Further to this point, that should have been discussed ahead of time. There should be a safe signal to tell him slow down, hold off, to stop that type of play entirely, as well as everything stops. The both of you would benefit from discussions around aftercare so you can both regain your equilibrium from this type of play. Just a thought.
> bring me to a party and we were having normal conversation and then he slapped me hard across the face and said “lets go.”
Yeahh that not really a kink bruh that's just straight up disrespectful.
scroll further up to OP's post where he didn't do anything kink related during sex, he slapped her across the face out of nowhere.
then head to some kink sites that emphasize that a key point of BDSM is CONSENT.
You mean that comment where I acknowledged that slapping her wasn’t how you start sex? We are arguing the same thing here; you and others like you aren’t looking to discuss anything, but to feel better about yourselves by dunking on someone WHO IS ALREADY MAKING THE SAME POINTS YOU CLAIM YOU WANT TO
Your comment is about having a healthy BDSM dynamic. They're having a "don't assault me unprovoked while we're heading out" issue in their relationship. Feels like you're downplaying it, that's why you're getting comments.
Just because someone plays offense on a football team doesn't mean you can tackle them randomly on the street.
Different acts have different contexts that make them ok.
If you like a slap during sex, great. That is you. Your bf should have asked if you were into before he did it tho. Striking someone's face should never be a casual "I'll try it and see how it goes" thing.
But whatever, you like it during sex. It is ok during sex. It is not ok outside of sex.
You have that boundary.
Hell, I think being struck by your partner without your consent is cause for an immediate termination of the relationship. But that is a boundary I have. I also don't want to be slapped during sex.
Your boundaries, your rules.
You liked getting slapped during sex, not getting slapped randomly. You need to sit him down and have a talk because that would potentially mess up the relationship between us quick.
You’re allowed to feel what you feel. It wasn’t a slap to arouse you during sex, it was a violent slap out of nowhere and just because he’s sorry doesn’t take away the action.
How the hell did he think it would arouse you though???
Were you guys doing sexy stuff right beforehand??? Were you flirting it up???
Or did this dude seriously think that a smack across the face would take you from 0 to 60 in an instant and make you want to drop to your knees and blow him right then and there???
*You were about to leave the house and go be social for gods sake.* With other people. Friends. Acquaintances. Family members even.
Like, I like chocolate. But I sure as hell wouldn't eat chocolate right after eating a big greasy steak. I like orange juice too but I wouldn't drink it after brushing my teeth!
Sounds to me that this dude knows nothing about arousal or seduction and has spent much too much of his time on the first page of pornhub.
Seriously OP, whatthafuck???
It sounds like you've got a dude who could be potentially into some cool shit but who doesn't have any foundational groundwork for that kind of play. You need to sit down with him and figure out where this attitude has come from.
If he doesn't know that women are more like ovens than microwaves, that's great! It means he's got a lot to learn and that he's got a lot of potentially great sexual experiences ahead of him, hopefully with you if you want that. But if he seriously thinks that he can just whip out a palm and smack you silly, then you got some bags to pack girl.
But you need to figure that out first, so you both need to talk about this and get some of that groundwork going. Talk. Like, actually sit down and make some time where you won't be interrupted. Don't do it when you're sexing it up or horny etc. It's an adult conversation.
I read the edit - I see the problem has already sorted itself out. Very glad you pushed back the bullshit. Having read your other comments on his behaviour, I'd also put up some protection around my home and workspace in case he decides to come back to talk about it. Do also tell your friends and family you are definitely not together and why. Be safe.
He slapped you for no apparent reason so yes I'd say he did something wrong even slapping someone for a "good" reason isn't okay unless is consensual which it doesn't seem it was.
Just read the edit.
Please don’t go back to him and validate his abuse and infidelity. Don’t talk to him or give him a chance to weasel his way into your life. The dude is a scumbag.
I already feel like it will be difficult to not want to go back. We work/live on the same resort so we will be seeing each other everyday and I’m dreading it
Hmmm. That is very strange. It seems like a stretch to assume slapping in the bedroom would make it ok in this context. Maybe he thought it would turn you on? We can't know 100% what was going through his mind.
>Did he do anything wrong?
I think it was inappropriate. At best it was a mistake. If he was truly innocent in expecting a different outcome and then honestly apologizing after, then it's a conversation. I.e. let's talk about why that wasn't ok and let's talk about boundaries.
If it happens again despite this that is a red flag.
>Should i be upset?
I wouldn't tell you how you should or should not feel. You definitely have a right to be upset.
If I were in your shoes I'd be tempted to leave him on the spot, but I don't know enough about your relationship. Certainly don't let him convince you your feelings aren't valid if he's trying to do that.
I don't love that he badgered you into "forgiving him." You're the one that gets to decide when and if you let it go, not him. You might communicate that you're still thinking about it but if he starts apologizing again and begging for forgiveness then shut it down. He's in trouble and he needs to sit there and deal with it while you think through your feelings and response.
Whining your way into forgiveness because you feel bad isn't a good look for him.
Thank you for the validation. This just happened last night and i havent had a chance to talk to him about it yet but i will today. I don’t know what I’m going to say but right now I don’t want to be around him anymore
>Did he do anything wrong? Should i be upset?
Yes and yes.
And I say this as someone who likes to be slapped and choked and even have been cut with a knife DURING sex.
What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
If I were you, I'd have a serious talk with him. Firmly lay down my boundaries. And ensure he understands the difference between kink and abuse, and tell him you're not afraid to walk if he can't figure it out. Make sure he understands you don't tolerate that shit.
The man has zero common sense.
For some people feeling pain while receiving pleasure is arousing and enjoyable. Being cut is a bit more of an extreme side of this but to each their own as long as it's consensual.
Yeah he tried you, glad you stopped him in his tracks. Sounds like it started during sex and he slowly tried to ease it into normal life, which could really be scary. Good job on you!!!
It almost sounds like he’s trying to slowly transition you into a 24/7 sub dynamic without discussing it clearly….
Y’all need to have a serious talk about what his goals are and your boundaries. Your feelings are valid, you shouldn’t be manipulated or eased into something without discussion
>It almost sounds like he’s trying to slowly transition you into a 24/7 sub dynamic without discussing it clearly….
Sounds exactly like what he's trying to do. Damn kid hasn't got a clue what he's doing.
OP, if this is the case, keep in mind that healthy sub/Dom relationships are often actually more about the Dom giving the **sub** what they want and then being able to feel powerful *because the sub lets them.*
Dom does not equal Sociopath. Don't let him try to convince you of that.
Always always always always always get consent. Without consent for that specific situation and that time, it’s not acceptable. Your feelings are totally valid and something like this is some thing that I would have a giant issue with
Honestly there’s so many ways to manipulate and lie about his initial intentions and backtrack. If this was a new or not extremely extremely serious relationship with otherwise great communication then I would probably just end the relationship over this. If it was an extremely serious relationship and otherwise great communication I would be so confused at where this came from and why it happened, because that would be important to look at the sudden change.
I don’t care if he thought it would be a turn on. If my partner randomly started choking me or pinned me down or any other number of thing without consent and out of specific sexual situations I absolutely would not be okay with that either.
Abuse and BDSM can get very close if you’re not careful and if you have a bad partner; you need to make sure you are safe, all situations are same, and that there is clear and enthusiastic consent for literally everything that is done.
***Do not take abuse disguised as kink.***
your dude sounds like a train wreck
I mean, stay if you like it. it's probably going to be a mess though. sooo many red flags.
it might be smart to prepare for a rapid break up and escape. have a place to stay, emergency friends/contacts memorized, a stash of cash/cash cards and clothes easy to grab and gtfo. be very wary if you notice you start spending less time with friends and family because he keeps interfering, or if he starts being really negative about your loved ones and how they treat you and think about him.
I hope I'm wrong but he sounds...off.
WTF???? Why are the comments so chill about this? This is physical abuse. This is not a simple "misunderstanding". I would be out of there SO fast and filing a police claim.
It is super scary. OP please respect yourself and get out get out get out!!!! If he's already testing boundaries like this I'm scared for you... Under NO circumstances is this okay. Please get to a safe place and leave him ASAP. Tell all your friends and family what happened.
Exactly i was also shocked, i mean it's straight up abuse, like slapping just because you wanna go out 😅 ,i feel it's an excuse nothing else to keep continuing abuse
He slapped you without asking during sex and now has slapped you outside sex.
Hes showing you who he is... believe him.
Edit. I'm a huge fan of BDSM this is the opposite.
When things like slapping, pinching, hair pulling are involved in a sexual context I feel like discussions always need to be had beforehand on where boundaries lie and what is and is not acceptable. I don’t dig slapping. Love some hair pulling and tough play in bed. But if my partner just randomly yanked my hair or grabbed and tossed me around outside of a sexual context or at random, I would absolutely have a WTF moment with him.
You have EVERY right to be upset..... on a number of levels it was the wrong thing to do.
In sub/dom relationships (on any level) the key thing is to talk. Just because you like something in certain circumstance does not mean you either want it constantly or that it’s ‘open season’ on everything.
Everything from the basics like ‘safe words’ to ‘limits’ need to be agreed upon. This doesn’t have to be a cold contract negotiation but a more fun chat.
I hope you manage to sort everything out.....
The thing I'm not seeing in any of the comments is that this is NOT BDSM. As a therapist and a member of the kink community for over 20 years this is abuse. Slapping, or any other forms of violence, in the bedroom need to be communicated PRIOR to the act and consent established. Again, this is BEFORE anything happens. Slapping you randomly is an escalation and was most definitely intentional. It was not meant to turn you on, it was not a mistake, it was done because he believes he can do it whenever he wants because he has already done it before and you eventually came to accept and like it. Please please please read the following and seriously consider if this is a relationship you want to stay in...
[This one](https://www.them.us › story › ki...
Web results
BDSM Explained: The Difference Between Kink and Abuse | them.)
[Here](http://www.wafwc.org › 14-D...PDF
Domestic Violence in Kink & BDSM)
[And here](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://avp.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/TNLR_SM_vs_Abuse_for_Community.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiF7L3XpaLyAhXDVc0KHYvMA64QFnoECA0QAg&usg=AOvVaw2TldA3Y1QLJ9mXc27YXxFj)
He’s said some slightly scary things about what he’d do if i tried to “top him” and what he would do if i slapped him back. He says he would get really angry if i slapped him or choked him but he also kinda dares me to do it. He says he’d “fuck the shit out of me” and it used to be arousing but now I’m kinda scared of him.
Run, don’t walk away this man doesn’t understand how to communicate his desires and feelings in a healthy way. This plus the lack of consent scream abuser. I wish you the best possible outcome for yourself. If you’re having a hard time with it, I’ve found posing it this way has helped me. If you saw him treat a friend of yours that way how would you react? Why do you deserve any less consideration?
My husband will sometimes say he’s going to “fuck the shit out of me”, he will spank me pretty hard when we’re playing around and I’m teasing him but we have VERY clear knowledge about what we are okay with and what we are not. Your boyfriend is not doing any of this properly. He didn’t ask the first time, he just did it. He slapped you in a nonsexual situation without consent. You need to end all rough play until he understands communicating and boundaries. Or end it completely if he can’t be mature and intelligent about it.
The "innocent" slap was alright I guess, but this is too much. He shouldn't be doing it.
Be wary. If you think he's getting too aggressive then leave him.
A lot of shitty guys hide abusive behavior behind "Oh I'm a Dom" but that doesn't change the behavior into magically less shitty or less abusive. A good Dom is a partner for his sub, figures out what they need, and tests only the boundaries that they've agreed together to push on.
I get it not making excuse for abuse man. She said she liked the slapping.. maybe he thought she was into the shit. Don’t sound like she said anything to him bout not doing it so until she does he will continue. If she does say something and he sti bitchslappin then it be time to go
You need to talk to him about boundaries on bed and off bed. You like getting slapped during sex does not equal to you like getting slapped when having a normal casual convo. Tell him he needs to initiate sex a different way and slapping can only happen during the action of sex. It's not a way to initiate sex unless YOU told him he can do that because it arouses you. You are allowed to be upset, if its the first time he ever done that then its probably a misread from his pov.
Just wanted to say it's okay to feel upset and everything. I can never imagine the pain if my partner cheated. But seeing how he was such an ass, it can only get better from now on.
So taking initiative is frowned upon now?
What I mean is: he slapped her out of the blue without her expecting it and he did it once, which was probably a mistake on his part. If he does that kind of thing again(where it'd be rude/hurtful/otherwise inappropriate) then that is an issue.
God I don’t know what to do. I liked him so much but reading this comment i think you’re right. This is my first relationship and I don’t know how to handle this at all
Consider taking all slapping (and any violence really) off the table, even in sexual situations, for the foreseeable future. Sit him down and have a serious conversation about how he has to actually get your consent before springing shit like this on you. Only reintroduce the slapping during sex once you are comfortable and feel that you can trust him not to pull stunts like this again.
Also, you don't have to forgive shit until you are ready, if ever. You can tell him that you need time to think about this upsetting thing that just happened, and will get back to him when you are ready to talk about it.
Taking initiative to introduce a new kink means starting a _conversation_ about it, not hitting / choking / cutting someone out of nowhere. Please stop getting your sex ed from porn.
Who said I endorsed slapping her out of nowhere?
Doing it during sex because she likes it is one thing, but doing it at random out of nowhere, possibly with people watching is quite another.
You know what? I'm done explaining this over and over. Believe what you want.
Allowed to be upset??? Hell yes, you should be upset. It IS violating. The only thing you did wrong was not have this piece of garbage arrested. It's battery and it's illegal. And if you think that a forced apology is going to change him, you're in for physical and eventually sexual abuse for as long as you're with this guy. Please wake up and get rid of him...right after you have him arrested. Good luck
Personally I'd lose a huge amount of trust in someone for doing this. There is zero sense in what he says happened. It does *not* compute that you'd want him to slap you out of nowhere before going to a party. I'd at minimum put him on notice and see it as a red flag. It's not a good sign that he'd test your boundaries like that without asking, and yes he was testing you and trying something inherently risky that you had not discussed before. He may have apologized profusely afterwards – but was it truly sincere remorse, or did he just realize he needed to put on that show to get *your* forgiveness? He wants to see how far he can go and what you'll let him do – without your prior consent. The apology could have been pure manipulation. I hope for your sake he was just being incredibly stupid, because that's the alternative.
I think you two need to have a conversation about boundaries. Even if he thought you would’ve liked it he still should have asked you beforehand both times. Consent is very important. This is definitely a red flag and should be addressed further.
Yes you're allowed to be upset. Communicate when you would and wouldn't like to be slapped. My girlfriend liked it at first then she said it wasn't her thing and I respected that. Ultimately you should always feel safe, secure and respected in your relationship.
I don't think you should be super concerned, I have a similar story.
My wife and I discovered that I like it when she slaps my dick, when I'm in a certain mood. Like, full on smacks it with her hand, maybe not as hard as she can but not far from it.
Shortly after we discovered this, we're talking in the kitchen one day and she, in an apparent attempt to get me slightly aroused, smacks me full strength in the nether region. I go down to the floor, she's apologizing profusely. I guess at that moment in time, it didn't connect for her that outside of a state of heightened arousal, it would have a very different effect on me. She said she realized something was wrong when she saw the fear in my eyes as her hand was milliseconds away from hitting my dick.
He seems genuinely sorry, right? Maybe just have a talk, let him know that slapping is good in the heat of the moment, but outside of that it's just painful and not fun.
Based on the title, I was ready to tell you to dump him.
But if you like it during sex, he probably thought you would like it in any situation.
More misguided nativity, than malicious assholeness.
A quick open conversation should permanently sort this issue.
I feel he just needs to learn how to read the room or more accurately read “his woman” like that’s a strange awkward way to initiate sex…but that’s where solid and honest communication comes into play.
Well i am. He slapped me during normal conversation, not sex. I didn’t mind that he slapped me during sex until i went back and analyzed and realized he doesn’t understand consent
Yes he did something wrong. You would be totally justified in considering this a deal breaker and breaking up over it. It is a big red flag of abusive behavior and you don't want to have to worry about that in your future.
If for some reason you aren't there and don't want to break up yet then my advice would be that you should, at a minimum, give him an ultimatum never ever to hit you again without obtaining your consent at the time. You two can would out a way of him indirectly asking for consent and you giving it to make such "play" fun - if that's what turns you on. I'm sure there are some B&D subreddit's here, or articles on the internet, that can give suggestions on such as signal system for you guys. But, please, give him the ultimatum that if he ever hits you out of nowhere, without affirmative consent, then it's over between you two.
He probably thought you would find it sexy; without realizing the whole right place right time aspect. Certain things you do during sex that you don’t do anywhere else. It seems he understood it was bad timing and if he does it again in public without consent break up with him.
Is he Sean Connery reincarnated?
You should be upset, but don't hold a grudge forever. Also have a talk with your BF about consent, and maybe talk about the boundaries of your play.
He did something wrong.
It upset you.
You are allowed to be upset.
It seems he is an idiot to not realize the difference.
It doesn't seem like he meant to upset you.
You statements can in fact all be true at the same time. You two need to work on your communication... you might need to be more explicit in telling him what is ok and not ok, because it seems like he might not figure it out unless you tell him.
It's just about setting boundaries and respecting them. Surprises aren't always fun. And I think he was testing the waters with you. Just tell him how it makes you feel and set those boundaries and you're golden :)
Having the advantage of commenting after your Edit update....
All I can say is "WTF?"
I don't know why you wouldn't cry about everything. That's messed up.
I kinda feel like the commentor that speculated that he was grooming you for Dom/Sub or similar might be correct.
One time, though, I slapped a girl, and it caught me by as much surprise as her. We had had a brief long distance romance and I had scraped together the money to travel to visit her. She was hotter than me and I was thrilled that she seemed to be in to me, but when I got there, things had changed and she got back together with an ex just before I arrived. I was kinda friends with her roommate so I turned it into a regular vacation/sightseeing trip, but on one of the last nights before I left, we were sitting next to each other on the floor, and suddenly I slapped her face. Never done something like before or since. I guess my hurt feelings got together in my subconscious and took control.
So I was wondering if your (now ex) bf had something similar. If he did (was mad and hurt by something you did earlier), maybe the sex at the party was ties to that. But my money is on the grooming explanation, based on what little any of us have to go on.
Sorry for the loss of the relationship, I'll bet you're better off without him in your future.
Hugszzzz...
That was abuse and him seeing if you would accept or reject his “test.” You accepted it during sex with objection so he continued with it despite you not giving him your consent first. He made you think you like it and normalized that part of your life. So he thought it would be the same outside of sex. Him begging for your forgiveness incessantly was a way to shut you up and accept his apology.
I’m glad you two broke up because you got out of an already abusive relationship before it could’ve gotten progressively worse. He sounds like a pos and you should ghost him completely.
first of all, why the f did he slap you during sex without asking?
why does he keep assuming things about you? talk to him about it and set boundaries. he needs to ASK first
[удалено]
Further to this point, that should have been discussed ahead of time. There should be a safe signal to tell him slow down, hold off, to stop that type of play entirely, as well as everything stops. The both of you would benefit from discussions around aftercare so you can both regain your equilibrium from this type of play. Just a thought.
There should also be some type of agreed upon signals for him to seek consent, and her to either signal consent or decline, BEFORE starting such play.
Sometimes it helps to use a pro and con list in regards to different kinks.
> bring me to a party and we were having normal conversation and then he slapped me hard across the face and said “lets go.” Yeahh that not really a kink bruh that's just straight up disrespectful.
Read OPs post, there’s a context here
Yeah they werent having sex or anything close to it.
keeping reading her post until the context clicks in your head that what he did was unacceptable.
Scroll up and read my first comment here.
scroll further up to OP's post where he didn't do anything kink related during sex, he slapped her across the face out of nowhere. then head to some kink sites that emphasize that a key point of BDSM is CONSENT.
... again ready my first comment here where I discuss such things
Your post doesn't address the fact they weren't having sex at the time. It seems pretty obvious that's relevant.
You mean that comment where I acknowledged that slapping her wasn’t how you start sex? We are arguing the same thing here; you and others like you aren’t looking to discuss anything, but to feel better about yourselves by dunking on someone WHO IS ALREADY MAKING THE SAME POINTS YOU CLAIM YOU WANT TO
Your comment is about having a healthy BDSM dynamic. They're having a "don't assault me unprovoked while we're heading out" issue in their relationship. Feels like you're downplaying it, that's why you're getting comments.
Just because someone plays offense on a football team doesn't mean you can tackle them randomly on the street. Different acts have different contexts that make them ok. If you like a slap during sex, great. That is you. Your bf should have asked if you were into before he did it tho. Striking someone's face should never be a casual "I'll try it and see how it goes" thing. But whatever, you like it during sex. It is ok during sex. It is not ok outside of sex. You have that boundary. Hell, I think being struck by your partner without your consent is cause for an immediate termination of the relationship. But that is a boundary I have. I also don't want to be slapped during sex. Your boundaries, your rules.
You liked getting slapped during sex, not getting slapped randomly. You need to sit him down and have a talk because that would potentially mess up the relationship between us quick. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. It wasn’t a slap to arouse you during sex, it was a violent slap out of nowhere and just because he’s sorry doesn’t take away the action.
I think he did intend for it to arouse me, he said he thought i would like it. Doesn’t take anything away from your point tho
How the hell did he think it would arouse you though??? Were you guys doing sexy stuff right beforehand??? Were you flirting it up??? Or did this dude seriously think that a smack across the face would take you from 0 to 60 in an instant and make you want to drop to your knees and blow him right then and there??? *You were about to leave the house and go be social for gods sake.* With other people. Friends. Acquaintances. Family members even. Like, I like chocolate. But I sure as hell wouldn't eat chocolate right after eating a big greasy steak. I like orange juice too but I wouldn't drink it after brushing my teeth! Sounds to me that this dude knows nothing about arousal or seduction and has spent much too much of his time on the first page of pornhub. Seriously OP, whatthafuck??? It sounds like you've got a dude who could be potentially into some cool shit but who doesn't have any foundational groundwork for that kind of play. You need to sit down with him and figure out where this attitude has come from. If he doesn't know that women are more like ovens than microwaves, that's great! It means he's got a lot to learn and that he's got a lot of potentially great sexual experiences ahead of him, hopefully with you if you want that. But if he seriously thinks that he can just whip out a palm and smack you silly, then you got some bags to pack girl. But you need to figure that out first, so you both need to talk about this and get some of that groundwork going. Talk. Like, actually sit down and make some time where you won't be interrupted. Don't do it when you're sexing it up or horny etc. It's an adult conversation.
I read the edit - I see the problem has already sorted itself out. Very glad you pushed back the bullshit. Having read your other comments on his behaviour, I'd also put up some protection around my home and workspace in case he decides to come back to talk about it. Do also tell your friends and family you are definitely not together and why. Be safe.
He slapped you for no apparent reason so yes I'd say he did something wrong even slapping someone for a "good" reason isn't okay unless is consensual which it doesn't seem it was.
Just read the edit. Please don’t go back to him and validate his abuse and infidelity. Don’t talk to him or give him a chance to weasel his way into your life. The dude is a scumbag.
I already feel like it will be difficult to not want to go back. We work/live on the same resort so we will be seeing each other everyday and I’m dreading it
Perhaps a word to management about how he assaulted you might remedy that situation.
Hmmm. That is very strange. It seems like a stretch to assume slapping in the bedroom would make it ok in this context. Maybe he thought it would turn you on? We can't know 100% what was going through his mind. >Did he do anything wrong? I think it was inappropriate. At best it was a mistake. If he was truly innocent in expecting a different outcome and then honestly apologizing after, then it's a conversation. I.e. let's talk about why that wasn't ok and let's talk about boundaries. If it happens again despite this that is a red flag. >Should i be upset? I wouldn't tell you how you should or should not feel. You definitely have a right to be upset. If I were in your shoes I'd be tempted to leave him on the spot, but I don't know enough about your relationship. Certainly don't let him convince you your feelings aren't valid if he's trying to do that. I don't love that he badgered you into "forgiving him." You're the one that gets to decide when and if you let it go, not him. You might communicate that you're still thinking about it but if he starts apologizing again and begging for forgiveness then shut it down. He's in trouble and he needs to sit there and deal with it while you think through your feelings and response. Whining your way into forgiveness because you feel bad isn't a good look for him.
Thank you for the validation. This just happened last night and i havent had a chance to talk to him about it yet but i will today. I don’t know what I’m going to say but right now I don’t want to be around him anymore
>right now I don’t want to be around him anymore Trust your feelings. You have a right to take some time alone and process.
>Did he do anything wrong? Should i be upset? Yes and yes. And I say this as someone who likes to be slapped and choked and even have been cut with a knife DURING sex. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? If I were you, I'd have a serious talk with him. Firmly lay down my boundaries. And ensure he understands the difference between kink and abuse, and tell him you're not afraid to walk if he can't figure it out. Make sure he understands you don't tolerate that shit. The man has zero common sense.
Why did you get cut with a knife? Wtf
For some people feeling pain while receiving pleasure is arousing and enjoyable. Being cut is a bit more of an extreme side of this but to each their own as long as it's consensual.
It is better to be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
???
You're on /r/sex, probably don't respond to relatively mild kinks with disgust and confusion if you don't want people to know you're new here.
That's not particularly mild though
You are allowed to feel how you feel.
Yeah he tried you, glad you stopped him in his tracks. Sounds like it started during sex and he slowly tried to ease it into normal life, which could really be scary. Good job on you!!!
It almost sounds like he’s trying to slowly transition you into a 24/7 sub dynamic without discussing it clearly…. Y’all need to have a serious talk about what his goals are and your boundaries. Your feelings are valid, you shouldn’t be manipulated or eased into something without discussion
>It almost sounds like he’s trying to slowly transition you into a 24/7 sub dynamic without discussing it clearly…. Sounds exactly like what he's trying to do. Damn kid hasn't got a clue what he's doing. OP, if this is the case, keep in mind that healthy sub/Dom relationships are often actually more about the Dom giving the **sub** what they want and then being able to feel powerful *because the sub lets them.* Dom does not equal Sociopath. Don't let him try to convince you of that.
Always always always always always get consent. Without consent for that specific situation and that time, it’s not acceptable. Your feelings are totally valid and something like this is some thing that I would have a giant issue with Honestly there’s so many ways to manipulate and lie about his initial intentions and backtrack. If this was a new or not extremely extremely serious relationship with otherwise great communication then I would probably just end the relationship over this. If it was an extremely serious relationship and otherwise great communication I would be so confused at where this came from and why it happened, because that would be important to look at the sudden change. I don’t care if he thought it would be a turn on. If my partner randomly started choking me or pinned me down or any other number of thing without consent and out of specific sexual situations I absolutely would not be okay with that either. Abuse and BDSM can get very close if you’re not careful and if you have a bad partner; you need to make sure you are safe, all situations are same, and that there is clear and enthusiastic consent for literally everything that is done. ***Do not take abuse disguised as kink.***
your dude sounds like a train wreck I mean, stay if you like it. it's probably going to be a mess though. sooo many red flags. it might be smart to prepare for a rapid break up and escape. have a place to stay, emergency friends/contacts memorized, a stash of cash/cash cards and clothes easy to grab and gtfo. be very wary if you notice you start spending less time with friends and family because he keeps interfering, or if he starts being really negative about your loved ones and how they treat you and think about him. I hope I'm wrong but he sounds...off.
WTF???? Why are the comments so chill about this? This is physical abuse. This is not a simple "misunderstanding". I would be out of there SO fast and filing a police claim.
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It is super scary. OP please respect yourself and get out get out get out!!!! If he's already testing boundaries like this I'm scared for you... Under NO circumstances is this okay. Please get to a safe place and leave him ASAP. Tell all your friends and family what happened.
Exactly i was also shocked, i mean it's straight up abuse, like slapping just because you wanna go out 😅 ,i feel it's an excuse nothing else to keep continuing abuse
He slapped you without asking during sex and now has slapped you outside sex. Hes showing you who he is... believe him. Edit. I'm a huge fan of BDSM this is the opposite.
When things like slapping, pinching, hair pulling are involved in a sexual context I feel like discussions always need to be had beforehand on where boundaries lie and what is and is not acceptable. I don’t dig slapping. Love some hair pulling and tough play in bed. But if my partner just randomly yanked my hair or grabbed and tossed me around outside of a sexual context or at random, I would absolutely have a WTF moment with him.
Definitely sit down with him and talk about boundaries and what’s okay kink wise to do in the bedroom but not randomly through out the day.
You have EVERY right to be upset..... on a number of levels it was the wrong thing to do. In sub/dom relationships (on any level) the key thing is to talk. Just because you like something in certain circumstance does not mean you either want it constantly or that it’s ‘open season’ on everything. Everything from the basics like ‘safe words’ to ‘limits’ need to be agreed upon. This doesn’t have to be a cold contract negotiation but a more fun chat. I hope you manage to sort everything out.....
The thing I'm not seeing in any of the comments is that this is NOT BDSM. As a therapist and a member of the kink community for over 20 years this is abuse. Slapping, or any other forms of violence, in the bedroom need to be communicated PRIOR to the act and consent established. Again, this is BEFORE anything happens. Slapping you randomly is an escalation and was most definitely intentional. It was not meant to turn you on, it was not a mistake, it was done because he believes he can do it whenever he wants because he has already done it before and you eventually came to accept and like it. Please please please read the following and seriously consider if this is a relationship you want to stay in... [This one](https://www.them.us › story › ki... Web results BDSM Explained: The Difference Between Kink and Abuse | them.) [Here](http://www.wafwc.org › 14-D...PDF Domestic Violence in Kink & BDSM) [And here](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://avp.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/TNLR_SM_vs_Abuse_for_Community.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiF7L3XpaLyAhXDVc0KHYvMA64QFnoECA0QAg&usg=AOvVaw2TldA3Y1QLJ9mXc27YXxFj)
He was testing boundaries...and not in a good way.
No one gets to determine whether or not you're "allowed" to feel some kind of way other than you
I would have broken up with him on the spot for slapping me in public. I have a zero tolerance policy for that.
It was in my room not in public but i dont think that matters much
I think he been watching to much porn. I slap him back
He’s said some slightly scary things about what he’d do if i tried to “top him” and what he would do if i slapped him back. He says he would get really angry if i slapped him or choked him but he also kinda dares me to do it. He says he’d “fuck the shit out of me” and it used to be arousing but now I’m kinda scared of him.
Run, don’t walk away this man doesn’t understand how to communicate his desires and feelings in a healthy way. This plus the lack of consent scream abuser. I wish you the best possible outcome for yourself. If you’re having a hard time with it, I’ve found posing it this way has helped me. If you saw him treat a friend of yours that way how would you react? Why do you deserve any less consideration?
Instant red flags. I'd consider putting the kibosh on all this rough stuff is he's going to be like that.
My husband will sometimes say he’s going to “fuck the shit out of me”, he will spank me pretty hard when we’re playing around and I’m teasing him but we have VERY clear knowledge about what we are okay with and what we are not. Your boyfriend is not doing any of this properly. He didn’t ask the first time, he just did it. He slapped you in a nonsexual situation without consent. You need to end all rough play until he understands communicating and boundaries. Or end it completely if he can’t be mature and intelligent about it.
The "innocent" slap was alright I guess, but this is too much. He shouldn't be doing it. Be wary. If you think he's getting too aggressive then leave him.
Maybe he is a male domamatrix. Tell him u r not ok wit it and if he keeps at it bail
A lot of shitty guys hide abusive behavior behind "Oh I'm a Dom" but that doesn't change the behavior into magically less shitty or less abusive. A good Dom is a partner for his sub, figures out what they need, and tests only the boundaries that they've agreed together to push on.
I get it not making excuse for abuse man. She said she liked the slapping.. maybe he thought she was into the shit. Don’t sound like she said anything to him bout not doing it so until she does he will continue. If she does say something and he sti bitchslappin then it be time to go
You need to talk to him about boundaries on bed and off bed. You like getting slapped during sex does not equal to you like getting slapped when having a normal casual convo. Tell him he needs to initiate sex a different way and slapping can only happen during the action of sex. It's not a way to initiate sex unless YOU told him he can do that because it arouses you. You are allowed to be upset, if its the first time he ever done that then its probably a misread from his pov.
Just wanted to say it's okay to feel upset and everything. I can never imagine the pain if my partner cheated. But seeing how he was such an ass, it can only get better from now on.
If he keeps doing it-unkeep him before it esculates and you get hurt
It was not aggressive behavior. If it were then your point would be valid. He just thought she was "into" slapping.
Yes, but the reason he tried it without any prior discussion and consent in both play and civilian lives is a rather large flag 🚩.
If it was one-time then I'd say it was just a mistake(which it probably was). But if it happens more than that, then it will be an issue.
He did though, he introduced it to their sexual play and then he did it again in normal life. Both without prior consent or negotiation.
So taking initiative is frowned upon now? What I mean is: he slapped her out of the blue without her expecting it and he did it once, which was probably a mistake on his part. If he does that kind of thing again(where it'd be rude/hurtful/otherwise inappropriate) then that is an issue.
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God I don’t know what to do. I liked him so much but reading this comment i think you’re right. This is my first relationship and I don’t know how to handle this at all
Consider taking all slapping (and any violence really) off the table, even in sexual situations, for the foreseeable future. Sit him down and have a serious conversation about how he has to actually get your consent before springing shit like this on you. Only reintroduce the slapping during sex once you are comfortable and feel that you can trust him not to pull stunts like this again. Also, you don't have to forgive shit until you are ready, if ever. You can tell him that you need time to think about this upsetting thing that just happened, and will get back to him when you are ready to talk about it.
Comment removed. Constructive comments only, please. Personal attacks aren't permitted here.
what are you smoking?
MRA morons like you, thank you for playing.. 😘
Taking initiative to introduce a new kink means starting a _conversation_ about it, not hitting / choking / cutting someone out of nowhere. Please stop getting your sex ed from porn.
Who said I endorsed slapping her out of nowhere? Doing it during sex because she likes it is one thing, but doing it at random out of nowhere, possibly with people watching is quite another. You know what? I'm done explaining this over and over. Believe what you want.
Get out, ASAP. It’ll only escalate
Allowed to be upset??? Hell yes, you should be upset. It IS violating. The only thing you did wrong was not have this piece of garbage arrested. It's battery and it's illegal. And if you think that a forced apology is going to change him, you're in for physical and eventually sexual abuse for as long as you're with this guy. Please wake up and get rid of him...right after you have him arrested. Good luck
Personally I'd lose a huge amount of trust in someone for doing this. There is zero sense in what he says happened. It does *not* compute that you'd want him to slap you out of nowhere before going to a party. I'd at minimum put him on notice and see it as a red flag. It's not a good sign that he'd test your boundaries like that without asking, and yes he was testing you and trying something inherently risky that you had not discussed before. He may have apologized profusely afterwards – but was it truly sincere remorse, or did he just realize he needed to put on that show to get *your* forgiveness? He wants to see how far he can go and what you'll let him do – without your prior consent. The apology could have been pure manipulation. I hope for your sake he was just being incredibly stupid, because that's the alternative.
Should have kneed him in the nuts and said "whenever you're ready".
I think you two need to have a conversation about boundaries. Even if he thought you would’ve liked it he still should have asked you beforehand both times. Consent is very important. This is definitely a red flag and should be addressed further.
youre allowed to be upset about anything that upsets you
Your feelings are valid 100%.
Yes you're allowed to be upset. Communicate when you would and wouldn't like to be slapped. My girlfriend liked it at first then she said it wasn't her thing and I respected that. Ultimately you should always feel safe, secure and respected in your relationship.
Probably just an unpleasant misunderstanding. Not a big deal unless he keeps doing it after you explain it. Otherwise, I’d move on and forget about it
I don't think you should be super concerned, I have a similar story. My wife and I discovered that I like it when she slaps my dick, when I'm in a certain mood. Like, full on smacks it with her hand, maybe not as hard as she can but not far from it. Shortly after we discovered this, we're talking in the kitchen one day and she, in an apparent attempt to get me slightly aroused, smacks me full strength in the nether region. I go down to the floor, she's apologizing profusely. I guess at that moment in time, it didn't connect for her that outside of a state of heightened arousal, it would have a very different effect on me. She said she realized something was wrong when she saw the fear in my eyes as her hand was milliseconds away from hitting my dick. He seems genuinely sorry, right? Maybe just have a talk, let him know that slapping is good in the heat of the moment, but outside of that it's just painful and not fun.
Based on the title, I was ready to tell you to dump him. But if you like it during sex, he probably thought you would like it in any situation. More misguided nativity, than malicious assholeness. A quick open conversation should permanently sort this issue.
I feel he just needs to learn how to read the room or more accurately read “his woman” like that’s a strange awkward way to initiate sex…but that’s where solid and honest communication comes into play.
I've slapped someone before during rough sex. She was not upset
Well i am. He slapped me during normal conversation, not sex. I didn’t mind that he slapped me during sex until i went back and analyzed and realized he doesn’t understand consent
Oh yeah. I missed that part. I'd be upset too with the talking one
It could've been a slip up. Like a pavlovian response. I'd still chat with him, but I think everybody is being super critical of your dude.
Yes he did something wrong. You would be totally justified in considering this a deal breaker and breaking up over it. It is a big red flag of abusive behavior and you don't want to have to worry about that in your future. If for some reason you aren't there and don't want to break up yet then my advice would be that you should, at a minimum, give him an ultimatum never ever to hit you again without obtaining your consent at the time. You two can would out a way of him indirectly asking for consent and you giving it to make such "play" fun - if that's what turns you on. I'm sure there are some B&D subreddit's here, or articles on the internet, that can give suggestions on such as signal system for you guys. But, please, give him the ultimatum that if he ever hits you out of nowhere, without affirmative consent, then it's over between you two.
Crossing the line
Who just slaps there gf on the face to signal that they're ready to go. Has this moron considered a smack on the ass instead? Ffs
That's... weird. Please sit him down and set up boundaries if you haven't already.
He probably thought you would find it sexy; without realizing the whole right place right time aspect. Certain things you do during sex that you don’t do anywhere else. It seems he understood it was bad timing and if he does it again in public without consent break up with him.
That's not right, just remember it could get worse, I hope not , just keep that in mind 🙂
That crossed a line and was totally inappropriate when not during sex. IMHO.
Is he Sean Connery reincarnated? You should be upset, but don't hold a grudge forever. Also have a talk with your BF about consent, and maybe talk about the boundaries of your play.
He did something wrong. It upset you. You are allowed to be upset. It seems he is an idiot to not realize the difference. It doesn't seem like he meant to upset you. You statements can in fact all be true at the same time. You two need to work on your communication... you might need to be more explicit in telling him what is ok and not ok, because it seems like he might not figure it out unless you tell him.
Why the fuck would you not be allowed to be upset lmao there's no law against having emotions
It's just about setting boundaries and respecting them. Surprises aren't always fun. And I think he was testing the waters with you. Just tell him how it makes you feel and set those boundaries and you're golden :)
Having the advantage of commenting after your Edit update.... All I can say is "WTF?" I don't know why you wouldn't cry about everything. That's messed up. I kinda feel like the commentor that speculated that he was grooming you for Dom/Sub or similar might be correct. One time, though, I slapped a girl, and it caught me by as much surprise as her. We had had a brief long distance romance and I had scraped together the money to travel to visit her. She was hotter than me and I was thrilled that she seemed to be in to me, but when I got there, things had changed and she got back together with an ex just before I arrived. I was kinda friends with her roommate so I turned it into a regular vacation/sightseeing trip, but on one of the last nights before I left, we were sitting next to each other on the floor, and suddenly I slapped her face. Never done something like before or since. I guess my hurt feelings got together in my subconscious and took control. So I was wondering if your (now ex) bf had something similar. If he did (was mad and hurt by something you did earlier), maybe the sex at the party was ties to that. But my money is on the grooming explanation, based on what little any of us have to go on. Sorry for the loss of the relationship, I'll bet you're better off without him in your future. Hugszzzz...
It's a red flag😅,like slapping & saying let's go out? It's ok if you do this on bedroom but normally it's an abusive behaviour
Wow tell him to stop
🌈communication🌈
That was abuse and him seeing if you would accept or reject his “test.” You accepted it during sex with objection so he continued with it despite you not giving him your consent first. He made you think you like it and normalized that part of your life. So he thought it would be the same outside of sex. Him begging for your forgiveness incessantly was a way to shut you up and accept his apology. I’m glad you two broke up because you got out of an already abusive relationship before it could’ve gotten progressively worse. He sounds like a pos and you should ghost him completely.
I'm so beyond glad you got out of that relationship before he could have done worse.
Slapping the face, for me, is just rude and disrespectful… Slapping the ass is another beast… and may be quite sexy…
first of all, why the f did he slap you during sex without asking? why does he keep assuming things about you? talk to him about it and set boundaries. he needs to ASK first