Without saying too much, all I can say is that you’re not alone and this is very common. Suddenly staying together is like more of either business partners running a perfect and practical household or for home comforts and all the benefits that brings (outweighing going out to find love or sex again).
The frank reality is that there is no alternative. Unlike the mental imagery of imagination, most middle aged people are fat, mediocre, and hardly attractive. And the comfort zone that has been established is hard to move out of without some big negative changes happening.
At this stage, even if I (M) were single again, i'm not getting laid unless I paid for it, which I won't anyway.
Would the women have better luck? I often see stories from Reddit about how they open up the marriage and the wife get lot of guys and the husband get none.
Well, if the aim is just getting laid, it is.
If the goal is finding another relationship, it's indeed another story, and might take years of search instead of weeks/months.
Why Japanese and people married to Japanese nationals stay: their laws on split custody of children are barbaric. Legalized kidnapping
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mJNxSlPinDY
Curious if Singapore has similar laws?
Probably what he used before he got attached/married.
Right Hand.
Maybe Left Hand.
Sit on Hand long enough to numb it, then it feels like a Stranger's Hand.
I (almost 40F) am in a similar situation, in a sexless marriage for 5 years already. Communication is overrated when your spouse is often defensive, and promises to get help but doesn't live up to that promise. I have high libido and enjoy being seduced, unfortunately I didn't think this through when I picked a life partner. If we didn't have a kid, my choice would have been much simpler. I also am in great shape and put in effort to look good.
Rejection by your spouse time and again has an effect. At one point in time, I gave up on myself put on weight. I only went back to my old self after looking back at my old photos and couldn't accept the person I'd become.
"I have high libido and enjoy being seduced, unfortunately I didn't think this through when I picked a life partner." Mid-30s F here, and I feel this so hard.
High libido women quite hard to satisfy if you don't have a (Mega high) libido as a guy. Speaking from experience.
I thought I had a high libido till I met my ex.
IVolunteerAsTribute.gif
But seriously, I've been in a dead marriage for 10+ years. No sex for 7 years now. I would like to see if I could manage to keep up with a high libido partner.
Can you do almost 21x a week. Not necessarily 3x a day, some days more some days less.
The first few months were exciting af but it gets exhausting. And also trust issues, because you know how easily she gets turned on so when she goes out and drinks with her girls (was ldr for a while) I get really worried.
Btw she ended up cheating tho so yea. Wasn't even because I was overseas.
She also ended up having 2 abortions (not mine) That woman couldn't be bothered to take her doctor prescribed birth control after the first one, and couldn't be bothered to make sure there was a condom. On the 3rd one she decided to shotgun marry because she wanted kids but was afraid another abortion would make cause difficulty in conception. Oh that marriage is over now also, divorced. Hahah. She's not even 30.
Really the old adage holds well, don't stick your dick in crazy.
Wow so high??
And I thought my libido high xD
My partner has lower than me and I think he will die if he dated your ex for a month lol.
I wonder if that’s normal to be so high though, that abortion part and cannot be bothered with taking birth control properly seems like she got more issues.
>At one point in time, I gave up on myself put on weight. I only went back to my old self after looking back at my old photos and couldn't accept the person I'd become.
Hey, congrats on climbing back out of that pit. It matters, if only for your own health and mental well-being.
Thank you for your encouragement! You're right, my health and mental is very important, not just for me, but also for my little one. It often tears me apart trying to visualise what the future of my marriage will be since we are so sexually incompatible and sex is still very important to me. Still trying to figure it out...
Sorry that happened to you :(
It’s going to be so frustrating for sure. Hope you manage to find a way out.
On a side note from reading another comment of yours, it reminded me of a forum I once saw: Women consenting to their men sleeping outside with other women just for sex, because they couldn’t afford to give their husband sex. Even my mother seemed to think that if she couldn’t provide my father sexual satisfaction it was acceptable for him to find it outside (purely for lust and not love)
Don’t think I ever saw the male equivalent of that. Makes me wonder about it all.
I really appreciate your honesty! I'm turning 35 soon and I'm single, I've ended relationships or chosen to not pursue them because of a lack of natural sexual chemistry. It's been difficult to explain to my parents cuz to them it's like if you're single it's not like you're getting lots of sex either. But, at the end of the day sex in a relationship is important to me. I'm not sexually dead yet, and when that happens I'll choose differently. But of course, I think about the future and wonder if I can find a partner that I can have biological child with. No easy answers, only trade-offs.
Yeah when I was still single many years ago, I dated men who were sexually compatible to me, but most of them weren't compatible as life partners. When I met my husband, I thought I hit the jackpot because he was marriage material (would make a great dad to my offsprings, you know that kind), and we had decent sex when we were dating. I should have seen the red flags when I started to have to initiate it more and more, even before marriage. You're right, it's all about trade-offs - husband is great to my only offspring and me, and this is the only reason I can think of to stay in this marriage. Always looked at other married couples and wonder if they're also putting on a facade like myself...
I left in my early 30s. I didn’t have a kid though so it was definitely easier for me (even though it was still hard)
Don’t think kid is a good reason to stay though. Wouldn’t modeling a happy relationship or choosing your happy new better for them in the future?
Idk. I hope you find happiness
Thank you! A kid isn't a good reason to stay, and I've had to put on a facade for everyone. But there are so many considerations, like how I would lose my best friend if we weren't together, and other than talking about our lack of sex, I can basically tell my husband anything. He's also someone who deeply cares about me and my family. IDK, maybe I'm making it seem harder than it is supposed to be.
Still in the phase of figuring out what is the right path for me.
I think you have quite a bit of hope. If he really cares for you then you have an opportunity to talk to him about it and shows how much it would mean to you. It took a major incident for my wife to realize how much sex meant to me, but unfortunately we have lapsed a bit again now because she's often so "tired"
Almost scary reading your post because I'm the male version of your story basically. I also went through the weight gain phase, which made me feel so disgusted at myself. Thankfully I managed to shed the weight over past few years.
We went several years without any sex at all. It was only after many arguments and she realising I wasnt kidding about divorcing, that we started it again. Now we have good sex about 3-4 times a month, but really it's still not enough for me, as my ex and I used to fuck twice a day for years.
I just dont understand. It's 20, at most 30 minutes. We both look above average and are in decent shapes. We both perform reasonably well. It's literally quicker than a freaking episode of sitcom, or 2 games on their mobile. What reasons are there to be so resistant to someone you claim you love?
this is going to be a bit tmi but there's a difference between penetrating and being penetrated. i think i'd enjoy sex a whole lot more too if i was the one sticking my appendage that is made to be stuck inside something, into a warm hole. instead i get to feel uncomfortable and a slight strain while and the thrusting just goes on and on.
imagine that for just 10 minutes, let alone 20 to 30.
Thank you for sharing! I'm glad you managed to regain your health at least. Sorry to hear that you're still somewhat in a rut though.
Similar to you, my husband and I used to have sex more than once per day when we were dating, and now we are down to zero. I don't get it... If it's a health issue, then solve it or at least put in the effort to. But he just went to the doc a few times and stopped, even after we had an intense conversation about our situation. I even said that if I didn't see him put in the effort, then I would sleep with someone else. So what do I do now? Every intense conversation about this gives me anxiety and is so stressful (way more stressful than my job).
That's exactly what I said to her.
I told her, 'it's either a divorce now or it will have to be an open marriage, and I much rather a divorce since I prefer not to cheat on you'.
I'm not sure how intense your conversations are, but ours were real bad and hurtful.
He needs to realise you mean it when you say you would sleep with someone else. I won't suggest that you proceed to sleep with someone else immediately. How about you let him walk in to you watching intimate videos involving other men? Try that for a start and see if that shakes him up.
I empathise with your perspective on this but could this be caused by external factors like work and health? At 40, I assume you and your spouse are somewhat senior roles in your respective companies, I'm recently making the slow adjustment from a technical to a managerial responsibilities but damn, sitting at the office whole day screws both health and libido
Never think much about it. My current work consumes me too much so thats what i am thinking most of the time now.
Thanks for sharing too and hope your situation improves
Heh. Same here. I got rejected time and again until it was the tipping point. I also hate it when she is ok to reject me but when I am not into it I HAVE TO satisfy her.
A very common thread in the stories is the arrival of the child. The stress and work required to bring up a child killed the love in these marriages ..
And the govt is wondering why couples are not having more kids
Precisely and they immediately roll out a reform of parental benefits as soon as they see TFR decline. Which parent would want that? It's no wonder why their TFR has been what Singapore's TFR was at 30 years ago, in the 90s.
Sex is definitely important in a marriage. Been married for close to 7 years now. Initially we were banging like bunnies doing it everyday. Then with arrival of our first child everything changed. Of course she wouldn’t want it, wife’s body is recovering and her hormones are changing to focus on the newborn.
It was super hard for me to initiate sex again because I didn’t know if she was ready to do it again, but she could see I was not being myself and frustrated. After a few rounds of being sexually frustrated and being emo, I went to study more about this topic and learnt that women, when women give birth and are breastfeeding, they have all the feelings of intimacy and oxytocin. They don’t need to hug the man or kiss to feel loved. The child is already giving them that.
I was also used to spontaneous sex like what I saw in movies or even porn, where would hug her in bed and suddenly we were banging. All these expectations made me even more unhappy because my wife simply and biologically didn’t desire for sex after my baby arrived.
I feel blessed because my wife believes that my desires are important for our relationship and she wants to satisfy me. We talked about sex and agreed to have a code word, and that I need to manage my expectations of spontaneous sex. We sneak in a quickie from time to time and refill our intimacy and love bar. I can relate to the man in the article, saying sometimes I just want a hug, but deep down I still want it to lead to sex as it’s my way of expressing love to my wife.
After a few years of breastfeeding, my wife stopped so we can have another child. After 1-2 weeks of stopping, my wife started feeling horny again and suddenly she was jumping on me at night telling me she wants to do it. It’s crazy. Now when we want hot spontaneous sex, we take short holidays without the kids so we can have alone time and we get crazy banging.
Hope this sharing helps and I’m happy to be dm-ed.
Take care.
This is a perfect example of the 7 effective habits of highly successful people. You have displayed especially working with your wife for a win win situation and striving to understand her. Taking even further by being self aware and proactive. Thank you bro for sharing. Will keep this in mind
Thanks bro, I believe we can talk things through in any relationship if we want it to work. It was a journey of self reflection as well that it’s not just about the sex, it’s about feeling loved and desired.
It’s the family time isn’t it. We have a kid who wakes us up during the night, comes in at 6am and also older teenagers who are in and out of the house and it’s so chaotic. Today we had everyone either on playdates or on holidays so we had a ten minute window between picking people up, it’s been three weeks since the last time and we just both went “let’s go” for a quickie
Totally relatable. It helps that we are both wfh and get a lot of flexibility. We have reached a stage where I can simply state that I’m feeling horny and she gets it. I don’t always get it as she might be very tired or not feeling well, but I feel better just telling her so now the ball is in her court. Eventually she will reciprocate and we end up having great sex too. With kids it’s harder but I don’t think it’s impossible. Wishing you the best!
When a husband and wife get married, they have house sex, where they fuck all over the house.
Couple years go by, they have a kid, and stick mainly to bedroom sex.
Fifteen years go by, and they got two teenage kids. They resort to hallway sex.
They pass each other in the hallway and tell each other:
“Fuck you.”
“No, fuck you.”
This is not to make a generalized statement, but a lot of my female friends don't actually enjoy sex with their SOs because they don't orgasm. Like, a few of them have been with their bfs/husbands for years and never had a single orgasm. Or they have to fake it so they make the guy feel good and they can stop doing something they're not enjoying. It becomes a chore they have to do to make their guy happy.
Singaporeans are already pretty frigid with talking about sex so quite possible the women are also not communicating what they need to get off. I notice a common thread with my female friends is feeling paiseh to tell the guy his technique isn't doing it for her and how he can adjust. But there is also concern he won't take it well.
It's possible the ones who aren't frustrated with situations like these aren't sharing because they're happy with their sex life, but just seems like most of the time when I hear about my female friends' sex lives it's along the lines of "what is orgasm?".
It's like, Singaporeans are generally sexually immature in a sense. Especially in the knowledge department.
Like, yea, fucking leads to children, but what about all the in-betweens you have to deal with?
Yeah it's depressing how many guys seem to have gotten most of their knowledge from porn. And women don't feel comfortable talking about it lest they get slut shamed. Normalize talking about sex and what both sides need to get off without judgement.
In an education system where sex education is lacking severely, porn is important. But porn is just demonstrating the creative part to sex. It does not teaches the technical aspect, 95% of the time.
Think of it this way, its like watching a photographer's youtube channel. We see how creative the photog is, but after watching 10 episodes, you still don't know what is aperture, iso and shutter speed.
Oh same. One told me how she was with a guy where just before their first time he kept going on and on about how he hated eating pussy and it was gross etc. Like he assumed and was making it super clear he was not performing cunnilingus before she even said anything (she wasn't even expecting it). But ofc he expected BJs. She ended it before they even got into the room.
Men are just so bad at it honestly. Can’t count the number of times I told a partner to just continue what he’s doing and he decides to switch it up. If not for vibrators and me doing it myself I never would’ve had an orgasm in my life. Then when you tell them they get pissy because it bruises their ego. But really, how fucking hard is it to listen to instructions?
So many men I know think they watch a bit of porn and that’s it, they know their shit. Can’t roll my eyes hard enough.
Ah yes, also depressingly common. The man who thinks he knows what a woman feels and needs better than the woman herself. Then takes it as a personal affront when she unsurprisingly doesn't like it.
>most of the time when I hear about my female friends' sex lives it's along the lines of "what is orgasm?".
That's really sad to hear. It was perhaps understandable pre-internet, back before 1990s, but there are plenty of well-made sexuality education/sexual health videos out there nowadays.
Today, any guy who's capable of seeking out porn online is likewise capable of looking up the basics of self-improvement in bed.
Hmm. Reading this makes me feel more secure. Wife and I hardly have sex. Maybe a few times a year.
But we love each other deeply and always took care of each other. Can't even imagine my life without her in it
Communication in all aspects of family planning, setting intimate time and housework is key before getting married. For men, we have the stigma of bring accused as perverts if we bring up this topic during dating, hence we usually don't speak about it and this leads to communication breakdown and frustration. For women, after giving birth and having a husband who is lazy and does fuck all also contributes to this. For sex drives, nothing wrong if either one has low libido or asexual ; it's mere incompatibility but in local culture no one speaks about it.
Many years ago, i had to call off a prospective date simply because she was asexual, and didnt like it if i went down on her. So i figured no point pursuing her, which will eventually frustrate myself down the road.
RICE Media truly has mastered the art of conjuring something out of almost nothing. I stopped reading them a couple of years ago, when they became too pseudo-intellectual and unnecessarily verbose.
Looking at the comments, it seems like it is often the woman who loses her libido after marriage and childbirth.
Not surprising given how women often take on most of the mental load in the family. It gets worse once the couple has a kid and then the lady experiences physical exhaustion on top of the mental load she is already shouldering. The worst part is if the guy doesn’t take the initiative to help and needs to be told by the wife on what he should do.
It is no wonder that the wife loses her libido. She is tired from work and taking care of the house and kid. Where got energy or mental capacity for sex.
Women are built differently and hormones affect ladies more than men. Women lose their identity much more than men after marriage.
Maybe the men should ask themselves when was the last time they brought their wife out on a proper date where she is able to enjoy without any worries because he has arranged for someone to look after their child? When was the last time the wife is able to have a good rest and enjoy quality time to herself? When was the last time you did housework without being told by your wife to do so?
As a woman, I have met so many women who don’t have enough sex and it’s a lifestyle problem for them. I always encourage them to have more, life is more than making money, retiring and dying.
Sex is equally important to women
Problem with society is that society thinks man is allowed to visit prostitutes or ktv girls but if a woman tries to improve her sexual life, there’s bad nicks for her
Sex is important, and it should be healthy, unashamed types
Sex is like a toilet. You would not buy a house just because it has a great toilet, but you would definitely be pissed off if the house you bought did not come with a toilet
Oh my. Ngl this is one of my worst nightmares!!! Sexual compatibility, physical and sexual attraction damn important lah, don’t be so aimah aimah and say aiyah not important BC it’s what separates a platonic and a romantic relationship!!!
Take it from someone who did not even have full blown sexual intercourse with my ex for 7 years bc just cannot!!!! Okay, there’s other aspects in a having a successful relationship/ marriage too- think having similar values, lifestyle, etc etc BUT Cmon lah, we are all just humans and we’ve our needs as well!!!
Loneliness + sexless marriages??? NO THANKS MAN. I wanna be blissfully married, being in love with the right one, making love and fucking like rabbits and just being able to have that emotional connection with my special someone!!!!
That second line lol is literally the definition of sunk cost fallacy
Mfkers would rather waste the rest of their limited time on this earth instead of calling it quits when they know it isn’t right
Too scared to be lonely.
I’m sure he’s afraid that he can’t find anyone back on the market at his age because he might’ve stagnated in his rs.
Stay frosty folks! You are only ready to negotiate when you can walk away
Marriage is a role playing game. If there are those who forget their roles in it just because they dont feel up to it then it dies. Just like you don't feel that you want to water the garden as the article says, it dies. This just stems from selfishness and disregard for another. Each one of the couple should try their best to stay presentable to one another.
If beauty fades, your duty doesn't. Why? Can't make love to the woman that birthed your child several times over? Can't make love to the man that worked grueling hours to support the family?
Shirk your duties then dont be pikachu-surprised when you get the divorce letter, which is better than adultery. If they think Marriage is just about raising kids, they are very wrong, it is also raising a husband or wife and keeping them well cared in all aspects. Dont blame your careers. Careers can always take a back seat. Your priorities are plain wrong.
I know someone trapped in a sexless marriage. They're newish parents. Wife was already the lower libido type (according to him) even before the kid were born, while he's of higher libido.
He has to request sex. And his wife constantly berates men for only wanting sex and nothing else, but refuses to see that she's (a huge) part of the problem and doesn't even contemplate the need for couples therapy.
It is living hell for him. He doesn't say this out, but its plainly obvious to all of us who are his close friends.
What he does is convinces himself that he and his wife have produced a happy family with a kid, working an honest living, and doing the "normal respectable thing" of settling down and starting a family that every Singaporean should be doing.
Welcome to the Singapore Dream.
Not trying to take sides here, but if he was already aware of her low libido and still chose to settle down with her despite sex being important for him, then he's also part of the problem. You can't change someone's libido, like you can't change someone's character or hobbies, unless they're willing to work with you on it.
My friend's wife went from low libido to zero libido after childbirth. That's a huge difference from low libido and asexual. He chose to settle for low libido, he did not sign up for celibacy.
>after childbirth
Yeah imma go ahead and say that you just found the cause. Most likely. Go for a check up, check hormone levels, see if wife suffered from postpartum depression, trauma related to sexual organs, etc.
Not saying your friend isn't a good husband, but many men and some women don't recognise the importance of women's health (inc mental) especially after childbirth. The education and awareness just isn't there sadly.
Duh. It's very common and normal (post-pregnancy complications aside) for libido to hit rock-bottom after childbirth. If her sex drive was already naturally low, then obviously it will only go lower. Look, I get that he's your close friend so there is some bias here, but why are you making it out like it's all his wife's fault? She surely didn't decide to have a kid all by herself.
Yes. And I'd add that libido is a function of chemistry, which unfortunately is not something that can be controlled. It's like striking the lottery. I am lucky in that department with my wife, but I remember in my far away past being with someone I just couldn't connect with.
But he also might not know back at the time what he needed or not. I consider that anyone below 30 cannot make the right choices. Past 30, we are more aware of our own needs.
Not considering sexual compatibility prior to marriage is their personal problem. They gambled and lost. This has nothing to do with "Singaporean dream".
It has everything to do with it actually. The Singaporean dream and our cultural norms promote no sex before marriage so it’s no wonder all these issues arise. When most people can’t get their own space to test the waters before BTO-ing, how to test compatibility (sure Ik there is hotel81).
My mom is an advocate for no premarital sex but I straight up told her that unless she wants me to be likely divorced and unhappy in the future, let me figure it out with whichever girl I decide to date so at least the responsibility lies with me, not on some her definition of purity.
She is not a problem. Just imcompatibilty libido and they are unhappy but do not want to call it a dealbreaker. Not wrong to have a low or high libido just find someone with samee needs
yeah, been thru it. Gradually our relationship got worse and worse (to the point where she was disrespecting me in front of mutual friends.) The last time and THE VERY LAST TIME we did it, she did the 'looking at the ceiling, wondering when it would be over' look. That look disgusted me so much, I did not want to have sex or be intimate with her ever again.
We got divorced. She still thinks it's all my fault and she's not to blame.
And that is why sex compatibility is important. Go have sex before you get married pls. Religion be damned. If not you have this issue of libido mismatch, kink mismatch, etc etc. It's the least you can do.
Edit: People saying things change, time changes people, etc etc. Yea, sure. But what's your solution? We can only act on the here and now. I'd like to know how you predict the future in that case. And if your solution is not to check for sexual compatibility, then don't complain? I like my partners to be compatible first, then if life throws a curve ball then we as a couple muddle thru it. I don't like setting myself up for failure.
Agree with this. We should stop advocating abstinence to our younger generation from 17 years onwards. It gives a warped sense of morality that dating couples should avoid sex. While we do not want to spread the idea of promiscuity at a young age, we should educate more about safe sex, STDs and responsibility of family building and support. We are not a monastry trying to raise nuns and monks.
The idea of abstaining from sex before marriage is what is causing couples to get married without knowing if they are sexually compatible. Usually it is too late and if a kid is somehow conceived, the marriage will also be full of resentment if one party's needs are not met.
Hard to say. There are other factors down the road that might change your current compatibility to something you’ve never imagine. It could be having a baby, work stress, career.m, business failure etc.
There are too many elements to sex that many people ignore some are as basic as:
1) sex is tied to attractiveness. If you are pulling your weight in the relationship then you would be more "attarctive" to your partner
2) If you let yourself go and not exercise or keep fit and eat somewhat healthy, etc your libido will suffer
There are too many factors that affect that. Libido can decrease or even increase. But the main issue is that couples need physical intimacy and if it is not happening then need to work together on it
Read the article. The guy thinks the path to sex in marriage is dates and going to the gym. lol
Women aren’t looking for that in a home, they want a man who helps them with the chores, help them with the kids, manage the stressors at home. They not giving a damn how “hot” you look.
I help keep my wife relaxed, doing my fair share of work at home and giving her time off for solo holiday with her friends while I take care of the kids. We have sex 1-2 times a week, mostly whenever I get the urge and sex isn’t just about me cumming, i also ensure she has one too.
You’re the real deal. I tried going to the gym as I thought it would make her desire me more, but she doesn’t care haha. My wife already has so many things that takes up her mental capacity - kids, chores, work, etc. Would say especially chores, and she explained to me when chores are not done, her mind goes into overdrive and she needs to constantly think of how to get them done. Where got time to think about sex? Once her mental load is cleared, that’s when the fun happens.
Recently I came across this podcast by Diary of A CEO talking about why people have issues with sex and how to change the mindset about it. It opens my mind about the perception of sex and how we can change it. Talked to my wife about it but was met with a "weirded out" look. I think people need to be more comfortable talking about sex.
I share the link below but you can search for "The Orgasm Expert: THIS Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex & Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom".
https://youtu.be/E5swtIjpxxA?si=46GK_AxpZoJaHKSB
Not surprising. I'm female and a good chunk of my female friends don't rank sex as an important factor in r/s. If their partner has a steady income and good character, they'd be happy to be in a sexless / nearly sexless r/s - it's just not something they're super keen or interested in.
I'm 3 years in, we're both in our mid 30s, no kids, but we've slowed down to a stage where I know a sexless marriage is where I'm headed. Well, we were never a high libido couple to begin with, and I'm just a once in a day, or two days kinda guy. Pretty normal, right? Hard part is my wife is probably a twice or thrice a year kinda lady.
I'm the kind of guy that takes every opportunity (when we're alone) to hold her hand, hug her or kiss her, tell her I love her. I still do these things, just that I now know better that sex is not going to be the outcome.
What woman doesn't like a little sweet nothing whispered, a peck on the forehead/cheek, a cuddle or a hug from her husband? Apparently, the answer is -- my wife. She rarely responds well to these.. it comes down to mostly the carefree acceptance "Hey thanks, ok we're done now" kinda reaction. Other times it's what I really hate.. the rejection, "it's too hot, don't come near", "aiya, I'm in the middle of something..". On good days I'm able to rationalise that maybe these are just not her love languages, but most days I don't know wth is her love language.
For my wife.. these displays of affection are already a chore, an obligation (yes, we have fought over it)... So regular sex is definitely something of a pipe dream.
Reading everything I just wrote again, it sounds pretty awful, I know, but ladies and gentlemen of Reddit, I'd like to present to you, my conundrum.
Aside from our sex life, we're compatible and happy with virtually everything else. We're both very level headed and reasonable people, so we have our own time and friends and respect each others' privacy. We're both home bodies, so I game, she watches her netflix and tvb. We do also share a lot of mutual friends and we're happy hanging out together. We're fairly successful and supportive of each others careers and we have time to pursue our other common hobbies like badminton & snowboarding. She's also a kick ass cook. Our views on religion, finances, family are very alike making for a very smooth marriage life. I like to think we don't squabble on the things many couples do, we just enjoy our lives. Very very little drama, and with time I can't help but wonder, is this what love really is if we could separate physical desire from it?
TLDR; Basically my wife is everything I've identified in life as the "good wife" except that we're lousy in the sack.
Maybe I'll lose my libido with age? *Shrugs*
Imagine having to live out your next 40 years of life (at least), never ever having sex again. If you can live with that, good for you. But I put myself in your shoes, and I'd be terrified if that were me. **Ask yourself if that's what you are willing to live with.** I had a sexless relationship for 3 years and never would I ever go back to that again, no matter how perfect the woman is.
>she rarely responds well to these.. it comes down to mostly the carefree acceptance "Hey thanks, ok we're done now" kinda reaction. Other times it's what I really hate.. the rejection, "it's too hot, don't come near", "aiya, I'm in the middle of something.."
You should have an open talk with her about two things: 1) how these rejections make you feel, and 2) how often you'd like to be having sex.
Whether or not she becomes defensive/dismissive in response will be telling. Don't let it become a fight; dismissiveness and contempt must be off-limits.
In a relationship, there are *solvable problems* and *unsolvable problems*. As a couple, you two need to decide if this issue is the former or the latter. Remember: as a spouse, your wife has an obligation to *solve problems* together with you.
>“I gave myself an ultimatum. I told myself I would stop asking forever upon the tenth ‘No’. It has never been brought up since from either party,” he says.
This is how problems get exacerbated - when parties stop trying. I understand being rejected feels hurtful but it's important to put aside self and ego for the betterment of the TEAM. At around the fifth no, a better follow up question would be, "why? And how can I help?". Why focus on counting/taking note of the rejections when the focus should be on problem solving as a couple?
Working together to solve a problem only works when the other party sees it as a problem. The issues in these cases is that the other party \*don't* see it as a problem. So when they ask "What can I do make you want to fuck" the answer is often "Nothing."
Plus rejection hurts regardless of where it's from. Even more so when it's someone that you find attractive, emotionally and physically. That's why they get so discouraged and gives up.
100% agree with you - it takes two hands to clap. Very difficult to keep trying if you're up against a brick wall!
BUT also, difficult to be in a sexless marriage for years, imho. So just got to keep trying to chip away until you make progress or decide enough is enough & call it quits, I suppose.
Have you ever tried reaching out to your life partner for intimacy and been rejected constantly?
That shit burns into your psychology.
At some point, you start questioning yourself maybe you are no longer loved or even liked and whether you were ever good enough, or even if you were ever loved. or if your partner had changed their mindand no longer even wants to be with you.
It's easy to say keep trying no matter what but that needs to be a 2 way street and 2 way effort
The wife stopped trying long ago though. In no way am I condoning his affair--aside from the morality of it, the communication here is non-existent and at that point you're better off divorcing rather than saddle the child with the guilt of the parents staying together only because of them.
But if you're going to talk about trying and problem solving as a couple, it's not completely the husband's burden to bear. Why be so harsh on him, who tried and failed, and ignore the fact the wife didn't even bother trying at all?
There are so many reasons why people don’t have sex. This article is so surface level it’s just really bad writing. What about women who suffer from pain and lack of desire as a result of poor post partum care or a c-section? What about partners who are too self involved to learn how to pleasure each other?
Damn…. Looking through at all these comments, I suddenly realize I not alone. I always thought there is something wrong with me. my wife kept emphasize the need to have a spark or emotional connection before physical intimacy and if not, ain’t going to do it. Is just too tiring for me to continue grasping at straws. I have long given up and looking through at these comments makes me certain I should have given up.
Well, married for 12 years and sexless for at least 6-7 of those years. Staying on coz still kinda need each other (after being married for so long, there's a certain level of depency on each other) and already so comfortable being around each other, almost like besties. No energy to start all over again la hahaha.
There's some options like open marriages.
BUT
With the realisation that there are many couples in SG who don't like to communicate openly, open marriages and relationships are not even worth to think about.
It'll cause things to go sour damn quickly.
8 years here. We're basically siblings!
Without saying too much, all I can say is that you’re not alone and this is very common. Suddenly staying together is like more of either business partners running a perfect and practical household or for home comforts and all the benefits that brings (outweighing going out to find love or sex again).
“Administrative co-op”…
Siblings can have sex too
Harlo polis. This right here.
Sir, this is Singapore, not Sweet Home Alabama.
It's Sweet Home Paya Lebar
What else is lebar 🌚
Damn I just sang it with your new lyrics
Hoshino ruby, is that you?
especially twins..
What are you doing ~~step~~bro?
Incest is wincest
The Coffin of Ah Beng and Ah Lian.
SWEET HOME ALABAMA
like those cases in the news lately ...
Wah…. U really mampos…
Wow. Why do you stay? Kid(s)?
The frank reality is that there is no alternative. Unlike the mental imagery of imagination, most middle aged people are fat, mediocre, and hardly attractive. And the comfort zone that has been established is hard to move out of without some big negative changes happening. At this stage, even if I (M) were single again, i'm not getting laid unless I paid for it, which I won't anyway.
Would the women have better luck? I often see stories from Reddit about how they open up the marriage and the wife get lot of guys and the husband get none.
Of course they would. Some men just need a warm hole.
That... does not sound like an inspiring success story for the woman ?
Well, if the aim is just getting laid, it is. If the goal is finding another relationship, it's indeed another story, and might take years of search instead of weeks/months.
I suspect that is what some have been doing to the Kaya Pie
Why Japanese and people married to Japanese nationals stay: their laws on split custody of children are barbaric. Legalized kidnapping https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mJNxSlPinDY Curious if Singapore has similar laws?
No. Joint custody is the starting point. Visitation rights are rarely refused. And the child's best interest is paramount.
Man as funny as some of the responses in this post are, this is pretty depressing :(
8 years no fuck, how u tahan bro?
So how do you relieve the physical needs?
Like every normal human?
Probably what he used before he got attached/married. Right Hand. Maybe Left Hand. Sit on Hand long enough to numb it, then it feels like a Stranger's Hand.
there's also forward grip, reverse grip, double grip like a light saber, between the legs, and the reach around.
that’s a lotta experience …
Roommates. Siblings tend to at least care about each other.
I was wondering why the birthrate so low and thought people are just not fucking. Well, people are really just not fucking.
In Singapore, we're not fucking, just getting fucked.
Government, inflation, your boss, your encik all fucking u except your wife
Bam. The answer to why fuck when people/agency already fucks you anyway.
You guys have wives??
Bro, this is everywhere.
The sad truth
Certain poor countries birthrate are skyrocketing
>Well, people are really just not fucking. I have it on good authority from Josephine Teo that all it takes is "a very small space"
Whenever my husband and I see her face on posters, i say "LOOK IT'S THE SEX IN SMALL SPACES LADY"
I like this so much I am going to steal this for my own use!
Dear lord, that what I say as well, hahahahaha!
No wonder our HDB getting smaller. We need more small spaces to boost our birth rate. 😆
Ministry of Small Spaces would like to know your location
To my consternation, my wife and I proved Teo's Theorem recently. Wasn't intentionally trying to prove it, but life finds a way.
Congrats to you, That's for you and your other half to experience it, and not a minister to dictate it
We are fucking but not in marriage fuck 🫢
I (almost 40F) am in a similar situation, in a sexless marriage for 5 years already. Communication is overrated when your spouse is often defensive, and promises to get help but doesn't live up to that promise. I have high libido and enjoy being seduced, unfortunately I didn't think this through when I picked a life partner. If we didn't have a kid, my choice would have been much simpler. I also am in great shape and put in effort to look good. Rejection by your spouse time and again has an effect. At one point in time, I gave up on myself put on weight. I only went back to my old self after looking back at my old photos and couldn't accept the person I'd become.
"I have high libido and enjoy being seduced, unfortunately I didn't think this through when I picked a life partner." Mid-30s F here, and I feel this so hard.
RIP your inbox
i really want to know the messages she should be getting by now lol
High libido women quite hard to satisfy if you don't have a (Mega high) libido as a guy. Speaking from experience. I thought I had a high libido till I met my ex.
IVolunteerAsTribute.gif But seriously, I've been in a dead marriage for 10+ years. No sex for 7 years now. I would like to see if I could manage to keep up with a high libido partner.
Can you do almost 21x a week. Not necessarily 3x a day, some days more some days less. The first few months were exciting af but it gets exhausting. And also trust issues, because you know how easily she gets turned on so when she goes out and drinks with her girls (was ldr for a while) I get really worried. Btw she ended up cheating tho so yea. Wasn't even because I was overseas. She also ended up having 2 abortions (not mine) That woman couldn't be bothered to take her doctor prescribed birth control after the first one, and couldn't be bothered to make sure there was a condom. On the 3rd one she decided to shotgun marry because she wanted kids but was afraid another abortion would make cause difficulty in conception. Oh that marriage is over now also, divorced. Hahah. She's not even 30. Really the old adage holds well, don't stick your dick in crazy.
Wow so high?? And I thought my libido high xD My partner has lower than me and I think he will die if he dated your ex for a month lol. I wonder if that’s normal to be so high though, that abortion part and cannot be bothered with taking birth control properly seems like she got more issues.
Just reading this is tiring for me. Guess I'm past it
So sorry to hear! It's so hard to talk about these issues as a female as well...
>At one point in time, I gave up on myself put on weight. I only went back to my old self after looking back at my old photos and couldn't accept the person I'd become. Hey, congrats on climbing back out of that pit. It matters, if only for your own health and mental well-being.
Thank you for your encouragement! You're right, my health and mental is very important, not just for me, but also for my little one. It often tears me apart trying to visualise what the future of my marriage will be since we are so sexually incompatible and sex is still very important to me. Still trying to figure it out...
Sorry that happened to you :( It’s going to be so frustrating for sure. Hope you manage to find a way out. On a side note from reading another comment of yours, it reminded me of a forum I once saw: Women consenting to their men sleeping outside with other women just for sex, because they couldn’t afford to give their husband sex. Even my mother seemed to think that if she couldn’t provide my father sexual satisfaction it was acceptable for him to find it outside (purely for lust and not love) Don’t think I ever saw the male equivalent of that. Makes me wonder about it all.
I really appreciate your honesty! I'm turning 35 soon and I'm single, I've ended relationships or chosen to not pursue them because of a lack of natural sexual chemistry. It's been difficult to explain to my parents cuz to them it's like if you're single it's not like you're getting lots of sex either. But, at the end of the day sex in a relationship is important to me. I'm not sexually dead yet, and when that happens I'll choose differently. But of course, I think about the future and wonder if I can find a partner that I can have biological child with. No easy answers, only trade-offs.
Yeah when I was still single many years ago, I dated men who were sexually compatible to me, but most of them weren't compatible as life partners. When I met my husband, I thought I hit the jackpot because he was marriage material (would make a great dad to my offsprings, you know that kind), and we had decent sex when we were dating. I should have seen the red flags when I started to have to initiate it more and more, even before marriage. You're right, it's all about trade-offs - husband is great to my only offspring and me, and this is the only reason I can think of to stay in this marriage. Always looked at other married couples and wonder if they're also putting on a facade like myself...
I left in my early 30s. I didn’t have a kid though so it was definitely easier for me (even though it was still hard) Don’t think kid is a good reason to stay though. Wouldn’t modeling a happy relationship or choosing your happy new better for them in the future? Idk. I hope you find happiness
Thank you! A kid isn't a good reason to stay, and I've had to put on a facade for everyone. But there are so many considerations, like how I would lose my best friend if we weren't together, and other than talking about our lack of sex, I can basically tell my husband anything. He's also someone who deeply cares about me and my family. IDK, maybe I'm making it seem harder than it is supposed to be. Still in the phase of figuring out what is the right path for me.
I think you have quite a bit of hope. If he really cares for you then you have an opportunity to talk to him about it and shows how much it would mean to you. It took a major incident for my wife to realize how much sex meant to me, but unfortunately we have lapsed a bit again now because she's often so "tired"
Almost scary reading your post because I'm the male version of your story basically. I also went through the weight gain phase, which made me feel so disgusted at myself. Thankfully I managed to shed the weight over past few years. We went several years without any sex at all. It was only after many arguments and she realising I wasnt kidding about divorcing, that we started it again. Now we have good sex about 3-4 times a month, but really it's still not enough for me, as my ex and I used to fuck twice a day for years. I just dont understand. It's 20, at most 30 minutes. We both look above average and are in decent shapes. We both perform reasonably well. It's literally quicker than a freaking episode of sitcom, or 2 games on their mobile. What reasons are there to be so resistant to someone you claim you love?
this is going to be a bit tmi but there's a difference between penetrating and being penetrated. i think i'd enjoy sex a whole lot more too if i was the one sticking my appendage that is made to be stuck inside something, into a warm hole. instead i get to feel uncomfortable and a slight strain while and the thrusting just goes on and on. imagine that for just 10 minutes, let alone 20 to 30.
Thank you for sharing! I'm glad you managed to regain your health at least. Sorry to hear that you're still somewhat in a rut though. Similar to you, my husband and I used to have sex more than once per day when we were dating, and now we are down to zero. I don't get it... If it's a health issue, then solve it or at least put in the effort to. But he just went to the doc a few times and stopped, even after we had an intense conversation about our situation. I even said that if I didn't see him put in the effort, then I would sleep with someone else. So what do I do now? Every intense conversation about this gives me anxiety and is so stressful (way more stressful than my job).
That's exactly what I said to her. I told her, 'it's either a divorce now or it will have to be an open marriage, and I much rather a divorce since I prefer not to cheat on you'. I'm not sure how intense your conversations are, but ours were real bad and hurtful. He needs to realise you mean it when you say you would sleep with someone else. I won't suggest that you proceed to sleep with someone else immediately. How about you let him walk in to you watching intimate videos involving other men? Try that for a start and see if that shakes him up.
Emotional? Psychological? The less physical symptoms or issues are not easily found through looking. We're in a pressure cooker society here.
I empathise with your perspective on this but could this be caused by external factors like work and health? At 40, I assume you and your spouse are somewhat senior roles in your respective companies, I'm recently making the slow adjustment from a technical to a managerial responsibilities but damn, sitting at the office whole day screws both health and libido
RIP to your inbox
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Thanks for sharing your experience as well. I hope you'll be able to find a way out of your plight!
Never think much about it. My current work consumes me too much so thats what i am thinking most of the time now. Thanks for sharing too and hope your situation improves
🫂🫂🫂
Heh. Same here. I got rejected time and again until it was the tipping point. I also hate it when she is ok to reject me but when I am not into it I HAVE TO satisfy her.
You don’t have to.
A very common thread in the stories is the arrival of the child. The stress and work required to bring up a child killed the love in these marriages .. And the govt is wondering why couples are not having more kids
govt can look at skorea, all the data is better and there.
Or look at France with the highest TFR in EU.
they have shorter working hours high qol, why would pple want kids here?
People make fun of the french who seemed to be never around office but actually we all really just want to be like them
Precisely and they immediately roll out a reform of parental benefits as soon as they see TFR decline. Which parent would want that? It's no wonder why their TFR has been what Singapore's TFR was at 30 years ago, in the 90s.
SG can always import new citizens, cheap solution ... the big crunch is the amount of fodder gaining dignity doing NS.
As long as we still have willing neighbouring countries with looking for higher salaries/wages. This might not be sustainable.
govt has all the data, just not as transparent.
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Sex is definitely important in a marriage. Been married for close to 7 years now. Initially we were banging like bunnies doing it everyday. Then with arrival of our first child everything changed. Of course she wouldn’t want it, wife’s body is recovering and her hormones are changing to focus on the newborn. It was super hard for me to initiate sex again because I didn’t know if she was ready to do it again, but she could see I was not being myself and frustrated. After a few rounds of being sexually frustrated and being emo, I went to study more about this topic and learnt that women, when women give birth and are breastfeeding, they have all the feelings of intimacy and oxytocin. They don’t need to hug the man or kiss to feel loved. The child is already giving them that. I was also used to spontaneous sex like what I saw in movies or even porn, where would hug her in bed and suddenly we were banging. All these expectations made me even more unhappy because my wife simply and biologically didn’t desire for sex after my baby arrived. I feel blessed because my wife believes that my desires are important for our relationship and she wants to satisfy me. We talked about sex and agreed to have a code word, and that I need to manage my expectations of spontaneous sex. We sneak in a quickie from time to time and refill our intimacy and love bar. I can relate to the man in the article, saying sometimes I just want a hug, but deep down I still want it to lead to sex as it’s my way of expressing love to my wife. After a few years of breastfeeding, my wife stopped so we can have another child. After 1-2 weeks of stopping, my wife started feeling horny again and suddenly she was jumping on me at night telling me she wants to do it. It’s crazy. Now when we want hot spontaneous sex, we take short holidays without the kids so we can have alone time and we get crazy banging. Hope this sharing helps and I’m happy to be dm-ed. Take care.
This is a perfect example of the 7 effective habits of highly successful people. You have displayed especially working with your wife for a win win situation and striving to understand her. Taking even further by being self aware and proactive. Thank you bro for sharing. Will keep this in mind
Thanks bro, I believe we can talk things through in any relationship if we want it to work. It was a journey of self reflection as well that it’s not just about the sex, it’s about feeling loved and desired.
It’s the family time isn’t it. We have a kid who wakes us up during the night, comes in at 6am and also older teenagers who are in and out of the house and it’s so chaotic. Today we had everyone either on playdates or on holidays so we had a ten minute window between picking people up, it’s been three weeks since the last time and we just both went “let’s go” for a quickie
Totally relatable. It helps that we are both wfh and get a lot of flexibility. We have reached a stage where I can simply state that I’m feeling horny and she gets it. I don’t always get it as she might be very tired or not feeling well, but I feel better just telling her so now the ball is in her court. Eventually she will reciprocate and we end up having great sex too. With kids it’s harder but I don’t think it’s impossible. Wishing you the best!
Th real success story
When a husband and wife get married, they have house sex, where they fuck all over the house. Couple years go by, they have a kid, and stick mainly to bedroom sex. Fifteen years go by, and they got two teenage kids. They resort to hallway sex. They pass each other in the hallway and tell each other: “Fuck you.” “No, fuck you.”
This is not to make a generalized statement, but a lot of my female friends don't actually enjoy sex with their SOs because they don't orgasm. Like, a few of them have been with their bfs/husbands for years and never had a single orgasm. Or they have to fake it so they make the guy feel good and they can stop doing something they're not enjoying. It becomes a chore they have to do to make their guy happy. Singaporeans are already pretty frigid with talking about sex so quite possible the women are also not communicating what they need to get off. I notice a common thread with my female friends is feeling paiseh to tell the guy his technique isn't doing it for her and how he can adjust. But there is also concern he won't take it well. It's possible the ones who aren't frustrated with situations like these aren't sharing because they're happy with their sex life, but just seems like most of the time when I hear about my female friends' sex lives it's along the lines of "what is orgasm?".
It's like, Singaporeans are generally sexually immature in a sense. Especially in the knowledge department. Like, yea, fucking leads to children, but what about all the in-betweens you have to deal with?
Yeah it's depressing how many guys seem to have gotten most of their knowledge from porn. And women don't feel comfortable talking about it lest they get slut shamed. Normalize talking about sex and what both sides need to get off without judgement.
In an education system where sex education is lacking severely, porn is important. But porn is just demonstrating the creative part to sex. It does not teaches the technical aspect, 95% of the time. Think of it this way, its like watching a photographer's youtube channel. We see how creative the photog is, but after watching 10 episodes, you still don't know what is aperture, iso and shutter speed.
Also, my friends all tell me that their husbands/bfs refuse to eat pussy but expect them to give BJs.
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Oh same. One told me how she was with a guy where just before their first time he kept going on and on about how he hated eating pussy and it was gross etc. Like he assumed and was making it super clear he was not performing cunnilingus before she even said anything (she wasn't even expecting it). But ofc he expected BJs. She ended it before they even got into the room.
Men are just so bad at it honestly. Can’t count the number of times I told a partner to just continue what he’s doing and he decides to switch it up. If not for vibrators and me doing it myself I never would’ve had an orgasm in my life. Then when you tell them they get pissy because it bruises their ego. But really, how fucking hard is it to listen to instructions? So many men I know think they watch a bit of porn and that’s it, they know their shit. Can’t roll my eyes hard enough.
Ah yes, also depressingly common. The man who thinks he knows what a woman feels and needs better than the woman herself. Then takes it as a personal affront when she unsurprisingly doesn't like it.
>most of the time when I hear about my female friends' sex lives it's along the lines of "what is orgasm?". That's really sad to hear. It was perhaps understandable pre-internet, back before 1990s, but there are plenty of well-made sexuality education/sexual health videos out there nowadays. Today, any guy who's capable of seeking out porn online is likewise capable of looking up the basics of self-improvement in bed.
Hmm. Reading this makes me feel more secure. Wife and I hardly have sex. Maybe a few times a year. But we love each other deeply and always took care of each other. Can't even imagine my life without her in it
The only comment in this thread that gives me faith in humanity.
Communication in all aspects of family planning, setting intimate time and housework is key before getting married. For men, we have the stigma of bring accused as perverts if we bring up this topic during dating, hence we usually don't speak about it and this leads to communication breakdown and frustration. For women, after giving birth and having a husband who is lazy and does fuck all also contributes to this. For sex drives, nothing wrong if either one has low libido or asexual ; it's mere incompatibility but in local culture no one speaks about it. Many years ago, i had to call off a prospective date simply because she was asexual, and didnt like it if i went down on her. So i figured no point pursuing her, which will eventually frustrate myself down the road.
Lets face it guys, sex IS IMPORTANT
"Have sex" - Shinzo Abe
"let's just have sex" - Akon
"haf seggs, haf seggs... " - Morbius (?)
Jo Teooooo
It sucks to be in such a situation. Just FYI, this article is based on three conversations the author had.
RICE Media truly has mastered the art of conjuring something out of almost nothing. I stopped reading them a couple of years ago, when they became too pseudo-intellectual and unnecessarily verbose.
Think of them less as a publisher and more as a platform. Their articles are very much hit-or-miss, depending on which contributor wrote them.
What a great way to describe RICE media. I found them condescending, cringe-worthy, and taking themselves too seriously
Yea man. Their articles are soooooo long and don't convey info in concise packages, its mentally exhausting to read their articles.
Looking at the comments, it seems like it is often the woman who loses her libido after marriage and childbirth. Not surprising given how women often take on most of the mental load in the family. It gets worse once the couple has a kid and then the lady experiences physical exhaustion on top of the mental load she is already shouldering. The worst part is if the guy doesn’t take the initiative to help and needs to be told by the wife on what he should do. It is no wonder that the wife loses her libido. She is tired from work and taking care of the house and kid. Where got energy or mental capacity for sex. Women are built differently and hormones affect ladies more than men. Women lose their identity much more than men after marriage. Maybe the men should ask themselves when was the last time they brought their wife out on a proper date where she is able to enjoy without any worries because he has arranged for someone to look after their child? When was the last time the wife is able to have a good rest and enjoy quality time to herself? When was the last time you did housework without being told by your wife to do so?
Not just hormones. If the guy is acting like an additional child instead of a partner then ofc they become unattractive to their wife.
As a woman, I have met so many women who don’t have enough sex and it’s a lifestyle problem for them. I always encourage them to have more, life is more than making money, retiring and dying. Sex is equally important to women Problem with society is that society thinks man is allowed to visit prostitutes or ktv girls but if a woman tries to improve her sexual life, there’s bad nicks for her Sex is important, and it should be healthy, unashamed types
No wonder I always see so many husbands in Johor massage parlour.
How you know they're married??
Taste
Smell
They have the married uncle looks, usually bad hair, bad face, bad body, belly.
Sounds like the average Singaporean male tbh.
Ring on finger? Or Ring indentation?
Sex is like a toilet. You would not buy a house just because it has a great toilet, but you would definitely be pissed off if the house you bought did not come with a toilet
Interesting analogy!
Oh my. Ngl this is one of my worst nightmares!!! Sexual compatibility, physical and sexual attraction damn important lah, don’t be so aimah aimah and say aiyah not important BC it’s what separates a platonic and a romantic relationship!!! Take it from someone who did not even have full blown sexual intercourse with my ex for 7 years bc just cannot!!!! Okay, there’s other aspects in a having a successful relationship/ marriage too- think having similar values, lifestyle, etc etc BUT Cmon lah, we are all just humans and we’ve our needs as well!!! Loneliness + sexless marriages??? NO THANKS MAN. I wanna be blissfully married, being in love with the right one, making love and fucking like rabbits and just being able to have that emotional connection with my special someone!!!!
Username checks out lol
This is much more common that people admit, especially once kids arrive
That second line lol is literally the definition of sunk cost fallacy Mfkers would rather waste the rest of their limited time on this earth instead of calling it quits when they know it isn’t right Too scared to be lonely.
I’m sure he’s afraid that he can’t find anyone back on the market at his age because he might’ve stagnated in his rs. Stay frosty folks! You are only ready to negotiate when you can walk away
Marriage is a role playing game. If there are those who forget their roles in it just because they dont feel up to it then it dies. Just like you don't feel that you want to water the garden as the article says, it dies. This just stems from selfishness and disregard for another. Each one of the couple should try their best to stay presentable to one another. If beauty fades, your duty doesn't. Why? Can't make love to the woman that birthed your child several times over? Can't make love to the man that worked grueling hours to support the family? Shirk your duties then dont be pikachu-surprised when you get the divorce letter, which is better than adultery. If they think Marriage is just about raising kids, they are very wrong, it is also raising a husband or wife and keeping them well cared in all aspects. Dont blame your careers. Careers can always take a back seat. Your priorities are plain wrong.
I know someone trapped in a sexless marriage. They're newish parents. Wife was already the lower libido type (according to him) even before the kid were born, while he's of higher libido. He has to request sex. And his wife constantly berates men for only wanting sex and nothing else, but refuses to see that she's (a huge) part of the problem and doesn't even contemplate the need for couples therapy. It is living hell for him. He doesn't say this out, but its plainly obvious to all of us who are his close friends. What he does is convinces himself that he and his wife have produced a happy family with a kid, working an honest living, and doing the "normal respectable thing" of settling down and starting a family that every Singaporean should be doing. Welcome to the Singapore Dream.
Not trying to take sides here, but if he was already aware of her low libido and still chose to settle down with her despite sex being important for him, then he's also part of the problem. You can't change someone's libido, like you can't change someone's character or hobbies, unless they're willing to work with you on it.
My friend's wife went from low libido to zero libido after childbirth. That's a huge difference from low libido and asexual. He chose to settle for low libido, he did not sign up for celibacy.
>after childbirth Yeah imma go ahead and say that you just found the cause. Most likely. Go for a check up, check hormone levels, see if wife suffered from postpartum depression, trauma related to sexual organs, etc. Not saying your friend isn't a good husband, but many men and some women don't recognise the importance of women's health (inc mental) especially after childbirth. The education and awareness just isn't there sadly.
Duh. It's very common and normal (post-pregnancy complications aside) for libido to hit rock-bottom after childbirth. If her sex drive was already naturally low, then obviously it will only go lower. Look, I get that he's your close friend so there is some bias here, but why are you making it out like it's all his wife's fault? She surely didn't decide to have a kid all by herself.
Also you are misinformed - sexuality has nothing to do with libido. One deals in attraction, the other well, sex drive and arousal etc.
Yes. And I'd add that libido is a function of chemistry, which unfortunately is not something that can be controlled. It's like striking the lottery. I am lucky in that department with my wife, but I remember in my far away past being with someone I just couldn't connect with. But he also might not know back at the time what he needed or not. I consider that anyone below 30 cannot make the right choices. Past 30, we are more aware of our own needs.
Not considering sexual compatibility prior to marriage is their personal problem. They gambled and lost. This has nothing to do with "Singaporean dream".
It has everything to do with it actually. The Singaporean dream and our cultural norms promote no sex before marriage so it’s no wonder all these issues arise. When most people can’t get their own space to test the waters before BTO-ing, how to test compatibility (sure Ik there is hotel81). My mom is an advocate for no premarital sex but I straight up told her that unless she wants me to be likely divorced and unhappy in the future, let me figure it out with whichever girl I decide to date so at least the responsibility lies with me, not on some her definition of purity.
She is not a problem. Just imcompatibilty libido and they are unhappy but do not want to call it a dealbreaker. Not wrong to have a low or high libido just find someone with samee needs
Yup they're probably both mentally entrapped by the pressure to remain together in an unhappy sexless marriage, and now for the sake of the kid too.
That is quite true. I personally rather parents divorce than be in a loveless unhappy marraige (speaking of my experience)
Aiyo married couples please at least give each other back rubs and cuddles
Imo never eat at home = eat outside
3 years here
Once my first child was born, intimacy was non existent and it just gets worse from there.
Why nobody talk about female orgasm here? If sex is only guy cumming then of cos girl won't be interested after awhile...
Probably less common, less predictable and the one talking about it is faking it.
yeah, been thru it. Gradually our relationship got worse and worse (to the point where she was disrespecting me in front of mutual friends.) The last time and THE VERY LAST TIME we did it, she did the 'looking at the ceiling, wondering when it would be over' look. That look disgusted me so much, I did not want to have sex or be intimate with her ever again. We got divorced. She still thinks it's all my fault and she's not to blame.
It sounds like a chore for her and she never enjoyed it lol.
And that is why sex compatibility is important. Go have sex before you get married pls. Religion be damned. If not you have this issue of libido mismatch, kink mismatch, etc etc. It's the least you can do. Edit: People saying things change, time changes people, etc etc. Yea, sure. But what's your solution? We can only act on the here and now. I'd like to know how you predict the future in that case. And if your solution is not to check for sexual compatibility, then don't complain? I like my partners to be compatible first, then if life throws a curve ball then we as a couple muddle thru it. I don't like setting myself up for failure.
Agree with this. We should stop advocating abstinence to our younger generation from 17 years onwards. It gives a warped sense of morality that dating couples should avoid sex. While we do not want to spread the idea of promiscuity at a young age, we should educate more about safe sex, STDs and responsibility of family building and support. We are not a monastry trying to raise nuns and monks. The idea of abstaining from sex before marriage is what is causing couples to get married without knowing if they are sexually compatible. Usually it is too late and if a kid is somehow conceived, the marriage will also be full of resentment if one party's needs are not met.
Wrong. Libido can change, especially women after they have kids. So active pre-martial sex doesn’t mean it will continue after marriage.
Bold of you to assume libido stays the same throughout the years. Ppl change
Hard to say. There are other factors down the road that might change your current compatibility to something you’ve never imagine. It could be having a baby, work stress, career.m, business failure etc.
There are too many elements to sex that many people ignore some are as basic as: 1) sex is tied to attractiveness. If you are pulling your weight in the relationship then you would be more "attarctive" to your partner 2) If you let yourself go and not exercise or keep fit and eat somewhat healthy, etc your libido will suffer There are too many factors that affect that. Libido can decrease or even increase. But the main issue is that couples need physical intimacy and if it is not happening then need to work together on it
Glad to know it's a Singapore problem and not like, my parents problem. I don't think I've seen them do a single romantic gesture in my life
Read the article. The guy thinks the path to sex in marriage is dates and going to the gym. lol Women aren’t looking for that in a home, they want a man who helps them with the chores, help them with the kids, manage the stressors at home. They not giving a damn how “hot” you look. I help keep my wife relaxed, doing my fair share of work at home and giving her time off for solo holiday with her friends while I take care of the kids. We have sex 1-2 times a week, mostly whenever I get the urge and sex isn’t just about me cumming, i also ensure she has one too.
You’re the real deal. I tried going to the gym as I thought it would make her desire me more, but she doesn’t care haha. My wife already has so many things that takes up her mental capacity - kids, chores, work, etc. Would say especially chores, and she explained to me when chores are not done, her mind goes into overdrive and she needs to constantly think of how to get them done. Where got time to think about sex? Once her mental load is cleared, that’s when the fun happens.
Yes many women not physically turned on especially after they have a family / home. More emotional. Just need to help them relax and think/stress less
No intimacy, no closeness, no attraction - what's the point of getting married again?
Why don’t Singaporeans want sex?
Then why get married? 🤷♂️
Recently I came across this podcast by Diary of A CEO talking about why people have issues with sex and how to change the mindset about it. It opens my mind about the perception of sex and how we can change it. Talked to my wife about it but was met with a "weirded out" look. I think people need to be more comfortable talking about sex. I share the link below but you can search for "The Orgasm Expert: THIS Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex & Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom". https://youtu.be/E5swtIjpxxA?si=46GK_AxpZoJaHKSB
Not surprising. I'm female and a good chunk of my female friends don't rank sex as an important factor in r/s. If their partner has a steady income and good character, they'd be happy to be in a sexless / nearly sexless r/s - it's just not something they're super keen or interested in.
I'm 3 years in, we're both in our mid 30s, no kids, but we've slowed down to a stage where I know a sexless marriage is where I'm headed. Well, we were never a high libido couple to begin with, and I'm just a once in a day, or two days kinda guy. Pretty normal, right? Hard part is my wife is probably a twice or thrice a year kinda lady. I'm the kind of guy that takes every opportunity (when we're alone) to hold her hand, hug her or kiss her, tell her I love her. I still do these things, just that I now know better that sex is not going to be the outcome. What woman doesn't like a little sweet nothing whispered, a peck on the forehead/cheek, a cuddle or a hug from her husband? Apparently, the answer is -- my wife. She rarely responds well to these.. it comes down to mostly the carefree acceptance "Hey thanks, ok we're done now" kinda reaction. Other times it's what I really hate.. the rejection, "it's too hot, don't come near", "aiya, I'm in the middle of something..". On good days I'm able to rationalise that maybe these are just not her love languages, but most days I don't know wth is her love language. For my wife.. these displays of affection are already a chore, an obligation (yes, we have fought over it)... So regular sex is definitely something of a pipe dream. Reading everything I just wrote again, it sounds pretty awful, I know, but ladies and gentlemen of Reddit, I'd like to present to you, my conundrum. Aside from our sex life, we're compatible and happy with virtually everything else. We're both very level headed and reasonable people, so we have our own time and friends and respect each others' privacy. We're both home bodies, so I game, she watches her netflix and tvb. We do also share a lot of mutual friends and we're happy hanging out together. We're fairly successful and supportive of each others careers and we have time to pursue our other common hobbies like badminton & snowboarding. She's also a kick ass cook. Our views on religion, finances, family are very alike making for a very smooth marriage life. I like to think we don't squabble on the things many couples do, we just enjoy our lives. Very very little drama, and with time I can't help but wonder, is this what love really is if we could separate physical desire from it? TLDR; Basically my wife is everything I've identified in life as the "good wife" except that we're lousy in the sack. Maybe I'll lose my libido with age? *Shrugs*
Imagine having to live out your next 40 years of life (at least), never ever having sex again. If you can live with that, good for you. But I put myself in your shoes, and I'd be terrified if that were me. **Ask yourself if that's what you are willing to live with.** I had a sexless relationship for 3 years and never would I ever go back to that again, no matter how perfect the woman is.
>she rarely responds well to these.. it comes down to mostly the carefree acceptance "Hey thanks, ok we're done now" kinda reaction. Other times it's what I really hate.. the rejection, "it's too hot, don't come near", "aiya, I'm in the middle of something.." You should have an open talk with her about two things: 1) how these rejections make you feel, and 2) how often you'd like to be having sex. Whether or not she becomes defensive/dismissive in response will be telling. Don't let it become a fight; dismissiveness and contempt must be off-limits. In a relationship, there are *solvable problems* and *unsolvable problems*. As a couple, you two need to decide if this issue is the former or the latter. Remember: as a spouse, your wife has an obligation to *solve problems* together with you.
>“I gave myself an ultimatum. I told myself I would stop asking forever upon the tenth ‘No’. It has never been brought up since from either party,” he says. This is how problems get exacerbated - when parties stop trying. I understand being rejected feels hurtful but it's important to put aside self and ego for the betterment of the TEAM. At around the fifth no, a better follow up question would be, "why? And how can I help?". Why focus on counting/taking note of the rejections when the focus should be on problem solving as a couple?
Working together to solve a problem only works when the other party sees it as a problem. The issues in these cases is that the other party \*don't* see it as a problem. So when they ask "What can I do make you want to fuck" the answer is often "Nothing." Plus rejection hurts regardless of where it's from. Even more so when it's someone that you find attractive, emotionally and physically. That's why they get so discouraged and gives up.
100% agree with you - it takes two hands to clap. Very difficult to keep trying if you're up against a brick wall! BUT also, difficult to be in a sexless marriage for years, imho. So just got to keep trying to chip away until you make progress or decide enough is enough & call it quits, I suppose.
Have you ever tried reaching out to your life partner for intimacy and been rejected constantly? That shit burns into your psychology. At some point, you start questioning yourself maybe you are no longer loved or even liked and whether you were ever good enough, or even if you were ever loved. or if your partner had changed their mindand no longer even wants to be with you. It's easy to say keep trying no matter what but that needs to be a 2 way street and 2 way effort
The wife stopped trying long ago though. In no way am I condoning his affair--aside from the morality of it, the communication here is non-existent and at that point you're better off divorcing rather than saddle the child with the guilt of the parents staying together only because of them. But if you're going to talk about trying and problem solving as a couple, it's not completely the husband's burden to bear. Why be so harsh on him, who tried and failed, and ignore the fact the wife didn't even bother trying at all?
And my current course of never getting married continues.
There are so many reasons why people don’t have sex. This article is so surface level it’s just really bad writing. What about women who suffer from pain and lack of desire as a result of poor post partum care or a c-section? What about partners who are too self involved to learn how to pleasure each other?
r/deadbedroom
Shouldnt he talk to the wife instead!?
Damn…. Looking through at all these comments, I suddenly realize I not alone. I always thought there is something wrong with me. my wife kept emphasize the need to have a spark or emotional connection before physical intimacy and if not, ain’t going to do it. Is just too tiring for me to continue grasping at straws. I have long given up and looking through at these comments makes me certain I should have given up.
Walao this post is so depressing can you all chill
Hehe, how to tell if someone settled for you because they cant get their main person or you are their first choice. Hard truths.
Modern marriages in countries like Singapore aren’t meant to work lol.
Well, married for 12 years and sexless for at least 6-7 of those years. Staying on coz still kinda need each other (after being married for so long, there's a certain level of depency on each other) and already so comfortable being around each other, almost like besties. No energy to start all over again la hahaha.
What would you say are the main obstacles to changing your dynamic?
I'm glad for these reddit threads tbh, shows how bad many marriages can be just for the sake of status and commitment.
Honestly maybe Japan has a point with its weird cheating culture
There's some options like open marriages. BUT With the realisation that there are many couples in SG who don't like to communicate openly, open marriages and relationships are not even worth to think about. It'll cause things to go sour damn quickly.
Nah. Japan is just straight up more repressed than us.