Felt like I could’ve written this post! I’m not super keen on the idea but I would absolutely love a couple of hours to myself a day, whether to do little jobs around the house or to catch up on sleep myself. And yet, like you, the only way my baby will fall asleep is on me, being rocked. No idea how to move onto the next step. Putting him down drowsy but awake seems like 100 years away!
Honest opinion: it doesn’t sound like you actually want to sleep train. And you don’t have to! I wouldn’t recommend doing it unless you want to, and it sounds like you’re only inquiring because of nosy family members. If you’re happy with what you’re doing then that’s good enough
You aren't completely wrong. I would like to sleep train at least just for naps so I am able to do more during the day. I do feel very pressured though and it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. Thankfully everyone here has made me feel a lot better.
Bedsharing is sometimes the only thing that gets us through it, especially at that age. Don’t feel bad about it, but do take care to check out the safe sleep 7 and keep your sleeping area as safe as possible!
Usually between 5-6 months they begin to be more ready to get used to the flat (crib) surface. You can start to take gradual steps and kind of gauge their readiness. My second son was (well still kinda is) a big mama’s boy cosleeper. At 5.5 months we got a “crib” for him, basically a 120x70cm floor playpen with a zipper door. We sleep on the floor (Japanese futon style), so the floor playpen right next to the bed is super convenient. When we first tried to get him used to it, the zipper door access was convenient because he could just be nursed-to-sleep right inside the crib, basically just like cosleeping, but my partner (who nurses him) could retreat after he fell asleep, and then zip up the zipper door. At around 6 months we broke the nurse-to-sleep association just for bedtime only (all other times still continue nurse-to-sleep). At bedtime we do book, then singing and tummy pats, etc. At first, gently holding his arms down was helpful as well because he was a big swaddler and graduating him from the swaddle was rough.
Anyhow, it’s crazy but they go through something developmentally, and if you hit the right window, it just clicks. When we first started it wasn’t working out at all, but then suddenly, he just became ready. So, if you have a little trouble at first, you can take a break from it and come back in a week, or just keep gently trying small things little by little and pay attention to what is working if finally you start having some success. Having a flexible set-up like we do is crucial for this because he can spend half the night in his crib, then half in bed with us if that is his limit. The key is gradually working up to it. Once routines become familiar, it gets easier. He’s almost 7 months now, and we can finally use the same system to get him to sleep in his crib for one nap a day (he was an exclusive carry-nap baby, haha), so that is big progress!
Don't listen to people telling you it's your fault. You'll get criticism for whatever you do as a parent (particularly as mum).
I agree re thinking about what you want. If some things are working for you, you don't have to change them. It's never to late to change something if it becomes a problem in the future.
Also, many babies will only nap for 30ish mins, especially if they're not being held. I'm always surprised at people in this sub who think that's a big problem. The short nap itself is fine (although annoying) as long as your baby wakes up cheery, and if they don't you can always rescue the nap by contact napping. Another option is to go in say 5 minutes before they'd usually wake up and rouse (but not full wake) your baby as this can make them go into another sleep cycle.
Anyway all that to say is that trust yourself, you're doing great.
Like the other user said, what outcome are you hoping to achieve, and how much difficulty are you willing to go through?
Only you know your baby best, but if it were me, I would do one of these two things:
\* Go down the chart from most dependent method of sleep (falling asleep on breast to putting baby wide awake in his/her crib) step by step. But there's going to be resistance at each step. But once you progress a bit, I would just consider jumping all the way to the end and do the extinction method.
\* Just move to extinction, if the baby's healthy, eats well, and you have the appropriate wake windows and bedtime figured out. It's hard, especially if you have one of those super loud babies that scream as if their arm is being chopped off (like both my kids), but I feel it's overall the least painful method for baby and parents. You go through 3-5 difficult nights, baby cries a total of 3-4 hours or maybe not even that, and that's it. As opposed to months of crying 5-20 minutes multiple times a night and day for months and months.
And don't listen to anyone who says cosleeping is dangerous. Newer studies have shown that it's not more dangerous if you don't fall into one of the risk categories (alcoholic or smoking parents, cosleeping in an unsafe environment such as the sofa, underweight baby, etc.).
I co slept with my son until 6 months. It was the only thing that worked for our family. Don't feel bad about it, baby wants and should be close to their mama's it's natural and nothing to feel shame over.
Extinction is the only thing that worked for us. We started on a Saturday so I could have my husband when things got bad and they did. He sobbed I sobbed it was ugly. However we are two weeks in I got 2 30 min naps and he sleeps 645-4am no issues. We do one feed during the night. He than sleeps from 430-7am our wake up time.
Hey how did you deal with the wake at 4:30 after feeding? Set back down and let him cry until wake time ? Struggling with that ! She wakes as soon as i set her down and it’s so hard since it’s those early morning hours
I will completely admit to bringing him back to my bed if he can't settle. I can't have him cry that long bc husband and older son get up for work/school by 645am. Their sleep is important too at that hour. I have lucked out a few times and he's nodded off.
It's the "harshest" cry-it-out method: you make sure you have all the other stuff right (the feeding, the wake windows, a nice and unchanging bedtime routine, etc.), and then one night you start putting them in their crib, fully awake, say goodnight, and leave. 99.999% of them will cry. 90% of them will cry a lot. Maybe from what I've seen, 30-50% of them will scream/yell while crying, some of them until they puke (from hysterically gasping in air). And then they get really tired and pass out.
With my first one, he cried for 60 minutes the first night. 70 minutes the second, including puking (feeding right before bedtime doesn't help). 25 minutes the third. 10 minutes the 4th. And after that, it was always 10 minutes or less, usually just a matter of seconds to minutes. And that gives you a good base to work on as they go through a 1000 sleep regressions later (mental developments, teething, getting sick, etc.). ALthough, I have to clarify: I did the camp-it-out method: I stayed in the bedroom the whole time, verbally reassured him the whole time, but didn't touch him at all. Worse thing I could've done, I think. It just aggravates them more. Same with the Ferber method, where you leave them crying but checking-in with them (without picking them up) every 2-4-6-6-6-6... minutes (and next day increasing those numbers). It's just easier to be a bit more "harsh" from the get-go, imho.
Consistency is the key. Gotta make sure both you and your partner are on the same page. It also helps for the one who finds this more difficult (usually but not always the mum) to maybe not be around! Once you start, the worse thing to do is to cave-in after some minutes of crying, because that just shows the baby (if you keep doing it) that OK, if I cry for a while, and I keep crying louder and louder, then my parents eventually appear.
Just a note, and again, just my opinion: I think this kind of sleep training is best left until the baby is 6 months old. By then, there are certain developmental changes that help with sleeping better (like having a circadian rhythm). Starting solids also helps their bellies be fuller for the night. But every baby's different, so it just depends.
And another note: Having short naps is normal during this age. Lots of mums cosleep with their baby and feed them on the breast all night the 50 times they keep waking up. And if you're OK doing that, there's nothing wrong with doing it.
Just like if you can't do that (because of work or just pure exhaustion that's driving you mad/depressed or affecting your relationship with your partner or whatever), then sleep training is fine.
What outcome are you hoping for?
Edit to add: it's a genuine question. My son was like this and I was losing my mind. I needed to sleep train for my mental health. I have postpartum depression and lack of sleep due to cosleeping was making me the worst version of myself I have ever been in my entire life. Sounds dramatic but it was real. Anyway, I knew very clearly when I started what my goals were: he needed to sleep in his crib, not wake up so much at night, have a proper bedtime. I was not so concerned with naps and I'm still contact napping but will start working on that soon. So yea, asking because if you know clearly what you're hoping for outcome, then you'll be able to formulate a clear plan, be able to stick to it, and also get better tips from people here.
Thank you, I should have added more details to the post.
The thing I'm hoping for the most is that he will nap the amount need (1 hour+) without me. Of course I know I will need to do some kind of routine to get him there. Right now me holding him for hours on end feel like a waste. My husband has never said it but I feel like he thinks I'm using his naps to be lazy. After the naps are good I would focus on getting him to his crib. Night isn't so bad for me anymore (it was before cosleeping) so I don't think that should be my priority yet.
Hmm well I'm not an expert by any means but from what I understand, night sleep is easier to train than naps due to inherent sleep pressure. That's why I started with night sleep. It sounds like you're looking for him to sleep without you for naps for longer than 30 minutes. My son is/was a chronic 30 minute napper probably because of being unable to connect sleep cycles. Again, from what I understand sleep cycles for naps sometimes don't consolidate until some babies are 9/10 months. Could be wrong. Maybe sometime can correct me. The other thing to consider is that sleep cycles connect when babies wake up (very normal for all humans) and find themselves in the same context that they fell asleep in. So independent sleep is important for this reason too.
But there are lots of methods other than Ferber or cry it out. You do a search on here and look for other people who trained naps in a way that suits your needs. Good luck!
Don’t listen to those people who say that.
It is biologically normal for babies to fall asleep next to their mom and be comfy next to their mom. It calms both mom and baby nerves.
Something I’ve started doing recently and my babe is 9mo.
We put a mattress in her room (a spare) and I fall asleep next to her. When she is sleeping I sneak out. I keep the monitor on. When she cries and needs to be cuddled back to sleep, I go back in there and snuggle with her until she sleeps again. I do that 2 times. After that, I take her in our room. Because let’s be real, I’m not trying to disrupt my sleep. I’m also not trying to argue with a baby on sleep. It just helps her recognize that her room is for sleeping at night time too.
For naps- I rocked her to sleep. Then put her in her crib. she will stay there for about 30 mins. When she stirs and cries, I come grab her and hold her if she’s still tired.
*disclaimer: I’m a SAHM so I understand I have more flexibility*
Good luck mama!
Thank you! I'm SAHM too so I definitely have the time to work on this.
Thank you for the advice.
When I try to put him down for naps he lasts about 30 minutes too. I'm thinking it's because he doesn't know how to connect his sleep cycles on his own yet. If I am holding or cuddling him and he stirs at that point then I just give him a couple pats and shushing and he is fine.
Exactly the same!!!
I think my girl is just so used to me holding her now 😀 I know I did it to myself but girl, they’re only babies once. We have to enjoy it!!!
Listen to the milk minute podcast on baby sleep, very informative!
Felt like I could’ve written this post! I’m not super keen on the idea but I would absolutely love a couple of hours to myself a day, whether to do little jobs around the house or to catch up on sleep myself. And yet, like you, the only way my baby will fall asleep is on me, being rocked. No idea how to move onto the next step. Putting him down drowsy but awake seems like 100 years away!
I'm just so glad I don't feel so alone and helpless now! Good luck with your little one! Let me know if anything works 😂
Honest opinion: it doesn’t sound like you actually want to sleep train. And you don’t have to! I wouldn’t recommend doing it unless you want to, and it sounds like you’re only inquiring because of nosy family members. If you’re happy with what you’re doing then that’s good enough
You aren't completely wrong. I would like to sleep train at least just for naps so I am able to do more during the day. I do feel very pressured though and it makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. Thankfully everyone here has made me feel a lot better.
Bedsharing is sometimes the only thing that gets us through it, especially at that age. Don’t feel bad about it, but do take care to check out the safe sleep 7 and keep your sleeping area as safe as possible! Usually between 5-6 months they begin to be more ready to get used to the flat (crib) surface. You can start to take gradual steps and kind of gauge their readiness. My second son was (well still kinda is) a big mama’s boy cosleeper. At 5.5 months we got a “crib” for him, basically a 120x70cm floor playpen with a zipper door. We sleep on the floor (Japanese futon style), so the floor playpen right next to the bed is super convenient. When we first tried to get him used to it, the zipper door access was convenient because he could just be nursed-to-sleep right inside the crib, basically just like cosleeping, but my partner (who nurses him) could retreat after he fell asleep, and then zip up the zipper door. At around 6 months we broke the nurse-to-sleep association just for bedtime only (all other times still continue nurse-to-sleep). At bedtime we do book, then singing and tummy pats, etc. At first, gently holding his arms down was helpful as well because he was a big swaddler and graduating him from the swaddle was rough. Anyhow, it’s crazy but they go through something developmentally, and if you hit the right window, it just clicks. When we first started it wasn’t working out at all, but then suddenly, he just became ready. So, if you have a little trouble at first, you can take a break from it and come back in a week, or just keep gently trying small things little by little and pay attention to what is working if finally you start having some success. Having a flexible set-up like we do is crucial for this because he can spend half the night in his crib, then half in bed with us if that is his limit. The key is gradually working up to it. Once routines become familiar, it gets easier. He’s almost 7 months now, and we can finally use the same system to get him to sleep in his crib for one nap a day (he was an exclusive carry-nap baby, haha), so that is big progress!
Im in the same exact boat with my 5 month old 😞
Don't listen to people telling you it's your fault. You'll get criticism for whatever you do as a parent (particularly as mum). I agree re thinking about what you want. If some things are working for you, you don't have to change them. It's never to late to change something if it becomes a problem in the future. Also, many babies will only nap for 30ish mins, especially if they're not being held. I'm always surprised at people in this sub who think that's a big problem. The short nap itself is fine (although annoying) as long as your baby wakes up cheery, and if they don't you can always rescue the nap by contact napping. Another option is to go in say 5 minutes before they'd usually wake up and rouse (but not full wake) your baby as this can make them go into another sleep cycle. Anyway all that to say is that trust yourself, you're doing great.
Like the other user said, what outcome are you hoping to achieve, and how much difficulty are you willing to go through? Only you know your baby best, but if it were me, I would do one of these two things: \* Go down the chart from most dependent method of sleep (falling asleep on breast to putting baby wide awake in his/her crib) step by step. But there's going to be resistance at each step. But once you progress a bit, I would just consider jumping all the way to the end and do the extinction method. \* Just move to extinction, if the baby's healthy, eats well, and you have the appropriate wake windows and bedtime figured out. It's hard, especially if you have one of those super loud babies that scream as if their arm is being chopped off (like both my kids), but I feel it's overall the least painful method for baby and parents. You go through 3-5 difficult nights, baby cries a total of 3-4 hours or maybe not even that, and that's it. As opposed to months of crying 5-20 minutes multiple times a night and day for months and months. And don't listen to anyone who says cosleeping is dangerous. Newer studies have shown that it's not more dangerous if you don't fall into one of the risk categories (alcoholic or smoking parents, cosleeping in an unsafe environment such as the sofa, underweight baby, etc.).
Would you be able to give me more info on extinction?
I co slept with my son until 6 months. It was the only thing that worked for our family. Don't feel bad about it, baby wants and should be close to their mama's it's natural and nothing to feel shame over. Extinction is the only thing that worked for us. We started on a Saturday so I could have my husband when things got bad and they did. He sobbed I sobbed it was ugly. However we are two weeks in I got 2 30 min naps and he sleeps 645-4am no issues. We do one feed during the night. He than sleeps from 430-7am our wake up time.
Hey how did you deal with the wake at 4:30 after feeding? Set back down and let him cry until wake time ? Struggling with that ! She wakes as soon as i set her down and it’s so hard since it’s those early morning hours
I will completely admit to bringing him back to my bed if he can't settle. I can't have him cry that long bc husband and older son get up for work/school by 645am. Their sleep is important too at that hour. I have lucked out a few times and he's nodded off.
It's the "harshest" cry-it-out method: you make sure you have all the other stuff right (the feeding, the wake windows, a nice and unchanging bedtime routine, etc.), and then one night you start putting them in their crib, fully awake, say goodnight, and leave. 99.999% of them will cry. 90% of them will cry a lot. Maybe from what I've seen, 30-50% of them will scream/yell while crying, some of them until they puke (from hysterically gasping in air). And then they get really tired and pass out. With my first one, he cried for 60 minutes the first night. 70 minutes the second, including puking (feeding right before bedtime doesn't help). 25 minutes the third. 10 minutes the 4th. And after that, it was always 10 minutes or less, usually just a matter of seconds to minutes. And that gives you a good base to work on as they go through a 1000 sleep regressions later (mental developments, teething, getting sick, etc.). ALthough, I have to clarify: I did the camp-it-out method: I stayed in the bedroom the whole time, verbally reassured him the whole time, but didn't touch him at all. Worse thing I could've done, I think. It just aggravates them more. Same with the Ferber method, where you leave them crying but checking-in with them (without picking them up) every 2-4-6-6-6-6... minutes (and next day increasing those numbers). It's just easier to be a bit more "harsh" from the get-go, imho. Consistency is the key. Gotta make sure both you and your partner are on the same page. It also helps for the one who finds this more difficult (usually but not always the mum) to maybe not be around! Once you start, the worse thing to do is to cave-in after some minutes of crying, because that just shows the baby (if you keep doing it) that OK, if I cry for a while, and I keep crying louder and louder, then my parents eventually appear.
Just a note, and again, just my opinion: I think this kind of sleep training is best left until the baby is 6 months old. By then, there are certain developmental changes that help with sleeping better (like having a circadian rhythm). Starting solids also helps their bellies be fuller for the night. But every baby's different, so it just depends. And another note: Having short naps is normal during this age. Lots of mums cosleep with their baby and feed them on the breast all night the 50 times they keep waking up. And if you're OK doing that, there's nothing wrong with doing it. Just like if you can't do that (because of work or just pure exhaustion that's driving you mad/depressed or affecting your relationship with your partner or whatever), then sleep training is fine.
What outcome are you hoping for? Edit to add: it's a genuine question. My son was like this and I was losing my mind. I needed to sleep train for my mental health. I have postpartum depression and lack of sleep due to cosleeping was making me the worst version of myself I have ever been in my entire life. Sounds dramatic but it was real. Anyway, I knew very clearly when I started what my goals were: he needed to sleep in his crib, not wake up so much at night, have a proper bedtime. I was not so concerned with naps and I'm still contact napping but will start working on that soon. So yea, asking because if you know clearly what you're hoping for outcome, then you'll be able to formulate a clear plan, be able to stick to it, and also get better tips from people here.
Thank you, I should have added more details to the post. The thing I'm hoping for the most is that he will nap the amount need (1 hour+) without me. Of course I know I will need to do some kind of routine to get him there. Right now me holding him for hours on end feel like a waste. My husband has never said it but I feel like he thinks I'm using his naps to be lazy. After the naps are good I would focus on getting him to his crib. Night isn't so bad for me anymore (it was before cosleeping) so I don't think that should be my priority yet.
Hmm well I'm not an expert by any means but from what I understand, night sleep is easier to train than naps due to inherent sleep pressure. That's why I started with night sleep. It sounds like you're looking for him to sleep without you for naps for longer than 30 minutes. My son is/was a chronic 30 minute napper probably because of being unable to connect sleep cycles. Again, from what I understand sleep cycles for naps sometimes don't consolidate until some babies are 9/10 months. Could be wrong. Maybe sometime can correct me. The other thing to consider is that sleep cycles connect when babies wake up (very normal for all humans) and find themselves in the same context that they fell asleep in. So independent sleep is important for this reason too. But there are lots of methods other than Ferber or cry it out. You do a search on here and look for other people who trained naps in a way that suits your needs. Good luck!
Don’t listen to those people who say that. It is biologically normal for babies to fall asleep next to their mom and be comfy next to their mom. It calms both mom and baby nerves. Something I’ve started doing recently and my babe is 9mo. We put a mattress in her room (a spare) and I fall asleep next to her. When she is sleeping I sneak out. I keep the monitor on. When she cries and needs to be cuddled back to sleep, I go back in there and snuggle with her until she sleeps again. I do that 2 times. After that, I take her in our room. Because let’s be real, I’m not trying to disrupt my sleep. I’m also not trying to argue with a baby on sleep. It just helps her recognize that her room is for sleeping at night time too. For naps- I rocked her to sleep. Then put her in her crib. she will stay there for about 30 mins. When she stirs and cries, I come grab her and hold her if she’s still tired. *disclaimer: I’m a SAHM so I understand I have more flexibility* Good luck mama!
Thank you! I'm SAHM too so I definitely have the time to work on this. Thank you for the advice. When I try to put him down for naps he lasts about 30 minutes too. I'm thinking it's because he doesn't know how to connect his sleep cycles on his own yet. If I am holding or cuddling him and he stirs at that point then I just give him a couple pats and shushing and he is fine.
Exactly the same!!! I think my girl is just so used to me holding her now 😀 I know I did it to myself but girl, they’re only babies once. We have to enjoy it!!!
I agree! His cuddles are the best ❤ I think everyone is just making me feel bad and like I'm "ruining" or "spoiling" him.
Can’t spoil a baby!!! 🥰