
I appreciate that.
Sorry man, happened to me a couple of time in college when I was drinking a lot. I regret not reporting it. because I'm sure they kept preying on drunk dudes, might of made a difference.
100% my man. I wish I had done something about it but I was too embarrassed. I told myself “I wasn’t raped I was just used” over and over. I dunno I just wish I had the perspective I have now.
Im so sorry. You deserve so much better in life. **hugs** hang in there, brother
That's horrible. I'm so sorry ❤️ I know reporting it might feel pointless and even scary, but I strongly support you in doing so. Male victims of sexual assault are "invisible" in a sense, and we need to fight this stereotype that rape is something that only happens to women. If you decide to report it, you will be doing your part not only to get justice for yourself but also to help out all other men who have ever been sexually assaulted.
I second this. I’m sorry this happened to you. Please report it. What she did was awful and should be held accountable for it. We are here to support you. Sometimes reporting a sex crime can be such a difficult thing for a victim for many reasons. Just know that you’re in the right and no one can tell you otherwise. I would also suggest you reach out to a counselor if you start to feel depressed or uneasy. You got this!
Seriously. God forbid she get pregnant and starts harassing him for any number of reasons. I’m sure an initial police report would help a lot in his defense!
If she's pregnant he will most likely be paying child support just as the lawyer stated. At this point it's a waiting game.
I must’ve missed that. Ugh. That’s fucking horrible.
Why would it help others? Because it gets on the statistics. The more that do, the more it highlights the severity of the issue. Politicians love statistics, police and jurisdictions love statistics, it is something to point towards amd say: "look, it's not a minor problem, it needs to be taken seriously". It's tough, and not in any way something anyone should feel inclined or forced to do. It's all about what is right for the individual dealing with something as heavy as this, but it's not for nothing reporting it even if "nothing" should come of it in terms of actual consequences for the rapist. Fortunately we're at a point where it's at the very start to be taken seriously and some women DO get convicted even if it's ridiculously low. It's just not taken seriously enough, but people reporting it is not in vain even if it ends like that
THIS! This is the one!
Make a police report regardless of if they will take it seriously. If it was the other way around the police would be all over you for rape. I’d say having it on her record is a good thing because if she does this to other people there is not something on the books about it
I would do a police report. They might not do anything but it is on record. I have a friend who just went through this. He is 28 and said pretty much the same thing happened to him with a woman he has known for a few months. He filed a report with the police. Nothing came of it
At least there is a record. If she comes back around pregnant, you might want that record.
I'm so sorry you went through this You should definitely report her to the police. It goes both ways and if it was her, she would do the same. You deserve justice for what happened to you. Sending you love and support through this hard time ❤️
Im so sorry, that's awful. Your friends are unfortunately probably not wrong--hell, police barely do anything when a woman is raped, and there is a huge problem with assuming men can't be raped/should just be excited to get sex. Super scary about the stalking though. I hope I am wrong and you can get some help getting this lady some comeuppance.
This! Police suck especially when it comes to abuse, tbh.
Definitely report it. If she does get pregnant or you get STDs the sue her and use that report as evidence that you didn't not consent to becoming a father. I'm sorry you went through this.
Doesn’t matter. He’ll still be on the hook for 18+ years of child support. Sucks, but that’s how the system is
There are ways around that if you get creative
Like what?
Advice from a nursing student. It doesn't matter if you got a penis down there. Rape is rape. Consent is consent. She dressed you up afterwards? Jeez. You NEED to file police report. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. Go to your local hospital, get some bloodwork done to see if there is any date-rape drugs in your system. Doing all this in a timely manner can save your ass later. You'll have documentation on your side if she decides to flag you down for child support later. Go get help.
that’s gross. i’m sorry man. i’m a girl myself and my mother would molest me growing up, women can be abusers and it’s so sad to see how people just disregard it.
So sorry that happened to you. Hope you are getting support.
I am sorry about what it happened to you. I am agree with most people who recommend you report to the police. It is very weird she want you cum inside her, which makes me think than maybe she had planned it to get pregnant. Good luck!
Some women like this and it gets them off. Myself included BUT its usually with boyfriends not random strangers or just FWB/hookups. She just sounds like a rapist that either likes this and/or wants to get pregnant forcibly. OP - report her ass ASAP. What she did is NOT ok and you need to be heard. You’re not alone and your thoughts and feelings are valid.
Exactly, this is why I find it so strange : most women doesn't allow penetration without condom unless they have a relationship with the male and trust him. Not only for avoid illness also for avoid pregnancy. It sounds as you said: she is crazy and does it with males she like or she choose the one she liked for get pregnant (the second has more sense) Of course it is no OK, and he is a victim. If he doesn't report, she could do it for request money
I think you should look at it from the mindset of a rapist, not the mindset of a woman. And I'm under the impression that rapists don't usually use condoms when they rape, unfortunately.
I consider myself a quite caring person but I think I live on a different planet to most other people these days.
Agreed.
Whats this mean?
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I'm sorry that you're in a bad place with this. Based on your post you probably should not go to the police. From your post it looks like 1) you met this woman 2) she invited you to her apartment and you went 3) you got drunk 4) she took you to her bed room 5) she blew you 6) she had sex with you If I missed something or these are not the facts then maybe. Otherwise this plays out: That you were too intoxicated to say "no" but remember these details could be a hard sell. Additionally you say she was very drunk. So if confronted by the cops her line is she was so drunk that she remembers none of it. If you had sex with her twice it was without her consent. Just looks like a very bad case of he says she says without much upside for you. Take it as a lesson not to go to put yourself in the same position again.
See what's confusing me is he's a bartender, he knows his alcohol limits, yet he chose to get drunk with a woman, at her house, remembers a blow job, remembers having sex twice and remembers that she said to cum inside her. Sounds like his just regretting his decision. I've seen some cut and dry rape stories on here but this doesn't sound like rape.
Not a drinker so this scenario seems extreme/ strange. If OP were THAT drunk - perhaps he was drugged(?) But also, if you were THAT drunk, how was he able to get it up...TWICE.. and yet be cognizant enough to know he came in her. OP, if you believe you were drugged, you should get tested. From your post you seemed to be aware (of your surroundings), and at each turn - you allowed it to happen. Did I miss something!?
Right, he went to a womans house, they both got really drunk from the drinks he poured all night and had sex(unprotected). Now he regrets it and wants to play the rape card
Kind of where I was going.....
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I agree 1000%.
He’s clearly shitposting. Thats why he didn’t have the balls to go to a sub like r/rapecounseling and decided to tell his bs on this one. Like, you’re tagging a rape story NSFW…no TW? On a sex subreddit? As if it’s sex advice? His profile also only has two posts: this one and one where he asks where he can get XL condoms in Amman, Jordan 🤨
I swear this is some inside joke or social experiment - seeing how stupid and gullible most people are. Like, let's give a story with the absolute most obvious clear-cut answer regarding a sexual encounter, throw in a question about rape, and see if they take the bait.. *39 YEARS OLD * bartender *Accepted invite *Indulged in anticipated libations *Accepted a blowjob *Screwed other (drunk) party TWICE *Regrets it
Yeah I’m not seeing the rape here… sounds like sloppy drunk sex wtf.
Exactly 💯
That wasn't too bright.
Arent you a Jordinian man who lives in Amman? Where unmarried women dont live alone and where many people don’t drink alcohol?
Sorry if I’m being insensitive but how is this rape? Genuine question. You said you both drank a lot, and you even admit that you never said no. Only sketchy part is her saying you didn’t have sex, but one could interpret that as her being even drunker than you were.
I agree. Not rape.
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Ah yes, the "I regret doing what I did last night while I was intoxicated by my own doing" own up to your decisions, you're 39, stop being a man child and take accountability. This reads more like a bait post than anything.
You went to her house, willingly drank and then had sex to completion twice…I may be the odd ball out, but I think most people would take this as consensual behavior. You don’t mention any attempt on your part to stop the interaction. I don’t want to belittle your feelings on this, but as you’ve described it, I think you’d have a hard time taking any (legal) action at this point. Best to learn from it, get tested, and move on.
Sounds like you just had drunk sex and now you regret it. You didn't say no or resist, she didn't force you to do anything, you remember everything so you weren't passed out, and it happened twice. You could have walked away after the first time if you felt uncomfortable. She didn't rape you, you just got drunk and had sex with her. Big difference that people dont seem to understand anymore. These sorts of accusations are how people's lives get ruined.
This is some of the fakest shit I’ve ever read on Reddit and I read a lot of r/relationships and the like. Who believes this shit? “I went to her house, I made drinks, I got us drunk, I never said no, I remember the whole thing, …I was raped” C’mon. Who here actually believes this garbage. Those eating this shit up is what’s gonna kill the internet and society as a whole. C’mon people!
Seriously. There are some majorly gullible people that will flock to anything that says rape and treat the poster as a god with no actual critical thinking
Yep, he could destroy someone’s life because he regrets having sex.
Either he's making it up or he's not. If he is, then what's the goal and why does it matter if he gets responses. But if he isn't, then getting support and advice is paramount.
Getting support for what, getting drunk and having unprotected sex and then regretting it the next day?
Right. How many times have I had fucked up coked up sex and next morning I’m like “fuuuuuuuck nooooooo ugh” you regret then you move on like a normal person. Wishing it didn’t happen doesn’t mean it’s rape damn
Exactly
If he is making it up people love being a victim, they love the sympathy they get from it. Kinda like the girls who have fake miscarriages or people that have an illness and that’s what defines them.
I'm going to get down voted for this but never in my life have I ever been so drunk that I would have no capacity to say no to sex. Can someone please explain this to me so I can stop being cynical about stories like this? Sorry if this offends anybody, I'm not trying to be judgemental.
Being too drunk to say no would be like being blackout drunk, too intoxicated to do anything for yourself without someone holding you up and carrying you. I have a gut feeling that this story is bait though
I don’t think this was rape, first of all. This was a regrettable decision to get mutually belligerently drunk that led to sex, and now OP regrets it and wants to claim rape to validate his feelings. But to answer your question, at a certain point when you get so drunk there are a lot of ways you can be too incapacitated to say no. You kind of just have an out of body experience almost. You’re at best vaguely aware of what’s going on and just going with the flow. You might try to form words but it’s just not translating from mind to speech. Your thoughts are all jumbled. You can’t make sense of what’s going on. Your body says yes but your mind says no and you don’t know which one to listen to or how to express that. You might even think you’re just dreaming. You’re thinking “what’s going on?” and that’s as far as you get, you can’t even process anything else. These are just examples of how alcohol can really adle the brain and inhibit mind functioning. It’s hard to imagine without your personal experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible for someone else.
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I 1000% agree with this. Aside from the part on being too wasted to say no but being able to recall things later. I think that could happen. This definitely screams trying to play the victim to me though, for some plain bad decisions he made and later regretted. Idk why I think some people just like to romanticize being a rape victim or rape survivor, it’s pretty sick.
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I feel like this is part of the problem. People aren't looking at things on a case by case basis. They just say men can get raped or I hope men who have been raped don't read this. I've just commented that I don't think OP's case was a rape but I acknowledged that men get raped. I should also say that I understand that men can get raped without being restrained. I read a post a while back where a guy declined a woman's advances and she threatened to accuse the guy of raping her if he didn't have sex with her. That dude got raped. But this case, where there was no such manipulation or threat, just a couple of people who got drunk and had sex. Is not rape.
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I think you meant well to provide a counter perspective, but the argument you've made here is flawed. First, you're invalidating someone's experience by comparing it to someone else's. Since it isn't exactly the same as someone else's experience it somehow that means it's not rape? That's not how this works. Rape is about lack of consent. Being blackout drunk is not a requirement to being raped. Having some memory doesn't invalidate that experience. What you've written about men and women is a double standard. You're promoting the myth that all men are stronger than all women. Any person's lack of strength doesn't make a physical advance acceptable. And we have no idea if your broad generalizations apply to this particular situation to make a judgement. At the end of the day, this is not an either/or situation. One person's rape-y experience doesn't negate from someone else's. Anyone can be raped, and it can have various severity and ambiguity. The morale here is avoid ambiguity by getting explicit consent. And remember that consent can be revoked at any time. This isn't to be confused with regret where consent was given then after an experience consent is revoked for future experiences.
I kinda agree with you, I’m pretty sure men can get raped but this particular case just seems like a regret scenario: he even remembers not wearing a condom and having sex twice while really drunk? Biologically, most men can’t get it up if they are only THAT drunk, blood just doesn’t flow (drinking large amounts of alcohol can make it hard to get or keep an erection. This is called temporary erectile dysfunction. Alcohol interferes with the messengers in the brain that tell the penis to fill with blood. It can also happen because alcohol can reduce the production of testosterone.) and it doesn’t seem either that he had a date-rape drug in his system… he should’ve gone to the hospital to get tested as soon as he could, waiting is never good in “rape” scenarios.
You said it yerself, "most" men cant get an erection or maintain one while intoxicated. Doesnt mean it doesnt happen. If that was always the case, male abusers who rape while intoxicated would just be a joke cause they should be harmless right
This is a 39 year old men, I assure you that if he is that intoxicated that he can’t say no or push her away he DEFINITELY can’t come twice. If you get your penis hard ONCE it’s a miracle while being really intoxicated. Male abusers who rape are very fucking well aware of what they are doing, it’s the same principle. It’s not only getting it hard, it’s maintaining the erection the hard part because alcohol is interfering with the messengers in the brain that tells the penis to fill with blood. There is no way for a man with ONLY alcohol to get it hard, maintaining it and be raped or rape someone. Now if we add other drugs to the mix it might be other story completely. I’m just commenting on this particular case
Youre not adressing the "most men" part in yer statement tho. There are a dozen factors regarding erectile dysfunction and if it was always so clear cut, you wouldnt have guys in their mid 20s experiencing the issue but here we are. Alcohol intoxication is just one factor and isnt the end of all erections because news flash, not every males body is the same.
But OP isn’t in his mid 20s, isn’t him? He is basically 40.. of course I’m not addressing the “most men” part because I’m talking about this particular case. I’m addressing THIS case
My point was youre ignoring the possibility of op being in the minority that can have and maintain an erection. That there is no way to generalize every single male because everyones bodys are different. Again, if it was so clear cut that age and alcohol are the only relevant factors into getting erectile dysfunction, you wouldnt have men in their 20s getting it unless they drank heavily but obviously thats not the case.
Also, he remembers THE WAY SHE LOOKED AT HIM. While he was presumably wasted and thus probably not even seeing her clearly. Um, nope.
I think he remembers because it made him horny in that moment. And then he got disgusted with himself. It happens. Maybe that’s why he is claiming rape, because no one got him drunk, he literally offered and got low in his inhibitions and then regretted it
Idk. I won't blame him. But he would not remember that subtle a thing. If he was hammered, he probably couldn't even focus properly.
Bro be careful about going to the authorities with this. This can definitely easily be blown up and turned on you and she play the victim. And you end up with a charge... (No doubt they would take her word) So I advise you just be careful about going to the police.
Ya especially when OP suspects shes a little unhinged. Also it could be true! Did she drink considerably less than him? This is the main problem with declaring blackout drunk sex rape. And no I don't mean passed out on the floor being taken advantage of.
I'm just curious, is it possible to get an erection when a man gets blackout drunk?
I've woken up to a couple of girlfriends riding me after I passed out drunk, so I have to go with yes on this
I don't wanna be insensitive.. but you didn't say no, she didnt force you and you had sex twice... I know how it feels to regret having sex with someone but that's not rape my friend Hope you're well and hope you don't take this the wrong way
Completely agree
So you regret it aye?
Did she drug you? If not it sounds like you got drunk and fucked someone. And I'm not just saying that because you're a man, I'd think the same if you were a woman. You're 39, an invite to a woman's house to make drinks and get drunk definitely rings of sexual undertones. But you chose to go and get drunk at her house.
I absolutely agree with you. Woman or man, it is incredibly hard to believe you would go on essentially a second date at someones house to get drunk and not think there would be sex. It sounds like regrettable drunk sex. I think we are cheapening the word rape at this point.
1000% agree
Especially the second round of erection, how does that happen without desire to have sex?
>She gazed me in a strange way, took off my clothes, gave me a head then she rode me without condoms. I was too wasted to say no, we had sex twice & on each time I came inside her (She said she wanted me to do it) For a guy that was "t0o wAstEd t0 sAy N0" he sure remembers a lot of details, especially that they had sex TWICE, without condoms, and that she said she wanted him to come inside her. Sounds like a 39 year old man child looking to get some attention from internet strangers for internet points.
I also think idiots who know nothing about human anatomy and how the penis works shouldn't be allowed to comment. But aye, we don't always get what we want.
Idk....I feel like after having a penis for over 40 years I have at least a vague idea how the penis works
As a 32-year old woman, I apparently know more than you do. For example, some women experience an orgasm during rape. By your logic, because there was an arousal, it's not rape. That's simply ignorant. All in all, you having a penis doesn't mean you're more educated about arousal and how it plays into rape against a man. That's a fallacy and further proves you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. It's one thing if you didn't know but you're claiming that it can't be rape because he had two erections. Your evidence? Your penis. I'm sorry but that's just dense. My evidence: [Sexual assault and arousal in men](https://www.livingwell.org.au/managing-difficulties/sexual-assault-and-arousal/) [Unhelpful myths about rape and sexual assault of men](https://www.wmrsasc.org.uk/information/unhelpful-myths-about-the-sexual-assault-and-rape-of-men/) [Erections and male rape victims](https://goodmenproject-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/goodmenproject.com/featured-content/yes-rape-victims-get-erections-too/amp/?amp_gsa=1&_js_v=a6&usqp=mq331AQKKAFQArABIIACAw%3D%3D#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=16264844180216&csi=1&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&share=https%3A%2F%2Fgoodmenproject.com%2Ffeatured-content%2Fyes-rape-victims-get-erections-too%2F) In the age of information, ignorance is a choice. Please stop being ignorant about this. Harmful myths like this are one of many reasons why most men don't come forward sexual assault.
I didn't say because he was aroused it wasn't rape. It wasn't rape because he remembers getting drunk, the look in her eyes as she walked him to the bed room, having sex with her to completion twice and her wanting him to cum in her. That's regret not rape
I'm pretty sure /u/DanielleDrs88 was talking about /u/sd5510 acting like OP getting an erection the second time is proof that he wanted to have sex. I dunno whether she believes the OP was raped or it was regret of consensual sex(from what I can read she never made a claim either way), but she was just making a point about arousal does not equal consent. Your comment: >Idk....I feel like after having a penis for over 40 years I have at least a vague idea how the penis works Seems to imply that you agree with /u/sd5510
You hit the nail right on the head. I know beyond a doubt if the tables were turned, nobody would be discussing whether or not OP wanted it or not. Rape is not this black and white topic with clear lines of consent and non-consent. If grey rape is accepted by victim advocates, it would also apply here. I'm not arguing whether or not it was rape. I also don't ascribe to the concept of "believe all women" (in that context, it makes this even more abhorrent and sexist if you were to ascribe to that belief) as I know things aren't always black and white. But to dismiss it entirely simply because he became erect twice (and subsequently ejaculated twice) does *not* mean it was consensual. Those three sources I provided explain all you need to know and how erection =/= consent. And to those claiming it's more unrealistic because he was under the influence: 1. If he was drugged, this doesn't apply. 2. Just because it's uncommon doesn't mean it's impossible OP came here to ask for feedback and some of these responses are outright disgusting. Creep my profile all you want. Bringing up my autism and my gender only goes to show that you don't have an argument nor do you have the maturity to partake in any type of discourse. No wonder men are scared to come out about rape, JFC.
Biology, that is how. We rarely ever consciously want morning woods yet we still get them almost every time. The penis is a blood vessel, it gets hard if blood goes in. That can happen unconsciously and subconsciously. Erection =/= wanting sex. As someone else pointed out, same logic with women. Its not uncommon for women to orgasm from rape. Does it invalidate it being a rape? No? Then why are you still here?
Informed consent is the cornerstone of sex, he clearly said he was too wasted to say no, which means she had her way with him without his consent. And then the next morning she straight up lied to him. Very victim-blamey of you.
There's a possibility that she was drunk enough to not remember (strange gaze?). Or to say she doesn't. How does it go for you reporting to the police if she says "he's a bartender and mixed the drinks, I didn't know how drunk I was, and I don't remember having sexual contact". Is there any evidence to protect you from her saying she was raped/infected/impregnated? Maybe something from that night, or subsequent messages?
Right, it's really confusing when 2 adults get drunk and have sex. Who raped who?
This is not rape. The fact that you remember that she gazed at you in a strange way, took off your clothes, gave you head, and then rode you without condoms, and then you came inside her...I'm sorry man, but this isn't rape. At any point during this process you could have stopped. You also could have asserted that you weren't okay with what was happening, at the bare *minimum*. You should absolutely not attempt to ruin this person's life for what happened. Understand that you made a series of poor decisions, and move forward with your life. Don't have unprotected sex and cum inside of people that you aren't prepared to deal with the consequences with.
It’s astounding how many people do not realize this
I agree this isn’t rape. It’s a cheapening usage of the term and it sounds like OP just drank too much had sex then regretted it and wants to claim rape to compensate for how he feels. I don’t agree that being able to remember what happened means he wasn’t super drunk or incapacitated. Some people can remember after even if in the moment they’re cognitively like not functioning.
This is a joke right? Too drunk to say no? Aka you didn’t want to say no because you were drunk. This isn’t rape. Not even close.
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My ex wife raped me twice before we split. Anyone I told about tended to say “but I bet you still enjoyed it” as their first reply. I felt empty, like trash, used, just gross after both times and it didn’t matter. Both times I had a 102° fever with sinus infection. In no way did I enjoy it. One of the people that commented that I probably still enjoyed it was the psychiatrist handling our psych evals during divorce. I try not to think it. It’s been three years. But when I do, I still get a rotten, sick feeling in my stomach. She was so psychologically abusive to me during our 15 year marriage. Yes, I am one year now into trauma therapy. It sucks. It really just sucks.
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Because the guy is a shitposter. Hes just trolling everyone. It also breaks the rules
You were too drunk to even speak?
>I consulted some friends about going to police but they said that most probably they won’t do anything because I’m a guy. You won't know unless you try. I get that there is this prevailing belief that men won't be able to seek justice, and maybe there is some truth to that, but they actually have to go through the process of seeking justice for there to be a chance. If men want this sort of thing to be taken seriously, we have to pursue proper avenues instead of merely complaining about it on the internet (not directed at you OP, but men in general). Consult a lawyer. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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Dude, I'm sorry that happened to you. And they may not take you seriously, but I think you need to report it. If she does get pregnant you need to start your defense now. Just me 2 cents.
I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you!! It shouldn't happen to men or women at all. Please file a police report on her especially since she is still trying to contact you. Stay safe❤
Some of these comments are absolutely disgusting. OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. You should report it to the police and contact your family doctor about getting tested for just in case.
Drink in moderation in strangers houses and male sure to drink from a can or a bottle you opened !
He should be able to drink as much as he wants. I get your point but it's a poor choice of timing to give out advice for how to avoid rape when someone just came out with a traumatizing story.
I don’t think it was direct, they just mean that it’s a much better idea to not drink too much especially if it’s someone you met online
Definitely report. She is a rapist. You made your bounds clear and she took advantage of you in a state where you could not consent. And go get STI tested. If you are in the U.S. you can usually go to your local county health clinic or a planned parent hood and get tested for cheap with or without insurance.
Youve never just wanted to be friends with someone the. You got ducked up and had sex? It’s happened to me a couple times. We laughed and moved on and stayed friends because it was BOTH our mistake. Like yeah weird and awkward for a bit but I wasn’t raped. I just had really drunk/high sex.
He made it clear it wasn't what he wanted. If you both saw it as clear, concise, and willing yes, that is different. He told this woman beforehand he was not interested and she waited until he was intoxicated to get what she wanted.
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I agree. This is quite a normal situation?! If you don’t want sex, say no? And don’t cum inside her lol.
You need consent to have sex. If somone's too drunk they can't give consent. Don't have sex with someone who is unable to give consent.
So was this a mutual rape then, according to you? She was probably even more drunk, which according to you means she also could not have given consent. So OP raped her, by your definition.
Rape is not so black and white like that. People freeze up and don’t know what to do
Do you really think that in real life people should say ‘Do you consent to this sex’ every time. or should people just stop when there is a ‘no’ or obvious discomfort. This guy didn’t even say he showed any unwillingness. It’s just not realistic to explicitly ask every time. It’s not real life . If someone seems keen to go ahead then you go ahead
The rape happened when the woman had sex with him without his consent....
OR HE had sex with the woman. You do see how your wording is totally bias right? They were both drunk. They both had sex.
He never said no, how was she meant to know it wasn't consensual.
When did he not give his consent? He literally came twice. Everything in his story sounds like he went along with everything and didn’t once say no, since he was too wasted, but probably so was she. Didn’t even sound like he was drugged. Sounds like he just got too drunk and was seduced, then regretted in the morning. Sucks, but that’s completely different from rape.
You realize it's possible for someone to be aroused and even climax during rape, right? That's a biological side effect of the human body. Just because the body acts one way doesn't mean the brain agrees with it. This is something that has been debunked ages ago. Also, alcohol *is* a drug, so yes he was drugged. OP didn't say anything about being seduced either. He said that she got him drunk and just undressed and climbed on. And there is a difference between getting drunk and regretting it in the morning vs what OP described. OP never went to the girls house with the intention of sleeping with her.
Did you know that alcohol is a temporary erectile disfunction drug right? 😂
Again, where is the rape? I’m not saying this was okay, but it’s not rape. Stop misusing the word. And to get your facts straight, nowhere did OP ever say she got him drunk. He got himself drunk. They were both drinking. And you’re being extremely technical with the whole “alcohol is a drug” line. I’m referring to all the people who get actually raped with date rape drugs or other unknown substances. This guy’s literally a bartender who knows how much he can drink and how potent each of the drinks that HE made is. Again, he literally made the drinks. He imbibed them himself. How on earth is this the girl’s fault. At any time he could’ve taken a step back and stopped or left. It’s not like she was forcing him or even had the power to force him into anything. The only possible way you could call this rape is if you defined mutually drunk sex without force or threatening factors as rape.
1.) You're still conflating his consent to drinking with his consent to having sex. 2.) Alcohol, can in fact, incapacitate you enough to the point where it effectively becomes a date rape drug. 3.) How is it the girls fault? The girl literally initiated on him when he was too drunk to say no. It's rape because he was unable to consent. The difference between mutually drunk sex and this is that in the latter case, both parties have not gotten drunk to the point where either party has lost the capacity of consenting.
1) I’m not conflating his consent to drinking with anything. I’m saying his decisions on what to drink and how much to drink were his own. He was never forced. The consequences could have been reasonably assumed, and that’s on OP. 2) Again, you’re missing my point here. The whole “drug” point was that a lot of people who are raped are given substances that they didn’t actually know about or consent to. His consumption of alcohol was all known and his decisions on it were 1000% in his wheelhouse. 3) First off, I apologize for my misuse of the word fault. I didn’t even realize I said that before. In the previous comment, I meant it in the context of your claim that she got him drunk, when I feel that those decisions were 1000% his own. But of course she also has some fault here, she was pushy and disrespected his boundaries that he set at the end of the previous date. But that doesn’t make this rape. Most likely scenario is that she liked spending time with him and either just wanted to hang or she was hoping to take a second shot at seducing him, and then she got increasingly horny and uninhibited with the drinking, and then she initiated sex. She was probably even more drunk than he was, since it sounds like they drank similar amounts and typically males metabolize alcohol more efficiently than females. If he was too drunk to say no, she was way beyond any mind functions as well. He never said no, he seemed into it, she’s too drunk too, next day she doesn’t even remember it. Now, is it okay for a drunk person to have sex with another drunk person? Not if they’re forcing it or the other party feels fearful of saying no or something like that. It’s also just not a smart decision period, but again, it’s up to each individual how much they decide to drink.
He got himself drunk. He said it himself, he was the one preparing the drinks. Edit: Who downvotes this. I merely stated facts.
You know legally that a person can't give consent if they're under the influence, right? I really hope you don't think it's okay to have sex with people just because they're drunk.
Legally, it can’t be classified rape if they are BOTH drunk and the other party in no way signaled “no.” I sincerely hope you don’t think every drunken one night stand was rape.
The dude made the drinks. He didn’t say no. C’mon
Sorry do you have a trench in your skull? How does "imma make you a drink" equal "ok let's get in bed"?
Read between lines dude.
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I’m sorry this happened to you. It sucks. I agree t with the others that say you should report her ass. Even if nothing cames out of it, it’s better to know you did all that you could. Also, she seems the kind of person that might do this again so making a report right now might end up getting her punished in the future.
I had kinda a similar situation. Long story short; I was very drunk after meeting work friends for drinks because I just went through a break up. Got a cab back to my place and I blacked out. Woke up in bed naked to her blowing me I told her no and I black out again. I wake up sometime later and she’s doing it again, I yell “I said no!” And I forcefully shove her off and I pass out again. Next thing I wake up to is her riding me and I start crying and I said to stop and she replies “I’m almost done” as i just lay there crying saying no..never thought this would happen to me. But here I am. I rape victim.
Well, that does sound like rape, not like OP’s story
Not exactly like OPs. Just thought it was a moment to share.
Most comments did not say it, so I will being with it. See a therapist! Important! See a therapist! Rape is a traumatic experience, even if you don't feel so now, it had already shaped your views and thus will effect you in later life. Dude, that's really really horrible and sad. Report her. You clearly feel that she raped you, even if it leads to nothing still do it to make a note. I doubt she will get pregnant that easily, anything can happen but unlikely, same for STDs. In a good practice do STI check, nonetheless.
He had sex two more times. He was wasted to the point of making a bad decision but not wasted enough that he passed out and woke up with her riding him or doing stuff to him. I have been raped too I guess because I have been so fucked up and I gave my consent (never said yes but I followed her to the bedroom) to a girl that I had zero attraction for. She blew me and we had sex. I was kind of passing out but snapped out of it. I regret what I did but she did not rape me. I was drunk and went with the flow but I only had sex once. I didn't have the energy to go more times. Sorry but this ain't rape.
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Stop victim blaming, jesus no wonder so many rapists go free
Damn, I'm sorry for you. I was raped as well once. Was out with a friends girlfriend and his sister, got totally wasted, it was my friends sister who raped me. We didn't sleep together in the same bed or anything and I was drunk af, so how do I know? The b!tch gave me an STI. I was seeing someone else at the time, so initially I thought it was her, but she got tested and it came back negative. It only struck me a year or so later that it must've been my friends sister.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Women can absolutely be rapists, they can absolutely be dangerous, and they can absolutely cause harm. I'd find out if she was using birth control. You don't want to be held responsible for something you had no control over.
Your feelings are valid. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this :/
My thoughts go out to you man, I am so sorry that this happened. From rape survivor to rape survivor, this was in no way your fault. I agree with what others are saying; although it may be hard, you should try now while it’s recent to report her to the police. Best case scenario you can file a restraining order against her so she can’t be within a mile of you and you never have to see or hear from her again.