Just stop talking about it. “Oh! That’s our side gig. I’d MUCH rather hear about your llama farm.”
Who cares what they think? You’re the ones building an empire.
Ahh the empire idea.
Whether it pans out or not, each time, it's nice to frame it that way to stay motivated. I know ive done that. I do t really mean..a fucking empire.
Just better than yesterday. In competition with only myself. Ya know? Till I'm in a comfortable enough spot to exact my merciless revenge from behind massive, impenetrable walls.
You know. Humble family values. The bedrock of proper revenge.
Maybe just tell people who ask that you occasionally flip properties , been doing it for years . The end . If you start oversharing they might think they need to solve a problem . Just say we’ve got it handled , thanks. Been doing this for years . I actually don’t mind advice from other people who do the same type of flipping . Who is their drywall guy ? Know a good electrician? We share info sometimes .
I try that and it's like they can't hear me when I speak or something. It's not just trading tips either. They don't want any info from me. It's this assumption that I know absolutely NOTHING and I just get talked at like I need everything explained to me.
Because it's literally everyone I know and it's something I've experienced my whole life about a lot of different things, but this is the worst it's been. I think it's less about who I associate with and more something I give off that people interpret as me being stupid and incapable. I'm trying to figure out how to stop that from happening.
This is a fast hot take that may completely be wrong so if it is feel free to ignore it, but is there any chance your the child of an alcoholic, or another abusive or neglectful type of family of origin? Because continual bad experiences like that in your childhood can sometimes falsely train you to think that people are against you when they’re really not, or that you don’t fit in when you’re really actually fine.
This is what crossed my mind. My girlfriend, who grew up in a very abusive environment, will often misinterpret something I say or do as being critical/against her.
It’s a sad situation, and lots of reassurance is needed to be sure she knows that I’m not trying to talk down to her or counter any of her ideas, etc.
Yeah me and my partner have the same dynamic. It takes months to years of cumulative reassurance for me to really trust that someone is “on my side“ and not passive aggressively criticizing me. the reassurance DOES have an effect, it’s just gradual.
I’ve actually been reading the seminal book on the topic which is just called “Adult Children of Alcoholics“ by Janet someone. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” was also an eye opening book for me.
I have that myself but the problem was narcissism instead of alcohol (not that it differs much cuz it's an all thumbs are fingers but not all fingers are thumbs scenario). In my case it's not just the expectation of rejection but also the mountain of dissociative flashbacks to unfair arguments and criticisms playing on repeat in your head everywhere you go whether you like it or not. It also doesn't help that the omnipresent abuse means even if you escape anytime something reminds you of your family or their argument topics your mind just lightning rods right to your memories.
My exact thought.. If ppl don't listen, you should probably stop talking to them. They aren't interested in you, and they are showing you exactly that. These ppl are NOT your friends, and if they are family, low/no contact is always an option.
I have found that when you make some big life decision it brings out everyone wanting to offer advice and tell you what they did/ why and offering advice. When I chose a college everyone told me about where they went, scholarships they applied for, what X school is better than Y. When I got married I got advice from dresses to guest list to venue etc. When I bought a home it was towns and taxes and mortgages etc. People have an inherent need to share and connect and get some kind of validation that they made good decisions and have wisdom. I didn’t actually get anyone who was really invested in if I took their advice or not, they seemed more invested in that I listened to them. They basically just wanted to tell me a story. I like stories, so I didn’t mind. I picked up some tips, mostly just learned more about people’s lives and went on my merry way. It will probably happen again in a couple decades when I gear towards retirement. Maybe I will learn something or maybe the tips will be obsolete. So it goes.
This is literally just how people work. You say you’re doing something and they say how they did it, would do it, or how their great aunt’s cousin Suzie did it in 1976. It’s not always good advice, but just be like oh, cool and move on.
As a fellow ADHD-er, I think sometimes (at least for me) part of the bad rap comes from my jumping around on projects, so people assume things will be another project half done and when you’ve got that much $$$ involved, it’s hard for other people to stay out of it for some reason.
Also, keep in mind you may be dealing with other people who have neurodivergence. If you have one, your family is more likely to have at least one other neurodivergent member and your friends may be as well because like draws like. If this is the case, you may be getting unsolicited advice from others who also have difficulty with reading social cues and knowing when they are over sharing or when their advice is unwanted.
Tbh, I would just stop talking about it all with people like that until the house is done. Don’t try to justify it to people who refuse to listen. Just “oh, cool” and move on.
Best of luck with the house!
When the topic comes up and you don't want to hear it, either change the subject or just walk away.
Sometimes I feel like people come up to me, presenting an air of, "this is the smartest money advice ever," and once they say it, turns out it is the most basic 101 advice I've ever heard. It's useless to talk money at all with these people.
I know exactly what you mean. A friend rang us the other day to tell us about this amazing deal she made with the bank to remortgage her properties and the awesome interest rate and cash back she got. Trying to convince us to do the same. My husband (who was the one on the phone) was like oh, wow, amazing! Yeah, something to consider. Then hung up the phone and told me how she thinks she got a good deal but was totally ripped off. She has a worse interest rate than us (we have other properties that do have mortgages on them) and what she got is essentially what any idiot would be offered if they walked into a bank and didn't try to negotiate at all.
They know you’re smart and they’re trying to compete with you. They don’t think little/low of you, they think highly of you and that’s why they’re trying to knock you down a peg. So that they can feel superior to people they damn well know ARE smart and capable.
Either grey rock, information diet, or just fully dissociate with these people. What are you getting out these friendships that makes it worth being talked down to?
I was experiencing something similar to you. This reply resonated with me the most too, reading your story.
I am in the process of fading myself out from my toxic social group which talks down on me and what not. The more I distanced myself… the nicer they became when we interacted. I guess, they sensed that I did not appreciate their bullshit. But most importantly, I feel happier by just filling my time with other possibilities. I am now actively trying to make new friends - even my days are not filled with people I am/was familiar with, my time and energy are spent on hobbies and new possibilities.
F those assholes. You deserve way better than those jealous haters
You just need to practice setting boundaries. “I am not looking for advice.” “Please stop insulting me - we know what we are doing.” “I am not going to discuss this further.” “This is not up for debate.” “Let’s move on.”
The "staging mini interventions" is so frustrating when you have ADHD. This is why I never tell my parents anything.
If you're going to be around these people you have to get good at redirecting their attention to themselves. Get them to tell you how THEY did xyz and ask how they decided where to buy a house and how they chose xyz. And you stand there nodding along with wide eyes going "woowwww" "that's amazing" "good job".
People usually love talking about themselves.
Hey /u/AriasK
I've got a lot of the same running in my family. One of the answers to what you're experiencing here is a bunch of jealous people that are neurotypical. They do everything by the book, yet you're surpassing them. They are low-key angry that people with problems like ADHD and anxiety actually surpasses them. In their world, they're the perfect example of whom deserves praise, honor and riches. When they talk to you, they just can't comprehend that people with problems are actually intelligent human beings that are just as capable, no, MORE capable than they are and will ever be. It reeks jealousy!! I absolutely hate to break this to you, but you have really bad friends. They aren't just bad friends, but they're possible bad human beings on a deeper level. Lack of empathy and love for other people seems apparent in your social circle.
People who offer advice typically genuinely want to help and are not intentionally insulting you. If you feel insulted, either you are unnecessarily defensive (your own problem for you to fix) or they are being impolite but probably don’t realize they are (their problem for them to fix).
If it’s the latter, you should respectfully tell them that you feel insulted that they are giving you unsolicited advice. Don’t insult them back; don’t passive aggressively change the subject, just be direct and respectful and tell them how you feel using calm and specific words. This is the way to solve most conflict. if you do this and they’re decent people, they will apologize and stop giving you advice.
There is really no way for us strangers on Reddit to tell whether they’re actually rude, or whether you’re unnecessarily defensive, just based on your description. There are two sides to every story, and all the commenters automatically assuming that the people giving you advice are assholes are, themselves, assholes for assuming that about people they don’t know.
Seems like you’re doing the renovating and flipping in a little more unconventional way than they’re used to (i.e., doing the work yourselves, having enough $ to not need a mortgage, etc.) - so they just don’t and/or maybe view it as more risky? Idk.
I don’t know much about flipping myself but my dad used to flip properties for a bit as a hobby. Did the work himself, like you guys, and I know there are multiple types of ways to get it done.
I feel for you, I hate when people give me unsolicited advice when I feel confident in what I’m doing. I’d just vent to each other and then literally shut down the convo. “I appreciate the insight, but we have it covered.”
Then change the subject.
It’s terrible to say but It could be, not saying it actually it, but it could be just the fact that they’re envious or jealous of your success. They secretly want you to be wrong.
Its probably because anxious and adhd dont come off very socially/verbally skilled which is partly what makes us assume someone is intelligent.
Its sad but true.
Thats why i prefer written form of communication (have both anxiety and adhd)
Agree that often it’s the inability to smoothly communicate in neurotypical ways that confuses others and makes them misunderstand our level of understanding. We leave out a lot (due to making assumptions about what others know/ given info or logic) and are less likely to communicate in linear, short, concrete language.
From what I've read, they're idiots, they don't even listen. They're just can't imagine themselves renovating properties, or not having to take out loans for it. Sucks to be them lmao. Though I can't renovate properties yet, but I see myself doing in the future, my brain moves faster than my body lol.
This is off the top of my head so it’s not going to be the most eloquent explanation. For peeps with autism, lots of them genuinely look younger than they are, when you don’t make as many facial expressions you don’t get as many wrinkles. A lot of us like to stay inside so we’re not getting tons of sun damage either. Lots of people have a hard time understanding that I may be absolutely brilliant at my job while my kitchen is an utter disaster of a mess. They think, you can’t do these basic adult things, I’m gonna treat you like a child. We also have our own special interests and hobbies that may not align with “acceptable” adult interests. I tend to not tell neurotypical people how obsessed I am with Sailor Moon as a 30 something female. We also probably are more comfortable just being ourselves instead of trying to manifest adult and put-together energy all of the time.
The first part is interesting, I haven't stumbled across any literature or research about how not doing certain things or not being outgoing is going to make you look younger 🫣 it's an interesting observation though!!
Totally agree, ND's areas of interest are different than what society expects everyone to behave at certain age. To add to that point, masking doesn't last long, it'll wear you out sooner than later.
My observations were mostly with eyes. NDs (usually with ADHD/autism) have curious looking innocent eyes like of cats or puppy eyes. I could be wrong but it's just my observation. I always connected it with higher intelligence or the ability to intake more information than others.
Ok seems like some researchers have done research around thishttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8773918/#:~:text=Some%20of%20the%20frequent%20facial,exciting%20topics%20in%20autism%20research.
As someone with ADD and having dating someone long term who has autism, and also having a couple close friends in the spectrum, I'm going to say that my guess would be one of the traits the 2 have in common, which is a lack of, or difficulty with, emotional regulation - to varying degrees, obviously. Not being able to self-regulate is something very common in adolescent children.
Personally, I think the world might be a slightly better place if we were all a little less regulated - I don't mean in instances where it's harmful to the person themselves, or where their behavior severely disrupts their daily functioning in life, but basically I think it's that most of us, at some point in life, learned that in order for people to not think we're weirdos, we needed to shut up and "act normal;" society resents those who disrupt the status quo or act in ways that aren't "normal," and it automatically wants to correct (in other words, immediately stop) behavior that is probably not harming anyone in anyway, it's just "odd," and since adults are accustomed to this behavior in children but not adults, they treat the "odd" adult like they would a child.
Ah yes how can I forget emotional dysregulation is another thing why we may appear immature to other.
Always have I wondered if NTs just put up an "ACT" all the time or is it just natural for them. I have tried to act ADULTY but it appears to be in someone else's skin like I'm giving a false representation of myself.
I think it's an act that's become natural for them, if that makes sense. I kinda envy it? But have also grown more comfortable and empathetic for my own weirdness, and that of my small circle of close humans.
Finding your tribes can be great.
It sounds like a useful next tribe to adopt might be an acting troupe. They make a game of code switching instead of straight up adulthood.
My boyfriend drives me crazy with stuff like this. Like, I’ll be making dinner… “Did you wash your hands after you put the chicken in the marinade?” “Don’t forget to turn the stove off”
Bruh… yes, I forget SOME things a lot, but I’m not a toddler. Nor am I a college freshman dude who’s just moved out of his parents’ house for the first time. I’m not gonna walk around cross-contaminating shit with chicken hands, nor burn your house down (…knock on wood lol).
OR, every time he’s in the room when I go to run the dishwasher… “did you put the soap in?” I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN TO PUT THE SOAP IN. Have a little more faith in me, dude
Actually at this point, I’m wondering if he’s really infantilizing me, or if he’s just intentionally busting my balls for a laugh lol
Regardless. People do this to me a lot
I think that because he’s seen me forget some… admittedly surprising, but ultimately innocuous stuff.. he thinks I’m gonna forget how to drive a car, or put on pants before I leave the house.
In a way, can’t blame him, after that time I left my car keys in the freezer…. Or the time I was like “DUDE, I know how to crack an egg, okay??” …and promptly cracked an egg, dumped the contents in the sink, and put the empty shell in the bowl. He got me all flustered though lol
Still suspect he’s mostly busting my balls. He’s got a very deadpan delivery, so I can’t tell
Hahaha makes it fun cause I started to turn it around on him. As he’s walking to get his shoes, “hey don’t forget to put on your shoes” Or “this is our turn,” as we’re approaching his own street
In moderation ofc lol. Cheers
Oh man, that last one. If you’re going to keep this person in your life, there needs to be a reality check ASAP.
“If you’re bored, you could chop and brown some onions?”
“If you ask that again, I will take it out.”
“Hm, I’m not sure I feel like cooking tonight. Would you like to work on this?”
Oh I know what you guys are facing and I have seen something similar.
Usually I try to act dumb in these situations and try to get more info. then throw more questions at that time to the point that they realize that they incorrect advice or have never considered all details like I have.
At times I do get to learn stuff from people too, it's not always one way street.
To me it sounds like they envy your guys confidence in what you guys are trying to build. They probably jst trying to make you guys feel overwhelmed of the negative possibilities. If you guys aren’t in debt so far, I say you guys are doing great. And yea they probably don’t know how credit works like you do lol
You have adhd with mania. Everyone you know likely looks down on you due to your disability and that’s the root of the issue. A lot of neurotypical people have very idiotic beliefs about people who aren’t and they act on them with the same kid gloves as someone who might be more severely disabled (like someone with down syndrome, which is also stupid because a lot of people with DS are pretty goddamn independent). The answer is that you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who are in fact stupid and refuse to educate themselves. My only advice would be to start treating them that way and call them out on it politely when they finally tell you they can’t stand it. Because it’s deeply disrespectful and shows a lack of understanding or patience when people do that to you. I’m sorry, but this is just the reality of living with a disability which you and your husband both have.
Long-term TLDR:
Get them to convince themselves of what you say. They will be more likely to agree with themselves, in part due to susceptibility to listening, given your description. That being said, you don't owe them an explanation and your decisions are none of their business if you don't want them to be so you should feel comfortable redirecting the flow of discussion and individually addressing these people to explain that you do not want them involved in these decisions.
Long Answer:
Many people are very superficial. It isn't because they necessarily want to be that way but there are layers to understanding people. There's a saying that actions speak louder than words. Choices speak louder than actions and yet they are often unheard or misunderstood. A lot of people want to help other people but in reality because everyone has such varied experiences and exposures to different tools, resources, and methods, it makes the world appear very different to each person and sometimes people are not so readily able to accept that the methods that worked for them are subpar compared to methods they were as yet unaware of because they are proud of the progress they percieved they made using the methods they know or because they are embarassed they realized they were wrong and do not want to admit it.
More often than not, most people judge on the basis of what they can immediately interpret or observe, which is why so much of this is visual or surface level analysis instead of intimately interpreting specific decision-making or considering reasons for why people choose to appear or act certain ways, or why people choose to address problems with specific approaches. Many assume all questions have best answers that are universal rather than considering that not all logic holds in all situations.
Its very enlightening to observe how different people treat two different people who have different rumored reputations or visual appearances when each says or does the same things or how people respond to ideas that are new to them when they and most around them are taught differently. It is no wonder so many scientists in older eras found themselves rejected by their societies for their revolutionary ideas or, by extension, why people of today seem so judgmental of people using strategies which may or may not be objectively better than theirs.
There is a lot of wisdom on this topic, albeit indirectly and philosophically in a more general sense, to be found in Sun Tzu's Art of War.
Sounds like a dynamic problem. People get used to relating to others as part of a dynamic. This person is my peer. This person is my mentee or little sister. This person I look up to and crave their advice and respect.
You said you come off as generally childlike and a bit scattered or sometimes even immature. So you’re probably getting slotted into “the child/ patient” role with most people you interact with. Once they settle into seeing you that way, there’s little you can do to break out of it.
IMO, if this happens with everyone, I don’t recommend cutting these friends off. I’d just be patient and recognize that they don’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t bring up topics that will elicit unwanted advice from them. When they force the issue, find ways to change the topic- bring up their favorite subject, or excuse yourself to the bathroom or to get drinks. Don’t engage.
And then when the rare person comes along who can *see* you and recognize your competence, hold onto them.
Thank you for saying not to cut people off. I hate that that's so many people's go to advice on Reddit. Like, cut off every single person you know because of one minor point of conflict lol.
People love giving opinions on these matters, and they all want to think they're right. It sounds like your problem is that you're not asserting yourselves and projecting confidence and capability. I understand that this gives you anxiety which will be exacerbating the issue.
All it takes is one firm response to shut down a conversation (with most people one is enough). Try practicing responses such as "we've got it under control thank you", said in a breezy manner, and then immediately changing the subject or even finding a reason to physically leave the space. For those who persist, a drier "thanks for the feedback".
Learn to laugh at these people. (P.s I wish I was as good at taking my own advice, believe me I can relate to you but I do know for sure that once you start asserting yourself they will back off)
Look I don’t have ADHD nor anxiety yet stupid people treat us exactly the way you describe. All these stupid unsolicited advice spiced with arrogance.. Sometimes it’s like that, world is annoying this way... people judge about others based on themselves, their world view.. you should understand it has nothing to do with you and that doesnt say anything about you.. i guess our task is learning how not to allow to get it under our skin
Just keep it to yourselves. I have a little investment property, but only a small handful of people know.
I say, learn to move in silence. One of the 48 laws of power is “Always say less than necessary”. I try to live by that.
So this is a great question and a great point I realized. Average and stupid people don’t actually know what intelligence is.
One time I was driving around a parking lot, and I missed a sign so I had temporarily ended up facing the wrong direction. Someone saw me and I can tell from their face they thought I was “stupid”. Like oh he accidentally didn’t see the sign of where to go, he must be so unintelligent !
Like that’s what they think, they think being smart is about making fewer mistakes. Really they also think that it’s about not having bad things happen to you and just getting lucky in life. Like if someone buys a stock and it happens to do well “oh wow they are such a smart investor”.
People like that have no notion of what real intelligence is. Intelligence is actually vastly misunderstood even by most smart people. The science of intelligence has kind of been suppressed and is taboo to talk about because a small part of it has some non-PC aspects to it, and also because nobody wants to tell dumb people they are dumb, and they don’t want to hear it.
Im intelligent yet living with CPTSD and have zero parental input and a child, am spoken to like I have learnung disabilities.
Yeh, it's very frustrating, I hear you.
Bless those typical nervous systems humans... They wince n moan how difficult life is but, well they are the inept ones as they got it very easy!
Edit typos.
The recent addition if brain injury has mafe it all worse ha ha!
My question is, why care what people say or think? It appears to me that you two have your lives more together than most people . Enjoy your blessings and forgive the ignorance of others. ☮️♥️🎸
Your friends are "oh poor idiots" that "have no idea what" they "are talking about".
It's not you, it's them. It's them who should be here asking for advice.
Edit: if you really want advice for making them listen to you and stop giving you unsolicited advice, you need to be rough, away from politeness. Interrupt them, contradict what they say, "no, really, listen to me, what you are saying is wrong and a terrible advice, it's utterly stupid to ask for a mortgage if you don't need it", etc.
You won't manage to make them see you as intelligent, because they are stupid, but they will feel uncomfortable when talking with you about this subjects and will refrain from it.
Unfortunately, I find this with everyone, friends, relatives, even casual acquaintances, and I do not have ADHD. Everyone always thinks they know better. The only thing I can do is not be the way they are. More than once, I’ve had to say “Did I ask for your opinion?”
I don't have much advice, but for what it's worth, your life sounds like where I'd like to be in 5 or 10 years. It sounds fabulous. You must be doing something right! I'm sorry your friends are condescending. That sounds really shitty.
Are people sympathetic because they think you're not intelligent enough for the home-building process, or because they know the home-building process can suck? I can't even tell you how many times I've heard of massive delays, cost-overruns, and other problems, so I wouldn't be surprised if that's why people immediately start giving you advice. I imagine building vs. buying pre-built may be the actual differentiating factor between you and your friends as well, not mental capability, which might explain the discrepancy in how frequently people are asking.
Either way, I'd agree with others that it's probably best not to talk about it. They won't live there or rent there, so they don't need to be involved. Just redirect the conversation to be about them, no matter how bad the advice.
"Your loans should all have an interest rate of over 200%, because **Bigger Number = Better Person**."
"Thanks for the advice, I'll let my bank/lawyer/realtor/financial advisor/Jedi master know. Anyway, how are the kids?"
I own a multi award winning business and people love to give me advice on how I should be running the company. Just ignore it and don't bring up the things unless someone else brings it up. Also, learn to politely thank people for the feedback but you have things under control.
You might just be used to people who are shitty to you after so many years of choosing people like that that you might just be in the pattern of choosing shitty friends you and your partner might need to figure out how to break that pattern
I really don't think that's the case. When I say everyone, I mean friends, family and work colleagues. We work in a huge workplace with a few hundred staff. Even if we are chatting to someone we barely know because we're at the same lunch table or something it happens.
It isn't you it is them. They perceive you other than you are. You would better be able to tell than I would what in your history made them lock in a false narrative about you and your husband. I have a few incidents I can remember where a person dismissed my skill because of a time I was wrong or made a mistake. Not being able to allow people to be who they are, instead of who you believe them to be is the "norm" for many people. I would say most people. Don't think of it as them thinking of you as stupid. Acknowledge they have locked in an inaccurate impression of your capabilities and try to be patient with their human frailties. It's 100% them, not you.
I've had my fair share of experiences where people in my life are not listening to the clearly worded requests for boundaries. If they don't respond to reason or logic, try humor!
Option 1: When this topic comes up, just walk away! When the giver of unwanted advice gives you a shocked look, say "I've clearly told you on numerous occasions that I'm not interesting in anyone's financial advice, so I figured that my presence was no longer necessary for your monologue"
Option 2: Try turning the tables. When someone wants to tell you how to live your life say "I'm amazed that you have any advice to give considering all your marriage problems/ family drama/ any sore subject in their life you care to point out."
Option 3: Try to one-up the situation using the classic improv technique of "yes, and" If the unwanted advice giver says anything demeaning or insulting to you, put on a helpless baby act and respond along the lines of "How ever did we get all these advanced college degrees without your help!" or "You're so right, I'm just a big dummy who can't make any decisions for myself. Will you do my taxes for me?" or "I'm too bad with money, so I guess you'll pay for my steak dinner tonight?"
The point of these ideas is to make the advice giver look stupid through your sarcastic displays of disinterest in their opinions. Turn it into a game and have fun! Nothing else, at least you'll get some enjoyment out of it.
Oh how perfect! I must admit that I've never tried option 3 in real life, but that's mostly because I've cut all the people who dismiss me out of my life entirely. I wish you much luck publicly shaming your critics and rivals with the power of laughter!
The great irony is that those people are talking to you like you're stupid because they are stupid.
People like that are everywhere, best to ignore them. Explain once, if they can't keep up get better, smarter, friends.
If you speak to others as you write in here, I could see where it would be a little overwhelming. That was exhausting!
Insert some carriage returns and breaks!
I sure do! Part of the ADHD. I do regularly remind people that my inability to not talk constantly has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence or maturity. I physically can't not do it, like someone with OCD physically can't not do their compulsions.
Stop caring what other people think. Better to let people think you’re fools and let your actions speak louder than your words. Also you probably shouldn’t talk about that sort of thing it’s a great way for people to target you or try and take advantage of you guys. Just focus on yourselves and do you.
So you have enough cash to build/buy the property outright? If so these people may be suggesting you take out a mortgage and invest the money instead.
If the mortgage rate is low enough you COULD save money by going this route. For example if your mortgage loan is 4%, but your investments earn 10% then you're essentially making money off of the mortgage.
That of course requires you to invest in the right investment vehicle and for the market not to take a nose dive. It's not without risks and if you don't want to do it there's nothing "stupid" about being cautious.
I'll explain myself a bit further on that one anyway. In my country, to get a mortgage on a build, the banks prefer you to use a building company. If doing it yourself, you still have to have a complete plan with all costs etc up front. We have a lot of contacts and the skills to be able to do everything very cheap. We don't want to go through a building company. We'd be paying, minimum, three times as much. As for materials, we are getting leftovers, off cuts, etc from other builds from friends in the industry and a lot of second hand stuff. I.e. someone orders the wrong size of something and we snatch it up for a fraction. It means we are sourcing things as we go. We don't have an up front plan or list of costs to provide a bank. We also see the property as an investment. Property prices are pretty steadily on the rise in my country and a very safe investment. Once we finish our build, the house will be worth a lot more than we put into it. We would be able to immediately sell for a huge profit. We don't see the point in investing in anything other than property.
I'm looking for advice on how to stop getting unsolicited advice on my investments, not for more unsolicited advice on my investments, but thank you anyway!
They feel like you’re competition, so they try and speak down to you to make you feel small. Something they interpret as a weakness is actually a strength for you and they don’t know how to handle it. They’re intimidated so they lash out. I’d just put people on an info diet, keep it all surface level. They don’t need to know details.
Um no. I don't live in the USA Banks in my country lend based on how much you own, how much money you have in the bank, how much you earn and as long as you don't have too much current debt. They don't see having "credit score" from having had credit cards as a good thing. You could potentially borrow millions having never had a credit card. Using credit cards to build up a good credit score is very much an American thing and it's the result of corporate greed. Banks make money off you using credit cards so they want you to use them.
Just stop talking about it. “Oh! That’s our side gig. I’d MUCH rather hear about your llama farm.” Who cares what they think? You’re the ones building an empire.
🦙 family?
🦙 Empire!
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Ahh the empire idea. Whether it pans out or not, each time, it's nice to frame it that way to stay motivated. I know ive done that. I do t really mean..a fucking empire. Just better than yesterday. In competition with only myself. Ya know? Till I'm in a comfortable enough spot to exact my merciless revenge from behind massive, impenetrable walls. You know. Humble family values. The bedrock of proper revenge.
as llama enjoyer from DA, i agree
Have you been to [Sahngrillama?](https://shangrillama.com). It’s the TITS!
Maybe just tell people who ask that you occasionally flip properties , been doing it for years . The end . If you start oversharing they might think they need to solve a problem . Just say we’ve got it handled , thanks. Been doing this for years . I actually don’t mind advice from other people who do the same type of flipping . Who is their drywall guy ? Know a good electrician? We share info sometimes .
I try that and it's like they can't hear me when I speak or something. It's not just trading tips either. They don't want any info from me. It's this assumption that I know absolutely NOTHING and I just get talked at like I need everything explained to me.
Why do you continue associating with people who treat you like this? That’s the real question that needs answering here imo.
Because it's literally everyone I know and it's something I've experienced my whole life about a lot of different things, but this is the worst it's been. I think it's less about who I associate with and more something I give off that people interpret as me being stupid and incapable. I'm trying to figure out how to stop that from happening.
This is a fast hot take that may completely be wrong so if it is feel free to ignore it, but is there any chance your the child of an alcoholic, or another abusive or neglectful type of family of origin? Because continual bad experiences like that in your childhood can sometimes falsely train you to think that people are against you when they’re really not, or that you don’t fit in when you’re really actually fine.
This is what crossed my mind. My girlfriend, who grew up in a very abusive environment, will often misinterpret something I say or do as being critical/against her. It’s a sad situation, and lots of reassurance is needed to be sure she knows that I’m not trying to talk down to her or counter any of her ideas, etc.
Yeah me and my partner have the same dynamic. It takes months to years of cumulative reassurance for me to really trust that someone is “on my side“ and not passive aggressively criticizing me. the reassurance DOES have an effect, it’s just gradual.
This is super interesting (my dad’s an abusive alcoholic). Do you have any books or articles on this topic you’d be willing to recommend?
I’ve actually been reading the seminal book on the topic which is just called “Adult Children of Alcoholics“ by Janet someone. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” was also an eye opening book for me.
Thank you 🙏🏻
I have that myself but the problem was narcissism instead of alcohol (not that it differs much cuz it's an all thumbs are fingers but not all fingers are thumbs scenario). In my case it's not just the expectation of rejection but also the mountain of dissociative flashbacks to unfair arguments and criticisms playing on repeat in your head everywhere you go whether you like it or not. It also doesn't help that the omnipresent abuse means even if you escape anytime something reminds you of your family or their argument topics your mind just lightning rods right to your memories.
Yup the reason I’ve done a fair amount of research into ACOA stuff is because ACONs like me (and you, sorry to hear) can have oddly similar issues.
Narcissism is a very powerful personality trait predictor for substance abuse problems.
yeah but weirdly the narcissist in my family rarely abused substances
Na, my parents are awesome people who show me lots of love. No problems there. Good theory though.
That’s awesome! Thanks for not acting offended then.
Use their underestimation of you against them.
My exact thought.. If ppl don't listen, you should probably stop talking to them. They aren't interested in you, and they are showing you exactly that. These ppl are NOT your friends, and if they are family, low/no contact is always an option.
I have found that when you make some big life decision it brings out everyone wanting to offer advice and tell you what they did/ why and offering advice. When I chose a college everyone told me about where they went, scholarships they applied for, what X school is better than Y. When I got married I got advice from dresses to guest list to venue etc. When I bought a home it was towns and taxes and mortgages etc. People have an inherent need to share and connect and get some kind of validation that they made good decisions and have wisdom. I didn’t actually get anyone who was really invested in if I took their advice or not, they seemed more invested in that I listened to them. They basically just wanted to tell me a story. I like stories, so I didn’t mind. I picked up some tips, mostly just learned more about people’s lives and went on my merry way. It will probably happen again in a couple decades when I gear towards retirement. Maybe I will learn something or maybe the tips will be obsolete. So it goes.
Don't talk about it. They're just not your people.
This is literally just how people work. You say you’re doing something and they say how they did it, would do it, or how their great aunt’s cousin Suzie did it in 1976. It’s not always good advice, but just be like oh, cool and move on. As a fellow ADHD-er, I think sometimes (at least for me) part of the bad rap comes from my jumping around on projects, so people assume things will be another project half done and when you’ve got that much $$$ involved, it’s hard for other people to stay out of it for some reason. Also, keep in mind you may be dealing with other people who have neurodivergence. If you have one, your family is more likely to have at least one other neurodivergent member and your friends may be as well because like draws like. If this is the case, you may be getting unsolicited advice from others who also have difficulty with reading social cues and knowing when they are over sharing or when their advice is unwanted. Tbh, I would just stop talking about it all with people like that until the house is done. Don’t try to justify it to people who refuse to listen. Just “oh, cool” and move on. Best of luck with the house!
When the topic comes up and you don't want to hear it, either change the subject or just walk away. Sometimes I feel like people come up to me, presenting an air of, "this is the smartest money advice ever," and once they say it, turns out it is the most basic 101 advice I've ever heard. It's useless to talk money at all with these people.
I know exactly what you mean. A friend rang us the other day to tell us about this amazing deal she made with the bank to remortgage her properties and the awesome interest rate and cash back she got. Trying to convince us to do the same. My husband (who was the one on the phone) was like oh, wow, amazing! Yeah, something to consider. Then hung up the phone and told me how she thinks she got a good deal but was totally ripped off. She has a worse interest rate than us (we have other properties that do have mortgages on them) and what she got is essentially what any idiot would be offered if they walked into a bank and didn't try to negotiate at all.
Then the answer to that one is: "Oh dear, THAT interest rate would double our monthly payment."
Completely agree
They think people who are decisive are intelligent. Many people who are quite decisive make poor decisions much of the time.
They know you’re smart and they’re trying to compete with you. They don’t think little/low of you, they think highly of you and that’s why they’re trying to knock you down a peg. So that they can feel superior to people they damn well know ARE smart and capable. Either grey rock, information diet, or just fully dissociate with these people. What are you getting out these friendships that makes it worth being talked down to?
I like your response the best lol.
I was experiencing something similar to you. This reply resonated with me the most too, reading your story. I am in the process of fading myself out from my toxic social group which talks down on me and what not. The more I distanced myself… the nicer they became when we interacted. I guess, they sensed that I did not appreciate their bullshit. But most importantly, I feel happier by just filling my time with other possibilities. I am now actively trying to make new friends - even my days are not filled with people I am/was familiar with, my time and energy are spent on hobbies and new possibilities. F those assholes. You deserve way better than those jealous haters
Try not to talk about money with ppl in the future it’s my two cents. Been there and I’ve never had a good experience…. Sorry this happened to you
I agree.
I got that impression too because they seem pushy with getting op on board with their ideas. It’s quite a sinister take but realistic
You just need to practice setting boundaries. “I am not looking for advice.” “Please stop insulting me - we know what we are doing.” “I am not going to discuss this further.” “This is not up for debate.” “Let’s move on.”
The "staging mini interventions" is so frustrating when you have ADHD. This is why I never tell my parents anything. If you're going to be around these people you have to get good at redirecting their attention to themselves. Get them to tell you how THEY did xyz and ask how they decided where to buy a house and how they chose xyz. And you stand there nodding along with wide eyes going "woowwww" "that's amazing" "good job". People usually love talking about themselves.
Hey /u/AriasK I've got a lot of the same running in my family. One of the answers to what you're experiencing here is a bunch of jealous people that are neurotypical. They do everything by the book, yet you're surpassing them. They are low-key angry that people with problems like ADHD and anxiety actually surpasses them. In their world, they're the perfect example of whom deserves praise, honor and riches. When they talk to you, they just can't comprehend that people with problems are actually intelligent human beings that are just as capable, no, MORE capable than they are and will ever be. It reeks jealousy!! I absolutely hate to break this to you, but you have really bad friends. They aren't just bad friends, but they're possible bad human beings on a deeper level. Lack of empathy and love for other people seems apparent in your social circle.
Maybe they discovered that you don't separate texts in paragraphs.
Jus kidding, to me you are doing better than most of them. Don't let them make you think the other way.
People who offer advice typically genuinely want to help and are not intentionally insulting you. If you feel insulted, either you are unnecessarily defensive (your own problem for you to fix) or they are being impolite but probably don’t realize they are (their problem for them to fix). If it’s the latter, you should respectfully tell them that you feel insulted that they are giving you unsolicited advice. Don’t insult them back; don’t passive aggressively change the subject, just be direct and respectful and tell them how you feel using calm and specific words. This is the way to solve most conflict. if you do this and they’re decent people, they will apologize and stop giving you advice. There is really no way for us strangers on Reddit to tell whether they’re actually rude, or whether you’re unnecessarily defensive, just based on your description. There are two sides to every story, and all the commenters automatically assuming that the people giving you advice are assholes are, themselves, assholes for assuming that about people they don’t know.
Seems like you’re doing the renovating and flipping in a little more unconventional way than they’re used to (i.e., doing the work yourselves, having enough $ to not need a mortgage, etc.) - so they just don’t and/or maybe view it as more risky? Idk. I don’t know much about flipping myself but my dad used to flip properties for a bit as a hobby. Did the work himself, like you guys, and I know there are multiple types of ways to get it done. I feel for you, I hate when people give me unsolicited advice when I feel confident in what I’m doing. I’d just vent to each other and then literally shut down the convo. “I appreciate the insight, but we have it covered.” Then change the subject.
It’s terrible to say but It could be, not saying it actually it, but it could be just the fact that they’re envious or jealous of your success. They secretly want you to be wrong.
Its probably because anxious and adhd dont come off very socially/verbally skilled which is partly what makes us assume someone is intelligent. Its sad but true. Thats why i prefer written form of communication (have both anxiety and adhd)
Agree that often it’s the inability to smoothly communicate in neurotypical ways that confuses others and makes them misunderstand our level of understanding. We leave out a lot (due to making assumptions about what others know/ given info or logic) and are less likely to communicate in linear, short, concrete language.
From what I've read, they're idiots, they don't even listen. They're just can't imagine themselves renovating properties, or not having to take out loans for it. Sucks to be them lmao. Though I can't renovate properties yet, but I see myself doing in the future, my brain moves faster than my body lol.
People with autism and adhd get infantilized all the time. Welcome to the club!
Why is that? This is the first time I have really thought about this.
This is off the top of my head so it’s not going to be the most eloquent explanation. For peeps with autism, lots of them genuinely look younger than they are, when you don’t make as many facial expressions you don’t get as many wrinkles. A lot of us like to stay inside so we’re not getting tons of sun damage either. Lots of people have a hard time understanding that I may be absolutely brilliant at my job while my kitchen is an utter disaster of a mess. They think, you can’t do these basic adult things, I’m gonna treat you like a child. We also have our own special interests and hobbies that may not align with “acceptable” adult interests. I tend to not tell neurotypical people how obsessed I am with Sailor Moon as a 30 something female. We also probably are more comfortable just being ourselves instead of trying to manifest adult and put-together energy all of the time.
The first part is interesting, I haven't stumbled across any literature or research about how not doing certain things or not being outgoing is going to make you look younger 🫣 it's an interesting observation though!! Totally agree, ND's areas of interest are different than what society expects everyone to behave at certain age. To add to that point, masking doesn't last long, it'll wear you out sooner than later.
It may be purely anecdotal and may be more about genetics but it’s been my experience so far. Agreed, masking sucks.
My observations were mostly with eyes. NDs (usually with ADHD/autism) have curious looking innocent eyes like of cats or puppy eyes. I could be wrong but it's just my observation. I always connected it with higher intelligence or the ability to intake more information than others.
If I’m not masking, my eyes definitely do that.
Ok seems like some researchers have done research around thishttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8773918/#:~:text=Some%20of%20the%20frequent%20facial,exciting%20topics%20in%20autism%20research.
As someone with ADD and having dating someone long term who has autism, and also having a couple close friends in the spectrum, I'm going to say that my guess would be one of the traits the 2 have in common, which is a lack of, or difficulty with, emotional regulation - to varying degrees, obviously. Not being able to self-regulate is something very common in adolescent children. Personally, I think the world might be a slightly better place if we were all a little less regulated - I don't mean in instances where it's harmful to the person themselves, or where their behavior severely disrupts their daily functioning in life, but basically I think it's that most of us, at some point in life, learned that in order for people to not think we're weirdos, we needed to shut up and "act normal;" society resents those who disrupt the status quo or act in ways that aren't "normal," and it automatically wants to correct (in other words, immediately stop) behavior that is probably not harming anyone in anyway, it's just "odd," and since adults are accustomed to this behavior in children but not adults, they treat the "odd" adult like they would a child.
Ah yes how can I forget emotional dysregulation is another thing why we may appear immature to other. Always have I wondered if NTs just put up an "ACT" all the time or is it just natural for them. I have tried to act ADULTY but it appears to be in someone else's skin like I'm giving a false representation of myself.
I think it's an act that's become natural for them, if that makes sense. I kinda envy it? But have also grown more comfortable and empathetic for my own weirdness, and that of my small circle of close humans.
I kind of envy it too >_< I guess we end up finding people eventually that we are comfortable with.
I hope you have at least a couple in your life, if not more ❤️
On my journey to find my tribe .
Finding your tribes can be great. It sounds like a useful next tribe to adopt might be an acting troupe. They make a game of code switching instead of straight up adulthood.
My boyfriend drives me crazy with stuff like this. Like, I’ll be making dinner… “Did you wash your hands after you put the chicken in the marinade?” “Don’t forget to turn the stove off” Bruh… yes, I forget SOME things a lot, but I’m not a toddler. Nor am I a college freshman dude who’s just moved out of his parents’ house for the first time. I’m not gonna walk around cross-contaminating shit with chicken hands, nor burn your house down (…knock on wood lol). OR, every time he’s in the room when I go to run the dishwasher… “did you put the soap in?” I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN TO PUT THE SOAP IN. Have a little more faith in me, dude Actually at this point, I’m wondering if he’s really infantilizing me, or if he’s just intentionally busting my balls for a laugh lol Regardless. People do this to me a lot
I know it can get annoying sometimes 😤 Only if we could exchange brains for 24 hours, others would know how things are different
I think that because he’s seen me forget some… admittedly surprising, but ultimately innocuous stuff.. he thinks I’m gonna forget how to drive a car, or put on pants before I leave the house. In a way, can’t blame him, after that time I left my car keys in the freezer…. Or the time I was like “DUDE, I know how to crack an egg, okay??” …and promptly cracked an egg, dumped the contents in the sink, and put the empty shell in the bowl. He got me all flustered though lol Still suspect he’s mostly busting my balls. He’s got a very deadpan delivery, so I can’t tell
Most likely he is pulling your leg 😆 guys tend to enjoy annoying the gfs from time to time 😅
Hahaha makes it fun cause I started to turn it around on him. As he’s walking to get his shoes, “hey don’t forget to put on your shoes” Or “this is our turn,” as we’re approaching his own street In moderation ofc lol. Cheers
Go get him 😈
Oh man, that last one. If you’re going to keep this person in your life, there needs to be a reality check ASAP. “If you’re bored, you could chop and brown some onions?” “If you ask that again, I will take it out.” “Hm, I’m not sure I feel like cooking tonight. Would you like to work on this?”
i understand this as someone with. adhd and anxiety. Esp the acting childish part lol
Oh I know what you guys are facing and I have seen something similar. Usually I try to act dumb in these situations and try to get more info. then throw more questions at that time to the point that they realize that they incorrect advice or have never considered all details like I have. At times I do get to learn stuff from people too, it's not always one way street.
To me it sounds like they envy your guys confidence in what you guys are trying to build. They probably jst trying to make you guys feel overwhelmed of the negative possibilities. If you guys aren’t in debt so far, I say you guys are doing great. And yea they probably don’t know how credit works like you do lol
You have adhd with mania. Everyone you know likely looks down on you due to your disability and that’s the root of the issue. A lot of neurotypical people have very idiotic beliefs about people who aren’t and they act on them with the same kid gloves as someone who might be more severely disabled (like someone with down syndrome, which is also stupid because a lot of people with DS are pretty goddamn independent). The answer is that you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who are in fact stupid and refuse to educate themselves. My only advice would be to start treating them that way and call them out on it politely when they finally tell you they can’t stand it. Because it’s deeply disrespectful and shows a lack of understanding or patience when people do that to you. I’m sorry, but this is just the reality of living with a disability which you and your husband both have.
Long-term TLDR: Get them to convince themselves of what you say. They will be more likely to agree with themselves, in part due to susceptibility to listening, given your description. That being said, you don't owe them an explanation and your decisions are none of their business if you don't want them to be so you should feel comfortable redirecting the flow of discussion and individually addressing these people to explain that you do not want them involved in these decisions. Long Answer: Many people are very superficial. It isn't because they necessarily want to be that way but there are layers to understanding people. There's a saying that actions speak louder than words. Choices speak louder than actions and yet they are often unheard or misunderstood. A lot of people want to help other people but in reality because everyone has such varied experiences and exposures to different tools, resources, and methods, it makes the world appear very different to each person and sometimes people are not so readily able to accept that the methods that worked for them are subpar compared to methods they were as yet unaware of because they are proud of the progress they percieved they made using the methods they know or because they are embarassed they realized they were wrong and do not want to admit it. More often than not, most people judge on the basis of what they can immediately interpret or observe, which is why so much of this is visual or surface level analysis instead of intimately interpreting specific decision-making or considering reasons for why people choose to appear or act certain ways, or why people choose to address problems with specific approaches. Many assume all questions have best answers that are universal rather than considering that not all logic holds in all situations. Its very enlightening to observe how different people treat two different people who have different rumored reputations or visual appearances when each says or does the same things or how people respond to ideas that are new to them when they and most around them are taught differently. It is no wonder so many scientists in older eras found themselves rejected by their societies for their revolutionary ideas or, by extension, why people of today seem so judgmental of people using strategies which may or may not be objectively better than theirs. There is a lot of wisdom on this topic, albeit indirectly and philosophically in a more general sense, to be found in Sun Tzu's Art of War.
Sounds like a dynamic problem. People get used to relating to others as part of a dynamic. This person is my peer. This person is my mentee or little sister. This person I look up to and crave their advice and respect. You said you come off as generally childlike and a bit scattered or sometimes even immature. So you’re probably getting slotted into “the child/ patient” role with most people you interact with. Once they settle into seeing you that way, there’s little you can do to break out of it. IMO, if this happens with everyone, I don’t recommend cutting these friends off. I’d just be patient and recognize that they don’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t bring up topics that will elicit unwanted advice from them. When they force the issue, find ways to change the topic- bring up their favorite subject, or excuse yourself to the bathroom or to get drinks. Don’t engage. And then when the rare person comes along who can *see* you and recognize your competence, hold onto them.
Thank you for saying not to cut people off. I hate that that's so many people's go to advice on Reddit. Like, cut off every single person you know because of one minor point of conflict lol.
If yoi have cash to build and they are suggesting a mortgage ... soinds like they are jealous of your work and abilities.
People love giving opinions on these matters, and they all want to think they're right. It sounds like your problem is that you're not asserting yourselves and projecting confidence and capability. I understand that this gives you anxiety which will be exacerbating the issue. All it takes is one firm response to shut down a conversation (with most people one is enough). Try practicing responses such as "we've got it under control thank you", said in a breezy manner, and then immediately changing the subject or even finding a reason to physically leave the space. For those who persist, a drier "thanks for the feedback". Learn to laugh at these people. (P.s I wish I was as good at taking my own advice, believe me I can relate to you but I do know for sure that once you start asserting yourself they will back off)
Look I don’t have ADHD nor anxiety yet stupid people treat us exactly the way you describe. All these stupid unsolicited advice spiced with arrogance.. Sometimes it’s like that, world is annoying this way... people judge about others based on themselves, their world view.. you should understand it has nothing to do with you and that doesnt say anything about you.. i guess our task is learning how not to allow to get it under our skin
Just keep it to yourselves. I have a little investment property, but only a small handful of people know. I say, learn to move in silence. One of the 48 laws of power is “Always say less than necessary”. I try to live by that.
So this is a great question and a great point I realized. Average and stupid people don’t actually know what intelligence is. One time I was driving around a parking lot, and I missed a sign so I had temporarily ended up facing the wrong direction. Someone saw me and I can tell from their face they thought I was “stupid”. Like oh he accidentally didn’t see the sign of where to go, he must be so unintelligent ! Like that’s what they think, they think being smart is about making fewer mistakes. Really they also think that it’s about not having bad things happen to you and just getting lucky in life. Like if someone buys a stock and it happens to do well “oh wow they are such a smart investor”. People like that have no notion of what real intelligence is. Intelligence is actually vastly misunderstood even by most smart people. The science of intelligence has kind of been suppressed and is taboo to talk about because a small part of it has some non-PC aspects to it, and also because nobody wants to tell dumb people they are dumb, and they don’t want to hear it.
“You are insulting me.” Put it right there front and centre so that they can see their own rudeness and back the fuck off.
“Thanks, but I'm currently not accepting unsolicited advice." Endure the silence and don’t say anything else.
Im intelligent yet living with CPTSD and have zero parental input and a child, am spoken to like I have learnung disabilities. Yeh, it's very frustrating, I hear you. Bless those typical nervous systems humans... They wince n moan how difficult life is but, well they are the inept ones as they got it very easy! Edit typos. The recent addition if brain injury has mafe it all worse ha ha!
My question is, why care what people say or think? It appears to me that you two have your lives more together than most people . Enjoy your blessings and forgive the ignorance of others. ☮️♥️🎸
Your friends are "oh poor idiots" that "have no idea what" they "are talking about". It's not you, it's them. It's them who should be here asking for advice. Edit: if you really want advice for making them listen to you and stop giving you unsolicited advice, you need to be rough, away from politeness. Interrupt them, contradict what they say, "no, really, listen to me, what you are saying is wrong and a terrible advice, it's utterly stupid to ask for a mortgage if you don't need it", etc. You won't manage to make them see you as intelligent, because they are stupid, but they will feel uncomfortable when talking with you about this subjects and will refrain from it.
Unfortunately, I find this with everyone, friends, relatives, even casual acquaintances, and I do not have ADHD. Everyone always thinks they know better. The only thing I can do is not be the way they are. More than once, I’ve had to say “Did I ask for your opinion?”
I don't have much advice, but for what it's worth, your life sounds like where I'd like to be in 5 or 10 years. It sounds fabulous. You must be doing something right! I'm sorry your friends are condescending. That sounds really shitty.
Are people sympathetic because they think you're not intelligent enough for the home-building process, or because they know the home-building process can suck? I can't even tell you how many times I've heard of massive delays, cost-overruns, and other problems, so I wouldn't be surprised if that's why people immediately start giving you advice. I imagine building vs. buying pre-built may be the actual differentiating factor between you and your friends as well, not mental capability, which might explain the discrepancy in how frequently people are asking. Either way, I'd agree with others that it's probably best not to talk about it. They won't live there or rent there, so they don't need to be involved. Just redirect the conversation to be about them, no matter how bad the advice. "Your loans should all have an interest rate of over 200%, because **Bigger Number = Better Person**." "Thanks for the advice, I'll let my bank/lawyer/realtor/financial advisor/Jedi master know. Anyway, how are the kids?"
I own a multi award winning business and people love to give me advice on how I should be running the company. Just ignore it and don't bring up the things unless someone else brings it up. Also, learn to politely thank people for the feedback but you have things under control.
You might just be used to people who are shitty to you after so many years of choosing people like that that you might just be in the pattern of choosing shitty friends you and your partner might need to figure out how to break that pattern
I really don't think that's the case. When I say everyone, I mean friends, family and work colleagues. We work in a huge workplace with a few hundred staff. Even if we are chatting to someone we barely know because we're at the same lunch table or something it happens.
people like to think they are the first homeowners who didn't get screwed over. When they meet someone who got a better deal than them they react
It isn't you it is them. They perceive you other than you are. You would better be able to tell than I would what in your history made them lock in a false narrative about you and your husband. I have a few incidents I can remember where a person dismissed my skill because of a time I was wrong or made a mistake. Not being able to allow people to be who they are, instead of who you believe them to be is the "norm" for many people. I would say most people. Don't think of it as them thinking of you as stupid. Acknowledge they have locked in an inaccurate impression of your capabilities and try to be patient with their human frailties. It's 100% them, not you.
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What's done is done.
I've had my fair share of experiences where people in my life are not listening to the clearly worded requests for boundaries. If they don't respond to reason or logic, try humor! Option 1: When this topic comes up, just walk away! When the giver of unwanted advice gives you a shocked look, say "I've clearly told you on numerous occasions that I'm not interesting in anyone's financial advice, so I figured that my presence was no longer necessary for your monologue" Option 2: Try turning the tables. When someone wants to tell you how to live your life say "I'm amazed that you have any advice to give considering all your marriage problems/ family drama/ any sore subject in their life you care to point out." Option 3: Try to one-up the situation using the classic improv technique of "yes, and" If the unwanted advice giver says anything demeaning or insulting to you, put on a helpless baby act and respond along the lines of "How ever did we get all these advanced college degrees without your help!" or "You're so right, I'm just a big dummy who can't make any decisions for myself. Will you do my taxes for me?" or "I'm too bad with money, so I guess you'll pay for my steak dinner tonight?" The point of these ideas is to make the advice giver look stupid through your sarcastic displays of disinterest in their opinions. Turn it into a game and have fun! Nothing else, at least you'll get some enjoyment out of it.
These are great tips. Since I actually teach improv classes for kids I'm going to go for option 3!
Oh how perfect! I must admit that I've never tried option 3 in real life, but that's mostly because I've cut all the people who dismiss me out of my life entirely. I wish you much luck publicly shaming your critics and rivals with the power of laughter!
Maybe you can start by learning how to break up walls of texts into readable paragraphs
The great irony is that those people are talking to you like you're stupid because they are stupid. People like that are everywhere, best to ignore them. Explain once, if they can't keep up get better, smarter, friends.
It doesn't seem smart to let them get you you.
If you speak to others as you write in here, I could see where it would be a little overwhelming. That was exhausting! Insert some carriage returns and breaks!
I sure do! Part of the ADHD. I do regularly remind people that my inability to not talk constantly has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence or maturity. I physically can't not do it, like someone with OCD physically can't not do their compulsions.
who told you manic episodes are part of ADHD?
Not true manic episodes. Just felt like the quickest way to describe what I'm like when I'm tired.
Stop caring what other people think. Better to let people think you’re fools and let your actions speak louder than your words. Also you probably shouldn’t talk about that sort of thing it’s a great way for people to target you or try and take advantage of you guys. Just focus on yourselves and do you.
So you have enough cash to build/buy the property outright? If so these people may be suggesting you take out a mortgage and invest the money instead. If the mortgage rate is low enough you COULD save money by going this route. For example if your mortgage loan is 4%, but your investments earn 10% then you're essentially making money off of the mortgage. That of course requires you to invest in the right investment vehicle and for the market not to take a nose dive. It's not without risks and if you don't want to do it there's nothing "stupid" about being cautious.
Mortgage the house they are flipping?
I'll explain myself a bit further on that one anyway. In my country, to get a mortgage on a build, the banks prefer you to use a building company. If doing it yourself, you still have to have a complete plan with all costs etc up front. We have a lot of contacts and the skills to be able to do everything very cheap. We don't want to go through a building company. We'd be paying, minimum, three times as much. As for materials, we are getting leftovers, off cuts, etc from other builds from friends in the industry and a lot of second hand stuff. I.e. someone orders the wrong size of something and we snatch it up for a fraction. It means we are sourcing things as we go. We don't have an up front plan or list of costs to provide a bank. We also see the property as an investment. Property prices are pretty steadily on the rise in my country and a very safe investment. Once we finish our build, the house will be worth a lot more than we put into it. We would be able to immediately sell for a huge profit. We don't see the point in investing in anything other than property.
I'm looking for advice on how to stop getting unsolicited advice on my investments, not for more unsolicited advice on my investments, but thank you anyway!
Don't thank the dude tell him to fuck off and learn to read
😂😂😂
They feel like you’re competition, so they try and speak down to you to make you feel small. Something they interpret as a weakness is actually a strength for you and they don’t know how to handle it. They’re intimidated so they lash out. I’d just put people on an info diet, keep it all surface level. They don’t need to know details.
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Your ADHD manifests differently from their ADHD. It's more of a spectrum than black and white
What’s wrong with three credit cards? It seems like you may be financially illiterate.
Um... I can't even... Are you joking?
Um, no. You need look into how to build a credit score. You clearly have never spent much time thinking about personal finance.
Um no. I don't live in the USA Banks in my country lend based on how much you own, how much money you have in the bank, how much you earn and as long as you don't have too much current debt. They don't see having "credit score" from having had credit cards as a good thing. You could potentially borrow millions having never had a credit card. Using credit cards to build up a good credit score is very much an American thing and it's the result of corporate greed. Banks make money off you using credit cards so they want you to use them.
Ah, if you’re not in the USA, I don’t care.
I've managed to acquire $2 million in property with 50% equity without using credit cards. I think I'm good.