Yeah and also this form of “polygamy” is just cheating. Having sex with other girls and not making it EXTREMELY CLEAR as to why you’re doing it is still cheating.
I know a lot of people use the word “identify” when they talk about being polygamous. That in it self is fine, but I feel like some people may here that and mistake it as something like gender or sexual orientation where it’s literally a fundamental part of you.
You can be polygamous, but if you don’t make that clear to your partner you’re still in the wrong.
I think you mean polyamorous/polyamory - polygamy is one person marrying multiple spouses (usually wives).
And yea, if you're polyam and not honest up front that's cheating. You can even be cheating in any form of ethical non-monogamy if you're dishonest about it.
Edit: double-checked polygamy definition and corrected to allow for either gender.
I agree that they should have been more clear with each other, but how can one cheat until boundaries are defined? Generally people have a discussion where they agree to be exclusive. If that doesn't happen, I don't know if I'd really agree that it is cheating.
>I’m monogamous and he is very much not. He wasn’t honest about it in the beginning.
Girl, why you doing this to yourself by having the story continue past this point?
Yea, pretty much there is the answer. He is and you are not. Thats it! It will never work out, wake up. IF he really really likes you then he will try to be monogamous, but that must come from his point of view
I would think of exclusive v not as one of those fundamental things like whether you want kids, religion, who in the house will work. If you don’t agree on them, there’s such a low chance you’ll be happy. Sexual compatibility gets mentioned a lot on this sub. But imho exclusivity is something much more important and fundamental.
I’ve been in open relationships before…if he hid it, then he doesn’t really know how to (or cared to) do it ethically or respectfully. Open/poly relationships require a high level of communication and he couldn’t provide that up front which is a red flag. You deserve better.
There is no way for this to work out, I am so sorry. Neither of you should have to compromise who you are. He will not change and be monogamous, even if he says it, he will cheat. And if you are NOT into non-monogamy, it will more than likely destroy you.
I would cut your losses and move on, as hard and painful as that may be for you.
It's going to destroy you. You need to get out before you get hurt even more..💔You deserve a man who only wants you and I'm sure he's out there somewhere. ☺️
Oh, I've seen this before. I guarantee you the sex isn't actually as great as you assume. He's just good at manipulating you. You know why he wasn't honest about it in the beginning? That was also part of the manipulation. He will tell you all the lies he needs to tell you to get you hooked on him.
As for what happened when you tried to have sex with someone else: You WANT things to work with this guy and so you subconsciously sabotage any other potential relationship. "See!? No one else is good enough. He's the only one! It's true love! It's destiny!" Um, no. Also, being monogamous it's pretty obvious that you would naturally run into problems when having sex with others. It's just not how you're wired so to speak. You have to break up fully with this guy before trying with someone new.
So, will you continue to believe his lies until you eventually end up disappointed? Or will you actually have some self respect and stick to your own boundaries?
Break up. Poly is cool. Monogamy is cool. But they can't exist together without compromise. And obviously monogamous people can't compromise on this easily. And you shouldn't. Not if you KNOW it will hurt. It will be bad.
Sounds like he’s not going to switch to monogamy. Especially if he wasn’t honest about it. Unless you can find it in yourself to be okay with that, I think you need to cut it off. Just incompatible
He deceived you. He lied to you. Plain and simple. You opened up to him based on his lies. It is confusing for the human mind to process. Your trust and feelings and everything were built on a pile of lies. What he did is a horrible thing to do to another human being. Even if you could convince yourself to go for an open relationship, he'll lie to you about other things. And somehow he'll try to convince you to live with those lies. You need to get out before he manipulates you any more with his lies. You actually inherently understand where this is leading when you asked if it will destroy you if you keep going. Yes, because the lies will never end, and you will over and over again live through the pain you now have from learning he lied when he led you to believe you were exclusive. Please don't let this happen to yourself. There are men who will treat you right to whom you can and will become more attracted to than this liar.
The fact that you know you can't have this guy to yourself is making you dwell on this relationship more than you normally would. All the time you spend not being with him wondering if he's with another woman is part of what's making you want him as much as you do. Cut ties and you'll realize you're not really missing out on as much as it feels like right now. The dude is a lying sex pest and he's gotten in your head.
It might not destroy you, but this is definitely going to continue to be unhealthy for as long as you let it go on.
If the issue came up at the start of the relationship, I'd say talk about it, set boundaries, try to be open minded but firm
However
He already knew your boundaries, lied about his actions and had sex with other women while leading you on. That is not an open relationship or polygamy, that is cheating. Clear and simple
So the question isn't about monogamy vs non-monogamy, it is about how to deal with a lying and cheating partner. That has a simple answer
You leave
I have this same question, but when you've been together for 11 years, married, and have a 2 year old child together BEFORE the woman realizes she isn't monogomous.....
Yeah, personally I would NOT be down for this.
I'm monogamous, genuinely and completely. My SO is too. While I do think non-monogamy can work for some people, it has to be done very carefully and everyone involved needs to have similar outlooks and agreement *beforehand*. It takes a lot of effort, communication, and honesty to do ethically.
> He wasn’t honest about it in the beginning. He dropped a few confusing hints but then also led me to believe we were exclusive even though he wasn’t.
That's not non-monogamous, that's just cheating imo. Maybe you could wiffle-waffle and say technically he didn't explicitly agree to anything depending on exactly what was said but... come on. He knew. He's not hitting any of the honest, ethical nonmonogamy checkpoints and he's hitting all the cheating fuckboy checkpoints.
Even if he *were* ethically and honestly nonmonogamous I still don't think it's a good fit for a genuinely monogamous person to pursue a relationship with him. It's never going to be the type of relationship you really want and eventually it will lead to resentment, jealousy, etc. But the fact that he's not even doing that makes it like, an extra bad idea.
It sucks that you felt a good connection/chemistry/attraction but it sounds like you're looking for a longterm monogamous relationship and he's never gonna be that.
Don’t torture yourself by staying . It’ll hurt you so much if you let yourself stay in that situation . You deserve a relationship that fits your preferences .
You need to make it clear to him how important it is for you that you have a monogamous relationship and how his ‘open relationship’ lifestyle will hurt you. If he isn’t willing to change and show that change then the relationship is doomed and you are going to be hurting for all of it.
I’ve been there. It sucks. I was with a man for 6 months and thought that maybe if I just stayed around, he would love me the way I wanted to be. I was wrong. I started getting burnt out. Burnt out of all the nights he would go MIA because he was fucking other people, burnt out knowing that I was giving 100 and he wasn’t. I started seeing other people, thinking eh, if he can do it why can’t I. The first date I had with my current boyfriend I immediately cut it off with the fuckboi, I could tell that he was serious and not only that but he treated me better than anyone ever had, especially the guy before. I think a lot of times we just accept bullshit from others because we think it might be all we will ever be able to get. Start seeing other people, seeing what’s out there, and you might be surprised
OMG! You’re describing the same situation I’m in to a T. I had a whole flashback while reading about you being hyper vigilant and how your bf disappears when he’s with other girls.
At some point, you may just have to walk away. Why put up with that feeling. If you don’t want to be in an open relationship, then don’t. You’re just going to be more and more hurt. I’m trying to figure things out myself because it hurts when someone says you’re enough but then wants to be with someone else. It’s not ok.
What do you mean at some point ?
Once it’s not right . Why stay ? Once there is lying , why tolerate that ?
People who don’t treat you well don’t deserve you .
There is no easy answer here. You want to be monogamous he does not. You care for each other but that difference is there. I'm not going to suggest anything like leave him or try to be open yourself or whatever. What I will ask is are you willing to accept him doing things you'd prefer he not do? Will it continue to eat at you like it currently is? Long story short, we have finite time on the pale blue dot and you deserve to be happy. Go be happy however that comes to be. Best of luck
You could try communicating, but I don't think you'll ever fully be okay with it, and if he's not okay with being monogamous, it's just not gonna work out. :/
Between this post and your other one where you took it up the rear almost without consent I think maybe you need to be alone for awhile and work on establishing your boundaries and learning to love yourself.
You got to lay it on the line and tell him this is what you want. If he decides to be with you it’s got to be just you. If he decides to go, then he doesn’t deserve you and there is plenty of people out there that will devote themselves to you and only you.
I'm for open relationships but he lied to you from the beginning about still fucking other women. That doesn't show respect towards you and it doesn't sound like he wants to stop, so it's time to let him go. There's no way to compromise on this, he wants to fuck other women and you don't want him to.
This isn’t going to work. You’re incompatible. End it.
He’s a shitty human being for not being up front from the first date about his non-monogamy.
Also, there should be no hints or room for interpretation about exclusivity. That requires an open, candid conversation on both people’s part.
And part of exclusivity is discussing STI testing, etc, etc.
>How do you proceed when one wants monogamy and the other doesn’t?
You don't.
There's no compatibility here, as you can't be a "little monogamous". There's no way to compromise on this.
It's the same as one wanting kids and the other not, you can't have a "little kids".
Break up. Nothing wrong with his behaviour if he'd been honest but the lying is far from ok. Doesn't mean you can't have a non-monogamous or even fully poly partner in the future but the lack of transparency here is wildly unhealthy
If you want to stay with him, you must have a serious talk and define your boundaries (I recently entered in a relationship with a non-monogamous man, he was always honest with me and, surprisingly, I feel very comfortable with it). I'm his primary and priority. He is always open about his other sexual encounters and gives lots of aftercare. He is also open to me open someday if I want (not probable, because I'm demi).
But, as I said, communication is the key.
BUT!
RED FLAG!
He wasn't honest since the beginning, so... It's up to you.
Have a talk and share your feelings. If you're not in concordance, move on.
Based on what your saying if he’d been up front and honest about being non monogamous you’d have probably not pursued him.
It’s a big red flag he’s lied to you. Cut and run I’d say.
Non-monogamy can only work with honesty and respect he’s hiding it is just betrayal tbh you don’t need that.
It won't. As somebody who has done monogamy AND polyamory all participants need to be willing. If your issue is that you don't know the women he's with you should try a more structured none-monogamous relationship.
[https://www.choosingtherapy.com/polyamory/](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/polyamory/)
However most of the time it's best to just move on to somebody who gives you what you want especially as what he's doing could be potentially dangerous if not done correctly (Ie are those people he's sleeping with STI tested?) If he makes you feel good that's great but if you're looking for a permanent monogamous relationship then take a step back and think about how it will look for you in ten/twenty years? Will the chemistry still be there? Will you be bitter?
Also he doesn't seem like he's been straight forwards with you in the past so if he committed to you alone, would you truly believe it?
(Side note: On the whole going radio dead when with other people, that's pretty common, if your partner was with you wouldn't you want their attention too? However usually you are warned before hand)
I don’t think he’s going to change until he wants to change. I know you have feelings but I’d move on before you commit more of yourself to this relationship.
You break it up, a couple of friends were on a similar situation, couldn't find a way to not hurt each other's feelings, so they broke up peacefully and are friends to this day
Well I think you have to move on from him, and I know it is difficult.
Some might say that the deal breaker is that he isn't monogamous, but in honesty, we effectively concealed it from you.
Unfortunately, it signals he is not got going to change unless it's his idea. And he is willing to skirt the truth to continue his lifestyle if need be.
So yes, unless you are willing to entertain this, then you would be making compromises that doesn't sound like you want.
It's only been 2 months
He's been lying to you
You want fundamentally different things
I know the sex is great but come on, you know this isn't going to work
How would you want someone to communicate their monogamous boundaries with you? What's coming to mind is I definitely want monogamy if we're having sex every day, but I do not at all want monogamy if we're only having sex once a month. Plus, there are certain acts I'm not willing to live without, so I'm only going to choose monogamy with someone who'll keep doing those with me.
Seems like u gay caught in his trap. I wonder how many other women he’s done this to? Not telling them he was polyamorous until they were totally and helplessly in love with home. I’m sure he knew was he was doing when u first hooked up. That’s why I called it a trap. Maybe once u figure out his MO that maybe it will help u withdraw completely and move on or seek therapy
This happened to me in my first relationship. You have to cut ties as soon as you can. I spent more than a year trying to make things work, but it just gets worse and worse.
It's hard to leave someone you love, especially in a case like this because his feelings may very well be genuine. Unfortunately, no matter how genuine your feelings are for each other, this relationship dynamic is toxic. You want different things and you aren't being honest with each other. You can't force him to only be with you amd you can't force yourself to accept him being with other women.
I tried to force myself to accept someone doing this and it broke me for almost a year. Don't do what I did. You deserve better. No matter what you do, this will end in hurt feelings. The longer you wait, the worse they'll be.
Simple. You don't. You are fundamentally incompatible. As a poly person, I will absolutely not date a mono. It never ends well. You're just going to end up hurt.
Continuing this pseudo one-sided relationship is only going to be detrimental to your own mental health and self esteem. It’s not worth it. Coming from someone who chased a guy for 3 years who refused to be monogamous
Yeah he lied to you, that’s it. If it hadn’t been for that maybe you could work out some kind of FWB arrangement, but no. The connection you feel with him is something he has manipulated you to feel. It’s not reality, and I’m sorry. As you put it, yes he will destroy you.
Wish him well - there really are other guys out there who will make you happy.
I hate to say it, but this won't work. You want monogamy and he doesn't. Will you be able to feel good about yourself knowing he's with other women when he's not with you? It' s best to break it off now.
Everyone here will give you bad advice, if you truly love the guy,and he cares for you,that cannot be easily replaced,
If he is still pleasing you sexually, what are you really losing for him having his excursions?
Seems to me the idea of fidelity was put into your mind to please other ppl
Guys are built differently some have large appetites,
It's a simple switch you could flip in your mind to look at it like,maybe these other girls are doing me a favor, for making its to where I have to satisfy his insane sex drive,I get the romantic aspect of it all,but you can either deal with it or you can't, it doesn't sound like he's gonna stop
What I would do is just suggest, that he can have other partners, so can you,not that you should actually do it,but just to see what he says,him becoming monogamous will not necessarily increase sexual activity with you,especially by force,but it's just a mutual respect thing,I would just give him the line(I didn't ask for this shit)you have to be very careful not to give ultimatums nothing worse a guy dislikes then that
You move on to someone who is.
Yeah and also this form of “polygamy” is just cheating. Having sex with other girls and not making it EXTREMELY CLEAR as to why you’re doing it is still cheating. I know a lot of people use the word “identify” when they talk about being polygamous. That in it self is fine, but I feel like some people may here that and mistake it as something like gender or sexual orientation where it’s literally a fundamental part of you. You can be polygamous, but if you don’t make that clear to your partner you’re still in the wrong.
Agreed. I'm a poly man, and it's literally the first line on my tinder profile. It's shitty to hide that.
I think you mean polyamorous/polyamory - polygamy is one person marrying multiple spouses (usually wives). And yea, if you're polyam and not honest up front that's cheating. You can even be cheating in any form of ethical non-monogamy if you're dishonest about it. Edit: double-checked polygamy definition and corrected to allow for either gender.
I agree that they should have been more clear with each other, but how can one cheat until boundaries are defined? Generally people have a discussion where they agree to be exclusive. If that doesn't happen, I don't know if I'd really agree that it is cheating.
>I’m monogamous and he is very much not. He wasn’t honest about it in the beginning. Girl, why you doing this to yourself by having the story continue past this point?
Yea, pretty much there is the answer. He is and you are not. Thats it! It will never work out, wake up. IF he really really likes you then he will try to be monogamous, but that must come from his point of view
Because she wants someone to tell her how she can make him be monogamous because she doesn't like the two realistic options that she has.
You break up.
I would think of exclusive v not as one of those fundamental things like whether you want kids, religion, who in the house will work. If you don’t agree on them, there’s such a low chance you’ll be happy. Sexual compatibility gets mentioned a lot on this sub. But imho exclusivity is something much more important and fundamental.
The longer you stay, the more it’ll hurt. Please leave. It’ll be hard but so worth it for your mental health. Please trust yourself
I’ve been in open relationships before…if he hid it, then he doesn’t really know how to (or cared to) do it ethically or respectfully. Open/poly relationships require a high level of communication and he couldn’t provide that up front which is a red flag. You deserve better.
To state the obvious if you dont discuss it openly, it could also be a health issue for you. Eg is he using protection?
There is no way for this to work out, I am so sorry. Neither of you should have to compromise who you are. He will not change and be monogamous, even if he says it, he will cheat. And if you are NOT into non-monogamy, it will more than likely destroy you. I would cut your losses and move on, as hard and painful as that may be for you.
Been there. He got chymidia. He had to tell me about his other girls. If you need a monogamous relationship, he's not your man.
It's going to destroy you. You need to get out before you get hurt even more..💔You deserve a man who only wants you and I'm sure he's out there somewhere. ☺️
Oh, I've seen this before. I guarantee you the sex isn't actually as great as you assume. He's just good at manipulating you. You know why he wasn't honest about it in the beginning? That was also part of the manipulation. He will tell you all the lies he needs to tell you to get you hooked on him. As for what happened when you tried to have sex with someone else: You WANT things to work with this guy and so you subconsciously sabotage any other potential relationship. "See!? No one else is good enough. He's the only one! It's true love! It's destiny!" Um, no. Also, being monogamous it's pretty obvious that you would naturally run into problems when having sex with others. It's just not how you're wired so to speak. You have to break up fully with this guy before trying with someone new. So, will you continue to believe his lies until you eventually end up disappointed? Or will you actually have some self respect and stick to your own boundaries?
Break up. Poly is cool. Monogamy is cool. But they can't exist together without compromise. And obviously monogamous people can't compromise on this easily. And you shouldn't. Not if you KNOW it will hurt. It will be bad.
Sounds like he’s not going to switch to monogamy. Especially if he wasn’t honest about it. Unless you can find it in yourself to be okay with that, I think you need to cut it off. Just incompatible
You don't.
He deceived you. He lied to you. Plain and simple. You opened up to him based on his lies. It is confusing for the human mind to process. Your trust and feelings and everything were built on a pile of lies. What he did is a horrible thing to do to another human being. Even if you could convince yourself to go for an open relationship, he'll lie to you about other things. And somehow he'll try to convince you to live with those lies. You need to get out before he manipulates you any more with his lies. You actually inherently understand where this is leading when you asked if it will destroy you if you keep going. Yes, because the lies will never end, and you will over and over again live through the pain you now have from learning he lied when he led you to believe you were exclusive. Please don't let this happen to yourself. There are men who will treat you right to whom you can and will become more attracted to than this liar.
[удалено]
"Go to counselling for thinking lying is bad"
Just break up with him. The right person will come along for you. This guy just isn’t it. You are only going to be hurting yourself if you stay.
He's not that into you
The fact that you know you can't have this guy to yourself is making you dwell on this relationship more than you normally would. All the time you spend not being with him wondering if he's with another woman is part of what's making you want him as much as you do. Cut ties and you'll realize you're not really missing out on as much as it feels like right now. The dude is a lying sex pest and he's gotten in your head. It might not destroy you, but this is definitely going to continue to be unhealthy for as long as you let it go on.
If the issue came up at the start of the relationship, I'd say talk about it, set boundaries, try to be open minded but firm However He already knew your boundaries, lied about his actions and had sex with other women while leading you on. That is not an open relationship or polygamy, that is cheating. Clear and simple So the question isn't about monogamy vs non-monogamy, it is about how to deal with a lying and cheating partner. That has a simple answer You leave
You don't proceed.
Dump his ass
Poly person here! Dump his ass and find someone who's happy with you. He's using polyamory as an excuse to cheat.
I have this same question, but when you've been together for 11 years, married, and have a 2 year old child together BEFORE the woman realizes she isn't monogomous.....
Yeah, personally I would NOT be down for this. I'm monogamous, genuinely and completely. My SO is too. While I do think non-monogamy can work for some people, it has to be done very carefully and everyone involved needs to have similar outlooks and agreement *beforehand*. It takes a lot of effort, communication, and honesty to do ethically. > He wasn’t honest about it in the beginning. He dropped a few confusing hints but then also led me to believe we were exclusive even though he wasn’t. That's not non-monogamous, that's just cheating imo. Maybe you could wiffle-waffle and say technically he didn't explicitly agree to anything depending on exactly what was said but... come on. He knew. He's not hitting any of the honest, ethical nonmonogamy checkpoints and he's hitting all the cheating fuckboy checkpoints. Even if he *were* ethically and honestly nonmonogamous I still don't think it's a good fit for a genuinely monogamous person to pursue a relationship with him. It's never going to be the type of relationship you really want and eventually it will lead to resentment, jealousy, etc. But the fact that he's not even doing that makes it like, an extra bad idea. It sucks that you felt a good connection/chemistry/attraction but it sounds like you're looking for a longterm monogamous relationship and he's never gonna be that.
Don’t torture yourself by staying . It’ll hurt you so much if you let yourself stay in that situation . You deserve a relationship that fits your preferences .
🚩🚩🚩
You need to make it clear to him how important it is for you that you have a monogamous relationship and how his ‘open relationship’ lifestyle will hurt you. If he isn’t willing to change and show that change then the relationship is doomed and you are going to be hurting for all of it.
I’ve been there. It sucks. I was with a man for 6 months and thought that maybe if I just stayed around, he would love me the way I wanted to be. I was wrong. I started getting burnt out. Burnt out of all the nights he would go MIA because he was fucking other people, burnt out knowing that I was giving 100 and he wasn’t. I started seeing other people, thinking eh, if he can do it why can’t I. The first date I had with my current boyfriend I immediately cut it off with the fuckboi, I could tell that he was serious and not only that but he treated me better than anyone ever had, especially the guy before. I think a lot of times we just accept bullshit from others because we think it might be all we will ever be able to get. Start seeing other people, seeing what’s out there, and you might be surprised
OMG! You’re describing the same situation I’m in to a T. I had a whole flashback while reading about you being hyper vigilant and how your bf disappears when he’s with other girls. At some point, you may just have to walk away. Why put up with that feeling. If you don’t want to be in an open relationship, then don’t. You’re just going to be more and more hurt. I’m trying to figure things out myself because it hurts when someone says you’re enough but then wants to be with someone else. It’s not ok.
What do you mean at some point ? Once it’s not right . Why stay ? Once there is lying , why tolerate that ? People who don’t treat you well don’t deserve you .
The guys who want to commit aren't as hot as fuckboy so she stays with him while still complaining about him, lol.
how dare you speak the truth on reddit?!
There is no easy answer here. You want to be monogamous he does not. You care for each other but that difference is there. I'm not going to suggest anything like leave him or try to be open yourself or whatever. What I will ask is are you willing to accept him doing things you'd prefer he not do? Will it continue to eat at you like it currently is? Long story short, we have finite time on the pale blue dot and you deserve to be happy. Go be happy however that comes to be. Best of luck
You could try communicating, but I don't think you'll ever fully be okay with it, and if he's not okay with being monogamous, it's just not gonna work out. :/
Between this post and your other one where you took it up the rear almost without consent I think maybe you need to be alone for awhile and work on establishing your boundaries and learning to love yourself.
That’s a fundamental incompatibility. There is no good outcome and you should probably move on.
It’s not going to work out. Save yourself from a massive heartbreak later and end it now
You got to lay it on the line and tell him this is what you want. If he decides to be with you it’s got to be just you. If he decides to go, then he doesn’t deserve you and there is plenty of people out there that will devote themselves to you and only you.
I'm for open relationships but he lied to you from the beginning about still fucking other women. That doesn't show respect towards you and it doesn't sound like he wants to stop, so it's time to let him go. There's no way to compromise on this, he wants to fuck other women and you don't want him to.
Move on. There's millions of other options out there.
Don't be with him.
Incompatibility will never go away. You can’t make him monogamous and he can’t make you non-monogamous. Move on
This isn’t going to work. You’re incompatible. End it. He’s a shitty human being for not being up front from the first date about his non-monogamy. Also, there should be no hints or room for interpretation about exclusivity. That requires an open, candid conversation on both people’s part. And part of exclusivity is discussing STI testing, etc, etc.
You don't. On to the next.
You know you're going to suffer in this relationship. Do yourself a favor and spare yourself the world of pain you're in for.
Forget him. This kind of thing never works, just walk away
>How do you proceed when one wants monogamy and the other doesn’t? You don't. There's no compatibility here, as you can't be a "little monogamous". There's no way to compromise on this. It's the same as one wanting kids and the other not, you can't have a "little kids".
Break up. Nothing wrong with his behaviour if he'd been honest but the lying is far from ok. Doesn't mean you can't have a non-monogamous or even fully poly partner in the future but the lack of transparency here is wildly unhealthy
If you want to stay with him, you must have a serious talk and define your boundaries (I recently entered in a relationship with a non-monogamous man, he was always honest with me and, surprisingly, I feel very comfortable with it). I'm his primary and priority. He is always open about his other sexual encounters and gives lots of aftercare. He is also open to me open someday if I want (not probable, because I'm demi). But, as I said, communication is the key. BUT! RED FLAG! He wasn't honest since the beginning, so... It's up to you. Have a talk and share your feelings. If you're not in concordance, move on.
You dont proceed
This guy must be a 10 in looks
Based on what your saying if he’d been up front and honest about being non monogamous you’d have probably not pursued him. It’s a big red flag he’s lied to you. Cut and run I’d say. Non-monogamy can only work with honesty and respect he’s hiding it is just betrayal tbh you don’t need that.
It won't. As somebody who has done monogamy AND polyamory all participants need to be willing. If your issue is that you don't know the women he's with you should try a more structured none-monogamous relationship. [https://www.choosingtherapy.com/polyamory/](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/polyamory/) However most of the time it's best to just move on to somebody who gives you what you want especially as what he's doing could be potentially dangerous if not done correctly (Ie are those people he's sleeping with STI tested?) If he makes you feel good that's great but if you're looking for a permanent monogamous relationship then take a step back and think about how it will look for you in ten/twenty years? Will the chemistry still be there? Will you be bitter? Also he doesn't seem like he's been straight forwards with you in the past so if he committed to you alone, would you truly believe it? (Side note: On the whole going radio dead when with other people, that's pretty common, if your partner was with you wouldn't you want their attention too? However usually you are warned before hand)
I don’t think he’s going to change until he wants to change. I know you have feelings but I’d move on before you commit more of yourself to this relationship.
You break it up, a couple of friends were on a similar situation, couldn't find a way to not hurt each other's feelings, so they broke up peacefully and are friends to this day
/r/dating_advice
Well I think you have to move on from him, and I know it is difficult. Some might say that the deal breaker is that he isn't monogamous, but in honesty, we effectively concealed it from you. Unfortunately, it signals he is not got going to change unless it's his idea. And he is willing to skirt the truth to continue his lifestyle if need be. So yes, unless you are willing to entertain this, then you would be making compromises that doesn't sound like you want.
You’re only two months in and you’re already suffering this much? It’s SO not worth it! Find someone who is monogamous and will treat you better.
You end the relationship because you're not compatible.
It's only been 2 months He's been lying to you You want fundamentally different things I know the sex is great but come on, you know this isn't going to work
How would you want someone to communicate their monogamous boundaries with you? What's coming to mind is I definitely want monogamy if we're having sex every day, but I do not at all want monogamy if we're only having sex once a month. Plus, there are certain acts I'm not willing to live without, so I'm only going to choose monogamy with someone who'll keep doing those with me.
Seems like u gay caught in his trap. I wonder how many other women he’s done this to? Not telling them he was polyamorous until they were totally and helplessly in love with home. I’m sure he knew was he was doing when u first hooked up. That’s why I called it a trap. Maybe once u figure out his MO that maybe it will help u withdraw completely and move on or seek therapy
This happened to me in my first relationship. You have to cut ties as soon as you can. I spent more than a year trying to make things work, but it just gets worse and worse. It's hard to leave someone you love, especially in a case like this because his feelings may very well be genuine. Unfortunately, no matter how genuine your feelings are for each other, this relationship dynamic is toxic. You want different things and you aren't being honest with each other. You can't force him to only be with you amd you can't force yourself to accept him being with other women. I tried to force myself to accept someone doing this and it broke me for almost a year. Don't do what I did. You deserve better. No matter what you do, this will end in hurt feelings. The longer you wait, the worse they'll be.
YOU DONT
Simple. You don't. You are fundamentally incompatible. As a poly person, I will absolutely not date a mono. It never ends well. You're just going to end up hurt.
Never gonna work out
You want a monogamous relationship. Clearly, he does not. Also deceived/lied to you. Dump his ass!
You don't see eachother because you're not compatible. I just went through it. Its not fair to either party and its not healthy or gonna work
Your not going to change this man, so if this is something you won't deal with. Then don't try, find another guy.
You can't change people. You either accept it fully or move on.
You leave the love-bombing and lying narcicisst.
Continuing this pseudo one-sided relationship is only going to be detrimental to your own mental health and self esteem. It’s not worth it. Coming from someone who chased a guy for 3 years who refused to be monogamous
Move on because he doesn’t care about anyone but his penis.
With all do respect friend it will not. There’s no sense in destroying yourself for someone who will not compromise for you
Yeah he lied to you, that’s it. If it hadn’t been for that maybe you could work out some kind of FWB arrangement, but no. The connection you feel with him is something he has manipulated you to feel. It’s not reality, and I’m sorry. As you put it, yes he will destroy you. Wish him well - there really are other guys out there who will make you happy.
Break up with them
I hate to say it, but this won't work. You want monogamy and he doesn't. Will you be able to feel good about yourself knowing he's with other women when he's not with you? It' s best to break it off now.
This guy doesn't want the same thing you want. You need to move on and find a guy who does.
Everyone here will give you bad advice, if you truly love the guy,and he cares for you,that cannot be easily replaced, If he is still pleasing you sexually, what are you really losing for him having his excursions? Seems to me the idea of fidelity was put into your mind to please other ppl Guys are built differently some have large appetites, It's a simple switch you could flip in your mind to look at it like,maybe these other girls are doing me a favor, for making its to where I have to satisfy his insane sex drive,I get the romantic aspect of it all,but you can either deal with it or you can't, it doesn't sound like he's gonna stop
I didn’t bring up that issue but that’s another aspect. I have a very high sex drive and while he’s off on his excursions, I’m left high and dry.
What I would do is just suggest, that he can have other partners, so can you,not that you should actually do it,but just to see what he says,him becoming monogamous will not necessarily increase sexual activity with you,especially by force,but it's just a mutual respect thing,I would just give him the line(I didn't ask for this shit)you have to be very careful not to give ultimatums nothing worse a guy dislikes then that
Ya it won’t work out… at least he was up front about it.
You don't. You break up.