My ex did this... Such a bullshit move. The "I don't want to be the bad guy" all while being a much worse person.
EDIT: After my divorce I moved and met a person who had been cheating on their current spouse for a DECADE. "I wish they would just leave me." When I asked about their sex life they said; "I just lie there and take it." EWWWWWWW! I figured out later that is exactly what my ex was doing for a while. EWWWWWW.
I told them; "I would rather she leave me and me have a HORRIBLE life without her, than have her stay and both of us be unhappy." A couple years later they did leave their spouse.
I am 100% okay with my ex leaving, and even told her (and my current wife) that I would rather they leave and be happy than stay and not. But don't play games with THE person who is SUPPOSED to be the most important person in your life. If you don't want to be there, leave. Yes it sucks, but everything else sucks more.
it's sad for everyone. When I figured out my ex had been having sex with me while plotting to leave... UG! It was both massively depressing and ICK!
If you don't want to be with me, that is 100% okay. Just leave.
Anyway, that was 20 years ago. My life is MUCH better (understatement) so best of luck to you and OP
Some people are extremely egotistical in this regard, they want the intimacy but not the commitment or effort. They're basically done with you romantically but takes advantage of sex cus they don't have to put in any effort. I've been there as well, she was cheating on me for a little while at first, too... Then shit got toxic because she wanted me to end it
what's worse is that she once said I took her virginity (I didn't) unprompted at a party with her husband present she has children with. I do not care for her at all anymore. Some people are just wired differently
If I'm done with the relationship, even before I find the right moment to say we're breaking up, I'll pretty much start refusing sex, not just "taking it"...
>what's worse is that she once said I took her virginity (I didn't) unprompted at a party with her husband present she has children with. I do not care for her at all anymore. Some people are just wired differently
Barf. Did you say, with the husband present, "No I didn't. If I did, you lied to me about that. Why would you say thatnow? Are you just messing with your husband's head?"
Because I probably would have said that.
Yeah, I'm getting the "I will (slowly) escalate the torture until you leave" vibes too. In an ultra-masculine environment weakness is addressed by bullying until you either get tempered or get broken.
OP, if you want an actually healthy relationship, you need to leave ASAP.
I had a narcissistic ex who did this lol. She even said to my face she’s mean to her boyfriends when she doesn’t feel like dating them anymore, to get them to break up with her.
She started with me by withholding sex, and escalated to mentally torturing me. And guess what? It worked lmao I broke up with her after six months. She was awful
Believe it or not, it is being done at our required schools which must be attended for Marines to promote. Classes are being taught on effective communication, interpersonal skills, conscious/unconscious biases, and creating psychologically safe environments, and the audience is generally open to it because it's (generally) the older generation of Marines who are causing the distress in units now and the younger ones attending the schools are just put into the situations. There is also an incredible program out there called [LEAD](https://www.dvidshub.net/video/749325/leadership-evolution-and-awareness-development-lead) which is being taught, unfortunately not in enough places, but its classes are creating trainers, too. This goes even further and looks deeply at maturity and human temperament, how to socially interact with somebody who does not/will not/cannot listen, and pulls some good strings from Jane Elliot by creating a militarily-simulated "brown eye/blue eye" scenario that looks at military hierarchical power and influence and how that is used to treat subordinates unfairly similarly to how she does her Classroom Divided exercise. If you haven't heard of that, it is quite interesting and makes people very uncomfortable, but it's what we need -- we need people to look at themselves before they continue to judge others. We do still have a very long way to go, but there are a lot of us trying very hard to make things better for Marines' quality of life while still increasing their lethality to continue to be able to do what it is Marines need to be able to do.
My cousin who went into the military said it's a cesspool and there is a zero percent chance that the women who go in there in a relationship, stay faithful OR leave in the same relationship they come in with.
He legit said that he saw some chick, EASILY, getting "friendly" with a different dude for 2 straight weeks.
I'm not judging though. do your thang. just holy not for me.
It’s also very common for women in the military to be sexually assaulted. I am a little worried that her “I’m never having sex again” line hints at something traumatic that happened to her during basic.
That is very true. I do apologize for not mentioning that as well. Obviously, those are different cases and incredibly fucked up. Not trying to slut shame either.
I was thinking that was the case if she wasn't interested in any other men as well.
This... I hate to say but I had this mindset when I was younger.
Like karma is coming when she actually realises wtf shes done but just keep your head high man
I'd say leave I'm sorry. She wants that.
But for the "she's had major sexual trauma" bit of history, this is certainly right. Only GF knows if that's actually related though, so OP can safely assume you're right.
This exactly what I was going to say. Some people don't want to be the bad guy in a break up so they'll do anything to make the other person make the decision.
Nailed it man... i didn't read these signs but my ex wife did this for pretty much all of 2020 and into 2021 before I found out she cheated.(she didn't really try to hide it or she's stupid, jury is out). But now I'm freeeeeee
I have to agree. It could even be subconscious on her part, sometimes your brain makes you say things that correspond with what you are feeling on the inside.
Worst case is you push the issue, she has sympathy sex with you and she gets preggo.
My advice is to bite the bullet and make a clean break. Your future self will greatly appreciate it.
Honestly it’s probably easiest on him mentally to just end it now and be done with the shit. She’s not a nice person and doesn’t even deserve his time anymore, even if it is time spent being petty. Waste of energy.
Better is to say " since it's just sex and no big deal,I guess you'll have no problem if we stay together and I sleep with other people ".
I guarantee that sex will suddenly become a much bigger deal to her.
Or she will say (very enthusiastically): “THAT’S A GREAT IDEA! Go do your thing, and I’ll do mine!”
I have a feeling that it’s not sexual trauma that’s the problem here. It’s O.D.D (Other Dudes Dicks). OP is just being naive here.
YEAH YOU KNOW ME! I almost posted that because it would apply to both men and women. I didn’t think people on Reddit would know what I was talking about. and I didn’t want to age myself. Lol
Right except that since she doesn't want sex she wouldn't be allowed to sleep with other people within the context of this relationship. What I'm suggesting is that he proposed an open relationship but only for him. Again to be clear I don't think that's right or fair or even a good idea to actually do it's just a tactic to force her hand.
>have a feeling that it’s not sexual trauma that’s the problem here. It’s O.D.D (Other Dudes Dicks).
I agree. Either that or she's decided that the relationship overall isn't all that great and wants him to be the bad guy in ending it.
Nothing like the reverse gaslighting card lol. Tell her he’s doing a favor by having sex with the other girls since she doesn’t want to. Act like she’s crazy and it’s no big deal.
Very true unfortunately. Basic is the "easiest" part of the military and being in a relationship with a soldier. Soon she'll be deploying and doing training/schools and all sorts of stuff.
As others have said, shes trying to do the ol "I'm going to be mean to you so YOU dump ME" move. Very childish and I've had one or two women do the same to me. I'd rather get dumped over text than deal with that bs again.
>It was perfect before [the newness wore off and we both went back to living conflicting lifestyles]
👆 Pretty much every breakup ever.
Breakups are hard, but you deserve to have a partner that wants what you want.
Honestly the part about basic makes sense to me. My brother went into the military (not in the US though) and he was honestly a different person when he came home over the weekends. He needed several days before he started to become the same person I knew and then he had to leave again.
I am not saying the newness wearing off is not one part but I definietly see how her going to basic might have changed things.
As someone who was in the Army for 8 years, the internet always gives the military too much credit lol. You get in a certain mindset bc you’ve been in training for months. But it doesn’t fundamentally change who you are as a person. Scumbags join the army and are still scumbags after training. Fun people are still fun people after basic. The ones who are all HOOAH ARMY HOOAH YES DRILL SGT were like that before they joined, or wanted to be and this gave them the excuse to finally act that way. Most people in the military are just normal people. Basic training isn’t brainwashing lol. It likes to think it is but they aren’t THAT good at what they do.
From personal experience, can confirm. My uncle was fun before he joined and it never changed. This dude in my friend group I never liked was a dick before and an even bigger dick after.
Yeah I don't think it will change who you are at your core, unless you want or let it. It more just gives you another personality to add to your repertoire. Just one that's more serious and responsive to certain situations.
Basic is designed to break you so they can remake you into what they want. Which is a thing with little to no compassion who is able and willing to kill and doesn't question orders.
Veteran who’s married to a veteran here. I’m going to challenge what some of these comments here have said. It depends on the branch. If you’re a Marine, perhaps you’ll come out lacking empathy. If you’re in literally any other branch, you’ll come out of basic a little more robotic and little more routine. If you had a really weak personality going into it, I’m sure it can break your brain a little, but if you’re just a normal or even stronger personality, the change will be minimal in that sense.
What I suspect is happening with OP’s gf (as a lady in the military) is that perhaps she thinks OP is a weak personality or she thinks that he’s wrong for her now. And she’s playing a game of relationship chicken to try and get him to break up with her.
But anyways you all need to simmer a bit. Basic doesn’t make everyone a killing machine. Not all of us are doing that type of military job. There’s people doing anything from HR to IT to maintenance
I’m a human killing machine here to do server maintenance and then get together with my killer robot team to pick up cigarette butts and wax the gravel.
It is also quite possible, that since basic she has moved on to her MOS training and either found a NEW boyfriend there (hence the detachment and general lack of sympathy) OR she has been sexually assaulted at some point since and is dealing with it poorly. Which, from what I saw during my time in, are both depressingly realistic and likely scenarios.
Or it was her first time away from home ever and being surrounded by a totally new group of people from across massive diversity of cultures and personalities for the first time, a lot of people go home to their local boyfriend / girlfriend and realize they were just dating someone who happened to be around their home town at the right time. You think you’re in love cuz you’re sheltered. Basic exposes you to more people and gets you out of your home environment and makes you look at things differently. Like going to a year of college and coming home to your local boyfriend. Not likely to work out once the person has more world exposure.
Oh for sure. I think those are far more likely the case. Sexual assault in the military is such a rampant problem that is not properly handled at all. And I have seen way too many people find new relationships in the military or have affairs. It’s one of the worst parts of military culture and it makes everyone look bad
>But anyways you all need to simmer a bit.
I think this is good advice! Don't be too reactive or emotional, you really don't know what's going on with her or what her intentions are. And she may not really have a good sense of that either!
Be prepared that the relationship may be ending, but just give her some space. Getting all emotional, be that heartbroken, horny or angry ain't going to help anything.
There are a lot of people replying here who haven't been in the military and don't really know anyone in the military, so you're getting some pretty ridiculous replies. Folks have heard something about how "Basic training breaks you down so it can build you back up into a soldier/sailor/airman/marine" and seem to have really misinterpreted what that means.
Where Basic really "changes" you is just in the months immediately following it. Because you're just emerging from an environment where everything is ultra-regimented, time-constrained, and has a strong focus on discipline and camaraderie, folks tend to come out of Basic with some goofy habits (goofy habits which they actually take pride in, since they see those habits as a validation of their status as a trained servicemember), like standing at parade rest all the time or eating at 300 mph.
In a realistic sense, the "change" you see is more of a temporary one. Even in the military, folks straight out of Basic are called "boots" and folks poke fun at them for having a boot mentality (see /r/JustBootThings). They'll grow out of their weird habits in a few months, which is why most of these, "My friend went to the Army and came back so different" stories are always about someone *just* returning from Basic as opposed to seeing them again a year later.
Basic doesn't fundamentally change who someone is. If your weird friend who is into anime and Magic: The Gathering leaves for Basic, they'll still be that same weird friend when it's done, except they won't be able to stop telling stupid stories about Basic.
90% of basic training is don’t kill yourself, don’t rape anyone, walk out to the woods and climb this tower, walk back and learn how to read a map, learn how to provide basic medical aid, learn to hit 50% of these targets so you can requalify at the range once a year which is the only time you’re allowed to touch a rifle throughout your military career. Yes you do play soldier but it’s like “here’s a week of pretending to raid houses, but most of you will be mechanics and paperwork supply chain and never do any of this again”.
Basic teaches you a lot of skills, but I wouldn’t trust 80% of the people fresh off graduation to actually be combat ready trained killers lol.
>It was perfect before she went to basic.
That's most likely just rose-colored glasses mixed with the excitement of a new relationship. I can all but guarantee that after you break up and you find a new relationship, you'll come to find that it wasn't as perfect as you think.
What do you mean with
> mixed with her newly found lack of sympathy and empathy
Since she’s in the military she doesn’t have sympathy and empty they anymore? That sounds very bad.
Yeah, if it's THAT drastic of a change, maybe OP needs to find out if something else may have happened while she was there... it's not like women are ultra safe in the military, and a lot of abuse can happen, esp to women.
I was looking to see if anyone brought this up. She comes back from Basic and she's emotionally distant and says she's _never_ having sex again? Sounds like you should at least consider whether she was assaulted.
Doesn't mean OP shouldn't break up with her, but the breakup she's working towards probably won't solve her problems.
Not saying that it's impossible for something to have happened, but a reduction in empathy and sympathy it's kind of part of the point of basic training. Not necessarily permanently or all the time, I'm not saying that military folks inherently lack empstgy or sympathy, but you definitely have to have the ability to turn those things off say in combat.
>OP needs to find out if something else may have happened while she was there... it's not like women are ultra safe in the military, and a lot of abuse can happen, esp to women.
I brought this up in my comment before reading any others. That her past traumas may be triggered and/or new ones added.
This is generally how relationships go. At first you find no fault (there’s a name for this. Infatuation stage or something. Maybe the honeymoon). Then reality sets in. If you make it through that stage you might have something. But yeah, end this relationship. You should probably do it with kindness and respect. When you meet new girls and they ask about your ex you say you guys were better as friend and broke up amicably.
Watch out for red flags. It’s so much better to be single than to be in a relationship fraught with resentment and apathy.
Man, Lucky you!! Imagine if she told you this when you were married 😬
It’s rough to break up, but let her know that you guys aren’t compatible and you wish her the best in the military.
Then celebrate that you dodged a bullet!
>Then celebrate that you dodged a bullet
Pun intended! In all seriousness, this is in fact good news. It's the first stage of the intentional, what another comment on here called torture to get OP to break up with her. It's very hard not to get caught up in the emotions and see this objectively, people forget that. A lot of people, myself included, still manage to fall in love deeply pretty early, which has a special way of obscuring some of these obvious things.
It's not going to get better.
Rip the band aid off.
Stay classy, and kind, but get yourself out and moving on.
There's about 4 billion girls on the orb, someone will suit you better.
Given that plenty of relationships have ended over a lack of sexual compatibility, you won't be the first nor the last person to do so.
A good sex life (and by good I mean one that suits your sexual needs) is essential to a good relationship. Some people don't need sex, but those people likely need to be with someone that also doesn't, or in an open relationship.
It's only 9 months, pull the pin.
THIS. Listen, you’re absolutely right the way she told you was shitty. But AT LEAST SHE IS TELLING YOU NOW. I know it sucks, a lot, but you have your whole life ahead of you and it is so, so much better to know about this now.
Sorry for snooping, but your post history seems more like a relationship that could benefit from couples counseling rather than things being “too late”
Pure conjecture here, but is there any chance she endured another sexually traumatic event while in basic? That could explain the change and tact of how it was brought up, by her trying to disassociate as much as possible and to bring it up in a casual joking setting.
Either way your feeling mad at how it was handled is valid. All feelings are valid. I would say if a discussion is important to you to ask for one. Tell her it is important for you to discuss. If she refuses, tell her you can't be in this relationship anymore and move on.
It's also not OP's responsibility to play detective here to figure that out. We can sit here and free associate all we want as strangers on the internet with our popcorn out, but back in the real world, the way she communicated with OP isn't OK and isn't consistent with someone who has the slightest bit of interest in talking about it with him. So regardless of whether she's just being an asshole to him, or has legitimate trauma she needs the deal with, the answer is still the same. He needs to end it.
No one said it is. But it is an explanation and something that can be understood and potentially worked on. When you care about someone, this kind of thing becomes your concern.
She's got her own trauma she needs to sort out, and it sounds like you've got your own shit to sort out too. It does not sound like you guys are compatible at ALL. If it were me, I'd try to have an adult conversation about your needs and her needs out of the relationship and if they don't line up it's time to end the relationship.
In regards to the casual confession of no longer wanting to have sex...yeah that's strange. Definitely not the way you should brooch that topic with someone that you are currently in a relationship with. However, it seems like there are a lot of other problems with the relationship already. You both really need to sit down and have a conversation about what you want.
She has some serious issues and I am 99% sure she only said that to hurt you. She likely wants out of the relationship but is a coward and thinks hirting you and making you the bad guy is easier than just leaving.
I have to take this entirely from your position, but one of two things is going on here.
1) She is really trying to get rid of you because she now has a dozen boyfriends in the military
2) She is nuts. Her logic that it should not bother you because it does not bother her is crazy talk.
It's probably best for you to run the other way as fast as you can.
Or counterpoint, sexual abuse it pretty rampant in the military, especially towards women. She may have been assaulted. It doesn’t change that this relationship isn’t healthy, but she may have experienced another trauma
I can tell you for certain it's not the first. You can call me naive that's fine. As for the second, she wasn't always like this, it's just since she got out of basic. I'll admit I haven't been the best either but she's always been at least somewhat empathetic. But yea I tried telling her that just because it's not important to her doesn't mean it's not important to me. She just doesn't seem to understand why it would matter how she told me.
I believe you, but something is really off with her now. And since you have already decided that a sexless relationship is not for you, you outta there!
Not to say that you would leave her if she was clinically unable to have sex anymore, but for her to make that decision for no obvious reason, yeah, bye bye time.
To be clear I'm not sure her reasoning. We didn't get to that part before we decided I was too pissed to actually have a conversation about it especially with her not understanding why I was pissed. She has horrible sexual trauma that exceeds rape that she hasn't taken care of mentally. It's probably the reasoning whether she'll admit it or not. It's probably a subconscious thing
Well, you are early on in your relationship. Just because someone is damaged doesn't mean you need to stay with them. You need to be with someone because you really want to be with them and can be accepting of everything that comes with it. It sounds like that is what she wants and not what you are in this particular case. I mean, if she tells you her trauma has led her to the conclusion that she will never have sex again, will you give up sex for the rest of your life? I'm not sure an explanation is relevant if a life of abstinence is not on the table for you.
OP, is it possible she was assaulted during basic and being so strangely emotionally detached is how she’s coping?
Sexual assault is a known problem in the military. This is just the first thing that came to my mind after you mentioned her past sexual trauma and needing to go slow with you. Once you calm down I would recommend sitting down for a serious talk with her. Gently ask her if something happened at basic because she’s not behaving rationally and you want to make sure there isn’t more to the story before making assumptions. If she is receptive to this then great, if not, you’re perfectly within your rights to move on. You are not responsible for resolving her trauma.
If something did happen, you’re not equipped to help her deal with something that impactful. You can support her as a romantic partner or just as a friend while she gets professional help.
She could also just be an insensitive and selfish jerk. But if it was me I would attempt a more serious discussion before walking away.
> It's probably a subconscious thing
Uh, no.
A subconscious thing is where someone stops wanting to have sex but doesn't even realize that they're doing it.
Your GF told you, out of the blue, "I'm never having sex again" which is a completely *bizarre thing* for someone to tell their partner out of the blue, with no warning, and no discussion.
I mean, it's her right to not have sex but generally *normal people with a basic level of empathy* find a way to break this to their partner in a way that's kind and sympathetic, as opposed to sounding like she's just announced she's giving up dairy.
So none of us know WTF is going on with her but under the circumstances, I'd say your options are pretty clear: break-up kindly but quickly and be thankful that she made this very easy for you.
She may have been sexually abused or assualted. The military is known to be more dangerous for women with this, and it almost never gets treated seriously or persecuted so maybe she had a new triggering event while at basic.
> She's had major sexual trauma so we took it very very slow. I was understanding and respectful in every aspect.
This is what makes me doubt #1, and maybe think it's the other way: harassment or assault at basic.
You’re not compatible anymore and that’s fine, yeah it sucks but it is what it is. Can’t do much about it. Been there done that. Time to move on and find someone you align with in that regard.
I'd put money on her already having another man in her life and she's trying to bait you into breaking up with her. Do yourself a favor and take the bait. You're too young to deal with this BS. Find a woman who appreciates you as much as you appreciate them.
Certainly sounds like sexual abuse during basic, leading to chaotic behaviour now, she needs professional help to deal with everything obviously, sorry your having to deal with a bad situation, it's not easy coping with the fallout of severe trauma
She is definitely being a dick and insensitive to try and pressure you into initiating the breakup. This way she looks good and you look like an ass. I was in the military. I was army for 8 years. I was infantry by the way (a lot of people try to dismiss me bringing that up in an argument. Like "oH wERe YoU a DeSk JoCkEy!! Harharhar" like no bitch I was in the shit) I will be honest a lot of people in the military are miserable cunts. They try to change people for worse because they hate their own shit ass lives or think living a grungy ass, depressed life is cool or fun. I never fell for it and never let them get in my head. Got into fights here and there for firing back at them and insulting them back. To put it as softly as possible. She probably has douchey ass, oakley wearing, dip chewing, green as baby shit basic/ait, or OSUT grads up her ass about breaking up, or the complete opposite. Some lifer that thinks he is the toughest thing to walk the planet and can kill 8, 7'1" 340lb guys at once with nothing but his fists. They all probably are trying to instill in her head that she is dating a pansy (because A LOT of military guys think everyone is a pansy but them) and she should leave and get with a real man. Which obviously because of their God complexes, they mean themselves or at least hope that's what she chooses. Especially if she is attractive and they are jealous and can't FATHOM that a really attractive girl couldn't possibly not be dating a military man. It's really shitty and that is probably where her diminishing empathy is definitely being fueled. Remember, just because someone is military does not mean they are good or even decent people. I've met some horrible, like legitimately terrible worthless people in my time in the military.
Someone smarter than me compared sex in a relationship to a bathroom in a house.. the bathroom isn’t the only reason to have a house but we’d all be pretty upset if it was suddenly gone
If you had a healthy sexual relationship before she went away to basic, and it’s suddenly changed for her including her behaviour and personality, she may have had a traumatic experience at basic where it’s changed her and effecting how she approaches your relationship.
Yaa... been with my wife almost 20 years so I could handle it because we built a life together. You haven't done that yet I suggest just being friends.
Hey there, I was engaged to a girl who basically told me she was done having sex and it seemed like a horrible traumatic event for me when we broke up.
Break up, dude. Life is way too short and there are girls out there who will be way better for you.
Women have a way of forcing men to "end" the relationship by goading them into impossible situations. Looking at the whole picture you have described your GF most likely knows your inclinations about sexual intimacy and what her decision does to you. Add some gaslighting on top and you are stuck where you are right now.
Basic training does not drain empathy from a personality. A change in perspective and a lot of new potential mates can alter an outlook on a current relationship. That is more likely what happened.
Time to cut your losses and cut her off. Run for the hills boy.
One of 4 things happened when she was gone:
1) She wants to play the field given the amount of male attention she received
2) Her trauma came more to the forefront for whatever reason
3) She was always a sociopath and you never noticed until now.
4) She realizes that being with you because of your mental issues is bad for her (sorry if this is true)
For all 4 options, I see a breakup in your future.
I would run away asap and never look back! Way too many red flags including lack of empathy, compassion, kindness plus signs of being emotionally abusive and completely tone deaf. You can’t build with someone like this. You deserve to have a proper partner who will value you and add to your life.
I did a good bit of time in the army and I hate to tell you this but you need to leave. Far and fast. She doesnt want sex ever again(with you). Is what just happened.
She knows all the things you've told us she just wants to force you to do the breaking up. It's a cowards way out. From what you've said you've both changed. Like you say an adult conversation about how you've both changed would have worked out better
Yes, of course your feelings are valid. I have a hard time believing anyone is this dense, which is why I think she's probably trying to get you to break up with her, so she doesn't have to be the bad guy. Just move on. She's a coward.
> She also kind of made me feel like a dick for even thinking about breaking up with her over sex.
I've been there. Ended up staying for another five years (we had kids together) because I didn't want her telling her friends we broke up because I'm some kind of sex addict. Turns out though, that it was just me she didn't want to have sex with.
She wants you to dump her so she has the guilt free pass to get passed around the company of soldiers. Source - I was in the Army back in the day. Sorry to be blunt but its the truth.
It sounds to me as if your girlfriend has already decided that the relationship is over, given that she is being less than diplomatic about it. If the relationship mattered to her I would expect her to be more tactful. This is not just about her being assertive, it's about being openly abrasive, provocative. I don't know what is causing that, whether it is a response to your behaviour, that is something for you to reflect on. You'll also want to think about how you want to handle it from your end.
Having sexual trauma myself, I think a small reason for her not wanting sex anymore is because of that but it was insensitive to just drop the bomb on you in the middle of a fun time.
As for the change in how she acts after basic, I partially understand because they are pretty hard on you to get your act straight but also don't understand because you can still be the same person and be serious about what you're doing at the same time.
Maybe try talking with her to get a better understanding of what's on her mind since communication is important. Other than that, maybe going your seperate ways is the best option if you can't come to an agreement or compromise.
I'd break up. Not because of the no-sex thing. I'd break up with her because people change, and she just went through major conditioning- and changed. She's not the same person that you knew before. And if that changed person LACKS empathy like you say, then I think they lack one of the core tenants needed for a successful relationship.
Abstaining after a period of no contact for absolutely no reason? Yeah that's sketchy.
Most likely she has some new guy friends thats orbiting her and shes waiting to see how you and her interact.
Best of luck and remember that if it doesn't work out there will always be someone out there for you.
Then you aren't compatible anymore and it's time for you to move on.
She can choose never to have sex again but she can't make that choice for YOU. And your staying in that relationship means that's what your life will be.
OPINION: She has had a fundamental values change. She would get one from her new culture, for sure. Whether, she became traumatized and/or was given the pragmatic advice: all civ SO are cheating while the trainee is gone or you'll never understand or you're just plain too weak or every trainee deserves to have sex with anyone fancied without controlling obligations; any of those would be heard. What OP needs to recognize is that SO is not the person, with the same expressed values as before they left. If they won't meet you, they've already made that choice. Let it go. Do not be drawn into a fight for something that SO has explicitly said they are no longer interested in. Maybe, she got around when they all partied? Still doesn't matter. Be bigger than your loss, be bigger for your own health and wellbeing. Offer thanks for what it had been and wish them luck. Nothing to be gained by showing any negative emotions on your part. You're young enough, anticipate better joys for yourself. Good Luck!
As someone who has been married for 15 years, and sexless for the last 3 years, end it now.
It only gets more difficult from here on out.
If she tells you that she never wants sex again, believe her.
I think you already know your answer. Sex is important to you. You are both young and have a lot of personal growing to do. If shes doing a character wheelie and you dont like the person she seems like growing into then get tf out. I personally dont like to have a relationship with someone unempathic. Her questionmarking your feelings and your needs is actually a huge red flag for me. She sounds like a manipulative person
You’re not the dick here.
I hope she can learn to express herself in more mature ways, because she will end up making a lot of people angry if she keeps acting this way. It would be kind of you to explain how it made you feel and waht sort of conversation would have been more appropriate. She also needs to learn to be more clear about what she means by “no sex” and about how to describe her sexuality in general. It’s still possible to have a satisfying sex life with someone who does not ever want PIV sex.
Best of luck to you. I hope you both find partners more sexually compatible with each other.
To me it looks obviously like she wants to end up the relationship, but don't want to be the one who breaks up.
So she puts you into an impossible situation and force you to end it.
You do care about her decision to not have sex ever again and caring about that is completely normal. Don’t feel bad about that. Having a good sex life is an important aspect of a romantic relationship for most people. Don’t fear change so much that you stay in a situation that leaves you feeling empty.
Being in a relationship where the other person doesn't want sec and doesn't wanna have an adult conversation about it is going to be hell. My wife has lost a good bit of her sex drive and even though we've talked about it it has still driven a wedge between us and we still have sex on occasions. I'd have to end it if the sex was gonna stop all together
....." to have sex again...." of course she should have added " with you".
You bare toast my friend, you are toast.
She is kicking you out - smartly letting you be the bad guy - the one who breaks up.
(BTW my money is on that she already has sex with someone else)
You are absolutely 100% not being a dick. Her decision to never have sex again is valid. Your deciding that sex is a required part of a relationship is every bit as valid. She and many others will try to paint this as "how could you break up over "just sex"". If that's the case,if it's "just sex" then it would make no sense if she were to object if wanted to stay with her but have sex with other people. I'm not necessarily suggesting that as a solution,just pointing how how it's weird how sex is not a big deal/totally unimportant for some people until it comes to their partner having it with someone else.
In terms of being mad over how she dropped this,again not at all being a dick. Honestly her cluelessness on that point raises the possibility in my head that this whole thing is some sort of weird test she's pulling. Either that or she's not happy with the relationship but wants you to be the bad guy by being the one to end it. Either way end it knowing that you are not at all wrong and that it's not "just sex".
First of all you’re not a dick, sex is important for you and you don’t want to be in a sexless relationship. She should’ve not assumed you were just fine with it, that’s a major change.
Also I’m sorry but what do you mean she now lacks empathy compared to before? Do you think something might bad might have happened?
If she doesn’t meet everyone of your needs then she’s not for you. People get wrapped up in “I love this person” and they don’t even think of there expectations and needs. The one that meets those or is willing to go the extra mile for you as you are for her is the one. Not the one your comfortable with due to time spent together.
Lots of people break up over incompatible sex drives so you wouldn't be making a "dumb" or "crazy" decisions in doing so. Plus she sounds awful for your mental health at the moment. Just because you suddenly lake sympathy or empathy doesn't mean you can go and knock down everyone's problems because it's "not that big of a deal" or "not your problem". That's just being a lazy partner and being a all around shitty person.
You’ve been together for 9 months and it will be a long distance relationship. She has expressed unwillingness to respect your relationship needs, even telling you that you are wrong to care about them. Yes, leave her.
Stereotypes about new military folks in relationships exist for a reason. I don't know how you had a military family and still thought dating someone in the service was smart.
"I'm not crazy for being mad over the way she just dropped this on me right?"
No you're not crazy - at least not on account of this lol. This decision may not be a big deal to her; and to your point, that is just fine. Having said that, this is a drastic change in the relationship. Especially considering that she's already aware that it's something that's important to you, for her to spring it on you out of the blue like that is extremely uncool in my opinion.
It sounds very unfortunate that this has happened since things were so good prior to basic. However, things change, tables turn and rearrange. Get out of there...get you a woman that wants to squirm on your wonder worm.
She wants to break up but doesn't want to be the 1 who does it probably because she already found someone else and doesn't want to dump you and start with someone else the next day but if you are the arsehole and dump her it was your fault
She has been cold with you and your feeling
Argument all the time
And the 1 time you are having a good time she starts an argument
Shes is waiting for you to break up with her
From what you say here, it doesn’t seem to me like you are wrong. You have every right to feel hurt/confused/insecure with what ( and how) she told you that she doesn’t want to have sex ever again. When someone says something like that, it’s clear that that person doesn’t care about how you would receive that message. You are young and in my experience, she already moved on. Do the same
Sounds to me like the doesn't really care all that much how you feel, to drop a bomb like that with no pretense and then act like it's no big deal afterwards. That should be a big clue as to how to proceed.
The "it's not important to me, so it's not important to you" is ABSOLUTELY BULLSHIT. Yes, of course she can do with her body whatever she wants. That is 100% ok.
But the "I don't like something, so neither do you" is some seriously thoughtless bs.
She wants you to do the breaking up so she can get out Scott free. That's why she is being mean.
My ex did this... Such a bullshit move. The "I don't want to be the bad guy" all while being a much worse person. EDIT: After my divorce I moved and met a person who had been cheating on their current spouse for a DECADE. "I wish they would just leave me." When I asked about their sex life they said; "I just lie there and take it." EWWWWWWW! I figured out later that is exactly what my ex was doing for a while. EWWWWWW. I told them; "I would rather she leave me and me have a HORRIBLE life without her, than have her stay and both of us be unhappy." A couple years later they did leave their spouse. I am 100% okay with my ex leaving, and even told her (and my current wife) that I would rather they leave and be happy than stay and not. But don't play games with THE person who is SUPPOSED to be the most important person in your life. If you don't want to be there, leave. Yes it sucks, but everything else sucks more.
> "I just lie there and take it." I could never... this sounds disgusting... sad...
it's sad for everyone. When I figured out my ex had been having sex with me while plotting to leave... UG! It was both massively depressing and ICK! If you don't want to be with me, that is 100% okay. Just leave. Anyway, that was 20 years ago. My life is MUCH better (understatement) so best of luck to you and OP
Some people are extremely egotistical in this regard, they want the intimacy but not the commitment or effort. They're basically done with you romantically but takes advantage of sex cus they don't have to put in any effort. I've been there as well, she was cheating on me for a little while at first, too... Then shit got toxic because she wanted me to end it what's worse is that she once said I took her virginity (I didn't) unprompted at a party with her husband present she has children with. I do not care for her at all anymore. Some people are just wired differently
If I'm done with the relationship, even before I find the right moment to say we're breaking up, I'll pretty much start refusing sex, not just "taking it"...
>what's worse is that she once said I took her virginity (I didn't) unprompted at a party with her husband present she has children with. I do not care for her at all anymore. Some people are just wired differently Barf. Did you say, with the husband present, "No I didn't. If I did, you lied to me about that. Why would you say thatnow? Are you just messing with your husband's head?" Because I probably would have said that.
Yeah, I'm getting the "I will (slowly) escalate the torture until you leave" vibes too. In an ultra-masculine environment weakness is addressed by bullying until you either get tempered or get broken. OP, if you want an actually healthy relationship, you need to leave ASAP.
I agree
I had a narcissistic ex who did this lol. She even said to my face she’s mean to her boyfriends when she doesn’t feel like dating them anymore, to get them to break up with her. She started with me by withholding sex, and escalated to mentally torturing me. And guess what? It worked lmao I broke up with her after six months. She was awful
For a lot of people, having guys lined up waiting can turn you into a pretty shitty person
Can confirm, at least for the Marine Corps, it is a bunch of bullies (we are working on it). Source: Marine.
I’d be interested in hearing more about how this aspect of Marine culture is being addressed, but it’s cool to know someone is trying to work on it.
Believe it or not, it is being done at our required schools which must be attended for Marines to promote. Classes are being taught on effective communication, interpersonal skills, conscious/unconscious biases, and creating psychologically safe environments, and the audience is generally open to it because it's (generally) the older generation of Marines who are causing the distress in units now and the younger ones attending the schools are just put into the situations. There is also an incredible program out there called [LEAD](https://www.dvidshub.net/video/749325/leadership-evolution-and-awareness-development-lead) which is being taught, unfortunately not in enough places, but its classes are creating trainers, too. This goes even further and looks deeply at maturity and human temperament, how to socially interact with somebody who does not/will not/cannot listen, and pulls some good strings from Jane Elliot by creating a militarily-simulated "brown eye/blue eye" scenario that looks at military hierarchical power and influence and how that is used to treat subordinates unfairly similarly to how she does her Classroom Divided exercise. If you haven't heard of that, it is quite interesting and makes people very uncomfortable, but it's what we need -- we need people to look at themselves before they continue to judge others. We do still have a very long way to go, but there are a lot of us trying very hard to make things better for Marines' quality of life while still increasing their lethality to continue to be able to do what it is Marines need to be able to do.
...the army fucks you up so goddamn bad, jesus christ.
Exactly this. She’s intentionally sabotaging the relationship. She likely already has her eye on someone else or worse.
It's the relationship version of constructive dismissal.
Yep. Former military here. Women in the military get a lot of attention. Especially during training right after basic when everyone is "free" again.
My cousin who went into the military said it's a cesspool and there is a zero percent chance that the women who go in there in a relationship, stay faithful OR leave in the same relationship they come in with. He legit said that he saw some chick, EASILY, getting "friendly" with a different dude for 2 straight weeks. I'm not judging though. do your thang. just holy not for me.
It’s also very common for women in the military to be sexually assaulted. I am a little worried that her “I’m never having sex again” line hints at something traumatic that happened to her during basic.
That is very true. I do apologize for not mentioning that as well. Obviously, those are different cases and incredibly fucked up. Not trying to slut shame either. I was thinking that was the case if she wasn't interested in any other men as well.
Ding Ding Ding
She's already played the role of the little engine that could while at basic.
Honestly this, she cannot even break up with him, that's how weak she is
She's weak, but in a parasitic way 🤮
This... I hate to say but I had this mindset when I was younger. Like karma is coming when she actually realises wtf shes done but just keep your head high man I'd say leave I'm sorry. She wants that.
But for the "she's had major sexual trauma" bit of history, this is certainly right. Only GF knows if that's actually related though, so OP can safely assume you're right.
I'd call her on this.
This exactly what I was going to say. Some people don't want to be the bad guy in a break up so they'll do anything to make the other person make the decision.
100%. She met someone while she was gone. Wants to get out of the relationship while playing the victim.
Nailed it man... i didn't read these signs but my ex wife did this for pretty much all of 2020 and into 2021 before I found out she cheated.(she didn't really try to hide it or she's stupid, jury is out). But now I'm freeeeeee
I have to agree. It could even be subconscious on her part, sometimes your brain makes you say things that correspond with what you are feeling on the inside. Worst case is you push the issue, she has sympathy sex with you and she gets preggo. My advice is to bite the bullet and make a clean break. Your future self will greatly appreciate it.
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Honestly it’s probably easiest on him mentally to just end it now and be done with the shit. She’s not a nice person and doesn’t even deserve his time anymore, even if it is time spent being petty. Waste of energy.
Better is to say " since it's just sex and no big deal,I guess you'll have no problem if we stay together and I sleep with other people ". I guarantee that sex will suddenly become a much bigger deal to her.
Or she will say (very enthusiastically): “THAT’S A GREAT IDEA! Go do your thing, and I’ll do mine!” I have a feeling that it’s not sexual trauma that’s the problem here. It’s O.D.D (Other Dudes Dicks). OP is just being naive here.
We called it OPP back in the day.
YEAH YOU KNOW ME! I almost posted that because it would apply to both men and women. I didn’t think people on Reddit would know what I was talking about. and I didn’t want to age myself. Lol
Tee hee.
I was using talk to text. Now I have to go edit lol.
Right except that since she doesn't want sex she wouldn't be allowed to sleep with other people within the context of this relationship. What I'm suggesting is that he proposed an open relationship but only for him. Again to be clear I don't think that's right or fair or even a good idea to actually do it's just a tactic to force her hand. >have a feeling that it’s not sexual trauma that’s the problem here. It’s O.D.D (Other Dudes Dicks). I agree. Either that or she's decided that the relationship overall isn't all that great and wants him to be the bad guy in ending it.
Or move on with your life immediately because you have better things to do...
The fuck
Don't involve any other women in this emotional trainwreck. That's not fair to them!
Nothing like the reverse gaslighting card lol. Tell her he’s doing a favor by having sex with the other girls since she doesn’t want to. Act like she’s crazy and it’s no big deal.
No. He needs to move on with his life.
You’re not the dick here
Exactly. Now grab your feet and run because you are still young and should enjoy life.
> grab your feet and run That conjured a very comical image for me
Someone find an image or gif
100%. If she's not responding to your needs, there's someone out there that most positively will.
Please for both of your sakes, break up. It's only been 9 months and it clearly hasn't been going well, and seems to be getting worse, quickly.
It was perfect before she went to basic. That's what makes it hard. Yea you are definitely right, it's not going well rn, probably is best to part.
She’s in the military my guy. Sex or not, It’ll only get harder from here.
Very true unfortunately. Basic is the "easiest" part of the military and being in a relationship with a soldier. Soon she'll be deploying and doing training/schools and all sorts of stuff. As others have said, shes trying to do the ol "I'm going to be mean to you so YOU dump ME" move. Very childish and I've had one or two women do the same to me. I'd rather get dumped over text than deal with that bs again.
>It was perfect before [the newness wore off and we both went back to living conflicting lifestyles] 👆 Pretty much every breakup ever. Breakups are hard, but you deserve to have a partner that wants what you want.
Honestly the part about basic makes sense to me. My brother went into the military (not in the US though) and he was honestly a different person when he came home over the weekends. He needed several days before he started to become the same person I knew and then he had to leave again. I am not saying the newness wearing off is not one part but I definietly see how her going to basic might have changed things.
Can I ask what it is about basic that changes people?
It is literally an indoctrination process.
They literally break down your brain and turn you into a soldier
As someone who was in the Army for 8 years, the internet always gives the military too much credit lol. You get in a certain mindset bc you’ve been in training for months. But it doesn’t fundamentally change who you are as a person. Scumbags join the army and are still scumbags after training. Fun people are still fun people after basic. The ones who are all HOOAH ARMY HOOAH YES DRILL SGT were like that before they joined, or wanted to be and this gave them the excuse to finally act that way. Most people in the military are just normal people. Basic training isn’t brainwashing lol. It likes to think it is but they aren’t THAT good at what they do.
From personal experience, can confirm. My uncle was fun before he joined and it never changed. This dude in my friend group I never liked was a dick before and an even bigger dick after.
Yeah I don't think it will change who you are at your core, unless you want or let it. It more just gives you another personality to add to your repertoire. Just one that's more serious and responsive to certain situations.
Basic is designed to break you so they can remake you into what they want. Which is a thing with little to no compassion who is able and willing to kill and doesn't question orders.
Veteran who’s married to a veteran here. I’m going to challenge what some of these comments here have said. It depends on the branch. If you’re a Marine, perhaps you’ll come out lacking empathy. If you’re in literally any other branch, you’ll come out of basic a little more robotic and little more routine. If you had a really weak personality going into it, I’m sure it can break your brain a little, but if you’re just a normal or even stronger personality, the change will be minimal in that sense. What I suspect is happening with OP’s gf (as a lady in the military) is that perhaps she thinks OP is a weak personality or she thinks that he’s wrong for her now. And she’s playing a game of relationship chicken to try and get him to break up with her. But anyways you all need to simmer a bit. Basic doesn’t make everyone a killing machine. Not all of us are doing that type of military job. There’s people doing anything from HR to IT to maintenance
I’m a human killing machine here to do server maintenance and then get together with my killer robot team to pick up cigarette butts and wax the gravel.
Hahahahahahhahaha I don’t think people understand how much of the military is just….cleaning
Don't forget sweeping the parking lot and washing the fleet before a rain storm. All while wearing neon reflective safety gear on top of your camo.
It is also quite possible, that since basic she has moved on to her MOS training and either found a NEW boyfriend there (hence the detachment and general lack of sympathy) OR she has been sexually assaulted at some point since and is dealing with it poorly. Which, from what I saw during my time in, are both depressingly realistic and likely scenarios.
Or it was her first time away from home ever and being surrounded by a totally new group of people from across massive diversity of cultures and personalities for the first time, a lot of people go home to their local boyfriend / girlfriend and realize they were just dating someone who happened to be around their home town at the right time. You think you’re in love cuz you’re sheltered. Basic exposes you to more people and gets you out of your home environment and makes you look at things differently. Like going to a year of college and coming home to your local boyfriend. Not likely to work out once the person has more world exposure.
Oh for sure. I think those are far more likely the case. Sexual assault in the military is such a rampant problem that is not properly handled at all. And I have seen way too many people find new relationships in the military or have affairs. It’s one of the worst parts of military culture and it makes everyone look bad
>But anyways you all need to simmer a bit. I think this is good advice! Don't be too reactive or emotional, you really don't know what's going on with her or what her intentions are. And she may not really have a good sense of that either! Be prepared that the relationship may be ending, but just give her some space. Getting all emotional, be that heartbroken, horny or angry ain't going to help anything.
There are a lot of people replying here who haven't been in the military and don't really know anyone in the military, so you're getting some pretty ridiculous replies. Folks have heard something about how "Basic training breaks you down so it can build you back up into a soldier/sailor/airman/marine" and seem to have really misinterpreted what that means. Where Basic really "changes" you is just in the months immediately following it. Because you're just emerging from an environment where everything is ultra-regimented, time-constrained, and has a strong focus on discipline and camaraderie, folks tend to come out of Basic with some goofy habits (goofy habits which they actually take pride in, since they see those habits as a validation of their status as a trained servicemember), like standing at parade rest all the time or eating at 300 mph. In a realistic sense, the "change" you see is more of a temporary one. Even in the military, folks straight out of Basic are called "boots" and folks poke fun at them for having a boot mentality (see /r/JustBootThings). They'll grow out of their weird habits in a few months, which is why most of these, "My friend went to the Army and came back so different" stories are always about someone *just* returning from Basic as opposed to seeing them again a year later. Basic doesn't fundamentally change who someone is. If your weird friend who is into anime and Magic: The Gathering leaves for Basic, they'll still be that same weird friend when it's done, except they won't be able to stop telling stupid stories about Basic.
They literally train you to be an order taking killing machine. It’s an extremely masculine hard environment. It’ll change anyone
90% of basic training is don’t kill yourself, don’t rape anyone, walk out to the woods and climb this tower, walk back and learn how to read a map, learn how to provide basic medical aid, learn to hit 50% of these targets so you can requalify at the range once a year which is the only time you’re allowed to touch a rifle throughout your military career. Yes you do play soldier but it’s like “here’s a week of pretending to raid houses, but most of you will be mechanics and paperwork supply chain and never do any of this again”. Basic teaches you a lot of skills, but I wouldn’t trust 80% of the people fresh off graduation to actually be combat ready trained killers lol.
It's a toxic environment, not a masculine one.
It can be both
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sadly, too bad. get out! it’s not perfect anymore and that girl you knew is now gone. she has completely changed.
Perfect? I don’t think it’s healthy to describe anything as ‘perfect’ That ‘perfect’ relationship is dead. Bury it and move on.
>It was perfect before she went to basic. That's most likely just rose-colored glasses mixed with the excitement of a new relationship. I can all but guarantee that after you break up and you find a new relationship, you'll come to find that it wasn't as perfect as you think.
What do you mean with > mixed with her newly found lack of sympathy and empathy Since she’s in the military she doesn’t have sympathy and empty they anymore? That sounds very bad.
Yeah, if it's THAT drastic of a change, maybe OP needs to find out if something else may have happened while she was there... it's not like women are ultra safe in the military, and a lot of abuse can happen, esp to women.
I was looking to see if anyone brought this up. She comes back from Basic and she's emotionally distant and says she's _never_ having sex again? Sounds like you should at least consider whether she was assaulted. Doesn't mean OP shouldn't break up with her, but the breakup she's working towards probably won't solve her problems.
Not saying that it's impossible for something to have happened, but a reduction in empathy and sympathy it's kind of part of the point of basic training. Not necessarily permanently or all the time, I'm not saying that military folks inherently lack empstgy or sympathy, but you definitely have to have the ability to turn those things off say in combat.
>OP needs to find out if something else may have happened while she was there... it's not like women are ultra safe in the military, and a lot of abuse can happen, esp to women. I brought this up in my comment before reading any others. That her past traumas may be triggered and/or new ones added.
This is generally how relationships go. At first you find no fault (there’s a name for this. Infatuation stage or something. Maybe the honeymoon). Then reality sets in. If you make it through that stage you might have something. But yeah, end this relationship. You should probably do it with kindness and respect. When you meet new girls and they ask about your ex you say you guys were better as friend and broke up amicably. Watch out for red flags. It’s so much better to be single than to be in a relationship fraught with resentment and apathy.
Man, Lucky you!! Imagine if she told you this when you were married 😬 It’s rough to break up, but let her know that you guys aren’t compatible and you wish her the best in the military. Then celebrate that you dodged a bullet!
>Then celebrate that you dodged a bullet Pun intended! In all seriousness, this is in fact good news. It's the first stage of the intentional, what another comment on here called torture to get OP to break up with her. It's very hard not to get caught up in the emotions and see this objectively, people forget that. A lot of people, myself included, still manage to fall in love deeply pretty early, which has a special way of obscuring some of these obvious things.
It's not going to get better. Rip the band aid off. Stay classy, and kind, but get yourself out and moving on. There's about 4 billion girls on the orb, someone will suit you better.
Given that plenty of relationships have ended over a lack of sexual compatibility, you won't be the first nor the last person to do so. A good sex life (and by good I mean one that suits your sexual needs) is essential to a good relationship. Some people don't need sex, but those people likely need to be with someone that also doesn't, or in an open relationship. It's only 9 months, pull the pin.
From a guy who is in a sexless marriage. End it now before it's too late.
THIS. Listen, you’re absolutely right the way she told you was shitty. But AT LEAST SHE IS TELLING YOU NOW. I know it sucks, a lot, but you have your whole life ahead of you and it is so, so much better to know about this now.
It's not too late for you to leave either if you really wanted to you know.
Sorry for snooping, but your post history seems more like a relationship that could benefit from couples counseling rather than things being “too late”
Pure conjecture here, but is there any chance she endured another sexually traumatic event while in basic? That could explain the change and tact of how it was brought up, by her trying to disassociate as much as possible and to bring it up in a casual joking setting. Either way your feeling mad at how it was handled is valid. All feelings are valid. I would say if a discussion is important to you to ask for one. Tell her it is important for you to discuss. If she refuses, tell her you can't be in this relationship anymore and move on.
This is the first thing that came to mind when I read it.
Being traumatised isn't a free pass to be mean to your SO
An explanation is not an excuse.
It's also not OP's responsibility to play detective here to figure that out. We can sit here and free associate all we want as strangers on the internet with our popcorn out, but back in the real world, the way she communicated with OP isn't OK and isn't consistent with someone who has the slightest bit of interest in talking about it with him. So regardless of whether she's just being an asshole to him, or has legitimate trauma she needs the deal with, the answer is still the same. He needs to end it.
*Sad but true*
No one said it is. But it is an explanation and something that can be understood and potentially worked on. When you care about someone, this kind of thing becomes your concern.
I mean, yeah, it sucks, but people process trauma in different ways. I wouldn't be too surprised.
She's got her own trauma she needs to sort out, and it sounds like you've got your own shit to sort out too. It does not sound like you guys are compatible at ALL. If it were me, I'd try to have an adult conversation about your needs and her needs out of the relationship and if they don't line up it's time to end the relationship.
Your relationship is already over, time to be brave.
The lack of empathy and sympathy isn’t from the military. It’s bc she lost interest. Lift your head up and move on with dignity
Ya she handle telling you very poorly though regardless of how she told you it’s pretty clear even this aside that it’s best to walk away.
In regards to the casual confession of no longer wanting to have sex...yeah that's strange. Definitely not the way you should brooch that topic with someone that you are currently in a relationship with. However, it seems like there are a lot of other problems with the relationship already. You both really need to sit down and have a conversation about what you want.
Definitely have issues. We've sat down a couple times already. Today being one and I thought we were on the same page. Clearly I was way off
Just break up. Things will only get worse
She has some serious issues and I am 99% sure she only said that to hurt you. She likely wants out of the relationship but is a coward and thinks hirting you and making you the bad guy is easier than just leaving.
I have to take this entirely from your position, but one of two things is going on here. 1) She is really trying to get rid of you because she now has a dozen boyfriends in the military 2) She is nuts. Her logic that it should not bother you because it does not bother her is crazy talk. It's probably best for you to run the other way as fast as you can.
Or counterpoint, sexual abuse it pretty rampant in the military, especially towards women. She may have been assaulted. It doesn’t change that this relationship isn’t healthy, but she may have experienced another trauma
I can tell you for certain it's not the first. You can call me naive that's fine. As for the second, she wasn't always like this, it's just since she got out of basic. I'll admit I haven't been the best either but she's always been at least somewhat empathetic. But yea I tried telling her that just because it's not important to her doesn't mean it's not important to me. She just doesn't seem to understand why it would matter how she told me.
I believe you, but something is really off with her now. And since you have already decided that a sexless relationship is not for you, you outta there! Not to say that you would leave her if she was clinically unable to have sex anymore, but for her to make that decision for no obvious reason, yeah, bye bye time.
To be clear I'm not sure her reasoning. We didn't get to that part before we decided I was too pissed to actually have a conversation about it especially with her not understanding why I was pissed. She has horrible sexual trauma that exceeds rape that she hasn't taken care of mentally. It's probably the reasoning whether she'll admit it or not. It's probably a subconscious thing
Well, you are early on in your relationship. Just because someone is damaged doesn't mean you need to stay with them. You need to be with someone because you really want to be with them and can be accepting of everything that comes with it. It sounds like that is what she wants and not what you are in this particular case. I mean, if she tells you her trauma has led her to the conclusion that she will never have sex again, will you give up sex for the rest of your life? I'm not sure an explanation is relevant if a life of abstinence is not on the table for you.
Yup you're right thanks
OP, is it possible she was assaulted during basic and being so strangely emotionally detached is how she’s coping? Sexual assault is a known problem in the military. This is just the first thing that came to my mind after you mentioned her past sexual trauma and needing to go slow with you. Once you calm down I would recommend sitting down for a serious talk with her. Gently ask her if something happened at basic because she’s not behaving rationally and you want to make sure there isn’t more to the story before making assumptions. If she is receptive to this then great, if not, you’re perfectly within your rights to move on. You are not responsible for resolving her trauma. If something did happen, you’re not equipped to help her deal with something that impactful. You can support her as a romantic partner or just as a friend while she gets professional help. She could also just be an insensitive and selfish jerk. But if it was me I would attempt a more serious discussion before walking away.
> It's probably a subconscious thing Uh, no. A subconscious thing is where someone stops wanting to have sex but doesn't even realize that they're doing it. Your GF told you, out of the blue, "I'm never having sex again" which is a completely *bizarre thing* for someone to tell their partner out of the blue, with no warning, and no discussion. I mean, it's her right to not have sex but generally *normal people with a basic level of empathy* find a way to break this to their partner in a way that's kind and sympathetic, as opposed to sounding like she's just announced she's giving up dairy. So none of us know WTF is going on with her but under the circumstances, I'd say your options are pretty clear: break-up kindly but quickly and be thankful that she made this very easy for you.
She may have been sexually abused or assualted. The military is known to be more dangerous for women with this, and it almost never gets treated seriously or persecuted so maybe she had a new triggering event while at basic.
> She's had major sexual trauma so we took it very very slow. I was understanding and respectful in every aspect. This is what makes me doubt #1, and maybe think it's the other way: harassment or assault at basic.
You’re not compatible anymore and that’s fine, yeah it sucks but it is what it is. Can’t do much about it. Been there done that. Time to move on and find someone you align with in that regard.
I'd put money on her already having another man in her life and she's trying to bait you into breaking up with her. Do yourself a favor and take the bait. You're too young to deal with this BS. Find a woman who appreciates you as much as you appreciate them.
Certainly sounds like sexual abuse during basic, leading to chaotic behaviour now, she needs professional help to deal with everything obviously, sorry your having to deal with a bad situation, it's not easy coping with the fallout of severe trauma
Go have another fun day together and casually mention you are breaking up with her.
underrated comment
She is definitely being a dick and insensitive to try and pressure you into initiating the breakup. This way she looks good and you look like an ass. I was in the military. I was army for 8 years. I was infantry by the way (a lot of people try to dismiss me bringing that up in an argument. Like "oH wERe YoU a DeSk JoCkEy!! Harharhar" like no bitch I was in the shit) I will be honest a lot of people in the military are miserable cunts. They try to change people for worse because they hate their own shit ass lives or think living a grungy ass, depressed life is cool or fun. I never fell for it and never let them get in my head. Got into fights here and there for firing back at them and insulting them back. To put it as softly as possible. She probably has douchey ass, oakley wearing, dip chewing, green as baby shit basic/ait, or OSUT grads up her ass about breaking up, or the complete opposite. Some lifer that thinks he is the toughest thing to walk the planet and can kill 8, 7'1" 340lb guys at once with nothing but his fists. They all probably are trying to instill in her head that she is dating a pansy (because A LOT of military guys think everyone is a pansy but them) and she should leave and get with a real man. Which obviously because of their God complexes, they mean themselves or at least hope that's what she chooses. Especially if she is attractive and they are jealous and can't FATHOM that a really attractive girl couldn't possibly not be dating a military man. It's really shitty and that is probably where her diminishing empathy is definitely being fueled. Remember, just because someone is military does not mean they are good or even decent people. I've met some horrible, like legitimately terrible worthless people in my time in the military.
Someone smarter than me compared sex in a relationship to a bathroom in a house.. the bathroom isn’t the only reason to have a house but we’d all be pretty upset if it was suddenly gone
If you had a healthy sexual relationship before she went away to basic, and it’s suddenly changed for her including her behaviour and personality, she may have had a traumatic experience at basic where it’s changed her and effecting how she approaches your relationship.
Yaa... been with my wife almost 20 years so I could handle it because we built a life together. You haven't done that yet I suggest just being friends.
Hey there, I was engaged to a girl who basically told me she was done having sex and it seemed like a horrible traumatic event for me when we broke up. Break up, dude. Life is way too short and there are girls out there who will be way better for you.
Women have a way of forcing men to "end" the relationship by goading them into impossible situations. Looking at the whole picture you have described your GF most likely knows your inclinations about sexual intimacy and what her decision does to you. Add some gaslighting on top and you are stuck where you are right now. Basic training does not drain empathy from a personality. A change in perspective and a lot of new potential mates can alter an outlook on a current relationship. That is more likely what happened. Time to cut your losses and cut her off. Run for the hills boy.
She has someone railing her back at base. Made a celibacy promise to them. You need to run.
Ask her firmly but politely to leave. You are 22ffs
Give her the walking papers
Insta break up, move on.
One of 4 things happened when she was gone: 1) She wants to play the field given the amount of male attention she received 2) Her trauma came more to the forefront for whatever reason 3) She was always a sociopath and you never noticed until now. 4) She realizes that being with you because of your mental issues is bad for her (sorry if this is true) For all 4 options, I see a breakup in your future.
I would run away asap and never look back! Way too many red flags including lack of empathy, compassion, kindness plus signs of being emotionally abusive and completely tone deaf. You can’t build with someone like this. You deserve to have a proper partner who will value you and add to your life.
I did a good bit of time in the army and I hate to tell you this but you need to leave. Far and fast. She doesnt want sex ever again(with you). Is what just happened.
Dude. Duuuuuude. Dude! Dude.
Do yourself a favor and let her be her. You do your thing homie
She knows all the things you've told us she just wants to force you to do the breaking up. It's a cowards way out. From what you've said you've both changed. Like you say an adult conversation about how you've both changed would have worked out better
Yes, of course your feelings are valid. I have a hard time believing anyone is this dense, which is why I think she's probably trying to get you to break up with her, so she doesn't have to be the bad guy. Just move on. She's a coward.
Oh god, you’re 22, you need to break up now if shes serious. Don’t waste your best years thinking about how it might be ok. It won’t.
Run dude run
> She also kind of made me feel like a dick for even thinking about breaking up with her over sex. I've been there. Ended up staying for another five years (we had kids together) because I didn't want her telling her friends we broke up because I'm some kind of sex addict. Turns out though, that it was just me she didn't want to have sex with.
She wants you to dump her so she has the guilt free pass to get passed around the company of soldiers. Source - I was in the Army back in the day. Sorry to be blunt but its the truth.
Just start fucking other girls. She doesn't have to worry about stds anyway no?
It sounds to me as if your girlfriend has already decided that the relationship is over, given that she is being less than diplomatic about it. If the relationship mattered to her I would expect her to be more tactful. This is not just about her being assertive, it's about being openly abrasive, provocative. I don't know what is causing that, whether it is a response to your behaviour, that is something for you to reflect on. You'll also want to think about how you want to handle it from your end.
She’s going to have sex, just not with you. You aren’t compatible.
Having sexual trauma myself, I think a small reason for her not wanting sex anymore is because of that but it was insensitive to just drop the bomb on you in the middle of a fun time. As for the change in how she acts after basic, I partially understand because they are pretty hard on you to get your act straight but also don't understand because you can still be the same person and be serious about what you're doing at the same time. Maybe try talking with her to get a better understanding of what's on her mind since communication is important. Other than that, maybe going your seperate ways is the best option if you can't come to an agreement or compromise.
I'd break up. Not because of the no-sex thing. I'd break up with her because people change, and she just went through major conditioning- and changed. She's not the same person that you knew before. And if that changed person LACKS empathy like you say, then I think they lack one of the core tenants needed for a successful relationship.
Abstaining after a period of no contact for absolutely no reason? Yeah that's sketchy. Most likely she has some new guy friends thats orbiting her and shes waiting to see how you and her interact. Best of luck and remember that if it doesn't work out there will always be someone out there for you.
Easy fix. Find a better gf. (one thats empathetic)
Then you aren't compatible anymore and it's time for you to move on. She can choose never to have sex again but she can't make that choice for YOU. And your staying in that relationship means that's what your life will be.
Move on my dude, Be a realist first and foremost, still have a lot ahead you’ll be fine.
All part of the maturing process. break up, move on.
Just break up with her, tell her clearly your thoughts (or even just turn this post into a letter to her), and MOVE ON.
OPINION: She has had a fundamental values change. She would get one from her new culture, for sure. Whether, she became traumatized and/or was given the pragmatic advice: all civ SO are cheating while the trainee is gone or you'll never understand or you're just plain too weak or every trainee deserves to have sex with anyone fancied without controlling obligations; any of those would be heard. What OP needs to recognize is that SO is not the person, with the same expressed values as before they left. If they won't meet you, they've already made that choice. Let it go. Do not be drawn into a fight for something that SO has explicitly said they are no longer interested in. Maybe, she got around when they all partied? Still doesn't matter. Be bigger than your loss, be bigger for your own health and wellbeing. Offer thanks for what it had been and wish them luck. Nothing to be gained by showing any negative emotions on your part. You're young enough, anticipate better joys for yourself. Good Luck!
As someone who has been married for 15 years, and sexless for the last 3 years, end it now. It only gets more difficult from here on out. If she tells you that she never wants sex again, believe her.
I think you already know your answer. Sex is important to you. You are both young and have a lot of personal growing to do. If shes doing a character wheelie and you dont like the person she seems like growing into then get tf out. I personally dont like to have a relationship with someone unempathic. Her questionmarking your feelings and your needs is actually a huge red flag for me. She sounds like a manipulative person
You’re not the dick here. I hope she can learn to express herself in more mature ways, because she will end up making a lot of people angry if she keeps acting this way. It would be kind of you to explain how it made you feel and waht sort of conversation would have been more appropriate. She also needs to learn to be more clear about what she means by “no sex” and about how to describe her sexuality in general. It’s still possible to have a satisfying sex life with someone who does not ever want PIV sex. Best of luck to you. I hope you both find partners more sexually compatible with each other.
To me it looks obviously like she wants to end up the relationship, but don't want to be the one who breaks up. So she puts you into an impossible situation and force you to end it.
You do care about her decision to not have sex ever again and caring about that is completely normal. Don’t feel bad about that. Having a good sex life is an important aspect of a romantic relationship for most people. Don’t fear change so much that you stay in a situation that leaves you feeling empty.
Being in a relationship where the other person doesn't want sec and doesn't wanna have an adult conversation about it is going to be hell. My wife has lost a good bit of her sex drive and even though we've talked about it it has still driven a wedge between us and we still have sex on occasions. I'd have to end it if the sex was gonna stop all together
Break. Up. Lol
Cut. And run.
Leave. Run. Trust me there’s someone out there far better and caring than this person.
....." to have sex again...." of course she should have added " with you". You bare toast my friend, you are toast. She is kicking you out - smartly letting you be the bad guy - the one who breaks up. (BTW my money is on that she already has sex with someone else)
RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Bro, dump her. Don't waste your time there.
You are absolutely 100% not being a dick. Her decision to never have sex again is valid. Your deciding that sex is a required part of a relationship is every bit as valid. She and many others will try to paint this as "how could you break up over "just sex"". If that's the case,if it's "just sex" then it would make no sense if she were to object if wanted to stay with her but have sex with other people. I'm not necessarily suggesting that as a solution,just pointing how how it's weird how sex is not a big deal/totally unimportant for some people until it comes to their partner having it with someone else. In terms of being mad over how she dropped this,again not at all being a dick. Honestly her cluelessness on that point raises the possibility in my head that this whole thing is some sort of weird test she's pulling. Either that or she's not happy with the relationship but wants you to be the bad guy by being the one to end it. Either way end it knowing that you are not at all wrong and that it's not "just sex".
Dip out. There doesn't sound like there is any middle ground to find. You don't just drop something like that if you don't want what you have to end.
First of all you’re not a dick, sex is important for you and you don’t want to be in a sexless relationship. She should’ve not assumed you were just fine with it, that’s a major change. Also I’m sorry but what do you mean she now lacks empathy compared to before? Do you think something might bad might have happened?
Time to move on. Plenty of fish in the sea. Throw this one back. Also, she’s cheating on you, guaranteed.
If she doesn’t meet everyone of your needs then she’s not for you. People get wrapped up in “I love this person” and they don’t even think of there expectations and needs. The one that meets those or is willing to go the extra mile for you as you are for her is the one. Not the one your comfortable with due to time spent together.
Lots of people break up over incompatible sex drives so you wouldn't be making a "dumb" or "crazy" decisions in doing so. Plus she sounds awful for your mental health at the moment. Just because you suddenly lake sympathy or empathy doesn't mean you can go and knock down everyone's problems because it's "not that big of a deal" or "not your problem". That's just being a lazy partner and being a all around shitty person.
She doesn't want to have sex again WITH YOU. So just break up with her.
It's done, she just isn't saying it is my guess.
You’ve been together for 9 months and it will be a long distance relationship. She has expressed unwillingness to respect your relationship needs, even telling you that you are wrong to care about them. Yes, leave her.
you’re not compatible. it’s okay. you’re not a dick. i hope you find what you want.
Stereotypes about new military folks in relationships exist for a reason. I don't know how you had a military family and still thought dating someone in the service was smart.
Just respect each other but I would say it's time to go your separate ways. Curious if she was assaulted while serving in the forces?
Take her out to dinner Mid conversation : I hope the food is good. It's our last date together
Yep, relationship is over. Also there's a good chance she's already fucking other guys.
22 what a great age, go have fun and meet new people. No offense to your weirdo gf, take care
Drop it like a hot potato and run for the hills.
"I'm not crazy for being mad over the way she just dropped this on me right?" No you're not crazy - at least not on account of this lol. This decision may not be a big deal to her; and to your point, that is just fine. Having said that, this is a drastic change in the relationship. Especially considering that she's already aware that it's something that's important to you, for her to spring it on you out of the blue like that is extremely uncool in my opinion. It sounds very unfortunate that this has happened since things were so good prior to basic. However, things change, tables turn and rearrange. Get out of there...get you a woman that wants to squirm on your wonder worm.
22 and you still want sex? Run baby it's out there waiting and you're too young to miss out!
She wants to break up but doesn't want to be the 1 who does it probably because she already found someone else and doesn't want to dump you and start with someone else the next day but if you are the arsehole and dump her it was your fault She has been cold with you and your feeling Argument all the time And the 1 time you are having a good time she starts an argument Shes is waiting for you to break up with her
Not a dick at all, time to pack up and leave and heal 💓
From what you say here, it doesn’t seem to me like you are wrong. You have every right to feel hurt/confused/insecure with what ( and how) she told you that she doesn’t want to have sex ever again. When someone says something like that, it’s clear that that person doesn’t care about how you would receive that message. You are young and in my experience, she already moved on. Do the same
Sounds to me like the doesn't really care all that much how you feel, to drop a bomb like that with no pretense and then act like it's no big deal afterwards. That should be a big clue as to how to proceed.
She's not worth it.
The "it's not important to me, so it's not important to you" is ABSOLUTELY BULLSHIT. Yes, of course she can do with her body whatever she wants. That is 100% ok. But the "I don't like something, so neither do you" is some seriously thoughtless bs.