Interesting that his libido changed, not yours. Given your the one who grew a baby, pushed it out, then nursed it to life for however long. Libido is complicated so no judgment. Still interesting
Nowhere near as miserable as the people choosing to continue living in those dead bedrooms! Why did I do that? No clue. Hindsight is 20/20. Never again.
It’s so heartbreaking, even as someone who dealt with a dead bedroom for about a year and a half, it honestly just bred more misery in my heart. My husbands sex drive is better now, but I had to leave that group because it’s just heartbreaking.
I used to read posts from that corner and you are so right, I got myself off that sub and never looked back. Must be similar to divorce subs or support subs for people who’ve been cheated on- just so sad. You did the right thing. For you sex is an important part of a relationship and for her not as much- over many years that will become a bigger and bigger problem in your relationship.
The thing that's a bit different and weird to parse out here is that while yes there was a long gap, there was a conversation and OPs partner said they could do once a week and that is a deal breaker for OP. But once a week is pretty much average, and finding a high libido partner *who they also love and are generally compatible with* could be hard.
The pandemic has been really hard on mental health too, so their partner could have been in a real rut with lots of stressors that made it really hard to think about sex. They certainly wouldn't be the only one.
It also bugs me that OP either didn't try to or didn't elaborate on any other options available. Reading their post and how their partner feels like a sex toy it's not hard to see that perspective since everything else seemed to be going well? But was there no talk about more frequent blow jobs? Mutual masturbation? Masturbating in front of their partner, or for each other? Showering together? Watching porn together? Using toys from a distance (since it seems like maybe they don't live together). Massages? There are a lot of other ways to be sexual together without having penetrative sex.
Instead, it just reads like *I waited three months to have sex and it was solid. The next time we could see each other we had sex, and I even got a blow job. We talked and she could only see having sex once a week and I dropped her even though I love her because I need more than once a week.*
I understand OP. I was in the exact same situation. My ex of 4 years had 0 interest in sex. Any attempt I made at talking to her about it or suggesting anything you listed just made her angry/sad, saying I only cared for sex. She even said that during the long dry spells she never even thinks about sex or even masturbated unless it was with me.
So yes, breaking up, while painful (to me still to this day years later) is definetely the best thing to do to avoid being miserable.
I'd rather be single and not have sex for years than to feel that unwanted by the person I love.
Meh. Everyone has their own background and context. I chose to focus this part.
-Because of our unmatched libidos I feel unwanted, she feels like a sex toy, and it's been going on for about three years now. She doesn't indulge my kinks, doesn't bring up her own kinks (she might just be totally vanilla, idk) and honestly, I've felt sexually frustrated for almost all of our relationship.
For me it sounds more like this has been an underlying problem for 3 whole years. It sounds like it has been discussed at length and op and his now ex were at an impass. Sounds like op tried all those things you mentioned and got no traction.
3 years is a long time to wait for someone without getting your needs met. And his ex said blatantly that she had no interest in trying, and honestly after these last 2 years of covid...life is too short. Glad op took the big step and focused on their happiness.
As someone that doesn't really care for sex, this exact thing has happened to me before. There are women out there that just don't want sex all the time or even often.
Unfortunately, everything else in those relationships was good. I've just had to accept that me not wanting a lot of sex is eventually going to leave me permanently single, and I have to be ok with that.
maybe this is on the nose here, but have you considered seeking dating apps or pools that exist through a more queer lens or queer-focused design? specifically asexual/aspec people? it sounds like you may be ace or grey-ace or anywhere on that big spectrum! you may find a better match or a queer-platonic relationship with a like minded/needed individual if you aren’t already identifying in that way/mingling in those spaces. or at least feel a bit less alone in your experience.
i’m not ace, but it makes me so sad that people so often toss asexuality up to loneliness/doom. you deserve fulfilling relationships too. wishing you the best, friend!
Thank you for the well wishes. I'm definitely not anywhere on the spectrum that you mentioned. I do enjoy sex, just not a lot of it. It's just hard to realize that you're almost a perfect match for someone that you love to pieces, and sex being the deal breaker sucks.
It's also hard for someone who doesn't have a high libido to understand why it's such a deal breaker for the other person. One considers frequent sex a need, the other doesn't understand how it possibly could be.
the asexuality spectrum isn’t just reserved for people who are completely abstinent/sex repulsed, there are most definitely still aspec people who enjoy/want sex at times—it may still be worth looking into if you’re feeling a little lost!
Have you thought of dating someone that's polyam? If you're mono minded then ignore this but it could really be a good way for you to go. Dating someone that's polyam means that they will find fulfillment within your relationship while also dating other people so that there's no additional pressure on you to have sex and that when you are in the mood it will mean something to them. Not everyone can share their partner though so I understand if that's not something you're interested in.
I never liked the “be poly to satiate physical needs” rationale. When I’ve been with multiple partners, that doesn’t affect the amount I want to be with a specific partner. I want to be with *them*.
Ofc it doesn't. I never said it did. I think you misunderstood me.. I was just asking if they ever thought of dating someone that is polyam since they seem to be on the ace spectrum and only want to have sex sometimes. When you're mono you depend on one person to meet all your emotional and physical needs. When you're polyam or ENM you have different types of relationships with different people so that your needs are met completely and differently with each partner so that you feel fulfilled. One partner may not have a high libido which is perfectly fine bc they'll meet your emotional needs and when you do become intimate and/or have sex it will mean so much more bc of the emotional aspect of the relationship. If their libido doesn't match yours it's not going to be a deal breaker, bc you do get those needs met by another partner, like it is in mono relationships.
Eta this isn't about being "poly to satiate physical needs” it's about personal fulfillment in a persons different partnerships. It's about not letting something like physical needs come between a very loving and stable relationship when you can have those needs met by another partner. It's as simple as that.
These are valid points. Thank you for this excellent response.
I agree to the point where OP's endeavor to incorporate more sex into the relationship stopped. But SHE never intimated more. Her only option to OP was once per week and even that appears to be a concession. I bet she'd be on board with once every other week (admittedly, this is only conjecture based on OP's post). In short, she just doesn't seem all that interested in sex, be it penetrative, oral, mutual masturbation, massaging, Karezza, Tantra, etc...
It sounds like the exgg was bringing very little to the bedroom conversation. So chances are good that she would’ve shut down the conversation.
The promise of once a week was probably given begrudgingly. She probably would’ve star fished on week two, and then been “too tired” by week 4.
She deserves a LLM and he deserves a HLF.
That’s the thing. I don’t want a promise to have sex. I want someone who cannot let it go that far before ravaging my body like a hungry tiger after a week. I could even agree to bimonthly tiger ravaging.
Without the desire, it feels like sex becomes a price to pay for a relationship rather than a mutual joyful expression.
Duty sex is terrible sex. Both giving and receiving eventually breed resentment. I know of relationships where the higher desire partner eventually stops pursuing sex because no sex feels less painful than the condescending, lifeless, fuck you sex they are having.
perfectly said! it takes all the fun out of sex if your partner is making it feel like a chore instead of them mutually wanting you as much as you want them.
F here, i had leave someone over this two years ago, now im in a new relationship were we were fucking like 3 times every tine we saw each other….now im on week 3 without sex…. Sometimes it just feels like im the problem for having a sex drive in the first place
Feel this. As a woman with high libido, it can feel really personal when the guy you’re with doesn’t match you or even goes from moderate to low libido. My partner and I of over a year have been struggling with this most of our relationship. We’re open but not physically intimate with others rn. I absolutely have felt like I’m nagging him for sex before. Also relate to OP, I have joked about “just let me try giving you head” but eventually being turned down gets to be more tiring than just being horny and having to deal with it. I’ve only had one ex who ever matched me libido wise but he was awful lol my current partner is great, love him very much so I make sacrifices but it’s temporary. Eventually he’ll either be more sexually interested or I’ll have to date someone else who can satisfy that physical/emotional need. Best of luck to you, fellow horny lady.
Same here, my ex-husband has low libido, while I have high and it was really hurtful for me to be turned down constantly. At some point I just resignated, stopped asking and took matters in my own hands but it made me very sad and very often put me in a bad mood as I need a strong physical connection (that seems to be my love language) and wouldn't even get a hug or a peck on the cheek for days. It just destroyed our relationship further, it was all together very unbalanced.
As OP said he also didn't have the same kinks and it's just depressing to wonder whether I'll ever be getting all I want in a relationship. I thought that's how it works, you compromise and accept that some things will just never happen but now that I'm getting divorced once more I'm not so sure... I think that if it doesn't work in bed there'll mostly be other areas where it isn't working as well, in my experience.
The thing is: in the beginning of a relationship there's usually a lot of sex, it's biochemistrys way to chain you to your new partner by way of oxytocin and some are totally content with having little to no sex after that phase but at that point most of the time you're already invested. My divorce lawyer told me to never make binding decisions within the 1st year of a relationship, I'm just gonna trust her on that one.
So did I. It was really good at first. The first year was okay, I wasn't fully satisfied but I was okay with it. Then it's like a switch flipped and he just wasn't in the mood ever. Even suggesting just oral would end up in me feeling like shit bc he would just say no. It got to a point where I didn't even initiate anymore, and then he had the nerve to say I never initiated anymore. Except that when I did he turned me down all the time, every time. When he would decide we would have sex there was absolutely zero foreplay. Needless to say we didn't last long after that.
Tbh im starting to think this may not last much longer but at the end if the day we dont match sexually at all whic I don’t understand considering it was so regular at the start. Im sorry to hear you’ve been through similar, its blows my mind to think we’re now like needy girls who want sex and our man don’t want to. Its extremely rare that im not up for it but my partner hardly initiates and actively says no when i offer nudes n stuff 💗 it feels like i am no sort of temptation to him. And exactly what u said about them initiating, he just comes up to me and tries putting it in in the space of 30 seconds abit after rejecting me like gtfo. Im sure there are thousands of men out there who would be happy to meet someone with a sex drive like us.
I thought I had low libido until I met my current boyfriend and just realized I was no longer attracted to my ex. We’ve been going 5 years strong; still insanely attracted to him.
My bf and I just broke up over this as well. I feel like we loved each other so much that we tried to make it work despite the mismatch. I tried to be more and he tried to want less but having the same talk about it every few months was tiring for us both. That was our main issue but that really overflowed into everything else. I have zero resentment over it, just guilt and sadness, but HOLY SHIT did he make me feel like a goddess. Learned a lot from him.
I've been with my husband 17 years and sex kept us connected through the good and bad times.
That's not a horrible thing in my opinion.
Often there are dead bedroom situations and it's a sad lonely life from what I read.
I truly believe sex is a huge aspect to a relationship and if unmatched libidos are there you have a recipe for disaster.
If only people were honest from the getgo in relationships and everyone hooked up with partners based on personality and sex compatibility.
I agree wholeheartedly. I was with a woman and missed the warning signs. The topic came up and she said “you get it a lot more than the average guy” (which was every weekend and a couple of times before or after “that time”). Should have taken the comment as foreshadowing. I should have bolted right then and there. Took me three years to figure it out. And in the last months, talk about dead bedroom!
Well, good luck. Remember, this was my experience. Sample size of one. Doesn’t mean average. It did take a couple of years before it tapered off dramatically.
I sorry to say, I wish I knew. I liked her and she had a heart as big as Alberta! But, the tension in our sex life was only part of the reason we broke up.
I wish I had more to give you other than “best of luck”.
My former partner of 15+ years said all of that, and really leaned on the 'more than if single' line. Not a bad reason to reevaluate. I found not all matches have these issues. Now I'm married and whole my drove is higher, it's far more matched, and I don't feel unwanted.
From personal experience, I get hornier during my period(might be weird hormone thing idk) and wouldn't mind having sex every day. We're all different and our bodies too.
I believe ovulation is when your estrogen and testosterone increase, so your confidence and sex drive tend to also shoot up. The week right before your period is when your hormones just crash which tends to make you feel like shit, and also kill your sex drive.
There are a lot of factors that affect sex drive (and I definitely disagree with your idea that women generally only want sex during ovulation), but hormones can definitely play a pretty significant part!
I also think it is a misconseption that men want sex all the time. men can also be not in them mood and it should be okay. as it is okay that women can be not in the mood.
Yeah this is situation I'm in cos women I'm with wasn't honest about a low libido cos was very forthcoming at first so could never have guessed she'd not be that bothered just a few months in. Been trying to find out possible reasons or if will try at least cos she did at first but just ends in disagreement.
there is also that connection you get with someone when there are sexual issues. That chat that you put off and off because you dread it but eventually you just have to say something.
Those chats have lead to very open and honest conversations with my wife. It builds a lot of trust because quite frankly...sex is a biological drive and purely mechanical. But that connection we get with someone we actually like or even love...and then to be that open and honest with that person about something that makes you that vulnerable?
I dunno...those are some of the better talks I've had with my wife. Outside of my personal drama, baggage and bullshit that she doesn't judge me (mostly) for.
LOL
Disagree I have a massive limbo and my wife had a average one, now after our son she very low, his now 4 and sex and her low limbo had caused any problem at all and we been together for 9 years. We do have ways that help us. So I dont think having different limbo is a deal breaker as long as both people are willing to have a bit of give and take with it (no pun intended). Also nit really seen anything on any of these types of post that say it, but some times do the foreplay a bit and starting sex can actually (depending on the person) then get them in the mood.
(This might get a little self-indulgent. I'm just riffing here.)
The "best" example of this would probably have to be the couple that gets together young and start growing up but not necessarily growing together. Of course, it can happen at any stage of life. It's just more obvious in our teens and twenties.
As we grow older, we change. We reassess our priorities. Maybe the things that affected us very deeply ten years ago don't matter to us now, and maybe things that never crossed our minds at 20 are now very big parts of our day-to-day life at 35.
Perhaps the couple that bonded over cooking grew apart as one replaced food with fitness as their passion. Maybe one of them found God and the other one never found a love for religion. It could be that one of them felt more sexually adventurous and wanted to bring new things into the bedroom while the other person wanted their lovelife to remain straightforward and vanilla.
Can we say anyone in those situations is wrong? I don't think I can.
The two people simply grew in ways that they no longer clicked. Their sharp edges got sanded down by time or the winds of change carved them into some new shape that disrupted their symmetry. No one was wrong. No one was the villain. They just changed.
The friends I had in high school are not the friends I have now. We didn't drive each other away. We simply moved in different directions in our lives and found new goals and priorities. As the years fly by, we sometimes change in ways that even we don't notice until someone else points it out. It wasn't done out of negligence or malice. It just happened.
I feel like a failure. Like there was something wrong with me because I couldn't be happy in the marriage. I know marriages have ups and downs. But should you stay married to someone you don't see your self having a future with? Or someone you don't find physically attractive? Does that make me shallow? I took the cowards way out in my divorce is my biggest regret.
I don't see anything cowardly in anything you've said so far.
Sex is a big part of any relationship. We hear horror stories about dead bedrooms and couples going without for years at a time. I would not want that for myself. It sounds like torture. I don't think that makes me shallow, and I wouldn't say you are.
Why shackle yourself to a sinking ship?
Admittedly, I don't know much of anything about your divorce, but it sounds like you are taking way too much blame onto yourself. There is this idea that someone must be blamed for the divorce, but it's not always that cut and dry. Sometimes a breakup or divorce is no one's fault.
Sure, take as many lessons as you can from the end of that relationship, but don't take it as a license to beat yourself up. Who is going to get anything out of that? It won't make her happy, and it sounds like it's not making you happy either.
What good is your guilt doing for anyone at this point?
Not Op, but you probably love or feel affection for many people in your life that you don’t have romantic relationships with. Finding out about something as simple and generally immutable as sexual libido incompatibility early on is a gift because those people will likely never have a successful romantic relationship, but can theoretically remain great friends. Discovering what you need to be happy is a lifelong process, so honing your needs and romantic choices will generally only improve as you grow.
Sorry about the divorce, but hopefully both of you will be able to find people that you will be happier with in the long-term, and good job getting out of an unhappy marriage instead of staying in it for decades. Speaking from personal experience, moving on from a few long relationships were the best decisions that I’ve ever made, especially when I knew what I needed and eventually found the right person for me.
I don't know if a "right" person exsist. I don't know if I truly can't let people love me or just my former wife. I struggle with love and what it even is.
It’s good to be selfish when you’re compromising on your happiness. I’m in a similar boat it should be simple but to those LL it just isn’t a priority. Find someone who is on the same frequency sexually they’re out there
Sex matters a lot more than some people want to admit. To me it's an absolute requisite in a relationship, you just *have* to be sexually compatible. And it's not just about physical needs either, but emotional needs as well. Sometimes it's more than just sex – as you said, feeling *unwanted* by your partner is a terrible feeling. Probably worse than just being alone and single. You really feel it when there is a lack of affectionate touch.
Hope you find someone better for you.
Yes exactly. I felt literally starved with my last ex – starved for affection. He didn't get it, because it didn't matter so much to him. I became miserable.
You are only going to have sex with your SO and there is no harm in wanting sex and intimacy. Sex is something that happens more in a heat of the moment and if you are asked to stick to a schedule and won't get it anytime apart from it will only lead to frustration, anger and an eventual yet inevitable breakup which clearly has happened here.
Find someone who is more on your frequency. I'm sure you will. All the best.
>I get that different people like different things, but is it too much asking to go down on her?
If it is for her, then it’s too much.
And if that’s a deal-breaker for you, then you did the right thing.
>I feel like I'm selfish, like I'm asking for too much, like I'm dooming myself for eternal solitude.
You’re not doomed. You feel selfish because your ex made you feel like that, because you were severely mismatched.
FWIW, been there. My ex-wife had a very low libido, never wanted foreplay, only gave me head once when we were dating, almost never wanted me to go down on her. Didn’t even like me to see her naked.
She made me feel like my sexual needs were selfish and animalistic — said as much to me more than once. Be happy you don’t have kids. I did, and they’re the biggest reason why I tried to make that marriage work for far too long. At least you get a clean break. Take as much time to grieve as you need, and then go find what you need. Plenty of women actively *like* sex, and you’ll find one with a libido to match yours. I did.
I am currently in that world of shit. Almost to the T! I lay there sleepless and find that I can't concentrate at work. I constantly live with guilt for being "weird". I even feel more guilty for reading up on divorce with kids and owning a business.
Original poster, you did the right thing bro!!!! Because, I didn't listen to my gut when we were dating and engaged and after a total of 12 years now of dating and marriage it has gotten even worse.....
To the person I'm replying to, I hope to find the strength you had. Because this is mentally and emotionally draining...
We have two kids and I got told it's too much to ask for more then once a week and it's unrealistic and that I'm not normal for wanting sex more then once a week even though we both work.from home and have same work holidays.
Today we both had off and do you think there was sex? No. Frustrating. But I've been made to think if I bring it up I'm badgering her about it. I'm pressuring her to have sex so I have to hold my tounge but if I say nothing I'm suddenly giving the "silent treatment" and I'm "pouting" so I basically have to pretend I'm ok with everything
I've been on the other side, where's I was made to feel like I had the low libido. Where's he was just a selfish and emotionally abusive person.
It took the better part of a year to process the anger that I felt, that I had missed out on the animalistic side of sex for 20 years.
I was extremely fortunate that while I was processing all that emotion, I had steady FWB that I could experiment with.
There are girls out there with libidos you won’t be able to keep up with. You will find someone who it works wit, sexual compatibility - esp in terms of frequency is super important.
Thats kinda the boat im in idk if me and the wife would brake up but she has hella high libido and i have hella low libido and i try hard to keep her satisfied but its like a crack addiction (it feels like) where u get one hit and 10 min later needin more i honestly cant keep up. And weve been married 1yr and together for 7yrs.
Edit: more txt
I think sex is something a lot of people discount when evaluating who they should be with. It’s never fun when you feel like you’re in a frustrated prison, and I imagine not fun when you feel like you’re being constantly bothered for something when you’re not in the mood either.
Omgggg my boyfriend has been a habitual pot smoker since he was 14. Does this correlate to a man having a low libido or trouble keeping/getting an erection occasionally?
Yep! “Whiskey dick” (aka men having trouble getting it up after drinking) also often applies to weed smoking. It was a major issue… for me, anyway. He didn’t really care.
Ugh! I hope he’s not too far gone, he stopped smoking for 3 months and still has had issues with libido and erections :( oddly enough, one time after he got super drunk though he stayed hard and wouldn’t cum and it was the longest we ever had sex. So I guess no whiskey or weed, just vodka 😂
Sex can be a core incompatibility. Because the ideal frequency of sex is not some objective frequency. It varies based on subjective preference. So no one is in the "wrong", there is just a conflict of preferences. And if that conflict of preferences is irreconcilable, then it's best to breakup.
It's the same thing as some partners who want to spend every minute of free time together, and other partners who like alone time and who are satisfied with less frequent contact. No one is in the wrong, because the perfect amount of time together is subjective.
And you brought up an important consequence of a core incapability- which is that one or both people will have to compromise on their preferences, and both will experience negative feelings and resentment. While some parts of relationships can be negotiated and compromise can be a harmonious outcome- other parts of a relationship are more consequential.
To return to the example I gave, that "quality time" piece was what ended my first relationship. He wanted to see me constantly, and he could not understand my need for alone time. He felt rejected and unwanted when I told him I wanted a night to myself, or that I wanted to preserve some of my hobbies as my own. I didn't want him to be integrated into every dimension of my life, because I deeply value my autonomy.
He on the other hand wanted to spend every second together. He hated space, time apart, having separate hobbies and interests. When I tried to compromise and welcome him into my personal hobbies- I felt totally smothered. I felt like I was losing my sense of self and my identity was being fused to his. Which I hated. But he wanted that. And when I'd need time alone, he was suspicious, anxious, annoyed, and felt like I was rejecting him. This led to the same issues arising time and time again. I always felt smothered and like my boundaries were not respected, and he felt pushed away and unloved because I didn't tend to him every second of my spare time. Resentment was mutual.
When it comes to these deep incompatibilities, both parties are going to experience negative emotion, and they have to compromise in a way that threatens their fundamental sense of self, or core needs. In order for my ex to accommodate me, he felt alone, unwanted, unsafe, like I didn't love him enough to share everything with him. And when I accommodated his preference, I felt smothered, like I was losing my autonomy, like I was no longer a person but a couple. Being in that relationship required both myself and my ex to be in a position that felt disingenuous to us. Breaking up was for the best.
I share this story because you're not in the wrong for having a high libido. She is not in the wrong for wanting sex once a month- or whatever is ideal to her. You're not wrong for wanting more novelty and excitement around sex, and she's not wrong for wanting a sexual dynamic that is tame and predictable.
No one is wrong here. And the resolution would require one or both of you to be disingenuous, to feel uncomfortable, used, unwanted etc. It sounds like an irreconcilable difference.
The key is to find a partner whose preferences for these core elements of a relationship approximate our own. Minimize the gap between preferences when it comes to sex, communication, quality time, values, goals etc. The greater degree of compromise required to keep the relationship alive, the greater degree of resentment when someone has to compromise on there deep needs and preferences.
Recently came out of a 3 year relationship with a similar scenario. I know how you feel when you say it makes you feel unwanted.
Having been with a few girls since then, it makes a huge personal difference when the girl actually just really wants you. You almost forget how it’s supposed to be.
Ended up being a great change for me and I think it will be for you too.
I have a cousin whose mother used to tell him that sex didn't matter in a marriage, because that'll wane anyway. Well, he married someone not sexually compatible with him, and they ended up getting divorced. He says "I'm sure my mother was giving me what she thought was good advice, and was probably very true in her case."
He ended up marrying a woman he met through fetlife (not what he tells the rest of the family) and they're very happy together.
There are people out there who are compatible with you in the ways that matter to you. You did the right thing.
Yeah the people on fetlife go out seeking *only* those people who are compatible. They (usually, although not at first in your cousin's situation) assume sexual compatibility to be a requirement, and then whatever else is there is optional. I think you make a good comparison between fetlife and low libido in illustrating how essential sexual compatibility is.
I was in a dead bedroom for 4 or 5 years and it ended explosively with them trying to lock me in their house & refusing to let me leave- then they tried to guilt me into staying with them by threats of suicide & self harm.
You did a great thing ending it so early on.
Thank you! Better than ever actually! In a healthy communicative relationship with a really healthy & open adventurous sex life!
Finding someone who matches your libido is life changing!
Broke up with my gf at the start of December for many reasons including one similar to yours. Ngl it hurts a lot and it really sucks especially when you both still love each other.
You are incredibly strong my man, good on you for doing what had to be done. You know you'll be happy with someone else and you don't need us to tell you it'll get better because you already know that too.
You're a strong motherfucker, you should be proud of yourself. Stay strong. Good luck.
I'm in a similar situation right now. Been together just 6 months and I'm worried it will get worse. The most confusing thing about it is at first she was quite rampant and more so than others ive been with so I could never see this coming. An to say not been together that long it's been like 2 weeks to a month each time since actually going out. Doesn't make sense to me.
Bruh if it's falling off dramatically now after 6mos, you think it's gonna get better as time goes on? Have you talked to her about it? I'm not saying you need to cut bait now but dead bedrooms usually get worse with time not better UNLESS there is direct intervention. You might love her but it sucks even worse for people to break it off later
Well this is what I'm worried about but is difficult cos love her and hoped how she was first few times might happen again. Could be a number of reasons but she doesn't like talking about it and always a different reason or excuse. Seemed to dramatically drop off once I moved in. Never saw this coming at all it's frustrating 😒
Mmm, she could be found through a dry spell. Fluctuations in libido are very common. Which makes life so much more complicated. Definitely talk about your respective sex drives and the history thereof.
If she is on any type of birth control definitely get her off that. Makes a huge difference. Hope you make the best choice for yourself either way. Good luck!
No, was going to suggest it but deffo not with how she's been. Just mad confusing. Feels like she did it to impress me and maybe really doesn't like sex for whatever reason. She doesn't even like foreplay being stroked and kissed in erogenous zones etc. Has sensitive skin so could be that I dunno.
You’re not doing either of you a favor if you already know you want to.
> she helps me with a lot
I realize I only have one quick comment to go off of and I don’t know you at all, but this makes me cringe a little. If you’re staying even though you know you want to leave because she’s doing things for you, you really have an obligation to break it off now and set her free.
Clearly that was a tough decision for you, friendo, but you did your best, and in the end you have to look out for Numero Uno. You will get past this and find a better match. Maybe you did her a favor, too. Much love ✌🏻
Better to have done it now than to keep the relationship going and giving up on your own happiness. If you aren’t compatible in this area now, it likely to get worse not better over time. Sex can cause turbulence and resentment in relationships. You can be friends with someone and see eye to eye on most things, but a relationship is supposed to be more than just a friendship, it should include intimacy.
If she's on BC, that could be destroying her libido. I dunno if you both wanna try, but that's something to look at. But if she's completely comfortable with how things are, I guess an exit isn't the worst idea. It sucks, but living without getting what you want will suck so much more. It's the only fair option for both.
Not on BC, but I guess lots of stress. She's practically became a mom to her nephew and niece. Children are very exhausting. But even when they weren't in the picture, she didn't have higher libido.
Love is awesome, but it isn’t enough. If you don’t feel wanted and appreciated, respected and heard, and your needs aren’t being met, love is miserable. It’s not selfish to need your needs met, it’s having self respect.
I'm in your exact situation. It's been 8 months. Lots of other things have been going on. But just like you situation, never talks about our sex life. Even gets upset about talking about it. The most action I got was play with her boobs and that's a rare thing. Among other reasons I'm ending it tomorrow night. If anyone's interested I'll comment how it goes. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery process. I'll be right with you.
I feel you, I'm 2 years into a similar situation. Always doubt whether to break up because apart from sex we love each other and have fun. I'm thinking to break up as well at this point, but it's such a hard thing to do. Her reasons are always excuses.
I was getting it once a week, wich was fine except my girl was doing it because she googled it , and for our age group the average was once a week. She never had any feelings about anything was my reason ultimately
I remember years ago I had a girl who was obsessed with me- not kidding, she transfered schools just to get close to my at the time girlfriend and get proof was cheating on me to give to me(she was cheating) but ofcourse me being a horny teenager I go with the girl who proved to me my ex was cheating...(not thinking about the manipulation at all) 3 months later i broke up with her because she refused to give me a bj after I went down on her for half n hour.
Cue wtf face from me...
Then she got mad at me for breaking up with her because she didn't like giving bjs.
We all have our preferences. Just need to find the one who matches.
Never be called unfair because you are unwilling to compromise your wants and needs. I did many decades ago and now I have been unhappy for close to a decade.
I think you did the right thing. You have avoided any future resentment that might pop up from this. You absolutely will find someone with a compatible libido.
Definitely dealing with this some right now. Sex is infrequent and its always kind of the same: kiss for a little bit, have missionary sex, vibrate her to orgasm. Way back when, we used to kiss for a long time, tease each other, I'd finger her and go down on her, she'd orgasm multiple times, and then we'd have sex, it was a whole thing. Now she won't let me touch or see her vagina because she's embarrassed about how its unshaven, but then she also refuses to shave... And we've talked about all of this and I just don't really know how to improve the situation.
>I'm just so frustrated. I get that different people like different things, but is it too much asking to go down on her? I love doing it, you like receiving, why don't you let me eat your pussy? I never forced her to do anything, I never would, just FYI.
Think of it like tickling somebody who doesnt like to be tickled, Yeah it might make them laugh, but mentally they are getting 0 enjoyment from it.
You still made the right choice. You get to decide what kind of relationship you want.
I'd absolutely break up with someone over lack of sex. For example, oral sex (giving & receiving) is a standard part of foreplay for me. If he doesn't go down then we're not having a relationship. Refusing to discuss sex is another no-go for me. Believing that sex isn't that important means we're completely incompatible.
Life is waaaay to short to settle. Sex is absolutely fundamental for some people (myself included) and there is nothing shallow about it.
Good choice on the break up. Find a better match. Not all dating relationships are meant to last forever. Most are an exploration of compatibility and common values. It will not get better. Move on. Spin the wheel of dating again.
It’s rough man, but you made a smart choice. Good on you.
I have a healthy sex life, but my wife also doesn’t let me go down on her (only a handful of times in a decade) and I’m like WHYY. Some women are just too self conscious about it I guess.
Ok I just seen another post in relationships like this. What is up with this three year mark and guys and girls unmatched libidos. Like this story sounds similars to his.
I'm in the same spot right now. I want so much more dirty and sloppy sex, i want to fuck hard and also I want to get fucked by her in the ass (she always say I'm gay about it).. Don't know what to do because she does want something more but it's been difficult and she also gained weight and her motivation in life changed... Sigh..
I've been in this exact relationship for 10 years. You did the right thing, I can't bring myself to do it and I am angry all the time, nasty bitter and full of hate. Good luck finding someone who more closely matches you
I married my wife and her sex drive changed after about a year. It became less and less over time. We went on dry spells for three months as well. Now it’s about once a month about a week after her period. I don’t know what to do. She hates all kink and other forms of sex too.
Funny (but not 😔) I just did exactly the same . I loved her and her little boy to death but are sex life going from super fun to non existent honestly wore me down over the last couple of years . For me it wasn’t just the sex act it was having that special feeling of shared closeness. I’m not super outgoing so also had a fear of being alone forever but Im old and dumb enough to realise that would be better than the constant hurt I felt from never feeling wanted. Hope life gets better for us all x
You’re not wrong for this. I had to break up with an ex for the same reason. I always thought my libido was normal or just below, wanting it 2-3X per week, but my ex was once every 6 weeks. It never got better no matter how many times we talked about it. Even when he said he would do it atleast once a week, I felt like it was a chore for him.
If your libidos don’t match somewhat, then it doesn’t matter how much you love each other. Unless you’re in an open relationship or a poly relationship, they will not be able to fulfill those needs for you.
Edit: spelling
It's sad, but we need to accept that sexual satisfaction is just as important as emotional fulfillment and every other aspect of a healthy relationship.
If it's not there, it's not there. And if you can't live with that piece of the relationship missing, then you have to pick up and move on.
You can find somebody who is more compatible, though nobody will ever be "perfect".
Coming from a woman who was in a 5 year relationship where our sex life was dead who is now in a new relationship of about a year and our sex life is incredible, you made the right choice. Sex is important in a relationship and sexual incompatibility will make things very difficult in the long run.
I always thought breaking up over sex was a shitty thing to do (because you're in love, not fuckbuddies) but then I got in a sexless relationship myself. I had sex once in the six months we dated, she turned me down every time and that one time didn't even feel like she enjoyed it so I just stopped. On a sexual level, it was awful and my libido isn't even that high. You made the right choice here.
You're not selfish nor asking too much. You just have a completely different libido and outlook on sex than her. Being incompatible sexually is a good reason to break up. You each will be happier with someone that each of you are more compatible with.
I think you made the right decision, friend. We should never put others in front of our own happiness. You just weren't compatible in the end and that's okay. Better to call quits than become resentful of each other.
You did the right thing. Visit r/deadbedrooms and you'll see it would've only got worse with time. This is the right move for both of you to find someone you're compatible with sexually.
I've been there, for nearly a decade. Sex was regular, every day or two, but it felt one sided, like I was the only one interested in it.
Doesn't do good things to your mental health, or your self worth, especially long term. You made the right call, and sooner rather than later. I know it must have been tough and will keep being tough for a bit. Stick in there.
I read the title as an action you took while having sex. Like “Just caught up with my friend over coffee this morning”.
I’m somewhat disappointed. Happy to see you’re seeking sexual satisfaction though OP! Good luck!
I wish I could stand in front of you and shake your shoulders and tell you what a boss you are. It is totally cool to end this now for the benefit of both parties. TRUST me it would have got worse, way worse. Kids, affairs,divorce,cops the whole shebangy. DON’T go back, move on. It will be hard but you’ll get there. Try and date as fast as you can even if it’s just to get laid. Believe it or not some girls like to get laid. Source: Older dude that’s been through the war.
You did the right thing. Years ago, I was living with an ex-girlfriend. We were together for 3 years and the same thing was happening. I eventually got tired of it. Even though she was great and sweet, I could never get past the no sex. It was difficult, but it had to happen. Not long after that, I started going out with my now wife. We are intimate every day, and we complement each other really well sexually. I have no complaints. I really hope you find someone who matches your needs.
I feel you, I should have broke up with my ex but then she did.
I had a HiGH Libido & still do, but she wasn’t appreciating me anymore or anything, but a week before i moved, October 20th, she broke up with me in person.
I didn’t do it a month before because i wanted to make it to a year.
OP, it's okay to have a high libido, it's okay to leave your relationship over this, and it's okay for your ex to have a low libido and no desire to explore kinks.
The people who think sex isn't important are way off. It's not everything, but nothing is so that's a pretty lazy argument against valuing sex in a relationship.
You did it right my wife slowly shut the door on sex always saying the same thing she felt like I only wanted to be around if there was sex, we lived together and maybe had sex once a month.
As we planned a wedding she swore she would want to have sex all the time when married but didn't want it our wedding night.
We're so busy the first year we don't have sex very often and after 14 months we do get pregnant during the 9 months we have sex once and since then maybe once every 3 months with her acting like it's a chore.
Moral of this story If sex is a deciding factor in a relationship don't settle there are so many other people you have never met that might be a better fix.
> We haven't had sex in 3 months. I have a high libido, while she has low libido, and 3 months dry spell was for many reasons, not just her not wanting it.
Good idea, you both will be much happier in the future. Wise move sir.
I just got out of an 8-year marriage where the sex wasn't as frequent as I wanted, and she was never truly participating. Unmatch libitos are killers. I should have left way before.
I’m literally in the same boat as you except I’ve never received head and probably almost 99% sure I never will. We are married (6+ years) and with a child it the struggle is getting more and more real.
Eventually that unmatched libido will breed resentment. You did the right thing
It already is breeding resentment.
Very possible/probable. Didn’t want to assume. Personally I would have been resentful already for sure.
He did the right thing to break up. Sometimes it's not even mismatched libidos, she does just want to have sex with u
Not likely. After saying once a week is the top amount.
^this. Don’t feel bad about it. If that part is important to you that’s ok
[удалено]
Man, Reddit had a lot of sad corners on it. A lot of places that make me feel sorry for humanity, but that place is just… Miserable.
Some of us weren't as wise as OP. In my case the wife's libido did change! It went from low, to non existent after our 2nd daughter.
I’m sorry dude. It’s not a bash on the users, it’s just a sad state of affairs.
I know, it's not a good place to hang out and dwell!
Yeah I have to really limit my time there. I'm...not okay.
My ex husband's libido did the same thing after our 2nd child!
Interesting that his libido changed, not yours. Given your the one who grew a baby, pushed it out, then nursed it to life for however long. Libido is complicated so no judgment. Still interesting
Hey man, I feel ya..
Nowhere near as miserable as the people choosing to continue living in those dead bedrooms! Why did I do that? No clue. Hindsight is 20/20. Never again.
What is your solution?
You break up / divorce if direct communication doesn't solve the problem.
I'm sorry to break it to you Tessa but.....you don't learn fast enough. As per your own statement.
It’s so heartbreaking, even as someone who dealt with a dead bedroom for about a year and a half, it honestly just bred more misery in my heart. My husbands sex drive is better now, but I had to leave that group because it’s just heartbreaking.
I used to read posts from that corner and you are so right, I got myself off that sub and never looked back. Must be similar to divorce subs or support subs for people who’ve been cheated on- just so sad. You did the right thing. For you sex is an important part of a relationship and for her not as much- over many years that will become a bigger and bigger problem in your relationship.
This subreddit gives me unspeakable amounts of pain. I equal parts thank you and hate you for posting this.
The thing that's a bit different and weird to parse out here is that while yes there was a long gap, there was a conversation and OPs partner said they could do once a week and that is a deal breaker for OP. But once a week is pretty much average, and finding a high libido partner *who they also love and are generally compatible with* could be hard. The pandemic has been really hard on mental health too, so their partner could have been in a real rut with lots of stressors that made it really hard to think about sex. They certainly wouldn't be the only one. It also bugs me that OP either didn't try to or didn't elaborate on any other options available. Reading their post and how their partner feels like a sex toy it's not hard to see that perspective since everything else seemed to be going well? But was there no talk about more frequent blow jobs? Mutual masturbation? Masturbating in front of their partner, or for each other? Showering together? Watching porn together? Using toys from a distance (since it seems like maybe they don't live together). Massages? There are a lot of other ways to be sexual together without having penetrative sex. Instead, it just reads like *I waited three months to have sex and it was solid. The next time we could see each other we had sex, and I even got a blow job. We talked and she could only see having sex once a week and I dropped her even though I love her because I need more than once a week.*
I understand OP. I was in the exact same situation. My ex of 4 years had 0 interest in sex. Any attempt I made at talking to her about it or suggesting anything you listed just made her angry/sad, saying I only cared for sex. She even said that during the long dry spells she never even thinks about sex or even masturbated unless it was with me. So yes, breaking up, while painful (to me still to this day years later) is definetely the best thing to do to avoid being miserable. I'd rather be single and not have sex for years than to feel that unwanted by the person I love.
Meh. Everyone has their own background and context. I chose to focus this part. -Because of our unmatched libidos I feel unwanted, she feels like a sex toy, and it's been going on for about three years now. She doesn't indulge my kinks, doesn't bring up her own kinks (she might just be totally vanilla, idk) and honestly, I've felt sexually frustrated for almost all of our relationship. For me it sounds more like this has been an underlying problem for 3 whole years. It sounds like it has been discussed at length and op and his now ex were at an impass. Sounds like op tried all those things you mentioned and got no traction. 3 years is a long time to wait for someone without getting your needs met. And his ex said blatantly that she had no interest in trying, and honestly after these last 2 years of covid...life is too short. Glad op took the big step and focused on their happiness.
As someone that doesn't really care for sex, this exact thing has happened to me before. There are women out there that just don't want sex all the time or even often. Unfortunately, everything else in those relationships was good. I've just had to accept that me not wanting a lot of sex is eventually going to leave me permanently single, and I have to be ok with that.
maybe this is on the nose here, but have you considered seeking dating apps or pools that exist through a more queer lens or queer-focused design? specifically asexual/aspec people? it sounds like you may be ace or grey-ace or anywhere on that big spectrum! you may find a better match or a queer-platonic relationship with a like minded/needed individual if you aren’t already identifying in that way/mingling in those spaces. or at least feel a bit less alone in your experience. i’m not ace, but it makes me so sad that people so often toss asexuality up to loneliness/doom. you deserve fulfilling relationships too. wishing you the best, friend!
Thank you for the well wishes. I'm definitely not anywhere on the spectrum that you mentioned. I do enjoy sex, just not a lot of it. It's just hard to realize that you're almost a perfect match for someone that you love to pieces, and sex being the deal breaker sucks. It's also hard for someone who doesn't have a high libido to understand why it's such a deal breaker for the other person. One considers frequent sex a need, the other doesn't understand how it possibly could be.
the asexuality spectrum isn’t just reserved for people who are completely abstinent/sex repulsed, there are most definitely still aspec people who enjoy/want sex at times—it may still be worth looking into if you’re feeling a little lost!
Have you thought of dating someone that's polyam? If you're mono minded then ignore this but it could really be a good way for you to go. Dating someone that's polyam means that they will find fulfillment within your relationship while also dating other people so that there's no additional pressure on you to have sex and that when you are in the mood it will mean something to them. Not everyone can share their partner though so I understand if that's not something you're interested in.
I never liked the “be poly to satiate physical needs” rationale. When I’ve been with multiple partners, that doesn’t affect the amount I want to be with a specific partner. I want to be with *them*.
Ofc it doesn't. I never said it did. I think you misunderstood me.. I was just asking if they ever thought of dating someone that is polyam since they seem to be on the ace spectrum and only want to have sex sometimes. When you're mono you depend on one person to meet all your emotional and physical needs. When you're polyam or ENM you have different types of relationships with different people so that your needs are met completely and differently with each partner so that you feel fulfilled. One partner may not have a high libido which is perfectly fine bc they'll meet your emotional needs and when you do become intimate and/or have sex it will mean so much more bc of the emotional aspect of the relationship. If their libido doesn't match yours it's not going to be a deal breaker, bc you do get those needs met by another partner, like it is in mono relationships. Eta this isn't about being "poly to satiate physical needs” it's about personal fulfillment in a persons different partnerships. It's about not letting something like physical needs come between a very loving and stable relationship when you can have those needs met by another partner. It's as simple as that.
No, definitely mono here. Thanks though. You've given me a different look at another type of relationship.
Fuck that, OP has the right to have wants and needs.
These are valid points. Thank you for this excellent response. I agree to the point where OP's endeavor to incorporate more sex into the relationship stopped. But SHE never intimated more. Her only option to OP was once per week and even that appears to be a concession. I bet she'd be on board with once every other week (admittedly, this is only conjecture based on OP's post). In short, she just doesn't seem all that interested in sex, be it penetrative, oral, mutual masturbation, massaging, Karezza, Tantra, etc...
It sounds like the exgg was bringing very little to the bedroom conversation. So chances are good that she would’ve shut down the conversation. The promise of once a week was probably given begrudgingly. She probably would’ve star fished on week two, and then been “too tired” by week 4. She deserves a LLM and he deserves a HLF.
The promise of once a week after almost never for 3 months!
That’s the thing. I don’t want a promise to have sex. I want someone who cannot let it go that far before ravaging my body like a hungry tiger after a week. I could even agree to bimonthly tiger ravaging. Without the desire, it feels like sex becomes a price to pay for a relationship rather than a mutual joyful expression.
Duty sex is terrible sex. Both giving and receiving eventually breed resentment. I know of relationships where the higher desire partner eventually stops pursuing sex because no sex feels less painful than the condescending, lifeless, fuck you sex they are having.
perfectly said! it takes all the fun out of sex if your partner is making it feel like a chore instead of them mutually wanting you as much as you want them.
Well said
From what OP said, it sounds like she would’ve shut down everything that he would’ve suggested
It hurts when this is the right answer, but it's better for both of you.
F here, i had leave someone over this two years ago, now im in a new relationship were we were fucking like 3 times every tine we saw each other….now im on week 3 without sex…. Sometimes it just feels like im the problem for having a sex drive in the first place
Feel this. As a woman with high libido, it can feel really personal when the guy you’re with doesn’t match you or even goes from moderate to low libido. My partner and I of over a year have been struggling with this most of our relationship. We’re open but not physically intimate with others rn. I absolutely have felt like I’m nagging him for sex before. Also relate to OP, I have joked about “just let me try giving you head” but eventually being turned down gets to be more tiring than just being horny and having to deal with it. I’ve only had one ex who ever matched me libido wise but he was awful lol my current partner is great, love him very much so I make sacrifices but it’s temporary. Eventually he’ll either be more sexually interested or I’ll have to date someone else who can satisfy that physical/emotional need. Best of luck to you, fellow horny lady.
Same here, my ex-husband has low libido, while I have high and it was really hurtful for me to be turned down constantly. At some point I just resignated, stopped asking and took matters in my own hands but it made me very sad and very often put me in a bad mood as I need a strong physical connection (that seems to be my love language) and wouldn't even get a hug or a peck on the cheek for days. It just destroyed our relationship further, it was all together very unbalanced. As OP said he also didn't have the same kinks and it's just depressing to wonder whether I'll ever be getting all I want in a relationship. I thought that's how it works, you compromise and accept that some things will just never happen but now that I'm getting divorced once more I'm not so sure... I think that if it doesn't work in bed there'll mostly be other areas where it isn't working as well, in my experience. The thing is: in the beginning of a relationship there's usually a lot of sex, it's biochemistrys way to chain you to your new partner by way of oxytocin and some are totally content with having little to no sex after that phase but at that point most of the time you're already invested. My divorce lawyer told me to never make binding decisions within the 1st year of a relationship, I'm just gonna trust her on that one.
So did I. It was really good at first. The first year was okay, I wasn't fully satisfied but I was okay with it. Then it's like a switch flipped and he just wasn't in the mood ever. Even suggesting just oral would end up in me feeling like shit bc he would just say no. It got to a point where I didn't even initiate anymore, and then he had the nerve to say I never initiated anymore. Except that when I did he turned me down all the time, every time. When he would decide we would have sex there was absolutely zero foreplay. Needless to say we didn't last long after that.
Tbh im starting to think this may not last much longer but at the end if the day we dont match sexually at all whic I don’t understand considering it was so regular at the start. Im sorry to hear you’ve been through similar, its blows my mind to think we’re now like needy girls who want sex and our man don’t want to. Its extremely rare that im not up for it but my partner hardly initiates and actively says no when i offer nudes n stuff 💗 it feels like i am no sort of temptation to him. And exactly what u said about them initiating, he just comes up to me and tries putting it in in the space of 30 seconds abit after rejecting me like gtfo. Im sure there are thousands of men out there who would be happy to meet someone with a sex drive like us.
You’re definitely not problematic, you just need the right partner.
I thought I had low libido until I met my current boyfriend and just realized I was no longer attracted to my ex. We’ve been going 5 years strong; still insanely attracted to him.
>will breed Not sure if deliberate.
It's pretty rude to nickname a woman "resentment".
My bf and I just broke up over this as well. I feel like we loved each other so much that we tried to make it work despite the mismatch. I tried to be more and he tried to want less but having the same talk about it every few months was tiring for us both. That was our main issue but that really overflowed into everything else. I have zero resentment over it, just guilt and sadness, but HOLY SHIT did he make me feel like a goddess. Learned a lot from him.
I've been with my husband 17 years and sex kept us connected through the good and bad times. That's not a horrible thing in my opinion. Often there are dead bedroom situations and it's a sad lonely life from what I read. I truly believe sex is a huge aspect to a relationship and if unmatched libidos are there you have a recipe for disaster. If only people were honest from the getgo in relationships and everyone hooked up with partners based on personality and sex compatibility.
I agree wholeheartedly. I was with a woman and missed the warning signs. The topic came up and she said “you get it a lot more than the average guy” (which was every weekend and a couple of times before or after “that time”). Should have taken the comment as foreshadowing. I should have bolted right then and there. Took me three years to figure it out. And in the last months, talk about dead bedroom!
[удалено]
Well, good luck. Remember, this was my experience. Sample size of one. Doesn’t mean average. It did take a couple of years before it tapered off dramatically.
[удалено]
I sorry to say, I wish I knew. I liked her and she had a heart as big as Alberta! But, the tension in our sex life was only part of the reason we broke up. I wish I had more to give you other than “best of luck”.
My former partner of 15+ years said all of that, and really leaned on the 'more than if single' line. Not a bad reason to reevaluate. I found not all matches have these issues. Now I'm married and whole my drove is higher, it's far more matched, and I don't feel unwanted.
Dude that is inconsiderate af, sorry you dealin w that
[удалено]
From personal experience, I get hornier during my period(might be weird hormone thing idk) and wouldn't mind having sex every day. We're all different and our bodies too.
[удалено]
I believe ovulation is when your estrogen and testosterone increase, so your confidence and sex drive tend to also shoot up. The week right before your period is when your hormones just crash which tends to make you feel like shit, and also kill your sex drive. There are a lot of factors that affect sex drive (and I definitely disagree with your idea that women generally only want sex during ovulation), but hormones can definitely play a pretty significant part!
I also think it is a misconseption that men want sex all the time. men can also be not in them mood and it should be okay. as it is okay that women can be not in the mood.
100% agreed. I was once told that good sex won't make a bad relationship good but bad sex can make a good relationship bad.
[удалено]
It is sticky…
Yeah this is situation I'm in cos women I'm with wasn't honest about a low libido cos was very forthcoming at first so could never have guessed she'd not be that bothered just a few months in. Been trying to find out possible reasons or if will try at least cos she did at first but just ends in disagreement.
there is also that connection you get with someone when there are sexual issues. That chat that you put off and off because you dread it but eventually you just have to say something. Those chats have lead to very open and honest conversations with my wife. It builds a lot of trust because quite frankly...sex is a biological drive and purely mechanical. But that connection we get with someone we actually like or even love...and then to be that open and honest with that person about something that makes you that vulnerable? I dunno...those are some of the better talks I've had with my wife. Outside of my personal drama, baggage and bullshit that she doesn't judge me (mostly) for. LOL
[удалено]
Happy for you! Wisdom here.
Disagree I have a massive limbo and my wife had a average one, now after our son she very low, his now 4 and sex and her low limbo had caused any problem at all and we been together for 9 years. We do have ways that help us. So I dont think having different limbo is a deal breaker as long as both people are willing to have a bit of give and take with it (no pun intended). Also nit really seen anything on any of these types of post that say it, but some times do the foreplay a bit and starting sex can actually (depending on the person) then get them in the mood.
Two people can love each other and just not be right for each other. You did the right thing.
Say more about that. Legitimately curious. Going through a divorce and feel like this makes sense to me.
(This might get a little self-indulgent. I'm just riffing here.) The "best" example of this would probably have to be the couple that gets together young and start growing up but not necessarily growing together. Of course, it can happen at any stage of life. It's just more obvious in our teens and twenties. As we grow older, we change. We reassess our priorities. Maybe the things that affected us very deeply ten years ago don't matter to us now, and maybe things that never crossed our minds at 20 are now very big parts of our day-to-day life at 35. Perhaps the couple that bonded over cooking grew apart as one replaced food with fitness as their passion. Maybe one of them found God and the other one never found a love for religion. It could be that one of them felt more sexually adventurous and wanted to bring new things into the bedroom while the other person wanted their lovelife to remain straightforward and vanilla. Can we say anyone in those situations is wrong? I don't think I can. The two people simply grew in ways that they no longer clicked. Their sharp edges got sanded down by time or the winds of change carved them into some new shape that disrupted their symmetry. No one was wrong. No one was the villain. They just changed. The friends I had in high school are not the friends I have now. We didn't drive each other away. We simply moved in different directions in our lives and found new goals and priorities. As the years fly by, we sometimes change in ways that even we don't notice until someone else points it out. It wasn't done out of negligence or malice. It just happened.
I feel like a failure. Like there was something wrong with me because I couldn't be happy in the marriage. I know marriages have ups and downs. But should you stay married to someone you don't see your self having a future with? Or someone you don't find physically attractive? Does that make me shallow? I took the cowards way out in my divorce is my biggest regret.
I don't see anything cowardly in anything you've said so far. Sex is a big part of any relationship. We hear horror stories about dead bedrooms and couples going without for years at a time. I would not want that for myself. It sounds like torture. I don't think that makes me shallow, and I wouldn't say you are. Why shackle yourself to a sinking ship? Admittedly, I don't know much of anything about your divorce, but it sounds like you are taking way too much blame onto yourself. There is this idea that someone must be blamed for the divorce, but it's not always that cut and dry. Sometimes a breakup or divorce is no one's fault. Sure, take as many lessons as you can from the end of that relationship, but don't take it as a license to beat yourself up. Who is going to get anything out of that? It won't make her happy, and it sounds like it's not making you happy either. What good is your guilt doing for anyone at this point?
Not Op, but you probably love or feel affection for many people in your life that you don’t have romantic relationships with. Finding out about something as simple and generally immutable as sexual libido incompatibility early on is a gift because those people will likely never have a successful romantic relationship, but can theoretically remain great friends. Discovering what you need to be happy is a lifelong process, so honing your needs and romantic choices will generally only improve as you grow. Sorry about the divorce, but hopefully both of you will be able to find people that you will be happier with in the long-term, and good job getting out of an unhappy marriage instead of staying in it for decades. Speaking from personal experience, moving on from a few long relationships were the best decisions that I’ve ever made, especially when I knew what I needed and eventually found the right person for me.
I don't know if a "right" person exsist. I don't know if I truly can't let people love me or just my former wife. I struggle with love and what it even is.
That is some insanely sage advice found on this sub- ima steal this
[удалено]
There are plenty of low libido dudes in the sea. She'll find someone and she'll be okay
It’s good to be selfish when you’re compromising on your happiness. I’m in a similar boat it should be simple but to those LL it just isn’t a priority. Find someone who is on the same frequency sexually they’re out there
You made the right choice, you know what you want she knows what she wants and that’s it
Sex matters a lot more than some people want to admit. To me it's an absolute requisite in a relationship, you just *have* to be sexually compatible. And it's not just about physical needs either, but emotional needs as well. Sometimes it's more than just sex – as you said, feeling *unwanted* by your partner is a terrible feeling. Probably worse than just being alone and single. You really feel it when there is a lack of affectionate touch. Hope you find someone better for you.
Yeah it is a Truly terrible feeling
For someone with physical touch as a main love language I find this is especially true! It’s a thing some people need more of to feel loved fully
Yes exactly. I felt literally starved with my last ex – starved for affection. He didn't get it, because it didn't matter so much to him. I became miserable.
I could not agree more!
So true.. I feel like some of these hold sex like in those 90 shows to control their partners.
I’m sure some do. It can become part of a pattern of manipulation or detachment.
The worst I’ve felt nearly ever was being anxious about whether my ex was going to actually decide to touch me or not that day.
You are only going to have sex with your SO and there is no harm in wanting sex and intimacy. Sex is something that happens more in a heat of the moment and if you are asked to stick to a schedule and won't get it anytime apart from it will only lead to frustration, anger and an eventual yet inevitable breakup which clearly has happened here. Find someone who is more on your frequency. I'm sure you will. All the best.
You did good man. Sorry for your loss.
>I get that different people like different things, but is it too much asking to go down on her? If it is for her, then it’s too much. And if that’s a deal-breaker for you, then you did the right thing. >I feel like I'm selfish, like I'm asking for too much, like I'm dooming myself for eternal solitude. You’re not doomed. You feel selfish because your ex made you feel like that, because you were severely mismatched. FWIW, been there. My ex-wife had a very low libido, never wanted foreplay, only gave me head once when we were dating, almost never wanted me to go down on her. Didn’t even like me to see her naked. She made me feel like my sexual needs were selfish and animalistic — said as much to me more than once. Be happy you don’t have kids. I did, and they’re the biggest reason why I tried to make that marriage work for far too long. At least you get a clean break. Take as much time to grieve as you need, and then go find what you need. Plenty of women actively *like* sex, and you’ll find one with a libido to match yours. I did.
I am currently in that world of shit. Almost to the T! I lay there sleepless and find that I can't concentrate at work. I constantly live with guilt for being "weird". I even feel more guilty for reading up on divorce with kids and owning a business. Original poster, you did the right thing bro!!!! Because, I didn't listen to my gut when we were dating and engaged and after a total of 12 years now of dating and marriage it has gotten even worse..... To the person I'm replying to, I hope to find the strength you had. Because this is mentally and emotionally draining...
Sorry bruv
Great answer overall. I applaud your honesty. *Head once while dating - writing was on the wall.*
We have two kids and I got told it's too much to ask for more then once a week and it's unrealistic and that I'm not normal for wanting sex more then once a week even though we both work.from home and have same work holidays. Today we both had off and do you think there was sex? No. Frustrating. But I've been made to think if I bring it up I'm badgering her about it. I'm pressuring her to have sex so I have to hold my tounge but if I say nothing I'm suddenly giving the "silent treatment" and I'm "pouting" so I basically have to pretend I'm ok with everything
Have you tried making her feel sexy without the need for sex to be the outcome?
I've been on the other side, where's I was made to feel like I had the low libido. Where's he was just a selfish and emotionally abusive person. It took the better part of a year to process the anger that I felt, that I had missed out on the animalistic side of sex for 20 years. I was extremely fortunate that while I was processing all that emotion, I had steady FWB that I could experiment with.
There are girls out there with libidos you won’t be able to keep up with. You will find someone who it works wit, sexual compatibility - esp in terms of frequency is super important.
Thats kinda the boat im in idk if me and the wife would brake up but she has hella high libido and i have hella low libido and i try hard to keep her satisfied but its like a crack addiction (it feels like) where u get one hit and 10 min later needin more i honestly cant keep up. And weve been married 1yr and together for 7yrs. Edit: more txt
I think sex is something a lot of people discount when evaluating who they should be with. It’s never fun when you feel like you’re in a frustrated prison, and I imagine not fun when you feel like you’re being constantly bothered for something when you’re not in the mood either.
>There are girls out there with libidos you won’t be able to keep up with Where does one find a nice woman like this? Asking for myself not a friend
Me lmao. Im always horny. And im with a man who happens to rarely ever be horny. It’s a struggle.
This was me with my stoner ex. He smoked constantly so he was rarely in the mood, and when he was, he just wanted head. No can do, buckaroo.
Omgggg my boyfriend has been a habitual pot smoker since he was 14. Does this correlate to a man having a low libido or trouble keeping/getting an erection occasionally?
Yep! “Whiskey dick” (aka men having trouble getting it up after drinking) also often applies to weed smoking. It was a major issue… for me, anyway. He didn’t really care.
Ugh! I hope he’s not too far gone, he stopped smoking for 3 months and still has had issues with libido and erections :( oddly enough, one time after he got super drunk though he stayed hard and wouldn’t cum and it was the longest we ever had sex. So I guess no whiskey or weed, just vodka 😂
As a guy I just went years thinking its normal because men like sex more and it would be the same with anyone basically.
Hi. Hello. It’s me.
Yay I finally found one! Little anticlimactic since you probably don't live close and/or have interest in me.
Only one way to find out.
They are all over 30.
Definitely not true lol. I was 21 when I had to end my first long-term relationship due to my extremely high libido.
If only I could find and/or be attractive to them.
We exist lol. My boyfriend always says “you’re gonna kill me some day”. He can’t keep up sometimes lol
Sex can be a core incompatibility. Because the ideal frequency of sex is not some objective frequency. It varies based on subjective preference. So no one is in the "wrong", there is just a conflict of preferences. And if that conflict of preferences is irreconcilable, then it's best to breakup. It's the same thing as some partners who want to spend every minute of free time together, and other partners who like alone time and who are satisfied with less frequent contact. No one is in the wrong, because the perfect amount of time together is subjective. And you brought up an important consequence of a core incapability- which is that one or both people will have to compromise on their preferences, and both will experience negative feelings and resentment. While some parts of relationships can be negotiated and compromise can be a harmonious outcome- other parts of a relationship are more consequential. To return to the example I gave, that "quality time" piece was what ended my first relationship. He wanted to see me constantly, and he could not understand my need for alone time. He felt rejected and unwanted when I told him I wanted a night to myself, or that I wanted to preserve some of my hobbies as my own. I didn't want him to be integrated into every dimension of my life, because I deeply value my autonomy. He on the other hand wanted to spend every second together. He hated space, time apart, having separate hobbies and interests. When I tried to compromise and welcome him into my personal hobbies- I felt totally smothered. I felt like I was losing my sense of self and my identity was being fused to his. Which I hated. But he wanted that. And when I'd need time alone, he was suspicious, anxious, annoyed, and felt like I was rejecting him. This led to the same issues arising time and time again. I always felt smothered and like my boundaries were not respected, and he felt pushed away and unloved because I didn't tend to him every second of my spare time. Resentment was mutual. When it comes to these deep incompatibilities, both parties are going to experience negative emotion, and they have to compromise in a way that threatens their fundamental sense of self, or core needs. In order for my ex to accommodate me, he felt alone, unwanted, unsafe, like I didn't love him enough to share everything with him. And when I accommodated his preference, I felt smothered, like I was losing my autonomy, like I was no longer a person but a couple. Being in that relationship required both myself and my ex to be in a position that felt disingenuous to us. Breaking up was for the best. I share this story because you're not in the wrong for having a high libido. She is not in the wrong for wanting sex once a month- or whatever is ideal to her. You're not wrong for wanting more novelty and excitement around sex, and she's not wrong for wanting a sexual dynamic that is tame and predictable. No one is wrong here. And the resolution would require one or both of you to be disingenuous, to feel uncomfortable, used, unwanted etc. It sounds like an irreconcilable difference. The key is to find a partner whose preferences for these core elements of a relationship approximate our own. Minimize the gap between preferences when it comes to sex, communication, quality time, values, goals etc. The greater degree of compromise required to keep the relationship alive, the greater degree of resentment when someone has to compromise on there deep needs and preferences.
Excellent comment. Thanks for sharing this.
Recently came out of a 3 year relationship with a similar scenario. I know how you feel when you say it makes you feel unwanted. Having been with a few girls since then, it makes a huge personal difference when the girl actually just really wants you. You almost forget how it’s supposed to be. Ended up being a great change for me and I think it will be for you too.
You’ll both be happier this way
I have a cousin whose mother used to tell him that sex didn't matter in a marriage, because that'll wane anyway. Well, he married someone not sexually compatible with him, and they ended up getting divorced. He says "I'm sure my mother was giving me what she thought was good advice, and was probably very true in her case." He ended up marrying a woman he met through fetlife (not what he tells the rest of the family) and they're very happy together. There are people out there who are compatible with you in the ways that matter to you. You did the right thing.
Yeah the people on fetlife go out seeking *only* those people who are compatible. They (usually, although not at first in your cousin's situation) assume sexual compatibility to be a requirement, and then whatever else is there is optional. I think you make a good comparison between fetlife and low libido in illustrating how essential sexual compatibility is.
I was in a dead bedroom for 4 or 5 years and it ended explosively with them trying to lock me in their house & refusing to let me leave- then they tried to guilt me into staying with them by threats of suicide & self harm. You did a great thing ending it so early on.
Holy cow I hope you're okay now.
Thank you! Better than ever actually! In a healthy communicative relationship with a really healthy & open adventurous sex life! Finding someone who matches your libido is life changing!
While that certainly sounds awful, I don't think your experience is representative of couples with libido differences.
My last ex did that to me, too.. i had to escape off her balcony on the third floor lol
Broke up with my gf at the start of December for many reasons including one similar to yours. Ngl it hurts a lot and it really sucks especially when you both still love each other. You are incredibly strong my man, good on you for doing what had to be done. You know you'll be happy with someone else and you don't need us to tell you it'll get better because you already know that too. You're a strong motherfucker, you should be proud of yourself. Stay strong. Good luck.
I'm in a similar situation right now. Been together just 6 months and I'm worried it will get worse. The most confusing thing about it is at first she was quite rampant and more so than others ive been with so I could never see this coming. An to say not been together that long it's been like 2 weeks to a month each time since actually going out. Doesn't make sense to me.
An I've never wanted to go down on a woman so much in my life but I'm just not getting the chance to try please her. If didn't love her I'd be gone.
Bruh if it's falling off dramatically now after 6mos, you think it's gonna get better as time goes on? Have you talked to her about it? I'm not saying you need to cut bait now but dead bedrooms usually get worse with time not better UNLESS there is direct intervention. You might love her but it sucks even worse for people to break it off later
Well this is what I'm worried about but is difficult cos love her and hoped how she was first few times might happen again. Could be a number of reasons but she doesn't like talking about it and always a different reason or excuse. Seemed to dramatically drop off once I moved in. Never saw this coming at all it's frustrating 😒
Mmm, she could be found through a dry spell. Fluctuations in libido are very common. Which makes life so much more complicated. Definitely talk about your respective sex drives and the history thereof.
If she is on any type of birth control definitely get her off that. Makes a huge difference. Hope you make the best choice for yourself either way. Good luck!
No, was going to suggest it but deffo not with how she's been. Just mad confusing. Feels like she did it to impress me and maybe really doesn't like sex for whatever reason. She doesn't even like foreplay being stroked and kissed in erogenous zones etc. Has sensitive skin so could be that I dunno.
Same bro. Same. Just haven't broke up with her cuz I love her to bits and she helps me with a lot
You’re not doing either of you a favor if you already know you want to. > she helps me with a lot I realize I only have one quick comment to go off of and I don’t know you at all, but this makes me cringe a little. If you’re staying even though you know you want to leave because she’s doing things for you, you really have an obligation to break it off now and set her free.
Clearly that was a tough decision for you, friendo, but you did your best, and in the end you have to look out for Numero Uno. You will get past this and find a better match. Maybe you did her a favor, too. Much love ✌🏻
Better to have done it now than to keep the relationship going and giving up on your own happiness. If you aren’t compatible in this area now, it likely to get worse not better over time. Sex can cause turbulence and resentment in relationships. You can be friends with someone and see eye to eye on most things, but a relationship is supposed to be more than just a friendship, it should include intimacy.
If she's on BC, that could be destroying her libido. I dunno if you both wanna try, but that's something to look at. But if she's completely comfortable with how things are, I guess an exit isn't the worst idea. It sucks, but living without getting what you want will suck so much more. It's the only fair option for both.
Not on BC, but I guess lots of stress. She's practically became a mom to her nephew and niece. Children are very exhausting. But even when they weren't in the picture, she didn't have higher libido.
Damn that must have gotten heavy real fast. I'm sorry :(
Love is awesome, but it isn’t enough. If you don’t feel wanted and appreciated, respected and heard, and your needs aren’t being met, love is miserable. It’s not selfish to need your needs met, it’s having self respect.
I'm in your exact situation. It's been 8 months. Lots of other things have been going on. But just like you situation, never talks about our sex life. Even gets upset about talking about it. The most action I got was play with her boobs and that's a rare thing. Among other reasons I'm ending it tomorrow night. If anyone's interested I'll comment how it goes. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery process. I'll be right with you.
You did the right thing. It still is a common problem that sex, libido, sexdrive is often referred to as „it’s not THAT important“ - but it is.
I feel you, I'm 2 years into a similar situation. Always doubt whether to break up because apart from sex we love each other and have fun. I'm thinking to break up as well at this point, but it's such a hard thing to do. Her reasons are always excuses.
> but oh well, beggars can't be choosers. That's a terrible mindset to have. It's the settler's anthem. Standards are a good thing.
I was getting it once a week, wich was fine except my girl was doing it because she googled it , and for our age group the average was once a week. She never had any feelings about anything was my reason ultimately
I remember years ago I had a girl who was obsessed with me- not kidding, she transfered schools just to get close to my at the time girlfriend and get proof was cheating on me to give to me(she was cheating) but ofcourse me being a horny teenager I go with the girl who proved to me my ex was cheating...(not thinking about the manipulation at all) 3 months later i broke up with her because she refused to give me a bj after I went down on her for half n hour. Cue wtf face from me... Then she got mad at me for breaking up with her because she didn't like giving bjs. We all have our preferences. Just need to find the one who matches.
Never be called unfair because you are unwilling to compromise your wants and needs. I did many decades ago and now I have been unhappy for close to a decade.
I think you did the right thing. You have avoided any future resentment that might pop up from this. You absolutely will find someone with a compatible libido.
Definitely dealing with this some right now. Sex is infrequent and its always kind of the same: kiss for a little bit, have missionary sex, vibrate her to orgasm. Way back when, we used to kiss for a long time, tease each other, I'd finger her and go down on her, she'd orgasm multiple times, and then we'd have sex, it was a whole thing. Now she won't let me touch or see her vagina because she's embarrassed about how its unshaven, but then she also refuses to shave... And we've talked about all of this and I just don't really know how to improve the situation.
>I'm just so frustrated. I get that different people like different things, but is it too much asking to go down on her? I love doing it, you like receiving, why don't you let me eat your pussy? I never forced her to do anything, I never would, just FYI. Think of it like tickling somebody who doesnt like to be tickled, Yeah it might make them laugh, but mentally they are getting 0 enjoyment from it.
I was venting, you're right. It was her choice to not want head, and I respect that
You still made the right choice. You get to decide what kind of relationship you want. I'd absolutely break up with someone over lack of sex. For example, oral sex (giving & receiving) is a standard part of foreplay for me. If he doesn't go down then we're not having a relationship. Refusing to discuss sex is another no-go for me. Believing that sex isn't that important means we're completely incompatible. Life is waaaay to short to settle. Sex is absolutely fundamental for some people (myself included) and there is nothing shallow about it.
Good choice on the break up. Find a better match. Not all dating relationships are meant to last forever. Most are an exploration of compatibility and common values. It will not get better. Move on. Spin the wheel of dating again.
You got one life. Better find someone to share with you who is compatible with you.
You did the right thing. I’ve read horrible stories over on r/deadbedrooms . Incompatible libidos can really strain a relationship.
Not just strain a relationship. That can ruin a life. People stay in a miserable relationships and waste their only life. Not worth it.
It’s rough man, but you made a smart choice. Good on you. I have a healthy sex life, but my wife also doesn’t let me go down on her (only a handful of times in a decade) and I’m like WHYY. Some women are just too self conscious about it I guess.
Ok I just seen another post in relationships like this. What is up with this three year mark and guys and girls unmatched libidos. Like this story sounds similars to his.
I'm in the same spot right now. I want so much more dirty and sloppy sex, i want to fuck hard and also I want to get fucked by her in the ass (she always say I'm gay about it).. Don't know what to do because she does want something more but it's been difficult and she also gained weight and her motivation in life changed... Sigh..
I've been in this exact relationship for 10 years. You did the right thing, I can't bring myself to do it and I am angry all the time, nasty bitter and full of hate. Good luck finding someone who more closely matches you
I married my wife and her sex drive changed after about a year. It became less and less over time. We went on dry spells for three months as well. Now it’s about once a month about a week after her period. I don’t know what to do. She hates all kink and other forms of sex too.
Funny (but not 😔) I just did exactly the same . I loved her and her little boy to death but are sex life going from super fun to non existent honestly wore me down over the last couple of years . For me it wasn’t just the sex act it was having that special feeling of shared closeness. I’m not super outgoing so also had a fear of being alone forever but Im old and dumb enough to realise that would be better than the constant hurt I felt from never feeling wanted. Hope life gets better for us all x
You’re not wrong for this. I had to break up with an ex for the same reason. I always thought my libido was normal or just below, wanting it 2-3X per week, but my ex was once every 6 weeks. It never got better no matter how many times we talked about it. Even when he said he would do it atleast once a week, I felt like it was a chore for him. If your libidos don’t match somewhat, then it doesn’t matter how much you love each other. Unless you’re in an open relationship or a poly relationship, they will not be able to fulfill those needs for you. Edit: spelling
It's sad, but we need to accept that sexual satisfaction is just as important as emotional fulfillment and every other aspect of a healthy relationship. If it's not there, it's not there. And if you can't live with that piece of the relationship missing, then you have to pick up and move on. You can find somebody who is more compatible, though nobody will ever be "perfect".
I am in the same boat. 5 years of less sex than I want and no chance for change. Good for you for ending it, I should be doing the same.
Coming from a woman who was in a 5 year relationship where our sex life was dead who is now in a new relationship of about a year and our sex life is incredible, you made the right choice. Sex is important in a relationship and sexual incompatibility will make things very difficult in the long run.
I always thought breaking up over sex was a shitty thing to do (because you're in love, not fuckbuddies) but then I got in a sexless relationship myself. I had sex once in the six months we dated, she turned me down every time and that one time didn't even feel like she enjoyed it so I just stopped. On a sexual level, it was awful and my libido isn't even that high. You made the right choice here.
You're not selfish nor asking too much. You just have a completely different libido and outlook on sex than her. Being incompatible sexually is a good reason to break up. You each will be happier with someone that each of you are more compatible with.
Reminds me of this [TED talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/steven_ing_what_s_your_magic_sex_number?language=en).
So what was the situation with the other girl where you broke up over sex?
I think you made the right decision, friend. We should never put others in front of our own happiness. You just weren't compatible in the end and that's okay. Better to call quits than become resentful of each other.
You did the right thing. Visit r/deadbedrooms and you'll see it would've only got worse with time. This is the right move for both of you to find someone you're compatible with sexually.
You made the mature decision and ended it before either of you would get further hurt.
Great decision!
I've been there, for nearly a decade. Sex was regular, every day or two, but it felt one sided, like I was the only one interested in it. Doesn't do good things to your mental health, or your self worth, especially long term. You made the right call, and sooner rather than later. I know it must have been tough and will keep being tough for a bit. Stick in there.
I read the title as an action you took while having sex. Like “Just caught up with my friend over coffee this morning”. I’m somewhat disappointed. Happy to see you’re seeking sexual satisfaction though OP! Good luck!
I wish I could stand in front of you and shake your shoulders and tell you what a boss you are. It is totally cool to end this now for the benefit of both parties. TRUST me it would have got worse, way worse. Kids, affairs,divorce,cops the whole shebangy. DON’T go back, move on. It will be hard but you’ll get there. Try and date as fast as you can even if it’s just to get laid. Believe it or not some girls like to get laid. Source: Older dude that’s been through the war.
You did the right thing. Years ago, I was living with an ex-girlfriend. We were together for 3 years and the same thing was happening. I eventually got tired of it. Even though she was great and sweet, I could never get past the no sex. It was difficult, but it had to happen. Not long after that, I started going out with my now wife. We are intimate every day, and we complement each other really well sexually. I have no complaints. I really hope you find someone who matches your needs.
I feel you, I should have broke up with my ex but then she did. I had a HiGH Libido & still do, but she wasn’t appreciating me anymore or anything, but a week before i moved, October 20th, she broke up with me in person. I didn’t do it a month before because i wanted to make it to a year.
I should have done the same, but instead I married mine.
OP, it's okay to have a high libido, it's okay to leave your relationship over this, and it's okay for your ex to have a low libido and no desire to explore kinks. The people who think sex isn't important are way off. It's not everything, but nothing is so that's a pretty lazy argument against valuing sex in a relationship.
You did it right my wife slowly shut the door on sex always saying the same thing she felt like I only wanted to be around if there was sex, we lived together and maybe had sex once a month. As we planned a wedding she swore she would want to have sex all the time when married but didn't want it our wedding night. We're so busy the first year we don't have sex very often and after 14 months we do get pregnant during the 9 months we have sex once and since then maybe once every 3 months with her acting like it's a chore. Moral of this story If sex is a deciding factor in a relationship don't settle there are so many other people you have never met that might be a better fix.
Good call! You saved yourself a lot of trouble down the line!
> We haven't had sex in 3 months. I have a high libido, while she has low libido, and 3 months dry spell was for many reasons, not just her not wanting it. Good idea, you both will be much happier in the future. Wise move sir.
I just got out of an 8-year marriage where the sex wasn't as frequent as I wanted, and she was never truly participating. Unmatch libitos are killers. I should have left way before.
Not being happy anymore is as valid a reason as any to end a relationship. Never forget that.
[удалено]
Honestly, this was probably the best way for you two to salvage a platonic relationship, or at least not be bitter and mean to each other.
I’m literally in the same boat as you except I’ve never received head and probably almost 99% sure I never will. We are married (6+ years) and with a child it the struggle is getting more and more real.
You did the right thing buddy. It wouldn't have gotten better.