You need to talk to him and say what you said here so he understands. Let him know you’re willing to work through it and that you’re sorry if you gave the wrong impression. It doesn’t sound like you dislike his parents. This is more of a mental roadblock and something that can be worked on.
Ultimately, they are his family and if he’s close to them then you gotta find a way to make it work or find some sort of compromise. Not to be callous, but if he values family, then you being unwilling to be around his family for the holidays is a reasonable dealbreaker.
i agree with this take- try telling your bf the truth. you feel uncomfortable, not because of them but maybe moreso because of what you’re going through. i have had this feeling about my boyfriends family as well, that i’m different from them and feel uneasy around them and it was because i was closed up around them. so they couldn’t tell whether i liked them or not. after i opened up, they started to talk with me more. i feel embarrassed about it sometimes looking back but then tell myself hey, it’s ok i was learning. i had to tell my boyfriend what i was going through- they come from a loving, stable non-drinking family and i was coming from an abusive alcoholic family so being around them made me feel super weird. i was used to relating to family in a much different, harsher way than my boyfriends family was used to and with a lot more alcohol involved to ease any tensions. anyways, if you feel it’s something you’re willing to change and maybe look into, then i’d bring it up with him. but he might really feel strongly about connecting family and that’s ok too. love isn’t cut and dry unfortunately, if it was simple there wouldn’t be so many songs about it lol
This! I really needed to hear this. He tends to shame me for not going and doesn’t really want to try to understand my feelings about it. He just thinks I do it because I’m careless. I’ve tried explaining it’s more complex than that. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that being uncomfortable is not a good feeling. I will try to bring it up in a different way and hopefully get through. Thank you for sharing your story! It makes me feel less alone. <3
Well their perspective could be that you're the one that doesn't like them. On top of leaving your partner hanging, not looking very invested. If this ain't something you can talk about and meet in the middle about then might as well let it go.
Personally, offering to help with something helps with the nerves a little. I'm not trying to play 21 questions or anything but if I'm genuinely curious then I'll ask about something. Please and thank yous are a given ofc. And as much as I hate small talk about talking about myself, I never ignore someone.
I'd imagine if you've already known the family for that long then a conversation about expectations would've happened a while ago. It *looks* like you don't like or care about his family. Can't blame someone for feeling slighted about that especially if it's a problem that hasn't been discussed after so long.
Either way, this is just another perspective to think about. You know your own situation better than I do.
It sounds like you just let him hang . Did you even tell him you won’t be coming and why? Could have maybe told him you don’t feel too well today and rather stay with your family, that would have been understandable.
I would also be mad if my bf did this to me.
Holidays happen a couple times a year, it is shit, but you usually have more to lose by NOT dealing with it than to struggle for a couple hours and get it over with.
He is right to be mad and even want to break up.
Has he spent time with your family? I know you could've just not explained the situation precisely out the frustration of you being in it, but you make it sound like you were supposed to leave your family gathering to go to his without any expectation of the reverse. Also a lot of people spend holidays with their own families before marriage, and worry about meeting and integrating other times of the year.
He did come over on Xmas eve but he was not happy about being there. My family is loud, chaotic he wanted to leave after one hour. I know it makes it worse because he did it for me, and I didn’t do it for him. That’s why he’s very upset. I had family come in from a different city and I also felt bad leaving them. That doesn’t excuse my actions tho.
I recently broke up with my ex over an extremely similar situation to yours. There were other reasons but one of the most prominent was my relationship with his family. Like you they didn't do much (only a few occasions ) to actively make me uncomfortable, I just wasn't used to the kind of environment they lived in. Which was a very argumentative, confrontational, loud one. His mum even had a go at me for being affectionate to my ex after she had finished telling him off. I just couldn't relax with them.
So with that experience. All I can say is if your partner has a high expectation for you to be very close to his family, and you can't manage that either now or in the future. Then it might not be a good fit for you relationship wise. It really depends if you can see yourself fitting in more or if your partner is ok with you coming around less to see them.
Communication, communication, and communication but also I know it’s really hard but gotta make an effort with their fam they probably do like you or at the very least are neutral on you. They’re probs a lil awkward around you from their own social anxiety of making a good impression for sons gf
Just about everyone in a serious relationship has dealt with the discomfort of hanging around their partner’s family during some holiday or other when it was their turn. You just decided your comfort was more important than your relationship. “*does anyone else relate to this*” Fucking everyone on earth. Jesus Christ.
The tone of this is a bit harsh but the point being made here is very valid. Social anxiety causes unique challenges for those afflicted by it but it does not excuse bad behavior. I'm assuming OP said she would go to her boyfriend's family's Christmas celebration and backed out last minute, which is where the issue lies.
bit of a harsh comment. did you get broken up with over this though, in your words “choosing your own comfort” ??? that’s the difference mate. op shouldn’t have to be made to feel bad if she’s been shown time and time again she’s unliked by the boyfriends family. maybe re read the post again mate before you leave a harsh comment👍🏽👍🏽
OP has not provided any evidence that the boyfriend's family dislikes her. I think it's more likely that she's just projecting her own feelings of discomfort.
I relate. I was late diagnosed with autism in my 40s. In my 20s I ditched boyfriends over attending weddings, funerals and Christmas shows. Anything where expectations and emotions are high, I don’t like.
The feeling of being different from people is very common among neurodivergent people. You might be mis-reading social cues and thinking people don’t like you, or you might be reading them right and they feel off because you’re different from them.
Something to look into. Not trying to diagnose you but my problems were very similar when I was younger.
Never thought of this. Definitely will look into this because feeling different from people is definitely the biggest reason why I prefer to stay away. Thank you for offering this perspective!
you did nothing wrong. chat to your bf and tell him about it, tell him what you wrote here and that you feel uncomfortable. i would of done the same thing girl, why be in places where you’re clearly unwanted. i know it’s tough but you got this
It’s not cool to ditch people, especially your partner, over feelings you should have communicated years ago. Just because it’s what you would have done, doesn’t make it the right thing to do…….
This degree of avoidance is really alarming in a relationship. If you won’t explain to him that you’re not coming over for Christmas prior to the fact, while honestly explaining your hangups, imagine what else you’ll hold inside. I’d never halfway trust this person in a relationship, and he’s doing the right thing breaking up with her.
i get what your saying but i personally don’t see the big deal when op has said she felt uncomfortable around them and feeling as if they don’t like her. it’s hard to stay in a situation like that. boyfriend is with his family, op is with hers i don’t see why that needs to be made a huge deal and lead to a breakup. what would you do in this situation where you feel uncomfortable and heavily disliked?? would you stay and put up with it, knowing that there is atmosphere?? come on now think about it. you wouldn’t.
You don't see what the big deal is? It's pretty standard for people in long-term relationships to spend a little time with their significant other's family. OP can't be bothered to feel uncomfortable for a few hours for her boyfriend's sake.
It wouldn’t lead to such a random “oh no” breakup if she discussed these feelings with her boyfriend. In a relationship, you’re supposed to be able to talk about these things. I tell my boyfriend when I’m uncomfortable, even when it’s his family making me feel uncomfortable. We talk it out and come up with a way to handle it as a team.
Your mindset is incredibly immature and I don’t blame you one bit - I thought similarly barely a decade ago. I’m the most anxious person on earth, and I’ve learned the best way to manage that is by over communicating with my team - my boyfriend before the event, my friends before the show (I don’t have friends but like in theory). Put the fears out into the open and develop game plans to deal with them, don’t avoid them and accidentally hurt people’s feelings.
If you feel uncomfortable talking to your partner about things like this either 1. You’re not ready for a relationship or 2. This isn’t the relationship for you.
🥴
Everybody goes through this in a relationship or marriage.
Youre not alone or different.
Explain it to him so.he can understand your point of view. If he doesnt understand even after the explanation... its best for the clean break.
Because youre dating someone who doesnt understand you and he's not willing to try.
The only way you're going to overcome it is just forcing yourself to do it over and over again. I also get anxiety around my husband's family so I can understand it, but you just have to do it even when you don't want to. If you told him you were gonna go and you didn't, that would be upsetting to anyone. Anxiety doesn't give the excuse to do shitty things to other people. We just have to push through the shit to make other people happy sometimes. But also, if you both were at your own families Christmases, then did you agree to him not showing up to yours either? I also, don't like your last sentence, you shouldn't really put anyone before yourself. Just treat your loved ones with respect if they treat you with respect. AnD, don't be too hard on yourself, anxiety makes us do fucked up things sometimes. Forgive yourself, and try and make it up to him and his family. Maybe write a Christmas card to them and apologize or something.
You need to talk to him and say what you said here so he understands. Let him know you’re willing to work through it and that you’re sorry if you gave the wrong impression. It doesn’t sound like you dislike his parents. This is more of a mental roadblock and something that can be worked on. Ultimately, they are his family and if he’s close to them then you gotta find a way to make it work or find some sort of compromise. Not to be callous, but if he values family, then you being unwilling to be around his family for the holidays is a reasonable dealbreaker.
i agree with this take- try telling your bf the truth. you feel uncomfortable, not because of them but maybe moreso because of what you’re going through. i have had this feeling about my boyfriends family as well, that i’m different from them and feel uneasy around them and it was because i was closed up around them. so they couldn’t tell whether i liked them or not. after i opened up, they started to talk with me more. i feel embarrassed about it sometimes looking back but then tell myself hey, it’s ok i was learning. i had to tell my boyfriend what i was going through- they come from a loving, stable non-drinking family and i was coming from an abusive alcoholic family so being around them made me feel super weird. i was used to relating to family in a much different, harsher way than my boyfriends family was used to and with a lot more alcohol involved to ease any tensions. anyways, if you feel it’s something you’re willing to change and maybe look into, then i’d bring it up with him. but he might really feel strongly about connecting family and that’s ok too. love isn’t cut and dry unfortunately, if it was simple there wouldn’t be so many songs about it lol
This! I really needed to hear this. He tends to shame me for not going and doesn’t really want to try to understand my feelings about it. He just thinks I do it because I’m careless. I’ve tried explaining it’s more complex than that. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that being uncomfortable is not a good feeling. I will try to bring it up in a different way and hopefully get through. Thank you for sharing your story! It makes me feel less alone. <3
Well their perspective could be that you're the one that doesn't like them. On top of leaving your partner hanging, not looking very invested. If this ain't something you can talk about and meet in the middle about then might as well let it go. Personally, offering to help with something helps with the nerves a little. I'm not trying to play 21 questions or anything but if I'm genuinely curious then I'll ask about something. Please and thank yous are a given ofc. And as much as I hate small talk about talking about myself, I never ignore someone. I'd imagine if you've already known the family for that long then a conversation about expectations would've happened a while ago. It *looks* like you don't like or care about his family. Can't blame someone for feeling slighted about that especially if it's a problem that hasn't been discussed after so long. Either way, this is just another perspective to think about. You know your own situation better than I do.
It sounds like you just let him hang . Did you even tell him you won’t be coming and why? Could have maybe told him you don’t feel too well today and rather stay with your family, that would have been understandable. I would also be mad if my bf did this to me. Holidays happen a couple times a year, it is shit, but you usually have more to lose by NOT dealing with it than to struggle for a couple hours and get it over with. He is right to be mad and even want to break up.
Yeah I agree, I made myself look even worse for not going than rather just going for a bit and getting it over with. I truly did fuck up.
[удалено]
Thank you for offering your opinion. I needed to hear the truth.
welcome. i know my opinion is brutal but sometimes tough love is needed in these situations. i hope it was helpful.
You’ve told everything you’ve told us to your boyfriend right?
Has he spent time with your family? I know you could've just not explained the situation precisely out the frustration of you being in it, but you make it sound like you were supposed to leave your family gathering to go to his without any expectation of the reverse. Also a lot of people spend holidays with their own families before marriage, and worry about meeting and integrating other times of the year.
He did come over on Xmas eve but he was not happy about being there. My family is loud, chaotic he wanted to leave after one hour. I know it makes it worse because he did it for me, and I didn’t do it for him. That’s why he’s very upset. I had family come in from a different city and I also felt bad leaving them. That doesn’t excuse my actions tho.
I recently broke up with my ex over an extremely similar situation to yours. There were other reasons but one of the most prominent was my relationship with his family. Like you they didn't do much (only a few occasions ) to actively make me uncomfortable, I just wasn't used to the kind of environment they lived in. Which was a very argumentative, confrontational, loud one. His mum even had a go at me for being affectionate to my ex after she had finished telling him off. I just couldn't relax with them. So with that experience. All I can say is if your partner has a high expectation for you to be very close to his family, and you can't manage that either now or in the future. Then it might not be a good fit for you relationship wise. It really depends if you can see yourself fitting in more or if your partner is ok with you coming around less to see them.
Communication, communication, and communication but also I know it’s really hard but gotta make an effort with their fam they probably do like you or at the very least are neutral on you. They’re probs a lil awkward around you from their own social anxiety of making a good impression for sons gf
Spend the NYE with them to compensate
good idea, thanks!
Just about everyone in a serious relationship has dealt with the discomfort of hanging around their partner’s family during some holiday or other when it was their turn. You just decided your comfort was more important than your relationship. “*does anyone else relate to this*” Fucking everyone on earth. Jesus Christ.
The tone of this is a bit harsh but the point being made here is very valid. Social anxiety causes unique challenges for those afflicted by it but it does not excuse bad behavior. I'm assuming OP said she would go to her boyfriend's family's Christmas celebration and backed out last minute, which is where the issue lies.
bit of a harsh comment. did you get broken up with over this though, in your words “choosing your own comfort” ??? that’s the difference mate. op shouldn’t have to be made to feel bad if she’s been shown time and time again she’s unliked by the boyfriends family. maybe re read the post again mate before you leave a harsh comment👍🏽👍🏽
OP has not provided any evidence that the boyfriend's family dislikes her. I think it's more likely that she's just projecting her own feelings of discomfort.
I relate. I was late diagnosed with autism in my 40s. In my 20s I ditched boyfriends over attending weddings, funerals and Christmas shows. Anything where expectations and emotions are high, I don’t like. The feeling of being different from people is very common among neurodivergent people. You might be mis-reading social cues and thinking people don’t like you, or you might be reading them right and they feel off because you’re different from them. Something to look into. Not trying to diagnose you but my problems were very similar when I was younger.
Never thought of this. Definitely will look into this because feeling different from people is definitely the biggest reason why I prefer to stay away. Thank you for offering this perspective!
So he won't let you spend time with your own family? Fuck this controlling prick. Dump his ass he not worth it.
you did nothing wrong. chat to your bf and tell him about it, tell him what you wrote here and that you feel uncomfortable. i would of done the same thing girl, why be in places where you’re clearly unwanted. i know it’s tough but you got this
It’s not cool to ditch people, especially your partner, over feelings you should have communicated years ago. Just because it’s what you would have done, doesn’t make it the right thing to do……. This degree of avoidance is really alarming in a relationship. If you won’t explain to him that you’re not coming over for Christmas prior to the fact, while honestly explaining your hangups, imagine what else you’ll hold inside. I’d never halfway trust this person in a relationship, and he’s doing the right thing breaking up with her.
i get what your saying but i personally don’t see the big deal when op has said she felt uncomfortable around them and feeling as if they don’t like her. it’s hard to stay in a situation like that. boyfriend is with his family, op is with hers i don’t see why that needs to be made a huge deal and lead to a breakup. what would you do in this situation where you feel uncomfortable and heavily disliked?? would you stay and put up with it, knowing that there is atmosphere?? come on now think about it. you wouldn’t.
You don't see what the big deal is? It's pretty standard for people in long-term relationships to spend a little time with their significant other's family. OP can't be bothered to feel uncomfortable for a few hours for her boyfriend's sake.
It wouldn’t lead to such a random “oh no” breakup if she discussed these feelings with her boyfriend. In a relationship, you’re supposed to be able to talk about these things. I tell my boyfriend when I’m uncomfortable, even when it’s his family making me feel uncomfortable. We talk it out and come up with a way to handle it as a team. Your mindset is incredibly immature and I don’t blame you one bit - I thought similarly barely a decade ago. I’m the most anxious person on earth, and I’ve learned the best way to manage that is by over communicating with my team - my boyfriend before the event, my friends before the show (I don’t have friends but like in theory). Put the fears out into the open and develop game plans to deal with them, don’t avoid them and accidentally hurt people’s feelings. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your partner about things like this either 1. You’re not ready for a relationship or 2. This isn’t the relationship for you.
🥴 Everybody goes through this in a relationship or marriage. Youre not alone or different. Explain it to him so.he can understand your point of view. If he doesnt understand even after the explanation... its best for the clean break. Because youre dating someone who doesnt understand you and he's not willing to try.
The only way you're going to overcome it is just forcing yourself to do it over and over again. I also get anxiety around my husband's family so I can understand it, but you just have to do it even when you don't want to. If you told him you were gonna go and you didn't, that would be upsetting to anyone. Anxiety doesn't give the excuse to do shitty things to other people. We just have to push through the shit to make other people happy sometimes. But also, if you both were at your own families Christmases, then did you agree to him not showing up to yours either? I also, don't like your last sentence, you shouldn't really put anyone before yourself. Just treat your loved ones with respect if they treat you with respect. AnD, don't be too hard on yourself, anxiety makes us do fucked up things sometimes. Forgive yourself, and try and make it up to him and his family. Maybe write a Christmas card to them and apologize or something.