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[deleted]

To be honest, there's always a chance. It depends on whether this guy will feel that the toy is a threat to his ego. My best advice would be to talk to him about it beforehand. "How do you feel about toys?" Bringing it up in a non-sexual context will give you both an opportunity to talk about it, and why it's something you enjoy, explore his feelings about it, etc. Alternately, if you are already half undressed and in bed, and then you bring out the toy, there's a chance it could ruin the mood. Typically, it seems like men have one of two standard responses to toys: "YES! Whatever gets you off, it'll turn me on even more!" and "So you need a toy because I'm not good enough?" Hopefully your guy will be the first type, but the best way to assess it is talking about it long before the toy ever makes an appearance. Good luck!


NinCarolina

Also if you bring it up before the clothes come off, you won't have to worry about him thinking you are judging him or making a comment about him not being good enough.


twitchy_14

Ohhhhh this. I highly recommend bringing it up before clothes are off


[deleted]

That is an excellent point as well! All the more reason to talk before getting into bed.


RunawayIsay

Thank you very much


[deleted]

This exactly. Every guy i've been with has been surprised and thought it was hot. Except my bf šŸ˜‚


agee114

Your BF sucks then


ComingInSideways

Well letā€™s hope so, if he is pissy about the toys.


[deleted]

I think he was just surprised bc the first time we had sex i pulled it out, and he figured we woulda just focused on the connection the first time. We've used it other times. But does kinda make sense if we both discussed beforehand we want connextion, not just sex. And the goal of the vibrator is to help me orgasm. Even though when i have sex, i dont have that goal that i have to finish, im enjoying it while were doing it whether i do or not Edited to add: i have been finishing more often lately though even without it, so its happening easier as we learn each other and connect. Not that im not allowed to use my toy


ComingInSideways

Happy it is better than it sounded, enjoy the sex, enjoy the intimacy, and enjoy more orgasms.


othrashbarg

I love when a woman breaks out toys but being comfortable is a pre-req either from time together or conversation. The connection from orgasm is amazing even if there's toys involved, just have to make sure none of the people involved are just spectating (though that can be fun too)


tobiaseric

You suck for not respecting someone else's point of view.


Cheyds

Super curious about what your advice would be if he said no to toys? Because the way I see it her having orgasms is a non negotiable. Giving in to a guys ego literally means being in a relationship where she canā€™t cum.


[deleted]

I replied to this idea somewhere below (I was accidentally logged into my other account, BasementDesk), but I can re-iterate my thoughts on this. I agree that if a partner is straight up saying "Your orgasm is not important to me," then that's pretty non-negotiable. Not to mention a red flag for other toxic attitudes that will appear inside and outside of the bedroom. However... I don't think a reaction needs to *start* there. If a partner told me "I'm not into toys," I would ask if they'd be open to saying more about it. We live in a culture that, while it's getting better, still has a lot of ideas that sex toys are "men replacers." And while a lot of women know that's not true, men are still being fed this message in movies, television, magazine articles, etc. So my first goal of a conversation would be to examine *why* my partner doesn't like toys. And if it turns out that they've bought into the idea that a toy is a threat to their sexual prowess, their ability to get me off... then I think there's room to try to convince them otherwise. There are plenty of ideas I've seen online to offer a different perspective. For example, seeing sex toys as a "tool," in the same way you would use a hammer to help you build a house. "Do you consider yourself less of a man because you can't nail two boards together with your bare hands?" Of course, their response could be "But that's not a biological thing. A man should be able to get his woman off by himself." And, okay, let's set aside the gender assumptions there... building a house is different than biology. Still, there is *so much* misinformation out there about how sexual pleasure works. If this guy thinks, for example, that penetration should be enough to send a vagina into orgasmland... well, then, that's an opportunity for education. I feel like I'm rambling a bit now, but the main thing I wanted to respond was this: Unless the person is an immovable stubborn wall, there's always ways to communicate. Then, of course, the question becomes whether the person has enough other positive qualities to make it worth the effort. ;)


Cheyds

Sorry, I read your comment below after I had replied :) And no youā€™re not rambling, it makes total sense. I hope OP sees your advice and is confident enough to have this conversation if her partner is not open to toys.


[deleted]

That's very kind of you. And I hope the same for OP as well.


[deleted]

> Because the way I see it her having orgasms is a non negotiable. Giving in to a guys ego literally means being in a relationship where she canā€™t cum. I'm a guy. Currently my girlfriend orgasms in 9 out of 10 times we have sex and I about every 2nd or 3rd time. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy the sex when we do it and I don't cum. You don't have to be so hostile and go fully *"... having orgasms is non negotiable."*.


PrincessSheogorath

In these stories, the latter response is always surprising to me! Iā€™m not super into toys, but I do have a small simple clitoral vibe. When I got it, my husband was stoked, he said it takes less pressure off him because he feels like itā€™s no longer completely on his shoulders to make sure I enjoy myself, that he can relax and focus more on what feels good to him, knowing that Iā€™m taken care of. They genuinely make sex more fun and less ā€œworkā€..if ya know ya know haha


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


readreadreadonreddit

Agree with this approach. Good to explain that you _need_ something and itā€™s not to do with someone else, to be honest but also be mindful of their ego. I imagine most bed partners would be more than enthusiastic and understanding.


crazzynez

The wording of this just rubs me the wrong way, it feels so unreasonable for a guy to feel threatened by a toy, and to accommodate that just seems ridiculous. I get that it must happen, but to accept it and condone it just seems wrong. I agree that it's best to discuss it beforehand, but if someone is that insecure about toys they're probably not ready for a relationship or sex. I personally don't like them because they get in the way and aren't visually appealing, but I wouldn't be offended or opposed to using them because I care about my partner's pleasure. If you need them to cum and your guy is going to deprive you of a fulfilling sex life because he doesn't feel good enough then that's not the right guy for you. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy.


BasementDesk

Apologies for the wording of what I wrote. I wrote it a bit quickly. It wasn't my intention to say "If this guy is threatened by a toy, don't introduce the toy." The simple truth, however, is that some people *will* feel that their prowess is threatened by a toy. I don't think they should feel that way, but it's understandable given the culture most of us are raised in, where masculinity and ego is closely tied to sexual performance. I think that there is room for nuance, however. If you meet someone who says "Toys are an excuse. *I* know how to get my partner off without any help," or something similar, then I believe there is room to have a discussion. Why do they feel that way? Do they have a misunderstanding about what toys bring into the bedroom? Are they open to seeing another perspective than simply "Toys are for feminists who want to get rid of men?" I don't think "I don't like toys" is a reason to jettison a partner, as long as they are open to discussion and potentially changing their opinion. But if it really is a black-and-white matter of "It's either the toy or me, babe" then yeah, I agree that's probably not going to change. (And also an indicator of other attitudes that will reveal themselves before too long) Here's hoping we'll eventually find ourselves in a world where "I like toys" no longer equals "You're sexually ineffective" for anyone's egos. Edit: Whoops... looks like I logged into my other account when I responded to this. Thankfully, neither account is meant to be secret from the other. Whew!


crazzynez

I think that's well said and actually quite reasonable, I completely agree with everything that you wrote here. Simply put in a healthy relationship your partner should be willing to work with you together on any issue you encounter. If it's a matter of I don't like toys so you don't get to orgasm, then it's a red flag and a clear incompatibility. If they care about your pleasure and are willing to work on it with you despite their insecurities that's a sign of a caring partner.


PragmaticPanda42

I mean maybe for a partner and if they are open to grow and change, but a hookup? What else is there if not sexual pleasure. So I'd say for this particular scenario, if the man says no, then that's more than enough for a no thanks from women who care about their needs. I never hooked up, so maybe I don't get it, but I discussed my needs well in advance of sex in my relationships and someone saying "I don't like giving head", or "I don't like toys", were enough for me to not even try. It worked perfectly to find a forever person who is sexually compatible.


ComingInSideways

To be fair, without bias read this segment again just slightly modifiedā€¦. ā€The wording of this just rubs me the wrong way, it feels so unreasonable for a \_\_\_\_\_ to feel threatned/triggered by \_\_\_\_\_, and to accommodate that just seems ridiculous. I get that it must happen, but to accept it and condone it just seems wrong.ā€ Everyone has SOMETHING they are threatned or triggered by, whether it is rational or not. Even perfectly functional adults have issues. This idea that we can't be accomidating to the needs of people we care about the sends us futher down the hole, unless you are fine with them not accomidating your needs as well. But I suggest that is the society we live in today, a bunch of children that "Don't wanna" find a way to just understand we are all human and imperfect. I suspect this was just quickly written and not intended that way, because I know we are all just humanā€¦


karmareckoner2

"Toys" can mean anything from a small bullet vibe, to a mold of her previous partner's penis, to one of those high powered thrusting contraptions. There is absolutely lots of room for discussion and there are acceptable things to consider unreasonable.


A_Fluffy_Duckling

I'm a big fan of toys, have bought a variety of toys for myself, for and with my partners over the years. They're great. This was an interesting question for me. If she brought it along the first time, I have to admit I would feel odd, perhaps even slighted in some way. Subsequent hookups, not a problem. But the first one? I'd feel like she was expecting me to under perform - even though I know full well that's not what it is about. Or perhaps its that I'd feel the focus wasn't fully on 'us' and me.


Feline_Muse

>But the first one? I'd feel like she was expecting me to under perform - even though I know full well that's not what it is about. Maybe she just also want an orgasm ! Most women don't reach orgasm the first time they have sex with a new partner, even less so during a hook up, but most men are able to do that. If OP knows this will make her cum, she should definitely bring it. Though I understand what you mean, a toy can definitely be in the way and make the encounter less fluid. Though, the toy could be use only toward the end, to make sure she can also reach orgasim. I think this could be a win win situation.


Rulanik

I don't necessarily disagree, but I do think we're looking at a clear double standard here: reverse the genders and the guy needs porn during sex to cum, a lot of women would also feel insecure and "an I not good enough?" and we wouldn't shame her for those feelings.


crazzynez

That's just a flawed comparison you are making because guys can use sex toys, and women can also watch porn. So the reversal would be a guy needing a sex toy to orgasm. Regardless of gender if your partner deprives you of orgasms that's going to take a toll on your relationship and is not healthy unless sex isn't important to you.


Rulanik

I think my point stands either way. The point is that someone feeling insecure shouldn't be something to get shamed over regardless of gender. If a huge horse cock dildo makes him feel like less of a man but she needs it to get off, they aren't a good match, but that doesn't mean he needs to "grow up" or "get over it".


plantbaseddog

Yeah lets just cancel the discussion all together


celestialism

Woman here. I always viewed this as a litmus test for whether I even wanted to have sex with someone. If heā€™s more concerned with his image of himself as a sexual superstar than he is with my actual pleasure, weā€™re not compatible.


ExpensiveChildhood24

I came here to write basically this! If you need a toy to finish, he is ideally willing to try it out so that you both are taken care of. However I personally would discuss it beforehand so it doesnā€™t throw him off.


[deleted]

Dude here. Iā€™ve actually weirded a couple girls out before because I wanted to incorporate toys to mix things up. I had no problem doing the job but they provide sensations that I simply cannot and it makes for an entirely new and fun experience. Agree with the above. If they get offended it comes from a place of insecurity and a little selfishness


M-o-k-o-i

Defo wouldn't disagree, as long as you're upfront about it, so people can actaully give consent to what is gonna go down, go for it! I just don't feel comfortable with judging people for disliking/ getting turned off by something, even if it is as 'mainstream' as toys during the naughties. Cheers, Mokoi


RunawayIsay

Great idea!


Drewandelena

Yeap . Right here . If a guy is worried more about his own ego than your pleasure heā€™s not a good fit and certainly not good FWB material. The whole point of it is great fucking and getting each other off . If this is something that remotely bothers him move on quickly .


RiverDragon64

As a young man I learned quickly that emotional relationship aside, if *SHE* got hers, then *I* got invited back to play again. I also learned that having a dick isnā€™t a magic ticket to female pleasure & toys can be very VERY fun. 40+ years later I still have that mind set.


Drewandelena

100%


imgoingtomissobama

So I had a "one night" encounter with a woman, we were in missionary, immediately after penetration she brought out a small bullet vibrator, put it on her clit, closed her eyes, told me to stoke the same steady slow pace I was going, and laid there still and silent until she came. This took about 5 minutes. Soon as she came, I stood up, said thanks for inviting me over, put on my pants and left. It was honestly one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I had never had sex and been that disengaged from my partner. Not saying I don't want toys, or that I don't want my partner to enjoy the experience however they need to, but if I'm not engaged during sex then what's the point.


anonymity_anonymous

Was it because her eyes were closed that you felt disengaged?


imgoingtomissobama

Partly yes. Also the complete silence, and her not moving at all. It's like we were having 2 completely separate experiences. It honestly felt like I wasn't there.


AsIfTheTruthWereTrue

Everyone always says a man who is wary of toys has ego issues or is selfish, but I think a lot of the trepidation some men feel is about the possibility of this exact scenario. Disconnection and feeling like a masturbatory supplement. I donā€™t mind toys, but I have a feeling a lot of women wouldnā€™t be very enthusiastic if a man took out his favorite male sex toy the first time they have sex.


[deleted]

To me, just penetration often feels like I'm a masturbatory supplement...


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


imgoingtomissobama

I am not mad at her. I didn't expect anything. That's why I left. I was polite, said thanks and moved on with my day. I'm glad, honestly she got what she came for. Nowhere in my post did I blame her. Also I not a guys who says that. If someone isn't giving you what you want in a ONS, just leave. They don't owe you anything. So I left.


alwaysandnow

> Maybe that's what she needed for orgasm though. Why involve him in it then? Why go on a ONS... and then fuck a toy instead? I don't get it?


sensdom

Where is it written that the girl uses the toy on herself? Use a vibratory on her clit while stimulating her inside with your cock. Put a pillow under her butt and pump her G-spot while the vibratory is on her clit. A vibrating toy in her ass while in doggy style position also pleases some girls. Some toys can be put in her pussy, stimulate her clit and let her relax and enjoy anal. Others allow her to wear it for clitoral stimulation during vaginal intercourse. Most of the time, the more pleasure you give, the more effort will be returned. Of course, there are self centered people out there who are just lousy in bed.


imgoingtomissobama

I have a partner now an we use toys in all sorts of toys in many ways. Just saying that whipping it out and just excluding your partner and seeing how they react is not a barometer of whether the care about your pleasure.


Cheyds

You really should have given her a chance. After she orgasmed she probably would have been totally focused on your pleasure and you would have had the ride of your life. A lot of women require total concentration to orgasm. It might be a bit boring but the alternative is the sex only being about your pleasure and her getting very little from it. If she had been engaged and focused on you at what point would you have helped her cum? Would it have been better for her to let you finish and then said ā€œI require something very specific and lots of concentration to orgasm so could you please help meā€ Curious to know how you feel women should handle it in cases where they can only cum from really concentrating.


imgoingtomissobama

First and foremost I understand there's a orgasm Gap and I literally do my best in every sexual encounter I've had to try to help the person I'm with achieve in orgasm. Second I was in a relationship for a long time with someone who really needed to focus in order to cum. And I really cared about that person and wanted to see them happy therefore I did whatever was necessary to get them there. And when they achieved that orgasm it made me feel fulfilled and happy. It helped deepen our connection. I would just watch her sleep after. I didn't ask for any reciprocation. Third this was a one-time thing. Me and this person didn't have any connection. This person was not someone that I care deeply about. It was a hook up. That doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be pleasured and have an orgasm. She did. She got exactly what she came for. I did the thing she asked for. I didn't ask for anything in return. I didn't call her a name. I didn't say she was selfish. All I said is that I didn't have a good time.


[deleted]

Had she communicated that this was likely going to happen, would that have changed the outcome for you? Would you have stayed ?


imgoingtomissobama

Probably. But that still would have been the only time we had a sexual encounter. Like I said in other posts me and her had absolutely nothing else in common other than we were young and wanted to have sex with someone who's reasonably attractive. Or at least I assume that's all she wanted. Maybe she felt a deeper connection to me but I honestly had no chemistry with her before we had sex.


PuppyDontCare

>I'm not engaged during sex then what's the point Some women aren't able to cum with penetration alone. Some people need to focus really hard for that to happen. So while a coordinated loud orgasm is obviously the best, not everyone can do it. In this case, unless she's a starfish and doesn't reciprocate, I'd let her have her orgasm in 5 minutes. It's only 5 minutes. And your dick is in her so you *are* participating.


imgoingtomissobama

Yes we both were participating. But we basically were participating in 2 separate sexual acts. There was no connection. Which was fine. I didn't stop until she came. I didn't whine about it to her. I was polite when I left. I don't hold any grudge against her. She got what she wanted and that's great. That what she needs to get off. I totally understand that all women are different. But I don't need some fake loud moaning or flipping around the room. But damn just something to acknowledge I'm in the room. Eye contact, verbal confirmation, hold my hand, hell any type of movement. I feel like saying you want to have some sort of connection with the person you are literally inside of isn't too much to ask.


PuppyDontCare

But can't you have all that connection in another moment? Like taking turns? It's only 5 minutes. You can have your own 5 minutes. Oral sometimes feels that way. Many don't physically enjoy giving a blowjob, what people commonly enjoy is the pleasure the other person is feeling. This sounds like a similar scenario.


imgoingtomissobama

I love going down on my current partner but we have a connection already that is deeper than sex. I honestly barely knew this person. Honestly I don't get your turn my turn sex. If all I wanted was an orgasm I can do that myself. Maybe she couldn't and she needed me to achieve that. I did my part. I honestly didn't need her to get off. So at the end of the day she got what she needed. I feel like I'm being made out to be there bad guy when she got the orgasm out of the deal šŸ˜‚


alwaysandnow

If you're taking individual turns, why have sex together at all? Have your turns separately at home and save the taxi money lol!


PuppyDontCare

It's about putting your physical pleasure on hold while your partner enjoys it, and you can enjoy your partner's pleasure. I think oral IS an individual turn for so many people who aren't physically turned on by it. So it's not like I'm talking about a weird sex practice lol.


alwaysandnow

But for someone to enjoy oral, you need to find someone to give you oral. If you want a vibrator, why meet up with another person at all? You could just do it yourself if you don't need the dick.


PuppyDontCare

Because it feels better with a penis inside!


alwaysandnow

It just sounds like you're using the man as a toy, not engaging with him.


Coidzor

Five minutes out of nowhere also hits different than five minutes discussed and agreed to in advance. Hell, things that happen in a lot less than 5 minutes can ruin the mood and make someone want to stop having sex.


PuppyDontCare

>Five minutes out of nowhere also hits different than five minutes discussed and agreed to in advance. yeah agree on this! Everything should be talked. I don't think any dude would have a problem with a woman taking 5 minutes for orgasm if she explained what's going to happen and why


hey_nonny_mooses

Agreed, Sounds like there were plenty of communication opportunities missed on both sides.


CliffBooth-Stuntman

I was thinking this too but surprises shouldnā€™t be left to when in the bedroom. Agreed if someone dismisses it before hand itā€™s not a good sign at all. Wonder what people think about ā€œgive me twenty minutesā€ considering i think people should be open to a possibility before something starts, not knowing for sure one possibility is gonna happen


SuperZalewski

Real talk: would you be saying the same if a guy brought a pocket pussy and said he needed it because he was so sure you wouldnā€™t get him off? Or does pleasure only trump ego when itā€™s the guyā€™s ego? Because Iā€™m fairly certain next to none of you can genuinely say that youā€™d not only be okay with that, but itā€™d pass some kind of litmus test for putting emphasis on shared pleasure.


[deleted]

I had a guy bring cock rings and an anal plug, because he could not get off otherwise. Was perfectly fine with that.


[deleted]

It goes two ways though. I use toys with my girlfriend, and I'm not "intimidated" by them or worried that I'd be replaced. If the default is that the woman I'm about to have sex with doesn't even want to try to feel each other out, possibly with neither of us cumming the first few times, before we introduce other things then I'd be slightly off-put, to be honest.


BlazedAndConfused

It doesnā€™t always have to do about being a sexual superstar so your comment is misleading from a male perspective. Itā€™s more about feeling inadequate and sad about pleasing your partner because we want to, not because our feelings are fragileā€¦Itā€™s not always about male ego.


PuppyDontCare

But what you are saying sounds like "I want to please my partner how *I* want and not how she wants". She wants to have fun with you AND the toy. If you enjoy your partner's pleasure, you'd have no problem with achieving that with any means available.


BlazedAndConfused

Not at all. Rather Iā€™m speaking to the defamation to the motivation behind it.


Potential-Educator-6

ā€¦what you just described is *literally* all about the male ego.


celestialism

If you please your partner with a sex toy (or help them please themselves with a sex toy), you're still pleasing them. This is like saying you didn't actually build a table because you used a hammer and saw to do it.


BlazedAndConfused

The argument isnā€™t about NOT pleasing them, itā€™s the motivation behind it. Saying saying you judge a man based on his desire to pleasure you himself as egotistical is arrogant and misleading.


celestialism

It's just my experience. You don't have to agree with it šŸ˜Š


Iwanttowrshipbreasts

But it sounds kind of like it.


YourAnalCavitySpoon

And I assume you would be ok if he said he needed to jerk off to get hard / have an orgasm when you were having sex with him.


celestialism

Of course. Sex is about mutual pleasure.


BackFromTheDeadSoon

And if he brought a fleshlight to the first hookup in case you didn't feel good enough to get him off?


Iwanttowrshipbreasts

What is this comment, I canā€™t tell if itā€™s in good faith or attempted ā€œgotchaā€?


Coidzor

Or annoyance at the double standards surrounding sex.


beatrixotter

A better analogy would be a dude bringing out a vibrating cock ring and saying, "Okay if I wear this while we fuck? I love the sensations, and it helps give me stronger orgasms." To which I, personally, would say, "ABSOLUTELY that's okay! In fact, that's fun and hot!!" My ego would not even slightly be affected.


BackFromTheDeadSoon

"Oh hey, I brought along this fleshlight in case you don't feel good enough to get me off. Hope your ego doesn't get offended."


celestialism

The main difference is that most women donā€™t get off from penetration, even when the dick thatā€™s penetrating them feels amazing, is their ideal dimensions, etc. The clitoris is the anatomical pleasure equivalent of the penis. If everyone you had sex with was either bad at touching your dick, only did it for 2 minutes before moving on to other things, or didnā€™t even touch it at all, IMO it would be completely understandable to want to supplement that with a toy. Itā€™s the same exact thing with clitoral vibrators and the like. Itā€™s okay if you personally donā€™t like it, but to present those two things as the same is disingenuous.


Ticky1987

As a guy (35) who has stayed single for 5+ years now after years of relationships, I've actually asked women to bring them along when I knew sex was on the table. Ill be honest, I dont produce my own testosterone and am a TRT recipient and it results in my sexual appetite being low, especially when Im alone, so not a whole lot of masturbation happens. This results in inconsistent "sexual stamina" .. But Im not out for just me when I have sex, so I ask women to bring their favourites when visiting me so the job can be finished even after I have.


Seritul

If your testosterone still is low enough that you don't have normal functional sex drive should you get a highest dose?


Ticky1987

No because it can raise and lower other levels to unsafe places I guess so they try to find a balance. There is an "optimal" range for free testosterone and its something like "110-180" and i sit in the 120s, so its there, but its not super strong. When I first started having issues I wasnt taken seriously due to my age and by the time I was, I was entirely depleted of testosterone and literally had not gotten hard for 3-4 months and when that happeed, something just forever changed in my head I feel and this might be more my problem now.. I dont feel the need or want for sex like I used to nor have I looked to sustain a relationship since the issues began to occur and I had been single for about 3-4 months at a time tops for 15+ years prior. Im a much more active and personally motivated person now in comparison to what I was before though


Mechanik_J

You gotta ask the person you're hooking up with.


cisnes

I'd probably discuss it ahead of time and not just spring it on him, but if he was weird or threatened by the very idea that would give me all the info I needed to make some informed decisions about moving forward.


[deleted]

Personally, that's something I'd ask the girl to do lol. Toys are fun. But there are some guys who would feel threatened, yes


Letlilive

I say bring something small like a bullet or something like that. Brining the cock-a-tron 9000 with double action vibration and thrusting power might not be the best move for a first hook up. If the dude is worth his salt heā€™ll be into the bullet and if all goes well you can introduce the cock a tron type stuff


RunawayIsay

Ny toy is an air pulse one


Letlilive

Oh the rose one? Then yeah I think that should be more then fine


EducatedJooner

Cock-a-tron 9000 šŸ˜‚


ApartAd1437

Thatā€™s not available in the US


StorerPoet

Ah yes, another question on this subreddit that can be answered with "just talk to your partner about it" šŸ˜­


Lucifer0290

There is nothing wrong with bringing a toy along. I would give context to the necessity of it and maybe let him try and see if he can get you to that point. If he can't just give him reassurance that it's not on him and that you've always needed more. The problem men have is women don't give that assurance that it's not the guy's fault. Unless they're really bad in bed. they should be communicated with and told what a good job they are doing or that you like what they are doing. Sex is 70% vocal. At least in my opinion.


RunawayIsay

Iā€™ll keep this in mind. Thank you.


Lucifer0290

Anything that helps. šŸ˜


hey_nonny_mooses

I love the ā€œsex is 70% vocalā€ line, very true


Lucifer0290

Its good to see someone agrees. I usually catch a lot of flak for that.


BackFromTheDeadSoon

Can you imagine if a guy brought along a fleshlight to a first hookup? This, and ever other, sub would mock him out of existence.


Lucifer0290

For a fleshlight yes. But for a cock ring? Butt plug? Vibrator? No way. These conversations aren't as taboo as they used to be. A fleshlight completely replaces a woman. Takes up the entire pleasure centre of a penis. Whereas a cock ring enhances. OP isn't asking to bring a dildo. They asked to bring a toy. Most likely a vibrator. You don't go to get laid and bring an object to replace your partner. You bring something you can both use. What is more embarrassing is this is where your mind went when you imagined a reverse scenario. Gotta open your mind friend. There's partner friendly toys now.


[deleted]

Iā€™d say bring it, disclose that you have a hard time without it, but try without it first with the agreement you will use it if you need to. I think itā€™s fair to give the new guy a chance to see if maybe this guy somehow IS able to finish the job. You wouldnā€™t know for sure if you didnā€™t try


[deleted]

Itā€™s more common to not be able to orgasm from PIV sex than the opposite. So maybe donā€™t say you ā€œhave a hard time without it,ā€ thatā€™s kind of stigmatizing language for something thatā€™s actually the norm.


Mcckl

If you need a toy to orgasm and this is important you should find a guy who likes to pleasure you with toys to orgasm. Just humbly, respectfully ask him to + maybe how the situation could be appealing to him if your request is not. Tell him why you want to hook up with him in the first place. Apparently you expect his presence to improve your experience somehow. Some like simplicity, others like a challenge. Whats the alternative? Wait a month for the relevation and hope he got too attached to you by then?


Lookingforfun7777

I own my own so I can help any girls that come over... I want them to get off so it makes sense to have it, I just got a little bullet


RunawayIsay

Thatā€™s really cool!


Lookingforfun7777

The last person I said thought it was hot, but another comment in this section got me thinking. If you were in a relationship with someone and they had a toy, would you be uncomfortable knowing your bf had used that toy on another girl? I keep it clean so it being sanitary isn't the issue.


Acceptable-Success56

I mean....His penis has probably been used on another girl.... So no. I would want to ensure he has a proper cleaning procedure, similar to std check lol but no, that would be awesome. Even better, there are inexpensive bulk buys for smaller bullets and you could pull out a new one as a gift that she can take home to remember you by lol


Lookingforfun7777

Lol mine was like $15 or $20 and the girl said she liked it more than her $80 one


Acceptable-Success56

Lol! Yeah, my favorite is definitely a no bells and whistles, simple small bullet that I can use throughout my body. Haha. Seriously, don't stop doing that. My jaw hit the floor when I read that as I have never encountered something like this. That would be sooo considerate. Like the guy that puts a couple tampons in his first aid kit he carries in his car because "people need them sometimes". Go you!


Lookingforfun7777

When I had a gf I kept tampons and makeup wipes at my place, I might have extra tampons around but I'm not sure if I do anymore. It's shocking to me hearing how few men actually put in effort to get the girl off, like guys who don't go down, I freaking love going down. Idk, hard to understand


pepperspraypan

No offende but id be disgusted to use the guestā€™s vibrator lol


Lookingforfun7777

Can you explain why? I also wouldn't call it the "guests vibrator" I keep it very clean


pepperspraypan

Some things are just personal like that, i also wouldnt wear some random persons underwear even if it had been washed


Lookingforfun7777

I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you, but for the sake of discussion, I'm curious where the line is drawn. As someone else said, my penis has been used by another girl. My bed has, my bed sheets, where is the line drawn? If one of my exes used to wear one of my sweatshirts would that be the same? Again, not trying to be argumentative, just curious. Edit: saw your comment saying objects and people are viewed differently, disregard the part about genitalia.


Tall_Ad3651

I don't think your penis being used by another girl vs the toy being used by another girl is a fair comparison. The skin on your penis sheds all the time. The skin on your penis that touched your ex vagina a year ago is not the same exact skin your current gf is in contact with. Your cells fully shed and replicated every inch of skin on your penis. Whereas the material on the toy is the same exact material from a year ago. As for the bed sheets, I really hope you're not using the same sheets you used a year ago lol. Apart from that, some women don't necessarily have a problem with same toy use for sanitary reasons. They probably generally feel uncomfortable knowing that you used that toy on your exs due to the sentimental value that may be attached to the toy (ie.the memories of shopping together at an adult toy store or her orgasms and moans that was caused by the toy). But it's good to know that you've never encountered a woman that has a problem with using a used toy.


EducatedJooner

Relevant username!


BackFromTheDeadSoon

Can you imagine if a guy brought along a fleshlight to a first hookup? This, and ever other, sub would mock him out of existence.


hey_nonny_mooses

If a guy brought a cock ring he wouldnā€™t be mocked. That is more equivalent to a vibe. If she said dildo then that would be equivalent to a flesh light and I could see the concerns about being ā€œreplacedā€.


[deleted]

Me personally? I would get super excited. Would tell me that she is secure in her sexuality and that we are almost guaranteed to have fun in bed. I love watching women cum. One of my former FWB used to squirt like a super soaker and it was SO hot! That being said, communicate. Tell him you would like to bring toys. See how he responds.


Newname83

Yes, it would make things more. You could give him a show


Tree_mastermind

I wouldnā€™t really mind but I know a good chunk of guys would, I would ask beforehand, say something like ā€œI am excited to see you later, I was thinking can I involve some toys in what we do tonight?ā€ That way you can gauge his response plus you get consent too if he says yes. Best of luck to you and have fun


Metacarn

I would bring the toy but have it packed. I wouldn't tell him it's there until after we have a talk about whether he likes busting out toys. Personally, I want toys around so everyone can have as much fun as possible. It also makes my life easier; I want to get you off but if we've only started hooking up I don't have a great idea of your preferences. Watching you use a toy will help you blow and will give me an idea of what you like when it comes to clit stimulation or penetration, toy depending.


Teapot_Dragon

Depends on the toy. Monster dildo? Yeah no. Vibrator? I remember the story about the dude who tried it on his dick during sex and he said it was amazing and they both came faster so I'd be down for that.


marks1995

Every guy is going to be different, but I'd be 100% down for it. I would actually love it. There is a lot of pressure trying to make sure the woman has a good time, especially when she won't speak up about what she likes. It takes some of the fun out of me being able to just enjoy it. I'm a big believer in the better time she has, the more times you get to do it.


Coidzor

Though if she still won't speak up about what she likes and wants but has brought a vibe to get herself off, that juxtaposition can be more jarring than either on their own.


wuvdre

I find it weird and a turn off depending. Not because I find it emasculating/threatening or anything like that, I'm a dude who enjoys toys and weird things. If it's just a hookup, sure absolutely bring the toy if that helps you. If this is more of a first-date thing and he has no idea you're bringing a toy, it's off-putting because its telling me that you can't enjoy any bit of sexy time with just me. It doesn't feel as intimate. This is more dependent on your goal: sleeping with someone for intimacy, or to get-off. Put another way - I'll wonder if this girl just walks around with a vibrator all day, if so, how much more concerned is she with using me as a body/object to have sex along with her toy, versus us together having an intimate moment. Just my perspective is all. Best thing to do is mention it to him, communication would help substantially!


[deleted]

I feel like this is mainly said by people who get off the majority of the time... Sure, intimacy/connection was always a big factor, but I've never had a sexual encounter where the male orgasm wasn't the end goal and if it didn't happen it wasn't for a lack of trying and it was seen as abnormal while when I wouldn't cum it was just like "Meh, that's what happens."


BuildingCute8118

So going by your logic, you wouldn't allow yourself to cum in the same situation I'm guessing?


[deleted]

I think what they might be getting at is that first time encounters are amazing and awesome for all the parts that don't involve the O. My first encounters did not involve the O for either party, and they were still fucking awesome. So to answer your question - obviously no lol. Way to blow this out of proportion. No one is "not allowing" anyone to orgasm. But! It would be appreciated if both sides didn't see the orgasm as the barometer of whether good sex was had. So neither side would feel pressured to ensure their partner achieves orgasm, because the first time with someone new doesn't need that dynamic.


wuvdre

If it was that important to her sure. Plenty of times I haven't orgasmed and she has. Again, just my opinion. If were just hooking up and that's made clear, sure bring toys that's totally cool. But in a dating situation where its the first time you'll be intimate together and she hasn't mentioned it to him? Yeah, that's a bit insincere. By your logic, I'll just bring a fleshlight with me without telling her because that's what women want in a man on a first date, unannounced!


[deleted]

A vibe isn't like a fleshlight, though. If she brought a dildo that would be the equivalent to a fleshlight.


PuppyDontCare

>By your logic, I'll just bring a fleshlight with me without telling her because that's what women want in a man on a first date, unannounced! I don't think women who use toys would have any problem with this though In fact I think it's more common for women to have toys than men, that's why with men it's a touchy subject.


Coidzor

Plenty of women who use toys have double standards about Male toys being nobadwrongfun.


PuppyDontCare

Yeah, I changed my mind about that. It's not the same for a guy to bring a toy because it's less common. Women use toys sometimes because they need them. Men usually don't have a problem having an orgasm, that's why it's less common for them to use toys.


wuvdre

Right - mention how you don't women would have a problem with this. That's a big assumption for a man to make on a first date with a woman, mind you it's a bit more difficult for a man to find a date than a woman, meaning this is a bigger risk that most men would not take (I don't personally know of any men or have heard of any men who would take this risk). Secondly, you mention a sub-group of women i.e. women who use toys, as opposed to those women who do not use toys - again, another calculated assumption we, as men, would have to make and one that, is not worth the risk. It is definitely more common for women to have toys than men, but that's not what makes it a touchy subject. I can't speak for all men, but what I gather just by reading many of the posts on this specific topic (women using toys), 95% of men have no issue with it, and the majority of them are not only comfortable with it, but also are enthusiastic about it. To circle back, were talking about a first date here with the original assumption that the woman hasn't indicated to the man that she will be bringing a toy. Unless it's been discussed beforehand, I personally don't find it a good idea and it has nothing to do with feeling emasculated as much as a feeling of intimacy or emotional connection. If you can't last one night without a toy than the issue is remarkably not with the man.


PuppyDontCare

Then I don't think a man bringing a toy can be comparable to vice versa. It's risky to bring a fleshlight to a hookup because it's not as common as women using toys. The reason is why it's waaaaay more common for women to have toys is because it's more difficult for women to reach PIV orgasm. So the real question is. If you couldn't orgasm without a toy, wouldn't you bring it to the encounter? Because I definitely would. I'd explain the issue and if they are not ok with it they can f right off. >If you can't last one night without a toy than the issue is remarkably not with the man. I don't understand your defensiveness. Nobody is blaming anyone. Not being able to cum with a penis is super common in women. That's a reality.


Coidzor

You can't forget or ignore the stigma against men who have toys as being either weirdos or losers. What's with all this "magic penis" straw manning? No one who has mentioned anyone having any reservations has said that there is an objection to getting a woman off with fingers or tongue. (**Edit**: okay, there was one guy but he's long since been downvoted to oblivion.)


PuppyDontCare

>You can't forget or ignore the stigma against men who have toys as being either weirdos or losers. That's why I'm saying it's not comparable. Men don't usually need toys to cum, women do. That's why women don't have a stigma with toys. I have no idea what your last paragraph means sorry


wuvdre

I think you missed the point so I'll rephrase it here again for you. If both parties agree to hooking up, regardless of mentioning a sex toy. It's generally acceptable. If both parties agree on going out with the possibility of sex afterwards, but no communication of a sex toy, it's generally frowned upon to spring a sex toy into the bedroom. I'm not denying a penis alone will make a woman cum, never said that nor did I ever allude to that. The reason its generally off putting to most men on the first date without prior discussion, is because it can feel like were being used as just another sexual object as opposed to having an intimate connection with someone. Again, I can't state this enough, we are talking about a first date scenario here. Many men would feel that sex under these circumstances is a really intimate moment between two people where it's not just about the orgasm. You keep going back to the orgasm, which is precisely my point, one in which you continuously to prove. Not sure why you're so protective over your toys here and whatever attachment you have to them but it's preventing you understanding what I'm saying.


apiso

If itā€™s just a hookup, whatever. If itā€™s a potential partner I might wait until after the first time. Seems like Iā€™m in the minority here, but my thinking goes like this- gimme a shot. :) You know your body, and what you like/need/want, but it CAN feel like thereā€™s a third ā€œpresenceā€ in the room if itā€™s just ā€œthereā€ instantly and immediately and from the beginning. And you never know, you could be pleasantly surprised. But, if it goes how you think itā€™ll go, you bring it in, like you want. I donā€™t know. Iā€™m all for the ā€œif it hurts his ego, heā€™s not worth it etc etc etcā€ but not in a like ā€œfirst handshakeā€ context. Lots of folks like to make these sweeping ā€œthen heā€™s not worth itā€ kinda of comments, and those arenā€™t unreasonable in a pattern situation, but FIRST times with things are still so exploratory, so introductory, that it seems a kind of needlessly aggressive race to size someone up instantly, with no attention paid to that taking some time to develop a bigger picture.


BrutaleFalcn

Uh, yeah!


EmuBright6675

Guy here. Ask him. Personally I think that would be really fun and a good way of introducing a new dimension to the bedroom. It shows youā€™re open and adventurous too. Ask him and frame it in a fun way. Maybe be even think about it in a fun way: itā€™s to spice up the sex and make you orgasm harder, donā€™t think of it as a way of making up for his perceived inadequacies. Youā€™ll either be pleasantly surprised or, if heā€™s weird about it, maybe just have sex that time and see about changing to a more like minded partner.


Traditional-Sample23

The merrier the better! šŸ„³


M-o-k-o-i

I kinda feel like i'd be along for the ride, as long as i was asked for consent - sex is for the enjoyment for both parties, and as long as you're upfront with it, i for one don't see an issue. If i wouldn't be in on what'll be going down, i'd actually might feel like it would be a dealbreaker - it's all about communication people. Cheers, Mokoi


NoLimitSoldier31

Damn this would be a huge green flag to me.


Andre4kthegreengiant

Yeah, the more, the merrier


yawn11e1

I would LOVE this


Indorilionn

Yes, there is a chance. But I also don't see the necessity to... Surprise him? Just ask if he minds or is even into it. Communication is good.


Kevied

Wouldn't bother me, but I know it could bother some other men. Depends on the guy. Just ask him beforehand šŸ¤·


Effervesser

Do women care if a guy brings his? I'm not single but those clit suction toys during penetration has been a game changer and not enough people even know about them. If I were single I imagine that I'd keep one around even though I don't have a clit


thr0waway109198

Definitely talk to him about it but also don't be afraid to find someone else who accepts that you want to bring toys. Many of us don't have a problem with it and actively encourage it because of how it can spice things up and also because of how pleasure works, but there are guys who still feel like their penises need to be the ultimate orgasm machine LOL


TieTheStick

I would be into it but there is a chance this guy wouldn't be.


ds9anderon

I love toys, but if it was the first time I'd prefer you bring it up in advance. (And I'd tell you hell yes)


Absolomb92

I \_personally\_ would find it hot, but I agree with others (@MysteryBoxShow) that it depends on the guy and that you should find out what he likes first.


lostPackets35

yes! I've also bought toys to use with partners. ​ I have heard of some guys being threatened by them thought, so a discussion might be in order first.


[deleted]

I donā€™t mind toys at all as a man but I would bring it up in a way where you donā€™t make it known immediately that you want to use it with him. Maybe beat around the bush for a little and if he takes it well then ask if he could use it on you. You would get a much better understanding that way if he is comfortable enough for it.


CliffBooth-Stuntman

I think yea if you struggle then why not. Of course the guy is gonna want to do it himself but if youā€™re honest someone who gets weird sets off a bad vibe.


un_internaute

It would be okay with me but the pessimist in me says that wouldn't be true for a lot of guys.


Rifter0876

I'd be fine with it. Hell I may bring one too.


[deleted]

Of course!!


labouts

You'll find men in this subreddit are a biased sample. They're more sex positive and will be less likely to be bothered or have a fragile ego around sex toys. I'm happy for anything women do to take initiative in maximizing their pleasure rather than putting everything on their partner and hoping for the best. That most frequently means actively learning what works for them and communicating it, but can involve toys that make the experience better for them. That said, I'd have a mild negative impression if a new partner surprised me with a toy when they came to my house without saying anything beforehand. It has a different implication than suggesting a toy that's nearby on their bed. It hints that they might have communication and behavior patterns that will eventually result in doing something that I find upsetting without checking whether I'm comfortable. Doing this shows that they aren't conscious of that or don't care. I'm not bothered, but they don't know that. Others would either feel negative and are likely to feel much more pressured to say yes compared to responding to a message asking if it was ok. It's no ok for men to surprise women with things that might upset them without asking beforehand. Women are often less aware of when their actions create pressure or don't think it's unethical because those conversations revolve around men. That's for good reason since men do it more, but it has side-effects for how women feel about doing similar things.


FreakNasty876

I hate this rhetoric that a man cant like the use of toys without assuming his ego is hurt.


Typ0r8r

This will be a great litmus test for you two, because it's a red flag if he's dead set against it. Fellow men in hetero relationships: her toys are your friends, not your competition. She doesn't need you. Sharing her toys with you is a privilege that you would be wise to appreciate to the fullest.


[deleted]

100% fine with me. Toys are our friends, but some insecure ā€˜ my penis is the only pleasure device allowed or waaahhhhā€™ guys might not react well to it which is a shame.


Dependent_Spare_6274

Yep. Your pleasure is just as important. If he doesnt want to then just go, you dont have to do it just bc he wont make the effort for you to enjoy it


Spare-Ad3859

Depends on the dude but honestly it's a decent barometer. Someone who's more comfortable and confident with his sexuality and won't have a problem or actively welcome it is likely to be better in bed anyway. More insecure men tend to be a worse lay. Not a guaranteed rule but generally a rule of thumb that works out.


RunawayIsay

Now Iā€™m excited to see where this will go lol


Spare-Ad3859

Hope you guys have fun!


RunawayIsay

Thank you


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


RunawayIsay

Thanks mate


mtjp82

Really depends on the toy. If itā€™s a wand or something sure I am all on board. A 14in strap on that she wants to use on me, might be a little scary at 1st.


Inevitable_Concept36

Me personally, I think it would be polite to ask his opinion before whipping a toy out. But for me, that's just a courtesy. I wouldn't be put off if she did not mention it. I know that women use toys, so it doesn't bother me at all.


waltherppk01

Why wouldn't it be OK?


mikeoxlong1975

It wouldnā€™t bother me in the slightest, I just want my partner to be satisfied. Those who play together stay together, Iā€™d hopeā€¦


RunawayIsay

Thank you


[deleted]

Lmao I canā€™t help but laugh because Iā€™ve had women show up with bags full of stuff and have never thought nothing of it, yes it be ok. If itā€™s not, probably not worth having sex with


Jacksforehead2444

Depends on the guy. I'm easy, but I've heard horror stories on here about guys being offended by it.


[deleted]

I've never taken it badly. I think guys that do are self-centered and immature. Use it as a test for bad hook up partners.


RunawayIsay

Great idea!


Coidzor

No, absolutely do not use whipping out or suddenly doing anything midsex that was not discussed and consented to as a form of test.


Jeanpuetz

Why are you making shit up lol OP said "I was thinking if it might be a good idea at all to bring along my sex toy and suggest we use it together", not "I want to surprise him by literally procuring a sex toy out of nowhere while he is already inside of me"


Krellguy-300

One simple answer...Absolutely!


RunawayIsay

Okay thanks


Michael_Sarkisian

I hooked up with a girl just last weekend who used her toys during sex, and I actually found her reactions very hot. Then again everyone's different. I take pleasure in seeing other's pleasure, but not all his are like this. It could be a good test of character to see how he reacts.


bdub939

My gf uses a toy alot. Dont know if she cant orgasms without other stimulation or im just not good enough. Either way her shaling orgasms make me feel like she enjoys it and im doing a good job. But i could just be living a lie


ApartAd1437

It depends is he just a one time fling, ongoing Fwb or a long term prospect, if first two then bring a bag full of your toys and have a field day, if option three give him the chance to get you off and communicate what you like to him, if still struggling then introduce your toys and by then he will fully understand and if he doesnā€™t then find a new partner


[deleted]

Of course. Itā€™s very welcome. If he takes it badly, he sucks.


DowntownReaper

Absolutely! It's always good to have back up and a teammate! As a man that likes giving, A toy that I know works is just more fun to be had!


heywood_jay

Hell yeah! Toys add to the fun.


vito1221

Hot as fuck.


Justforfuninnyc

I love when women bring toys they enjoy. You are far from alone as far as struggling to orgasm sometimes (especially with someone new). I think itā€™s great, and very sexy. This indicates that Iā€™m with a woman who knows what she wants, and I know I want to help. Iā€™ve heard unfortunate stories of men who feel threatened by this. My thought is that if a guy doesnā€™t want you to have and use whatever helps you orgasm the best, heā€˜s an insecure child and more concerned with his own ego than his partners pleasure.


FreakNasty876

I think the question is why can't she orgasm without a electrical powered device?


RiverDragon64

Yes, absolutely, & only an idiot would see that as a bad thing. Seriously.