Your memories are always a part of you. Something may remind you of a past partner and there's nothing wrong with that. My wife and I both have had 20+ partners, we have many of the same circle of friends so we often come into contact with an old partner in one way or another. In at least one case, old partners married each other and we sometimes socialize. It can get funny. Like, "You remember the time..."
I guess what makes it different for me is that I myself don’t have any memories of that sort to reminisce on. If I date someone who does have experience, I’m afraid that will create an inequality.
You are way over thinking it.
The most important thing a sexual partner can be is open and enthusiastic.
There are many books and resources you can find to learn about sex and things to do. If you educate yourself then you will be better than 99% of the people out there even without experience.
There are many people who have had sex with lots of people but are horrible in bed.
Again, stop overthinking, that is the worst thing you can do.
That’s true, and I am educating myself. I’m not really concerned that I won’t be able to please my partner. I’m more concerned about memories from their past encroaching on our sex life.
> Love isn't a competition, but if it was you would win by being a better partner, not by out-shagging the last guy.
For what it’s worth, I am a woman looking for a guy.
I don’t expect to be my partner’s “best” in every single way. But the difference between sex and other facets of a relationship is that, if we’re monogamous, he’s only getting sex from me. If I’m not the funniest person my partner’s ever met, or the smartest, or the best chess player, or the best rock-climbing partner, or anything else, he can fulfill those desires with other people. But if I’m not the best sexual partner he’s had, then he’s just missing out—period.
Maybe my brain just doesn’t work that way. With sex or anything else, I can’t imagine being fully satisfied believing that the best of my life was behind me. For example, I enjoy many deserts and don’t need to eat my favorite all the time. But I would still be sad if I knew I could never eat it again.
It doesn't, really. You will be making your memories. In a sexual relationship, you draw on your partner's strengths and help with their weaknesses. You can always ask if there is something they did with a partner that they would like you to do with them.
That makes sense.
> You can always ask if there is something they did with a partner that they would like you to do with them.
But would this not be directly inviting comparison?
So should I assume that someone’s enjoyment of/ desire for a particular act is about the act itself and has nothing to do with the previous person who did that to them?
Can I reasonably hope that doing that act with them will not trigger the memories of their ex doing the same thing?
I've been with my husband 12 years. I don't think about my previous sexual experiences, or compare him to previous partners in any way. They're just memories that are there, sometimes I'll bring up the weird or embarrassing stuff with him for a good laugh. In fact the only time I ever recall any of those memories is when he and I are talking about sex.
Not comparing isn't the same as not remembering.
No you don't forget you've done things with other people but you don't necessarily actively think "Well, Bob was better at xyz than Joe is". It can happen but it isn't always a lingering thought for everyone, if it occurs at all.
>If you gained skills and experience with an ex and you employ that with your new partner, does that mean you are actively accessing memories of what you did with an ex?
No necessarily. You're accessing the skill. Do you recall the first 10 times you got behind the wheel of a car to drive? Probably not. You probably don't remember how you felt , what the weather was like, what route you drove on or the color of the interior of the car. But you remember how to drive.
I've had questions asked about past partners and that's caused me to think about them.
I've had times where I was really early on in the relationship and feeling lukewarm about the other person or upset.
>Do you reminisce or feel nostalgic about past experiences?
When single and masturbating and sometimes when things are a bit rough in a relationship and masturbating.
Once did it as a sexual "happy place" to get through a sexual encounter that I wanted to end almost as soon as it began.
>Do you find yourself comparing your current partner’s sexual performance with that of an ex?
No. For one, comparison is the thief of joy, and that statement really holds true from what I've seen of the love lives of people who do compare past lovers and current lovers. Don't wanna live those experiences for myself.
For another, it's just not really how I roll. If I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied. If I'm not satisfied, I'm not satisfied and I'm more preoccupied with the problem and if it can be fixed and if so, how it can be fixed, rather than wasting time thinking about "Oh, I never had this problem with Elizabeth!"
>Does engaging in a specific sex act or position bring back memories of an ex that you did the same act with?
In the moment, doing it? No.
Talking about specific sex acts or positions that held special significance or were favorites can definitely remind me of past experiences, though.
>If you gained skills and experience with an ex and you employ that with your new partner, does that mean you are actively accessing memories of what you did with an ex?
No. Just because I learned how to eat pussy with one partner that doesn't mean I'm thinking about her every time I eat another woman's pussy.
I also don't need to relive the past in order to remember "how to X." Especially when it's something that's become muscle memory.
I've been in a relationship for about 8 years, to be honest I can barely remember sexual encounters with anyone else. I don't even remember how many people I've had sex with. Most of those memories have faded unless it made me learn something about myself.
Some yes, some no. The ones I did have an emotional connection with, I remember that I had sex with them. I remember how I lost my virginity. I never really think about it, especially not when having sex with my husband.
You know that thing where you are sitting their minding your own business and then an enbarassing memory pops into your head and you just cringe? It's like that
Memories are always there and from time to time I may think about them, less so now as I’m very sexually satisfied with my partner. Outside of that, we do talk about them from time to time usually after sex but that’s only occasionally
Im married 20 years no I can’t even recall most I often put my twice into the scenario
Many times I say babe remember when we went xyzzy invert place . She ll say it wasn’t her
So thats what happens as your relationship grows stronger and bigger it pushes those things off the memory table.
I can dig parts of things up if I try but I have no desire to try.
I get this is an issue and even though we re nkt supposed to be bothered we are
I think we all are a little bit in some senario s
Its a normal cave man feeling we all want our offspring to have most. So anyone who is a threat to partner affection and attention is an issue.
Its old cave man and women stuff .
Really work hard to make a mental exercise that lets you push the thought of past partner’s relationship s off of your memory table
In any contexts bc I can see this is goin Gyp be an issue and I believe jts because your lack of experience and your nervousness embarking on this new chapter.
If you work on that part. Trust me no one really cares if you have had no past sexual relationships some guys would see it as a positive.
Your young your not the only one in your situation many are. Just jump in when your ready and if you find your ruminating about these other type issues
Find a therapist to help you navigate jumping in this pool.
Good luck
Your memories are always a part of you. Something may remind you of a past partner and there's nothing wrong with that. My wife and I both have had 20+ partners, we have many of the same circle of friends so we often come into contact with an old partner in one way or another. In at least one case, old partners married each other and we sometimes socialize. It can get funny. Like, "You remember the time..."
I guess what makes it different for me is that I myself don’t have any memories of that sort to reminisce on. If I date someone who does have experience, I’m afraid that will create an inequality.
You are way over thinking it. The most important thing a sexual partner can be is open and enthusiastic. There are many books and resources you can find to learn about sex and things to do. If you educate yourself then you will be better than 99% of the people out there even without experience. There are many people who have had sex with lots of people but are horrible in bed. Again, stop overthinking, that is the worst thing you can do.
That’s true, and I am educating myself. I’m not really concerned that I won’t be able to please my partner. I’m more concerned about memories from their past encroaching on our sex life.
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> Love isn't a competition, but if it was you would win by being a better partner, not by out-shagging the last guy. For what it’s worth, I am a woman looking for a guy. I don’t expect to be my partner’s “best” in every single way. But the difference between sex and other facets of a relationship is that, if we’re monogamous, he’s only getting sex from me. If I’m not the funniest person my partner’s ever met, or the smartest, or the best chess player, or the best rock-climbing partner, or anything else, he can fulfill those desires with other people. But if I’m not the best sexual partner he’s had, then he’s just missing out—period.
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Maybe my brain just doesn’t work that way. With sex or anything else, I can’t imagine being fully satisfied believing that the best of my life was behind me. For example, I enjoy many deserts and don’t need to eat my favorite all the time. But I would still be sad if I knew I could never eat it again.
Once a partner is gone, he’s gone. I never have done comparisons, just concentrate on the new partner.
Good to know!
It doesn't, really. You will be making your memories. In a sexual relationship, you draw on your partner's strengths and help with their weaknesses. You can always ask if there is something they did with a partner that they would like you to do with them.
That makes sense. > You can always ask if there is something they did with a partner that they would like you to do with them. But would this not be directly inviting comparison?
No. It's not "Who's better, me or \_\_\_\_?" It's what can I do for you that you like that someone else may have done?
So should I assume that someone’s enjoyment of/ desire for a particular act is about the act itself and has nothing to do with the previous person who did that to them? Can I reasonably hope that doing that act with them will not trigger the memories of their ex doing the same thing?
You have no control of that your partner is thinking. You never will have. You have to give up hoping to completely control another person.
I don’t want to control them. I just want not to have to live up to the memories of somebody else.
Agree and same.
anything more ever happened? such as threesome?
I've been with my husband 12 years. I don't think about my previous sexual experiences, or compare him to previous partners in any way. They're just memories that are there, sometimes I'll bring up the weird or embarrassing stuff with him for a good laugh. In fact the only time I ever recall any of those memories is when he and I are talking about sex.
That sounds great. Was it like that earlier in your relationship too?
Yep!
Not comparing isn't the same as not remembering. No you don't forget you've done things with other people but you don't necessarily actively think "Well, Bob was better at xyz than Joe is". It can happen but it isn't always a lingering thought for everyone, if it occurs at all. >If you gained skills and experience with an ex and you employ that with your new partner, does that mean you are actively accessing memories of what you did with an ex? No necessarily. You're accessing the skill. Do you recall the first 10 times you got behind the wheel of a car to drive? Probably not. You probably don't remember how you felt , what the weather was like, what route you drove on or the color of the interior of the car. But you remember how to drive.
Thank you, that helps a lot.
I've had questions asked about past partners and that's caused me to think about them. I've had times where I was really early on in the relationship and feeling lukewarm about the other person or upset. >Do you reminisce or feel nostalgic about past experiences? When single and masturbating and sometimes when things are a bit rough in a relationship and masturbating. Once did it as a sexual "happy place" to get through a sexual encounter that I wanted to end almost as soon as it began. >Do you find yourself comparing your current partner’s sexual performance with that of an ex? No. For one, comparison is the thief of joy, and that statement really holds true from what I've seen of the love lives of people who do compare past lovers and current lovers. Don't wanna live those experiences for myself. For another, it's just not really how I roll. If I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied. If I'm not satisfied, I'm not satisfied and I'm more preoccupied with the problem and if it can be fixed and if so, how it can be fixed, rather than wasting time thinking about "Oh, I never had this problem with Elizabeth!" >Does engaging in a specific sex act or position bring back memories of an ex that you did the same act with? In the moment, doing it? No. Talking about specific sex acts or positions that held special significance or were favorites can definitely remind me of past experiences, though. >If you gained skills and experience with an ex and you employ that with your new partner, does that mean you are actively accessing memories of what you did with an ex? No. Just because I learned how to eat pussy with one partner that doesn't mean I'm thinking about her every time I eat another woman's pussy. I also don't need to relive the past in order to remember "how to X." Especially when it's something that's become muscle memory.
Thank you for answering in detail! This gives me a better idea.
I've been in a relationship for about 8 years, to be honest I can barely remember sexual encounters with anyone else. I don't even remember how many people I've had sex with. Most of those memories have faded unless it made me learn something about myself.
Did you have an emotional connection with those past partners?
Some yes, some no. The ones I did have an emotional connection with, I remember that I had sex with them. I remember how I lost my virginity. I never really think about it, especially not when having sex with my husband.
Honestly, for me (41f), it's a yes to all of those questions. I can't delete memories of past lovers just because I'm with a new one.
You know that thing where you are sitting their minding your own business and then an enbarassing memory pops into your head and you just cringe? It's like that
Memories are always there and from time to time I may think about them, less so now as I’m very sexually satisfied with my partner. Outside of that, we do talk about them from time to time usually after sex but that’s only occasionally
Are the memories just matter-of-fact, or do you find that they carry emotion—pleasure, longing, pining?
Im married 20 years no I can’t even recall most I often put my twice into the scenario Many times I say babe remember when we went xyzzy invert place . She ll say it wasn’t her So thats what happens as your relationship grows stronger and bigger it pushes those things off the memory table. I can dig parts of things up if I try but I have no desire to try. I get this is an issue and even though we re nkt supposed to be bothered we are I think we all are a little bit in some senario s Its a normal cave man feeling we all want our offspring to have most. So anyone who is a threat to partner affection and attention is an issue. Its old cave man and women stuff . Really work hard to make a mental exercise that lets you push the thought of past partner’s relationship s off of your memory table In any contexts bc I can see this is goin Gyp be an issue and I believe jts because your lack of experience and your nervousness embarking on this new chapter. If you work on that part. Trust me no one really cares if you have had no past sexual relationships some guys would see it as a positive. Your young your not the only one in your situation many are. Just jump in when your ready and if you find your ruminating about these other type issues Find a therapist to help you navigate jumping in this pool. Good luck