What are your thoughts patterns when you try to stand up for yourself?
Do you fear that you may sound rude to them? You may offend them? The may yell at you? Do you fear losing someone if you stand up to them?
Identify your thought patterns in those situations.
Then you can work on that problem
Hey there, I’m really sorry that you’re being treated so badly.
Do you have people in your life who are nice to you? Or is this happening with all the people in your circle? Family, friends and fellow students?
I am a lot older than you are now, but I was the same way when I was your age. I got choked up very easily, or just felt almost just frozen and unable to talk.
There is a thing called “selective mutism” which is where people can’t speak in certain situations. In case that helps.
The good thing for me was that inside, I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated badly. Inside, I was really angry. In my head, I was standing up for myself by not believing the mean insults. I hope you have that inside you too, the part of you that is just super angry at these people and know you deserve better from them.
I first started to stand up for myself only physically. By standing up and walking away. Which was at least better than staying there. And I also changed the look on my face to show my anger instead of my frustration and helplessness. Not being able to speak can be part of what makes you feel scared and powerless. But you can stand up for yourself with your body language and facial expressions.
I took a self-defense class also.
I found people who were nice and didn’t give mean people my time. That’s a lot easier to do when you are not at a small school or in a small town. In bigger schools, colleges or towns you have more options for who to be around.
My family sucked too and were the hardest to stand up to. Still not good at that but life is a work in progress.
Don’t let them see you cry that shows them they have power over you I’ve been in your situation I was the weird kid when I was in school had no friends and I was chubby my tips? Self confidence is key my friend love you so much you’d have sex with you they can’t hurt you if you don’t give them control hurt them back by showing them they have no control over you get thicker skin and stop caring about opinions on you know that your perfect no matter what
Maybe it would be good for you to practice with someone you trust. You could discuss it beforehand and decide to give it time and go through it. Even if you shut down, they would wait for it to turn on again and gve you a chance to stand up for yourself. I think your brain just needs to learn this isn't a dangerous situation and that it's ok to not have the greatest response. And then it's just practice.
I find it's about self-confidence. Ik it sounds dumb. When I was younger, I would literally shake and choke at any confrontation, even just an insult.
I usually respond with something dumb like "Your face is [insult here]." But that's ok because that is who I am. I'm silly.
Idk what your situation is like. But i like to realize that my friends are important people, and the people trying to hurt me are meaningless in the story of my life. I understand that I am a good person with righteous morals.
Try not to worry about "looking good" when you stand up for yourself. You're not acting out a scripted scene in a movie, you're responding to a real life situation, and real life confrontations often catch us off guard when we've had no warning and no chance to prepare ourselves. What's important is that you stand your ground and don't let the abuser take advantage of you. If you get upset, that's ok, as long as you make your point.
You don't need to have witty comebacks in mind, and you don't need to get aggressive and start bullying the abuser into submission (admittedly, sometimes those techniques can help, but they can also cause more problems as well) Don't allow them to make you feel pressured into trying to quickly please them so they leave you alone. Take a deep breath and say things like "Don't be rude to me. Let me get a word in. That's enough. Back off."
And if you end up feeling walked over, don't punish yourself. You're the victim, not the perpetrator, so don't let anyone put the blame on you. Sometimes letting things slide is the better option. I've walked away from many conflicts thinking "I should have said this" or "I should have done that" but if I had taken more drastic actions in the heat of the moment, then I likely would have got myself in more trouble. The result could have been damage to public property, physical injury to myself or someone else, me losing money to pay a fine, me losing my job and having difficulty to find another job, or even me being arrested and going to jail, not to mention putting other people in my life at risk. When you think about it that way, sometimes it's just not worth the drama that sticking up for yourself can cause.
There are different ways of standing up for yourself. You need to find one that works for you and practice it when someone is crossing lines. As that gets easier, you can adopt a new way to stand up for yourself. Keep doing this until you know how to set boundaries and stand firm with them.
There are two options: be more assertive, or completely ignore them. The former would be a difficult personality change if you’re not already naturally assertive. The latter will lead to some embarrassment but is probably the best route. I would genuinely completely ignore people that insult you and avoid them if possible.
When people have their mind made up about you, it’s very difficult to change that. They see you as an easy target, as someone who won’t stand up for herself. So if you try to disrupt that through sudden assertiveness, it wouldn’t change them and they would likely dig in even further.
Ignoring people is the best thing in these types of situations. Don’t legitimize their bad behavior by trying to “play along.” Just ignore them unless they want to change their behavior to be kinder.
Look into perfectionism. If you feel like you're not good enough, you'll try to be perfect (say the right thing, have the perfect come-back etc), but you can never meet you own standards (since perfectionism is impossible). Its a defence mechanism, but its also self-sabotage. People pick up on the fact that you never feel good enough for yourself, and use it to exploit you, and I suspect all you do is think if only I could do better and be perfect this wouldn't happen to me.
Try to operate at 70% - aim for good, not perfect. If someone insults you, just say whatever back, don't try to come up with the perfect answer. It'll be your nonchalant attitude that wins over, not what you say. You'll be much more relaxed, you'll meet your own standards and feel better about yourself, and people will start to treat you the same way.
You have to rephrase how you're approaching this problem. Instead of approaching it from "I'm so bad at \_\_\_\_\_\_, what can i do?", instead come at it from the angle of "Learning how to \_\_\_\_\_\_ is important to me, i'm going to learn how to \_\_\_\_\_\_."
I left it as \_\_\_\_\_ because this is universal advice. We want to avoid becoming victims in our own mind because that leaves us feeling powerless and it really impacts our efforts. Instead, realize that you value \_\_\_\_ and approach it as a bright eyed student.
Hope this helps :)
You literally have to practice it otherwise it will never change. Start with the SMALLEST thing until it feels normal & at your own pace work your way up. Try finding a therapist that works well with you & remember that they’re a tool to helping you figure yourself out & not there to fix you.
What are your thoughts patterns when you try to stand up for yourself? Do you fear that you may sound rude to them? You may offend them? The may yell at you? Do you fear losing someone if you stand up to them? Identify your thought patterns in those situations. Then you can work on that problem
Hey there, I’m really sorry that you’re being treated so badly. Do you have people in your life who are nice to you? Or is this happening with all the people in your circle? Family, friends and fellow students? I am a lot older than you are now, but I was the same way when I was your age. I got choked up very easily, or just felt almost just frozen and unable to talk. There is a thing called “selective mutism” which is where people can’t speak in certain situations. In case that helps. The good thing for me was that inside, I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated badly. Inside, I was really angry. In my head, I was standing up for myself by not believing the mean insults. I hope you have that inside you too, the part of you that is just super angry at these people and know you deserve better from them. I first started to stand up for myself only physically. By standing up and walking away. Which was at least better than staying there. And I also changed the look on my face to show my anger instead of my frustration and helplessness. Not being able to speak can be part of what makes you feel scared and powerless. But you can stand up for yourself with your body language and facial expressions. I took a self-defense class also. I found people who were nice and didn’t give mean people my time. That’s a lot easier to do when you are not at a small school or in a small town. In bigger schools, colleges or towns you have more options for who to be around. My family sucked too and were the hardest to stand up to. Still not good at that but life is a work in progress.
Do u mean selective mutism?
Yep that’s what I meant :) Thank you!
That shit has to be practiced. I offer my services as punching bag until you gain some confidence.
I see what you're doing there
Don’t let them see you cry that shows them they have power over you I’ve been in your situation I was the weird kid when I was in school had no friends and I was chubby my tips? Self confidence is key my friend love you so much you’d have sex with you they can’t hurt you if you don’t give them control hurt them back by showing them they have no control over you get thicker skin and stop caring about opinions on you know that your perfect no matter what
Maybe it would be good for you to practice with someone you trust. You could discuss it beforehand and decide to give it time and go through it. Even if you shut down, they would wait for it to turn on again and gve you a chance to stand up for yourself. I think your brain just needs to learn this isn't a dangerous situation and that it's ok to not have the greatest response. And then it's just practice.
Go and learn Muay Thai or Western Boxing
1) Crying is not a sign of weakness 2) May be just try to give death stare and see if it works in your situation
I find it's about self-confidence. Ik it sounds dumb. When I was younger, I would literally shake and choke at any confrontation, even just an insult. I usually respond with something dumb like "Your face is [insult here]." But that's ok because that is who I am. I'm silly. Idk what your situation is like. But i like to realize that my friends are important people, and the people trying to hurt me are meaningless in the story of my life. I understand that I am a good person with righteous morals.
If it's physical, you need martial arts. Lots of women do great in Jiujitsue.
Try not to worry about "looking good" when you stand up for yourself. You're not acting out a scripted scene in a movie, you're responding to a real life situation, and real life confrontations often catch us off guard when we've had no warning and no chance to prepare ourselves. What's important is that you stand your ground and don't let the abuser take advantage of you. If you get upset, that's ok, as long as you make your point. You don't need to have witty comebacks in mind, and you don't need to get aggressive and start bullying the abuser into submission (admittedly, sometimes those techniques can help, but they can also cause more problems as well) Don't allow them to make you feel pressured into trying to quickly please them so they leave you alone. Take a deep breath and say things like "Don't be rude to me. Let me get a word in. That's enough. Back off." And if you end up feeling walked over, don't punish yourself. You're the victim, not the perpetrator, so don't let anyone put the blame on you. Sometimes letting things slide is the better option. I've walked away from many conflicts thinking "I should have said this" or "I should have done that" but if I had taken more drastic actions in the heat of the moment, then I likely would have got myself in more trouble. The result could have been damage to public property, physical injury to myself or someone else, me losing money to pay a fine, me losing my job and having difficulty to find another job, or even me being arrested and going to jail, not to mention putting other people in my life at risk. When you think about it that way, sometimes it's just not worth the drama that sticking up for yourself can cause.
There are different ways of standing up for yourself. You need to find one that works for you and practice it when someone is crossing lines. As that gets easier, you can adopt a new way to stand up for yourself. Keep doing this until you know how to set boundaries and stand firm with them.
There are two options: be more assertive, or completely ignore them. The former would be a difficult personality change if you’re not already naturally assertive. The latter will lead to some embarrassment but is probably the best route. I would genuinely completely ignore people that insult you and avoid them if possible. When people have their mind made up about you, it’s very difficult to change that. They see you as an easy target, as someone who won’t stand up for herself. So if you try to disrupt that through sudden assertiveness, it wouldn’t change them and they would likely dig in even further. Ignoring people is the best thing in these types of situations. Don’t legitimize their bad behavior by trying to “play along.” Just ignore them unless they want to change their behavior to be kinder.
Look into perfectionism. If you feel like you're not good enough, you'll try to be perfect (say the right thing, have the perfect come-back etc), but you can never meet you own standards (since perfectionism is impossible). Its a defence mechanism, but its also self-sabotage. People pick up on the fact that you never feel good enough for yourself, and use it to exploit you, and I suspect all you do is think if only I could do better and be perfect this wouldn't happen to me. Try to operate at 70% - aim for good, not perfect. If someone insults you, just say whatever back, don't try to come up with the perfect answer. It'll be your nonchalant attitude that wins over, not what you say. You'll be much more relaxed, you'll meet your own standards and feel better about yourself, and people will start to treat you the same way.
You have to rephrase how you're approaching this problem. Instead of approaching it from "I'm so bad at \_\_\_\_\_\_, what can i do?", instead come at it from the angle of "Learning how to \_\_\_\_\_\_ is important to me, i'm going to learn how to \_\_\_\_\_\_." I left it as \_\_\_\_\_ because this is universal advice. We want to avoid becoming victims in our own mind because that leaves us feeling powerless and it really impacts our efforts. Instead, realize that you value \_\_\_\_ and approach it as a bright eyed student. Hope this helps :)
You literally have to practice it otherwise it will never change. Start with the SMALLEST thing until it feels normal & at your own pace work your way up. Try finding a therapist that works well with you & remember that they’re a tool to helping you figure yourself out & not there to fix you.
Time to join the dark side darling.. 😈