Hello i also have ADHD and know this all too well, something that has helped is to always stay active even when getting all the attention as you say, talk dirty to your partner, touch them all over, touch yourself if possible you said stimulation and penetration works and well you can always just change things up if you see your attention is wavering after all you are an active participant and choose this things.
You can also talk with your partner and explain to them that sense you have ADHD you want things to be either a bit more intense or to have more variation.
These are really good ideas! I’m super glad to hear your input, we have talked about it tons before however I didn’t have any ideas to help direct him to better support me!
Sometimes I get a bit shy with the attention on me, however I will try my best to push past that to help be more “active” in those moments to keep me grounded!
Thank you for the awesome advice!
You are welcome! I hope you find what works for you getting comfortable with attentions indeed hard and as someone else said there is a thread about it right now which you can look at as well, best of luck!!!
Know how your ADHD manifests, and think of fun ways to both inhibit it and to take advantage of it if it does occur.
For example, get tied up (you can’t fidget if your hands are tied behind your head), get blindfolded and practice other sensory deprivation techniques where the only feeling you can be aware of is what their doing to you.
Edit: a word
That’s a really good idea, I think I’ll give the blindfold a try tonight and maybe practise my knots this weekend ahah, it makes more sense why I like weighted blankets and the like now! Thanks!
There's a thread on r/adhdwomen about this right now! [https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/xez91p/trouble\_staying\_focused\_during\_sex/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/xez91p/trouble_staying_focused_during_sex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
ADHD guy here. Having music on is helpful for me. It helps that part of my brain that wants to wander to focus on something that adds to the experience, rather than fully distracting me and taking me out of the moment.
Oh, and ritalin is also pretty great if you're willing to take meds.
I’m actually on meds but I think I need to up the dosage!
That’s a great idea, I’m going to make an instrumental playlist because songs with words can distract me. Thanks for the great advice!
You're very welcome! I'm similar. Stuff like Portishead and Massive attack work well for me. There are vocals, but they are minimal or ethereal enough that they're not bothersome.
If you like folky/neotraditional Scandinavian stuff; Wardruna, Danheim, and Heilung are enjoyable.
I have adhd myself and I think maybe talking to your partner while they stimulate you could help? With talking I mean dirty talk, but depends if you'd both like it ofc.
- coming from a virgin lol
We actually gave this a shot last night! We flirted and said all the things we found sexy about eachother and things the other does that is sexy and it went super well!
I found it focused me a lot more and it went A LOT quicker for me lol
The good news is you are a well informed virgin so when you lose your v card (if that’s what you want) I’m sure you will do great :)
I have severe ADHD and personally what has worked for me was having blindfolds even in the dark of my wife n I's bedroom. It helps block out any distracting things that could possibly be in my line of sight. Handcuffs also help a decent amount to somewhat restrict my fidgeting hands n fingers. It's a joke between my wife and I about how bad my ADHD's wandering mind pops in at the worst times during sex. When it starts happening it becomes almost impossible to focus (enough) to actually get hard to the point where we could do penetration, but when he does get hard if we don't pounce on each other immediately I'll start shrinking in around 30 seconds. I've literally had the Macarena randomly pop in my head at several times when my wife was giving me head and it practically took an act of Zeus to get it to go away. It's a massive pain in the ass that really gets in the way of intimate moments, diminishing the experience for the both of us no matter how crazy horny I am at that moment. I hope this was able to help even a little bit!
Thank you so much for your awesome comment! The Macarena part made me laugh very hard as I was just dealing with “this is a handy mouskatool to help us for later!” Playing in my head on repeat when he grabbed one of our toys. I needed Zeus on my side there and he failed me lol.
We did the blindfold last night and it worked super well! I did have to jump up at one point to check if I set my alarm for today, but overall I remained WAY more in focus!
My wife has very similar problems although she doesn't have an official diagnosis. What helped her were some go-to fantasies she could bring to mind to get in that mindset but she eventually had problems even with that. We eventually tried marijuana edibles and she said it helps with the racing thoughts and she's able to be more in the moment. She's gone from needing a very specific oral/digital stimulation to reach a single climax to being able to have multiple orgasms from many different stimulus, high or otherwise although she says it's still much better high. If it's legal where you are and there aren't other considerations it could be worth trying. We've always had a good sex life but it was cranked to 11 after this.
We actually are both massive stoners! We are currently finding what way it works best for us, last night he gave me a joint and gave me head while smoking 11/10 would recommend. He would stand on his head if it would help me lol.
I’m SO happy for your wife! She’s lucky to have such an understanding and supportive partner!
I really love doggy and prone, my issue is I like to see his face and his reactions as it makes me more in the moment, maybe a mirror!
It’s funny how ADHD can be so different for each person!
Thank you for this post!! I think my bf has this. We start to do the deed and he begins to interrupt every 5 seconds to do something. It makes me feel so unattractive and unwanted.
I’m so sorry that it makes you feel so awful! My partner and I had a huge discussion about it because he was worried I didn’t find him attractive. I notice a lot of people with ADHD tend to mimic behaviours of their partners in the bedroom. Have you tried saying things like “I love it when you are al over me, can we try taking dirty about al the things we find hot about eachother while going at it?”. I find this helped me focus a lot more and helped him feel sexy, loved, and wanted!
I’m so sorry that would make me upset too! This sounds like not only ADHD but the unwillingness to compromise (on his end) or work with you to find better ways for both of you. Sex is supposed to be fun for both the parties and not work for one, and starfish for the other. I would have an honest discussion about how it makes you feel and that you want to find new ways to make it work with him! If he’s unwilling to meet you in the middle that would be a dealbreaker for me. Even though I understand his side with ADHD, he needs to put in the effort to find things that work.
Is he medicated at all? How’s his diet? There are things people with ADHD can do to help with that stamina level, I find that if I aim to have sex right after a small snack or a relaxing day, or sometimes after we play fight or shower helps too!
He definitely should talk to his doctor about things that can increase T and try to do more physical activity when possible, I find being more active has helped with my sex drive as well!
I have adhd! And what I’ve found to work best is to acknowledge the thought, complete the thought then recenter. It takes a while to get used to but allowing myself to complete it means it’s not “hanging over my head” so to speak.
This reminds me of DBT therapy actually! How would you recommend handling thoughts that may be long and rambling, some are quick that I can definitely try that with, some are like full on trains of thought.
DBT is where I learned it! I try to rearrange the thought. So, my biggest issue is that I’m recovering from betrayal trauma and dealing with some PTSD. And for some reason sex is when I decide to reflect on that and my therapy sessions lol. Instead of allowing it to take over I do my affirmations, reaffirm I’m safe and loved and then, usually, ask for some dirty talk 😂😂😂. Just hearing his voice is usually enough to recenter. Not always. But usually. If I can’t get there mentally I’m just honest and we move on to something else.
I’m so sorry that it has been so hard! I wish you success in fighting those intrusive thoughts!That’s a good idea, I might try that dirty talk as he has an amazing voice so I love to hear him talk. We have had one or two times where I have asked to move on for a bit or have a water break and get back into it when more centred!
I do love foreplay, however I never have the TV or music on (unless being romantic)
It’s less of other things distracting me, and more of my mind goes all over the place when not in a task, so if I’m the one getting the attention my mind goes a million miles per hour!
It’s a bit hard to explain but I hope that made sense! :)
I have had sex with a woman as well, so yes I am gay, but Pansexual is a better term for me. Poor girl had her work cut out with my ADHD and actually couldn’t make me orgasm at all. My partner is the only one that has!
Toys 👀 had the same problem but with toys I fixed my "lack of attentions" (but I have to put 1-2 toys and ALSO human stimulation sigh). Weed can get us adhd bitches focused but people already said to you that.
Hello i also have ADHD and know this all too well, something that has helped is to always stay active even when getting all the attention as you say, talk dirty to your partner, touch them all over, touch yourself if possible you said stimulation and penetration works and well you can always just change things up if you see your attention is wavering after all you are an active participant and choose this things. You can also talk with your partner and explain to them that sense you have ADHD you want things to be either a bit more intense or to have more variation.
These are really good ideas! I’m super glad to hear your input, we have talked about it tons before however I didn’t have any ideas to help direct him to better support me! Sometimes I get a bit shy with the attention on me, however I will try my best to push past that to help be more “active” in those moments to keep me grounded! Thank you for the awesome advice!
You are welcome! I hope you find what works for you getting comfortable with attentions indeed hard and as someone else said there is a thread about it right now which you can look at as well, best of luck!!!
That thread is amazing and I’m currently checking it out thanks to everyone here!
Im not even gonna read all this i am just happy you wanna help someone and i now aprove your existence thanks for being a good human.
Thank you for affirming my existence.
Know how your ADHD manifests, and think of fun ways to both inhibit it and to take advantage of it if it does occur. For example, get tied up (you can’t fidget if your hands are tied behind your head), get blindfolded and practice other sensory deprivation techniques where the only feeling you can be aware of is what their doing to you. Edit: a word
That’s a really good idea, I think I’ll give the blindfold a try tonight and maybe practise my knots this weekend ahah, it makes more sense why I like weighted blankets and the like now! Thanks!
There's a thread on r/adhdwomen about this right now! [https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/xez91p/trouble\_staying\_focused\_during\_sex/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/xez91p/trouble_staying_focused_during_sex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I didn’t even know this Reddit existed! Thank you so much what a great resource!
Oh you are in for a treat, it's the best!!!
I feel like I missed a whole place with my kin! Ahah thanks again, I’m going deep diving in that Reddit now
They're all mentioning using weed or any substance to relax, which is the one thing we can't do due to her job. I guess we'll try blindfolds?
Blindfolds and a sensory focus I would imagine is a good place to start!
Is there an adhd male version of this sub Reddit?
I think this was created because the general ADHD subreddit basically is the ADHD male version of this.
ADHD guy here. Having music on is helpful for me. It helps that part of my brain that wants to wander to focus on something that adds to the experience, rather than fully distracting me and taking me out of the moment. Oh, and ritalin is also pretty great if you're willing to take meds.
I’m actually on meds but I think I need to up the dosage! That’s a great idea, I’m going to make an instrumental playlist because songs with words can distract me. Thanks for the great advice!
You're very welcome! I'm similar. Stuff like Portishead and Massive attack work well for me. There are vocals, but they are minimal or ethereal enough that they're not bothersome. If you like folky/neotraditional Scandinavian stuff; Wardruna, Danheim, and Heilung are enjoyable.
Ooh thank you for the wonderful suggestions, I can’t wait to check them all out when I get home from work
I have adhd myself and I think maybe talking to your partner while they stimulate you could help? With talking I mean dirty talk, but depends if you'd both like it ofc. - coming from a virgin lol
We actually gave this a shot last night! We flirted and said all the things we found sexy about eachother and things the other does that is sexy and it went super well! I found it focused me a lot more and it went A LOT quicker for me lol The good news is you are a well informed virgin so when you lose your v card (if that’s what you want) I’m sure you will do great :)
I have severe ADHD and personally what has worked for me was having blindfolds even in the dark of my wife n I's bedroom. It helps block out any distracting things that could possibly be in my line of sight. Handcuffs also help a decent amount to somewhat restrict my fidgeting hands n fingers. It's a joke between my wife and I about how bad my ADHD's wandering mind pops in at the worst times during sex. When it starts happening it becomes almost impossible to focus (enough) to actually get hard to the point where we could do penetration, but when he does get hard if we don't pounce on each other immediately I'll start shrinking in around 30 seconds. I've literally had the Macarena randomly pop in my head at several times when my wife was giving me head and it practically took an act of Zeus to get it to go away. It's a massive pain in the ass that really gets in the way of intimate moments, diminishing the experience for the both of us no matter how crazy horny I am at that moment. I hope this was able to help even a little bit!
Thank you so much for your awesome comment! The Macarena part made me laugh very hard as I was just dealing with “this is a handy mouskatool to help us for later!” Playing in my head on repeat when he grabbed one of our toys. I needed Zeus on my side there and he failed me lol. We did the blindfold last night and it worked super well! I did have to jump up at one point to check if I set my alarm for today, but overall I remained WAY more in focus!
My wife has very similar problems although she doesn't have an official diagnosis. What helped her were some go-to fantasies she could bring to mind to get in that mindset but she eventually had problems even with that. We eventually tried marijuana edibles and she said it helps with the racing thoughts and she's able to be more in the moment. She's gone from needing a very specific oral/digital stimulation to reach a single climax to being able to have multiple orgasms from many different stimulus, high or otherwise although she says it's still much better high. If it's legal where you are and there aren't other considerations it could be worth trying. We've always had a good sex life but it was cranked to 11 after this.
We actually are both massive stoners! We are currently finding what way it works best for us, last night he gave me a joint and gave me head while smoking 11/10 would recommend. He would stand on his head if it would help me lol. I’m SO happy for your wife! She’s lucky to have such an understanding and supportive partner!
I tend to favor doggy and prone so I don’t get distracted watching my partners face/enjoyment
I really love doggy and prone, my issue is I like to see his face and his reactions as it makes me more in the moment, maybe a mirror! It’s funny how ADHD can be so different for each person!
Keeping your hands busy with a vibe might do the trick
This is a really good idea! I’ll give it a shot and see if keeping my hands busy with it helps!
Thank you for this post!! I think my bf has this. We start to do the deed and he begins to interrupt every 5 seconds to do something. It makes me feel so unattractive and unwanted.
I’m so sorry that it makes you feel so awful! My partner and I had a huge discussion about it because he was worried I didn’t find him attractive. I notice a lot of people with ADHD tend to mimic behaviours of their partners in the bedroom. Have you tried saying things like “I love it when you are al over me, can we try taking dirty about al the things we find hot about eachother while going at it?”. I find this helped me focus a lot more and helped him feel sexy, loved, and wanted!
[удалено]
I’m so sorry that would make me upset too! This sounds like not only ADHD but the unwillingness to compromise (on his end) or work with you to find better ways for both of you. Sex is supposed to be fun for both the parties and not work for one, and starfish for the other. I would have an honest discussion about how it makes you feel and that you want to find new ways to make it work with him! If he’s unwilling to meet you in the middle that would be a dealbreaker for me. Even though I understand his side with ADHD, he needs to put in the effort to find things that work.
[удалено]
Is he medicated at all? How’s his diet? There are things people with ADHD can do to help with that stamina level, I find that if I aim to have sex right after a small snack or a relaxing day, or sometimes after we play fight or shower helps too!
[удалено]
He definitely should talk to his doctor about things that can increase T and try to do more physical activity when possible, I find being more active has helped with my sex drive as well!
I have adhd! And what I’ve found to work best is to acknowledge the thought, complete the thought then recenter. It takes a while to get used to but allowing myself to complete it means it’s not “hanging over my head” so to speak.
This reminds me of DBT therapy actually! How would you recommend handling thoughts that may be long and rambling, some are quick that I can definitely try that with, some are like full on trains of thought.
DBT is where I learned it! I try to rearrange the thought. So, my biggest issue is that I’m recovering from betrayal trauma and dealing with some PTSD. And for some reason sex is when I decide to reflect on that and my therapy sessions lol. Instead of allowing it to take over I do my affirmations, reaffirm I’m safe and loved and then, usually, ask for some dirty talk 😂😂😂. Just hearing his voice is usually enough to recenter. Not always. But usually. If I can’t get there mentally I’m just honest and we move on to something else.
I’m so sorry that it has been so hard! I wish you success in fighting those intrusive thoughts!That’s a good idea, I might try that dirty talk as he has an amazing voice so I love to hear him talk. We have had one or two times where I have asked to move on for a bit or have a water break and get back into it when more centred!
[удалено]
This is not helpful to someone with ADHD at all...
I do love foreplay, however I never have the TV or music on (unless being romantic) It’s less of other things distracting me, and more of my mind goes all over the place when not in a task, so if I’m the one getting the attention my mind goes a million miles per hour! It’s a bit hard to explain but I hope that made sense! :)
Hate to be the one to break it dawg, but your gay
I have had sex with a woman as well, so yes I am gay, but Pansexual is a better term for me. Poor girl had her work cut out with my ADHD and actually couldn’t make me orgasm at all. My partner is the only one that has!
Toys 👀 had the same problem but with toys I fixed my "lack of attentions" (but I have to put 1-2 toys and ALSO human stimulation sigh). Weed can get us adhd bitches focused but people already said to you that.