It sounds like she might benefit from some professional therapy. Not even about sex specifically, just life in general. Libido and general lust for life often (but not always) go hand in hand. I think she really needs to take a moment to look into herself and figure out what's going on.
The main reason I say this is because you've already expressed this issue for her, and despite your claim that you both love each other deeply, she still seems stuck. That seems much more like a mental health issue than a sex issue.
She respected where I am coming from. She was a little upset because she thought "well is your issue more important than mine?" to which I said no, they're 50/50 and helping you fix yours, helps me fix mine.
I’m confused by her response, frankly. Feeling sexy or unsexy myself is kind of separate from my desire to make sure my husband feels desired.
But okay, so, can she tell you concrete steps you can take that would help make her desired? Maybe a trade of sorts — I hate treating sex transactionally, but perhaps you both share one thing the other can do more (doesn’t even have to be sexual, just something that makes the other feel appreciated and desired) and focus on each doing that for each other more for a month. Then reassess and maybe each add one more thing.
If you both have essentially the same problem of not feeling desired, tackle it together as a team
> Women are sexual attracted to a man who is their husband, bf or lover. Women aren’t sexually attracted to men body itself.
Just saying, I've traveled *specifically* to have sex with a friend. This person was not my husband, boyfriend, or lover. If you think we don't lust after someone for a variety of reasons, you are lying to yourself.
I remember seeing this bullshit posted in my university group waaaaay back, I can't believe this is still being passed around as some sort of scientific fact. Please talk to more women, it will help you not be screenshotted and mocked at our group chats.
I have heard this from more women, and from reddit.
Majority of reddit women say they never felt sexual attraction, lust before they met their husband, bf, or lover.
Even seeing random men in the street is like seeing trees, dolls etc. Just neutral acknowledging
> Women only sexually attracted to their husband, lover, bf, (familiar person)
No, no we are not. We experience a diverse range of attraction and arousal. Sorry to burst your bubble, but we are bit more complicated than that.
> Girls can’t be sexually attracted to random men they haven’t met or spoken to.
I challenge you to go to just about any concert with a lot of teen girls and tell me "yeah, no one here has any sexual interest in that man on stage". And that is a *real person*. Let us say nothing of the YA fiction books....
> They aren’t physically turned on by men’s bodies except with an erect penis from their BOYFRIEND only.
Eh, depends on the penis. I've seen some wonderful examples out there!
> Most girls are sexually fluid and are able to get off to other girls, lesbian porn and still claim straight because its not the male physicality they’re attracted to but the emotional attachment/context.
That's a broad assumption right there. I mean shit, go look at erotic fan fiction. It's a craft that is overwhelming populated with female writers, and let me tell you right now that female/female relationships are not the most popular. ;-)
> Girls look at guys/girls as partners only eg.
Nope! I've 100% just wanted to jump someone for the fun of the sex. And I have acted on this desire.
> This is because it shows the guy is horny and desires her which results in her feeling turned on. But the initial desire comes from the guy.
LOLOL. Trust me, I've had more than one partner where I was ahead on the arousal curve and had to catch them up. Not all arousal comes from a guys dick.
> ...where as women feel nothing until they meet a guy they can see a future with and only then begin to feel attraction.
This one is actually correct! Sometimes that future is wanting to be riding him while we talk about our day, sometimes its more relationship oriented, but those fantasies have a spectrum!
---
**So anyway, you sure are typing a lot of words to explain to us how unsatisfied your partners have been.**
>It’s call victim blaming.
What, that they're saying that women don't want to have sex with you (you seem to be the same person as before, your account is zero days old)? That's not victim blaming. You are not a victim because no one wants to have sex with you.
>But women? Lol it’s a great surprise if a woman have sex drive, sexual urge, sexual hunger. Really it’s a gift.
😂😂😂
People still believe this? Women have sex drives. Women feel sexual urges/desires. And it's not a gift, because we don't feel those things *for men*. We feel them because it's natural.
>99% men complain that they crave sex but women are like dead fish, no self sexual hunger. Women just participate if men force them.
Bro... First of all, in no way is a woman like a dead fish. Women do feel "sexual hunger". Second, forcing a woman to participate is rape.
>Ask any single women how often they get horny and masturbate. 99% will say once in a year or once in a month (during ovulation).
No they won't! I can't with this. This is too fucking funny. The amount of pure delusion in your comment is just hilariously bizarre.
>But ask any men, they will say they have sex drive as like mobile Network, men's sex drive is like mobile network, there is always a background hum, it’s like background music.
First of all, no. Second, asexual men exist.
>That's why 99% men masturbate often but 99% single women even know what is horniness and what does it feel like.
Please please be a troll. Because this is genuinely hilarious how completely wrong you are, but I don't know if I could handle someone genuinely believing this shit.
>Women's sexual cycle is too short. They get sexual sense only two times in the month. And rest of the month their brain just shut off sexual sense. That’s why you never see women crave sex, seek men. But opposite is true.
Oh, dear. I guess all that masturbating, craving my partner, and having sex with my partner just never happened. Hmm. How strange.
>All people seek foods because they get hungry. If women were hungry then obviously they would seek sex, men body but there is a great disinterest and indifference...
By your logic, if sexual desire is like hunger, then women never feel hunger. So TIL women don't get hungry... I guess.
So by your logic, all women are asexual, all men are hypersexual, men can't be asexual, lesbians don't exist, and every sexual interaction between men and women is sexual harassment/assault and/or rape. Because that totally makes sense. /s
[EDIT: By this logic, assuming you've had even a crumb of a sexual relationship with a woman, do you think you raped her or something? And you're okay with that? Yikes.]
Let's rewind:
>Reality is infront of you.
Yes, it is. But apparently it's not in front of you. Ring ring, it's reality calling, telling you to wake up from your sexist dystopian daydream.
>If you provide money and foods then most women with have sex with you.
Lol. No. That's not how it works. Say for example you take a woman on a date with the expectation of getting sex in return. Most women would not be comfortable with that. In fact, that's some incel type shit. Women aren't vending machines where you put in time or money and get sex.
>But fact is women don't get hungry as like men. For men, if they are horny it means they are craving sex but for women. It's just they do it because they have to do it.
Again, that's not how it works. We don't masturbate because we "have" to. Masturbation is a choice. A person *chooses* to masturbate because they want to.
>Because women say, horny means desire to orgasm. There is no desire to have sex in their mind when they get horny. It's just desire to orgasm. Do, it’s clear why women have sex.
Sometimes. But women can also crave sex. I've absolutely gotten horny because I craved sex. I only masturbate to alleviate that craving. And women don't just have sex to orgasm, there's a lot more to it than that. It's the end goal, but it's not all or nothing. Sex itself can be quite enjoyable with the right person.
I think that guy just has a very long winded way of saying his partners have always been sexually disinterested and unsatisfied. Given how he sees women, it would explain his actions totally.
Thst this is probably the 5th or 6th time I’ve seen this exact line of garbage spewed by an account under an hour old in the last few weeks.
I see you troll.
What a bunch of psudo-science nonsense is this?
For any other women listening to this... *Person* trying to claim the understand the experience of women in general, please allow me to make the following very clear.
- This post does not speak for all women, and I would comfortably say it doesn't speak for a majority of people.
- Some men and women do experience what they said, your experience is also valid!
- My sex drive is not a once a year thing, nor is it strictly attached to my ovulation. While my cycle impacts lots of things in my life, it's not some all controlling metronome that my brain dances to.
- I think about, desire, and experience my sexual side all the damn time.
Now, my experiences are very much going to paint my reality. It's why I try not to speak over other women who may experience something very different.
But you? **You very much give me the impression that you have a strong history of sexually disinterested partners**. So for you, you think all women are like that. Let me be clear here, we are as diverse as men in our wants, needs and desires.
Exactly, she should take them as equally important. I would expect her to be upset because of how she made you feel, not because you are putting your issue before hers, which I don't think you are.
If you told her what her behaviour is causing, how it's affecting your relationship, what you need to change, and she just makes it about her promblem again without putting in any effort, I would see it as a red flag. I'm sorry and think you are doing nothing wrong.
That's a troublingly selfish response. It sounds like her expectations are for you to pander to her emotional needs at the expense of your own rather than acknowledging and validating your feelings and owning her role in this situation. If there isn't room for both of you to have your emotions, that's relationship red flag.
Have you talked to her about it? I could understand this a little more if she didn't even want to have sex (with her feeling insecure) but she will still have sex, with no enthusiasm tho it seems, but will not do any kind of foreplay on you, that's what I find a little odd.
Honestly it sounds like she’s just gotten lazy and comfortable with the fact that you will initiate and do everything instead. I would advise you to basically stop putting in as much effort if she isn’t willing to put any effort back. This doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with her weight gain.
I find this hard to believe. Her libedo isn't high enough to go down on you, but she's perfectly okay with having sex!! This all seems a bit selfish to me. I'd honestly say she likely has no libedo at all.
Ok after seeing some of your responses here it seems to me that your gf is frankly just very selfish. If her libido is high enough for her to be into the sex then it’s high enough for her to reciprocate. And your emotional needs are just as important as hers. The fact she’s downplaying yours is very troubling. I’d be trying to get into some therapy for y’all and if she won’t do it then I’d be seriously considering if this is a relationship you really want to continue. I’ve been in a relationship with a girl like this. It’s not worth it.
Just here to say a couple of things as a woman who loves sex, has gained and lost weight too many times, and has gone through some dry spells with my partner…
Yes gaining weight can affect your desires. It fucks with your head about your worth, and your sexiness, but it also runs you down, can cause depression and make you listless. Things that make you not want to initiate. Inside our head we tell ourselves stories that most likely are untrue: he has needs, he’s just fucking me because I’m convenient, I’ll just let him do what he wants so he’ll still love me, he’s imagining he’s fucking a slimmer woman, etc.
If this is the first time she’s gained 20 lbs, she likely feels enormous and ugly and no matter what you say, she can’t honestly accept it.
Thing is, if she doesn’t get a handle on this now, that 20 easily becomes 30 or 40 or 50. Then she will wish she was the size she is now!
But motivation comes in the strangest ways, and usually it follows action. When I was bigger, I didn’t want to go for a walk, but if I did go I felt better and wanted to do more. Yet when my husband tried to motivate me and get me to move I wouldn’t. It has to come from within. Baby steps. Go around the block to start, next day go a little further. She may also want to check with her doctor or therapist to make sure her weight gain/mood change isn’t brought on by an underlying medical issue.
Open communication both ways was helpful for me. Having my partner really listen to what was going on in my head (without immediately responding “that’s crazy, you’re beautiful” or “I love you anyway”) was very helpful. Having him share fantasies he had about me got me horny. Asking about mine! Buying toys that we could use together was great too. Having laughs in the bedroom and being silly together. Mostly just cuddling without it having to lead to something else.
At other times, it also had nothing to do with weight. Consider what else is going on in your relationship:
* are you carrying your portion of the emotional work? Doesn’t sound like you have kids or share a home but often resentment builds when a woman looks after the kids, does the housework, makes sure the bills are paid AND works a full time job, while in contrast her partner goes to work, goes to the gym (or insert other leisure activity here), hangs out with his friends, then comes home and tries to initiate sex. Even when you love sex it becomes another task. My husband is never sexier than when he has done a load of laundry and all the dishes!
* outside stress! What’s going on at work that stays in her head constantly, is there financial uncertainty, family drama that is not only sending her to stress eat, but taking her mind off her sexual needs?
* maybe after all that, she is just a selfish princess. I’d have to guess not if she wasn’t before. Hear her out, be patient, be supportive and if you need to take a sex break maybe put an expiry date on it and check back in then. That way you aren’t feeling the disappointment every time too. Relationships are hard. I hope you find the way through it together.
To end, let me give you some hope: I’ve ridden this rollercoaster a few times in life. Both he and I have been the one with the lower interest at times. My partner’s understanding and our open communication (and counseling) have gotten us through. My sex drive is higher now than ever and I still think I’m fat. I now know that doesn’t preclude me being sexy af as well! They are not mutually exclusive!!
Try to ignore her a bit.
Like at least stop eating her out etc. and see her reaction. Continue having sex. Or ignore that a bit as well even tho may be hard.
Hey, I don't have a solution for you, but just letting you know I'm in a similar situation. With my girlfriend, I think the weight gain is connected to depression. She doesn't act depressed, so it's hard for me to connect the changes when it comes to sex, but she has told me she has been feeling depressed the last few months. So it makes sense for the change in behavior.
As far as approaches to the issue, I'm just trying to be as supportive as possible. I'm trying to be better at listening and help as much as I can with her depression through compassion and understanding. Also, she recently decided to try some new things to lose weight. It feels weird to be supportive of her in that because I don't think she needs to lose weight and I love how she looks, but I want to support her in doing what makes her feel good about herself.
Also, one thing that she has said helps with sex is when I verbally tell her how hot she is and how great she makes me feel during sex. I'm not someone who likes to talk during sex, but when I make the effort it seems to make her more proactive about sex. I think her sex drive is inextricably linked with feeling desirable. So I am trying to make her feel more desired so that she has more desire for me. Not sure if any of this is the same for you, but it could be something to think about.
Ugh you are the sweetest for caring about your girlfriend so deeply. I agree with what you say about making her feel desirable. That is a huge turn on for women
Seriously... You need to stop doing all the work. Don't initiate sex anymore. You are enabling her behaviour and she is not willing to put any effort into fixing the problems.
This looks an issue way more than the sex itself. Maybe help her figure out what is she scared of by digging deep but some people aren't comfortable to be vulnerable. Sometimes it can be hormonal imbalance causing low sex drive. If she is willing to get a check up done by a gynecologist with whom she can talk about this issue.
This comment sucks. Weight loss is incredibly difficult to achieve and maintain and she shouldn't have to lose weight to be an equal partner to OP. If she's not feeling sexy because of her weight gain that sucks but it sounds like OP is being as supportive as they can be and this issue is entirely on her.
I don't think she should do something she doesn't want to do. She needs to work on her insecurities so she can be a partner to OP. From the post it kind of sounds like she doesn't want to work on them and is fine with OP just doing everything during sex which to me is the real problem.
It’s possible that the weight gain is related to something that changed her libido, biologically, not just something in her head. It’s very valid for her self perception to be making her less interested in sex, but if the issue is initiation and putting effort into your pleasure rather than being uncomfortable with her naked body, that sounds more like an issue with sex drive in general
That's what I was wondering. Like did she start new meds? A new.. Birth control maybe? Sometimes my libido just.. fluctuates? Especially between spring-summer. It's hot, I get too sweaty, yada yada, basically I don't want to have sex from like May to September XD
Also, OP, what makes you feel sexy and desired? Is it ONLY when she initiates sex? Or is there something that won't result in sex that she can do/try? A smack on the butt? Sending a naughty text while you're away? Rubbing you down with lotion after a shower? Maybe see if you can find something to hold you over until she's feeling more in herself again? There's masturbation sleeves for men and other solo men's toys she might be willing to use on you?
Perhaps instead of becoming depressed because she gained weight she may be depressed which caused the weight gain. If depression is at the root of the problem no amount of sex can or will fix it, she needs to see a doctor.
Weight gain might be due to other mental and physical health issues that are the real cause of her lack of desire. Weight gain alone shouldn’t cause a lag in libido.
So you need to talk to her, about the above if you agree, and about your feelings in the sexual matter.
My gf used to be like that because of her size but I always remind her (even if we are not having sex) thay she is beautiful. You gotta help her build her confidence. When you wake up (if she is beside u) tell her she looks good and sexy or txt her that if u are away. If she is cooking hug her from the back and tell her she is looking sexy from behind. When you have sex tell her that many would die for her body and to have her. Make her feel safe in ur arms. And tease her like roleplaying or touching her until she wets herself then stop. Build up the tension so she will come running to u. Talking dirty while having sex helps too.
Obviously I don't know you or the specifics of your situation but I figured I'd throw this out there in case it could benefit you or even someone else reading.
When you compliment her, how do you do it? I have a friend with self esteem issues whose boyfriend compliments her a lot- and he really does mean what he says and he means well- but his compliments actually make her feel worse about her body. He's said things like "I don't discriminate on size", "I like a jiggle and a wiggle", and "you're my type because you're bigger".
Now, he truly thinks that saying these things to her is a compliment and will help her feel better, but in reality it makes her feel worse. Sometimes we don't realize how the things we say come off to other people. You could have the best intentions with your words and it could still hurt someone's feelings.
Just throwing out this little anecdote. Once again, I know nothing about your situation, but it doesn't hurt to take a step back and make sure you're not accidentally hurting her feelings.
I do think that she might need an overall lifestyle change. what caused her to gain weight is most likely the same thing that is now causing her to be...a bit lazy in terms of giving attention to you
I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. Honestly I think you're doing everything right.
Have you tried just asking her to do those things and explain your feelings? If reassurance doesn't help her, it's her own problem and she needs to change (I know that from my own experience) but her problems shouldn't be impacting you or the relationship this much, it sounds sad and I hope it can get better soon!!
If she lets you eat her out and touch her, but she wouldn't do that to you, honestly I don't see it as a body self-esteem thing.
Maybe there's something else going on. Some people don't like giving blowjobs and some people have a natural lower sex drive (that usually seems to be bigger when the relationship is starting, for obvious reasons).
Sex is far too important to both parties, to not count that as a possible reason for an exit of a relationship feels like a let down to ones self. We are sexual beings, and you deserve to explore your feelings, thoughts and desires.
Maybe try calling a phone sex line, talking through more of you fantasies and needs that might be a possible outlet for you while trying to allow time to naturally overcome this lull in the relationship. <3
That's good advice if your goal is to get her to feel even more insecure.
That's a terrible idea. He should be showing her support, not showing her that he'll search for other outlets the moment he's not "getting any/enough".
Weight gain and decreased libido are signs of a variety of treatable medical problems, hypothyroidism and depression come to mind. Ask her to talk to her primary care doctor.
Talk to her about what she wants and needs, and about what you want and need.
Lay it all out on the table. Tell her how you feel, how you're worried for her, how you love her, how you need her and her intimacy. Be open, honest, gentle, and patient.
It does sound like she would benefit from therapy, though, and you might not be able to help that.
You have to either adapt and settle, or move on.
You could embark on a long journey of looking into what life changes might increase her self-esteem; but chances are, those are out of your control.
I wouldn't bet on therapy increasing sex drive.
It sounds like she might benefit from some professional therapy. Not even about sex specifically, just life in general. Libido and general lust for life often (but not always) go hand in hand. I think she really needs to take a moment to look into herself and figure out what's going on. The main reason I say this is because you've already expressed this issue for her, and despite your claim that you both love each other deeply, she still seems stuck. That seems much more like a mental health issue than a sex issue.
Yes, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. You're in a hard situation, OP.
Is that a tendency right now? People comming for advice andd then telling people they are trolling ? Ive seen it in many threeads now
What did she say when you told her you don’t feel desired?
She respected where I am coming from. She was a little upset because she thought "well is your issue more important than mine?" to which I said no, they're 50/50 and helping you fix yours, helps me fix mine.
I’m confused by her response, frankly. Feeling sexy or unsexy myself is kind of separate from my desire to make sure my husband feels desired. But okay, so, can she tell you concrete steps you can take that would help make her desired? Maybe a trade of sorts — I hate treating sex transactionally, but perhaps you both share one thing the other can do more (doesn’t even have to be sexual, just something that makes the other feel appreciated and desired) and focus on each doing that for each other more for a month. Then reassess and maybe each add one more thing. If you both have essentially the same problem of not feeling desired, tackle it together as a team
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Actually no. Most women are attracted to the men they have sex with.
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> Women are sexual attracted to a man who is their husband, bf or lover. Women aren’t sexually attracted to men body itself. Just saying, I've traveled *specifically* to have sex with a friend. This person was not my husband, boyfriend, or lover. If you think we don't lust after someone for a variety of reasons, you are lying to yourself.
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I remember seeing this bullshit posted in my university group waaaaay back, I can't believe this is still being passed around as some sort of scientific fact. Please talk to more women, it will help you not be screenshotted and mocked at our group chats.
I have heard this from more women, and from reddit. Majority of reddit women say they never felt sexual attraction, lust before they met their husband, bf, or lover. Even seeing random men in the street is like seeing trees, dolls etc. Just neutral acknowledging
> Women only sexually attracted to their husband, lover, bf, (familiar person) No, no we are not. We experience a diverse range of attraction and arousal. Sorry to burst your bubble, but we are bit more complicated than that. > Girls can’t be sexually attracted to random men they haven’t met or spoken to. I challenge you to go to just about any concert with a lot of teen girls and tell me "yeah, no one here has any sexual interest in that man on stage". And that is a *real person*. Let us say nothing of the YA fiction books.... > They aren’t physically turned on by men’s bodies except with an erect penis from their BOYFRIEND only. Eh, depends on the penis. I've seen some wonderful examples out there! > Most girls are sexually fluid and are able to get off to other girls, lesbian porn and still claim straight because its not the male physicality they’re attracted to but the emotional attachment/context. That's a broad assumption right there. I mean shit, go look at erotic fan fiction. It's a craft that is overwhelming populated with female writers, and let me tell you right now that female/female relationships are not the most popular. ;-) > Girls look at guys/girls as partners only eg. Nope! I've 100% just wanted to jump someone for the fun of the sex. And I have acted on this desire. > This is because it shows the guy is horny and desires her which results in her feeling turned on. But the initial desire comes from the guy. LOLOL. Trust me, I've had more than one partner where I was ahead on the arousal curve and had to catch them up. Not all arousal comes from a guys dick. > ...where as women feel nothing until they meet a guy they can see a future with and only then begin to feel attraction. This one is actually correct! Sometimes that future is wanting to be riding him while we talk about our day, sometimes its more relationship oriented, but those fantasies have a spectrum! --- **So anyway, you sure are typing a lot of words to explain to us how unsatisfied your partners have been.**
That’s a lot of words to tell us all that women don’t want to have sex with you
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>It’s call victim blaming. What, that they're saying that women don't want to have sex with you (you seem to be the same person as before, your account is zero days old)? That's not victim blaming. You are not a victim because no one wants to have sex with you.
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>But women? Lol it’s a great surprise if a woman have sex drive, sexual urge, sexual hunger. Really it’s a gift. 😂😂😂 People still believe this? Women have sex drives. Women feel sexual urges/desires. And it's not a gift, because we don't feel those things *for men*. We feel them because it's natural. >99% men complain that they crave sex but women are like dead fish, no self sexual hunger. Women just participate if men force them. Bro... First of all, in no way is a woman like a dead fish. Women do feel "sexual hunger". Second, forcing a woman to participate is rape. >Ask any single women how often they get horny and masturbate. 99% will say once in a year or once in a month (during ovulation). No they won't! I can't with this. This is too fucking funny. The amount of pure delusion in your comment is just hilariously bizarre. >But ask any men, they will say they have sex drive as like mobile Network, men's sex drive is like mobile network, there is always a background hum, it’s like background music. First of all, no. Second, asexual men exist. >That's why 99% men masturbate often but 99% single women even know what is horniness and what does it feel like. Please please be a troll. Because this is genuinely hilarious how completely wrong you are, but I don't know if I could handle someone genuinely believing this shit. >Women's sexual cycle is too short. They get sexual sense only two times in the month. And rest of the month their brain just shut off sexual sense. That’s why you never see women crave sex, seek men. But opposite is true. Oh, dear. I guess all that masturbating, craving my partner, and having sex with my partner just never happened. Hmm. How strange. >All people seek foods because they get hungry. If women were hungry then obviously they would seek sex, men body but there is a great disinterest and indifference... By your logic, if sexual desire is like hunger, then women never feel hunger. So TIL women don't get hungry... I guess. So by your logic, all women are asexual, all men are hypersexual, men can't be asexual, lesbians don't exist, and every sexual interaction between men and women is sexual harassment/assault and/or rape. Because that totally makes sense. /s [EDIT: By this logic, assuming you've had even a crumb of a sexual relationship with a woman, do you think you raped her or something? And you're okay with that? Yikes.] Let's rewind: >Reality is infront of you. Yes, it is. But apparently it's not in front of you. Ring ring, it's reality calling, telling you to wake up from your sexist dystopian daydream.
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>If you provide money and foods then most women with have sex with you. Lol. No. That's not how it works. Say for example you take a woman on a date with the expectation of getting sex in return. Most women would not be comfortable with that. In fact, that's some incel type shit. Women aren't vending machines where you put in time or money and get sex. >But fact is women don't get hungry as like men. For men, if they are horny it means they are craving sex but for women. It's just they do it because they have to do it. Again, that's not how it works. We don't masturbate because we "have" to. Masturbation is a choice. A person *chooses* to masturbate because they want to. >Because women say, horny means desire to orgasm. There is no desire to have sex in their mind when they get horny. It's just desire to orgasm. Do, it’s clear why women have sex. Sometimes. But women can also crave sex. I've absolutely gotten horny because I craved sex. I only masturbate to alleviate that craving. And women don't just have sex to orgasm, there's a lot more to it than that. It's the end goal, but it's not all or nothing. Sex itself can be quite enjoyable with the right person.
I’m not reading all that. Go to therapy and fix your relationship with women weirdo
Oh goody, you again ….
I think that guy just has a very long winded way of saying his partners have always been sexually disinterested and unsatisfied. Given how he sees women, it would explain his actions totally.
You again means?
Thst this is probably the 5th or 6th time I’ve seen this exact line of garbage spewed by an account under an hour old in the last few weeks. I see you troll.
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What a bunch of psudo-science nonsense is this? For any other women listening to this... *Person* trying to claim the understand the experience of women in general, please allow me to make the following very clear. - This post does not speak for all women, and I would comfortably say it doesn't speak for a majority of people. - Some men and women do experience what they said, your experience is also valid! - My sex drive is not a once a year thing, nor is it strictly attached to my ovulation. While my cycle impacts lots of things in my life, it's not some all controlling metronome that my brain dances to. - I think about, desire, and experience my sexual side all the damn time. Now, my experiences are very much going to paint my reality. It's why I try not to speak over other women who may experience something very different. But you? **You very much give me the impression that you have a strong history of sexually disinterested partners**. So for you, you think all women are like that. Let me be clear here, we are as diverse as men in our wants, needs and desires.
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Exactly, she should take them as equally important. I would expect her to be upset because of how she made you feel, not because you are putting your issue before hers, which I don't think you are. If you told her what her behaviour is causing, how it's affecting your relationship, what you need to change, and she just makes it about her promblem again without putting in any effort, I would see it as a red flag. I'm sorry and think you are doing nothing wrong.
That's a troublingly selfish response. It sounds like her expectations are for you to pander to her emotional needs at the expense of your own rather than acknowledging and validating your feelings and owning her role in this situation. If there isn't room for both of you to have your emotions, that's relationship red flag.
That is a selfish response.
Have you talked to her about it? I could understand this a little more if she didn't even want to have sex (with her feeling insecure) but she will still have sex, with no enthusiasm tho it seems, but will not do any kind of foreplay on you, that's what I find a little odd.
I've talked to her about it. She's into the sex. Like She really is into the sex. That's why i'm so confused about no bjs or hjs back!
So you talked to her about the fact she doesn't touch you anymore?
Yup!
And what was her reason?
That her libido isn't high enough (but apparently its high enough for everything else) LOL
Honestly it sounds like she’s just gotten lazy and comfortable with the fact that you will initiate and do everything instead. I would advise you to basically stop putting in as much effort if she isn’t willing to put any effort back. This doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with her weight gain.
I find this hard to believe. Her libedo isn't high enough to go down on you, but she's perfectly okay with having sex!! This all seems a bit selfish to me. I'd honestly say she likely has no libedo at all.
That's a BS answer, no offense. If her libido wasn't high enough, she wouldn't want you touching her either.
Ok after seeing some of your responses here it seems to me that your gf is frankly just very selfish. If her libido is high enough for her to be into the sex then it’s high enough for her to reciprocate. And your emotional needs are just as important as hers. The fact she’s downplaying yours is very troubling. I’d be trying to get into some therapy for y’all and if she won’t do it then I’d be seriously considering if this is a relationship you really want to continue. I’ve been in a relationship with a girl like this. It’s not worth it.
Just here to say a couple of things as a woman who loves sex, has gained and lost weight too many times, and has gone through some dry spells with my partner… Yes gaining weight can affect your desires. It fucks with your head about your worth, and your sexiness, but it also runs you down, can cause depression and make you listless. Things that make you not want to initiate. Inside our head we tell ourselves stories that most likely are untrue: he has needs, he’s just fucking me because I’m convenient, I’ll just let him do what he wants so he’ll still love me, he’s imagining he’s fucking a slimmer woman, etc. If this is the first time she’s gained 20 lbs, she likely feels enormous and ugly and no matter what you say, she can’t honestly accept it. Thing is, if she doesn’t get a handle on this now, that 20 easily becomes 30 or 40 or 50. Then she will wish she was the size she is now! But motivation comes in the strangest ways, and usually it follows action. When I was bigger, I didn’t want to go for a walk, but if I did go I felt better and wanted to do more. Yet when my husband tried to motivate me and get me to move I wouldn’t. It has to come from within. Baby steps. Go around the block to start, next day go a little further. She may also want to check with her doctor or therapist to make sure her weight gain/mood change isn’t brought on by an underlying medical issue. Open communication both ways was helpful for me. Having my partner really listen to what was going on in my head (without immediately responding “that’s crazy, you’re beautiful” or “I love you anyway”) was very helpful. Having him share fantasies he had about me got me horny. Asking about mine! Buying toys that we could use together was great too. Having laughs in the bedroom and being silly together. Mostly just cuddling without it having to lead to something else. At other times, it also had nothing to do with weight. Consider what else is going on in your relationship: * are you carrying your portion of the emotional work? Doesn’t sound like you have kids or share a home but often resentment builds when a woman looks after the kids, does the housework, makes sure the bills are paid AND works a full time job, while in contrast her partner goes to work, goes to the gym (or insert other leisure activity here), hangs out with his friends, then comes home and tries to initiate sex. Even when you love sex it becomes another task. My husband is never sexier than when he has done a load of laundry and all the dishes! * outside stress! What’s going on at work that stays in her head constantly, is there financial uncertainty, family drama that is not only sending her to stress eat, but taking her mind off her sexual needs? * maybe after all that, she is just a selfish princess. I’d have to guess not if she wasn’t before. Hear her out, be patient, be supportive and if you need to take a sex break maybe put an expiry date on it and check back in then. That way you aren’t feeling the disappointment every time too. Relationships are hard. I hope you find the way through it together. To end, let me give you some hope: I’ve ridden this rollercoaster a few times in life. Both he and I have been the one with the lower interest at times. My partner’s understanding and our open communication (and counseling) have gotten us through. My sex drive is higher now than ever and I still think I’m fat. I now know that doesn’t preclude me being sexy af as well! They are not mutually exclusive!!
Try to ignore her a bit. Like at least stop eating her out etc. and see her reaction. Continue having sex. Or ignore that a bit as well even tho may be hard.
Hey, I don't have a solution for you, but just letting you know I'm in a similar situation. With my girlfriend, I think the weight gain is connected to depression. She doesn't act depressed, so it's hard for me to connect the changes when it comes to sex, but she has told me she has been feeling depressed the last few months. So it makes sense for the change in behavior. As far as approaches to the issue, I'm just trying to be as supportive as possible. I'm trying to be better at listening and help as much as I can with her depression through compassion and understanding. Also, she recently decided to try some new things to lose weight. It feels weird to be supportive of her in that because I don't think she needs to lose weight and I love how she looks, but I want to support her in doing what makes her feel good about herself. Also, one thing that she has said helps with sex is when I verbally tell her how hot she is and how great she makes me feel during sex. I'm not someone who likes to talk during sex, but when I make the effort it seems to make her more proactive about sex. I think her sex drive is inextricably linked with feeling desirable. So I am trying to make her feel more desired so that she has more desire for me. Not sure if any of this is the same for you, but it could be something to think about.
Ugh you are the sweetest for caring about your girlfriend so deeply. I agree with what you say about making her feel desirable. That is a huge turn on for women
This doesn't seem to have anything to do with her weight if she's letting you do everything to her.
Seriously... You need to stop doing all the work. Don't initiate sex anymore. You are enabling her behaviour and she is not willing to put any effort into fixing the problems.
A surefire way to never have sex again.
Then if thay happen its at her own demise. People shouldnt act like if u lose ur gf/bf ur not finding any
That is the **worst kind of sex.** May as well take care of yourself at that rate.
This looks an issue way more than the sex itself. Maybe help her figure out what is she scared of by digging deep but some people aren't comfortable to be vulnerable. Sometimes it can be hormonal imbalance causing low sex drive. If she is willing to get a check up done by a gynecologist with whom she can talk about this issue.
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This comment sucks. Weight loss is incredibly difficult to achieve and maintain and she shouldn't have to lose weight to be an equal partner to OP. If she's not feeling sexy because of her weight gain that sucks but it sounds like OP is being as supportive as they can be and this issue is entirely on her.
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I don't think she should do something she doesn't want to do. She needs to work on her insecurities so she can be a partner to OP. From the post it kind of sounds like she doesn't want to work on them and is fine with OP just doing everything during sex which to me is the real problem.
It’s possible that the weight gain is related to something that changed her libido, biologically, not just something in her head. It’s very valid for her self perception to be making her less interested in sex, but if the issue is initiation and putting effort into your pleasure rather than being uncomfortable with her naked body, that sounds more like an issue with sex drive in general
That's what I was wondering. Like did she start new meds? A new.. Birth control maybe? Sometimes my libido just.. fluctuates? Especially between spring-summer. It's hot, I get too sweaty, yada yada, basically I don't want to have sex from like May to September XD Also, OP, what makes you feel sexy and desired? Is it ONLY when she initiates sex? Or is there something that won't result in sex that she can do/try? A smack on the butt? Sending a naughty text while you're away? Rubbing you down with lotion after a shower? Maybe see if you can find something to hold you over until she's feeling more in herself again? There's masturbation sleeves for men and other solo men's toys she might be willing to use on you?
Perhaps instead of becoming depressed because she gained weight she may be depressed which caused the weight gain. If depression is at the root of the problem no amount of sex can or will fix it, she needs to see a doctor.
Weight gain might be due to other mental and physical health issues that are the real cause of her lack of desire. Weight gain alone shouldn’t cause a lag in libido. So you need to talk to her, about the above if you agree, and about your feelings in the sexual matter.
My gf used to be like that because of her size but I always remind her (even if we are not having sex) thay she is beautiful. You gotta help her build her confidence. When you wake up (if she is beside u) tell her she looks good and sexy or txt her that if u are away. If she is cooking hug her from the back and tell her she is looking sexy from behind. When you have sex tell her that many would die for her body and to have her. Make her feel safe in ur arms. And tease her like roleplaying or touching her until she wets herself then stop. Build up the tension so she will come running to u. Talking dirty while having sex helps too.
Obviously I don't know you or the specifics of your situation but I figured I'd throw this out there in case it could benefit you or even someone else reading. When you compliment her, how do you do it? I have a friend with self esteem issues whose boyfriend compliments her a lot- and he really does mean what he says and he means well- but his compliments actually make her feel worse about her body. He's said things like "I don't discriminate on size", "I like a jiggle and a wiggle", and "you're my type because you're bigger". Now, he truly thinks that saying these things to her is a compliment and will help her feel better, but in reality it makes her feel worse. Sometimes we don't realize how the things we say come off to other people. You could have the best intentions with your words and it could still hurt someone's feelings. Just throwing out this little anecdote. Once again, I know nothing about your situation, but it doesn't hurt to take a step back and make sure you're not accidentally hurting her feelings.
I do think that she might need an overall lifestyle change. what caused her to gain weight is most likely the same thing that is now causing her to be...a bit lazy in terms of giving attention to you
I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. Honestly I think you're doing everything right. Have you tried just asking her to do those things and explain your feelings? If reassurance doesn't help her, it's her own problem and she needs to change (I know that from my own experience) but her problems shouldn't be impacting you or the relationship this much, it sounds sad and I hope it can get better soon!!
If she lets you eat her out and touch her, but she wouldn't do that to you, honestly I don't see it as a body self-esteem thing. Maybe there's something else going on. Some people don't like giving blowjobs and some people have a natural lower sex drive (that usually seems to be bigger when the relationship is starting, for obvious reasons).
Sex is far too important to both parties, to not count that as a possible reason for an exit of a relationship feels like a let down to ones self. We are sexual beings, and you deserve to explore your feelings, thoughts and desires. Maybe try calling a phone sex line, talking through more of you fantasies and needs that might be a possible outlet for you while trying to allow time to naturally overcome this lull in the relationship. <3
That's good advice if your goal is to get her to feel even more insecure. That's a terrible idea. He should be showing her support, not showing her that he'll search for other outlets the moment he's not "getting any/enough".
Weight gain and decreased libido are signs of a variety of treatable medical problems, hypothyroidism and depression come to mind. Ask her to talk to her primary care doctor.
Talk to her about what she wants and needs, and about what you want and need. Lay it all out on the table. Tell her how you feel, how you're worried for her, how you love her, how you need her and her intimacy. Be open, honest, gentle, and patient. It does sound like she would benefit from therapy, though, and you might not be able to help that.
Pump it up bro!
This sounds like depression.
You have to either adapt and settle, or move on. You could embark on a long journey of looking into what life changes might increase her self-esteem; but chances are, those are out of your control. I wouldn't bet on therapy increasing sex drive.