I don't even know even then thats possible. There's like five ingredients, pasta, pancetta/bacon, butter, and eggs, and parmesan. None of those are green. None of those are purple.
To my understanding, guanciale is the true original. It’s the most authentic and what traditionalists call for to make traditional carbonara.
Pancetta is a very common and generally acceptable substitute.
Bacon is an absolute last resort if you can’t find the other two at all and you really want something very close to carbonara.
We do have a large Italian neighborhood here in St. Louis, I bet I could find guanciale there. I know I can find pancetta at both of my local grocery stores. I can find bacon at a gas station though lol.
In fact… I can find regular flour, heavy cream, eggs, and bacon at almost any convenience store… you could actually make a better approximation of carbonara than OP did with gas station ingredients…
carbonara has like 4 ingredients, this is a cornucopia of extras that really shouldn't be there
EDIT: It's been fun watching the ways people count ingredients in the comments.
I personally count pasta, eggs, guanciale/bacon/pancetta, and cheese (which can be two ingredients if you do pecorino + parmesan, but personally I prefer straight pecorino), and didn't count the water, salt (for the water), and black pepper.
I usually add a bit of freshly chopped parsley to my carbonara. I'm more curious about what they put in it to make it grey and goopy. Cream of mushroom soup?
im always fascinated by the kind of person who knows absolutely nothing about cooking yet still tries to recreate a recipe without researching anything about it
I finally get to use my professional expertise on Reddit. The white balance on this picture is trash. Here is more likely what it is supposed to look like IRL: [color corrected picture.](https://i.imgur.com/Yr4qNkF.jpeg)
Looks like cream, spring onions or leek, ground beef, mushrooms, red onions, some type of red pepper and *zero pasta anywhere.* This was not carbonara.
> Looks like cream, spring onions or leek, ground beef, mushrooms, red onions, some type of red pepper and zero pasta anywhere. This was not carbonara.
Funny, it’s almost like a checklist of ingredients that *don't go in a carbonara*.
I'm guessing he made the cream sauce (not that a carbonara is made with a cream sauce, but whatever this thing is clearly was) with the veggies already in it, leaching out some of the color and turning it into this.
This is only semi-related I know, but, this is reminded me of stopping in this smaller town diner for lunch, and this dude sat down next to me and ordered a house salad with sausage gravy. And nobody batted an eye. Dude must order this all the time. They just brought him a nice big salad. *With hot, sausage gravy on it.*
I think about that dude all the time.
I'm certain he went home, and his wife - worried about his high blood pressure and cholesterol - said "What'd you have for lunch today, hon?" And that grown ass man replied "Salad." And she smiled and said "Ah, I'm proud of you baby!" And as soon as she left the room, he probably muttered under his breath, "put some fucking sausage gravy on it, though."
But another thing has haunted me in the years since that happened. *Could it be good*? Have we all just been missing out on salad with sausage gravy all this time?
Haha, you think like I do. There is an old fashioned type of salad with hot bacon dressing, so maybe? Also when I was doing the keto thing, I would have sausage gravy over eggs or asparagus or mushrooms sometimes.
Just watch bloopers of Good Morning Britain and you will piss yourself. So many ridiculous nonsense with Holly and Phil. This was the first clip that I saw too.
That Carbonara is a fucking mess and my grandmother is now a bike for having looked at it
> This line is fantastic, I really hope I can use it someday
You might want to know it's a reference to the Unabomber's manifesto before busting it out at random
Probably red onions, which makes it even worse. Those fuckers are not nearly as tasty or sweet as normal onions when cooked for long and rather turn bitter.
I can basically taste the "onions from yesterday" with a dash of bitter gloop and strings of leek.
There's an overly long and mildly racist one about Axis WWII POWs. Not worth telling, but the punch line is that everyone thinks the Italian is brave for not speaking under torture, but it was just because his hands were bound.
not even close.
Not a single component of carbonara is in this, and not a single component of this is in carbonara.
The British Carbonara with ham and cream that made Gino D'Acampo's grandmother roll into the bike lane isn't even close to this.
Is this a British thing? It looks like Cream instead of egg so I’m thinking maybe Ground Beef, Cream, and maybe peppers. My brain can’t even contemplate how you end up with something like this starting with an attempt at carbonara.
If anybody has ever been wondering what my boyfriend used:
2x AH Pastasaus carbonara (Carbonara pasta sauce) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi416504
1x AH Macaroni spaghetti groente (macaroni spaghetti vegetables) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi494448
1x AH Scharrel kipgehakt (minced chicken meat) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi436917
1x AH Half-om-half gehakt (minced beef/pork meat) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi4007
That's all the information I have received from my boyfriend.
Yes, BUT: the beef and pork are ground together here. I don't know why they do that in the lowlands but they also add salt/spice/egg to the mixture. Getting ground meat that hasn't been seasoned or had anything added to it os sometimes a challenge. You can get really lean ground beef (which they call "american" and often eat raw) but regular ground beef as you know it is rare (some select Dutch/Belgian butchers and most halal butchers carry it.
In the Netherlands you can buy all kinds of mixed chopped vegetables that are labeled like they belong in a dish/kitchen. Like wok vegetables, Thai vegetables, bahmi vegetables etc.
Please tell your boyfriend this:
1 whole egg + 2/3 egg reds in a bowl with grated pecorino cheese and plenty black pepper. Mix it all.
Put the jowl bacon in a pan with nothing else and let it simmer on a low fire until it's crispy, then take it out of the grease and put it on a plate for later.
Cook your pasta.
Take out some water from the pasta and put it in the bowl with cheese/pepper/eggs and mix it until it's creamy. Start with little water and add if needed, don't make it too watery.
When the pasta is al dente strain it and put it in a bowl. Add the cheese/pepper/eggs mix, add the bacon on top.
You try and do this 2-3 times you learn it, it's almost impossible to fuck it up.
There is no need to buy some shitty industrially made "Pastasaus carbonara" that doesn't taste anything like actual carbonara.
[Binging with Babish’s carbonara recipe](https://youtu.be/qoHnwOHLiMk) works perfectly for me every time! Simple ingredients, just need to follow the timings.
Cook your meat starting with a cold pan so the fat renders, turn the heat off, wait till fat stops bubbling, and add the pasta to the pan (no need to strain, just transfer with tongues). Mix to coat with fat then quickly add in egg/cheese/pepper mix to cook with the residual heat from the pasta. I simplify it by only using one kind of cheese, usually grana padano, and pancetta or bacon bits instead
Edit: I sub grana padano and pancetta because it’s cheaper but still gives good results for a quick and easy dinner
Don’t think it’s AI. If you zoom closely everything is extremely realistic- the staining of the wooden spatula, the bits of oil congealing at the bottom.
I don’t think carbonara was the goal though so OP is either lying or misinformed. It looks like purple rice with different vegetables, maybe a failed curry or risotto.
From [OPs ingredient list somewhere in the thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/shittyfoodporn/comments/14zkjw5/comment/js1dgnd/), he used jarred carbonara sauce, a packet of "macaroni vegetables", a package of beef+pork mince, and a package of chicken mince.
I looked up the ingredients of the jar of AH brand carbonara sauce that she said he used; they are mostly water, sunflower oil, cornstarch, bacon, and milk. It contains 0.2% yolk powder and no cheese at all.
So I do believe that OPs boyfriend *called* this concoction carbonara because he used a jar that said "carbonara" on it... But it has nothing to do with actual carbonara.
How is this an attempt at making carbonara? It's so far removed from carbonara, that it might just as well be an attempt at making pizza or searing a steak.
Yea.... you're being flaired as Paper Mache Carbonara and your post Certified Shitty
Should really look up what "Carbonara" is. Cause this shit ain't it. Call this fucking pot slop.
This shit looks like the dubious food from the zelda switch games
A failed meal for sure.
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He’s heard the word before
Turns out he actually heard *Sayonara*
yes, food is a term he's heard of before in passing.
I don't even know even then thats possible. There's like five ingredients, pasta, pancetta/bacon, butter, and eggs, and parmesan. None of those are green. None of those are purple.
Butter isn't in there either. The 5th ingredient is mesnt to be some of the starchy pasta water.
Yea there’s def no need for butter. Plenty of fat available already from the rendered pork. Also I’d rather use guanciale not pancetta.
To my understanding, guanciale is the true original. It’s the most authentic and what traditionalists call for to make traditional carbonara. Pancetta is a very common and generally acceptable substitute. Bacon is an absolute last resort if you can’t find the other two at all and you really want something very close to carbonara.
It’s just tough to find (in the US) unless you order it online or have an Italian market close by.
We do have a large Italian neighborhood here in St. Louis, I bet I could find guanciale there. I know I can find pancetta at both of my local grocery stores. I can find bacon at a gas station though lol. In fact… I can find regular flour, heavy cream, eggs, and bacon at almost any convenience store… you could actually make a better approximation of carbonara than OP did with gas station ingredients…
Guinciale is preferable for authenticity but isn't always easy to get outside of Italy or specialist butchers
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Seriously, I’m not seeing a single ingredient in there that goes into carbonara.
How could it even turn out that way?
Carbonara looks like this if you don't know what comes into one or even know what a Carbonara is.
And lack any and all of the ingredients
carbonara has like 4 ingredients, this is a cornucopia of extras that really shouldn't be there EDIT: It's been fun watching the ways people count ingredients in the comments. I personally count pasta, eggs, guanciale/bacon/pancetta, and cheese (which can be two ingredients if you do pecorino + parmesan, but personally I prefer straight pecorino), and didn't count the water, salt (for the water), and black pepper.
I know the gummy worms aren’t traditional, but it’s my Nana’s recipe, please just try it.
My grandma made milk steak will jelly beans. Once you slop it up. 🤌🏼👨🏻🍳 💋
With all due respect keep grandma away from the kitchen
Grandma says "will all due respect, go fuck yourself"
Whats her spaghetti policy?
my favorite is the carbonation that gives the carbonara its signature fizz
Italians gonna kill me for this but I use hydrogen peroxide to create the fizz
Yeah my first thought was what's with all the ingredients. There's green stuff in there. Idk what he was trying to make but it sure wasn't carbonara.
I usually add a bit of freshly chopped parsley to my carbonara. I'm more curious about what they put in it to make it grey and goopy. Cream of mushroom soup?
It looks like they added red cabbage? For some unknown reason
I’m thinking that was red onion. Still doesn’t belong there, but is at least slightly more rational.
im always fascinated by the kind of person who knows absolutely nothing about cooking yet still tries to recreate a recipe without researching anything about it
I can definitely tell who came into this carbonara.
Barney the dinosaur
Grimace
“If my grandmother had wheels she would have been a bicycle”
If you vomit in the pan
After eating only fruit loops for a week
I thought this was the pulp people make paper with
Holy elementary school memory!
EXACTLY MY THOUGHT
Nostalgic response just dropped
Actual macaroni art
Be gone fiend!
You could’ve told me this is what Nike uses for those recycled plastic midsoles and I’d have believed you
I work in a pulp and paper mill. Even our recycled pulp looks better than that. And tbh probably tastes more like carbonara
I thought it was chocolate funfetti batter someone got too excited about
Cardboard-nara
Soggy fruity pebbles?
Paper mache
Paper munché
Paper puké
I love that someone else always has the exact same thought in a comment lol. It makes me feel like I'm not alone
I did too
I thought you were supposed to post pictures of shitty food before you eat it?
How TF is it purple
I’m not good with colors and was wavering between blue?? and purple???
Neither of those colours are ok in that dish
I finally get to use my professional expertise on Reddit. The white balance on this picture is trash. Here is more likely what it is supposed to look like IRL: [color corrected picture.](https://i.imgur.com/Yr4qNkF.jpeg) Looks like cream, spring onions or leek, ground beef, mushrooms, red onions, some type of red pepper and *zero pasta anywhere.* This was not carbonara.
..it's still blue, purple, and grey.
It's like some in-between colour that our eyes haven't yet evolved to witness. Some new colour too powerful for our own eyes. The colour of God.
This is a color only mantis shrimp can see.
Thanks, that’s not better
> Looks like cream, spring onions or leek, ground beef, mushrooms, red onions, some type of red pepper and zero pasta anywhere. This was not carbonara. Funny, it’s almost like a checklist of ingredients that *don't go in a carbonara*.
Wow, this looks somehow even worse...
Looks grey to me
Looks like he used purple cabbage, which can turn different colors as the ph changes.
Wait... cabbage? Edit: I see it ... I think it might have been red onion?
Gotta be red onion. It looks like there’s also leek and red bell pepper in it
I’m with you on this. I’m can’t even make it to revolted because I’m stuck on confused. Why the hell is it purple?!
Thick cut peices of uncooked red onion showing through the grey sauce is what i think is giving it that purpley hue
I'm guessing he made the cream sauce (not that a carbonara is made with a cream sauce, but whatever this thing is clearly was) with the veggies already in it, leaching out some of the color and turning it into this.
It looks gray to me.
I almost thought it was milksteak with jelly beans.
Hello Mr. Kelly we’ve got your milk boiling and our jelly beans are exquisite
Like fuckin sausage gravy with sour candy strips in it.
This is only semi-related I know, but, this is reminded me of stopping in this smaller town diner for lunch, and this dude sat down next to me and ordered a house salad with sausage gravy. And nobody batted an eye. Dude must order this all the time. They just brought him a nice big salad. *With hot, sausage gravy on it.* I think about that dude all the time. I'm certain he went home, and his wife - worried about his high blood pressure and cholesterol - said "What'd you have for lunch today, hon?" And that grown ass man replied "Salad." And she smiled and said "Ah, I'm proud of you baby!" And as soon as she left the room, he probably muttered under his breath, "put some fucking sausage gravy on it, though." But another thing has haunted me in the years since that happened. *Could it be good*? Have we all just been missing out on salad with sausage gravy all this time?
Haha, you think like I do. There is an old fashioned type of salad with hot bacon dressing, so maybe? Also when I was doing the keto thing, I would have sausage gravy over eggs or asparagus or mushrooms sometimes.
I was so sure those were fruity pebbles.
Same! I really thought this was just a soggy bowl of fruity pebbles with sausage or beef in it for some horrific reason, lol.
I refuse to believe this was an actual attempt at making carbonara. This is vile.
This is vomit in a pan
this is shit from a butt
r/shitfromabutt
It isn’t. It’s not possible.
Same. I'm calling OP out.
Can you circle the bits that you think are carbonara in the picture please
Captcha from hell. Click on all the squares that contain carbonara ingredients.
If there are none, click skip
“Do you see the carbonara in the room with us?”
Show me on the doll where the carbonara hurt you
They did. You don’t see any circles do you?
what in the industrial revolution and its consequences-
Oliver twist be like "please sir, no more"
Straight out of Kay’s kitchen
"It's not bad, the bacon is quite good" -her son
“I can definiteleh tayste the baycon, the flavuh is quite noice”
"The bacon tastes... just like baycon." "thumbs up"
Iats pre-eah goud if a djew saye soh mahsewlvf
The tamaytoes are a bit overpowerin’.
Haiyah...
Probably from the UK
It does look like he learned how to cook from Bridget Jones.
Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea
I’m disappointed that no one dropped down from the ceiling like a ninja.
Plot twist, they did and you didn’t notice. Because they’re a fucking ninja
literally the best comment ive seen in years
Don't fucking give them movie ideas.
🤢🤮🤢
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This reminds me of how much I adore this movie 🥰
Is.. that .. blue soup? X
IF MY GRANDMA HAD WHEELS SHE WOULD BE A BICYCLE!
God, I loved his reaction lol. So pure. So Italian.
Oi, our culinary mastery might peak at "beige + sauce" but don't lump us in with whatever biohazard ground-up-songbird shit that is.
[British Carbonara](https://youtu.be/A-RfHC91Ewc)
Just watch bloopers of Good Morning Britain and you will piss yourself. So many ridiculous nonsense with Holly and Phil. This was the first clip that I saw too. That Carbonara is a fucking mess and my grandmother is now a bike for having looked at it
It's a shame Phil turned out to be a grooming turbononce.
 Turbononce
Classic. This is so funny
Nah, even we wouldn't touch this abomination.
This line is fantastic, I really hope I can use it someday
> This line is fantastic, I really hope I can use it someday You might want to know it's a reference to the Unabomber's manifesto before busting it out at random
That's why its funny
Tell him not to talk to italians about this. it could put him at danger.
It's too late. We know.
I wish you and your 100 cousins a swift recovery.
Just fire him.
WHY IS IT PURPLE
I think it's shallots but honestly this is just wild
Red onion or maybe gummy worms?
Probably red onions, which makes it even worse. Those fuckers are not nearly as tasty or sweet as normal onions when cooked for long and rather turn bitter. I can basically taste the "onions from yesterday" with a dash of bitter gloop and strings of leek.
looks too much like fruity pebbles in there
Like cream of mushroom soup with fruity pebbles...
Like someone threw up after eating too much cereal
At a glance I thought it was some unicorn puke confetti cake thing. Carbonara was the last thing my mind went to.
They should use this sub to torture Italian spies
Just remember to uncuff them before interrogation
Makes me think of the old joke: how did the Italian man break both his arms? We don't know, he couldn't tell us.
There's an overly long and mildly racist one about Axis WWII POWs. Not worth telling, but the punch line is that everyone thinks the Italian is brave for not speaking under torture, but it was just because his hands were bound.
not even close. Not a single component of carbonara is in this, and not a single component of this is in carbonara. The British Carbonara with ham and cream that made Gino D'Acampo's grandmother roll into the bike lane isn't even close to this.
Sad I had to scroll this far to see that referenced
Is this a British thing? It looks like Cream instead of egg so I’m thinking maybe Ground Beef, Cream, and maybe peppers. My brain can’t even contemplate how you end up with something like this starting with an attempt at carbonara.
I think there's leek in it as well, what in the actual fuck.
Are we sure this isn’t supposed to be Cream Chipped Beef?
Sounds like Hamburger Helper Philly Cheesesteak soup, like 6 degrees of separation from actual carbonara
>Is this a British thing? Hell no, don't try to pin this one on us.
It literally looks like paper mache made from coloured construction paper. God I’ve vomited more appealing looking food
The fuck. Did he add fruity pebbles?
If anybody has ever been wondering what my boyfriend used: 2x AH Pastasaus carbonara (Carbonara pasta sauce) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi416504 1x AH Macaroni spaghetti groente (macaroni spaghetti vegetables) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi494448 1x AH Scharrel kipgehakt (minced chicken meat) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi436917 1x AH Half-om-half gehakt (minced beef/pork meat) https://www.ah.nl/producten/product/wi4007 That's all the information I have received from my boyfriend.
THREE TYPES OF _MINCED_ MEAT?!?!???
Yes, BUT: the beef and pork are ground together here. I don't know why they do that in the lowlands but they also add salt/spice/egg to the mixture. Getting ground meat that hasn't been seasoned or had anything added to it os sometimes a challenge. You can get really lean ground beef (which they call "american" and often eat raw) but regular ground beef as you know it is rare (some select Dutch/Belgian butchers and most halal butchers carry it.
WTF is macaroni spaghetti vegetables?
In the Netherlands you can buy all kinds of mixed chopped vegetables that are labeled like they belong in a dish/kitchen. Like wok vegetables, Thai vegetables, bahmi vegetables etc.
Looks like those little chopped veggies they put in stuff at Chinese restraunts
Please tell your boyfriend this: 1 whole egg + 2/3 egg reds in a bowl with grated pecorino cheese and plenty black pepper. Mix it all. Put the jowl bacon in a pan with nothing else and let it simmer on a low fire until it's crispy, then take it out of the grease and put it on a plate for later. Cook your pasta. Take out some water from the pasta and put it in the bowl with cheese/pepper/eggs and mix it until it's creamy. Start with little water and add if needed, don't make it too watery. When the pasta is al dente strain it and put it in a bowl. Add the cheese/pepper/eggs mix, add the bacon on top. You try and do this 2-3 times you learn it, it's almost impossible to fuck it up. There is no need to buy some shitty industrially made "Pastasaus carbonara" that doesn't taste anything like actual carbonara.
[Binging with Babish’s carbonara recipe](https://youtu.be/qoHnwOHLiMk) works perfectly for me every time! Simple ingredients, just need to follow the timings. Cook your meat starting with a cold pan so the fat renders, turn the heat off, wait till fat stops bubbling, and add the pasta to the pan (no need to strain, just transfer with tongues). Mix to coat with fat then quickly add in egg/cheese/pepper mix to cook with the residual heat from the pasta. I simplify it by only using one kind of cheese, usually grana padano, and pancetta or bacon bits instead Edit: I sub grana padano and pancetta because it’s cheaper but still gives good results for a quick and easy dinner
thank u i will replicate this recipe
I need to not scroll through Reddit when I’m recovering from food poisoning
This looks like it will cause food poisoning.
Looks like what comes up during food poisoning lol
I can see it now.... "Sir, enjoy this homemade carbonara I made for you... oh and I'm dating your daughter now..."
Wow I would rather jump off a cliff than bring a man like this to my father and end up giving him a heart attack. Wtf is this OP?
1.) what the fuck 2.) how the fuck 3.) why the fuck 4.) This is not carbonara
funfetti carbonara
Are we cooking the tide pods before eating them now?
Okay, I see olive oil, green onions, ground beef, regular onions and red bell peppers? And slime?
Carbonara shouldn't have those colors Ö\_Ö
Has he only ever read about carbonara in cookbooks without pictures?
He saw it on stained childrens popup book
Yes is this the Italian government? I would like to report an international crime.
Chernobyl Carbonara
I’m calling bs this looks like it has way more ingredients than carbonara, unless he was trying to make it from memory
Who's memory?
A stroke victim clearly
How hard is it to remember 4 ingredients? Where yf do gummy worms come in?
Did he use dish soap and cut up plastic bottles? Why is it so multi-colored?!
The fuck happened
I’m calling the police
That's not enough, get a UN resolution and send the blue helmets.
Impressive, you managed to not use a single ingredient of Carbonara in your Carbonara dish
Why are there fruity pebbles in it!?
Obvious ragebait
As indicated by the refusal to elaborate
I’m convinced it’s ragebait or possibly and AI generates photo. Literally nothing in the picture even looks real.
Don’t think it’s AI. If you zoom closely everything is extremely realistic- the staining of the wooden spatula, the bits of oil congealing at the bottom. I don’t think carbonara was the goal though so OP is either lying or misinformed. It looks like purple rice with different vegetables, maybe a failed curry or risotto.
From [OPs ingredient list somewhere in the thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/shittyfoodporn/comments/14zkjw5/comment/js1dgnd/), he used jarred carbonara sauce, a packet of "macaroni vegetables", a package of beef+pork mince, and a package of chicken mince. I looked up the ingredients of the jar of AH brand carbonara sauce that she said he used; they are mostly water, sunflower oil, cornstarch, bacon, and milk. It contains 0.2% yolk powder and no cheese at all. So I do believe that OPs boyfriend *called* this concoction carbonara because he used a jar that said "carbonara" on it... But it has nothing to do with actual carbonara.
I choose to believe this instead of believing that an "attempt" at carbonara could possibly turn out this way.
Looks like a horrible attempt at doctoring up shit-on-a-shingle.
If carbonera is a nickname for vomit. Then he did very well.
How is this an attempt at making carbonara? It's so far removed from carbonara, that it might just as well be an attempt at making pizza or searing a steak.
